-
Lesson 3
Reply to post your assignment.
-
12 Replies
-
David Wickenden Story Beats
What have I learned?
Stretched out like this gives an overview of the entire story.
LOGLINE: For Heaven’s Sake – FANTASY
Four troubled teens become heaven and earth’s last hope against an alien menace when they’re commanded to go on a holy crusade to steal a powerful weapon called The Staff of Moses.
1. EXT. HEAVEN – DAY
Mohammad and Jesus talk after a major battle with an unknown foe. Things are desperate enough to call on the Sentinels.
2. EXT. THE FOREST – DAY
Four teens are sent to a juvenile bootcamp rather than jail. The operators are so aggressive that the four plans an escape. They plan to run to a town, whose lights can be seen on top of a mountain.
3. EXT. BOOTCAMP – NIGHT
The boys escape into the night and make their way to the far side of the lake.
4. EXT. MOUNTAIN POND – DAY
After the hard hike up the mountain, the boys stop for a break beside a mountain pond. Adam dives in and encounters a glowing skull.
5. EXT. MINING CAMP
They reach an abandon mining camp and while sleeping, a glowing orb rises out of the mining shaft, wraps each of the boys and carries them into the mine.
6. EXT. HEAVEN – DAY
They emerge in heaven and meet Jesus and Mohammad, and other gods. Adam meets his dead Grandfather who leads him and his friends away.
7. EXT. GRANDPA’S CAMPFIRE – DAY
Grandpa explains that there are other heavens and that one of them had a breach, allowing an alien race to invade the human heaven. God is not in heaven, but has left a prophecy explain that four mortal boys will fight for heaven and bring peace to the heavens.
8. EXT. Heaven – DAY
As the horde makes another attack, the boys with their escort leave on a quest to find the Riff or breach between the heavens so they can enter the alien world and take back a stolen artifact; the Staff of Moses.
9. EXT. CAMP – NIGHT
They assigned Adam and his friends to four different warrior groups to learn special fighting styles and skills.
10. EXT. ENEMY CAMP
After a brief battle, the group frees prisoners that the aliens meant to feed on. Adam has his first encounter with the alien soldiers.
11. EXT. RIVER VALLEY – NIGHT
A group of humans who had planned on trading him for their families with the aliens captures Ian. He is found and freed.
12. EXT. ENEMY SUPPLY CAMP – AFTERNOON
The group attacks three enemy camps and, although they win, the enemy is able to signal for help.
13. EXT.ENEMY SUPPLY CAMP – MORNING
As leader, Adam must decide the fate of two people who have been infected by alien eggs. They are dispatched and he must learn to live with the decision.
14. INT. RIVER TUNNEL – NIGHT
Pursued by the aliens, the group follows a tunnel through the mountain. The aliens catch up and attack them before being cut off.
15. EXT. CAMP – NIGHT
The troop final arrives at the Riff. Those who will accompany the boys are chosen, but before they can put their plans in place, they are spotted and must go to ground.
16. EXT. CITADEL – NIGHT
After entering the alien world, the team make their way to the citadel. They use their stealth skills to enter the structure and find their way to the Queen’s quarters and the Staff of Moses. She kills Ian and Adam threatens to destroy her egg.
17. EXT. CENTER OF HEAVEN – DAY
With the staff, Adam flies to the center of heaven and presents leaders with the staff, only to find out that he is the one who must learn its power and yield it. He also finds that Ian has been reborn, having died as a mortal.
18. EXT. BOX CANYON – DAY
After many attempts, Adam learns the secrets of the staff. With the troop, they set out to cut off the Queen’s army.
19. EXT. MOUNTAINS – EAST SIDE – MORNING
During a river crossing, the aliens ambush the troop, and the staff is lost. Adam is captured and brought before the Queen, who tortures him for killing her egg.
20. Ext. CENTER OF HEAVEN – DAY
Adam is rescued and finds that Rob was able to save the Staff. Adam uses the power of the staff to defeat the queen’s army and send them all back to the Riff.
21. EXT. RIFF – DAY
Adam beats the Queen, but as she retreats, Ian and Freddy kills her in revenge for killing Ian. Once the alien army has left for their own heaven, Adam seals the Riff.
22. EXT. CENTER OF HEAVEN
Reminded by Jesus that he must bring peace to both heavens, Adam uses the Staff one last time and changes everything back to as it was before the Riff appeared. Both the Queen and Ian are alive, as are all those who died in the war.
23. EXT. MINING CAMP
Returned to their own world, God speaks to the boys, thank them for helping him and warning that they might be called again in the future.
After analysing the beats, two major things stand out. First, the use of both Jesus and Mohammad might inflame different religions. In Islam, the replication of any image of Mohammad is prohibited, and I certainly do not wish to insult anyone. I also do not wish this to single out any religion, which is why I recognized many religions throughout history. Beats 1, 6, 8, 20, 21, 22.
Result: I will take out all references to the major characters of the religions, while still keeping representation of all religions.
Another issue is the death and rebirth of Ian within the story. It has been pointed out that this lowers the stake for the story. Beats 17 and 21.
Result: I will change the beats so that Ian is not reborn during the story, but will have him restored at the end as everything is reverted back through the power of the Staff. This will also add tension to Adam and the others as they deal with his death.
-
Karen Brandin Story Beats
What I’ve learned doing this assignment: how to quickly identify weak beats/story elements and either remove, consolidate or beef up those beats.
NOTE: I only had time to outline the beats and identify those that need to be reworked or deleted, but the actual writing of the improved beats will have to wait for the weekend.
LOGLINE: Former Olympian loses her job with the National Ski Team, so she must overcome the emotional, financial and business challenges of a major life pivot.
BEATS OF THE STORY:
1. EXT. SMALL MOUNTAIN SKI TOWN AND RESORT – EARLY AFTERNOON
Overhead view of the picturesque Main Street of the town of Ornament. Christmas decorations add sparkle to lamp posts and store fronts. The view ends at a ski resort where …
2. EXT. BOTTOM OF THE SKI LIFT – DAY
CHARLOTTE and her grandmother IRIS(70) put on their skis. Laughing and joking with each other.
3. EXT. SKI LIFT – DAY
Charlotte and Iris get on the lift chair for the ride to the top of the mountain. They discuss Charlotte’s contract as a National Ski Team counsellor. To get her mind off of it, Iris challenges Charlotte to a race.
4. EXT. TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN SKI RUNS – DAY
Grams and Charlotte make a bet that the loser of the race has to buy at the town bakery after the ski run. They start down the hill over Charlotte’s objections.
5. EXT. SKI SLOPE – DAY
Charlotte and Iris race down the ski slope, Iris leading the way and picking up speed while Charlotte tries to get her to slow down. They go off the ski run, whipping through trees. As they clear the forest, Charlotte avoids hitting Iris but crashes into a home’s reindeer display.
6. EXT. FRONT LAWN OF A CHALET – DAY
The homeowner, who is the town doc (Finn), and his grandfather (John) get the reindeer off Charlotte and check her for injuries. John talks about seeing the women literally fly out of the trees, ending in Charlotte sliding under the plastic reindeer.
7. EXT. FRONT OF GARAGE – DAY
Meet cute between Finn’s grandfather, John, and Iris. They realize they knew each other in high school. Finn puts Charlotte into his truck and drives her to the hospital.
8. INT. SMALL TOWN HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM – DAY
While Charlotte gets an x-ray and examination, Iris and John chat in the waiting room. She tells him about Charlotte’s skiing career and current job, as well as relationship status. John is more interested in catching up with Iris.
9. EXT. HOSPITAL E.R. ENTRANCE – DAY
Charlotte thanks Finn for his help. She invites him to dinner the next night. He says yes.
10. INT. IRIS’S HOME – DAY
Iris tends to Charlotte, who is getting stiff and has a headache. Charlotte and her friend/coworker Janine have a video phone conversation. Janine gives Charlotte the bad news that Charlotte’s contract with the Ski Team definitely won’t be renewed.
11. INT. SPARE BEDROOM IN IRIS’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Alone, with no need to put up a brave front, Charlotte asks herself, now what?
12. INT. IRIS’S HOME – NIGHT
The two grandparents decide to play matchmakers to get Finn and Charlotte together. The grandparents plan for all of them to go to a cookie-decorating class in two days. John offers to put up Christmas lights on the outside of Iris’s house.
13. INT. IRIS’S HOME – NIGHT
Finn wakes Charlotte up when he calls from the front of her grandmother’s house, where he’s been ringing the doorbell to no avail. She scrambles into clothes and meets him on the front stoop.
14. EXT. IRIS’S HOME – NIGHT
Charlotte walks out and they walk to Finn’ truck. She tells him she made a reservation at an Italian restaurant. Turns out it’s his favorite restaurant in town, mentions they’ll follow the smell of garlic.
15. I/E. MARCELLA’S RISTORANTE ON MAIN STREET – NIGHT
They enjoy getting to know each other around Charlotte’s mishaps with meatballs. Finn tells her about the free Veteran’s Clinic that he and his PA run. Charlotte offers to fill in as a counsellor at the clinic until the new one starts in January. Her grandfather and father were in the military, so she feels drawn to veterans.
16. EXT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT ON MAIN STREET – NIGHT
Finn and Charlotte exit the restaurant and decide to go from a stroll.
17. EXT. MAIN ST. – NIGHT
They walk down Main St. Charlotte gets tangled in a Santa air dancer. Finn helps her out of it. They almost have their first kiss until they’re interrupted by one of the veterans walking by.
18. INT. IRIS’S KITCHEN – DAY
Iris teases Charlotte about her date with Finn. Charlotte says she’s going to the toy store with Finn but will be back home that afternoon to get Christmas decorations out of the attic.
19. EXT. STARDUST AND ROCKETS TOY SHOP – DAY
Charlotte joins Finn at the toy store. They get toys to give to the veterans’ kids on Christmas Eve. Charlotte knocks over a ball display, sending balls over aisles and into customers. Charlotte tells Finn the store reminds her of her parents, who have passed.
20. EXT. FINN’S OFFICE AND THE ATTACHED CLINIC – DAY
Charlotte admires the facade of Finn’s office, and the attached Veterans Clinic.
21. INT. FINN’S OFFICE – DAY
Finn gives Charlotte a tour of the Veteran’s Clinic, where she’ll be working. The two of them wrap the gifts for the kids. Charlotte meets Sue, Finn’s Office Manager. Finn and Charlotte have a short squirt gun fight, where they end up soaking the pizza delivery guy.
22. INT. IRIS’S HOME – DAY
Charlotte and Iris get the Christmas tree decorations and exterior lights from the attic. Charlotte teases Iris about having a “boyfriend”.
23. EXT. IRIS’S HOME – DAY
John and Charlotte are on ladders, stringing lights from the eaves of Iris’s house, when Charlotte loses her balance. Finn shows up in time to keep her from bouncing off of the driveway.
24. INT. TINA’S BAKERY SHOP ON MAIN – DAY
Meet Charlotte’s cousin Tina, owner of a bakery in town. She teases Charlotte about her accident by having the class decorate reindeer gingerbread cookies versus gingerbread men. Charlotte and Finn are surprised to see each other at the cookie decorating class. Charlotte accidentally squirts icing on Finn, then slips on the icing. Finn slows her fall, but goes down with her.
25. EXT. BAKERY SHOP – DAY
Finn offers to give Charlotte a ride home, which she accepts.
26. INT. IRIS’S HOME AND KITCHEN – DAY
Iris asks John to the Christmas Ball. Iris and Charlotte talk about the family pictures they saw on the bakery walls, the ones with Charlotte’s grandfather in particular. Charlotte leaves for her first day at the Veteran’s Clinic.
27. INT. VETERAN’S CENTER – SAME TIME
Charlotte meets a group of the veterans relaxing at the Clinic. They tease her about already being a legend in town. They’re impressed with how well she takes the teasing and gives it back. Charlotte starts her volunteer work of counselling the veterans.
28. INT. VETERAN’S CLINIC – DAY
Charlotte’s friend Janine sets up a video chat for Charlotte to counsel two female members of the ski team who are having confidence issues. The girls see Finn in the background at the end of the session, and tease Charlotte about her new “boyfriend”. Janine “meets” Finn toward the end of the call.
29. EXT. VETERAN’S CLINIC – NIGHT
Finn and Charlotte watch tourists take pictures with the huge ornaments scattered in the park across the street from the Clinic. Charlotte and Finn talk about loving the views from town, but that pictures in nature are even better than in the park. Finn tells her that Ornament seems to be working its magic on her.
30. EXT. MAIN ST. – DAY
Finn invites Charlotte to go to the Ball with him to protect him from the town gossips marrying him off if he shows up with someone from town. Charlotte says yes, but blackmails him into helping her get, and decorate, a tree for Iris.
31. INT. HARVEY’S DINER ON MAIN ST. – DAY
Over lunch, Charlotte and Iris tell each other about their dates for the Ball. Charlotte asks Iris to get a dress for her. Iris agrees as she loves to shop for Charlotte.
32. EXT. FINN’S OFFICE AND THE ATTACHED CLINIC – DAY
Finn and Charlotte head out to get Iris a tree. Instead of getting a tree from the tree lot in the park, Finn insists they go to his property to get a tree. Charlotte agrees.
33. EXT. FINN’S YARD – DAY
Finn says the inbound counselor took another job and offers the one at the Vet Clinic to Charlotte. She looks at the scenery and tells him, maybe she could live in Ornament. They nearly kiss when squirrels jumping from tree-to-tree cause piles of snow to fall on Finn and Charlotte. One squirrel latches onto Charlotte’s hat causing her to panic, until Finn gets it off. Finn won’t let Charlotte near the chain saw for the tree. Once it’s down, Charlotte “helps” him carry it, but drops her end several times.
34. INT. IRIS’S HOME – DAY
Finn puts the tree in the stand for Iris, but can’t stay to decorate it. He and Charlotte go to work at the clinic. John and Iris decorate the tree, growing closer as Iris tells John the family stories behind some of the most cherished ornaments. They head out to lunch after finishing the tree.
35. INT. THE VETERAN’S CLINIC – SAME TIME
Charlotte’s conversation with Finn shows she’s definitely leaning toward staying in Ornament. She has a phone conversation with a deep-pocketed patron of the Ski Team, who agrees to donate to the Clinic to support the new programs Charlotte wants to institute. The patron offers up his financial team to help Charlotte stand up her business.
36. EXT. NACHO NORMAL TACO FOOD TRUCK PARKING LOT – DAY
Charlotte tells Finn about the patron and nervously explains the new activities, etc. she wants to implement at the Clinic. The caveat being, the patron wants her in charge of running the business side of the Clinic. Finn says perfect.
37. INT. IRIS’S HOME – NIGHT
Charlotte and Iris are dressed for the Ball. They talk about feeling like Cinderellas, then head out.
38. I/E. TOWN EVENT CENTER – NIGHT
The two couples dance. Finn dips Charlotte and leans over to kiss her, but one of the veterans interrupts the move, grinning at Finn. Finn again expresses his love for the town. The two items Finn and Charlotte donated to the silent auction bring in the highest bids, and it turns out they each bought the other’s donation – a private ski lesson from Charlotte and Finn’s was dinner for two at the Italian restaurant.
39. INT. VETERAN’S CLINIC – CHRISTMAS EVE – DAY
The patron comes through with the funding for the new programs Charlotte wants to implement. He explains that his son is a veteran, and struggled with PTSD, so the patron is happy to do it. Finn misunderstands a conversation he overhears between Charlotte and Janine, that sounds like Charlotte will return to the city permanently. Finn is cold when Charlotte tells him the good news about the funding. He tells her she should return to the city and not stay in Ornament. He leaves, barely saying good-bye.
40. INT. IRIS’S HOME – NIGHT
John and Iris talk about spending many more holidays together after he gives her a reindeer ornament that says, “Our First Christmas Together” in honor of how they met. Charlotte explains how cold Finn was, that he seemed to change his mind about them working together. She’s hurt and confused. Iris says she wanted to invite John and Finn over for Christmas brunch the next day, but now . . . John says that he’ll see if he can get Finn to talk about it.
41. EXT. FINN’S FRONT LAWN – DAY
While Finn shovels his driveway on Christmas Day , John gets him to talk about why he’s upset. John tells him the straight story, that Charlotte wants to stay in Ornament. Finn looks over at the reindeer on the lawn, smiles, and asks John to help him with his plan to mend things with Charlotte. John agrees.
42. EXT. IRIS’S HOME – DAY
Finn and John show up on Iris’s front lawn, with a reindeer. John knocks on the door, then stands back as Finn starts blaring the song “All I Want For Christmas Is You” from his phone. Charlotte, Iris, Tina and family spill out of the front door. Charlotte smiles and trips while walking to Finn. They both fall in the snow, then kiss. Before Charlotte and Finn go into the house, Finn looks at the reindeer and says, “thanks”. When he turns away, there’s a twinkle in the reindeer’s eye.
BEATS REQUIRING REWRITE/DELETION/COMBINATION WITH OTHER BEATS
39: Donation is too contrived. Rework another way for funding to come into the Clinic.
37: Unnecessary, delete.
36: Rework. Charlotte should not run the clinic, only her business from the clinic and her schedule for donating her time to the veterans.
35: Rework to beef up the patron portion of the beat.
31: Give more substance to this beat so it’s not all about a dress.
28: Delete? Introduces Charlotte’s best friend Janine to Finn, but is that necessary?
27: Expand as this is at the heart of the story – Finn and Charlotte fall in love while helping veterans.
25: Combine with 24.
23: Add more meaningful dialogue between John and Charlotte to this scene while they’re stringing the Christmas lights.
20: Combine with 21.
16: Combine with 17.
14: Combine with 13.
11: Combine with 10.
9: Combine with 8.
2: Combine with 3.
-
Deborah Johnson – Story Beats and revision
What I have learned: A lot! Sometimes you think “oh, I know how to fix this,” and want to go with the first thing that comes to mind. However, there is an amazing thing that happens when you brainstorm. The silly things you come up with can lead to something concrete that you can use to transform the beat. It really is an amazing tool that can elevate your script.
Title: The Plastic Bag
Logline: A plastic bag is passed from one owner to another affecting each life in a significant way.
1 EXT – DELIAHS HOUSE – DAY
Six-year-old Delia crashes through the front glass door and leaps onto the hood of her father’s car to stop him from leaving their family. He leaves anyway.
Flash forward 10 years to 16-year-old Delia, scars on her wrists and phone in hand as her grandmother, Abby (70), picks her up for a road trip. Delia dismisses her mother, Mary (40), with a roll of her eyes.
2 INT – ABBY’S CAR – DAY
Abby, frustrated with Delia’s impudence, throws Delia’s phone out the window. Delia is horrified.
3 EXT – MODEST ART STUDIO – NIGHT
It’s raining as Abby and Delia wait in a long line to get into a very popular, 2-day-only, art exhibit titled “The Plastic Bag,” created by the uber-famous artist, Victoria Hartmann (60). Much to Delia’s surprise, Victoria personally invites them in and offers a personalized tour. Turns out, Abby and Victoria are old friends. Victoria introduces her first piece titled, “The Curse.”
4 BIG DADDY’S PIZZA PLACE – DAY
We’ve been sucked into the artwork. Pizza Clerk, April, 18 years, obsessed with the occult, tries to prove her “powers” to a jeering co-worker, June, 16 years. She places a curse on one of the plastic carry-out bags that is eerily convincing. When the girls are called away, an Ancient Italian Lady (another employee) blesses the Bag. The bag is then filled and ready for pick up.
5 INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – NIGHT
Delia is engaged and wants to hear more. Victoria’s daughter and curator, Paisley, interrupts and tries to draw Victoria away to meet with an important art critic. Victoria insists on introducing her second piece titled “Carry Out.”
6 INT – BILLY AND PAMMY’S CRAPPY APARTMENT – DAY
We are sucked into the artwork. Billy, 25 years, the klutz, brings home The Plastic Bag, which carries two of Big Daddy’s Calzones, to his wife Pammy, 25 years, (and their baby daughter, Missy, age one). A huge argument ensues when Billy reveals he’s lost yet another job. Baby Missy gets a hold of the Plastic Bag and suffocates herself. When they finally resuscitate her, Billy promises to turn over a new leaf. As he leaves, The Bag floats past his very pregnant neighbor, Becky.
7 INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – NIGHT
Delia is intrigued, though she’s starting to display signs of “phone withdrawal”. Abby starts drinking. Victoria is pulled away by the art critic. Delia swipes an alcoholic drink from the bar and ducks into a back room to hide from Abby.
8 INT – ART STUDIO OFFICE – NIGHT
Delia is shocked to see Victor, 19 years, a very handsome boy in a wheelchair. He draws on a propped canvas with a pen in his mouth. He tries to engage her in conversation, but she nervously backs out of the room.
END OF ACT 1
9 INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – NIGHT
Abby finds Delia and takes away her drink (which she hasn’t even sipped from). They reunite with Victoria who introduces her third piece titled “The Windshield.”
10 INT – BRAM’S CAR – DAY
We are sucked into the artwork. The Plastic Bag floats over a two-lane highway and rests on the windshield of Bram, 21, Baily, his girlfriend, (and a gifted violinist), also 21 and Bram’s 10-year-old brother, Reggie. Bram loses control and almost hits an oncoming semi-truck. While pulled over, they rescue a lost kitten from the drainage ditch. Bram proposes marriage to Bailey who reluctantly accepts. Reggie lays claim to the kitten and the Plastic Bag, which he plans to use in a game with his friends.
11 INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – NIGHT
Delia really likes the character of Reggie. Victoria asks Delia if she’s met her grandson, Victor. Paisley interrupts again, this time, requesting Victoria for some photographs with other famous people in attendance. But first, Victoria introduces her fourth piece titled, “The Game.”
12 EXT – BACKYARD/WOODS – DAY
We are sucked into the artwork, but there is the occasional back and forth from the present day as Victoria is interrupted for photos. The story stars Reggie, BJ, age-12, BJ’s sister, Kit, age-6, Axel, age-10, and Drew, age-11. A game of “Capture the Flag” (the Plastic Bag is ‘the flag’). When it seems as though BJ, the bully, will win (to the peril of all others), it is the nerd, Axel, who is triumphant, and BJ who must make a trip to the emergency room. He takes The Bag with him.
13 INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – NIGHT
Victoria is pulled away by one of her biggest fans/art blogger. Abby gets tipsy and devours the appetizers. Delia’s anxiety rises over her not having a phone. She talks to Paisley about Victor. Victoria quickly returns to introduce her fifth piece titled, “Urgent Care.”
14 INT – URGENT CARE CURTAIND ROOM – DAY
We are sucked into the artwork. BJ’s hand is covered with the Plastic Bag because he’s terrified to look at his dislocated finger. The attendants at Urgent Care finally must pin him down to remove it. His mom, Jessie (45), hides the bag in her purse.
MIDPOINT
15 INT – MODEST ARE STUDIO – NIGHT
A special delivery of flowers arrives for Delia. Victor orchestrates this to get Delia to come back and talk to him. Delia finds him charming and is amazed at his fortitude (he is a quadriplegic). She asks if he has a phone she can borrow, but he has a special computer he operates with his voice. Victoria introduces her sixth piece, a tryptic, titled “The Heist”.
16 INT – ALLEN’S CRAPPY APARTMENT – NIGHT
We are sucked into this artwork where the characters come to life, but there are three different locations/beats that tell this story.
Jessie, (BJ’s mom) is worried about Allen, her 68-year-old father, who shows signs of early dementia. She brings him some homemade food in The Plastic Bag and tries to persuade him to move in with her and her kids. Dennis, (58), Allen’s nefarious younger brother, shows up to supposedly take Allen bowling.
17 INT/EXT – SMALL CHURCH – NIGHT
Dennis and Allen have carefully planned and are executing the robbery of a church. Allen, who has taken The Bag with him, has had a change of heart and tries to sabotage the operation, to no avail. They steal the offering monies from a church safe that has a handled depository slot at the top. Allen manages to outwit his brother and gives him a second, identical bag, filled with diapers instead of money.
18 EXT – CITY STREET – NIGHT
Confusion overcomes Allen as he wanders the streets in search of the church so he can return the money. He runs into Billy, Pammy and Baby Missy. They misunderstand him and direct him to a Salvation Army donation bin, where he deposits the money. They help him call his daughter, Jessie, to take him home.
19 INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – NIGHT
Delia is almost ‘ticking” with her strange “phone withdrawal” behaviors… Abby offers Delia her own flip phone, just to hold onto – but Delia rejects it. Delia is frustrated with the “happy endings.” Where is her happy ending? The stories don’t ring true for her. Victoria introduces her artwork number seven, another tryptic titled “The Donation.”
20 EXT – CRAPPY APARTMENT COMPLEX – DAY
We are once again sucked into the artwork. There are three beats to this story.
While Becky, 19 -years, pregnant and estranged from her father, walks to her job, she’s informed by her landlord that she faces eviction at 5 pm that day if she doesn’t come up with her past due rent.
21 INT – SALVATION ARMY SORTING ROOM – DAY
Becky, who works at the Salvation Army, sorts clothes and discovers the Plastic Bag full of money. She layers the money in-between baby clothes and buys The Bag for $5.00.
22 EXT – DOWNTOWN SHOPPING DISTRICT – DAY
It starts small, with a meal at an all-you-can-eat buffet, and soon cascades out of control… Becky goes on a spending spree, buying new clothes, getting a makeover, buying a phone, and finally buying a diamond tennis bracelet.
23 EXT – CRAPPY APARTMENT COMPLEX – NIGHT
Becky is out of money and late getting home. She finds the contents of her apartment on the curb. Out of options, she calls her dad who is anxious to bring her home. While she waits for him, she gives The Plastic Bag to the Ancient Italian Lady neighbor whose recyclables have just broken through a paper bag and have scattered all over the driveway. Before she leaves, she has a conversation with her neighbor and friend, Pammy. When Pammy admires her new bracelet, Becky gives it to her as a parting gift.
24 INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – NIGHT
Delia has disappeared and Abby looks for her. Paisley directs her to the back office. Victor guesses that Delia went to buy herself a new phone. Abby checks her wallet, and her credit card is missing.
25 INT/EXT – PHONE STORE – NIGHT
Abby rushes into the phone store and stops Delia from buying the phone. Delia is embarrassed and distraught. There is a heated argument… which continues out onto the sidewalk. Delia is beyond frustrated and on an impulse, she steps off the curb into oncoming traffic. Abby grabs her by the hair and pulls her back.
ACT THREE
26 INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – DAY
The next day, Abby and Delia return to the studio, empty of patrons, to say goodbye to Victoria. She insists they stay and view her last piece of art. She introduces “The Ending”
27 EXT – A VAST ESTATE AND MANSION – DAY
Bailey (from “The Windshield”) arrives home to a vast estate. She’s surprised to see a massive party going on, complete with fireworks. The security guard explains that her sister, Becky, has come home and her father has pulled out all the stops. Baily is furious. Her father comes out to her and tries to get her to join the party, but it doesn’t look like she will.
28 INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – DAY
Delia sides with Baily and tells Victoria that it’s the only story that makes sense to her. All of these other “Happy Endings” are not real life – certainly not her real life. Victoria insists it’s better to be at the party then off on your own, all alone.
Abby reveals that she is wearing The tennis bracelet and Victoria can’t believe that she’s kept it all these years.
Delia understands now that Abby is Pammy and Victoria is Becky.
She challenges the narrative by asking Abby about the baby in the story (which she assumes to be her mother). But Abby tells her that Mary, Delia’s mom, is her second child.
Victoria admits that she changed the endings. Her artwork is simply a series of “unanswered prayers.”
Victoria walks Delia past the paintings in order and reveals how each story truly ended.
29 EXT – CEMETARY – DAY
Billy and Pammy weep over a grave as a tiny casket is lowed into the ground.
30 INT – BRAM’s CAR – DAY
Bram and Baily are buckled in their seats when they have a head-on collision with a semi-truck. The airbags explode as Reggie (not buckled) flies over the back seat and crashes through the windshield.
31 EXT – BACKYARD/WOODS – DAY
Reggie, as a quadriplegic in a wheelchair, sends his friends off into the woods to play his game.
32 INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – DAY
Delia understands that Reggie is Victor. Delia is confused about the order of events and Victoria explains that her artwork is theological, not chronological. Victor, Paisley’s son, was in a car accident with his aunt and uncle.
Victoria explains that she’s not sure how the money got into the donation bin, but she imagined it that way. Delia questions her about her father coming to rescue her.
33 EXT – CRAPPY APARTMENT COMPLEX – DAY
Becky sits next to her crap on the curb and cries. In a voice-over, we hear Victoria explain that her father didn’t come for her that day. Pammy appears and ushers Victoria into her apartment.
34 INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – DAY
Abby says that Paisley was born a few days later. Victoria explains that eventually, her dad came around. She went to work for him and, in time, went to art school.
Delia wonders how they could possibly believe in Goodness in the face of evil. Victoria explains what Faith is – believing despite what you see. And, despite their struggles, they can choose to live joyfully and in Hope. Victoria tells Delia she hopes she will change her mind about who The Father is and join the party.
Delia wishes she could say goodbye to Victor – and Victoria tells her that they will all just have to get together again, and soon.
35 EXT – DELIA’S HOUSE – DAY
Abby and Delia exit the car. Abby retrieves the carry-out from Big Daddy’s Pizza from the back seat while Delia embraces her very shocked, yet receptive mother, Mary. They all sit together on the front porch and eat.
REVISION
BEAT 26 and 28 REVISIONS
26 INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – DAY
The next day, Abby and Delia return to the studio to apologize and say goodbye. Though empty of patrons, there is much activity as they prepare for the second showing (custodial staff, caterers). A cat wanders around the room. Paisley and Victor are also there. Victoria insists they stay and view her last piece of art. She introduces “The Ending”.
28 INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – DAY
Delia sides with “Baily” and tells Victoria that it’s the only story that makes sense to her. All these other “Happy Endings” are not real life – certainly not her real life. Victoria insists it’s better to be at the party than off on your own, all alone.
As they talk, Aunt Cora arrives (Victoria’s sister) and brings several “Big Daddy’s” pizzas. The cat jumps on one of the pizzas, destroying it. Delia recognizes Cora as a famous violinist. Paisley feeds pizza to Victor. They all interject into the core conversation.
Delia challenges Victoria telling her, her artwork is fiction and not relative.
Abby reveals that she is wearing The Tennis Bracelet and Victoria can’t believe that she’s kept it all these years.
This is a FLASHBACK to beat 23.
EXT – CRAPPY APARTMENT COMPLEX – NIGHT
Pammy admires Becky’s new Tennis Bracelet and Becky gives it to her as a parting gift.
Delia understands now that Abby is Pammy and Victoria is Becky. She challenges the narrative by asking Abby about the baby in the story (which she assumes to be her mother).
This is FLASHBACK to Beat 6
INT – BILLY AND PAMMY’S CRAPPY APARTMENT – DAY
Pammy throws some Cheerios on the floor to baby Missy who plays with pots and pans.
But Abby tells her that Mary, Delia’s mom, is her second child.
Victoria admits that she changed the endings. Her artwork is simply a series of “unanswered prayers.”
Victoria walks Delia past the paintings in order and reveals how each story truly ended.
-
Emma Served Me The Finger – EROTIC THRILLER, COMEDY
Logline:
Emma Served Me the Finger is an erotic thriller comedy about a naively optimistic boyfriend who sneaks into his girlfriends home to set up a surprise until he he discovers a skeleton in her closet which not only threatens their evening but also their relationship entirely.
What I’ve learned: How effective separating out can make certain elements more clear that need improvement.
1. Opening
Joe waits and reflects on his relationship with Emma before she leaves for a concert.
At first, we are to think that Joe is a stalker, implied more horror/thriller tone.
2. Joe mentions their relationship and his plan.
Joe tells one of Emma’s neighbors that he’s going to have a surprise, anniversary party for his girlfriend Emma.
More rom com tone.
3. Joe breaks into Emma’s place and prepares.
After she leaves, he sneaks into her house and sets up a romantic decorations and a surprise dinner. He accidentally catches a curtain on fire and puts it out after receiving a message that Emma is returning home.
The tone is implied “rom com”.
4. Joe discovers Emma’s secret.
Joe brings a fully cooked turkey to Emma’s bedroom to put in her closet as a nice surprise. After almost dropping the turkey, a dead corpse falls out of her closet.
The tone shifts for the first time where it can be both horror and comedy. It leans more horror.
5. Emma returns home.
Emma returns home. After barely getting by, Joe acts like he has no idea that the corpse is in her closet. Emma – thinking he doesn’t know – thinks his surprise is romantic and goes in for a hug.
It leans more rom com.
6. Emma smells the corpse on Joe’s body.
After discovering Joe knows her secret, Emma teases and taunts him. She forces him to drink a cocktail that Joe believes in poisoned.
The tone is more horror than comedy. But maintains both.
7. Emma teases Joe.
Emma flashes Joe as she puts on some music. Then she implies that she is both turned on by him and also that she is a cannibal.
The tone is more comedy than horror. But maintains both.
<u style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>8. Joe escapes/dinner.
Joe escapes Emma’s advance. But Emma implies that she’ll chase after Joe. They eat dinner. As they eat dinner, Emma plays with her food.
The tone shifts from horror to comedy as the make their way through dinner.
9. Emma spills wine as she dances for Joe.
Emma spills wine on the table. It looks like blood stain. Then Emma takes Joe into the living room. There, Emma dances an attempted erotic dance.
The previous comedic tone gets cut by the implied danger of the spill. As Emma performs her seductress dance, the tone edges from horror to comedy.
10. Joe fails to escape.
Joe tries to escape but Emma collapses into him. To distract her, Joe mentions he has boardgames. Emma suggest operation.
The previous comedic tone edges from comedy to horror.
11. Emma test Joe.
Emma mentions that Joe knows her secret before mentioning that everyone’s got skeletons in their closet. Then she mentions how Joe is the only man to ever make her feel safe and how she wants to protect his soul.
The previous horror tone edges from horror to romantic/sentimental. This scene is the first scene where comedy isn’t involved.
12. Emma goes in.
Joe falls for Emma’s trap. He breaks his guard down after it’s implied that Emma wouldn’t hurt him. Then she slips off her dress.
The previous romantic/sentimental tone turns horror. There is also implied comedy in seeing Joe falling for her trap.
13. Emma dismembers Joe.
Joe gets knocked out by Emma. Joe wakes up in Emma’s bed, tied down. Emma implies that she use torture tools on Joe before turning on a goofy song and performing a teasing dance. Then she rips his eyeballs out.
The scene tonally starts in horror, then goes back to comedy before sharply turning back into horror.
14. Joe wakes up.
Joe wakes up in Emma’s home. He enters to see her eating his dead corpse. Then she grinds the floor as bananas fall from the ceiling.
The last scenes horror lingers until the bananas fall from the ceiling, shifting the scene quickly from horror to comedy.
15. Joe wakes up again.
Again in Emma’s home. But this time, the dead corpse of Emma is on top of him.
The comedy of the last scene gets cut by this one.
16. Joe wakes up again again.
Joe wakes up one more time. He checks her closet for a corpse. Nothing. He enters to see her cooking. He gets changed into new clothes and then they have dinner.
The horror of the last scene eases away into this scene to a comedy.
17. Joe wakes up again.
As Joe eats dinner, and he and Emma have a silly conversation. Things seem to return to normal. Until goes to take a bite of sausage and discovers that the sausage is actually the finger of the corpse he found earlier. Joe screams. Emma laughs and plays with her food.
Coming from the sharp tone of horror, the last scene lingers on and maintains the comedy until Joe discovers the finger. Once he does, it sharply gets cut by horror before Emma plays with her food, again cutting the horror with comedy.
Issues to fix: For me, this piece is really going to thrive if tonally, it’s steadily hopping back and forth between two polar opposite genres. Beats 9-11 I think need some improvement in keeping the tension present. I also feel like I could risk loosing the audience from exhaustion if these beats go on for too long.
-
Douglas E. Hughes – Story Beats
LOGLINE – Jack of Diamonds – Comedy
A group of savvy seniors in a retirement home is forced to team up with the very conman who has swindled them out of their life savings in order to save themselves from eviction.
1. EXT – COURTROOM – DAY
Robin Connor, famous financial advisor, is taken into court in handcuffs, charged with running a Ponzi scheme and stealing millions from his clients. He collapses during his arraignment.
2. INT – TRANSITIONS RETIREMENT HOME – JACK’S ROOM – NIGHT
Jack watches clips of his jewelry business commercials from the 1980’s on YouTube. His narcoleptic friend Blanche comes in and coaxes him to come and see their friend Wilf off. He’s moving out, as he can no longer afford to live there.
3. INT – DEPARTURE POINT – NIGHT
Jack, Blanche and their friends Gertie and Flora say goodbye to Wilf, leaving him in this dreary government facility.
4. INT – TRANSITIONS COMMON ROOM – NIGHT
As Jack and his friends toast Wilf, they see a news story about their financial advisor having been arrested and sent to hospital in a catatonic state. They realize that their life savings are gone.
5. EXT – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Word has leaked out about where Connor has been taken. A riot breaks out. Connor, still catatonic, is spirited out of the hospital in a hearse.
6. INT – JACK’S ROOM – NIGHT
Jack’s on his laptop, Googling get-rich-quick schemes. He sees a hearse arrive and assumes another resident has passed away.
7. INT – JACK’S ROOM – DAY
Jack wakes up to find himself face to face with a catatonic Connor, lying in the bed opposite him. He storms off to complain to management.
8. INT – COMMON ROOM – DAY
Jack wheels a disguised Connor in and reveals his identity to his friends. They resolve to put him out of his misery with a drug overdose. After he’s taken away by their nemesis, Nurse Harper, they have a change of heart.
9. EXT – TRANSITIONS GROUNDS – DAY
Jack and Blanche are out for a walk. He gets a call from his daughter, which he declines. He explains that they’re not on speaking terms. He asks Blanche out on a date.
10. INT RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Jack and Blanche are having dinner. He tells her about how his kids forced him to sell his home and move to Transitions.
11. INT – JACK’S ROOM – NIGHT
A wide-awake Connor is at Jack’s computer, trying passwords. There’s a knock on the door. Shortly thereafter, Nurse Harper enters to find Connor back in his wheelchair, staring vacantly.
12. INT – COMMON ROOM – NIGHT
Connor’s on the phone to his lawyer, begging him to get him out of this place. These old farts are going to kill him! Jack and Blanche come in and Connor hides.
13. INT – COMMON ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Blanche falls asleep and Connor is revealed. Jack strikes a deal with him–he and his friends will help Connor escape if he’ll cough of half of his $10 million diamond stash.
END OF ACT ONE
14. INT – DINING ROOM – DAY
Jack, Connor and the others are having breakfast. Gertie’s on her laptop, arranging the shipment of the diamonds as Connor provides the necessary passwords.
15. INT – MWAMBA’S OFFICE – DAY
Ben and Lisa learn from Dr. Mwamba, Transitions’ administrator, that Connor has cleaned Jack out and he’ll be forced to move to Departure Point at the end of the month if he can’t pay his rent.
16. INT – JACK’S ROOM – DAY
Mortimer, Connor’s lawyer, demands that his client be moved to another facility. Nurse Harper instructs him to wait for Dr. Mwamba in the common room. Jack, who’s in the bathroom, overhears this.
17. INT – TRANSITIONS LOBBY – DAY
Ben and Lisa, still unable to get Jack to answer the damn phone, decide to visit Departure Point.
18. INT – COMMON ROOM – DAY
Jack, posing as Dr. Mwamba, tells Mortimer that Connor can’t be moved, as he’s suffering from a rare, deadly and highly contagious virus. Mortimer, a major germaphobe, is scared off.
19. INT – GYM – DAY
The diamonds have arrived. Jack, Connor & company check them out. They celebrate–they’re rich! Harper comes in and takes Connor back to Jack’s room for a nap.
20. INT – HALLWAY OUTSIDE JACK’S ROOM – DAY
A gloved hand opens Jack’s door. A second gloved hand points a gun into the darkened room. BANG!
21. EXT – TRANSITIONS – DAY
A detective interviews Flora about the shooting. He writes “Dementia?” in his notebook.
22. INT – TRANSITIONS LOBBY – DAY
Lisa, very distraught after seeing what a hellhole Departure Point is, begs Blanche to convince Jack to talk to her.
23. INT – COMMON ROOM – DAY
Nurse Harper wheels Connor, very much alive, into the room. The shooter missed! She leaves. Flora reveals the gun in her purse. She’s the one who tried to kill him.
24. INT – GYM – EVENING
Connor, now in possession of Flora’s gun, demands that they get his bracelet off and give him his share of the stones. Harper comes in with Connor’s dinner. Jack offers to feed him and she leaves.
25. INT – GYM – LATER
Gertie sets off Connor’s bracelet, bringing Harper back in as Jack and Connor are examining the stones. Jack hides them in Connor’s pudding. Blanche renders Harper unconscious, then passes out herself. The cops arrive and shut off Connor’s bracelet. Then Harper wakes up and goes off with Connor’s dinner tray.
26. INT – COMMON ROOM – NIGHT
Jack, pushing Connor in his wheelchair, catches up to Harper and offers to feed him. She insists on doing it herself, and promptly feeds him the now very lumpy pudding.
27. INT – COMMON ROOM – DAY
The friends are stuffing Connor full of Choco-Lax. Harper comes in, checks Connor’s chart and sees that he hasn’t had a bowel movement since arriving. She shoots him full of fast-acting, heavy-duty laxative.
28. INT – COMMON ROOM – LATER
Mortimer arrives to announce that the charges have been dropped. He removes Connor’s bracelet and leaves. Connor bolts for the door, but doubles over with severe cramps. Jack takes him into the bathroom. The stones are, uh, retrieved.
29. INT – LISA’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
Lisa and Ben, having been assured by Blanche that Jack will talk to them, head for Transitions.
30. INT – COMMON ROOM – LATER
The group are just about to divvy up the diamonds when they discover that they’ve vanished. Jack’s kids walk in as he has a meltdown, hurling abuse at all of them. Flora is overcome by this display and drops to the floor, unconscious.
END OF ACT TWO
31. INT – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Jack apologizes to Gertie for losing their savings. She tells him that he needs to stop trying to do it all on his own. He needs to let the rest of them in. He concedes that she’s right, and they resolve to find the diamonds.
32. MONTAGE – THE SEARCH FOR THE DIAMONDS
A) In the dining room, Jack paws through a resident’s pudding, looking for the diamonds.
B) Gertie and Flora go through their things in their room. Flora gets distracted by something shiny.
C) Blanche empties a huge bag of dirty laundry in the laundry room and goes through it.
D) Connor, in his undies, shakes out his pants in Jack’s room. The place has been ransacked.
E) Jack looks out the window and sees a couple of maintenance guys tossing garbage bags into a large container. He heads out in a hurry.
F) In the garbage area out back, Jack tries in vain to climb up into a dumpster. Mrs. Drake, the resident fitness freak, sees him, jogs over and hoists him inside.
33. INT – BLANCHE’S ROOM – DAY
Jack shows up, dishevelled and reeking of garbage. No sign of the diamonds. He apologizes and promises to do better. They make up.
34. INT – COMMON ROOM – DAY
Gertie and Flora are chocking up sales on Flora’s jewelry website. Connor spots a “paste” diamond necklace for sale and realizes what’s happened to the stones. He leaps out of his wheelchair and takes off.
35. INT – JACK’S ROOM – DAY
Harper walks in on Connor, who’s busy buying Flora’s diamond necklace with Jack’s credit card. The delivery address is in Rio. Harper begs him to take her with him, and he agrees.
36. EXT – BEN’S DRIVEWAY – DAY
Jack and Blanche arrive in a taxi as Ben & Lisa stand waiting. He forgives them for moving him into Transitions and apologizes for his behaviour. Hugs all around.
37. INTO – RIO JEWELLER’S – DAY
A jeweller examines Connor’s necklace as he and Harper wait breathlessly.
38. INT – LOBBY – DAY
Jack and company wait for the bus to Departure Point. Just as it pulls in, Jack notices the new necklace Flora is working on. He examines it–he’s found the diamonds! They all celebrate.
39. INT – RIO JEWELLER’S – DAY
The jeweller shakes his head. Connor grabs him by the collar. The jeweller frees himself, picks up a small hammer and smashes one of the stones into powder. Harper faints as the jeweller picks up the phone.
40. INT – COMMON ROOM – NIGHT
The gang is hosting a “Welcome Home Wilf” party. Wilf asks Jack what he’s going to do with all his money. Jack assures that he’s got it all worked out.
41. EXT. – TRANSITIONS GROUNDS – DAY
Jack and the ladies are filming a commercial for Flora’s website, an echo of Jack’s cheesy TV ads from the 80’s.
FIN
-
(The instructions said to post Version 1 and then Version 2 of BEATS and then the changes between the two, but I see no one did that, so I’m posting just Version 2)
REWRITE – DAY 3 – Elevate the Beats of Your Story
Lisa Long’s Story Beats
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is by breaking the story into beats I can see the structural problems rather than focusing on the characters or dialogue.
Logline: A 12-year-old aspiring dancer is abandoned by her mother with a man she’s never met to live above his seafood restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay.
BEATS SEPARATED OUT AND CHANGES:
The total number of Beats went from 25 to 53, so I added several scenes to beef up the story. From Scene 12 going forward, the beats changed. In the original Molly is obsessed with The Nutcracker, but in the new beats she is trying to get into the NYC Ballet program. I decided to remove the Christmas factor mainly because I’ve seen it done many times before. The biggest change was in the original beat list Edgar died at the end. But in the new beats, Jane dies, which leads to a happier ending for the family unit. Also, Molly stays home in the original beats and in the new beats list, she ends up going to NYC and fulfilling her dream.
NOTE: I’m in the WIM2 class too and this script is part of that class as well. I am still working on incorporating the feedback from the other class into the script. Thus, I have added some notes in bold in Version Two – Beats based on the changes I’m still working on.
CHESAPEAKE GIRL – BEATS
VERSION TWO
1. EXT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – DAY
April, a gypsy dancer drops off her 12-year-old daughter Molly to stay with Edgar, a bearded long-haired guy. Edgar owns Big Ed’s Seafood Hut on the Chesapeake Bay and lives over the restaurant. Molly has a meltdown. Chessie, Edgar’s dog comforts her. Edgar picks Molly up and takes her inside.
2. INT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – DAY CONTINUOUS
2.Molly looks around the restaurant. She hates seafood! Ed introduces Molly to his cook, Jane, who looks over her glasses at Molly. Jane is seventy years old, wise, and protective of Ed for whom she’s worked for decades.
3. INT. BEDROOM OVER RESTAURANT – DAY CONTINUOUS
Jane takes Molly upstairs to see her bedroom. Chessie tags along. Molly doesn’t want
to be there and is still wiping away tears. Jane explains to Molly that Ed as
an ex-military man likes to run a tight ship. And if Molly has any “female”
issues to talk to her. Molly asks questions as she
strokes Chessie. Jane answers a couple,
but then has to go. Even though she’s sad, she’s never had a room of her own. <div>4. INT.
RESTAURANT KITCHEN – DAYMolly
comes downstairs and goes into the kitchen where Jane is working on the dinner
courses. Ed interrupts the kitchen talk
and tells Molly that he has a few rules 1. Keep her phone on so he can reach
her at all times. 2. Work in the dining room cleaning tables every day after
school. 3. No dancing. Molly protests! She
must dance! Molly storms up to her room.
Jane suggests that he’s being unreasonable to ask a child not to dance…for she
knows that it is only because the love of his life, April was a dancer who
broke his heart. Ed is in charge. Molly must be subordinate.5. INT. ED’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Ed rolls up his sleeve as Jane gives him some medicine to take. Ed downs the pills. Jane preps his arm and administers the shot. She puts a Band aid on it. Jane asks how Ed is feeling. Ed changes the topic by asking if he’s been too hard on Molly. Jane says to talk to her. Tell her that you can’t bear to be around dancers since April left. Ed is not ready to talk about it. Jane points out that it’s been 12 years. Ed says he’ll tell her soon why he’s anti-dance and about his condition. Jane says it needs to be sooner than later.
6. INT. RESTAURANT – EVENING CONTINUOUS
Molly is standing in the restaurant disgusted watching the patrons eat crabs. Ed yells at her to wipe down a table. Molly is mad that she’s been forced into child labor. Molly and Ed argue because she doesn’t want to work. Subtext: Molly and Ed are both mad at April.
7. INT./EXT. RESTAURANT – EVENING CONTINUOUS
Molly reluctantly collects the stinky brown paper full of crab carcasses and takes it outside to the trash dumpster. Bud, the bus boy follows her outside and makes fun of her when she gets crab fluid all over herself. He calls her “Ed’s stinky love child”. Molly tries to physically fight with the bus boy. He laughs at her holding her back at arm’s length. Ed breaks it up. Molly wants to know what Bud meant. Ed goes back inside without answering her.
8. EXT. BEACH – DAY
Molly is with Chessie dancing on the beach when Marshall (Mars for short, a Black man of 32 years old) under an umbrella corrects her jete (a ballet leap). Molly recognizes Mars’ name as a renown choreographer! As Molly dances around Mars’ umbrella, she opens up about being abandoned by her mom. Mars tells Molly about his mother passing away and he came back to the Bay to be alone and grieve. They bond over mom’s and being sad. Instant friends as they discuss Molly’s dream to dance at the NYC Ballet.
9. EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL TRACK – DAY
Molly’s first week of school. Molly and a group of students are about to run around the track. Susan the gym teacher blows a whistle to start the race. Molly runs like the wind…and when the spirit moves her, she adds a jete (jump). The kids laugh at her antics and one bully mimics her to make the other kids laugh more. The teacher tells her to cool it if she wants to make friends. Tammy, a nerdy girl tells her to ignore the kids, but when Tammy talks about TikTok dancing, Molly becomes snobby, and Tammy runs off.
10. INT. ED’S HOUSE – LATE EVENING CONTINUOUS
Molly sneaks out of her bedroom, toe shoes in hand, and runs down the back stairs. Chessie is at the bottom of the stairs and whines.
11. INT. MARS’ HOUSE – LATE EVENING CONTINUOUS
Molly goes to Mars’ house to try and convince him to work with her on audition material. He resists as he’s taking a sabbatical from dance. Molly discovers that he has a dance studio on the side porch of the house. Molly insists on dancing her him. Problem arises when Mars realizes she good…really good!
12. EXT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – DAY
Molly is sweeping the outside patio of Big Ed’s Hut when Mars comes to eat. Molly practically attacks him again to try to convince him to teach her. Molly gets in an argument with Mars’ waitress, Ginny when she thinks Molly is trying to steal her customer. Ginny asks Molly what she wants with that old man. Molly says he’s not an old man, he’s a choreographer.
MONTAGE
13. INT. ED’S HOUSE – NIGHT CONTINUOUS
Molly has broken Mars’ will and he’s agreed to work with her on her dancing. Molly climbs out her bedroom window and onto the patio roof, then jumps to the ground.
14. INT. MARS’ HOUSE – NIGHT
Molly knocks on Mars’ door. He opens and says, Let’s get started.
15. EXT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – EARLY MORNING CONTINUOUS
Molly climbs out her bedroom window onto the patio roof and jumps off onto the ground. She runs towards Mars’ house.
16. INT. MARS’ HOUSE – EARLY MORNING
Molly practices her dance. She realizes she has to get to school and hurriedly removes her toe shoes. She puts on tennis shoes, grabs her backpack, and runs out the door waving to Mars. Mars waves goodbye to her as she leaves.
17. EXT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – NIGHT
Molly sneaks in and up the stairs with her backpack and dance bag in tow. She’s being very quiet. Chessie quietly follows Molly into her bedroom.
18. INT. MARS’ HOUSE – LATE AFTERNOON
Molly dances but keeps messing up. Mars indicates to do it again. Molly tries again but messes up the dance. Frustrated she yells and stomps her feet. Mars points to do it again! Molly gains her composure and gets into position. She begins again.
END MONTAGE
19. INT. MARS’ HOUSE – LATE EVENING
19.Time has passed. Molly is dancing in Mars’ home studio. They are working on choreography. Mars tells Molly that he called a colleague in NY and got her a virtual audition. Molly is ecstatic but knows Ed will never let her go.
20. INT. MOLLY’S BEDROOM – LATE AFTERNOON CONTINUOUS
Molly’s mom April facetimes her. But April masks where she really is…in a hospital waiting room. Molly wants to know when April is coming to see her. April says she doesn’t know, but she promises it will be soon. Talking to Chessie, Molly calls her a liar after ending the facetime.
21. INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM, BOSTON – LATE AFTERNOON CONTINUOUS
April is called into Dr. Hilty’s office by the nurse.
22. INT. DR. HILTY’S OFFICE – LATE AFTERNOON
Dr. Hilty tells April that after reviewing the tests, she has scoliosis, or curvature of the spine. And that she will never dance again. April is stunned. Dr. Hilty explains that because she was a dancer, she probably overcompensated and held herself erect in such a way as to not make it noticeable. He tells her she will need surgery right away and to see the scheduler on the way out.
23. INT. PATIO ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – NIGHT CONTINUOUS
Molly and Ed argue about dancing. Molly says he doesn’t understand. Ed makes it clear, no dancing, no leaving. A storm is raging outside. Molly runs out into the storm. Edgar says he doesn’t know what to do. Jane says to go after her.
24. EXT. CHESAPEAKE BEACH – NIGHT CONTINUOUS
Chessie followed Molly out into the storm. Molly gets hit by a wave and is carried offshore. Chessie barks at her from the edge of the water.
25. EXT. CHESAPEAKE BEACH – NIGHT CONTINUOUS
Ed grabs a life preserver and runs after Molly. Molly is screaming for help. Ed swims out to Molly and pulls her to shore. He picks her up and carries her home.
26. INT. ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – NIGHT CONTINUOUS
Jane meets Molly and Ed at the door with towels. She grabs Molly and wraps a towel around her. Ed exhausted can’t even talk to Molly. He goes upstairs. Molly and Jane talk about their situation and Edgar.
27. INT. MOLLY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Jane is helping Molly get ready for bed after her ordeal. Molly asks Jane why he doesn’t like dancing. At first, Jane resists telling Molly, but finally tells her that his love ran off to be a dancer.
28. INT. MARS’ HOUSE – EARLY MORNING
It’s time for the virtual audition. Mars has set up the room with a camera and speakers, etc. Molly lies to Mars and tells him that Edgar said it was okay because he felt bad after the storm incident. Molly did her own make-up and hair, and Mars helps her fix it. Molly wears a tutu that Mars has supplied. They record the audition. Molly is exquisite.
29. INT. MIDDLE SCHOOL CLASSROOM – DAY
Molly is seated in the back of the classroom. Her head is down looking at her phone under the desk. She’s waiting for Mars to text her about the audition result. Miss Lowe the French teacher catches her. Molly says she’s waiting for an important text. The kids make fun of her.
30. INT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – AFTERNOON
Molly comes running in from school with her phone in her hand. Jane is in the room and tells her when dinner is. Molly runs up the stairs to her bedroom, slamming the door. Chessie runs behind her but doesn’t make it in time. He scratches at the door and breathes underneath it.
31. INT. MOLLY’S BEDROOM – AFTERNOON
Molly is looking at her phone. She’s ecstatic! She lets Chessie into the room. She dances around him, and he barks. Molly runs to her window to see if she can see Mars down the beach at his house. Molly climbs out onto the porch roof and shimmies down the drain pipe into the sand. She runs down the beach towards Mars’ house. Chessie looks out the window at her.
32. INT. MARS’ HOUSE – AFTERNOON
Molly and Mars are so happy about the audition. Molly worries about Edgar and the fact that her mom isn’t there. Mars confesses that the house isn’t his mom’s and she’s been dead for years. It is in fact his house and it was his boyfriend who passed away. He was afraid she’d judge him. Molly says she’s been around dancers all her life and she understands. And that his mom would be proud of him.
33. INT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – AFTERNOON
(This scene is going to be moved further into the story to keep Edgar in the dark longer)
Molly quietly enters shutting the door behind her. She turns around to see Ed sitting there. Molly explains that she got an audition in NYC and she’s going. Edgar says no and he’s found out she’s been sneaking out. Molly screams that he is ruining her life and runs upstairs to her bedroom. Jane tells Edgar she will go talk to Molly, but instead she goes into her bedroom and lies down.
34. INT. JANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
(I have plans to re-write this scene, but the feeling will be the same)
Molly, her eyes swollen from crying, goes into Jane’s bedroom. She shyly asks Jane for a needle and thread to sew a ribbon on her tattered toe shoe. Jane takes it and starts to sew it for her. Jane shares history of herself and Molly’s mom April showing her an old photo. Molly says Edgar treats Chessie better than her. She talks about leaving and upsets Jane who cries. Jane says they need each other.
35. INT. MOLLY’S BEDROOM – EARLY MORNING CONTINUOUS
Molly pulls her small, packed suitcase from under her bed. She ties her toe shoes to the handle. She climbs out onto the patio roof below and throws her suitcase to the ground. Molly hangs over the edge and drops to the ground. She picks up her suitcase and runs toward Mars’ house.
36. INT. KITCHEN – EARLY MORNING CONTINUOUS
Jane is at the kitchen window drinking a cup of coffee over the sink. She sees Molly.
37. EXT MARS’ HOUSE – EARLY MORNING CONTINUOUS
Molly runs up to Mars’ car in his driveway. Mars is putting his suitcase in the car. He grabs Molly’s and puts it in the trunk too. Mars wants to talk to Edgar before they leave, Molly makes an excuse and they drive off.
38. INT. KITCHEN – MORNING
Later, Ed enters the kitchen, grabs a mug and pours himself a cup of coffee. Jane is sitting at the kitchen table. Jane tries to prepare Edgar for what she’s going to say. She tells Edgar that Molly and Mars have left for NYC. She shows Edgar a schedule she found in Molly’s room. Edgar takes off after them.
39. INT. NYC BALLET THEATER – EVENING
(This NYC sequence will change. It will be a rehearsal space that Edgar infiltrates instead of a performance)
Ed enters the theater lobby with two police officers in tow. They try to run past the ropes but are stopped by an usher looking for tickets. Ed gets into the theater and sees Molly on stage for the first time. He is stunned! He cries. He calls off the police.
40. INT. THEATER LOBBY – NIGHT
After the show, Ed is in a corner of the busy lobby wiping his eyes with a handkerchief. April, Molly’s mom is there and approaches Edgar. They hug and he is surprised by her body brace from her back surgery. They discuss Molly and April asks if she can come live with them now that she cannot dance. Edgar in a moment of weakness says he’ll think about it.
41. INT ED’S BEDROOM – NIGHT CONTINUOUS
Edgar asks Jane to cut off his hair. Jane cuts off his ponytail and shaves his beard. A rare moment of tenderness between the two.
42. EXT. PATIO BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – DAY
Molly and Mars drive up to Big Ed’s just back from NYC. Mars says he wants to tell Edgar what a sensation Molly was, but Molly reveals that he didn’t say she could go. Mars is furious as an ambulance approached and stops in front of the restaurant. Molly goes inside.
43. INT. PATIO BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – DAY
The EMTs come down the stairs and go outside. Molly climbs the stairs and sees Edgar on the landing with tears streaming down his face. He points Molly into Jane’s room where she sees Jane has died. In grief, Edgar reveals that he is Molly’s father.
44. EXT. CHURCH GRAVEYARD – DAY
Edgar and Molly are standing near the grave holding hands. April approaches from behind. Molly is still angry at April for abandoning her. April reveals her surgery and this only makes Molly angrier for keeping her in the dark. Molly runs off. April asks again if she can come stay with them. Edgar says he and Molly need to talk.
45. INT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – DAY
Molly and Ed have a big talk about her running off to NYC. Ed apologizes for not seeing that she was an incredible dancer and deserved to follow her dream. Molly apologizes for giving him a hard time and promises to be agreeable from now on. They discuss whether they would be able to forgive April and let her come to stay with them over the restaurant now that Jane is gone.
46. INT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – NIGHT
(I have changes planned for this scene)
April shows up at the restaurant after closing time. April approaches to give Ed a hug. Ed puts up his hand to stop her. Molly sneaks down the stairs unseen and sits on them to listen. Edgar says there are conditions. She has to be sure that she won’t leave them again…that she really wants this. And she has to make amends to Molly. Molly and April talk. April promises to not leave her again.
47. EXT. MARS’ DRIVEWAY – DAY
It is a month later. Mars, Molly, and Chessie are in Mars’ driveway. His car is packed to the brim. Edgar thanks Mars for taking care of Molly. Mars tells Molly she’s welcome to come to NY to see him and he gives her his information. Molly and Mars say their goodbyes expressing how they helped each other. Mars drives off.
48. INT. ED’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
(This scene may be removed or changed)
April has taken over Jane’s job of administering Edgar’s meds. Afterward, they kiss.
49. INT/EXT. SHED BEHIND RESTAURANT – DAY
April and Ed fixed up and decorated an extra-large shed for Molly. A sign over the door reads, Studio by the Bay. Molly teaches ballet to 3 small girls. April brings them water. Tammy from Molly’s school arrives and asks Molly if she can teach her how to dance for the Sadie Hawkins dance because she wants to ask a boy. Molly says yes and is happy to have made a friend.
50. INT. STUDIO BY THE BAY – EVENING
Molly is dancing around the studio. Tammy arrives and watches her for a minute and is very impressed. Molly tries to teach Tammy how to dance to modern tunes.
51. INT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – KITCHEN – MORNING
April and Molly are working in the kitchen. They discuss how they miss traveling and especially performing in front of an audience.
52. INT. ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Edgar asks April if Molly is as good as he thinks, and she says yes. Molly comes downstairs and leaves her phone on the table while she goes into the kitchen. Edgar gets Mars’ information from her phone and puts it in his phone.
53. EXT. PATIO ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – DAY
It’s a month later. The restaurant is closed today. Edgar, Molly, Chessie, and April are all out on the patio. April had her brace removed. Edgar and April present Molly with a new pair of toe shoes. She is so surprised and thrilled. Then they tell her that they contacted Mars in NY, and he pulled some strings to get her into the NYC Ballet school. Molly puts on her toe shoes and dances on the beach.
THE END
-
Bob Kerr Story Beats
What I have learned?
The story beats helps me identify where the story breaks down and in particular where I have too much detail telling the story that actually slows it down.
LOGLINE: Fran King must overcome all her fears and doubts to find a future for her daughter despite being emotionally held hostage by her father. Ultimately she joins a fledgling women’s crew and finds both her voice and the capacity to be an inspirational leader while lead her crew in building a legacy of winning.
1. EXT – Kansas Home – Day
Fran King is filling her car with everything that will fit. She hugs her 3 year old daughter and they leave.
2. INT. – Mike Vespoli’s east coast apartment – afternoon
Vespoli receives a phone call offering him the job has Executive Director of the Wichita Rowing Association. The only catch, he must come up with all the boats and equipment and coach women as well as men. Vespoli agrees.
3. EXT. Fran’s family farm – early evening.
Fran arrives and tells her poppa and momma she has no where else to turn as she is getting a divorce. Poppa agrees to support Fran and her daughter as long as she returns to her music and his house , his rules. Fran accepts.
4. EXT. Farmhouse – afternoon
Fran is smoking and eagerly awaiting acceptance to Wichita State. Still hasn’t come.
5. INT. – Farmhouse kitchen – afternoon
Several days later, Fran receives the acceptance letter with a work study award. Runs to the barn to tell Poppa
6. INT. – Barn – afternoon
Fran shows her acceptance letter to Poppa. He congratulates her and reminds her she agreed to focus on her music.
7. EXT. – WSU Campus – Day
Tim Wiggins and his brother meet with University President to get his approval of a WSU Crew. President is interested by informs them because of Title IX they must offer women’s crew as well.
8. EXT. – WSU Athletic Office – morning
Fran arrives and is afraid of what she might have to do. She has no background in sports.
9. EXT. – Rotsee Roweing Venue – Day
Actual footage, to be abbreviated, showing Mike Vespoli and crew winning the 1974 World Championship.
10. INT. – Student Union – evening
First intro session of rowing to interested students. There are not enough women.
11. INT. – Farmhouse Kitchen – Night
Fran is struggling to keep up with college. Fearful of joining a study group because of potential distractions. Poppa tells her she must do what she must do to graduate.
12. INT. – WSU Boat House – Day
Vespoli meets the first group of women for practice. There are not enough.
13. INT. – Sorority House – afternoon
Vespoli pitches joining the rowing crew. The women don’t understand the basic terminology. Vespoli’s plan is failing.
End of Act One
14. INT. – Fran brings home a 93 on a math test. Poppa is not satisfied and comes down hard on Fran.
15. INT. – WSU Athletic Office – Day
Vespoli meets Fran. Desperate he tries to recruit her. She says no because she is a 2 pack a day smoker. Vespoli says he can cure that habit.
16. INT. – WSU Dorm – Morning
Gary West, a member of the crew, is posting a crew recruitment flyer. Colette Criger introduces herself. Gary invites her to go out for crew. Colette is more interested in Gary than rowing.
17. INT – Wiggins Living Room -Evening
Vespoli meets with Tim for an update on the crew. Vespoli shares they are having trouble keeping a full women’s boat. Tim tells him that has to change.
18. EXT. – WSU Boat house – Afternoon
Another woman quits. The women who are staying try to convince her to stay. She refuses.
19. INT. – Dorm cafeteria – Evening
Colette tells Gary they lost another one. Gary tells her it is all about trust and to trust the process.
20. INT. – Farmhouse Kitchen – Evening
Fran complains about Vespoli constantly pestering her to go out for rowing. Poppa and Momma have questions about Vespoli. Fran tells them he is a world champion. Poppa changes his mind and encourages her to go out. Fran says she can’t even swim.
21. EXT. – WSU Boathouse – afternoon
Fran shows up full of fear. Vespoli calms her down
22. INT. – Farmhouse Kitchen – Morning
Fran is in great pain. Poppa and Momma want to know if she is going to quit. Poppa tells her he believes you must finish what you start.
23. INT. – WSU meeting room – night
Vespoli meets with crew and newcomers. Tells them they need more people. Fran shares with Gary and Colette she hopes the men are not thinking just of recruiting men.
24. INT. – WSU Arena – afternoon
Vespoli introduces crew to winter conditioning. They have to be weighed. Fran refuses to be weighed.
25. INT. – Family Kitchen – Afternoon
Fran announces she is changing majors from music to business. Poppa goes nuts when he hears this and refuses to talk to Fran any more.
26. INT. – Wiggins Living Room – Night
Vespoli tells Wiggins he is taking a part-time teaching job for the winter. He needs human interaction.
27. EXT. – Parking Lot – afternoon
Fran has trouble starting her car because her legs are trembling from the brutal workout.
28. INT. – Student Union – evening
Vespoli explains the details for the spring training trip. The woman are concerned as one woman is injured and out and another woman has dropped out of school.
29. INT. – Farmhouse kitchen – evening
Fran comes home forgetting to pick up her daughter at day care.
30. INT. – Student Union Food Court – afternoon
The women meet. Colette is definitely out with an injury and another woman needs to work during spring break. They are in serious risk of collapsing as a crew and sinking the whole program.
31. INT. – WSU Crew Office – Afternoon
Fran tells Vespoli about the injury. Vespoli tells Fran there will be a new woman at practice tomorrow. Fran hides the rest of the problems from Vespoli.
32. INT. – Farmhouse Kitchen – evening
Poppa comes in and sees Momma and his granddaughter dancing. He joins in. Momma wants to know where is all this love with his daughter. Poppa tells her it is different. Fran betrayed him.
33. INT. – Farmhouse Kitchen – moments later
Fran arrives and is very discouraged about everything. Momma reminds her why she is doing this – for her daughter.
34. EXT. – River – afternoon
The new woman, Nora, is nervous about her first on the water practice. The rest of the women reassure her. Their practice sucks.
35. INT. – WSU Athletic Office – Day
Vespoli wants to make a change. Fran is scared he’s found out about the problems on the women’s side. Vespoli wants Fran to be stroke. Fran is fearful because of the rejection of the crew.
END ACT TWO
36. EXT. – RIVER – afternoon –
Vespoli informs the women he is changing things and that Fran is sitting stroke. The women aren’t happy about it. Fran sucks at stroke during practice.
37. INT. – FARMHOUSE – Night
Fran is practicing on her instrument to remember how to pay attention to rhytm. Poppa overhears her playing. He is convinced she has changed her mind and is now back to music.
38. EXT. – River – afternoon
Fran shows improvement at stroke. Women joke but are appreciative of the improvement.
39. EXT – WSU Boathouse – afternoon
Vespoli asks Fran to embrace the additional responsibilities of being a leader and watching the women off water at spring training.
40. INT. – WSU meeting Room – night
Fran tells women what they must do so that Brenda, the student who has dropped out of school, can continue to go with them to spring training in Austin, Texas.
41. EXT. _ WSU Boathouse – Morning
Bus to Austin leaves on time and stranding Gary, who is late. Colette drives following the bus and forces the bus to stop so Gary can get aboard. Women make fun of Gary has he drops a suitcase of roller skates instead of clothes.
42. EXT., – Austin Dorm – evening
Bus arrives and the cars that drove independently arrive. 2 guys try to hide 2 cases of beer they brought with them. Vespoli catches them, confiscates the beer and chews them out.
43. – INT. – Dorm office – night
Vespoli challenges Fran to dig deep and find joy in her rowing. Explains it is essential to be a winner.
44. EXT. – River – afternoon
Women earn a night off for the whole crew with performance on the water. First night they can drink alcohol.
45. INT. – Dorm – night.
Fran learns her divorce is final and she is now a free woman.
46. Dorm – Night.
Three men come back after curfew and are drunk. Vespoli kicks them off the crew and makes them return to Wichita.
47. EXT. – Hippy Hollow – Afternoon
Women are rowing and see a couple having sex on a boulder. The banter is definitely breaking up the routine of practice and providing an interesting diversion.
48. INT. Farmhouse Kitchen Table – night
Fran returns home and declares they now have a solid women’s crew.
49. EXT. WSU Boathouse – afternoon
Woman are doing their stretches when the manager shows up with their betting shirts. Tells them they better not lose in the regatta and lose their betting shirts.
50. INT. Farmhouse kitchen – evening
Fran confronts Poppa and tells him she wants him to bring everybody to the regatta on Saturday. He agrees on one condition, if she loses, she quits rowing and everything goes back to his house, his rules. Fran agrees.
51. EXT. – WSU Docks – afternoon
The women are overwhelmed with the size and athletic appearance of the women they will row against.
52. – EXT. – River – afternoon
The race starts and Fran is ejected from the boat and is flailing to get back into it. They must row harder, faster and longer than they ever have in order to win. They win.
53. – EXT – bridge – afternoon
Fran finds her family and reconciles with her Poppa.
Beats deleted after separating out:
Scenes 4,14, 24 and 32.
-
Lesson 3a and b – Elevate by Beats
Trish’s Basic Structure Version
What I’ve learned from doing this assignment is that weaving three disparate yet similar lives together onto a whole narrative is difficult. I kept getting lost among the beats during creation, but doing it was enlightening as far as structure, progression, idea generation, scene and word realignmen, more etc …awesome. still have more work to do.
Logline: The captivating and complex story of 11th Century royalty in 3 countries and the ongoing battles and betrayals that lead to the ultimate emergence of King William of England. (Most credit goes to Bob for this logline).
EXT: FOREST IN NORWAY – NIGHT
1. King of Norway, Olaf Tyggerson and his men ride silently through a dark and foggy forest to meet Kálfr Arnonson at his instigation, at a small Norwegian church. Meeting to discuss Kalfr’s disgruntalment with King Olaf’s policies. (Added to scene, realligned)
2. Olaf, suspicious, catches a glimpse of a man on a horse, sends his men to surround Kalfr’s silently. Meets Kalfr inside calling peace in company with a few of his warriors. (add info, realign)
2. INT: NORWEGIAN STAVE CHURCH –
NIGHT3. Kálfr Árnason raves against Olaf’s taxes, huge army -over 500 men; cost to feed them. Gives the signal to attack to ambush Olaf but finds out his men, outside and then inside are surrounded by Olaf’s men. Olaf shows mercy but Kálfr Árnonson is angry and bitter. Olaf leaves. (elaborated and added info)
4. Harold Godwinson, (born c. 1020—Parents: father is Godwine, Earl of Wessex and Kent; Mother, Gytha powerful noble Danish family related to Canute. He is 10 yrs old at time of Sticklestad.
5. William Born: September 1028 at Falaise, Normandy. Parents: Robert I, Duke of Normandy, and Arlette daughter of Fulbert (Will is illegitimate son). He is 2 yrs old at time of Sticklestad.
6. Kálfr Árnason sends emissaries to King Canute to be King of Norway. King Canute sends an army to the field of Sticklestad
EXT: STICKLSTAD, NORWAY – NIGHT
7. Olaf, Rongvald, Thoresson, Dalgr, Harald-15 years old, and other close friends and leaders meet to discuss strategy and position. Olaf tells Harald to stay behind him. (added info)
EXT: STICKLSTAD BEACH – DAWN
8. The army challenges King Olaf and his men on the Sticklestad Field, north of Trondheim. Kálfr Árnason’s men join King Canute’s warriors, 40,000 warriors total, and go to battle King Olaf’s forces, 10,000 warriors.
9. Olaf and his men, as well as the enemy armies, know it’s hopeless but face it courageously. Kalfr, a betrayer mocks King Olaf. In heavy fighting, Olaf is stabbed many times and many of his warriors are viciously killed. His young half- brother Harald, who is close behind Olaf, is badly wounded and near death. Leaving the raging carnage behind. some warriors rush to save Harald. They escape on foot into the mountains on the border of Sweden to hide. (rearranged)
EXT: WESSEX – ENGLAND – DAY
10. Harold of Wessex hears about the battle, as his father, Godwine speaks with returning warriors. Harold is 10 years old in 1030 and already busy learning to be a diplomat and warrior. (info added)
INT: NORMANDY – COURTYARD – DAY
11. Robert, Duke of Normandy, stands outside on cobblestone entryway, holding his two year old son, William, in 1030. Robert receives his spies who report to him the results of the Battle of Sticklestad. (elaborated)
EXT – MOUNTAINS – DEEP NIGHT
12. For months Harald and his men hide in the mountains to recuperate in a rustic cabin, avoiding discovery by Canute’s and Kalfr’s army. Harald is near death. An experienced warrior tends his wounds. Harald survives.
INT: BEDROOM – NIGHT
13. While Harold heals slowly, once the fevers stop, he thinks “What now?” He realizes he can’t go home. Is his family even alive? His desire, as a Viking, if he lives… he feels the burning need for revenge, as will his men. The need to recapture the kingship also hardens into resolve. (additions, new info)
INT: CABIN – DAY
14. As Harald heals, he and his men continue to hide in the mountains. They determine to make speed over the mountains and down into Sweden, to the river at______. Thorensson will already buy enough boats for 500 men to travel to Rus, to Harald’s relatives at King Yaroslav’s palace for safety.(new info, strategy)
15. Ext: MONTAGE OF TRAVEL TO KIEV
Loading boats-very busy warfare
Sailing upriver to port.
Landing and hauling boats overland ( new oinfo)EXT: WIDE THOROUGH FARE – DAY
16. Harald and his men ride into Rus to the palace. A great disturbance. Met by Varingian Guards and surrounded. Settled into quarters. (new info)
INT: LARGE CELABRATORY ROOM – NIGHT
17. Harald, 17 years old, meets Elisev, King Yaroslav’s 15 years old daughter at dinner. Yaroslav and Elisev talk about how well her brothers have married. Yaroslav talks about his enemies. Harald tells him about the Battle of Sticklstad and Olaf’s death. (add info, reallignment).
INT: LARGE MEETING ROOM – DAY
18. Yarislov puts Harald in charge of his troops as captain, with Rongvald, Thorasson, and Dalkr as his lieutenants. Harald is fiercely angry. He impresses Yarislov by winning some important battles, as he refines abilities, and creativity. (new info)
19. Battle of _____ ( new info)
20. Battle of _____. (new info)
EXT: PALACE GARDEN – DAY
21. Harald proposes to Elisev. She rejects him: “I’m a princess, you are not even a king. Look at my siblings. All of them well married into royalty. I can do no less. To do otherwise would shame myself and my family.” (new info)
EXT: KING EDWARD’S GARDENS – DAY
22. In 1034, Godwine, Earl of Wessex and father to Harold , who is now 14, walks with his son discussing matters regarding King Edward in the gardens, where no other ears can hear. (added info)
23. William is 6 yrs old, both he and his father (behind his back by children…to father’s face by adults) are mocked and tormented by legitimate children and adults. William must fight to even stay alive. He is knocked down, tripped, thrown rocks at etc.( added info)
NORMANDY – BANQUET HALL – NIGHT
24. In 1035 , Will sees his father die from poison at the dinner table. Uncle guards him.
INT: NORMANDY – CASTLE — DAY
25. In 1037 Will becomes Duke of Normandy – age 9.
EXT: PALACE GATE – MORNING
26. 1034 – Harald, age 19, and his men leave for Constantinople.
EXT: ARMY MARCHES INTO.
CONSTANTINOPLE27. In town, they are housed etc
INT: EMPEROR’S RECEPTION ROOM
28. Harold has audience with Emperor Michael IV at palace. He and his army become part of the Varingian Guards, who protect Emperor Michael IV of the Byzantine empire. Harald quickly becomes a captain. He leads them into battle many times and they all become rich. (new info, realligned)
EXT: MONTAGE OF BATTLES
29. Battle of_______ (new info)
30. Battle of________ (new info)
31. Battle of________ (new info)EXT: ENGLAND -KENT ESTATE – DAY
32. In 1034, Harold of England is 14. As the son of an Earl in service to the King, he learns to manage the earldom, work with his father on the estate, and the king’s business, play politics and diplomatics, form alliances, King Edward the Confessor business etc. new info?
EXT: WALES – BATTLE – DAY
33. In 10__ , battles the Welsh. He becomes wealthy and powerful, and known as a great warrior.
INT: KING HENRI 1ST’ CASTLE- NIGHT
34. William, in 1043, is still the only heir of his father. At 15, French King Henry 1 knights Will. He battles many of his neighbors and enemies and becomes known as a mighty, clever warrior.
INT: EMPEROR MICHAEL’S RECEIVING ROOM – NIGHT
35. Michal meets Harald and sends his friends, and army to fight against Michael IV’s enemies. Harald’s strategies, smarts, win many battles and they all get rich through the Byzantine practice of polutasvarf (loosely translated as “palace-plunder”),[53] a term which implies the pillaging of the palace exchequer on the death of the empeor (3times). “Aren’t we rich enough yet, Harry?” The men grouse about going home. Harold to finally agrees to go home. Plans to go to Jerusalem before going home. Everyone to be baptized before they all go home. (new info) (2 b cleaned for dlialogue).
EXT: CAMP – DUSK
36. On the way to Jerusalem two planted betrayers of Kálfr Árnason attempt to murder Harald. They mortally wound Harald’s friend Rognavald, Dalkr, some warriors, and are mortally wounded in return. “Who told you to kill us!? “Harald screams and then kneels by his close friend Rognavald who gives advice and instructions about his burial pyre. What to take home to his family and tells Harald to go home. Harald promises to go and take special care of Kálfr Árnason. (rearrange, new info)
EXT: CAMP CENTER WITH FIRE – NIGHT
37. He tortures one of the least dead. traitors. “Who betrayed us you filthy traitor!” He gasps… “King Canute…try again!” as Harold holds a knife against his throat. “Kálfr! Kálfr Árnason…” “You are a dead man. Clear your soul!” They kill the traitor and throw his carcasse outside the camp.
EXT: FUNERAL PYRE – NIGHT
38. They burn Rognavald and Dalkr in a Viking funeral pyre. As the fire burns, “When the fire is gone, gather some of their ashes. Then, let’s go to the Jordan River and release Rognavald and Dalkr into the river. Then we’ll all go home.” Harald clasps Thorasson’s shoulder. “Friend, as I promised.” ( new info, realligned)
EXT: THEY TRAVEL TO JERUSALEM – DAY
39. Driven by deep anger and hard cold revenge, Harald and his remaining friends and men, get baptized in the Jordan River. They cast Rognavald’s and Dalkr’s ashes into the river. (new info)
INT: CASTLE –
40. In 1043, French King Henry knights William at age 15 in ________.
EXT: INTO CONSTANTINOPLE – DAY
43. Return to Constantinople, where a suspicious new Emperor, Michael V, imprisons them and plans to kill them.
INT: DARK, DANK BUILDING – NIGHT
44. Arguments erupt, fear and anxiety among the troops. Escape by help of a slave girl secretly in love with Thorasson releases them and they escape, in1043. (nee info)
45. They all then go to Kievan Rus where Harald – now a very rich man and mighty warrior – proposes again to Elisiv who accepts.
INT: HAGIA SOPHIA -DAY
46. Huge pomp /huge wedding ceremony.
EXT: ROAD OUT OF CONSTANTINOPLE
Harold and troops begin their return to Norway to become King. Harald, Elisev, Thorasson, close warriors, and the army with followers, including the slave girl, march out of the castle gate, an impressive entourage.
END OF PART 1
(need to fill in blanks)
-
Would like to partner for FB)
-
Anyone up for Feed Back?
-
Lived in England, been to Normandy, like historical movies. Email me at pat@pbpencraft for my brief feedback. I have not yet posted my beats here. Patricia Brown
-
-
Patricia. Just saw your nsg for feedback
Will email you. Do you want fb on 3 or 4 or both or…? Let ne know at trish94c183@gmail.com
Log in to reply.