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Day 11 Assignments
Reply to Post Your Assignment.
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244 Replies
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Jeff’s Query Letter Draft ONE
What I learned doing this assignment is… (nothing yet, as I need feedback)
Here’s my current Query Letter
Dear Producer:
Would a doctor kill to save a loved one?
Title: THE BEST PAINKILLER
Genre: Crime-drama Thriller
Logline:
A doctor takes revenge when a swindler steals money intended for a baby’s life-saving treatment.
Synopsis:
A doctor’s wife has legal custody of their infant grandson. When the doctor learns his grandson needs expensive cancer treatment, he unwittingly lists his heirloom boat with a drug-smuggling swindler.
The swindler’s recent smuggle blows up and he’s on the verge of bankruptcy. Desperate, and fully aware that a child’s life is at stake, he sells the boat and steals the money.
Bad plan. The doctor is an anesthesiologist, renowned as the best painkiller. The authorities prove useless, so the doctor confronts criminals on their turf.
Nobody comes out a winner… Inspired by a true story.
Ensemble cast with a variety of ethnically-diverse supporting roles, cameos and voice only.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Jeff Bryce
(contact info)Bio: Jeff is a published landscape photographer and writer, and his screenplays place in current contests. His unique points of view are shaped through his professional experiences as a financial & tax advisor, and laborer as a teen and young man.
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Hi, Jeff, Tis I again.
If with one’s pitch or Q-letter one sell a producer a HOOK, and he can’t find that hook in one’s screenplay he’s going to think one punked him. Not good for one.
So please make sure that your story explores the question “Would a doctor KILL TO SAVE a loved one?” or let’s develop a new PITCH HOOK that fits your story about “a doctor on the horns of a dilemma.”
Difficult to help further without reading your screenplay. We must look carefully and make sure that we never mislead with our HOOK LINE.
We must always deliver on the promise of the premise.
Best,
Steve
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I get it. Thanks, Jeff
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Hi, Jeff.
Could the title maybe just be: “PAINKILLER” Kind of like how The Facebook became Facebook. Great title.
It seems most scripts need to see a payoff for the main character… maybe not the expected one, but some kind of learning or success in the character’s “journey.” It might be in the script, but maybe you could better hint at it in the last line of the synopsis. If no one comes out the winner, how do I know the characters have grown?
Your bio is super interesting, but maybe a little long and off-point for this exact story. So, maybe that could just be: “I’m a screenwriter whose scripts have placed in X and Y contests.” That’s pretty impressive!
Overall, sounds like a very interesting movie and I’d love to read the script.
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Hi Cara. You raise good points. I prefer one-word titles too (this one used to be CLEARWATER, and my other working-titles are FAITH and HEARTWOOD– all wordplay– but I’ll change them). A problem with one-word titles is they usually lack sizzle and give no clue to what the movie is about. Producers seem to prefer dumb-down versions of everything. I think adding “The Best” creates mystery and intrigue. Of course none of this matters if you’re Eastwood or the Coens! Perhaps we could exchange a script or two? Jeff
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Hi Jeff,
So in looking at your letter, I agree with much of the advice about hooks and title. You need a strong hook to stir interest, and I kind of like PAINKILLER by itself. Here’s a few of my thoughts.
First, if it’s a true story, do you have the rights?
For a hook, I think something ironic referring to his profession. Here’s one: When a scam artist threatens an anasthesiologist’s family, the doctor dispenses his own kind of medicine!
You use the word smuggler/smuggle twice in two sentences. Replace the second smuggle. Possible substitutes: heist, scam, fraud, rip-off, sham, con.
Lose the ensemble cast info. Instead, emphasize why it’s a great role for your two lead actors, especially the Doctor.
Hard to tell without knowing more. Hope this helps!
Tom Duffy
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Thanks Tom. Good points. Jeff
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Thomas
Hi,
I am getting together a roster of email addresses from the people in this class who want to stay in touch. After I get all the names (I’m giving you three days to respond), I’ll send an email out with everyone’s email. No one oversees the emails sent out. Once everyone who wants to be on the list gets the first email, anyone can reply to all and notify us of what you’re up to. That way, we won’t have to wade through the forums. You can tell us what steps you’ve taken to sell your script, replies you’ve received from producers, etc., accomplishments and anything else that you feel would be helpful to share with the group.
Please list your email address as a reply to this message, if you want to be a part of the email group.
Thanks,
Liz
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Liz, thanks for pulling this together. Nice to keep in touch: jeff@bryce.ca
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No problem, Jeff. It seems like the most efficient way to go about it. The first email you open will be the latest.
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Liz, please add me. Phyllis MacBryde. pmacbryde@aol.com
And thanks for doing this, especially when you’ve got a heap of writing to do!
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Great. I will add your email. Thanks!
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Logline:
A doctor takes revenge when a swindler steals money intended for a baby’s life-saving treatment.
I would make the logline more personal by changing it to say “A doctor takes revenge when a swindler steals money intended for his grandson’s life-saving cancer treatment.”
See below for this section: A doctor’s wife has legal custody of their infant grandson. When the doctor learns his grandson needs expensive cancer treatment, he unwittingly lists his heirloom boat with a drug-smuggling swindler.
I’d start out like you’re telling a story, the first line above seems more like a fact, and without much emotion. Go for the emotion in the story. Suck us into the family drama, like (and I don’t know the background of the adoption, but…) after his daughter and son-in-law die, Dr. (and give us his name) and his wife adopt their grandson only to find the child has cancer. When insurance won’t pay for the expensive treatment the infant/baby needs to survive, he decides to sell his antique boat (or what ever heirloom boat means, because I don’t know, so try to give a word the common man/woman would understand).
He unwittingly enlists a drug-smuggling swindler… etc.
I would give the swindler less reasons to look like what he’s doing is right. Don’t give him excuses like he’s faced with a dilemma. After all, he’s taking money from a child with cancer to save his own hide.
Instead, I would save that word count to give the Doctor all the excuses in the world to go after the bad guy.
I’d say the drug deal goes bad instead of blows up.
I’d change the sentence order in the third paragraph to this: When authorities prove useless, Dr. (name) decides to fight the (Is there more than one criminal? Because earlier there was only the swindler. Is he trying to get his boat back? Is he trying to get his money back? Is he fighting drug smuggling?) criminal(s) on his/their own turf. But he/they better watch out. NAME expertise is an anesthesiologist, and is renowned as (maybe Dr. Painkiller?)
Maybe Dr. Painkiller would be a good title.
Anyway. Great things going on here, and it is an interesting concept like Death Wish. Hope my comments help.
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Hi Liz,
Thanks for your comments.
Funny, I’ve rewritten loglines as if they’re toilet paper. I had “grandson” in previous versions but thought it eliminates a potential audience of 18-40-year-olds, as they may think it’s a movie about/for old people. The doctor is young–39– but perhaps impossible to convey in a logline in a brief & meaningful way.
Points well taken about emotion & personal, and no excuses for the swindler’s acts.
The drug deal… goes bad, goes south. I need another phrase. In the script, the swindlers’ goons are going full-speed and smash a customer’s boat into shoreline ice and are killed. So maybe the drug deal “gets iced”? lol– but that term means totally different things these days.
Very helpful. I realize it’s tough for each of us to make comments based on very little info.
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Yes, I didn’t see the Dr. as 39. Get’s iced may mean killed. I know, if you move one thing, something else suffers. It’s a puzzle.
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Really like the logline and original concept, Jeff: a doctor killing. Love the incongruity. I would suggest you put at least one adjective with the doctor in the logline to give an idea who this doctor is. Possibly the adjective could add to the irony you’ve already created.
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Thomas F. Duffy Query Letter Draft ONE
What I learned doing this assignment is TBD.
Dear Producer,
Your goal: the NHL play-offs + Your goalie: a grocery clerk = The ROCKY of HOCKEY!
The drama SAVING GRACE asks: Can an NHL practice goalie make the save of a lifetime to protect his daughter and his team’s season?
Danny Murphy had it all: a star goalie with a loving wife and baby, and destined for a long NHL career. In a moment, it was gone. His wife dead, his dreams and body crushed in a tragic car accident, and his daughter Grace, swept away by his wealthy mother-in-law.
After a decade of minor league comebacks, a downtrodden Danny moves to L.A. to win Grace back. When his best friend, Lou, the Kings star center, finds him a job as a practice goalie, it strengthens his relationship with a new girlfriend and further antagonizes his unrelenting mother-in-law.
After family court battles, an arrest and a near death scare for Grace, Danny questions whether his daughter and girlfriend might be better off without him? Fate forces Danny into an critical game, leading to a surprising climax that pays off with a thrilling, on the edge of your seat, conclusion that audiences love.
A ROCKY meets KRAMER VS. KRAMER story of perseverance, redemption and love.
I am a long-time film veteran, who played college, semi-pro and Bad Boys hockey with Jerry Bruckheimer. An early version of this script drew meetings at Kennedy/Marshall and Imagine.
If you like the concept, I’d be glad to send you a copy.
Thanks,
Thomas F. Duffy
(contact Information)
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Thomas Duffy.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Thomas Duffy.
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A few suggestions:
1) Rephrase to start with the quest and hit the title character name. Danny Murphy had it all: a star goalie destined for a long NHL career, a loving wife and baby daughter. In a moment it was gone. His dreams and body crushed in a tragic accident, his wife dead, his daughter, Grace, swept away by his wealthy mother-in-law.
2) I don’t know a thing about hockey, so you obviously wouldn’t be querying me, however I suggest you clarify who Lou is by what position he plays rather than team (I think that’s what you meant by Kings). When his best friend, Lou, an NHL star defenseman, finds him a job as a practice goalie, it strengthens his relationship with a new girlfriend and further antagonizes his unforgiving mother-in-law.
3) In your next paragraph, I’m assuming he gets back in the game for that exciting climax. And for me, in a short synopsis, character names are virtually meaningless. For me — Danny questions with his wife and new love would be better off without him — would be clearer.
4) You might want to say: I work in the film industry. I’ve played college, semi-pro, and Bad Boys hockey with Jerry Bruckheimer. And I was pretty damn good.
5) Maybe Rocky meets K vs K story of overcoming, redemption, and love is better than “underdog story of pain” which doesn’t sound very inviting.
I’d leave out who’s seen it, otherwise I think you’re shooting yourself in the foot. If asked you might want to say, “I ran an early draft by so and so, when I first started writing. They thought it had promise.”
If this were my project, I’d target ESPN’s film producers or others who have any connections with the sport. And I’m sure you’ve already done that. That’s my 2 cents-worth. If you get this to an actor who grew up playing hockey, I think you’ve got a win.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Phyllis MacBryde.
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Great notes, as expected!
I made some changes per your notes but I want to wait until I do my final letter, to let it all sink in. I read your letter and have a few ideas and notes. I have to go to physical therapy soon, (too much hockey) but I will post later.
The reason I include the Imagine and Kennedy/Marshall meetings is because they are two of the most prestigious production companies in the business, known for big budget quality films. They are capable of green lighting the film, and impossible to meet for a new writer. I’d love more input, because I did have questions about this adding doubt, as well.
Spot on, helpful advice! I’d love to read your script after we get through this course, if that’s okay.
Best,
Tom
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Thomas Duffy.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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This story is very compelling!
I preferred when you started with the high concept of “The Rocky of Hockey.” That alone would have hooked me. I’m a little less interested in a grocery clerk (unless it’s a Will Ferrell comedy).
It also seems your character is much more than just a grocery clerk! He’s got a lot going on. He really is the Rocky of Hockey.
I don’t think you need to write: “The drama, SAVING GRACE, askes the question.” I would just write the question.
I would also be clearer about the payoff. We can assume he succeeds – as Rocky does – but I wouldn’t leave everything to assumptions.
It seems a producer would feel they can easily sell this movie.
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Thanks for the great notes! I tried to re-incorporate the ROCKY hook into the opening hook. I am off to physical therapy (too much hockey) but will post my notes for your letter.
I’d love to read your script after we get through this course, if that’s okay.
Best,
Tom
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I think its a good idea to mention Kennedy/Marshall and Imagine in just the way you do. It suggests there is a quality level to the story. And you suggest that it was “an early version of the script” leaving unsaid that its better now.
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Thanks Mark. Those were my thoughts, as well. I also got a meeting with Tollin/Robbins, who were not exactly slouches, but the other two are really tough to get meetings with. I’ll read your letter and leave feedback.
Tom
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Yo, Thomas,
I know you’ll include contact information in your letter, as a footer, or on your letterhead so no need to comment on that, right?
I find your letter to be very nicely written and that it informs the reader of many of the essentials of the story. A pass through a grammar checker will catch and perform the few punctuation necessities.
I’m thinking that if your full name appears on your letterhead, you might sign off with your first name only. I hear tell they do mostly first names in Hollywood.
While your letter fits comfortably on the page, I suspect the busy producer would like to get a shorter letter. As for yours truly, I wouldn’t cut a word – but I’m not a producer.
Good luck with advancing this fine project to a green light.
Best,
Steve
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For Thomas:
Dear Producer,
Your goal: the NHL play-offs + Your goalie: a grocery clerk = The ROCKY of HOCKEY!
This line is extremely hard to read, maybe use the words, plus and equals in sentence form.
Is it YOUR GOAL, or the producer’s goal, or is it your character’s goal? The most interesting thing in the line is Your goalie: a grocery clerk, but I’m unsure what’s being said.
The drama SAVING GRACE asks: Can an NHL practice goalie make the save of a lifetime to protect his daughter and his team’s season?
It seems like the practice goalie needs to make a save to protect his daughter, but I don’t know why, and it doesn’t follow any logic that I know, so it may need more explaining. I can see how it would save his team’s season, but not protect. Maybe choose one of those things, maybe the daughter because she should be the most important to him, or reword it.
Danny Murphy had it all: a star goalie with a loving wife and baby, (don’t need comma) and destined for a long NHL career. In a moment, it was gone. His wife dead, his dreams and body crushed in a tragic car accident, and his daughter Grace, swept away by his wealthy mother-in-law.
This sounds good, you’ve taken us into the emotions of the story. I would use another word besides swept, something more negative and forceful.
After a decade of minor league comebacks, a downtrodden Danny moves to L.A. to win Grace back. When his best friend, Lou, the Kings star center, finds him a job as a practice goalie, it strengthens his relationship with a new girlfriend and further antagonizes his unrelenting mother-in-law.
In the paragraph above, I’d start with the state of emotional trauma that left him unable to fight for his daughter for ten years. Add something with the minor league comeback, like what ever he did to gain back confidence, or maybe it is the years of coming back, but a wealthy mother-in-law would not have first dibs on a man’s child just because she has money. The passing of ten years makes me wonder if his daughter would be better off with or without him. She’s been in the same place, established routines, established school, friends. Her grandmother’s place may be a better place for her, realistically, but that wouldn’t make for a good hero rising above hardships and not a good ending for an audience. So, maybe shorten the time that they’ve been apart. You probably don’t want to rework the whole thing, but maybe she should be in a worse place than a wealthy grandma’s house.
Not sure how a good relationship with a girlfriend would antagonize his mother-in-law. More likely, his ability to get his child back would antagonize his mother-in-law.
After family court battles, an arrest and a near death scare for Grace, Danny questions whether his daughter and girlfriend might be better off without him? (question mark not needed, it’s a statement)
The first sentence above seems to blame Danny/he blames himself for everything that’s happened, and I can’t see that in the things you’ve listed. So why does Danny question if his daughter, and his girlfriend would be better off without him? The first sentence lists bad things that happen, but I don’t see the connections. Maybe more explanation would work, or narrow it down to the why.
Fate forces Danny into an critical game, leading to a surprising climax that pays off with a thrilling, on the edge of your seat, conclusion that audiences love.
I would leave the above sentence out. I skipped over these words very quickly because I’ve read them many times before. You really don’t know if the audience will love your conclusion, and the rest is a vague explanations/advertisement of how we will feel when reading your story. Tell me about your story. Stick to visual and emotions in your story that will make me want to read the script.
I love that you have a background in the sport. You know the ins and outs, maybe a little more detail about the sport itself, mixed in with the why and emotions, like blocking a goal, or not blocking a goal.
Lots of interesting things in here. It is a good a down trodden man overcomes to become a hero in the life of his daughter and regains his self through something he loves. It needs more clarity for me to see that. I hope my comments help.
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Hi Tom,
Clever hook: Rocky of Hockey! Perhaps change the “+” and “=”, which could be confusing to some.
Saving Grace title has been used. And “Grace” is cliche. I based a script on a former client named Grace who actually sang Amazing Grace at her husband’s funeral. Very moving (& I’ll remember it forever). But I didn’t write it that way.
Do character names matter in a Q letter? I’m thinking not, unless it’s a real person (historical importance). Names can distract from the general message. But what do I know?
The 3 paragraphs starting “DANNY… [to] audiences love.” I glossed these. Likely need to shorten each, or eliminate?
I woke up when I saw Rocky meets KvK. Short & sweet. Very effective. You have a skill of terse, use it more!
Your bio puts me on a tricycle. If I had your experience, I’d put it at/near the top of my letter!
Very nice Tom. Would love to read this one.
Best, Jeff
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Hi Thomas,
Great hook. But I would just keep it as The Rocky of Hockey. If I were a producer, that would grab me right away. Otherwise, I thought your letter went smoothly. I do agree with Mark about mentioning that you already had meetings with different companies. That’s a plus in my eyes. Good luck to you.
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Hi Thomas: Here are a few thoughts…
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Does it have an opening hook that lures us into the
story?
The “Rocky of Hockey” line is pretty terrific. But I think it might be more powerful to get your protagonist into the hook…something like…
His goal: win NHL Stanley Cup. His job: Grocery Clerk.
I immediately thought of the the film INVINCIBLE, with Mark Wahlberg, though if memory serves that was based on a true story.
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Were there any parts that confused you?
[FYI: I am giving you my thoughts based on notes/questions that I jotted as I did the first read through of your letter—so you might have a better sense of what your target market’s first impressions might be…though I am trying to also offer clarification simultaneously based on repeated reads]
-The sports goal alone is great and likely to interest readers immediately, but when you introduce “protect” his daughter, it sounds like she’s been threatened— and if he does’t win (or throw) the game something bad will happen to her.
Reading further, it becomes clear that that the issue is the grandmother (who presumably loves the girl). Then further on, when I read: “an arrest” and “near death for Grace”, I start to think, did he cause the accident that killed his wife?
It also becomes clear that he had it all at one point, lost it, and is trying to claw his way back.
So the question becomes, what does saving his daughter mean? Is she better off with him in her life or without him? It sounds like a happy ending—so I’m guessing with. But I think you might need to somehow establish that winning at hockey is a metaphor for the inner transformation he needs to undergo to reclaim his daughter and heal their broken family.
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Just a thought: I might not mention Jerry Bruckheimer unless you know him well enough to know for a fact that he would take your call. The name pops but the question becomes: so why isn’t Jerry making it…
Hope this helps…Best, Andrea
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Great sports genre concept, Thomas. A dramatic hockey exploration could definitely attract producers. What grabbed my eye was “ROCKY OF HOCKEY”. I wanted to know more immediately. I would suggest to “keep grabbing” the reader of of your query letter and make sure your inciting incident and hook are even clearer and that the reader of your letter is continually engaged by the mounting obstacles for your protagonist.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Hi Jeff, I would suggest running your title, logline, and hook together conversationally something like;
I just finished THE BEST PAINKILLER, a CRIME THRILLER about a doctor on the horns of a dilemma. “Can I kill someone to save another?”
That would seem more like you’re addressing the producer directly instead of laying out a generic billboard for all to read. And it will make your letter briefer.
And your STAKES. Not clear how killing someone will recover the money the doctor needs for his grandson’s care/
I think you may be asking for some apprehension from a producer if you’re selling the idea that a doctor and daughter don’t have insurance to cover the kid. I would suggest making the stakes higher – like the object of the doctor’s wrath has stripped his assets by some nefarious means and killed his daughter. Now he must care for the kid with cancer.
If his wife has custody of the grandson would the kid not be covered by her insurance?
Now that’s a motive for revenge.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Stephen Maynard.
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Hi Stephen,
Thank you. I really appreciate your comments and interest. Love the conversational tone that you suggest.
The kid’s treatment is an experimental drug from Switzerland that isn’t covered here in Canada. Don’t think the FDA covers such things either. How would I say this in a letter, and in an interesting way?
The daughter is 19 (the doctor dad is 39). The baby was stripped away by childrens aid at birth as the parents both tested positive for cocaine use. Not sure how/if this info can be relayed easily into the letter. Any thoughts?
The money’s beyond recoverable through the swindler directly. Hero’s arc has gone over-the-edge, and he doesn’t want to see the villain EVER be able to swindle/screw others. An insane moment, but the story continues as the money is out there, somewhere. And certainly NOT taken by the government/trustees due to bankruptcy proceedings.
My email: jeff@bryce.ca. Once again, thank you for stimulating my brain!
I’ll comment on your posts going forward.
Best, Jeff
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Stephen Maynard’s – Query Letter Draft ONE
What I learned doing this assignment is every letter will require tailoring to match the various producers.
THE LETTER
Stephen F Maynard (centered)
Dear Ms. Producer:
Tails he wins, heads they lose. (centered)
I just finished polishing PANDORA’S OTHER BOX, a HORROR romp about a sexually frustrated slacker that grows rich and satiated selling transgenic WORMS that morph old ladies into gorgeous young submissive girls.
Problem is, the ladies pass through a larva stage as terrible LAMPREY HUMANOIDS who devour their husbands’ heads. My VILLAIN makes Chucky and Iago look like altar boys as he moves through his transformational journey on which we explore TIMELY and UNIVERSAL themes.
It all ends well when the hero rescues his girl from a terrible fate. They cast off on a moonlight cruise only to see evidence that the villain’s WORM FARM has been harvested by a fisherman who is using the worms as bait and unwittingly spawning HORRIFYING NEW SEA CREATURES.
If you like the concept, I’d love to send you the script.
Very truly yours,
Stephen
86 Redemption Way Las Vegas NV 89118 ( 702 362-2632 (centered)
sfmvm2@gmail.com (centered)
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Stephen Maynard.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Stephen Maynard.
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The only real feedback I have is that this sounds a little like comedy to someone who hasn’t read the script… something like Ghostbusters. When I hear, “sexually frustrated slacker” I think of a comedy actor. And “gorgeous young submissive girls” also seem more in line with comedy scripts than full-out horror. I’m not sure how the script reads, but you might be able to increase your audience by making this horror AND comedy if that interests you.
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After being frightened by The Wizard of Oz as a child, I have watched no horror movie since (except “Get Out” and even then I had to walk away for awhile), here are a few quick observations: sexually frustrated slacker who . . . In case this gets into the hands of a woman over 40, you might want to say that morph (or transform, I found myself thinking about how they would morph) elderly women into submissive young girls (the phrase implies they’re delectable).
3) Second sentence is unclear to me. Do you mean, in the larval stage the women become humanoids who devour their husbands heads? Maybe try rearranging the sentence — As my villain moves through his transformational journey (transformational how? Satanic? Deranged?), makes Chucky and Iago (these comparisons are at odds with each — only one is Shakespearean and layered). Can you qualify the timely and universal themes in a couple of words?
For me, short sentences are easier to understand. To clarify the closing, how about something like — The hero rescues his girl from a terrible fate. As they cast off on a moonlight cruise, he spots an unwitting fisherman baiting his hook with worms. The transgenic worms spawn into horrifying new sea creatures.
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Hi, Phyllis, Hi Cara
Is not reading the screenplay the only way to know what it contains?
Regarding your generous and thoughtful comments;
Apt observation, His Worms (transgenic combinations of lamprey and candiru fish) have the power to change old ladies into “delectable” young girls, which he uses for his enjoyment and manipulates to kill other men.
Right, you are again, in the larva stage (when the real eating is done) the women grow LAMPREY MOUTH heads and eat men on the bad guy’s command.
I use Chucky and Iago to insinuate subliminally that my antagonist exhibits both nuanced and blatantly physical aggression.
The illusion to both a nuanced and complex “psychological” character and one that is cartoonish is deliberate.
My bad guy exhibits the attributes of both as he moves from an unmotivated sexually frustrated student who, desperate to succeed, kills his professor to steal magical worms, to a shrewd businessman who gains wealth and power which he uses to exploit women and manipulate men.
His journey ends with a realization of the depth of his depravity and the harm he has done in betraying his only friend, harming total strangers, and NATURE (there’s one of your themes surfacing, another being, HOW SHOULD WE TREAT OUR FELLOW HUMANS as we go through life.) – In the end, seeing that he is beyond redemption, he takes his life. Something like the Oedipus Rex?
My last sentence is there to inform the producer that we have a happy ending (Hollywood and audiences love them) and to suggest the direction the sequel could take with new frightening sea creatures.
While there’s some levity in PANDORA’S OTHER BOX, I’d have to categorize this one as PURE HORROR.
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Hi Stephen,
I’m not really a horror expert, but here are a few of my notes. Interesting concept. I think your letter needs a stronger hook. I get your reason for choosing it, but it is a little vague and a well known phrase. Maybe a slight ironic change, that gives a better clue to what is to come in your script, or not. I know this is a class assignment, but you have to proofread your grammar and spelling, as production is infamous about rejecting anything that does not have almost perfect punctuation and spelling. One typo is “devout” for “devour.” Could be a very scary movie!
Good luck!
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Thank you, Thomas.
Haste makes waste.
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Hi Stephen:
I’m a huge fan of horror and this has the trappings of a really terrifying story, especially for women. And, of course, there is a great comedic line running through it as well.
I think you need a few stronger hooks. You have some very generic things in here (timely and universal themes) that don’t add anything to the pitch.
For example, you could start with a hook like:
Did you know there’s a transgenic work that morphs old ladies into submissive, gorgeous young women? (NOTE: You really don’t want to say girls as that implies too young.)
After this one-sentence hook, you can put the sentence about your main character (do you want to use his name?).
The first line of your next paragraph could be your second hook. I’d put it in a line by itself.
I think the next line is confusing and generic. Instead of saying he’s a villain who has a transformational journey you tell us what that journey is. Not blow by blow, but something like:
“As bodies pile up around him, (name) finds love and realizes that sexualizing woman is wrong (and, since I’m an older woman, would love that he learns older woman have value as well). I don’t know your story so I don’t know if he learns that or not, but put in one of those universal themes that transform him.
Love the ending. However, I think I say something like:
As they motor away, a fisherman walks along the shore picking up worms/cut to him fishing/cut to him being eaten by a monster.
Basically what I’m getting at here is showing, not telling. You hear it all the time that it gets old, but it is also true. Active storytelling really grabs the attention of the reader.
I hope this helps. I love the story and would like to see it get made!
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Hi Stephen,
The letter is confusing.
“Tails he wins…” Meaningless spin on a cliche phrase. I read that the “they” includes him. Not what you mean.
“Pandora’s Other Box” sounds like 1970s X-rated trash. You may have reduced your producer pool to exiles and convicts.
The word “romp” feels comedic and juvenile. So you’re suggesting a Rocky Horror thing?
How is he a “slacker” if he grows rich?
I don’t feel any horror in this. I can’t visualize any of it.
What are these “timely” and “universal” themes? Are you saying you don’t like reborn women?
I don’t feel any hooks or interesting characters.
And 86 Redemption Way… I think you’re just screwing around. Are you serious?
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I’m intrigued by your concept, but had a hard time understanding exactly what’s going on.
Is the focus of your movie a hero who saves his girlfriend from a horrible fate? Or is it about the transformational journey of your villain?
I feel like you’ve got two storylines going on here and right now, I don’t know how they connect to each another.
You mention the hero in your third paragraph. I suggest placing him in your opening hook if this is the guy you want us to root for. I’d like to know what he’s like, what is it he wants, what’s going to get in the way of him reaching his goal and what will happen to his girlfriend if he fails. Let us know the stakes. Will she die?
How does his girlfriend fit into the whole transformation of women from old to young? Or does she?
Is the slacker the villain in all this? Or is the villain one of the women transforming from old to young? I wasn’t clear about this.
You’ve got a great ending. Reminds me of the ending to Lake Placid – Betty White secretly feeding baby alligators who will one day grow up to cause havoc in this quiet community.
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To Stephen Maynard
I found addressing this movie to a female producer (Dear Ms. Producer) tongue in cheek and wondered if it was part of the humor. I think red flags are going up all over the place when you mention “turns them into submissive girls.” That’s not gonna fly with a lot of female producers in the “Me Too” movement, and it turned me off to read that… kind of a big sigh. That said, there are a whole lot of movies out there that base themselves on unrealistic male fantasies (in your dreams) that do very well at the box office.
So, I would up the humor in your description. The Tails he wins, heads they lose is a good word play on the concept, but in the end, the hero rescues his girl from a terrible fate, so how did he get from wanting submissive girls to one submissive girl? Maybe that’s his arc.
Not much is mentioned about the antagonist, so what exactly is the hero fighting against? But reading through it again, is the person who wants submissive girls the villain? If that’s the case, we only see the hero show up part way through your story explanation when he rescues his girl, so he’s dropped in the middle of the story. Is his girl an old woman? Is he an old man?
My VILLAIN makes Chucky and Iago look like altar boys as he moves through his transformational journey on which we explore TIMELY and UNIVERSAL themes.
The first part of this sentence would make a good tagline for the movie, but it’s vague and doesn’t get across what’s going on in your story. What is your villain’s transformational journey? They usually don’t have one. Timely and Universal themes? I’m gonna say no. This movie isn’t trying to teach anyone anything, it’s like a romp, a fun night out. A couple of laughs.
I can see a lot of good visuals of normal people going through larva stages, and lots of horror, guts and shocks with worm monsters coming out of the dark and heads being bitten off.
Cute ending. The oh, no, not again!
I’m not sure who’s who, meaning the hero and the villain. I’m walking away from the reading without knowing what the movie is about because I can’t latch onto any trail of a story.
Hope my comments help.
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Catchy title, Stephen. I immediately wanted to know what your script was about, and your tight synopsis “showed me the movie” quickly. You might consider mentioning films that have the same sensibility just in case the producer needs a “refresh”. (Several movies of this niche came to mind and I think it could help.) I would, however, avoid indicating that your script or villain(s) are superior to anybody else’s and let it and them stand on their own merit. (I’m sure you wouldn’t want a producer who may have been involved directly or indirectly with, say, one of the CHUCKY projects read this. Or even a producer who highly favors Chucky. Or even Iago. lol.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Phyllis MacBryde – Query Letter Draft ONE
What I learned from doing this assignment is to research your targeted person, make sure he/she makes a good fit for your film so you don’t waste their time or yours, then tailor the query to them.
Dear Producer,
I recently finished shooting a proof-of-concept film in South Africa for a drama entitled, CREATING ZINZI. Written wth Sally Field and Alfre Woodard in mind, it tells the story of a white playwright and a Black Broadway producer who workshop an American musical in Africa. Collaborating with indigenous artists, they navigate clashing cultures and real-life perils to ensure the authenticity of the musical’s African scenes and to find a child to play the musical’s title character, “Zinzi.” Their journey leads to their shocking multi-cultural awakening and to the realization that the Ancestor Spirits have an invisible hand in the musical’s fate.
Other than exterior pickups in NYC, the film is set in South Africa with a projected budget of $5-$10M. Early marketing indicates that the target audience is —
I’m seeking a Senior Producer for the project. I’m reaching out to you first because xxxxxx and xxxxxx are films that introduced me to another world and another way of thinking. It is my hope that CREATING ZINZI will do the same.
Would you be interested in taking a look at the pitch deck and proof-of-concept? The screenplay has received positive coverage. I would be happy to send the script along, as well.
My writing credits include: Nicholl Fellowship Finalist for Zinzi, a screenplay, William Wisdom-William Faulkner top five finalist for Zinzi, a novel, Kaufman Award for Zinzi the Musical. I’m a produced playwright and a member of The Broadway League.
I look forward to your reply.
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Hi Phyllis,
Sell the SIZZLE, not the stake.
And you’ve got lots of that.
How about in your second draft you lose some of the processes commented on and concentrate on the magic and intrigue of your story.
Sell the magic of the transformational journey.
I like what you’ve done and would love to read your screenplay.
You can trust me with it at sfmvm2@gmail.com
Steve
XOXO
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Good advice, Stephen. It really helps to revisit what you’ve written through someone else’s fresh eyes. It’s only then, I can assess how the points I’ve made are being received. I’ll be back to you on the flipside. And wow, a request to read my screenplay. Who does that anymore? That’s why I led with the proof-of-concept pitch.
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This query stands out as a film that is a work-in-progress. And, it’s clear that your hard work and obvious success have eliminated some of the risk a producer would take on as it is already somewhat packaged and presentable.
It sounds like an amazing story and a film I would love to see.
I’d almost just prefer the title: ZINZI. It might not reveal what the movie is about, but neither does “CREATING ZINZI,” so I would just keep it short.
I would stick to the simpler format that the class gave for the query letter. This shows off your writing skill, but I missed some of the hooks, of which you have many.
I’m not sure if I’m interested in your shooting locations or what you’re seeking in a producer at this point (I may be very soon, but that’s for a later discussion). I just want to read the script because it already sounds good.
I like that you have something more to show me than just a script… but I really want to know the easy hooks of your story so I can take a condensed, sellable idea to my busy boss/partners/executives and run it by them.
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Cara, thanks so much for your comments. As I said to Thomas, it really helps to have fresh eyes and yours are help. I may not stick with the title, “Creating Zinzi,” but “Zinzi” is the title of my Nicholl script, which is a period piece. That script led me to writing a novel and then a musical and to writing “Creating Zinzi,” which stands on its own merit, but can also serve as a platform for the other iterations. I’m going to take your suggestions, along with the others, in consideration and I write draft two.
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Hi Phyllis,
I wish I could see your “high concept” hook right at the top. It seems buried near the end of the first paragraph. I suggest moving the info about the proof-of-concept film and the desired actors to the end of the letter, to be mentioned along with the pitch deck.
Delete the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs, since those are follow-up details which are better mentioned after the script is read. Remember, the goal is get the script requested.
Lastly, maybe you could reverse the content of the “Would you be interested in…” sentence. Lead with the script, and follow with…”and there is also a pitch deck and proof-of-concept…(or sizzle reel, or trailer)
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OK, Mark. You’re the third person to say this. So, lemme do it as you suggest.
Thanks!
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You’ve been a great help to me, I hope I can return the favor.
All right, here’s a hook possibility: Sometimes a journey turns magical, for everyone!
First, I like ZINZI alone as your title. Another idea may be ZINZI’S JOURNEY.
Break up your opening paragraph with more white space. It’s all there and easily understood. Just like with a script, readers like their white space. One typo on “with” second line.
I would like you to consider my new drama, CREATING ZINZI. It tells the story of a white playwright and Black Broadway producer who workshop an American musical in Africa.
Collaborating with indigenous artists, they navigate clashing cultures and real-life perils to ensure the authenticity of the musical’s African scenes and to find a child to play the musical’s title character, “Zinzi.”
Their journey leads to their shocking multi-cultural awakening and to the realization that the Ancestor Spirits have an invisible hand in the musical’s fate.
I recently finished shooting proof-of-concept footage for ZINJI in South Africa. The actual film has a projected budget of $5-$10M.
(I’m not sure what a Senior Producer is but I assume it may the equivalent of either an Executive Producer or what we call simply, a producer.)
My script for ZINZI has been overwhelmingly received: being a Nicholl Fellowship Finalist, a William Wisdom-William Faulkner top five finalist, and a Kaufman Award winner. I’m a produced playwright, novelist and a member of The Broadway League. …or something like that. Also, I wish I knew more about ZINZI so I could help you with a hook.
All in all, it just comes down to moving things around, little nip here, and you’re letter will be as great as the actual script. You don’t win all those awards unless you are a great writer!
Hope this helps!
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Thomas Duffy.
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Thanks, Thomas. I’ll start working on my second draft tomorrow. Wish I could use the title, “Zinzi,” but that’s the Nicholl script and a different story. I may find a better title down the road. I think we’re all getting better with everyone’s feedback. Appreciate your insights very much.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Phyllis MacBryde
Well written. Lots of information about a lot of different things. You’ve gone beyond the average person to support your script and because you take it seriously, other people will value it too. They will also see your drive and determination. A good thing.
I’m thinking the first part of the letter should be solely for the purpose of hooking the producers into wanting to read the script. Hit the ground running. This is the script, and these are the hardships the perils that the characters face achieving their goal. Just like the twists and hooks.
I understand the script is about bringing a musical to life in Africa, but what is the musical itself about? Is it Zinzi’s life? Is it a certain adventure? Why do you think it is important? Why do the characters who are trying to get it made think it is important?
Offer the proof-of-concept after explaining/pushing the screenplay — which you do mention it again later in the query letter. I think I read earlier that you have music too. I’d mention that as well. You have everything in place to show to them, but they need to want your script first.
I go back and forth about if you should mention who you want to play the parts.
I would switch two paragraphs. Offer what you have to them before the producer paragraph. Also, wouldn’t they want the script first? You state it as the last thing they would want. Instead, start by offering the script and then mention the other things you could send as well. Include the proof-of-concept was shot in Africa, and include the music and pitch deck.
Great credentials.
I personally find the concept interesting. It’s about females trying to do great creative things, which brings with it its own set of obstacles to overcome. It’s about women from two different cultures coming together to create something by bringing many people together, and that something they’re creating is about a girl. Very uplifting stuff. We love it when our girls succeed. Great job.
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Hi Phyllis,
First of all, just reading your bio has me interested in your script. Great credentials. Being a rookie, I have a lot to learn from many of you in this class. Anyways, here are my two cents regarding your letter.
I would start off with a hook to entice the producer. I would break up your opening paragraph into two to have more white space. Also, I don’t know how necessary it is to keep the budget paragraph.
Best of luck to you.
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Phyllis, what a refreshing concept. I enjoy films about shows. “Shows within shows” can be very engaging. Your letter makes it clear that your script is an intelligent, thought-provoking, and potentially emotional story. I would put your most engaging selling points up front and present them with even more deliberateness and clarity. I suggest that keep out of your introduction “actors in mind” details (leave that for your wrap-up) and anything else that gets in the way of the producer being able to clearly visualize your movie concept in your opening. I say “drop” your queried producer immediately into your African environs and immediately into your story and the angst and tension and the stakes involved for your protagonist and your main characters.
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Douglas
Hi,
I am getting together a roster of email addresses from the people in this class who want to stay in touch. After I get all the names (I’m giving you three days to respond), I’ll send an email out with everyone’s email. No one oversees the emails sent out. Once everyone who wants to be on the list gets the first email, anyone can reply to all and notify us of what you’re up to. That way, we won’t have to wade through the forums. You can tell us what steps you’ve taken to sell your script, replies you’ve received from producers, etc., accomplishments and anything else that you feel would be helpful to share with the group.
Please list your email address as a reply to this message, if you want to be a part of the email group.
Thanks,
Liz
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Sounds good, Elizabeth. I’m glad I came back and saw your message.
My email address is dougcoleh@msn.com
I like how you’re setting this up.
Douglas Herman
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Cara’s Query Letter – Draft ONE
What I learned in this assignment is… waiting to give and receive feedback. Please let me know if there’s anything you find interesting about Rilke, Rodin, or poetry in general. Is there anything that would “hook” you? I’m looking forward to suggestions!
Title: Imitation of a Poet
Written by Cara
Genre: Drama/Historical/True Story (Public Domain)If good poetry requires love. And excellent poetry requires heartbreak. What does famous poetry require?
For a fragile poet struggling with his identity, Rilke has finally found both profound love and a muse in the famous seductress, Lou Andreas-Salomé… but after he is unable to hold up in her distinguished intellectual circles, he is abandoned by his married lover who finds his poetry uninspired. With that, he embarks on a mission to mend his broken heart and write the kind of poetry worthy of her attention.
His solution for inspiration? Befriend the self-serving sculptor, Auguste Rodin – a revolutionary talent known for burning those closest to him.
In the midst of Paris’ burgeoning modern art movement, Rilke becomes enchanted with Rodin only to find that his own work and relationships suffer more than ever. As Rilke comes to terms with the realities of his friends’ artistic personalities, he discovers that whatever inspiration he had has run out.
As his health and work deteriorate, there’s only one choice – abandon his obsessive relationships.
Only then will he find his poetic fame.
** Rilke remains one of the most popular of all best-selling poets. His work is so influential that it’s even tattooed on Lady Gaga.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Cara Star
SB, CA
1-917-xxx-xxxx
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1
Does it have an opening hook that lures us into the story?
Hi Cara…The concern I have about your hook is that it is asking a general question about poetry vs. the actions of your protagonist. Maybe if you said something like: When he fell in love, he got good; when she broke his heart, he got great; but when Rilke (something something with someone), his poetry achieved the kind of immortality that landed the following stanza on Lady Gaga’s behind. [quote stanza]
2
Does it give us an interesting character that we want to know more about?
Most people would likely know that Rilke is an important poet, but perhaps if you were to find an anecdote to humanize him, it would make him intriguing beyond his poetry. The scenario described with his lover feels sort of abstract, and like something that you might find in another story (or maybe many) stories. He wrote Letters to a Young Poet, if I remember correctly. Is there maybe some advice in there that he doesn’t follow himself?
3
Does it end with a hook (impossible goal or emotional dilemma) that increases the chance a producer will request the script?
I think as it’s written now, the end doesn’t have a lot of built in tension because he obviously did find his poetic frame. Does your script detail any cliff hanger moment in his life—one where it could have gone the other way?
I think your story sounds like an idea that has great potential—like how Shakespeare in Love brought the man and his work alive for many who likely knew very little about Shakespeare. I wish you much success with it. And please only take these suggestions to heart if they speak to you. Best, Andrea
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Thank you so much, Andrea! I’m overwhelmed with all the great advice from everyone! I agree with everything you’re saying need to have more time to digest and properly respond. I would like my script to have a few more elements in it that Shakespeare in Love had – tension between two theaters, a woman dressed as a man so she can act, etc… I’ve stayed pretty close to Rilke’s life so far. I’ll be appreciating all of this as I go forward.
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Andrea
Hi,
I am getting together a roster of email addresses from the people in this class who want to stay in touch. After I get all the names (I’m giving you three days to respond), I’ll send an email out with everyone’s email. No one oversees the emails sent out. Once everyone who wants to be on the list gets the first email, anyone can reply to all and notify us of what you’re up to. That way, we won’t have to wade through the forums. You can tell us what steps you’ve taken to sell your script, replies you’ve received from producers, etc., accomplishments and anything else that you feel would be helpful to share with the group.
Please list your email address as a reply to this message, if you want to be a part of the email group.
Thanks,
Liz
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Cara, I want to revisit something you wrote in an earlier assignment. It made me think –“ooh, this sounds interesting.” Give me some time to find it and get back to you.
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Whatever that was is very interesting to me! I’d really like to know what about Rilke will catch people. I agree with everyone that I need more hooks. I wasn’t sure if relying too much on Lady Gaga’s tattoo was almost a form of cheap name-dropping. (I didn’t even know about the tattoo until just recently). Anyway, if you remember, I’d love to use it.
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Hi Cara.
I’m tiring to get a fix on how you have approached your screenplay. Anything in common with LUST FOR LIFE, the Vincent van Gogh movie?
Were you able to work any of Rilke’s words into your dialogue?
How bound are you to the historical facts of Rike’s life?
I ask because I’m thinking that this could be marketed as a great love story with a bittersweet ending?
You have such a great project here, worthy of being told but how best?
I can see both the period piece and a contemporary reincarnation in which all the events of the real Rike’s life play out in our time — before revealing that – Well, have you seen the movie, SOMEWHERE IN TIME?
You’ve set my mind to swimming. I fear none of this is helpful. But I am intrigued by your project and I’m pulling for you.
Steve
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Luckily, Rilke wrote copious letters and I have used a lot of it for the dialogue. In that sense, it’s a true poetry film — and absolutely a love story. But as everyone says, I need more hooks. I so appreciate your new angles. I need to read all these super comments and get working on them to use them to my best advantage. I’ll watch “Somewhere in Time.” I really like my script, it just needs to go up one more level… as you suggest. Thank you!
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Hi Cara,
So, I’ve been bouncing around a hook for your script, many having to do with Lady Gaga tattoos. Here’s my best shot after a long day:
Is there any rhyme to achieving poetic immortality?
I hope to have a clearer head tomorrow.
10/19 – I’m back. Second try: Obsession nearly killed the fragile poet, Rilke. Letting go made him legendary.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Thomas Duffy.
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I’m so flattered you spent time thinking about my story! These both super and capture the nature of the story. I will use them.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Hi Cara,
1. Does it have an opening hook that lures us into the story?
The opening doesn’t really hook me as I’m not clear on the meaning. ‘Famous’ poetry sounds a bit awkward. Could do with a rethink.
2. Does it give us an interesting character that we want to know more about?
I like the description of Rilke as ‘fragile’. Some elaboration on this could add some needed depth to the protagonist.
His decision to befriend Auguste Rodin could do with some further explanation.
3. Does it end with a hook (impossible goal or emotional dilemma) that increases the chance a producer will request the script?
The end hook could be more compelling. Clarification with a hint on how he ends his obsessive relationships to achieve fame may be worth consideration.
The potential of the story does grab me though even without ever having heard of Rilke.
Best regards
Philip Huber
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Thank you for your thoughts! Yes, I’ve struggled with the end hook. In Rilke’s true story, he separates himself from everyone by moving to Italy, and, according to him, his breakthrough came when he “let go” and then began experiencing “voices of angels” who “wrote” the poetry that brought him acclaim. Because it’s hard for me to understand this experience or what it was, I’ve struggled to figure out how to use it in the script and/or query. It seems a little “deus ex machina,” which I’m worried will look like a cheap story gimmick, but that’s actually what happened. So I either stick with the true story and risk it looking like an obscure spiritual film, or find a new, not-so-true explanation of how he reached the pinnacle of his career. Regardless, I agree with you!
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Philip
Hi,
I am getting together a roster of email addresses from the people in this class who want to stay in touch. After I get all the names (I’m giving you three days to respond), I’ll send an email out with everyone’s email. No one oversees the emails sent out. Once everyone who wants to be on the list gets the first email, anyone can reply to all and notify us of what you’re up to. That way, we won’t have to wade through the forums. You can tell us what steps you’ve taken to sell your script, replies you’ve received from producers, etc., accomplishments and anything else that you feel would be helpful to share with the group.
Please list your email address as a reply to this message, if you want to be a part of the email group.
Thanks,
Liz
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Hi Cara,
I’m so interested in this story. I love his work. “Letters to a Young Poet” should be a requirement for every writer 🙂
So, here we go:
1) Does it have an opening hook that lures us into the story? If so, does it make us want to read more?
I do agree with everyone’s assessment that we need a stronger hook here. Thomas’s hook idea is a great start: “Obsession nearly killed the fragile poet, Rilke. Letting go made him legendary.”
Just brainstorming here:
“Before he was Rainer Maria Rilke, he was a fragile poet, marred by heartbreak and obsession. To become legendary, he had to let it all go.”
Or,
“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart.”
Before he was Rainer Maria Rilke, he was a fragile poet, marred by heartbreak and obsession.
2) Does it give us an interesting character that we want to know more about?
For sure. What is not clear to me is Rilke’s “solution for inspiration” to seek out Rodin. Given that Rodin was abusive, what attracted Rilke to him? Perhaps to learn from an established artist? That relationship has to be clearer.
3) Does the query letter flow well?
Yes.
4) Does it end with a hook (impossible goal or emotional dilemma) that increases the chance a producer will request the script?
I think that an impossible goal or emotional dilemma needs to be presented at the end. There should be less of a focus on his eventual fame and more on his struggles. The fame we already know about, what hooks us is his journey.
5) Were there any parts that were confusing?
The Rodin reference.
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Thank you for your thoughtful and intelligent review of my query!
I’ll see if I can work in your Rilke quote as a hook in the query – it’s in the script, but used by Andreas-Salomé, who is likely the originator of the essence of the idea.
My first title was Rilke & Rodin, because Rodin plays a very large part in the story, but so does Andreas-Salomé, so it didn’t seem fair to give it all to Rilke and Rodin. Anyway, I understand your comments on Rodin and will try to make the query clearer on Rodin’s role in Rilke’s life. Rodin was selfishly focused on his art and consequently not always a “nice guy,” but many were enchanted with him as an artist… including Rilke. Rootless, Rilke felt he had a friend in Rodin as someone who saw life as intensely as he did. He thought his “friendship” with Rodin would help him produce better work – Rilke is a bit of a cling-on for most of his life and really only valued the highest of thinkers.
I agree with you on #4… and it’s a big one. As I said in an earlier reply to comments, in the true story, Rilke leaves Paris for Italy and essentially “let’s go” of his dreams of winning back Andreas-Salomé’s love by becoming a poet that she admires. In doing so, according to him, once he is separated from his important relationships (Rodin and Andreas-Salomé) — after a life of struggles — he begins to “hear the voices of angels” that help him write his most influential poetry. This is the real story, according to Rilke. I have thus far been mostly true to Rilke’s real story, but I agree with you about the ending. And I need to find a way to write a good hook into the ending to improve the script and query. I just have to figure out how to do it without my story coming off as a fake — or overly spiritual — ending where “angels” save the day, but also without deviating too far from Rilke’s real-life story.
In short, thank you for getting the ball rolling in the right direction! I admire your writing and appreciate your time. I just need a little more time to digest this work-in-progress.
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Hi Cara,
I should have known about Rilke by now, so thanks for alerting me. He seems like yet another lonely lost sole. This sounds like one of those stories that asks to be told.
“What does famous poetry require?” Death. Likely not the most appealing “hook”.
The guy seems like a wimp.
Lady Gaga’s tattoos? Now it sounds like you researched her tattoos, stumbled upon Rilke, and are trying to make a profound connection. I don’t get it.
But, like Rilke, you likely don’t need my feedback!
I hope you the best with it!
Jeff
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To Cara
A poet’s heart. A poet’s soul in this hard cold world. And isn’t that just who we all are? Writing scraps of words on little scraps of paper, trying to communicate.
That’s why I love your concept. An artist trying to be the best at his art. Going down the wrong path, finding the wrong answers, making all the mistakes to get it right.
It’s not a high concept movie, but it will have a following because people are hungry for something different.
Good letter, except you are trying to say something profound at the beginning, and the last of the three thoughts doesn’t do it. What about a line from his poems?
Also, give some specific examples of why things didn’t work out and the specific flaws in characters, mixed in with you telling us the relationships didn’t work.
Good stuff. I can see going to this with my daughter. My husband wouldn’t be interested, but that’s OK. We’d make a special date and drive across town to see it.
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Thank you for your comments! Yes, I’m getting wonderful suggestions on making that first hook — and entire query — better.
HA! Ironically, I’m not much of a poetic soul, but somehow got sucked into the lives of these people. And, I agree with you that this isn’t a film for everyone. My next script will definitely be a contemporary drama. 🙂
I will only target producers making this kind of content, but would certainly like to write a script and query that will go for the biggest audience within the audience.
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Glad you tackled this idea. Glad you have another script in mind. I’m rooting for you. 🙂
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You had me on Assignment 3. I really liked what you wrote then. I’m typing it below with a couple of edits. What I didn’t understand in your synopsis is “but when time begins to run out for Rilke…” I looked it up for clarification. He met Rodin in 1902 and didn’t die until 1926, so I don’t know what you mean by that or if you need it. Your original paragraph made me want to see the film:
After a romantic rejection from a renowned intellectual of letters, Lou Andreas-Salome, heartbroken poet Rainer Rilke continues to purse her personal and professional validation by befriending sculptor, Auguste Rodin. Roding, embroiled in his own love affairs, teaches Rilke his source of artistic inspiration. Rilke breaks his ties with Roding when he discovers his own fame can be found only in solitude, from an inner voice.
This is so clear and concise.
Maybe it’s just me, but in reading your query letter, I lost the essence of the story. And I know you’ve got a good story. This is the kind of film I want to see get made. I love biopics, especially ones I can learn from.
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Thank you! Sorry that I didn’t see this before I posted my second draft, but I’m keeping a log of all these comments and will use it when I rewrite the query again!
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The challenging journey of a poet: what an interesting concept for a film, Cara. I would consider a title that indicates the main dramatic aspect of this poet’s journey and dilemma, a title that charges us emotionally and pulls us in such as “Shakespeare in Love,” for example. A movie about Van Gogh is “Lust for Life”. I would suggest a sharper, shorter tagline, one that cuts to the heart of your poet protagonist. Inspiration is important, but I, as a producer, I would want to know what that sought and found inspiration would bring your hero and how would it change his life in a way that I could see and feel on the screen.
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Great to hear feedback from a producer! I’m sorry that I didn’t see this before posting my second draft… I agree the title could be stronger! I like your examples and they are helpful!
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I’m honored, Cara, that my words can be of assistance.
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Please see my query letter below. I posted the wrong assignment. Gordon
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Gordon Roback.
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Hi Gordon,
Your query letter looks and acts like a Pitch Fest Pitch instead of a query letter. Could you have done what I have almost done a couple of times with these lessons and used a document written for another purpose? Your credits are impressive, and would have more impact at the end of the letter. I say that because if you have gotten their interest with your hook and synopsis, then an extra helping of pro credits will validate their interest in the story – knowing that it comes from a pro.
This version of your synopsis is too long, with details in act three that could be condensed.
The main character is Pierre Trudel, so I am confused by “In the last act the new Jean Marchand.” Perhaps better to say something like, “our hero” or “the indestructible soldier.”
I love true stories of history, and this one sounds like an awesome tale. Good luck with it.
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Can you post your query letter? This looks like your pitch.
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Gordon
Hi,
I am getting together a roster of email addresses from the people in this class who want to stay in touch. After I get all the names (I’m giving you three days to respond), I’ll send an email out with everyone’s email. No one oversees the emails sent out. Once everyone who wants to be on the list gets the first email, anyone can reply to all and notify us of what you’re up to. That way, we won’t have to wade through the forums. You can tell us what steps you’ve taken to sell your script, replies you’ve received from producers, etc., accomplishments and anything else that you feel would be helpful to share with the group.
Please list your email address as a reply to this message, if you want to be a part of the email group.
Thanks,
Liz
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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To Cara,
I like your concept and your pitch.
I think some of your wording needs fine turning.
Is the goal to write famous poetry or GREAT poetry? And what is great poetry? That which speaks to the ages!
Is the character’s goal to find identity? This sounds trite. Or is the goal to find inspiration. (Also trite). Or is the poet’s goal to achieve greatness by telling the truth as only a great poet can see it and speak it. What then follows is recognition and acclaim?
It might be helpful to give a brief snippet of his poetry at the end of your pitch to inspire the audience.
I hope these comments are helpful.
Sincerely,
Gordon Roback
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Hello Thomas Duffy,
Why the ten year delay for Danny to attempt to reclaim his daughter? It makes the character sound like a wuss. He should be trying to recover her from right after the accident. If the mother-in-law has more money and better lawyers, say so. He may have been squashed and out lawyered, but he tried whole hog to get his daughter back. Then, ten years later …
I wouldn’t mention that you’ve taken meetings at Image etc. If you are taking showers with a top producer what can the lowly unwashed producers in the audience do for you?
I hope these comments are of help.
Best of luck with your project.
Gordon Roback
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Hey Gordon,
Thanks for your feedback. It was helpful. I tried to get as much on the trimmed bones without weighing it down. It’s been a decade since I skated with the Bad Boys group. Long time between showers. There were a lot of other industry folks in the group, many who have climbed the ladder. I’ll be following up with some of them. Meanwhile, I’m hustling. Here’s my change from your notes. Hopefully, it’s a little clearer.
“After a decade of minor league comebacks, a downtrodden Danny moves to L.A. to win Grace back. When his best friend, Lou, the Kings star center, finds him a job as a practice goalie, it strengthens his relationship with a new girlfriend and further antagonizes his unrelenting mother-in-law.
After family court battles, an arrest and a near death scare for Grace, Danny questions whether his daughter and girlfriend might be better off without him? Fate forces Danny into an critical game, leading to a surprising climax that pays off with a thrilling, on the edge of your seat, conclusion that audiences love.”
There is plenty of other info in the script. By the way, I did three MOW’s with Steve Stern, as an actor. He was a great guy!
I’ll send you some notes tomorrow on your letter.
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Hello Thomas,
I think you need to address the ten year hole in the script. Why cause problems for yourself when you have an interesting story to tell? When I heard “ten years later” it was an immediate red flag that there was a structural problem.
I’d like to hear about your experiences with Steven. He taught me many important lessons, although some of them were cautionary tales of what not to do.
Gordon
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Mark’s Query Letter Draft ONE
Dear Producer,
What’s the most terrifying force of nature? A lightning storm that knows who you are and where you live.
TITLE: SkyFire
GENRE: Sci-Fi thriller (TV series adapted from the novel by Thomas Page)
Synopsis:
A Navy weapons test creates a violent storm out of a clear, blue sky, and lightning bolts begin killing birds, animals and insects on the remote south sea island. When the first scientist is also killed, the team leader, Holden, an ex-military pilot, saves their lives with an ingenious plan and flies them to safety.
The Navy’s best weather expert discovers the storm can morph itself into different-looking weather patterns, and is crossing seas and continents heading for them. When the storm has killed all his team members, Holden is torn between fleeing and protecting Gina, his college sweetheart and true love, now a widow, along with her bratty three-year-old son.
The Navy brass are ready to sacrifice Holden to the storm to stop the destruction. Only when the looming storm attacks Gina and son does he realize the boy has his DNA, and is HIS OWN son. That’s when he comes up with a stunning plan that will either kill him or save the planet.
BIO: Mark’s first feature script was written and co-produced at age 24, and a second feature script was produced years later. This script is a Semi-Finalist, Screencraft TV Pilot Competition. Representation is by Stuart Arbury at Ramo Law.
If this concept interests you, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Feel free to contact me at any one of these contacts.
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This definitely meets the criteria for a unique concept. And I’m sure producers would be happy to read something they have never seen before.
Cool title.
I’m not sure why you buried the “ingenious plan.” I feel you could use that plan as a hook, instead of hiding it as something vague. And the same goes for the second “stunning plan.”
Overall, a really great letter for a unique concept that fits the genre and all with a solid bio.
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Hi Mark,
1. Does it have an opening hook that lures us into the story?
Great opening hook! So the storm was created as a weapon. Accidentally? This could do with some elaboration later and how it can be directed to attack.
2. Does it give us an interesting character that we want to know more about?
I think you are trying to explain too much of the plot. It could do with more focus on Holden. He’s a scientist but how is he related to the storm – I could guess through multiple readings that he created it accidentally with his team but this could be clarified and add depth to his character – he has a lot on his conscience.
3. Does it end with a hook (impossible goal or emotional dilemma) that increases the chance a producer will request the script?
Possibly yes, but because I’m not clear on the above it doesn’t land as well as it might.
Love the concept. I suspect you have a great script and it’s a matter of limiting the plotting details to focus more on one or two elements in the Query Letter.
Best regards
Philip Huber
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Mark,
To hook a producer right off the bat, may I suggest that you write the synopsis as if it were a thriller? Make it active. Set it apart by ramping up its style and tone. Maybe something like: On a remote South sea island, a Navy weapons test explores. Out of a clear, blue sky, lightning fractures into jagged bolts. Killing birds. Killing animals. Killing humans. Holden, the team leader, thinks fast. An ex-military pilot, he was trained for action. Trained to carry out his mission. Trained to save lives.
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Lightning appearing out of nowhere on a clear day and hitting a boat or a man was a puzzling phenomenon to the ancient Greeks. They saw it happen and could not fathom why. Their explanation was that Zeus, the king of the Gods, was throwing lightning bolts for a reason, whatever his reason was.
I find your concept of directing lightning bolts for strategic or sinister purposes fascinating. But then I am confused where you go with it. I don’t get the leap from the protagonist saving scientists who are under a lightning bolt attack for some reason to saving some kid who just happens to be his son. I couldn’t make the leap?
I am also unclear where your script is going. Is it like the James Bond film where he has to stop someone who is playing havoc with the weather or is something else going on? I find the conflict unclear and unstated. Please clarify.
I hope my feedback is helpful.
Gordon Roback
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Hi Gordon,
Your feedback is encouraging. You want to know more about the script! A good sign.
Because this is a TV series, there is ample time to reveal the science as episodes advance. The scientists’ electrical signatures have been imprinted (remembered) by the earth’s electrical field which has been disrupted by the weapons tests. The planet’s electrical field is out of balance — and their deaths are the only way to bring it back into balance.
The stakes are raised higher when Holden learns that its not just his own life at stake. Every trace of his DNA is to be wiped out as well. BY THE GODS…that’s unfair!
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Hello Mark,
I was thinking about your query letter and it dawned on me that the focus is in the wrong place. Your protagonist rubs a fellow the wrong way by foiling his attempt to kill government scientists. The protagonist retaliates and the conflict escalates with the antagonist going after the main character’s son using state-of-the-art technology.
This would connect what at first appeared to be two different stories.
Does this new structure work for you?
Best,
Gordon
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Mark, I want to see your movie! lol. Seriously. Your tagline is fabulous. Your query letter is tight and engaging. This is definitely a superlative example of “less is more”. “High concept” radiates from your letter. And, as a producer, I would want to know the “more”. (And great title!) Your query letter lets the producer easily “see” your movie. I would think your query letter would prompt many “Send me the script” replies.
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To Mark,
I posted this once before, but realized the program wasn’t showing the crossed through words. Tried to correct that, and maybe I didn’t press save, but can’t find it anywhere. So, here goes again.
TO MARK
What’s the most terrifying force of nature? A lightning storm that knows who you are and where you live.
Wow! Great concept and kind of scary.
TITLE: SkyFire
Wow! Good title
The following is all good, I went in and did some proofing. Filling in missing words or me inserting alt words in CAPS, punctuation and other things. It’s a clean write, that’s why it’s easy to see the mistakes. Take what you want from it. Hope it helps.
A Navy weapons test creates a violent storm out of a clear, (no comma needed here, clear is describing the blue sky) blue sky, and ITS lightning bolts (Leave out begin and turn killing to kills) begin kill<s>ing</s> birds, animals and insects on a remote south sea island.
I would write, A Navy weapons test on a remote south sea island creates a violent storm, etc. That way the punch of the storm killing birds, animals and insects, which is the most important thing, falls at the end of the sentence, not where the experiment is located which is establishing a place. Also, I’d change the order of the things being killed for it to read better and roll off the tongue easier (think lions, tigers and bears), to animals, insects, and birds.
When the first scientist is (leave out also) <s>also </s>killed, the team leader, Holden, an ex-military pilot, saves (their is ok if you’re talking about his team, but is he saving scientists? And later there’s the old girlfriend) <s>their</s> lives with an ingenious plan and flies them to safety.
I want to know if it’s nature or some evil person controlling the lightning bolts. A good thing, because I want more. Also, would like to know what the ingenious plan is, maybe a hint.
The Navy’s best weather expert discovers the storm can morph itself into different (leave out looking)<s>-looking</s> weather patterns. (period here and start a new sentence) IT’S crossing seas and continents and heading for them. (a two AND sentence with no commas to build energy)
AFTER <s class=””>When</s> the storm <s>has </s>kills <s>ed</s> all his team members (I’d use After instead of when, and leave out has. Turn killed to kills), Holden is torn between fleeing and protecting Gina, his college sweetheart and true love, now a widow, along with her (maybe not say bratty, since he’s soon introduced as Holden’s son, and we want to feel the awe in all that) bratty three-year-old son.
OK< this is new information about GINA, and I’m not sure where he is now or how she’s there. So somehow get me to this leap. Did the storm kill her husband? Was he part of Holden’s team?
The Navy brass are ready to sacrifice Holden to the storm to stop the destruction. Only when the looming storm attacks Gina and HER son, (comma here) does he realize the boy has his DNA, and is HIS (I’d leave out own, not sure you need to capitalize these two words) OWN son. That’s when he comes up with a (leave out stunning. If you showed a diamond to me and said it was stunning, I’d believe you, but the word stunning here is meaningless because I don’t know the plan. It’s enough and certainly gripping enough to know his plan will either kill him or save the planet. The do or die situation is what’s important in this sentence.)<s>stunning</s> plan that will either kill him or save the planet.
I don’t get why sacrificing Holden to the storm will stop the destruction. I understand from above that somehow Holden’s DNA plays into the storm attacking his son, but that’s another surprise, so you might want to say something first about the storm seeking out HOLDEN’S DNA to kill him because maybe that’s why the Navy brass want to sacrifice him. Something like… When top Navy brass realize Holden’s DNA holds the secret to stopping the storm , they decide to sacrifice him.
Great credentials.
Feel free to contact me (leave the rest of this sentence out because you say contact twice. Probably rewrote it and left it in by accident) <s>at any one of these contacts.</s>
Like I said, nice clean writing. You have a great unique concept that looks like a winner.
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Philip’s Query Letter – draft one
Title: Watch Out For Drop Bears
Written by Philip Huber
Genre: Buddy Comedy
Would you travel 10,000 miles in search of a hoax animal?
Ben and Owen do. And they’re zoologists! Though inept ones, and they’re escaping Regina, their ball-crushing boss who happens to be Ben’s ex-girlfriend and the girl Owen pranked in college.
And the hoax animal?
A Drop Bear is an evil, but still cute, 120 lb Koala with fangs that supposedly preys on tourists in the Australian Outback. The Aussies are such kidders. As the Boys learn when they arrive in Sydney.
But maybe the Aussies shouldn’t be so smug.
When there’s a toxic uranium spill in prime Drop Bear habitat and reports of growling in the night, the sparring BFFs set forth for the Outback on their quest, testing the limits of their bromance.
If you like the concept of Watch Out For Drop Bears!, I’d be delighted to send you the script.
Bio: I’ve co-produced a feature film (Turnover) and written and produced two short films (A Screenplay About Something and Lachlan Runs Free). This story is based around the real-life Drop Bear gag the Aussies use to fool gullible tourists; including me and my compatriots.
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I like the setup with the friends and the boss – it comes across as a strong comedic situation.
I’m not sure how many people would know what a “Drop Bear” is even if they had toured Australia, which doesn’t matter except that it makes the title a bit confusing on the first go. Do you have any shorter titles in the running?
I remember in an earlier post you said this was something like a Dumb and Dumber, which instantly made me like it and understand its slightly goofy (in a good way) plot. It could maybe use a bit more clarity on what the BFFs tend to spar about – how do the two characters differ that keeps the story going?
Also, do you have one short sentence hook about how this all ends? I’d like a hint as to how the bromance survives, or if the hoax (real) bears eat them, or what?
Strong bio. You might want to make the last sentence its own paragraph.
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Hi Cara,
thank you for your thoughtful review.
This is helpful for my next revision.
Best regards
Philip
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Hello Philip,
Have you seen “The Hunter” with Willem Defoe? I think your film has already been made.
Check it out.
Gordon Roback
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Miles off. Different genre – thriller? vs buddy comedy, hoax vs extinct animal. Care to comment on the Query Letter?
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I find your query letter unclear.
What is at stake? Who is the protagonist? I don’t know.
Is the “Drop Bear” like a Pacific Sasquatch, except more sinister?
I did not know this was supposed to be a comedy until you mentioned it in your response to my last comment.
Please clarify.
Gordon
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Philip, love the original concept: humorous film about a hoax. I would “smash it” even more with a provocative, tight logline up front. I would just call your buddies inept with no softening with an “also are”. They’re most likely bumblers and I wouldn’t shy away from letting it be known. Let the producer get a sense of what the movie is right away and get him/her to “fall in love” with your two inept characters. I suggest you adjust the title as it causes a bit of a pause since very few people know about drop bears. The “Watch Out” part is very clever because we know that warning sign well. I also you move the part about this being a true hoax played by Aussie’s up to the beginning of your query. Possibly, it could help to write your synopsis in a way that shows off more of your comedic writing talent. If you can get a producer to actually be chuckling before they’ve finished your query, your chances for a request can only heighten. For flavor, you might even throw in a few Aussie slang words, giving the producer the sensation that he’s already “inside your movie”.
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Hi Douglas, thank you for your review and suggestions. The title is problematic. I was hoping it would create curiosity, instead it appears to create confusion even with the description. Time for a rethink or perhaps if I describe Drop Bears as killer koalas that will convey the story more clearly.
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Philip, I think you may have just hit on the title: “Killer koalas”! The title shouts comedy to me. Also, to make it absolutely clear about the humorous tone, you might consider an adjusted tag line to pull in the producer even more such as…
KILLER KOALAS
“Real or hoax? Now they wish they never found out.” Something like that. lol
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Thank you Douglas. I appreciate your input
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Most welcome. Or as an Aussie might put it: “Beauty, mate.”
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What I learned: That practice makes for less headaches. Cause there’s no room for perfect. All one can do is the best they can to tell the story, throw in a few carrots and hope the producer likes carrots, lol. Thanks.
Karen Crider’s Query letter draft One
10/18/2021
Genre: Comedy
Title: How to Train Your Tutu
Pitch: A frenzied, teenage ballerina struggles to emulate her late mother’s ballet career, against her father will and a corrupt, competitor’s goals, while battling her doughnut addiction during Covid 19.
Dear …
Teen girl (16) decorates cakes at her father’s doughnut shop.
She dreams of being a ballerina against her father’s will. She buys a second- hand tutu, at a second- hand store, with her father’s money, set aside for upper level-courses for nursing. Her disobedience is as rife as cigarette odors embedded in her tutu. And its training begins.
She meets a ballet instructor and attends class;
A weaselly competitor challenges her in ballet, looks, grades, values; plus, the boy they both love. Antagonist wins. Covid’s arrives. Classes ebb. Protagonist father’s business closes. A deeper doughnut addiction strains the tutu’s fit and her chances of winning competitions.
The title, How to Train Your Tutu originates from:
How to Train Your Dragon. Nursing is the dragon. The theme is similar to: Dead Poet’s Society, where the father wants his son to be a doctor. Can she find a way to choose ballet slippers over nursing shoes and train her tutu so it fits for life? For a copy of, How to Train Your Tutu, call: 218-821-3520 or email me at: karencrider@yahoo.com.
Sincerely, Karen Crider 16077 Palomino Lane Brainerd, MN. 56401
I am a lifelong writer. I have mentored, edited, and promoted writers; as well as, screenwriter’s in my writer’s group. I have studied screenwriting courses at workshops, conferences and schools such as ScreenwritingU and Screenwriting University. This is my sixth script.
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This sounds like a really sweet and timely story. And, the main character seems lovable.
I prefer the specific query letter format suggested in the class because it seems cleaner and easier to read quickly. This strays a bit from that format by adding a “pitch” line, describing the meaning of the title, using a different setup for the contact information, and not using the word “BIO.” Maybe you could try a version that is closer to the class suggestion and see which one is easier to read?
In the query letter, the story sounds like it would make a great musical. It also comes across to me as more of a “Hairspray” than a “Dead Poet’s Society.”
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Karen, love the title. Nothing like alliteration to get our attention. I like how you got across how quirky your teen is. What she’s actually up against is not as clear as I would wish and I’m not fully comprehending what she wants in a tangible way, what she’s willing to sacrifice to get it. I love quirky, but I don’t sense the story engine is revving enough. I suggest you let the producer get a better sense of how not only quirky and different she is, but also how accessible she is to an audience and why they would love her and cheer her on through all her ordeals.
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Leland’s Query Letter Draft One
The cop is a lady, a beauty who beats up big men, catches crooks
Title: Dick & Jane go to War
Genre: Thriller
She’s a cop, tall, beautiful, athletic and capable of taking down big men with ease. Against internal prejudice she overcomes roadblocks, stops her new partner from running her off, escapes after being drugged and taken captive, catches the serial killer. Her geek friend gives her an edge. She’s there to save him when a super-hacker sends in mercenaries. After a gun battle, Uzis against handguns, our cop saves her geek friend, catches the super-hacker, gets the promotion.
Would love to show you more.
Leland
Phone ### ### ####
Email xx@gmail.com
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Hi Leland —
Great query! Concise, presents the main character and what she’ll be coming up against, and reveals its genre. I was left with two fairly big questions after reading it, though:
1. If “Jane” is the heroine, will “Dick” be an ally or the villain? Neither? Both?
2. Beyond the life-threatening challenges laid out before her, what really stands in the way of someone this competent in dealing with terrible danger? This jumped out to me because I had to answer the same question with my own script. The hero is the hero for good reasons, but perhaps include something that would make the reader believe even someone this capable could still fail — something she overlooked, or an Achilles’ heel-type character flaw, maybe.
Good luck!
-Mark
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Leland, I think you’re on the right road, but I think your road needs more specifics in order to draw in a producer. I don’t get a sense of who this cop lady is except that she’s big and athletic and apparently driven. But I don’t know what her overarching goal is and what’s important to her. Since your genre is thriller, I suggest to write your synopsis to embody that much more. “Scare the producer”. Let your query reader feel the “thrill of the ride”.
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Gordon Roback – Draft 2 Query Letter
Camerone
Action Adventure
What would you do if you were surrounded, vastly outnumbered and low on ammunition?
Would you surrender or would you fight? You are out of food and water. The men of your company are hit, one by one, but you refuse to surrender. Then, when out of ammunition, would you and the other five men still standing fix bayonetes and charge the attacking army?
This is the ultimate Alamo story. It took place in 1863 when France invaded Mexicoduring the American Civil War. The screenplay is based on the true events.
a) A company of the French Foreign Legion is the advance guard of a gold shipment to pay the French soldiers besieging Mexico City. If the gold is lost, this would be the end of the French invasion. Captain Danjou is told if you run into trouble the relief column will be two hours behind.
b) After marching all night the 65 men are attacked by 2,200 Mexicans about 7:00 am.
c) They manage to fight their way to a stone house near Camerone and take up defenses.
d) They hold off the Mexicans, even though they are outnumbered 60 to 1.
e) The Mexicans think they have the gold
f) After repulsing several attacks the Legion is surrounded by huge piles of Mexican dead.
g) By 2:00 pm the legion is down to 20 men still standing. They are out of water, food and medicine. They are running low on ammunition. But they refuse the offer to surrender.
h) About 3 pm they see a huge dust cloud coming toward them. They cheer, thinking they are being relieved, but it is more Mexicans. A lot more.
i) They now realize their situation is hopeless. But they continue to resist.
j) About 6:00 pm they are out of ammunition. Refusing to surrender, the six Legionnaires still standing fix bayonets and attack the Mexican army.
This is the battle that made the French Foreign Legion a legend.
If you want to understand courage, this is the film to see.
Given the box office success of such films as Zulu, Fury, 300 and 1917 there is a definite market for this kind of film, especially one with the romantic cache of “The French Foreign Legion”
There are many great roles here. In Zulu, his first film, Michael Caine became a star.
A bit about me.
I earned a MFA in film production at the University of Southern California. While there I won a Phi Beta Kappa scholarship in film production and won the Jack Nicholson Award, the senior writing prize of the film school for “The Black Watch”, a war film. The decision of the judges was unanimous.
In addition to optioning five screenplays I have sold another two outright and I was co-writer on “Money”. The feature film and miniseries (two different screenplays) was directed by Steven H Stern and produced by Cinemax (France) and Rene Malo Films (Canada). Another of my scripts is currently being read by a producer on inktip.
I am a Canadian citizen and live in Vancouver, BC.
If you would like to read the screenplay I would be happy to send it to you.
I can be reached at meetfriday@hotmail.com
Sincerely,
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You have changed and focused much in this draft. In several reads, ideas came to me – starting with the title. No one will respond to Camerone, unless it were a symbol of heroism or defeat like Navarone or Tobruk or El Alamein. Instead, titles that can suggest the enormity of the battle come to mind, like “THE SIX” or “THE LEGION” or “Death Before Defeat.”
One thing you have lost in this draft is the link to your central character. The bookend device you had with the hero being asked “jail or serve in the legion” is a great entre to the bloody business, and it resonates with irony again at the end after what he has been through.
I think you can condense A thru H paragraphs into something more like, “A criminal escapes jail by serving in the Foreign Legion, only to become part of a small advance guard whose mission holds the fate of the entire French army in their hands. When they are besieged by Mexican forces that outnumber them 65 to one, they realize that their real strength is a limitless patriotism to the country that sentenced them here.
Weave the emotional thread into your synopsis along with the big battle picture.
Paragraph (i) could elaborate: “They now realize their situation is hopeless. But they continue to resist.” WHY?
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Hello Mark,
Your suggestions are helpful. Thank you.
Why did the Legionnaires continue to resist, even when they realized their situation was hopeless? Good question. This is what fascinates me about the historical event. The only conclusion I can draw is that to them, men without a country, The Legion was their country.
Why did the Afghan army just collapse without a fight after the American withdrawal? It makes no sense to me why they just folded, especially when they had everything to lose. This is what is so fascinating about history. What you expect is not what actually happened.
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You touch on a very compelling point – “to them, men without a country, The Legion was their country.” That’s great material for motivations among the men. Some are French, like the protagonist who is risking his life for a deep love of “La Marseillaise” but others who have no country are inspired by an even stronger, more personal drive – the brotherhood of the Legion.
Run with it. Make us love these guys – like Butch and Sundance!
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Gordon, your historical logline is engaging and a provocative concept for a film. I suggest you think “condense” and “tighten,” striving to get your concept across more concisely. If I was reading your query letter as a producer, I wouldn’t favor the alphabetical listing for your synopsis. I would want to know quickly what your story is about and who your main character is and what drives him/her personally besides the historical fact of the courage shown by the company as a whole. I would watch out for any tendency to self-aggrandize and let your work speak for itself. You want a producer to immediately think, “THIS is the kind of writer I want to work with.” “Glory” comes to mind and it might be a film you equate yours with.
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ASSIGNMENT
Guil’s Query Letter Draft ONE
What I learned doing this assignment is that… or perhaps was reminded once again… that it is always imperative to get feedback before anything gets sent out.
Draft One:
Title: The Filmmaker’s Revenge or The Dreammaker’s Revenge (TBD)
Written by: Guil Parreiras
Genre: Crime / Drama
Sometimes a Hollywood dream can become a nightmare!
A crazed movie-obsessed screenwriter, Harold, and his director, Travis, are in financial ruin because of the failure of their indie film. The logical solution would be to pay it off, but no… instead, Harold kidnaps Valenti, a producer!
Such reckless action sets Harold and Travis against each other. Should they let Valenti go? What if he calls the cops? But, just when they get close to a solution, Travis’s accidental death becomes a point of no return and may implicate both Harold and Valenti.
The unlikely duo are now forced to work together to elude a cunning detective — it’s a self-serving engagement for the sake of survival! As the detective closes in on them, Harold and Valenti turn on each other. The question remains: who will outwit who and who will evade the law?
This is a contained screenplay with five actors, two interior locations, and some exterior pick-ups. Can be very inexpensive to make!
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script. Thank you.
Bio: Guil is a writer/director with a BFA in Film Studies from Columbia University and an MFA in Creative Writing from The City College of New York. His screenplay Rock Story was a Top 50 Finalist in the ISA Fast Track Fellowship and his short screenplay Another Day on the Line is a semi-finalist in the Outstanding Screenplays Shorts Competition.
Contact Info:
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I like your story! Its tightly written and flows well.
I would change one word of your character description – not crazed but “desperate.” he becomes more sympathetic.
I assume Valenti, a producer had something to do with the failure of their film, so that’s why they abduct him – for revenge. I think it would make more sense to make him a distributor. Then its easy to see that he is the culprit, who provided no net returns to them.
And then the title falls into place – “Filmmaker Revenge.”
Overall your letter is really good.
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Hi Guil:
I love your title. I’m just a bit confused, however, on if Valenti is a producer on his movie or another. I just think you may need a line that tells us why the movie failed. Perhaps your first hook could be something like:
“What would you do if your producer embezzled funds causing your movie to fail?”
I just stuck in the embezzlement as a placeholder, but something short and to the point like that captures a producer’s attention and it gives Harold some built-in sympathy as to why he’s going off the deep end. You could also give us the stakes: Does Harold lose his home, his wife, his family? That could also be worked into a hook telling us what the stakes are.
I hope this helps.
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Hi Guil,
I agree with Mark. The first time through, I found it confusing as to why they kidnapped Valenti. Was he their producer? Was he a random producer? Was it for the money or motivated. Mark’s suggestion about a distributor or the reason they had for kidnapping Valenti in particular, would help clarify this. Nice letter.
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Hi Guil – The letter flows nicely. I would put a logline at the top or concept. Often that explains quite a lot, and gives you more space to go into another hook in the letter. Also, question: is Valenti a producer they know? Might help to describe Valenit (could be a crooked producer, one that used them, or a high profile one that can give them some money, etc.)
Just my thoughts.
note: I think the first line could be your concept, but most would have the protagonist in it, plus some action… ideally a conflict with a possible solution, or implied solution.
Lonnie Nichols
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This is well-written and engaging. I would feel confident that this script would be worth the read. You did a good job showing the reversals and plot in a succinct, interesting way.
I’m still not a fan of “The” in film titles because it seems they would look “literary” and clunky on a film poster or billboard.
I think this will get a lot of requests.
(**I went to SIPA… GO LIONS! 🙂 )
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I like where you’re going with this, Guil, but I don’t have a razor-sharp understanding of what your script/story is about. Why did they target that specific producer? What’s the overall plan of these guys and, if it’s money from ransom, why is it so important to get the money now? Can you make it clear why, if they don’t do this desperate deed, what is going to befall them. In other words, what makes them this desperate to cross this line? The idea of a Hollywood big shot being kidnapped has been explored in several known films, so I’d make sure that you make sure the producer reading your query letter immediately sees that you have a BRAND NEW TAKE on this concept or, he/she will quickly say “been done done before” and discard. Your tagline is good, but the “dream turns to nightmare” has been seen and utilized too many times and I suggest you consider a new version of how to say it. In short, make sure a producer reading your query quickly quickly senses this is something unique to the point that they want to know more. I also suggest you write your synopsis with the same tone your script is in. Is there a way to make it less like reportage and more “get ready for a bumpy and humorous and imaginative ride”?
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What I learned: to concentrate on stakes and story and make them the focus of your query letter.
Karen Crider’s query letter, draft two.
10/19/21
Title: How to Train Your Tutu
Genre: Comedy
Pitch: A frenzied teen ballerina struggles to emulate her late mother’s ballet career against her father’s will and a corrupt competitor’s goals while battling her doughnut addiction during Covid 19.
Dear…
Teen girl decorates cakes in father’s doughnut shop.
She dreams of being a ballerina. Her widowed father insists she take nursing. She rebels, and takes his money, set aside for Biology courses to buy a second-hand tutu. One that falls apart at competition.
She meets a ballet teacher and struggles to pay for classes.
Her weaselly competitor outdoes her in every competition, even for the boy they both love. A boy who doesn’t know she’s alive. Covid arrives. Classes ebb. Her father’s business closes. A doughnut addiction strains the tutu’s fit and her chances of winning a final competition.
She wins a scholarship to meet her gas and lodging expenses.
But her father wants her to promise to re-consider nursing if she loses. How can she find a way to choose ballet slippers, over nursing shoes, and train her tutu so it fits for life? For a copy of, How to Train Your Tutu, call: 821-218-3520.
Sincerely,
Karen Crider
16077 Palomino Lane
Brainerd, Minnesota 56401
I am a lifelong writer, and have studied screenwriting for several years at online schools, including,
ScreenwritingU and Screenwriting University.
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This is such a great original idea! Awesome!
1) Does it have an opening hook that lures us into the story? If so, does it make us want to read more?
For some reason, it reads more like a drama to me, not so much a comedy. The first line needs to push the buttons a little more. Maybe something along the lines: A teen girl dreams of being a ballerina, but a doughnut addiction, a corrupt competitor and her widowed father stand in the way!
2) Does it give us an interesting character that we want to know more about?
Yes, but we need to know more about why her father objects to her dreams since his wife was a successful ballerina. Then, we would root for the girl even more when we see that she goes against her father, steals his money, buys a tutu, and goes for her dreams no matter what. Is her father like the father character in Shine?
3) Does the query letter flow well?
Yes. Just strengthen the hooks a little more.
4) Does it end with a hook (impossible goal or emotional dilemma) that increases the chance a producer will request the script?
“She wins a scholarship to meet her gas and lodging expenses.”
How about leaving us guessing about whether she gets the scholarship or not? That seems to be the make-it or break-it moment. Or, she gets the scholarship, but then we learn that she has a major obstacle ahead, an “all is lost” event or something where the stakes are really high, which raises the question… how will she fare?
5) Were there any parts that were confusing?
The father’s objection and also the part about the doughnut addiction. Is that self-sabotage? What is the cause of her addition? Also, add a little more info about the “corrupt” competitor. Corrupt in what way? The competitor seems to win every time. By cheating?
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Hi Karen – an excellent concept. There’s plenty of conflict in the story, but the query doesn’t quite reflect it.
One example could be revising the opening line or two, like: A teenage girl dreams of being the ballerina her mom was, but is forced to decorate cakes in her father shop. (a bit of conflict).
Another example..it’s very cool she won a scholarship. Did she struggle for years to get it? Was it from her dancing? grades? Since it’s a comedy maybe she wins a scholarship, unexpectedly for cake decorating, or something she doesn’t even like doing. #2: “Out of no where, she’s awarded a scholarship from a cake decorating contest at the state fair…she hates decorating cakes!
Maybe provide some conflicts and hooks because the story sure has them!
Just some thoughts, thanks, Lonnie Nichols
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Hi Karen:
Love this story. I just think your first hook could be stronger. Right now it reads like the action line in the script.
What about something like: Will donuts, COVID 19, and a disapproving father kill a teenager’s dream to become a ballet dancer?
Something more along those lines.
Love the last line. It’s perfect.
Hope this helps
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Karen, I can already imagine the audience for this. Your pitch would be better as two sentences. Or maybe one short sentence is enough. “A frenzied teen ballerina struggles to emulate her mother’s ballet career while battling her doughnut addiction during Covid 19.” Short sentences make it easier for a reader to grasp the story line. Not sure what “frenzied” is meant to convey. Is there a better descriptive word that would help form a picture?
This is a concept that is original and can get made. Keep going!
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Mark’s Query DRAFT TWO
Dear Producer,
What’s the most terrifying force of nature? A lightning storm that knows who you are and where you live.
TITLE: SkyFire
GENRE: Sci-Fi thriller (TV series adapted from the novel by Thomas Page)
Synopsis:
A Navy weapons test creates a violent storm out of a clear, blue sky, and lightning bolts begin killing birds, animals and insects on the remote south sea island. The lead scientist of the team, Holden, is devastated at the damage the test caused, but partly redeems himself by saving their lives with a risky plan and flying them to safety.
The Navy’s best weather expert discovers the storm can morph itself into different-looking weather patterns, and is crossing seas and continents heading for them. Holden’s horror at realizing the storm is killing his team is compounded by his dilemma — to flee or stay and protect Gina, his college sweetheart and true love, now a widow, along with her bratty three-year-old son.
The Navy brass are ready to sacrifice Holden to the storm to stop the destruction. Only when the looming storm attacks Gina and son does he realize the boy has his DNA, and is HIS OWN son. That’s when he comes up with a stunning plan that will either kill him or save the planet as his reparation.
BIO: Mark’s first feature script was written and co-produced at age 24, and a second feature script was produced years later. This script is a Semi-Finalist, Screencraft TV Pilot Competition. Representation is by Stuart Arbury at Ramo Law.
If this concept interests you, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Feel free to contact me at any one of these contacts.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by mark Morris.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by mark Morris.
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Hi Mark:
I really love this idea. I think it’s very unique and fresh. Your logline is great! As a matter of fact, I would be tempted to use it as a one-sentence hook at the beginning of your synopsis.
I’d also break out the first sentence of your next paragraph into a one-sentence hook.
And then break out the first sentence of the next paragraph as well. That way if the producer only reads those one sentence while skimming, they’ll basically know the story.
Hope this helps
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Thanks Deb, I agree with your suggestions and will incorporate,
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Mark, it’s very clear and a good read. Still love the title and the tag line. And the professional way you present yourself. Cheering for you on this.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Debbie’s Query Letter Draft One
I learned not to let curiosity about someone’s story make me give a critique asking for more information. I learned to stick to the criteria laid out for us.
Dear Producer
Since you worked on some of my favorite horror shows, I thought you might want to take a look at my pilot, Invasive Species.
BIO: Deborah Daughetee has written for such television shows as Murder, She Wrote, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman and Touched by an Angel (under the name of Debbie Smith).
INVASIVE SPECIES
FORMAT: 1-hour Television Drama Horror/Serial
CONCEPT: When archaeologist becomes impregnated by alien sperm, she loses her wife, her family, and her identity as she fights the invasion of not only her womb but of the earth.
What if a career-making discovery signals an alien invasion?
Abigail Resnik and her sister, Renee, have been raised by their grandmother to be warriors in the case of a Reptilian invasion. They never really believed in the stories, but when Abby finds a reptilian skeleton, the pair return home to prepare.
But not before Abby becomes impregnated with alien sperm.
Abby’s wife Cathy brings home a fertility statue for luck in Cathy’s insemination. But something emerges out of the statue and impregnates Abby instead. At her grandmother’s compound, Abby finds a prophecy about the equivalent of a Reptilian Messiah, someone who will release a conquering hoard to take over the earth and enslave humans.
Abby suddenly realizes that the prophesied child is growing in her womb.
When the skeleton at the dig rises and disappears, everyone involved knows that the messiah has been conceived. The Reptilians and Abby’s family both rally to track down the child, one side to kill it, the other side to nurture it.
Now Abby must protect her hybrid child from her family as well as from the enemy.
EPISODE STRUCTURE: I plan for 9 episodes per season. Each week takes Abby deeper into the discovery of the Reptilian Plan, while she hides her child from both sides.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the pilot and the bible for 5 seasons.
Deborah Daughetee
IMDB: Debbie Smith
Linked In: Deborah Lynn Daughetee
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Hi Debra – I think this is very good. One comment on the concept is in the end: “…..her identity as she fights the invasion of not only her womb but of the earth.” Just wondering at the very end of the sentence it could be phrased to imply “fighting off those who want the fetus”, or something along those lines. It was little awkward for me to get the “….but of the earth.
Who else is she fighting? (I know after reading the letter).
I like the letter and how it flows after the concept. Just my thoughts, take care, Lonnie
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Thanks, Lonnie. I’m struggling with the concept. Thanks for the advice.
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I struggle with every logline I’ve eve done! but overall… it’s there for yours, just some minor tweeking
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For: Deborah Lynn Daughetee
I know we’re supposed to put our credentials at the bottom of the page, but if I had credentials like yours, they’d be at the top too.
CONCEPT: When archaeologist becomes impregnated by alien sperm, she loses her wife, her family, and her identity as she fights the invasion of not only her womb but of the earth.
Wonderful concept and Yikes about being impregnated with alien sperm. I would write …she fights the invasion of her womb and the earth. You establish emotion sympathy for the main character right away. It makes me happy to see this Abby has a wife. Anything that normalizes the LGBT community makes me happy.
What if a career-making discovery signals an alien invasion?
Not sure if you need the above sentence and the concept, seems like the concept says it all.
Abigail Resnik and her sister, Renee, have been raised by their grandmother to be warriors in the case of a Reptilian invasion. They never really believed in the stories, but when Abby finds a reptilian skeleton, the pair return home to prepare.
How interesting. It makes me stop and think of how I was raised vs these girls. The reptilian invasion is another shock, so I want to know more. Not sure Reptilian needs to be capitalized. The girls return home to prepare. They are warriors
But not before Abby becomes impregnated with alien sperm.
You’ve already used these words above, so how about …But there’s an alien baby growing inside Abby.
Abby’s wife Cathy brings home a fertility statue for luck in Cathy’s insemination. But something emerges out of the statue and impregnates Abby instead.
The above seems to be out of place. When does this insemination happen? I thought it already happened before this point.
At her grandmother’s compound, Abby finds a prophecy about the equivalent of a Reptilian Messiah, someone who will release a conquering hoard to take over the earth and enslave humans.
Uh oh.
Abby suddenly realizes that the prophesied child is growing in her womb.
Uh oh again.
When the skeleton at the dig rises and disappears, everyone involved knows that the messiah has been conceived. The Reptilians and Abby’s family both rally to track down the child, one side to kill it, the other side to nurture it.
This still makes me think the chain of events is out of place. Maybe when you mention them going home, say they know they must go home and prepare, because this is happening at the dig, right?
Great you have the warring factions and their reasons.
Now Abby must protect her hybrid child from her family as well as from the enemy.
A mother’s love comes into play. Nice. Another dilemma.
This is great. It reminds me of some of the aliens living among humans TV shows, but it has its own unique twist. I can see where it could last several seasons, and many supporting characters ranging from family members to religious leaders to politicians. Just the battle against humans to save her child would be hard fought. Then, there’s the Reptilians.
Looks like a winner.
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This is a great critique, Elizabeth. Thank you so much. I’ll be rewriting my letter now.
I put the bio upfront because I’m in the binge-worthy class and Hal told me my credits were strong enough to do that.
You made my day.
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Thanks. I was thinking last night instead of saying there’s an alien growing inside her, say there’s a reptile growing inside her. EWWW. LOL makes me laugh.
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Hi Debbie, there are many scary elements to this story with interesting hooks. However, I think you have included too many in the query letter and it would be better to focus on a couple and link them clearly to convey the concept. My suggestion is to pick the most provocative – the reptilian insemination and pregnancy. Some points that could be clarified in regards to this is the insemination process, Abigail finding out she is pregnant with a reptile, and presumably her decision to keep the baby/hatchling?. Also I think it would be useful to state the genre.
Best regards
Phil
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Lonnie’s Query Draft #1
What I learned: Provide plenty of hooks and provide the ending. The challenge is to squeeze the best hooks in a short letter, but still tell the essence of the story. I ask myself: If I were a producer, would this interest me?
Dear {Producer} I enjoyed reading your wide variety of genres on IMBDPro, and I believe you would like my latest work, “Elevator Down”. Let me know what you think:
Title: ELEVATOR DOWN
Genre: Sci-fi/Suspense
Concept: A kidnapped boy struggles to escape an underground cult of shape-shifting reptoids who kidnap and clone world leaders, then send them to the surface to take control of world governments and economies.
Ben Shaeffer, a fragile 9-year-old, is witness to a jetliner hijacking. He is immediately kidnapped and held in a deep, underground cell by shape-shifting, powerful reptoids.
The evil leader, Adronis, wants him eliminated.
Meanwhile, in a Washington D.C. hotel, his frantic parents suddenly receive eerie messages on their TV, letting them know their son is alive. Who sent these messages? And, where is he?
But Adronis’ female partner in crime, Aurora, is endeared by Ben and his love for his family. She cannot kill him and drops hints with codes for the one, single escape route to the surface: the Elevator!
Does Ben get the hints? He gets part of the way. He sends up his mobile phone with explicit pictures of the underground complex, along with voice recordings of the reptoids’ evil agenda and how they will carry it out… in Washington, Rome, and London.
The Secret Service, FBI, and Washington P.D. team up to flood the complex with water, flushing out all the reptoids. Ben has magically got himself and the other prisoners out.
In the end, the jailed and dying Aurora relinquishes all of her powers of healing and more to little Ben.
BRIEF BIO: Published fiction and non-fiction author, Master’s degree: George Washington U.
I would like to send along the full script of Elevator Down upon your request.
Regards, Lonnie Joseph Nichols
Ph: 520-282-1294
Email: ljenterprises77@gmail.com Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/l-joseph-nichols-4718b61b4/
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Lonnie Nichols.
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Hi Lonnie:
Great letter. My notes are nitpicks only.
I would delete the last sentence out of your first paragraph. “Let me know what you think” is basically what you would put in your last sentence of the letter.
Your last sentence is a little off. I think you should simplify the structure and just say something like, “If my concept intrigues you, I’ll be happy to send you a copy of my script.” Something straightforward like that.
Like I said, nitpicks.
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thanks for that feedback! talk tonight! Lon
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This looks like a wild story! I have a 9-year-old and she would not be able to handle this situation. 🙂 Those poor parents!
Is “wide variety of genres” a placeholder statement? If so, I would try a more focused approach. I think people prefer it if they feel you really singled them out as someone who would love the story and want to make it.
You do a great job with your hooks and I love your ending hook. It makes me feel confident the story ends in a satisfying way and isn’t vague.
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Hi Cara – yes, just a place holder. Depends on the producer, of course, I would try and be more specific, like naming the movies they’ve produced.
thanks for the feedback,! Lonnie
ps – yes, happy ending
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Dear Producer,
Title: Flint Hill
Written by Elizabeth Yanders
Genre: Horror/Supernatural Thriller
Logline: When a young boy’s father takes a traveling sales job in a new town, he’s left to save his sister and pregnant mother from a dead girl who will kill to be part of their family, but how can he stop someone who’s already dead?
Evan hopes this move will be different. Maybe he won’t be bullied at school and maybe his dad will keep his job, but soon finds there’s a bigger problem. Abigail, a lonely dead girl, lives in his backyard and she wants love, which means his family. He’ll have to stop her on his own because his mom doesn’t believe she exists, and his little sister thinks she’s magic.
When Evan’s makeshift exorcism doesn’t work, Abigail sends a dead “pet” to kill him. He destroys the pet, and in return she kills Fuzzy, the family dog. His mom thinks Evan did it to prove Abigail is real, and she’ll have to institutionalize him again. Devastated and certain he’s next to die, he steals the family car to run away, but the sight of his fragile sister makes him stay and fight for all their lives.
He’s a worthy opponent, but Abigail has a supernatural arsenal. When one of Abigail’s “human pets” kills his mother, Evan must get what’s left of his family off Flint Hill before they become hers for eternity.
Flint Hill scored 96/100 by seasoned Hollywood readers and placed in several contest including:
Top Ten, ISA Table Read My Screenplay, Horror/Sci-Fi Genre: FLINT HILL hurt my heart. It made me tense. It scared me on an emotional level.
Semi Finalist, ScreenCraft Horror Competition: FLINT HILL is a tense, beautifully written horror/thriller story with some genuinely horrifying moments. The gripping opening scene grabs your attention by the neck. It’s shocking and surprising, but it still feels incredibly real… The sense of imagination will set this story apart from so many others.
Let me know if I can send Flint Hill to you. Thanks for your time and consideration.
Best regards,
Liz Yanders
Credentials: My screenplays, Flint Hill along with The Widow’s Watch, have won honors in notable screenwriting contests. My poems and short stories are published in anthologies, and I occasionally write movie reviews for an online site.
(Contact Info)
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Hi Elizabeth:
What a great concept. And your creds for it are really great.
I would change up your first sentence a bit. Saying she’s a murderous spirit assumes she is already dead, so your last phrase is repetitive.
I have to say I love that the little sister thinks she’s magic. A little sister would! Of course she would.
I would break out the first sentence of the second paragraph into its own paragraph. The same with the third paragraph. This way if a producer just reads those sentences as she scans the letter, they’ll tell enough of the story to interest them.
That’s it. Hope it helps.
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Thank you, Deborah. I will ponder your suggestions. Interesting thought about making the first sentence of a paragraph stand alone. Hmmm. Should I or shouldn’t I? I’ll get to yours within the next few days. Working my way through them.
Update, Ok, instead of the first line, I need the logline. Wow, that’s a big mistake. Glad you saw something was off with that. Thanks!
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Hi Elizabeth: Separating out the first sentence to make an impact is how Hal taught us in the Binge Worthy class. This is what he calls the hooks. Not sure why he didn’t mention it here. Anyway, take what you want, eject the rest! Good luck!
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Thank you for letting me know. Liz
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Hi Liz,
Supernatural & such is out of my zone. So my comments are likely useless on the genre. So I won’t make any on it!
However, YOUR credentials are superb and all the Flint Hill scores! Is there a way to tighten it all up and put your bio/status near the top (at “Written by”)? My thinking is you may hit a producer not necessarily into the sub-genre of supernatural, but loves thrillers. The logline may lose some (like me). But knowing your bio first, I’d read through it all.
Congrats & continued success.
Jeff
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I went ahead and put the Screenwriting Contest info at the top, and I’ll put Contest Winner in the Re: line of the email. Instead of listing genre, etc., I included it in a sentence. Thanks, Jeff, And thanks for the book recommendations.
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Yikes! Even your query is scary! The best part is that the query is meaty with no “fake” scares – Stephen King-ish with its solid storyline (that’s the guy who ruined horror movies for me — no sleep afterwards).
The credentials are amazing, but if I had to cut, I’d cut a little from there. I think the reader score is impressive and I’d keep the contests, but maybe not the reader comments… Just because you have enough and it’s clear that you’re an excellent writer and you can have confidence that it comes through.
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Wow great to be likened to Stephen King, but I have to give him some credit. My daughter and I were missing my son who had just left for college. So we slept in his room. It was after the Paranormal movie came out, and I kept opening my eyes to see if I could catch something moving around. LOL Well, I knew there were several Stephen King books in my son’s room, and that bothered me too. Anyway, that night I dreamt about the Abigail in my script. Didn’t see much of her, just her toes beneath a white nightgown. That was the beginning of my Flint Hill series.
I’ve since studied King’s writing, and his sentence structure. Gotta learn from the best. Thanks for your help.
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Guil’s query letter critique from; Karen Crider
Hi, I like your letter. It flows well. It’s concise with a lot of white space. I don’t see any miss-spellings or typos. All the needed info is there: except, I don’t see a logline or a pitch. Your opening line is okay. But I think it could stand a vitamin. Something to give it some oooph!
The reasoning /motivation behind Harold kidnapping the producer is rather vague. There must have been other choices. Easier ones. Why does he chose this one? How does it benefit him? Is the producer rich? Is his family rich? Does he hold his mouth right?
You say this is a contained script with five people. It seems more like a buddy play. And I’m not sure who I should be following. I’m sure both characters are interesting. But which one takes the cake in interesting? Which one has the sweetest frosting?
I like the twist where the producer dies and they are left in a quandary. I would say it does implicate both of them. Definitely, not a maybe situation. I would change the wording to reflect that.
The unlikely duo are now forced to work together to elude a cunning detective. I would delete—it’s a self-serving engagement—self-serving refers to only serving one person. This is also rather leggy writing. Try cutting and revising.
Keep going. It’s an interesting screenplay. I wish you lots of luck with it.
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Philip’s Draft 2
Title: Watch Out For Drop Bears!
Written by Philip Huber
Genre: Buddy Comedy
Would you travel 10,000 miles in search of a hoax animal?
Ben and Owen do. And they’re zoologists! Though inept ones, and they’re escaping Regina, their ball-crushing boss who happens to be the girl Owen pranked in college and Ben’s ex-girlfriend.
And the hoax animal?
A Drop Bear is an evil, but still cute, 120 lb koala with fangs that supposedly preys on tourists in the Australian Outback. The Aussies are such kidders. As the Boys learn when they arrive in Sydney.
But maybe the Aussies shouldn’t be so smug.
When there’s a toxic uranium spill in prime Drop Bear habitat and reports of growling in the night, the sparring BFFs renew their quest for the elusive killer koala, and the fame, fortune, and groupies that inevitably await.
If you like the concept of Watch Out For Drop Bears!, I’d be delighted to send you the script.
Bio: I’ve co-produced a feature film (Turnover) and written and produced two short films (A Screenplay About Something and Lachlan Runs Free).
This story is based around the real-life Drop Bear gag the Aussies use to fool gullible tourists; including me and my compatriots.
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Hi Gordon,
This sounds like a compelling true action story for sure. The opening hook though does come across to me like a fairly standard situation for an action movie.
What I think could do with some more emphasis is focus on the characters. Who is the protagonist for example? What is the developing culture of the Legion. They are mercenaries – so who/what are they really fighting for?
Hope this assists
Best regards
Philip
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Stephen Dexter’s Query Letter – Draft ONE
What I learned doing this assignment is don’t overload your reader. Make the letter lean. Hook your reader by telling them just enough so they’ll want to hear more.
Dear Producer:
Could you ever break your promise to a stray dog you rescued, who has now adopted you, knowing if you did, the dog would probably be put down?
That’s the question at the heart of my family-friendly script, Laredo.
And that’s what Wes Coleman must ask himself. After the old, scraggly mutt he rescues from certain death, finds proof of his girlfriend’s infidelity, Wes promises to find him a good home and never place him in a shelter.
Wes, a washed-up TV pitchman at the ripe old age of 31, is about to get his big break – the leading role in an action-adventure movie… a two-month long shoot in Hawaii… starting next week.
The problem is nobody wants to adopt the dog because he misbehaves every time a possible owner comes by.
And Wes knows an old dog in a shelter will more than likely be put down.
Will he break his promise for fame and fortune?
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Best regards,
Stephen Dexter
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Best idea ever! But, you totally had me with, “Can an old dog teach you new tricks?” I loved that. I like some elements of this and some elements of your previous drafts. Maybe it was from the pitch…? I think this could read a bit more smoothly and show a little more of the dog’s personality, but I’d want to read this script anyway. Dog movies make tons of money, there aren’t enough family-friendly movies out there, and this is a good idea with lovable characters. If there’s any way to add in a holiday theme, you could really sell this.
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Hi Cara,
Thanks for your great feedback. I love your holiday hook idea. Thinking maybe Wes flies back to Los Angeles the day before Christmas to rescue Laredo. And the second to last scene will be Wes spending Christmas at Emily’s house with Jack, Amber and Electra. Reminds me of the last scene in the movie, About A Boy. And then the final scene is the movie premiere, which takes place a few years later. I’d be happy to share my script and I welcome your notes.
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John’s Query Letter Draft ONE
What I hope to learn…. I will take any and all criticism. I am here to learn and I’m treating this opportunity as if a producer gave me notes on my script. I will not get angry or upset. So, have at it. Besides, I have two tubs of ice cream in the freezer, lol.
Dear Producer,
Title: Potty Mouths
Genre: Comedy
Imagine an R-rated version of “Look Who’s Talking.”
As the moms leave for a bachelorette party, we hear the curse-filled thoughts of two infants, Billy and Abby, as they are left with their inexperienced dads, Michael and David, for five days.
After never being alone with his son longer than a couple of hours, Michael develops fear and anxiety prior to the task ahead. David, on the other hand, tries to install a stricter brand of parenting to Abby but she’s accustom to her mother’s easy-going ways.
Making things more complicated, Michael’s father, who he hasn’t talked to for some time, comes to help. Later, we find out it was Michael’s wife, Sarah, who called him over to help creating tension between the couple. Also, Michael’s friend, Charlie, continues pressuring Michael to reminisce the old days and party with him in Sarah’s absence. It eventually comes to a turning point when Charlie puts Billy in an unorthodox situation potentially altering Michael’s and Charlie’s friendship forever.
It all boils down to Michael and David taking control of fatherhood and giving it their own unique touch.
If you like my concept, I’d be happy to send you a copy of my script.
John Vanis
(Contact info)
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John, I like it. And there’s an audience for this film. Boiling this pitch down to the essence of the story would help a lot. For me, it rambles. Try looking it over and rather than trying to tell most of the story, ask yourself — what do I really need to say for them to get the big picture of the story. Will look for your second draft.
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Phyllis, thank you for taking your time to read my letter. I appreciate the comments! Time to go back and make the right adjustments.
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The title is super! And I can easily see all these characters in their comedic dilemmas.
I was confused about the two babies talking. Do they narrate the movie or do we see the film from their perspective or something like that? They are mentioned early in the query but aren’t really revisited. That’s fine, but maybe make the role of their “potty mouths” in the film more clear.
I assume these two families have their own houses, but it’s kind of hard to pull out what’s happening to whom. Maybe you can better divide the paragraphs.
I also wasn’t sure why Sarah would call Michael’s dad to create tension between the couple. Does she want out of the marriage?
Micheal gets a lot more attention in the query, but I’d like to know a little more about David (if they are equal parts) and a little less about Michael.
This story has all the elements for a great film!
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Cara, thank you very much for your comments! I appreciate the positive feedback as well as the suggestions to improve it.
The babies are not narrating the movie. We hear a voiceover of their thoughts.
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John, was a clever concept. I’d make sure that you clearly define how it stands out from the other films with a similar concept and “lay down those hooks” clearly, removing all the excess and editorializing. Bring the producer reading your query right smack into your script/movie. I highly suggest you show the producer that you can write comedy by the way you write your synopsis. Make sure they’re laughing just by reading it. Accomplish that and those “send us your script”s can mount up.
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Andrea’s Query – Draft 1
What I learned–a half page constraint really makes you cut to the chase.
Dear ________
A ruthless scientist and extremist wants to get his hands on a baby sea dragon; the only problem…an eleven year old boy just escaped with it.
DANIEL AND THE SEA DRAGON is a family feature that brings the classic struggle of David vs. Goliath to the present day. This battle of good and evil pits a young awkward boy against a seemingly more powerful enemy: a ruthless scientist and extremist.
Why would an extremist want a sea dragon? Because embedded in the sea dragon’s DNA is a genetic marker that is the key to his greatest scientific discovery: a serum that will alter the human capacity to feel love.
But it turns out…the boy has a trick or two up his sleeve.
DANIEL AND THE SEA DRAGON
Family / Action / 113 pages
The one-sheet is available upon request. Thank you.
Sincerely,
…
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Andrea, I think you nailed it. Great work. Just two suggestions. Cut “young” before awkward boy and “Because” to start your question. For me, it reads better without those two words.
Short and sweet. Brava!
Your comments on other’s queries are terrific.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Phyllis MacBryde.
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Thanks so much Phyllis. You’re right about cutting those two things. And thanks for your kind words on comments to others. I have admired your feedback as well.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Andrea Higgins.
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I’d love to see the one sheet. Good family movies are sought after. You can score with this project.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Andrea you’re a wizard. I love what you did with the tag line and the text in the body of the pitch. I like it better than what I wrote and I’m going to use it. However, “Zinzi,” an earlier script was the Nicholl Fellowship finalist — the story of an African child coming of age in the dazzling jazz world of post WWII Harlem. “Creating Zinzi” is about a playwright taking her Broadway actors to Africa to workshop the musical to the horror and astonishment of the Black Broadway producer who funded it. While working on the musical is the backdrop, the story is about the women’s journey and what they learn about themselves in the process. That’s why I like the way you rephrased the tag line. I think maybe I should drop the “Zinzi” title from my credits because it seems to be confusing everyone.
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I have three little kids, so all I watch are kids’ movies. I’m so happy to have a new one to consider!
I had to read “ruthless scientist and extremist” twice to understand that they were one person. Could it maybe be something like this instead?
A ruthless and extreme scientist wants to get his hands on a baby sea dragon.
The only problem… an eleven-year-old boy just escaped with it!
I don’t think you have to say “young” awkward boy… all boys are young and we know he’s 11.
I love that the serum will alter the capacity to feel love. This sounds like a major theme of the movie and I could use just a little more… but maybe that’s the hook I need to request the script. Anyway, wonderful concept.
I’m curious why you deviated from the class format of Title:/Genre:. And why do you state the title twice, and in capitals? Unless you have a specific reason, I’d just stick with the class format. Seems like a producer might want to make sure she’s reading in her genre right from the get-go.
Also, I’d rather know the target audience over the number of pages of the script. Is it for little kids, teens, the whole family? It sounds like a little kids’ movie but you never know with a ruthless, extreme scientist.
Also, why do you offer a one-sheet and not the whole script? If the script isn’t finished, then I understand, but otherwise it seems to lack confidence that the script is amazing and that they NEED to make this movie!
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Thanks so much for your feedback, Cara. It’s helpful to hear a mother’s perspective! I’m glad that you liked idea about the serum and love—I think stories about love resonate powerfully with kids (and moms too).
It’s geared toward middle school and up. There are a few scary moments, but as in fairy tales, these moments trigger growth for the protagonist, which in turn allows a child to process their own feelings through the protagonist. People who have read early drafts liken it to ET in tone. I hope by the time I get to the final draft, it will have the same kind of 4 Quadrant appeal.
I’ll take another look at the wording of “scientist and extremist,” and Phyllis also mentioned taking out “young,” so that’s a done deal.
Why did I capitalize the title? I’ve seen other writers further along in the industry than I do this quite often. (And I rather like it, for I think it makes the title pop.) But it would be nice to confirm if this really is standard industry practice.
I wasn’t particularly intending to deviate from the suggested format. I was just trying to focus on the hook creating momentum that would carry the reader into the letter. I thought it flowed better, but I realize here on the forum it does look weird. In my word processing document, the project information at the bottom (title, genre, etc) was formatted to set it apart, not to look like a continuation of the body of the letter. Anyway, these things are easy to change, as long as the hook and description leaves them wanting more.
Regarding the one page, I have been told that offering a one page can be a useful strategy. Especially if you do not have a referral from someone in the industry. But yes, it would be great to get an immediate request for the script. Fingers crossed.
Thanks so much again! I will give all your comments much thought as I move forward. And again…I wish you much success with your screenplay! It sounds like a gem.
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Hi Andrea,
Thanks for the great notes! I agree and have already used them.
Your letter is strong but I have a couple of thoughts. You use “ruthless” and “extreme” twice in this short letter. I suggest using alternate terms the second time. Here are a few ideas: crazy, fanatic, rabid, radical, violent – or – callous, cold-blooded, heartless, soulless, stony.
The only other issue is you might think about losing “seemingly more.” I realize why you are saying this, but it is a family movie. Most villains are only seemingly more powerful, and our hero usually outsmarts them in the end.
Again, the letter is already great! I’d love to read the script if you wouldn’t mind.
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Hi Thomas,
So glad if my comments were of help to you.
I really appreciate your encouragement and suggestions. I think I agree and will implement a couple of tweaks.
Regarding reading: I’m doing some revisions right now in the script, but happy for feedback when that’s all done. And thanks again. It’s so nice to know that I’ve got a query that seems to be working.
Best,
Andrea
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Andrea, I like your concept and it sounds like the makings for a charming and touching and entertaining film. I suggest you put the boy up front more. You might even want to have him in the beginning of your logline since, I assume, he is your wonderful hero. An eleven year boy (and then throw in at least one adjective so we know what kind of kid he is) steals… etc., etc. You want us to “fall in love” with this kid, so I suggest lead with him. I want to know more right away WHY he stole the sea dragon. Does he have a fascination with sea dragons the same way the kid does have with penguins in ATYPICAL? i want to sense who this kid is much more. Tricks are great, but who is he?
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Lonnie’s Query Draft #2
What I learned: Provide plenty of hooks and provide the ending. The challenge is to squeeze the best hooks in a short letter, but still tell the essence of the story. I ask myself: If I were a producer, would this interest me?
Dear {Producer} I enjoyed reading your wide variety of genres on IMBDPro, and I believe you would like my latest work, “Elevator Down”:
Title: ELEVATOR DOWN
Genre: Sci-fi/Suspense
Concept: A kidnapped boy struggles to escape an underground cult of shape-shifting reptoids who kidnap and clone world leaders, then send them to the surface to take control of world governments and economies.
Ben Shaeffer, a fragile 9-year-old, is witness to a jetliner hijacking. He is immediately kidnapped and held in a deep, underground cell by shape-shifting, powerful reptoids.
The evil leader, Adronis, wants him eliminated.
Meanwhile, in a Washington D.C. hotel, his frantic parents suddenly receive eerie messages on their TV, letting them know their son is alive. Who sent these messages? And, where is he?
But Adronis’ female partner in crime, Aurora, is endeared by Ben and his love for his family. She cannot kill him and drops hints with codes for the one, single escape route to the surface: the Elevator!
Does Ben get the hints? He gets part of the way. He sends up his mobile phone with explicit pictures of the underground complex, along with voice recordings of the reptoids’ evil agenda and how they will carry it out… in Washington, Rome, and London.
The Secret Service, FBI, and Washington P.D. team up to flood the complex with water, flushing out all the reptoids. Ben has magically got himself and the other prisoners out.
In the end, the jailed and dying Aurora relinquishes all of her powers of healing and more to little Ben.
BRIEF BIO: Published fiction and non-fiction author, Master’s degree: George Washington U.
If my concept intrigues you, I’ll be happy to send you a copy of my script.
Regards, Lonnie Joseph Nichols
Ph: 520-282-1294
Email: ljenterprises77@gmail.com Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/l-joseph-nichols-4718b61b4/
This reply was modified 17 hours, 45 minutes ago by
Lonnie Nichols.-
This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Lonnie Nichols.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Guil’s Query Letter
Draft TWO:
Title: The Filmmaker’s Revenge or The Dreammaker’s Revenge (TBD)
Written by: Guil Parreiras
Genre: Crime / Drama
Logline: A jaded screenwriter with a mean streak, a desperate director, a shark producer with a past, and a gullible porn actor are woven into a tale of kidnapping, betrayal and murder.
A movie-obsessed screenwriter, Harold, and his director, Travis, invested all their savings on an indie feature which led to no distribution deal. Broke and desperate, Travis directs a porn flick while Harold’s only hope is a screenwriting assignment, but Valenti, the hiring producer, turns him down. In a fit of rage, Harold abducts Valenti… for revenge!
Such reckless action sets Harold and Travis against each other. Should they let Valenti go? What if he calls the cops? An altercation between the filmmakers leads to Travis’s accidental death and it becomes a point of no return which may implicate both Harold and Valenti.
The unlikely duo are now forced to work together to elude a cunning detective — it’s a self-serving engagement for the sake of survival! As the detective closes in on them, Harold and Valenti turn on each other. The question remains: who will outwit who and who will evade the law?
This is a contained screenplay with five actors, two interior locations, and some exterior pick-ups. Can be very inexpensive to make!
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script. Thank you.
Bio:
Contact Info:
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Hi Guil,
I am a little behind in the assignments so just came upon your Query 2. Here are a few thoughts—hope they help, and only take them to heart if they do.
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I’m trying to get a handle on the tone here. This may be completely off-point, but I found myself thinking about the SNATCHING SINATRA podcast. I won’t try to explain that plot now, except to say that that story could almost be a dark comedy of errors if it wasn’t real. The somewhat convoluted nature of your character’s logic and actions remind me of the logic of the guy the podcast is about.
2
If you want to keep the logline close to what it is, I’d recommend tweaking it so you have parallel construction throughout—as in take out the “with” or give everyone a “with.”
But it almost seems like the logline is a general statement about generic types, rather than the specific characters we’ll meet in your story. This is just a quick example that came to mind:
With their dreams of conquering Hollywood crumbling, a filmmaking team devolves into a string of bad choices that leads to the death of one at the hands of the other(s).
This might better relate to the hook, which I’m guessing might lie embedded in how they are going to evade the law?
I wish you well with your project! Best, Andrea
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I found myself re-reading the log line. As Andrea pointed out — you need another ‘with’ or lose all three. I’m not sure if it’s Harold or Travis who is driving the action, but if this is a story of revenge, I also like a version of what Andrea suggests.
The fact that a contained film and the way you describe it can be done inexpensively is implicit. You’ve got plenty of screenwriting credibility. A lot of industry people would enjoy seeing this film get made!
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To: Cara/Imitation of a Poet:
Hi Cara, I am a poet, somewhat published; I’m not an expert, but I will attempt to answer your first question: what does famous poetry require? I believe it’s excellence that surpasses time. Every masterpiece seems to embody that characteristic.
I think overall your letter is good. Your subject is fascinating, but I believe it could be more focused: For a fragile poet struggling with identity, just about describes most poets I’m familiar with. How is this one different? Special? Powerful? Enough to knock a publisher’s socks off. Something we all struggle with. Is this just a general overview of his life, kind of like Shakespeare in love? It reminds me of that script. Except, the Shakespeare script was more focused on his writer’s block and continued from there. Also, you have more than two genres. You probably need to focus on less.
There is a lot of interest in Rilke even today. I have read a little of his work and he’s amazing. But Rilke has no serious problem to solve; no writer’s block. He just had to get rid of some friends. No obvious antag. It’s a little juicy and that seems to be a must for scripts nowadays. But I sense there’s no focus, other than he’s some guy with a fragile constitution. So, with my limited view of biographies that is what I came up with. Is this how bio’s are written– a generalization of a life? Are they typical of the movie called, Genius, about the famous editor, Perkins who edited for Hemmingway? If so, this fit. But that movie made me cry. Does yours? If it has to be larger than life, combining the two artists gives your script more intellectual/ emotional heft, and that’s good. Just some food for thought. I had written you another critique, but the computer had it for lunch. You’re probably thinking it’s too bad this one wasn’t ate for supper. Lol. I try to be honest. A writer can only write to the level of his or her experience. I hope my experience lends some insight in how I viewed it. Thank you for your input on my script.
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Mark Abel’s Query Letter Draft ONE
What I learned doing this assignment is…
[n/a]
Title: ESCAPEGOAT
Genre: Thriller
Dear Development Executive,
What if the world’s greatest escape artist met inescapable circumstances?
Exiled to military service at a remote outpost following the death of his entire audience in a theater fire, reckless illusionist Felix Fleming’s convoy suffers an attack by Tuareg smugglers that strands him in the desert.
After a fortnight of ambling through hell, he rejects his name and finds rescue at a secret oasis known as Zerzura, only to discover a power-mad sultan has enslaved its people to a crude gold mining operation.
Now Felix must confront his past and reclaim his identity to liberate the slaves before the sultan closes in…
Constant misdirection. Questionable allies. His own blinding guilt. This escape is going to require far more than magic.
If you’d like to have a look at the complete script, please let me know. Many thanks for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Mark Abel
(XXX)XXX-XXXX
BIO: Mark Abel’s scripts placed in the top 15% of both the Austin and Nicholl screenwriting contests for the past two years and he has first-hand experience failing as a magician.
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Mark, I like it! Could you clarify “rejects his name”? It made me wonder.
Congrats on your contest placements. It must be a damn good script.
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Thanks for the feedback, Phyllis! I agree — a bit too general. Will adjust. Much appreciated!
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Mark, I like your concept and the irony of an escape artist in an inescapable situation. Is there a way to say that without it being so on the nose? Is there a title that embodies your story more (even though it’s a cleverly created one)? Sometimes we can be so clever that we miss the mark. Why is it so important for your hero to rescue these men? Can you be more specific about the “hell” he goes through? I’m not clear about the identity that he has to reclaim. I’m not sensing what his backstory is about or why I should be caring about him and what he’s up against. How does this event transform him? What is his tragic flaw that he must face and change within him? Can you deepen the idea of “escape” and incorporate it into your major THEME?
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Stephen Maynard’s – Query Letter Draft TWO
What I learned doing this one is that attempting to get all the good stuff in, this letter grows long. “It shall to the barber’s, with your beard.—“
My conclusion is that one needs only to present the MAIN HOOK, the one that reflects the High Concept. That’s what they want to see, The HOOK that sells the movie. If you don’t have that, a mini hook on every page won’t cut it.
Thank you to those who helped with this draft. I wish there was time to comment on each one of your inspirational letters and the tantalizing prospects they offer to producers for the screenplays they represent.
Stephen F Maynard
October 21, 2021
Alberta Epstein
Producer
Horror Galore Productions
186 Sunset Boulevard
Beverly Hills CA 90211
Dear Ms. Epstein:
Tails he wins, heads they lose.
I just finished polishing PANDORA’S OTHER BOX, a HORROR romp about CONRAD, a flat broke sexually frustrated slacker cheating his way through college. His fortune takes a turn when he murders his molecular biology professor to steal genetically modified WORMS that transmogrify old ladies into gorgeous young submissive women.
The real HORROR is that once wormed, each old woman passes through a larva stage as a terrible LAMPREY HUMANOID who surrenders her assets and devours her husband’s head in exchange for tenuous youth before submitting to Conrad.
Conrad makes Chucky and Iago look like altar boys as he moves from rags to riches, slacker to a man obsessed and frustrated to sexually satiated. His narcissism, greed, and newfound skills of manipulation drive the diabolical killer down a path of madness on this journey that resonates with themes that include man’s impulse to control nature, morality, values, and ethics.
It ends happily when Conrad is dispatched and the hero rescues his girl from a terrible fate. On a celebratory night cruise on the hero’s boat, they watch in horror as worms harvested from Conrad’s worm farm are chummed, spawning HORRIFYING NEW SEA CREATURES.
If you like the concept, I’d love to send you the script.
Very truly yours,
Steve
Pandora 86 Redemption Way Las Vegas NV 89118 ( 702 362-2632
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Stephen, this reads much better than your first draft. I strongly advise you to replace old ladies with elderly women if you’re writing Albertina. I’m not the only female who has said this to you. Also, I STRONGLY ADVISE not to use ALL CAPS for CERTAIN WORDS. To a reader, it makes NO SENSE. Otherwise, it flows pretty nicely. Much improved.
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Dear Producer,
Title: Scarred for Life
Genre: Thriller
Synopsis: Revenge is a dish best served cold. Terrorists killed her three best friends, now it’s their turn.
Cindy returns from a tour of duty in Afghanistan with horrendous scars caused by a terrorist attack that killed her 3 best buddies. To forget the hell she’s been through, she goes on a Mediterranean cruise. Because of her scars, she is scorned by other passengers, so she retreats to her cabin. That’s where she is when, off the coast of Libya, terrorists seize the vessel and immediately kill over 100 passengers.
The woman they scorned is now the only hope for the surviving passengers.
Cindy emerges from her cabin to take on the terrorists. One by one, she takes them out. The job is made harder when she discovers the 2<sup>nd</sup> Mate is part of the plot. But he and the last two terrorists left standing, end up facing Cindy’s one-woman firing squad. Remembering the fate of her three friends, she shoots each terrorist dead and their bodies are thrown overboard. The passengers cheer. When the ship docks, the 500 surviving passengers disembark. But as the corpses of the 100 or so dead passengers are taken off, Spanish police come aboard to arrest Cindy. She leaves the ship handcuffed. The charge: violating the terrorists’ human rights.
Cindy has left the real world where people kill and get killed and returned to the fantasy word of human rights lawyers.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Yours,
PM
Bio: In 2019 I was finalist in an international screenwriting contest.
Contact: email / cell phone / address
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Cara’s Query Letter – Draft TWO
What I learned in this assignment is that people give great suggestions! I also decided I will add a bio as to not come off as a hermit that only reads poetry, or worse, as a fan of celebrity tattoos. I still need more time to find the right answers to all the suggestions, particularly those about the ending hook. In most of the comments, people wanted more depth or explanation. I tried to address the comments but was also struggling to leave “white space” on the page. Thank you to all who commented! This is still a work-in-progress.
**I apologize if I didn’t reply to your query. All three of my little kids got sick mid-week and I’m still working remotely.
Title: Imitation of a Poet
Written by Cara
Genre: Drama/True Story (Public Domain)
Obsession nearly killed the fragile poet, Rilke. Letting go made him legendary.
Mourning a lost daughter, Rilke’s mother dressed him as a girl to perform his poetry in local shows. Now a young man struggling with his identity, he has finally found both mad love and a muse in the married seductress, Lou Andreas-Salomé. But after the couple has several encounters with her distinguished intellectual circles in Russia, she realizes that his poetry is mediocre and abruptly ends the affair.
Heartbroken, he embarks on a lifelong mission to write poetry worthy of her love and respect!
Instead, he finds nothing but closed professional doors. Finding welcome only at a student’s art commune in Germany, he quickly marries a young sculptress. Still in love with Andreas-Salomé, he uses his new wife’s connections to procure an assignment to write a monograph on the revolutionary sculptor, Auguste Rodin, and leaves his new family for Paris.
Rilke quickly becomes enchanted with Rodin and attempts to emulate his artistic philosophies in his own work. As his poetry and connections improve, he is finally able to rekindle his affair with Andreas-Salomé. But, Rilke begins to realize that Rodin has a way of burning those closest to him… and that soon includes Rilke.
After a final visit from Andreas-Salome, Rilke must come to terms with the realities of his artistic dependencies. As his health deteriorates, there’s only one choice – abandon his obsessive relationships.
(Ending Hook TBD) Alone in Italy, Rilke is at last able to write his inspired poetry that is truly inspiring.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
BIO: I’m a broadcast news writer and journalist with over a decade of experience. I’ve produced work for CNN, The Wall Street Journal, KCRW (SoCal NPR), The Moscow Times, Medium, and others. [Added for international producers] I have an MA in International Relations from Columbia University and lived in Russia for seven years a few doors from Andreas-Salome’s childhood residence.
Contact Info
**For the ending hook, I can either stick to his true story of “voices of angels” helping him to write his most acclaimed poetry, or deviate from the truth to find a storyline easier to grasp. The script is currently true to his life and ends with his mentorship of a new lover’s son – the painter, Balthus – both the new lover and her son are obsessed with HIM. He never stopped loving Andreas-Salomé – from afar. And they remained “together-ish” via correspondence his entire life, which was short.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by cara star.
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I think your second draft is a vast improvement over the first. There is more of a sense of cause and effect to the flow of the story.
Does his identity crisis have anything to do with being named “Maria”?
I am still unclear where the “drama” comes from. What is stopping Rilke from becoming a great poet? Does great poetry require a muse for it to be made conceptually clear? Was his wife not his muse? If not, why did he marry her?
Perhaps you would like to conclude with this quote, which has great resonance in Canada,
“Love consists of this: two solitudes that meet, protect and greet each other. ”
Good luck with your project.
Gordon Roback
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Phyllis MacBryde – Query Letter Draft TWO
What I learned…is the value of feedback from my peers. Thanks to each of you for your comments that enabled me to hone my query to accurately reflect what the story is.
Dear Producer,
Creating Zinzi tells the cultural awakening story of a White Playwright and a Black Broadway Producer as they workshop an American musical in Africa and search for a child to play the title role, “Zinzi.”
It is a character-driven drama written with Sally Field and Alfre Woodard in mind.
Socially relevant themes — racism, sexism, ageism, and the value of arts education — occur naturally in the story as the pair collaborate with indigenous artists and navigate clashing cultures and real-life perils to ensure the authenticity of the show’s music, song, and dance. This leads to a spiritual awakening as the women come to the shocking realization that the Ancestor Spirits wield a hand in the musical’s fate.
My writing credits include: Nicholl Fellowship Finalist, William Wisdom – William Faulkner top five finalist for Zinzi, a novel, Kaufman Award for Zinzi the Musical (seen in snippets in the screenplay). I’m a produced playwright and a member of The Broadway League. An early draft of Creating Zinzi was a Page Quarter-Finalist and I’ve recently returned from shooting the proof-of-concept in South Africa.
I look forward to hearing from you.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Phyllis MacBryde.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Phyllis MacBryde.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Phyllis MacBryde.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Phyllis MacBryde.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Phyllis MacBryde.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Phyllis MacBryde.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Phyllis MacBryde.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Phyllis MacBryde.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Phyllis MacBryde.
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Hello Phyllis,
I wonder if you could do something to make the story more pressing to the reader.
“Sometimes it is possible to do the impossible It just takes hard work, luck and a mysterious missing ingredient.”
If you word the query letter in such a way that the producers have to overcome impossible odds to get their production made it may have more impact and generate more interest.
As I read both your query letters I asked myself, “Why should I care?” I think your query letter would have more impact if you gave the reader a reason to care about your story.
I hope my comment is of help.
Best of luck,
Gordon Roback
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Thanks so much, Gordon. I continue to tweak it.
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In theory Phyllis, your query letter should be the easiest to write because EVERY producer has to struggle to get their project made.
They told us at USC film school that in every other field of endeavor the question for the moneymen and producers is “What happens IF things go wrong” In the film business (the industry) the question is “What happens WHEN things go wrong because in film things always go wrong.
Why is it so important for the two producers to make their story in Africa? And what goes wrong as they are trying to get it made?
From the awards your script has won it should sell itself once you entice producers to read the script.
Good luck with your project.
Gordon
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Thanks for raising those questions. I’m not sure I can do it in the query, but I certainly will include answer them in a longer synopsis. You made good points.
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I like it. You give them the BIG HOOK that sells the story keeping it short and tight.
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Thanks, Steve. In a few weeks, I’d like your feedback on marketing materials I’m putting together. Is it OK if I send you an email with a link?
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Hi Phyllis…I am a little behind and you got your second draft up before I could comment on the first. I think it’s improved, but I’ve made a few suggested tweaks below. Hope it helps:
Dear Producer,
The journeys we take and the friends we make define who we are.
CREATING ZINI, a Nicholl Fellowship finalist, is a character-driven drama written with Sally Field and Alfre Woodard in mind. It tells the story of an American playwright and a South African producer as they workshop a Broadway musical in Africa, and search for a child to play the title character, “Zinzi.”.
Socially relevant themes — racism, sexism, ageism, and the value of arts education — are woven throughout the story as the pair collaborate with indigenous artists, and navigate clashing cultures and real-life perils to ensure the authenticity of the shows music, song, and dance. This leads to a cultural and spiritual awaking as the women come to the shocking realization that Ancestor Spirits wield a hand in their musical’s fate.
The novel (on which the screenplay is based) was a finalist for William Wisdom; the musical has received the Kaufman Award. I’m a produced playwright and a member of The Broadway League, and recently returned from shooting the proof-of-concept in South Africa.
If the concept has captured your imagination, I’d be happy to send you the screenplay. [If you have a trailer for the film, perhaps also offer to send a link.]
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Hi Phyllis,
I’ve read and re-read your letter and it is great. The opening hook is my only question. Though it pulls you in, I’m not sure it’s as strong as what you deliver below it.
I always like a play on a known expression, that reflects your idea, and compels finding out what that may mean. Your leads travel to Africa to authenticate and develop their play but find it enlightens them in a much deeper, spiritual way.
Maybe I’m way off, but here’s a thought: the old saying –
Life is a journey, not a destination – to –
Sometimes the destination defines the journey!
I would love to read your script, if that’s okay. Thanks again for your invaluable support!
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Oh, I like that. Sometimes the destination defines the journey. I’m going to try that on.
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Hi Phyllis,
I just read a list of Ten Query Letter No-Nos from The Complete Handbook of Novel Writing. From page 332, #9 on the list… “Letters that start with a nugget of wisdom: ‘Every step we take in life moves us in a direction.'”
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Thanks, Jeff. I like what Thomas suggested: “Sometimes the destination defines the journey.” It might serve well under the current title, Creating Zinzi, which needs a tag line. Whad’ya think?
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Isn’t that just a spin on an Emerson quote? I wouldn’t use it.
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Jeff, you’re right. I deleted it. Not Emerson’s quote, but a lot of others wrote something similar.
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Much easier to read now. Questions… (1) “Black Broadway” is capitalized and is second in the opening sentence, while “white playwright” is first and not capitalized. Why is that? (2) My understanding is that Black Broadway was an area in DC over a 100 years ago. I had the feeling this story is current?
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Jeff, I see how the use of Black Broadway could be confusing. It would be much clearer to say a white playwright and a black Broadway producer, which I did initially. However, it has become standard practice for writers to capitalize Black to indicate an ethnic group. Same is true for Native Americans. After thinking about it for while, I’m making the change to White Playwright, Black Broadway Producer, and Ancestor Spirits, so all are given equal weight.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Phyllis MacBryde.
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But why did you put a capital on Playwright, Producer and Ancestor Spirits? And should it be “ancestral spirits” or “ancestor spirits”? I could see a capital if it’s “Indigenous or Native spirits” (especially here in Canada).
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Jeff, no matter which initial caps I use or don’t use, something always seems off. I really appreciate your pointing the inconsistency out to me. One of the great values of this course is it has made me question each and every word I have written and how it lands with a reader. Thank you so much.
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You’re welcome Phyllis. Do you mind reading my #2 (immediately below)? People were kind to comment on my #1, perhaps as I was first out-of-the-gate and prime for slaughter! But no one has commented on my #2.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Liz, I’m not sure if this is your first or second query, but I like it. However, institutionalize him again, made me go back to see what I’d missed. And I don’t think you should try to take time to explain it. The shorter the read, the better. For me, cutting the second paragraph would make it concise and compelling and still tell the basic story. Making the sentences shorter would strengthen the read:
Evan hopes this move will be different (love this). Maybe he won’t be bullied at school. Maybe his Dad will keep his job. There’s a bigger problem. Abigail, a lonely dead girl, lives in his backyard. She wants love — which means his family. His mother doesn’t believe she exists. His little sister thinks she’s magic. He’ll have to stop her on his own.
Abigail has a supernatural arsenal. dead “pet” to kill him. When one of her “human pets” kills his mother, Evan must get the rest of his family off Flint Hill before they become hers forever.
Credentials: My screenplays, Flint Hill, and The Widows Watch, have won honors in notable screenwriting competitions.
Then I suggest, you put the two really great quotes beneath.
Hope this helps.
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What I learned… Lots of great ideas, comments and input in this section. Thanks to all.
Dear Producer:
I just finished THE BEST PAINKILLER, a Crime Thriller about a Canadian anesthesiologist who kills more than surgical pain.
Synopsis:
A doctor and his wife obtain legal custody of their infant grandson due to their daughter’s drug abuse. When the doctor learns his grandson needs experimental life-saving treatment not covered by health plans, he unwittingly lists his heirloom boat with a drug-smuggling broker.
Fully aware that a child’s life is at stake, the broker sells the boat and keeps the money.
Appeals to authorities fail, and his daughter’s and grandson’s situations decline, so the doctor takes matters into his own hands. He confronts criminals on their turf and dispenses his own kind of medicine.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Jeff Bryce
(contact info)Bio: Jeff is a published landscape photographer and writer, and his screenplays place in current contests.
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Jeff, it’s good. It’s clear, concise and well written. Whenever I can, I like to use short sentences when for pacing. It might add punch to your final paragraph if you make one long sentence four: Appeals to authority fail. His daughter’s and grandson’s situations decline. The doctor takes matters into his own hands. That would be my one suggestion.
My other suggestion is take time to know who something about the person you want to query. You can probably them talking about a movie they’ve produced on YouTube. It really helps. And you may want to reference what you like about his/her films when you send your query. Producers usually want to know who has seen the screenplay, so hit the most likely targets for your film first.
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Thanks Phyllis. I understand the stroking elements of my target producers. Best to you.
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TO MARK MORRIS
What’s the most terrifying force of nature? A lightning storm that knows who you are and where you live.
Wow! Great concept and kind of scary.
TITLE: SkyFire
Wow! Good title
The following is all good, I went in and did some proofing. Filling in missing words in CAPS or me inserting alt words in CAPS, punctuation and other things. It’s a clean write, that’s why it’s easy to see the mistakes. Think over what I’ve done, see what you want to keep. All of it is suggestions. Hope I helped.
A Navy weapons test creates a violent storm out of a clear, (no comma needed here, clear is describing the blue sky) blue sky, and ITS lightning bolts (leave out begin and kills instead of killing) <s>begin</s> kill<s>ing</s> birds (this program doesn’t let me mark through words, so I will need to write the sentence,… its lightning bolts kill birds, animals and insects on a remote south sea island.
I would write, A Navy weapons test on a remote south sea island creates a violent storm, etc. That way the punch of the storm killing animals, insects and birds, which is the most important thing, falls at the end of the sentence, not where the experiment is located which is considered more of a side note. Also, I’d change the order of the things being killed for it to read better (think lions, tigers and bears), to animals, insects, and birds.
When the first scientist is (leave out also) <s>also </s>killed, the team leader, Holden, an ex-military pilot, saves HIS TEAM’S, the SCIENTESTS? (leave out their) <s>their</s> lives with an ingenious plan and flies them to safety.
I want to know if it’s nature or some evil person controlling the lightning bolts. A good thing, because I want more. I would like to know what the ingenious plan is, maybe a hint.
The Navy’s best weather expert discovers the storm can morph itself into different (leave out looking) <s>-looking</s> weather patterns. (period here and start a new sentence) IT’S crossing seas and continents and heading for them. (a two AND sentence without commas to make it build energy)
AFTER (leave out when, use After)<s>When</s> the storm (leave out has)<s>has </s>kills (kills instead of killed)<s>ed</s> all his team members, Holden is torn between fleeing and protecting Gina, his college sweetheart and true love, now a widow, along with her bratty three-year-old son.
OK< this is new information about GINA, and I’m not sure where he is now or how she’s there. So somehow get me to this leap. Did the storm kill her husband?
The Navy brass are ready to sacrifice Holden to the storm to stop the destruction. Only when the looming storm attacks Gina and HER son, (comma here) does he realize the boy has his DNA, and is HIS OWN son. That’s when he comes up with a (leave out stunning) <s>stunning</s> plan that will either kill him or save the planet.
I understand from above that somehow Holden’s DNA plays into the storm attacking his son, but that’s another surprise, so you might want to say something about the storm seeking out HOLDEN’S DNA to kill him because why? And maybe that’s why the Navy want to sacrifice him.
Great credentials.
Feel free to contact me (leave out the rest of this) <s>at any one of these contacts.</s>
You say contact twice in this sentence. Probably rewriting and left it in.
You have a great unique concept that I’m gonna guess is a winner.
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Mark Abel’s Query Letter Draft TWO
What I learned doing this assignment is…
Improvement through networking comes from receiving feedback but more comes from providing it
Title: ESCAPEGOAT
Genre: Thriller
Dear Development Executive,
What if the world’s greatest escape artist met inescapable circumstances?
Exiled to military service at a remote outpost following the death of his entire audience in a theater fire, reckless illusionist Felix Fleming’s convoy suffers an attack by Tuareg smugglers that strands him in the desert.
After a fortnight of ambling through hell haunted by inner demons, Felix rejects his infamous name. Facing certain death, he finds rescue at a secret oasis known as Zerzura, only to discover a power-mad sultan has enslaved its people to a crude gold mining operation.
Now Felix must confront his past and reclaim his identity to liberate the slaves before the sultan closes in…
Constant misdirection. Questionable allies. His own blinding guilt. This escape is going to require far more than magic.
If you’d like to have a look at the complete script, please let me know. Many thanks for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Mark Abel
(XXX)XXX-XXXX
BIO: Mark Abel’s scripts placed in the top 15% of both the Austin and Nicholl screenwriting contests for the past two years and he has first-hand experience failing as a magician.
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Your title is so clever! I now very clearly see this movie. I can feel the tension and conflict for the main character and your writing credits are solid! I imagine you’ll get lots of requests to read this.
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Thanks, Cara! It was actually the first thing I thought of and it inspired/informed the whole script. Best of luck with Imitation of a Poet — also an amazing title! Btw, not sure if you’d find this helpful for your letter, but see if you can summarize each act in one sentence. Maybe two for the second act since it’s twice as long. Sure, more detail could be required, but the exercise might yield a really distilled summary of your screenplay. Thanks again! –Mark
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TO: Mark
Dear Development Executive,
What if the world’s greatest escape artist met inescapable circumstances?
Good catchy hook. I would write — found himself in inescapable circumstances because people (most often) don’t use met in this manner.
Exiled to military service at a remote outpost following the death of his entire audience in a theater fire, reckless illusionist Felix Fleming’s convoy suffers an attack by Tuareg smugglers that strands him in the desert.
This is good, but I don’t know how he would be exiled to military service as a punishment, more likely some other type of sentence if the fire was found to be his fault.
I would write: When an entire audience dies in a fire because of illusionist Felix Fleming’s reckless escape act, he seeks solace in military service. His luck worsens when Tuareg smugglers attack his convoy, leaving him stranded in the (Sahara?) desert.
After a fortnight (I wouldn’t use fortnight, simply because most people don’t explain time that way) of ambling through hell haunted by inner demons, Felix rejects his infamous name. Facing certain death, he finds rescue at a secret oasis known as Zerzura, only to discover a power-mad sultan has enslaved its people to a crude gold mining operation.
<b class=””>I would write: After two weeks of fighting the desert and his inner demons, death is close, but Felix finds a secret oasis known as Zerzura, only to discover a power-mad sultan has enslaved its people to mine gold.
Now Felix must confront his past and reclaim his identity to liberate the slaves before the sultan closes in…
Constant misdirection. Questionable allies. His own blinding guilt. This escape is going to require far more than magic.
From the two lines above, I would write: Now Felix must confront his past and reclaim his identity to liberate the slaves before the sultan closes in, but this escape act will require far more than magic.
If you’d like to have a look at the complete script, please let me know. Many thanks for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Mark Abel
(XXX)XXX-XXXX
BIO: Mark Abel’s scripts placed in the top 15% of both the Austin and Nicholl screenwriting contests for the past two years and he has first-hand experience failing as a magician.
LOL to the part of failing as a magician. That’s good.
Great hero journey of reclaiming themselves from their lowest point and rescuing the world with talents they turned away from. Sounds like a winner.
Top 15% in Austin? I got second rounder in Austin this year, but not sure of the percentage, thought it was top 20%. What step is 15%?
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Thomas F. Duffy Query Letter Draft TWO
What I learned doing this assignment is another eye is always a good idea. Many eyes, even better. A query letter doesn’t have to be everything to everyone. It should be crafted for your target and get to the point in a way that pops. Thanks to all who helped.
Dear Mr. Ciardi,
When fate hands you a second chance, can you step up? The ROCKY of HOCKEY!
TITLE: SAVING GRACE
GENRE: Family Drama
The future of a little girl and an NHL team rests in the fragile hands of downtrodden grocery clerk/NHL practice goalie, Danny Murphy. He battles his wealthy mother-in-law, an old rival, and his own demons to rekindle a relationship with his daughter, Grace.
After a series of setbacks, Danny wonders if Grace would be better off without him. Can he transform his broken dreams in time to make the save of his life? I’m betting yes!
If you like the concept, I’d be glad to forward the script to you.
Bio: A veteran of over 40 films, I played college and semi-pro hockey and have left broken teeth and bones in arenas across the country. An early version of the script drew meetings at Imagine and Kennedy/Marshall. Representation is Hillary S. Bibicoff at Holmes Weinberg.
Best,
Thomas F. Duffy
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Thomas Duffy.
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I really love this, Thomas. I have just two suggestions:
1. When fate hands you a second chance, can you step up?
2. In the Bio, I think you should just say “I” rather than referring to yourself in the 3rd person.
I think you are going to see a lot of interest with this. At least I hope so–I’d watch this movie!
Best,
Andrea
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Thanks, Andrea! Dead on! Love the changes.
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Wow, this is much better. Great read.
I’d leave out “I’m betting yes!” You’ve told the answer to the cliff hanger and the movie. Given away the secret and taken away the tension you’ve created to make us want more.
Good job. Nice underdog to hero story people love.
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Thanks for your critique. Both were very helpful. I realized I was doing a synopsis, not a query.
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I think this is a vast improvement over your first draft pitch.
The lesson to me is that less is more.
Good luck with your project.
Gordon Roback
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Thanks for your help!
As regards to Steven Stern, he was a real gentleman. He always thought of me when he had a role I was right for. I loved his family. I’m glad you had the opportunity to know and work with him. I don’t think I can remember a moment when he lost his cool. You can’t say that about many directors. I was very sad to hear of his passing. RIP Steven.
Good luck with your project!
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Wow, Thomas, the second draft is wonderful. What a difference! I also second Andrea’s suggestions. Congratulations, you did it!
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Thanks! You are the best! I’ll see yours tomorrow!
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Thanks to all who gave me feedback. I learned new things from you.
RE: on email line CONTEST WINNER
Dear Producer,
Flint Hill, my Horror/Supernatural Thriller screenplay, has scored 96/100 by seasoned Hollywood readers and earned top honors in several contests including:
Top Ten, ISA Table Read Horror: FLINT HILL hurt my heart. It made me tense. It scared me on an emotional level.
Semi Finalist, ScreenCraft Horror: FLINT HILL is a tense, beautifully written horror/thriller story with some genuinely horrifying moments. The gripping opening scene grabs your attention by the neck. It’s shocking and surprising, but it still feels incredibly real… The sense of imagination will set this story apart from so many others.
Logline: When a young boy’s father takes a traveling sales job in a new town, he’s left to save his sister and pregnant mother from a dead girl who will kill to be part of their family, but how can he stop someone who’s already dead?
Evan hopes this move will be different. Maybe he won’t be bullied at school and maybe his dad will keep his job, but he soon finds there’s a bigger problem. Abigail, a lonely dead girl, lives in his backyard and she wants love, which means his family. He’ll have to stop her on his own because his mom doesn’t believe she exists, and his little sister thinks she’s magic.
When Evan’s makeshift exorcism doesn’t work, Abigail sends a dead “pet” to kill him.
He destroys the pet, and in return she kills Fuzzy, the family dog. His mom thinks Evan killed his own dog to prove Abigail is real, and he’ll have to be institutionalized again. Devastated and certain he’s next to die, he steals the family car to run away, but the sight of his fragile sister makes him stay and fight for all their lives.
He’s a worthy opponent, but Abigail has a supernatural arsenal.
When one of Abigail’s “human pets” kills his mother, Evan must get what’s left of his family off Flint Hill before they become hers for eternity.
Let me know if I can send Flint Hill to you. Thanks for your time and consideration.
Best regards,
Elizabeth Yanders
Credentials: My screenplays, Flint Hill along with The Widow’s Watch, have won honors in notable screenwriting contests. My poems and short stories are published in anthologies, and I occasionally write movie reviews for an online site.
(Contact Info)
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Liz,
Love the conversational tone of the synopsis. I can relate to the story much easier. Makes it smooth & easy reading.
Your creds are great. But do you need to list them twice? I’d try to compact them into ONE para, TWO sentences, as you did at the bottom. But it’s hard not to include the reader’s “hurt my heart”!
Logline: may want to rewrite “traveling sales job in a new town” as traveling sales is beyond a town. Perhaps “in a new state”?
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Several people have told me to take out what the readers wrote, but I’m using their words more as an advertisement for the script. I like the idea of out-of-state sales, and will play around with the wording. Thanks for your help.
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Guil, really like your premise. I would separate the end of your logline and turn it into your tag line: “How do you … someone who’s already dead”. That’s your tag line, so your logline is more concise. I would take out “left to”. Make it even more direct. I would do the same with your synopsis to make it absolutely clear who your protagonist is and what the building obstacles and stakes are. I would “highlight” your hooks, too to help the producer visualize your movie quickly. Is there are way to create a more supernaturally terrifying tone in your synopsis so the producer can sense that ability right off?
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Lonnie, I like the overall concept of your story. I would consider changing the title so that it indicates that this is a story about a reptoid master plan. As a producer, if I read your query, from the title, I would assume this is a story that has something to do with an elevator. I would also make sure any reversals, twists, engaging surprises, etc., are included in your synopsis. I would avoid “partner in crime” unless she is actually a partner in crime. A clever phrase but it can cause confusion if taken literally. I’d like to know more about this “fragile” child and why I should care about him beyond that he’s a child.
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Robert Barhite’s Query Letter Draft ONE
Robert Barhite’s Query Letter
What I learned doing this assignment is to keep an open mind regarding feedback.
Title: Eulogy for the Damned
Written by: Robert Barhite
Genre: One Hour Serial Drama/Western
Synopsys
What’s an honest outlaw gotta do to save his neck?
Five years after a traitor sold out Isaiah Cooper’s gang of conniving stagecoach robbers to Pinkerton detectives, he’s tracked down the last member of his crew – his lover Kate. Despite mutual mistrust they work together to find the gang’s stolen loot. What a perfect way to keep Kate under his thumb. Unless she turns him in for the reward.
His gang massacred. Hunted relentlessly by Pinkertons. And now framed by cattle barons for the murders of two homesteaders.
To save himself, Isaiah is coerced by the cattle barons and their head thug to help recruit an army of murderers. One small hitch. Their thug, Solomon, was Isaiah’s right-hand man, and they need each other alive long enough to find the missing loot. Solomon cuts a deal with Isaiah – help wipe out the homesteaders, or else.
BIO: Award-winning filmmaker and published author. MFA in Professional Screenwriting with Distinction.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Thanks,
Robert Barhite
608.xxx.xxxx
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“What I learned doing this assignment is . . ”. write Query Letter that is K.I.S.S.: Keep It Short & Snappy & use intriguing Hooks.
Michael Mercer’s Query Letter – Draft ONE
TITLE: LOVE YOU FOREVER
GENRE: Coming-of-Age Drama Romance
LOGLINE: In this coming-of-age drama romance, Adam – a handsome, fun, affectionate guy – gets into simultaneous loving relationships with six girls who go through intense emotional rollercoasters.
SYNOPSIS: LOVE YOU FOREVER includes girls “sharing” Adam as their boyfriend, jealousy, competition for Adam’s attention, and Adam’s extreme clashes with upset parents. Adam even receives death threats from one girl’s father and threats of legal action by another girl’s parents. One of the girls dies on Prom night. Adam delivers an emotionally moving eulogy at her funeral. And Adam cunningly manipulates one girl’s father to stop sexually abusing her. In the outcome, Adam has six girls who declared they will love him forever – and Adam confidently vows he will love them forever.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
BIO: Michael Mercer, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist. He has personal experience getting himself into simultaneous loving, fun, dramatic, emotional relationships involving multiple females.
CONTACT INFO: Michael Mercer, Ph.D., 2591 The Peaks Lane, Las Vegas, NV 89138, Phone = 847-521-2554, EM = DrMercer@MercerSystems.com
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