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Lesson 15: Exchange Feedback
Make agreements to exchange feedback.
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33 Replies
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Alfred Dunham: Thriller Map Version 1:2 REVISED
What I learned doing this assignment:
It has been a while since I wrote a Synopsis or Treatment. This seems a bit long, but it follows the incidental map as closely as possible. It has certainly been the easiest one I’ve ever written. IT WORKS!
I would not normally include the Act breaks, but for this assignment I thought they might help. But I did leave out the MMM eight Steps (two per Act), which I normally like to use for simplicity of writing.
I am using the most recent recommendation to BOLD the Sluglines.
By way of explanation, The Valley is something of a composite of Yosemite Valley (hence, Bridal Veil/POHONO Falls) and Evolution Valley, north of 13,000 ft. Muir Pass on the John Muir Trail. Everything else is fiction.
Looking ahead at my developing script, in the context of the scenario, here’s how psychological horror elements might be incorporated into my script:
1. Uncertainty and Ambiguity: The couple’s disorientation in the fog, the malfunctioning GPS devices, and the mysterious symbols in the cabin create an atmosphere of uncertainty. The audience is left guessing what’s real and what’s imagined, much like the characters.
2. Isolation and Paranoia: The couple’s isolation in the wilderness contributes to their growing sense of paranoia. They can’t trust their senses or the environment around them, heightening their fear of the unknown.
3. Hallucinations and Illusions: The characters might experience hallucinations or illusions triggered by their fear and stress. These illusions could distort their perceptions, leading them to question their own sanity and the reality of their situation.
4. Dread and Tension: The buildup of tension through eerie sounds, glimpses of shadowy figures, and the feeling of being watched can evoke a constant sense of dread. The audience anticipates something terrifying without knowing exactly what it is.
5. Emotional Strain: The situation tests the characters’ emotional stability, causing them to question each other’s intentions, sanity, and even their love. This emotional strain adds layers of complexity to their journey.
6. Unresolved Mystery: The diary and symbols in the cabin introduce an element of mystery that the characters need to unravel. Unanswered questions and a sense of the unknown contribute to the psychological horror.
7. Internal Conflicts: The characters’ internal conflicts—facing their own fears, guilts, and doubts—can be as terrifying as the external threats they encounter.
8. Lack of Control: The characters’ inability to control their environment or predict what will happen next amplifies their vulnerability and fear.
Further looking ahead at my developing script, since it will largely be a psychic thriller, I made a list of sounds that can help set the mood:
1. Whispers and Murmurs: Hearing hushed, unintelligible whispers just out of earshot can be incredibly unsettling. It suggests the presence of unseen entities or hidden intentions.
2. Footsteps and Rustling: The sound of footsteps approaching, receding, or rustling in the underbrush can evoke the fear of being pursued or watched.
3. Distant Screams: Distant screams that carry on the wind can create an air of helplessness and suggest that there might be others in danger.
4. Breathing or Hissing: Faint breathing or hissing sounds can evoke a feeling of being near something unseen and potentially dangerous.
5. Creaks and Groans: Unexplained creaking and groaning sounds, as if coming from the surroundings, can make the environment feel alive and unpredictable.
6. Eerie Music or Melodies: Haunting or discordant melodies can manipulate emotions and intensify the sense of dread, creating an eerie ambiance.
7. Heartbeat or Pulsing: A faint, irregular heartbeat or pulsing sound can amplify tension and anxiety, mimicking the characters’ racing hearts.
8. Scratching or Clawing: The sound of scratching, scraping, or clawing against surfaces can suggest the presence of something trying to get in or out.
9. Chains or Dragging: The metallic clinking of chains or the dragging of heavy objects can evoke images of captivity or an ominous force.
10. Animal Calls: Sounds of animals in distress, such as frantic howling, growling, or distressed animal cries, can trigger a primal fear response.
11. Unexplained Echoes: Voices, laughter, or other sounds echoing in the distance can create confusion and an eerie sense of the unknown.
12. Sudden Silence: An abrupt cessation of all sounds can be as terrifying as loud noises, as it heightens the sense of anticipation and vulnerability.
13. Guttural Growls: Deep, guttural growls can evoke the fear of predatory animals or otherworldly creatures lurking nearby.
14. Static or Interference: Hearing static, interference, or distorted voices on communication devices can add a technological layer of unease.
15. Childlike Laughter: Hearing eerie, childlike laughter in unsettling contexts can trigger a fear of the supernatural or the uncanny
THRILLER MAP/SYNOPSIS
TITLE:
MAD, MAD, MEGABYTE
LOGLINE:
Two former graduate school classmates marry, but, on their honeymoon, they are tested by the brutal, psychological revenge of a rejected suitor who still wants to win — or to destroy them.
ACT 1
01. EXT. BISTRO – DAY
ISABELLA (BELLA) LAKE, (32), is a beautiful, classy, woman in the prime of her life. She is an established artist – owns her own business.
Isabella drives her sassy little sports car up in front of the bistro and parks it, just in time to see —
SILAS LOCKE, (34), a scientific equipment salesman and representative for Samuelson Scientific.
Silas does the same with his service truck.
Isabella and Silas meet outside the bistro, and they exchange surprised greetings.
Even though they’ve already met each other, incidentally, Isabella fearfully talks Silas into a deception – that they pretend not to know each other.
Silas laughs – agrees – enters the bistro alone.
Isabella waits outside.
02. INT. BISTRO – DAY
RYAN (ROCKY) STONE, (32), is a paleontologist/geologist at the university.
Ryan greets Silas and assures him that his bride-to-be, Isabella, will be along shortly.
Isabella enters, and Ryan introduces her to Silas, and he explains that Silas is there to make them a once-in-a-lifetime offer.
On behalf of his company, Silas describes a wilderness honeymoon getaway to a privately owned Shangri-La, simply referred to as The Valley.
Silas slips up, and Ryan catches that Silas and Isabella already know each other.
Isabella falls apart, but Silas does a masterful save.
Ryan and Isabella agree to the generous offer.
03. EXT. UNIVERSITY ROSE GARDEN – DAY
Ryan and Isabella conclude the marriage ceremony with a kiss as a male guest at the edge of the garden leaves unnoticed.
Ryan and Isabella leave in a car driven by Silas.
04. EXT./INT. HELICOPTER – DAY
In a private quarter of the airport, the threesome, now in outdoor clothing, enter a helicopter and prepare to lift off.
The helicopter will not start.
Once again, Isabella partially unravels.
And once again, Silas proves his worth. He fixes the problem, assuring Bella that he was a helicopter pilot in the army.
05. INT. HELICOPTER – DAY
Silas pilots the helicopter to a very remote wilderness meadow and sets down. It’s a long flight.
06. EXT. MEADOW – DAY
Silas escorts Ryan and Isabella to a trailhead and wishes them well.
07. EXT. TRAIL – DAY
Ryan and Isabella make the relatively short climb up to a lake that is the immediate headwaters for a waterfall and river into The Valley.
They encounter a snake in the trail, and Isabella cowers, screaming.
Ryan laughs and relocates the snake, and they continue.
08. EXT. THE LAKE OF LOST SOULS – DAY
Ryan and Isabella arrive at the lake and Isabella feigns dizziness as they view The Valley, far below.
It is as beautiful as Silas described it, and Isabella agrees to proceed on down the trail into The Valley.
09. EXT. DESCENDING TRAIL – DAY
Near the bottom, the trail winds through sheer granite walls, and Isabella complains of claustrophobia.
The trail finally opens into The Valley.
10. EXT. GATE – DAY
A gate appears across the trail, and beside it, a small cabin.
A quirky GATEKEEPER exits his cabin and demands to see their passes – lets them through.
11. EXT. THE VALLEY – DAY
Ryan pauses to look back – comments on the oddness of a gatekeeper in a place like this.
Ryan and Isabella continue to make their way to the cabin – make stops along the way to absorb the beauty and freshness of the place.
12. EXT. BRANCH TRAIL – DAY
It’s getting late, and a ground fog is beginning to form.
Isabella shrieks. She sees a tiger chasing after a deer.
Ryan is getting concerned about Bella’s fearful imagination.
Ryan catches a glimpse of an extinct Venezuelan dinosaur with the scientific name Carnotaurus.
He explains to Isabella that the name means carnivorous bull. It was an extremely dangerous dinosaur, in its day.
Ryan is dismayed by his assumed imagination and suggests they quit exploring and get to the cabin.
Isabella assures Ryan, that she saw it, too. Ryan is even more confused.
13. EXT. CABIN – DAY
Ryan and Isabella arrive at the cabin, obviously made to look old and quaint, but curiously modern in construction.
14. INT. CABIN – DAY
The inside of the cabin continues to raise their curiosity and, for Isabella, fear.
Everything is covered in cryptic symbols – a diary rests on a side table, next to an odd but comfortable chair.
Isabella reads the diary.
Ryan fixes dinner.
Over dinner, Ryan expresses his growing discomfort – he feels eyes on the back of his neck. However, he reassures Isabella that he’s okay.
They agree to leave in the morning. The experience is becoming nothing like Silas described. Isabella is fearful, and Ryan is concerned.
ACT 2
15. INT. CABIN – NIGHT
Late into the night, Isabella is awakened to the sounds of children playing, outside – she awakes Ryan.
Together, they listen to the cabin’s creaks and groans. Ryan thinks it shouldn’t be this way.
The sounds of the children return – but they become crying sounds.
Ryan tries to reassure Isabella by telling her his experience with a wilderness hallucination – a very real thing and common.
Sounds continue through the night: wild animal calls, whispers, laughs, et cetra.
16. INT. CABIN – DAY
Tired from lack of sleep, Ryan fixes breakfast as Isabella packs up to leave – they remain mostly silent.
17. EXT. GATE – DAY
Ryan and Isabella make their way back to the gate, but it’s gone – in fact, everything is gone, including the gatekeeper’s cabin.
A sign stands in the middle of the path – DANGER, DO NOT ENTER.
Frustrated, Isabella cries – tries to run through the gateway.
Isabella is violently zapped and thrown back. She experiences a seizure.
Terrified, Ryan carries her/helps her – back to the cabin.
18. INT. CABIN – DAY
Ryan expresses his understanding that this is definitely not funny anymore.
There is no other way out of The Valley. At the far end, the river goes underground as there’s nowhere else for it to go.
They elect to sleep most of the rest of the day away and try to recover.
The day is peaceful. On and off, Isabella reads the diary. There is no ending to it – it just stops. That frightens her.
Ryan struggles to make sense of their situation – blames Silas – mistrusts Isabella, and confronts her about Silas.
19. EXT. THE VALLEY – DAY
In the late afternoon, Ryan and Isabella go for an exploratory walk – return to the gateway. Ryan tests the gateway with a stick. It’s zapped.
Everything else seems normal – until the waterfall produces a violent wind, and the face of a demon appears in the mist and threatens them.
The demon announces himself as POHONO – a Miwok/Ahwahneeche evil spirit. Ryan understands the threat to be directed at him.
Who would even know that he knows about Miwok culture?
Reluctantly, they return to the cabin.
ACT 3
20. INT. CABIN – NIGHT
Ryan again fixes dinner, and the two try to reassure each other and brace against the night.
Wild animal sounds – they quit.
The night becomes painfully quiet. They try to sleep – toss.
Near midnight, the sounds return, louder and more determined than before: a woman screams – cries – the front door opens and slams shut —
The sound of a chain drags across the cabin floor – stops.
A glowing, solid, figure of a woman appears at the bedroom door – announces herself as —
JOHANNA LAKE, (deceased), Isabella’s mother.
Isabella faints in terror.
Johanna reveals that in life, she was in a mental hospital, and Isabella was ashamed of her.
Ryan is gobsmacked. He does not believe in ghosts, so what is this woman? He plays along with Johanna
Johanna continues to speak as, momentarily, Isabella recovers.
Ryan confronts Isabella – wants to know what else she is withholding from him.
Curiously, Johanna responds to Ryan in the moment, and Ryan becomes aware that someone must be watching them.
Shattered, Isabella wails out the blackmail attempt by their, years prior, university peer —
MAXIMUS (MEGABYTE) BLACKWOOD, (36), became an electronics genius.
Maximus’ fixation on Isabella unravels, as Johanna argues with her and the arguments begin to focus on Maximus, not Johanna.
Ryan understands. Johanna is Maximus’ alter ego, and she is somehow being projected as real. A holographic image?
21. INT. CABIN – DAY
Dawn begins to light the sky.
Johanna vanishes.
22. EXT. CABIN – DAY
Followed by Isabella, Ryan gathers tender-dry wood and pine needles.
He whispers – warns Isabella to stay silent. She is in a mood to listen.
23. INT./EXT. CABIN – DAY
To Isabella’s astonishment, Ryan sets the wood ablaze, inside the cabin. Isabella cannot move – she cannot speak – she freezes in disbelief.
The cabin goes up in flames, and Ryan pulls Isabella outside.
24. EXT. CABIN – DAY
Ryan and Isabella watch the cabin burn.
As the plethora of electronic equipment is exposed, Isabella is both shocked and disgusted – proud of Ryan – clings to him.
Their revenge is short-lived. The Valley’s ring of trees is also now ablaze, and there is still no way out.
Or is there?
ACT 4
25. EXT. COULOIR – DAY
Ryan leads Isabella away from the fire, to near the base of a steep, nearly hidden couloir, and there, he explains his plan.
It’s a dangerous plan – all or nothing. Ryan gives Isabella a choice. She either trusts him implicitly, or she lets Maximus win.
Isabella, facing mental exhaustion, sides with Ryan.
Ryan is no climbing expert, but he’s also not a novice, and Isabella quickly matches her pace to his, following every move – not looking back.
They reach the ridge, skinned up, cut, and bleeding.
26. EXT. RIDGE – DAY
Beyond the ridge, it levels out, and they work their way through a narrow boulder field, to the lake.
The Valley is engulfed in flames, by now, sending smoke plumes, into the air.
Wildfire tankers begin to drop their payloads on the fire, below.
27. EXT. THE LAKE OF LOST SOULS – DAY
JACK SAMUELSON, (33), is the owner of Samuelson Scientific.
Ryan and Isabella reach the lake just as Silas and Jack come racing up the trail from the meadow, yelling apologies.
The honeymoon offer, it turns out, did not come directly from Jack or Silas. Samuelson Scientific is a subsidiary company of Blackwood Electronics.
Jack relates how Maximus suggested the honeymoon and told Jack to take the credit – that he was an old friend and wanted to remain anonymous.
Alerted by the news of the fire, and worried about Ryan and Isabella, they alerted the firefighters about Ryan and Isabella and rushed to The Valley.
Ryan and Isabella relate their nightmare to Jack and Silas, who continue to apologize in disbelief for the way they have been used by Maximus.
Maximus appears in his bright red helicopter and attempts to land it in this dangerous setting.
Maximus’ helicopter crashes into the rocks, but he still manages to escape, yelling obscenities for his losses.
He threatens to kill everyone and follows his threats with automatic gunfire — until the helicopter explodes and kills him with shrapnel.
28. EXT. THE MEADOW – DAY
Having returned to the meadow, the foursome climb into the waiting helicopter.
Tanker planes continue to fly overhead.
Jack notifies the authorities of Maximus’ body, by the lake.
Silas lifts off.
29. INT. HELICOPTER – DAY
Isabella takes Ryan’s hand – hugs it – apologies – vows to never doubt his love for her, again.
Ryan vows to just let the past take care of itself – holds her tight – he’s relieved and happy.
THE END
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Brenda Clarke NEW THRILLER MAP, I AM READY TO EXCHANGE
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This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Brenda Clarke.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Brenda Clarke.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Brenda Clarke.
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Hi Brenda
I’m a little late in finishing my map, would you be willing to exchange feedback with me?
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This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by
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I am ready to exchange feedback with someone. Looking for a partner.
Thanks,
Gisele
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Hi Gisele,
happy to exchange with you once I have received my notes back from Alfred. I will then have to make the edits and then exchange with you.
If that’s OK with you?
My email is ozmaidprod@bigpond.com
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That would be great. Let me know when you are ready. Looking forward to it!
Gisele
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Gisele, contact me at alfreddunham@aol.com. I sent you a note, but mailerdeamon wold not post it. It does not recognize World…….. I’ve already gone half way through your script. Fascinating writing!
Alfred
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Alfred – –
That would be fantastic. I will send it to you now. Looking forward to seeing yours. Thank you so very much!
Gisele
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Hi,
I haven’t received my feedback from Alfred yet.
Hal said do one exchange at a time.
We are meant to exchange the triller maps, then edit/update make changes on your own thriller map before exchanging with a second person.
Thanks,
Brenda
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Alfred is ready for feedback. Currently, I have partnered with Brenda Clark.
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I’m having trouble connecting with some of you. I can be contacted at:
Alfred Dunham
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Hello Group,
I’m still unraveling the mess I have! Not ready yet. Hopefully soon.
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Hello Diane,
I would like to exchange with you when you are ready.
I am about to do my second exchange, so it won’t be long.
my email is
I look forward to making contact with you.
kind regards,
Brenda 🙂
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Hello Brenda,
Great! Thanks so much I sent you an email. Please forward your thriller plot to me at PhelpsCostume@gmail.com.
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Hello Diane,
I didn’t receive your email. I have emailed my thriller map to you.
Perhaps return my email with your Thriller Map attached and I will get right to it.
Many thanks,
Brenda
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Hi Diane
Just finishing my Map, would you be willing to exchange feedback with me,
Thanks
Michael
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Will be happy to exchange feedback. Anyone available? blapierre1@comcast.net
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Hello Barbe,
I would like to exchange feedback with you also, Please send me your thriller plot in a .pdf PhelpsCostume@gmail.com.
thanks,
Diane
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Thanks Diane. I just sent you Version 2.
Barbe
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Thanks, I sent your feedback this morning. Love your story idea and concept. Those are perfect BBC mystery series. Can’t wait to see more. I’m moving forward and putting this outline into final draft. more and more scenes are coming to me and I feel like im going backwards regenerating this outline. But please let me know what you think. I know its a lot but that is what i have a super complicated story. Its like an iceberg, 10% above the surface and 90% below the surface. I’m working on getting the pieces together.
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Excellent feedback! Great observations! I will make the recommended changes and repost for Round 3.
Thanks,
Barbe
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THRILLER MAP/SYNOPSIS: VERSION 3
Putting together all the recommendations I’ve received; this is my revised Synopsis.
TITLE:
MAD, MAD, MEGABYTE
LOGLINE:
Two former graduate school classmates marry, but years later, on their honeymoon, they are tested by psychological revenge from a rejected, clandestine suitor who still demands a win — or he wll destroy them.
ACT 1
EXT. BISTRO – DAY
ISABELLA (BELLA) ARMATO, (32), is a smart, beautiful, classy, woman in the prime of her life. She is now an established artist and owns her own business.
Isabella drives her sassy sports car up in front of The Bistro and parks it, just in time to see —
SILAS LOCKE, (34), is a scientific equipment salesman and representative for Samuelson Scientific.
Silas does the same with his service truck.
Isabella and Silas meet outside The Bistro and exchange surprised greetings, each wondering what the other is doing there.
Even though they only initially met incidentally, at a Starbucks, Isabella hesitantly talks Silas into a deception – that they pretend to not know each other.
Silas laughs – agrees – enters the bistro alone.
Isabella waits outside.
INT. THE BISTRO – DAY
RYAN (ROCKY) STONE, Ph.D., (32), is now a paleontology teacher at the university.
Ryan greets Silas and assures him that his bride-to-be, Isabella will be along shortly.
Isabella enters, Ryan introduces her to Silas and explains that Silas is there to make them a once in a lifetime offer, on behalf of Samuelson Scientific.
On behalf of his company Silas describes a wilderness honeymoon getaway to a privately owned Shangri-La, simply referred to as The Valley.
Silas slips up, however, and Ryan catches that Silas and Isabella already know each other.
Isabella is angry, but Silas does a masterful save.
Ryan and Isabella both agree to the generous offer.
EXT. UNIVERSITY ROSE GARDEN – DAY
Ryan and Isabella conclude the marriage ceremony with a kiss as a male guest at the edge of the garden leaves unnoticed.
Ryan and Isabella leave in a car driven by Silas.
EXT./INT. HELICOPTER – DAY
In a private quarter of the airport, the threesome, now in outdoor clothing, enter a helicopter and prepare to lift off.
The helicopter will not start.
Once again, Isabella is upset – doesn’t know if she can trust Silas or not.
And once again, Silas proves his worth. He fixes the problem, assuring Bella that he was a helicopter pilot in the army.
INT. HELICOPTER – DAY
Silas expertly pilots the helicopter to a very remote wilderness meadow and sets down. It’s a long flight.
EXT. MEADOW – DAY
Silas escorts Ryan and Isabella to a trailhead and wishes them well returns to the helicopter. Ryan and Isabella are finely alone and make the most of it.
EXT. TRAIL – DAY
Ryan and Isabella make the relatively short climb up to a lake that is the immediate headwaters for a waterfall and river into The Valley.
They encounter a snake in the trail, and Isabella screams. She does not fancy snakes.
Ryan laughs and relocates the snake, and they continue.
EXT. THE LAKE OF LOST SOULS – DAY
Ryan and Isabella arrive at the lake and Isabella’s fear of heights become clear as they view The Valley, far below.
It is as beautiful as Silas described it, and Isabella agrees to proceed on down the trail into The Valley.
EXT. DESCENDING TRAIL – DAY
Near the bottom, the trail winds through sheer granite walls, and Isabella becomes claustrophobic. She is definitely not a wilderness person.
The trail finally opens into The Valley.
EXT. GATE – DAY
A gate appears across the trail, and beside it, a small cabin.
A quirky GATEKEEPER with a long beard exits his tiny cabin and demands to see their passes – lets them through.
EXT. THE VALLEY – DAY
Ryan pauses to look back – comments on the oddness of a gatekeeper in a place like this.
Ryan and Isabella continue to make their way to the cabin – make stops along the way to absorb the beauty and freshness of the place. Both Isabella’s and Ryan’s moods change into wonderment.
EXT. BRANCH TRAIL – DAY
It’s getting late, and a ground fog is beginning to form.
Isabella shrieks. She sees a tiger chasing after a deer, but Ryan misses it.
Ryan is getting concerned about Bella’s fearful imagination.
Ryan catches a glimpse of an extinct Venezuelan dinosaur with the scientific name, Carnotaurus.
He explains to Isabella that the name means carnivorous bull. It was an extremely dangerous dinosaur, in its day.
Ryan is now dismayed by his own crazy imagination and suggests they quit exploring and get to the cabin.
Isabella assures Ryan, she saw it, too. Ryan is even more confused.
EXT. CABIN – DAY
Ryan and Isabella arrive at the cabin, obviously made to look old and quaint, but curiously modern in construction.
INT. CABIN – DAY
The inside of the cabin continues to raise their curiosity and, for Isabella, fear.
Everything is covered in cryptic symbols – a diary rests on a side table, next to an odd but comfortable chair.
Isabella reads the diary.
Ryan fixes dinner on an old kerosene stove. There is no electricity. Isabella lights a kerosene lamp.
Over dinner, Ryan expresses his growing discomfort – he says he feels eyes on the back of his neck, but he reassures Isabella that he is okay. She reassures Ryan that she, too, is okay
They agree to leave in the morning. The experience is becoming nothing like Silas described, and both are concerned.
They retire for the night.
ACT 2
INT. CABIN – NIGHT
Late into the night, Isabella is awakened to the sounds of children playing, outside – she awakes Ryan.
Together, they listen to the cabin’s creaks and groans, and Ryan thinks it shouldn’t be this way.
The sounds of the children return – but they become crying sounds.
Ryan tries to reassure Isabella by telling her a story of his own experience with a wilderness hallucination – a very real thing and common.
Sounds continue through the night: wild animal calls, whispers, laughs, et cetra.
INT. CABIN – DAY
Tired from lack of sleep, Ryan fixes breakfast as Isabella packs up to leave – they remain mostly silent.
EXT. GATE – DAY
Ryan and Isabella make their way back to the gate, but it’s gone – in fact, everything is gone, including the gatekeeper’s cabin.
A sign stands in the middle of the path – DANGER, DO NOT ENTER.
Frustrated, Isabella cries, tries to run through the gateway.
Isabella is violently zapped and thrown back. She experiences a seizure.
Terrified, Ryan carries her/helps her – back to the cabin.
INT. CABIN – DAY
Ryan expresses his understanding that this is definitely not fun anymore.
There is no other way out of The Valley. At the far end, the river goes underground as there’s nowhere else for it to go.
They elect to sleep most of the rest of the day away and try to recover.
The day is peaceful. On and off, Isabella reads the diary. There is no ending to it – it just stops. That frightens her.
Ryan struggles to make sense of their situation – blames Silas – mistrusts Isabella and confronts her about Silas. Ryan now also questions Mr. Samuelson. He was, after all, the one who sent Silas to them.
EXT. THE VALLEY – DAY
In the late afternoon Ryan and Isabella go for an exploratory walk – return to the gateway. Ryan tests the gateway with a stick. It’s zapped.
Everything else seems normal – until the waterfall produces a violent wind and the face of a nondescript demon who threatens them, appears – fades away.
The demon announces himself as POHONO – a Miwok evil spirit. Ryan now understands the threat as directed at him.
Who would know that he knows about Miwok culture?
Reluctantly, they return to the cabin.
ACT 3
INT. CABIN – NIGHT
Ryan again fixes dinner, and the two try to reassure each other and brace against the night.
The night is painfully quiet. They try to sleep – toss.
Near midnight, the sounds return. Louder and more determined than before, a woman screams – cries – the front door opens and slams shut —
The sound of a chain drags across the cabin floor – stops.
A glowing, apparently solid, woman appears in the bedroom doorway.
JOHANNA ARMATO, (is deceased).
Isabella faints in terror.
Johanna reveals that in life she was in a mental hospital and Isabella was ashamed of her.
Ryan is speechless. He does not believe in ghosts, so what is this woman? He plays along with Johanna.
Johanna continues to speak as, momentarily, Isabella recovers.
Ryan confronts Isabella – wants to know what else she is withholding from him.
Curiously, Johanna responds to Ryan in the moment, and Ryan becomes aware that someone must be watching them.
Shattered, Isabella wails out the blackmail attempt by their university peer —
MAXIMUS (MEGABYTE) GRIMM, (36), electronics genius, former covert suitor, thug, and blackmailer who threated to expose the mental illness in Isabella’s family if she married Ryan.
Isabella had dared to hope that with her mother now deceased, Maximus will have forgotten.
Maximus’ obsessive fixation on Isabella, however, unravels, as he, through the image of Johanna Armato, argues with her and the arguments begin to focus more on Maximus than Johanna.
Ryan finally understands. Johanna’s likeness is Maximus’ alter ego, and she is somehow being projected as real, voice and all. A holographic image?
INT. CABIN – DAY
Dawn begins to light the sky.
Johanna vanishes.
EXT. CABIN – DAY
Followed by Isabella, Ryan gathers tender dry wood and pine needles.
He whispers – warns Isabella to stay silent. She is in a mood to listen.
INT./EXT. CABIN – DAY
To Isabella’s astonishment, Ryan carries the wood inside and sets the wood ablaze. Isabella cannot move – she cannot speak – she freezes in disbelief and disgust. She gets it, too.
The cabin goes up is flames, and Ryan pulls Isabella outside.
EXT. CABIN – DAY
Ryan and Isabella watch the cabin burn.
As the plethora of electronic equipment is exposed, Isabella is both shocked and more disgusted than ever – proud of Ryan – clings to him.
Their revenge is short-lived. The Valley’s ring of trees is also now ablaze and there is still no way out.
Or is there?
ACT 4
EXT. COULOIR – DAY
Ryan leads Isabella away from the fire, and near the base of a steep, nearly hidden couloir, he explains his plan.
It’s a dangerous plan – all or nothing. Ryan gives Isabella a choice. She either trusts him implicitly or she lets Maximus win.
Isabella, facing mental exhaustion from two sleepless nights, sides with Ryan. They are still in love, after all.
Ryan is no climbing expert, but he’s also not a novice, and Isabella quickly matches her pace to his, following every move.
They reach the ridge, skinned up, cut, and bleeding.
EXT. RIDGE – DAY
Beyond the ridge it levels out, and they work their way through a narrow boulder field, to the lake.
The Valley is engulfed in flames, by now, sending smoke plumes, into the air.
Wildfire tankers drop their payloads on the fire, below.
EXT. THE LAKE OF LOST SOULS – DAY
JACK SAMUELSON, (33), is the owner of Samuelson Scientific.
Ryan and Isabella reach the lake just as Silas and Jack come racing up the trail from the meadow, yelling apologies, worried sick about what Maximus has done to all of them.
The honeymoon offer, it turns out, did not come directly from Jack or Silas. Samuelson Scientific is a subsidiary company of Grimm Electronics.
Jack relates how Maximus suggested the honeymoon and told him to take the credit – that he was an old friend and wanted to remain anonymous. Jack states that he did not expect anything like this.
Alerted by the news of the fire and by a very angry Maximus, and worried about Ryan and Isabella, they had alerted the fire fighters about Ryan and Isabella and rushed to the The Valley.
Ryan and Isabella relate their nightmare to Jack and Silas who continue to apologize in disbelief for the way they have been all been used by Maximus.
Maximus arrives in his bright red helicopter and show-off that he is, attempts to land it in this dangerous setting. Not good.
Maximus’ helicopter crashes into the rocks, but he still manages to escape, yelling obscenities for his growing losses.
He threatens to kill everyone and follows his threats with automatic gunfire — until the helicopter explodes and kills him with shrapnel.
EXT. THE MEADOW – DAY
The foursome, return to the meadow where Silas left Isabella and Ryan, before, and climb into the waiting helicopter.
Tanker planes continue to fly overhead.
Jack notifies the authorities of Maximus’ body, by the lake.
Silas lifts off.
INT. HELICOPTER – DAY
Isabella takes Ryan’s hand – hugs it – apologies – vows to never doubt the strength of his love for her, again.
Ryan vows to just let the past take care of itself – holds her tight – he’s relived and happy.
Solemnly — Ryan: I love you Bella, but we still have a lot to learn about each other, don’t we?
THE END
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Gisele Frazeur’s Thriller Map Number 2
What I learned doing this assignment is: The previous assignments are paying off now.
On The Scent
ACT 1
#1 INT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT
A man sporting a sack over his head is strapped to a table. Two henchmen remove his shoe & cut his pinkie toe off. Man on table writhes & screams in agony.
#2 EXT. GHETTO – NIGHT
REVEREND (LEFF-T) CARBAJAL, (30’s), is a striking man who walks with a cane & a limp. He sports a clerical collar. Leff-T hands a weighty envelope of cash to a sketchy looking dude & instructs him to: “Get it done. Now!”
#3 INT. BEDROOM, DARIN’S HOUSE – DAY
Renowned & regal perfumer DARIN AUGUST (30’s) and her pregnant, ivory soap sister, LIVIE SANFORD (30’s) get dolled up for the perfume industry’s Essence Awards . Darin receives a prank phone call. Makes light of it. Livie expresses concern. Livie’s dog, a Springer Spaniel, POOKIE, goes berserk when Darin applies her violet perfume, FANTOME.
#4 EXT. PERFORMING ARTS VENUE – NIGHT
Darin and Livie fight their way through a sea of protesters towards the entrance when stopped by paparazzi – – inquiring of Darin as to how it feels having Leff-T’s followers picketing & boycotting her products. She makes no comment.
#5 INT. KITCHENETTE, PERFORMING ARTS VENUE – NIGHT
Gloved hands insert a shriveled human toe into a meatball, then place it on a plate with other meatballs. A fringed toothpick is placed in toe-laced meatball. Plate handed to a waiter who exits kitchen with it.
#6 INT. LOBBY, PERFORMING ARTS VENUE – NIGHT
Plate with toe-laced meatball handed off to Livie as Darin and Livie circulate at the reception. Livie sneezes, deposits appetizer on adjoining table & rummages through her purse for a tissue. A neighboring patron picks up her plate and pops toe-laced meatball into their mouth – – commences chocking. Darin ends up performing an emergency tracheostomy on him and saving his life.
#7. INT. STAGE, PERFORMING ARTS VENUE – NIGHT
Master of ceremonies, a Mr. Potato Head-esque JACOPO TRUFFIO, (50’s) introduces Darin to the audience as the guest speaker. In the wings, Darin gets a threatening text. She powers down her phone, pops it into her purse, proceeds to the stage and gives a rousing speech. Audience springs to their feet in a standing ovation. Someone rushes the stage with something protruding from their pocket. Darin’s knees give out from fear. Jacopo catches her. Security intervenes. Turns out to be a crazy fan wanting an autograph – – with merely a pen in their pocket.
#8 INT. LOBBY, PERFORMING ARTS VENUE – NIGHT
Police inform Darin and Livie that camera footage reveals that they may have been the target of the tainted appetizer. They request Darin come to the station the next day. They escort them to their limo.
#9 INT. LIMO – NIGHT
Girls discuss the evening. Livie informs Darin that her baby is going to be named after Darin. Darin gets another prank phone call. She promises an insistent Livie that she will tell the police about the new threats she has been receiving the following day.
INCITING INCIDENT. LIVIE IS SHOT.
#10 EXT. DARIN’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Livie opens front door of house to let Pookie out to pee while Darin pays limo driver in driveway. Limo driver knocks Darin out. Armed assailant bolts from house & shoots Livie, gets in limo which speeds off.
#11 INT. WAITING ROOM, HOSPITAL – NIGHT
DR. BINGHAMTON, (60’s), informs DETECTIVE SANDOVAL, (40’s), (Pookie in tow) that Livie is dead. Detective implores doctor to keep silent about Livie’s death while he questions Darin – – fearing he won’t be able to glean useful information from her once she learns of her sister’s death. Doctor begrudgingly agrees.
TURNING POINT 1: DARIN LEARNS OF LIVIE’S DEATH.
#12 INT. CUBICLE, HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM – NIGHT
Detective grills Darin about recent threats and evening’s events. Darin becomes increasingly agitated wanting to know Livie’s status. Narcotics Officer Hank Sanford, Livie’s husband, bursts into the neighboring cubicle demanding to see his deceased wife. Darin learns of Livie’s death. Darin & Hank collapse onto the floor in each other’s arms, sobbing. Pookie licks at their tears.
ACT 2 – HUNT FOR THE KILLER.
#13 EXT. CHURCH – DAY
Paparazzi mob Darin & Hank outside the church – – inform Darin they have a copy of her sealed juvie record – – ask her why she killed her stepfather and did she kill Livie. Hank safely escorts her inside.
#14 INT. CHURCH – DAY
Darin’s Stepford wife mother, LEIGHTON HOWARD, (60’s), speaks at Livie’s funeral. When Leighton breaks down, Darin rushes to her to offer emotional support. Leighton slaps Darin.
#15 INT. ANTEROOM, CHURCH – DAY
There is a showdown between Darin and Leighton. Leighton accuses Darin of having killed Livie and storms off. Hank offers Darin a drink from a flask. She turns it down – – referring to her alcoholism. Paparazzi storm the church taking more photos of her. She takes a swig from Hank’s flask. They exit.
#16 INT. DEN, HANK & LIVIE’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Pookie acts up when Darin freshens up with her violet perfume. Hank & Darin reminisce and drink heavily. Hank tells Darin about Leff-T having done time in prison for murder in his youth. They fall asleep on the couch in each other’s arms.
#17 INT. DEN, HANK & LIVIE’S HOUSE – DAY
Darin’s phone awakens her to a prank phone call. Hank gets them coffee and puts whisky in it. He tells Darin he wants her to keep Pookie for protection. He produces a gun which he insists she take for protection. He leaves for work and makes her promise to go to the police regarding ongoing calls. She promises to go after checking in with her boss who has summoned her to his office.
#18 INT. DAVE ROESCH’S OFFICE, INDEPENDENT HOUSE OF BON FIL – DAY
Darin & Pookie go to her office. Darin’s boss, Ken doll wannanbe DAVE ROESCH, (40’S), produces anonymous photos he was sent of Darin drinking. He asks about her mental health. Tells her that shooting her mouth off to the press about Leff-T & drinking again is bad for business. Informs her he is placing her on leave till things settle down.
#19 INT. INTERROGATION ROOM, POLICE STATION – DAY
Darin (Pookie in tow) signs a statement. Inquires as to status of investigation on Livie. Police are tight- lipped. Darin leaves devastated and fuming. Drinks from flask as she leaves the building.
#20 INT. CAR, PARKING LOT – DAY
Darin puts Pookie puts in the car. Darin has the gun Hank gave her. Darin has a complete breakdown. She drinks heavily. Vows to get the truth out of Leff-T. Puts the car in gear and takes off for his house.
#21 INT. SURVEILLANCE ROOM, LEFF-T’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Beefcake security guard, MYRON, (20’s), sees Darin shooting at the front gate on the monitors. He alerts Leff-T. T says, “I’ll take care of it!” Leff-T leaves house with his mastiffs to handle Darin situation.
#22 EXT. SIDEWALK, IN FRONT OF LEFF-T’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Leff-T finds Darin passed out on the sidewalk in front of his gated house. Pookie sits beside her. Cop comes by saying there was a noise complaint. Leff-T covers up the truth by saying they were just shooting one of his Christian music videos. Leff-T bribes still suspicious officer to leave it alone with VIP basketball tickets. Officer reluctantly leaves. Leff-T carries Darin inside the house. He puts her to bed. He gives Pookie a toy and sleeps in a nearby chair.
TURNING POINT 2: LEFF-T IS CLEARED BY POLICE AS A SUSPECT IN LIVIE’S MURDER.
#23 INT. LIVING ROOM, DARIN’S HOUSE – DAY
Darin awakens with a start on her couch. There is a cup of steaming hot coffee on the table next to her. She finds a note from Leff-T. He has left toys for Pookie. Her gun, clip, and loose bullets are also on the table. In the note he tells her to turn on the news at 11:00 AM. She watches the news. Police clear him as a suspect. He publicly apologizes for mobilizing his parishioners to boycott her. Asks his followers to stand down. Hanks calls. Tells her it is not true.
ACT 3 – HUNT FOR A NEW KILLER.
#24 INT. DARIN’S HOUSE – DAY
Darin gets s delivery of sympathy flowers – – violets – – her favorite. Pookie goes wild, attacks them.
#25 INT. HANK’S POLICE CRUISER – DAY
Hank enters his car to find a sharklike RAMON RUIZ, (40’s), waiting for him. Hank accuses Ramon of having killed Livie. Ramon takes credit for the toe in the meatball as a warning to keep Hank in line. He says a gang killed Livie and set up Leff-T for it. Says it was retribution for Leff-T helping a high-ranking veteran disengage. Orders Hank to continue mining Darin for scientific info to make dogs fail at drug busts or they will both die. Drives Hank to a seedy motel, gives him some cocaine and instructs him to go in and enjoy the hooker waiting for him. A sobbing Hank snorts the cocaine, exits the car with his tail between his legs, and walks the death march to the hotel.
#25 INT. VETERINARY OFFICE – DAY
Darin has taken Pookie to the vet to inquire about her increasing agitation. Hank told Darin he had to retire Pookie because of a medical condition. Vet says this is not true. Pookie is in perfect health.
#26 INT. LIVING ROOM, DARIN’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Hank comes over with booze. Darin tells him of vet visit. He says she went to wrong vet. He plies her with alcohol. They reminisce. He seduces her. He tries to get useful scientific info from her to no avail.
#27 INT. LIVING ROOM, DARIN’S HOUSE – DAY
Upon awakening Darin is ashamed. She confronts Hank. They have a blowout. He leaves, angry. She puts on Livie’s sweater for comfort. She finds a business card for a divorce lawyer in the pocket.
#28 EXT. DOG PARK – DAY
Darin meets DHARMA, (40’S), her sponsor from AA. Pookie attacks violets growing in park. Dharma works with dogs and volunteers to try and figure out what is frustrating Pookie. She convinces Darin to go to a meeting.
#29 INT. CHURCH ANNEX – NIGHT
Darin attends AA meeting. Leff-T is there. He makes amends after the meeting. He explains he wanted the perfume commission to channel funds to his foundation that aids gang members with disengaging from the life. It is a tribute to his brother he lost to a gang – – in his youth. Leff-T killed someone in self-defense trying to extricate his brother. Did jail time for it. Tells her this is why he maintains ties within the community. Say’s word within the community is that Hank is a dirty cop. Tells her to watch her back. They exchange phone numbers.
#30 INT. BEDROOM, DARIN’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Darin calls Hank. She asks about the card for the divorce attorney. Hank says Livie had been having an affair. Darin doesn’t believe him. She researches Leff-T on the computer. Finds everything Leff-T told her about himself is true. She calls Leff-T. Tells him things about Hank that don’t sit right with her.
#31 INT, LEFF-T’S CAR – NIGHT
Leff-T is sitting in his car smoking, talking on the phone with Darin. He is up the street from her house, watching it intently.
#32 INT. DARIN’S PERFRUME LAB – DAY
Dharma meets Darin at her perfume laboratory. They introduce Pookie to different scents to see if they can make sense of what is agitating her and what it might have to do with Hank. Chemicals present in violets set Pookie off. Darin tells Dharma that the ionones present in violets temporarily arrest one’s sense of smell. Pookie is spent. They agree to keep researching what it could mean and meet again.
#33 INT. HANK’S CAR – NIGHT
Hank receives a text from Ramon demanding a meet.
#34 INT. METAL OUTBUILDING – NIGHT
Hank meets Ramon at a cockfight. Ramon Informs Hank that Darin, Leff-T, and Dharma have been snooping around. Tells Hank to keep her under control or they die. Tells him to extract more chemical secrets from her that throw off scenting dogs – – as a big shipment is about to be smuggled – -or they die. Leff-T is there in disguise and witnesses the meet.
#35 INT. FRONT DESK, ANIMAL SHELTER – DAY
Dharma calls Darin. Says she spoke with a trainer friend who offered up a useful theory. Says she also spoke to one of Hank’s colleagues. They are willing to share footage of Pookie’s suspicious, failed drug busts. They agree to meet.
TURNING POINT 3: DHARMA IS OVERDOSED.
#36 INT. BOOTH, RESTAURANT – DAY
While waiting for Darin – – Dharma passes out & convulses after drinking iced tea. Ambulance is called.
#37 EXT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Darin arrives to see Dharma being wheeled away in a stretcher toward the ambulance. Darin lies and says she is Dharma’s sister so she can ride with Dharma in the ambulance to hospital. Darin takes possession of Dharma’s belongings.
#38 INT. WAITING ROOM, HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Leff-T arrives. Darin says Dharma was overdosed. Leff-T tells her about cockfight he attended where Hank met with known drug lord, Ramon Ruiz. They decide to go to Darin’s lab and go through Dharma’s stuff and search for clues as to what Dharma was going to tell Darin.
#39 INT. DARIN’S LAB – NIGHT
Darin and Leff-T find notes about deer estrus in Dharma’s notebook. They phone a contact left in the notes. Discover this substance can be used to distract dogs at drug busts. They don’t know what it means. They also find the number of a narcotics officer who is a colleague of Hank. They phone him. His girlfriend says he has been killed. They decide to get some sleep, reconvene, and go to police.
#40 INT. BATHROOM, DARIN’S HOUSE – LATER
Darin has been throwing up. She takes a pregnancy test. It is positive.
ACT 4: DARIN FIGURES IT OUT. HANK TAKES THE BAIT.
#41 INT. BEDROOM, DARIN’S HOUSE – DAY
Darin has a series of dreams / flashbacks. Hank asking about ionones and dogs. Hank sleeping in his socks. Officer Mott saying there was a toe in the meatball. Upon awakening she calls Leff-T. She leaves a message for Leff-T saying she thinks she has figured it out. She needs to test her theory. Then they can go to police.
#42 INT. DARIN’S PERFUME LAB – DAY
Darin empties a bottle of civetone and replaces it with ambergris. She intentionally does not set her alarm when she leaves her lab.
#43 INT. CONVENIENCE STORE – DAY
Darin buys iced tea and whisky. She goes to restroom and empties out whisky bottle and fills it with iced tea. Leaves a message for Hank, says she misses him and is coming over.
#44 INT. LIVING ROOM, HANK’S HOUSE – DAY
Hank calls Ramon to report he will have another means of throwing off dogs soon. Says Darin is under control. No need to worry.
#45 INT. LIVING ROOM, HANK’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Darin arrives at Hanks house – – all sweetness and light and apologies. Darin gets Hank drunk. Pretends to be drunk but is actually drinking iced tea from bottle she brought with her. She leaks information to Hank about her new fragrance using civetone – – which makes animals go crazy. She waits for Hank to go to sleep. Sneaks into his bathroom. Rummages through his hamper. Finds innumerable bloody socks. Sneaks out of his house- – accidentally leaving whisky bottle full of tea behind. Hank awakens. Goes to bathroom to find her gone. Finds pilfered hamper, socks, and fake whisky. Knows he is found out.
#46 INT. DARIN’S PERFUME LAB – DAY
Hank breaks into Darin’s lab and steals the bottle she planted labeled civetone.
#47 INT. DARIN’S CAR – DAY
Darin pulls up live camera footage of her office being broken into by Hank. Darin calls Leff-T. Says she set a trap and Hank took the bait. They agree to meet at her house after her AA meeting and go to police.
#48 INT. TRAIN TERMINAL – NIGHT
Hank is with his new dog at the train station searching passengers for drugs. One of Ramon’s henchmen is sitting there, observing. Hank goes into the restroom and douses the dog’s collar in what he believes is civetone. He emerges and commences with the search. The dog alerts to drugs. Henchman leaves. Hank knows he is in trouble. Hank’s phone rings. Ramon says Hank is a dead man.
#49 BEDROOM, HANK’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Hank gets guns, cash, and a passport from his safe. Packs a duffle to go on the run.
CLIMAX
#50 EXT. BACKYARD POOL, DARIN’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Darin goes home to meet Leff-T. She finds an inebriated Hank holding Leff-T hostage, poolside. He ties Darin up as well. Says he is going to overdose her and set it up to look like she shot Leff-T. Darin sees Leff-t has loosened his ties – – and he communicates to her with his eyes that he has a gun tucked into his sock. Darin buys time by telling Hank she is pregnant. Hank checks her bathroom for pregnancy test and finds she is telling the truth. He decides to take Darin on the run with him. He pushes Leff-T into the pool. Leff-T emerges from water. Hank and Leff-T shoot one another.
#51 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
A recovering Dharma visits Darin while she holds vigil at Leff-T’s bedside. Darin informs Dharma that Hank is dead. She tells Dharma she thinks she has fallen in love with Leff-T. Leff-T awakens to hear this.
RESOLUTION
#52 INT. PERFORMING ARTS VENUE – NIGHT
Leff-T, Darin’s baby girl (LIVIE), and Dharma attend the Essence Awards. Darin dedicates her award to her deceased sister, Livie. She informs the audience of her upcoming release: a fragrance created for her husband, Leff-T. It will benefit his charity, The Gabriel Foundation – – which aids reformed gang members and their families starting a new chapter in their lives.
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Hello All,
I’m ready to exchange feedback if anyone is available. I’m not posting my outline here: the formatting gets messed up, and it’s too time-consuming to fix it.
I can be reached at petersaltzman@gmail.com
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Hi Peter,
Thanks for providing feedback on my Thriller Map. Great insights!
Now it’s on to Hal’s BWTV w/AI class on Saturday. Wish me luck!-
You are very welcome! I love the story and concept. And thank you for your amazingly helpful feedback on mine.
I’m also taking the BWTV AI class (took the regular one 3-4 years ago.) Note: Hal mentioned in his post-strike Zoom meeting the other night that the class is being pushed back a week: starting on October 7, instead of this Saturday. But I will see you in class! And good luck. I’m going to start an entirely new TV project in that class…
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This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Peter Saltzman.
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Excellent! See you in the next class. I think I’ll bring in something sci-fi so I’ll be interested in your expert opinion.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by
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Hello Peter,
would like to exchange with you.
email
many thanks,
Brenda Clarke
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Looking for a partner for Round 3: blapierre1@comcast.net
Barbe’s Thriller Map Version 3
What I learned is that it’s great to have many sets of professional level eyes on my work.
Main improvements: Changed names to avoid alliteration, clarified some clues, added a bit more detail, filled some potholes in the logic.
Focus for Round 3: Can you follow it? Are there any holes in the logic?
READER BEWARE: This is not a Thriller. (Sorry, Hal.) It a cozy mystery in the vein of Thursday Murder Club, Shakespeare & Hathaway, Queens of Mystery, with a dash of Lovejoy. The tone I was going for is quirky or charming.
Title: THE CLUB
Genre: Comedy / Thriller
Series logline: Six resourceful ladies in a mystery book club enthusiastically turn amateur sleuths, cleverly solving real-life crimes while navigating their own tangled lives.
Episode 1 – PLOT TWISTS
Logline: The book club tackles a real crime when their bookshop owner friend is framed for murder, forcing them to solve the case and clear his name.
OPENING
#1 INT. WHODUNITZ MYSTERIES BOOKSTORE – NIGHT
HANK MIDDLETON (65, Caucasian) is awakened in the middle of the night by the sound of two gunshots in his bookstore below his apartment. He creeps down to find a body in his office. He calls the police. He searches for his gun by the register – but it’s gone. He hears a disturbance in the alley and heads out to check.
#2 EXT. ALLEY – NIGHT
Another body lies in the alley – but he’s not dead. As Hank approaches the man rolls over and drops a gun – Hank’s gun. Hank picks up the gun. The man lunges. Hank shoots. The look on Hank’s face hints that he might recognize this guy. Was the shot self-defense?
The police arrive to find Hank standing over the body.
CATALYST
#3 INT. BITTER BONES BREW PUB – EVENING
A cozy neighborhood hangout.
MATILDA “MATTY” HOLMES (late 60s, Caucasian), BEATRICE “BEA” BENNETT (early 60s, African American), PENELOPE “PENNY” SULLIVAN (mid 50s, Caucasian), EVELINA “EVIE” JOHNSON (early 50s, Hispanic), HAZEL “HAZY” THOMPSON (early 60s, African American), DEVINA “DEVI” MADAN (mid 50s, Asian Indian), the members of The MYSTERY MAVENS BOOK CLUB, sit around a large table, drink beer and wine and discuss the latest mystery novel “Blackbirds at Night.”
Matty is waiting for a call from her “boyfriend,” Hank. He spent the day before at a book auction.
At the end of the evening’s spirited discussion, Matty receives an urgent call from Hank.
He has been arrested for murder. The Mavens rush to the aid of their friend.
#4 INT. JAIL VISITATION ROOM – NIGHT
The Mystery Mavens stand before a metal counter, separated from Hank by a thick pane of glass. Hank appears disheveled and desperate, his eyes filled with hope as he spots his friends.
Hank says he is framed for the murder of the thief in the alley.
Hank relates the events as they unfolded but withholds key pieces of information. Why?
The Mavens continue to quiz Hank. As Hank tells the Mavens about “the person who came into the store asking about rare books,” a…
FLASHBACK to Hank talking to the now-dead thief in the bookstore days before. The guy hands Hank a credit card but then leaves the store without it. As soon as the guy leaves, Hank picks up his phone, scans through his contacts, taps on “David.”
MAVENS: Did they get into the safe?
HANK: I don’t know – but there’s nothing in there but a deed and a bunch of receipts.
Hank asks the Mavens for help.
#5 INT. MATTY’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Matty paces back and forth, a skeptical expression on her face. The Mavens watch her with concern.
Bea sees a headline on her phone “Manuscript Stolen.” Was this the same auction that Hank attended?
Using their depth of knowledge of case solving in mystery novels they decide to help. Besides, the Mavens can do things that are “just slightly illegal” when the police can’t.
Devi asks, “Where do we start?” Matty answers, “Whodunitz.”
FUN & GAMES
#6 INT. POLICE STATION – DAY
DAVID HOLMES (late 30s) police detective and son of Maven Matty Holmes, sits at his desk.
In charge of the investigation, he reads through the crime scene report about the bodies in the office and the alley.
He scans the fingerprint database for Hank’s prints and gets a hit. Hank is in the system! He’s ex-FBI!
David scans for the thief’s prints. He’s in the system. The thief Hank shot is Hank’s ex-FBI partner, Rusty Becker.
Prints from the dead guy in the office – a Russian thug.
#7 INT. HOSPITAL MORGUE – DAY
Maven Hazy Thompson, forensic specialist, reviews the autopsy report for the dead thief in the office. The autopsy reveals that the bullet came from Hank’s gun – prints indicate it was fired by the other thief, Rusty Becker. Why?
Rusty Becker was shot twice, once by Hank – but the first bullet was from a Russian gun.
Both corpses have Russian gang tattoos.
What were they after and why did they shoot each other?
#8 INT. POLICE STATION – DAY
David “interrogates” Hank. It’s more like a conversation.
“Let’s help each other out, Hank.” / David shows him the headline about the auction. / “So, you went to the auction to buy the manuscript?” “Yes.” / “And you were going to buy the manuscript with a credit card that Rusty Becker gave you? “Yes” / “And that’s the way his boss was going to launder the money.” “I guess.” / “But before you could pay for the manuscript, it was stolen.” “Yeah.” / “Then Randy Becker shows up in the middle of the night in your store because…?” “I don’t know.” / “And another guy winds up dead in your office. Why?” “I don’t know.” / “What were they after? Why did they shoot each other?” / “It would be easier if we had the combination to your safe.” / Hank takes David’s notepad and writes the combination. / “There is nothing of any importance in my safe.”
#9 EXT./INT. WHODUNITZ MYSTERIES BOOKSTORE – DAY
Mavens cross the police tape and “break in” to Hank’s store. Matty has the key. (“It’s not breaking, it’s just… entering.”)
The Mavens use techniques and strategies gleaned from the best detective novels.
Bea and Evie go upstairs into Hank’s apartment above the store. They find overdue notices. Hank is in debt.
Penny and Hazy search another room in the apartment. They find a photo of the ex-FBI guy and Hank receiving commendations. (“That’s Rusty Becker, I recognize him from the coroner’s report.”) An article falls out of a book about Hank and his partner being dismissed by the FBI for wrongdoing.
Downstairs in the office Devi uses her safecracking skills and breaks into the safe. Matty removes — the manuscript.
The Mavens wonder – Why would Hank bid on a manuscript he couldn’t afford? And how did he get tangled up with the Russian mob?
#10 EXT. WHODUNITZ MYSTERIES BOOKSTORE – DAY
Two figures in the shadows have the bookstore under surveillance. They spy the Mavens leaving the store.
Just then a police car arrives. The police enter the bookstore.
#11 INT. WHODUNITZ MYSTERIES BOOKSTORE – DAY
The police dust for prints – then open the safe. Except for the deed and some receipts — it’s empty.
#12 INT. POLICE STATION – DAY
David scans the prints report from the bookstore. There are three sets of prints on the safe: Hank, Randy Becker, and an unidentified set – not in the system.
Matty calls David to invite him to dinner. “There are things we must discuss.”
MIDPOINT
#13 INT. VOLKOV’S HIDEOUT – DAY
SERGEY VOLKOV (60s) a burly Russian mob boss, quizzes his thugs about their surveillance at the bookstore. He now knows the Mavens have the manuscript. He believes that Hank killed both Rusty Becker and the other thug. He still thinks Hank has double-crossed him. With Hank in jail his attention is now on — the Mavens.
BAD GUYS CLOSE IN
#14 INT. MATTY’S DINING ROOM – NIGHT
David has dinner with his mother, Matty, and the Mavens. David reveals to the Mavens that the police searched Hank’s office. They thought they would find the manuscript in his safe, but Hank wasn’t lying. There wasn’t anything in there.
Matty gently breaks it to David that the Mavens “stole” the manuscript from Hank’s safe.
What is so important about this manuscript that you would risk being arrested – or killed? Matty opens the manuscript case. It’s the Einstein-Besso manuscript worth $15 million.
David tells them that Hank is mixed up with some pretty bad guys.
On his phone David shows the Mavens footage of the auction. They see Hank bidding on the manuscript and Randy Becker in the crowd.
David finally reveals to the Mavens the truth about who Hank is: Ex-FBI and working for Volkov. The Mavens are dumbfounded but still want to work to clear Hank’s name. Hank must have been coerced.
David doesn’t want them involved. They want to help trap Volkov.
David insists in no uncertain terms that they are not to be involved in the investigation. He leaves.
The Mavens hatch a plan.
#15 EXT. SUPERMARKET – DAY
Maven Penny exits the supermarket. As she approaches her car, she sees a scary looking dude leaning on the front fender. In a thick Russian accent, he relays a message from Volkov to turn over the manuscript. As he leaves, he keys her car. (“Now I’m really mad!”)
#16 INT. MADAN’S ANTIQUES – DAY
Maven Devi approaches a customer in her store. In a thick Russian accent, he relays a message from Volkov to turn over the manuscript. (“You have a nice store. It would be too bad if something happened to it.”) As he leaves, he purposefully knocks over an expensive lamp. It crashes into smithereens. (“Now I’m really mad!”)
#17 EXT. HOSPITAL – DAY
Matty exits the hospital. As she approaches her car, two thugs approach and whisk her into a van. It speeds off.
#18 INT. VOLKOV’S HIDEOUT – DAY
Volkov interrogates Matty. She is just as tough as she looks.
Matty tells Volkov that Hank did not kill either of his thugs. They shot each other.
He wants the manuscript.
Matty invites Volkov to dinner at her home. She will turn over the manuscript.
Volkov smiles and accepts. Matty is released.
Volkov, who has yet to produce the manuscript, receives a threatening email from his employer, a powerful, shadowy Russian oligarch.
FINALE
#19 INT. MATTY’S DINING ROOM – NIGHT
Volkov attends the dinner with the Mavens but brings his thugs to stand guard outside and inside.
Volkov really likes the Mavens. They are his age. He enjoys their company. They laugh at his jokes, and he laughs at theirs.
#20 EXT. MATTY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Unknown to the diners inside a police SWAT team swoops in and dispatches the thugs outside.
#21 INT. MATTY’S DINING ROOM – NIGHT
Just as Volkov, with a twinge of wistful regret, threatens to kill all the Mavens unless they produce the manuscript…
Matty added a sedative to the chocolate cake and put Volkov and his thugs to sleep.
SWAT charges to the rescue – Volkov is snoring.
Volkov is captured.
RESOLUTION
#22 INT. BITTER BONES BREW PUB – NIGHT
Hank and David enter.
All this turmoil has jeopardized Hank’s relationship with Matty.
David, at long last, reveals to the Mavens that Hank was working with the police to apprehend Volkov.
All the questions are answered, and connections are laid out.
DAVID: Rusty Becker stole the manuscript. He put it in the safe to make Volkov believe that Hank had double crossed him. Best we can figure, Volkov sent the other thief to search for the manuscript. He surprised Becker, and Becker had to kill him so he couldn’t rat to Volkov. And Becker shot him with Hank’s gun so Hank would be blamed for that too.
HANK: Rusty and I were partners. Rusty got into some stuff, and I turned him in. We both got suspended. Our careers were over. I hated him for that. I lost track of him until he walked into the store and recruited me to work for Volkov. Volkov was going to pay off all my debts. I called David right away. I had a plan to take down Volkov – but then Rusty got inventive, and the plan went sideways.
PENNY: But you shot him.
DAVID: Self-defense.
MATTY: Then why did you keep him in jail?
DAVID: I knew Volkov would be after him for the manuscript and for the two thugs. Jail was the safest place.
BEA: Where’s the manuscript?
DAVID: The auction house picked it up today. They’ll give it another try.
EVIE: And the money to buy the manuscript?
DAVID: We have the credit card that Volkov gave to Randy to give to Hank to buy the manuscript. We’ll hand that over to the Art Crimes Division. They’ll be able to track it to Volkov’s boss.
Hank is exonerated.
David adds one last detail. Since the government was offering a million dollars for Volkov – the Mavens and Hank all get to share.
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Hal said to get this script written fast. I’ve finished Act 1, MMM Steps 1 and 2, and have made two quick Interest Techniques passes. Today, I want to look at each Scene individually and see if I can enhance the IT’s before starting the writing for Act 4, MMM Steps 7 and 8. Then, I’ll do Acts 2 and 3.
I want to thank those who took the time to look at my Map and make comments. Several things have been changed, and I wrote with a higher awareness of where the weak spots were— success to all of you.
Alfred Dunham
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Michael L Harris’s Thriller Map version 1
Sorry for the delay. Is there anyone still checking this class that is willing to exchange feedback with me. Thanks.
INT. MALBREE LIVINGROOM – EARLY MORNING
A young boy, 6-year old Simon Daniels, tosses and turns in a makeshift bed behind the sofa. The corner of a small box holds a small flashlight, half stick of gum and a filigreed button.
DREAM SEQUENCE
A child in a car seat, a woman hands him a flashlight clicking it several times and then steps out of the car, smiling tenuously at the child. The sound of something hard hitting an object, like a pumpkin, or a head… A man stands in front of a building a welcoming smile plastered across his face.
A casket with a woman’s body, a button drops on the floor of a cathedral and bounces down a step. A woman’s face. She cries. A middle aged man and woman argue, a knife comes down repeatedly on the man’s back.
INT. MALBREE LIVINGROOM – EARLY MORNING – CONTINUOUS
Simon startles awake with the image of the knife coming down on its victim. As he opens them we see he’s eyes have a weird lavender glow about them. He stuffs the gum, flashlight and button into his pocket (they are the same objects as in his dreams) and heads for the kitchen.
INT. MALBREE KITCHEN – EARLY MORNING
A middle aged couple, MA And PA MALBREE exchange insults, she is livid. She picks up a knife as the argument continues, eventually driving it into the table near PA to emphasize her point, including a threat to do him in.
Simon ruffles through the cupboard for a cereal box. He starts to pour cereal into a bowel then rapidly ducks barely missing a flying plate from connecting with his head. A demonstration of MA’s wrath. She tells him to “git” and not to come home ‘til dark.
Simon bolts for the door swiping a cell phone on the way out.
EXT. PATH ALONG BADGER CREEK – DAY
Simon uses the stolen cell phone to call Gloria, his caseworker. He tells her Mrs. Malbree plans to kill Mr. Malbree. She instructs him to be at the house at noon. Simon protests. “But she said not to come back until dark.” Gloria reiterates, “noon.”
He soon comes to a road and begins to cross. A car screeches to a halt. The cell phone flies from his hands, lands teetering momentarily on the edge of the bridge and then falls into the water, Gloria’s voice emanating from it as it falls.
Inside the car papers fly. A picture of a young girl, a foster child, lands on the floor of the car.
An attractive young woman, ELISE MORRIS, 32, a grade school teacher, pulls herself together, opens the window and asks if Simon is okay.
He runs across the road, glances back briefly and disappears into the woods on the other side.
EXT. BADGER CREEK CEMETERY – DAY
Elise pulls into the cemetery, gets out of the car and walks carefully toward a grave, her mother’s. She stands talking to the grave, momentarily closing her eyes.
Opening them slowly she is startled by the same young boy standing in front of her. The moment she opens her eyes he thrusts his hand in her direction.
Recoiling she falls backward onto a bench. Simon opens his hand and once again extends it palm up toward Elise. An unusual filigreed button rests in the center of his hand. Elise opens hers and he deposits the button.
Elise tries to find out more about Simon but having accomplished his mission, he turns and runs back into the woods.
The button makes Elise uncomfortable and she stffs it in her pocket.
INT. THE BADGER’S DEN CAFE – EVENING
Elise enters hurriedly. She’s late. Her eyes search the room and finally fall on KEVIN ANDERSON, a good-looking black real estate broker, mid-30’s in a stylish business suit. Their eyes meet, his twinkle with anticipation, as she rushes over to his table.
A young WAITER on the side of the room waits impatiently for a sign. It doesn’t come. KEVIN and ELISE engage in small-talk, she’s sorry for being late.
They both have something they want to tell each other. Thinking the time is right, Kevin begins, the waiter starts toward the table with two glasses of wine. One with a sparkling engagement ring gently swaying in the bottom.
As Kevin is about to propose Elise thoughtlessly announces she is getting a foster child tomorrow. A girl. It happened so fast she hadn’t had time to tell Kevin.
The waiter arrives with the glass of champaign. Oops!
Kevin, taken aback isn’t sure he wants to share her, he tells her of all the baggage foster children bring.
Elise more forceful than normal lets him know that there is a hole in her life that only a foster child can fill and that that is a priority for her now. Marriage is not.
With Kevin’s negativity having affected Elise deeply she gets up and announces she has to go prepare for tomorrow.
Kevin is left with the ring which ominously hovers at the bottom of the glass. He drinks it down and fishes the ring out.
INT. ELISE’S HOUSE – SIMON’S BEDROOM – DAY
Elise puts the finishing touches on “Celeste’s” room. Including a doll and a homemade bunny puppet. Feeling the button in her pocket she deposits it in the trash. The doorbell rings.
INT. ELISE’S HOUSE – LIVINGROOM – DAY – CONTINUOUS
At the door, Elise greets Gloria, a black DCF caseworker. There has been a change in plans. An emergency placement. Simon.
There is an uncomfortable meeting in the Livingroom as Simon and Elise avoid telling Gloria of their earlier meeting.
Gloria confides that while Simon is a “good boy” he has been removed from numerous foster homes because of his unusual machinations.
INT. ELISE’S HOUSE – SIMON’S BEDROOM -DAY
Simon knows where his room is without being shown. He sits pensively on the bed.
Elise surveys Simon’s ragged clothes and determines they need to go shopping for school clothes.
INT. EDDIE BADGER MALL – DAY
Elise and Simon roam a department store. Elise picking up shirts and pants, asking for his approval, holding them up for size. Simon is disinterested but shows a keen interest in every man they pass.
In the shoe department, several strewn pairs show the difficulty Elise is having in finding a match for Simon. Simon spots a package of batteries and asks Elise to buy them. She tells him they aren’t needed for the light up shoes he indicates he wants. Elise makes him put the batteries back but he stuffs them in his pocket while her head is turned.
INT. MALL – FOOD COURT – DAY
Simon and Elise sit at a table eating. Several large televisions screens around the room blaze with different programing. On one a TV newscaster interviews a middle-aged MAN, DR. WHITCOMBE standing in front of a large ancient looking building. A sign identifies the building as “Tommy’s Hope,” a nursing facility. While there is no sound Simon immediately recognizes the man and the building from his dream.
Elise obliviously tries to carry on a conversation with him about what he would like to do in the remaining dog-days before school starts.
In response Simon excitedly says, drive around. What? Where? Why? He picks up his remaining drink and heads for the exit. Elise trailing.
INT. ELISE’S CAR – DAY
Simon convinces Elise to drive telling her he wants to find a man in a big building who knows what happened to his mother. As they drive Elise is still trying to convince Simon they should do something fun, like go to the park. Simon is distracted, watching for “the man” and the “big building.” Eventually Elise tires of this and insists they do something fun or go home.
In response Simon shouts, “Stop!” Elise seeing a park like area thinks Simon has finally come to his senses and wants to play. She pulls into a parking spot with Simon sliding out almost before she is stopped. He jumps from the car heading toward THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET AND LANDS IN FRONT OF AN ONCOMING CAR… AGAIN.
Elise sits Simon down for a little talk. Fearing she won’t help him Simon tells Elise of his visions and the man who knows what happened to his mother.
He convinces Elise to make the inquiry at “Tommy’s Hope.”
INT. TOMMY’S HOPE – DAY
Entering the facility Elise is struct by the youthfulness of the PATIENTS attended there. Elise tells the SECURITY OFFICER she is looking for a placement.
The officer calls NURSE HANES who explains they rarely get walk-in inquires. Most come as referrals. “You must have seen Dr. Whitcombe on the news…” they always get people coming out of the woodwork after the doctor has been on television.
Elise invents a story about needing a placement for her mother. Nurse Hanes is confused she thought the inquiry was for Simon. Tommy’s Hope only caters to a specific youthful clientele.
Hanes tells them that following the tragic death of his wife and only child, Dr. Whitcombe had left his world-renowned surgical practice and opened “Tommy’s Hope,” named for his deceased son, and dedicated his life to providing cutting-edge treatment for youngsters with severe life threatening conditions.
Nurse Hanes his called away cutting the tour short. Simon and Elise discover a picture of Nurse Hanes, Dr. Whitcombe and Simon’s mother in her office.
While exiting, the glow in Simon’s eyes returns. He breaks away, running down a hall and escaping into a stairwell.
INT. TOMMY’S HOPE – BASEMENT – DAY
Elise catches up with Simon in the basement. Simon stands and stares in a half state of shock as he sees people old and young tied to stretchers and writhing in pain. It’s the state hospital as it existed under Dr. Whitcombe’s father.
Simon tries to explain to Elise the visions he is having but she’s not convinced and begins to take Kevin’s warning to heart.
INT. TOMMY’S HOPE – HALLWAY – DAY
By a back door a man in a lab coat, Dr. Whitcombe, early 60’s stands talking to a YOUNG DELIVERY worker. The cooler he hands the young man has some strange markings on it. Simon and Elise emerge from the basement in time to witness the handoff. Simon is suspicious, Elise is embarrassed, Whitcombe innerved that his trade-off has been witnessed.
Elise tells Whitcombe Nurse Hanes was called away, they were on their way out but Simon got lost trying to find a restroom. Whitcombe is taken back by Simon’s eyes. He offers to give them a tour. Elise embarrassed and unexplainably uneasy suggests some other time.
INT. ELISE’S HOUSE – LIVINGROOM – EVENING
Elise and Simon sit on the sofa drinking hot chocolate, eating cookies and looking at old photos. Simon asks if Elise still has the button. Elise faulters. She says she has. Simon askes her to get it. She digs it out of the waste can in the bathroom and brings it to him. Simon asks if she recognizes it. She doesn’t. Disturbed by the question Elise tells Simon its time for his bath. Simon leaves for the bathroom. Elise shutters and curls up on the sofa. As she does she notices the button laying on top of a picture on the open album where Simon placed it.
Elise has a moment of recognition and picks up the book confirming that the button matches the ones pictured on her mother’s dress.
Elise closes the album and shutters again.
INT. ELISE’S HOUSE – BATHROOM – EVENING
Simon is taking a bath. Playing with toys in the large foam of soap that surrounds him. He lays back allowing the water to cover his head. As he does he sees a vision of his mother floating lifelessly in dark water. He bolts up screaming. Elise runs into the room. Simon tells her of the vision he saw. Terrified for him, she towels him off and comforts him, then sends him to bed.
INT. ELISE’S HOUSE – LIVINGROOM – EVENING
Elise stands sipping on coffee staring uncomfortably out a large picture window and into the darkness. She notices a car parked on the other side of the street, the driver seems to be staring in her direction. As she does the car pulls out. She backs up closes the drapes and calls Kevin.
She confesses to Kevin that maybe he was right. She’s super confused about the last few days, she’s not sure she’s cut out to be a foster mother. She tells Kevin about Simon’s vision. She asks if he has ever heard of Whitcombe. He confirms that Whitcombe is a pillar of the community. A philanthropist, always giving money to charitable causes.
Kevin offers to come by, she declines but asks him to come by in the morning… she needs to think. He agrees to do some more checking into Whitcombe.
Simon overhears Elise say she’s unsure about their relationship.
INT. ELISE’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY
Elise drinks coffee and piddles around the kitchen checking the time, and for dishes in the sink. Kevin arrives he’s excited. He has found out more about Whitcombe’s story and some of the shadier past of the hospital Whitcombe’s father ran at the Tommy’s Hope location.
He’s found a pond on the property and a shadow that looks like a car. He wants to investigate. A warrant isn’t necessary because the lake is actually on little known public land. He used to fish there as a kid.
They discover Simon is missing and head for Tommy’s Hope.
EXT. TOMMY’S HOPE – DAY
Elise and Kevin convince Simon to wait until lunch, when staff will be busy feeding the residents.
INT. ELISE’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY
Kevin enters. He mentions a strange car across the street. Elise recalls the same last evening. Elise and Kevin are making final preparations. Kevin is meeting his former police partner to investigate the lake. Elise and Simon will wait at the house until he returns and then they can enter Tommy’s Hope through the side exit they saw Whitcombe use and see what else they can find. Kevin will call in an hour. Keep the doors locked and call if anything suspicious happens. Kevin leaves, so does the car.
EXT. SECLUDED LAKE – TOMMY’S HOPE PROPERTY- DAY
Kevin and his POLICE BUDDY enter the water in diving gear. A camera in a distant tree flashes read.
INT. ELISE’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – LATE MORNING
An hour later. Elise and Simon await eagerly for a call from Kevin. It doesn’t come. It’s close to lunch, they’ll miss their window. No mysterious cars outside. They head out.
INT. TOMMY’S HOPE – SIDE DOOR – LUNCH
Elise and Simon enter dressed in hospital attire. They make their way quickly to the basement stairwell. A security camera flashes as they exit.
INT. TOMMY’S HOPE – BASEMENT – AFTERNOON
Simon once again sees visions of former times as he enters the basement. The door to the subbasement is locked. They search for something to pry the lock with. Whitcombe and Eric his henchman enter.
Whitcombe toys with them. Takes the supplies they have brought with them including flash lights and cell phone as well as a delicious peanut butter treat.
Whitcombe has other business but locks them in the subbasement to be dealt with later.
INT. TOMMY’S HOPE – SUBBASEMENT – AFTERNOON
Elise and Simon move from room to room. Nothing notable. Then in the last room among a pile of rubble Simon sees a single earring peaking out. Elise finds a tunnel and begins chipping at it to make it bigger. They hear a sound at the end of the hall and scramble into the tunnel greeted by rats.
They bolt down the tunnel making their way to the end which appears to have no exit. Hearing a noise and seeing some faint light they discover a vent.
A boy’s voice comes from the vent. He doesn’t want another operation.
Through the vent they can see an operating room. A young boy is on the table. A tech is preparing him for surgery. A container on the counter echo’s the one Witcombe handed off earlier.
EXT. SECLUDED LAKE – TOMMY’S HOPE PROPERTY- AFTERNOON
Kevin and Police Buddy emerge from the water chattering about the car which contained a dead body. Though deteriorated the clothes resemble those on the police report describing Debra Daniels.
Muted shots are fired from the trees and Kevin and Police Buddy collapse on the ground.
INT. TOMMY’S HOPE – SUBBASEMENT – LATE AFTERNOON
Elise and Simon escape through the vent.
INT. VICTORIAN MANSION – BASEMENT – CONTINUOUS
Simon and Elise crawl out of the vent into a hallway.
The tech hears the noise in the hall and comes to the door to inquire if its doctor Whitcombe. Simon and Elise duck into an adjoining room about halfway up the stairs. Dr. Whitcombe’s private office.
EXT. SECLUDED LAKE – TOMMY’S HOPE PROPERTY- LATE AFTERNOON
Kevin and Police Buddy wake up in the trunk of their car as it is pushed by two henchmen into the lake. Kevin tries to access his cell phone hitting redial but Elise’s number just rings to voicemail. Buddy calls for backup. Kevin breaks through the backseat into the cab despite the cuffs on their wrist the two escape from the car.
INT. VICTORIAN MANSION – WHITCOMBE’S OFFICE – LATE AFTERNOON
Elise urges Simon out but he is taken by the photos of Whitcombe and his family that cover the walls of his office. Elise rummages through the desk for any clues. She finds an old book with drawings of autopsies preformed by Whitcombe’s father. Simon says that he saw one of the bodies in the basement.
In a folder are recent invoices for the sale of organs. Including a half-started invoice for the operation currently underway. It’s clear Whitcombe is selling organs from his younger patients. Another folder is marked as “Simon.” In it a single yellow paper. A birth certificate. Simon’s. The familiar purple glow passes across Simon’s eyes… He’s my father, isn’t he…
Elise grabs Simon and they head up the stairs to the main floor.
INT. VICTORIAN MANSION – CONTINUOUS
They head for the door which is locked. Simon pulls away, despite Elise’s insistence that they need to get out, Simon says, “He’s here!” and bolts up the stairs.
EXT. SECLUDED LAKE – LATE AFTERNOON
Kevin and Police buddy watch as a wrecker pulls Debra Daniels car from the lake. Kevin worried about Elise steals a police car and heads for the house.
INT. ELISE’S HOUSE – LATE AFTERNOON
Simon and Elise are gone. Kevin takes off for Tommy’s Hope.
INT. VICTORIAN MANSION – UPPER LEVEL – LATE AFTERNOON
Simon enters to find Tommy laying on a hospital bed hooked up to a series of machines. It’s clear he needs them to survive. He screams, “No… I just want to die. Please let me die.”
Simon goes closer and lays his hand on Tommy’s. There is a moment of recognition. Don’t let them…
Suddenly the door opens, Whitcombe and Eric enter. Whitcombe tells Eric to end this. He grabs Elise but Tommy thrashes disconnecting wires with buzzers going off everywhere. Providing an opportunity for Simon and Elise to escape.
EXT. TOMMY’S HOPE – GOLDEN HOUR
Running outside through a side door they see a police car coming to a screeching halt in front of Tommy’s Hope. Kevin sees them in the rearview mirror and backs up rushing them into the car and safety.
A swat team arrives and sets up in front of the Victorian. Eric emerges hands in the air.
Snipers fix sights on the front door as Whitcombe attempts to emerge. Tommy’s body in hand. A piece of door casing flies as a bullet hits near Whitcombe’s head.
Suddenly Simon bolts toward Whitcombe, Elise screams hold your fire. Simon seems to swerve keeping the marksman from a clear shot.
Whitcombe stumbles out of the mansion in great emotional pain sobbing uncontrollably and falls on the ground, Tommy’s limp body sliding off of his knees.
Simon kneels in front of him. Whitcombe seems to come to, and lunges at Simon. Elise has to fend police off by saying, “He’s his father.!” Whitcombe holds Simon rocking back and forth.
The scene fades.
EXT. BADGER CREEK CEMETERY – DAY
It is fall. Simon and Elise stand in front of a recently dug grave. They hold hands. Simon remarks that they are both orphans now. Elise affirms, adding I guess we’ll just have to take care of each other.
Kevin pulls up. Simon breaks away and approaches him. He tells Kevin he should propose. Kevin does and while they talk Simon breaks away.
Elise notices Simon is no longer there and looks for him. He is standing at a distance near another grave.
EXT. BADGER CREEK CEMETERY – CONTINUOUS
Simon has a far away look in his eyes, Elise approaches. She calls to him and as he turns we can see the familiar purple glow.
Simon’s adventures may not yet be over.
THE END
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Hi Michael,
I’d be happy to exchange, but I just finished the 2nd draft of the actual script. I don’t know if you’d be willing to read that in exchange for me reading your outline, but I’d also read your script when it’s ready.
Also, I won’t be able to look at anything until next week. In any case, email me at petersaltzman@gmail.com if you’re interested.
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