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Day 13 Assignment
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3 Replies
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Jean Has Great Introductions!
What I learned doing this assignment is, like all the others, there is room for improvement. It wasn’t like I needed to do full rewrites. It only took a line or maybe a couple of words to make the characters’ introductions that much better. The irony portion, I struggled with. I had already added irony in, so looking for new places to add it was difficult. I found a couple of places.
Character Introductions:
Tanner’s introduction is the most interesting and exciting and is the main focus of the teaser where the world is also introduced. I only tweaked one line.
EXT. ALLEYWAY – CONTINUOUS
From the shadows stops TANNER HOLMES(33) out of breath. His clothes are Colonial, but his body language screams career military, not of that century.
Cocky, impulsive, and easy on the eyes. Tanner’s the guy you want on your side. He spots Ben and pauses, sharp-eyed.
Ben puts the key in his pocket and jaunts down the sidewalk, whistling a merry tune.
Something makes Tanner’s eyes unfocus then refocus. He fishes in his pocket for a Link(a slim metal communication device) and snaps it behind his left ear. It’s not of this world. Or time. It’s barely noticeable.
TANNER: Not a good time, Laz.
However, I knew that Sharra’s introduction was lacking the most interesting thing about her, her perfect recall. Though she is walking to work, there is a lot going on. Her voice-over reflects on her thoughts on destiny or randomness – the whole premiss of the show. It speaks a lot about the character and where she is at this point. However, there is nothing interesting about her going on. I knew this is where I could somehow slip in a clue about her perfect recall.
EXT. MANHATTAN FINANCIAL DISTRICT – STREET – DAY
Wall Street buzz. Money is everywhere. It’s in their business suit, smartphone carrying, mind-your-own-damn-business walk.
SHARRA (V.O.)
Lately, I’ve been thinking about destiny.SHARRA LANE(24), optimistic, tenacious yet genuine, steps out of the subway station with an over-the-shoulder satchel and joins the pedestrian flow. She carries herself like someone who’s learned how to be alone.
SUPER: Manhattan, New York – 2018
Her focus is drawn to a FATHER who is lecturing his TEENAGE SON.
Sharra’s POV: The sound of a CAMERA CLICKING. The photos of their faces last for a second. Instant memorization; it’s an automatic reflex. Sharra can’t stop it.
Her focus is drawn to a FATHER who is lecturing his TEENAGE SON.
Sharra’s POV: The sound of a CAMERA CLICKING. A photo of their faces lasts for a second. Instant memorization; it’s an automatic reflex. Sharra can’t stop it.
A little later in the scene:
Lazarus helps upright Sharra. His hand slips into her satchel. We get a glimpse of a silver tattoo behind his ear.
Sharra’s POV: The sound of the CAMERA CLICKING. On Lazarus’ face.
Irony:
Sharra’s boss is not a good guy. We don’t know that until the 3<sup>rd</sup> act. Before this point, he seems upstanding and honest. He’s not. To show the irony of this face, that he’s been embezzling millions from his clients, I’ve added the description below as the setup. The payoff is when Sharra discovers the truth and then later again when she confronts him using the company logo as a verbal slap in his face. Notice that honesty is placed first on the slogan.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
Staff listen to DAVID READ (50s) giving a speech. Though charming, there’s a ruthlessness behind his sharp eyes and commanding presence. The company slogan, Honesty Integrity Ingenuity, frames his head like an oversize halo.
Faolan’s introduction: I thought this is another place I could add some irony. He’s coming home from a night out. The irony is that he’s dressed as a distinguished 1800’s gentleman but he’s been in a terrible fight and is injured but we don’t see it. So, I’ve changed some of the action to give a hint that something bad has happened though he’s dressed to the nines:
INT. FAOLAN’S LONDON TOWNHOUSE – MAIN FOYER – NIGHT
A gentleman walks in the front door. It’s FAOLAN(34) a Scotsman, an idealist with keen intelligence, and honorable to a fault.
He stiffly removes his top hat, hiding a grimace; blood stains the elegant white cuff of his shirt.
There’s something dark about Faolan, in his eyes and in the catlike grace of his fit body. You don’t want to mess with him, that’s for sure.SUPER: London, England – 1825
The butler, WILLIAM HOBBS (60s) – takes Faolan’s top hat and cane. Notices the blood. Faolan does nothing to hide it.
HOBBS
Did you have a good evening, sir?FAOLAN
Yes, thank you, Hobbs.A lie. Hobbs is used to it.
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Janeen Has Great Introductions
What I learned doing this assignment is that these description skills need to be practiced enough that they become automatic for me. I like what they did for the script.
Improvements:
World:
I had not specifically added location descriptions. I did so, using the description techniques in the lesson.
Character Introductions:
Original: CARA TINKHAM, sleek, mid-thirties, empathetic and kind finishes up a session with one of her clients.
After: CARA TINKHAM, sleek, mid-thirties, empathetic and kind, finishes up a session on a mid-forties client by clinking finger cymbals. After ten years in practice, she’s still mildly embarrassed every time she clinks the cymbals.
I didn’t do much more than list traits in my original character descriptions. I tried to add a little life to them in this draft.
Irony:
By adding more subtext, irony emerged naturally in many descriptions.
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Mod 4., Lesson 13 — Introducing main characters
(This introduces a main character that gets killed early in the story. Much of the plot revolves around who killed him)
FADE IN: TEASER INT. LIVING ROOM OF SMALL APARTMENT – NIGHT CHRISTIAN SAVAGE, 50, grizzled, his grey hair tousled, a man ground down by all that life has thrown at him, sits on a stained couch, bleary-eyed in this dim living room. He empties a scotch bottle into a mug and then dribbles the last drops of the bottle into his mouth. Blows over the bottle and makes a long, lonely SOUND. The doorbell BUZZES. SAVAGE Go away. The only light in the room comes from the street. Savage’s head lolls back and he closes his eyes. Again the doorbell BUZZES. SAVAGE (CONT’D) Nobody’s here Goddamnit. Go away. The doorbell BUZZES, this time an insistent, nasty vibration. SAVAGE (CONT’D) Christ, would you stop! A more persevering BUZZ. He bangs the mug down so hard, whatever scotch is left splashes out. He climbs out of the couch, staggers to the door. Doesn’t bother to check the peephole, but unlocks the door, opens it wide. SAVAGE (CONT’D) You. He stumbles back into the kitchen. The LABORED BREATH of the person who just entered. Then the CLINK of glass hitting ceramic when gloved hands empties a small POUR into Savage’s mug. Savage manages to come back, puts a half empty liquor bottle on the table. Picks up his mug, knocks it back. Adds another thumb or two of liquor into his mug. HUMS approval. He sways. SAVAGE (CONT’D) What do you…what do…you…want? Savage crouches to sit back on the couch but falters. Slides down to the floor. Doesn’t spill a drop. He picks up the mug, Swallows what’s left. Even more rummy. Belches as if he’s going to vomit. Sniffs the contents of the mug. SAVAGE (CONT’D) What the…what the fuck… He looks up to see the eye of a gun barrel coming close. Then. It presses against his forehead. He tries to knock it away. His hands don’t work. Deafening CRACK. Blinding vortex. END OF TEASER
(This scene introduces Lane and Marta Baer, two main characters and what their state of minds are in the beginning)
ACT ONE EXT. AT THE MAILBOX – DAY
SCREEN BLACK. THEN BRIGHT LIGHT FILLS THE FRAME A hand comes in. We see it is entering a mailbox. It grabs the pile of envelopes and pulls out. Door closes. BLACK. LANE BAER, 40ish, once uncommonly handsome, ignoring the rain, riffles through the mail. BAER Fucking bills. INT. BAER LIVING ROOM – DAY Baer enters, towel drying his abundant hair. Slouches on the couch, a bottle of Beefeater in one hand, a wad of manuscript pages in the other. He tosses the bills. Some land on the coffee table, some on the couch, some on the floor. Baer fills a jelly jar with gin, knocks it back. Suddenly MARTA BAER, late 30ies, a plain jane with a healthy potential of pretty hovering just beneath the surface stands in front of him. BAER I didn’t hear you come in. MARTA Looks like you’ve had a challenging day. Baer flings the typed pages. BAER Every freaking page…stinko. Marta gathers the bills. BAER (CONT’D) Leave them. MARTA We can’t ignore/ BAER Just leave them. She tentatively puts ‘em down. Picks up the manuscript pages. BAER (CONT’D) I can’t find it. MARTA Find what? BAER The story. Any story. I’m dry. As a bone.
(This scene introduces the sub world in which most of the plot unfolds. It’s a posh private girl’s school in Berkeley, California)
EXT. PARKING NEAR THE SCHOOL He pulls out of the car, shivers. He turns a corner, stops. Vomits into a stand of bushes. Wipes his mouth with a smooth wet leaf. When he steps off the curb, a damp, dirty mutt follows him into the street. BAER Hey there, dog. Going my way? He reaches down to touch the dog and it shies, heads straight into traffic. A car clips its back leg. ASSHOLE IN CAR Put a leash on your Goddamn dog. The car squeals away and the dog collapses. Baer picks up the whimpering animal. Holds him away from him trying to keep his clothes from getting trashed. Half way up the block he stops. In front of him looms a weathered, gabled fortress. INSERT SIGN: Caroline Russell Brown School for Girls, 1905. EXT. SCHOOL COMPOUND – DAY The school spreads out over a city block. I’s three-storied shingled buildings are covered with winter vines of wisteria. They stand at the perimeter of a cement quad. Lush bushes and grasses grace the area. A sign reading “Chapel” hangs over the doors of a free-standing building in the same style as the others. Baer lays the WHIMPERING dog on the ground under an overhang. BAER We’ll figure it out, boy. But first there’s the freaking interview. The Chapel doors CRACK open. He turns. The face of an ethnic looking beauty peeks out at him and then she quickly closes the doors. EXT. STAIRS – DAY Stairs lead to the second floor. At the top, the glass door lettered in a black Gothic style reads: “MARGARET GILGOOD, PhD, HEADMISTRESS”
(This scene introduces Paige, Lane and Marta’s extremely precocious daughter)
INT. BAER KITCHEN – DAY Marta, wrapped in an old chenille robe, her hair pulled back with a rubber band, carelessly plops down a box of cereal, spoons and bowls, and a quart of milk in the middle of the table. BAER enters, showered, dressed in business attire, tie slack, followed by Paige. MARTA I haven’t seen you dressed up for weeks. What’s up? PAIGE He’s going to teach literature at that fancy school for rich sluts. The one where the girl was shot and killed. Paige slips into a seat. Both Marta and Baer abruptly turn to her, watch her shake cereal into her bowl. BAER Where did you get that information? PAIGE I heard you on the phone. BAER I mean about the shooting? MARTA Somebody was killed? Paige stuffs her mouth with Cheerios. Marta turns her back and looks out the kitchen window. Rain spits at the pane. MARTA (CONT’D) When were you going to tell me about it? BAER The shooting? MARTA No. The job. INT. VINTAGE 1992 VOLVO WAGON – DAY The three Baers ride for several blocks in silence. BAER This job could be the break we need. Paige can go to the school for practically nothing. Teaching will pay the bills and allow me the time to write the novel. Won’t be long and you can go back to freelance editing. Silence returns. Marta wears what she calls her work uniform: black slacks, silk blouse and raincoat. Her hair knotted into a bun at the back of her neck. She gazes out the window. Baer glances over at Marta. BAER (CONT’D) Be sure you eat. Don’t let Jericho work you through lunch. Marta doesn’t respond. Paige leans forward from the backseat. PAIGE He’s trying to look out for you, Mom. Marta glances over her shoulder at Paige and then resumes looking out the window. The skies open. Baer flicks on the window wipers. PAIGE (CONT’D) I bet there’s a ton of women who would give their left tit if their husbands worried about them eating lunch. MARTA Thanks you for your inappropriate observation.
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