-
Lesson 13
Reply to post your assignment.
-
9 Replies
-
Deb loves separating character dialogue
What I learned: Just when you think this class couldn’t get any better. What a huge game-changer. By separating out the dialogue and using the character profile to shape it, you are forced into a creative mode that you wouldn’t find otherwise. Brilliant assignment.
Note: while I had a good grip on some of the characters, I still could not hear Delia, my teenager with angst. By doing this assignment, it really helped me shape her and I even altered her profile because of it.
Character Name: Delia (lead)
Role in the story: High School student, daughter, granddaughter
Core Character Traits:
Self Aware
Addicted
Exaggerated
Stubborn
Character Subtext Logline: Delia is a stubborn teen, addicted to her phone, who is convinced that she’s better off isolated and alone.
Flaw: thinks she’s the only one who suffers
Want: To continue in her isolation Need: To have Faith in Goodness despite life’s trials
Character Arc: from isolation to re-connection with family
This is just the first scene:
Before: Huh?
After: What are you rambling on about?
Before: Where are we going anyway?
After: Where are we going cuz this looks like the road to hell.
Before: You should quit smoking.
After: I saw a commercial about a lady who smoked, and they cut half her face off.
Before: Why?
After: Impossible.
Before: How?
After: Shut the front door.
Before: Well, you’re driving.
After: Well, you’re driving, and I’d like to get to hell in one piece.
Before: Go back and get it!
After: Turn this piece of crap around and go get it!
Before: You are sick! What is your problem?
After: You are sick, twisted, and perverse! Why did you do that?
Here is another character I’m working on. Not quite happy with her yet. It’s true what Hal says; if you aren’t clear on who your characters are, they all end up sounding like you!
Character Name: Paisley
Role in the story: Torrie’s daughter and art curator, Victor’s mother (supporting)
Core Character Traits:
In the background
Precise
Scatterbrained
All business/formal
Character Subtext Logline: Paisley, though scatterbrained, manages to pull everything off with a modicum of success.
Something they don’t want to admit about themselves: She’s juggling too much, but she doesn’t want to let anyone down.
One of the big changes I made, so far, in her dialogue is that I made her speak more formally, in keeping with her core character traits.
Before: I couldn’t get that one wrinkle out of the back.
After: Wrinkles out, except for one in the back. I just couldn’t get it.
Before: Awe, gee, honey I spilled it.
After: Oh! Honey, I spilled it.
Before: That one guy is looking for you. I’m sorry, I can’t remember his name. The art critic guy.
After: There’s a handsome, older gentleman looking for you. Of course, I can’t remember his name. He’s an art critic.
Before: She’ll catch up with you in a little bit…
After: She will circle back in a little while.
Before: Oh my god, I’m so sorry!
After: Excuse me.
Before: Mother, that art critic guy wants a word before he leaves.
After: Mother, the art critic, who’s name escapes me, would like a word with you before he leaves.
Before: So, that’s a wait?
after: I will tell him to wait?
Before: I guess that’s a wait.
After: Yes, of course.
Before: Just coming to see if you needed saving.
After: I came to see if you needed saving.
Before: Hey, mom.
After: Mother Dear.
Before: Well, I just saw them… no, you’re right, you’re right. But listen, we’ve really got to get some photos of you with people.
After: Yes, of course, you’re right. Listen, we need to get some photos of you with people.
Before: Oh, yeah, I know this… He’s working in the back office.
After: This I know. He is working in the back office.
Before: Yes, have you met him? You should go say hello. Excuse me a second. I’m sure there’s something I should be doing right now.
After: Yes. You must stop in and say hello. He loves visitors. Please excuse me. I’m sure there’s something else I should be doing right now. I’m just not sure what it is.
Before: Actually, they’re not for mom. I’m pretty sure they’re for Delia.
After: These are not for mother. I’m positive they are for Delia.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by Deb Johnson.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by Deb Johnson.
-
Deb: It’s amazing how the changes you are making really bring out the character traits. I can “hear” the voices of the characters more specifically in the new version. In reading them, I don’t have any real suggestions on how to improve them. The character traits are the driving force in your dialogue and you have made a breakthrough from my perspective.
Bob
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by
-
Bob loves separating character dialogue
What I learned in this class was a tool for improving character dialogue that was new to me. Created new opportunities to align the character dialogue with the characters traits and subtexts.
Character Name: Fran (lead)
Role in the story: single mother who must find her voice and her power through the sport of rowing.
Core Character Traits:
daddy’s girl, caring mother, reluctant leader and emerging independence
Before: Have to get off probation first. Besides, I haven’t played since Susan was born.
After: Gotta get off probation first Poppa. Remember? Besides, it’s been three years since I played
Before: I can’t keep up with all the reading Poppa. The profs don’t cover everything in class. Yet, we’re responsible for it all. The profs suggest I join a study group.
After: Poppa it’s all the reading. I can’t keep up. The profs want me to join a study group. I don’t know if it’ll be worth it.
Before: Come here little girl. Mommy has found a better life for us. We’re going to have more money and an independent future.
After: Little girl Mommy has found the magic keys to our future. We’ll have more money and no one will tell us what to do from now on.
Before: In for a penny, in for a pound.
After: This is just great! Now all the pressure is squarely on me. If coach is wrong, I’m screwed.
Before: I figure since you got me into this you need to see what it’s all about anyway. Besides, you can meet the coach. A day off won’t kill you.
After: Now listen, you got me into this and the least you can do is come watch us make history. You’ll be able to meet the coach. Not a bad way to spend a Saturday if you ask me.
-
I can see how you are working Fran’s core character traits into her dialogue. Keep up the good work!
-
Deb:
Thank you. This most recent lesson gave me clarity on how to improve the character dialogue in ways I was struggling with in the past. I always felt hampered by the reality the script is based on a true story. Now, I am eager to go after the other characters and see how that process improves their dialogue.
-
-
-
David Wickenden loves separating character dialogue
What I learned from doing this assignment?
I found that by adding some pointed dialog, the character traits were emphasised.
Character Profile: Adam
Role: Leader and wielder of the Staff of Moses
Core character Traits
· Loyal
· Courageous
· Protective
· Lacks confidence in himself
Character Subtext Logline:
Adam is a born leader who need to learn to trust in himself. He is protective of those he considers friends.
Before
A black clad Ninja trots up to them. He bows deeply.
NINJA
Adam-San, Hattori sends his compliments and asks if you have seen Ian?
ADAM
Not since supper yesterday.
NINJA
After his training last night, he was headed to bed, but his bedroll has not been disturbed and he is not in camp.
After
A black clad Ninja trots up to them. He bows deeply.
NINJA
Adam-San, Hattori sends his compliments and asks if you have seen Ian?
ADAM
Not since supper yesterday.
NINJA
After his training last night, he was headed to bed, but his bedroll has not been disturbed and he is not in camp.
Adam gathers up his weapons.
ADAM
Tell Hattori, that I am ready to head out in search of him. Ian is my friend, which makes him my responsibility.
Before
As if called, Guang enters the courtyard and spins on Adam’s shoulder.
ADAM
It’s time to return.
Guang wraps his light around him and before he’s ready, the orb is rocketing towards the setting sun.
After
As if called, Guang enters the courtyard and spins on Adam’s shoulder.
Adam squares his shoulders.
ADAM
It’s time to return. I will learn this. After all we’ve already faced, I won’t quit when we’re this close.
Guang wraps his light around him and before he’s ready, the orb is rocketing towards the setting sun.
-
Nice, both the action and dialogue support Adam’s core traits. Nice work.
-
-
Doug Hughes likes separating dialogue!
What I learned: this is a very useful exercise for examining character, to be sure; however, like the last two exercises, I learned that there was little I could do to further this process. Again, as this screenplay has been adapted from a published play, the bulk of this kind of character work has already been done. I found a few spots where I could tweak the dialogue a bit to help delineate character, however. For example, the two central characters, Jack and Connor, are very similar types–two sides of the same coin, you might say–and as such, their voices have a lot in common. I did manage to find a few ways to separate them, though. Connor’s dialogue is sprinkled liberally with f-shots, for instance. Jack had a few of them as well, in moments of high drama, but I removed them all and left that territory to Connor. Another character, Gertie, has a couple of f-shots in her dialogue as well, but they’re totally in keeping with her character, which is very different from that of Connor’s. There were a few other places where I altered Connor’s speech as well, but really, the examples are too small to really get into.
As for the rest of the characters, I went through all the main ones, and couldn’t find anything of note worth changing. Again, there were some very minor nips and tucks here and there, but that’s about it.
-
LESSON 13 – TRANSFORMATIONAL JOURNEY – PM
Trish’s Transformational Journey
What I learned from doing this assignment is a new way of clarifying my main character(s) and thinking/organizing my script based this assignment.
LOGLINE: TRANSFORMATIONAL JOURNEY
Harald, the young brother of King Olaf, King of Norway sees his brother and his dream die violently in battle and must escape and fight to heal physically, emotionally, and spiritually until he faces challenges that mature him before he begins his journey back to Norway to become King.OLD WAYS: a) Hero worships older brother Olaf. b) Older brother living his childhood dream as King of Norway. c) Wants to be just like him. d) Too young and immature to go into battle to see Olaf’s grisly death, and nearly die himself.
e) Felt envious and resentful, feels guilty – suvivor guilt and alone. Naive but loyal untried boy warrior.NEW WAYS: Mature, clever, smart man who has fought and won many battles of different kinds, is now ready to return home to become King of Norway.
Log in to reply.