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Lesson 15
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8 Replies
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Jacqueline’s scene rating
I did this assignment after Hal took us through the class on it. I made lots of changes to my script but I didn’t make notes of them all. I’m finding it difficult when the lessons come out much later than the lessons we have in class so have no notes to put here but it was a very helpful lesson.
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15 (June Fortunato) Examination of the character, Ti’s (antagonist’s) dialogue
for the screenplay, Katie and Ti
Currently, 34 pages written- 6 pages into Act 2
what I learned
Good assignment. I did improve several of the characters’ lines. I want to improve Ti’s dialogue, (and character) but so far, she has taken it all in. Her scenes are coming up.
KATIE
Hey, Yo! Yo! More drinks. More pretzels! An for her.
TI
Why don’t you get some sleep? There’s so much to do when you get there.
———————–
KATIE
Hey, Yo! Yo! More drinks. More pretzels! An for her.
TI
Give it a rest.
Katie swivels, so Ti modulates her tone.
TI
Why don’t you get some sleep? There’s so much to do when you get there.
———————–
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<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Subject: Monica’s Unique Character Dialogue
What I learned doing this assignment is there is still improvements to be made even though I’ve lived with these characters for a long time.
Once you’ve completed your Protagonist and Antagonist, tell us how much improvement you feel it made to their dialogue and give us three examples of “before and after” for each character.
1. Because I wanted more sexual tension between the Protagonist and her secondary character, I added this dialogue when he picked her up after she disappeared on an undercover mission.
Daniel stares out the window.
DANIEL
We’re supposed to be partners. We need that level of trust to develop or there’ll be consequences neither of us will like.
VICTORIA
I know. And I’m trying. But I was a beat cop for a long time. Alone. It takes a while to change.
(beat)
Besides I don’t know where you and I stand with each other since you kissed me.
Daniel stares into space. Nods.
DANIEL
We should table that for after the mission. Sex tends to make a mess of things.
VICTORIA
No one said anything about sex.
DANIEL
Right.
(beat)
Learn anything today?
2. The Protagonist has been betrayed by the Antagonist’s secondary character.
Before:
JACK
The Lost Kitten was raided. My mother’s house was broken into. You tell my mother I killed those guys.
VICTORIA
And this is my fault?
JACK
You told me you called the cops.
VICTORIA
Not that time.
JACK
What?! Who broke into my mother’s house?
VICTORIA
How the hell do I know?
Victoria struggles against her bonds.
Jack slaps her. Leans close to her ear.
JACK
I’m going to teach you a lesson.
VICTORIA
Like the last lesson you tried to teach me. What five minutes ago? When you had to have someone help you?
After:
JACK
The Lost Kitten was raided. My mother’s house was broken into. You tell my mother I killed those guys.
VICTORIA
You did kill them. So how is this is my fault?
JACK
Of course, it’s your fault. You’re the newest variable.
(beat)
And you’re an undercover cop. Whose name is Victoria Williams.
VICTORIA
(smirks)
Well done. And how pray tell do you know that?
JACK
Because your little sister told me.
Victoria struggles against her bonds.
VICTORIA
What are you talking about?
Jack slaps her. Leans close to her ear.
JACK
Your sister, Lizzie. Is my partner.
VICTORIA
WHAT?!
Jack smirks. To Sean and the GOON.
JACK
You two out.
(to Victoria)
You betrayed me and now I’m going to teach you a lesson.
VICTORIA
Like the last lesson you tried to teach me. What five minutes ago? When you had to have someone help you?
Jack hits her again.
VICTORIA
You’re going to pay for that. You pathetic, failure of a man.
Jack hits her again. Stands with his legs on each side of Victoria. Rubs his crotch. Unzips his pants. Fondles her breast. Smirks. She smirks back.
JACK
I’m going to enjoy this.
VICTORIA
Did Lizzie also tell you about my skill set?
JACK
What skill set?
VICTORIA
That’d be telling.
(beat)
Tell me how long have you been screwing your mother?
Jack winds up to slap her again but…
Victoria brings her knee up. Catches him in the groin. Head butts him. He falls to the floor.
3. I’ve moved this scene to the beginning to set up some sexual tension between the Protagonist and her secondary character. They are just meeting for the first time. It also, introduces most of the main characters.
Before:
INT. GYM – LATER
Starts to kick the bag.
A door opens. Daniel wends his way across the room to where she is beating up the bag. He leans back against the ring.
DANIEL
Hardly a fair fight. The bag can’t fight back.
Victoria gives the bag one swift roundhouse kick. Turns to face him. She’s breathing hard.
VICTORIA
Well tough guy. Let’s go.
DANIEL
I didn’t come here to fight you.
VICTORIA
Then why are you here?
DANIEL
Robert isn’t happy that Serena is going with you undercover.
Victoria shrugs. Wipes sweat from her face with her arm.
VICTORIA
I don’t think Jack realizes how deep undercover she is.
DANIEL
Then she should be safe.
VICTORIA
Unlike me. Since you blew my cover.
DANIEL
(shrugs)
Couldn’t be helped.
(beat)
Leah and Misty want to help.
VICTORIA
Really! No. It’s too dangerous.
She strides past him taking off her gloves.
DANIEL
Officer Trippet is giving them some self-defense lessons.
(beat)
Nice view.
Victoria turns and drops him to the floor. She jumps down and wrenches his arm behind his back.
VICTORIA
Convinced that I’m ready to return to action?
Daniel nods. She hops up. Jogs to the change room.
After:
INT. BOXING GYM – DAY
A door opens. Victoria glances over.
Enter SERENA CASH, mid-30s, beautiful, black, strong, dark glasses. Pushes the glasses onto the top of her head.
Followed by, SUPERINTENDENT ROBERT TETRAULT, late-50’s, grizzled, bald. Built like a tank. Café au lait skin tone.
And, INSPECTOR DANIEL FORD, tall, 40s, muscular, dark hair, dark eyes.
DANIEL
That her?
SERENA
It is.
(to Victoria)
Got your text. So here we are.
Victoria waves.
Serena, Robert and Daniel wind their way around the ring to where Victoria beats up the bag.
Gives the bag a swift roundhouse kick. Turns to face them. Breathing hard. Sweat pools at her feet. Daniel looks her up and down. Serena runs over to a pile of towels.
Victoria cocks her head to the side. Hands on hips. Takes a step…
VICTORIA
Who are you?
DANIEL
Inspector Daniel Ford. Your partner and team lead on this mission.
ROBERT
I’m Superintendent Robert Tetrault. I run the human trafficking division of the Toronto Police Service. I’ll be running interference between us and the RCMP.
Victoria bumps her glove against Daniel and Robert’s fists.
Serena throws Victoria a towel.
VICTORIA
Thanks.
SERENA
So good to see you. Have you met these guys?
VICTORIA
We introduced ourselves.
(to Daniel)
Want to go?
DANIEL
We’re not here to box.
VICTORIA
Are you scared?
DANIEL
Maybe another time.
VICTORIA
Now’s a good time. I like to take the measure of my partners.
(beat)
Let’s go.
ROBERT
Yeah, Daniel. Let’s see what you got.
Daniel removes his shoes and socks. Victoria runs to the equipment shelves. Returns with a set of gloves and helmet. Throws them to Daniel.
They enter the ring. Daniel pulls on the gloves. Plops the helmet on his head.
Victoria and Daniel circle each other.
VICTORIA
Why are you here?
DANIEL
To meet you. The RCMP briefed us this morning on the country-wide Strategic Trafficking Action Response Taskforce force.
VICTORIA
Did they emphasize that this mission is first and foremost an RCMP undercover op?
DANIEL
Perfectly. But I have to wonder why? Since we’ve already done years of infiltrating this particular human trafficking ring. Serena is a trusted member of the ring now.
VICTORIA
I know. But an RCMP op provides more leeway in dealing with the perps.
Victoria lashes out with a kick. Daniel catches her foot. Drops her to the mat. Stands over top of her.
Daniel extends his hand. Victoria reluctantly grabs it. He pulls her to her feet. They circle one another again.
DANIEL
How so?
VICTORIA
It’s a strategy that has been very successful in bringing down other major crimes perps. Act more like a bad guy than a good guy. Lie, use trickery, whatever dubious thing you can think of.
PUNCH. PUNCH. PUNCH. Dance apart.
ROBERT
When do you start?
VICTORIA
Serena’s introducing me to the brains behind the targeted human trafficking ring.
Victoria kicks out.
DANIEL
I thought this was just a boxing bout.
VICTORIA
Why would you think that?
DANIEL
I’m not wearing the right clothes for kickboxing.
VICTORIA
You’re never wearing the right clothes when a fight shows up.
DANIEL
And you get into a lot of fights don’t you.
VICTORIA
What does that mean?
PUNCH. KICK. PUNCH.
DANIEL
I know all about the lone wolf stuff. But I’m still wondering why now?
They circle each other.
VICTORIA
Just don’t get in my way. I’m catching that bastard Jack Baker this time.
ROBERT
Funny thing is. He’s not the brains behind the human trafficking. He’s just the monkey.
Victoria turns to Serena and Robert.
VICTORIA
So who’s the organ grinder?
SERENA
His mother. Beatrice. We’re meeting her tonight.
Daniel takes advantage. Sweeps her legs out from under her. Straddles her. With her arms over her head. They stare at each other. Sparks fly!
Daniel leans close to her ear.
DANIEL
If women want to be cops you need to know how to take care of yourself.
VICTORIA
Meaning?
DANIEL
Never. Ever. Lose your focus.
(beat)
Cookie.
VICTORIA
You always call someone you don’t know names?
Daniel shrugs. Jumps up. Hops out of the ring. Grabs a towel. Pats himself down as he watches Victoria roll up.
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Fran’s Scene Ratings
What I learned: pretty much what I’ve been saying in the earlier lessons and all my other classes. I need on this particular script a complete overhaul now that I know how to do it, I can get to work on, dig in and get it done. There will be a LOT of improvement when I’m finished.
Thank you.
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Connie’s Unique Character Dialog
What I learned doing this exercise is that my antagonist needs more lines and a stronger presence. This is a great process to make certain the dialog is consistent and true to the character’s traits.
Randall Duncan, the Antagonist, Daisy’s ex-husband. I found openings to add dialog from him in reaction to other characters. His traits: Sneaky, Determined, Unfaithful, Chameleon.
Buck Wright (Daisy’s love interest and new dance partner) his main traits are Smartass, Funny, Kind, Haunted.
Scene #48 INT. DAISY’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
After their second big dance contest win and accelerating flirting and physical connection, they are about to have sex for the first time.
He gently lifts her hand to his lips, kissing the back of it gallantly.
BUCK
That’s how the Italians do it.
He kisses her sweetly on each cheek.
BUCK
That’s how the French do it.
Buck leans over, cups both sides of Daisy’s face, kissing her long and luxuriously.
BUCK
And, that, my dear, is how we do it in Eastern Oregon.
Daisy pulls away freeing herself from Buck’s embrace.
DAISY
Don’t you have the highest rate of teen pregnancy in the state there?
Daisy gathers up the wine glasses, wiping the bar down.
BUCK
Looks like my cue to hit the trail.
DAISY
It has been a big day.
Buck nuzzles her neck from behind, covering her arms with his, as he whispers each phrase with a small kiss.
BUCK
Great day. Don’t want it to end. Doesn’t have to. We don’t have to.
He turns her to face him and continues kissing her with increasing passion.
BUCK
Miss Daisy, can I drive you to a little dirty dancin’?
DAISY
You’re just caught up in the excitement of winning and you’re mixing up your movies.
BUCK
Ah huh.
DAISY
This is still a bad idea, right?
Buck dances Daisy toward the staircase.
BUCK
You go up and slip out of those pretty but unnecessary clothes. I need to grab something from my van.
Daisy allows herself to be nudged up the stairs, as Buck kisses her again and dashes down the steps and out the door.
Revised scene with stronger dialog for Buck:
Daisy tries to resist her attraction by tidying up.
BUCK
Is this my cue to hit the trail?
DAISY
It has been a big day.
Buck nuzzles her neck from behind, covering her arms with his, as he whispers each phrase with a small kiss.
BUCK
Yep, a great day. It doesn’t have to end. We don’t have to.
He turns her to face him and continues kissing her with increasing passion.
BUCK
Miss Daisy, can I drive you to a little dirty dancin’?
DAISY
You’re just caught up in the excitement of winning and by the way, you’re mixing up your movies.
BUCK
You’re right and I know you love being right! I was just trying to see if you were paying attention.
DAISY
This is still a bad idea, right?
Buck dances Daisy toward the staircase.
BUCK
Remember, sometimes it’s good to be bad. You go up and slip out of those pretty but unnecessary clothes. I need to grab something from my truck. I’ll be right back.
Daisy allows herself to be nudged up the stairs, as Buck kisses her again and dashes down the steps and out the door.
Daisy Duncan, the protagonist, a divorced librarian obsessed with dance and winning the over 50 national contest and a true love to share her life with. Her traits : Bossy, Controlling, Insecure, Romantic.
INT. RENTED VAN – DAY
Daisy drives, Izzy rides shot-gun with P.T., Frank, Randall in the back seat, the 3 Benton-Smyths in the middle of the van headed north. Most doze as soft INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC plays.
P.T.
Izzy, would you change the music to something more upbeat?
IZZY
You want sing along tunes?
Daisy turns back toward P.T.
DAISY
P.T., go back to sleep. Soft music keeps everyone calm.
P.T.
Bored, you mean.
A couple of hitchhikers on the shoulder hold a sign, Vancouver or Bust! Izzy rolls down her window.
IZZY
SORRY MATES, NO ROOM!
Izzy holds the button to raise her window and pulls down the visor mirror to straighten her hair.
DAISY
New subject. Stanley Park may have changed since you were there for the Girl Scout jamborees?
IZZY
I’ve dreamed of a ceremony in that chapel since I was eleven. The photos online were lovely. It simply has to be perfect, it’s my wedding, Mum. I’M GETTING MARRIED!
They happily grin at each other, until like a turtle, Quincy inserts his head in between spoiling the moment.
QUINCY
Celia has urgent need of the loo.
DAISY
We stopped twenty miles ago.
Eyebrow raised, Quincy gives Daisy his annoyed headmaster face prompting her to pull off at the next rest area.
DAISY
Okay, got it.
Revised scene for Daisy:
INT. RENTED VAN – DAY
Daisy drives, Izzy rides shot-gun with P.T., Frank, Randall in the back seat, the 3 Benton-Smyths in the middle of the van headed north. Most doze as soft INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC plays.
P.T.
Izzy, would you change the music to something more upbeat?
IZZY
You want sing along tunes?
DAISY
P.T., go back to sleep. Soft music keeps everyone calm.
P.T.
Bored, you mean.
A couple of hitchhikers on the shoulder hold a sign, Vancouver or Bust! Izzy rolls down her window.
IZZY
SORRY MATES, NO ROOM!
Izzy holds the button to raise her window and pulls down the visor mirror to straighten her hair.
DAISY
You know sweetie, Stanley Park may have changed since you were there for the Girl Scout jamborees? I don’t want you to be disappointed.
IZZY
I’ve dreamed of a ceremony in that chapel since I was eleven. The photos online were lovely. It simply has to be perfect, it’s my wedding, Mum. I’M GETTING MARRIED!
They happily grin at each other, until like a turtle, Quincy inserts his head in between spoiling the moment.
QUINCY
Celia has urgent need of the loo.
DAISY
Really? We just stopped twenty miles ago.
Eyebrow raised, Quincy shows her his annoyed headmaster face.
DAISY
Okay, I got it. There’s a rest area coming up.
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Tracy’s unique character dialogue
This is a great assignment to ponder! It’s demanded a lot of rewriting. I’m too close to it to know if there’s a clear deliniation among the characters — that they are speaking from thier own profile. In my mind and ear they are each unique since I can picture them talking. But how’s it on the page?
I’m also mindful that I’m tackling a comedy — not slapstick or full of one-liners. But it should still be amusing and not dark. I also have to move the story along and not get stuck in expository. Tall order!
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[Pro Rewrite] Assignment Lesson 15 – Robert Daniel’s Scene Ratings
What I learned doing this assignment is that using the evaluation passes for the Antagonist and the Protagonist will greatly improve my script. All of which I will use my Master Diagnostic Pass Sheets on at the end of the lessons in one rewrite session. Thanks
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ASSIGNMENT 15
Subject Line: Pat’s Scene Ratings
What I learned doing this assignment is to be more forceful.
1. Take these steps with your lead characters to elevate their dialogue, focusing on one character at a time.
• STEP 1: Select ONE lead character’s profile.
Character Name: Ronnie Hester
Role: Dish Washer/ Courier
Core Character Traits
• Handsome
• Demands Respect
• Passive/Aggressive
• Smart
• Subtext: When attacked, Ronnie Hester fights back especially for the people he loves.
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• Look at each line that character says and ask “Is there anything from this profile represented in that line?”
• Changed 12 dialogue lines.
2. Once you’ve completed your Protagonist and Antagonist, tell us how much improvement you feel it made to their dialogue and give us three examples of “before and after” for each character.
INT. RONNIE’S HOUSE – DAY
Ronnie’s upset that he’s mom doesn’t believe him.
Ronnie
I can’t believe you don’t believe me.
Ronnie jumps up from the table, knocking the chair to the floor. Slamming the door as he goes out.
EXT. SKATEPARK – DAY
Carpenter a fellow skater, skates over to Ronnie.
Carpenter
What’s your problem Geek?
I have no problem; I was just wondering what yours is?
INT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT
Charlie, Stan, and Jody are being held captive. Ronnie sneaks into the warehouse.
Ronnie (V.O.)
Whatever it takes, I’m bringing my friends home.
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