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Day 8 Assignments
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Phyllis’ Dialogue 1 & 2
What I learned doing this assignment was that attack/counterattack improved the scenes in which two characters were just agreeing with each other while I got the necessary part of the story out. I also learned that double-checking my dialogue against the Character Profile was a useful exercise.
INT. BARNES’ OFFICE – SHORT TIME LATER – BEFORE
Sasha is wasting no time ignoring Manning’s advice.
SASHA
I know you’re as disappointed as I am.
BARNES
All those hours.
SASHA
What a shame to let it all go to waste.
BARNES
What do you need from me?
SASHA
Can you subpoena Zack’s bank records?
BARNES
Sure. But even if he has a large deposit in his account, Delia will have covered her tracks. It won’t be immediately traceable.
SASHA
Gotta start somewhere.
INT. BARNES’ OFFICE – SHORT TIME LATER – AFTER
Sasha is wasting no time ignoring Manning’s advice.
SASHA
I know you’re as disappointed as I am.
BARNES
I wouldn’t say that.
SASHA
But all those hours–
BARNES
And we got a great settlement. Now I can get my life back.
SASHA
And this isn’t gonna interfere with that. I just need a subpoena for Zack’s bank records.
BARNES
Y’know, even if you find a large deposit, Price will have already covered their tracks. It’ll be tough to trace.
SASHA
Gotta start somewhere.
BARNES
Okay. But I’m gonna send all the nasty calls straight to you.
SASHA
Good. Means we’ve hit a nerve.
BARNES
You like pissing people off, don’t you?
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Lesson 8
Marcus’ Dialog 1+2
This assignment taught me a couple of ways to really tighten my dialog – specific things to look for and specific things to do.
I did the assignment for every character and every scene in my script. I normally write like that, but this really focused me on upping my game. I believe it helped. The last thing I want to do in a script is have the audience get bored. As a script writer friend of mine puts it, you want the dialog to sound like ordinary conversation, but it’s the farthest thing from it.
In this scene, one of my main characters (Cassandra) finds herself in the hospital after being rendered unconscious in an accident. Before I rewrote it this way, there was some attack/counterattack, but focusing on that aspect showed me how to rewrite a lot of the lines and also inspired me to add a few lines that I think helped. Cassandra is a somewhat cantankerous individual, so character came out naturally here. Before this rewrite, I had okay, but largely functional dialog that got the job done, but was a relatively uninteresting scene.
NURSE
She’s awake!Doctor puts on a stethoscope and starts using it. Cassandra shoves it away.
CASSANDRA
What am I doing here?Doctor backs off, surprised that Cassandra has spoken. Nurse rushes out of the room.
DOCTOR
You hurt yourself. Do you remember?CASSANDRA
I’m not senile if that’s what you’re asking. Where are my clothes? I’m ready to leave.DOCTOR
I’m afraid that’s not possible. You see-CASSANDRA
Not possible? Am I in prison?DOCTOR
Please, Ms….CASSANDRA
Just call me Cassandra. Now detach all this, these… devices.Nurse and a few INTERNS come in the room. They murmur among themselves about Cassandra.
DOCTOR
Cassandra, we took an x-ray to see if… Well, we discovered a large tumor in your brain and several small strokes, not to mention a fractured skull. Further testing indicated that your cancer has metastasized extensively-CASSANDRA
You tested me? Without my consent?!DOCTOR
(patronizing)
You were unconscious. From a blow to the head. It’s protocol. I want to be clear about this, Cassandra. Your condition is critical.CASSANDRA
Still not senile.DOCTOR
Yes, okay, fine. But I’ve consulted with our two best oncologists and honestly, we don’t understand how you’re still alive. I’m sorry, I don’t know a less blunt way to put it.CASSANDRA
You had no business looking inside me. I’m leaving.DOCTOR
You’re in no condition to… Do you understand that you could die at any moment? The pain must be unimaginable. We can keep you comfortable here. Is there anyone I can call? I-CASSANDRA
Just shut up and get out of here. All of you. This isn’t a damned freak show!Doctor, Interns and Nurse leave the room. Cassandra rips off the remaining attached stuff and stomps out of the room.
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Kim’s Dialogue 1 + 2.
Someone knocks on the door. Detective Bernard opens it. MATT HOUSEMAN (38) barges in and confronts the detective.
MATT
From here on out, Mrs. Nicholson is my client. She’s not to speak to you until she speaks with me first.
NATALIE
Matt! What are you doing here?
MATT
Eric sent me.
NATALIE
Oh my God, is he okay? Have you seen him?
MATT
No, he told me to get my ass over here.
Matt glares at the detective.
MATT
Do we have any specific evidence I should know about?
Bernard shakes his head.
MATT
Any warrants, any confessions?
DETECTIVE BERNARD
No. And she passed the lie detector test.
Matt groans.
MATT
Natalie, you let them give you a lie detector test before discussing it with me?
NATALIE
I have nothing to hide, Matt. I didn’t do this. I’d never hurt Eric. And I had no idea you’d be here.
MATT
I texted you.
NATALIE
They took my phone.
Matt glares at Bernard.
MATT
We’ll need that back, Detective.
NATALIE
And my purse.
MATT
And her purse. Jeez, why didn’t you just get her an orange jumpsuit and call it a day?
DETECTIVE BERNARD
It was a voluntary interrogation.
MATT
That’s an oxymoron if I ever heard one.
DETECTIVE BERNARD
(to Natalie)
You’re free to go. They’ll have your purse and phone up front for you.
EDITED VERSION:
Someone knocks on the door. Detective Bernard opens it. MATT HOUSEMAN (38) barges in and confronts the detective.
MATT
From here on out, Mrs. Nicholson is my client. She’s not to speak to you until she speaks with me first.
NATALIE
Matt?
MATT
I’m only here because Eric begged me. Don’t think for one second I’m on your side.
NATALIE
Oh my God, is he okay? Have you seen him?
MATT
No, but he called me and told me to get my ass over here.
Matt glares at the detective.
MATT
Do we have any specific evidence I should know about?
Bernard shakes his head.
DETECTIVE BERNARD
What do you mean you’re not on her side?
MATT
That has nothing to do with any of this. We just don’t have the warm and fuzzies for each other. Capiche? So, Detective, any warrants, any confessions?
DETECTIVE BERNARD
Not directly.
NATALIE
No. And I passed the lie detector test.
Matt groans.
MATT
You let them give you a lie detector test before discussing it with me?
NATALIE
How was I supposed to know you’d show up?
MATT
I’m a criminal lawyer, Nat. Who did you think Eric would call? A plumber?
He looks her up and down.
MATT
Then again, wouldn’t be a bad idea. You have a leaky faucet for a mouth. How much have you said to these twerps?
NATALIE
I’ve got nothing to hide. You know I’d never hurt Eric.
MATT
(to Bernard)
We’re done here.
DETECTIVE BERNARD
Of course. Mrs. Nicholson, you’re free to go.
MATT
Doesn’t seem that way, since you have her in an interrogation room like a common criminal.
Matt leads her to the door.
MATT
You can text Eric and let him know I did my good deed for the year.
NATALIE
They took my phone.
Matt glares at Bernard.
MATT
We’ll need that back, Detective.
NATALIE
And my purse.
MATT
And her purse. Jeez, why didn’t you just get her an orange jumpsuit and call it a day?
DETECTIVE BERNARD
It was a voluntary interrogation.
MATT
That’s an oxymoron if I ever heard one.
DETECTIVE BERNARD
(to Natalie)
They’ll have your purse and phone up front for you.
She gives him an icy glare as she slips past him and out the door.
I do feel I could use more texture in my lead character of Natalie. I want her to be tough, but scared. And I think I’d like to give her a stronger need. I mean, she needs to be exonerated from this crime she’s accused of masterminding, but I think she needs Matt to believe her, and right now, he hates her. He’s okay thinking she’s part of the problem. Because something in their past has brought them to this point. And the mystery SHOULD be why he hates her so much. And it’s very complex. But I need to know how she feels about that. She doesn’t need to be liked. That’s not in her character. But she needs to be understood. Respected. That all is. And I want to be sure that is evident throughout the pilot.
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