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Lesson 15
Reply and post your assignment.
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5 Replies
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[the date/time stamp is actually Feb 15, 7pm PT]
Evelyn’s Fast formatting! What I learned doing this assignment is an excellent way to craft an action scene, by just following the steps and not overthinking it. This scene sequence takes place early in act one and is the first threat to my hero, Mikki. This sequence will include a dinner scene in the restaurant but I didn’t include it here so I could get to the fight without any more buildup to it. Since this is our last assignment before feedback, I had fun including two cameo appearances of special friends who are not part of the ongoing story.
EXT. LAS VEGAS – FREMONT STREET – NIGHT
Peg and Flint make their way through the crowd, dark hoodies hiding their features.
A few children run past, one of them bumping into Peg accidentally.
PEG: (snarling) Watch it!
EXT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Having finished dinner, Mikki and Reinaldo come out with their friends Hal and Cheryl.
Mikki and Cheryl are in short dresses and high heels.
Mikki wears a lavalier necklace, its long chain holding an interesting stone pendant.
REINALDO: It was so great seeing you two.
MIKKI: You’re not driving back to L.A. tonight, are you?
CHERYL: In the morning.
HAL: Can we interest you in going to the Fremont Experience this time around?
MIKKI: Wish we could. Shayla’s babysitting and I don’t want to take advantage by staying out later than planned.
REINALDO: Listen, guys, don’t make it so long next time.
HAL: The I-15 goes both ways. The girls would love to see how big Ava is getting.
The friends hug goodbye and then Hal and Cheryl walk off.
Reinaldo indicates the parking garage sign in the distance.
MIKKI: Seriously? In these heels? Don’t you offer valet service?
REINALDO: You’ll owe me a big tip.
MIKKI: I think that can be arranged.
While Reinaldo jogs off to get their car, Mikki leans against the corner of the building, easing her feet out of her high heels and wriggling her toes.
A man’s hand whizzes out suddenly from behind Mikki and yanks her into the:
EXT. ALLEY – CONTINUOUS
It’s Flint. He slaps his other hand over Mikki’s mouth so she can’t scream.
Peg smiles.
PEG: Put her in the car.
They are alone in the alley, next to crates of trash.
PEG: (to Mikki) We’re gonna take a little drive.
OOF!
Peg punches Mikki in the stomach.
Mikki sags, feigning injury…
… watching them from slitted eyes.
Flint reaches in a pocket for his car keys.
Mikki swivels on her bare feet…
POW! POW! POW!
… and slams her fists into Peg’s nose — jaw — soft shoulder joint.
Peg recoils, blood pouring from her smashed nose.
Flint shoves Mikki toward a Firebird parked next to a dumpster.
WHOOP!
Mikki knees him between the legs.
He doubles over, groaning.
She snatches his car keys…
… sprints to the other end of the alley.
Peg chases her.
EXT. SIDE STREET – CONTINUOUS
Mikki races past cars slowing for a signal ahead, then turns right.
Peg lags behind.
EXT. T-ALLEY – CONTINUOUS
The renovated alley features bistro tables filled with boisterous tourists and locals, and outdoor art galleries.
Mikki runs in from the side street.
Stops, looks around.
Glancing over her shoulder, sees Peg arrive.
Peg barrels up to Mikki, her fists ready for action.
From a table where a couple is dining, Mikki grabs a Chianti bottle with a lit candle stuck in its neck.
The couple look up, startled.
Peg leaps onto Mikki’s back.
Mikki tosses Peg off, swivels and slams her with the wine bottle.
Flint joins them, winks at Peg.
FLINT: I got this.
Mikki grabs two oversized margarita glasses from a table.
SPLURT! SPLASH!
She throws the liquid in Flint’s eyes, blinding him.
CRICK! SMASH! CRACK!
She slams the glasses against his cheeks, breaking bones.
TOURIST #1: Is this for real? I mean, like should we call 9-1-1 or–?
Peg rushes in, ramming her head into Mikki’s chest, pushing her against a brick wall.
WHOOSH! WHOOSH!
Mikki boxes Peg’s ears.
Howling in pain, Peg staggers.
Flint stumbles up to Mikki, his eyes still burning.
POW! WHAM! POW!
He pummels Mikki relentlessly.
She knees him in the groin — harder than before.
He staggers.
TOURIST #2 (calling out): I know them! They’re MMA fighters!
TOURIST #3: Must be a free show.
TOURIST #1 (to Mikki): You okay?
MIKKI: Never better.
Mikki whips her lavalier chain necklace off…
… twirls it in the air…
… gaining momentum for its stone pendant…
TOURIST #3: Whoa. Totally cool.
WHAP!
… and flings the chain around Flint’s neck, grabbing the other end.
He wheezes, pulling at the chain.
Mikki tugs the necklace tighter.
Peg glances up from nursing her own injuries.
PEG: You’re choking him!
Mikki pulls the chain tighter…
The more Flint struggles, the tighter it gets.
He collapses.
Peg rushes to help Flint.
Mikki releases the chain, glances around at the gaping tourists who are all filming this on their phones.
She takes a mock bow to applause and then speeds away, smoothing her hair and putting on her necklace as she runs.
Behind Mikki, Flint and Peg stagger off, propping each other.
PEG: You got spare keys?
Flint shakes his head.
EXT. RESTAURANT – MOMENTS LATER
Reinaldo’s Corvette is at the curb.
He leans against it, holding Mikki’s stiletto shoes.
Mikki approaches from the alley, grinning.
REINALDO: Hey, babe. I was about to send out a posse. Where’ve you been?
MIKKI: Oh, a couple of fans wanted to get selfies.
REINALDO: Why do I have the feeling that’s not the whole story?
She laughs.
They get in the car and drive off.
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ASSIGNMENT: 15
Subject line: Pat Galbraith’s Fast formatting!
What I learned in this assignment is best to go by the plan to make sure you get them all in.
1. Write an Action scene for your project that includes each of these formatting techniques.
A.
Basic Formatting
B.
Dash or Ellipsis?
C.
Sound, then Explanation
D.
Mixing Sluglines into Action
E.
Stacking Action
F.
Stacking DialogueKITCHEN TABLE
Family takes seats at table. Eating a hardy meal.
Discussing what they should do to help Eddie.
John Shirley picks up a bowl of potatoes —
JOHN SHIRLEY
Eddie’s fading fast. I’ll load him in the wagon… take him into town.
John passes the potatoes.
ELIZA SHIRLEY
Eddie can’t make the trip… Somebody’s got to go get the Doc!
BUD
Myra why don’t you go? Those Yankee’s might show up here!
MYRA
Sure! If the doctor won’t come, I’ll go to him!
Bang, Bang!
The door slams as she heads out the door — Town bound.
EXT. PRAIRIE FIELD – DAY
Myra gallops on Venus through the brush. The sun beats down.
EXT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE IN CARTHAGE, MO. – DAY
Myra enters abruptly.
DR.’S ASSISTANT
Gasp! Assistant taken by surprise.
Ma’am? Can I help you.
MYRA
I need some of that Quinine everybody talking about. My brother’s dying.
DR.’S ASSISTANT
(Snarky )
Dr.’s not in.
MYRA
Show me where he keeps it!
The doctor enters.
DOCTOR
What’s all the commotion out here.
Myra draws her gun.
MYRA
My brother’s dying. Mom says you won’t come out to farm.
DOCTOR
That’s right.
MYRA
Show me where you keep it. I’ll be taking the medicine with me.
Doctor nods, turns to get the medicine.
DOCTOR
You don’t have to use a gun, Myra.
Doctor gives her a bottle of medicine.
DOCTOR
Start with two spoons. It’s enough to last a week. If he’s not better. There nothing we can do.
Myra scrambles out the door.
DOCTOR
Alice, go get the sheriff. Tell him we got a little trouble over here.
Alice nods and runs for the door.
EXT. PRAIRIE – DAY
Myra gallops toward home.
EXT. CABIN – DAY
Myra rides in and jumps from her horse, rushes inside.
INT. SHERIFF OFFICE – DAY
Alice bursts through the door.
SHERIFF
Slow down, girl. What’s wrong?
ALICE
Myra Shirley just robbed Doc’s office at gun point!
SHERIFF
What the tarnation was she thinking… we’ll ride out to the Shirley farm see what’s going on.
INT. CABIN – DAY
Myra gallops up to the cabin –jumps from her horse.
MYRA
I’ve got it Mom!
They rush to the bedroom and Myra spoons the medicine to Eddie.
Father enters.
JOHN SHIRLEY
You got it… Cause any trouble?
MYRA
Had to use my gun Pops. They weren’t exactly forthcoming.
JOHN SHIRLEY
Myra, the sheriff will be here any minute, go! Get out!
Eliza looks at Myra and nods. Myra rushes out grabs a few clothes from her bedroom and heads for the door. Eliza comes from the kitchen with a nap snack to take with her.
Myra rides away with hair blowing in the wind.
Meaning: Myra takes things into her own hands when something is needed for her family.
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Patricia’s Fast formatting!
What I learned doing this assignment is that formatting plans a critical role in getting the energy of an action scene across to an audience. I can feel something when I’m writing it, but I haven’t had the tools to move my vision onto the page. I can already tell that I’m going to come back to these techniques and suggested sounds and images again and again.
INT. PRISON BUS – OFF-COURSE IN A BARREN FIELD – DARKENING TWILIGHT – CONTINUOUS
Sykes still fuming after his encounter with Donovan, looks back at the nearly full bus of inmates with barely contained contempt — breathing ragged, but slowing.
The inmates are silent …
…the storm is not.
EXT. BARREN FIELD – CONTINUOUS
Tornadic-force winds race over the open field sending ice into the windshield. Blackened clouds sap what little light was left from the day. Only the tiny beams of weak light from the bus headlights pierce the darkness…
… snow pummels the exterior
… tires slip and squeal
… the beast of a bus slips and turns
Donovan was right — it was too late.
The polar vortex has arrived!
INT. PRISON BUS – CONTINUOUS
DRIVER
Damn it!
SYKES
Can’t you keep this fucking thing straight?
DRIVER
You wanna try?
Driver frantically wipes at the windshield… desperate to see as the wipers struggle.
CRASH!
Thunder descends. A bolt of lightning slices through the sky — so close the bus sizzles for a split second.
Inmate #1
Was that fucking lightning?
Inmate #2
This is bullshit, man. What kind of —
SYKES
[snarls)
Want to go back?
(off their silence)
Then shut the fuck up.
Nobody is fooled. Sykes is panicked.
The driver drops the bus into second gear — desperate to get traction.
… useless
… the frame shakes
DRIVER
Come on!
… a sickening sputtering from the engine
… the groaning intensifies — the engine dies
They lose everything — No movement. No light. No heat.
Slamming the door with his fists —
SYKES
Fuck!
Ice spreads like a virus across the windows. They have minutes at most before the deadly freeze takes them.
The driver pumps to restart the vehicle…
…the engine rattles — barely heard above the roar of the wind
Sykes grabs the door lever and dives into the snow.
EXT. BUS – BARREN FIELD – CONTINUOUS
Sykes bangs on the hood — frantically pries it open. Seconds count.
He spies the problem — loosened battery cable. Attaches the cable. Slams the hood — Raising his fluid soaked hand to the driver.
Sykes slogs through mid-thigh snow back to the door…
… the driver hits the starter
INT. PRISON BUS – CONTINUOUS
Sykes pulls himself onto the stairs — grabbing the doors.
The engine catches.
Cheers erupt.
Sykes allows himself to send a small grin to the driver.
BOOM!! WHOOSH!
A fireball blasts through the cabin instantly engulfing the driver and blowing Sykes out the doors.
SCREAMS!
… cries of agony rise above the storm — The inmates are chained to the seats!
… the men in front are lost — burning
… windows cracking
… fire drills down the aisle
… scorching limbs
… skin peeling
Men in the back work together in desperation to break the chains — as the flames lick inches away.
EXT. BUS – CONTINUOUS
Sykes, face blackened by the explosion, regains consciousness to a gruesome symphony of screams, metal groans, and the shriek of the derecho.
He staggers to the emergency door — it doesn’t budge.
Men are howling out the shattered windows — begging for help.
Sykes pounds on the metal.
The door is welded shut.
… pounding, pounding, pounding
The screams have stopped.
Sykes looks to the blasted windows — faces twisted in final agony look back.
All that remains is the wind and the snapping of metal.
Sykes falls to his knees. This is how it ends for him.
… his body starts to succumb to frostbite
… he sees his breath above him
He turns his head to the prison in the distance.
SYKES
(pushing back the brain fog)
No.
Impossibly, he rises…
… pulling his clothing to protect his bleeding, exposed skin
… setting his determined glare on the prison. Donovan.
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Bent’s fast formatting !!!! —– UNDER CONSTRUCTION. NOT DONE YET.
what I learned doing this assignment is this ………………….. I am applying all that I have learned to this presentation here. Instead of stream of consciousness I am focused on certain emotions and character feelings. I’m feeling confident and I had a couple breakthroughs too.
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
Indigo has a death grip on the sleigh he is in. He sees the sleighs are landing including his own. But what really has his attention are these houses with lights and streets that are similar to his own at the North Pole. He sees similarities and they are amazing.
His sleigh lands and bumps him into the air.
ELF PILOT- Hold on! We are coming in!
Indigo holds on for dear life. He’s so afraid. He’s whining and trying to not reveal his fear. As the sleigh descends he thinks they are going to crash! But the sleigh lands gently with hardly any bumps. The two elf pilots look back then at each other with a smirk each.
ELF PILOT – (laughs) You assume too much, straggler
Indigo leans over the side and vomits.
ELF PILOT 2 – When you are done emptying your stomach, you’ll find cookies and milk and whatever else left behind for us inside the homes. Refill your stomach. And bring me back some cookies. Wash your hands first.
INDIGO – What? I’m not going in those houses.
ELF PILOT – Yes you are. Deliver presents, straggler. It is your duty. No free rides! Now get!
They point him out of the sleigh. Around them are other sleighs not far away and they have almost completed their deliveries.
An elf unloads a bag of presents next to Indigo.
ELF – Has anyone trained you?
Indigo doesn’t respond.
ELF – Hey straggler!
Indigo is in shock as he touches the ground. This is all unfamiliar to him and he’s slowly processing it.
ELF – Straggler! Take this bag. Over the shoulder! Let’s go! We are on a schedule!
Indigo grabs a sack.
Indigo – I can’t do this. I’m afraid!
ELF PILOT- Look for the chocolate chip ones! And the peanut butter! We like those most of all!
Indigo follows the elf who is delivering. They enter a house as the door automatically opens.
ELF – You have never delivered before?
INDIGO – Never. I don’t want to. I want to get back to the North Pole.
ELF – Pay attention. This device opens doors then secures them again. All high tech.
INDIGO- I can’t go in.
Elf takes one hand and pulls in Indigo.
ELF – You heard the pilots. Look for the cookies. They usually are on a plate next to the tree.
INDIGO – I shouldn’t be inside someone else’s home.
ELF – Watch.
The elf empties out a few presents under the tree next to other presents.
ELF- Let’s go.
On a plate there are three cookies. Indigo grabs them.
The elf walks over and takes the glass of milk then chugs it.
ELF – That hit the spot.
Indigo sees all these family photos on the wall. A beautiful family.
The elf grabs him and they walk out the door.
ELF – On to the next house. Your turn since you have the bag.
They enter the next house. A few houses down, there are other elves delivering presents too. It is a well thought out system in action.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by Bent Hanlen.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by
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Andre’s Fast Formatting!
The Basics
Description- Word choices and image choices that give meaning. I want to emphasize the Action and the meaning of the Action.
Formatting- Make the script a fast and easy read. During action, the formatting can give the experience of the action and the pacing.Writing Description for Action
There are four areas that action can be improved in my description…
1. Choose scene Arc and Meaning.
2. Pick a location that delivers both Action and Meaning.
3. Write to make it visceral.
4. Use formatting to enhance it.
With each scene, I can choose the images, meaning, action, and sounds to deliver something truly unique and engaging.Fade in:
EXT. KENNEDY SPACE CENTER- 21:03:02 UTC
January 31, 1971. Launch Complex-Pad 39A.
A SUPER-HEAVY-LIFT LAUNCH-THREE-STAGE-SATURN 5-ROCKET! Loaded with 105,000+pounds of EXPLODABLE LIQUID-FUEL, essentially, a Bomb! prepare for launch.
Onboard, equipped with tons of experiments is a THREE-MANNED CREW: EDGAR D. MITCHELL, STU ROOSA and ALAN B. SHEPARD.
Our COUNTDOWN LEADER to LAUNCH of ANTARES ticks down to… LAUNCH! WE ascend into DARKNESS,BLACKNESS. Into, that wild blue-yonder known as SPACE.
VOICE:
Guidance System now going internal…
Launch Director:
15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6…
…Ignition-
-4, 3, 2, 1, 0…
A SCREAM bellows as the machine comes alive!
LAUNCH DIRECTOR
Release-
SKIDDING SOUND as the machine escapes earths gravity pull.
LAUNCH DIRECTOR
-LIFTOFF!
The machine and its crew RATTLE with vibration, as the Rockets POP and RATTLE into and through the atmosphere.
LAUNCH DIRECTOR
Clear the tower…
…All clear-
Roll the pitch start…
-pitch and roll-
Go baby go…
She’s going, she’s going…
Everything’s good..
Okay Houston … Roll complete.
HOUSTON:
Roll complete.
SILENCE!
Space!
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