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This site does not work worth a hoot! It will not send.
Karen Crider Writes this scene
What I learned: That prep work is important. My mind swims with ideas and I write them down on the run. So much material. Too little time. I actually figured out the concept and character traits before I begun, which is a switch for me. So, I think that increased the subtext as well. Thanks.
CONCEPT: Two brothers, one young and caring; the other greedy, competes for their sickly, grandmother’s favor, and the largest ruby ring that can possibly anchor a wrinkly hand.
TITLE:
INT. GRANNY BENTSON’S HOME-DAY
Light streams a tiny room, tingeing the cheek of Mae Bentson, 83, whose rheumy eyes are mere slits; her wispy hair splays her pillow; her empty gaze contrasts the sallow porches that gully her complexion.
Trent recoils from her appearance; he wipes her eyes with a washcloth as she groans against its invasion. His eyes catch the gleam of her ruby ring catching the light. The one appraised for thousands.
TRENT BENTSON, her oldest grandson, who drives her car and sleeps nights at her house, brings Grandma her pills. He glances at the light her ruby ring catches and reflects.
TRENT
You look beautiful this morning, Grandma.
Granny Mae swallows each pill, marked by an absence of thought, a reflex. One resulting in a gurgling upheaval, engulfing her frame.
Her choking startles Trent. He drops the last pill on the floor. It rolls beneath the dresser. He shrugs, as he catches his reflection in the mirror. He pats his hair in place.
TRENT
(chuckles)
You probably don’t need that one anyway.
Someone knocks at the door. He leaves to answer the door. The nurse’s aid, MAGGIE WORN, 19, from Home Health arrives. She smiles a flirty smile at Trent as she bends over to retrieve her supplies. Cleavage from her low-cut blouse gives him pause.
MAGGIE
(animated)
How is Granny Mae this morning?
Are you on your way to work?
TRENT
Like she is every morning, there. Barely there.
I’m between jobs.
Maggie glances at Trent’s shoes.
MAGGIE
Are those Armoni oxfords? They sell like for
a thousand dollars a pair.
Trent smiles, proud someone has validated his good taste.
ROBERT, 17, appears out of nowhere. His hair is ruffled and he’s wearing sweats.
ROBERT
Oh, don’t you know, Maggie? Trent’s rich.
He’s the only loaded guy I know, who drives his
Grandma’s car to save gas.
TRENT
Jealousy doesn’t become you, bro. Go to college.
Get a life!
ROBERT
Does that mean then, that I can afford Armoni shoes?
TRENT
Probably not. But I doubt you can afford a Dolce Gabbana suit either.
I own two. They both put me back $4000.00 bucks each.
Clothes make the man. But then, some have to start there, if you
get what I mean.
ROBERT
I’m not a queer, Trent. I just lead a different life,
that’s all.
TRENT
Yeah, right…
ROBERT
You’re on duty at one. That’s if you can break
away from your fans by then?
Robert leaves.
When he returns later, the house is quiet as Trent saunters to Granny’s bedroom. On his way, he leafs through the house looking for valuables to pilfe, Something to cover his gambling debts. One loan shark has threatened to break his legs if he doesn’t pay by this afternoon.
He grabs a few pieces of old jewelry, then returns to Granny Mae’s room to watch her chest rise and fall. She sleeps so deeply, he tries to wrestle her ring off her finger.
She wakes up.
TRENT
Sorry to wake you, grandma, but I want you to
know I’m in a fix. Robert’s in jail and I need money
to bail him out. He’s accused of robbing a bank.
Her hands shake as she reaches out to him. Their eyes meet for a second, right before she leaves to go to that nether world she lives in.
TRENT
Let’s go to the garden. You’re happiest there.
He lifts her into her wheel chair, and they meander to the garden. Granny has no shawl and she’s shaking. The doorbell rings. Trent jogs to answer it. A beefy guy with a bad complexion beats open the door. He puts a gun to Trent’s head.
TRENT
(terrified)
I promise, I can pay you tonight. I just have to
liquify a few assets, that’s all!
BEEFY GUY
Okay, shit head! Tonight, it is.
He removes the gun, slugs Trent across the face and leaves.
When Trent wakes up, he stumbles to Granny’s room. The bed is empty.
TRENT
Oh my God! Granny!
He lurches out the door. In the garden, Granny is lying on the ground. He races to her, but it’s too late. She’s almost cold to the touch.
He carries her back into the bedroom. He calls an ambulance, but he removes the ring first. The ambulance arrives and takes the body. Trent goes to the corner Hock Shop and hocks it for the amount due the loan shark.
He returns home as Robert and Maggie return. They are frantic and rush to the hospital. They view Granny’s body and weep.
Before they leave, the hospital gives Robert her personal effects. Her ruby ring is not recorded.
Robert freaks. The hospital gives them the property sheet that records every item Granny Mae possessed upon arrival. The ring is not written down.
And Robert knows where the ring is. And he’s livid. He drives like a maniac to get home before Robert can clear out. Trent’s trying to pull out with Granny’s car when he arrives. Robert blocks his exit.
Trent bolts from the car and heads to the house. He locks himself in the bathroom.
Robert bangs on the door.
ROBERT
What’s happened to Granny?
They say there’s grass in her hair.
Open this door, Trent! Open it NOW!
TRENT
She has taken a tumble in the garden, I guess.
It has done her in.
Robert takes him in a throat hold.
ROBERT
They say her back is broken. How does that
happen? HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?
TRENT
I don’t know. How do I know such things?
I’m not a doctor.
ROBERT
Where’s her ring, Trent?
TRENT
I haven’t taken it, if that’s what you mean.
Robert pulls out his cell phone and dials 911.
TRENT
What are you doing?
ROBERT
Calling the cops. It’s good timing.
TRENT
What do you mean?
ROBERT
It gives me plenty of time to beat the shit out of you.
TRENT
Now wait a minute, you need to think about this.
I am your brother, and I know you can use a little help
with that late car payment…
ROBERT
He decks Trent and knocks him down.
Somewhere in the distance a siren fills the air with urgency.
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2 Replies
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Hi Karen, I really like your scene! Your dialogue is realistic and potent. I like all of the tension and conflict that bubbles up in such a short period of time. Nicely done. It’s very interesting to read the different approaches people had to this assignment. I tend to like writing comedy, so I struggled with an idea because the characters and the premise are rather dark. You used the Interest Techniques quite well!
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Hi David, I always do things so differently than others. I see most have named their traits and gone on from there. Smart choices. Not me. I write a five page script and could have yammered on for another fifteen. lol However, we do have something in common. I write comedy as well, and I haven’t met many that do. Different again. So nice to meet you. Stay in touch. Glad to meet another comedy writer… Karen Crider
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