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Day 13 Assignments
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ASSIGNMENT – DAY 13
Subject: Alan loves separating character dialogue!
What I learned doing this assignment is…that separating character dialogue really helps with consistency of the dialogue for characters and helps distinguish their dialogue from one another. For example, I had three characters who combined, said the word “wait” ten times. I kept one character with “wait,” changed one to “hold on,” and the third to “stop.” I made a lot of minor dialogue changes for 17 different characters that in aggregate should make a big difference.
Character Name: JAY CROCKETT
Role: HERO / EVERYMAN
Core Character Traits:
– Smart
– Creative
– Smartass
– Thinks he’s funnyCharacter Subtext Logline: Will take any risk to save his loved ones.
DIALOGUE CHANGED:
BEFORE: I’ve got to talk to Lacy first. See her face to face. I’ll do that as soon as we get back to Denver.
AFTER: Got to talk to Lacy first. Face to face. Soon as we get back to Denver.
BEFORE: I’m so sorry, Erin.
AFTER: So sorry, Erin.
BEFORE: He was always a cheap deadbeat dad to Mom and me.
AFTER: Always a cheap never-there deadbeat to Mom and me. Always cheap.
BEFORE: What’s the plan?
AFTER: What’s the plan, Dan the Man?
BEFORE: No. The FBI tracked her to a sex trafficking website. She’s been abducted. Being sold to the highest bidder.
AFTER: No. FBI tracked her to a sex trafficking website. Abducted. Being sold to the highest bidder.
BEFORE: (Erin said this – now Jay has the final line in the script.)
AFTER: Actually, legally marry you?
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Alan Larson.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by
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PAT LOVES SEPARATING CHARACTER DIALOGUE
What I learned doing this assignment is to add shading according to character mindset.
Character Profile: Dennis Wiley
Obsessive
Authoritarian
Compassionate
Lonely
BEFORE
DENNIS
An ounce of prevention.
A small clock chimes the hour. The phone rings. Dennis activates the line with a bare glance at the caller ID.
DENNIS (CONT’D)
This is Dennis. Is there an emergency, Mrs Cassidy?
MOM CASSIDY (V.O.)
Oh Dennis, it’s dreadful. Horrible. That Sam is useless. I think I’m having a heart attack.
Dennis flicks a questioning glance at Sam in the mirror. Sam mimes a sign of the cross and exits.
Quick fingers bring up the Cassidy house monitors.
On MONITOR – Mom perfectly healthy on the kitchen landline.
DENNIS
Shall I call an ambulance?
MOM CASSIDY (V.O.)
Call an ambulance. Call the National Guard. While you’re at it call a caterer. That girl is bringing a date home for supper.
DENNIS
Ah. Without warning I suppose.
MOM CASSIDY (V.O.)
Just now. Four hours. What am I supposed to do in four hours?
DENNIS
That depends on whether you intend to encourage or discourage this man. Do we know him?
ON MONITOR – Mom rolls her eyes even as she opens a cookbook.
MOM CASSIDY (V.O.)
Some gigolo from work. I’ll just wager they’re sizing up this house. Everyone wants my house.
Dennis brings up multiple room cameras. His face lights with his own yearning.
DENNIS
Well, we can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear now, can we? A dutiful daughter would have more respect for her mother.
MOM CASSIDY (V.O.)
A pot roast I think. Something with gravy I can pour out to show who’s boss. I have to get busy now.
DENNIS
Going to passive mode.
He disconnects the call, lingers over cutting the other monitors. Finally stops the feed and picks up an Architecture Magazine featuring a similar Gothic mansion.
AFTER:
INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – DENNIS’ CUBICLE – DAY
Three monitors with different rooms keep Dennis’ eyes moving. He thumbs on a fresh call, bringing up a new scene.
DENNIS
This is Dennis. What is your emergency, Mrs. Cassidy?
INTERCUT WITH:
INT. MOM’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY
Mom Cassidy putters around on a land-line with a long cord.
MOM CASSIDY
That girl is bringing a date home for supper.
DENNIS
Ah. Without warning I suppose.
MOM CASSIDY
Just now. Like I’m some magician who can whip up a dinner party in four hours.
Dennis smiles, ready to engage with her, never losing focus on his other clients.
DENNIS
That depends on whether you intend to encourage or discourage this man. Do we know him?
Mom rolls her eyes even as she opens a cookbook.
MOM CASSIDY
Some salesman at her office. Engaged, mind you. Didn’t ask my opinion. Just showed up with a ring. I know she’s bringing him here to size up the house. They’ll put me away and take my house.
She slams the book shut, peers out her windows for trouble.
MOM CASSIDY (CONT’D)
It’s all one conspiracy, and that Sam is in on it. Do you know what he told me? Cut back my trees.
DENNIS
Now, now. That is sound advice. Keeping the landscaping trimmed makes for less cover for intruders.
He switches to an exterior Cassidy camera to check the front door garden area.
MOM CASSIDY
But that means gardeners. Who knows what they would be up to.
DENNIS
We’re getting off subject. You were complaining about Miss Monica bringing home company for dinner.
Rosemary’s rising panic ebbs. She returns to the cookbook.
DENNIS (CONT’D)
We both know a dutiful daughter would have more respect. But we can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, now can we?
MOM CASSIDY
She’s just like my mother, always with a criticism, never a thought for my feelings.
DENNIS (V.O.)
That is so sad. On the bright side, you could always spill coffee on him should the need arise.
Only half paying attention as she pages through the book, Mom Cassidy nods.
MOM CASSIDY
A chicken fricassee. I haven’t done that in a long time. You’re wonderful as always, Dennis. Good bye.
Without waiting for a reply she hangs up the phone, really focuses on the book.
INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – DENNIS’ CUBICLE – DAY
Dennis shrugs off the abrupt cut off, attention already riveting on action on one of his monitors.
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Subject title: Erica loves separating character dialogue!
What I learned doing this assignment is…If screenwriting entails action and reaction, then this exercise punches up just how much a line of dialogue grows organically from the line that precedes it. I’ve learned to punch up the dialogue by visualizing the way one character’s dialogue bounces off the other’s. (Just FYI, re Critique: I followed Hal’s directions to go through every line of the character’s dialogue, but it’s probably too long, so I’m happy with however much you can do. Thanks!)
——————Begin Character Profile————————–
Character Name: Julia Kogan
Role: Lead Female
Core Character Traits:
– Curious
– Stubborn
– Quick temper
– Cares deeply about people
Character Subtext Logline: Julia’s quick temper and sense of fairness propel her into dangerous situations.
——————End Character Profile————————–
DIALOGUE CHANGES:
BEFORE: You’re much too kind, Abel.
AFTER: I’m not sure I can live up to your expectations, Abel.
BEFORE: I… I don’t know what to say.
AFTER: From your lips to God’s ears.
BEFORE: It’s… it’s beautiful. But I can’t accept —
AFTER: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful!
BEFORE: I’m honored. But I don’t deserve –
AFTER: I feel so honored. Even if I don’t deserve it.
BEFORE: “If anything ever happens to me, this will give you answers.” Abel, what do you mean?
AFTER: “If anything ever happens to me, this will give you answers.” Abel, you’re worrying me.
BEFORE: Thank you so much, Maestro.
AFTER: My humblest thanks, Maestro Trudeau.
BEFORE: Don’t touch me!
AFTER: Stay away from me!
BEFORE: I hate you!
AFTER: Tyrannical cop!
BEFORE: Who could have done this? Who?
AFTER: He was like a father to me. Now he’s gone.
BEFORE: That’s the cop who ordered that Officer to drag me away from Abel. Bastard.
AFTER: There’s that arrogant cop again. Those bastards are all the same.
BEFORE: It’s not just that, Sid. I’m worried that he’ll find out you left the pit just before Abel was…was…
AFTER: But what if he finds out you left the pit just before Abel was—
BEFORE: Of course not.
AFTER: You know me better than that. But I’m worried that–
BEFORE: He’s like a brother to me. That close. Close enough to know he couldn’t kill Abel.
AFTER: Close enough to know he didn’t kill Abel.
BEFORE: I heard you arguing with Abel.
AFTER: What was that argument with Abel about?
BEFORE: During the last act, while you were out of the pit, I saw something. Coming from the direction of the Viewing Room!
AFTER: I saw something coming from the direction of the Viewing Room just before Abel was—
BEFORE: Well…I do feel tired.
AFTER: But I’m not tired!
BEFORE: No thanks, Sid. I’ll be okay.
AFTER: You don’t have to be such a mother hen.
BEFORE: That same dissonance. He can’t have meant it to sound like that. What was he thinking?
AFTER: It still sounds wrong. It’s not like Abel to make mistakes. What could he have meant by it?
BEFORE: Really? She fed me for twelve years at Abel’s behest.
AFTER: After feeding me for twelve years at Abel’s behest?
BEFORE: Could you do something for me, K?
AFTER: K…I need a favor.
BEFORE: Isn’t it beautiful? Abel gave it to me the night he died, for my…
AFTER: Have you ever seen anything so beautiful? Abel has exquisite taste. He gave it to me for my…
BEFORE: I know you do, Charles. And I appreciate it.
AFTER: That’s thoughtful of you. Thanks, Charles.
BEFORE: Sid? A murderer? Those cops don’t know anything! I hate them!
AFTER: Sid? A murderer? God, I hate cops.
BEFORE: They’re not going to get away with this. I’m going to find out who really killed Abel. The hell with cops.
AFTER: The hell with them. I’m going to find out who really killed Abel. On my own.
BEFORE: I don’t know yet. But I’m not going to stand by and let Sid be accused unjustly. I’ll prove them wrong!
AFTER: I don’t care how. I’ll prove Sid is being wrongly accused. That’s all that matters.
BEFORE: I don’t care! It’s Sid, Katie. Our Sid. I’ll do whatever it takes to prove he’s innocent.
AFTER: I don’t care how risky it is. Sid is too important to us to just stand by and do nothing. I’ll do whatever it takes.
BEFORE: Katie Ma! I’m surprised at you. Sid’s like a brother– to both of us. Don’t you care what happens to him?
AFTER: Sid’s like a brother– to both of us. I won’t trust his life to some arrogant NYPD cop. He believed in my talent just like Abel did. He fought for me to get this job.
BEFORE: Sid treated us both like royalty when we joined the orchestra, showed us how to practice all the most difficult violin passages. He’s always there for us, lets us cry on his shoulder when we’re having a crisis.
AFTER: Sid showed us all the ropes. Gave us a shoulder to cry on when the going got tough. Isn’t that worth something?
BEFORE: Doesn’t matter. I know Sid. So do you. Better than the cops ever can. I just need to think of some way to show them he’s innocent. And that means finding the real killer.
AFTER: We both know Sid better than any cop could. I’ll think of something. I’ll find Abel’s real killer. On Mozart’s glorious name, I swear it!
BEFORE: Abel’s song! He gave it to me as a clue, a warning. That’s how we’re going to get Sid out of this mess. And find out who really killed Abel.
AFTER: Wait a minute! Abel’s song—he said if anything happened to him, I’d find answers in there. That’s the key to clearing Sid’s name.
BEFORE: Abel said the song contained a warning that something might happen to him.
AFTER: Abel did it on purpose. It’s a clue.
BEFORE: There’s a clue in here somewhere, I just know it. And I’ll find it.
AFTER: I’m not going to stop until I find that clue, even if it takes all night.
BEFORE: It’ll turn up eventually. You help me figure out what I’m missing on the first one.
AFTER: First let’s figure out page one. We’ll deal with page two when it turns up.
BEFORE: I was up half the night trying to play it. It sounds all wrong.
AFTER: It sounds all wrong. I was up half the night trying to figure out why.
BEFORE: Seriously, Matt, he needs your help. I need your help.
AFTER: How can you joke at a time like this? Sid needs your help. Desperately.
BEFORE: I’m sorry to hear that. But I really need your help to find out who framed him.
AFTER: That’s a bummer. But you’re the only one who can help me find out who framed him.
BEFORE: It’s got to be soon. Another night in The Tombs and Sid may never recover.
AFTER: This can’t wait! Sid will never survive another night in The Tombs.
BEFORE: That damned cop who made the other cop drag me away from Abel.
AFTER: Same damned cop.
BEFORE: I don’t just think so. I know he is. Sid’s not capable of violence.
AFTER: Of course he is. He wouldn’t hurt a newborn chick, let alone shoot a rifle.
BEFORE: What? Why would Patricia want to see me?
AFTER: What could she possibly want from me?
BEFORE: I’m sorry, but the… the door was open, so I—
AFTER: The door was open. Or was I hallucinating?
BEFORE: People go backstage all the time. Who said I was interfering?
AFTER: People hang out backstage all the time. Why is it a problem if I do?
BEFORE: Don’t you know you can terminally scare someone like that?
AFTER: Are you intentionally trying to scare the crap out of me?
BEFORE: Okay, you win. It’s that cop again. He told me Sid is supplying drugs to company members.
AFTER: That self-righteous cop told me Sid is supplying drugs to company members!
BEFORE: Don’t worry about it, Charles.
AFTER: You don’t owe me anything, Charles.
BEFORE: Q at K2 — checkmate? That’s not how Abel left it. Who did this? The killer?
AFTER: Q at K2. Checkmate. I’m sure Abel didn’t leave it that way. But who did?
BEFORE: I can’t do it, K.
Play tonight. After everything that’s happened –
AFTER: I can’t do play tonight, K. Not after everything that’s happened.
BEFORE: I’m anything but okay, Charles. I’m too upset to perform tonight.
AFTER: Anything but, Charles.
BEFORE: Okay, Charles, you win, I’ll be there. But it would really help if you’d bring the first page of the song.
AFTER: I’ll make you a deal. I’ll be there if you bring the first page of the song.
BEFORE: But I know Don Giovanni inside out and backwards.
AFTER: Don Giovanni? Only Mozart knows it better than I do.
BEFORE: No clue. He did seem friendlier than usual before the show, though.
AFTER: If he wants to make nice all of a sudden, he’s got another thing coming.
BEFORE: Every time I close my eyes, I see Matt, just lying there.
AFTER: I can’t close my eyes without seeing Matt. Lying there.
BEFORE: Sid! I’ve got to tell him. He’ll be so upset! Oh no, where’s my phone?
AFTER: Oh my God, Sid is going to be devastated! How am I going to tell him?
BEFORE: How is that possible? Those bastards!
AFTER: Bastards!
BEFORE: Don’t. Something terrible will happen to you if you try to get close to me.
AFTER: No! If you try to get close to me, something disastrous will happen to you.
BEFORE: If it’s about Sid’s arrest, I already know.
AFTER: I already know about Sid’s arrest.
BEFORE: How can you say that? I trust him, and he trusts me.
AFTER: He’s never taken advantage of me. You, on the other hand…
BEFORE: Nothing. I’ve tried playing it and it sounds all wrong. But I still haven’t figured out why.
AFTER: I’ve tried playing it and it sounds all wrong. That’s as far as I’ve gotten.
BEFORE: (Are you sure you left it there?) Yes, I distinctly remember stuffing it in.
AFTER: I’m too young to have memory loss. Unlike you.
BEFORE: What if I help you find out who it is? The prime suspect?
AFTER: Then I’m the one who should help you find out who it was. The prime suspect.
BEFORE: But I’ve learned a lot about this opera house since I’ve been here, and the people in it. I can get them to talk to me in ways that you can’t.
AFTER: But I know more about this opera house and the people in it than you could ever know. I can talk to them on their level in ways that you can’t. No offense.
BEFORE: I just wanted to show how much I appreciate you.
AFTER: In case you had any doubts that I appreciate you.
BEFORE: Thank you, Detective.
AFTER: You’re not so bad after all, Detective.
BEFORE: She has access to our locker room, and every other corner of the opera house. Her megalomania is notorious, and Abel interfered with it. She might have wanted him out of the way so she could be the undisputed boss.
AFTER: She has access to every corner of the opera house. She’s a notorious megalomaniac. Maybe she wanted Abel out of the way so she could reign supreme.
BEFORE: I overslept. I need you to bring over Abel’s song asap. But just FYI, I… I’m not home, I… I spent the night at Larry’s.
AFTER: I overslept. Listen, I need you to bring Abel’s song to Larry’s apartment. I spent the night there.
BEFORE: He didn’t think it was safe for me at home after the incident last night…on 65th Street.
AFTER: I couldn’t exactly sleep at home after the incident on 65<sup>th</sup> Street last night.
BEFORE: How can you say that? It’s obviously a wrong note that Abel put in to bring attention to something important.
AFTER: But it’s so out of place. You must have heard it too. Abel planted it there for a reason.
BEFORE: Yes, I know. I’m an opera musician, remember? There’s hardly an opera that doesn’t have “Coraggio” in it.
AFTER: Duh. What opera musician doesn’t know “Coraggio”?
BEFORE: It’s the only one I’ve got left. If I don’t figure it out now, I never will.
AFTER: It’s the last one. And my last chance to get to the bottom of Abel’s message from beyond the grave.
BEFORE: It can’t be!
AFTER: No! It’s not possible!
BEFORE: Sneaking up on people is a very bad habit, Larry –
AFTER: When are you going to stop sneaking up on me, Larry?
BEFORE: “Business?” What do you mean?
AFTER: “Business?” What “Business?”
BEFORE: Charles, stop, this is insane!
AFTER: Charles, for Gods’ sake. Are you insane?
BEFORE: Enough already. You don’t have to keep saying that.
AFTER: Stop. You’re making me blush.
BEFORE: You already told me. Very hot.
AFTER: Yes, I know. Very hot.
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Assignment Day 13 – Critique of Erica’s Separated Character Dialogue
Hi, Erica,
Wow. You really put the work in on this one. Great job. I think you improved lots of Julia’s dialogue. These two stood out to me and great improvements:
Tyrannical cop!
Only Mozart knows it better than I do.
Keep up the great work,
– alan
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Thank you so much, Alan. As always, your comments mean a great deal. I have a long way to go, but you are giving me courage and smiles.
Erica
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Hi Alan,
Much improved, but I would like to see at least one more character trait in Jay’s lines. Smartass for sure, but the idea of his thinking he’s funny I think would punch things up a bit, add some color. Thoughts?
Erica
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Posted to course number 74
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Bob Onufer. Reason: Posted to wrong course version
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by
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