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Lesson 16: Exchange feedback on Mastery Cycle 3
Post your assignment for feedback. You can also put a request for a feedback partner in this feed.
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27 Replies
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Lesson 16 Exchange
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing —
1. There are two elements to writing that are needed to make a great story: Structure and Technique. The “house” may be built strong and solid, but if it isn’t interesting, it’s not going to sell. Ditto for writing.
2. I’ve spent so much time trying to perfect the structure of my scripts, I’ve largely missed dressing them up and making them interesting. My greatest successes have been with the ones that were true or nearly true.
3. So, there’s the subtext bit already built into the inherently interesting characters. This course is helping me put all the puzzle pieces together — and break down my fear of producers.
4. I’m amazed at how many Interest Techniques I was able to squeeze into this scene without it looking and sounding “cornball.”
LOGLINE
Two polar-opposite individuals are ordered to work together on a project that ends in chaos.
ESSENCE:
Solidarity in the face of chaos
SCENE ARC:
From being forced together to:
Making a total mess out of the situation.
1. Nancy and Squire are ordered to work together.
2. Nancy and Squire argue over everything.
3. With their assignment in chaos, they make up.
NANCY: Traits
confrontational, stubborn, scheming, caring.
NANCY: Subtext
Nancy is a scheming lady who is covertly competitive with peers.
SQUIRE: Traits
evasive, selfish, happy-go-lucky, seductive.
SQUIRE: Subtext
Squire is a seductive guy who uses his charm to control others.
SCENE: Squire and Nancy – Second Draft
INT. PET STORE – DAY
A new pet store, Pet City, is scheduled to open in a couple of weeks, but the animals are still being housed in a state of total disarray.
The Manager has called Nancy and Squire into her office.
MANAGER
I need to run to the bank, so I’m leaving you two in charge while I’m gone.
NANCY AND SQUIRE
(simultaneously)
Yes, Ma’am.
MANAGER
Nancy, you seem to have an ordered, caring mind. I’d like for you to oversee the complete arranging of the pet quarters.
Nancy glances at Squire with her well-practiced air of superiority.
MANAGER
(to Squire)
And you, Squire, seem to be the helpful type, so I want you to assist Nancy with the moving and setup.
Squire just smiles and nods in approval.
MANAGER
Good. Go to it, then.
THE BACK AND EAST SIDES OF THE STORE
NANCY
I think it will be cool to arrange the animals Biblically. The manager will be certain to notice.
SQUIRE
Say what?
NANCY
You know, the fishes first and then the reptiles and birds — and cats and dogs.
SQUIRE
So which came first – dogs or cats?
NANCY
Cats, of course.
SQUIRE
Why cats?
NANCY
Cats are considered more female-like, and dogs are considered more male-like.
SQUIRE
Well, there goes your scheme, then. The way I heard it, Adam came first.
NANCY
Well, they got it wrong.
Squire laughs.
SQUIRE
That’s nuts.
NANCY
Have you never heard of parthenogenesis?
SQUIRE
What’s that?
NANCY
Virgin birth. Females don’t need males to reproduce – quite common in many animals.
SQUIRE
So where’s the fun in that?
NANCY
Never mind.
SQUIRE
And you still plan to put the cats and dogs together?
NANCY
Of course. Kind of natural, don’t you think?
SQUIRE
You’ll be s-o-r-r-y!
Squire reaches out and fondles Nancy’s hair.
NANCY
Squire! What the hell are you doing?
SQUIRE
Your hair is just as soft as it looks.
NANCY
I know. So stop it. You already have a wife.
SQUIRE
No, I don’t.
NANCY
Then where’d your kid come from?
SQUIRE
Maybe that thing you said?
NANCY
(disgusted)
Nice try. Nope. He looks like you, not her.
SQUIRE
Very well, but you’re missing out on all the fun.
NANCY
Want me to tell your – whatever – what you’re up to?
SQUIRE
Ahh—
NANCY
Yeah, and then who will be missing out on all the fun?
SQUIRE
If that’s the way you’re going to be about it. Never mind.
NANCY
Squire, you’re a pervert. Just move the damn fish tanks over there against the wall.
SQUIRE
Why there?
NANCY
Because I say so.
SQUIRE
Okay, but you don’t have to be so snarky about it. What’s in it for me?
LATER
The reptiles, rodents, and birds have been moved into place against the east wall, along with the fish tanks.
Squire is filling one of the tanks with filtered water, via a long hose.
Nancy is busy with the cats and dogs. But having the cats that close to the dogs is not working out well.
Nancy screams —
NANCY
Squire, come help me; the dogs are out.
Squire races to Nancy who is desperately trying to round up the dogs who have escaped their enclosure.
Some of the dogs have found the cat cages and have knocked them over.
Some of the cats have also gotten loose and are now being chased around the store by dogs.
LATER
One by one, Squire has managed to chase down and return the dogs to their now reinforced enclosure. But the fish tank has overflowed.
Squire rushes to turn off the water. It’s too late.
Bags of dog food on the floor are soaking up the water.
Bird cages have been overturned, letting the birds out, and one unperturbed cat is perched atop a bird cage finishing its finch dinner.
Nancy screams again —
NANCY
Where’s Kaa?
SQUIRE
Who is Kaa?
NANCY
The snake, you idiot.
SQUIRE
You’re afraid of snakes?
NANCY
Yes.
SQUIRE
You work in a pet store, and you’re afraid of snakes?
NANCY
Yes, yes, yes… just find that evil thing.
Squire’s shoes are already wet, but he moves things around – searches.
SQUIRE
Are you afraid of mice, too?
Nancy’s face goes pale.
NANCY
I hate mice.
SQUIRE
Good news. I found Kaa. He’s in the mouse cage.
(beat)
Bad news —
NANCY
Oh, God, no.
SQUIRE
When Kaa figured out how to open the mouse cage, he let all the mice out… well, all but one.
A mouse tail hangs out one side of Kaa’s mouth.
Nancy cries
LATER
Even with all the animals rounded up and returned to their cages and pens, the store is in chaos. Hundreds of dollars of product sit on the wet floor, ruined.
Nancy sits on an overturned cage – still cries.
NANCY
I’m so sorry I got you into this mess, Squire.
Squire sits down beside her and puts an arm around her.
SQUIRE
(chuckles)
So am I.
Nancy looks at Squire – laughs – wraps both arms around him – continues to laugh.
One can hear the front door open… close.
MANAGER (O.S.)
Shrieks.
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Good work, Alfred. I think you got nearly all the Part 2 Techniques and character traits/subtext in that scene. It took me a series of scenes to get all/most in.
Nancy, the competitive/efficient, caring one, Squire the happy-go-lucky/joker/seducer.
To me the initial hook would be putting a woman (Nancy) in charge of a man (Squire) who is her equal co-worker — it’s still a man’s world (as my draughtsman Mom used to say 60 years ago). Other than that I didn’t see any early hooks, though Nancy’s idea of arranging the animals according to the Bible/evolution was a hook, as well as showing her character traits competitive/organizer.
Insisting cats coming first, that showed Nancy’s stubbornness and confrontational traits.
And putting the cats and dogs close, with Squire saying she’ll be sorry, was a zinger — creating a future, anticipatory dialogue, prediction, some suspense (audience in a superior position knowing it probably won’t work out).
Good suspense was created and sustained first by the dogs getting out, then other animals getting loose.
Something unseen came in with the snake being lost somewhere in the store.
It was a cliff-hanger when the Manager arrives.
I couldn’t find “mystery,” except maybe as to whether Squire was married or not, but since so many other techniques had been included, mystery was unnecessary.
I don’t really have any strong criticisms. Maybe the seductive part was overdone, but not sure. There was a slight feel of this not being very “organic” (fitting together naturally as if meant to be) I think because of the assignment to put as many techniques and character traits in as possible. But I think it’s okay the way it is. And I even think “technique” supersedes “organic.”
Good for a humorous comedy. Sort of reminded me of Sam and Diane in CHEERS. BTW, I liked your story/scene better than the one Hal critiqued. Maybe because practical jokes turn me off, esp if they cause people to die or get a heart attack.
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You’ve really captured the chaos here and your dialogue seems much tighter than it used to be.
I can see the character traits emerging which is a revelation for me personally as to how it’s supposed to work; I never really understood the concept of being able to cover the name and still be able to tell who’s saying what.
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Alfred, You did a fun scene here. I really enjoyed it. I thought it was a kid’s story at first. The animals getting got was very well done.
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Lynn’s QE Cycle #3: REWRITE of Nancy and Squire Make a Mess Together
What I learned from rewriting this scene that is improving my writing is I could find some places to add more interest technique, but it made it a bit longer… but more interesting. It’s now almost like a short.
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LOGLINE: Nancy reinvestigates Squire’s case and it blows up.
ESSENCE: Nancy’s investigation twist-turns against Squire, then against Nancy.
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EXT./INT. CITY STREET/CAR – DAY
A car pulls over to the side in front of the Police Station. NANCY COLMES (29) in a sleek dress suit slides into
INT. THE CAR on the passenger side.
You wouldn’t know it was an unmarked police car, except for the interior: police lights on the rear and front windows, the radio/control board with knobs and buttons, the computer, and the stash of notepads and clipboards.
In the driver’s seat JOE SQUIRE (32), jacket-no-tie, gives her a quick smile.
SQUIRE: Let’s get this straight. I don’t need or want another partner. Anything else, like let’s go on a date, fine. (graucho raised brows, smile). [uncomfortable moment, seductive]
NANCY: The P.D. said I needed a partner to show me the ropes. And while I really wanted to get into investigation, I’m not exactly happy you’re the one to show me… [uncomfortable moment] But I can understand how you feel, or at least should feel, about Barb’s death… [hook, scheming, suspense, subtext: he’s selfish, not concerned about his previous partner]
SQUIRE: Leave Barb out of this. Internal Affairs cleared me of any part in her suicide, if that’s what you’re angling at. [mystery, change of character] She wasn’t my type and her affair was with someone else… Her husband thinks someone from Fulcrum, where she seemed to hang around a lot… [mystery, set-up] But outside her personal life, of which I knew nada, she was okay as a partner. I just don’t want go through this again. (stiff smile) [mystery, suspense – what is “this”?]
Nancy seems to be mulling, making mental notes of what he’s saying. [scheming]
NANCY: Well, I knew Barb, went to school with her, and it won’t be anything like that with me. At least not the way you describe it. [anticipatory dialogue, subtext: she doubts his story]
They sit in silence a while, then–
SQUIRE: So what made you want to leave patrol? I know, I know, (wink-smiles at her) [seductive] you have your masters in criminal justice with police academy training in detective work, top of class, so you’ll do well learning the ropes from me [subtext control: you’re the student, I’m the teacher]
He gives her an alluring smile [seductive], then he starts driving down the street as they talk.
NANCY: (facetious) Good job, Squire! On investigating me. [competitive – damning with faint praise] So, yes, I thought I might put my skills and education to better use.
SQUIRE: (flashing brows, sexual humor) And female intuition? [subtext control: put down]
NANCY: That, too. (strained smile) [subtext control, competitive: I have superior abilities]
SQUIRE: So what’ll it be, Dinky Donuts or Ranch Burgers? Great places to investigate. [happy-go-lucky]
Nancy gives him a sly glance as she pulls her note pad from her satchel purse. She pretends to read it.
NANCY: Fulcrum. We need to go to there.
SQUIRE: (shocked) But that suicide-murder investigation is long over. [fear, character change]
NANCY: Apparently not, according to Lieutenant Whitney. He told me to start there. [anticipatory dialogue]
SQUIRE: (looks daggers at her) He’s wrong. Must not have read the final report. [uncomfortable moment, hook] The guy was fired from Fulcrum Upholstery, had marital difficulties — he killed her, then himself. A typical case. (off her obstinate glare) It’s a one company town. He’d lost his only chance in life.
NANCY: But Whitney wants me to investigate the Fulcrum case. (turns on charm) Maybe just for practice. [scheming]
SQUIRE: We aren’t going there, Nance, if I may call you that. It’s out in the boonies. And that’s final.
NANCY: Then I’ll just have to go there myself. [Stubborn]
SQUIRE: (really worried) Okay, okay, M’am. But you’ll regret it. [anticipatory dialogue; dilemma for Squire, the better horn]
NANCY: And why’s that?
SQUIRE: For one thing, it’ll take time away from real cases. [contradiction=subtext mystery/suspense/creating a future – he wanted donuts]
NANCY: And?
He clams up with a grunt [mystery, creating a future] and they head out on a two -lane highway.
LATER
They pass ranches and barren land.
LATER
They see a small town in the distance and a big ugly industrial plant with smoking smokestacks. As they approach, a sign comes into view, “FULCRUM, pop. 359,” then the plant sign, “FULCRUM UPHOLSTERY.”
NANCY: Stop here at the plant.
SQUIRE: (freaked) Why?! The family of that couple is on the other side of town. [fear, mystery]
Squire drives past the plant entrance.
NANCY: Then I’ll just have to come out here myself. [stubborn, allusion to Barb’s story=suspense]
Squire does an angry donut on the road and heads in through the plant’s open gate. They get out at the office building. Nancy scrunches her noise, holds it, makes a “Phew” sound. [something unseen, but smelled]
INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY
THE MANAGER (50s), behind the desk. Nancy and Squire, in front.
MANAGER: That’s all I can tell you. We had to let him go. It’s unfortunate that he took it so hard.
Nancy is scribbling notes. She’s LEFT-HANDED [set-up]. Squire is trying to look bored, dithering on nervous [mystery — why?].
MANAGER (CONT’D): (rising) So if there’s anything else I can help you with…
Squire stands, but Nany remains seated.
NANCY: What I don’t understand is there’s no termination notice and his family says they weren’t aware he was fired.
MANAGER: (upset) He probably threw it in the trash… Now I really have some important work…
Nancy jots down her final notes, closes her notebook, and gets up.
NANCY: So what is it you manufacture? Upholstery?
As they walk out the door into
THE CORRIDOR
the manager explains.
MANAGER: Not exactly. We manufacture the D.E.H.P. that goes into making upholstery and other products. (off Nancy’s questioning look) Di-2-ethylhexyl-phthalate. It’s what makes synthetic materials soft and pliable. [hook, creating a future, something unseen. Why is the plant called by the innocuous name Fulcrum Upholstery?]
He gives her a stiff smile, and backs away to leave.
NANCY: And, of course, you’d have a copy of the termination notice.
The manager turns heel and strides down the corridor. [creating a future, hook, uncomfortable moment, mystery]
SQUIRE: Nice work, Nance. You just severed our most important tie to the community here.
Nancy gawks a shocked face. [hook… why is Squire siding with the manager, why is he not interested in important case details?]
SQUIRE: (sassy) So now I suppose you’ll want to meet the parents.
INT. SMALL RANCH-STYLE HOUSE – DAY
THE MOTHER and FATHER (60ish) sit in arm chairs, Squire and Nancy on the sofa, Squire looking bored.
NANCY: (scrunching her nose) The factory smell is pretty bad. You even get a bit of it here.
FATHER: That’s what we call the sweet smell of money. [something unseen, but smelled]
Nancy nods, looks down at the report, then up at the parents.
NANCY: Now, according to the report you said you didn’t know anything about your son John being fired.
MOTHER: We hadn’t been on good speaking terms with John and Sarah, our daughter-in-law, for several months before they passed. (grief sob)
FATHER: (harsh) This is a one-company town. You can’t buck the company. Likely John WAS fired. That’s all I’m gonna say. [mystery, hiding something ?]
Seems the father may be hiding something. Nancy studies him.
NANCY: Now I understand they had a baby. Are you the guardians?
MOTHER: No, Meg, his sister is. She knows more about John and his wife. They were close.
Nancy flips through the report, then glances at Squire with slight astonishment.
NANCY: Seems Meg wasn’t interviewed… Do you have her phone number and address. (sly superiority glance at Squire) [competitive, thinks she’s better than Squire]
The Mother goes to the dining table and writes down the info. Squire gets very worried and stands.
SQUIRE: This isn’t necessary, Nance. We need to get back and deal with real cases.
NANCY: And donuts? [subtext – I’m thorough, you’re sloppy and too happy-go-lucky]
Squire’s at the door, Nancy stands in place. They wait. The Mother comes and hands the note to Nancy.
INT. CAR – DAY
Squire and Nancy are driving on Fulcrum’s small town street when the radio buzzes.
WHITNEY (O.S., RADIO): Lieutenant Whitney here… Sergeant Squire, I see you and Corporal Colmes are in Fulcrum. Why did you go there when the case was closed? [surprise, twist, uncomfortable moment, creating a future]
Squire in total shock stops the car and turns to Nancy. She puts on her hard face.
NANCY: Lieutenant Whitney, Sir, I found some holes in the report and thought they should be investigated.
Squire is about to blow his top then Whitney responds.
WHITNEY (O.S., RADIO): Good work, Corporal. I myself had questions. Proceed then…
The radio off, Squire turns to Nancy in hot rage.
SQUIRE: You-you, bitch. You think you can outdo everyone. This case is now officially closed and we’re headed home. [mystery why he’s so angry]
NANCY: Not until we interview the sister! [creating a future, anticipatory dialogue]
INT. A DIFFERENT RANCH-STYLE HOUSE – DAY
A smaller home. MEG (24) on the sofa, Nancy and Squire in plastic lawn chairs.
MEG: My brother wasn’t fired to my knowledge. And he and Sarah, his wife, were getting along as well as could be, considering…
A baby’s CRY. [something unseen]
NANCY: Is that their baby?
MEG: Yes.
NANCY: Can I see it?
MEG: I don’t know… Well, okay.
She rises and goes, Nancy following, leaving her satchel and Squire behind [set-up], into
A BEDROOM
Meg lifts the ANENCEPHALIC BABY (6 months, small, flattish head) from the crib. [surprise, uncomfortable moment]
Nancy extends her arms, holding back her discomfort. Meg transfers the baby to her. Nancy coos and smiles at the baby [caring]
They head back into
THE LIVING ROOM
Nancy gives the baby back to Meg. They sit down
NANCY: You were talking about your brother and his wife’s marital problems [scheming – she knows Meg didn’t say that]
MEG: No, what I meant is they were getting on fine. It’s that they were worried about the baby’s anencephalic brain deformity. (she rocks the baby) He thought it might have been caused by Fulcrum Upholstery operations. Also the cancers. Quite a few in Fulcrum. [mystery, hook]
SQUIRE: Well, he isn’t a scientist–
MEG: That’s what he said, so he got the company to hire one. But the scientist said Fulcrum’s population was way too small to make any determination, but–
SQUIRE: See–
MEG: But my brother wasn’t satisfied. [hook/mystery-did brother investigate further?] He was a perfectionist, a good worker. [twist – good worker, fired?]
NANCY: (stands). Well, thanks for your time and we hope something can be done for the baby.
Squire also gets up, relieved it’s over, and they head to the door.
EXT./INT. CAR ON A COUNTRY ROAD – DAY
They drive in silence as the town receded in the background. Nancy surfaces the net on her cell. Then she looks up at Squire.
NANCY: D.E.P.H. is linked to anencephaly AND cancer. (off Squire’s shrug) Maybe the company felt he knew too much. It could be a double murder, not a murder-suicide. [creating a future, mystery]
SQUIRE: (tight smile) Good work, Nance. You’re a better detective than me. [allusion to her competitiveness]
Squire makes an abrupt turn onto a dirt road. [suspense]
NANCY: (alarmed) Where are we going?
SQUIRE: I have something to show you before we leave these boonies. (wink-smiles at her) [charm to control, seductive] Don’t worry I’m not about to seduce you. You’re not my type. (another smile)
Well off the highway, he stops the car and gets out. Nancy exits her side and looks around.
NANCY: There’s nothing here. What is it you have to show me?
Squire pulls a gun on Nancy. [surprise, cliffhanger, suspense]
SQUIRE: Your gun. I took it while you were in the bedroom. [payoff]
He shoots her in the head, blood and brains splattering. She falls to the ground dead.
SQUIRE: Why-o-why do these suicides keep happening?
He wipes the gun and pushes it into her RIGHT hand. [cliff-hanger for Squire/story & payoff re her left-handedness]
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Terrific script. I misread street/car as “streetcar” (don’t see many of those anymore). LOL. But that would make a good interesting setting, too. But a police car? That’s even better. I liked many of your choices for words to describe (shows good vocabulary), and introducing the anencephalic baby into the mix was brilliant. Finally, the ending was totally unexpected. Good Cliffhanger. And yes, you did get the IT’s in there! The storyline did pull me through clear to the end.
I tried to work a hook into mine, but couldn’t. The Mystery was where the snake was, but I don’t think it worked, due to the somewhat constricted scene. And I don’t think I left enough time for it to find the mouse cage, but — maybe after the 69th read-through I would have caught it??? Thanks for the critique.
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I still feel that a lot of the dialogue is in full sentences which, to me, slows the scene down.
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Thanks, Jeremy. I reduced some of the dialogue, put it in fragments when possible.
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Hi Lynn, Squire sure is a dick and he sure knows more than he’s letting on. This was very well done.
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LOGLINE: Two reluctant partners are teamed together to do a job.
ESSENCE: Partners pulling in different directions will end badly
INTERESTING SITUATIONS: defuse a bomb; paint a room; stop a leak in a submarine/nuclear reactor; land an aeroplane; pitch a tent; escape zombies; trapped in a flooding mine.INT. FLOODED MINE SHAFT, PUMP HOUSE
INTERCOM
Surface here. Who’s in charge down there?
NANCY
(quickly)
That’ll be me.
SQUIRE
I thought I
NANCY
(firmly)
Me!
SQUIRE
(beat)
Yeah whatever.
NANCY
Do you have a problem with that? Wait a minute have you put in?
SQUIRE
Not really my bag.
NANCY
You bloody well have, haven’t you!
INTERCOM
We can’t get through. You’ll have to identify the source and
The lights flicker and go out. Dim emergency lights come on casting a weak glow. Squire twiddles with the knobs on the speaker then hits it a blow.
SQUIRE
Cheap fucks haven’t maintained the back-up battery. Nope I’m fine. So what’s the plan…boss?
NANCY
We need
SQUIRE
We need to close that valve before we drown. I’d guess at the rate the water’s rising we’ve got about thirty minutes tops.
NANCY
I’d say longer…maybe an hour.
SQUIRE
Whatever. Do you want me to clear some of the debris away so that we can see what we’ve got?
NANCY
Exactly. Let’s go.
Nancy and Squire start man-handling fallen debris. Squire climbs up on a large piece to reach smaller pieces.
NANCY
Be careful. That lot looks unstable.
SQUIRE
(grins)
If it falls on top of me I’ll sure you’ll rescue me.
NANCY
I don’t want to have to rescue you.
SQUIRE
Pity…I was looking forwards to a bit of mouth-to-mouth.
Nancy takes hold of the largest remaining piece wrestles the last bit free.
SQUIRE
Wait it’s heavy. Let
NANCY
I can do it!
SQUIRE
I know but
Squire reaches out to take a grip of the load.
NANCY
(struggling)
I told you I can do it!
SQUIRE
(admiringly)
I know you can girl but
Nancy slams the debris to the ground narrowly missing Squire’s foot. He jumps aside.
NANCY
(gasps)
There I told you.
Squire is down on the ground looking at a gap in the debris.
SQUIRE
You know I reckon I could
Nancy pushes Squire aside.
NANCY
Let me see.
Nancy wriggles a little way in.
NANCY (cont’d)
I can see the valve panel and
SQUIRE
And just beside it the elevator! Let me
NANCY
Oh no Jose…as soon as you get there you’ll be away back to the surface like Flynn and leave me to
SQUIRE
No way. It’s just…can you turn the valve?
NANCY
I’m in charge! You heard the man! Give me that spanner!
Squire hands Nancy the spanner.
SQUIRE
It was a robot.
NANCY
Well yes…but a senior robot.
Nancy starts wriggling down the narrow passage.
NANCY
Watch me.
SQUIRE
Mmmm…I am.
Nancy wriggles back and stands.
NANCY
Were you looking at my arse?
SQUIRE
I couldn’t really help it.
NANCY
I order you not to look at my arse.
SQUIRE
I can’t really not if you go first.
NANCY
Right…well I order you to go first.
SQUIRE
That’s what
NANCY
Don’t you backchat me. Get in there…now.
SQUIRE
Yes Maam.
Squire squeezes himself into the gap. The debris pile shudders and shifts as he wriggles his way deeper. He stops.
SQUIRE
I’m stuck.
NANCY
Stop fecking around. This water’s quicker than I thought. Soon we’ll not be able to use the tunnel unless you want to grow gills.
SQUIRE
No seriously
NANCY
I order you to come back.
Squire squirms a bit more.
SQUIRE
Nope it’s settled behind me I
NANCY
(furiously)
That’s your big fat arse. Get back here before you drown!
SQUIRE
Hey! I don’t
NANCY
Well go forward then.
Squire struggles the debris pile shifts again.
SQUIRE
(grunting)
Nope…I…can’t. It’s settling behind me.
NANCY
You can. Just stop the flow and we’ll figure the rest out later. Go on!
SQUIRE
But you’ll be struck?
NANCY
I’m already stuck here. Stop the bloody flow or we’ll both die. We can sort the rest out later.
SQUIRE
(pause)
You’re right.
Squire gives a wriggle, a squirm, and as the debris pile closes behind him he pops free.
SQUIRE
I’m out. I’m by the panel. Where’s the spanner?
NANCY
(weakly)
Here.
SQUIRE
Where!
NANCY
Here…I forgot.
The sound of the elevator doors opening and closing then…the sound of water rising.
Nancy sits down in the water. It’s over her waist when she sits.
NANCY
Fuck this. I’m toastThe sound of the elevator returning on the other side of the debris field causes Nancy to sit up – then the sound stops and the lights flicker.
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Gripping scene. Got most of the character traits. Not sure what “put in” means here, perhaps getting drunk? It would fit Squire’s happy-go-lucky.
The hook and suspense (disaster brewing) were quite strong throughout. Plenty of predictions, dilemma, mystery, something unseen, creating a future, anticipatory dialogue and uncomfortable moments.
A good cliff-hanger.
You got it all in!
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Thought you did a great job with the interest techniques. I think you could put more work into incorporating all of the core traits more often instead of focusing on one or two. And yeah, the “covertly competitive” aspect of Nancy’s subtext is very hard to show. I think some of it is dependent on the actor’s performance and the directing, rather than the writing. But I could be wrong.
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Hi Jeremy, You did a great job here. The descriptions really helped see what was going on. Great job on dialog as well.
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Lesson 16, QE Cycle #3 – Draft 2 (after watching the video critique). I tried to use all 5 challenges and all 9 new interest techniques, as well as some of the previous 10. And this time, I really tried to focus even more on aligning EVERY line of dialogue with their core traits and subtext. Led to some interesting changes. Let me know if I succeeded. And totally down if anyone wants to exchange critiques!
Logline: Two graduate students go head-to-head after being forced to work on a project together to make a standard anti-gravity device
Essence: Nancy needs to prove herself, by any means necessary.
INT. CALTECH SCIENCE LAB 4 – DAY
A blinding flash of silver light fills everything, then recedes.
Dozens and dozens of futuristic machines and equipment fill the space, all sorts of lights flicker, and a steady electrical hum seeps out of the lighting on the ceiling.
NANCY (24, all business) lifts her goggles off her eyes and turns to her lab partner.
NANCY Well? What you’re waiting for? Hit it!
SQUIRE (24, if Starlord were a scientist) looks around the room and then at her. He seems confused.
SQUIRE I mean… I just did?
Now it’s Nancy’s turn to be perplexed.
NANCY Fuck. What did you do?
SQUIRE What do you mean? I did what you said.
NANCY I bet– Did you finish setting the coils like I showed you?
Squire takes off his own goggles and looks away from her.
SQUIRE Nancy, we’ve been through this. I’m not an idiot.
NANCY Show me.
Nancy grabs the weird, buzzing, metallic contraption in front of them. She pulls it apart, into two formerly conjoined halves. The buzzing sound stops.
Nancy looks at her own half.
NANCY You check my core, I’ll check your facilitator.
Squire takes a step back. He seems amused.
SQUIRE That’s what she said.
She looks at his half. Impressive. She examines a wire.
NANCY It seems… okay. But we can’t try again until we figure out what’s wrong.
SQUIRE Second time’s a charm–what’s the worst that could happen?
NANCY This isn’t a joke, Squire. We’re not making a toaster here. If you fuck this up, all bets are off. We could both die. Or worse.
Squire finds this even funnier.
SQUIRE What’s worse than dying? Dying twice?
NANCY (just loud enough so he hears) Seeing the person you care about most get beaten into a coma.
SQUIRE Dark. I thought you were gonna say “dying three times”.
Nancy glares at him.
SQUIRE Get it? Cause I said “dying twice”, so you would say-
NANCY It’s thrice.
SQUIRE Right! And what if we get caught in an endless time loop and start dying over and over again? That’s way worse than dying once. Or twice. Or thrice.
She’s definitely not in the mood.
SQUIRE Relax. Dr. Horton said we have all weekend. We shouldn’t rush. Wanna go get some drinks instead?
NANCY No, yeah, that’s a great idea. Let’s get some alcohol in our bodies and then try again.
SQUIRE That’s the spirit!
NANCY Let’s impair our judgment, fine motor skills, and reflexes, and then try to defeat gravity.
SQUIRE Come on, you deserve a break.
NANCY Then you go. It’s not like my entire future depends on us building this.
Squire gets it finally. He smiles at her.
SQUIRE No, you’re right. We’re in this together.
NANCY Not by choice. Horton seems to think we’ll reach a higher purpose or something. If we work together.
INT. PROFESSOR HORTON’S OFFICE – DAY
DR. HORTON (60s, and smarmy) watches intently into his LAPTOP. Several windows on the screen. All show different CCTV angles of Nancy and Squire in the lab right this very moment. The rolling timecode in camera two’s window shows APRIL/23/2042/11:02:54. Then, APRIL/23/2042/11:02:55.
Horton leans in to hear what Squire is about to say.
Squire approaches Nancy and looks deep into her eyes. Lightly presses his hand on hers.
SQUIRE He paired us up cause you and I, we’re the class superstars.
Horton glances at a couple of files open on his desk, and then types something up on his futuristic tablet.
INT. CALTECH SCIENCE LAB 4 – DAY
Nancy abruptly removes her hand. There is a flush of red on her cheekbones. Squire is a very attractive guy. In a golden retriever kind of way.
NANCY Please, do not equate my intellect with your charm.
SQUIRE You think I’m charming.
NANCY I most certainly do not.
SQUIRE You do, you just said it.
NANCY You think you’re charming.
Squire smiles.
SQUIRE I bet you that my half of the anti-gravity circuit scores better than yours.
Nancy is intrigued but tries not to show it.
NANCY That’s laughable.
SQUIRE You know what’s funny, when people say laughable, instead of just… laughing.
NANCY I knew you were a gambler.
Squire flushes a wide smile.
SQUIRE If I win, you go on a date with me.
NANCY That’s absurd. Absolutely not.
SQUIRE So you think I’ll win.
She has him right where she wants him.
She thrusts out her hand.
NANCY Deal. But when I beat your ass, you tell me how you got into this program in the first place.
Squire takes her hand into his and shakes it gently.
SQUIRE Hard work and good grades.
He gives her the biggest shit-eating grin in the history of the planet and wipes his model-gorgeous hair out of his eyes. What a douchebag.
He takes her hand and pulls her in front of his half of the device. She jerks her hand back.
SQUIRE I think I actually need to reverse the polarity of these coils.
Nancy is taken aback.
NANCY That’s… That’s not-
SQUIRE I already set them like you showed me. But if we reverse their poles, it could actually increase the magnetic field by as much as 33%. Horton’s gonna cream his pants.
NANCY 48% actually. But… This might work.
She throws him a weird look.
SQUIRE Don’t gotta look that surprised.
NANCY No, it’s… Why didn’t I think of that?
Squire grins.
SQUIRE Maybe you’re not as intellectual as you thought.
NANCY Shut up. Look. You missed the connections on the facilitator.
She uses a futuristic welding gun to carefully melt and connect the joints on the facilitator that Squire missed.
SQUIRE Nice. Thanks for catching that.
NANCY Nice try. Now you do the other one.
She offers him the tool. Squire reluctantly takes it.
SQUIRE Uhm. Welding’s never been my thing.
NANCY You’re about to graduate with a master’s in Applied Quantum Physics from the number one school in the country.
SQUIRE Can you please do this? For me?
He offers the welding gun back.
NANCY Maybe I should let you fail.
SQUIRE If I fail, we both fail.
Nancy takes a moment to think. Fuck. He’s right. But there is only one way out of this quagmire. She grabs the tool.
NANCY Fine, move.
She crouches down over his half of the project. Forcefully aims the welding gun down at the joint. Makes contact.
NANCY 1… 2… 3…
SQUIRE (under his breath) Go. For. The knee.
Nancy freezes.
NANCY What did you say?
Squire pauses.
SQUIRE Nothing.
NANCY No, you just said something. Go for the knee.
SQUIRE Oh. Yeah it’s nothing. Just one of those things you learn in preschool.
She turns her attention to the connection. Her hands shake.
NANCY So did you grow up around here?
SQUIRE Yeah, Eastside. Los Feliz, born and bred.
NANCY Same.
SQUIRE Small world.
She welds part of the second connection. Her knuckles are white.
NANCY It’s kind of dark, you know.
SQUIRE Eastside? Nah. I’m from the good part.
NANCY (her voice shaking) 1-2-3, go for the knee. It’s dark. For a preschooler. Don’t you think?
SQUIRE Oh. Yeah, it’s fucked up. Like all kids are gonna repeat it. You know, that’s what we’re primed to do.
Nancy pretends to focus on her work, but her attention is elsewhere.
SQUIRE We’re pack animals. We follow our leader… even when he’s evil.
NANCY You say that like you have experience.
SQUIRE Yeh. Something like that. Tried to block it out. Kind of what made me wanna come here. Studying the nature of reality makes me feel less important.
NANCY What you do affects everything around you. Free will is real, until the moment we make a choice. And that choice takes away other people’s free will.
Squire thinks about that.
NANCY For example, what is there preventing me from taking this welding gun, and burning a hole through your temple?
INT. PROFESSOR HORTON’S OFFICE – DAY
Dr. Horton leans in. His eyes hanging over Nancy’s words on the screen of his laptop.
NANCY Just like there’s nothing preventing a pack of preschoolers from maiming a father. Life isn’t random–it’s fucked.
Squire glances at the welding gun in her hand. It’s dangerously close to his face.
NANCY I can change my reality-and yours- with just a simple flick of my wrist. Just like you and your friends-your packmates-did to my father.
Nancy puts the welding gun down and picks up the coil. Squire slowly pieces this together.
NANCY But I’m not like you.
Horton smiles. Sick bastard.
INT. CALTECH SCIENCE LAB 4 – DAY
Squire is hit by the memory of that day.
Nancy carefully reverses the coil’s orientation.
SQUIRE But. But he killed Gwyneth Poultry…
The mention of that name is like a slap in Nancy’s face.
She accidentally touches the coil to the wrong part of the facilitator.
Electricity crackles.
The facilitator on the table makes a hollow noise, and in a fraction of a second propels itself towards Nancy’s nearby “perfect” core, just barely missing her hand.
The magnetic pull unites the two halves as one.
As the device begins to attract other loose metallic objects onto it, the two grad students only have a fraction of a second of recognition in each others’ eyes, but it’s long enough to know they fucked up big time.
A blinding flash of silver light fills everything, then recedes.
Dozens and dozens of futuristic machines and equipment fill the space, all sorts of lights flicker, and a steady electrical hum seeps out of the lighting on the ceiling.
Nancy lifts her goggles off her eyes and turns to Squire.
NANCY Well? What you’re waiting for? Hit it!
Squire looks around the room and then at her. He seems confused.
SQUIRE I mean… I just did?
Now it’s Nancy’s turn to be perplexed.
NANCY Fuck. What did you do?
SQUIRE What do you mean? I did what you said.
NANCY I bet– Did you finish setting the coils like I showed you?
Squire takes off his own goggles and looks away from her.
SQUIRE Nancy, we’ve been through this. I’m not an idiot.
NANCY Show me.
Nancy grabs the weird, buzzing, metallic contraption in front of them. She pulls it apart, into two formerly conjoined halves. The buzzing sound stops.
Nancy looks at her own half.
NANCY You check my core, I’ll check your facilitator.
Squire takes a step back. He seems amused.
SQUIRE That’s what she said.
She looks at his half. Impressive. She examines a wire.
NANCY It seems… okay. But we can’t try again until we figure out what’s wrong.
SQUIRE Second time’s a charm–what’s the worst that could happen?
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Interesting situation and hitting character traits. Subtext I’m not sure but I hope to have a better feel for it next scene so I’ll get you next critique.
I think a few more interest techniques could be squeezed in – again I think that needs to be addressed much earlier in the process, possibly at the speed draft phase?
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Thanks Jeremy. Which interest techniques would you say are missing?
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* Sorry I’m a little late on this. If anyone wants to exchange feedback, that’d be great. I’m gonna read through all the scenes today.
LOGLINE: A newly hired political consultant joins the campaign manager to promote their candidate on a talk show.
ESSENCE: Squire uses his seductive charm to control Nanacy
INT. GREEN ROOM, TV STUDIO
NANCY (40s) paces the room, intently studying her index cards. She’s a campaign manager for a Presidential candidate.
MAN (o.s.): Cramming for the S-A-T’s?
Flustered, the cards spurt out of her hands.
N: Ah, Jesus fucking Christ!
SQUIRE (50s) ambles into the room, debonair and carefree. He’s a newly hired consultant for the same candidate.
S: Memory serves, I scored 90 points higher than you. (beat) Intelligence is the greatest aphrodisiac… as you well know. (winks)
Nancy picks up her index cards, fuming that he’s here- these two have a history. She springs to her feet.
N: Heard you got hired- God knows why- but lemme set things straight: I am the campaign manager. Capische? I call the shots, not some two-bit ‘consultant.’ Do NOT step on my toes.
S: Well, to be fair, that would be payback for Philly.
She glares at him.
S: Hey, it’s not my fault you can’t dance.
N: You know, it’s… I actually did care about you at one time. Hmph. Mea culpa.
S: Oh, we’re doing Latin now? How ’bout ‘veni, vidi, vici?’ (smirks)
N: Caeser got stabbed, so…
Cross her fingers emphatically as a young production assistant strolls in with a clipboard and headset.
PA: You guys are up.
Squire gestures grandly for Nancy to lead the way.
N: I don’t need your permission to take the lead.
And sashays toward the set. Squire admires the view of her ass.
N: Just back me up and be professional. Pretend we’re a team.
S: In bed.
N (whirls around): What?!
S: Oh, c’mon. You never read a fortune cookie? You always end it with ‘in bed.’
N: Ugh, you’re neauseating. (a beat). In bed.
And grins as she enters the set.
TV STUDIO.
Nancy and Squire take their seats next to the attractive co-hosts.
FEMALE HOST: Thank you both for being here. And congratulations, Squire, on your recent hire.
S: I look forward to working under Miss Blythe. I know she likes to be on top- call the shots- and I’m perfectly fine with that.
MALE HOST: So let’s talk about Philadelphia.
S: Whoa! Seriously? What, you heard us backstage? Wow, that’s crazy! And honestly, kind of a turn-on.
N: No, idiot. The convention.
S: Oh- right. Mea culpa. Sorry, I… what was I thinking? No one wants to hear about our sex lives.
N: Ohmigod.
MALE HOST: Uh, think we’ve gotten off topic.
FEMALE HOST: Hold on- inquiring minds… spill a lil’ tea, Squire.
S: Okay, so, there we were…
N: No! What are you doing?!
S: Answering her question. Be professional.
N: Okay, no. This is not happening.
S: … It was a dark and stormy night…
She reaches over and grabs for the mike on his suit jacket.
S: Yep, this is exactly how Philly started.
N: Can we go to commercial? Please.
She rips his mike off. He retaliates, snatching hers off her blouse. Wait- did he just cop a feel? Nancy slaps his hand. Squire feigns ignorance.
Enraged, she lunges at him- they tumble off the chair, onto the floor- the hosts leap to their feet, startled- Nancy straddles Squire, throwing haymakers at a bemused Squire. A complete and utter shit show.
S (to the hosts): Told you she likes to be on top.
Nancy punches him in the face as the screen goes BLACK.
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I’m not seeing you hitting Nancy’s subtext but, to be fair, I don’t think any of us have.
Squire is certainly using his charm to wind her up so you got him.
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Love this scene! The only tiny comment I have is the “covertly” part of Nancy’s subtext. I struggled with that too. It’s hard to insinuate being competitive, rather than showing it openly. Also, I think a lot of it might actually come from the actor’s choices for delivery. So there’s that too. Great job. I see all of the interest techniques as well!
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Good job, but I think Squire’s seductive remarks might be cut perhaps even in half with the same effect. The whole thing on stage was an embarrassing moment par excellence.
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Lessons 14, 15, 16
Max Entertainment Part 2 Skills (dramatic character traits, challenging situations, interest techniques)
SITUATION: Two people who don’t trust each other are teamed up to do a job.
SCENE ARC: From: being forced together
To: making a total mess out of the situation
SCENE LOGLINE: Nancy and Squire are assigned to build and erect the set for the upcoming community play, “Arsenic and Old Lace.”
SCENE ESSENCE: What is forced together in distrust will end in disaster.
SCENE:
INT: MUNICIPAL AUDITORIUM STAGE, CHESTER, NE – DAY
Rehearsals for the community play, “Arsenic and Old Lace,” are underway, directed by Mr. Ike Sperling (75), a retired high school history teacher and debate coach.
He gives notes to the cast who are sitting on the lip of the stage.
SPERLING: Jonathan, remember when you enter through the stage right window, that you also have to crawl over the window box.
Steve (45) a homely, dark complexioned, bearded man, 6’6”, who is playing the role of Jonathan Brewster, a convict, retorts.
STEVE: It would be nice if there was an actual window and window box to crawl over. Hook
When are we going to have an actual set rather than chalk lines on the floor?
Nancy Turner (32) a shapely blonde, wearing a red tube top, blue jean short-shorts and flip-flops, enters in a huff. Hands on her hips, she rudely looks the cast over after she presents a paper to Mr. Sperling. Confrontational
Mr. Sperling scans the paper. A slight smirk crosses his face.
SPERLING: Well Steve, looks like your wish has come true. It appears that Miss Turner here owes our fine community significant hours of Judge ordered service.
Moans, groans and jeers from the cast.
NANCY: Oh, shut up! Uncomfortable Moment
Terry Meyer places his hands on his hips and sways while strutting across stage, imitating a sexually provacitive female.
MEYER: So little Miss “I get away with everything because my daddy’s a cop” fem fatale finally got caught with the wacky weed! Woo! Woo!
NANCY: High School was a long time ago. Wound
MEYER: I play the role of Dr. Spinalzo! Ain’t that a hoot!
NANCY: (sarcastically) Wow, I’m so impressed.
MR. SPERLING: Miss Turner, I’m so glad you came in today. My set crew seems to have crapped out on me, so I’m assigning you to help MR. Knox erect the set since he also owes the county significant community service. He’s down in the basement, repairing and painting flats, as we speak.
NANCY: Not Squire Knox.
MR. SPERLING: Problem?
NANCY: Well…like…you know…
Delia Dinklage (35) a dowdy, plain Jane, with mousy brown hair, emits a high-pitched giggle.
DINKLAGE: Don’t you remember? Nancy was engaged to the handsome, wealthy, misogynistic Squire Knox and she’d never have to work a day in her life…until…
Barb Hershey (35) A matronly Middle School English teacher, who is lightly overweight, finishes Delia’s sentence…
HERSHEY: …until she caught “Mr. Right” (draws air quotes) in the athletic equipment closet with the student teacher, Miss Pistalka! Remember? Uncomfortable Moment
The actors shake their heads in agreement and snicker, relishing Nancy’s discomfort.
NANCY: (to Sperling) I refuse to work with that slob! I hate his guts! Needs, Stubborn
Mr. Sperling ignores Nancy’s outburst.
MR. SPERLING: You will have the weekend to get the set built and erected. Dress rehearsal is Monday. Here’s the set diagram. (unfolds the paper and points) Interior set with window and window box down stage right, fireplace upstage center and stairs to the basement, down left.
Mr. SPERLING: (Cont.) Teddy, learn how to get noise out of that old trumpet by Monday. Cast and crew, have a good weekend and remember no book, no prompt, Monday at 7 p.m. Bring costumes and personal makeup cases.
The actors and crew hurriedly leave the auditorium. Car doors slam outside and vehicle engines squeal tires on the loose gravel parking lot as they leave.
Mr. Sperling walks out, leaving Nancy to study the set drawings. Goal
SEVERAL BEATS
A LOUD CLICK
The stage goes black. The house lights flicker and go black. Nancy screams.
The spotlight located in the balcony, snaps on. A round ball of blue light spills onto center stage and moves up to light the backdrop.
A SOFT NASAL VOICE: E.T. phone h-o-m-e.
NANCY: You damned idiot, Squire Knox. Knock it off. You are too old for this bullshit! Confrontational
The spot light moves to encase Nancy’s form. Blinded by the bright light, Nancy moves to her right. The spotlight follows. She jumps onto the stage. The spot follows. Nancy disappears behind a teaser. Stubborn
MULTIPLE CLICKS. One by one the overhead ellipsoidals and fernels illuminate the main acting areas.
CLICK
The stage lights go black. Nancy is in total darkness again.
NANCY: Your damned games aren’t funny anymore
SQUIRE: Everybody but you relishes my sense of humor, not to mention my delectable, irresistible charm. Charm, Happy-go-lucky
BEAT
NANCY: Did you bring your tools?
SQUIRE: I always carry my tools with me, sweetheart. Seductive
NANCY: I’m not referring to your junk!
SQUIRE: Yew! That hit below the belt.
NANCY: Good. How much of the set is ready to go up? Goal
SQUIRE: Most of it. Evasive
NANCY: I don’t believe you. Values, Distrust
SQUIRE: You know me too well. Actually, I enticed a few urchins to help out. Control Others
FOOTSTEPS are heard coming up the basement stairs. A group of high school students appear, chattering, giggling and carrying various set pieces.
A female student ascends the stairs to the balcony where Squire is seated.
STUDENT #1: Did we do good, Mr. Knox?
SQUIRE: Call me Squire. Come closer. Seductive
The girl approaches Squire. He grabs her and bends her backward and plants a prolonged, Hollywood Kiss. After he lets go of her, she runs back to her friends, embarrassed and shaking from mild trauma. Selfish? Seductive
STUDENT # 2 (male): Hey, Knox, just so you hold up your end of our bargain.
Nancy approaches one of the girls.
NANCY: What has Squire Knox promised you for building and painting the set for him?
STUDENT # 3 (female) We can’t tell.
NANCY: Beer?
The students giggle nervously.
NANCY: Where is the party going to be? Barney’s bottom?
STUDENT #1 (female) How’d you know?
NANCY: Some things never change.
BEAT
NANCY: (Cont.) Squire Knox, how could you? Character Change
SQUIRE(still from the balcony) What? Selfish
NANCY: Corrupt these kids. Just because you and I are spending our summer doing community service doesn’t mean they should. They’re just kids. Caring
SQUIRE: They aren’t doing anything we didn’t do…
NANCY: …and look how we turned out. These kids deserve better.
SQUIRE: What do you suggest? Gonna invite ‘em all to your house? Dilemma
NANCY: I’ll think on it.
Nancy pulls the main curtain shut. Instructs the kids where to position each flat and how to brace them. Two of the tallest boys take charge with screwing the flats together. The girls tack curtains over the window. An old trunk suffices for a window seat. The fireplace is manhandled into place as are the stair steps. Nancy talks quietly so Squire can’t eavesdrop by turning on the sound system.
NANCY: Don’t you guys think Barney’s Bottom will be the first place the cops are going to look?
STUDENT #2: She has a point. Dilemma
STUDENT #3: So…what do we do? I can’t afford no MIP. My old man would kill me.
STUDENT #1: Mine too.
NANCY: Ever thought of Baker’s grove? It is close to my house and I will chaperone and drive you home. Prediction
The kids nod in agreement.
NANCY: (Cont.) A little mouse told me that only Squire Knox’s name appears on the program under Set Design and Construction. Is that true?
STUDENT # 1: Yep. I typed the programs. Mr. Knox told me not to add your name since you hadn’t done any work yet. Selfish
NANCY: Good. Here’s the plan. Anticipatory Dialogue, Scheming, Cliff hanger?
INT: MUNICIPAL AUDITORIUM – Night
Dress rehearsal. Nervous energy is running high. Back stage buzzes with activity. The actors are in full makeup and costume. Some are running lines. The crew is testing headsets and coordinating with the light and sound crews in the balcony. Hope/Fear
The house is dark and empty except for Mr. Sperling, the Mayor, three councilmen and a couple of donors.
The curtain opens. Suspense
The stage lights come up slowly.
The set has been repainted with neon purple and green stripes. Reveal
The sparse audience gasps. Surprise
MR. SPERLING: My God! What is this? Who did it? Mystery
BEAT
Mr. Sperling (to the Mayor) Squire Knox’s ass is grass!
Mayor: (laughing) It is rather colorful. Intrigue ?
Barb Hersey (as Abby Brewster) begins her first lines as Delia Dinklage (as Martha Brewster) fetches another biscuit for their guest, Terry Meyer (as Dr. Spinolzo) at the table, down center.
The flats begin to teeter.
BEAT
The entire set crashes to the floor in a heap of dust, torn muslin, and broken 2 x 4’s.
Abbey picks herself up out of the heap then notices that Martha’s head is bleeding and she’s unconscious. Abbey attempts to stay in character…
ABBEY: Help! Help Martha! Somebody call 9-1-1! Fear, Mystery, Creating a future, Cliff hanger
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The story worked well with character traits and ITs, but seemed a bit too complex. Maybe the first scene without Squire could be reduced a bit.
Also it was a surprise that the set fell down, though I was expecting some kind of retaliation. And a shock when someone was injured, but the dress rehearsal goes on? But it was a total disaster….
Also doofus me, I didn’t know what MIP was, had to look it up — monthly investment plan, mortgage indemnity premium, marine insurance policy, and finally adding “slang” to the search “Minor In Possession (drugs).” I tend to put definitions in [] if I think the word will make the reader look it up. Like I used “Tejana” in my screenplay, but followed it with [Latina] the first time I used it.
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What I’ve learned: Just when you think a scene is complete…You can always make it more interesting.
Looking back over my interest list…I added a healthy dose of theft to give more interest to the script.
Logline: Two employees are left to close the gym for the evening.
Essence: Both employees are more interested in their own agendas, instead of doing their jobs.
INT. GYM – NIGHT
Nancy (19), leggings and a tank top with the gym logo, stands talking to an older LADY sitting on a Lat Pull Down machine. The Lady reads a piece of paper.
Nancy glances at the clock and then out at the nearly empty gym floor.
NANCY
Try that dog food recipe. I swear my little Angus hasn’t had an allergy in a year.
The Lady tucks the paper in her bra and squeezes Nancy’s hand.
LADY
Thank you, Nancy.
SQUIRE (21), looking like an upside-down triangle, all biceps and no legs, stands chatting with an attractive BLOND, on the ab machine. He also wears the gym logo on his shirt.
Nancy looks at the clock again.
NANCY
I’ve got to get back to work. Enjoy your workout.
Nancy meanders up to Squire.
NANCY
Can I borrow Squire for just a second?
The Blond and Squire smile at each other.
SQUIRE
Of course.
(to Blond)
I’ll be right back.
Squire moves to the side with Nancy.
SQUIRE
What’s up?
NANCY
You’re fifteen minutes over on her training. I need some help with closing.
SQUIRE
Just going over some final tips. I’m almost done.
NANCY
It’s an ab machine. How many tips does she need?
SQUIRE
Oh, we’re talking nutrition and other things as we’re finishing up. You go ahead and start the bathrooms.
NANCY
I always end up doing the bathrooms. It’s your turn.
SQUIRE
I’ll help you in a minute. We’re almost through.
Squire returns to the Blond, a warm smile on his face.
Nancy stalks over to the cleaning closet and disappears inside.
BLOND
If you have to go, I can stretch myself out.
SQUIRE
I’ve got plenty of time. Let’s hit the mats.
Blond and Squire pull out mats and lie down. Squire pulls his knee toward his opposite shoulder. Blonde mimics him.
Nancy returns to the floor with the cleaning cart. She pushes the cart extremely close to Squire as she passes, forcing him to move his arm.
Squire deliberately flashes Nancy a smile and then returns to the Blond.
SQUIRE
It’s the best hike in the area. The views are amazing. We could do a leg day on the trail. Make it part of your routine next week.
Nancy enters the bathroom. She immediately staggers back out, her mouth open in disgust. She gulps in air. She stands looking around the gym, hands on hips. Everyone has gone home, except for Squire and the Blond, still lying on the mats, just talking, no stretching.
Nancy notices barbells and equipment left lying around the gym. She picks up a string and a few wisps of grass from someone’s shoes.
Nancy strolls into the office, keeping an eye on the two on the floor. They are absorbed in each other. She reaches into a drawer and stuffs a few bills in her pockets. She exits the office and approaches her coworker, smiling sweetly.
NANCY
I’m sorry to bother you two again, but Squire will have to quit flirting and help me close this place up.
Squire rolls to his feet and pulls the Blonde to hers. He looks at Nancy his mouth tightening, then turns his full charm on the Blond.
SQUIRE
Let me walk you to the door.
Squire moves to the cubbies with The Blonde. He carries her bag to the door. They stand laughing together at something Squire said.
Nancy approaches them with a clipboard. She holds the door open as the Blond scurries out. Squire turns to Nancy.
SQUIRE
Hey, gal. Why the push? We were just talking.
NANCY
We’re supposed to be doing the closing list together.
SQUIRE
Did you get the bathrooms done?
NANCY
I always get stuck with the bathrooms, even when you promise to help. I’m not doing them tonight.
SQUIRE
It’s my dad’s birthday. I can’t stay late. You should’ve started something on the list.
NANCY
While you hustled your client? That’s not how a team works.–Shit. It’s six now. I can’t be late either. I have a date.
Nancy runs to grab her purse from the office, shuts out the lights, and heads for the door. Squire trails after her.
SQUIRE
The boss will have a fit if we leave the gym like this.
NANCY
I can’t help it. You’ll have to stay.
Nancy opens the door.
SQUIRE
My evenings as important as yours. I’m leaving too.
They both walk out. Nancy locks the door from the outside.
Lady walks out of a second bathroom. No one is around. She meanders past the vending area, looking over her shoulder. There is still no one around.
LADY
(calling out)
Nancy?
The gym is quiet. Lady takes several handfuls of protein bars and stuffs them in her pockets. She takes a magazine and tucks it into her shirt. She enters the office.
Lady returns stuffing wads of money in her pockets with the bars. She turns the lock from the inside of the door and exits the gym.
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This is a good one. Nearly all the ITs and core traits. Really a great cliffhanger with the lady stealing stuff because they didn’t clean/check the bathrooms. Not sure if it fits for Nancy to also have taken some money (thought she did that so Squire would later get the blame), but maybe she just checks the money drawer and sees it’s okay and closes it….
BTW, this is what happened to us at a church event — an elderly woman stayed after and stole stuff. And that same woman, who is known for doing that at various events around town, also came to our gym during my aerobics class. I made sure my purse was in a place I could view.
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INT. NANCY’S APT. -DAY
Dressed in black leather, Nancy is sitting in a chair at the desk cleaning her Baretta. When a beautiful drag queen walks out of her bedroom and closes the door. Nancy walks over to her and gives her a wad of cash. He stares at her and then the cash.
NANCY
Look, that’s all you’re gonna get. Because I’m now broke.
The drag queen leaves the apartment.
Then Nancy goes back to the table and finishes up with the gun when she gets a call on her cell phone. She puts her gun down and snubs out her cigarette and takes a drink of a burban before she picks up her phone.
NANCY
Croger here.
PETER
Nancy, come into the agency. I have a job for you.
NANCY
Whom am I to go after this time?
PETER
Do you remember Robert Rodregis?
NANCY
Yeah, that’s the cunt who raped me in high school. He was such a druggie.
PETER
Well the cops want him for lacing drugs with Fentanyal.
NANCY
He’s mine. I want to take him in alone.
PETER
Be sensible Nancy, you are going to need help.
NANCY
Peter how soon will you be handing out awards for the best bounty hunters?
PETER
Tonight is the night.
NANCY
Well, I’m gonna win for sure, just you watch.
Nancy hangs up.
INT. AGENCY- DAY
Peter calls a different number. A scruffy looking man like a biker picks up the cell phone.
SQUIRE
Lindal here.
PETER
Squire, I need you to come in. I have a job for you. You’re working with Croger.
SQUIRE
(happy)
Cool.
They hang up. An hour later Nancy and Squire enter the agency. Both are in leathers and carry guns.
PETER
There you are. You two are working together in picking up the head of the Aryan syndicate Robert Rodregis. Here is his file.
Nancy grabs the file with a flurish.
NANCY
Come on Peter. I don’t trust Squire.
PETER
Don’t be so stubborn Nancy. You’re working with him whether or not you want to.
NANCY
No, I’m gonna do it alone.
NANCY
Fine.
To Sqiure
NANCY
What’s your phone number?
SQUIRE
That’s on a need to know, baby.
NANCY
We then will use my car but you’ll have to pay for gas.
SQUIRE
Okay, sweetcheeks.
Nancy rolls her eyes. The two bounty hunters leave the office and go to the parking lot.
EXT. NANCY’S MUSTANG-DAY
Nancy rushes to the driver side door. Squire pushes her away.
SQUIRE
I’ll drive, baby.
Nancy pushes him back.
NANCY
No, I’ll drive. It’s my car.
NANCY
(sarcastic)
Baby.
SQUIRE
I’ll let you drive your car home, punkin. But I gotta look the part.
NANCY
And what part is that?
Nancy looks up in the air and points. Squire looks up and Nancy punches him in the throat. He graps his neck and couches not able to breathe. She graps him by his hair and pulls him closer, holding a gun at his cheek.
NANCY
I could kill you right here and now, but I care about your sister and I understand you’ve been helping me take care of her.
SQUIRE
Uh huh.
Nancy lets him go and gets into the drivers seat.
NANCY
Get in.
Squire sighs and gets into the passengers seat and they drive off down the road.
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Gripping story. Lots of ITs and core traits. But it was supposed to end in a botched job (like the bad guy got away or something), so maybe you need another short scene to show that.
Not sure what the drag queen thing was about, unless the cash was for a tip or something.
Also wondered why Nancy was taking care of Squire’s sister… but in a full script that may have been explained earlier.
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Hi, Lynn, thanks for your help with this. You made some good points. The drag queen helped with another job so they were getting a tip. Yeah, I probably do need to do my ending better.
Thanks,
Beth
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