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CM 4: Syd’s Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is some benchmark techniques against which I can compare and review my scenes?
Golden City, Scene 5
Scene logline: Vanhi discovers Charita chased her to the Golden City. Devastated that her daughter ran away from home and a marriage arrangement, Vanhi hatches a new plan to secure her future.
Essence: Charita’s appearance has upended Vanhi’s plan to slip quietly back to Lucknow. Vanhi chooses to find an advantageous match for Charita herself, but she risks being exposed and gambles the last of her wealth.
Tell us at least two (more if you can) interest techniques for the rewrite.
Suspense — Charita is smart and independent, but she’s getting in over her head with Portuguese sailors
Surprise/Twist — Vanhi intervenes in a way Charita has never seen before. Vanhi’s not afraid to wield a dagger
Character Changes Radically — This is the beginning of Charita seeing her mother embody different personas.
Betrayal — Does Charita see her mother’s desire to push her into a marriage match (after she just ran away from one) as betrayal;
Uncertainty — Vanhi is goes from fierce to afraid for the future to confident aristocrat
Intrigue — It’s clear that Vanhi’s got secrets
Rewrite the scene using as many interest techniques as you can and include the newly rewritten scene in your post.
See below (numerals represent page numbers).
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EXT. MARKET – NEXT DAY
Near the Palace Fort, MERCHANTS haggle ferociously, FARMERS maneuver their sheep and goats through a market street leading to a prosperous city along the Silk Road.
Charita takes it all in with wonder. She’s naively bold. Smiling, she chats with PEOPLE in the crowd.
CHARITA
I’m looking for travelers from Lucknow.A MERCHANT WOMAN points to the market road, but Charita looks in the opposite direction to a site she’s never before seen. Chinese TRADERS on horseback.
The young woman stares wide-eyed. A stern TRADER catches her gaze. He stares back stone-faced as he passes. The Merchant Woman grabs Charita’s veil and pulls it over her face.
Charita wrangles free, holding up her veil, but her eyes continue following the Chinese Traders with amazement.
EXT. MARKET ROAD – MOMENTS LATER
Later, Vanhi talks to the Merchant Woman, yet is more reserved. The Woman points up the road. Vanhi sees what she’s looking for — a colorful CARAVAN — stopped at a bottleneck of travelers headed toward the Palace Fort.
VANHI Thank you.
MERCHANT WOMAN Are you with the other?
VANHI Other?
MERCHANT WOMAN
Another woman was looking for the Lucknow caravan. Vanhi looks around frantically.VANHI
Which woman? What did she look like?EXT. MARKET – CONTINUOUS
Walking through the crowd, Charita slows to watch HINDI WOMEN, wearing brightly colored saris, sell spices. MUSLIM WOMEN, hair and midriffs covered, are buying.
A PROSTITUTE, beautiful and alluring, also sells her goods. A NASRANI WOMAN, wearing a cross, drags her children away.
Charita stares wide-eyed. The Prostitute stares back and smiles as a man nuzzles her neck and caresses her hips. Charita hustles away embarrassed.
She keeps moving, looking at all the pots, urns, and spices.
Looking up and around, Charita spots EUROPEAN MEN in Portuguese uniforms. Their CAPTAIN barters with a WEALTHY MERCHANT. The young woman watches an Indian Royal Guard teaches the European Men to play Ganjifa.
She takes a step closer. A young SOLDIER, turns and meets her gaze. He smiles. She returns the smile and he steps forward.
Suddenly, a snarling, vicious Vanhi jumps in front of Charita and brandishes a knife at the soldier. The man reels as does Charita – she’s never seen this side of her mother.
The man holds up his hands in peace/surrender. The other Men laugh. Holding the knife out towards him, she pushes Charita away behind the market, away from the road.
EXT. MARKET, BEHIND STALL – MINUTES LATER
Behind a market stall, the furious beast that was Vanhi turns into a rattled, shaking woman. Charita’s taken aback. Both versions of her mother are unfamiliar.
VANHI
What! How did you get here?CHARITA I walked all night. Charita goes to hug her mother. Vanhi pushes her back.
VANHI
No! It’s too dangerous! You know not what you do!CHARITA
No one saw me. I hid.2.
Vanhi grabs her daughter and hugs her, tears streaming down her face. They sit / collapse. Vanhi speaks as if to herself.
VANHI
What do I do? It will take two days for me to get you back to the village. And it will cost.She shoots an angry glance at Chardy.
CHARITA But Maan…
VANHI
Shhh. Don’t call me ‘Maan.’CHARITA
I don’t want to marry Priansh.VANHI
I could do this if I was by myself, but not with a child. I can’t do this.Charita’s eyes pop open, jolted by the comment.
CHARITA
I’m not a child. I can work. I will come with you. I want to be an artist like you.VANHI (Vicious) You do not want to be like me! (Whispering) Poor and a widow!
CHARITA Maan…
VANHI
Stop! From now on, call me Mausi, not Maan. You are my sister’s daughter – an orphan.Vanhi grabs Charita by the hand and pulls her forward speaking in hushed tones.
CHARITA
But… I want you to be my Maan.VANHI
Listen Chardy, you condemn yourself if people discover I am a widow.3.
Vanhi nods toward the prostitute as they pass.
VANHI (CONT’D)
You compromise you ability to get a match. Priansh is a bad choice. Dumb as an ox. I told your Uncle you needed someone smarter.Charita is unable to take her eyes off the prostitute.
VANHI (CONT’D)
Don’t stare at it, or it will enter you, Chardy. Poverty hunts me like a beast. I must be wise.Vanhi pushes her forward. Vanhi turns back and, despite her own warning, stares at the prostitute.
VANHI (CONT’D)
Be on your guard. Yes, there is much to see and to learn.
Charita watches Men approach the prostitute.VANHI (CONT’D)
Men travel from far West to the East to bring back silk. They stop here to get their supplies…The Europeans playfully negotiate with the prostitute.
VANHI (CONT’D) …and feed their vices.
Mother and daughter reach the avenue’s end. They have an unobstructed view of the Palace Fort. The red stone palace commands the sky line, glowing gold in the late day sun.
Vanhi allows her daughter to stop and drink in what she sees. Vanhi smiles for the first time.
VANHI (CONT’D)
I once belonged at a palace… but then I married.CHARITA You loved Popa.
VANHI
Mausi! I’m your auntie.CHARITA
Yes, Mausi-ji. You loved your hus…4.
VANHI
Shhh. I have never been married.Charita stares at her confused. Vanhi pulls her aside checking that no one can hear.
VANHI (CONT’D)
I loved him with every once of my strength. And my reward for loving him? I’m a starving widow.Charita holds out the food Sona gave her to her mother.
VANHI (CONT’D)
There is no future for a widow.CHARITA
Why can’t women remarry? Men do when their wife dies.VANHI Widows are bad luck!
CHARITA That’s not true!
VANHI
It doesn’t matter what’s true! It matters what men believe… And rich women.Vanhi stops walking, thinking about what she just said.
CHARITA
Uncle Palesh said you could stay.VANHI
I am too young to spend the rest of my life in your Uncle’s back room. And if that’s not bad enough my only child is a girl.Charita hangs her head, lowering the food she was holding.
VANHI (CONT’D)
I play from a disadvantage, but yet I will play the game. The opinion of a rich woman matters.Vanhi turns and holds her daughter’s face in her hands.
5.
VANHI (CONT’D)
My beautiful girl, it will go well for you… if you remember, love is a rich woman’s luxury.CHARITA I don’t understand.
VANHI
I will find a match for you. Someone who values you. But the path you take may not include love.Vanhi locks arms with her daughter and they proceed slowly toward the palace as Vanhi instructs her.
VANHI
Do not repeat my mistakes. No soldiers for you, unless, of course, you find one from a wealthy family AND you have time to produce a son before he goes to war.Vanhi spots a nearby tent and negotiates with the VENDOR. Charita spots some of the KING’S SOLDIERS in smart uniforms.
VANHI
If you were a boy, I would find you a profession. Not the King’s Guard.Vanhi motions for her to enter the tent.
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Copyright 2021 Sydney Burtner, all rights reserved
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Tom’s Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned: In this class, I’m learning clever ways to show – not tell – what my characters are really about.
Scene Logline: Warren wants Stu to show him how he launches. Also, Warren suspects Stu hides his sister whom he wants to kill.
Scene Essence: Stu refuses to show Warren what he wants to know.
Scene Rewritten with interest techniques:
EXT./INT. ZENITH AEROSPACE – NIGHT
Watchtower. Rough stone walls. 12-foot fence. Atop the crypt-like building, a massive dish antenna. Sign reads “Zenith Aerospace.”
The Humvee pulls up. Warren and Stu hop out. Enter the building.
Stu reveals a crew capsule.
Warren hands Stu coordinates.
STU
Do it at night. No one’s around.
Stu mixes a drink. Hands it to Warren.
WARREN
Daytime. The world has to see it.
He ignores the drink.
STU
But the crew. Your Ex and my son will be in it.
He puts his drink back down.
Warren smirks.
STU
You really hate her that much.
WARREN
This sale saves your company. I got some time. I’ll go with you.
He strides to the door.
Stu doesn’t move.
STU
Why’d the President switch a Moon mission to Mars.
WARREN
To impress Kate.STU
Potus got the hots for your Ex.
Warren straightens his back. Stares daggers at him.
Stu retreats to the crew capsule.
STU
What if Art doesn’t buy it.WARREN
No choice. We have zero competition.
Outside Warren goes to the Humvee and removes a crippled dog.
He slow walks it for a pee.
EVELYN glares down at him from an upper floor window.
(She’s Warren’s sister whom he wants to kill. He doesn’t know Stu is hiding her from him.)
She knows and loves the dog. Not so much Warren.
He returns the critter to the Humvee. Glances up at the building.
She ducks.
Warren glances over at Stu who waits for him to leave.
Warren drives away.
Stu ensures Warren is out of sight.
Enters, trots downstairs, passes dirty engine parts.
Examines rocket engines. Puts one on a lift that raises it to ground level.
Outside, he climbs into an antique Toyota Land Cruiser.
It sways onto the two-lane and picks up speed. #
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