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Lesson 4
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34 Replies
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BRENDA BODDY – MAX INTEREST PART 1
What I’ve learned…These tips are great for showing instead of telling.
ASSIGNMENT:
LOGLINE: A man drags a woman, who tried to escape his abuse, into the bedroom and disciplines her for trying to leave him.
ESSENSE: This scene is a way to tell how abusive Justice is in his present state, and why his family would hate him, while also allowing us a glimpse of his corruption.
Surprise – the location seems serene, until Justice drags his wife into the room.
Suspense – he silently warns his wife to be quiet during a phone call.
Shock – after thinking he is done intimidating the wife, he turns away, only to spin and punch her.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – HOME – DAY
A tasteful room, the four-poster bed dominating the far wall. Everything in its place. Sun shining through the window. This could be one of those houses in a magazine.
Except people don’t get beat up in those houses. In this house they do. SWIVEL to the door as it SLAMS open.
An angry, white MAN pushes a black WOMAN inside, his fist wrapped in her hair. A Goth, bi-racial, GIRL follows, CRYING, yanking his arm.
The man, JUSTICE (mid 30’s), alpha, is dressed Texas chic… all hat and no cattle. He throws the girl away from him.
The woman, Kenzie (early 30’s), struggles, her attention on getting between him and the girl, but her slender body is no match for his muscular frame.
KENZIE
Leave her alone, asshole.
JUSTICE
Did you forget I work in this town? I have contacts…everywhere.
The girl, SAMANTHA (13), launches herself at her father. He knocks her away from him again.
JUSTICE
I swear, Samantha. This kind of thing wouldn’t happen if your mom didn’t make me do it.
Justice’s phone RINGS. Justice glances at the caller. Throws Kenzie against the wall, pointing a warning finger for silence.
JUSTICE
(into phone)
Yea.
Justice listens, his eyes promising consequences if Kenzie moves.
JUSTICE
(into phone)
On my way.
Justice hangs up the phone.
JUSTICE
You lucked out, Kenzie. But you’re mine. Don’t you…ever…try to leave again.
Justice turns away shaking his head, then suddenly spins and drives his fist into Kenzie’s belly. She crumples, rolling into a ball with a painful MOAN.
Justice looks at her without expression.
JUSTICE
(quiet and gentle)
I don’t think you heard me.
Justice kicks Kenzie in the ribs. He puts up a hand to stop Samantha, without looking at her. Another GROAN from Kenzie.
KENZIE
I heard you, Justice.
Justice loses interest. He pulls a jacket from the closet and puts it on. He flips out a DIFFERENT PHONE and dials.
JUSTICE
(into phone)
Get your ass out of there. We’re on the way.
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Brenda,
I love it! The punch followed by “Justice looks at her without expression” amplifies how dangerous this man may be and even more so as the story progresses.
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Can't delete this post, so thought I'd use it to share a great help I just found on ScreenCraft: "101 CREATIVE CHARACTER ARC PROMPTS." I'm finding some better character ideas AND interest techniques, etc. I've started with doing my protag, answering the Qs (I'm down to #22 now), but plan to do it with other main characters.
https://screencraft.org/blog/101-creative-character-arc-prompts/
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Lynn’s Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that this is more difficult because I already added interest techniques throughout my screenplay previously AND I find it difficult to find them for the scene I’m trying to improve (that’s why it needs improving), but am looking for more interest techniques, since my current screenplay isn’t doing as well in the contests as my others.
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WEATHERING IT (rom-com): pp. 25-28, end of Act 1, part of set up, or Break into Act 2.
ESSENCE: Ellie has a problematic relationship with her Uncle Rev. Rudy and his church since her mother (his sister) passed, and Rudy dislikes his Uncle Layo — Ellie’s great-uncle whom she is planning to help. Also introduces Rudy and his wedding venue, and further indications of Rio Grande Valley’s tropical/subtropical climate (important for the story when the severe freeze in Act 4 hits). Much of it is set up for later scenes.
LOGLINE: Ellie needs a story for the campus paper and interviews Rudy about his Marriage Barn for it.
INTEREST TECHNIQUES INTRODUCED:
….1. INTRIGUE (new): Rudy suggests there is something bad or underhanded about Layo and that Ellie should not throw her life away helping him, but religious politeness prevents him from saying (it comes out in Act 4).
….2. UNCERTAINTY — HOPE / FEAR (already had this): It looks like Ellie may now be thinking of marrying (Jim and she just kissed in previous scene), Rudy detects this, but she adamantly objects when he suggests that.
ELEVATED HUMOR: added in the Kool-Aid
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INT. THE MARRIAGE BARN – DAY (pp. 25-28, end of Act 1, part of set up, or Break into Act 2)
The sides and back of the large hall host decorations and pinup murals in beach motif. Corner recycling bins. Niches hold statues of St. Francis and Our Lady of Guadalupe. Ribbons, bows, streamers, paper lanterns up above.
Covered folding chairs, round tables, half folded fill the center. REV. RUDY PEREZ (40s), a somewhat comical man, takes two tables to a storeroom and returns.
Ellie enters, recorder in hand, sets her backpack down.
ELLIE: Reverend Perez.
RUDY: Elliana. What a blessed surprise. No “tio” for me?
ELLIE: Tio Rudy, I need to do an article for the campus paper. I thought–
RUDY: Wonderful. We could use the publicity. Okay, shoot (mumbles embarrassed) myself in my foot. (aloud) I mean, go ahead, ask.
Ellie fumbles the recorder on.
ELLIE: I already know about your church and wedding venue, so tell me what’s going on now.
RUDY: Bueno, as you can see we had a wedding with our beach theme. I’m now setting up for Bible study.
ELLIE: Why the beach theme?
RUDY: Well, the couple didn’t want the fall theme because leaves don’t turn red or orange much in the Valley, but they would’ve been fine with winter wonderland, even though we don’t get snow. Go figure. They finally settled on beach.
Ellie gets out her cell.
ELLIE: Can I photograph pages in your theme book?
RUDY: Sure.
He goes, brings an album from the storeroom. Ellie sets it on the head table, flips pages, snaps photos. Rudy continues to take folded tables to the storeroom.
RUDY: And mention we give discounts. Well, to couples who need them.
Rudy notices Ellie smiling at a picture of the BARN THEME.
RUDY: Are you thinking of… marrying?
ELLIE: (hard flips the page) No. Not at all.
RUDY: Si, bueno, you seem– Never mind… You stopped coming to church.
Ellie miffed turns to Rudy as he takes a table to storage.
ELLIE: I’ve told you it’s eco-hypocritical.
Rudy stops.
RUDY: How would you know? You haven’t been here since your mother passed. Note our recycling bins. (grand gesture to them) We added St. Francis. (uplifting gesture to it) And I preach about creation care. You made a good point years ago, Ellie. We’ve changed.
ELLIE: What about the National Affiliation of Non-denominational Churches? They consider climate change the devil’s deception.
RUDY: Ah, them. We pulled out. This close to campus our members, not only me, couldn’t drink their Kool-Aid.
ELLIE: (smiles) Kool-Aid, Uncle Rudy?
RUDY: Yeh, well, gotta keep up with these kids. Hope it’s not a swear word.
ELLIE: No, and it’s, yes, on target.
Rudy approaches her.
RUDY: I’ve tried to be a father to you. After your father, uh, went away.
ELLIE: Abandoned Mamita and me! It broke Mom’s heart. And, yes, Tio, you’ve been there for us. And Uncle Layo.
RUDY: Uncle Layo doesn’t need anyone. Or so he thinks.
ELLIE: I mean he’s been there for us.
RUDY: (anger flares) I’d hardly… but if I can’t say anything nice, can I say don’t drink his Kool-aid? (off Ellie’s smile) You don’t know about him, Ellie. Your mother, my sister, wouldn’t approve of you throwing your life away on him and his ranch.
ELLIE: Does anyone ever really know anyone?
Ellie frowns and leaves. Rudy throws up his hand.
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Lynn,
My immediate response is that this scene is for setting up emotions between these characters and setting potential conflicts they will be facing together, but in their own ways.
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LOGLINE: Chief scientist Frank hands over the evidences of the radiation pollution to his good friend and collegues Charlotte.
ESSENCE: In this scene I create one more witness and introduce one of supporting characters (Charlotte), who is gaining more and more weight towards end of the screenplay.
I learned, namely, I improved the scene and included more Fear and more Suspense.
INT. NUCLEAR STATION’S CAFETERIA – MORNING
Frank is already in the cafeteria waiting for Charlotte. They meet up and have coffee together. He hands her a flash card that has a copy of the report for the nuclear safety committee. Frank stands next to the coffee machine.
FRANK
Hi Charlotte, thanks for coming. How are you?
CHARLOTTE
Hi Frank. I am good, thanks. For the last weeks I was busy with my new apartment.
FRANK
What can I get you?
CHARLOTTE
A cappuccino would be great.
FRANK
And the apartment is almost finished?
(He drops in the coin and presses the cappuccino button).
CHARLOTTE
Yes. When I have a housewarming party, you will be on the guest list (Smiling).
FRANK
I’m looking forward to it.
CHARLOTTE
And how are you? You look stressed out.
FRANK
I am fine, you know. But the last few weeks I have been very busy with the new software for the radiation detectors that will go into operation.
(Coffee is ready)
I wanted to…
I prefer to talk at the table, let’s go over there (showing her a table by the window).
He is taking her away from the coffee machine and other colleagues.
FRANK
(Goes on)
The nuclear operation must be stopped because of the possible pollution of the local area, drinking water, habitants etc.
The prolongation of the plant’s exploitation license is out of question now, you understand?
CHARLOTTE
Are we in danger?
FRANK
It depends. It must be investigated for how long the process has been ongoing and how severe the pollution is.
CHARLOTTE
And? Did you inform the director?
FRANK
Yes, I did.
She is listening with her gaze focused on him.
FRANK
(Goes on)
He wants me to hide this information. So the plant can keep running as it is, and we keep our jobs.
But I can’t do this because it is my job to report this accident!
CHARLOTTE
Oh, I see. That is a serious dilemma. I don’t know how I can help you.
FRANK
I would be very thankful if you take and keep this (handing over her a flash card), just in case.
CHARLOTTE
What is in it?
FRANK
The documents, the report, everything for the nuclear commission.
CHARLOTTE
(Taking it and looking scared)
OK, fine. I will take it, but you need to think about how to resolve the matter with the director.
I am sure, he is a good man and will find a solution that works for everyone.
FRANK
In case something happens to me, you need to pass this report to the commission. Please.
CHARLOTTE
(Looking even more scared)
Frank, relax. I understand you are stressed out and I will keep it. It will be alright.
(Pause)
Now, I really need to go back to the office.
(Looking at her watch and standing up)
FRANK
Thank you, Charlotte.
(Standing up and looking in her eyes).
They both leave the cafeteria.
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This reply was modified 2 years ago by Angelina Fluehler.
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This reply was modified 2 years ago by Angelina Fluehler.
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Ok. My experience of your scene is that Uncertainty is the strongest interest technique. What will Frank do? Is Charlotte really an ally? Is Frank’s life in danger?
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Yes, his life is in danger. He indeed will be killed in 2 scenes later.
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This reply was modified 2 years ago by
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(Alfred Dunham) Max Interest Part 1.
What I learned is:
As with every other topic so far, this is about not selling ourselves short. It’s about stretching our minds and scratching for every tiny tidbit that will elevate our story to a new level. Professional writers should be serious enough about their work to do this – until it becomes second nature. I thought I’d been doing this, but I was wrong. I’d forgotten some things.
Script CAFÉ, Act 2, Scene 13
Scene Essence:
Both Raisa and Jake are terrified that they will be separated. Jake seriously loves her. Raisa is further afraid of what will happen to her if she’s returned to Russia… and her daughter, Nadia.
Interest Techniques used: These may be on the somewhat subtle side, but they’re there and not well defined at all before.
1. Uncertainty/fear
2. Superior position
3. Character change
4. Surprise
5. Suspense
6. Intrigue
*New, added elements are in italics.
SCENE REWRITE
Jake has just gotten out of the hospital after surgery for the stab wound that Ian/Bubba inflicted on him in Act 1. He fears contact from Ian’s attorney because of the impossible immigration problems his stabbing will bring to light, not the implied death threat.
INT. CAFÉ – DAY
Jake grimaces as he slides into his usual place beneath the neon sign – holds his surgical site.
RAISA
I cleaned the coffee machine this morning, just like you taught me [Uncertainty/fear re: Bubba]. Can I get you some coffee?
Jake smiles.
JAKE
I’d love some.
KITCHEN
Raisa brews a fresh, short pot – cries happy tears. [Superior position – She is shown to be both fearful and relieved, but Jake can’t see this – not yet, anyway. This is a subtle expression of her growing, hesitant love of Jake.]
TABLE
Raisa rejoins Jake with two cups of coffee – sits opposite him – sips hers, still troubled.
RAISA
Sorry for the delay. I made a fresh short pot.
JAKE
You’re amazing; you know that?
Raisa smiles.
Jake takes a sip of his coffee – emotes.
JAKE
Umm. This certainly beats hospital coffee… and Bubba’s.
They both laugh together in solidarity.
RAISA
Can I also fix you something to eat?
Jake seems to ignore the question. [He’s worried]
JAKE
Have you heard from Bubba?
RAISA
Why do you care? What he did was awful.
Raisa cries as she reaches out for Jake’s hands. [More uncertainty/fear]
JAKE
Because it’s my nature to care. Bubba must be petrified.
RAISA
He is. But so am I.
JAKE
That’s what I want to talk to you about.
RAISA
Jake?
JAKE
Bubba may be a pompous ass with a bad temper, but he is no killer.
RAISA
After what he just did to you? You’re the amazing one.
JAKE
Not really. I provoked him. I should not have done that.
RAISA
Yeah, you did, but he had it coming. [significant Character change from Act 1, “That’s just his way” to “…but he had it coming?”]
JAKE
We were both out of line.
RAISA
How can you say that? [significant Character change from Act 1, “That’s just his way” to “How can you say that?”]
JAKE
It’s complicated. We both let our feelings get in the way.
RAISA
Feelings? What feelings? He doesn’t have feelings. [more Character change from Act 1, “That’s just his way” –]
JAKE
I’ve been thinking – plenty of time to for that in the hospital —
RAISA
Yes?
JAKE
This may sound odd, but I think Bubba cares more about you than it may seem.
RAISA
Odd? I’d say downright crazy. [Surprise. This doesn’t sound like the Raisa he’s come to love]
JAKE
Maybe, but just consider – do you really think he wanted to kill me?
RAISA
No. I guess I don’t. Not really.
JAKE
So the man has feelings but just doesn’t know what to do with them.
RAISA
Maybe? I don’t understand —
JAKE
There are always two ways of looking at a problem.
RAISA
You mean like jumping to conclusions?
JAKE
Some parents love their children but still drive them away —
RAISA
— With overprotection and unreasonable demands? Okay.
JAKE
Sort of. They’re afraid to let go for fear they’ll lose control.
RAISA
With Bubba – and me – it’s a lot worse than that, Jake. [Suspense]
JAKE
I know. So what happens to us now? [Suspense. Uncertainty]
RAISA
Can it even be fixed? I don’t think I want to think about it.
Raisa folds her hands together, rests her chin on them, elbows on the table – cries [Uncertainty. Intrigue]
RAISA
If I get sent back to Russia… do I even need to explain that to you?
JAKE
No. It scares me, too. I don’t know. What if we were to help Bubba to see through his blind spot – to help him build self-control and become a useful citizen?
RAISA
How?
JAKE
That’s the risky part. I’m no psychiatrist, but the coffee —
RAISA
(excitedly) [Surprise]
I get it. Everyone loves the coffee now – thinks it’s his.
JAKE
Have you heard him denying it?
RAISA
No. Despite his anger, he just accepts the praise. He knows.
JAKE
So what if we kept the illusion going?
RAISA
You mean —
JAKE
Yes. This whole place needs a facelift – little by little.
RAISA
And let him accept the praise when it does work?
JAKE
That’s the idea.
RAISA
Well, it’s worth a try. But let’s get you home.
JAKE
I think I’d rather hang out here with you.
RAISA
Are you sure?
JAKE
I’d find too much to do at home. It’s safer here.
Raisa laughs out loud.
RAISA
You’re incorrigible.
Jake laughs in return.
JAKE
Incorrigible? Depth, Raisa. [from Act 1]. You’ve got plenty of depth. We’ll get through this, somehow. [Intrigue. What does Jake have in mind? We can only guess at his resources!]
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Alfred Gene,
I can see you are building the relationship between Jake and Raisa. They do and do not know everything about each other and Bubba may holds some surprises.
One thing I noticed is that you make the same statement in both description (Raisa brews a fresh short pot) and dialogue (Sorry for the delay. I made a fresh short pot) and it seems this might just need to be presented in once. Where do you think this information adds to the scene’s purpose and progression?
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Title: Jerrys’ Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is a slow painful rewrite of every scene to reflect the essence.
LOGLINE: Emma & Sam joins the Doctor for a family meal.
ESSENCE: A happy meal with the new family.INT. DINING ROOM – EVENING
At dinner that evening with the Doctor and the Parson who regales them with the latest gossip from the town including the story of Ezra.Emma and Sam are sitting at the table and the Cook is serving. Emma is very much the lady of the house.
The Doctor is in excellent spirits and addresses Emma as “My Dear” and welcomes to his “happy family”. A toast is drunk to Emma’s happiness.
Revised scene
Character changes radically: the good natured Cook reveals bitter conflict in the happy house.
Uncertainty — hope / fear: Is Emma’s and Sam’s position in the house under threat?
Intrigue: what secret is distressing the Cook so much? And why does it so enrage the genial Doctor?INT. DINING ROOM – EVENING
At dinner that evening with the Doctor and the Parson who regales them with the latest gossip from the town including the story of Ezra.Emma and Sam are sitting at the table and the Cook is serving. Emma is very much the lady of the house.
The Doctor is in excellent spirits and addresses Emma as “My Dear” and welcomes to his “happy family”. A toast is drunk to Emma’s happiness.
Cook explodes and hurls a dish to the table
COOK
(to Doctor)
Have you no shame?! To start thatDOCTOR
Missus Mullins! WhatCOOK
Haven’t I seen this story before andDOCTOR
(furious)
Hold your tongue!PARSON
Doctor IDOCTOR
I’ll thank you to mind your own business Sir!COOK flies from the room closely followed by the DOCTOR. The door closes and we hear the sound of furious arguing.
SAM
Mum what’sEMMA
Hush dear. It’s rude to listen to other people’s conversations.
(To Parson)
Have you traveledSAM
ButEMMA
Sam! We are guests in this house and you mind that.SAM
Dad wouldn’tEMMA
Father is lost to us Sam. Now eat your dinner. Parson may I help you to some more chicken?-
Jeremy,
I love the contrast between the rage of a hurled dish and polite table etiquette.
It seems like . . . “The Doctor is in excellent spirits and addresses Emma as “My Dear” and welcomes to his “happy family”. A toast is drunk to Emma’s happiness.” . . . could be acted out in ways that contribute to Interest Techniques rather just being in the background as written explanation.
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Brian
G. Walsh – Max Interest Part 1What
I’ve learned that is improving my writing is for a scene to truly
grab the reader and audience actions and words must emanate from
character and should demand the reader’s attention and hold it. And
situations should not settle for the mundane, they must be writ
large.SCENE
CHOSEN:Logline:
Taking his young stepson along to bond with him, Jim investigates the
aftermath of the beast’s attack on the now-closed elementary school
where he finds two children inside. They all become trapped when the
beast returns unexpectedly.Essence:
Jim has been out of the army too long. His situational awareness has
decayed. He disregarded what he considered exaggerations about the
beast and took for granted that no animal would attack in broad
daylight. Here he finally learns what his wife and stepson have been
telling him is true: this is no ordinary wolf. Unarmed, he recovers
his resolve and defends his stepson by doing what he did well when he
was in the army: he improvises.Interest
techniques: Challenging situation, suspense, uncertainty –
hope/fear, surpriseNEWLY
REWRITTEN SCENE:(NOTE:
The three children, Henri, Pierre and Emil are all elementary school
age.)INT.
MUSIC CLASSROOM – AFTERNOONHenri,
Jim, Pierre and Emil stand at the window, watching.The
beast turns towards the school, stares right at them.They
duck back from the windows.EXT.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – AFTERNOONThe
beast trots towards the music room windows, sniffs.INT.
MUSIC CLASSROOM – AFTERNOONJIM
We
left the front doors open!Jim
looks around the room, desperate.A
thick, 6-foot long wood flagpole holding the French Tri-Colors rests
in a metal loop beside the blackboard.Henri
runs out into the corridor.JIM
(CONT’D)Henri!
No!Jim
plucks the French flag out of its holder.INT.
MAIN SCHOOL CORRIDOR – AFTERNOONHenri
runs to the double doors and slams them shut.EXT.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – AFTERNOONThe
beast turns back towards the main entrance.INT.
MAIN SCHOOL CORRIDOR – AFTERNOONJim
steps out, flagpole in hand. Pierre and Emil step outbehind
him.Henri
fumbles to secure the door but can’t.JIM
Get
back here!The
double doors fly open, knocking Henri down behind them.The
beast stands in the doorway, silhouetted against the sun.Jim
and Henri lock eyes. Hidden from the beast behind theopen
doors, Henri’s mouth is open in a silent scream.JIM
(softly
to Henri-eyes on the beast)The
car, Henri. Get to the car.Jim
takes a step towards the beast, brandishes the flag likea
spear. Pierre and Emil run back inside the music classroom.The
beast charges Jim.Jim
steps back, thrusts the flagpole at the beast.Henri
sneaks around the door and runs outside.Jim
retreats into the classroom, jabbing at the beast to keep it at bay.The
beast leaps at him —INT.
MUSIC CLASSROOM – AFTERNOONJim
slams the door shut and throws his weight against it.He
drops the flagpole.The
door shakes and cracks from the impact, but it holds.Pierre
and Emil struggle to lift the flagpole.Jim
accepts it, hands shaking.BOOM!
The door splits in half, the beast’s paw slashes through
the opening.EXT.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – AFTERNOONHenri
runs to Jim’s rental car but finds both doors locked.Henri
SCREAMS.HENRI
IT’S
LOCKED! THE CAR’S LOCKED!INT.
MAIN SCHOOL CORRIDOR – AFTERNOONThe
beast jumps back from the door and looks outside, cocks its head,
walks slowly walks towards the open doors, cautious, sniffs the air.INT.
MUSIC CLASSROOM – AFTERNOONJim
fishes the keys from his pocket, yanks the broken door open.EXT.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – AFTERNOONHenri
tugs desperately on the driver’s side door.The
beast stands still, considers Henri.The
beast charges Henri.INT.
MAIN SCHOOL CORRIDOR – AFTERNOONJim
steps out in line of sight to the vehicle and hits the unlock button.EXT.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – AFTERNOONThe
door unlocks.Henri
pulls it open –The
beast crashes into the door –Henri
falls one way, the beast the other.The
stunned beast shakes its head.Henri
crawls desperately for the door, opens it and jumps inside.The
beast stands and turns –Henri
slams the door shut.The
beast circles the car – throws itself against it
– cracks the driver’s side window.</font></font>INT.
RENTAL CAR – AFTERNOONThe
car shakes violently. Henri screams.INT.
MAIN SCHOOL CORRIDOR – AFTERNOONJim
charges out, flag held like a spear.EXT.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – AFTERNOONThe
beast jumps onto the hood of the car, slams his paws against
the windshield.It
CRACKS!Henri
cries.Jim
runs, flag in one hand, keys in the other. He hits buttons on
the key fob.On
the hood, the beast rises onto his rear legs.The
headlights come on, the panic alarm sounds, the hazard lights
flash off and on.Startled,
the beast falls over backwards into the snow.Jim
runs towards the car, pockets the keys, holds the flag with
both hands.The
beast rolls over and stands, faces Jim. Both are still, sizing
each other up.Jim
grips the pole tightly, looks into the car to see if Henri
is alright.The
beast charges and leaps. Jim holds the flag parallel with
both hands.The
beast’s front claws hack away at the thick, heavy flagpole,
gouging it.Jim
swings the French flag into the beast’s face, then spears it
with the pointed edge of the pole.The
beast yelps and retreats. Circles the car.JIM
Die,
you bastard!The
beast throws itself into the opposite side of the car.Jim
rushes around towards it.The
beast turns on him, but Jim swings the flag like a baseball
bat and hits it in the head, dropping the beast to the
snow.Jim
retreats back the way he came but slips –and
falls in the snow.The
beast leaps at him.From his knees, Jim
swings the flag low, takes the beast’s feet out from under
him.The
beast paws the flag, tears a hole in it.Jim
thrusts the point into the beast’s chest, the flag catches over and around
the monster’s head. Bleeding now, the beast tears the fabric fromthe
pole and runs off, the French flag caught around its neck.Jim
runs to the car, opens the door, sinks down to the ground.Henri
jumps into his arms.Jim
shakes like a leaf. Tears in his eyes, he hugs Henri tight.-
This reply was modified 2 years ago by Brian Walsh.
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Brian, I really enjoyed reading this. The subtext makes me feel Jim might rather not use his military training (something he put to rest in his past), but now this violent beast forces him to do so (his past along with whatever was never resolved just caught up with him).
I saw summer as I read this until “snow” is mentioned towards the end. I would have been thinking snow and a winter weather if I were informed of this at the beginning. Winter offers more jeopardy/interest technique with possibilities of Jim and kids freezing, personal injuries from slipping on ice, tracks and blood in the snow, etc. It’s a different read with snow rather than summer. Just a thought.
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This reply was modified 2 years ago by Leah Gunderson.
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This reply was modified 2 years ago by
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This reply was modified 2 years ago by
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Title: Leah’s Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is to use each scene to offer a visceral and fascinating experience that hold attention of reader/actors/audience while moving the plot forward. Interest Techniques are not tricks. They are part of the storytelling craft and components of storytelling can be learned as processes.
Script I Choose: Julie
Logline: Julie gets high on meth before Amber goes to her school’s talent show.
Essence: Julie loves her daughter, but loves meth more.
Interest Techniques: uncertainty/hope, uncertainly/fear, suspense, character changes radically, revealSet Up for Assignment (not written this way in script, but this is what is known before this scene): Julie dresses urgently before her daughter, Amber, wakes up. She needs a fix. She needs a lot of fixes. There are so many things that need fixing in her life. She knows the list by heart and her daughter always comes first – at least this is what Julie tells herself. The torn backpack for 5th grade, a missing sneaker, the leaking water heater for hot baths, and always food. To get through she just needs a fix at the start of the day. Before leaving the bedroom, Julie pauses beside the bed and tenderly pulls the green blanket up to cover her daughter’s shoulders.
Back Porch Scene:
In the early spring morning Julie hears the soft twitter of birds and watches one rearranging its nest. She reclines on the back porch swing and takes a glass pipe out from under her bra.
JULIE (whispering to herself): Moms tidy up. Moms clean up . . .
Julie runs a finger lightly over her front teeth to the left side and stops at the annoying gap.
JULIE (speaking to God): I’m not stupid. I’m not unaware.
Julie takes a lighter out of her pocket, warms up her pipe, smokes meth, and gets high. Amber appears in the doorway and freezes.
JULIE: Ya know what Grandma used to say? . . .Oh, come on. It’s funny.
Julie coaxes Amber to join her on the porch swing. Amber holds her breath while sadly taking in the full picture of her mother as she cautiously sits on the swing.
JULIE: Never mix Clorox with ammonia. Ha, that’s what she’d say! It’ll hurt your singing lungs.
AMBER: Yeah, Mom. My talent show’s today.
Julie becomes agitated and begins pointing to the content of her pipe in an exaggerated manner.
JULIE: Amber! I just need a minute with this “fertilizer”! Ya know what else Grandma would say?
Amber shakes her head “no” as tears start falling down her cheeks, but she tries to hide them from her mom. Amber is starting to get cold.
JULIE: Those roses just need a moment with a little fertilizer. There’ll be blossoms like the 4th of July!
When Julie gleefully kicks out her legs to imitate exploding fireworks, Amber sees that her mom has pissed herself. Amber begins shaking and doesn’t know what to do.
AMBER: Mom, can you stand up? We need to get ready.
JULIE: What? We’ve got us a mystery! How did all those days of scrubbing Grandma’s floors and blooming roses get all mixed up into this glass pipe? Time for chores, Amber!
Amber’s anger erupts as she throws a hardened glare at Julie.
AMBER: Whose chores, Mom? Who does the cleaning?
JULIE: Amber! I’m trying to clean up!
AMBER (speaking to God): I’m not stupid! I know what other moms are like!
In a panic, Julie’s attempt to sprint for the door results in her stumbling out of the porch swing and landing hard on her belly still clutching the pipe.
JULIE (whispering): Who’s here? Is there someone else here? Right now?
Amber looks down at her mom. She furiously kicks the pipe out of her mother’s hand. Julie crawls to get it back, but Amber is quicker. Amber grabs the pipe and throws it into the neighbor’s backyard. Julie instantly searches her bra and is confused to be without her pipe.
JULIE: Why?
AMBER: Time for my talent show. You coming?
Julie watches Amber stomp into the house. Julie looks at the neighbor’s backyard. Julie notices her soiled sweatpants when she stands up and looks for Amber to reappear in the doorway. Julie pauses for a moment. Looking over her shoulder, Julie sneaks across the backyard, pulls herself to the top of the neighbor’s fence, and drop down out of sight into the neighbor’s backyard.
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This reply was modified 2 years ago by Leah Gunderson.
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This reply was modified 2 years ago by Leah Gunderson.
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This reply was modified 2 years ago by Leah Gunderson.
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This reply was modified 2 years ago by Leah Gunderson.
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This reply was modified 2 years ago by Leah Gunderson.
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This reply was modified 2 years ago by
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Yanni Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that using Maximum Interest techniques elevates the scene, even when it drastically changes it.
Original Logline: Avi counsels a patient at the LGBTQ+ Mental Health Center not to forgive his own family.
Essence: Avi hasn’t forgiven his family, nor does he intend to. It’s his blind spot.
Avi’s core traits: Extremely Protective, Very resentful, Witty and Judgmental.
I felt the scene was boring and even trite. I decided to use three Max Interest techniques to stay true to the essence, demonstrate Avi’s core traits (as an extreme character) and elevate the quality of the scene.
Interest techniques used:
Put in a more interesting setting: At a park a child flies his drone into him.
Suspense: The kid seems terrified of his dad. The dad seems menacing, especially as he tries to force the child to apologize. As Avi sticks up for the child, we’re not sure how this encounter will end and we’re held in suspense first for the sake of the child, and then for Avi’s sake.
Surprise: Avi’s advice doesn’t seem very healthy or objective. He’s like, “oh you don’t need to apologize, you never have to apologize just because your dad says to”. This isn’t a response anyone would likely expect from a person who go hit with a drone. Furthermore, Avi sticking up for the child instigates a fight, and then, as he sticks up for himself, he gets punched by the dad.
New Logline: Avi steps in to protect a child and gets punched as a result.
Here is the scene, rewritten:
EXT. NYC PARK – DAY
Drone shots of an NYC park. The drone darts between trees and settles on Avi (now in his 30s, puts the fun in dysfunction) who reads a book on the grass. The drone hovers above him, observing him, watching… until it slams right into him.
AVI
Oh fuck!
Avi looks majorly ticked off.
He grabs the drone before it escapes, and holds it hostage. Sure enough the culprit arrives, controller in hand, tail between his legs: a 10yo BOY.
Avi softens, but the boy is frantic.
BOY
Ohmigod sir, I’m sorry! I’m SO sorry!
AVI
It’s OK, I-
BOY
I’m sorry! I really didn’t mean to. I’m gonna be in so much trouble!
From a distance a MAN (40s, fuming) approaches.
MAN
Goddammit! What did I say about this fucking drone?
BOY
(pleading, to AVI)
Please sir, tell him I said sorry.
The man arrives and yanks the boy’s arm towards him.
AVI
Woah.
(to the man)
It was clearly an accident.
The boy is confused.
MAN
Tell the man you’re sorry, Jacob.
BOY
Sorry…
Avi ignores the man, and gets down on Jacob’s level.
AVI
Don’t apologize for something just because your parents say to.
He offers the drone back to the boy, but the man grabs it so abruptly it falls on the ground.
AVI
That’s mature. Great role model, dad.
The boy smiles. The man gets right in Avi’s face.
MAN
You’re a fuckin piece of work, aren’t you.
AVI
You should apologize to your child. You nearly broke his drone.
MAN
Mind your fucking business.
The man violently grabs the boy’s hand and walks away.
AVI
Hey Jake? In ten years when you’re looking for a therapist, look me up.
MAN
Go fuck yourself, faggot.
AVI
Will do, you fucking piece of shit.
Avi turns and begins to collect his things.
MAN (O.S.)
Hey!
Avi looks up to see the man.
The man punches Avi directly in the face.
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Yanni, I love the comparisons in this triangle of Avi, the boy, and the man. Great reveals for emotions and themes.
It took me out of the scene when Avi calls the boy “Jake” because I wonder how he knew this. But maybe in a previous scene Avi has already met Jake.
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Jack’s Max Interest
What I learned is that using the techniques makes me think of new ways to improve scenes.
SCENE I CHOSE – From The Farmer’s Daughters
Scene Logline – Lyla sees the ocean for the first time and gets to know Jackson
Essence of the scene – Lyla, who is only in L.A. as a chaperone to her younger sister, finds a reason to want to be there herself.
Techniques to improve scene:
1. Suspense – We know something is going to happen to younger sister Sandi but she has told her chaperone older sister Lyla to go on with newly-met Jackson and leave her alone with the owner of a lounge who also produces porn.
2. Intrigue – Lyla, who rides bulls in the rodeo and fixes tractors on the farm, demonstrates her love of engines to Jackson, who drives a 1967 Shelby Mustang but knows little about his own engine.
3. Character changes radically – After Lyla refuses Jackson’s offer to put her up for the night so she doesn’t have to drive so far, he is revealed to be a private investigator who lost his license.
4. Uncertainty – Hope and Fear – After Lyla leaves, Jackson calls a friend to tell him Lyla would be perfect as a stunt double and she could even fix his old production truck.
Scene Rewrite
EXT. BEACH PARKING LOT – NIGHT
In a beach parking lot, Jackson parks his Shelby Mustang.
Lyla pulls the old pick up next to him. Both get out.
JACKSON
You drove that all the way
from Kentucky?
LYLA
Got over 300,000 miles.
Check it out.
Lyla flips open the hood, lights it up with her phone.
LYLA (CONT’D)
Head only has ten thousand on it.
She tinkers with the carburetor.
JACKSON
Don’t tell me you’re a mechanic.
LYLA
I can fix any engine before computers. Like my dad says,
”Take care of your equipment and it’ll take care of you”.
They take off their shoes, walk to the beach.
Lyla looks up at the moon, then the water, then the coastline.
LYLA
You were right; amazing
They test the water.
LYLA (CONT’D)
Thanks for bringing me here, even if the water is absolutely fucking freezing.
Jackson laughs.
LYLA
But twenty-four hours ago I was just driving into town, so I think I need to get these wet feet into a dry bed.
JACKSON
I got a guest bedroom, less than five minutes from here. You got a half hour drive. No funny business, I promise.
LYLA
No, but thanks. You know,
“It’s a wrap.” Right?
She moves her fingers like quotation marks. Raises her eyes as if asking if her lingo is right.
JACKSON
You got it. It’s a wrap.
Jackson leads her away from the water.
JACKSON (CONT’D)
But I gotta tell you, after meeting and listening to Sandi, and talking to you, she’s okay, but you have what it takes.
LYLA
What do you mean?
JACKSON
You have the looks, the confidence, special talents, you can decline invitations in a respectful way, you’re responsible. You got charisma, girl, I mean it.
LYLA
You L.A. boys, I gotta tell ya, you really know your bullshit.
JACKSON
Look who’s talking. At least I’ve never landed in any.
They arrive at the truck. Lyla gets in, smiles good bye through the open window and leaves.
Jackson watches her leave, then makes a call.
JACKSON
Hey, got a new stunt woman for you. She rides bulls and barrel races, … yeah, no shit. She’s also a mechanic and could probably get that old production truck running.
NEW LOGLINE: Lyla sees an ocean for the first time and reveals new automotive skills to Jackson, who makes plans for her without her knowledge.
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Jack, I like that this feels like Jack has personal interest in Lyla, but it actually collecting her resume for ways he can exploit her for professional interests. Great twist.
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<title></title><style type=”text/css”>
</style>Beth Zurkowski Max Interest Part 1
Logline: Naya and Darsh are caught in the hay from Groundskeeper Bob.
Essence of situation
I used these from the list.
1. suspense
2.surprise
3. betrayal
4. uncertainty/ fear
I used my script: Jujitsu Wild West ( working title.)
EXT. BARN-DAY
Year 1910 La Crosse, Wisconsin USA
NAYA (16) meets with boyfriend DARSH (18). The two love birds make sure no one is around as they excitedly enter the barn. Horse buggy without horse is parked inside next to a model T car. Horses are also inside the stalls.
INT. BARN-DAY
Naya and Darsh can’t stop touching each other. They undress and have sex. Afterwards they rest in the hay.
NAYA
Darsh, I’m pretty sure I’m with child.
DARSH
Naya, that’s wonderful news.
NAYA
Not if I’m already promised to Old Man Vishnu. If my father finds out I’m pregnant–
Naya begins to tremble. Darsh puts his index finger on her lips.
DARSH
Shhhh. We’ll elope.
Just then the grounds keeper opens the door and enters. He puts a shovel against the wall. He hears whispering and he finds Naya and Darsh laying in the hay.
GROUNDSKEEPER BOB
What are you two doing in here?
Darsh and Naya stand up grabbing their clothes which they hold against their nudity.
DARSH
Bob, please don’t tell Naya’s father or family that we were in here.
GROUNDSKEEPER BOB
Naw, you don’t have to worry. My mouth is sealed.
INT. OFFICE- FRIDAY AFTERNOON
Naya’s father is with the accountant. He’s watching as she hands out paychecks. Groundskeeper Bob is handed six dollars.
GROUNDSKEEPER BOB
Good afternoon Mr. Master and Anna. How are you today?
Anna nods.
ANNA
Good.
MR. MASTER
I’m doing good. How are you?
GROUNDSKEEPER BOB
I’m doing fine, sir. I saw your daughter, Naya, and boyfriend the other day. They sure–
MR. MASTER
–My Naya doesn’t have a boyfriend! Besides she’s already promished to someone.
GROUNDSKEEPER BOB
I understand sir.
Groundskeeper Bob turns to go.
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This reply was modified 2 years ago by Beth Zurkowski.
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Beth, here is how I responded.
Introducing the money brings in a symbol that made me think that Naya is not for sale to the (I assume) wealthy old man. But the Groundskeeper is willing to say nothing and take his pay – even if this is not in a young woman’s best interest. What “price” is Naya going to pay for love?
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This reply was modified 2 years ago by
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Max interest
What I have learned is that any scene can have built interest into it. Some scenes are to move the story along or add one bit of information. The scene can still be interesting. I’ve also earned there are different ways to spice up a scene.
Log line: Sollie gets home from a long day and is tempted by a surprise.
Scene: Smoke ’em if you’ve got ’em.
Ex. Night. Sollie’s trailer.
Jeep pulls up.
Sollie gets out and enters the trailer.
Removes dirty work shirt.
checks phone for messages.
message from Drew.
Close-up of phone.
“Long day, got to get up early, going to bed soon. I’ll call you tomorrow.
Sollie puts the purse and bag with a styrofoam container down.
Sollie looks at the time and texts anyway.
Sollie: “What’s up? Trying to catch you before bed.”
Drew: “Nothing, How’s your day?
Sollie: ” Don’t ask. Tired.”
Drew; “me too. I’m in bed.
Sollie: “Oh yeah. I was thinking about coming over. You can stay right where you are.”
Drew: No, but thanks. I got a big day tomorrow.”
Sollie: ” OK, Sorry. Talk to you later”
Sollie plops down on the bench with a defeated look.
A Cubby hole above the table pops open.
Jed’s stash falls out. Included are a porn magazine and a bag of weed.
Sollie sifts through items. She grabs the bag of weed. Holds it for a moment, opens it, and lifts it to her face. She takes a big whiff.
Sollie: “not bad.”
Sollie reaches in and pulls out some buds and rolls them in her fingers.
Sollie puts the bag down and picks up the magazine and flips through it.
Sollie: “Oh, Wow! You dirty boy Jed.”
Sollie looks down at the table and stares at the bag of weed. Contemplation is all over her face. She picks up the bag and flips it back down.
Sollie: ” Nah.
cut to:
Sollie is still on the bench but now with a rolled joint in her mouth.
She lights a match that was among the items.
Sollie stares at the match, watching it burn. Transfixed on the flame until it burns her fingers.
Sollie: Ouch! Shit!
Sollie throws down the match and the joint falls out of her mouth.
Sollie: “What am I doing?” scolding herself.
Sollie picks up the joint and shakes her head back and forth.
Sollie: “Ugh.”
Sollie stares off into space. Her eyes look around the trailer. Nothing she sees impresses her. Sollie leans her head back looking up tensing her face and fighting an urge.
Sollie quickly puts the joint in her mouth, strikes another match, and lights the joint.
She closes her eyes and enjoys the inhale. Stress seems to leave her body.
Sollie: “Smoke ’em if you’ve got ’em. ” reiterating a phrase from Jerry.
Sollie leans back lifts her butt and with both hands pulls her pants down.
With a joint in her mouth, Sollie picks up the magazine with her left hand. Her right hand goes down and out of the scene.
Sollie: “They do like big asses around here, Don’t they.”
End scene.
End of the episode.
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Rodger, I agree with you in regards to the importance of knowing the purpose/function of the scene to gauge level’s of the scene’s energy and expression.
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Anna Burroughs Max Interest Part 1
What I learned that is improving my writing is…? The techniques are helpful to go through when trying to figure out how to jazz up a “meh” scene.
- Scene: EARTH: Göbekli Tepi
- Logline: Aturdokht makes a deal with the Devourer of Children to save her daughter.
- Essence: Moloch needs to keep his new mortal vessel alive. What better way to do it than to hold hostage his wayward lover’s fiancé and the “unwanted daughter” he swore to protect?
- Interest Technique 1 – Uncertainty / Hope / Fear: Aturdokht believes she and her daughter are about to be sacrificed. (I already had this written, but I broke it up into fear / hope / fear instead of just fear like it was before).
- Interest Technique 2 – Intrigue: This scene is the place where I introduce the “ticking clock” and I need to do it without being on-the-nose.
- Interest Technique 3 – Betrayal: Aturdokht and her family were Mikhail’s allies last season. Set up a future betrayal and future twist in this scene (maybe … not sure I want it to be them).
I don’t post my scenes.
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Anna,
Here is what I’ll remember from your posting: Interest Technique can set up the ticking clock!
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Jo’s Max Interest Part 1
What I learned: Adding as many interest techniques as possible into the same scene elevates the tension and keeps the audience’s attention. Writing in all 7 techniques lengthened the sce but made it more interesting. I can always go back and cut the length if I have to.
Script: “Justice For All”
Scene: The banks of the Niobrara River
Logline: Barrett Scott, Holt County Treasurer, checks the still Hendrix started up. The proceeds from the sale of corn liquor will be used to repay Scott’s Treasury shortage and avoid charges of embezzlement.
Essence: Barrett Scott, in a state of fright, accidentally blows up the still and his last chance to collect monies for the Treasury.
New Logline: Barrett Scott inadvertently destroys his last chance to collect money to reimburse the Treasury.
Interest Techniques I Attempted to Use:
–Suspense
–Major Twist
–Uncertainty (hope/fear)
–Intrigue
–Surprise
–More Interesting Setting
–Betrayal
Scene Rewrite
EXT. THE STILL ON THE NIOBRARA – NIGHT
A dark night lit only by a few stars. The river laps at its banks. Bullfrogs croak. An owl hoots. Its mate returns the call. The air is still. Hose hooves clip/clock against the river road hardened by drought and previous travelers. The squeak of a worn buggy wheel hub. We see the dark outline of a horse and buggy driven by a rotund male.
Scott is in a light mood. His baritone voice belts out a tune.
SCOTT
Oh my darlin, oh my darlin, oh my darlin Clementine, you are lost and gone forever, very sorry Clementine.
The horse stops suddenly, it ears cocked forward, listening. Scott is jarred back to reality.
SCOTT
Come on, Bess.
Scott hips the horse. It dances back and forth in response to the stinging blows, but refuses to move forward.
SCOTT
Goll dern old nag! Make me walk clear down there. Scott lifts his shotgun and a barn lantern out of the buggy. Lights it with farmer matches. The lantern smokes and with a swish it lights. He adjusts the flame. The horse instinctively darts from the perceived fire.
SCOTT
Whoa, girl. Whoa
Scott ties one driving line to the only cottonwood near the foot trail. He limps dow a recently worn foot path, favoring is club foot. He stops to catch his breath Listens.
BEATS
Scott approaches the still, throws more precut firewood on the cooker fire. He hold the lantern inside the mash barrel half full of the bubbling ooze of fermented mash. He picks up the taster jar, blows the dust off, turns on the spigot. Takes a swig and another, shaking his head and blowing his lips after each swallow.
SCOTT
It oughta sell.
Scott’s mare whinnies as if to greet another horse. Scott peers into the dark. A jack rabbit bounds out of the brush, startles Scott. His mare whinnies again. A nighthawk takes flight with a piercing screech. Scott ducks.
A shadowed outline of a cowboy atop a horse moves near Scott’s horse. The mare nickers.
A nighthawk takes flight with a screech barely missing Scott’s head. He ducks.
SCOTT
Shit!
A twig snaps.
Scott wheels toward the sound. Waits. Listens.
Silence.
Scott loads both barrels of his 10 gauge shotgun.
He refills his cups and chugs it down. Coughs.
SCOTT
I know you’re there!
Scott stares into the darkness. Silence…Then a rustling in the brush. Scott’s breather is rapid. Attempts to calm himself with more hooch.
Scott point his gun in the direction of the sound. He aims…Waits…a doe. Scott exhales. Yells into the night…
SCOTT
You goddamn ghost!
Scott surveys all around him, pointing his gun in a half circle.
SCOTT
Show yourself, coward!
A rustling from the opposite direction.
Scott, becoming inebriated, hurries up the path, bumping from one side to the other, bush branches slapping at his chest and face. He stops. Catches his breath.
The fog rises from the river and slowly melds into the valley just as he sun peeks behind the hills.
SCOTT
What the hell do you want?
Silence.
Scott reaches the buggy, out of breath. He plunks the shotgun on the seat and the lantern on the floor. He hurries to untie the mare.
Scott struggles to hoist himself into the lurching buggy attached to a nervous mare.
He settles on the seat. Puts the shotgun across his lap. Holds the lines taunt.
SCOTT
I ain’t got no money. All I’ve got to my name is a couple of horses, my wife and my daughter.
You can have my wife for 5,000 dollars. You hear me? A measly 5 grand.
Silence.
SCOTT
You rotten bastard.
Scott’s horse jigs, rattling the harness.
SCOTT
Whoa, Bess. Whoa I said.
Scott stares into the bog. For a brief moment we see a blurry figure mounted on a black stallion. Scott’s horse nickers. Scott fires the 10 gage into the fog. The figure disappears.
Scott’s mare paws the dirt. Scott grabs the lines.
SCOTT
Settle down Bess. I killed the spook.
A rustling.
Scott fires the second barrel of his gun. The thunderous sound rumbles down the valley.
The still explodes.
Scott’s rares, dumps Scoot to the floor of his buggy. He loses his hold on the lines. His once bullet proof mare becomes a wild runaway.
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Jo, this is fun with only Scott speaking. I agree that as interest techniques increase, tension increases.
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David’s Max Interest Part 1
What I learned that is improving my writing is squeezing every ounce of interest out of each scene.
LOGLINE: The guys get pulled over by a cop- the Stanley Cup’s in the trunk
ESSENCE: Victor tries to con Charlie in letting him take the Cup back to Roski (where Victor will sell it to his collector client)
Suspense. We see they pass cop- they don’t see him
Major twist. Cop pulls them over, then lets them go when get other call
Surprise. Cop suspicious, then plays along
Put in a More Interesting Setting. Gas station, fast food joint, In front Jersey stadium where Devils play, hardcore Jersey cop with Devils pin, Prudential Center.
Mislead / Reveal. We think they’re free, then not. We think they’re fucked, then not
Character changes radically. Cop becomes friendly
Betrayal. Victor feels C betraying him
Superior Position / Dramatic Irony. See the cop. The strip club got them off.
Uncertainty — hope / fear. They don’t get arrested/they do
Intrigue. Car almost fucks them over. Sees PA plates.
I implemented suspense and setting into the scene, adding more tension.
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David,
It sounds like you’re adding reversals to the list of interest techniques. Very interesting.
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Leo’s Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is even when I think a scene is cool and good, looking at it again with the interest techniques in mind can yield improvements.
LOGLINE: Martin and Peaches decide they need to get back the magic pendant.
ESSENCE: Martin and Peaches overcome jealousy and fear in order to come up with a new plan.
CHANGES: Added more SUSPENSE – Who is coming up the elevator? CHARACTER CHANGE – Peaches agrees to let Martin go after Precious. TWIST – First time Martin and Peaches kiss.
INT. SECRET ROOM – NIGHT
Peaches hiding in the shadows. Hears the elevator.
She looks frightened. Sees the axe on the floor. Grabs it. Positions herself in striking distance of the elevator doors.
Elevator doors open. Martin jumps out aggressively waving a knife as Peaches swings the axe, barely missing him, the axe embedding into the floor.
They make eye contact.
MARTIN
Well, I knew you were mad at me…
PEACHES
I didn’t know it was you.
She looks in the elevator.
MARTIN
What?
PEACHES
Just checking to see if your girlfriend Precious was in there.
They turn towards one another.
MARTIN
She’s not my girlfriend. I was just trying to get Nunu’s pendant back. It has some kind of magical power over this place.
Elevator doors close behind them.
MARTIN
Did you show this place to anyone else?
PEACHES
No, but that doesn’t mean other people don’t know about it.
MARTIN
We need a plan.
He walks over to the open window and Peaches follows.
MARTIN
This is the only window that didn’t close.
He steps out on the ledge. The same one where Rolf was earlier. Peaches sticks her head out the window, worried.
MARTIN
If only I had a rope or something, I could swing over to those trees and get us down.
PEACHES
So, now you’re Tarzan?
She takes hold of Martin’s arm and guides him back in.
As she helps in they end up in each others arms.
MARTIN
We need a plan.
PEACHES
You really believe what you said about the pendant?
MARTIN
Yes.
PEACHES
Then get it back from Precious.
MARTIN
You won’t go whacko on me again?
PEACHES
Hey, you Tarzan, me Jane.
They kiss.
They break their embrace. Martin turns and pushes the elevator button. Peaches pulls the axe loose from the floor.
MARTIN
What’s that for?
PEACHES
Not letting you go alone. I’ll look for the others and get them up here where they’ll be safe.
Peaches holds axe up menacingly.
PEACHES
And if Precious gets too affectionate, I’m ready.
Elevator sound.
As the elevator doors open they jump into a defensive stance. The elevator is empty. Sigh of relief. The go in, and the doors close.
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Edward Richards – maximum interest Part 1
What I’ve learned – use as many techniques as you can, and squeeze the most out of them, for maximum interest.
Logline: Chaplin overpowers a guard and escapes from the room.
Essence: Chaplin discovers a side to himself he never suspected. He can kill dispassionately. Like a battle hardened soldier.
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Chaplin surfaces from sleep. Opens his eyes. Looks around. Unfamiliar surroundings. What the hell? He wears a hospital gown. In a hospital bed. In a private room. It’s eerily quiet. He peels back the bedding. Braces for the worst. No obvious damage. He test drives arms and legs. Phew. Both in working order.
He sits up. Grimaces with pain. Eases himself out of bed. Wobbles to the window, covered by curtains. Pulls them back. No window. A brick wall. Alarm sweeps over him.
He shuffles to the door. Pauses. Stretches arms and legs. Get some feeling back. He tests the door handle like a safecracker. Edges it ajar. A hospital orderly sit at a desk. His back to him.
Reassured, Chaplin pushes the door open. It creaks. Loudly. The orderly turns. Spot him. Springs up. Grabs the gun in the back of his pants. Chaplin throws himself at him. Smothers him in a tackle. Down they go. The orderly cracks his head on the floor. Hard. His pressure on Chaplin deflates. He’s out cold.
Chaplin exhales the tension from his body. Get to his feet. Grabs a scarf from the rack. Ties the orderly’s hands. Pulls off one of his socks. Stuffs it in his mouth.
He checks out the room. Two doors lead off it. One looks like an entrance. The other, in the far corner, closed. In the middle of the room a table. Two coffee mugs. Two? Chaplin stiffens. On high alert. The only sound his breathing
A door handle rattles.
MALE VOICE (O.S.)
‘You there, Kurt?’
A burly, unshaven, guard shuffles into the room. Sleepy eyed. Chaplin drops down over the orderly’s body. Reaches for the gun in the back of his belt. It’s stuck. His weight pins it to the floor. Chaplin tugs. And tugs. It won’t budge. The guard spots Chaplain.
GUARD
‘What the fuck?’
He pulls out a gun. Aims at Chaplin.
BANG. BANG. BANG.
The guard falls to the floor. Chaplin stands frozen to the spot. The orderly’s gun still pointing at where the guard stood. Chaplin looks down at his hand. No shake. Not even the slightest tremor. Dead steady.
CHAPLIN
‘Jesus.’
He moves to the door. Opens it. Not a house. Not a road. Not a tree. Not anything. Just endless snow. Now what?
-
Joy Geldard-Smith’s Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is… It’s always possible to improve on what you wrote, especially if you allow yourself to be less attached to what you wrote. Adding more than one interest technique can layer the writing and definitely keeps the audience guessing. I’m not sure I’ve quite managed that with my rewritten scene, but it’s definitely an improvement on what I’d previously done (prior to the ProSeries!)
Script: Breathless
Scene logline: Byrne and Anna have been out celebrating. They run into Byrne’s ex, Chastity, who is out to stop Byrne’s plan.
Scene essence: Chastity vs Byrne
Interest techniques:
– Intrigue/Suspense – Why is Chastity there?
– Uncertainty – not quite hope/fear, but we don’t know what exactly Chastity wants as she starts off being more reasonable than in other recent scenes.
– More interesting setting – initially outside a nightclub, now inside a fast food place, so now there are more bystanders and weapons.
– Character changes radically – Anna the bookworm is drunk for the first time and demanding to get what she wants.
Rewritten scene:
EXT. FAST FRIES RESTAURANT – LATER
Anna enters the dimly-lit dive that dares to call itself restaurant and orders, Byrne follows just behind. Anna is obviously drunk, fitting in nicely with the rest of the customers.
As they wait for Anna’s food, Byrne scans for a meal of his own.
BYRNE
Had fun, little one?
ANNA
Yes! I should have opened my eyes before. I’ve got so much lost time to make up for.
BYRNE
Don’t worry, you’ve got an eternity of laughs to come.
Chastity sidles up through the shadows.
CHASTITY
With you?
ANNA
Not you again! We’re having a nice night, so just run along.
CHASTITY
Run along? You’ve changed your tune.
ANNA
And I’m going to dance to my new tune forever!
A fleeting look from the staff.
CHASTITY
You didn’t?
BYRNE
Girl just likes the taste of peach schnapps.
CHASTITY
I guess getting a minor drunk is pretty tame for you.
BYRNE
Practically a day off. She did have a point though, you must be here to spoil our fun.
Anna is worse for wear but brightens when her chips appear.
CHASTITY
Byrne, despite everything, you still mean something to me.
BYRNE
I knew it. Didn’t I tell you, Anna?
Anna nods through a mouthful of fries and hot sauce.
CHASTITY
We’ve been friends for centu-
(don’t spill the beans in front of the restaurant)
-for a long time, so I wanted to give you one last chance to stop this madness.
Chastity spins Byrne round, away from Anna who is concentrating on her greasy snack.
BYRNE
You know I can’t do that.
CHASTITY
This is vengeance, pure and simple.
BYRNE
(your point?)
Yeah.
CHASTITY
Dig two graves?
BYRNE
Best served cold.
CHASTITY
Only bring pain?
BYRNE
Sweet and not fattening.
CHASTITY
Revenge is it’s own executioner.
BYRNE
Revenge doesn’t stop.
CHASTITY
Living well is the best revenge?
BYRNE
Look, what I’m doing, will bring glory back to our race.
Anna’s fries are almost gone and her attention is returning to them.
ANNA
Yeah, glory.
Byrne has no regard for his surroundings or who overhears.
BYRNE
Humans will fear us-
ANNA
Scary!
BYRNE
We will take our rightful place.
Anna punches the air, spilling the last of her fries. She gets a napkin and cleans them up, the good girl not quite banished yet.
CHASTITY
How can there be a great kingdom if there’s no food?
BYRNE
I’m not going to kill all of them. Just treat them more like… the way they treat cows.
Byrne points up towards the menus.
ANNA
Moo.
CHASTITY
If you don’t stop this, you’ll destroy more than… the cattle.
Chastity is still watching her words.
BYRNE
Don’t be so melodramatic. I’ve got it all worked out.
CHASTITY
This rat of a mortal isn’t worth the risks you’re taking now.
ANNA
Hey!
CHASTITY
Not you. Stephanie.
BYRNE
I see green eyes, Chastity. You said she wasn’t worth being outlawed for, but without the Masters, I’m free. I’m more truly a vampire than you’ve ever been.
CHASTITY
I can’t protect you from the Masters anymore.
BYRNE
Sod the Masters. What are they going to do? Write some little rules to hurt me?
CHASTITY
They sent me to kill you.
Anna instantly sobers up.
BYRNE
Then you’d better take a shot, eh, love?
Exasperated, Chastity takes one look around the restaurant and decides it could use the insurance money. She punches Byrne in the face. Byrne fights back, and there is an evenly matched struggle, dodging the diners and tables, and using weapons more suited to a picnic.
Anna becomes increasingly bored, and eventually takes a small flask of holy water and pours it in Chastity’s eyes.
BYRNE (CONT’D)
What d’you do that for? I was winning.
ANNA
I’m cold, I’m bored, and I finished my food. Take me home!
Byrne likes Anna’s newfound impatience.
-
Bernadine Okoro Max Interest – Part 1
What I learned in IMPROVING MY WRITING is that creating maximum interest takes work. And initially I was stumped in making changes as to the scenes. It was easier for me to practice the techniques of putting the scene in a more interesting setting, a major twist and character changes radically. Also, I felt that I needed to go back to my character’s extreme traits trying to tie their traits to scenes and scene changes. So I picked a beginning scene that needed assistance as I need to rework my extreme traits from the beginning of the screenplay.
I selected a scene closer to ACT 1 of the screenplay.
Logline: We are in Ward 6, a psychiatric ward for juveniles that is situated behind Capitol Hill. Terrance Hawkins gives Julius Kincaid a glimpse of its residents. In the Arkansas room, We see a black girl in her tweens at a wooden desk. The bed next to the desk is made up. The girl’s head is covered with a cloth. She mutters back and forth to herself. She says “They got it twisted. Ain’t nobody getting anything over me. Nobody.”
I used the techniques of “major twist” and the “character changes radically” for the rewrite:
INT. PSYCHIATRIC WARD – DIMLY LIT ROOM – DAY
A small, dimly lit room in a rundown psychiatric ward. The door opens. The atmosphere is heavy with despair and isolation. A wooden desk sits against one wall, next to a neatly made bed. A black girl in her tweens, her head covered with a cloth, is seated at the desk. She mutters to herself, lost in her own world.
ANGLE ON: The cloth slips off the girl’s head, revealing her face. It bears scars and bruises, evidence of her inner torment. Her eyes, filled with fear and sorrow, reflect the deep pain she carries.
Suddenly, the room undergoes a sinister transformation. The walls contort, pulsating with eerie energy. Strange substances ooze from the cracks, creating an otherworldly ambiance.
The girl’s body starts to twist and elongate, as if being pulled by unseen forces. The wooden desk shatters beneath her, revealing a cold, concrete floor. Her clothes morph into a faded hospital gown, tattered and stained.
MONTAGE:
The girl’s muttering intensifies, blending with distorted voices and fragmented thoughts that echo throughout the room.
Shadows dance and crawl along the walls, mocking her fragile state of mind.
The room becomes a nightmarish maze, its layout shifting unpredictably, trapping the girl within its twisted corridors.
BACK TO SCENE:
The girl, now a prisoner of her own mind, fights against the overwhelming darkness that surrounds her. Her struggle is futile, as the room itself seems to feed off her despair, intensifying her suffering.
As the door closes, we’re left with the haunting image of the girl, trapped within the nightmarish confines of the psych ward, battling against the overwhelming darkness that threatens to consume her completely.
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