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Day 10 Assignments
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Sharilyn’s Dialogue 7 – 8
What I learned doing this assignment is…I already started implementing these techniques from the last lesson.
TEASER
BEFORE: I introduced the protagonist first. She was food fucking, which didn’t allow for dialogue.
• A. Dialogue as Action NONE! Just sex sounds.
AFTER: I switched the order of the scenes so the antagonist is shown first sexing his blow-up doll girlfriend, then transition into the protagonist doing herself. I gave her one line.
• B. Subtext “Cum out, cum out wherever you are?”
ACT ONE
BEFORE: Erin misses the Food delivery hand off and she apologizes
• A. Dialogue as Action “Gimme.” motion
AFTER: Now, I deleted her “Sorry” line and just had her hand motion, “Gimme.” then I broke up his “same order. Different day. Right?” line to make it go back and forth between them as in an understood banter.
BEFORE: Walley and Kandy are having b-fast. Walley starts a tirade. Kandy stops him in his tracks asking him not to start complaining.
• A. Subtext: Walley is paranoid. He’s not so good in bed.
AFTER: I took out the word “complaining” and replaced it with “Yu. Talking about them.” Walley denies he was “gonna talk about them.” Now I wanna know , “Who is them?” Also, Kandy continues with “Say something nice.” He refers to the night before which hints at his sexual insecurity.
ACT TWO
BEFORE: Mi-Ya and Ms. Chen are about to hog-wash Erin. Ms. Chen says “Time to clean.” This is a direct order.
• A. Dialogue as Action – They do hose Erin down
• B. Subtext “I’m so excited.”
AFTER: I deleted the “Not.” after she says this line as clearly she is not excited.
ACT THREE
BEFORE: Erin is stuck on the floor. She’s fighting with Mi-Ya. She says, “You always do this.” I deleted the next two lines which state the frenemy tension between the two.
• A. Subtext – Erin and Mi-Ya have a deep divide between them that comes out in these fewer lines.
AFTER: Just 3 lines per character now is more fight filled than before. Less is more.
ACT FOUR
BEFORE: Ms. Chen and Patty not allies are not allies against the strange neighbor dude.
• B. Subtext – Ms. Chen, in her own rude way, affirms Patty’s gender.
AFTER: I gave Ms. Chen the rude/funny line “ And man. Strong man.”
BEFORE: Patty and Erin argue with Erin kinda whining about her parents installing the cameras. Erin states:
• B. Subtext – “Correction. They’re not my real parents.”
AFTER: This line opens the door to the discovery about her adoption and her resentment toward them.
ACT FIVE
BEFORE: Patty just leaves Erin staring at her nude, fat self in the mirror.
• B. Subtext – “Here. There. You know me.”
AFTER: Erin asks Patty, “Where to?” And Patty responds a little naughty. She later accepts a ride from weird neighbor dude across the street. Leaves us wondering what is, was, will be between those two.
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