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Day 14 Assignments
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Sharilyn Has Amazing Description!
What I learned doing this assignment is…You can’t assume that the flow of dialogue/description is working because it sounds right in your head. You have to inspect every line with a fine-tooth comb to get the kinks out. And there are mucho kinks!!
ASK: “Can this line be improved with any of these Description Techniques?”
TEASER : Character Intro—As the protagonist, Erin’s intro was, “Eh,” at best. Like, so what she binge eats alone in her house and wants a different life? From what I had written before, I didn’t get anything from her. Now, besides being fat, I see that she’s pretty, latin, probably tan. In her small, contained world, her appearance/culture matters. The way she eats goes far beyond the plate in front of her. I wanna know the why behind her weight? Below is a revised short sample of her intro.
INT. ERIN’S HOUSE/BEDROOM – NIGHT
Mounds of flesh ooze from the neck down of pretty-for-a-fat-girl, ERIN STODERMANN (20s), as she eats everything around her. Pizza, fajitas, fries, taquitos, chicken tenders, a cheeseburger, empanadillas, cookies and a little tres leche cake. More food, glorious food. No fruits or veggies, please.
ACT 1 : Intro World—I hadn’t done this since the story is contained. I didn’t realize that I needed to make how Erin lived as an obese chick trapped in her body and her bedroom, a unique space. So I created the description of the outside world juxtaposed to her inside world. I think I get some irony and intrigue in here too.
EXT. ERIN’S HOUSE – DAY
The sun shines bright rays down a very flat rancher. There’s a calmness to the morning. Birds CHIRP. Bees BUZZ. Butterflies hover. The picture of perfection in a not-so-white, kinda suburban ‘hood.
INT. ERIN’S HOUSE/BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS
Food chaos all around her, Erin lets out a deep belch.
ACT 5 : Character Intro-Relationship to another character-Instead of “telling” you that Patty was considering John’s offer, I added a BEAT to show you. Earlier, she complains about him, argues with him, and sees him as a weirdo nuisance. Now, however, we see that there’s something there. What? I think this is intriguing too.
EXT. ERIN’S HOUSE/FRONT DOORWAY – NIGHT
Patty turns to see whose calling her. She squints.
JOHN
‘Member me?
PATTY
Whattayou want?
JOHN
Need a ride?
Beat.
PATTY
Depends. Where to?
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