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Lesson 2
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KZ’s Wordsmithing!
Vision: To master screenwriting so that I can turn any of my ideas into salable scripts, and work with producers to get them made.
What I learned from doing this assignment is… that searching for individual words helped me to zip through the descriptions and improve them without getting caught up in re-reading the script.
The verb I most needed to replace was “to look,” though it wasn’t painfully overused: only about 10 transgressions.
In a scene where my leads play poker, it was a perfect moment for Wendy to “peek” at her cards.
The meditation teacher “surveys” the room.
I also tend to have characters turn. In several cases, I simply reordered the sentence so that they didn’t have to turn before speaking.
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Module 9 – Assignment 2
Paul’s wordsmithing!
4. Vision: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.
5. What I learned from this assignment was just how many words are repeated in my script. The main offenders were: Get, Going, and Man. I discovered that it suggests laziness and a lack of originality. It was a very useful exercise since it showed up related weaknesses in the script (undramatic actions; superfluous detail etc.)
6. In my first wordsmithing I made over 20 changes.
a. In an early scene, Jaime, a corrupt DEA agent, surprises Lilia, a hotel-cleaner, as she’s looking at US government documents on his nightstand.
BEFORE: As Lilia walks past him, her head down, he gets a better look at her.
AFTER: As Lilia walks past him, he grabs her chin, forcing her to look him in the eye.
I was dealing with the verb GETS, since there are around 42 in the entire script. This change allowed me to give Jaime a more active role and also reflect his violent character in actions as well as words.
b. A fentanyl lab has just been raided in a house in Lilia’s street. Her father, Tino, is not surprised.
BEFORE: Tino: I knew they were going to get him, sooner or later.
AFTER: Tino: It was obvious they’d haul him in, sooner or later.
I was targeting the verb GET. What I discovered was that replacing “GET him” with “HAUL him in” adds sub-text. The cops knew about the fentanyl lab, and it was just a matter of time before they would “haul him in”, like a fish at the end of a line.
c. A man has just died in his home of gunshot wounds. His son, in a wheelchair, approaches his father’s body that is lying on the ground.
BEFORE: The dead man’s son stretches down to touch the man’s head.
AFTER: The son, stretching down, touches his father’s cheek.
I was targeting the noun MAN which appears 15 times in the first ten pages. I removed two “man” and introducing the word “FATHER” makes the scene more personal. Thus, the wordsmithing helped me identify other words to make the scene, literally and figuratively, more “touching” e.g. “cheek” instead of “head.”
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Paul McGregor.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by
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