-
Day 10 – Exchange Feedback
Reply to exchange feedback with students.
-
30 Replies
-
Emmanuel’s Query Letter Draft ONE
What I learned from this assignment is writing query letters is a craft itself and learning the process to get it right is crucial to long-term success as a screenwriter.
-
Since Emmanuel is the only post so far, I will critique his. I agree that writing query letters is an art, that minimalism can be even more challenging than writing 300,000 words like I just did for a trilogy of novels. Every word is a bullet that can be turned for or against you. Unfortunately, it is the same with literary fiction. I have been published many times without an agent but this is no longer possible and the competition is fierce although the work is not necessarily better.
I redrafted my screenplay query letter based on Hal’s hook lesson, but this cannot go out until the novels are contracted. They are copyrighted, and publishers must agree to the adaptation, one reason I want Penguin Random House Doubleday Knopf instead of postmodern literary presses that go out of print and have no media clout.
But I can write these kind of informal letters to NYC producers and stars:
Dear Robert,
I loved performing in “A Bronx Tale” and am delighted you have a place in the Gunks where my rock trilogy of novels and adaptations to the screen takes place. The first novel is Climb and Punishment, narrated by Sedimentary Shawangunk, the second Come to Magnificent Metamorphic Manhattan by Schist, Marble, and Gneiss, and the third Seismic Seesaw by the Magma Monsters locked down in the Palisades.
What happens when Jake La Roche, a fitness professional, is forced to make friends with BB/Betty a serial killer/rapist/arsonist and Ibrahim, the CEO of STEMGARCHS, to get their Bright Space Brain Buffet to save him from Parkinson’s and his parents from ALS and Alzheimer’s?
Transform, the screen adaptation of my third novel is a tandem-competitive narrative between fitness star Jake and the Magma Monsters from the COVID pandemic of 2020 flashing forward through diseases, deaths, fires, and floods to 2040, showing how similar rich New Yorkers are to the homeless. I have lived among both.
Jake wants so badly for people to listen to him that he is thrown out of college for plagiarism by Prof Ibrahim, rapes Ibrahim’s wife in retaliation, and ironically gives him sperm to make his family when they move from Historic Huguenot Street (the oldest in America) to the Summit high rise in Manhattan. Ibrahim wants power so much that he gives up Islam when Hurricane Ida pancakes his penthouse in the Summit and becomes CEO of STEMGARCHS, a one percent global organization doing illegal research. BB or Boat Bob wants so much to hide and recover from his crimes that he becomes Betty in old age and is forced to work as a population-reducer for STEMGARCHS. Litonya Lenape, a geologist and outstanding rock climber, wants so much to save the earth that she killed her father for fracking and secretly marries Ibrahim so that her son Kisele can have the money and power for Global Greens even though she loves having sex with Jake more than anyone else in the world.
I transitioned from acting and dance to writing novels, screenplays, and poetry. I am published, optioned, and produced. I am an expert in fitness, neurogenerative diseases, homelessness, and researched NYC geology and tourism!
I look forward to hearing from you and yours.
Julia
-
Hi, Julia. Would you like to exchange feedback. I could use some help.
-
Hi Julia. Thank you for your helpful feedback. Apologies for the delay.
You are absolutely correct that I really need to do Hal’s Hook exercise. It was much more difficult than I anticipated. My query letter is far too narrative and dull.
You have a very elaborate concept. I’m intrigued as this world you are creating, while not overly far-fetched, is vast and the narrative spans entire lifetimes.
However, it is a bit confusing. I had to reread it a couple of times. I have to assume that a producer would not bother to read it again. It should strike on the first go.
Right off the bat, you introduce three characters and their roles/occupations, two obscure organizations, and the three major neurodegenerative disorders. It’s a lot to take in. You can elaborate further within your query. Your first hook probably could be streamlined.
Example: What happens when Jake La Roche, a fitness professional, is forced to make friends with BB/Betty a murderous psychopath and Ibrahim, the head of a corrupt mega-corporation, to get their non-profit to save him and his parents from a genetic terminal illness?
It’s essentially the same sentence but I trimmed it to read more quickly. You can convey the details later.
As for the synopsis, it has plenty of hooks. Every character is either sacrificing something or committing an evil act to obtain what they want or need. You are jumping from 2020 to 2040 for each of their stories but I think you do a good job of keeping it brief. My one critique is the redundancy of the two words “so much”. Ibrahim wants power so much… Boat Bob wants so much to hide… Litonya wants so much to save the Earth… These sentences are consecutive. When you rewrite this, as you already planned to, it would be wise to use a thesaurus. Ibrahim is so hungry for power… Boat bob is desperate to hide and recover… Litonya’s intensely devout mission to save the Earth drives her to kill her father for fracking.
Hope this helps. And thanks again.
-
-
Amy’s Query Letter (draft 2)
What I learned doing this assignment is I’m starting to see the difference between a hook and me just telling the story. I feel like some of this is me just telling the story, but the rest doesn’t make sense without it.
Hello Producer,
What would you do if you accidently ended up a year into the future and your whole life was taken from you?
Andrea Richards is an ambitious local reporter who continuously neglects her husband Josh, son Benjamin and daughter Chloe. She dreams of working for the network. On the day the town university’s new supercollider goes into operation, Andrea is there to cover the story. She accidently gets sucked into the machine and goes traveling through time to different points in her past. When she finally pops back out of the machine, she finds herself completely alone in the science lab. Andrea soon realizes that she has landed one year into the future. She’s been missing for a whole year and Josh has become engaged to Meagan, the teaching assistant who was present on the day she got sucked into the supercollider.
Andrea attempts to rebuild her life and be a real wife to Josh and mom to Benjamin and Chloe, but she mostly fails due to being torn between them and trying to get her career back. In the meantime, she does some digging and learns that Meagan was researching time travel with the supercollider. Andrea confronts Meagan, then tries to push her in the supercollider. She fails. This angers Josh, and he asks for a divorce.
On the night of Chloe’s dance recital, a fire breaks out at the science lab. Andrea is torn between covering the fire or attending Chloe’s dance recital. She starts out covering the fire and learns that the professor saw Meagan slip out of the building just before the fire. She leads the police to the dance recital where they take Meagan in for questioning. Andrea chooses to stay and watch Chloe’s dance recital, which gets her fired. This change in Andrea automatically causes her to be transported back to the science lab in 2022. She goes straight home and vows to spend more time with her family. Now she covers things like her daughter’s play which gets the attention of the network and gets her a job offer as their cultural reporter. Her dream of working for the network came true after all and she is reunited with her family.
I have a Master’s degree in Script & Screenwriting from Regent University in Virginia Beach. Additionally, I placed as a semifinalist in the ScreenCraft Family-Friendly Screenplay Contest and as a Second Rounder at AFF. Finally, I spend four years working in broadcast news.
If this concept appeals to you, I’d be happy to send you the script. You can reach me at contact@writeamy.com or 703-943-7372.
-
Hi, Amy. A little last minute. But would you like to exchange feedback? Mine needs help.
-
Hi Pablo,
That would be great!
Amy
-
-
Hi Amy,
Would you critique my query letter? I couldn’t find the ‘Partner Up here’ forum to request critiques. I could use some help shortening it but keeping important hooks in it. I’ve critiqued yours below. If for any reason something doesn’t make sense that I wrote, please feel free to contact me for clarification at jhonthego4@gmail.com.
Amy, I bolded the hooks I found with comments below, I’m sure I missed some, I’m still learning how to find them.
What would you do if you accidentally ended up a year into the future and your whole life was taken from you?
– Good and scary opening hook
Andrea Richards is an ambitious local reporter who continuously neglects her husband Josh, son Benjamin and daughter Chloe. She dreams of working for the network. On the day the town university’s new supercollider goes into operation, Andrea is there to cover the story. She accidentally gets sucked into the machine and goes traveling through time to different points in her past. When she finally pops back out of the machine, she finds herself completely alone in the science lab. Andrea soon realizes that she has landed one year into the future. She’s been missing for a whole year and Josh has become engaged to Meagan, the teaching assistant who was present on the day she got sucked into the supercollider.
– I like the character of Andrea, with this premise the film would give a lot of situations that Andrea eventually learns from.
– To make it a tad shorter maybe use: “who continuously neglects her family” as this is an overview, and trying to create as much ‘white space’ as possible is our goal. My query letter is too long too.
– Traveling through time makes an interesting story. Who didn’t love ‘back to the future’.
– My, that was fast of Josh to become engaged so quickly. Very intriguing sentence as this does bring the questions to a reader; Did he really love Andrea? Was Meagan conniving, putting the moves on Josh continually behind Andrea’s back? How did Meagan weasel her way into Josh’s life and for what reason?
Andrea attempts to rebuild her life and be a real wife to Josh and mom to Benjamin and Chloe, but she mostly fails due to being torn between them and trying to get her career back. In the meantime, she does some digging and learns that Meagan was researching time travel with the supercollider. Andrea confronts Meagan, then tries to push her in the supercollider. She fails. This angers Josh, and he asks for a divorce.
– Mostly fails is a real problem most people can relate to when it comes to attempting to balance family and work.
– Ah ha! I knew Meagan was up to no good.
On the night of Chloe’s dance recital, a fire breaks out at the science lab. Andrea is torn between covering the fire or attending Chloe’s dance recital. She starts out covering the fire and learns that the professor saw Meagan slip out of the building just before the fire. She leads the police to the dance recital where they take Meagan in for questioning. Andrea chooses to stay and watch Chloe’s dance recital, which gets her fired. This change in Andrea automatically causes her to be transported back to the science lab in 2022. She goes straight home and vows to spend more time with her family. Now she covers things like her daughter’s play which gets the attention of the network and gets her a job offer as their cultural reporter. Her dream of working for the network came true after all and she is reunited with her family.
– With the goal of keeping our queries short, the story info from:
‘She starts out covering….to which gets her fired’ is part of the story but is not needed ‘hook’ wise. One idea: “…or attending Chloe’s dance recital. Choosing the latter, Andrea is fired”.
– That’s a nice message: Do what’s in your heart and you can’t go wrong, you might even land the job of your dreams.
I have a Master’s degree in Script & Screenwriting from Regent University in Virginia Beach. Additionally, I placed as a semifinalist in the ScreenCraft Family-Friendly Screenplay Contest and as a Second Rounder at AFF. Finally, I spent four years working in broadcast news.
– Very nice: Relaying your expertise and skill which is perfect for your script.
– The letter flows well.
– End hook? Taken from above is a possibilty : ‘You might even land the career of your dreams’. Just a random thought for an ending hook.
– There were no parts that were confusing. Your flow was in a nice chronological order.
If
this concept appeals to you, I’d be happy to send you the script. You can reach
me at contact@writeamy.com or
703-943-7372. -
Amy! So sorry for the delay.
I agree that integrating the hooks while ensuring the story makes sense is quite the challenge. What your query letter lacks in hooks, it makes up for in a fluid synopsis. I was able to read it once to get the whole picture.
Your strongest hook is the first question: What would you do? Stepping back into your own life when everyone thought you were dead/missing would be surreal. Kind of like The Blip in the Marvel Cinematic Universe or when Chuck is rescued after four years on an island in Cast Away. How would one fall back in the groove of things?
The synopsis is a smidge long. And if I’m being honest here, I don’t love the idea of Meagan being the antagonist. Seeing as how Andrea was already neglecting her family to begin with, losing a year seemed like punishment for that neglect. I saw Andrea as her own enemy, much like Scrooge in A Christmas Carol. Like Scrooge, she bounces around at different points of her past, then the future, and then she magically jumps back to 2022 (which I don’t totally understand btw), she learns a valuable lesson and gets that second chance to make up for lost time. “Merry Christmas! Everyone!” But I guess that is neither here nor there as that would entail rewriting your entire screenplay. So back to the query letter…
There is some fat you can trim as there are some unnecessary bits and redundancies in your synopsis. For example, you use “sucked into” and you mention that it had been a year twice in the first paragraph. There are sentences you can combine to move this along a bit quicker.
“Andrea Richards is a local reporter who continuously neglects her family due to her sole ambition of working for the network. On the day the university’s new supercollider goes into operation, Andrea is there to cover the story. She accidentally gets sucked into the machine and goes traveling through time to different points in her past. When she finally pops back out, she finds herself alone in the science lab and soon realizes that she’s been missing for an entire year. In that time, her husband has become engaged to Meagan, the teaching assistant who was present on the day she disappeared.”
As you can see I changed very little in that first paragraph. All I really did was delete. And while I did take out the names of some key characters, it focuses on your two most important characters: Andrea and Meagan, the protagonist and antagonist. I would advise that you continue to cut out unnecessary sentences and combine some of parts of the story in order to cut to the chase. Another example is the phrase “torn between” which you use twice as Andrea tries to find the balance between work and family. I’m certain you find a way to say that only once. Of course, it is your letter and you will make any edits as you see fit.
Forgive me if I’ve stepped too far in suggesting this change, but I do believe it does help create more intrigue given the lack of hooks. This is the conundrum I’m facing with my query letter as well.
Hope this helps. And thanks again.
-
-
Pablo’s Query Letter
What I learned: I think I can make this shorter. It is quite a challenge to write a short synopsis. Also, I really need to enter into some contests. I have nothing for my bio.
Hi (Producer),
Hope your week is going well. I’ve got a pulse-pounding suspense thriller called “La Ventura” that I think would be great for (Production Studio).
There’s a new, hit gameshow online: Illegal immigrants running for the border. Place your bets.
When her husband is murdered over unpaid gambling debts, Irma Ventura and her sons have no choice but to cut and run towards the border to elude the clutches of the drug-lord responsible, Sapo Salazar. Upon discovering their escape, Sapo reaches out to his drug-runner in El Paso, Frank Kazakowski. Frank oversees an elaborate operation that uses drones to smuggle contraband into the US. and Sapo asks him to use his “buzzards” to help him locate Irma in the Chihuahua Desert. But after getting caught shipping drugs by the Border Patrol, Frank is forced to use his drones to help catch illegal immigrants or else be sent to prison. So, Frank comes up with an idea: With dozens of drones at his disposal, Frank and his crew create a gambling ring on the darkweb that livestreams migrants attempting to cross the El Rio Grande. All the while, fooling the U.S. agency into thinking he is simply keeping surveillance.
Irma and her sons struggle as they make the trek through the hot desert. Along the way however, they find packages with food, water and supplies. They soon discover it is drones that have been dropping them off. What they don’t know is they are now contestants on a twisted, online game show and these drones are leading them straight to a Border Patrol Station as a captivated audience watches their every move. By the time Irma realizes this, she and her family are a stones throw from U.S. soil. To ensure their safety, Irma must lure the drones away so her sons can safely make it across. In her daring attempt to bait the drones, Irma tragically falls off a cliff and dies. Upon crossing the border wall, her sons are immediately detained and because they are minors without a guardian, they are taken to a refugee facility where they are to be looked after until they are 18. Viewers leak the footage to the media and Irma’s story gains national news coverage. There is an outpour of support for Irma’s sons as several Latino families volunteer for foster care. Frank and his crew are arrested, Sapo is left with nothing and the Border Patrol is caught in a shocking scandal.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Pablo Soriano
(310)628-8875
-
Hi Pablo,
You have a good hook at the beginning. I tried to figure where you could cut information, but it all seems important. It’s only two paragraphs, so it might be okay. One thing I would do, is go back and look at the hooks you wrote out when you did that assignment and make sure you are just using those and resist the temptation to tell the story. I think I have the same problem in mine though. It’s hard to just use the hooks because then the story doesn’t make sense. I hope this helps.
-
Hi Pablo,
Would you critique my query letter? I couldn’t find the “Partner up” forum to post a request for critique on. I could use some help shortening mine but keeping important hooks in it. I’ve critiqued yours below. If for any reason something doesn’t make sense that I wrote, please feel free to contact me for clarification.
Pablo, I bolded the hooks I found with comments below, I’m sure I missed some, I’m still learning how to find them.
Pablo’s Query Letter
Hope your week is going well. I’ve got a pulse-pounding suspense thriller called “La Ventura” that I think would be great for (Production Studio).
– I’d just start right in with “I’ve got a pulse-pounding….”
There’s a new hit game show online: Illegal immigrants running for the border. Place your bets.
– Nice opening intro hook, but could use a little more description: What are they running for? running for their lives to the border? running to freedom? running for ?
– I really like the character of Irma, a strong women who takes the bull by the horns. I’m rooting for her.
When her husband is murdered over unpaid gambling debts, Irma Ventura and her sons have no choice but to cut and run towards the border to elude the clutches of the drug-lord responsible, Sapo Salazar. Upon discovering their escape, Sapo reaches out to his drug-runner in El Paso, Frank Kazakowski. Frank oversees an elaborate operation that uses drones to smuggle contraband into the US. and Sapo asks him to use his “buzzards” to help him locate Irma in the Chihuahua Desert. But after getting caught shipping drugs by the Border Patrol, Frank is forced to use his drones to help catch illegal immigrants or else be sent to prison. So, Frank comes up with an idea: With dozens of drones at his disposal, Frank and his crew create a gambling ring on the darkweb that livestreams migrants attempting to cross the El Rio Grande. All the while, fooling the U.S. agency into thinking he is simply keeping surveillance.
– In keeping with our challenge to make as much white space on the query page as possible, here are a couple of ideas I had when reading the paragraph.
– From (I put it in italics) “Upon discovering…..to ….by the Border Patrol”, is part of your story but not the hooks. An idea: Once discovering their escape, Sapo, has his drug runner Frank, search for Irma with his buzzard drones.
– Frank is forced to use his drones to help catch illegal immigrants or else be sent to prison by Border Patrol. You could go right into the next paragraph: “Frank and his crew…..keeping surveillance.”
Irma and her sons struggle as they make the trek through the hot desert. Along the way however, they find packages with food, water and supplies. They soon discover it is drones that have been dropping them off. What they don’t know is they are now contestants on a twisted, online game show and these drones are leading them straight to a Border Patrol Station as a captivated audience watches their every move.
By the time Irma realizes this, she and her family are a stones throw from U.S. soil. To ensure their safety, Irma must lure the drones away so her sons can safely make it across. In her daring attempt to bait the drones, Irma tragically falls off a cliff and dies.
Upon crossing the border wall, her sons are immediately detained and because they are minors without a guardian, they are taken to a refugee facility where they are to be looked after until they are 18. Viewers leak the footage to the media and Irma’s story gains national news coverage. There is an outpour of support for Irma’s sons as several Latino families volunteer for foster care. Frank and his crew are arrested, Sapo is left with nothing and the Border Patrol is caught in a shocking scandal.
– Very interesting story, and I really like the message people caring with heart. People coming to the rescue of the boys, that they care, and that Irma’s story gains national publicity.
– I think this paragraph could also be shortened even though it has a lot of hooks in it. I put paragraph breaks where they would normally be as the story shifts (above).
– One suggestion to shorten: After ‘immediately detained” You could shorten it by continuing from there with: As minors, they are placed in a refugee facility until they become adults. It shortens the sentence a little bit. Just a suggestion.
– There were words you could shift around to shorten the sentences a bit in this paragraph. Every bit of shortening helps, of course, as long as it doesn’t compromise the story you’re telling in your query letter.
– You query letter flows well and tells the story from the beginning to the end. Nice job.
– There weren’t any confusing moments, it all was very clear reading.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
-
Jodi, so sorry for the late reply. This was SUPER helpful. I’ll be sure to return the favor by today.
-
Hi Pablo,
I just posted my Draft three, I wasn’t able to replace draft two for some odd reason, usually we can go to the edit option, but none came up today, so if you haven’t looked at my D2 yet, would you look at D3 instead for me? It saved under the comments after D2. I still want to cut a few words (if not a line) out of the ‘description’ areas if it can use a little shortening. Thank you Pablo.
-
-
-
-
Budinscak Query Letter Draft ONE
Day 10
What I learned doing this assignment:
o Keep it simple – short and sweet – and use your hooks.
REQUEST FOR CRITIQUE EXCHANGE
Producer,
In 1988, two preteen nephews are forever changed after a cross-country trip with their Uncle Jack in his Cadillac.
Questioned by a local crime boss, Jack denies he saw the body bag move – he did – and lies about stealing money – he was, he’s then presented with a choice; either personally deliver a package or Carmine’s, his family’s restaurant, will perish in a fire. Jack agrees to make the delivery.
The trip to Atlantic City is a breeze from upstate NY, no problem at all. What Jack didn’t realize the package is going to Burbank, as in California. And he never realized the surprise hiding on the floor in the backseat – two pesky stowaway nephews. Past the point of no return and with no other options, Jack decides to bring the boys along for the journey. How tough can it be?
During the wild trip to save the restaurant, Jack dispenses life’s lessons to his nephews, and learns a thing or two about family himself in this coming of age story.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send it to you.
I appreciate and respect your time, thank you.
Sincerely,
John Budinscak
Email – docbuda@aol.com
Cell – 813-453-2413
-
Yes Pablo–cut half of it. Hope your week is going well is a waste of words.
Too much exposition and narrative. Do Hal’s model of hook, short explanation, hook, short explanation, and hook. Put a tiny bio near your name. Like me, you need more white space. I must rewrite for a film query. I was writing for a NY producer for my trilogy of novels. Gambling ring on the dark web that livestreams migrants crossing the border is intriguing.
But some of this is cultural. Different languages have different methods of communicating. When I speak French, the sentences are longer and more elaborate. Hollywood is a bullet point cut to the chase. Spanish tends to go on and on like many Latin languages so if you are opting for bilingual or bicultural production, you may be able to put more details in Spanish.
-
BOB SMITH FIRST DRAFT OF QUERY LETTER – GLAD TO EXCHANGE FEEDBACK….
Reply below or at: RobertRSmith4646@comcast.net
WHAT I learned doing this assignment is…?”
Write as entertaining a Query Letter as possible filled with hooks and make it short and
simple.
FIRST DRAFT OF A QUERY LETTER TO AN IMAGINARY PRODUCER.
Mr. Mike Marcel
Mike Marcel Productions, LLC.
22 Celluloid Lane
Casino, California 22222
Dear Mr. Marcel:
RE: My screenplay: “Moths Around a Flame: The Making of ‘The Blue Angel.”
Cast in the erotic thriller “The Blue Angel” the newly-discovered Marlene Dietrich is a happily married bisexual who supports her husband, their daughter. and his mistress, while she also has an affair with her mentor, the film’s controversial director, Josef von Sternberg.
But it is hardly a Happy Family on the set of “The Blue Angel.”
Sternberg has to referee a feud caused by the star, Oscar-winner Emil Jannings who fears he will lose his star-status due to Dietrich’s portrayal of the seductive cabaret showgirl Lola Lola, as well as by her off-camera affair with director Sternberg, who appears to elevate Dietrich at Jannings’ expense on camera..
When Jannings injures Dietrich in a fight scene, Sternberg appeals to both actors to reconcile and partner for the sake of art and make ‘The Blue Angel’ a classic. Not only do they reconcile, they deliver stellar performances. Dietrich invites Jannings to come back to Hollywood with her and Sternberg and escape the rise of Nazism to which Jannings feels vulnerable because he has an ailing Jewish mother. .
What if Jannings had returned to Hollywood? We see the one time Oscar-winner play a Nazi in a string of war story B-Movies. He also falls among Tinseltown’s biggest boozers (Lon Chaney and Broderick Crawford) and winds up with them in an LAPD drunk tank. After a struggle of years, Jannings’ career hits paydirt. Ironically, the actor who escaped Nazism plays the role of an escaped Nazi war criminal hiding in Egypt which wins Jannings his second Oscar in 25 years.
But this is only the narrator’s “wish it was true” fantasy of Jannings-as-he-could-have-been had he only made the right decision and left Germany for Hollywood. Instead, what really happens is that after the war, Jannings faces denazification and the end of his acting career for having appeared, (he claims) under duress, in a number of Nazi propaganda films. The fate of Jannings and Dietrich ironically mirror the fates of their respective characters in “The Blue Angel” Dietrich went on to further entertainment success as did her character Lola Lola in the film and Jannings’ was ruined like his Professor Immanuel Rath whose infatuation with Dietrich’s cabaret showgirl led to his downfall.
I have been a fan of classic films all my life and “The Blue Angel,” its production and aftermath has always fascinated me, especially, how the lives of the lead players parallel the characters they portrayed. I am a playwright and the Zoom production of my stageplay, “Angels in Gangland” won the award of Best Full Length Feature Film at the Cecil County Independent Film Festival in 2021.
If you wish, I would be delighted to send you a copy of my script of “Moths Around A Flame: The Making of ‘The Blue Angel.’” My contact information is below.
Best Always,
Robert Russell Smith
443-674-8659
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Robert Smith. Reason: Adding my contact information in request for feedback exchange
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by
-
Dear, ________
“What do empty-nester parents do when an adult child moves back home and disrupts your life? They invite a vampire to live with you instead!”
When a bored, existential, 600-year-old Vampire named Osgood finds himself homeless he decides to move in with mortals, ignoring Vampire law.
Jim and Marin Brewster are empty-nesters whose life has been disrupted by their angry 23-year-old daughter Nina moving back home. They devise a plan to take in a renter so they can pay her to live elsewhere and regain their peace.
On Halloween night a series of events are set in motion and the family ends up being caught in the middle of a vampire civil war. What side will Osgood take? And who will survive?
Michelle Damis is an actor and stunt performer that was inspired to tell this story after dealing with her own daughter moving back home.
I had so much fun writing this project. If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the entire script.
Sincerely,
Michelle Damis
-
It would be really great if you could find a producer with the same problem.
You created hooks nicely at the beginning that kept me reading and I had a laugh at the end. So, if I was a producer, I’d love to read the script – love to read it anyway. Or even better, see it on the silver screen. I think it would make a good pilot for a tv-series. I think the line about Halloween could be a little “hookier” – maybe play on what you’re saying with a trick or treat metaphor.
Your script must be a real hoot. Great Query Letter.
Bob Smith
-
Thank you Bob!
-
You are most welcome, MIchelle.
Bob
-
-
-
-
Jodi’s Query Letter Draft TWO
Getting the query letter to be as short as possible and make sure there is mostly white space is really challenging. I had the cart before the horse. I listened to the call last after doing my query assignments. I had some ‘Eureka’ moments though during the call and thanks to a couple of members feedback I feel this draft is much better than my first draft. I’m going to try to cut at least one more sentence each in the explanation parts. It is challenging though.
Subject line: Drama, UNDUE BURDEN
Hi (Producer’s first name)
Inspired by real events, these situations are currently happening around the country.
Many insecure men who fear their power is being taken over by women, vote to take women’s rights away to their bodies. To gain this control, being reminiscent of Nazi Germany, they prompt spies in their state by pitting neighbor against neighbor and friends against friends with an attractive bounty of 10,000 dollars a head suing anyone helping a woman have an abortion. It is open season against women as equals, and pregnant women and girls.
Pam, a small town Police Officer fights this war on women by running against the state’s Governor.
With the SB8 Heartbeat abortion ban in place, the foster system is overburdened and the welfare system is overwhelmed with the abundance of parentless children. Debilitating stage fright aside, Pam campaigns against the Governor in the upcoming election to reverse this nightmare of injustices. One bereaved Mother creates her own system of justice by starting a well-organized theft ring of retribution against these Bounty Hunters.
Pam intends to take the shackles of control off of women as baby-makers; a catapult back from the dark ages.
If you like the concept of UNDUE BURDEN, I’ll be happy to send you the script.
Thank you,
Jodi
BIO: I
had a script place as a quarter-finalist in Scriptapalooza-
This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Jodi Harrison.
-
Jodie,
Your letter is intriguing and believe would make someone want to read your script. The only thing I would change would be the formatting a little bit. Here is the template that Hal gave us.
Hook
Interesting Explanation
Hook/Twist
Interesting Explanation
Hook/Close
It seems you have two hooks at the beginning. What do insecure… and These situations…
Then you have additional hooks after the close. Karen’s mother… and Can Pam…
This is all interesting information about your script. Just try to find a way to work it in without the extra lines.
Hope that helps.
-
Thank you Amy, it sure does help. I just edited my second draft with your comments in mind.
-
-
Jodi’s Query letter – Draft THREE
On the Subject line: Drama, UNDUE BURDEN
Hi (Producer’s first name)
Inspired by real events, these situations are currently happening around the country.
Reminiscent of Nazi Germany, insecure men who fear their power is being taken over by women enact laws to take their reproductive rights away to their bodies. To gain this control they encourage spies in their state with an enticing bounty of 10,000 dollars per head, pitting neighbors and friends against each other, to sue anyone helping a woman have an abortion. It is open season against women as equals, and pregnant women and girls.
Pam, a small town Police Officer fights this war on women by running against the state’s Governor.
With the SB8 Heartbeat abortion ban in place, the foster system is overburdened and the welfare system is overwhelmed with the abundance of parentless children. Debilitating stage fright aside, Pam campaigns against the Governor in the upcoming election to reverse this nightmare of injustices. One bereaved Mother creates her own system of justice by starting a theft ring of retribution against these Bounty Hunters.
Pam intends to take the shackles of control off of women as baby makers; to catapult back from the dark ages.
If you like the concept of UNDUE BURDEN, I’ll be happy to send you the script.
Thank you,
Jodi
BIO: I had a script place as a quarter finalist in Scriptapalooza
-
Hi, Jodi.
First and foremost, this title is so, so good. I think once the producer finishes the synopsis, the title itself could be its own hook.
Ok. “Short and sweet” would not be the right expression here… Quick and precise. I have very little experience, but this feels like a solid query letter. While your very first line (Inspired by real events) is not exactly a hook, it works as a disclaimer which can definitely add intrigue. Much like “Viewer discretion is advised.” And then you mention “Nazism” and it’s immediately interesting.
This is succinct and full of hooks. Each paragraph is only three sentences and Pam gets two solid lines to convey everything you need to know about her. It’s a clever format.
Good use of vocabulary to make this very compelling. My favorite is the alliteration “theft ring retribution”.
No critiques here. You’ve clearly put in the work as this is looking very polished. I will use your query letter as a template to help with my next draft.
Thanks again for your input.
-
Pablo,
Thank you so much for your glowing review of my query letter, it made me feel sooo good. Yes, I did work the hell out of the drafts, so I’m very glad it now reads succinctly. Your words are very encouraging, and means a lot to me! And, your welcome on the input, any time. Let me know when you post your updated draft, and I’ll take another pass over it, if you’d like. You have a very interesting story.
-
-
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by
-
If anyone is still up to exchange…?
Elizabeth’s query
What I learned—love having a few SPECIFIC forms to play around with! I’ve been needing direction.
Subject Line: Dramedy: WHAT FREUD FORGOT
Good news: Ed helped lots of patients. Bad news: he hasn’t worked through his own issues. Fortunately, a dysfunctional family he didn’t know he had is about to drop-kick the retired psychiatrist back into his teenage hell.
Ed’s only love has died; they’d just reunited after fifty years. Now the chaotic family of her adopted-out son has Ed coaxing retirement home friends to help with their problems, including granddaughter Grace’s sixth marriage attempt to the father of her children.
But when Ed learns the son is his, too—and the man suddenly dies—Ed regresses into the firewater of his youth.
As friends manage wedding disasters, Ed’s grandkids, including a D1 footballer who wants to be dancing, help Summer-of-Love minister, Jewels, sober Ed up, so he can face his final demon by once again playing his beloved acid-rock when Grace walks down the aisle. Before he—
Awakens. It was only a dream.
Transformed, Ed gets a parting gift from the Collective Unconscious when he meets: Grace and Jewels!
If the concept works for you, I’d love to send you the script.
Elizabeth Koenig, MD
(206) 356-8661
Elizabeth is a “fully-analyzed” psychiatrist, married to a psychiatrist.
-
Hi Elizabeth,
Interesting story. You need a one-line hook at the beginning. Maybe stop at good news, bad news, and put the next sentence into the paragraph underneath. Also, put the two hooks at the end into the last paragraph instead of on a line by themselves. Here is the format Hal gave us.
Hook
Interesting Explanation
Hook/Twist
Interesting Explanation
Hook/Close
I think I understand what’s going on in the paragraph that starts Ed’s only love has died, but I’m not sure. Is there a clearer way you can state all that’s going on there?
Hope this helps.
-
-
You rock Pablo! Excellent criticism for a producer query letter although my goal is to query literary agents for the three novels first because of copyright issues.
Good luck with your excellent project!
Log in to reply.