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Lesson 5: Using Hooks to Create Pitches
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BRIAN BULL – Synopsis Hooks
VISION!!!
My ultimate goal is to get my scripts from my hands to the SILVER SCREEN!!
“What I learned from doing this assignment is…
I am taking my best parts and organizing them to sell my script and get this movie made and I think it is coming along nicely.ASSIGNMENT
3. Organize both and select the 10 most interesting things. Post those to the forums.
A fisherman places a fishing hat on the front seat of the skiff, “Miss you Jim.”The villain lurks below the surface of the water of the Louisiana Bayou and isn’t seen until the very end.
The hero is determined to meet the villain face-to-face.A Dad presenting a knife that’s been in the family for 3 generations to his son and then taking back the knife when the boy accidentally cuts himself.
The unexplained disappearance of the fisherman’s Dad.
The fisherman is pulled into the murky water by the villian, when he resurfaces his younger brother is gone from the boat.
The loss of the fisherman’s younger brother.
For 25 years the fisherman has been doing everything the same until he tries the new bait he acquired at the Trading Post, this “new” bait catches the fish he has been seeking.
The Indian old-timer at the Trading Post tells the Legend of Mukatolou to the fisherman.
The younger brother appears as an apparition and they have a conversation regarding the fisherman’s quest.
The ending is a shock and ironic!A. Unique. Fishing movie about fishing.
B. Great Title. Fisherman’s Cliche’ – The ONE THAT GOT AWAY
E. It’s a first. There some fishing movies but i don’t think there is one quite like this one.
F. Ultimate. This has the potential be to a cult classic – why? Because it touches on everything fishing with a surprise ending!
G. Wide audience appeal. There are MILLIONS of people who love fishing!
I. Similarity to a box-office success. The Sixth Sense – surprise ending – IRONY!
4. Using those hooks as an outline, write a first draft of your synopsis.
FIRST DRAFT
With a staggering 50 million fishermen in the United States as of 2022, “The One That Got Away – A Fisherman’s Tale” encapsulates the true spirit of fishing.
For 25 years, John has been fishing the same spot, with the same bait, determined to catch the same fish that had gotten away; a fish he blames for his brother’s death.
As the full moonsets and the sun rises, deep in the Louisiana Bayous, with Spanish-cover Cypress trees and alligators lurking, there’s a sense of haunting beauty in the solitude as John patiently waits in his wooden skiff.
Reflecting on his past; learning how to fish from his Dad, the camaraderie he shared with his younger brother, his wife’s recent disapproval of his leaving to do this, John struggles with his determination for revenge and justice.
Recalling an ancient Indian legend, told by an old-timer at a Trading Post the previous day, John finds strength to continue his quest to apprehend the one fish that has eluded him.
After an imaginary conversation with his deceased brother, the bayou becomes eerily silent for a moment…and then…… the moment of reckoning.
John finally catches the catfish he has relentlessly pursued, and his determination of coming face-to-face with his nemesis has arrived, only to realize the startling truth: he himself was “The One That Got Away” all along.
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Margaret’s Synopsis Hooks
Vision: To be the best Faith-based Screenwriter
What I learned: Importance of using hooks for your pitch.
List of Hooks:
A. Unique – First movie that blends the fantasy legends with St. Patrick’s history
B. Great Title – The Rock of Cashel (A prominent place in Ireland with its own fantasy legend. It not only speaks to the fantasy element, but Patrick became the “Rock of faith” establishing a church on the Rock of Cashel.
C. True. N/A
D. Timely: Would be if made for a release on St. Patrick’s day 😊
E. It’s a first: First historical and fantasy blend of St. Patrick’s life.
F. Ultimate: The battle for Ireland is death-defying and needs heaven’s intervention
G. Wide audience appeal: Appeals to the faith-based audience and those who love historical fantasy.
H. Adapted from a popular book. N/A
I. Similarity to a box-office success: Braveheart; Excalibur
J. A great role for a bankable actor. Role of St. Patrick defeating the goddess Morrigan.
10 most interesting parts of the script:
- Haven’t
seen a story where (St.) Patrick faces the goddess Morrigan. - A runaway
teen who wants to be a fisherman finds himself caught in a net, kidnapped
and brought to Ireland as a slave. - Patrick
escapes slavery in Ireland, only to return to the land of his slavery to
share his God with the Irish. - Patrick
must decide between serving a druid or sacrificing the life of a convert. - Patrick’s
first convert betrays him and hands him over to death. - When it
looks like the Otherworld creatures are winning the war, heaven’s angels intervene. - Patrick
thinks he is speaking with his sister Alita, only to find out it is
Morrigan, shape-shifted. - The King
has his foot speared through accidentally by Patrick but instead of
killing him, he relates it to the sacrifice of Christ on the Cross. - Patrick
is given the go-ahead to kill his enemy, Bacrah, but instead forgives him. - The rock
that was thrown from the mountain in the goddess Morrigan’s anger, becomes
the seat of the Christian church in Ireland.
First Draft of Pitch:
Title: Legends of St. Patrick: The Rock of Cashel
Concept: Patrick fights the goddess Morrigan and creatures from Ireland’s otherworld in a death-defying battle to bring God’s love to the Irish. Inspired by the life and legends of St. Patrick.
Genre: Fantasy/Drama
In the heart of ancient Ireland, where myths and reality intertwine, a tale of faith, courage, and redemption unfolds.
Patrick, a young man with a restless spirit, and his sister Alita are unwittingly drawn into a world of darkness, captured by kidnappers disguised as fishermen, and taken to Ireland. Separated from his sister and thrust into a life of servitude under Milcho, Patrick faces the hardships of captivity and a divine calling. When an ancient prophecy makes him a threat to the Queen of the Otherworld, Morrigan, she sends Bacrah, the high king’s chief druid, to kill him.
Will the Queen of the Otherworld succeed in deterring (St.) Patrick from his mission?
Patrick escapes Bacrah and returns to Britain where he receives a mission from God. He returns to Ireland as a priest determined to share the message of God’s love. Along the way, he encounters resistance, temptation, and betrayal, all orchestrated by Morrigan’s malevolent forces. Patrick faces Bacrah at the castle, captured, and sent to Mt. Cruachan where he faces the powers of the Otherworld.
Will (St.) Patrick survive the onslaught of the Otherworld?
As Patrick faces his inner demons and grapples with the supernatural, the story culminates in a breathtaking climax. The battle between light and darkness, faith and fear, unfolds with epic proportions. Divine intervention, miraculous occurrences, and the unbreakable spirit of our hero lead to a triumphant conclusion.
- Haven’t
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Lloyd Shellenberger– Synopsis Hooks
VISION!!!
Working hard every day to become the best writer and as a result I do become the best writer in Hollywood.“What I learned from doing this assignment is…
Taking the best parts of my script and highlighting them in an interesting and concise presentation.Title. Left Behind Letters from Baghdad
Genre. Action Drama
High Concept. An Iraqi interpreter is murdered while working for the US military forcing SFC Clark and his unit to risk their lives and careers to the save the widow and children from certain death at the hands of a vengeful terrorist.
ASSIGNMENT
3. Organize both and select the 10 most interesting things. Post those to the forums.
Lloyd’s ten most interesting things about Left behind, Letters from BaghdadA. What is most unique about your villain and hero. My hero, SFC Clark goes through a character arc that makes this an interesting role for a lead actor. Abu Rami was a real terrorist. I and other soldiers feared him and Al-Zarqawi. He was capable and ruthless.
B. Major hook of your opening scene. The opening scene shows our interpreter working. It highlights the fear and threats they faced daily working for the US. It also hints at the Sheik playing on both sides.
C. Any turning points? The first turning point is the Amil bombing. The true nature of terrorism rears deadly head. The second TP is the killing of Hammad. This sets Clark on a path, which there is no return.
D. Emotional dilemma. Clark must decide between duty and doing the right thing. His loyalties change from doing his military duty to doing the right thing at all costs.
E. Major twists? Clark proves there is a mole, and the Sheik is dirty. By doing this he has given himself some chips to bargain for the Widows freedom.
F. SFC Clark forces an entrenched and shortsighted State Department and US Military to reexamine its policies and decisions.
G. Character betrayals? When Clark discovers a mole, he must find a way to use this to force Abi-Rami’s hand. The mole does his job and betrays the Army.
H. Any big surprises? The revelation that the Sheik is dirty, and Ahmad is knee deep in the terrorist attacks.
The big idea here is the moral and emotional struggle of a military unit trying to save an Iraqi interpreter’s family from terrorist retribution, which is a unique angle on the war drama genre that combines action with a strong emotional core.
Suspense and Anticipation: The script creates suspense through the constant threat to the widow and her children and the unpredictability of Abu Rami’s actions.
The strength of my script lies in its compelling main conflict and the moral complexities it explores. The action sequences are intense and well-crafted, and the character of SFC Clark is a powerful protagonist.
The inciting incident, the midpoint revelation, the “all is lost” moment, the climax, and the resolution are all strong and effectively drive the story forward.
The ten best things about my script.
1. The initial convoy attack that sets the stakes at the Amil Power Plant.
2. The ambush on Haifa Street that showcases the unit’s combat skills.
3. The revelation of the mole, which adds a layer of internal conflict.
4. The confrontation with the Sheik which shows the dangerous and deceptive nature of war. This is also the point where Clark realizes using the same tactics won’t work so he switches gears.
5. The final showdown with Abu Rami, which is emotionally charged and action-packed. 6. The departure of Fazziz and her children, which provides emotional closure.
7. The scene on the Convention Center roof where Clark releases the ashes. It is also a physical release of the past and a healing moment.
8. Scene where terrorist threaten Fazziz, leaving us to wonder who he will kill.
9. SFC Clark speaking to his parents for the first time in years. The world is right again, and Clark can finally breathe.
10. The scene where Fazziz boards the plane but before she does, she makes the sign of the rainbow to Clark. This is a powerful and emotional connection to one another.
11. The graveyard scene highlights the struggles of the Iraqi people when we see all the graves marred by red spray
4. Using those hooks as an outline, write a first draft of your synopsis.
FIRST DRAFT
Letters from Baghdad is a timely true story with a powerful message. Act 1is set in Baghdad in 2004. It introduces SFC Clark to a military operation, highlighting his skills and leadership. After the Inciting Incident, the murder of the Iraqi interpreter, Clark is forced to re-examine his view of the world and the military. He takes up the cause of the widow, desperate to save her and the children from certain death. To do this he must secure visas for the family against all odds. He quickly learns that conventional approaches will not work. Clark’s initial plan to secure visas for the family fails. He must now risk everything to secure the visas.
A new plan: Clark devises a risky plan to capture the terrorist leader and secure the coveted visas. He gathers valuable intel and trades that information on a mole to highlight the shortfalls in the CIA’s information network. In act three Clark forces a confrontation between his unit and Abu Rami’s forces. Clark confronts the antagonist, choosing not to kill him and instead bringing him to justice. This shows Clark’s growth and humanity. Clark secures the visas and sends the family to America. Clark finds peace in the final scene as he scatters the interpreter’s ashes over Baghdad. By doing this, he finds redemption for his past.
The script presents a unique perspective on the Iraq War by focusing on the personal journey of SFC Miles Clark, an American soldier, and his mission to save an Iraqi interpreter’s family from a vengeful terrorist. This intertwines the action-drama genre with a humanistic approach.
This story is inspired by true events SSG Lloyd Shellenberger covered as story a journalist. It may be the best and most accurate Iraqi war film ever. Because of this I believe it will have a wide audience appeal. The emotional arc of the lead protagonist makes this a powerful role any actor would love to play. The book is currently in development. It is due out in 2024.
The script effectively escalates the conflict and tension, particularly in the action sequences. It also creates suspense through the constant threat posed by the antagonist and the unpredictability of the mission.
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