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Lesson 5
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92 Replies
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OUTLINE: Trent & Robert are college mates and lovers. Trent plans to leave Robert for a rich boyfriend. Out of revenge Robert starts to spread rumours and gossip about Trent that he is a gay. Everyone comes to Trent’s birthday party. He doesn’t invite his new rich boyfriend because he still didn’t break up with Robert. As the gay-haters (non-gays) college mates get drunk and mad they call Trent to the back room and beat him up. Robert feels revenged.
INT. COLLEGE CAFETERIA – MORNING
During lunch ROBERT sits to COLLEGE MATE 1 (gay hater, non-gays) and COLLEGE MATE 2 (gay hater, non-gays) .
ROBERT
May I join you guys? I have an invitation for you to deliver. Tomorrow is Trent’s birthday party. He asked me to invite you both as he is today on his external internship training. He will not make it back to college today.
COLLEGE MATE 1
That is really a nice surprise! I never thought that we are friend, but why not.
COLLEGE MATE 2
Will be there enough to drink?
ROBERT
Of course! What do you think…. You know Trent he has always pocket money….
COLLEGE MATE 2
Then actually why not! Tell him, we will be there!
INT. TRENT’S HOUSE – EVENING
Next day Trent is organizing nice party: the balloons, the big amount of various drinks, the DJ set, the cake – everything must be in place. By the way, his birthday cake a fresh strawberry Pavlova just was delivered by a delivery man. The details are important for him.
It is time, guests start to arrive, take first apero drink, enjoy. Trent makes the music at the DJ set. First guest are happy enjoying drinks and the music. Robert arrives greets Trent and brings him a present.
TRENT
Thank you, Robert!
But Trent doesn’t open the present, which makes Robert feeling even more OK with his revenge plan.
Finally, COLLEGE MATE 1 and 2 arrived. Robert notices them and get to the kitchen to prepare them cocktails with extra alcohol. Robert comes to them with two cocktails in each hand and shows them around.
ROBERT
That is so nice that you finally made. There are enough drinks for the whole night. (He is handing over two cocktails).
COLLEGE MATE 1
Thanks man!
COLLEGE MATE 2
… (No thanks, just takes it)
After they finish the cocktails Robert deliberately starts a conversation about Trent.
ROBERT
By the way do you know guys that Trent has a new boyfriend?
COLLEGE MATE 2
What ?
ROBERT
Yes, he does. It is the one with the big Mercedes and the huge house on the top of the hills.
COLLEGE MATE 1
Really?
ROBERT
Really! Trent is a gay!
COLLEGE MATE 2
That is why I always felt so bad about him. Asshole!
Two boys are getting mad and more drunk, discussing among each other, we don’t hear, but see getting them more and more crazy. Robert leaves and observes them from the corner.
Suddenly Trent notices two not invited people and asks Robert how is it possible.
TRENT
Robert, do you know how these two made it here? I didn’t invite them.
ROBERT
My dear, I have not a slightest no idea.
Trent comes to the two and tells them that they should leave; he invites them to talk into the back room.
TRENT
Why are you here? I didn’t invite you.
COLLEGE MATE 2
Of course you did asshole!
COLLEGE MATE 2
Yes, in fact, he is right. You did invite us because you like boys!
TRENT
Let’s talk in the back room. (He doesn’t want his party ruined)
The three of them go to the back room. Just the Trent closing the door MATE 2 hits him in the face, so that he is on the floor. He crumbles and stands up getting really aggressive.
TRENT
Hey you, gorilla! You will f–k off this house right now, did you get me or you are too stupid for this and need a translator (Looking at Mate 1).
COLLEGE MATE 1
I am not a translator and you are f–king gay!
Mate 2 hits one more time, Mate 1 hits in addition. Left-right-left-right, hands, legs everything is involved. Trent is beaten up on the floor. The two are leaving the party. Robert comes to look from the corridor and make sure Trent is punished. He has a smile of a JOKER, which tell us that he is feeling great to cheer up his low self-esteem!
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I’d make two comments:
Firstly people don’t talk in full sentences – they shorten, they interrupt, they hint.
Second point would be in the stage directions. Try to avoid statements like “which makes Robert feeling even more OK with his revenge plan.” You have to show us or have someone tell us; we can’t see stage directions. -
It’s very interesting that Robert has gotten other guys to beat up Trent. I wouldn’t have thought of that, but it’s a good idea.
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Angelina, interesting premise. I think it would help the flow of the screenplay more if you pick a tense and stick with it. I suggest you stay with present tense only, so that the action flows in real time.
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Angelina,
I really liked how you created a scene, dialogue, and actions and all reveal how adept Robert is at using gossip to take down another person.
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Lynn’s Fight Scene – 1st Draft
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that after fuming about what to do, then sleeping on it, I finally came up with a good idea used Hal’s ideas to include the arc, interest techniques, and most characters traits.
My first reaction to this assignment: I really have about 10,000 emails I have to delete, gotta do that. I deleted about 1,000 then got down to working on this scene :).
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OUTLINE:
1. A big crowd is celebrating John Henshaw’s 80th birthday on his aristocratic horse ranch. But Trent Morgan (29), his step-grandson, is agitated about losing some business deal.
2. Trent sees rich Ursula (25), to whom he was engaged, but she avoids him.
3. Trent then sees Robert (26), struggles to smile at him, and calls him over.
4. Trent tells Robert he has a gift for his grandfather, but it’s in the tack room.
5. As they go to the tack room, they discuss things (backstory) and Robert wonders if Trent is upset about Ursula (a rich women) calling off their engagement. Trent says not at all and that he’s glad.
6. However, once they are in the tack room, Trend accuses Robert of making Ursula leave him through his gossip and says that his “gift” to Robert’s grandfather is giving beloved sole heir Robert a bloody nose, as he swings and hits Robert in the face.
7. A fight ensues, Trent besting Robert, who stumbles back on a scythe and is seriously injured.
8. Trent rushes out calling for help.
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EXT./INT. HENSHAW RANCH – DAY
Aristocratic horse ranch decorated for a helluva celebration. A HUGE CROWD, some in swanky dress, some in riding habits, photographers.
Riders jump horses over a course in the ring. Others eat and drink at tables near the mansion and on the wraparound verandah.
JOHN HENSHAW (80), the center of attention, sits in an ornate chair on the porch like a king viewing his kingdom with a glorious, proud smile. It’s his 80th birthday. A multi-layered birthday cake on a table below the verandah awaits the ritual.
But TRENT MORGAN (29) in the ranch yard, champaign in hand, isn’t celebrating. He’s agitated, explaining something to a MAN (40s).
TRENT: Yeh, great idea, but someone, someone I know well, botched it. Lost a lot of money.
Trent sees URSULA (25), svelte and aloof, pass nearby.
TRENT: (to the man) Excuse me.
Trent strides toward Ursula.
TRENT: (calls out) Ursula.
Ursula sees him and pivots away, head held high. Then Trent spots ROBERT MORGAN (26) greedily shaking hands with people.
Robert turns, sees Trent, and gets a super-guilty look on his face. Trent struggles to paste on a smile, then approaches Robert.
TRENT: Hey, Robert!
ROBERT: Hey, Trent!
TRENT: I wanna show you the great gift I got your granddad.
Robert recovers from his guilt and goes to Robert.
ROBERT: Our granddad.
TRENT: I don’t think so, maybe step-granddad, but he doesn’t even think that. But, hey, you guys are the only family I have.
ROBERT: (relieved) And you’re my only brother, my big brother I could never measure up to. I mean, in school, in smarts. Granddad even said he wished I’d be more like you.
TRENT: Must have been years ago.
ROBERT: Yeh, when I flunked algebra.
Robert laughs, but not Trent.
TRENT: Anyway, I owe the old coot for having staked me when I started out… and paying for my mother’s funeral.
ROBERT: So where’s the gift?
TRENT: In the tack room.
The head toward the tack room, attached to the barn.
TRENT: Of course, it wasn’t anything like your mom’s funeral.
ROBERT: Mom’s his daughter, his only child.
TRENT: Yeh, of course, I just meant it was generous of him to do it for my mom, since our dad doesn’t have control over funds or anything.
ROBERT: And he pretty much hated your mom.
Trent grits his teeth, unseen by Robert.
TRENT: Yeh, that too. But, hey, now that that’s all over, maybe–
ROBERT: So, you’re not upset about Ursula?
TRENT: Why should I be? (shrugs) She’s too high and mighty for me. It was good she’s the one who backed out of our engagement.
Robert nods his head in agreement, but is disappointed Trent isn’t crushed.
TRENT: But why are you so concerned all of a sudden about my life?
Robert again gets that guilty look as they enter
INT. THE TACK ROOM – DAY
Full of expensive tack, fancy English and Western saddles on racks, tools, a scythe.
Robert looks around, then turns to Trent.
ROBERT: Where is it?
TRENT: I’ll show you in a minute. First I want to know why you told Ursula I had cheated your grandfather and Harvey.
ROBERT: I didn’t–
TRENT: She told me you did. And you know I didn’t cheat them. They were legitimate business ventures that failed.
ROBERT: That’sss … a matter of opinion. I heard from Lindon–
TRENT: The liar. I’m sixty thousand dollars in the hole because someone — I suspect you — botched my latest deal.
ROBERT: (incredulous) You’re in the hole?! You mean your backers are in the hole!… So you don’t really have a gift, you just wanted to–
TRENT: No, I do have a gift, a very special gift.
Trent shoves Robert, then swings at him, smack on the face.
TRENT: A bloody nose on his sole, beloved heir to his fortune.
Robert comes back swinging, nose bloodied.
ROBERT: You no good cheater. Granddad said you’re no good.
They come to serious blows, Trent besting Robert. A final blow sends Robert across the room, stumbling into the scythe. He gives a LOUD YELP.
Trent is immobilized a second with horror. Then he rushes to Robert.
TRENT: Bobby. I didn’t mean–
He moves Robert, blood gushes from his side. He tries to stanch it with his hand. Robert moves a bit. He’s alive. Barely.
Trent rushes out to the
EXT. RANCH YARD – DAY
TRENT: Help! There’s been an accident!
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I liked S2 more. The first scene was very complicated with a lot of explanations. There must be a better way of getting that across?
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This is very tense, in a good way. I like it. If I was to offer some constructive feedback, I would say “tread carefully around exposition”. I struggle with that too, always giving too much information on the page, more than I need to. I really try to make my exposition more abstract (in a way similar to how people speak in real life), and try to give the characters an additional/alternative action during those moments where I *have* to share boring exposition. My goal is to trick the reader into figuring out some info from the context of the scene, or while struggling to keep up with other actions, so they don’t really notice all the boring information I need them to know. It’s a tough process and I for sure haven’t mastered it yet.
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Lynn,
This is a good example of how to convert an outline into a scene. Thx.
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I used Hal’s suggested approach, too. You did a good job converting the outline to the scene. There are instances where you write something that an audience couldn’t see on-screen. You’ve got to describe that through action in some way, even if it’s just a facial expression. I had difficulty using exposition for a while, too.
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Sccene Arc: Sheila, a high-priced call girl, and Trent have cooked up a scheme to enrich themselves at Robert’s expense, but Robert finds out and seeks revenge.
INT. TRENT’S YACHT, LUCKY – NIGHT
The yacht cruises offshore, just outside California’s territorial waters.
ANTEROOM
Sixteen well-dressed men, ready for high-stakes gambling, cluster together in the anteroom of the yacht’s Grand Salon.
Beautiful young girls pass out Cuban cigars and champagne.
Trent enters the anteroom and stands at the entry to the Grand Salon with his arm around the legendary beauty, Miss Sheila Devine.
TRENT
You know the rules, you know the stakes, and here she is.
(beat)
To the winner One full month.
Miss Devine waves to the now Google-eyed and salivating gamers.
From the stern of the yacht, Robert unexpectedly enters the anteroom.
Robert smiles, waves to everyone, and still smiling —
ROBERT
So, Trent, my money’s not good enough?
TRENT
Of course, it is. Why do you ask?
ROBERT
Then why wasn’t I invited?
TRENT
What do you mean? Of course, you were invited.
ROBERT
No. I wasn’t.
TRENT
Must be some mistake.
Trent pats Sheila on her behind and whispers —
TRENT
Can you take them on in –?
Sheila nods —
SHEILA
Follow me, guys.
The anteroom empties in seconds, leaving Trent and Robert together in the anteroom.
TRENT
How about we discuss this in my private office?
ROBERT
Sounds good to me.
OFFICE
Trent offers Robert a chair.
ROBERT
I’d rather stand. I have a game to attend.
TRENT
Can I make this oversight up to you?
ROBERT
Certainly.
TRENT
How?
ROBERT
(smiling)
I know what you’re up to, Trent. I wish I’d have thought of it. Very clever.
TRENT
I don’t know what you mean.
ROBERT
Of course, you do. You… Sheila. But why the gossip?
TRENT
What gossip?
ROBERT
About Sheila and me… to fleece my friends and enrich yourselves at my expense.
TRENT
Robert –?
ROBERT
This boat isn’t even yours – everything’s a sham.
TRENT
Robert –?
Robert lands a hefty blow to Trent’s face.
Trent staggers back.
TRENT
I can explain —
ROBERT
No. You can’t. I don’t fleece my friends. It’s not my style.
Robert lands another blow – and another.
Trent falls to the floor, nearly unconscious.
ROBERT
I should throw you overboard and let you swim home, but —
Robert waves Trent off and leaves, irritated.
GRAND SALON
A slightly roughed-up Robert enters.
All eyes turn toward him.
Sheila makes a quick exit.
ROBERT
Games over. We’ve all been had. Ask Sheila if you can find her.
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I don’t understand the reference to gossip?
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That’s because I got confused with my own story. See #6′
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I really enjoyed the situation and mood you created here. Kept me very interested. I think I would prefer a little more subtext to your characters, especially if their actions contradicted with their dialogue. That way I wouldn’t really see the result coming so easily. Of course, we all know where this is going in this exercise, but you know what I’m saying. I think it would increase the suspense and surprise of the scene. But I could totally see it in my head, and almost hear the sounds and feel like I was there!
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Yeah, Yanni. I got confused and screwed it up. See #6
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Alfred Gene,
This is a good example of getting straight into the action.
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This works but seems a little lacking in subtext. What makes it a little difficult is the lack of information, as if this was pulled from the middle of a screenplay. I think a little more info about the situation would have helped, but it does the trick. I read the other comments and your response, so I know you are aware of this and are on top of it.
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LOGLINE: Robert and Trent meet and quarrel over their Father’s will.
ESSENCE: Blood only goes so deep but money trumps all.=============1st PASS========================================
INT HOTEL TOILET EVENING
Robert is standing by the trough urinating. He is disheveled and half drunk. Trent walks in.ROBERT
Ah Jesus it’s the man himself! When did you get in?Trent unzips and stands beside Robert at the trough.
TRENT
I hired a car in Dublin. Jesus I’d forgotten about the bloody roads here.Robert turns round and pisses down Trent’s leg as he zip himself up.
ROBERT
Ah sure they do us rightly. Did ye make the service?TRENT
The tail end. I stood at the…what the feck! Did you just piss on me.ROBERT
Sure it’s only Guinness and fairly fresh at that. It’s a pity you missed the wake. The auld Dad looked very well in his new suit. Well welcome back anyway big brother. How’s London going?TRENT
Oh not so bad. The whole bloody Covid thing hit a lot of people badly.ROBERT
Did it so? Well you’re welcome to stay with Masie and myself at the farm. When are youTRENT
Welcome? What do mean welcome. it’s a much my farm as yours.ROBERT
Jesus boy. You weren’t there for the reading of the will of course.TRENT
Reading of the will? So soon. Without me? I’m the bloody eldest! I’ve a rightROBERT
Well so auld Danny Breen, you remember him? His father had the wee Solictors over in Ballyhack.TRENT
So?ROBERT
Well then sure he stopped over for a drink and pay his respects and he said that all’s here that counts and sure didn’t read the will there and then.TRENT
(angry)
He should have bloody waited!ROBERT
Now calm yerself. Sure didn’t the old boy leave the whole place to me anyway soTRENT
You fucking what!ROBERT
Well with you away in London and doing so well for yourself the old boy must have thought the farm should go to me since I was the one that stayed and worked it with him.TRENT
I needed that money you’ll have to sell it and we’ll split the money. Fairs fair now.TRENT
I told you I need that money!ROBERT
Well it’s my farm now and I’ll not be selling a square foot ofTRENT
You bastard.Trent zips up and punches Robert hard in the mouth.
=======2nd & 3rd PASS========================================
INT HOTEL TOILET EVENING
Robert is standing by the trough urinating. He is disheveled and half drunk. Trent walks in.Robert swings round and opens his arms splashing Trent.
ROBERT
Ah Jesus it’s the man himself! When did you get in?Trent jumps back.
TENT
You daft bastard.Robert zips himself up. He doesn’t wash his hands.
ROBERT
Sure it’s only Guinness and fairly fresh at that.Trent stares at Robert for a beat then unzips and stands at the trough.
TRENT
I hired a car in Dublin. Jesus I’d forgotten about the bloody roads here.ROBERT
Ah sure they do us rightly. Did ye make the service?TRENT
The tail end. I stood at the back with all the other hicks. Jesus they stink of cow shite here. I’d forgotten how much I hate that smell.ROBERT
(laughs)
It’s a pity you missed the wake. The auld Dad looked very well in his new suit. Well welcome back anyway big brother. How’s London going?TRENT
Oh not so bad. The whole bloody Covid thing hit a lot of people badly.ROBERT
Did it so? I wouldn’t envy you living in a big place thon. Well you’re welcome to stay with Masie and myself at the farm. When are youTRENT
Welcome? What do mean welcome? It’s a much my farm as yours.ROBERT
Jesus boy. You weren’t there for the reading of the will of course.TRENT
Reading of the will? So soon. Without me? I’m the bloody eldest! I’ve a rightROBERT
Well so auld Danny Breen, you remember him? His father had the wee Solictors over in Ballyhack.TRENT
So?ROBERT
Well then sure he stopped over for a drink and pay his respects and he said that all’s here that counts and sure didn’t read the will there and then.TRENT
(angry)
He should have bloody waited!ROBERT
Now calm yerself. Sure didn’t the old boy leave the whole place to me anyway soTRENT
You fucking what!ROBERT
Well with you away in London and doing so well for yourself the old boy must have thought the farm should go to me since I was the one that stayed and worked it with him.TRENT
You sneaked little shit. What did you say to him?ROBERT
Sure only with you doing so well for yerself over there and making the money like it’s going out of fashion you’d have no interest in a wee scrap of a farm.TRENT
You stitched me up!ROBERT
Sure I was only sharing the good news with him. He was very proud of you…you could have called him now and again you know.TRENT
I didn’t have time!ROBERT
He missed you.TRENT
I needed that money, I need that money! You’ll just have to sell it and we’ll split the money. Fairs fair now.ROBERT
No way! All the money you told us you were making in London. I was the oneTRENT
I don’t give a fuck what the old bastard thought. I told you I need that money!ROBERT
Well it’s my farm now and I’ll not be selling a square foot ofTRENT
You bastard.Trent zips up and punches Robert hard in the mouth.
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Nice writing, Jeremy.
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Good use of subtext. RE covid (Trent not doing as well as he’d been bragging about), and not calling Dad, speaking about how he was the one working the farm along side dad (= Trent doesn’t deserve anything).
I guess the gossip is Robert dissuading his father from including Trent in the will, or at least from giving any portion of the farm to Trent.
MINOR POINT: I think that all descendants need to be given at least something (if there is no spouse who gets the whole thing), even something tiny, or they could contest the will. But that would have made them have to wait for Trent to be there to read the will (though from my experience, it can be done through the mail). Maybe Trent threatens to contest it… Or maybe there was a tiny thing for him and the letter re that is on its way to him in London….
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I like definetly more your 2nd & 3d PASS. The 1st is not easy to read/understand.
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Fantastic dialogue. So natural and distinctive. The only thing I was wondering about was what was the “celebration” supposed to be at the beginning of the scene, as the assignment required. But other than that minor point, I really enjoyed it.
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Jeremy,
This is a good example of how a writer’s confidence grows with the 2nd and 3rd passes.
Your first go at it has signs of figuring things out. Your writing became stronger and more succinct by your 3rd pass.
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Jeremy, the second & third pass is much smoother. I love the feel of the dialogue. My interpretation of Hal’s instructions lead me to feel there should have been more than a single punch at the end of the scene. A minor detail which would only require an additional line of description to add to the beating.
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BRENDA BODDY – WRITING A SCENE.
INT. BAR – NIGHT
ROBERT (40’s), business suit, greasy hair slicked to cover a bald spot, sits at the bar nursing his drink.
TRENT (40’s) slides onto a barstool, pulling the seat out to accommodate his paunchy stomach. He carefully smooths first his hair and then his mustache, signaling the BARTENDER.
ROBERT
Trent? Good to see you, man. I thought you said you never come down here.
Robert turns, astonished, and slaps Robert on the back.
TRENT
Robert? Everyone slums now and again.
He moves closer, lowering his voice, his eyes darting around the room.
TRENT
The truth is, I’m meeting a girl here. Her suggestion, since she works across the street. Nicest piece of tail I’ve seen in a long time.
ROBERT
Good for you, bud. I don’t seem to have much luck with the female species.
TRENT
She’s falling hard for me. You have to look the part, you know.
(winks)
And it never hurts to embellish yourself a little.
The Bartender stops in front of Trent.
TRENT
Lemon drop.
She stirs the drink and hands it to him.
BARTENDER
Seven-fifty.
Trent turns back to Robert.
TRENT
Tell you what, buddy. I’m kind of celebrating tonight. You get our drinks now, and I’ll get everyone’s drinks when my gal gets here. I want you to meet her.
Robert hands some cash to the Bartender.
ROBERT
One round.
TRENT
Speaking of my drink. I could sit there like you and suck on a beer, or I can order something more elegant. It’s about appearances. The ladies like a sophisticated man.
Trent elbows Robert and winks again.
TRENT
Flash some style and cash and you can have whatever woman you want.
Trent smiles knowingly at Robert and completely downs his drink. He carefully dabs his mouth and resmooths his mustache.
Robert sits back in his chair and takes a satisfying gulp of his own beer.
ROBERT
Each to their own. We don’t make enough to interest me in expensive drinks that I don’t even like.
Robert takes another swig and burps.
TRENT
I have quite a tidy inheritance handed down from a favorite uncle. When the estate sells, I’ll be opening my own business. Money is no object for me.
Trent catches the Bartender’s eye and raises his empty glass.
TRENT
In fact, I’ll be hiring a few good men. It’ll be nice to quit working for the low-life who thinks he owns us right now.
The Bartender sets down the drink.
BARTENDER
Seven-fifty.
Trent searches his pockets, becoming flustered.
TRENT
I must have left my wallet at home.
Robert pays for the drink.
ROBERT
Happy to help out a friend. What type of person are you hoping to hire?
The door tinkles open. A stunning blond, KIMMIE, (20’s) approaches the men.
KIMMIE
Trent. Us dating isn’t working for me. I wanted to tell you in person, instead of ghosting you.
TRENT
What? I thought this was about getting to know each other better. I wanted to tell you about the new Jag I’m getting.
KIMMIE
I’m sorry. I’m just not interested.
(to Robert)
Why’re you here? I thought you didn’t…that you and Trent weren’t…
ROBERT
(overloud)
Of course, we are. Friends. In fact we’re talking about working together.
TRENT
Wait. You know Kimmie?
ROBERT
She’s my cousin.
TRENT
You need to tell her what a great guy I am.
(to Kimmie)
You’re going to miss out, Kimmie… babe. I’ve got what it takes to set you up right.
KIMMIE
(glancing at Robert)
Someone told me that you’re all blow and no go. Not that it matters. I really have to go.
TRENT
Who…? Robert? You told her that?
ROBERT
Kimmie. You must be mistaken. I was talking about someone else. Not Trent here.
KIMMIE
I told you who I was going out with and you said…
ROBERT
…you must have misunderstood. Trent here is fixing to open his own business. He’s…
KIMMIE
…You said he was a fake.
TRENT
Well I’m completely offended.– Sneaking around behind people’s backs.
(to Kimmie)
Go ahead and go if that’s what you want. I’ve got plenty of women to choose from. Women who appreciate a man who’s going up in the world and don’t mind living in luxury the rest of their lives.
Kimmie looks at him a moment, swaps glances with Robert and leaves.
TRENT
You son of a bitch. You screwed the start of a good relationship.
ROBERT
She’s my cousin. I’ve watched you go after a dozen women at work. I didn’t want her to get taken in.
Trent smooths his mustache, again and again. His face seems to struggle to keep the anger in.
TRENT
I oughtta…
ROBERT
You can’t even pay your bar tab. I’m going to use the john.
Robert makes his way to the back of the room. Trent dabs his mustache carefully with his napkin, looking furtively to either side. No one is paying attention. He puts his napkin in his pocket and follows Robert to the bathroom.
There is a beat of silence and then something bangs the bathroom door, from the inside. Several people look that way, but there is a surge of LAUGHTER from a table near the door and they go back to their drinks.
Robert emerges, looking furtively around the room. Nobody notices. He glances down and sees blood on his knuckles. He carefully pulls his napkin, wipes his knuckles, smooths his mustache, and walks toward the door.
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It’ll be interesting watching this scene evolve.
Should Trent be carrying a briefcase and make a fuss of it. Check his emails on his phone etc?
When I see a friend I don’t normally say their name – I know who they are.
I do like Kimme’s poetic streak.
One suggestion if you’ll allow me is when Trent returning from the toilets he could gulp down Robert’s drink and pocket the tip Robert left for the barmaid?
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Good ideas. I said their names because the audience wouldn’t know who they were if this were an opening scene, and I didn’t have a backstory. Love the idea about stealing the tip.
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Interesting set up. Well & clear written.
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Really vivid setting/atmosphere and fantastic characterization. I felt like I really understood these folks.
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Brenda,
This is really clear. I can track the character traits and interest techniques throughout.
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Brenda, you did a great job giving us a real good snapshot of what these two guys are all about. The character traits are revealing of who they are. Interesting approach in not showing the actual “ass-kicking” but providing audio and visual cues that tell the story without showing it on-screen.
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Yanni Writes a Scene Using 9 Max Interest Techniques – First Draft.
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EXT. SMALL RESIDENTIAL PARKING LOT – DAY
TRENT (early 40s) slams the door of his shiny, black SUV, which causes the front hubcap to fall off. Godammit.
He grabs a wrench from the trunk, and carefully screws it back on. He checks his face and tie in the mirror.
Then he opens the door of a tall privacy fence, and the sounds of a raucous party get louder.
EXT. BOUGIE PRESCHOOL YARD – DAY
The party is mixed. Exhausted adults try to chat peacefully, as preschoolers on a sugar rush run laps around them.
Trent shuts the door and waves hello to a few of the parents he recognizes. He gets a couple of hugs from a little girl and a peck from KATE (late 30s).
KATE You’re late.
TRENT The meeting ran long, baby. You know it’s crunch time right now. You hate me?
Kate playfully turns away.
TRENT Do ya? Do you hate me? Cause you know I worship you. Honey?
Kate relents.
KATE Just get me a drink, dingus.
He scans the yard and his eyes land at the far end of the yard, on an adult covered in water colour paint, who pretends he is Godzilla for a bunch of screaming 5 year olds. This is ROBERT (30s). Trent pecks Kate and walks towards Robert.
As Robert growls and knocks over some kids’ magnatile skyscraper, he locks eyes with a fast-approaching Trent.
ROBERT Oh poop.
The preschoolers giggle as Robert gets up and makes for the kitchen. He looks back to make sure nobody else follows him.
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
All alone, Robert pours himself some water from the cooler, and tries to stable his breath. He clocks the paint on him.
Trent enters and Robert gestures to him to shut the door.
ROBERT Make sure nobody saw you.
Trent shuts the door and all the party sounds out behind him.
TRENT What’s with the fucking games?
ROBERT You know why. We have to be careful. I cannot be seen with you.
Trent laughs.
TRENT I’m at your fucking party. I mean, you literally invited me here.
ROBERT Yeah cause you’re a parent. Not as a-
TRENT I don’t have time for your bullshit right now. You wanna do this or not?
Trent takes a step towards him. Robert looks around worried.
ROBERT I’m not… I was thinking, maybe we should talk about this some more.
TRENT What’s there to discuss? You either want this or not. Do you want it?
He seems agitated.
ROBERT I thought I did… I’m having some thoughts. This is all new to me.
Trent softens a little. He takes another step forward.
TRENT This will set you up for life.
Robert carefully weighs his next words.
ROBERT Yeah maybe. But then, what happens when…
TRENT When what?
Robert hesitates.
ROBERT What if I fuck it all up?
TRENT You won’t. You’ll be just fine.
ROBERT It was my dream to join the union.
TRENT You can still join. One day soon? When the strike is over? Sure.
ROBERT But if I give you this script, then I’m scabbing. And they won’t ever let me in. Not after that.
Trent ups the charm.
TRENT Who’s gonna know? I won’t tell, if you don’t.
He smiles.
ROBERT How so? They will find out. Eventually. No? And they will never let me in. Not if I cross the picket line. You know that.
TRENT Look. These deals take time. Nobody knows when you gave this to me.
ROBERT I have not given this to you.
TRENT Exactly. Or maybe you did. Six weeks ago? A year ago. Who cares? They don’t need to know. Right?
Robert tries to walk towards the door.
ROBERT I don’t know. I need more time.
Trent grabs his hand.
TRENT Robert. There is no time. These fuckers are shutting down everything. Left and right. They’re gonna fuck themselves in the ass. We own them, and they know it. Without our cash, all they have is just words on a page. That’s worthless. They’re worthless.
Robert yanks his hand away from Trent’s grasp. Furious.
Trent clocks this. He tries again.
TRENT But you’re not. Listen. You’re sitting on a billion dollar idea. And all you have to do is give it to me. My boss is creaming his pants right now. Waiting for me as we speak. He plans to reward you. Handsomely.
Trent vaguely gestures at Robert’s outfit.
TRENT Do you really wanna be a preschool teacher all your life?
ROBERT I’m also an actor. I’m a fucking SAG actor, Trent. And I’m only just inches away from joining the WGA as well. Don’t wanna fuck my future before it begins.
Trent nods in agreement.
TRENT You’re an amazing actor. And a truly awesome writer. You don’t belong in a fucking preschool, dealing with rich, psychotic parents like these people.
Trent gestures to the back yard.
Robert finds this extra amusing.
ROBERT You’re also a rich, psychotic parent. Your child is a fucking nightmare. And you never even come to the school meetings we set up with Kate.
Trent wants to try yet another approach.
TRENT Yeah I’m too fucking important to be dealing with all that shit right now. You don’t understand the pressure I’m under. You think Kate’s gonna go and make those deals while I’m at Becky’s preschool, playing cooking class?
Robert wants to protest, but Trent is fast.
TRENT Do you want to be stuck here playing cooking class with a bunch of toddlers all day long? Do you like making minimum wage instead of getting paid millions for your genius ideas?
ROBERT I make 17 dollars an hour. Plus benefits.
He knows he’s defeated. And Trent knows he’s won.
TRENT Come on Bobby. Let’s just do this. Let’s make you fucking rich. And I’ll make sure nobody finds out until the strike is over. We’ll pretend you just gave me the script then. What do you say? Come on bud.
Robert relents and walks down the corridor. Trent follows.
INT. SENSORY GYM – DAY
Trent enters the room and behind him, Robert locks the door. He turns to a group of 25-30 preschoolers with rubber wrenches.
ROBERT Hey friends! Remember when Gwyneth Poultry died because she choked on a cigarette butt that someone left near her coop?
Robert lamely points his thumb at Trent.
TRENT What the fuck? I don’t even smoke!
The kids recoil at the “F” word. Trent knows he fucked up.
ROBERT Remember what we practiced? 1, 2, 3, go for the knee!
The children attack Trent with the viciousness of a thousand tiny Mongol armies.
Trent tries his best to dodge the hits, but they are way too many, and he is but one.
The hits force him to curl up on the floor, and as the vicious little psychopaths have at him with no mercy, he looks up at Robert.
ROBERT You think chatGPT can write this?
Trent screams but the children’s screams are louder.
Robert smiles and dances around like the preschool teacher version of Pennywise. Fuck the studios.
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Brilliant little scene – really liked it.
But…how did we go from “He knows he’s defeated. And Trent knows he’s won.” to setting the Minions on him? What switched?
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Thank you Jeremy! That’s a great question. I see it kind of in the same way we see characters on TV and movies being a certain way in the moment, i.e. committing to the “performance” of innocence (e.g. procedurals, mysteries etc.), and then when more evidence is *found* against them, there is a sudden change in their demeanour. In this case, Robert is “playing” Trent to make him think he’s won, and lull him into a sense of false security, so that he can go ahead with his “minions” plan he had all along. So he drops the act, when his plan succeeds. At least that was my intention while writing it. Not sure if I need to make that more obvious? Open to suggestions of course! 🙂
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In the opening scene, you don’t screw a hubcap back on, especially with a wrench. Might be funny for him to realize that.
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OMG really? That’s a great idea! Thank you!
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This is funny! I was thinking to try & do it as a comedy, but nothing came to mind.
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Thank you Lynn! This is funny, almost all of my ideas where comedic in some shape or form. I must have been in a humorous state of mind!
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Fun idea. Lots of use of Hal’s list of interest techniques.
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Thank you Brenda! I tried. It’s really fascinating to see how many I could try and incorporate. On one hand it feels great to be able to do this, but on the other, I feel like doing this for every single scene in a film (or TV episode) would drive me insane. But perhaps that’s the whole point of what we’re trying to learn here? What do you think?
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This was really hilarious; reminded me of “Trumbo” when he got around the blacklist by ghost-writing porn, only in this case the villain is the scab-producer. Okay … critique? My only critique is that I would have liked a bit of foreshadowing that the kids are amenable to being ‘sicced on Trent. I think the best place for that would be a deceptively throwaway-shot just before Robert agrees to go into the kitchen with Trent.
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He scans the yard and his eyes land at the far end of the yard, on an adult covered in water colour paint, who pretends he is Godzilla for a bunch of screaming 5 year olds. This is ROBERT (30s). Trent pecks Kate and walks towards Robert.
As Robert growls and knocks over some kids’ magnatile skyscraper, he locks eyes with a fast-approaching Trent.
ROBERT
Poop.
The kids pretend to shoot tiny missiles at “Godzilla” and buzz around him like tiny kamikaze zeroes.
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Or some such nonsense…. YMMV
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Anna, I love this idea and will include it in my rewriting of the scene!! Thank you!
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Yanni,
Really fun read. So far I think you present Robert’s low self-esteem better then anyone else. It pairs well with his relationship with preschoolers.
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Thank you Leah! I appreciate that!
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Yanni, this was a really interesting and unusual scene. The setting was surprising and the plot was very timely. I see the traits and interest techniques on full display. The “ass-kicking” is hilarious! What can he do against a horde of children? How embarrassing! Great job.
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Thank you so much Brian! Glad you enjoyed it and that you caught all my Easter eggs hahahaha
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(Alfred Dunham) Scene 5 Rewrite
What I learned is:
With a little persistence, even just changing a word or two, one can pump more life into every scene.
TRENT: conspiring, aggressive, meticulous, needy
ROBERT: smooth, secretive, gregarious, low self-esteem
Scene Arc: Trent and Robert, presumptive friends, meet aboard a yacht that is presumptively Trent’s. However, it soon appears that something is amiss. Trent leads Robert to his private office, where Trent’s demeanor gives him away – Robert sees through Trent’s scam and understands that Trent’s fielded gossip is truer than he wanted to believe that it was. Robert wants to kill Trent but decides it will be better to let him face the rest of his former friends. Ditto for Sheila.
SCENE: TRENT VS. ROBERT
INT. TRENT’S YACHT, LUCKY – NIGHT
The yacht cruises offshore, just outside California’s territorial waters. [interesting setting]
GRAND SALON ANTEROOM
Sixteen well-dressed men, ready for some kinky, high-stakes gambling, cluster together in the anteroom of the yacht’s Grand Salon.
Beautiful young girls pass out Cuban cigars and champagne.
Trent enters the anteroom and stands at the entry to the Grand Salon, his arm around the curvy, legendary Miss Sheila Devine.
TRENT
You know the rules, you know the stakes, and here she is.
Trent makes a grandiose, arms open gesture – smiles like a Cheshire Cat.
TRENT
To the winner – one full month – she’s yours.
The men clap with enthusiasm.
Miss Devine waves to the rich, google-eyed, salivating old geezers.
From the stern of the yacht, Robert bursts into the anteroom. [twist]
Robert smiles and waves to everyone. [gregarious]
There is another round of applause from the gamers.
TRENT
Welcome, Robert. We were afraid you wouldn’t make it.
Sheila’s smile droops. [uncertainty/fear]
Robert, still smiling —
ROBERT
(to Trent)
I expected as much. I didn’t get an invitation, An oversight, I presume. [smooth] [suspicion]
TRENT
I don’t know what to say.
Trent, with a surreptitious pat on Sheila’s well-rounded bottom, whispers to Sheila —
TRENT
Get them inside – quick. [intrigue]
SHEILA
(waving wildly)
Follow me, boys.
The anteroom empties in seconds, leaving Trent and Robert alone and together.
Trent makes his way over to Robert, smiling and frowning at the same time – hand out.
TRENT
I’m so sorry. This is a terrible mistake.
Robert takes Trent’s hand and throws his free arm around Trent, laughing and smiling.
ROBERT
Yes, Trent, it is.
TRENT
How can I make this up to you?
ROBERT
How about we discuss it in private?
TRENT
Certainly. Follow me.
LATER
TRENT’S PRIVATE OFFICE
Trent offers Robert a chair.
ROBERT
Thanks, but I’d rather stand. I have a game to attend.
Trent’s smile, like Sheila’s, droops.
ROBERT
So this wasn’t an oversight, after all. [reveal]
TRENT
I didn’t say that —
ROBERT
You haven’t said anything meaningful.
TRENT
Robert –?
ROBERT
No Trent. I know you. You don’t make mistakes. [Trent: meticulous]
TRENT
As I said before, how can I make this up to you?
Robert lands a withering blow to Trent’s face. [Character change] [surprise]
Trent falls to the floor – holds his face.
TRENT
What are you doing?
ROBERT
(smiling)
I know what you’re up to, Trent. Very clever. I wish I’d have thought of it. [suspense]
TRENT
I don’t know what you mean.
ROBERT
Neither do I. It’s too underhanded even for me. [Trent: aggressive]
TRENT
Robert –?
ROBERT
You know what I mean. But the gossip? I thought Sheila had changed. I thought she loved me. [Trent: a gossip] [Robert: needy] [betrayal (Trent) + betrayal (Sheila)]
TRENT
What gossip? [Trent: a gossip]
Trent has managed to get back up.
ROBERT
About Sheila and me… to fleece my friends and enrich yourselves at my expense? [aggressive]
Robert, let’s fly with a volley of fists.
Trent, bleeding, is on the floor again.
ROBERT
I should drag you out and throw you overboard. Think you could swim home?
Trent holds his hand up defensively.
ROBERT
Don’t worry. I’m not stupid. I’d rather watch your former friends disown you.
Robert waves Trent off and leaves, cool-headed. [smooth]
GRAND SALON
A slightly roughed-up Robert enters.
All eyes turn toward him. [suspense]
Sheila makes a quick exit. [fear]
ROBERT
Games over my friends. We’ve all been had. Ask Trent and Sheila – if you can find them. [big reveal]
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I like the way you have a note against the lines
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Alfred Gene,
Fun read! Good example of integrating the outline/criteria into a scene.
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Outline: Robert, a bartender, hit the trifecta over the weekend and is showing off his bottle-flipping skills to Amy. Trent isn’t impressed and Robert notices, so Robert gossips about Trent to Amy. Amy tells Trent and Trent conspires with Amy to get Trent into the back room.
FADE IN:
INT. BAR – DAY
Traditional bar with mirrored backdrop and shelves filled with bottles of every shape and color.
A large flat-screen TV is located above the far end where TRENT (20’S), smart blazer, white shirt, khaki pants and spit-shined black shoes, watches a basketball game on the screen sipping a clear-liquid drink with a lime floating on top.
A dozen other people mingle, laughing and watching the game.
ROBERT (20’s), the bartender, smoothly flips a bottle around and perfectly pours a drink from 12 inches above the glass, showing off to AMY (30’s), who sits in front of him.
GEORGE(40’s), the manager, smiles approvingly as he moves past him on the way out to the crowd.
GEORGE
You’re in a good mood.
ROBERT
Hit the trifecta yesterday.
Won three grand.
He flips the bottle with a double flip.
GEORGE
You should be on America’s Got Talent.
Trent looks at Amy, sees Robert showing off, frowns.
Robert glances around after his juggling feat to see who caught his act and notices Trent’s frowning disapproval.
A couple of men who liked Robert’s skills come closer. One gives a thumbs up.
ROBERT
Hey, y’all, guess who’s got
big time skeletons.
He motions for the two to lean in as if it’s going to be a big secret, a mischievous grin on his face.
One sits next to Amy. The other comes behind them.
Robert chuckles, reveling in the attention.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
You know Trent’s ex, Sara?
AMY
Yeah.
MAN 1
Who doesn’t?
ROBERT
She was seeing Trent’s father
on the side.
The two men look at each other, amazed.
MAN 2
No shit?
ROBERT
I kid you not.
AMY
Hard to believe she wouldn’t know she’d get caught doing something as stupid as that.
Two ladies hop up on seats next to Amy.
Robert, a man in charge and feeling good, spins a couple of napkins in the air and lays them in front of the two.
A CHEER comes up at the end of the bar by those watching the basketball game.
Amy peels off and heads toward the cheering.
The man standing behind her takes her seat and smiles at the two ladies.
Amy stands beside Trent, looks at the TV.
AMY (CONT’D)
Don’t look at me, but watch
the game.
Trent complies.
AMY (CONT’D)
The bartender says Sara was seeing your dad at the same time she was seeing you.
Trent stares at the TV as his face turns red.
TRENT
And he’s telling everyone this?
AMY
I guess. Told me and those guys who just sat down.
Trent gulps the rest of his drink down.
He notices George carrying a box of supplies into the men’s room.
TRENT
I need a favor.
AMY
Okay.
TRENT
I need to set him straight.
AMY
Okay.
TRENT
Follow me.
INT. HALLWAY – DAY
He leads her down a hallway to a supply room, turns the knob.
It opens to a dark room. He looks back. Nobody looking.
More CHEERING from around the corner at the TV.
TRENT
Will you cozy up to him and ask him to meet you in the supply room? Tell him you have something you want to show him in private, sort of flirt with him, you know?
AMY
I don’t know.
What are you going to do?
TRENT
I’m just going to talk to him, set him straight. I don’t want to have to wait until he’s off work, know what I mean? Nothing to worry about.
AMY
I’m sorry. I don’t want to get in the middle here. I just wanted to tell you what he said, but he’ll know I conspired with you.
TRENT
I’ve got a condo in Maui. You can have it for a week, or you can go with me and I’ll pay for everything. I like you, Amy, and I appreciate your letting me know the bullshit. You can have your own bedroom, you know, I mean, I like you and I’d like to do something cool like that with you, but I’m not trying to get in your pants.
Amy blushes, touches Trent on the arm.
AMY
Well, your dad was good to my dad when he worked for him.
(pause)
Okay.
She smiles a tempting smile, then turns and prances toward the bar noise, looking back over her shoulder with a flirty flip of the hair..
Trent goes into the room, shuts the door.
INT. SUPPLY ROOM – DAY
In a pitch-black room, the door opens and we see Robert flip the light on. Trent waits behind the door.
Robert, smiling with anticipation, puts his hand on Amy’s back and ushers her in.
As soon as he closes the door, Trent SUCKER PUNCHES him, right on the chin.
Trent falls hard, completely stunned and shocked.
Trent follows up like a lion tearing up a deer, kicking him in the stomach time after time.
AMY
Trent! Stop! That’s enough!
TRENT
Get out!
AMY
You said don’t worry. I could get in trouble here!
She backs away from him, afraid.
Trent grabs her, pushes her roughly toward the door.
TRENT
Get lost. Keep your mouth shut.
He opens the door, shoves her out.
He turns back to his prey, who now, MOANING, crawls to a corner, cowering.
TRENT (CONT’D)
Think you know something about my father, huh?
ROBERT
No, no, I was just ….
TRENT
Think you’re a hot shot with you clown act behind the bar. You ain’t shit, you peon.
He kicks Robert in the head, though Robert’s attempt to defend himself with his arms.
Robert curls up into a fetal position.
ROBERT
(screaming)
Help!
Trent kicks him one more time in the stomach.
TRENT
That’s for my dad.
ROBERT
Help!
The door opens. George is shocked to see Robert on the floor.
Trent rushes out past him as George goes down to check on Robert, whose face is pitiful, bloodied and swollen.
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I like the fight scene.
Some of the dialogue:
AMY
I’m sorry. I don’t want to get in the middle here. I just wanted to tell you what he said, but he’ll know I conspired with you.
doesn’t ring true to me.
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Loved the way this scene unfolded methodically. It made the beating very satisfactory at the end. Which I know is such a fucked up thing to say hahahaha
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Jack, nicely planned scene. Great set up for the ass-kicking 🙂
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Logline: Trentus, a corrupt Centurian, confronts his patron Robulus, a Roman Senator, after he realizes the “mild political intrigue” he was sent to carry out was, in reality, an attempt to thwart the Emperor.
NOTE: I changed “Trent” to “Trentus” and “Robert” to “Robulus” to make the names more authentically historically Roman. The scene opens with the sleazy Robulus debating a third-party Senator to put the situation into context.
Rough Draft 1: Okay, here’s some word-vomit 🙂
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INT. DAYTIME – TEMPLE OF CAPITOLUNUS
ROBULUS METTELUS FLACCUS, a Roman Senator, stands on a raised dais in the center of a chamber. Three rows of raised seats surround it, filled with other Senators.
ROBULUS
It’s a disgrace, allowing freedmen to hold government positions. What will he do next? Appoint slaves to replace the Senate?He is rebuked by SENATOR LUCIUS JUSTUS CLARUS.
LUCIUS
Emperor Claudius has earned the public’s respect. Thanks to his excursions into Brittania, he’s restored the public treasury, and brought peace to Judea.ROBULUS
Claudius can’t bring peace to his own household, much less Rome. They say his wife, Messalina, has sex—A loud commotion comes from the entrance of the Temple.
ROBULUS
–with his entire praetorian guard.OTHER SENATORS
(laugh)The commotion grows louder. A Centurian forces his way past the guards. TRENTUS QUINTUS MARCELLUS lunges towards ROBULUS. There is blood splattered on his armor.
TRENTUS
Your intrigues just cost me the lives of three of my men.ROBULUS
(glances furtively)
I have no idea what you speak of.TRENTUS
Liar! You sent me to expose his infidelities—
(he points at LUCIUS)
–not thwart the Emperor’s attempt to negotiate a truce with Thrace.ROBULUS
(looking panicked)
Guards! Get this freedman out of the chamber.The GUARDS move to intercept TITUS.
LUCIUS
Stop!
(gestures at other senators)
Since this allegedly involves me, I’d like to hear what this man has to say.ROBULUS
It has no relevance to today’s proceedings.LUCIUS
I say otherwise. To frame a fellow senator for ambitus is a crime.ROBULUS
It is all just a misunderstanding.
(gestures at TRENTUS)
Come, my good man. Let us discuss this matter privately in another room.ROBULUS beckons to a hallway that runs off the back of the senate chamber. The GUARDS nudge TRENTUS in that direction. TRENTUS marches with his back ramrod straight.
INT. DAYTIME – TEMPLE OF CAPITOLUNUS – SMALL BACK ROOM
ROBULUS
In here—He gestures for TRENTUS to go inside. The GUARDS move to follow.
ROBULUS
–not you. Wait outside.Their armor clanks as the GUARDS move outside the door. ROBULUS’ smooth demeanor changes the moment it shuts.
ROBULUS
(shouts)
Whatever possessed you to bring your grievance here.TRENTUS
I lost three of my men.ROBULUS
Through your own incompetence.TRENTUS
(hissing)
That carriage was carrying the Emperor’s niece, Agrippina, not Lucius’ mistress.ROBULUS
(waves hand dismissively)
A simple mistake.TRENTUS grabs ROBULUS by the toga.
TRENTUS
It wasn’t a mistake. She was guarded by the praetorian guard. And she wasn’t just carrying a few gold trinkets. She had an entire war-chest.ROBULUS
So? You lost three low-level nobodies? If it wasn’t for me, you’d still be a velite instead of commander of your own contubernia.TRENTUS
I am a citizen of Rome. If you won’t tell me the truth, than I will demand my right to take my case before the Emperor.ROBULUS blanches.
ROBULUS
You would implicate yourself. For the past three years, you have taken my bribes.TRENTUS punches ROBULUS in the face.
TRENTUS
What were you really up to, you bastard?ROBULUS
Guards! Help!TRENTUS throws ROBULUS to the ground and beats him. The GUARDS rush back inside the room. They attempt to pull TRENTUS off of ROBULUS.
TRENTUS
(shouts)
Treason! This jackal attempted to usurp the Emperor!The GUARDS pause and look to one another, uncertain.
ROBULUS
So now you support Claudius?
(sneers)
A weakling? Who only rose to power because he was appointed by the praetorian guard?TRENTUS
I took a vow—
He punches ROBULUS in the nose.
–to defend Rome!-
Not sure if you intended this to be funny or not, but I was extremely amused! (something about it reminded me of Monty Python’s Life of Brian, and I’m not only talking about the altered names you gave them hahahaha). Excellent and very entertaining! I think I only missed the “celebration” part where the scene situation was supposed to start from.
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“….I think I only missed the “celebration” part where the scene situation was supposed to start from…”
Yeah, I’m still working on that. I cut most of the R-rated speech and snarky comments from the other Senators that Robertus was making about the Emperor’s wife’s purported nymphomania (true history, BTW) when Trentus barges in. Hopefully on the second pass….?
[*Note to self – follow directions next time*]
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Anna,
It feels like triangulation is happening. Robulus and Trentus each have a third party pulling at them making it harder for them to take each other down directly. I can see the character traits and interest techniques you are building on.
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Anna, I love the Roman take on this. It’s interesting how it opens with a speech in the Senate but devolves into a back-room brawl between two scheming opportunists. Their character traits shine through. Interest techniques helped make this more interesting.
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Brian G. Walsh
Lesson 5 Scene: Robert & Trent
What I learned is: Establishing the character traits before writing the scene helps add depth to the characters.
TRENT: Conspiring, aggressive, meticulous, needy
ROBERT: Smooth, secretive, gregarious, low self-esteem
Scene Arc: Trent and Robert reside in a German prisoner-of-war camp near the end of World War II. They celebrate the escape of a fellow prisoner, but doubts soon creep in. Was the escapee an informer? Did someone set him up? Trent shows contempt for the Germans and questions who started the rumor that the escapee was an informer. An attempt to communicate with their captors gives away the real informer.
EXT. PRISON CAMP GROUNDS -- DAY
Dark clouds but no rain. A small prison camp of about twenty barracks laid out in a long line. The grounds are uniform, manicured dirt. Barbed wire encloses the entire camp. A guard stands overwatch in a forty-foot tower near the double gate.
A couple of dozen prisoners-of-war lounge around outside their barracks. Their uniforms are so dirty and worn that rank and country of issue is unidentifiable. Four men toss around an old, weathered ball. They smile and shout encouragement.
TRENT, 25, reed thin, pronounced chin, slouches. He claps his hands together. A cigarette always tucked behind one ear, he behaves as if this is a summer camp for his amusement. He keeps his fingernails as clean as possible and his manner refined.
TRENT
When the war's over, I'm going to come back here and buy this rotten dump. Convert it into a beer garden. No Krauts allowed, except as waiters.
ROBERT, 30, also thin, with a scar along the back of his neck, bounces the ball on the ground.
ROBERT
This is just like summer camp to me. With much stricter rules, mind you, but these clowns don't scare me.
TRENT
They're the one's who are scared, and rightly so. The ring is closing around their precious Reich.
He tosses the ball to BOURNE, 22, lanky and edgy. He wears an ear-to-ear grin.
BOURNE
Just a matter of time before our boys liberate the camp. Countin' the days, baby.
He WHOOPS out loud and throws the ball to
DENTON, 40, a bull of a man with a pudgy face and small, beady eyes. The ball looks small in his meaty hands. He squeezes it, looks around.
DENTON
(grins)
But Wilson made it! And if he escape, so can we!
TRENT
I wonder if old Murph is still alive.
Denton frowns. Bourne looks at the ground. Robert locks eyes with Trent.
ROBERT
They'll put us back on full rations tomorrow. That will make a full week. It's always a week.
A GERMAN ARMY SERGEANT, tall, fat, sinister eyes, watches them carefully from twenty yards away. He scowls at them.
ROBERT (CONT'D)
You see what that bastard did to Murphy after he caught him?
TRENT
(stares at Sergeant)
Yeah, come over here, Fritz.
The Sergeant looks away, but doesn't move. He places a hand on his gun.
BOURNE
You think it was all just for show?
Robert turns to him.
BOURNE (CONT'D)
Rumor says Wilson's an informer.
Denton squeezes the ball tighter. He mutters incoherently.
TRENT
Where did you hear that?
Bourne glances at Robert, shrugs and looks away.
DENTON
(eyeing Robert)
I heard it, too. Someone saw him pass a note to a guard.
ROBERT
Maybe that's the real reason he tried to escape. He knew the jig was up.
DENTON
You think he set up Murph?
Denton whips the ball to Trent.
TRENT
I think one out of two isn't half bad. I say, not a bad joke, what? One out of two. Half bad.
ROBERT
(to Trent)
You just had to push them.
Trent bounces the ball on the ground.
TRENT
I merely told them if they got help to us and I was freed, my family would reward them handsomely.
DENTON
If he was a fink, he'd tell the Krauts we helped plan the escape. They'd have done us like they done Murphy.
TRENT
Early days yet, my boy.
Four GERMAN GUARDS exit their barracks. Two carry sacks with very little in them.
ROBERT
Seems they finally recognized what a sterling gentleman you are, Trent. They sent you a maid service.
The Sergeant makes eye contact with the guards. A CORPORAL walks briskly over to him. The other three walk off to another building.
The Sergeant and the Corporal talk, out of hearing range.
Trent tosses the ball up in the air and drops it.
He drops to his knees, retrieves the ball.
The Sergeant marches over to him, puts one foot on the ball.
Trent yanks it out from under the sergeant's boot.
The sergeant fights to maintain balance.
Bourne and Denton laugh.
Robert watches closely.
The Sergeant cuffs Trent across the head.
The cigarette falls to the ground. The sergeant's foot kicks dirt over it.
The Sergeant seizes the ball. He blows his whistle, points to the barracks.
TRENT
Game over.
The Sergeant pushes him over onto his back.
Bourne and Denton walk into the barracks.
TRENT (CONT'D)
Now if they'd only hire me a decent tailor.
Trent brushes dirt off his pants, further obscuring
The cigarette on the ground.
Robert helps Trent up, nudges him towards the barracks.
Robert kneels, ties his shoe.
Trent stops at the barracks door, turns back.
Robert walks in past him.
INT. PRISON BARRACKS -- DAY
Forty bunk beds, twenty each against the north and south walls.
Most of the beds are occupied with sick and emaciated men.
Trent and Robert stand at opposite sides of a small table.
TRENT
You and your rumors. One of these days, that big mouth of yours is going to get you into big trouble.
ROBERT
Hey, don't look at me. I just passed it along. I don't know where it started.
TRENT
Who did you hear it from?
Robert looks away, shrugs.
Bourne stands at the door. Denton removes a long scrap of paper wedged into a crack in the wall. He peers out.
DENTON
The grounds crew is at it again.
Robert walks towards Denton.
Trent grabs his shoulder, spins him around.
TRENT
Who did you hear it from?
ROBERT
I did it to protect you. Everyone thought you were the informer. They were planning to kill you. I couldn't let that happen.
Trent releases Robert.
Robert walks over to Denton and peers out the crack.
TRENT
(to Robert)
You're the one who cozies up to the Krauts.
ROBERT
Herr Sergeant seems to be looking for something.
Trent comes up beside them to take a look.
POV: The Sergeant, Corporal and two guards search the ground where Trent was kneeling when the Sergeant hit him.
DENTON
What the hell are they doing?
Robert turns to Trent.
ROBERT
Looking for a note dropped by their informer.
DENTON
But Wilson . . .
ROBERT
They're not going to find it, Trent.
Robert holds up the dirty cigarette. Denton and Bourne close in.
Robert slowly unrolls the cigarette. Ersatz tobacco drops to the floor.
INSERT: Cigarette paper with tiny German handwriting
Trent SHOVES Robert into Bourne, rushes to the door
Denton TACKLES HIM
Trent rolls over, shoves Denton back
Robert KICKS Trent in the face
Trent collapses
Denton runs to the door, opens it a crack
Robert GRABS Trent by the hair, turns him over and
SLAMS his face into the floor
ONCE -- TWICE -- THREE TIMES!
Bourne watches through the crack in the wall.
Robert rolls Trent over, straddles him and
STRANGLES him.
BOURNE
The guards!
Denton pulls Robert off Trent, tosses him aside
Drags Trent to a bunk, heaves him onto it, turns him on his side, throws a threadbare blanket over him.
Robert and Bourne hurriedly sit, pick papers off the table and read.
Denton jumps into his own bed.
The barracks door OPENS
The Sergeant, the Corporal and two guards step in.
The Sergeant scans the room.
Robert and Bourne watch the Sergeant closely.
The Sergeant's gaze falls on Trent.
Trent's back is to him.
The Sergeant glances at Robert and Bourne.
ROBERT
Problem, Herr feldwebel?
The Sergeant scans the room again. His eyes fall on Trent. He quickly looks away. He nods to his guards. They turn and leave.
The Sergeant stares at Robert and Bourne a moment, then leaves.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Brian Walsh.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Brian Walsh.
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Every time I post there are HTML tags included. I can’t figure out how to post without these cursed tags appearing every time. I’ve had to go line-by-line to delete them, but this post is too long for me to do that right now. Can someone please tell me why when I cut and paste from my word processing program this keeps happening? How can I avoid this?
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Hey Brian! You’re right. It’s very difficult to read your scene in this form. Have you tried perhaps copying and pasting your text from your word-processing app into notepad or something similar before you re-copy it and paste it in here? It might work!
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Thank you, Yanni, and thank you, Anna. I thought about this the first day, but I couldn’t find notepad or wordpad on my computer, so I assumed I didn’t have either. After reading your comments, I did a Google search and learned how to find it by holding the “Windows logo” button and typing “notepad.” I’ve been experimenting for days using Movie Magic Screenwriter and other programs, but none of them worked. Your comments compelled me to search again.
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MS-word formatting wreaks havoc on html-based message boards. Just cut-and-drop it into a .txt document (notepad) to strip out all of the junk formatting, and then cut-and-paste it a second time into the SU messageboard. You can then go back and manually add bold and italics in the messageboard itself.
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Thank you, Anna, and thank you, Yanni. I thought about this the first day, but I couldn’t find notepad or wordpad on my computer, so I assumed I didn’t have either. After reading your comments, I did a Google search and learned how to find it by holding the “Windows logo” button and typing “notepad.” I’ve been experimenting for days using Movie Magic Screenwriter and other programs, but none of them worked. Your comments compelled me to search again.
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Brian, you can post and then edit the HTML tags out. After you’ve posted, just hover over the top right corner and you’ll see an ellipsis. Select Edit. Hope that helps.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Leah Gunderson.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by
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Brian, I agree that character traits adds depths to the characters. Personally, I am still struggling to use dialogue to reveal those character traits/personalities.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by
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INT. AUCTION HOUSE AFTERNOON TUESDAY
Flea market vendors gather to bid on product at wholesale prices. ROBERT 65 has arrived wearing western wear. His cousin TRENT 45 arrives, as well and just wears a suit and tie when everyone else wears jeans and a t-shirt. They have separate booths so they buy independent from each other. They inspect the product. Robert talks to the auctioneer.
ROBERT
…Alice is a con artist. You shouldn’t even be selling to her.
AUCTIONEER
Really?
ROBERT
Yep, and so is Mark.
AUCTIONEER
Well, you would know.
Auctioneer whispers in his clerks ear.
AUCTIONEER
(whispering loudly)
Don’t sell to Alice or Mark.
AUCTIONEER
(to the crowd)
Okay, lets get started.
Trent and Robert take their seats on the metal chairs. We see items being held up to bid on.
TRENT
John, go get me lunch please. I’ll pay you back.
JOHN
No. You never paid me back the last time.
TRENT
You want this relationship to work out? Then do it.
JOHN
I well I–
TRENT
–Fine, I’ll do it. But You’ll regret it.
JOHN
No I’ll do it.
TRENT
Too late. I’m going.
They both started going to the kitchen then Trent stopped and went back to his chair. John came back without food.
TRENT
What the…? Where’s my food.
JOHN
There’s either a dead man in the kitchen or he’s sleeping.
Trent walked to the kitchen to see if this man was dead. He goes into the kitchen and approaches the man. He checks for a pulse but can’t find one. He goes to tell Robert.
TRENT
Peter is dead in the kitchen.
ROBERT
Did you call 911 or security?
TRENT
Not yet. You could look at him.
ROBERT
You know I’m retired. Fine, alright I’ll help.
Trent let him get by. Robert approached the security officer.
ROBERT
Follow me.
Robert walks to the kitchen with security officer. He examines the body. He gets a faint pulse.
ROBERT
Peter who did this to you?
PETER
Trrrrreeeennnnttt.
Peter died in front of Robert.
ROBERT
(turning to the crowd)
Okay, everyone this is a crime scene.
He turns to the security man.
ROBERT
No one is allowed to leave this building until the police have secured it. Now call the police.
The officer makes the official call. Robert approaches Trent who is sitting on a metal chair.
ROBERT
When did you find out about Peter’s death.
TRENT
As soon as John told me.
ROBERT
Well, he wasn’t dead when you found him. Because I spoke to him after that.
The color drained from Trent’s face. He bolted out of the room pulling merchandise down behind him. Robert chased after him into a back room. This room had a door to the outside and Trent was grabbing the door knob and pulling the door open. Robert grabbed Trent’s arm and twisted it be hind his back. Trent came around and punched Robert in the face knocking his glasses off. Robert let go of Trent for a second then ignored his glasses with rage and tackled Trent to the ground. Trent kicked Robert over and over, trying to get up. But Robert held on. The cops arrive shortly after and arrest Trent.
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Interesting scene. I don’t quite see the “from celebration” part of the story arc. Also, have you tried committing to writing in the present tense only? The use of the past tense in a lot of your action description could potentially throw off a reader and may come across as reading a novel instead of a screenplay.
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Hi Yanni, thanks for the crit. I can fix the celebration theme easily, just have it be Robert’s birthday. I tend to write in past tense because I’ve been working on novels for 25 years, but I’ll fix that also. Good eye.
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Beth, I went from writing screenplays to writing novels, so I know how difficult the use of tense can be changing from one to the other.
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Beth, I can see the character traits and interest techniques your are using. Looking forward to your 2nd pass.
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Thanks for the crit Leah.
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Beth, the use of the gossip was a little too overt. However, you used the character traits and interest techniques really well.
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Angelina Fluehler The dialogue needs to be smoothed out. You left some words out.
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Lynn Vincentnathan You did a very good job with your script here. Great scene.
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EXT. YACHT, LAKE MEAD, NEVADA — NIGHT
The gigantic boat’s docked in a cove; craggy mountains stretch behind it. A zillion stars speckle the desert sky. Moonlights dances on the still water.
The yacht’s packed with frat boys and sorority girls, livin’ la vida loca. Ah, it’s good to be young and on spring break. An overworked bartender feverishly pours drinks.
Seated in chairs on the deck, TRENT and ROBERT competitively flirt with a beautiful BLONDE, sporting a sexy summer dress. Trent dons a $5,000 designer suit, flaunting his (alleged) wealth. All three swig cocktails, adding to their already debauched state of drunkenness.
Blonde: So… what’s the g-p after walking the ol’ plank?
Trent: Business school. Then, ya know, Master of the Universe. Figure a mil by 30, bil by 40.
Picks lint off his suit jacket as Robert sips his rum & coke, staying conspicuously silent.
Blonde: Bachelor number two?
Robert: Oh, only the most important job in the world…
Trent snorts. Robert and the blonde shoot him a glance.
Trent: Oh, shit. Was that out loud?
Robert: Let’s just say I’m more about leaving a mark, ya know, than carbon footprints. (Trent rolls his eyes). I think it’s all about giving back. Ya know? What you can do for others… I think at the end of your life, it’s not how many toys you have- no matter how shiny- but how much you contributed to society.
Blonde: Mmm, that’s sweet.
Robert: Funny you, uh… that’s actually my middle name. Yep, Robert ‘Sweet’ Jones.
The blonde titters as Trent fumes, guzzling his drink.
Robert (to blonde): You’re cute when you laugh. Ya know, my friends say I move too fast, but… will you marry me?
She cackles, making Trent more uneasy. He’s losing the battle for the girl.
Robert: Oops, sorry- meant to ask: ‘need another drink?’
Trent: I need like 10 to wash out all that BS. (to blonde) Hope you ain’t buying any a’ that- smart girl like you.
Stands up, fiddling with his iPhone. The blonde shakes her empty can of White Clam.
Blonde: Blackberry, por favor.
Trent pats his pockets. A shocked look paints his face.
Trent: Ah, shit. Left my wallet in the… (to Robert) Hook me up, bro. You know I’m good for it.
Robert sighs. Hands him a crumpled twenty. Trent smooths it out.
Robert: (to blonde): See? What I tell ya? Givin’ back already. That’s what I do.
Trent leaves his phone on the chair, slaps on his AirPods and struts to the bar. When he’s out of earshot-
Robert: Is it just me or do you think ‘Masters of the Universe’ should be able to afford their own drinks?
The blonde smiles. Robert leans in, secretive. On the chair, we see the iPhone is recording.
Robert: Can I tell you something?
Trent’s at the bar. AirPods in his ears, he can hear their conversation.
Robert: Don’t tell anyone, but… that dude ain’t got a pot to piss in.
Blonde: What?
Robert: Why anyone would piss in a pot, I don’t… it’s kinda sad, actually. His dad’s doin’ time.
Blonde: Whoa! Seriously?
Robert: Yeah, money laundering, er… I dunno, a get-quick-rich scheme that went bad… apple and the tree, huh?
Blonde: Huh.
Robert: Hey, whaddya say we get outta here, talk a walk? Kinda wanna check out that trail, looks dope.
Blonde: Uh, kinda waitin’ for my… ooh! There it is.
Trent swaggers over with his drink and a White Clam.
Robert: Ah, speak of the devil. Literally.
Trent hands the blonde the Clam.
Trent: Here ya go, darling. (to Robert) Hey, I just ran into Bowker- wants a quick meeting, bros only. C’mon.
Against his will, Robert rises to his feet.
Trent (to the blonde): Be right back, darling.
Robert: (to the blonde) Don’t leave, okay?
He follows Trent into the hull of the yacht… all alone, the blonde sips her drink… just then, a DAPPER GUY sashays over to her.
Dapper guy: Everything okay?
Blonde: Yeah. Fine.
Dapper guy: Dave Bowker. Nice to meet you.
Shakes the blonde’s hand. In the b.g., we hear the rumble and tumble of a fight. Seconds later, Trent marches onto the deck, straightening his jacket. Checks to make sure there’s no stains on it; we see a tag on the jacket. No doubt Trent plans on returning it after the yacht party.
He treks toward the blonde, but she’s gone. In the distance, we see her and Bowker hiking up the trail. Trent sighs, gulping down his drink. Robert staggers out of the bathroom, bruised and battered, searching for the girl.
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David, I really like it. Tight scene in terms of action and dialogue. With the setting being Lake Mead, I kept waiting for a dead body to be pulled from the lake or dumped into it!
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David, that was really good. The dialogue was excellent and really gave insight to who these characters are. Great use of traits and interest techniques.
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Leah Max Interest Part 1
Logline: Celebration becomes an ass-kicking.
Essence: Trent thrives on manipulating others for monetary gain; it’s payback time.
Interest Techniques: suspense, surprise, uncertainty/fear, intrigue, betrayal, major twist, supriseBack Room Scene: In a dimly lit room, Robert, presses his ear against the door. His forehead breaks out in sweat as he hears the mingle of celebratory music and happy voices. When the happy birthday song begins, his face turns ashen. When the song ends, his breath shortens. His eyes widen with fear when he hears one voice, Trent, thanking his guest.
TRENT: Thank you. Everyone. Thanks. All of you. When I was young, I dreamed of giving to friends and family . . . never knew I’d be able to give so much. Yes, this is my birthday, but the surprise is how much I love each of you. Each of you have only added to my life. Humbly, your happiness is my joy.
Robert quickly wipes his face and mechanically smiles as he swings open the door. Robert steps his left foot through the doorway keeping his right foot concealed behind the wall.
ROBERT: True, Trent! But me thinks thou dost protest too much. You are the man of hour, so let’s let this be your hour, or should I say our hour. Hears to Trent, our true friend!
TRENT: Robert! Didn’t know you could make it! Wonderful birthday surprise you are! Excuse me for a moment.
The room joins in with cheers and resumes festivities as Trent happily makes his way towards Robert. The door closes. Trent locks it. The chain shackled to Robert’s right ankle drags across the floor as he returns to the only chair in the room that is place against the wall beneath a large decorative mirror.
TRENT: Good show.
ROBERT: You have a way out.
TRENT: No, you have a way out because you are my way in.
ROBERT: Buddy. I’m on your side. We’re friends. We’ve always been friends. Always. You don’t have to do this.
Trent’s fists tighten and his face turns red. He leans into Robert’s face hissing in a low whisper.
TRENT: Not enough! Friends give! You’re gonna give!
Trent confidently takes zips ties from his pant pocket and secures Robert’s ankles to the front legs of the chair. With a superior look, Trent pulls a pouch from his other suit pocket and drizzles a black powder in a circle on the floor around the chair. Robert intensely watches as the circle is fully completed.
ROBERT: So sorry. I am so sorry.
Trent takes a moment to admire his image in the mirror.
TRENT: You’re gonna love the view.
ROBERT: I only told you to warn you. To keep you safe. Keep you free. That’s all.
Trent pulls a box from the corner and evenly places candles into the black powder. Excitedly, Trent lights the candles and turns off the light. Sitting on the floor outside the circle, Trent smiles menacingly up into Robert’s face. Robert is motionless. Trent strikes a match.
TRENT: What is yours is now mine . . . meaning I now possess you!
Trent ignites the black powder and begins burning its way around the circle counter-clockwise! A muffled screeching is heard as a black mist bulges from the mirror and descends to fill the room – everywhere except inside the circle where Robert is seated.
ROBERT: I am so sorry!
The dark entities press Trent onto his back. Trent opens his mouth in terror, but not sound escapes. The black mist pours into Trent’s mouth and his body begins to rise from the floor. Trent’s body is pressed up and drug along the ceiling and then suspended mid air for the demons to attack. Bones crack. Blood gushes from Trent’s eyes, mouth, nose, and ears. Robert averts his eyes and a smile of duper’s delight begins in the corners of his mouth. Robert watches the fire complete the circle and extinguish itself. The room is silenced with Trent’s broken body still suspended above the floor. The only sound is Trent’s quiet, ragged breath.
ROBERT: Release me!
The midst of evil obeys and loosens the zip ties and shackle. Robert calmly walks over to Trent.
ROBERT: I now possess you. Body, soul, and all you took from me!
Robert breaths in deeply. The dark midst wraps around Trent and flows into Robert’s mouth. Robert likes it. Trent’s body turns to ash that falls to the floor as his life’s essence is consumed. Robert stirs the air above the ashes. The ash rises into a miniature cyclone. When all the ash is gathered, Robert flings it into the mirror. It is followed by the dark midst of demons that race back into the mirror after it.
The mirror ices over. Robert struts over in front of the mirror as the mirror quickly defrosts from top to bottom. Instead of Roberts reflection, we see Trent looking out of the mirror in terror.
ROBERT: I love watching your own words take you down. So sorry, but I do!
Robert places his hand on the center of the mirror. His body transforms into the perfect image of Trent. Robert winks at Trent who stares back in disbelief.
ROBERT: You’re gonna love the view.
Robert leaves the back room and rejoins the birthday party. The door closes and is locked from the outside. Trent inside the mirror pounds his fist on the inside of the mirror in rage.
Party sounds diminish. All is quiet. The back door to the room opens. Robert, looking like Trent enters the room with a dark sheet. Robert places his hand in the center of the mirror and transforms back into the image of Robert. Trent is stunned, but observant. Robert covers the mirror with the sheet and takes the mirror from off the wall while Trent’s wife returns the candles to the box along with the broken chain and zip ties leaving no evidence in the room. They carry the mirror and box out of the room locking the door behind them. All that remains in the room is the chair.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Leah Gunderson.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Leah Gunderson.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Leah Gunderson.
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It’s a start, but I haven’t really accomplished what the assignment is asking me to.
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Leah, you made good use of several interest techniques and the demons turning against Trent to help Robert was a genuine surprise. I think the dialogue would benefit from more use of subtext.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by
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Jeremy, I did the same thinking of everything else I forgot about the celebration.
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PASS #2
EXT. YACHT, LAKE MEAD, NEVADA — NIGHT
The enormous boat’s docked in a cove; craggy mountains stretch behind it, providing a postcard setting. The yacht’s packed with frat boys and sorority girls, livin’ la vida loca. An overworked, underappreciated bartender feverishly pours drinks.
Seated in chairs on the deck, TRENT and ROBERT competitively flirt with a beautiful BLONDE, sporting a sexy summer dress. Trent dons a $5,000 designer suit, flaunting his (alleged) wealth. All three drink cocktails, adding to their debauched state of drunkenness.
BLONDE: God, can’t believe it’s only six weeks away. I’m literally having panic attacks… so what’s the g-p after walkin’ the proverbial plank?
TRENT. Business school. Then, ya know, Master of the Universe. First mil by 30, bil by 40.
Picks lint off his suit jacket as Robert sips his rum & coke.
BLONDE: Enterprising. Bachelor number two?
ROBERT: What, like a profession? (the girl nods) Oh, only the most important job in the world…
Trent snorts loudly. The others gawk at him. Trent swigs his drink.
BLONDE: Care to elaborate, B-2?
ROBERT: Let’s just say I’m more about leaving a mark than, ya know, carbon footprints (Trent rolls his eyes). I think it’s all about giving back. Ya know? What you contribute to society.
BLONDE: Hmm. Impressive.
TRENT: No, ya know what’s impressive? Flying to Ibiza in your Lear jet for the weekend- just because you can.
BLONDE: Wouldn’t turn that down.
Trent smirks at Robert, gaining the upper hand. Robert slouches his head.
ROBERT: Yeah, who am I kidding? All my idealism. Prob’ly be out on the street, begging for change… but I’ll have really cool signs, though- like, super creative. You’d cough up money, believe me.
The blonde smiles. Trent slugs down his drink.
TRENT (to blonde): Looks like you need a refill, darling.
BLONDE: Black cherry, por favor.
And gulps down her White Claw. Trent rises to his feet, straightening out his jacket. We glimpse a tag still on it; no doubt Trent plans on returning it after the soiree. Trent fiddles with his iPhone, then checks his pockets… a horrid look paints his face.
TRENT: Ah, shit. Musta left my… (to Robert) hook me up, bro. C’mon.
ROBERT: Maybe you’re the one who’ll be beggin’ for change. Won’t have as good a sign as me, though, promise.
Trent glares daggers at Robert as he fishes a crumpled twenty out of his pocket. Hands it to Trent, who immediately smooths it out.
ROBERT (to the blonde): See? Givin’ back already. It’s what I do.
Trent sets his iPhone on his chair, slaps in his AirPods and struts away. When he’s out of earshot-
ROBERT: Is it me or do ya think ‘Masters of the Universe’ should be able to buy their own drinks?
The blonde titters. Robert leans in, secretive. On the chair, we see that the iPhone is recording.
ROBERT: Can I tell you a secret?
Trent’s at the bar. AirPods in his ears, he can hear the conversation.
ROBERT: Don’t tell anyone, but… that dude ain’t got a pot to piss in.
BLONDE: Really?
ROBERT: Why anyone would piss in a pot, I don’t… like, why wouldn’t ya just go in the grass? I mean, why waste a good pot? (the blonde titters). It’s kinda sad, actually. His dad’s doin’ time.
BLONDE: Whoa! Seriously?
At the bar, Trent fumes as he gets his drinks.
ROBERT: Yeah, some money laundering thing… I dunno, a get-quick-rich scheme that went bad… the proverbial apple and the tree, huh?
BLONDE: ‘Proverbial?’ You stealin’ my words?
ROBERT: Well, you stole my heart- it’s only fair.
BLONDE: Ugh, want some wine with that cheese?
ROBERT: Hey, wanna get outta here, check out that trail? Looks kinda dope.
BLONDE: Uh, kinda waitin’ for my… ooh, there it is!
Trent swaggers over with his drink and a White Clam.
ROBERT: Ah, speak of the devil. Literally.
BLONDE (re: literally): Ugh, there ya go again- thief.
Trent suavely cracks open the Clam, hands it to the blonde.
TRENT: Here ya go, darling. (to Robert) Oh, hey- ran into Bowker at the bar. Wants a quick meeting, bros only. C’mon.
Against his will, Robert rises to his feet.
Trent (to the blonde): Be right back, darling. Don’t you dare leave.
Robert: (to the blonde) Yeah, seriously. My heart would literally break.
Robert follows Trent toward the hull of the yacht… the blonde eyes them, put off by their neediness… just then, a DAPPER GUY sashays over to her, radiating confidence.
DAPPER GUY: Everything okay?
BLONDE: I guess.
DAPPER GUY: Dave Bowker. Nice to meet you.
And shakes hands with the smitten blonde. In the b.g, we hear the muted sounds of a fight inside the hull…. seconds later, Trent marches onto the deck, straightening his jacket. Checks to make sure there’s no stains on it.
He treks toward the blonde, but she’s gone. In the distance, we see her and Bowker hiking up the trail, talking and laughing.
Trent sighs, gulping down his drink. Looks around for his next target… Robert staggers out of the hull, bruised and battered, searching for the girl… seeing her with Bowker, he sighs and tramps to the bar. Defeated, once again.
-
Beth Zurkowski Second pass
INT. AUCTION HOUSE AFTERNOON TUESDAY
Fleamarket vendors gather to bid on product at wholesale prices. ROBERT 65 has arrived wearing western wear. His cousin TRENT 45 arrives, as well and just wears a suit and tie when everyone else wears jeans and a t-shirt. They have separate boothes so they buy independent from each other. They inspect the product. It’s Robert’s birthday and a cake is brought in to celebrate. Robert talks to the auctioneer.
ROBERT
…Alice is a con artist. You shouldn’t even be selling to her.
AUCTIONEER
Really?
ROBERT
Yep, and so is Mark.
AUCTIONEER
Well, you would know.
Auctioneer whispers in his clerks ear.
AUCTIONEER
(whispering loudly)
Don’t sell to Alice or Mark.
Alice and Mark overhear the comments.
ALICE
What? Why can’t you sell to us?
Their eyes shoot daggers at Robert.
ROBERT
Because you’re as bad as Dr. Oz and Oprah.
MARK
What are you talking about?
ALICE
We like to help people lose weight. Unlike you who brought in donuts and a birthday cake today.
MARK
Can’t you please sell to us? Robert just made up the rumor that we are con artists. We are entrepreneurs that’s all.
AUCTIONEER
Sorry, but I’m not selling to you. Good day.
Robert sat with a smile on his face as Alice and Mark left the building.
AUCTIONEER
(to the crowd)
Okay, lets get started.
Trent and Robert take their seats on the metal chairs. We see items being held up to bid on.
TRENT
John, go get me lunch please. I’ll pay you back.
JOHN
No. You never paid me back the last time.
TRENT
You want this relationship to work out? Then do it.
JOHN
I well I–
TRENT
–Fine, I’ll do it. But You’ll regret it.
JOHN
No, I’ll do it.
TRENT
Too late. I’m going.
They both start going to the kitchen then Trent stops and goes back to his chair. John comes back without food.
TRENT
What the…? Where’s my food.
JOHN
There’s either a dead man in the kitchen or he’s sleeping.
Trent walks to the kitchen to see if this man is dead. He goes into the kitchen and approaches the man. He checks for a pulse but can’t find one. He goes to tell Robert.
TRENT
Peter is dead in the kitchen.
ROBERT
Did you call 911 or security?
TRENT
Not yet. You could look at him.
ROBERT
You know I’m retired. Fine alright I’ll help.
Trent let him get by. Robert approached the security officer.
ROBERT
Follow me.
Robert walks to the kitchen with security officer. He examines the body. He gets a faint pluse.
ROBERT
Peter who did this to you?
PETER
Trrrrreeeennnnttt.
Peter dies in front of Robert.
ROBERT
(turning to the crowd)
Okay, everyone this is a crime scene.
He turns to the security man.
ROBERT
No one is allowed to leave this building until the police have secured it. Now call the police.
The officer makes the official call. Robert approaches Trent who is sitting on a metal chair.
ROBERT
When did you find out about Peter’s death.
TRENT
As soon as John told me.
ROBERT
Well, he wasn’t dead when you found him. Because I spoke to him after that.
The color drained from Trent’s face. He bolted out of the room pulling merchandise down behind him. Robert chases after him into a back room. This room had a door to the outside and Trent was grabbing the door knob and pulling the door open. Robert grabs Trent’s arm and twists it behind his back. Trent came around and punches Robert in the face knocking his glasses off. Robert let go of Trent for a second. Then Trent kicks him in the knee, but Robert doesn’t really feel it, basically a miss. Robert hits Trent with a baseball bat in packaging over and over. Trent falls to the floor and Robert sits on him until police arrive to arrest him.
-
REWRITE of Scene 5
———-
INT. LATE AFTERNOON – TEMPLE OF CAPITOLUNUS
ROBULUS METTELUS FLACCUS, a Roman Senator, reclines upon a couch in the center of the chamber, somewhat inebriated as a SLAVE GIRL pours a glass of wine. Three rows of seats surround the raised dais, filled with other SENATORS, their SLAVES, and vats of wine, cheese, and various fruits and snacks.
ROBULUS
It’s a disgrace, allowing freedmen to hold government positions. What will the Claudius do next?
(gestures at the slaves)
Appoint slaves to replace the Senate?He is rebuked by SENATOR TRENTUS QUINTUS MARCELLUS.
TRENTUS
My father was a freedman. He went on to become a successful vintner.SENATOR A
(holds up his goblet)
And a fine vintage you’ve provided for us all today, Trentus.OTHER SENATORS
Hear, hear!SENATOR A pinches the SLAVE GIRL who is pouring him another glass of wine in the ass.
SENATOR A
–not to mention, the most luscious fruit.The SLAVE GIRL squeals half-heartedly. She looks to TRENTUS, who gives her a grim nod. The SLAVE GIRL bends over SENATOR A, giving him a view of her ample bosom.
TRENTUS raises his goblet.
TRENTUS
To Emperor Claudius. Thanks to his exploits in Brittania, he’s restored the public treasury, and brought peace to Judea.ROBULUS
Claudius can’t bring peace to his own household, much less Rome. They say his wife, Messalina, has sex—A loud commotion comes from the entrance of the Temple.
ROBULUS
–with his entire praetorian guard.OTHER SENATORS
(laugh)The commotion grows louder. A ROMAN CENTURIAN forces his way past the guards and lunges towards ROBULUS. There is blood splattered on his armor.
CENTURIAN
(shouts)
Your intrigues<i style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> just cost me the lives of three of my men.ROBULUS
(glances furtively)
I have no idea what you speak of.CENTURIAN
Liar! You sent me to expose his<i style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> infidelities<i style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>—
(he points at TRENTUS)
–not thwart the Emperors attempt to negotiate a truce with Thrace.ROBULUS
(looks panicked)
Guards! Get this freedman out of the chamber.The GUARDS move to intercept CENTURIAN.
TRENTUS
Stop!
(gestures at other senators)
Since this allegedly involves <i style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>me, I’d like to hear what this man has to say.ROBULUS
It has no relevance on today’s proceedings.TRENTUS
I say otherwise. To frame a fellow senator for ambitus is a crime.ROBULUS
Says the delegate who would sell his vote to Pluto to earn a few extra denarii.OTHER SENATORS
(laugh)TRENTUS
(to the CENTURIAN)
Tell us about this intrigue?ROBULUS
It is all just a misunderstanding.
(grabs the CENTURIAN’s arm)
Come, my good man. Let us discuss this matter privately in another room.ROBULUS drags the CENTURIAN down a hallway that runs off the back of the senate chamber. TRENTUS follows at a discreet distance.
INT. LATE AFTERNOON – TEMPLE OF CAPITOLUNUS – SMALL BACK ROOM
ROBULUS
In here—He gestures for the CENTURIAN to go inside. The GUARDS move to follow. ROBULUS says disdainfully–
ROBULUS
–not you. Wait outside.Their armor clanks as the GUARDS move outside the door. They pass TRENTUS, who cracks open the door to eavesdrop. ROBULUS’ smooth demeanor changes.
ROBULUS
(shouts at Centurian)
Whatever possessed you to bring your grievance here?CENTURIAN
I just watched three of my men get slaughtered.ROBULUS
Through your own incompetence.CENTURIAN
(hissing)
That carriage was carrying the Emperor’s niece, Agrippina, not his—
(points at the cracked door)
–mistress. She was guarded by the praetorian guard.TRENTUS bursts into the room and grabs ROBULUS by the toga.
TRENTUS
You hired mercenaries to attack my personal chariot?CENTURIAN
He did. He paid my men ten denarius apiece.TRENTUS
(gives Robulus a shake)That chariot carried my father’s entire fortune.
ROBULUS
(sneers)
What of it? The fortune of a former slave?TRENTUS
The fortune that slave put at Claudius’ disposal.TRENTUS punches ROBULUS in the face.
ROBULUS
Guards! Help!TRENTUS throws ROBULUS to the ground and beats him. The GUARDS rush inside the room. They attempt to pull TRENTUS off of ROBULUS.
TRENTUS
Treason! This jackal<i style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> attempted to thwart the Emperor’s peace deal!ROBULUS
So now you support Claudius?
(sneers)
A weakling? Who only rose to power because he was appointed by the praetorian guard?TRENTUS|
I might be from a lowly merchant family, but I took a vow—He punches ROBULUS in the nose.
–to defend Rome!
-
INT; SALLY’S BAR & GRILLE, BUFFALO FLATS, NEBRASKA – EARLY EVENING
Sally Blazey the owner, is a husky built woman of a certain age with carrot red hair. She is behind the bar filling the cooler. Sunny, her younger sister, serves beer to the regulars seated at the far end of the bar.
The jukebox plays a scratchy record of “Coal Miner’s Daughter.” Sally and Sunny sing along.
Ranch raised cowboys rush in from the fairgrounds rodeo arena. Dirty and sweaty, they elbow and shove to be first to the only table and the empty stools. Those without a seat crowd in between and stand, waiting to order. Sunny takes their orders while Sally sachets to the table.
Seated at the table are Trent Kenner (26) and Robert Painter (25). Both are dressed in red western cut shirts with the Rocking K brand embroidered on the back, large brimmed black western hats. Both have heavy black side burns and black, piercing eyes. Also at the table are friends, Trigg (23) and Casey (24), both unremarkable in dress and demeanor.
SALLY: What can I get for ya, boys?
TRIGG: Do you have Pabst Blue Ribbon?
SALLY: Sure thing. The truck came in this afternoon.
CASEY: A Blue.
ROBERT: Ole Casey here won the bull ridin’. He’s rollin’ in dough. He should buy the first round.
TRIGG: Good idea!
TRENT: Nothin’ doin”, Sally.
Trent stands on his chair and waves his arms to get everyone’s attention. He shouts.
TRENT (Cont.): I’m buyin’ the first round for the entire house!
The cowboys cheer. Trent gloats, basking in the attention.
SALLY: You sure?
TRENT (snaps) I said so, didn’t I? Get me a Bud. Get Robert a Bud too.
ROBERT: (in a childlike voice) I’m a big boy now. I can order all by myself.
TRENT (dismissive) Whatever.
SALLY: Two Blue and two Bud.
ROBERT: Change mine to a Blue.
SALLY: Three Blues and a Bud.
Sally turns to leave.
CASEY: Change mine to a Bud.
SALLY: Two Blues and two Bud.
TRIGG: I’ll have a Bud instead of a Blue.
SALLY: Three Bud and 1 Blue. Are you sure: Not gonna change ya mind again?
TRIGG: Nope.
Sally searches each face for a change in the order.
SALLY: Goin’ once. Goin’ twice…
She scurries back to the bar.
A homely girl wearing tight Wranglers passes by the table on her way to the powder room.
Trent follows, sways his hips, mocking her. He glances back, to see who is watching his performance.
TRENT (speaking in a feminine falsetto) I must go powder my perky little nose. See ya later, boys!
The boys at the table roar with laughter. Trent disappears into the men’s room.
TRIGG: I bet he’s a riot to travel with.
ROBERT: Not really.
Sally sets the beers on the table and pops the tops.
SALLY: Three Buds and a Blue.
TRIGG: (teasing) I think the order was for three Blues and a Bud.
SALLY: Cute! Boys, all I ask is that you behave tonight. The last time ya’all were here it cost you a pretty penny for the damages.
TRIGG: We’ll be good. Promise.
Sally leaves. Robert leans in close. The other two do the same.
ROBERT: I don’t know if it’s true…but Trent’s last girlfriend told me that he’s double gaited.
Trigg’s mouth gapes open. He chokes on his beer, spitting it across the table. He slowly regains composure.
TRIGG: Oh God.
CASEY: I don’t get it.
TRIGG: (lowering his voice) Trent’s last girlfriend found out he likes both guys and gals.
CASEY: Na. Geez. It can’t be true. Can it?
ROBERT: I, myself, haven’t seen any evidence, but girls are sensitive to things like that, ya know.
Trent returns. He sits and takes a swig of his beer. His other arm comes up wet.
TRENT: Yuk! Who spilt beer all over? That’s just like a bunch of hillbillies. Bar rag!
Trent goes behind the bar, finds the bar rag and wipes down the entire table. He wads up the bar rag and heaves it toward the bar. It hits a cowboy on the shoulder. Dan Clapper (30) turns to the table.
DAN: Hey, what’s the idea? Who threw this rag?
All the cowboys at the table put on their best expressions of innocence. Dan throws the rag to Sunny.
CASEY: (to Trent & Robert) You two could pass for twins. Are you brothers?
TRENT: Nope. Just kissin’ cousins.
Trent makes kissing noises in Robert’s ear. He laughs. Casey and Trigg are repulsed.
CASEY: (leaning toward Trigg) So, it’s true?
Trigg shrugs it off. Dan stands by the open door.
DAN: Man oh man! Look at that rig.
Several cowboys crowd around the doorway, frozen, awestruck. Robert breaks the spell.
ROBERT: Holy smokes. I’ve never seen a trailer like that before!
TRENT: I’ve been thinkin’ about gettin’ one of those. Haulers, they call ’em.
All the cowboys return to their seats.
A tall, lean and lanky cowboy with weathered features enters. He stands at the bar and gives Sunny his to go order.
The cowboys fall silent, staring at the stranger.
DAN: Howdy stranger. I’m Dan. You gotta’ name?
Dan holds his hand out and the stranger shakes it.
Stranger: I’m Viggo Mortensen. I’m headed to Rapid City to deliver a paint horse named Hidalgo this guy bought from our outfit in Texas.
Dan doesn’t realize he’s talking to someone famous.
DAN: Is that right. What outfit you with?
Viggo: The Seven Arrows. Ever heard of it?
DAN: Can’t say I have.
Viggo: I’m a shareholder and sit on the board of directors. Where’s the men’s room?
Dan points to the bathroom.
DAN: All the way down the hall then hang a left. Can’t miss it.
Viggo leaves. The cowboys at the bar look after him, trying not to let their curiosities show.
Trent gets Robert’s attention. Tips his head toward the men’s room. Robert shakes his head in agreement. They saunter toward the drinkers at the bar. Trent pats a friend on the back.
Kip (35) a bullfighter with red, curly hair turns to Trent.
KIP: Howdy. What’s ya up to?
TRENT: You up for some fun?
KIP: The stranger? Why him?
TRENT: He’s one arrogant son-of-a-gun and I don’t like his looks. His kind are woosies. Ya know what I mean?
KIP: (hesitant) Ya. Okay. But this is the last time. You got it.
Robert and Kip follow Trent to the men’s room. Trent closes the door behind him.
We hear loud banging against the walls, glass shattering, cursing.
Several Beats.
Viggo emerges from the men’s room securing his hat on his head, seemingly no worse for wear. He stops at the bar and picks up his burger and a six pack of Blue Moon.
He leaves a fifty dollar bill on the counter.
VIGGO (to Sally)Keep the change. Put it toward repairs for the men’s room.
Viggo exits. The 400 horse diesel roars as it makes it way to the highway in low gear. Gears shift up as it gains speed westbound.
CASEY: That was A 65,000 dollar rig. Right here in Buffalo Flats! Wow!
Trent and Robert emerge from the men’s room with their shirts torn, blood spurting out their noses. They walk slowly, every step painful. Robert spits a tooth into his bloody handkerchief.
TRENT: Better call the ambulance for Kip.
-
Oh my. I don’t know what went wrong but my script seems to be mingled with Angelina’s. Sorry. Should I repost?
-
Never mind. I think it is fixed now.
-
Brian G. Walsh
Lesson 5 Scene
2ND PASS ON THIS SCENE
Lesson 5 Scene: Robert & Trent
What I learned is: Establishing the character traits before writing the scene helps add depth to the characters.
TRENT: Conspiring, aggressive, meticulous, needy
ROBERT: Smooth, secretive, gregarious, low self-esteem
Scene Arc: Trent and Robert reside in a German prisoner-of-war camp near the end of World War II. They celebrate the rumored imminent liberation of their POW camp, but doubt soon creeps in. What happened to the two men who recently tried to escape? Was the escapee an informer? Did someone set him up? Trent and Robert are soon at odds.
EXT. PRISON CAMP GROUNDS — DAY
Dark clouds but no rain. A small prison camp of about twenty barracks laid out in a long line. The grounds are uniform, manicured dirt. Barbed wire encloses the entire camp. A guard stands overwatch in a forty-foot tower near the double gate.
A couple of dozen prisoners-of-war lounge around outside their barracks. Their uniforms are so dirty and worn that rank and country of issue is unidentifiable. Four men toss around an old, weathered ball. They smile and shout encouragement.
TRENT, 30, reed thin, pronounced chin, slouches. He claps his hands together. A cigarette always tucked behind one ear, he behaves as if this is a summer camp for his amusement. He keeps his fingernails as clean as possible and his manner refined.
ROBERT, 20, also thin, with a scar along the back of his neck, dances and sings with BOURNE, 22, lanky and edgy, and DENTON, 40, a bull of a man with a pudgy face and small, beady eyes.
Their singing gets LOUDER and draws contemptuous looks from their German guards.
ROBERT
The war is over! The war is over! Adolf’s boys are marching in the wrong direction, hurrah, hurrah! Adolf’s boys are marching in the wrong direction, hurrah, hurrah!
TRENT
You goons and your rumors.
ROBERT
Cheer up, Moneybags. The camp’s going to be liberated any day now!
TRENT
When the war really is over, I’m going to come back here and just wallpaper right over Germany and use these Huns for the glue.
Robert bounces the ball on the ground.
ROBERT
Sure, Trent, you’re John D. Rockefeller. Just rolling in dough, that’s why you’re stuck here with the rest of us poor slobs.
TRENT
Did I tell you I know John D. personally?
ROBERT
Yeah, and Henry Ford, too.
TRENT
Johnny and I had a wager about whether or not America would enter the war. I told him we learned our lesson after the Great War. Then Pearl Harbor . . .
He tosses the ball to Bourne.
BOURNE
I can’t wait to get back home! Saturday nights with the dames! I’ll introduce you to some real fine honeys, Robert. You can have my hand-me-downs.
Robert blushes, looks away.
Bourne WHOOPS out loud and throws the ball to
Denton. The ball looks small in his meaty hands. He squeezes it, looks around.
DENTON
(grins)
Wilson must have made it! And if he escape, so can we!
TRENT
Wonder what happened to Murph.
Denton tosses the ball to Trent. Bourne looks at the ground. Robert locks eyes with Trent.
ROBERT
Someone ratted him out to the Krauts.
A GERMAN ARMY SERGEANT, tall, fat, sinister eyes, watches them carefully from twenty yards away. He scowls at them.
TRENT
(stares at Robert)
Someone who talks too much maybe.
Robert averts his eyes, looks around the camp.
ROBERT
I heard Wilson was an informer. He got Murph killed.
Denton squeezes the ball tighter. He mutters incoherently.
DENTON
Then Wilson didn’t really escape.
TRENT
Where did you hear that?
Robert shrugs, holds out his hands for the ball.
DENTON
(eyeing Robert)
I heard it, too. Someone said they saw him pass a note to a guard.
ROBERT
(to Trent)
You encouraged them to escape. Even came up with the plan.
Trent bounces the ball on the ground.
TRENT
I merely told them if they got help to us and I was freed, my family would reward them handsomely.
DENTON
If he was a fink, he’d tell the Krauts Trent planned the escape. They’d have done him like they done Murphy.
TRENT
If our boys are going to liberate the camp soon, like Robert claims, I have nothing to worry about.
A GERMAN CORPORAL, 22, tall and rigid, stops beside the Sergeant. They talk animatedly.
TRENT (CONT’D)
Maybe they bought your bullshit, Robert, and they’re going to just let us go before our boys overrun the camp.
ROBERT
Maybe if Wilson and Murphy hadn’t bought your bullshit, they’d be alive right now.
Trent glances at the two Germans, fingers the cigarette behind his ear.
The German Sergeant glances at Trent. He whispers to the Corporal.
The two Germans march over to the prisoners playing ball.
GERMAN SERGEANT
Game over. Back inside. Schnell.
The Corporal rges the men inside.
Trent casually COMBS his uhair, knocking the cigarette to the ground.
Just behind him, Robert STUMBLES and falls to his knees.
Trent, Bourne and Denton enter the barracks. Robert enters behind them and shuts the door.
INT. PRISON BARRACKS — DAY
Forty bunk beds, twenty each against the north and south walls.
Most of the beds are occupied with sick and emaciated men.
Trent and Robert stand at opposite sides of a small table.
TRENT
You think Wilson and Murphy are really dead?
ROBERT
You tell me.
Bourne stands at the door. Denton removes a long scrap of paper wedged into a crack in the wall. He peers out.
DENTON
The grounds crew is at it again.
Robert and Trent walks over to Denton. Standing on either side of him, they look out through the crack.
POV: The Sergeant, Corporal and two guards search the ground where they were playing ball.
DENTON
What the hell are they looking for?
ROBERT
A note dropped by their informer.
BOURNE
But Wilson escaped.
ROBERT
They’re not going to find it, Trent.
Robert holds up the dirty cigarette. Denton and Bourne close in.
Robert slowly unrolls the cigarette. Ersatz tobacco drops to the floor.
INSERT: Cigarette paper with tiny German handwriting.
Trent SHOVES Robert into Bourne, rushes to the door
Denton TACKLES HIM
Trent rolls over, shoves Denton back
Robert KICKS Trent in the face
Trent collapses
Denton runs to the door, opens it a crack
Robert GRABS Trent by the hair, turns him over and
SLAMS his face into the floor
ONCE — TWICE — THREE TIMES!
Bourne watches through the crack in the wall.
Robert rolls Trent over, straddles him and
STRANGLES him.
BOURNE
The guards!
Denton pulls Robert off Trent, tosses him aside –
Drags Trent to a bunk, heaves him onto it, turns him on his side, throws a threadbare blanket over him.
Robert and Bourne hurriedly sit, pick papers off the table and read.
Denton jumps into his own bed.
The barracks door OPENS
The Sergeant, the Corporal and two guards step in.
The Sergeant scans the room.
Robert and Bourne watch the Sergeant closely.
The Sergeant’s gaze falls on Trent.
Trent’s back is to him.
The Sergeant glances at Robert and Bourne.
ROBERT
Problem, Herr feldwebel?
The Sergeant walks over to Trent. He turns him over.
Trent’s face is a bloody pulp.
GERMAN SERGEANT
(German Subtitles)
Who did this?
TRENT
(choking)
Robert.
Trent’s eyes close. The Sergeant lifts Trent’s arm and checks his pulse.
The Sergeant’s EYES widen. He drops Trent’s lifeless arm, turns and points at Robert.
GERMAN SERGEANT
No one is coming to liberate the camp. No one is coming to save you.
GERMAN SERGEANT
(German Subtitles)
Take him!
The Corporal pulls Bourne away from the table.
The two guards lift Robert right out of his chair. They drag him out.
-
Joy Geldard-Smith’s QE Cycle #1 Scene
Scene Arc: From celebration to ass kicking
Situation: Lured into a back room where he is beat up.
Outline: Robert has discovered that Trent is not as wealthy as he pretends to be.
Trent is celebrating getting investment in a property deal at Robert’s bar, but Robert knows the truth. Robert takes over the celebrations, and Trent gets jealous because he needs the attention. Robert takes him to ‘get a special bottle’ to smooth things over, but tells him he knows. Trent gets aggressive and says there’s no evidence (meticulous) and Robert beats him up.
INT. VELVET TREE CLUB – NIGHT
A sophisticated bar, mood lighting and velour seats, quietly hums with conversation over the soft jazz played by the house band.
ROBERT, the club’s owner, glides from table to table, greeting regulars and charming strangers into becoming regulars. He is smooth and amiable yet discreet – he knows the lives of everyone there.
A small crowd of suits bursts the atmosphere with a festive, joyful noise. At the centre is TRENT, feasting on their attention. He is meticulous, manipulative and doesn’t do well when pushed.
He heads to the bar and flags down the bartender, who is serving someone else.
TRENT
Champagne!
A barked demand, not a request.
bartender
One moment, sir.
The Bartender finishes up within seconds but has already pushed Trent’s buttons. He presents an unopened bottle to Trent.
BARTENDER
Champagne, sir? For everyone?
TRENT
If it’s not too much trouble.
The Bartender gets the drinks flowing. Trent checks himself and his company, and raises a full glass.
TRENT
(broadcasting)
To Trent Towers!
Robert sails over, navigating the clientele. He has a wave to ride.
ROBERT
We’re celebrating?
Trent raises his glass, eliciting a cheer from his group.
TRENT
We are. Set the date to break ground on Trent Towers.
ROBERT
Full steam ahead, then?
TRENT
Choo, choo!
ROBERT
Let me congratulate you with a round on the house.
TRENT
That’s not necessary.
SUIT 1
Why turn down free bubbly?
Robert riles Trent.
ROBERT
My thoughts exactly.
TRENT
Because it’s not necessary. I said the drinks were on me, didn’t I?
ROBERT
Well, you’re good customers, and what’s good for you is good for me.
(louder)
On the house!
Trent blanches at his spotlight being stolen. He puts an arm around Robert.
TRENT
To my good friend, and all our friends at the Velvet Tree!
A general murmur of agreement and clinking of glasses follows.
TRENT (CONT’D)
We’ll be running this city before long. We’ll be rich… well, richer!
Trent laughs, and glasses resound again.
ROBERT
Actually, Trent, could I have a word?
Robert’s tone is commanding. Trent tries to loom over him. Fails.
TRENT
Can’t it wait? We’re busy celebrating. Right?
Again, Trent controls his gang of business buddies, and they respond.
ROBERT
I’ll have you back in a flash.
TRENT
Honestly, your barman don’t serve me, you won’t take my money, and now you won’t let us celebrate the best deal of our lives. If I didn’t like you so much, I’d run you out of business in a week!
Robert’s eyes dare him.
TRENT (CONT’D)
Come on, then, spit it out.
ROBERT
Let’s go to my office – I’ll get you a bottle of vintage for the trouble.
Robert stands behind Trent and funnels him through to the dingy office. Cracked plaster, bare walls and furniture that has come here to die.
TRENT
I see why you spend all your time out front.
Robert
Have a seat.
TRENT
What’s going on? I haven’t got time for this. I should be out there, with them.
ROBERT
You remember I have a sister, right?
TRENT
Okay.
Trent shrugs off this unimportant information.
ROBERT
She’s married. Uses a married name.
TRENT
Sure.
Another shrug.
TRENT (CONT’D)
You could have told me this out there.
ROBERT
Her name is Fiona Pearson.
The dime drops.
TRENT
Mrs Pearson? From the equity fund?
Robert’s satisfaction with Trent’s response leaks out.
ROBERT
Mrs Pearson from the equity fund.
TRENT
(recovering)
Do you check on all her investments, then?
ROBERT
In a way. But I only speak up for her when things might go wrong.
TRENT
Nothing’s wrong.
Robert invades Trent’s personal space.
ROBERT
Nothing better go wrong. Not for her.
TRENT
We’re celebrating, everything’s sorted. Just gotta get the bricks up now.
A lump of a figure appears in the doorway. Robert nods, and the knot of muscle that makes up BAXTER lingers there.
ROBERT
I know.
TRENT
Nothing to know.
ROBERT
I know about Silverman’s affair. I know about Diaz and his recreational habit. I know what really happened to Wong’s Uncle. And I know about you.
TRENT
‘course you know me, I’ve been coming here for years.
ROBERT
I know about the gap.
Baxter takes a step inside the room.
TRENT
The gap? So? You run a bar. You can’t threaten me.
ROBERT
I run a bar and I run other things.
TRENT
You can’t blackmail me.
ROBERT
No one is blackmailing anyone. I’m just looking out for my sister.
Baxter takes another step towards Trent, who is now on his feet.
TRENT
Look, whatever this is, it isn’t working. You can’t intimida-
Trent turns to go and realises they have not been alone.
TRENT
Who’s this?
ROBERT
Meet Baxter.
Baxter doesn’t offer a hand but piles a fist straight towards Trent’s gut. Then his ribs, then to his face, as Trent falls to the ground.
ROBERT
Just a warning, remember.
Robert leaves the room, as Baxter raises his fist again.
-
INT. HOUSE – NIGHT
A party in full swing. Lots of people. Loud music. Robert, 30, holding a beer, welcomes Trent, similar age.
ROBERT
Hey, man, good of you to come.
TRENT
Think I’d miss one of your parties?
A man hug.
TRENT
What’s the celebration?
Robert shrugs.
ROBERT
The weekend?! Hey, come on, let me fix you a drink.
They push their way to a table of drinks. Robert hands Trent a beer.
ROBERT
You bring the Ferrari? I’ve been dying to see it.
TRENT
Hell, sorry, I Ubered it here. Next time, eh?
ROBERT
That’s what you said last time.
TRENT
Sorry, man. Got a lot on my mind.
ROBERT
Uh-huh. Say, er, you got any news on my, you know-
TRENT
Like I told you, we got to ride the storm out. Be crazy to take a hit now. Bottom line, you pussy out, you pay for it. You really want to do that?
ROBERT
Just that the storm’s been going on a while, that’s all.
TRENT
Hey, am I a weatherman?
ROBERT
No, no. Say, er…where’s Angie?
TRENT
She’s not coming.
ROBERT
She sick?
TRENT
She’s leaving me.
ROBERT
You serious? What? Why?
TRENT
Some shit. Said she’d heard I’d been seeing Jill again. Said everyone was talking about it.
ROBERT
What? Married-by-day-single-by-night Jill?
TRENT
Can you believe it?
ROBERT
You haven’t have you?
TRENT
No fucking way.
ROBERT
You two were pretty close.
TRENT
Jesus! You sound just like her. Don’t know where this shit is coming from. She’s really pissed.
ROBERT
It’ll blow over. You two are always arguing.
TRENT
It’s different this time. She’s serious. I can’t let her go man, can’t. I’m crazy about her. You know that. You’ve gotta help me. Angie trusts you. Talk to her.
ROBERT
And say what?
TRENT
That it’s all shit! …what’s that look for?
ROBERT
Just that someone was talking about it at a barbecue last week. About you and Jill.
TRENT
What?!
ROBERT
It was crap. But, you know, when someone lights the fuse, sometimes it’s hard to un- light it.
TRENT
What the fuck am I going to do?
ROBERT
My advice – just give it time. It will blow over. And talking of blow, follow me.
Robert puts an arm around Trent. Leads him into a back room. Closes the door. They stand looking at each other.
TRENT
So, where’s the blow?
Robert smacks Trent in the face. Knocks him to the floor. Stands over him.
ROBERT
You’re a fucking conman, Trent! A thief. A fake. Ferrari? My ass! I know I’m never going to get my money back but, trust me, you’re never going to get Angie back either. I’ve seen to that.
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