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Lesson 16: Exchange feedback.
Partner up and exchange feedback.
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19 Replies
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Subject line: John Woodward’s Outline Version 1
Title: FATAL PREJUDICE
Logline: A gutsy inner-city youth teams with a jaded survivalist to terminate an undead slave-ship captain before the vile monster can assassinate a much-loved African American civil rights leader, running for President.
Action Outline:
When an innocent play in a baseball game angers a ruthless crew of gangbangers, the gang chases TREY, a gutsy athletic youth, and his brother DOMINO through the ghetto. When the brothers hide in the hellish sub-basement of a dilapidated tenement, they encounter ELDRIDGE MAKEPEACE, a ghoulish rogue, peering from behind the rusted bars of a crude cage. A hideous scar traverses his neck from earlobe to earlobe. Compounding the mystery, the old-timer speaks in an antiquated British accent, wears his tarry pigtail long in the 18th century style.
As the brothers question Makepeace about his situation, his “keeper” KWA, an elderly African obeah man (shaman), arrives, and reveals clues regarding the mystery of Makepeace, but avoids direct answers.
When the gangbangers arrive to kill Trey and his brother, the pale prisoner employs trickery and insults to goad the intruders. The ploy works. The gangsters shoot the lock off the cell. When Kwa tries to physically stop them from releasing Makepeace, the gang shoots Kwa, and enters the cell to teach Makepeace some manners, but their trusted automatic pistols are powerless against him. Makepeace uses his immense strength to turn the pistol to his gang leader’s head. Boom! Executes him. The gang riddles Makepeace with gunfire, however it affects him very little. He returns fire, slaughtering the gang. Trey and his brother see that the gang’s bullets have virtually no effect against the vile prisoner, providing evidence for Kwa’s claim that Makepeace is an 18th century slave ship captain doomed to the realm of the undead after being killed then cursed by a mutinous African shaman whom he sought to enslave. Trey begins to realize the gang has unwittingly released into the modern world a diabolical and supernatural racist monster. Few hearts beat with more venom than that of the wickedly intelligent and obscenely hostile Captain Eldridge Makepeace.
As soon as Makepeace murders the last gangster, the evil racist shoots Trey’s brother Domino in the back as he sprints for safety. Domino dies in Trey’s arms. Trey, alone, escapes from the vile sub-basement. Trey, alone, realizes the slave trader’s plan to assassinate black leaders, culminating with PATRICIA HAMILTON, a highly admired candidate for U.S. President.
Trey not only battles Makepeace, but he also fights his conscience. Trey blames himself for his brother’s murder because Domino did not want to descend into the sub-basement to hide from the gangbangers. Trey’s quest to avenge his brother’s murder provides additional motivation for him to destroy Makepeace.
When the gang’s surviving members discover their friends slaughtered in the sub-basement, they immediately begin to hunt Trey, assuming that he killed their homies. Makepeace quickly realizes Trey alone can thwart his dark obsession, increasing Makepeace’s motivation to kill Trey. As the vile villain ruthlessly pursues Trey through the ghetto, he forces Trey into a tough adjacent neighborhood.
When Trey breaks into a flat to hide from Makepeace, he finds a stash of weapons. The resident of the flat, JOE ROSELLI, a world-weary loner and survivalist, surprises the young man and holds him at gunpoint for the police. When Makepeace arrives first, Trey and Joe barely survive as they shoot it with Makepeace, then flee together. A neighbor videos Trey and Joe as they appear to viciously execute a helpless old white man (actually, the monster Makepeace) while he lays face-down on the street. The video goes viral and makes the national news. Now, Trey and Joe are wanted for murder so they can’t go to the police for assistance, which makes the mission even more impossible. Can these unlikely allies prevent the immortal embodiment of racism from irreparably scarring America? The immediate answer is no. Joe bails from the fight to save the targeted civil rights leaders because he doesn’t see it as his fight. When Joe abandons Trey, the youngster is once again alone on his increasingly impossible mission: the police, the gangbangers, and Makepeace all hunt Trey.
Soon Makepeace assassinates his first target, the revered civil rights leader WALKER JONES. Joe sees news coverage that Jones was assassinated and realizes his decision to abandon Trey cost the revered leader his life.
Knowing that bullets can’t stop Makepeace, Trey brainstorms a new solution. He purchases a compound bow to fire arrows through Makepeace and pin him to a wall. Trey’s plan slows Makepeace’s advance, but not for long. The ruthless racist breaks free from the arrows and continues to relentlessly pursue Trey. Following a chase through the ghetto, Makepeace pins Trey down in a steel dumpster, and it seems certain that Makepeace finally has Trey at his mercy, but Joe dramatically re-enters the battle at the very last second to rescue Trey from Makepeace. This cements the growing friendship and partnership between Trey and Joe. The unlikely allies are now stuck with each other and grow to rely on each other.
When Makepeace successfully assassinates another beloved national statesman, the atmosphere in the country becomes increasingly chaotic and violent. The urgency of Trey’s mission intensifies exponentially. While Trey and Joe feel defeated at this point, they realize the urgency and danger, and commit to their mission to destroy Makepeace in the face of impossible odds. Seeking to increase their firepower, the unlikely allies break into an armory/compound rumored to be controlled by skinheads. A skinhead gets the drop on Trey, but Joe gets a drop on the skinhead. Joe covers the skinheads as Trey loads weapons into carry bags. The skinheads appeal to Joe as a white man to abandon Trey and join them in the intense riots taking place around the city. Joe, not-so-politely, declines. Trey and Joe successfully leave the armory with several intense weapons, including a bazooka. However, the unlikely allies have made another mortal enemy. The skinhead gang joins the gangbangers, the police, and Makepeace in the hunt to terminate Trey and Joe.
Knowing Trey and Joe are in pursuit, Makepeace accelerates his efforts. This time he finds Trey and Joe as they are pulled over by a police patrol car. As an officer questions Joe and Trey, their adlib answers generate more suspicion from the police. Soon the police order our heroes to put their hands on the hood of the vehicle in order to pat them down. Makepeace takes this opportunity to attack. He wounds both officers, allowing Trey and Joe to escape. As Makepeace moves in to execute the wounded officers, Trey throws Joe’s car into reverse, smashing into Makepeace and saving the patrol officers.
Makepeace again endures the assault by Trey and Joe. As the intense gun battle continues, Makepeace runs out of ammunition. Trey hits the accelerator and peels away with Joe in the passenger seat. Makepeace climbs into the police cruiser and resumes his pursuit. He immediately frees the police shotgun from its rig, but the heroes have clearly made a clean escape. As Makepeace departs the alley in the cruiser, an emergency vehicle arrives to assist the wounded police officers.
Based on televised news reports about Hamilton’s next campaign stop, Trey and Joe decide to get ahead of Makepeace before he can reach Hamilton. Makepeace sees the same report about Hamilton’s campaign on a TV in a gas station, and immediately resumes his relentless pursuit of Hamilton as her campaign moves from New York to Delaware. Once Hamilton is in jeopardy from Makepeace, the stakes are elevated for America, Trey, Joe, and the audience. Makepeace ditches the police cruiser and carjacks a Cadillac from an elderly lady to pursue Trey and Joe.
A vicious gun battle ensues during an intense car chase on the open rural highway of southern New Jersey. After several failed attempts, Trey fires the bazooka, destroying the undead slave trader’s Cadillac, and sending it over a cliff. But once again the immortal villain emerges from the fiery crash damaged but not destroyed. Trey’s plan has completely failed, and it looks like there is little hope because Makepeace is an enemy that cannot be killed even by extremely powerful weapons like a bazooka.
Joe and Trey drive onto a massive ferryboat that will take them across Delaware Bay. The captain of the ferry informs them that the ferry will depart when full. Fearing Makepeace could arrive any minute, Joe and Trey sweat out the suspenseful wait for each car (anyone of which could be Makepeace) to board the ship until full. Once full, the pair bump fists to celebrate the relief they feel. But the relief is short-lived. A rickety pickup truck accelerates toward the ship as workers wait to close the gate as the last vehicle squeezes into the only open slot. The pickup truck rockets up the ramp, access the ferry. The truck smashes into various cars before settling on the ship. Makepeace emerges from the pickup truck, and immediately receives fire from Joe and Trey. The vicious racist battles the unlikely duo on a claustrophobic ferry ride across Delaware bay, an environment with little chance for escape. The gunfire sends passengers overboard or into hiding places.
During the battle, Makepeace appeals to Joe, white man to white man, in order to convince him to betray Trey. This time, Joe replies with bullets. In the gun battle, Makepeace shoots the ferryboat captain who collapses onto the throttle in full steam ahead position. As the ship accelerates toward the shore, the gun battle continues until the ship SLAMS into the dock! Trey and Joe steal a car near the front of the ferry to escape the carnage.
Makepeace tracks Hamilton to a rural hunting-lodge style hotel that she uses to rest up for a campaign appearance. Makepeace battles then kills a dozen secret service agents on his way to Hamilton’s room. Patricia Hamilton physically fights Makepeace, resourcefully defending herself long enough for Trey and Joe to join the battle with the immortal villain. Trey and Joe rescue her for the time being. The stakes rapidly increase for Trey, Joe, Hamilton, and the country.
The climactic battle continues from the hotel to an industrial waterfront. During the fire fight, Joe appears to be trapped in a boat as it sinks offshore. Meanwhile, Makepeace pursues Trey and Hamilton. Eventually Joe re-enters the battle, fires a commercial spear gun (used to hunt whales) from the deck of a nearby ship. A gigantic steal harpoon slams through Makepeace and pins him to a huge wooden dock post. Not dead, but not free, Makepeace curses the pair as they use a chainsaw to cut the wooden post and load it and Makepeace into a truck for transport to the fiend’s final resting place.
Still harpooned to the dock post, Makepeace curses Trey and Joe as they drop him into a cavernous hole dug for a gigantic pilon that forms part of the foundation for an enormous skyscraper under construction near the Statue of Liberty. Joe positions his massive cement truck, and dumps concrete atop the treacherous fiend. The vile Makepeace is not dead, but he may as well be.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by John Woodward.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by John Woodward.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by
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How do we partner up?
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Hi John, I’d be happy to exchange feedback with you. Evelyn
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Excellent.
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Evelyn’s Outline Version 1. What I learned is to keep my focus on the action outline steps, and don’t muddy the waters with a lot of plot details that I plan to include in the script. Keeping it lean makes it easier to see the bones of the story and make sure the structure is strong.
Title: KARMAGEDDON IS A BITCH
Logline: When her little girl is kidnapped and held for an impossible ransom, an MMA fighter decides to get her daughter back and make the kidnappers pay.
Main characters: Mikki (hero, MMA fighter), her husband Reinaldo, their little girl Ava (4). Shayla (villain) and her minions Peg and Flint; all three are fighters.
Location: Las Vegas
Action Outline:
Act One
OPENING: Mikki competes in an MMA fight at a resort casino in Las Vegas, strawweight class (115 lbs), sold-out crowd. In a room, while the fight airs on TV, gloved hands assemble an AR-15 sniper’s rifle from a ghost gun kit. Mikki wins the fight, and the crowd goes crazy, loving her. We see her handsome husband Reinaldo cheering from the front row. In the locker room, Mikki tells reporters she’ll be competing in another fight in two weeks for a charity event for women’s cancer research that deserves their support.
Mikki’s cousin Shayla is secretly a fighter in underground clubs; bantamweight (135 lbs). After losing her fighter, she’s deeper in debt to her promoter, who has been covering her gambling debts. He warns her to pay up, or he’ll turn her over to the club’s enforcers. At home, Shayla plots how she can get the money.
INCITING INCIDENT: Peg snatches Ava at Macy’s and lets Mikki find them in a stairwell; Peg warns Mikki to drop out of the charity bout, which Mikki refuses to do.
Reinaldo’s birthday party is held at their luxury home which has a backyard pool, cabana and guest house. With everyone outside, Shayla trolls the master bedroom, swipes cash from her cousin Mikki’s purse, puts on Reinaldo’s bathrobe and takes a selfie wearing it.
Mikki and Reinaldo have dinner out with friends; while Mikki waits for Reinaldo to get the car, Peg and Flint get her into an alley and attack her. But Mikki lures them into another alley that is renovated for night life entertainment and outdoor dining. Mikki finishes the fight with witnesses who think it is a free floor show for publicity.
Mikki is a guest on a late-night radio talk show, promoting the upcoming charity event. She’s coming out of the studio when she is ambushed by Peg and Flint (both in masks) in the parking lot. The masked sniper aims at Mikki from a nearby rooftop, and shoots. Mikki kicks up at Peg’s chest while twisting away. The bullet hits Flint in the shoulder. Peg warns Mikki that if she goes to the police, they’ll hurt her little girl. Mikki runs to her car and drives off.
Having set up a fake auction online, the masked sniper arranges for Mikki to win it, supposedly buying the boxing gloves Muhammad Ali’s daughter Laila wore in her famous bout against Joe Frazier’s daughter in 2001. Mikki wants to wear Laila’s gloves at the charity event bout and then donate them to the silent auction, so she agrees to pick up the gloves at a house just outside of Vegas instead of risking the mail. Due to the recent attack on Mikki, Reinaldo is nervous about Mikki’s safety and cancels a business trip to drive her to get the gloves.
FIRST TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 1: On a deserted street, an SUV roars up and T-bones the driver’s side of Mikki’s car (which has dark-tinted windows), injuring Reinaldo seriously, then roars off. The masked sniper watches from a distance with binoculars, seeing Mikki stumble out of the passenger side and try to help Reinaldo. The sniper is enraged that Mikki wasn’t driving.
ACT 2
Mikki visits Reinaldo in the hospital, where he is in a coma, not expected to recover.
Shayla begs her parents to loan her the money she needs for her gambling debts, claiming she needs expensive dental surgery. It’s one request too many from their only child (who was diagnosed callous-unemotional aka psychopath years ago), and they refuse her in a desperate attempt at tough love.
Meanwhile, Peg and Flint kidnap Ava along with Mikki’s housekeeper, Pearl.
When Mikki returns home, she finds the ransom note demanding 5 million dollars and threatening to kill Ava and Pearl if Mikki goes to the authorities.
Shayla drops by to return the breadmaker she borrowed, and discovers Mikki distraught. Shayla promises Mikki she will help her raise the ransom money.
MID-POINT
Mikki can’t cancel the charity event because the organizers are counting on her to draw the crowd, so she shows up, ready to fight, despite her worry for Reinaldo, Ava and Pearl. There is a $50k purse for the winner, which she needs to win toward the ransom. Peg prevents the fighter who is supposed to battle Mikki from showing up, and fights in her stead, and defeats Mikki.
Due to Reinaldo’s serious medical condition, Mikki’s promoter puts her on compassionate medical leave for six months, so she will not be competing in pro bouts until then–which means no income from her fights.
Shayla brainstorms ideas with Mikk about how to earn money, and admits she can’t help because she’s in debt herself. Shayla tells Mikki to do an illegal fight to get the ransom money, but Mikki refuses, knowing that would kill her professional career.
Mikki gets a text message from Pearl that she and Ava are being held on a houseboat at Lake Mead Marina. Driving to the marina after midnight, Mikki is harassed on the deserted Lakeshore Road by Peg and Flint in separate cars. They chase her but Mikki is victorious and drives off while their cars are in the sand.
At the marina, the masked sniper takes aim at Mikki and shoots but misses, then runs to a waiting speedboat and roars away. Mikki sees a couple with a picnic basket getting in their speedboat for a moonlight outing and convinces them she’s rehearsing for a film and must chase the other boat. They roar after the masked sniper, whose boat hits a spit of land and is upended. The masked sniper swims away from the crash and staggers to shore, peeling away her disguise and prosthetic makeup, revealing Shayla to us.
Back at the marina, the couple help Mikki search unoccupied rental houseboats in the dock and find one of Ava’s sneakers.
Shayla returns to an empty vacation cabin where she’s holding Ava and Pearl, kills Pearl and buries her body in the wilderness.
SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 2: Shayla’s parents drop by Shayla’s townhouse, thinking she is gone, bringing an envelope of money, having cashed out a retirement fund after feeling guilty for turning her down. Shayla is in her room and hears them. They discover Shayla’s wall of creepy photos that outline her plan to kill Mikki and usurp her place in life as Reinaldo’s wife and Ava’s mommy. Shayla kills her parents. We see that Ava is drugged and sleeping in a dog crate on the back porch.
Shayla calls Mikki in the guise of the kidnapper. Mikki begs for more time to get the ransom money, and the kidnapper agrees to another 48 hours. Mikki borrows money from wealthy friends, promising to sell her house to repay them, evading their questions of why she needs it.
Peg and Flint mug Mikki on the way home from the bank and so she still doesn’t have the ransom amount.
ACT 3
CRISIS/DILEMMA: Mikki realizes the only way she can earn the rest of the ransom money is to fight at an illegal club. Doing so will mean she must give up her professional career and title as a sanctioned MMA fighter.
Shayla meets with her fight club promoter and promises she’ll bring the famous fighter Mikki to his club, demanding the highest prize and a cut, but hiding her part in all this from Mikki.
CLIMAX: During Mikki’s fight club bout against a woman in her own class, the fight is abruptly stopped. Two men blindfold Mikki, to the roar of approval from the crowd. And then Shayla comes out as her opponent, stronger and heavier, confident she will win. But Mikki is driven to get the money for Ava’s freedom and fights a dirty fight, winning against all odds.
Mikki races to the dropoff point with the ransom money.
At the dropoff, three masked thugs attack Mikki. Mikki fights back, defeating Peg and Flint, and unmasking Shayla as the kidnapper. Shocked, Mikki grabs her money and goes to Shayla’s house, realizing that is where Ava must be. But Ava is not there!
RESOLUTION: Mikki finds Ava at her own house, in the guest house by the pool. Shayla bursts in. Shayla has knives and rage on her side, but Mikki has a daughter to defend. Mikki tries to avoid killing her cousin. Shayla pushes the fight to a single choice: who will live–Shayla or Ava? Mikki kills Shayla, hugs Ava, and then calls the police.
TAG: Reinaldo recovers. Mikki, Reinaldo and Ava go on a picnic with their new dog.
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Evelyn’s feedback for John’s Action Outline V1, “Fatal Prejudice”
Hi John, first of all, this sounds like an amazing action adventure story to rival fan-favorites like Pirates of the Caribbean, and I see you succeeding with this.
You probably have a lot of notes that aren’t in the outline, but I have these questions:
Para 3 – is KWA dead? What if he is only injured badly, and could turn up later as Trey’s much-needed ally to help him uncover weaknesses that Makepeace has?
Para 7 –the shoot-out with Makepeace — does he shapeshift into human form? How is he in the street apparently dead if he can’t be killed? What if there is part of his backstory that tells us he grows weaker with each seeming death? Why did he come back at this time? If we had a good reason he came back to DC with a goal of his own, I think that would be stronger than a general plan to destroy black people. I’d like to see Makepeace more as a person than a one -note monster on a killing rampage. I’d suggest building humanity into his story, such as a backstory that shows his own family was killed in an uprising and he took revenge by becoming a slaver–not that it makes him likable, but at least understandable. Right now, just from this outline and not seeing all the notes you have in mind for your story, he’s more like a Godzilla that just needs to be destroyed.
Para 9 – question: bullets can’t stop him but arrows can? If so, go ahead and take a moment to explain the incongruity (because this outline feels like a great start on the script synopsis you’ll use for pitching)
Para 11 – car smash; MP is injured but not killed. It seems like you’re saying he can be hurt but there’s no lasting damage to him. But what if there is? What if he is weakened in each attack so that we can see Trey has an improving chance against MP the more he can weaken his opponent? But then maybe there is something MP knows how to get, such as a potion or device that renews his strength, leading to an all-is-lost moment for Trey when MP is not only healed, but even stronger than before? Maybe it’s something that KWA knows about and MP must torture KWA to get this secret healing potion, chant, or device?
Para 19 – If you want to open the door to sequels, maybe you’d like to let us see Makepeace clawing his way up the wet concrete?
Overall, you’ve built incredible action scenes into the story. If Makepeace’s goal is to kill all black people, I think it would make this an uncomfortable film to watch and difficult to promote. But what if… Hamilton is the descendant of a slave Makepeace had a big fight with and nearly died from when he was a human trader? We could learn this from a few quick flashbacks. All these years, he’s tracked her from wherever he is caged so that he can’t get out, but now he’s freed (for some great reason you’ll explain) and he’s got vengeance on his mind. I think if you tweak the story (again, you may have all this in your notes) so that it is more personal, it will be a more engaging story rather than a monster-on-the-loose. And how about having MP kill some whites, enraged they are friends/lovers with people of color and that makes him extra-angry?
Again, this is a terrific action story, and I wish you all the best in getting it produced so we can all see it!
Evelyn
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Wow. Evelyn, you made so many great points. I have answers to some, but I see how they are not being communicated. My idea is that bullets knock Makepeace back like bullets slowed the Terminator, but he recovers perhaps with additional scars. I will send you Feedback later today, and I’ll revise my outline.
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John’s feedback for Evelyn’s Outline V1 KARMAGEDDON IS A BITCH
Cool title.
I know you have numerous details in mind beyond the outline. My questions follow:
Regarding the INCITING INCIDENT, why does minion Peg want Mikki to drop out of a charity fight? How does it help raise money for Shayla to pay her gambling debts?
The first time Shayla begs her parents to loan her money might belong in Act 1.
Given villain Shayla’s mission to get money to pay gambling debts, it’s probably important for the reader to understand how Shayla benefits from the alley attack on Mikki.
Does Mikki later see the photo of Shayla in Reinaldo’s bathrobe and suspect an affair between her husband and Shayla? This could be one of several issues that create a low point for Mikki in which she feels it is impossible to succeed. It definitely creates empathy for Mikki.
How does the trio raise money from the attempts on Mikki’s life? Seems they need Mikki to be alive in order for her to raise money to pay a ransom.
As an action story, this seems doable on a modest budget, which you likely know opens up the large number of producers who operate in that budget range. Once the script is polished, you probably want to consider submitting to MMA Stars who do movies or aspire to star in films.
Once you finish the script, I’d be happy to read it. My email is tazfilms@yahoo.com
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Thank you so much for the great notes! I appreciate the feedback. Evelyn
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Pat Galbraith’s Outline Version 1
Title: Belle Star
Logline: 1863, When renegades from Northern troops invade Missouri burning homes
and killing civilians, Myra Shirley (Belle Star) joins forces with outlaws to run the Civil
War Renegades off.
Action Outline:
Act I
Opening
1863, Belle Starr was born as Myra Belle Shirley in the back woods of Missouri.
A colonial home sits under big oak trees where Myra Shirley lives with her family.
Myra loves her horse and talks to him frequently.
Jesse James and the younger brothers often sit at the Judge Shirley’s dinner table. They
make jokes and tease Myra.
Bud teaches Myra how to ride and shott. And how to hit a target with a knife.
Bud and Myra do chores around the farm.
Myra is one of six children.
At sixteen she holds up a doctor’s office to get medicine for a younger dying brother.
She has a horse named Venus.
She rides well. She can hit a target with her knife throwing skills.
2.Inciting Incident
Renegade northern troops invade the states of Missouri and Oklahoma, burning homes
and killing civilians.
3. First Turning Point attend of Act 1
Myra learns of neighbor’s babies being killed, fathers hung, and mother raped by the malicious evil soldiers.
After seeing families burned out and slaughtered, Myra joins a neighborhood outlaw gang with her brother Bud Shirley.
ACT II
Things change she begins to ride with the outlaw gang to stop the renegades.
They search the area for where the Renegades are camping.
They hear of raids that are going on.
4. Mid-Point
When the younger farm, is targeted. She joins with Bud, her brother to help them kill them off when they arrive to burn and kill the youngers’ out.
Myra’s outlaw gang is successful and run the Renegade soldiers off the Younger’s farm..
5. Second Turning Point at end of Act 2
The Shirley Home is targeted by the raiders leaving their home a heap of ashes
Myra’s gang learns where the renegades are camping on a hill outside town.
Someone gets word to the Renegade troops of her impending attack.
ACT III
6.Crisis 1
Her gang is met by a small scouting troop.
Her gang chase them back to the campsite.
They ride there with plans to kill them all.
They are outnumbered. It’s a dark day.
In a nearby town where Bud is visiting friends, He is killed by Henry Brice, Captain of a
northern troop.
She vows to marry the man who will kill the man who killed her brother.
She begins to dress in black and sometimes shows off her shooting skills in town.
In a Saloon, Reed, tells her he will kill Brice for her.
8. Climax
A few days later they decide to attack the troops after dark.
They ride to the camp. Get control of the men and kill them one by one. But Henry Brice,
the man who killed her brother escapes
She and her gang ride to kill the man who killed her brother. He’s not home when they arrive.
They hold his family hostage and plan to kill them too. When he returns to the house, she
gets him in at gunpoint.
He jumps her, and they wrestle taking the gun from her. Reed enters and throws a knife.
Stabs Brice in the heart. Brice falls to the floor.
Resolution:
She lets Henry Brice’s wife and family go.
She marries Reed the man who killed Brice.
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If anyone wants to partner up, I would appreciate your thoughts.
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Hi! I’m happy to partner up, if that works for you. 🙂
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Patricia’s Action Outline 1
Title: Deadly Freeze
Logline: During a Polar Vortex, a federal prison loses electricity, leaving the prisoners in the Protective Custody Unit in a deadly freeze, prompting a survivalist with one week left on his sentence to lead a daring prison break to save the abandoned inmates’ lives.
Note: This is just the major action points of the script. There are relationship and character emotion building moments, as well. Here are the character profiles to give you some backstory and fill in some blanks (you can skip it, if it isn’t useful to you). Yep, I’m over-explaining. 🙂
Lead Character: Donovan (aka The Broker)
Protagonist is a 40-something survivalist and loner who is jokingly referred to as The Broker. Everyone in the prison has a different story as to why, but only one of the guards knows the true story (and he taunts Donovan with it whenever possible).
Donovan is a silent observer – someone who calculates the advantage of interaction and is always looking for the threats against him. He is cunning, capable, and suspicious. He has the grudging respect of some of the other inmates in the Protective Custody Unit – all for different reasons. Is he dangerous? He’s unnervingly still. When he speaks, people listen, and they don’t know why.
He’s not an overwhelming physical presence. But his ability to calculate risk means that he is often right. He’s a little spooky and that has earned him some credibility. He doesn’t get involved without reason. Ever.
Superficially, he’s a man doing his time and counting the hours until he leaves the prison. But where is he going? Back to the woods where he spent the last decade? Home is a concept long gone for him. The physical house sold to pay restitution would only have been a reminder of the younger brother who killed himself there after getting caught in a scheme that ultimately landed Donovan in prison.
Guilt drives him. And we see this in his relationships with the young agent in the opening, the kid in SEG, and Brian.
He knows that the polar vortex is coming. But when he is offered a chance to be evacuated, he hesitates. He is the only with the survival skills to help the men who are being left behind.
Lead Character 2: Brian
Brian is a naïve, young guard who is frightened of the inmates and eager to please. Because he is easily physically and psychologically intimated he’s likely to pull a gun or call for a lockdown because he knows that he can’t win in a hand-to-hand fight. He has been at the prison for less than a month when the polar vortex arrives.
His father was former military, but Brian washed out of the marines. He has a sense of duty, and he wants to serve and distinguish himself. He’s desperate for approval, and he looks for it from other guards, warden and even some of the more formidable inmates.
His desire to please makes him susceptible to influence from those in authority who do not have his interests at heart. He starts off blind, and it leads him down a dangerous path. But while he comes off as a “yes man,” he has a deeply moral center. He knows what the right thing is, and eventually chooses that path, even though he may not survive it.
Antagonist:
Randall Sykes is a 50-something, by-the-book head guard who is corporate’s favorite inside man. He was set to retire early but the pension fund was decimated in a Ponzi scheme, and his days at the for-profit prison are just going to get longer. And he’s bitter.
This is not a mustache-twirling bad guy. He believes in what he does. He’s not entirely without heart, but he sees himself as the only defense an innocent public has. He also knows that unless he keeps corporate happy, his own livelihood is at risk. Why should he risk his way of life for people who didn’t play by the rules?
Sykes knows Donovan’s actual story. And he knows that Donovan’s brother killed himself because of it. But rather than spreading the story among the inmates, he holds it. He likes feeling like he has some power over someone who worked in an industry that he blames for all the shit that has gone wrong in his life. And Sykes resents that Donovan has the grudging respect of most of the inmates, when he has to kiss corporate’s ass just to get overtime covered. He’s certainly not going to take Donovan’s advice – even if he secretly worries that Donovan is right.
Action Outline:
Opening
A crunch of snow underfoot. A crack of twigs. Eyes peering out from a survivalist dugout in the woods. Agents swarming the camp after a tip-off. Agent falls into the dug-out, the man (Donovan) hiding there runs through a warren of self-dug caves, into the forest — desperate not to be captured. A young agent is on his heels. Donovan evades him, until the agent follows him to a river. Donovan gets the drop on him — they struggle. The young agent thinks he has him beat, but finds himself looking up at Donovan with a hatchet in his hand. All seems lost for the young agent, but when Donovan can kill, he stops. The fury drains out of him. He drops the hatchet, gets to his knees, and waits to be arrested. (scene in class 11 and 12)
[Time Jump]
Inciting Incident
The storm is only 12 hours away. Warden of the for-profit prison is faced with evacuating as many prisoners as possible to other, safer prisons, at a price. Rather than removing everyone, the head guard (our villain Sykes) convinces her to leave the men of the protective custody unit and SEG behind — saving the prison $3 million in fines and further punishing our hero (who only had days left on his sentence).
Panic sets into the yard, as rumors of who is being left behind swirl. A kid awaiting trial gets into a fight with one of the jittery inmates. Brian, an inexperienced guard, grabs for his gun and accidentally shoots one of the older inmates. The yard is put into lockdown. The kid is taken to SEG. The older inmate is removed from PCU and taken to the hospital. But all eyes turn to Brian, who is riddled with guilt. Only Donovan (our hero) finds a way to calm those who want to go after him. There is no mistaking the tension.
First Turning Point at end of Act 1
The warden is ordered to get all prisoners with less than a week on their sentences onto the buses for an early release by the Governor. Sykes is pissed, and he taunts Donovan. It’s the last bus out. Sykes will ride the steps. And while Donovan could be free, he chooses not to get on the bus. He warns Sykes not to take the bus out — that it is too late. But Sykes refuses to listen.
Donovan returns to PCU with Brian, who has been chosen to stay behind to guard those abandoned there. Decision made, Donovan tries to ready those who will remain for the storm. But they are woefully short on supplies and time.
Mid-Point
The storm arrives and the power goes out. Pipes burst, sending flooding and freezing water down the shafts and throughout the building. Windows begin blowing out. Any movement could risk electrocution, but staying risks freezing to death. Logically, they could overpower Brian, take their revenge for the shooting, and escape the prison tower. But go where? Into the storm? Is any shelter better than being outside and free?
We cut to the last bus of prisoners feeling in the storm. Tornadic-force winds, ice, and snow descend. The engine stalls. The driver repeatedly tries to get the engine started again and panic takes hold. Sykes braves the storm to fix the engine battery cable despite the For a second, a moment of victory. Hope that they can keep moving.
But a spark sets off an explosion in the engine, and flames burst into the bus. Sykes is blown out the doors. the inmates are chained to the seats. The men in the front are incinerated, but the men in back work together to try to free themselves as the windows burst around them and the fire drills toward them (scene is in class 15)
Sykes regains consciousness. He makes a move to try to open the emergency door of the bus to save the chained men who might still be alive. But the door won’t open. Metal shards and glass from the bus are flying. It’s too late. A scorched Sykes is left in agony. Just as he is about to succumb, grim determination sets in. He turns back to the prison and Donovan.
Second Turning Point at end of Act 2
Decision made to leave the unit and move to another floor, but the building is crumbling and water/ice shards cascade down an already faulty elevator shaft. At the ledge, they hear screams from below — SEG is being flooded, and a young inmate, who our hero tried to take under his wing earlier, is in SEG. A mission is hatched for our hero and another inmate to go try to save the kid.
Crisis
The building continues to take the brunt of the storm. It shudders and quakes. Crashing sounds and bending steel foreshadow the destruction of a staircase, just as the hero and his cohorts make it to SEG. But it’s too late. Everyone in SEG, including the kid are dead — either from drowning or hypothermia, as the water turned to ice.
Defeated, Donovan tries to lead the men back upstairs to rejoin the group. But the stairs we saw earlier have pancaked. Their only choice is to climb the elevator shaft. But the ladder rungs are made of steel — which have become brittle as the deadly freeze moved in. They struggle to climb the ladder — losing skin on their hands to frostbite in the process. Donovan clears the way. He’s ready to help Rodriguez up. A cascade of ice plunges toward him. His left hand shatters. His feet slip as the metal rung below him cracks. He spins and smashes into the metal rail. Donovan reaches down to grab him, but Rodriguez grabs the ladder. They breathe a sigh of relief that he’s safe. CRASH! A massive ice sheet violently plunges past the open shaft, slicing into Rodriguez, sweeping his already lifeless body down the elevator shaft and onto the stalled car below.
Regrouping
The men regroup. They know they can’t go down again, and the building continues to shift ominously. They make a plan to go one level up to the guard/bridge level.
Crisis
Donovan leads the men to the next level’s security door. Hero uses his unique skills to get the manual lock to trigger and open, but the system is fried and sparking. Someone will have to hold the door open, in order for people to get out and then try to escape before it closes. Jackson volunteers, knowing that Donovan is their only hope for escape, and that many of the other men have a chance at a new life on the outside. He’s a lifer — this is his shot at redemption. The men get past the door, but Jackson is electrocuted as the generator rebounds.
The remaining men, including our hero, make it to the guard level, only to find a hellscape. Electrical has sparked a fire, and the windows had already blown out in the storm. Fire and ice combine. There is no relief here. There is only one choice — Donovan tells them that they’ll have to climb out the window in a raging storm as the building continues to fall — using what they can find in the lockers to control their descent. But first, they have to get across the fire into the frozen control room. Not great odds, but the only shot they have to live.
Climax
The inmates go out what is left of the window to scale down the building in the height of the storm. But Sykes made it across the bridge and onto the guard level. There’s a standoff between Donovan and Sykes. Donovan is stalling in hopes that the men get to safety. Villain shoots at Donovan, but the young guard pushes him out of the way and takes the bullet. Donovan tries to talk Sykes out of doing anymore damage. Tells him that he can help him. That they can all walk away from this. But Sykes is beyond listening and raises the gun again. Not knowing that the bullet that hit the young guard, also splintered one of the last standing supports for the ceiling. As Sykes fires, the ceiling comes down on him and kills him.
Resolution
Donovan takes Brian down the building — when it looks like there is no way that they’ll get to shelter fast enough to survive, they are met by the surviving men who have managed to start one of the prison vehicles. They escape together into the prison garage, which is miraculously still standing.
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I would be happy to partner up Patricia Steffy. Thank you
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Patricia’s Feedback for Pat Galbraith’s Outline Version 1
I think you’ve done a great job of creating a concept that delivers!
– Your hero is highly-skilled and you’ve given her a motivation that clearly demands action.
– It’s very clear from your outline what propels her. And I really like that you are going beyond the legend of Belle with those motivations.
– With each confrontation with the renegades, you have built a great opportunity for escalating action.
– You’ve built in powerful justifications for action, not only with the neighbors but with her brother’s death — and it sets up that final confrontation.
– The action sequences give you a lot of options — you clearly have chase/pursuit, shootouts, escapes, dangerous situations, and even a rescue.
– I like that you twist expectations and have Brice’s family survive. Is Brice an entirely original character, or is he also based in the history? If he’s original, and he has surviving family members, it might end up being a good set-up for sequel (or television series).
Questions—
— Is Henry Brice your antagonist throughout? I know that the renegades are set up as the villains (and their actions are clear and motivated), but I’m curious to hear if Brice is your main villain as soon as the raids begin. If so, maybe include Brice earlier in the outline, so we can get a fuller sense of his track.
— Similarly, are we seeing a relationship between Belle and Reed before Act III? He’s going to be a powerful ally, and he’s critical to the resolution. I’m just curious if we see him earlier as one of her brother’s friends. Is his motivation to help her or does he want to avenge his friend (or both)?
Overall, this is a really interesting, action-filled concept. Shock, suspense, and danger are well-sprinkled throughout the outline already. You’ve definitely created a need for action, and you potentially are revealing hidden elements of a person who we only know as a legend.
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Thank you, Patricia, love your comments and can’t wait to finish my story. Henry Brice actually killed Belle’s brother. The overall villains are all the renegades that killed and maned the Missourians during the civil war. Henry Brice was the Icing on the cake. Pat
If you have any questions just send me an e-mail. pgalbraith@epbfi.com
Your outline is great it’s a great story. Descriptions are the best. I have included my comments with your outline. The comments are bolded.
Review of Patricia Steffy Outline
Patricia’s Action Outline 1
Title: Deadly Freeze Great Title
Logline: During a Polar Vortex, a federal prison loses electricity, leaving the prisoners in the Protective Custody Unit in a deadly freeze, prompting a survivalist with one week left on his sentence to lead a daring prison break to save the abandoned inmates’ lives.
(Logline is clear and I can imagine what scenes it might take to accomplish such a task.)
Note: This is just the major action points of the script. There are relationship and character emotion building moments, as well. Here are the character profiles to give you some backstory and fill in some blanks (you can skip it, if it isn’t useful to you). Yep, I’m over-explaining.
Lead Character: Donovan (aka The Broker)
Maybe you could offer some subtext on how he got the name “The Broker”?
Protagonist is a 40-something survivalist and loner who is jokingly referred to as The Broker. Everyone in the prison has a different story as to why, but only one of the guards knows the true story (and he taunts Donovan with it whenever possible). The taunts could possibly be where the subtext might be for what the Broker means in this world.
Donovan is a silent observer – someone who calculates the advantage of interaction and is always looking for the threats against him. He is cunning, capable, and suspicious. He has the grudging respect of some of the other inmates in the Protective Custody Unit – all for different reasons. Is he dangerous? He’s unnervingly still. When he speaks, people listen, and they don’t know why. This should be another subtext area.
He’s not an overwhelming physical presence. But his ability to calculate risk means that he is often right. He’s a little spooky and that has earned him some credibility. He doesn’t get involved without reason. Ever.
Superficially, he’s a man doing his time and counting the hours until he leaves the prison. But where is he going? Back to the woods where he spent the last decade? Home is a concept long gone for him. The physical house sold to pay restitution would only have been a reminder of the younger brother who killed himself there after getting caught in a scheme that ultimately landed Donovan in prison.
Guilt drives him. And we see this in his relationships with the young agent in the opening, the kid in SEG, and Brian.
He knows that the polar vortex is coming. But when he is offered a chance to be evacuated, he hesitates. He is the only with the survival skills to help the men who are being left behind.
Lead Character 2: Brian (Is Brian a lead character or an alley?) If he’s a lead have him save the day at least once.) To make him proud of himself.
Brian is a naïve, young guard who is frightened of the inmates and eager to please. Because he is easily physically and psychologically intimated he’s likely to pull a gun or call for a lockdown because he knows that he can’t win in a hand-to-hand fight. He has been at the prison for less than a month when the polar vortex arrives.
His father was former military, but Brian washed out of the marines. He has a sense of duty, and he wants to serve and distinguish himself. He’s desperate for approval, and he looks for it from other guards, warden and even some of the more formidable inmates.
His desire to please makes him susceptible to influence from those in authority who do not have his interests at heart. He starts off blind, and it leads him down a dangerous path. But while he comes off as a “yes man,” he has a deeply moral center. He knows what the right thing is, and eventually chooses that path, even though he may not survive it.
Antagonist:
Randall Sykes is a 50-something, by-the-book head guard who is corporate’s favorite inside man. He was set to retire early but the pension fund was decimated in a Ponzi scheme, and his days at the for-profit prison are just going to get longer. And he’s bitter.
This is not a mustache-twirling bad guy. He believes in what he does. He’s not entirely without heart, but he sees himself as the only defense an innocent public has. He also knows that unless he keeps corporate happy, his own livelihood is at risk. Why should he risk his way of life for people who didn’t play by the rules?
Sykes knows Donovan’s actual story. And he knows that Donovan’s brother killed himself because of it. But rather than spreading the story among the inmates, he holds it. He likes feeling like he has some power over someone who worked in an industry that he blames for all the shit that has gone wrong in his life. And Sykes resents that Donovan has the grudging respect of most of the inmates, when he has to kiss corporate’s ass just to get overtime covered. He’s certainly not going to take Donovan’s advice – even if he secretly worries that Donovan is right.
Action Outline: Excellent Opening scene
The crunch of now underfoot. A crack of twigs. Eyes peering out from a survivalist dugout in the woods. Agents swarming the camp after a tip-off. Agent falls into the dug-out, the man (Donovan) hiding there runs through a warren of self-dug caves, into the forest — desperate not to be captured. A young agent is on his heels. Donovan evades him, until the agent follows him to a river. Donovan gets the drop on him — they struggle. The young agent thinks he has him beat, but finds himself looking up at Donovan with a hatchet in his hand. All seems lost for the young agent, but when Donovan can kill, he stops. The fury drains out of him. He drops the hatchet, gets to his knees, and waits to be arrested. (scene in class 11 and 12)
[Time Jump] What is the time jump? 10 years?
Inciting Incident
The storm is only 12 hours away. Warden of the for-profit prison is faced with evacuating as many prisoners as possible to other, safer prisons, at a price. Rather than removing everyone, the head guard (our villain Sykes) convinces her to leave the men of the protective custody unit and SEG behind — saving the prison $3 million in fines and further punishing our hero (who only had days left on his sentence).
Panic sets into the yard, as rumors of who is being left behind swirl. A kid awaiting trial gets into a fight with one of the jittery inmates. Brian, an inexperienced guard, grabs for his gun and accidentally shoots one of the older inmates. The yard is put into lockdown. The kid is taken to SEG. The older inmate is removed from PCU and taken to the hospital. But all eyes turn to Brian, who is riddled with guilt. Only Donovan (our hero) finds a way to calm those who want to go after him. There is no mistaking the tension.
First Turning Point at end of Act 1
The warden is ordered to get all prisoners with less than a week on their sentences onto the buses for an early release by the Governor. Sykes is pissed, and he taunts Donovan. It’s the last bus out. Sykes will ride the steps. And while Donovan could be free, he chooses not to get on the bus. He warns Sykes not to take the bus out — that it is too late. But Sykes refuses to listen.
Mention something about how prisoners are let out of their cells. The good , bad and ugly
Donovan returns to PCU with Brian, who has been chosen to stay behind to guard those abandoned there. Decision made, Donovan tries to ready those who will remain for the storm. But they are woefully short on supplies and time. Is there any special clothing they can find so they can survive.
Have them break into an office where there might be some overalls, boots, gloves etc.
A lifer prisoner starts making subtext commits that he is going to be a bad guy. Scaring the other prisoners
Mid-Point
The storm arrives and the power goes out. Pipes burst, sending flooding and freezing water down the shafts and throughout the building. Windows begin blowing out. Any movement could risk electrocution, but staying risks freezing to death. Logically, they could overpower Brian, take their revenge for the shooting, and escape the prison tower. But go where? Into the storm? Is any shelter better than being outside and free?
The bad prisoner finds something he can turn into a weapon.( Splintered 2×4) hides it for later.
We cut to the last bus of prisoners feeling in the storm. Tornadic-force winds, ice, and snow descend. The engine stalls. The driver repeatedly tries to get the engine started again and panic takes hold. Sykes braves the storm to fix the engine battery cable despite the For a second, a moment of victory. Hope that they can keep moving.
But a spark sets off an explosion in the engine, and flames burst into the bus. Sykes is blown out the doors. the inmates are chained to the seats. The men in the front are incinerated, but the men in back work together to try to free themselves as the windows burst around them and the fire drills toward them (scene is in class 15)
Sykes regains consciousness. He makes a move to try to open the emergency door of the bus to save the chained men who might still be alive. But the door won’t open. Metal shards and glass from the bus are flying. It’s too late. A scorched Sykes is left in agony. Just as he is about to succumb, grim determination sets in. He turns back to the prison and Donovan.
Second Turning Point at end of Act 2
Decision made to leave the unit and move to another floor, but the building is crumbling and water/ice shards cascade down an already faulty elevator shaft. At the ledge, they hear screams (and maybe and echo) from below — SEG is being flooded, and a young inmate, who our hero tried to take under his wing earlier, is in SEG. A mission is hatched for our hero and another inmate (bad prisoner)to go try to save the kid.
When they try to save the kid, the bad prisoner swings the 2×4 at Donovan. Donovan moves and the bad prisoner falls into the Icy water.
Crisis
The building continues to take the brunt of the storm. It shudders and quakes. Crashing sounds and bending steel foreshadow the destruction of a staircase, just as the hero and his cohorts make it to SEG. But it’s too late. Everyone in SEG, including the kid are dead — either from drowning or hypothermia, as the water turned to ice. I see a scene where they are floating in the icy water.
Defeated, Donovan tries to lead the men back upstairs to rejoin the group. But the stairs we saw earlier have pancaked. Their only choice is to climb the elevator shaft. But the ladder rungs are made of steel — which have become brittle as the deadly freeze moved in. They struggle to climb the ladder — losing skin on their hands to frostbite in the process. Donovan clears the way. He’s ready to help Rodriguez up. A cascade of ice plunges toward him. His left hand shatters. His feet slip as the metal rung below him cracks. He spins and smashes into the metal rail. Donovan reaches down to grab him, but Rodriguez grabs the ladder. They breathe a sigh of relief that he’s safe. CRASH! A massive ice sheet violently plunges past the open shaft, slicing into Rodriguez, sweeping his already lifeless body down the elevator shaft and onto the stalled car below. ( Is this over a garage, where did the car come from?)
Regrouping
The men regroup. They know they can’t go down again, and the building continues to shift ominously. They make a plan to go one level up to the guard/bridge level. Near the elevator where we can see the clock.
Crisis
Donovan leads the men to the next level’s security door. Hero uses his unique skills to get the manual lock to trigger and open, but the system is fried and sparking. Someone will have to hold the door open, in order for people to get out and then try to escape before it closes. Jackson volunteers, knowing that Donovan is their only hope for escape, and that many of the other men have a chance at a new life on the outside. He’s a lifer — this is his shot at redemption. The men get past the door, but Jackson is electrocuted as the generator rebounds.
The remaining men, including our hero, make it to the guard level, only to find a hellscape. Electrical has sparked a fire, and the windows had already blown out in the storm. Fire and ice combine. There is no relief here. There is only one choice — Donovan tells them that they’ll have to climb out the window in a raging storm as the building continues to fall — using what they can find in the lockers to control their descent. But first, they have to get across the fire into the frozen control room. Not great odds, but the only shot they have to live.
Climax
The inmates go out what is left of the window to scale down the building in the height of the storm. But Sykes made it across the bridge and onto the guard level. There’s a standoff between Donovan and Sykes. Donovan is stalling in hopes that the men get to safety. Villain shoots at Donovan, but the young guard pushes him out of the way and takes the bullet. Donovan tries to talk Sykes out of doing anymore damage. Tells him that he can help him. That they can all walk away from this. But Sykes is beyond listening and raises the gun again. Not knowing that the bullet that hit the young guard, also splintered one of the last standing supports for the ceiling. As Sykes fires, the ceiling comes down on him and kills him.
Resolution
Donovan takes Brian down the building — when it looks like there is no way that they’ll get to shelter fast enough to survive, they are met by the surviving men who have managed to start one of the prison vehicles. They escape together into the prison garage, which is miraculously still standing.
Maybe use the resolution start in an earlier scene with them going from one car to the other to try to start a car.
Have you considered using a time clock to make it feel urgent. (Passing of time)
Have a clock on every floor above the elevators.
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Thank you so much for your feedback! It’s very helpful, and I’m particularly interested in pursuing more about the lifer and how he might be seen more as bad guy until he has his moment of redemption. Also, totally agree about the subtext suggestions.
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Pat Galbraith’s Outline Version 2
Title: Belle Star
Logline: 1863, When renegades from Northern troops invade Missouri, burning homes and killing civilians, Myrabelle Shirley (Belle Star) joins forces with outlaws to run the Civil War Renegades off.
Action Outline:
Act I
Opening
1848, Belle Starr was born as Myrabelle Shirley in the back woods of Missouri.
A colonial home sits under big oak trees where Myra Shirley lives with her family. Myra is one of six children. The children are all expected to do assigned tasks on the farm.
Myra loves her horse, Venus, and talks to him frequently.
Jesse James and the younger brothers often sit at the Judge Shirley’s dinner table. They
make jokes and tease Myra. Also, this year they discuss the civil war. They’ve heard of renegade soldiers attacking families just north of their home.
Bud teaches Myra how to ride and shoot. And how to hit a target with a knife.
At 16 Myra steals medication from a doctor’s office for her dying little brother, Because the doctor won’t come to the house in her area.
She is forced to leave home by her Father, so authorities want take her to jail.
She rides well. She can hit a target with her knife throwing skills.
2.Inciting Incident
Renegade northern troops invade the states of Missouri and Oklahoma, burning homes,
viciously killing civilians.
3. First Turning Point of Act 1
Myra makes her camp for the night in the wilderness, she hears a commotion coming from down the hill. She climbs up a ridge to get a better look.
She’s found ,the Northern camp. Behind her she hears someone walking upon her.
She draws her gun. It’s Reed, she doesn’t know him, He convinces her he’s not a threat. He’s from further north and his family has been wiped out by the renegades.
Henry Brice, in the northern camp, looks through his binoculars and spots the two of them. Myra and Reed jump on their horses and ride toward Myra’s home.
Myra learns of neighbor’s babies being killed, fathers hung, and mothers raped by the malicious evil soldiers.
After seeing families burned out and slaughtered, Myra joins a neighborhood outlaw gang with her brother Bud Shirley.
ACT II
Things change she begins to ride with the outlaw gang to stop the renegades.
They search the area for where the Renegades have moved their camping.
Raids continue as more warmongers come to Missouri.
4. Mid-Point
When the younger farm, is targeted. She joins with Bud, her brother to help them kill them off when they arrive to burn and kill the youngers’ out.
From a hill Myra and Bud’s gang come in behind the younger’s cabin and pick off soldier’s raiding the younger farm. Myra’s outlaw gang is successful and run the Renegade soldiers off the Younger’s farm.
5. Second Turning Point at end of Act 2
The Shirley Home is targeted by the raiders leaving their home a heap of ashes
Myra’s gang learns where the renegades are camping on a hill outside town.
Brice’s Brother hangs out in the saloon where he can hear what’s going on with Myra. Someone gets word to the Renegade troops of the impending attack.
ACT III
6.Crisis
Her gang is met by a small northern scouting troop. Myra’s group chase them back to their campsite with plans to kill them all.
They are outnumbered. It’s a dark day.
In a nearby town where Bud is visiting friends, He is killed by Henry Brice, Captain of a
northern troop. He ambushes Bud and kills him in the street.
She vows to marry the man who will kill the man who killed her brother.
She begins to dress in black and sometimes shows off her shooting skills in town.
Reed a follower of Bud and Belle’s gang, Reed, promises her he will kill Brice for her.
8. Climax
A few days later they decide to attack the troops after dark.
They ride to the camp. Get control of the men and kill them one by one. But Henry Brice,
the man who killed her brother escapes
She and her gang ride to kill the man who killed her brother. He’s not home when they arrive.
They hold his family hostage and plan to kill them too. When he returns to the house, she
gets him inside at gunpoint.
He jumps her, and they wrestle taking the gun from her. Reed enters and throws a knife.
Stabs Brice in the heart. Brice falls to the floor.
Resolution:
She lets Henry Brice’s wife and family go.
She marries Reed the man who killed Brice.
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Any one ready for version two swap?pgalbraith@epbfi.com
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