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Lesson 10
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4 Replies
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Madeleine Vessel’s Dialogue 7 – 8
What I learned doing this assignment is how easy it is to add dialogue as action and dialogue as subtext. I’m loving this.
ADDED DIALOGUE AS ACTION:
No. 1
They pack the paintings into two portfolios.
ALEKSEI
There should be four.
KAZIMIR
I checked… Double checked.
ALEKSEI
Okay. Let’s go.
The last line of Aleksei’s dialogue is a direct order and, therefore, dialogue as action.
No. 2
A jittery Kazimir appears at Sophie’s open bedroom door.
KAZIMIR
Someone’s coming. A woman.
Aleksei gestures for Kazimir to be silent.
They hear the FRONT DOOR OPEN.
Kazimir goes for the 10mm under his jacket.
As he brings up the gun, the barrel end of Aleksei’s .357 Smith & Wesson presses into his temple.
ALEKSEI
Give it to me.
Slowly, Kazimir releases his finger from the trigger.
Alexei takes the gun.
In the passage above, Aleksei’s dialogue is a direct order, and, therefore, dialogue in action.
No. 3
Bill holds up a set of keys.
BILL
I need to check out Falisa’s storage unit. I want you with me.
SOPHIE
Me? Why?
BILL
(impatient)
Because it’s my job to keep an eye on you…
(kind)
…because two pair of eyes are better than one.
In this passage, Bill orders Sophie to accompany him to Falisa’s storage locker.
ADDED DIALOGUE AS SUBTEXT:
No. 1
SOPHIE
So this is Vitaly Burundukov… Why is he down as a donor?
OLIVIA
He gave $50,000 to the museum and facilitated the loan agreement with the Tretyakov Gallery. The exhibition wouldn’t have happened without him.
Both study Burundukov’s photograph.
OLIVIA
(sighing)
Handsome, charming, and generous.
SOPHIE
Almost too good to be true.
Sophie’s as line of dialogue, ”Almost too good to be true.”, reveals below the surface that Sophie is not a trusting person.
No. 2
AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS —
Koshechka MEOWS and rubs against the railing.
KAZIMIR
A fucking cat.
Aleksei motions for Kazimir to be silent and stay put.
KAZIMIR
Yeah, yeah.
Aleksei turns away.
Kazimir kicks the MEOWING cat.
The cat’s SCREAM reverberates around the dark house.
Aleksei whirls, confronts Kazimir.
KAZIMIR
Okay, okay.
In this passage, Kazimir’s dialogue reveals what he is below the surface, a psychopath.
No. 3
Hannah sets the pie-a-la-mode in front of Bill and takes the chair across from him.
BILL
Thanks Mom. For coming on such short notice, for making pie, for everything.
HANNAH
It’s what I do.
(beat)
Tell me the plan.
BILL
(between bites)
I’ll be lecturing on organized crime. One week in London. Three weeks in Moscow. Then home.
HANNAH
At least this time, you’re not going into a war zone.
BILL
You worry too much.
HANNAH
I’m your mother.
(beat)
It’s two years since Alice died.
BILL
I know.
HANNAH
Lucy still misses her mother.
BILL
I’m doing my best.
HANNAH
I just want to see you two happy.
Bill takes the last bite of his pie.
BILL
We’re getting there.
Hannah takes his plate and fork to the sink.
HANNAH
(with her back to him)
Any interesting women in your life?
BILL
Mom, we’re good the way we are.
This added exchange is loaded with subtext. Hannah is worried about Lucy and Bill. She wants them to move on from Alice’s death. Alice was Bill’s wife and Lucy’s mother. Hannah is being interfering, but Bill resists with “Mom, we’re good the way we are.”
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Jack Young’s Dialogue 7 – 8 for “STREAM”
What I learned doing this assignment is that the more we can make our dialogue intertwined with our story, the more intrigue we can create.
Dialogue Skill 7. Dialogue As Action
1 – When Mrs. Wakowski shoots herself in front of Michael, Michael makes the mistake of picking up the bloody pistol. He’s seen by one of the policemen with it, resulting in the officer announcing to everyone…
OFFICER
THERE HE IS! HE’S GOT A GUN!
The officer’s words are going to incite some serious action against Michael. Previously when I started writing the scene with Michael at work, it was a very flat scene. However, by adding the suicide and Michael holding the weapon, it changed the dynamics of the scene for the better.
2 – When Michael is getting ready for work, his wife confronts him about his lies. Then when his 5-year old son hears it and asks about it, she tells her son to ask his dad what he’s been lying about. This puts Michael in an awkward situation he has no way out of. See below:
Michael stops. That hit home. Nick heard it too.
NICK
Mommy, what did daddy lie about?
Diane ignores Nick’s question and just stares at Michael. Michael doesn’t move, just returns her stare. After a moment…
DIANE
Ask your daddy.
NICK
Daddy, what did you lie about?
Michael closes his eyes and shakes his head.
MICHAEL
Let’s don’t do this now.
(Beat)
I’m late for work.
Dialogue Skill 8. Subtext
1 – At home, Michael’s wife hints that Michael has been lying to her. What has he been lying about and why is she giving him the cold shoulder? Later we discover that Michael is having an affair and secretly working an illegal stock deal.
2 – At the office, there’s subtext given by Kristy, his secretary, that she’s upset with Michael about something. Later, we’ll discover that Michael had an affair with her and is now trying to get distance with her.
3 – Michael has a dream where he remembers how he gave money to his addict brother to buy drugs. He then recalls his brother’s funeral where his father blamed him for his brothers death. The scene of the funeral becomes very dramatic and heartbreaking knowing the subtext that Michael feels responsible.
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George Petersen – DIALOGUE 7 – 8
What I learned doing this assignment is how one scene can employ multiple dialogue skills and it seems that the more employed, the better.
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DIALOGUE AS ACTION:
Pinkerton turns to face her.
PINKERTON
Miss Kate. Can you find the money?
KATE
I can find it, Mr. Pinkerton. And I will find it.
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A misty rain takes over, but bare heads remain. A few umbrellas pop open and mothers pull their children close.
LINCOLN
I now leave… not knowing when… or whether ever.. I may return… with a task before me greater than that which rested upon Washington. Without the assistance of that Divine Being… who ever attended him… I cannot succeed. With that assistance I cannot fail.
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INT. THE EMPIRE BUILDING OF BALTIMORE – UPPER FLOOR – NIGHT
The Chief sits with his head lowered, pondering something or other, while the candelabras on each side of him flicker quietly. Then he slowly lifts his head, speaks slowly and solemnly.
CHIEF
Do you believe the white man to be superior to the Negro?
INITIATES
We do.
CHIEF
Do you believe the United States Constitution recognizes slave property?
INITIATES
We do.
CHIEF
Do you believe the South has a right to demand protection for slave property, as well as other property?
INITIATES
We do.
CHIEF
Do you believe it right for the people of one section to make war on the institutions of another section?
INITIATES
We do not.
CHIEF
Will you join the Knights of the Golden Circle in its struggle to spread Americanism through Mexico, Nicaragua, Venezuela and Cuba, thus creating a shimmering golden circle of lawful slave trading prosperity?
INITIATES
We will.
*
SUBTEXT:
PINKERTON
Spies?
FERRANTINO
Yes, spies. Why, I’ve even heard a rumor that Alan Pinkerton is in town.
PINKERTON
Pinkerton?
FERRANTINO
You know, the Abolitionist. The nigger thief.
PINKERTON
(pause)
I didn’t know he was a nigger thief.
FERRANTINO
He’s a station master out of Chicago. Teaches the darkies how to cooper, then ships them over the border to Canada.
PINKERTON
Station Masters… conductors… I’ve never understood how the Underground Railroad works. But this man, Pinkerton, sounds like he’s courting his own death.
FERRANTINO
Death? Oh, no. If we were to find him, something far more special than death awaits him.
Pinkerton stares out the window at the passing traffic.
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LINCOLN
Gentlemen. America will not be destroyed from the outside.
Lincoln spreads out his large hands in a gesture pleading for understanding.
LINCOLN
If we falter and lose our freedom, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.
Rhett grabs Lincoln’s ankle and pulls him down. Within seconds, Lincoln is swept away. The Crowd swiftly transforms into a roaring MOB.
*
GARRINGER
We have a sign of recognition…
Garringer demonstrates by placing his right forefinger over his upper lip and rubs back and forth ever so slightly.
GARRINGER
A sign of caution in conversation and action…
He takes the forefinger and thumb of his left hand and gently tugs his left earlobe.
GARRINGER
And a sign and hail of distress…
He joins the forefinger and thumb of his right hand, then, touches the other fingers to the edge of his right eye.
GARRINGER
Brothers, be careful that you do not use these signs improperly: guard them sacredly for the honor and success of the organization to which you belong. You must never use them idly, never through curiosity or amusement.
Garringer walks past the Initiates, stops at Weinstock, inspects him like a drill sergeant.
GARRINGER
Be careful not to reveal anything that you hear or see in this Club to any one not a member. Be cautious in conversation with brother members, that you are not overheard. Study secrecy, caution, watchfulness.
Garringer walks back to his position next to the Chief.
GARRINGER
Be content to work quietly, noiselessly, yet effectively, for you are united with many others in a just and sacred cause. It is your cause and that of your children — be worthy of it.
The train bell CLANGS impatiently.
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Eric Humble’s Dialogue 7-8
What I learned doing this assignment is: that these techniques really enhance the dialogue of my scenes and take them to a new level. The Dialogue as Action techniques really energized my scenes and either changed or emphasized the shifts in behavior of the characters in response to the new lines. The dialogue subtext added layers to scenes that were otherwise written on the surface and gave great depth that elevated the quality by a wide margin.
DIALOGUE AS ACTION:
ORIGINAL VERSION:
Jude reaches the last step. Dres steps aside, revealing the body of the man Steinmetz shot.
Steinmetz is seated against a post farther back. He’s pale and his hands quake. He gives a wan smile.
DRES
Your buddy’s a good shot.
JUDE
Deserves a Medal of Honor.
STEINMETZ
Medal of Honor winners don’t usually throw up three times afterward.
NEW VERSION: CONSOLING
Jude reaches the last step. Dres steps aside, revealing the body of the man Steinmetz shot.
Steinmetz is seated against a post farther back. He’s pale and his hands quake. He gives a wan smile.
DRES
Your buddy’s a good shot.
Jude rushes to Steinmetz, crouches level with him.
JUDE
Are you alright?
STEINMETZ
You ever been proud and sickened at the same time?
JUDE
No. But I’ll bet your father knew exactly how this feels.
STEINMETZ
You really think so?
ORIGINAL VERSION:
JUDE
You killed those people. How many of the Conclave have you killed?
NEW VERSION: INVALIDATION
JUDE
You killed those people.
DRES
No. We killed these people.
JUDE
Before we go any further, I need to know how many you’ve killed.
DRES
Why?
JUDE
Because I’m not hitching my wagon to some psycho mass murderer.
DRES
More than you, ace. But you’ll catch up. You’re already at two.
JUDE
I got into this business to save lives, not take them.
DRES
You got into the Pharma business to make money. Saving lives was just a story to make taking the money feel okay.
Dres kicks the body into the hole. It tumbles onto the bones. She dumps dirt back into the hole.
JUDE
You don’t know me. Some day, I’m going to save millions…
DRES
Well, you let me know when someday rolls around. I know you. I’ve known hundreds of you. A couple of them are buried right here.
OLD VERSION:
DENNIS
Dr. Steinmetz. Good. We can begin.
STEINMETZ
What the hell is this?
DENNIS
When I say “we can begin,” I really mean I will be the one asking the questions. But please, sit. I brought coffee.
He gestures to a carrier tray — where one coffee remains untaken. Everyone else is already sipping theirs. Steinmetz holds up the cup he’s already drinking from.
STEINMETZ
Wish I had known. You could have saved me three-fifty.
DENNIS
Still, I’d hate it to go to waste. Maybe for later…?
NEW VERSION: Direct Order to Take Action
DENNIS
Dr. Steinmetz. Good. Grab a cup of coffee and have a seat.
He gestures to a carrier tray — where one coffee remains untaken. Everyone else is already sipping theirs.
STEINMETZ
What the hell is this?
DENNIS
It’s from my favorite coffee shop, just down the street.
Steinmetz holds up the cup he’s already drinking from.
DENNIS
I’m trying to be cordial here. Now, I’d appreciate it if you accepted my hospitality, Doctor. It’ll go a long way toward setting the tone for this meeting. I’d hate for things to go the other way.
Steinmetz smirks, picks up the carrier tray, sets it on his desk. But continues drinking from his original cup.
DENNIS
Now take a seat.
He stares down Steinmetz – it’s not a request. Steinmetz finally sits.
DENNIS
Okay. Let’s begin.
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DIALOGUE SUBTEXT:
OLD VERSION:
INT. GUTTED OLD MILL – DAY
Jude enters cautiously down some rickety stairs from the street. Dres steps out into the open below.
DRES
Used to be a textile factory in the nineteen-twenties. This whole floor was crowded with racks of silks, mohair, cashmere — all of it coming off the dockyard from ships returning home. It even survived the Great Depression. It was World War II that did it in. The supply lines were severed. They repurposed it into a war plant, manufacturing uniforms. Post-war, it was all suburbs, rock’n roll, and polyester. Nobody gave a flying fart about oriental material.
Jude reaches the last step. Dres steps aside, revealing the body of the man Steinmetz shot.
Steinmetz is seated against a post farther back. He’s pale and his hands quake. He gives a wan smile.
DRES
Your buddy’s a good shot.
Jude rushes to Steinmetz, crouches level with him.
JUDE
Are you alright?
STEINMETZ
You ever been proud and sickened at the same time?
JUDE
No. But I’ll bet your father knew exactly how this feels.
STEINMETZ
You really think so?
DRES
Jeez Louise, people. Everyone knows the first kill’s always the hardest.
She kicks the corpse onto its back.
DRES
But if we don’t bury this creep at least an hour ago, we might as well just surrender to them. And there’s another one still down here somewhere. Could stumble onto the right tunnel any time now.
Steinmetz staggers to his feet.
DRES
Don’t come over here if you’re going to puke again.
STEINMETZ
I’m good. Let’s get it done –
His cell bleeps. He checks it.
STEINMETZ
Shit. It’s the lab –- some guy in cybersecurity is onto us deleting our access last night. They know we were there.
JUDE
Do they know about the experiment?
STEINMETZ
Unclear. But I gotta go down there and smooth-talk him before he can trace the deletion to us. Because my team will rat you out if they threaten firings.
Steinmetz heads up the stairs for the exit. Jude stares into the blank eyes of the corpse.
DRES
Just you and me, sport.
NEW VERSION:
INT. GUTTED FACTORY – DAY
Jude enters cautiously down some rickety stairs from the street. The body of the man Steinmetz shot lies in a pool of blood at the base of the stairs.
Steinmetz is seated against a post farther back, his pistol in his hands. He’s pale and his hands quake.
JUDE
Bill. What did she make you do?
Dres steps out into the open below.
DRES
Oh sure, blame the girl who was abducted and shot at. The patriarchy is alive and well, I see. Your buddy’s a good shot.
Jude rushes to Steinmetz, crouches level with him.
JUDE
Are you alright?
Steinmetz musters a wan smile.
STEINMETZ
You ever been proud and sickened at the same time?
JUDE
No. But I’ll bet your father knew exactly how this feels.
STEINMETZ
You really think so?
DRES
Jeez Louise, people. Everyone knows the first kill’s always the hardest.
She kicks the corpse onto its back.
DRES
But if we don’t bury this creep at least an hour ago, we might as well just surrender to them.
Steinmetz’s cell bleeps. He checks it. Frowns.
STEINMETZ
You know a guy named Dennis McGill?
Dres darts her head at the sound of the name.
DRES
Are you trying to get us caught? Chuck the phone, break the SIM card. You think they can’t track those?
JUDE
Dennis is the new cybersecurity guy.
STEINMETZ
Yeah, well, it looks like he found the deleted access code. He knows we were there last night.
JUDE
Is that all he found?
DRES
I’ll talk to him. I can get him off your back.
JUDE
Do you know Dennis?
DRES
Why would I know him? Honey, I can talk anyone into anything. What are you guys into?
JUDE
Who says we’re into anything?
Jude nods to the corpse.
JUDE
Was he the only one after you?
DRES
No. There’s another. Could stumble onto the right tunnel any time now.
STEINMETZ
I gotta go deal with this.
DRES
Are you serious?
Steinmetz heads up the stairs for the exit. Dres turns to Jude.
DRES
Are you just going to let him go?
Jude stares into the blank eyes of the corpse.
JUDE
What are the odds we can find a pair of shovels lying around?
OLD VERSION:
He stares down Steinmetz –- it’s not a request. Steinmetz finally sits.
DENNIS
Okay. Let’s begin. Something’s going on in this office. There have been some unsanctioned experiments. Some unlawful entries. Some aberrant codes doctored by unauthorized admins. And the people I represent have delegated me to put an end to it all. By any means necessary.
Dennis stares Steinmetz down.
STEINMETZ
Alright, first of all — no one in this room knows what you’re talking about. Second, I’m calling Legal. I don’t care who you are or who you work for, you can’t just bring us in here with this Gestapo shit —
Steinmetz lifts his desk phone to dial. Dennis clicks an app on his cell — and a slide comes up on the main screen.
Lines of code, with one line highlighted.
DENNIS
The system was hacked last night. A swipe card ID print was erased.
Dennis alters the line.
DENNIS
Like so. That’s not only a fireable offense, it’s criminal on several levels.
Steinmetz cradles the phone. Dennis clicks to another slide.
Security footage: an empty corridor… now, a fleeting glimpse of Jude rushing to the next camera.
DENNIS
I assume everyone here is familiar with Dr. Jude Voss?
The footage abruptly goes black.
DENNIS
That’s our rogue actor shutting down the camera feed. Criminal offense number two.
No one speaks. But all eyes are rapt on him. He types on the tablet, restoring the code on-screen.
DENNIS
I’ve got the data footprint, I’ve got Voss on camera, and a subprogram has recorded the equipment that was used in this lab. First person to tell me why gets to keep their job and avoid prosecution.
The techs shift in their seats. Everyone casting glances at one another. A tech clears her throat to speak…
…when Steinmetz cuts her off.
STEINMETZ
Now, wait a minute. You just did something there that I don’t understand and I would assume most of the people in this room don’t understand — and you’re accusing someone here of doing it?
DENNIS
The code was altered by someone in this lab last night at eleven-fifty-three. So, yeah, I would say someone in this room knows exactly what I just did.
STEINMETZ
Do it again. Slowly, so the rest of us grunts can follow it.
Dennis obliges, typing on the tablet. A live feed of the cameras shut off.
DENNIS
One of you shut the cameras down like so to aid Dr. Voss’s unsanctioned and illegal entry…
Now again onto the code. He deletes a list of code.
STEINMETZ
Instead of Dr. Voss’s swipe access, I am now deleting the record of all of you — because you all no longer work here. And I see through your bullshit, Dr. Steinmetz. You know exactly how all of this was done.
Steinmetz rises. Picks up his coffee and the carrier with the undrunk extra.
STEINMETZ
My office.
Dennis doesn’t budge.
STEINMETZ
Please.
NEW VERSION:
He stares down Steinmetz –- it’s not a request. Steinmetz finally sits.
DENNIS
Something’s going on in this lab. And the people I represent have delegated me to put an end to it all. By any means necessary.
Dennis stares Steinmetz down.
STEINMETZ
I’m calling Legal. You can’t just bring us in here with this Gestapo shit —
Steinmetz lifts his desk phone to dial. Dennis clicks an app on his cell — and a slide comes up on the main screen. Lines of code, with one line highlighted.
DENNIS
Look familiar to anyone? The system was hacked twice last night, from th. Once to erase the swipe cards of whoever entered first. And once to conceal the admission of the person you were waiting for.
Dennis alters the line.
DENNIS
That’s not only fireable, it’s criminal.
Steinmetz cradles the phone. Dennis clicks to another slide.
Security footage: an empty corridor… now, a fleeting glimpse of Jude rushing to the next camera. The footage abruptly goes black.
DENNIS
Criminal offense number two.
No one speaks. But all eyes are rapt on him. He types on the tablet, restoring the code on-screen.
DENNIS
First person to tell me why gets to keep their job and avoid prosecution.
The techs shift in their seats. Everyone casting glances at one another. A tech clears her throat to speak…
…when Steinmetz cuts her off.
STEINMETZ
Now, wait a minute. You just did something there that I don’t understand and I would assume most of the people in this room don’t understand — and you’re accusing someone here of doing it?
DENNIS
The code was altered by someone in this lab last night at eleven-fifty-three. So, yeah, I would say someone in this room knows exactly what I just did.
STEINMETZ
Do it again. Slowly, so the rest of us grunts can follow it.
Dennis obliges, typing on the tablet. A live feed of the cameras shut off.
DENNIS
One of you shut the cameras down like so to aid Dr. Voss’s unsanctioned and illegal entry…
Now again onto the code. He deletes a list of code.
STEINMETZ
Instead of Dr. Voss’s swipe access, I am now deleting the record of all of you — because you all no longer work here. And I see through your bullshit, Dr. Steinmetz. You know exactly how all of this was done.
Steinmetz rises. Picks up his coffee and the carrier with the undrunk extra.
STEINMETZ
My office.
Dennis doesn’t budge.
STEINMETZ
Please.
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