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Lesson 11
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40 Replies
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PETER SALTTZMAN’S QUERY LETTER DRAFT ONE
NOTE: Please feel free to email me (below) if you’d like to exchange critiques.
TITLE: The Bubble
Genre: One-Hour Sci-Fi/Comedy
The universe is about to end. Now what?
Granted, our cosmos consists of a single grocery store—Eatam’s, “the store with everything and more!” But Eatam’s parking lot is experiencing frequent extreme weather events; inside, merchandise and people are losing solidity.
At the center of the store is The Piano Bar from Hell, where Jackie Diamond goes out of his way to NOT entertain customers. But he and his music might be the key to saving the dying universe.
The piano bar is the only place unaffected by the unfolding catastrophe, and Jackie believes his music somehow shields him and his domain. But radical cleaning lady Alice Brady is convinced that Jackie’s fawning patron, store owner Go D, protects him for some nefarious purpose—while letting everyone else fade into non-existence.
But when Ruby Red, Jackie’s ex and the piano bar’s star singer, begins to lose tangibility, Jackie must decide: does he risk using his privileged position to help the inhabitants of Eatam’s escape oblivion? If he does, where will they go? If he doesn’t, where will HE go?
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SERIES ENGINE: Alice, the leader of Eatam’s worker’s union, discovers several clues about their dying world while Jackie races against time to create an escape plan before it vanishes forever.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the pilot script.
Peter Saltzman
BIO: I’m an award-winning composer and pianist whose works have been published and played around the globe. An earlier version of “The Bubble” was a semi-finalist in a ScreenCraft TV pilot competition.
Email: petersaltzman@gmail.com
Phone:xxx-
This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by Peter Saltzman.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by Peter Saltzman.
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Hi Peter,
This was fun to analyze. I included my spontaneous thoughts and then pull it together with a potential way to jump into your rewrite at the end. All of these items are just one reader’s reactions for you to consider. I am definitely interested to read the pilot already from what you have written. My suggestions are just possibilities for narrowing the focus to a sharp point on the hooks.
THE BUBBLE — I’m wondering if the title should be related to the name of the grocery store? Or is the piano lounge called The Bubble?
Great first hook!
I stumbled on “our cosmos” in the next sentence. My brain went, “Our cosmos? or the cosmos of this story?” Perhaps clarify with:
Granted, the entire cosmos of THE BUBBLE consists of Eatam’s Grocery Store, “the store with everything and more!”… etc.
“goes out of his way to NOT entertain customers” quickly brings up several images for me as to the potential comedy of an “untertainer”. Very good.
Alice Brady, I took note of the name and laughed. (Then I went into reflections of how the Brady house was a universe unto itself most of the time and the Brady’s would fit perfectly for some bizarre situation as in your story and Alice wasn’t a Brady but she was and how much fun it would have been if she had been a radical activist juxtaposed with Carol… poor Mike wouldn’t know what to do… all within the span of a couple of seconds. That’s my brain.)
Is there any way to add more specificity to “for some nefarious purpose”? Something that will hook me further. It made me wonder if this detail is vague in the story.
However, the narrative of this paragraph brings in a lot of intrigue and gives a clear starting picture of what it’s all about.
You have a great dilemma hook in the last paragraph. The only thing I’m wondering about is if it’s necessary to include that Ruby is Jackie’s ex? It made me wonder about love — or fear of losing love — being the motivation for his dilemma rather than an altruistic desire to help his fellow inhabitants vs. selfish self-preservation.
My question, is it better to keep it simple? We might assume Jackie has a thing for Ruby since she’s the star of his piano bar.
The SERIES ENGINE made me wonder if Jackie and Alice are working together. From the earlier paragraph, I suspected they were at odds. Just wondering if that needs to be made clear?
In the BIO, can you add one example of where your work is published or played?
… around the globe, including_______.The ScreenCraft mention is a good one!
Looking for hook, paragraph, hook format, my rewrite might be something like this:
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The universe is about to end. Now what?
Granted, the entire cosmos of THE BUBBLE consists of Eatam’s Grocery Store, “the store with everything and more!” But Eatam’s parking lot is experiencing frequent extreme weather events. On the inside, merchandise and people are losing solidity.
But Jackie Diamond just might be able to save the world with his music…
Except, like any lounge singer, he is right at home at the center of the universe in The piano Bar from Hell. And he goes out of his way to NOT entertain customers.
Nonetheless, his venue is the only place unaffected by the unfolding catastrophe.
Jackie believes his music somehow shields him and his domain but radical cleaning lady, Alice Brady, is convinced that Jackie’s fawning store owner and patron, protects him with secret technology which she wants to open source (or whatever it is) — before everyone else fades into non-existence.
When Ruby Red, Jackie’s star singer, begins to evaporate, he must decide: does he risk using his privileged position to help the inhabitants of Eatam’s to escape oblivion?
If he does, where will they go? If he doesn’t, where will HE go?
——–
The details may not be quite accurate to your script but I hope this is useful for the next draft of your query letter!
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Hi Rita,
Thanks! This is so helpful. You managed to find all the spots I was concerned with in the first place. (And you noticed the Brady Bunch reference!)
I will work your suggestions into my pitch but probably won’t post the revised version for a while. I need to finish the outline of the new first season and the pilot first.
Thanks again.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by
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Jack Sherry’s Query Letter First Draft
Title: Kennel Club
Genre – Half Hour romantic comedy
I have a half-hour comedy series pilot about a L.A. dog groomer who doesn’t trust men, only
dogs. When she gets in financial trouble and is about to go out of business, she secretly rents
out the dogs she grooms to members of her chess club so they can walk them to meet women,
forming a new club called Kennel Club. Think Hitch meets Cheers at the dog park. The series has
a unique protagonist who is an engaging lead for a bankable actor; in addition to being a CesarMillan-type dog whisperer, she also gives dating advice and fixes relationships. Quirky
characters in the chess club would also appeal to bankable actors, such as the fast-talking TV
product pitchman who becomes her love interest in the first season and a Kevin-Hart type Uber
driver who shuttles the men and dogs to dog parks, dog cafes and dog walking streets giving
outrageous advice in opposition to the female lead’s counseling. The series has big surprises,
major twists and reversals, character betrayals, and wide audience appeal. With the success of
Hitch, Cheers, and Queen’s Gambit, as well as dog shows like Beethoven and Best In Show, the
series will appeal to the targeted young-adult audience as well as the ninety million U.S.
households with pets, and L.A. actors can make cameo appearances with their much-loved dogs
making the show popular with them -
Jack Sherry’s Query Letter Draft 2
Title: Kennel Club
Genre – Half Hour romantic comedy
I have a half-hour comedy series pilot about a L.A. dog groomer who doesn’t trust men, only
dogs. When she gets in financial trouble and is about to lose her business, she secretly rents out the dogs she grooms to members of her socially-challenged chess club so they can walk them to meet women, forming a new club called Kennel Club. Think Hitch meets Cheers at the dog park. The series has a unique protagonist who is an engaging lead for a bankable actor; in addition to being a Cesar Millan-type dog whisperer, she also gives dating advice and fixes relationships. Quirky characters in the chess club would also appeal to bankable actors, such as the fast-talking TV product pitchman who becomes her love interest in the first season and a Kevin-Hart type Uber driver who shuttles the men and dogs to dog parks, dog cafes and dog-walking streets giving outrageous advice in opposition to the female lead’s counseling. The series has big surprises, major twists and reversals, character betrayals, and wide audience appeal. With the success of Hitch, Cheers, and Queen’s Gambit, as well as dog shows like Dog Whisperer, Beethoven and Best In Show, the series will appeal to the targeted young-adult audience as well as the ninety million U.S. households with pets, and L.A. actors can make cameo appearances with their much-loved dogs making the show popular with themI have completed the pilot and second episode as well as a 90-page feature romcom version also tiled Kennel Club.
Bio: I have independently produced and sold four programs to Discovery Channel and was Associate Producer for independently-produced The Life and Times of Bobby Jones which was then sold to and aired on CBS. I’ve completed 11 screenplays, one of which took home the platinum award for Best Screenplay and three others that have been finalists in major screenplay competitions.
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Hi Jack,
Great Concept and Title!
Title: Kennel Club
Genre – Half Hour romantic comedy
I have a half-hour comedy series pilot about a L.A. dog groomer who doesn’t trust men, only
dogs. I think you need a solid hook to start.How do you get a date when you trust dogs more than men?
or
When a dog groomer’s best relationship is with her canines, who would guess she’d become a dating coach?
or
Lonely Saturday nights? Ditch your dating coach and find a dog to walk!
(Just some quick ideas for you to make better if you want to.)When she (NAME?) gets in financial trouble and is about to lose her business, she secretly rents out the dogs she grooms to members of her socially-challenged chess club. I’ve loved this concept from first reading it!
Now, these tongue-tied men can let the dogs do the talking instead of approaching women themselves.
Think Hitch meets Cheers at the dog park.
In addition to being a Cesar Millan-type dog whisperer, (Name) gives dating advice and fixes relationships.
Quirky characters in the chess club would also appeal to bankable actors, such as the fast-talking TV product pitchman who becomes her love interest in the first season and a Kevin-Hart type Uber driver who shuttles the men and dogs to dog parks, dog cafes and dog-walking streets giving outrageous advice in opposition to the female lead’s counseling. The series has big surprises, major twists and reversals, character betrayals, and wide audience appeal. With the success of Hitch, Cheers, and Queen’s Gambit, as well as dog shows like Dog Whisperer, Beethoven and Best In Show, the series will appeal to the targeted young-adult audience as well as the ninety million U.S. households with pets, and L.A. actors can make cameo appearances with their much-loved dogs making the show popular with them. I have completed the pilot and second episode as well as a 90-page feature romcom version also tiled Kennel Club.
I’m not sure about the above information, it may not be well-placed in a query but more for an in person meeting to answer their questions if they ask. Turning the character parts into hooks for the query would be idea. The query’s main objective is to get your script read, as I understand it. This heavy chunk of text also adds visual density which may be a turnoff?
Bio: I have independently produced and sold four programs to Discovery Channel and was Associate Producer for independently-produced The Life and Times of Bobby Jones which was then sold to and aired on CBS. I’ve completed 11 screenplays, one of which took home the platinum award for Best Screenplay and three others that have been finalists in major screenplay competitions.
Your bio is impressive. You clearly know how to get things sold so my suggestions are just to give you further ideas.
I have a desire to read it, just from the concept so it seems strong enough to stand on its own!
I hope this is useful for you,
Rita
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David’s Query Letter Draft 1
Hi (exec),
I’m a produced writer with an action-comedy called HEISTING THE CUP that asks the question: what if a crazed sports nut stole the Stanley Cup?
Charlie’s beloved Flyers are on the verge of capturing the Stanley Cup when Roski, an ex-Flyer, scores the winning goal. Charlie’s so distraught, he forgets his one year anniversary with Kate. She breaks up with him, tired of Charlie choosing sports over her. What’s more, his dad- a former NHL player- is in desperate need of a surgery he can’t afford. His dying wish is to hold the Stanley Cup, just once. After Roski blasts Philly fans, Charlie hatches a plot that his swindling roommate Victor eagerly supports…
They’re going to steal the Stanley Cup!
And sure enough, they swipe it from an unsuspecting Roski at a nightclub. But his bodyguards- Russian mafia members- track down Charlie’s address. Charlie and Victor flee as a $1 million reward’s offered for the stolen Cup. Victor knows a sports collector who’ll pay $3 million. So the guys race to NYC as Roski’s bodyguards chase them, guns blazing. Meanwhile, Roski’s assaulted in Central Park for losing the fabled Cup. When the collector hands him a $3 million check, Charlie faces the biggest dilemma of his life:
Cash the check or return the Cup?
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
BIO: David is a produced, multi-optioned writer who has been hired for several assignments, including one recently by Oakhurst Entertainment. Born and raised near Philly- and having played ice hockey for UCLA, his alma mater- David has intimate knowledge of the fanaticism (read: craziness) of Flyers fans.
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Ian Patrick’s Query Letter Draft ONE
What I learned doing this assignment is to revise earlier drafts and incorporate tweaks to clarify things.
Dear ____
Since you have a history of producing action films, I would like to present this one for your consideration:
The Coming Storm
How do you stop an imminent terrorist attack from a White Nationalist group when your superiors are telling you to stand down and continue waiting for more evidence?
Newly-appointed African American detective MILES BROUSSARD determines to continue working on his own to identify the leaders of the white nationalist group American Storm Troupers who are committing crimes and blaming them on Jewish and Black Americans.
Following evidence that another Oklahoma City bombing might be in the works, he convinces his Lieutenant and FBI supervisor to stop a truck driven by the AST leader that is speeding toward City Hall. When it’s found to be empty, Broussard is thrown off the case for raising a false alarm. But of course he refuses to take no for an answer.
After being captured by an AST sniper, he discovers that the real plan was always to frame him for an assassination which the AST will use as justification for their fellow neo-Nazi groups to start The Storm, a race war that will engulf the entire country.
BIO: Ian Patrick Williams shares the Chicago Emmy award for co-authoring the teleplay BLEACHER BUMS for PBS-TV; the script was later adapted and produced as a M.O.W. by Showtime. In 2017 Status Media Entertainment released his Roaring 20’s piece GANGSTER LAND. Masterfilm International purchased his action screenplay THE BLACK SEA RAID; MJR Films has a current option on PROPHET OF THE THIRD REICH.
Please let me know if I may send you the full script for The Coming Storm.
Thank you,
Ian Patrick Williams
Address
Phone
Email
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Ian Patrick Williams,
This reads like a great concept with all the right hooks. Nothing jumps out that needs changing. Only suggestion is you might shorten your bio just a tad, just enough to abbreviate some of that info — which is truly impressive!
Jalynn
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Jalynn:
Thanks for the kind words; I’ll take a look at that bio. I really like your story–I assume you’ve seen Chloe Zhao’s The Rider which had great footage of a real ‘horse whisperer’. One thing: when and how does his mother die and at who’s hand? It’s such an important beat, I think it needs some clarification.
Thanks,
Ian
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Thanks, Ian! Appreciate the comments. Hunter’s ex-con father accidentally kills his mother when the father pushes her into a piece of heavy furniture. I’ll make sure to clarify this.
Cheers!
Jalynn
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Ian:
I was not familiar with The Rider. Thanks for telling me about this. It’s a great resource!
Cheers!
Jalynn
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Hi Ian,
You certainly have a timely concept coinciding with current media narratives. You’ve written the query in an engaging way. It seems ready for producers who are appropriate to this genre and your bio is impressive. The only suggestion I could make is to pull out a big hook and isolate it in a single line halfway through the query.
Something like:
he refuses to take no for an answer but then…
He is captured by an AST sniper!
The real plan, all along was to frame him, etc.
Or whatever you think is the biggest hook of your story. But I think that’s a visual preference on my part to pull out the hook. Maybe just something to try out.
Well done!
Rita
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Jalynn’s Query Letter Draft One
What I learned doing this assignment is I need help making this shorter.
Dear (Producer),
I loved the last western film you produced and thought you might be interested in a contemporary western with great roles for two bankable actors: A teenage heartthrob and an aging well-loved actor.
Title: Heart of a Mustang Genre: Drama/Contemporary Western
Hunter is a happy teen who plays violin and has a comfortable life until his “dead” father comes home. When Hunter learns this man is a drug-dealing ex-con instead of the military hero his mother painted him to be, Hunter jumps the rails. He skips school, makes a new friend, and learns what it takes to be a thief. Before the day’s end, Hunter gets caught robbing hotel guests, and a judge sends him to Promise Ranch for troubled boys.
But how does a juvie sidestep bullies, rattlesnakes, hungry coyotes and murder on the prairie? Hunter bonds with a wild horse and learns to train her from an old cowboy named Smokey who’s as good with troubled teens as he is with mustangs. Plus, Hunter meets Haylie and gets his first crush on a girl who’s a better cowboy than he is.
When Hunter confronts the man who murdered his mother, he must decide if he wants to be a killer like his father or the talented young man his mother raised him to be.
BIO: Jalynn Venis is an optioned screenwriter and former broadcast and non-fiction television producer who has completed several screenwriting assignments. She co-wrote Heart of a Mustang with M.J. Evans, the author of the young adult book In the Heart of a Mustang. Both women are equestrians.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the screenplay.
Best regards,
Jalynn Venis
303-524-4660 jalynnvenis@gmail.com
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Hi Jalynn!
This sounds like an intriguing story. I’ll make an attempt to help you shorten but you’ve written your query in a way that makes it viewable in my mind as it is. I rearranged some things and made suggestions. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.
Great Concept!
Rita=======
I loved the last western film you produced and thought you might be interested in a contemporary western with great roles for two bankable actors: A teenage heartthrob and an aging well-loved actor. I’m not sure this is a great first hook since it’s not about your story. It seems more in line for an in person meeting?
Title: Heart of a Mustang
Genre: Drama/Contemporary Western
What drags a troubled boy out of juvie as he sidestep bullies, rattlesnakes, hungry coyotes and murder on the prairie? Wild horses.
After reading the full query it seems odd that Hunter is happy if his mother has been murdered? Or does that happen after the not-dead dad shows up? If that’s the case, it’s just a matter of clarity.
Hunter is a happy teen who plays violin and has a comfortable life until his “dead” father comes home.
When Hunter learns this man is a drug-dealing ex-con instead of the military hero his mother painted him to be, Hunter jumps the rails. He skips school, (makes a new friend, <– I’d cut that since it doesn’t impact the query) and learns what it takes to be a thief. Before the day’s end, Hunter gets caught robbing hotel guests, and a judge sends him to Promise Ranch for troubled boys.
Hunter bonds with a wild horse and learns to train her from an old cowboy named Smokey (who’s as good with troubled teens as he is with mustangs. Maybe cut this, it’s implied.)
Plus, Hunter meets Haylie and gets his first crush on a girl who’s a better cowboy than he is.
Or: Then he meets a cowboy who outdoes him at every turn. Her name is Haylie.When Hunter confronts the man who murdered his mother, When did this happen? It’s an abrupt change from the horses and Haylie so maybe it’s better to be worded like this:
But when his mother is murdered, Hunter must decide if he wants to be a killer like his father or the talented young man his mother raised him to be and a man Haylie could fall for.
Is murder really the best revenge? (Or something like that.)
BIO: Jalynn Venis is an optioned screenwriter and former broadcast and non-fiction television producer who has completed several screenwriting assignments. She co-wrote Heart of a Mustang with M.J. Evans, the author of the young adult book In the Heart of a Mustang. Both women are equestrians.
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Thanks, Rita! Helpful comments. I appreciate your time!
Jalynn
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Jack Sherry,
I like dogs and would love to see a comedy series like this. Only a few suggestions: The big paragraph makes the info feel a little confusing to me. I would add graph breaks after the sentence “Think Hitch meets…” and the phrase “…wide audience appeal.”
Also, the phrase “the series will appeal” may come on too strong to a producer. How about “the series should appeal…” to be more accurate.
Good luck with this!
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Jalynn, thanks for your comments. I will use your suggestions! Very helpful.
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Note: Feel free to respond here with feedback or email me at the address below. I’ll reciprocate with a critique exchange. The more the better for experiential learning!
BLUE MOON
Romantic Comedy
True love only comes once in a Blue Moon… after you fake your way into owning a business you know nothing about.
When Dawn meets a handsome contractor she pretends to own a painting company and signs a contract to finish one of his projects.
The only problem is that she’s actually a psychology professor who just lectured her class about authenticity so now she has to gather up some workers and get the job done.
Where else to find a paint crew but by plucking random losers from a parking lot?
After a few disastrous mishaps, Dawn and her colorful crew find their groove and they just might pull it off!
PLUS the contractor asked her out to dinner… but what if he finds out she lied? Does Dawn come clean or keep up the charade?
Either way, she loses at love… unless she finds a way to have it all.
If you like this concept, I’ll be happy to send you the script.
Sincerely,
Rita Doyle Roberts
BIO: Rita Roberts is a professional artist who inherited a painting company and had to bluff her way through commercial contracts as the lead on construction sites. Blue Moon Bay Painting is now a successful business… and a great way to get dates.
rita@ritaroberts.com
[Other Contact info]-
Hi Rita:
I get that you’re going for irony that your protagonist lectures on authenticity and then acts in a most unethical way. But I think that makes her pretty unlikeable. Why wouldn’t a smart well-to-do woman just present herself as she actually is to a potential date? If on the other hand she were say, a struggling artist who really needs a job, she could stretch the truth a little by saying she knows how to paint a house. In fact she could also get her struggling artist friends some money instead of hiring some random ‘losers’ in a parking lot. I just think underdogs are easier to root for. But I wish you best of luck getting this to producers.
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Ian,
Thank you for your thoughts about the story, all good things to consider when I do a rewrite after this class.
I appreciate you reading my query and taking time to make these suggestions.
Best,
Rita
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Hi Rita,
The first thing I want to say is I love the concept. Second, there is absolutely nothing unlikable about the protagonist. If anything, her actions and background make her immediately endearing—and funny! Now for some thoughts…
BLUE MOON While I like the title, and it certainly fits the story, I’m also worried about it for a couple of reasons. There is what seems like a minor TV show and movie with the same title, but I don’t think that’s an issue. Of course, there is the association with the great Rodgers & Hart tune—not a bad thing unless the producer assumes the tune will be used in the movie, which they could interpret as EXPENSIVE for licensing purposes. My real concern is that it may be a bit too generic. Yes, because of the song, we suspect it’s connected to love. But it’s not unique. One alternate suggestion: Blue Moon Painters. I know there is a premium on short titles, but that only adds one word. Plus, it creates a question in the reader/viewer’s mind: What the hell is that about?
Romantic Comedy
True love only comes once in a Blue Moon… after you fake your way into owning a business you know nothing about.Of course, my title suggestion possibly ruins the opening hook. Or does it? If you just make it lowercase (blue moon), maybe it creates more mystery. In any case, I like the opening hook. There’s quite a jolt in the contrast after the ellipses.
When Dawn meets a handsome contractor she pretends to own a painting company and signs a contract to finish one of his projects. I think you need a comma after “contractor.” Perhaps a little description of Dawn, e.g., middle-aged (if that’s what she is.) Or this could be in the next paragraph. In either case, I feel like I need to know a bit more about her, other than her regular gig. You’ve said the contractor is “handsome.” So, maybe just a brief descriptor, the kind of thing you might use when you introduce a character in the script.
The only problem is that she’s actually a psychology professor who just lectured her class about authenticity so now she has to gather up some workers and get the job done. A comma after “authenticity.”
Where else to find a paint crew but by plucking random losers from a parking lot? <font color=”#990000″>Love it.</font>
After a few disastrous mishaps, Dawn and her colorful crew find their groove and they just might pull it off! Maybe a short example of the disaster. Also, I know you have already written a version of the script, but I’m wondering about the possible consequences for her professor gig. Could there be a scenario where her status in that world is threatened by her burgeoning house painting gig? Perhaps we see that she has a colleague at the university that does not like her, is trying to bring her down. Or maybe the dean of the department. And then she unknowingly gets a gig painting that person’s house! My thought is that you could double down on the conflict by having Dawn feel pressure from the other side.
PLUS the contractor asked her out to dinner… but what if he finds out she lied? Does Dawn come clean or keep up the charade? Comma after PLUS. Again, I keep wondering about the consequences for her professor job. Does she have to choose between the two careers? Does she get in trouble for missing lectures to impress the contractor with her work ethic, getting jobs done?
Either way, she loses at love… unless she finds a way to have it all. The first time I read this (in the earlier version for another lesson), I wondered, “Why does she lose at love?” I mean it’s not necessarily implied from the previous paragraphs. Maybe, without giving away the ending, it could be something like, “Will she fail at both careers and find love? Or can she actually have it all?” OK, that’s inelegant, but something along those lines.
If you like this concept, I’ll be happy to send you the script.
Sincerely,
Rita Doyle Roberts
BIO: Rita Roberts is a professional artist who inherited a painting company and had to bluff her way through commercial contracts as the lead on construction sites. Blue Moon Bay Painting is now a successful business… and a great way to get dates. OK, there’s the actual company name. It would probably be too long as a title…anyway…I love the bio. It’s funny like the whole idea, and certainly gives you credibility in experience and knowledge about the subject.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by Peter Saltzman.
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Peter,
Thank you so much for this! You touched on all the areas where I was troubled so your comments will be extremely helpful in the next draft. I especially like your ideas for upping the stakes and doubling down on tension for Dawn.
I’d love to know what other classmates think about BLUE MOON vs BLUE MOON PAINTERS as a script title. Would anyone like to give thoughts?
Thank you for taking time to write a detailed critique, much appreciated!
Rita
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This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by
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Rita – see my thoughts and suggestions. Sounds like a great story!
Feel free to review mine if you like – and have time.
BLUE MOON
Romantic Comedy
True love only comes once in a Blue Moon… after you fake your way into owning a business you know nothing about.
When Dawn meets a handsome contractor she pretends to own a painting company and signs a contract to finish one of his projects.
For a psychology professor, this is quite the quandary.
She enlists a collection of otherwise unemployable folks and it’s the blind leading the blind (need something non-cliché).
The only problem is that she’s actually a psychology professor who just lectured her class about authenticity so now she has to gather up some workers and get the job done.
Where else to find a paint crew but by plucking random losers from a parking lot?
*** In some areas “undocumented workers” gather in parking lots looking for day work, so best not to call them random losers.
Will Dawn be able to fool him long enough for them to learn to paint like pros?
When he ask her out to dinner, will Dawn have to tell the truth or try to build this relationship on lies?
Either way, she has painted herself into a corner.
If you like this concept, I’ll be happy to send you the script.
Sincerely,
Rita Doyle Roberts
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What I learned: I feel there’s some how a hole in the way of working pitching a TV series. I feel I need to say something about season 1 and the series – but it doesn’t seem to fit anywhere.
Dear X,
I’m Camilla Erlandsdotter and I’ve placed in TV pilot contests. I’m finishing a 1 hour serialised gangster drama called RED.
Is there life for a god-fearing Jewish gangster?
It’s 1920 and New York. Samuel is hopeful and fearful. Together with his blood brother from reform school and World War 1, he’s going to Coney Island on a double date with an astonishing woman. Only one problem – to get the clams to treat the girls, they robbed the speakeasy of a blood thirsty local gang lord, who now is out for revenge! Just when things are going their way, the gang lord and his corrupt police henchmen crash the romantic dinner! Samuel is badly beaten, abandoned by his blood brother and arrested on a fake charge.
Has it ended before it started?
If you’re happy with the concept, happy to share the pilot script. It’s Peaky Blinders meets Madmen.
Apart from placing in US based TV pilot contests, I wrote my Law School graduation paper (cum laude) on the Italian gangster Lucky Luciano.
Best Regards,
[Name and contact]
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Hi Camilla,
You have an intriguing concept and the tone is clear as a period series. For me it needs some clarity for the hooks to stand out. My suggestions are below.
I’m Camilla Erlandsdotter and I’ve placed in TV pilot contests. I’d put this in your bio. I’m finishing a 1 hour serialised gangster drama called RED.
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RED
1 hour serialised gangster drama
Is there life for a god-fearing Jewish gangster? Can you bring in something more specific here than life?
How does a devout Jew reconcile his faith with his gangster life?
It’s 1920 and New York, a time full of hope and fear.
With his blood brother from reform school and World War 1, Samuel is going to Coney Island on a double date with an astonishing woman, but need some cash for their night out.
So they rob the speakeasy. They’ve got the money and they’ve got the girls but…
Now the blood-thirsty local gang lord who owns the speakeasy is out for revenge!
Their romantic dinner is crashed by corrupt police henchman. Samuel is arrested on a fake charge, badly beaten, and abandoned by his friend. (a little confusing to be arrested on a fake charge since he did actually rob they guy.)
Is life over just as it was getting started?
If you’re happy with the concept, happy to share the pilot script. It’s Peaky Blinders meets Madmen. I’m not sure how it fits with Madmen. Is there a way to add a small detail that shows that?
Apart from placing in US based TV pilot contests, I wrote my Law School graduation paper (cum laude) on the Italian gangster Lucky Luciano. Good expert on the subject mention.
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Now that I’ve gone through the query, I’m wondering how god-fearing plays into the story. You might be able to increase the tension hooks in the query if that is a big deal for Samuel, creating inner turmoil, or take it out so as not to confuse?
I hope these suggestions are useful for you.
Good luck revising!
Rita-
Hi Rita,
Thanks for reading my draft — and providing notes. I’m struggling with the first hook (the most difficult). This has a bit to do with choices. Pitching pilot, season 1 or whole series. The reference to Madmen relates to the series – we follow the characters from the 20s to 60s and their struggles with a changing world. I feel this is important but do not know how to place this.
What’s your thoughts on this?
The other struggle I have is which plot to emphasise – the struggle against the local ganglord and corrupt police – or the love story and how it builds through a lifetime across the seasons. Which plot line would make you emotionally engaged in the characters?
Thanks for flagging confusing wording.
Will give it another try! 🙂
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Hi Camilla,
Does something like this work:
When faith, love and crime meet — which one wins?
As for the Madmen reference, maybe add something like… following Samuel from his youth into his 60’s, the series is a combo of Peaky Blinders and Madmen.
It seems like those two plots you mentioned could up the stakes and increase the hooks in your query. But they have to increase tension between the two. Your first draft made it sound like the love story ended at the beginning.
It’s a real trick finding a way to tell a complex story in simple sentences!
I look forward to seeing your second draft.
Rita
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Rita’s Query Letter Draft 2
What I learned:
Peter helped me locate where I could up the stakes/hooks in the query. I’m not sure if this is the right amount of detail to go along with the increased tension or if it also increases confusion.
And does my protagonist become unlikable in this version?
NOTE: I’d also really love feedback on the title.
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BLUE MOON PAINTERS
Romantic Comedy
True love only comes once in a blue moon… after you fake your way into a business you know nothing about.
When Dawn meets Tom, a handsome contractor, she pretends to own a painting company to get his number.
Then she signs a contract to finish one of his projects.
The only problem is that she’s actually a psychology professor who just lectured her class about authenticity. Now she has to gather up some workers and get the job done.
Where else to find a paint crew but by plucking random losers from a parking lot?
They arrive on the job to find out it’s the dean of faculty’s address! Now Dawn has to pretend she’s NOT a painting contractor but covers her lie by claiming she’s the head of a community outreach program to help disadvantaged youth.
Never mind that her crew is mostly middle-aged.
While Dawn uses her psychology skills to keep everyone on track, her colorful crew finds their groove and just might pull this off. Plus, Tom finally asks her out to dinner.
But she can’t juggle the lies much longer. What if Tom finds out the truth? And what if the Dean finds out she lied?
If she comes clean, will she end up alone, fired from both her fake and her real job?
Or maybe she can find a way to have it all
If you like this concept, I’ll be happy to send you the script.
Sincerely,
Rita Doyle Roberts
BIO: Rita Roberts is a professional artist who inherited a painting company and had to bluff her way through commercial contracts as the lead on construction sites. Blue Moon Bay Painting is now a successful business… and a great way to get dates.
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Hi Rita,
It’s always fab with a Romcom! I feel we have too few of those!
Just some brief thoughts on the story structure. This does not (all necessarily) need to come in the pitch. Just some thought on the story structure. Chunk out what doesn’t work.
What’s the protagonist’s love life like on the faculty at the onset? Non-existing? Tired of Tinder? She’s being overlooked? Secretly in love with somebody – but doesn’t dare to ask? She’s given up? Love is existentially pointless? What’s her flaw? Good at lying?
FYI – there is a couple who actually do research and lecture at University on the subject of LOVE. Maybe an idea as backstory for the protagonist?
It would be great so see some kind of change in the protagonist as the romance progresses.
It may also be fun if there was a sidekick close to her (mother/sister/co-worker?) continuously telling her it’s no point to try at a relationship (too ugly, too brainy, too boring, too demanding whatever) – or passive agressive talking about themselves but referring to her.
What’s the relationship with the dean? She’s up to get a permanent job this year in front of the Board? He’s a nice person? Supportive of her research of (overt or covert) finds it pointless and a waste of University funds?
She could maybe get into trouble with the Board for not reporting her (fake) “extra job” – leading a community program on top of her day job? Somebody at the University starts investigating the “fake” job?
And I assume that the dean has called a regular company (Tom’s) to get the work done – so would be displeased paying for a bunch of amateurs (or the opposite – he’s very much supportive of community programs)? You will need set-up his personality in Act 1 – so his reaction here is no surprise to the viewer.
Why doesn’t she just cancel the job at the dean’s – to avoid the problem?
I don’t believe you can really “get fired” – if you own the company – but it can go bust – and you can become personally liable for the debt (pending on the legal form of the company).
All of the above could maybe be reasons to raise the stakes? She can’t cancel the job because– When she reports her community activity, she’s informed she must stop with it or lose her position— etc.
What kind of person is her love interest? Why does she fall in love with him and he in her? Where to they meet? Who takes the first step?
There seems to be a lot of differences between them (entrepreneur construction and an intellectual lecturer at a University). What’s the common ground? What’s the spark that attracts her to him? What’s her goal and his? He dates all his female sub-contractors?
Is she just out for a one-night stand with a good looking guy or a relationship/ family/ kids? Her look on love and relationships will need to be set-up in Act 1.
She’s asking for his private number or work phone? Work-phone numbers tend to be easily available now-a-days and it wouldn’t be strange to ask for it – in a commercial setting.
How does it end? She’s caught in her own lies and down at the bottom — but then her love shows up and declares his emotions? He’s always going to be there for her, whatever and just the way she is, with all her faults? There can always be a twist that somebody who’s secretly in love with her – which she hasn’t noticed – steps up to help her when she discovers that Tom’s love is not what she needed.
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Hi Camilla,
Thanks so much for all your thoughts on my story. I love that the query made you think in these details.
A friend of mine who knows the drama/comedy/romance of workers in my real life painting business suggested I do a spinoff series and write a pilot. That definitely needs to be written and your ideas are great fuel.
Thanks!
Rita
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Vic Valleau Query Letter Exchange. Romantic Comedy
TITLE “Call me Daddy”/“PERKS OF FATHERHOOD”
In the world of women’s fertility treatments: “Are men really necessary?”
In today’s scientific world, human reproductive technology, ‘Perks of Fatherhood” follows the ups and downs of one man’s plea for fatherhood. The trend is not his friend.
Independent single women are flocking to fertility services. Marriage is down, population is declining, Bridal shops are closing by the thousands as women cope with their already confused world of dating and love, marriage and babies. Bob must deal with all of that and a fractured penis. This is the first ever comedy treatment of this groundbreaking trend.
In this media inspired, unique search for true love, an unlucky guy stacks up enemies, is evicted from his donor job in a posh women’s fertility clinic, ultimately faces homelessness. Risking his job, Bob lurks in his clinics parking lot, offering flower bouquets to single unengaged women clients. He teases them:
No ring by Spring? What about me? Just list me as father on the birth certificate! You can even do it without me and the baby uses your last name.
BIO: Writer and Stand Up at several comedy clubs: Comedy Story on Sunset, Improv in Santa Monica and also on Sunset and Ventura Blvd, IMDB, Truman show re-writes on teaser as fundraiser exhibited at early Cinemacon, published writer of medical-legal articles, Multi-optioned scripts, including at AFM Currently have scripts in process with A level producers and directors.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Cell: 310-985-3525, Office: 310-452-8877, 3435 Ocean Park Blvd. #107-508, Santa Monica, CA 90405
Hi fellow students see my Email above. Send a text so I expect your email.
Please exchange query letters, synopsis to follow.
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Hi Vic,
Don’t know if you knew this but this guy in the Netherlands who already fathered 500+ children via sperm donations to various official clinics and via various social media and who wants to be part of the life of his children recently got a court order (he was sued by one of the mothers) to stop donating – as this could cause pain and suffering for his children. He’s appealing the judgement.
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Rita’s Query Letter Draft 2
What I learned:
Peter helped me locate where I could up the stakes/hooks in the query. I’m not sure if this is the right amount of detail to go along with the increased tension or if it also increases confusion.
And does my protagonist become unlikable in this version?
NOTE: I’d also really love feedback on the title.
I SUGGEST A TITLE THAT EVOKES THE STORY: THE BUSINESS OF LOVE., OR EVEN PAINTING LOVE.
Hi Rita: love your concept. Thanks for a change to exchange ideas.
Vic
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BLUE MOON PAINTERS/
POSSIBLE TITLE: THE BUSINESS OF LOVE.
Romantic Comedy
True love only comes once in a blue moon… after you fake your way into a business you know nothing about.
When Dawn meets Tom, a handsome contractor, she pretends to own a painting company to get his number.
Then she signs a contract to finish one of his projects.
The only problem is that she’s actually a psychology professor who just lectured her class about authenticity. Now she has to gather up some workers and get the job done.
Where else to find a paint crew but by plucking random losers from a parking lot? I WOULD USE HER INEXPERIENCE AGAINST HER, PICKING A CREW THAT FAILS HER AT EVERY TURN. HER CREW COULD BE VOLUNTEERS FROM COMMUNITY OUTREACH PROGRAM. SHE TRICKS THEM INTO HELPING PAINT.
They arrive on the job to find out it’s the dean of faculty’s address! Now Dawn has to pretend she’s NOT a painting contractor but covers her lie by claiming she’s the head of a community outreach program to help disadvantaged youth. GREAT MISDIRECTION!
Never mind that her crew is mostly middle-aged. MAYBE SOME ARE OLDER???AFRAID TO CLIMB LADDERS, OR GET STUCK ON THE ROOF, CAN’T GET DOWN SO NEED FIRE DEPARTMENTS HELP. Again tone of your story is final decider, if this idea is useful.
While Dawn uses her psychology skills to keep everyone on track, her colorful crew finds their groove and just might pull this off.
The crew screws up, is funnier, particularly when they follow her advice to the letter. This would give her and contractor a lively sparky date where she’s on defensive. She’s forced into lying, so denies her advice and background. This could be a small change but big payoff. Again, she could BE FORCED TO USE contractor’s parents, WHO ARE VOLUNTEERS FROM COMMUNITY OUTREACH AND INSIST ON HELPING HER.
Plus, Tom finally asks her out to dinner. IS HIS/HER INTEREST ROMANTIC, BUSINESS OR BOTH?
But she can’t juggle the lies much longer. What if Tom finds out the truth? And what if the Dean finds out she lied? GREAT, LOVE IT!
If she comes clean, will she end up alone, fired from both her fake and her real job? FIRED FROM HER FAKE JOB IS FUNNY.
Or maybe she can find a way to have it all. GREAT QUESTION SINCE I WANT MORE INFO. GOOD TEASE.
If you like this concept, I’ll be happy to send you the script.
Sincerely,
Rita Doyle Roberts
BIO: Rita Roberts is a professional artist who inherited a painting company and had to bluff her way through commercial contracts as the lead on construction sites. Blue Moon Bay Painting is now a successful business… and a great way to get dates.
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Hi Vic,
Thanks so much for these ideas!
I like THE BUSINESS OF LOVE.
What about A FRESH COAT OF LOVE <– Is that evocative or vague?
My first title was BLUE DAWN. I haven’t completely nixed that one yet.Your suggestions are helpful and I appreciate the notes of encouragement too.
The whole script is getting a rewrite so I’ll see where I can incorporate these extra ideas.
Thank you for reciprocating on the feedback.
Rita
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LD’s Query Letter Exchange
Learned: I will use this step-by-step process for all scripts.
Title: Everybody’s Phobic (and then there’s me)
Name LD Janakos
Genre: Rom-Com
How long can a popular podcaster, keep hidden his multiple social phobias when an attractive and outspoken public speaker pursues him?
After Jaxon buys a social support animal that goes from a passive to a wildly social dog by the next morning, Angela convinces him to help her expose pet stores for drugging animals for better sales. But when she wants to use his support dog as a poster animal for the cause. Jaxon believes it’s a mistake, but agrees after she won’t take no for an answer.
Not long after they agree to work together, they each get jilted in love and find themselves each other’s support system but agree to avoid becoming each other’s rebound. They fail and separate.
When Angela gets kidnapped and Jaxon tries to find her, he also gets kidnapped. Stuck in the room together, they try to reconcile and sort through their feelings. But when they discover their kidnappers are a ring of illegal breeders of exotic animals, they feel doomed. Now they have 48 hours to free themselves and expose the illegal breeders.
If you find this concept of interest, I’d be happy to send you a copy of the script.
Sincerely,
LD Janakos
Besides being a novelist and placing in two film competitions for other work, I am in direct contact with someone who helped raise exotic animals while working with Exotic Joe of the Netflix Tiger King series.
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Tom’s Query Letter Draft ONE
What I learned doing this assignment is that time away from it allows me to re-visit the basic set up – and make objective improvements.
A NEW YEARS WISH Genre: Drama – Inspirational
It’s New Years Eve, and young Rick, like most people, is certain this time next year his life will be better.
Ricks tells a Monk his life is meaningless for the next year and he’d rather skip over all the crap he has to go through.
This Monk, who speaks in parables and is obsessed with old episodes of Columbo, has the power to focus Rick’s obsession and make it a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Rick wakes up a year later and has money but he’s not happy. He seeks out the Monk who is no help, but Sere, the Monks granddaughter and caretaker provides him a path.
Rick must learn the four immeasurable virtues of life and find out what gives him true happiness, by the next New Years eve or is old programming will become permanent or his life, and everyone he loves will pass him by.
As the Monk tells him, “Or the wheel of the cart will forever follow the Ox.”
If you like the concept, I’ll send the script.
BIO: Tom Basham wrote, directed and produced a film that won Best Picture at the International Family Film Festival in Hollywood, and produced three other feature films in distribution.
Email: Tom@sapfilms.com
IMDB: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm1722276/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_2
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Hi Rita,
I added some thoughts to your 2nd version. It’s more about the story I think. Chunk out what doesn’t work.
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Jani’s Query Letter-Draft#1
GENRE: DRAMA/ROMANCE
TITLE: LIVE FOREVER
Joe sees his father’s ghost and wonders, is he next?
Joe arrives in New York City to set up his Serpentarium Show in Central Park. He meets Becky, an autistic woman, falls in love, until Jet shows up and lets all the poisonous snakes loose.
Becky and Joe make a quick getaway to upstate New York. Becky decides to join him as a vigilante until…
…Jet winds up killing Joe with the same garrote that was given to Joe by his grandfather. Becky becomes Jet’s next victim. Instead, she winds up killing Jet with the same garrote. Becky escapes to Central Park where she first met Joe.
While crossing the street, Becky gets hit by a van. Will Becky die, only to reincarnate to meet Joe again in another lifetime, so they can live forever?
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