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Lesson 11 – Exchange Feedback
Make agreements to exchange feedback
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23 Replies
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Joan Beesley: Query Letter Draft 2
What I learned from This Assignment Is:
THE JUNKMAN OF BROOKLYN
You survived the Irish Famine, Tammany Hall, salvaged destroyers and submarines, so passing on the Art of the Deal is easy-peasy, right?
Charles Flynn and his family have their cottage “tumbled’ by English soldiers and flee to America.
However, 3 year old Michael Flynn is left on the dock.
An Irish Godfather absent the violence, he grows up to become a scrap metal czar, thanks to Tammany Hall and senators from Ward 6. He firmly insulates his family from poverty but at the Triangle Shirtwaist Fire he engages a business partner who will scheme to steal his future international business. “Can this business be saved?”
And how does he “return” in 2001 to save the life of his great granddaughter who is writing his biography?
If you like the concept of 40 Shades of Green: The Junkman of Brooklyn I’d be happy to send you the script.
Joan is a published author of historical fiction/magical realism. I am Irish, from Brooklyn New York and this script is a true story (almost).
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Hi Joan
I like your title and the structure of the Query Letter is great. You set it up nicely and love the posed question at the end to hook the reader. Well done, you nailed it! My only additional points, in terms of content, are the following:
1. I had to look up the reference to Tammany Hall and the Triangle Shirtwaist Fire. Granted, I am not from NY (or Irish) but I am fairly well-read. Are you confident that any producer reading this will know what you are talking about here? If not, you run the risk of a producer being slightly confused by these references.
2. With regards to the words ‘he grows up to become a scrap metal czar’, are you referring to Charles Flynn or 3 year old Michael? It is not entirely clear with reference to the preceding paragraphs. And if Michael was left on the dock (presumably in the UK) how did he then get to the US? That part is a bit confusing for me.
Otherwise, great job
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Title: The Road to Painted Hills
Genre: Drama
Synopsis:
When a suicidal ex-con receives news of his cancer, he resolves to finally confront his painful past.
He journeys to rural Oregon to visit the mother of the twin girls he killed one night 22 years before in a drink-driving accident, seeking forgiveness and redemption.
But before he can reveal his true identity, he unexpectedly finds himself falling in love with her.
Coming to her aid after a devastating fire, he pledges to support her and her estranged son. But he faces a tortuous dilemma: does he continue to live a wonderful lie, or does he tell the truth, up-end their lives and destroy the only love he has ever known?
Will the dogged police chief, increasingly suspicious of the new stranger in town, unearth his true identity, crimes and misdemeanours?
And will their love withstand the truth of what really happened that night?
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
With appreciation,
R. David Becker
Bio: R. David Becker is an optioned screenwriter who has won awards with Page and the Screenplay Festival.
Contact info:
Phone: + 44 7799664256
Email: david@beckerkemp.com
https://www.linkedin.com/in/david-becker-71a0381b7/-
This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by David Becker.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by
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Hello Richard,
I’m Joan Beesley and I like your query letter. It is a heart-rending drama and I like the way you “unfold” the story without giving away the resolution. I like your format of “questions” which engages whoever is reading the query. I tried to do this in my query letter for The Junkman of Brooklyn as well.
Best of luck. See you at the movies!
Joan
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Hi Joan
Thanks so much for the feedback. Much appreciated. I’ll review yours shortly!
Hugs,
Richard David Becker
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Nick’s Query Letter Draft 1
What I learnt: Overall, make every sentence a hook to make a reluctant reader want to read more.
Hi _____,
Title: The Rogue of Connemara
Genre: Drama (one hour TV series)
It’s the Irish version of Roots.
A genocidal government, tyranny, and famine plague mid-19th century Ireland. Into this dystopian society we follow the life and shenanigans of MICHAEL MURPHY (26), a liberty-seeking, freedom loving renaissance man on the lam for murder. As luck would have it,…
…he discovers a dead priest on the road and steals his identity.
He hides in plain sight from English authorities as a charismatic parish priest. One day he unwittingly hears his long-lost-lover’s confession, rekindling a desire for her. But he can’t tell her he’s not a priest without exposing himself as the sacrilegious fraud he is, and lose her. Then the potato crop fails. The parish looks to him for their salvation.
What’s a wanted murderer posing as a priest to do? Be a shepherd or be a wolf…or be both?
BIO: Shortlist Finalist (one of five) in the Page Turner 2022 International Screenwriting Contest. Graduate of ScreenwritingU’s Master program. My great grandfather emigrated from Cork, Ireland in 1850. I traveled there in search of my ancestral roots. Hence, the story.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the pilot script.
Sincerely,
Nick
Nick Walsh,
Feature and TV Series screenwriter
202 East Sycamore Street
St. Charles, Iowa 50240 USA
515.570.3580
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Hello Nick,
You offered a hook that drew me in. I wanted to see where this went. I am a little confused on a couple points.
In the roots part, is there a lot of drinking and general mischief? (You know the Irish have the drinking myth). And does Michael murder someone and then find a dead priest on the road, or he didn’t actually murder someone and just found a dead priest and he stole the identity?
Your query letter flows well. It ends with a great hook. In the very end I would drop ‘be’ and just say ‘or both?’ I like it. I’d like to read it some day.
Enter our contest and win, maybe we can make the series together. That would be cool.
Best of luck on this project.
Richard Senne
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Richard Senne’s Query Letter Draft 1
What I learned doing this assignment is… There is so much that goes into the query letter, it’s hard to feel it’s completed correctly. And what does go in the subject line of an email?
Hi, _____,
I have PRECISE STRIKE, which is Black Widow meets Cape Fear.
Title: PRECISE STRIKE
Genre: Action/Thriller
I’m going to kill them. I’m going to kill them all.
Jessica is the sole survivor of a bio-weapon attack, but gets kicked out of the military. She hunts for the terrorists. Her resolve wavers when she meets her boyfriend from college and begins to work with him. Her doctors, who she doesn’t know are the terrorists, conspire against her and give her drugs to make her paranoid.
Jessica viciously beats a co-worker she believes is a terrorist. But she has the wrong guy.
Her doctor manipulates her and she goes to the mountains for rest. She discovers one of her doctors is a psychopath determined to experiment on her. They have a secret base to launch a bio-weapon drone on Washington. Before she can tell anyone they take her captive.
Can Jessica escape and stop the attack before thousands die?
If you like the concept of PRECISE STRIKE, I’d be happy to send you the script.
RIchard Senne
BIO: Richard is a judge in Tipsy Hiccup Production screenplay contest for the third year. He is a graduate of ScreenwritingU’s Master Screenwriter Certificate Program. Precise Strike was a Semifinalist in PAGE Awards contest and has placed in other contests.
Phone: 330-442-3413
Email: richardsenne2@gmail.com
Richard Senne
840 Hallock Young Rd
Warren, Ohio 44481
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This should have been a reply to Nick. I a fixing that now.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by Richard Senne.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by
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What I learned doing this assignment is that your query letter is a combo of your strongest COM and MIT, written almost entirely as hooks. Every sentence or phrase must be interesting to compel the reader to request the script. Here’s my Draft 1. I’m open to your feedback.
Hi ____,
Would you let your whole high school meet your awkward Asian family if it would save the school dance?
Title: STEALING BUDDHA’S DINNER
Genre: Comedy based on a Chicago Tribune “Best Book of the Year” I control the rights to
“SIXTEEN CANDLES, with Asian representation”
Hooray! Bich Nguyen escaped Vietnam seconds before the fall of Saigon! Uh-oh. Now she has to survive high school in America…
Bich’s plan? Beg, borrow, or steal the 80’s junk food, fashion, and music approved by 10/10 teens.
Meanwhile, Bich’s classmates are making her life a living hell. Even her dad and new step-mom Rosa are out to get her! Rosa’s masterminding a tone-deaf Asian heritage assembly at Bich’s school. Her dad’s Lunar New Year party is the same night as the school dance, and Bich’s attendance is mandatory. Just when things couldn’t get worse, Bich’s estranged mom shows up stateside with tons of questions about the night Bich fled Vietnam. Awkward!
Everything’s coming up “Asian” and Bich just wants her MTV!
When the truth comes out about her family’s escape, and a fire in the cafeteria threatens the school dance, Bich’s faced with the biggest decisions of her American teenage life:
Protect her sister from the reason their mom got left behind? Let the school dance crash her dad’s Asian party and let her freak flag fly?
For one night only, can Bich “Make Asia Great Again?”
I’d be happy to send you the script if you like the concept.
All best,
Jenna Finwall Ryan
BIO: Jenna is an optioned screenwriter and has a Ph.D. in psychology. She did her doctoral internship at the FOX series LIE TO ME. While working in TV as a researcher, Jenna’s scripts have been finalists in contests like Script Pipeline and Scriptapalooza.
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Hi Jenna,
I’m replying to your pitch. You do have a hook in the opening, although maybe you could find something a little more grabby. Save the school dance doesn’t have a huge stake. Maybe there is a way to say this that makes us think something horrible might happen. The word disaster comes to mind. It is a good hook though so no worries if it stays as is.
You might want to tighten up the line about rights. I think you can say something like, Comedy, based on a best selling book I have rights to. All the details can come later.
I think you should switch the “Would you..” line and the “Sixteen Candles..” lines
I personally would drop the Hooray part, but if you like it go with it.
Can you create an interesting character in this opening? Use words like, driven, as in; Bich Nguyen is now driven to fit in by possessing every junk food, fashion, and music of every popular high school student. Now you can just flow into the paragraph with “But” as in; But Bich’s classmates…
You can reduce this paragraph by taking out unneeded details. I don’t know the story, but masterminding Asian heritage at school doesn’t hit me like the opening sentence ‘introduce’ because she’s already involved at school. And it doesn’t seem like story structure detail. Her dad’s party feels key.
Things are flowing well. And your hook is fine until in the next paragraph, where you combine into one sentence ‘the truth.. family’s escape’ and ‘fire in the cafeteria’. Those are two separate things and should be handled as such it would seem. Make the fire a separate item that causes the dilemma.
Your last hook is confusing to me. How is the mom being left behind related directly to the dance a her dad’s Asian party? I don’t have an answer for that.
Maybe you can just hook with something about her freak flag flying, I don’t know. But as is, I don’t have the clarity for the hook to snag me enough to allow the confusion I have.
Maybe you could have the mom left behind in the paragraph before. But what does that have to do with the pitch? If it’s a detail that can be ignored in the pitch and handled when reading the script, go that route. Here’s what I have at this point. There is a dilemma where her dad wants her at his party, and she has a school dance. She goes to school, I imagine sneaks. There is a fire and she has to decide whether to have everyone go to her dad’s party or everyone go home.
And I’m assuming the answer is obvious, so maybe the ending hook could be something like this…
Will Bich crash her dad’s party with the high school, and will she “Make Asia Great Again?” Or something like that that fits your vision. I’m just trying to clarify.
I like your bio btw.
With much care for your success,
Richard Senne
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Hi Richard,
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I will clarify that it is Michael Flynn and that he left from Ireland on a harrowing transatlantic crossing.
I was wondering where you are in your script. Is it ready to market? I wrote 40 Shades as a limited series first episode with the Bible, world view, etc. under a mentor/teacher here in Denver. It was complete, ready to go, but I decided I wanted to tell the whole story myself and not hand over the rest to a writers’ room so I’ve written the whole story as a feature film.
I’m about to tackle the arduous task of cutting it down to the required number of pages. It will be like surgery and require a lot of discipline on my part but at least it’s all there on the cutting table.
Let me know where are you with your script? Is it ready to pitch?
Joan
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Hi Joan
Thanks so much for your reply. Good luck with the project, which sounds fascinating! You clearly have a passion for this genre… My script is done and, apart from perhaps one more round of editing, will be ready to go to market in the next few weeks, hence the need to polish up on my marketing!
All the best!
Richard David Becker
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This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by David Becker.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by
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Hi Richard,
Loglines, synopses, and query letters: the bane of a creative writer’s existence, where now we have to be ever more brief, squeeze out the essence, then figure out which essential part to stress and create an irresistible hook, each self-contained in one short sentence and part of the flow of the story.
Sometimes we are deafened by the excessive noise of our own story to hear what can be a hook if manipulated so by word choice or unexpected action. It took me a long time to distill my hooks because there are essential details that must be included to understand the story and, hence, the hooks. That’s not so. i’ve learned to be more profoundly broad to a core aspect of the piece.
I really enjoyed your story. Got Into it, actually, (it has a lot of potential) and did a little inventing of my own to exemplify what I think would be a stronger hook than your original, softer hook.
Hope the following inspires you.
Nick
COMMENTS ON YOUR ORIGINAL QUERY LETTER TO ME
Hi, _____,
I have PRECISE STRIKE, which is Black Widow meets Cape Fear.
[I don’t think you need to begin with this. Instead, use it in your email subject line and repeat it in your letter. I think it will capture a select producer more easily.]
Title: PRECISE STRIKE
[Curious: Why not “Precision Strike?” Does Precise have another meaning? Nonetheless, I think if you place an article before it, as in The Precise Strike, it gives it more specificity and creates a subtle layer curiosity about what it might be about and indicates that it’s more likely to be detailed-planned or built up. Just a passing thought.]
Genre: Action/Thriller
I’m going to kill them. I’m going to kill them all.
[First of all, you should have quotes if you’re quoting from the story, which I think you are, otherwise it’s just you talking out of context to begin the story context that doesn’t follow sequentially. Secondly, it’s a soft hook. There’s no empathy in the unknown: Who is I and who are them? No connection, yet.
Jessica is the sole survivor of a bio-weapon attack, but gets kicked out of the military.
[This sentence is confusing in that a sole survivor is an only survivor, so how can she get kicked out of the military? Clearer: Jessica is drummed out of the Navy after she alone survived a bio-weapon attack that wiped out her entire battalion.]
She hunts for the terrorists. Her resolve wavers when she meets her boyfriend from college and begins to work with him. Her doctors, who she doesn’t know are the terrorists, conspire against her and give her drugs to make her paranoid.
A whole lot of details here. Are they necessary? Brings up question Why is she being targeted like this?
Jessica viciously beats a co-worker she believes is a terrorist. But she has the wrong guy.
Consider: Jessica beats a coworker to death thinking she is a terrorist.
Now she’s a murderer!
Her doctor manipulates her and she goes to the mountains for rest.
Consider: Her boyfriend arranges an escape to a retreat in the mountains for her.
She discovers one of her doctors is a psychopath determined to experiment on her. They have a secret base to launch a bio-weapon drone on Washington. Before she can tell anyone they take her captive.
Consider: It’s there Jessica learns the truth: She’s a prisoner. That she unwittingly is a key part of an elaborate conspiracy plot to take over the world and create a global autocracy, and only she can stop it.
Can Jessica escape and stop the attack before thousands die?
Can Jessica use her immunity to save the world from succumbing to autocracy?
If you like the concept of PRECISE STRIKE, I’d be happy to send you the script.
RIchard Senne
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REVISED EMAIL QUERY FOR RICHARD:
Hi, _____,
Title: PRECISE STRIKE
Genre: Action/Thriller
Where Black Widow meets Cape Fear.
JESSICA survives a bio-chemical terrorist attack that wipes out her entire battalion only to find out she is immune to this bio-chemical. A manipulative doctor prescribes medications to control her PTSD resulting in Jessica stabbing a coworker to death thinking he was a terrorist.
Jessica is now wanted for a murder she don’t remember.
Her boyfriend, a concerned RESEARCH DOCTOR arranges a retreat in the mountains to help her. While at the retreat, Jessica learns that she plays a key part of an elaborate conspiracy to create a global autocracy, with one man at its head, and that man is her boyfriend scientist.
Can Jessica’s immunity save the world from succumbing to the world’s first AI autocracy?
If you like the concept of PRECISE STRIKE, I’d be happy to send you the script.
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ORIGINAL QUERY LETTER FROM RICHARD
Hi ________,
I have PRECISE STRIKE, which is Black Widow meets Cape Fear.
Title: PRECISE STRIKE
Genre: Action/ThrillerZZZ
I’m going to kill them. I’m going to kill them all.
Jessica is the sole survivor of a bio-weapon attack, but gets kicked out of the military. She hunts for the terrorists. Her resolve wavers when she meets her boyfriend from college and begins to work with him. Her doctors, who she doesn’t know are the terrorists, conspire against her and give her drugs to make her paranoid.
Jessica viciously beats a co-worker she believes is a terrorist. But she has the wrong guy.
Her doctor manipulates her and she goes to the mountains for rest. She discovers one of her doctors is a psychopath determined to experiment on her. They have a secret base to launch a bio-weapon drone on Washington. Before she can tell anyone they take her captive.
Can Jessica escape and stop the attack before thousands die?
If you like the concept of PRECISE STRIKE, I’d be happy to send you the script.
RIchard Senne
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Thank you, Nick. There is a lot to chew on here. I like your query letter, although that’s not the story that was written lol.
There is so much not discussed, it’s so hard to do this correctly. She is the sole survivor because she was a test subject as a child and she was altered. It’s an attack squad, not a battalion, of which some were attacking in a different area. She survived and the military discharges her on a medical discharge. She is a lifer and does not in any way want this. She’s a drone engineer, and her boyfriend owns a drone company. Her doctors are testing her blood and medicating her as they test her blood. The psychopath has a son dying from the bio-weapon and needs to find what is altered in her blood to save her son. She does not kill her co-worker, because that’s a whole other can of crap she would be in prison for life, yikes. I’ll skip all the other stuff and just say this, in the end she crashes the bio-weapon drone into the camp to kill the terrorists because she knows she will survive. There’s a whole lot more, but you know, it’s a whole story.
I do have a lot to go through in what you clarify and question. I really appreciate your time.
Peace be with you,
Richard Senne
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Richard,
Yeah. It’s tough to sort out. You just have to look at it from a different angle and wait for it. I’m posting my second attempt now. Let me know what you come up with. I’ll critique it, if you want.
Keep at it,
Nick
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Nick’s Query Letter Draft II
What I learnt: There’s still room to improve if you dwell on it under the mild influence of pot and Guinness.
SECOND NEAR-FINAL ATTEMPT AT A PERFECT QUERY LETTER
Hi _____,
Title: The Rogue of Connemara
Genre: Drama (one hour TV series)
It’s the Irish version of Roots.
English tyranny and famine plague mid-19th century Ireland. Into this dystopian environment we follow the eventful adventures in the life of MICHAEL MURPHY (26), a liberty-seeking, freedom-loving renaissance man, not given to following stupid rules and on the lam for murder. As Irish luck would have it,…
…he discovers a dead priest on the road and steals his identity.
He hides in plain sight from English authorities as a charismatic parish priest. One day he unwittingly hears his long-lost-lover’s confession, rekindling a strong desire for her. But he can’t tell her he’s not a priest without exposing himself as the sacrilegious fraud he is, and lose her. Then the blight hits; potato crops fail overnight.. The parish turns its collective head to him for their salvation.
What’s a wanted murderer posing as a priest to do? Be a shepherd or a wolf…or both?
BIO: Shortlist Finalist (one of five) in the Page Turner 2022 International Screenwriting Contest. Graduate of ScreenwritingU’s Master Certificate program.
FYI: My great grandfather emigrated from Dromtariff Parish, Cork, Ireland in 1850. I traveled there to search for my ancestral roots. Hence, this fascinating tale.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the pilot script and/or the series bible.
Sincerely,
Nick
Nick Walsh, Screenwriter
202 East Sycamore Street
St. Charles, Iowa 50240 USA
515.570.3580
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Nick,
There is perhaps more to be done from your perspective. From mine it looks so good. I think you’ve got this. It’s clear, except for one question for my curiosity, does he emigrate to America or stay in Ireland? I would say you nailed it.
I’ll get to mine, but things are a bit haywire here atm.
Richard Senne
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Richard Senne,
Thanks for the compliment on my Query letter. In answer to your question:
The latter half of the series takes place in America, where Michael goes on an odyssey to find his lover who had to leave Ireland without him, thinking he was dead. I’m glad you caught that. I was hoping producers would assume that, with the comparison to Roots—oppression, forced across the ocean to a foreign land, no rights, etc.
I’ve tried to include it without adding much more exposition. Hard to do without drifting onto another pathway. It took me a while to reduce the many choices I had to hearing his lover’s confession to find a really good hook and make the letter interesting. I just couldn’t broaden it to include his escape to Canada. BTW, his lover, Kathleen, lands in New Orleans at the height of the slave trade. They couldn’t be further apart. It takes him years and many adventures on both their parts to find each other. They finally marry and homestead new land that just opened up in Iowa after the expulsion of the Indians living there.
Keep me posted about your letter. It’s a perpetual work in progress.
Nick
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Richard Senne’s Query Letter Draft 2
What I learned: I’m learning a lot. What I learned most is I need to catch the attention of my target audience, who will immediately say, Action. And so I decided to keep the “I am going to kill them all.” line. When reading in the story it will not seem out of line at all, almost expected. So it stays.
Black Widow meets Cape Fear
Hi, _____,
Title: PRECISE STRIKE
Genre: Action/Thriller
“I’m going to kill them. I’m going to kill them all.”
How did Jessica survive the deadly bio-weapon attack that killed her team? No one knows, and she is discharged from the military, as unfit to perform. She hunts for the terrorists. But her her focus is disrupted when she begins to work for her old college boyfriend. Her doctors, who she doesn’t know are the terrorists, conspire against her and give her drugs to make her paranoid.
Jessica viciously beats a co-worker she believes is a terrorist. But she has the wrong guy.
Her doctor manipulates her and she goes to the mountains for rest. She discovers one of her doctors is the psychopath terrorist experimenting on her. They have a secret base to launch a bio-weapon drone on Washington. Before she can tell anyone they take her captive.
Can Jessica escape and stop the attack before thousands die?
If you like the concept of PRECISE STRIKE, I’d be happy to send you the script.
RIchard Senne
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This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by Richard Senne.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by
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Jenna’s Query Letter – Draft II (thanks for your helpful feedback on Draft I, Richard).
Hi ____,
I have the next SIXTEEN CANDLES, with Asian representation.
Title: STEALING BUDDHA’S DINNER (based on the Chicago Tribune “Best Book of the Year” by Bich Minh Nguyen)
Genre: Comedy
Bich Nguyen survived the fall of Saigon. Now she has to survive high school in America.
Bich’s plan? Beg, borrow, or steal the 80’s junk food, fashion, and music approved by 10/10 teens.
High school’s biggest night is almost here, and Bich needs a hail-Mary to make herself over into a normal American teen in time for the school dance. Asia’s biggest night is coming up too, and Bich’s dad needs to regain his Asian cred he lost when he came to America.
His plan? Beg, borrow, or steal to throw the wildest Lunar New Year party ever.
When a fire breaks out at Bich’s high school dance, and no one shows up at her dad’s party, for one night only can Bich and her dad join forces to “Make Asia Great Again?”
I’d be happy to send you the script if you like the concept.
All best,
Jenna Finwall Ryan
BIO: Jenna is an optioned screenwriter and has a Ph.D. in psychology. She did her doctoral internship at the FOX series LIE TO ME. While working in TV as a researcher, Jenna’s scripts have been finalists in contests like Script Pipeline and Scriptapalooza.
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What I learned from this Assignment Is: The goal is “getting them into the tent”: not telling too much, but just enough to get them excited about going into the tent and finding out what’s on the other side. What was useful for me is to invite the producer to associate with the protagonist, to invest in the drama.
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Richard,
“Keep in mind that the purpose of the QL is to HOOK THEM into requesting your script, not to give a detailed explanation of your story. Focus on the High Concept and the most interesting parts of your screenplay.”—[ Strategy*11:**Send*Out*Quality*Query*Letters*]
With that quote in mind, let’s see what we can do to your QL2 to sharpen the hooks.
“I’m going to kill them. I’m going to kill them all” still doesn’t make me want to nibble. Needs context. Think beginning hook, middle hook, ending hook as your story must naturally have, such as, the inciting incident being the initial hook. Think of telling your select portion of the story in three tiers of hooks and filling the spaces between them with the essential incidentals of that chosen story. Make sentences as short as possible.
From what I can glean from your letter, here’s a not so accurate example for you. Short with lots of white space.
Beginning hook: Corporal Jessica awakens to find everyone around her is dead.
Fill-in: Turns out, she’s the lone survivor of a top secret government bio experiment for selective genocide.
Middle hook: Her military handlers want to know why she didn’t die.
Fill-in: Her movements are controlled by drugs administered by a psychopathic doctor who heads a rogue unit secretly intent on a bio attack on Washington, D.C. potent enough to kill everything breathing in the area. But she has one thing they don’t have: immunity.
Ending hook: Can Jessica come out of her fog and stop the bio attack in time?
Hope this helps.
Good writing…
Nick
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