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Day 27 Assignment
Reply to post your assignment.
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11 Replies
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Ed. Gillow Rewrite of QE Cycle #6
What I learned is that practice makes perfect with interest techniques, etc.
LOGLINE: Two people enter an escape room as best friends and leave as lovers.
ESSENCE: A challenging situation can bring the best (or worse) out of people.
SCENE:
INT. ESCAPE ROOM – DAY
CARLEY, 20s, dressed in skin-tight red knit dress and looks that kill strides into the escape room.
MARCUS, early 30s, dressed in gym clothes follows behind Carley. He enjoys the view in front of him.
The room door slams shut.
INTERCOM
A man-made virus is wreaking havoc across the world. Intel suggests the virus originated in a rogue lab headed by the renowned virologist, Dr. Cyrus. You must investigate this abandoned lab and find the cure for the virus before the lab is compromised. Time is running out and the fate of humanity rides on the success of your assignment. You have sixty minutes, starting now.
Carley and Marcus hear the door mechanism lock.
Countdown clock above the door begins ticking down.
MARCUS
I told you to wear comfy clothes. Not that skin tight stuff you normally wear.
CARLEY
Sorry, I thought you were kidding.
He does a hand wave of what he’s wearing.
MARCUS
Do I look like I’m kidding? We’re going to be crawling around on the floor…
Carley points to the countdown clock.
CARLEY
Fifty seven minutes left. Okay my friend, we should get looking.
Carley moves off to investigate.
Marcus watches her for a few seconds until she looks at him and then he starts looking for clues.
CARLEY
Have you done many of these before?
MARCUS
Quite a few actually. Why?
CARLEY
What are we looking for?
MARCUS
Clues. You know like codes, or notes or… stuff like that.
Carley accidently hits a box and it pops open. She reaches in and picks up a slip of paper.
CARLEY
You mean something like this?
Marcus hurries over to her.
MARCUS
Beginner’s luck. Yeah stuff like that.
CARLEY
What does it mean?
MARCUS
I don’t know. I’ll collect the clues when we get them. Just keep looking.
CARLEY
You got it!
She returns to searching the room.
Marcus checks the countdown clock. Forty seven minutes left.
Carley spots a spy camera near the back of the room. She clears her throat to get Marcus’s attention. He looks over to her.
She points to the camera.
CARLEY
What do you suppose that’s for?
MARCUS
You ask a lot of questions. We’re running out of time.
CARLEY
I don’t mean to, I just want to understand how to play. I know how much you like winning.
(under her breath)
At other people’s expense.
MARCUS
What did you say?
CARLEY
Nothing…
She backs into a grandfather clock. As it chimes, its door opens and reveals a clue. She picks up the note.
When he hears the clock chime, Marcus hurries over.
Carley reads the note to Marcus.
CARLEY
The time is now to be on your way. Make no waste and find the urn made of clay.
(beat)
Urn of clay?
MARCUS
We need to find an urn made of clay. It could be anywhere. Hurry, we’re running out of time. You take that side of the room and I’ll take this side.
Carley searches her side of the room.
Marcus searches his side. He checks the countdown clock.
MARCUS
Ten minutes to go. We need to kick it up a notch.
As Marcus looks through a book case, he finds the clay urn. He turns to see where Carley is.
She is on her hands and knees searching.
Marcus admires her for a moment, shakes his head and focuses on the urn. There is nothing inside it, so he examines the outside carefully.
CARLEY
Anything yet?
Her question startles Marcus and he almost drops the urn.
MARCUS
No, nothing yet. Keep looking.
Marcus continues to examine the urn… WHEN:
The room goes pitch black.
CARLEY
What the… glad I’m not afraid of the dark.
MARCUS
Carley, stay where you are. I’ll come find you.
CARLEY
Okay. Be careful!
Marcus holds the urn in one arm and uses his other arm to feel in front of him as he moves slowly to where Carley is.
MARCUS
I can’t see a damn thing.
CARLEY
That’s cuz it’s dark, silly.
MARCUS
Ha, ha.
As Marcus feels his way along, he stubs his toe and falls forward, he drops the urn…
The lights turn on…
His eyes adjust in time as he falls into into Carley’s arms.
The urn smashes on the floor, fragments go everywhere.
CARLEY
I got ya, big boy.
Carley catches Marcus and steadies him as they are face to face with their arms around each other.
Seconds pass as they gaze into each other’s eyes.
MARCUS
I’ve never done one of these before. I’m sorry I lied.
CARLEY
It’s okay. I kinda figured.
Marcus leans in and steals a lingering kiss from Carley.
Carley smiles.
CARLEY
What smashed?
MARCUS
Just a silly old clay urn.
Marcus kisses Carley again.
A buzzer sounds, the room door unlocks and opens…
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Hi Edward!
What a terrific setting and set up for the interest techniques! I’m impressed.
Traits:
Marcus: It’s easy to see his commanding and strategic traits in several places when he’s telling her what to do. You might think about removing or changing the following sentence to subtext, his “I don’t know,” because it doesn’t fit his traits. Carley says she’s ‘sorry’ which is his apologetic trait.
Carley: Her appearance provides the distracting trait. She’s tough and caring when she helps Marcus, but I don’t see her polite trait as well. The fact that she’s accident-prone in finding the clues gives her a different trait. I don’t remember any subtext lines for the characters. The one line she mumbles (“at other peoples’ expense”) about Marcus made me think she didn’t care for him at all. If so, why are they best friends?
Interest Techniques:
You have set up many of these techniques! Good job. A real motivation to win the game could raise the stakes dramatically. Will they win something? Is this a tournament? Something that makes us care about the ticking clock you set up so well. By making Marcus unfamiliar with the game weakens the impact of his traits, the suspense, the dilemma. What could happen with a major twist if she’s really good a this game, even though it’s her first time? Maybe she’s been asked at the last minute. How does this scene change if he’s good at it? You’ve set up a cool abandoned lab with the virus, etc., but it doesn’t lead us anywhere in the plot. Could an announcer of the time and consequences work to add more suspense? Maybe it’s not really a game at the end and we find out in a big surprise moment which could create a future in addition to the nice kiss. This could add a mislead and reveal. Maybe that’s another major twist and cliffhanger. Maybe they’ll be infected if they don’t find the clues. I hope you don’t mind the suggestions. You see where you’re scene has led me? Because it’s a super idea!
Thanks so much for our together in this class.
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Ed:
Another interesting scene. You applied most of the interest techniques but was a little confused about the Marcus and Carley fighting each other and then ending up in a kiss. It seemed to me to be more of flirting and struggling to understand what they were suppose to do in the Escape Room. I think you could heighten the tension by having more overt disagreement/conflict.
The character traits worked well but there seems to be a blending of Marcus and Carley traits. The dilemma you have placed them in is filled with opportunities to elevate the traits and create a distinct difference between the two characters.
One way to improve the tension is to put some “stake at risk” with the countdown. The greater the risk, like have to pay double for the experience, creates more urgency and builds anticipation for a “Reveal”.
Overall, you continue to demonstrate the various techniques in the class and I see improvement with each writing assignment.
Now that the class is complete, I welcome staying in touch and supporting each other in the development of our scripts. Let me know if you are interested. Otherwise, thanks for sharing this journey and continued great fortune in your screenwriting endeavors.
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Edward:
If you want to stay in touch and build a creative and collaborative relationship, my email is kerr9606@comcast.net.
Feel free to connect any time.
Thanks,
Bob Kerr
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Denice’s Rewrite, QE Cycle #6
Logline: Two FBI Agents at odds with each other face imminent death.
Essence: They love each other.
Scene:
EXT. ARIZONA, SONORAN DESERT – NIGHT
Storm clouds play hide-and-seek with the moon. Enormous scorpion scurries under a rock.
Eighteen-wheeler roars over a dirt road. A huge steel pipe looms on its flatbed trailer. Semi grinds to a halt by a wide ditch.
TWO MEN in lab coats leap from the semi. Unhook the cables. Roll the pipe off the trailer.
Screams, yells echo from inside. Steel pipe thuds into the ditch.
The truck turns around. Rumbles toward the dim lights of an industrial complex almost concealed in the rocky bluffs.
Lightning flashes behind the mountains.
Voices echo out of the pipe.
MARCUS (O.S.)
Darn. Their tactics sure are efficient.
CARLEY (O.S.)
My arms are falling asleep.
INT. PIPE – NIGHT
Pale light from each end of the pipe reveals two people. They face each other, hands tied over their heads. Ankles bound together.
CARLEY STONE (26), is baby-doll pretty. Curvaceous body belies the tough FBI agent.
MARCUS MANN (32), is her rugged, Southern, FBI superior. A trickle of blood runs over his black eye.
CARLEY
You’re bleeding, Agent Mann, Sir. You okay?
MARCUS
I do apologize for my eye crashing into your elbow. However, it wasn’t my chest that bumped the lever which brought the guards a runnin’. Almost thought you betrayed us on purpose.
She butts him in the face with her head. He yells.
CARLEY
I’m no traitor. You wouldn’t have noticed if you hadn’t been staring.
He sighs.
MARCUS
Tonight, I’m sorry you have a chest, darlin’.
CARLEY
Please cut out the endearments. I work under you.
She bites her lip. He grins. Gazes into her eyes. She hesitates, looks away.
CARLEY
Your idea of sneaking into the buildings instead of getting a warrant got us into this mess.
MARCUS
Waste of time when they’ve paid off the judge, the sheriff, the whole damn county. Wanted to catch them in the act.
Thunder shakes the pipe. Thousands of pings hit the pipe.
CARLEY
I’d rather the raindrops were falling on my head.
MARCUS
Right. Open you knees.
CARLEY
I beg your pardon?
MARCUS
We can’t get outta’ here unless we bend our knees and scooch to the end.
CARLEY
Come up with a different ingenious ides, Sir.
Muddy water oozes over them. Carley yelps.
MARCUS
Open your knees, unless you want to drown. A direct order, Agent Stone.
Her jaw tightens. She opens her knees. He puts one of his between them.
MARCUS
Now move.
Like an uncoordinated caterpillar, they rub against each other while inching toward the end of the pipe.
MARCUS
Watch it darlin’. I need those.
CARLEY
I don’t need that.
MARCUS
Forgive me. I’m doing my best under dire circumstances.
EXT. PIPE – NIGHT
Total darkness. Except for intermittent lightning. Rain pours.
Marcus and Carley wiggle out of the pipe. Sink in an inch of mud.
MARCUS
That worked better than expected. Nothing like movement to get the old blood circulating.
CARLEY
My hands are numb.
MARCUS
I’m sorry. Should have come alone. Too bad you broke our flashlight over that guard’s head.
CARLEY
I have a penlight.
Thunder shakes the sky.
MARCUS
Planning on divulging the location before we drown?
CARLEY
It’s . . . ah, under my t-shirt . . . in . . .
MARCUS
Guess I didn’t have a lock on strategy after all.
CARLEY
Are we going to die?
MARCUS
I’m not ready.
CARLEY
Please hurry up.
MARCUS
I love the way to say please.
She looks into his eyes. Melts. Looks away.
Flashes of lightning highlight Marcus as he lowers his head. His mouth rummages around in her tank top.
CARLEY
“Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers brought forth on this continent” . . . oh .
His head pops up. He smiles.
MARCUS
Sorry. Hard findin’ something small in there.
CARLEY
SIR. I swear I’ll make your eyes match.
He chuckles. Resumes his task.
CARLEY
Ah, “our forefathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in libertEEE “. . .
Marcus pulls out the penlight. Clicks it on. Shines the small light on the deep gully, then back toward the pipe.
Flood water screams in the distance. Races toward them.
MARCUS
Help me flip on my back. We need the water that’s comin’ to loosen the ropes so you can full free and save yourself.
CARLEY
Think of something else. I can’t watch you drown.
MARCUS
It’s an order, Carley.
She rolls on top of him.
The flood sounds like a maddened beast. A ten-foot wave smashes over them. They disappear underwater.
Carley pushes her head above water. Gasps. She yanks her hands. Slips from the rope. She lifts Marcus’s head above the water.
CARLEY
Marcus, Marcus.
He surges up, desperate arms around Carley. Chokes. Coughs.
MARCUS
I get the top next time.
She smiles.
The flood flows past. They lie in three inches of water.
Faint alarms ring through the dark night.
MARCUS
We didn’t trigger those alarms.
CARLEY
Don’t they think we’re dead?
MARCUS
Shit. They’re dumpin the pesticides to make sure.
He fumbles with their ankle ropes.
A glowing green wave swells toward them.
He loosens the last knot. Struggles up the muddy bank.
MARCUS
Climb.
Carley slips back into the gully. Marcus slides down. Wraps his arms around her waist. Hauls her to safely. They collapse in a heap. She stares into his eyes.
CARLEY
You can let me go.
MARCUS
Don’t want to.
He wipes straggles of hair from her face.
MARCUS
I was worried there for a second that we’d have six-legged babies.
CARLEY
You want children?
MARCUS
Only with you.
Their passionate kiss is life-affirming.
Five Native American spears jab into their shoulders.
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Denice:
What a masterful rewrite! I believe you have elevated this scene from the original post to something that represents a viable scene in a screenplay. Truly enjoyed the way you wove the interest techniques into the situation. Your creativity in designing this situation provides a launching pad for the next scene.
Regarding the interest techniques, I saw all of them but there might be an opportunity to end with a cliffhanger. As they kiss, they hear the truck coming back to verify their dead. This creates a real bridge to the next scene and continues to build on the excellent tension and conflict you have created.
Regarding the character traits and subtexts, again great work in weaving them into the scene. Loved the banter and dialogue between the two. Particularly loved the sequence where Marcus is fishing for the penlight and Carley’s efforts to distract both him and I imagine herself.
Throughout the class you have demonstrated a masterful creativity in setting the scene. As we have worked our way through the assignments, it is easy to see the growth in your work. Well done!
Now that the class is finished, if you are interested in staying connected to read, support and bounce ideas off, I welcome that opportunity. Let me know. Otherwise, continued success and I look forward to seeing one of your scripts on the big screen in the near future.
Bob Kerr
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Your comments are always so uplifting! Thank you, Robert. I appreciate your insight. If I were going to get to write this screenplay (which we can’t), I would probably add something in the beginning to denote the Sonoran desert is part of a Native American reservation. That would give my last sentence about native spears more of a cliffhanger and set up the story for how Native Americans feel about the pesticides and our heroes involvement with them.
I would love to keep in touch and be helpful to each other. My email is prismartsllc@gmail.com. Feel free to email me any time. It was great sharing the class with you.
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Denice:
Thank you for your comments and your contact information. My email is: kerr9606@comcast.net.
I look forward to a collaborative experience in the future.
Sincerely,
Bob Kerr
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Denice:
Good morning.
I sent you and email last night to confirm your address and to answer your questions about the rowing scene.
Unfortunately the email address: prismartsllc@gmail came back with permanent errors.
If you check back here: my email is: kerr9606@comcast.net.
Hope we can connect and continue to support our screenwriting ambitions.
Sincerely,
Bob Kerr
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Bob Kerr: Rewrite of QE Cycle #6
LOGLINE:
Two coxswains must work together to prepare for the biggest regatta of their lives while sparring with each other.
ESSENCE:
Two coxswains are mutually attracted to each other and fight to cover-up they love each other.
INT: SHOCKER BOAT HOUSE – EVENING
It is early evening in late September as rowing coach MIKE POSTON, a 6’3″ lean man with wavy hair, stands in the middle of the boat racks while instructing his crew at the end of a grueling practice.
MIKE:
Okay crew. I know this was a particularly challenging practice but that is nothing compared to what we will face tomorrow. Yale is a seasoned crew and they aren’t coming here just to make a show of it. Now today we’ll wrap-up with a 3 mile run. Now get going.
There is general grumbling among the crew but they start out the door.
MIKE:
MARCUS & CARLEY you two coxswains stay behind. I got something special for you two.
MARCUS HAUSER, a 5’5″ slightly built college senior with blond hair and blue eyes, and sophomore CARLEY GONZALES , a 5’2″ woman with straight raven colored hair and hazel eyes, look at each other and shrug their shoulders in resignation.
MARCUS:
(whispers to Carley)
If you get me tossed out of my boat, you’ll regret it and you can take that to the bank.
CARLEY:
(whispers back to Marcus)
I didn’t do anything. Just followed your lead out there, captain.
They both walk around the boat racks and stand in front of Mike.
MIKE:
I don’t know what is going on with you two but the stunt you pulled out on the water today is unacceptable. With the regatta tomorrow we need to be humming like a well-oiled crew. Since you are in leadership roles, the two of you are going to tune-up all the rigors and oar locks in this boat house. Maybe that will teach you to work together.
MARCUS
Sorry for any problems coach. I’ll make sure we get this done and we’ll be ready for Yale.CARLEY:
Absolutely coach.
MIKE:
You’ll get it done or your both off the crew. Is that understood?
MARCUS & CARLEY
(in unison)
Yes coach.
MIKE:
Good. Now I’m off to a donors reception. You lock up and turn off the lights.Don’t even think about leaving early. I will check your work and I’ll know if you finished the job or not.
Mike goes over to the desk at the end of the boathouse and picks up his briefcase and heads towards the door.
MIKE (CONTINUED)
Every last rigor and oar lock and try not to kill each other.
MARCUS:
You can trust us coach. I’ll make sure we get it done.
Mike shrugs his shoulders and exits out the door.
CARLEY:
You’ll take care of it? Coach didn’t say anything about you being in charge.
MARCUS:
Didn’t mean to ruffle your feathers. I think the best strategy is for you to take all the shells and sculls on the lower racks and I’ll take care of the shells on the upper rack.
CARLEY:
That still doesn’t make you the boss of me.
Carley strips off her sweatshirt revealing a tight tank top underneath the sweatshirt that highlights the taut physique of an athlete. She glances over at Marcus, who has paused in his work to admire Carley’s body.
CARLEY:
(CONTINUED)
Who knew rowing could be so dirty. That is my only clean sweatshirt and I’m going to need it for tomorrows race. Don’t strain yourself looking at me. I’m right here.
MARCUS:
I imagine you’re actually pretty use to guys staring at you.
CARLEY:
You didn’t act so interested on the water. What was that all about, anyway?
MARCUS:
I love setting my opponent up to fail, it’s sort of my bag.
CARLEY:
But, I’m not your opponent. I’m your teammate.
MARCUS:
Anybody in another boat on the water is my opponent. It is how I maintain command of my boat. My crew understand I will strategically do anything to win a race. Even in practice.
CARLEY:
(Stops adjusting the rigors and stands with her hands on her hips)
I care about my crew. We may be the novice eight but they will win tomorrow while your varsity eight are clearly in over your head.
Marcus stops what he is doing and faces Carley.
MARCUS:
That almost sounds like a challenge. Want to place a wager on the outcome? My varsity eight in our race and you and your novice eight in your race? Loser has to fix the winner a dinner.
CARLEY:
That sounds like you are asking me out on a date.
MARCUS:
Don’t be evasive. If you think you can coxed your boat to victory than make the commitment.
Take-out doesn’t count. You have to actually cook a meal. I prefer meatloaf.
CARLEY:
You have no idea what you are getting yourself in for it. I’ll take that bet.
Carley starts to walk towards Marcus with her hand extend when she slips on the wet floor and grabs a rigor from a single scull and pulls it down on top of her with a loud thud
Marcus sees this and runs over to where Carley is pinned on the ground underneath the scull.
MARCUS:
Carley, are you okay. I need you to be okay.
CARLEY
(struggling to get the scull off of her)
You need me to be okay? Don’t you mean the crew needs me to be okay?
MARCUS:
No. I mean I need you to be okay. How else are you going to cook my victory meal.
Now lay still and let me get this scull off of you.
Marcus, lifts up the bow and rotates the scull off of Carley.
MARCUS (CONTINUED)
The scull looks to be undamaged. How about you?
Carley slowly sits up and checks her limbs and appears to be okay.
CARLEY:
Now help me up this floor is wet.
Marcus bends down and as he helps Carley to her feet, he pulls her face to face with him. He stares at her hazel eyes and strokes her raven hair. He slowly leans in to kiss Carley.
MARCUS:
I’ve been thinking about that for a long time.
Carley smiles, wraps her arms around his neck.
CARLEY:
What took you so long!
She kisses Marcus and they embrace in a passionate kiss.
Unnoticed by Marcus and Carley, coach Mike has returned to the boathouse.
MIKE:
What the hell is going on in here?
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Hi Robert. It’s always nice to be introduced to something I know nothing about. You have an intriguing setting. Great job.
Traits:
Marcus: It’s easy to see his commanding, strategic, and imaginative traits. You might have a little more information for readers who know nothing about this sport so we can see his strategy easier. You have his apologetic trait, but it could be stronger when Carley pulls the scull down. Maybe he can be responsible for that, accidentally.
Carley: Her tough and caring traits shine through. Her polite and evasive skills could be stronger.
Both characters seem to display a competitive trait the most.
Interest Techniques:
You have anticipatory dialogue for the race, betrayal in what he did to her team on the water, both characters changed with a future, prediction for the race, surprise with the scull falling, the dilemma and uncomfortable moment and hook when they have to work together, the twist. I think a different sentence at the end from Mike would make more of a cliffhanger. Something that puts their next day captaining in real jeopardy. If Carley disappears and says nothing when the scull falls, it would add more suspense. How much does a scull weigh? Could she really be hurt? Wouldn’t Marcus’s reaction really create suspense? You could setup the wet floor in the beginning. Marcus would be more interested in her than the scull and you need to show that when he removes it. I think you can shorten the beginning so that Mike doesn’t take up so much space. It would allow more interaction, and action for your main characters. How do you tune up a rigor and oar lock? Perhaps that can add to your situation. it is hard, dirty, time-consuming? When you rewrite, watch out for repetitive words, ‘now, two’, and repetitive sentences. Marcus states almost the same sentence twice. It would allow you more lines for subtext. I think it’s interesting that you set this up so that the two characters won’t be competing against each other in the race. That’s very different. Super job! This is a very good scene and with a couple of changes and additions, it would be great. Good luck.
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