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Day 10 Assignments
Reply to post your assignment.
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16 Replies
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Rob Bertrand’s Kick Ass Dialogue
What I learned: I learned how to improve my dialogue with a variety of tools. I definitely feel more confident with my character dialogue.
CHARACTER TRAITS
Annie Andrews – Protagonist
Depressed
Sarcastic
Angry
SuperiorRobin Wilkes – Supporting Character
Loyal
Old Fashioned
Supportive
GenuineBACKGROUND: Seven months after the death of her mother, Annie meets with her guidance counselor, Robin, to make a plan on how to improve her grades.
SCENE
INT. ROBIN’S OFFICE – HIGH SCHOOL – MORNING
Robin leans back in her chair, enjoying a morning cup of coffee, perusing Annie’s grades on her computer. Annie sits across from her, watching the clock. This is torture.
ROBIN
Looking at your grades, Annie, I think our top priority is Algebra. Do you need some help in that subject?ANNIE
Please. That’s baby stuff, I could do it in my sleep.ROBIN
Then why don’t you? Colleges are going to look very closely–ANNIE
–I love that everyone just assumes I’m going to college.ROBIN
I’m sorry. I guess, I’m just a little surprised to hear you say that. I assumed you were still interested in journalism. I read your op-ed in the school paper, last year. It was quite eye opening.ANNIE
I quit the paper. No one reads anymore. Kid’s these days only get their news from whatever bullshit TikTok is trending. It’s all regurgitated opinions on cancel culture and Trumptards. It’s so boring…makes me want to barf. The kids in this school give me no hope for the future.ROBIN
You don’t think you could help change that by getting an education?Annie rolls her eyes.
ANNIE
Sorry. I guess I just don’t subscribe to the traditional whole American dream thing. Why start my life with a mountain of debt and fill my brain with government propaganda? Only to work some dead end job, killing myself the rest of my life to pay it back? High school is bad enough. The fact that it’s easier for a kid to get a school loan for a hundred thousand dollars, then it is for a kid to get a business loan in this country, shows you just how fucked up the world is.ROBIN
What’s the plan then?ANNIE
How do I know? I’m too busy answering your questions about life to actually have one. Maybe I’ll just hold a sign on a freeway off ramp. I hear those people make over a hundred thousand a year. Tax free…ROBIN
I don’t think that’s challenging enough for you.ANNIE
You don’t know me too well, then.Robin nods her head, moving on.
ROBIN
We’re almost out of time….but I’m curious. How’d your date go?ANNIE
My date? Oh…with Danny…Awful. Why do people always feel the need to represent themselves differently than they actually are? He completely duped me into believing he was someone he’s not.ROBIN
Maybe that speaks to his own internal fears and self confidence?Annie shrugs with indifference.
ANNIE
Wasn’t all bad though. I met someone…interesting, I guess.ROBIN
Well, that’s a positive note to end on. Can you tell me about them?Annie thinks better of it.
ANNIE
I’d rather not. You’d probably think she’s a bad influence on me.Annie looks up to the clock.
ANNIE
Time’s up. Can I go?ROBIN
Do me a favor. Work on that algebra. I know it’s for…what did you say…babies? Might as well get it off your plate.ANNIE
Whatever. Fine…This brings a smile to Robin’s face.
ROBIN
You know what I like about you, Annie? You got a real noisy spirit. That’s a good thing. See you next week…CUT TO:
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CRITIQUE FOR ROB BERTRAND
Hi, Rob!
This is a well-done scene with ‘kick-ass’ dialogue. Characters are real and the attack counter attack model plays out. I can’t think of any way to improve it or even throw you a line of bait to consider changing anything. The dialogue also leads the story on and it is a great story.
Good Luck in all things, Rob. Let’s stay in touch. My email: RobertRSmith4646@comcast.net.
.Bob
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Thanks Bob, I always appreciate your feedback. I’m looking forward to reading your full script soon. We’re getting close!
Rob
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Janeen’s Kick-Ass dialogue
What I learned doing this assignment is that the more of these techniques I put in a scene, the more interesting it s.
INFORMATION:
Names/Character Traits
Morgan Day (Fashionista/Trophy Wife)
Basic Character Traits: Insecure; Curious/Eager to learn; Perfectionist — can’t leave well enough alone; Bold under pressure.
Subtext Character Traits: Intimidated, Crafty
Subtext Identity: More than a Trophy Wife
Subtext Logline: Morgan is more than a trophy wife who pretends altruism while her work is a form of revenge against her husband.
Rhonda (ER Nurse)
Basic Character Traits: Pragmatic: War-weary; Caring; Domineering.
Subtext Character Traits: Motherly, Irritable
Logline: Rhonda is used to seeing abused women return to their abusers but feels powerless to truly help them.
Setup:
The Empowerment Guild: Morgan’s favorite fashion designer, Daniel Richards, has been abusing his wife Amber for some time. After Morgan tries to help Amber, Daniel gets a restraining order against her. She is now using mind control and intentional medicine (the Waterman Method) to help Amber escape from Daniel with her kids. She has gotten the members of her fiber arts guild (the Guild) to learn the Waterman Method and help women who come to Bridget’s women’s shelter.
Dialogue Structure: Two Different Conversations at the Same Time
SCENE
INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – TWO WEEKS LATER
The guild is meeting again but only RHONDA and MORGAN are there so far.
Rhonda gets out a pattern.
RHONDA
Maybe you can help me interpret these instructions. I don’t understand round three.
MORGAN
Sure, let me take a look.
RHONDA
By the way, Amber Richards came through the ER last night with a broken wrist.
Morgan pretends to focus on the pattern, but her eyes tear up.
MORGAN
Do you have the first two rounds done? Can I take a look at it?
RHONDA
Sure, let me grab it for you.
Rhonda fishes the new project out of her bag and hands it to Morgan.
RHONDA
We talked to her alone while we were fixing her up. I thought we’d talked her into pressing charges this time.
Amber looks up hopefully, but sees Rhonda’s resigned expression.
RHONDA
But then she spotted Daniel pacing in the hallway with the kids, waiting to take her home.
MORGAN
He was there? How awful. He’s a vicious slime worm who should be in jail.
Morgan looks back and forth from the pattern to the project, tugging and pulling a bit.
RHONDA
Experts say that by the time a woman gets broken bones, she’s at a much higher risk of being killed by her partner.
Morgan heaves a sigh, looks down, tears more evident now.
MORGAN
I think I see how to do this. Do you mind if I try it to see if I’m right? Then we’ll rip it out and you can do it so it will match your tension.
Rhonda signals her to go ahead. She watches Morgan work, then speaks again, her voice full of distress and hopelessness.
RHONDA
Daniel hovered around until we couldn’t stall any longer. We had to send her home with him. I hate that.
Morgan lets the project collapse into her lap.
MORGAN
It’s not right. We have to do more. I have to do more. I’ll find a way to help her.
Rhonda takes the project out of Morgan’s hands and looks at what she’s done.
RHONDA
Oh, I see how it’s supposed to work. Thank you, dear.
Rhonda looks up at Morgan, sympathetic to her distress. Morgan looks away, steely determination igniting in her eye.
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Amy’s Kick-Ass Dialogue!
What I learned doing this assignment is that you can make a scene that would be boring otherwise interesting by using the dialogue techniques we learned.
Andrea
Well-spoken
Image conscience
Playful
Competitive
Josh
inquisitive
Honest to a fault
Dad jokes
Self-censoring
Setup: Andrea has just come back from time travel. She was only gone long enough to see various things from her past, but when she came back, she came back one year into the future. This conversation is the first time that her and her husband, Josh have been alone together since she disappeared.
INT. – RESTAURANT – DAY
Andrea and Josh sit at a quiet, dimly-lit table in the corner of the restaurant. Andrea fidgets with her napkin. Josh stares at Andrea.
JOSH
I can’t believe it’s you, sitting right here in front of me.
ANDREA
Must be your lucky day.
Andrea waves to a LADY across the room who is staring at her with her jaw on the floor.
JOSH
What was it like?
ANDREA
Like watching your life flash before your eyes, literally.
JOSH
Do you remember Seth from the art museum?
ANDREA
I was only gone for a couple of hours. What about us, I mean now that I’m back?
JOSH
It was a whole year for us. Do you know that Seth was the one that stole the painting from the museum?
ANDREA
I mean you just don’t throw away sixteen years of marriage.
JOSH
He did it to get on the news, to get your attention! I really missed you.
ANDREA
It’s just not fair. If it hadn’t of been for that stupid machine, this never would have happened. Are you still going to marry Meagan?
JOSH
We arrested him, you know. For the theft and defrauding the police.
ANDREA
What about the kids? I’m their mother.
JOSH
Needless to say, he doesn’t work at the museum anymore. What parts of your life did you see?
ANDREA
JOSH! I don’t care about any of that! I want you to take me back! Forget about Meagan. I’m your wife.
Josh looks down and doesn’t speak for a long second.
JOSH
What about the kids, Andrea? Are you going to be a real mom to them now?
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Critique for Amy:
Really good scene! You hit all the beats and the dialogue techniques are all there; metaphors, silence at a strange time, two different conversations at the same time, countdown, contrasting dialogue, indirect prediction, implied consequences, confronting someone hiding from future consequence, writing emotionally.
Periodically (when I have extra time), I peruse submitted scenes from most of the Writers, and I want to tell you that I’ve enjoyed your sense of humor in your scenes.
Jodi Harrison
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Thank you very much, Jodi! Thanks for reading my scenes! Do you still need someone to critique your scene? If I can’t get to it today, I will try to do it tomorrow.
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Hi Amy,
Sure, that’d be great. This particular scene of mine could be polarizing and the subject matter of my script is as well, so if you are comfortable leaving a critique, it will be welcomed, if you’re not comfortable, it is okay, I totally understand.
Jodi
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I understand the ingredients of kickass dialogue but decided to stay open-minded with the following mess until I have nailed my ending. It is so hard to imagine all these virulent characters colliding with each other in my tiny locked-down NYC room during a global pandemic but Jake and Litonya were locked in their crucible until the kids arrived and Ibrahim and Betty were supposed to be poisoned until they are tied up. What a mess.
EXT. IBRAHIM’S YACHT – DAY
Kisele, Delphine, Anahu, and Aanadi arrive in a boat and board Ibrahim’s yacht. They fight with Ibrahim and Betty, weakened by some of the poison but not dead and tie them up. They release Jake and Litonya from the lower deck. After the initial embraces and hugs, they sit facing the two villains.JAKE
How could you do all this? Killed and raped at least ten young women including our beloved Felice, fixed your wife Natalia’s brakes so her car would crash in a snowstorm, attacked my wife Priceless who surprised you enough to stop temporarily and move to Manhattan where you set fire to rent stabilized apartments killing seniors or making them homeless like MC, dropped matches into outdoor restaurants, and sprayed sanitizer that was really condensed COVID that infected and killed the Feldmans,Silence.
JAKE
You killed your own son Joe and CS with that fire you set in the antique car.Silence.
ANAHU
Your own son burnt to death because you are a psychopath.BETTY
I did not murder him on purpose. He was my hero.JAKE
Collateral damage, like the seniors who burnt to death or were poisoned by your food boxes. Not just a psychopath, you are a sociopath.BETTY
I thought we made a deal. You have the Bright Space Brain Buffet.JAKE
Yeah, but then you locked us up.Betty laughs.
DELPHINE
The real sociopaths are STEMGARCHS. They have killed billions.IBRAHIM
Litonya, I thought you loved the earth more than anything.LITONYA
More than you.IBRAHIM
So you are a whore, marrying me for money.LITONYA
No, for Kisele’s future.JAKE
You married him?They ignore his question.
IBRAHIM
He won’t have one. Sacrifices must be made to save the earth. Otherwise, no one lives.ANAHU
You are sociopaths.JAKE
Your footpath was a bloodbath not a steambath, but STEMGARCHS is a warpath.
ANAHU
We know your crimes Betty but now we must uncover Ibrahim’s secrets.
DELPHINE
Dad, I always thought STEMGARCHS was helping humanity.KISELE
Some humans.IBRAHIM
STEMGARCHS is a human organization—not God’s angels.DELPHINE
I thought you gave up on God.Orhan and Nikos arrive. Orhan plays his Sufi flute and Nikos says he has been listening to figure out what to do.
NIKOS
If we kill them, we are murderers. If they go to jail, taxpapers waste their precious money. The Greeks would have recommended that they drink hemlock of their own accord.IBRAHIM
What if Kisele replaces me as CEO?
NIKOS
He might be crucified by the rest of the genocidal team.ANAHU
What part of the brain is damaged in psychopaths?DELPHINE
The study showed that psychopaths have reduced connections between the ventromedial prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for sentiments such as empathy and guilt, and the amygdala, which mediates fear and anxiety. MAO-A is a gene is responsible for making a protein that breaks down certain types of chemical mean impaired mirror neuron system — that is, difficulties with the neurons that, in a healthy brain, activate both when we perceive someone else doing an action and when we do that same action ourselves. Hormones such as dopamine, noradrenalin, and serotonin, which are all linked to mood and the ventromedial and anterior cingulate sectors of PFC are theorized to mediate social and affective decision-making functions that appear to be disrupted in psychopathy. While psychopaths show a specific lack in emotions, such as anxiety, fear, and sadness, they can feel other emotions, such as happiness, joy, surprise and disgust, in a similar way as most of us would.AANADI
We know the BBBB balances hormones, but everyone is a bit different.IBRAHIM
When you are too ethical, you are run into the ground. Be smart.
AANADI
It is always nature and nurture because there are neuroscientists whose brains look the same as psychopathic murderers.BETTY
I had a terrible childhood, abandoned by parents, placed with the nuns to kill my religion forever, and then adopted by morticians who put me to work as a slave. I had a technical mind but no college education. I was beaten up by gangs in my E Harlem neighborhood, so we moved into a back portion of our funeral parlor. My first orgasm was over a dead body. When I moved to New Paltz, the almost naked rock climbers fueled my fantasies and the wilderness hid my crimes. When I moved back to Manhattan, my only job was secretly setting fires, spraying COVID sanitizer, and poisoning food to get rid of seniors, homeless, and other non-essential humans. Ibrahim gave me some respect and boats. I did some good things for my son and Priceless, both dead now, and taught Kisele about boats. When I became a woman, my testosterone no longer fueled violent crime.IBRAHIM
So you killed sweetly.
AANADI
Psychopaths and sociopaths will never feel compassion. Compassion melts the obesity of grief, letting the fat fry with a gentle fire. Only many humans will never have compassion. Compassion fatigue is something I know well. Porous boundaries or too shielded in PPE.BETTY
So compassion is something you can run of, like natural gas?
ANAHU
We know Leo/BB/Betty’s crimes but why do you become a sociopath Ibrahim?
IBRAHIM
Agreed that I had a privileged childhood, adolescence, career, and financial and emotional support but when Hurricane Ida demolished my family—BETTY
Liar. We were squirting COVID from the beginning.IBRAHIM
Like Litonya, I wanted to save the earth and it was a way to depopulate. I didn’t understand all of the implications because I am not a bio scientist but an engineer.BETTY
Bullshit.IBRAHIM
If you divorce me or kill me, you won’t get the estate you wantedLITONYA
For Kisele.KISELE
Maybe I don’t want his polluted hierarchy. Let his sandcastles flatten into the sea. Genocides to save the earth are not my values. I would rather be a poor hiker.NIKOS
Agreed that we won’t live forever and most will not make it to the twenty second century, but what do we do with two criminals? Hemlock is the best solution.ORHAN
Or spin till you stop –dead—released into the universe.IBRAHIM
Blasphemy. If you imprison me or kill me, STEMGARCHS can retaliate and torture you and yours for the rest of the century.BETTY
Or longer.
ANAHU
Leo/BB should have been convicted in the twentieth century and none of this would have happened.Apologies are useless unless there is public exposure and apology with speeches to stop further assaults. Prison increases crime and costs too much. The criminal justice system is another cog in the economy. It is horrible for victims and taxpayers.
NIKOS
Humans love thrillers, mysteries, or dramas about humans more tortured than they are. What does it take to end a story or terminate a job?
LITONYA
Things never really end. They are recycled like rocks.The following conversation is simultaneous and synchronous, so it is hard to know what words are attached to who. The effect is like maggots swarming around a fresh corpse. Why this fuss about living forever? Telomeres shorten, snip off, and cells break down. Like cars.
I thought you hated cars.
It’s an analogy.
Health is a temporary gift in short shrift like spring lilies until you drift into the land of the stiffs.
I thought hospices were in charge of healthy dying.
No. They make dying bearable for survivors. And they need to make a living too.
Like maggots.
Sort of. But hospices are cleaner.
Sometimes.
When people die, they pee and poop and smell horrible.
Brain buffet is to make our brains better while we are living so we don’t have all these geriatric vegetables to care for.
I thought it also helped mental illness.
Yes. It helps. But doesn’t cure.
Some of the greatest leaders in history have been mentally ill—Churchill, Napoleon, Hitler, Stalin, Mao
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I welcome a critique exchange.
BOB SMITH’S KICK-ASS DIALOGUE
What I learned doing this assignment is…?
The application of skills in making dialogue colorful.
Characters and Traits of two lead characters:
Emil Jannings – Star of “The Blue Angel” playing the part of Professor Rath.
Jealous
Imperious
Fearful (of losing star status to Dietrich)
Immature
Marlene Dietrich – Actress playing the part of Lola Lola in “The Blue Angel.”
Ambitious
Subservient (to Director Josef von Sternberg, her lover and mentor)
Contemptuous (of lead actor, Emil Jannings)
People-skilled
SET UP: The Wrap Party at the conclusion of filming “The Blue Angel.” The last persons at the party are DIETRICH and JANNINGS who have had a feud but patched things up for the sake of the film. Their two concluding scenes (Dietrich – “Falling in Love Again” and Jannings’ tragic professor dying at his old school desk) were so profound.
DIALOGUE: Anticipatory Dialogue
INT. STUDIO SET OF “THE BLUE ANGEL” – DAY
The Wrap Party comes to an end. DIETRICH and JANNINGS who have had a feud but patched things up for the sake of the film now come together and speak.
DIETRICH
Emil, I congratulate you for your outstanding performance
as the Professor. Your last scene of the Professor dying
moved me to tears.
JANNINGS
Why, Marlene, thank you kindly. Well, your last scene, singing, “Falling in love again” was so elating and definitive of Lola Lola’s character, I believe it will become your signature song as an entertainer. Sternberg and you will form a great partnership in Hollywood.. You will love Paramount and California. I wish you success. I only wish I could go back to Hollywood. But Hollywood no longer wants me in “talkies.” You know – the accent.
DIETRICH
It’s unfortunate but maybe with my accent I can pave the way for your return. Meanwhile, what are your plans?
JANNINGS
Wait for the phone to ring. Dr. Hirschfeld gave a convincing prophesy that they are Germany’s inevitable rulers. And Hugenberg says my phone will ring with a call from Nazi propaganda films. God forbid.
DIETRICH
Not even God can overrule a tyranny that is foolishly sought by the German people.
JANNINGS
But to refuse to work in their films, if the phone rings, could have a price. The penalty for non-collaboration could result in prison or worse.
DIETRICH
Another reason I am glad to leave for a free country where I plan to become a citizen and do everything I can to condemn the Nazis and their propaganda.
JANNINGS
I hope you succeed. I crank out the scheise.
DIETRICH
And I flush it.
JANNINGS
Good for you. I would also, if I went with you and Joe to Hollywood. But Hollywood itself has exiled me because of my accent.
DIETRICH
I’d still come up with another plan, Emil. Try Holland, France or England. I can’t live in Germany anymore. The German people and I speak a different language. But don’t work for those stormtrooping hoodlums. Nazism may come to an end sooner than you think. And you will have questions to answer about your relationship with them.
JANNINGS
It is a risk I shall have to assume.
DIETRICH
Good Luck.
JANNINGS
And to you, Good Luck.
Dietrich and Jannings clink in a toast and have a pleasant departing in contrast to the feud they had had during production.
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Hey Bob,
Great scene! Like to warring enemies shaking hands after a hard fought battle. I like that they find some common ground. I think my only critique is it’s all dialogue and no action. Not that it needs a ton of action. The place it feels most necessary is when Jannings is angry with himself over his accent. Maybe Janning’s could show a little anger towards himself. Just a thought.
Great job as always,
Rob Bertrand
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Thank you, again, Rob, for your supportive words and suggestion. I am going ahead on my script to bring it to completion. The headaches i mentioned in my email to you I know I’ll get over and I won’t let them stand in the way of the progress of this script.
Please excuse my whiney email.
Best also to you as you progress with your gem.
Peace,
Bob
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Jodi’s Kick-Ass Dialogue! – Day 10
Incorporating as many tools for dialogue as possible, can make an interesting (in this case here, a possible polarizing) scene.
Pamela KARRAs: Tenacious, Compassionate, Logical, Aggressive. Subtext: Fairness for all
THOMAS WELLES: Devout, Congenial, Neutralizing. Subtext: Preventive
It is the annual church picnic. Pastor Thomas is playing a game of baseball with his congregation. He has disowned Pam, his Daughter, for bringing shame upon the family for what he believes to be her non-religious stance of pro-choice.
Dialogue Structure: Metaphoric
EXT. A PARK, BASEBALL FIELD – DAY
It’s a very casual game, no serious players here, just friends and Pastor Thomas’ congregation. Pam sneaks a way closer to her Dad, so she can talk to him. He is first baseman. She is in left field and negotiates with center field.
PAM: Would you mind if I switch you spots, this batter usually hits beyond third, I’m a lousy catcher.
CENTER: Sure, no problem Pam.
PAM: Thank you.
With that Center walks to left field. Then she walks to right field and asks the same of him. Right fielder walks to Center and Pam is now next to her Father.
PAM: Hi Dad.
No response from Thomas.
PAM: Hi Dad.
Thomas clearly hears her but ignores her again.
THOMAS: Eye on the prize, eye on the prize, hey batter, batter.
PAM: Dad, I’m not going away, please talk to me.
Thomas looks at her with disappointment, then turns back towards the game.
PAM: Please.
She sounds hurt which melts his heart a little.
PAM: Why is it so wrong for me to stand up for what I believe in? Isn’t that what you’ve always taught us to do?
THOMAS: This isn’t the time Pam.
PAM: This seems to be the best time. I’ve tried to talk to you before and you won’t. I’m sorry I had to corner you here, but I had no choice.
THOMAS: You’re hitting too big Pam. You might get a curve ball. I’m scared for you.
The click of a bat hitting a ball is heard. Smack. CHERRY, the batter runs towards first base where Thomas stands.
PAM: Dad, when haven’t I been able to handle a situation? I have a couple of months to work on it. I think you’re way off base. Good hit Cherry.
Cherry smiles standing on first base waiting for the next batter to hit. Thomas moves closer to Pam, talking low at first so Cherry won’t hear.
THOMAS: Honey, right off the bat you pissed off the wrong people going on TV like you did and protecting that abortionist. The Governor’s office can play hardball Pam, he’s a heavy hitter who consistently hits it out of the park. I’m just scared for you is all.
Cherry pretends not to hear but she does. Smack, the crack of the bat hitting the ball is heard again. Cherry runs off of first base towards second as SAM, the new batter runs towards first. Thomas is next to the base with his mitt.
PAM: No, it’s more than that Dad.
Thomas catches the ball that is thrown to him and Sam is struck out.
THOMAS: Sorry Sam.
Sam nods as he walks off towards the dugout.
THOMAS (cont.): Now, why would you want to open up that can of worms? You come out of left field with this, how are we supposed to react? Yes, I vehemently oppose your view, it’s not how I raised you–
Smack. Another ball is hit as JOE, the newest batter runs for first base, Thomas is standing by it.
PAM: You raised me to care about others. To have empathy, not just sympathy, to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. I ask that you do the same, and think about what this means to the millions of soon forgotten children that are not even born yet, or the woman who will be put into instant poverty.
Joe is safe and on the base.
PAM: You know there are women who get death threats for having to rely financially on the very system this ban created right? Taxpayers don’t want to pay for her and their kids, they just want them to be born.
JOE: Sad but true, a million?
Thomas looks at Joe perturbed.
PAM (cont.): If not more. Good hit Joe.
Smack, another ball is hit. Joe starts running towards second base as DONNA now runs towards first base.
THOMAS: A million!? Don’t you think you’re exaggerating a bit Pam? (beat) You’re biting off more than you can chew young lady.
Donna arrives at first base safely.
THOMAS: Good job Donna. Exodus–
PAM: Forget bible verses Dad, this is a democracy, the real world. Your people want to legislate that more women and children suffer these burdens, just to force them to have the unwanted baby, so you can what? What Dad?
DONNA: Uh, pretty serious for a ball game aren’t we?
Pam looks at Donna and changes her tone a little bit.
PAM: You raised me to have family values. What do family values mean to you Dad?
THOMAS/DONNA: Hey batter, batter, hey batter, batter, swing!
The crack of the bat hitting the ball is heard again as Donna swiftly moves off of first base towards second. Thomas again stands next to first base and catches the ball into his mitt. As the batter runs towards first Thomas tags him out.
PAM: And yes, millions, when the other states adopt this ban, over years to come. It adds up. What kind of religious values are in dictating a child must be born into this world knowing the reality that the child will most likely suffer? One in ten will be the fortunate ones of course, but those are horrible odds that we’re forcing on children to be born into. So, what Dad? What values? And why do people care more about controlling a woman’s body than the lifetime welfare of the soon to be born child? Religion again?
Thomas and Pam’s impassioned voices are rising.
THOMAS: Cause God created them. He said so. He created their life.
PAM: That’s it!? An embryo is not a life, it is an egg, a fetus is not a formed life until it can sustain itself out of the womb.
THOMAS: It is the sanctity of life. God said so!
They stop and become cognizant of those around them, everyone is stopped and watching and listening to them. Thomas smiles, laughs and hugs onto his Daughter as if nothing is wrong.
THOMAS: We’re sorry, please everyone, please let’s get back to the game.
People nod and slowly start into the baseball game again. BOBBY is up to bat, ball chatter is heard. Smack, the bat hits the ball. Bobby runs for first base as Thomas assumes his position.
PAM: (whispering) That’s your religious belief. This is not an uneducated puritan society as it was back in the dark ages Dad. We govern by the people in a democratic society, not by religion. Everybody’s religion is different.
Bobby lands on first base safely.
PAM (cont.): Good one Bobby. And you know some people aren’t even religious at all, and we are going to tell them how to live their lives? It’s all rooted from white patriarchy and them knowing they’re slowly losing their power. You know that (beat) right?
BOBBY: Amen to that Sister.
THOMAS: I don’t want to hear that women’s lib stuff.
PAM: It’s pure fact Dad.
BOBBY: Yes, it is.
PAM: Do the research.
THOMAS: Pam, you know public speaking is not in your wheelhouse. Sure, you’re okay on a one to one, but honey, you’re gonna get ripped to shreds in a bigger forum. Satan is sitting on your shoulder on this one, let your better angel knock him off please, before you make a fool of yourself and destroy our congregation.
BOBBY: Yes siree, you got to cast out those demons.
PAM: I am Dad, that’s why I’m doing this.
Crack of the bat and ball is heard
BOBBY: Ciao.
Bobby starts running for second base.
THOMAS: You’ve always been too big for your britches.
PAM: The bible says Thou shalt kill people for committing such crimes as cursing one’s father or mother, for being a stubborn son, for picking up sticks on the Sabbath, to name a few.
The new batter approaches first base as Thomas tags him out. The batter turns for the dugout.
PAM (cont.): That’s far from protecting the sanctity of life Dad. How about Numbers 25 when the Lord casually orders Moses to massacre 24,000 Israelites to hang the heads of the people up before the Lord against the sun. Clearly, the bible is not pro-life! Psalms 137:9 Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. Pro Life you cry!
THOMAS: (shouts) Pam, I don’t want to argue about this. You try my very last nerve and you’re ruining my game!
PAM: I don’t understand the double speak hypocrisy Dad, please enlighten me!
THOMAS: I told you. Enough! Now, either be quiet or LEAVE.
Pam stops and stares at him. The crack of the bat and ball hitting together is heard.
UMPIRE: Foul ball!
THOMAS: Now, without any further discussion, my suggestion to you is to play small ball for a while before you even think about stepping into the big leagues.
PAM: Dad you got to step up to the plate and go for a homer or go out trying, no small ball.
THOMAS:
Well, it could be a colossal swing and miss.-
Critique of Jodi’s Scene
Hi Jodi,
Truthfully, this was difficult to read, but I still think you did a good job of using advanced dialogue techniques. You have the one big metaphor of a baseball game as Jodi’s’ activism, and you have smaller metaphors throughout. I also think you made good use of anticipatory dialogue. Pam and Thomas’s character traits come through in their dialogue pretty strongly. Good job there. Both of their world views present themselves in a strong way as well. Good job.
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Thank you for powering through it Amy, I appreciate it and your comments!
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Emmanuel’s Kick-Ass Dialogue
What I learned doing this assignment is dialogue is key to the screenwriting puzzle and there are various techniques to allow every character’s dialogue to shine.
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