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Lesson 16 – Exchange Feedback.
WHEN YOU POST YOUR OUTLINE
Subject line: (Your name’s) Outline Version 1 (or 2 or 3, etc.)
In the body of your post, include the following:
Title:
Logline:
Action Outline:
Your entire document should be about 3 to 6 pages long. You want to get to the essence of each part of the outline, not all of the details. If it is longer than 6 pages, take 30 minutes and bring it down so it is easy for your feedback partner to respond. Make this read short, to the point, and interesting. Doing that will improve the quality!
DO THE FEEDBACK IN ROUNDS
You will post your outline, then go to another writer’s post and propose that you two exchange feedback. Make the agreement. Exchange feedback. Then REWRITE your outline. Once you’ve completed that rewrite, post VERSION 2 for the next round.
So you are following this plan:
Post your outlineExchange feedbackREWRITE your outlineRepeat steps 1 – 3 until your outline shines.
Please don’t try to get feedback from multiple people without rewriting your outline. If you do it in the above order, you’ll be handing a better outline to the next person for feedback. Because of that, your outline improves and the feedback quality improves.
WHEN YOU GIVE FEEDBACK
Please be encouraging. Point out what works. If you see something that doesn’t work, provide useful ideas for improvement.
Please base your feedback upon the skills in the Skill Mastery Sheet. Do not go outside of this program’s skills.
Remember that this is an outline, so it is not supposed to include the details of a script, but instead to give us a clear picture of how the Action story progresses. If something was confusing, let the writer know the exact place it confused. Tell them the paragraph number and the specific thing that confused you. If you have a suggestion for how to improve it, let them know.
WHEN YOU RECEIVE FEEDBACK
Getting feedback gives you one person’s experience of reading your Action outline. The purpose is to find a way to improve your outline.
Look through the outline for comments that are useful.Only make the changes you agree will improve your outline.If any feedback doesn’t work for you, disregard it.
In general, use what will improve your outline; disregard everything else. Then move forward.
NOTE: If someone gives you abusive feedback, please report it.
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6 Replies
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Bob Rowen’s Outline Version 1
Title: The Whistleblower from Mendocino Bay
Logline: The Whistleblower from Mendocino Bay is an action drama about a nuclear control technician turned whistleblower who wants to keep people safe from the many and dangerous hazards of a nuclear power plant despite villainous efforts to silence him.
Action Outline:
Opening:
1. Prater (Hero) is introduced in access control of the nuclear facility on his way to Minus 66 for a dangerous job assignment under the reactor.
2. A nuclear accident occurs under the reactor [1<sup>st</sup> Action Scene]. Prater and another nuclear control technician, Ray Hastings, become grossly contaminated when reactor water and reactor crud rains down on them during the accident.
Inciting Incident:
3. During a meeting with Edgar (Villain) immediately following the opening scene, Prater locks horns with Edgar over what happened at Minus 66, a number of reoccurring unsafe working conditions at the nuclear facility, and the company’s attitude regarding needless and senseless radiation exposure [2<sup>nd</sup> Action Scene]. Edgar says “the contamination really isn’t a problem, it’s just a nuisance!” An angry Prater serves notice that he “did not hire on to commit suicide in order to collect a goddamn paycheck”.
4. Prater continues to be a threat to Edgar’s role of promoting and protecting a failed and dangerous technology in order for the Far-West Gas and Electric Company to “go-nuclear” all along the California coastline.
First Turning Point at end of Act 1
1. Extremely radioactive “mysterious” particles are found flying around outside the plant’s radiation controlled area. After discovering the company’s removal of the most important element of the radiological monitoring system at the South Bay Elementary School downwind from the nuclear facility, Prater confronts Edgar and all hell breaks loose! [3<sup>rd</sup> Action Scene]
2. Edgar denies Prater access to an AEC compliance inspector
who was in the plant and then threatens Prater if he goes to the AEC on his own.
3. Prater is forced off the road and crashes on his way to meet with a Wall Street Journal reporter. [4<sup>th</sup> Action Scene] An injured Prater escapes and his documentation disappears.
4. In consultation with his wife, Kathryn, Prater must choose between a lucrative career and doing the right thing; that is, pursuing what he sees as a “moral imperative”. Prater, along with another control technician, Forrest Williams, decide to cause a ruckus at a required monthly company safety meeting in order to publicly address management’s illegal and immoral conduct. [5<sup>th</sup> Action Scene]
5. There is a barroom fight between Prater’s small group of supporters and a large number of Edgar’s company men who view Prater as a troublemaker and a threat to their livelihoods. [6<sup>th</sup> Action Scene]
Second Turning Point at end of Act 2
6. Edgar very publicly engages Prater in the control room.
7. The verbal altercation between Edgar and Prater turns physical and Prater is fired for striking his superior. [7<sup>th </sup>Action Scene]
Crisis/Dilemma
8. Prater is shown a false confidential police report sent to the FBI that would enable him to prove the company conspired to make him a national security risk. In order to clear his record, Prater would have to reveal his source but promised he wouldn’t.
9. Prater befriends a University professor, Dr. Kasun, who suggests he must go public as quickly and in as many difference ways as possible in order to protect himself and his family. Dr. Kasun suggests he appeal the decision that he was “terminated with cause” in order to require Edgar and others to testify under oath.
Climax
10. The two-day Hearing before the California Unemployment
Appeals Board provides Prater an opportunity to obtain
transcripts of the Edgar’s, et al., testimonies.
11. Prater wins his case and uses the transcripts of the
Hearings to write his book My Mendocino Bay Diary: A true
story of betrayal of the public trust.
Resolution
TWELVE YEARS LATER
12. At one of his author events and book signings, Prater is asked, “Whatever happened to Edgar Skaggs? Prater responds, “I have no idea”, as if he could care less!
13. However, another person in the audience says, “I know what happened to him. He developed terminal cancer and committed suicide.”
14. Then another person blurts out, “Ray Hastings and Warren Hanson also died of cancer”.
15. Still another person says, “I’ve buried a lot of my classmates at South Bay Elementary School”.
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Beth Zurkowski outline lesson 16
Title: jiu-jitsu Wild West
Logline: A forbidden relationship peaks a battle in the year of WWI in a small town.
Action Outline:
I changed the present day to 1910 historic times with horse buggy and automobiles.
1. Opening: We see two in a forbidden relationship. Naya announces she’s pregnant to Darsh, her boyfriend. They find out neighbor is a doctor while push mowing the lawn. Darsh has a bloated tick on his scalp and the doctor over-hears their concern. Velda and her husband help them remove the insect.
(A-1)Naya’s father tells her she is promised to an older man in an arraigned marriage. Naya argues she won’t marry him that she loves someone else.(A-2)(V-1) Older man almost forces his way on her but finds out she’s already pregnant. Father said she was a virgin.
(M-1)Naya and Darsh decide to elope.(V-2)(A-3) But Naya gets into fight with father, mother and two older brothers. It’s an honor killing.
(M-2)(A-4)Naya is left for dead, but she crawls to the neighbors house for help and safety.(M-3)(A-5) Velda and her doctor husband help her, but she loses the baby.
2.Inciting incident:(A-6) Velda is debating helping Naya and her boyfriend, Darsh.(V-3) Meanwhile, Naya’s family noticed her body was not on the garage floor and went out looking for her.
3.First Turning Point at end of Act 1:(M-4)(A-7) Flash back on Velda’s military career as a nurse in the army and we show she is cautious in helping because she was raped while overseas.(M-5) Velda soon excepts the challenge.(A-8) Int. Velda’s house-top floor-continuous…
Velda finds Naya and Darsh in the guest room.
Velda: We have to leave this place. It’s not safe anymore.
Naya: W…where?–
Velda: –Sheriff’s office.
Int./ Ext. Velda’s house- hallway- stairs- door- continuous…
They rush out the door with whatever they have.
Click! Boom!
Ext. house-night
The house explodes knocking them to the ground.
Velda looks back. The house is now on fire.
Velda: Good thing Mike was at the hospital.
They get up and brush themselves off. And hurry away from the former house. Chase scene. Velda has Naya and Darsh get into her car as they proceed to the police station to get to a safe house. Then Naya spots her brother’s car following them. Anxiety Velda tries to lose him as she bites her nails. She begins to sweat as Naya’s brother gets more aggressive by trying to smash into Velda’s car into a bridge buttress in the median on the highway. Velda’s car is wedged in. Fear Brother starts shooting them. Velda backs out and manages to get away from him as she travels down the highway. She asks if anyone is injured as she looks wildly around for brother to see if he’s still on her tail. Relief At her fast speed a cop car pulls her over and Brother’s car drives past. Velda, Naya and Darsh breath out in relief.
· (A-10)(M-6) Velda fights Naya’s relatives and wins. Set up: Plan: get Naya out of Velda”s house because it’s not safe. After they leave there is a huge explosion and it knocks them down. Naya and Velda are in an argument.
· At the rendezvous with sheriff; Naya’s relatives show up.
· Pre-Action: Velda fights Naya’s relatives to distract them from Naya and Darshes escape with the aid of the sheriff.
· Action: The fight scene
· anxiety Velda hears footsteps behind them. She looks behind herself but it’s dark and she doesn’t see anything.
· Fear The footsteps are faster.
· relief Velda sees a kid chasing a ball behind her. Relief washes over her.
· surprise It’s Naya’s brother’s footsteps.
· shock They have guns.
· suspense Velda and Naya make a run for it.
· danger More of Naya’s family members close in.
· excitement The Brazilian dance ensues. Velda finds resources in a sword shop. She wields a sword and sheild.
· adrenaline. The family captures Naya then Velda stops them from taking her.
Post-Action: After winning the fight
Velda and Naya get away.(A-9)(M-5) Velda works with police and gets Naya and Darsh to safety.
4.Mid-Point:(A-11) (V-4)Father gets away and puts a bounty on Velda’s head at son’s gym. (A-12)(V-5) He hires street fighters from the gym to take on Velda. Danger: Velda is followed by two suspicious men into the antique three story mall. She notices they are carrying guns in shoulder holsters. Excitement: She runs deep into the shop making a huge mess behind herself. The two men split up and go after her. The stairs and elevator are used. Then they have her cornered and right away she kicks the guns out of their hands. Martial arts are used by the three of them. More antiques get broken. Finally the men capture her and remove her from the mall.
Velda is taken back to Naya’s father and she is put in a chair and tied up and asked where Naya is. But Velda won’t talk. Father starts to pull her fingernails out. She still won’t talk and is moved to a room. She tries to escape out the window but it won’t break or open. She tests the door. It’s locked. Adrenaline: Velda notices the walls are made out of lath and plaster so she uses her fists and punches her way through and makes her escape.
(V-6)(A-13) She gets captured, tortured and escapes. (A-14)
(5.Second Turning Point: at end of Act 2 (M-7) Velda stops at a MMA and talks to the sword fighters there.
6.Crisis: (V-8) Surprise: Father follows Naya to her new house in another state and finds Naya in a grocery store and captures her holding her hostage.(V-9)Shock: After ransacking Naya’s house he finds Velda’s phone number and he lets Velda know he has Naya and she is his hostage and Naya’s death is on her hands. Suspense: (M-8) Velda searches for Naya’s family can she find Naya in time?
Father finds Naya and holds her hostage.(V-9) He lets Velda know Naya’s death is on Velda’s hands. (M-8) Velda searches for Nata’s family.
7.Climax: (A-15) (M-9)Velda tries to take on every family member and street fighter.(A-16)(M-10) But just when she’s about to collapse from exhaustion the MMA fighters find her and help her out.(A-17)(M-11) She gets up her final reserves and fights on. (A-18) (M-12) Velda wins and gets Naya back.(A-19)(M-13) Velda chops off the father’s head with a sword.
8.Resolution: (M-14)Velda and her husband are invited to Naya’s and Darsh’s wedding. Naya carries a brand new baby.
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I’m going to be out today(Saturday) So I’m going to be away from my computer. I will be back on Sunday. So Bob Rowen if you want we can exchange outlines.
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Sounds good!
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Hi Beth,
I have reviewed your outline. (Be sure to label it VERSION 1)
I see an intriguing story in your outline. The character intros were a little confusing at first but I figured them out, I think.
The concept of the story is the struggle between a father who has arranged a marriage (with an older man) for his daughter, Naya, who is very much in love with someone else.
The HERO is VELDA, a former army nurse who is married to a doctor named Mike. Velda comes to the aid of the Naya.
The VILLAIN(s) is Naya’s father (and the rest of her family).
Suggestions:
(1) Perhaps a bit more character descriptions in Act 1, especially for Velda and Naya’s father.
(2) After the huge explosion, why were Naya and Velda in an argument?
(3) Clarification of “It’s an honor killing” in Act 1 (who, etc.) since Naya’s father had his head “chopped off” in Act 3.
(4) Clarification: “MMA fighters”, who are they and why did they come to Naya’s aid?
You’ve got a great story in the making, keep writing.
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Frances Williams Outline Version 1
Title The Prime Minister’s Daughter
Logline: The Prime Minister’s Daughter is an Action drama about the kidnapping of a Foreign Dignatary’s daughter
Opening
1. Akexi is an ex – spy and Assassin and her daughter are sitting on a subway platform waiting for the train to arrive, when two men in masks approach them and demand her to hand over her daughter
2. She fights back fists to fist using Ku- fun, until guns are drawn and she is forced to hand her over to them.
Inciting Incident
3. Alexis wakes up in a Hospital surrounded by armed Assassin’s attempting to suffocate her, she breaks free fighting back, she manages to take the gun from one of the gunmen, and shoots and kill him then escaping down the corridor disappearing around the corner
First Turning Poin
Alexi is asleep in her apartment, when she hears glass breaking down the stairs, she goes to investigate and she is ambushed by three masked men.
Crisis
Alexis is at Home when a team of Assassin’s burst into her apartment surrounding her, she fires four shots in the air, killing one of the men instantly, before making her way to the Roof escaping down the fire escape
Resolution
Alexi tracks the Assassin’s to a safe house, where she sees the daughter bound and gaged, gasping for air she fights hand to hand grabbing one of the men by the arm and twisting it behind his back, before shoving his face into the wall, ripping it back and stabbing him in the throat.
She unties the daughter and escapes with her on a small boat that was tied to the docks.
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