-
Lesson 11
Reply to post your assignment.
-
2 Replies
-
What I learned doing this assignment is that query letters are more than us just telling someone else what were writing, it’s a sales job to a potential producer/manager/agent.
Jack Young’s Query Letter Draft ONE for “STREAM” and Draft TWO
OLD VERSION BEFORE CRITIQUE:
———————————————————————————
“Would you die to save your family and mankind?”
Title: STREAM
Written by Jackie Young
Genre: SciFi / Fantasy
I have bad news and bad news. 1) In less than 100 years the human race will become extinct. 2) You must die to stop it.
Michael Walker wants to be a good husband. This would be true except for the fact that he can’t seem to end an affair with a secretary at work and has just lost his job and family savings in an illegal inside-trader stock deal. Oh, and his business partner who supplied the insider trading info just flipped on him at the local FBI headquarters office. Any minute now, the FBI will show up with an arrest warrant for Michael.
As he tries to find his way through a minefield of personal and professional problems, a no-birth epidemic looms over everyone on the planet as his terrible migraines worsen. But as if things seem they can’t get any worse, he’ll soon discover that he may be mankind’s only hope to end the current no-birth epidemic.
Supernatural events lead him towards the Professor, a man that may have the answers to what is causing the epidemic and why Michael must die to stop it. Professor Darlington theorizes that an unusual energy stream in the astral plane is stealing all of the souls from our planet. Shunned by the scientific community as a lunatic, the Professor has put together a team and has developed a method to send a man into the energy stream.
There are two choices for Michael — die from brain cancer in less than 3 days…OR submit to having your heart stopped to save the world.
Oh, forgot to mention, the second option hurts like Hell.
BIO: I wrote, executive produced, and co-produced “Love Wine”, a romantic comedy, released on NetFlix. Additional credits include “The Darkening”, a suspense/horror film (2012) that I wrote, executive produced, produced, directed, and distributed, which had a limited theatrical release by Rave Cinema (Both Streaming on Amazon Prime Video, Tubi, Popsy on Plex, and Xumo). I am author of the screenwriting book, “How to Write a Screenplay in 3 Days: The Marathon Method” (Available on Amazon) I have authored over forty original screenplays in all genres. I am currently managed by Hakim Mularine of New York, NY. I worked on a paid rewrite of a screenplay adaptation of the book, “The Island Calls”.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the Pitch Bible and pilot episode.
CONTACT: Jackie Young, 1327 Drexel Street, Omaha, NE 68107, PH: 402-731-7037, EMAIL: jackyoung1981@cox.net
————————————————————————————-
CRITIQUE FROM MADELEINE:
Hi, Jack—
I’ve read over your query letter.
You’ve done a pretty good job, but I do have a few suggestions to make it better. Here they are:
– In paragraph #2, “he can’t seem to end an affair with a secretary at work,” corresponds to what you said in your TV Pitch Bible, but it doesn’t really show up that way in the pilot. The pilot shows that they already have broken up. There’s quite a bit of bitterness there. I suggest you revise the pilot to reflect what you say in the pitch bible and query letter or vice versa.
– At the end of paragraph #2, insert, “It’s no wonder his terrible migraines have worsened.
– In paragrqph #3, eliminate “as his terrible migraines worsen.”
– In paragraph #4, change “the Professor has put together a team and has developed a method” to this: “the Professor and his team have developed a method.”
– In paragraph #5, change “your heart” to “his heart”.
– In the BIO paragraph, eliminate the comma between “comedy” and “released.”
– In the Bio paragraph, insert a period after “Amazon)”.
– In the BIo paragraph, put “I am currently managed by Hakim Mularine of New York, NY.” at the end of the paragraph. This means you’ll need to group the screenplays you’ve written together. (No Action)
I hope what I’ve suggested makes some sense to you.
In any case, take what you like and toss the rest.
All the best,
Madeleine
———————————————————————————
NEW VERSION AFTER CRITIQUE:
“Would you die to save your family and mankind?”
Title: STREAM
Written by Jackie Young
Genre: SciFi / Fantasy
I have bad news and bad news. 1) In less than 100 years the human race will become extinct. 2) You must die to stop it.
Michael Walker wants to be a good husband. This would be true except for the fact that he just ended an affair with his secretary at work and has just lost his job and family savings in an illegal inside-trader stock deal. Oh, and his business partner who supplied the insider trading info just flipped on him at the local FBI headquarters office. Any minute now, the FBI will show up with an arrest warrant for Michael. It’s no wonder his terrible migraines have worsened
As he tries to find his way through a minefield of personal and professional problems, a no-birth epidemic looms over everyone on the planet. But as if things seem they can’t get any worse, he’ll soon discover that he may be mankind’s only hope to end the current no-birth epidemic.
Supernatural events lead him towards the Professor, a man that may have the answers to what is causing the epidemic and why Michael must die to stop it. Professor Darlington theorizes that an unusual energy stream in the astral plane is stealing all of the souls from our planet. Shunned by the scientific community as a lunatic. The Professor and his team have developed a method to send a man into the energy stream.
There are two choices for Michael — die from brain cancer in less than 3 days…OR submit to having his heart stopped to save the world.
Oh, forgot to mention, the second option hurts like Hell.
Comparisons: Think “Star Gate” meets “Flatliners”
BIO: I wrote, executive produced, and co-produced “Love Wine”, a romantic comedy released on NetFlix. Additional credits include “The Darkening”, a suspense/horror film (2012) that I wrote, executive produced, produced, directed, and distributed, which had a limited theatrical release by Rave Cinema. I have authored over forty original screenplays in all genres. I am currently managed by Hakim Mulraine of New York, NY and worked on a paid rewrite of a screenplay adaptation of the book, “The Island Calls”.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the Pitch Bible and pilot episode.
CONTACT: Jackie Young, 1327 Drexel Street, Omaha, NE 68107, PH: 402-731-7037, EMAIL: jackyoung1981@cox.net
————————————————————-
I have not been asked to review any other students query letter at this time.
-
Eric Humble’s Query Letter – Draft One
Title: SICK PEOPLE
Genre: Thriller
“Cure cancer? We’d lose billions!”
Jude discovered the cure for cancer 12 years ago… and hasn’t been allowed to speak of it since. It’s always been easier to accept another cushy promotion than push back against the Big Pharma company’s plan to hold off unveiling it until the “right time.” But when his wife is diagnosed with inoperable cancer, Jude becomes frantic to get it into production. That’s when he stumbles onto…
…The Conclave, a secret society who shape human history by suppressing cures.
Their next target is Dres, a homeless con artist who also happens to be 100 years older than she looks. Dres hails from a race of immortals whose DNA holds the key to curing all diseases. Jude needs her for his cure. The Conclave needs her killed. To keep her safe, Jude will have to infiltrate them… but the initiation rite is a fight to the death.
Can he become a killer to save millions?
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the pilot script and bible.
Sincerely,
Eric Humble
484-716-9700
BIO: Eric Humble has interviewed healthcare providers, National Institute of Health researchers, and drug trial administrators to create this series bible. His screenplays have placed in several contests.
Log in to reply.