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Day 7 Assignments
Reply to post assignment.
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10 Replies
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Cameron Martin’s Visuals
What I learned doing this assignment is…When blocking matters, include it. When blocking is less important than the general idea, get to the essence. Honestly, I didn’t expect the hallway fight in THE MATRIX to include a fraction of the writing that was given for the subway fight, but reading it reminded me of a line from GLADIATOR, where the writer summed up a fight scene with something like, “He moved like a scythe through wheat.” No blocking. No extra details. Nada. It’s something I’ll have to consider for this script is recognizing when and where to have blocking versus metaphors.
Part One:
DESCRIPTIONS from THE MATRIX…
Neo sits in a chair in the center of the room and Trinity
begins gently fixing white electrode disks to his head,
arms, and the back of his neck. Near the chair is an old
oval dressing mirror that is cracked.
Wide-eyed, he stares as it begins to heal itself, a
webwork of cracks that slowly run together as though the
mirror were becoming liquid.
Neo reaches out to touch the mirror and his fingers
disappear beneath the rippling surface.
Quickly, he tries to pull his fingers out but the mirror
stretches in long rubbery strands like mirrored-taffy
stuck to his fingertips.
With the TINKLING of GLASS, shimmering SNOWFLAKES of
electric-blinking mercury fall, HIT the GROUND, and fade.
Neo looks at his hand; fingers distended into mirrored
icicles that begin to melt rapidly, dripping, running like
wax down his fingers, spreading across his palm where he
sees his face reflected.
Neo’s body arches in agony and we are PULLED like we were
pulled INTO the holes of the phone —
— sucked INTO his scream and swallowed by DARKNESS.
INT. POWER PLANT – CLOSE ON MAN’S BODY
floating in a womb-red amnion.
Metal tubes, surreal versions of hospital tubes, obscure
his face. Other lines like IVs are connected to limbs and
cover his genitals.
Pressing up, the surface distends, stretching like a red
rubber cocoon.
He feels the weight of another cable and reaches to the
back of his head where he finds an enormous coaxial
plugged and locked into the base of his skull.
He tries to pull it out but it would be easier to pull off
a finger.
To either side he sees other tube-shaped pods filled with
red gelatin; beneath the wax-like surface, pale and
motionless, he sees other human beings.
Fanning out in a circle, there are more. All connected to
a center core, each capsule like a red, dimly-glowing petal
attached to a black metal stem.
Above him, level after level, the stem rises seemingly
forever. He moves to the foot of the capsule and looks
out.
The image assaults his mind.
Towers of glowing petals spiral up to incomprehensible
heights, disappearing down into a dim murk like an
underwater abyss.
It is almost insect-like in its design; beautiful housings
of alloyed metal covering organic-like systems of hard and
soft polymers.
The machine seizes hold of Neo, paralyzing him as the
cable lock at the back of his neck spins and opens.
The cable disengages itself. A long clear plastic needle
and cerebrum-chip slides from the anterior of Neo’s skull
with an ooze of blood and spinal fluid. The other
connective hoses snap free and snake away as the machine
lets Neo go.
NEO’S POV
Neo’s eyes FLUTTER OPEN. We see Morpheus’ face above us,
angelic in the fluorescent glow of a light stick.
Fluorescent light sticks burn unnaturally bright.
Just as he starts to come unglued, Morpheus opens the
door.
The wind is knocked from Neo’s chest.
It is a swamp of bizarre electronic equipment. Vines of
coaxial hang and snake to and from huge monolithic battery
slabs, a black portable satellite dish and banks of life
systems and computer monitors.
At the center of the web, there are six ecto-skeleton
chairs made of a poly-alloy frame and suspension harness.
Near the circle of chairs is the control console and
operator’s station where the network is monitored.
In the distance, we see the ruins of a future Chicago
protruding from the wasteland like the blackened ribs of a
long-dead corpse.
We turn and descend, spiraling down toward the lake bed
which is scorched and split like burnt flesh, where we
find Morpheus and Neo.
He looks up and his sunglasses reflect the obsidian clouds
roiling overhead.
Skipping ahead to the description of the third act action sequences…
The entire lobby fight:
Neo and Trinity are a blur of motion. In a split second,
three guards are dead before they hit the ground.
Chaos erupts; bystanders run for cover, POPPING CAPS
ECHOING in the stark official lobby.
A second wave of plainclothes cops and guards try to stop
them. They are met by the MUTED SPIT of a SILENCED GUN
and the razored WHISTLE of THROWING STARS.
Weapons like extensions of their bodies, are used with the
same deadly precision as their feet and their fists.
Bodies slump down to the marbled floor while Neo and
Trinity hardly even break their stride.
The Subway Fight:
Neo whip-draws his gun flashpoint speed of lightning as —
Smith OPENS FIRE.
GUN REPORT THUNDERS through the underground, both men
BLASTING, moving at impossible speed.
For a blinking moment we enter BULLET-TIME.
Gun flash tongues curl from Neo’s gun, bullets float
forward like a plane moving across the sky, cartridges
cartwheel into space.
An instant later they are nearly on top of each other,
rolling up out of a move that is almost a mirrored
reflection of the other —
Each jamming their gun tight to the other’s head.
They freeze in a kind of embrace; Neo sweating, panting,
Agent Smith machine-calm.
Agent Smith’s face warps with rage and he attacks, fists
flying at furious speed, blows and counters, Neo
retreating as —
A knife-hand opens his forearm, and a kick sends him
slamming back against a steel column.
Stunned, he ducks just under a punch that CRUNCHES into
the BEAM, STEEL CHUNKS EXPLODING like shrapnel.
Behind him, Neo leaps into the air, delivering a neck-
snapping reverse round-house. Agent Smith’s glasses fly
off and he glares at Neo; his eyes ice blue.
Agent Smith attacks with unrelenting fury, fists pounding
Neo like jackhammers.
Agent Smith grabs hold of him, lifting him into the air,
hurling him against the curved wall of the train tunnel,
where he falls inches from the electrified third-rail.
The Agent is about to jump down and press his attack when
he hears something. From deep in the tunnel, like an
animal cry; a BURST of HIGH-SPEED METAL GRINDING against
METAL.
The sound of an ON-COMING TRAIN.
Neo tries to get up. Agent Smith jumps down onto the
tracks and drop-kicks him in the face.
The world again begins to shake, RUMBLING as the TRAIN
NEARS.
Agent Smith grabs Neo in a choke-hold forcing him to look
down the tracks, the train’s headlight burning a hole in
the darkness.
There is another METAL SCREECH, much LOUDER, CLOSER, as
Agent Smith tightens his hold. Neo is unable to breathe.
The TRAIN ROARS at them, swallowing Agent Smith’s words.
The veins bulge in Neo’s head, as he grits through the
pain.
He is not ready to die.
Impossibly, he hurls himself straight up, smashing Smith
against the concrete ceiling of the tunnel.
They fall as the sound and fury of the TRAIN EXPLODES into
the station.
Neo backflips up off the tracks just as —
The train barrels over Agent Smith.
Part Two:
1. Sully explodes out of the vent, adrenaline certainly playing a factor. He rips Isaiah out of the vent and drags him forward.
to …
The vent grate blasts off the roof as Sully, overdosed on adrenaline, tears out onto the roof, yanking Isaiah behind him.
2. Isaiah kicks and screams while his dad drags him across the walkway, the exact way they came, toward the nest, and the army of hosts from the bunker tailing them.
to…
Isaiah rages against his father’s grip like a rabbit in the clutches of a hawk’s talons, watching his father pull him into a trap.
3. Isaiah punches Sully in the arm over and over, eventually kicking himself to drag Sully off of the space colony.
to…
Isaiah glances over the edge…
and bolts up and onto the railing, hoping for a chance to jump off of the roof before going down the walkway.
4. And catching himself with his other hand. He pulls himself up and starts crawling on his back away from the monsters that are climbing up to meet him.
to…
And catching himself, his good hand aiding his fractured one. He throws his leg up, and rolls back onto the structure. He shuffles away on ass and elbows, focused on the teeth that are almost at his feet.
5. Hundreds of pods cling to each of the four walls of a massive room. The rows of pods ascend all the way up a thirty foot ceiling.
to…
Hundreds of sleeping pods are stacked up along a hall, like a techno-catacomb.
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Matthew Frendo’s Visuals
WHAT I LEARNED: I learned how to create more interesting and engaging visual descriptions. This will help the story be more readable, immersive and fun to read.
Descriptions from:
ARMY OF DARKNESS
mid twenties, square jaw firmly set, a pair of haunted eyes which dart about quickly in fear, with urgency, nestled in a dark forest, Through the window, we see the tiny figure of Ash picking up a book from a desk.
flips through the pages from the BOOK, inscribed on the pages. Illustrations of demonic faces with white eyes. wind-like demon, swooping low through the woods toward the cabin. CAMERA rips through the cabin door and comes upon a SCREAMING Ash.
twisting into a claw, before the flashing thunder clouds, severs his hand from his wrist with the chainsaw, sweep past the moon, recites the incantation from the, The Time vortex is created. Trees and a 1973 Delta 88 Oldsmobile are sucked up into the funnel cloud.
Ash, now armed with shotgun and chainsaw, is swallowed by the funnel-cloud of the Time vortex.
Ash is rocketing through a funnel of swirling clouds. He is swept away from us, hand over foot, through the dark void of Time.
swirls through blackness as a chorus of women’s voices build to eerie crescendo, from a musical note to a SCREAM. The smoke swirls, pulls in upon itself, like a thing alive, and forms the words:
The smoke is wisked away, then reforms as…
The title billows past CAMERA REVEALING…
its hands winding backwards at an insane rate, spins angrily past, revealing other debris that has been swept up into this funnel cloud. Tumbling weightless through this void we find…
He SCREAMS but there is no sound. No scream. Only the steady BEATING of his heart.
He shields his eyes from a sudden bright light. The funnel cloud electrifies.
RIPS at the fabric of Time.
All is quiet. Then, an electrical disturbance in the shape of a human body flashes briefly and is gone. A moment latter, Ash appears and tumbles from the sky, falling past CAMERA.
ASH falls to the dust. His double barrelled shotgun lands beside him. The ’73 Oldsmobile comes CRASHING to the ground a moment later.
looks up from the dust to behold…
in 12th century armor ride up over a hill. They halt before Ash.
thrusts his longsword into the air, shouting:
stares in confusion at the strange medieval figures.
join in the chant and hail Ash, but suddenly stop as…
the muscular commander of the group, gallops his horse into frame, followed by FOUR HORSEMEN who are his lieutenants. Arthur lifts his iron visor and evaluates Ash.
The Delta 88 Oldsmobile. The chainsaw, strapped to Ash’s back. The handless stump of Ash’s right arm. The Shotgun.
waves a shaky hand.
An elderly man, in a long black cloak, steps forward.
Brings his sword down across Ash’s chest. Ash cries out in pain as…
is cut. A thin red gash.
and CAMERA PANS to four prisoners bound in iron shackles.
charges his horse at Ash. But he is met with the wooden stock of Ash’s shotgun as it swings into frame, cracking against his jaw.
He tumbles from the horse.
leaps atop Gold Tooth’s horse and jerks the reigns.
rears up, kicking it’s hooves into the air.
gallops off as Warrior #2 runs at him. Ash kicks him in the face as he gallops past. The Warrior is sent reeling.
galloping over a hill. He is almost thrown by the horse, but manages to hang on for dear life.
A. Concrete noun-
Old: Right then, a police officer dressed in all black hits him with a baton HARD.
New: A cop in all black smashes the rioter’s face with a baton.
B. Action verb:
Old: She walks up to Kristen quickly.
New: Alicia dashes to Kristen’s side.
C. Metaphor:
Old: Nick looks at Alicia, but she’s just watching the stage.
New: Nick looks at Alicia, but her eyes are lasers, solely fixed on the Host as he prances around the stage.
D. Exaggeration:
Old: The crowd cheers so loud nothing else can be heard.
New: The sound of their cheers could drown out an elephant stampede and heavy metal concert at once.
E. Comparison:
Old: Alicia settles into the cage, as far into the corner to hide as possible.
New: Alicia settles in the cage like a hamster building it’s nest for the night.
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Dev Ross – Descriptive words
What I learned is how short, tight descriptive phrases can boost a script’s energy and make the read come alive. When I was a reader, I often did the ‘vertical read’ which is what I suspect many readers still do today. I would breeze through heavy descriptions to pick out just what I needed to know.
DESCRIPTIVE LINES FROM THE MATRIX
-A blinding cursor pulses in the electric darkness.
-Shimmering like green-electric rivers
-The hotel was abandoned after a fire licked its way across the polyester carpeting, destroying several rooms as it spooled soot up the walls and ceiling, leaving patterns of permanent shadow.
-And she crashes with an EXPLOSION of GLASS and WOOD, then falls onto a back stairwell, tumbling, bouncing downstairs bleeding, broken —
-Weed-like cables coil everywhere, duct-taped into thickets that wind up and around the legs of several desks. Tabletops are filled with cannibalized equipment that lay open like an autopsied corpse.
-At the center of this technological rat-nest is NEO, a man who knows more about living inside a computer than outside one.
-Smoke hangs like a veil, blurring the few lights there are.
-Dressed predominately in black, people are everywhere, gathered in cliques around pieces of furniture like jungle cats around a tree
OLD VERSION
EXT. SPACE – ON MULTI-UNIVERSES
String Theory in all its multiple strands of vibrating glory, expressed as alternate strings of universes existing side by side. Among the thousands of strands, two are fraying and are in the initial process of permeating into one another. Tendrils pull from their source strand and then drift toward the opposite strand.
PUSH IN ON ONE FRAYING STRAND, THEN INTO its Earth’s atmosphere, toward the United States, closer into…
EXT. LANGSTON FAIR GROUNDS – WHITE SUPREMACIST RALLY – SUMMER DAY
Dark clouds sweep the sky as foul winds plow through the crowded fair and rally. The wind rattles rusty carnival rides and causes balloons and banners to be swept into spinning dust devils.
COTTON CANDY STAND – A LITTLE GIRL proudly pays for her cotton candy and is about to take a bite when it blows out of her hands. She chases it passed CLAY CAINE, former marine, still fit in his fifties. He watches as the girl sadly watches her cotton candy blow away, then buys her a new one. He smiles at her delight and then walks on toward…
NEW VERSION
EXT. SPACE – ON MULTI-UNIVERSES
String Theory: multiple strands of pulsating worlds lined up like hundreds of harp strings. Among the shimmering strings, one frays like overbleached hair with split ends – the ends already wandering toward and breaching a neighboring string…
PUSH IN ON SPLITTING STRING, THEN INTO its Earth’s atmosphere, toward the United States, closer into…
EXT. LANGSTON FAIR GROUNDS – WHITE SUPREMACIST RALLY – SUMMER DAY
Dark clouds sweep the sky as foul winds plow through the bustling fair. The wind rattles through rusty carnival rides, balloons and banners are swept into spinning dust devils.
COTTON CANDY STAND – A LITTLE GIRL proudly counts out her coins for her cotton candy and just takes a sticky bite when the wind rips it away and carries it off like a bobbing pink cloud. She chases after it when CLAY CAINE, a former marine, still fit in his fifties, snags it out of the air and then strides with it back to the girl. Her beaming smile is his thanks. Clay likes being a hero.
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DAY 7 Vivid Visual Description
Lisa’s Visuals
What I learned is there are a million ways to say something. Finding the most interesting words and phrases is not an easy task. Sometimes the words just come to you and sometimes you have to work and re-work the phrases.
PART ONE –
MOVIE: Description from “Something’s Gotta Give”: 20 pages of descriptions
crosses in front of a stack of cabs, sheer dress clinging to her remarkable body, spills out of a Bar and onto the sidewalk, A Confident Knock Out in jeans and a tank, what is it about him? Could be his eyes, the turn of his mouth…something about this guy is just so damn appealing. Maybe it’s just the way he wears the Young Slinky Girl on his arm. He’s confident, cool, enviable, A CHIC EATERY, everybody is somebody here. snaps to attention, luckiest son of a bitch on earth, positively debonair, a BEATEN SIXTY-YEAR-OLD dines with his AGE APPROPRIATE, WELL-FED WIFE, regular looking, nothing-to-write-home-about WOMAN IN HER FIFTIES. a 63-YEAR-OLD BATTLE AX, built just like Harry,
convertible bursts into FRAME, a thoroughbred of a girl, An “IT” Girl. Smart, sexy, and built for fun, to see if’ she caught that. This brand of cool is about not playing that card. long lilting grass, It’s the perfect beach house. He’s one of those guys that lets you kiss them. It’s one of those great Beach Houses. Light filled and warm with spectacular views of the sandy landscape, the requisite Hampton’s deck complete with pool and ocean view, warmly decorated GUEST BEDROOM, She playfully rolls, She bounces off him like a kid and disappears, stands with a stiffness that for the first time suggests he is not a that young man. Well stocked, the best of everything,
a poster girl for growing old. It’s actually hard to imagine 55 looking any better, she looks 35, but because she makes 55 look graceful and right. Erica is the “girl most likely” who went beyond expectations but didn’t realize until recently that being sure of herself was a handicap. She doesn’t try to be intimidating, she just is. Zoe’s the loose one. She wears draw string pants and a T-shirt that says, “BOYS LIE”. Zoe FUMBLES the phone over to Erica, wandered in here, like high on Ecstasy…? She was in the Israeli army. She can break you in half. shoots her Mom a look, obviously a penis substitute, he shtupped everything that moved…
The clientele in here is as rich looking as the food, Part of her “Keep Busy, Don’t Look Back” program, Almost woozy, Erica is snapped out of it, high strung, over-amped, controlling, know it all neurotic. . . Some people just don’t fit the mold, I’ve escaped the noose for so long. adorable lanky girl, be a curse, you’d be an old maid, a spinster, blah, blah, blah…
PART TWO –
Five Sentences for improvement from “Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”:
1. Mary’s firefighting partner is BERT WINTERS, her former brother-in-law.
CHANGE TO: Mary’s firefighting partner is BERT WINTERS, 45 a small-town guy who is the strong & silent type and he’s Mary’s former brother-in-law, but you won’t see any animosity between them, Bert the peach, likes peace.
2. Mary looks at Bert and makes a scary face.
CHANGE TO: Trying to squash her fear, Mary screws her face up until she’s a monster!
3. Then MARY pops up and with all her might she lifts the MAN up.
CHANGE TO: Then Mary shoots out of the torrent of water. And with the strength of an Olympic weightlifter, she lifts the Man up until he breaks the surface.
4. MARY and the MAN lie in the pouring rain on the bank of the river.
CHANGE TO: Like two beached seals, Mary and the Man lie in the thunderstorm on the rocky bank of the river catching their breath.
5. See I’m an overachiever and Violet has always been jealous of me.
CHANGE TO: See I’m a go-getter and Violet doesn’t like to get her hands dirty. She wants to do things the easy way and is jealous that I have the resolve to do anything and get it right.
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Anna Harper DAY 7 VISUALS
What I learned from this assignment is; to think very carefully about the quality of impact words have, and to use them more sparingly.
PART 1
DESCRIPTOR LIST FROM
2001 A SPACE ODESSEY STANLEY KUBRICK and ARTHUR C CLARK
badly undernourished,
first dim glow of dawn creeps
His hairy, muscular body is quite man-like,
The forehead is low, and there are great ridges over the eye-sockets,
only the small or the swift or the fierce could flourish, or even hope to exist
a sluggish, brown stream.
hungry, and now it was starving.
a small, parched valley
long, pathetic road to racial extinction.
man-apes of the field
remorseless drought
battle for survival
dry and barren land,
new climax of ferocity
ten million years,
terrible lizards
PART TWO
THE BITTERSWEET OF SUMMERS END VILLAGE 2 ANNA CORBETT</font>INT/HALLWAY G7 HIGH SECURITY CENTRE/EVENING</
Overhead neon lights create an industrial, hostile and unwelcoming environment. The friends are marched along, with the soldierS' boots ringing on the floor.
NOTE
The hallways are harsh, indutrial spaces. The soldiers' boots ring on the concrete floor.
INT.BRIEFING ROOM/EVENING Bunny’s private army enters a large meeting room. There are only two men there, not wearing uniforms of any kind. Both have guns in shoulder holsters. The men appear to be very fit, middle-aged with nothing remarkable (other than the guns), about their appearance. Definitely not James Bond material. One of them invites the group to be seatedNOTE
The mercenaries enter a large somber meeting room. Two agents are waiting to brief them. Both agents appear athletic, armed with guns and otherwise like any other middle aged men on the high street.
CHARACTER DESCRIPTION
MAJOR BUNNY HOLMES
Traits Proud, patriot, ruthless, brave.Bunny's reason for living is all about his patriotism. He enjoys his pub friends yet feels they are lacking something he has in spades, discipline
NOTE Bunny Holmes is a rabid patriot. Discipline is his mantra. He is a human swiss army knife,<u style="font-size: 1rem;">totally competant.WOOD BUFFALO HOSPITAL ANNA CORBETT
INT.SARAH'S BEDROOM/NIGHT
Sarah sits on the bed sobbing. She walks into the kitchen and takes a coffee mug out of the kitchen cabinet and a bottle of brandy.
Sarah has entered into a zombie-like state. She pours a lot of brandy into the mug. Sarah walks into the bathroom and runs a bath, steam fills the room. Sarah opens the locked bathroom cabinet and takes out a pill bottle and places it on the sink. From a drawer under the sink, she takes out a razor and tries it out on her wrist. It does not seem to work.
Sarah walks into the kitchen and gets a large sharp knife out of the kitchen drawer and walks back to the bathroom with a vacant stare on her face, no longer crying. Knife in hand, she puts one foot into the bathtub, and then she hears her son scream. NEW INFORMATION Sarah is suicidal and is about to take action
NOTE
Sarah pours a stiff brandy into a coffee mug. She unlocks the childproof drawer and examines a selection of knives. She decides on the poultry deboning knife, long and sharp, She walks over to the bathroom, her facial expression is that of a zombi. She reaches for a bottle of pills and places them on the edge of the sink, and proceeds to fill the tub. Srah puts one foot in the bathtub. Her son Eli lets out a sickening scream..
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by anna harper.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by anna harper.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by anna harper.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by anna harper.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by
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Writing with Boldness Day 7 – Vivid Visual Descriptions
PS81 – Dana’s Visuals
What I learned from this assignment:
I found 25 instances where my characters “exchange looks.” I need to improve the attitude and emotion of my script and make it a faster, entertaining read.
PART ONE
EXAMPLE – TRAINING DAY
It could be San Salvador or Guatemala, Alonzo lights a smoke, don’t b.s. me, they look more like co-eds than cops, Alonzo nails him with a surprise look, Hipster university students, “I want these hemorrhoids grabbing glass”, the G-Ride howls, Alonzo slaloms to a stop, “Safe your iron” – holster your gun, they cruise is a strange otherworldly silence, He stares into the liquid enraptured by its smoky patterns, absorb the street’s tableau of unworldly beauty gliding by, paradise and hell in one, running like a deer.
PART TWO
FIRST TIME CALLER
1. She drapes an oversized purse and a computer bag over her shoulder and runs for the front door, fighting to keep the bags on her shoulder and swiping at the coffee stain.
CHANGE TO: She slings her oversized purse and scurries to the door, swiping at the coffee stain map of South America on her skirt.
2. Ellen enters. Richard stands to leave.
CHANGE TO: Richard takes his cue to slither out.
3. Ellen looks to the club chair where Richard was sitting and chooses the opposite chair.
CHANGE TO: Ellen slights Richard in absentia, opting for the other chair.
4. CLAIRE BARROW is the producer of Ellen’s radio show. She’s the motherly type, fifties, greying hair, and dresses like soccer mom – slacks, collared shirt, comfortable shoes.
CHANGE TO: CLAIRE BARROW, fifties, is everybody’s overbearing mom — no paint, no polish, brassy as hell who never misses a Woodstock reunion.
5. Ellen listens intently. She can’t understand what she’s hearing through her headphones.
CHANGE TO: Ellen presses the headset tight, concentrating on the sudden violence.
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Kate’s Visuals
I learned doing this was that writing vivid descriptions makes the people more vivid for me and their characters, relationships clearer.
1)
FROM THIS:
EXT. THE FIELD – EARLY MORNING
The campsite is quiet. Most people asleep, 2 are having coffee by the fire. It is cool but clear, the sun touching the tops of the trees, and throwing pools light on the meadow. Birds twitter and a deer wanders by.
The sound of heavy equipment rumbling up the little dirt track breaks in over the scene.
Two huge flatbeds carrying a bulldozer and backhoe appear over the crest of the hill, and stop facing the camp-site.
People emerge from their tents, the coffee drinkers jump up and walk quickly over to the drivers who are climbing out of their cabs, surprised to see the camp-site.
The largest of the two is Mac, about 40, tall, barrel-chested, dressed in short shorts and boots, with a bright red windbreaker. The other(Sam) is a small, wiry guy, about 70, dressed as if for the Arctic. It is a chilly morning.
They stand side by surveying the scene.
Michael (27)and Sarah (23), in flannel pjs with woolly sweaters over them, carrying their coffee in brightly colored travel mugs, approach them.
TO THIS
EXT. THE FIELD – EARLY MORNING
A bucolic campsite on a cool, clear morning. The sun touches the tops of the trees and throws pools light on the meadow. A mourning dove calls, a deer wanders by.Several small tents decorated with miscellaneous clothing are hunched silently on the grass. Two barely awake early-birds are nursing coffee by the fire.
The rumble of heavy equipment breaks in over the scene.
Two huge flatbeds carrying a bulldozer and backhoe crawl over the crest of the hill, and grind to a halt facing the camp-site like giant gladiators.
Crumpled people pop out from their tents, the coffee drinkers jump up and stride quickly over to the drivers who are climbing out of their cabs, startled to see the camp-site.
The largest is Mac,40, tall, barrel-chested, in short shorts and work boots, with a bright red windbreaker. The other(Sam) is small, wiry – about 70, dressed as if for the Arctic.
They stand side by side, baffled by the highly unusual scene.
Michael (27)and Sarah (23), in flannel pjs with woolly sweaters over them, clutching brightly colored travel coffee mugs, approach them cautiously, like explorers meeting the natives for the first time.
2) FROM THIS
INT.POOL HALL – DAY
A classic run-down dark daytime pool hall. No smoking but plenty of beer. An old-style jukebox is playing Cindy Lauper.
Nia and Shaunn are just beginning a game of pool at one of the 3 tables.
The bartender, WINONA, an older woman with a lot of tattoos is washing glasses and reading a book – ‘The Feminine Mystique’.
INT.POOL HALL – DAY
A classic, run-down, dark daytime pool-hall. No smoking but plenty of beer. An old-style jukebox is playing Cindy Lauper singing ‘Girls Just Want To Have Fun’.
Nia and Shaunn are just beginning a game of pool at one of the 3 battered pool tables.
The bartender, WINONA, an older woman whose age is charted by thousands of tattoos, is automatically washing glasses, while simultaneously reading a book – ‘The Feminine Mystique’.
3)
FROM THIS
Darrogh is tending some plants, when Lucianna unexpectedly appears at the door of the greenhouse. They haven seen each other for over 15 years, since Darrogh ‘caught’ Lucianna and Amahla together and 6 months later she committed suicide. She watches him for a while as he is absorbed in his task.
TO THIS
INT. GREEN HOUSE – DARROGH’S ESTATE
Darrogh is tending a row of small plants, his body curved almost tenderly over the table, his back to the entrance.
Lucianna, a flame of a woman, steps silently into the door of the greenhouse. Like a serpent in a garden she watches him – unseen, barely breathing.
LUCIANNA
So it is you.
Darrogh freezes. Time stops. He un-curves his body slowly, into a flagpole. He rotates toward her as if on an invisible turntable.
They stand off across the expanse of plants, two aging fighters finally in the ring.
DARROGH
I wondered how long it’d take you to figure it out.
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June Fortunato’s Visuals Day 7 of Boldness What I learned: There’s a lot I can do in another careful pass to upgrade my writing.
PART ONE Visuals from GALAXY QUEST pages 1-15
vastness of space, a hole in the sky opens, it shudders ever so slightly, Lazarus a purple reptilian-looking alien, His acting is classic Charlton Heston take no prisoners style., sniffing the air. Spectrum, steely determination, expectant glances, enthralled legions of mostly spotty faced male adolescent fans, the intrepid crew, a sexy and improbably body suit, “This is great. They’re going to start eating each other out there.” twit, miserable twit, terminally selfish, mournful expression. exuberance and charm. skulking. tackling him. Alex cringes desperately unhappy, clean cut as Disneyland employees, something odd about them you can’t quite put your finger on, the peculiar fans, bustling, catching snippets, elaborately costumed, earnest fans, this is a complete abortion, chattering at him, we notice something very strange, forlorn, nonplussed, the fans make happy nerdy ‘we sure do’ noises, shakes her head appreciatively.
PART TWO Visual changes from Retirement Word changes
he moves the fridge CHANGE TO He drags the fridge
wrapped in a towel CHANGE TO hidden in a bandana
Suzy walks CHANGE TO Suzy marches
She speaks even louder CHANGE TO she proclaims
Kim sees them staring CHANGE TO Kim responds to their glares
the solemnity suggests a ballad CHANGE TO the sultriness suggests a ballad
Tim helps him CHANGE TO Tim guides him
She promised to watch CHANGE TO She promised to look after
Marilyn is feeling the effects of surgery and anesthesia and can’t bring it to mind CHANGE TO
Dizzy, Marilyn can’t bring it to mind
Ms. Carter looks like she’ll bolt CHANGE TO MS. Carter looks like she’ll scram
Roy’s completely unhappy CHANGE TO Roy’s completely gloomy
Metaphor
Roy is sweet CHANGE TO Roy is sweet- always the lost puppy.
This theatre never hires enough people CHANGE TO This dumpster fire never hires enough
She opens a bag of dog treats CHANGE TO A pied piper, she brandishes dog treats
Comparison
Kim, in her gorgeous stolen bathing suit, luxuriates CHANGE TO Kim, in her gorgeous stolen
bathing suit, glides like Marilyn Monroe as she luxuriates
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Day 7: – Writing with Boldness – Anita’s VISUALS
What I learned: I enjoyed both parts of this exercise – absorbing other’s turns of phrase, and a reminder that I need to up my own descriptive game! This is more of the ‘word-smithing’ part of my own rewrite process – the polishing aspect of writing I really enjoy.
Part One: Description from CODA, pages 1-10
Open ocean; a rusty 32-foot fishing trawler; slices the grey water; waves slap the boat; engine roars; winch creaks; gulls circle; Ruby belts out a song; Frank – 50’s, bearded, weathered; Leo – early 20’s handsome, tattooed; an impressive haul; cleaning fish by slushing them around in a bucket with his boot; the radio crackles; snatches up the receiver; the rocky granite shore
City Hall towers above the town; quaint shopping district fades into the working wharf; fishermen mingle… as Ruby weaves through them; calm ya livah, honey; a polished commercial district
Faint sound of SNORING is Ruby passed out; her friend launches in without missing a beat; Audra, beautiful and horrible; Audra slaps his ass; Ruby feels invisible; glances furtively; Ruby eye-shushes her; Jackie – beautiful, 40’s, heavy-handed make-up
Nuts like angry hard little beets covered in barnacles; like a boiled lobster claw
Bangs pots and clangs lids; drowning them out; Jackie beams; her crazy family
Kids stream in; Bernardo Villalobos – quick-witted and wearing abnormally tight pants; I’m in a mood; barks out critiques
Part Two:
Look back through your last few assignment scenes. Pick out 5 descriptive sentences you can improve. List the sentences, then how you would improve them using the following:
A. Concrete noun
B. Action verb
C. Metaphor
D. Exaggeration
E. Comparison
1) There’s a lengthy pause as the Judge refers to a few papers on his desk. Then he folds his hands and peers down at the two women, ready to pronounce ‘judgment’.
CHANGE TO: A sanctimonious pause and unnecessary shuffle of papers precedes the Judges’s verdict.
2) Danica and her client both look stunned. They silently get up and walk out the back doors into the court hallway.
CHANGE TO: A stunned Danica and her client withdraw to the hallway.
3) The nurse raises the bed to a higher sitting position and fusses with the blankets as she talks.
CHANGE TO: The fussy nurse performs various adjustments to Danica’s bed.
4) Dani lowers the bed, and turns on her side away from the door and toward the dark window.
CHANGE TO: Dani gives the nurse a cold shoulder turning to the even colder darkened window.
5) He glances down at the lab results.
CHANGE TO: He scrutinizes her somber lab results.
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Antonio Flores’ Visuals.
What I learned doing this assignment
PART 1: Although the script has some issues on formatting, the contrast with the selected description highlights is exactly a good lesson for me. I wonder, how would I write this one? I used to have nightmares after watching Sissy Spacek’s Carrie in 1976.
PART 2: The use of similes, metaphor and comparison, should be done with care. If forced, it could have a negative impact on clarity or brevity.
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Part One: Pick one of your favorite scripts and make a list of the
descriptive words/phrases they use over 10 to 20 pages.
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Movie: Carrie (script date: 2011)
(From the introduction of the main characters: Carrie, the protagonist, and Chris, the antagonist as well as Tommy and Sue — supporting characters)
Smiling, Tommy trots back to the BOYS. Sue rejoins the girls’ volleyball game. She, CHRIS (a haughty hottie) , and CARRIE (a duck amongst swans ) , are on the GOLD team against BLUE .
(After Chris, antagonist, and Carrie, protagonist, collided when trying to save a volleyball dig)
Chris, enraged, looking at Carrie, a deer staring down a rifle’s barrel.
(A description of the setting, the school culture)
PRINCIPAL MORTON’S secretary, MISS FINCH, sits behind her desk. Carrie, clutching her books to her chest like a shield, looks down at her feet. Two delinquents, GREG DeLOIS and HARRY TRENNANT, sit nearby, waiting for their turn to be sentenced by Morton.
(A scene when Carrie uses her mind to push a naughty boy off his bike and realizes she can do “miracles”)
She goes around the block, stops. Realizes what she’s done; the smile fades. She looks at the trees above her, branches swaying, as if pushed by God’s hand…
(This is from page 104, but it is so good that I need to include it in here)
Suddenly, the lugs FLY OFF, letting loose a TORRENT of water, shooting into the air, forming a sort of…T-CROSS OF WATER. Carrie stands there, enjoying the geyser. She opens her arms, lets the water baptize her.
Behind Carrie, in the BG, Ewen High continues to burn. A symphony of fire and water in this shot. After a few moments, Carrie continues her slow, steady march. . .
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Part Two: Look back through your last few assignment scenes. Pick out 5
descriptive sentences you can improve.
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INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT — NIGHT
A gloomy, scruffy fitness room.
[COMPARISON — METAPHOR]
The silhouette of a treadmill cold frame and handrails stands like a ghost ship harbored in a misty sea of trash and dirt.
[EXAGGERATION — COMPARISON]
The treadmill’s control panel glows in the darkness like an old, dormant, otherworldly creature not to be disturbed.
[EXAGGERATION – COMPARISON]
She pours a bottle of water on her head and climbs on the treadmill like one who gets on the back of an untamed beast.
[METAPHOR — EXAGGERATION]
Her strong yet delicate hand pushes the console START button and… BUZZ, the burst of electric current signals the reluctant awakening of the monster.
[ACTION VERB]
THE PICTURES ON THE WALL
… echo the cheers and the applause from yesterday’s award ceremonies, the medals and trophies.
[METAPHOR]
Motion starts…
The beast utters a loud cry: SHRIEEEK ! ! !
It’s a flywheel that begs for maintenance or, perhaps, just the first chord of an electric guitar from a HEAVY BEAT SONG.
[METAPHOR — ACTION VERB]
The treadmill-ghost-ship reluctantly sets off on a fitness journey with Parisa at the helm.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Antonio Flores.
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