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Day 6 Assignments
Post your assignment by replying here.
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49 Replies
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Rewrite of QE Cycle 1
EXT. AFRICAN SWAMP – DAY
ROBERT, a beaver, swims, dragging an oversized, neon pink Hippo Manicure set up to TRENT, a male hippo.
ROBERT
There you are. I’ve been looking all over for you. I got you the perfect gift.
Trent looks at the Hippo Manicure set.
TRENT
Hey, just what I was looking for! Does it come in black?
ROBERT
Black? I’m sorry, I thought you’d like this color. I can exchange it if you want.
Trent, with the manicure set, swims a little away from Robert and blows some bubbles through his massive nostrils.
TRENT
Robert, no worries. Pink is fine. I just worry about it attracting the wrong kind of crowd, you know what I mean?
ROBERT
Yeah, yeah.
Robert reaches for the manicure set. Trent doesn’t release it.
ROBERT
Really, give it back. I can exchange it.
Trent releases it, sending Trent splashing backwards several feet.
TRENT
Robert, you’re such a great friend. How long has it been?
Robert resurfaces and shakes his head.
ROBERT
What?
TRENT
Our friendship. How long have we been friends?
ROBERT
I think five days.
TRENT
That’s all? It just seems longer, you know, bro-sky!
ROBERT
Today makes it six.
Trent swims the other way to avoid hitting another hippo.
TRENT
I tried texting you last night. Ten times. What’s up?
ROBERT
Birthday shopping. Had to get my bestie the best gift.
TRENT
(sardonically)
Neon pink.
ROBERT
(apologetically)
Sorry, I will exchange it. Really.
TRENT
No, no. Don’t let it bother you that you couldn’t get the color right. (Beat) Were you alone?
ROBERT
Alone? Alone where?
TRENT
Getting my neon pink birthday gift.
ROBERT
Uh, does it matter?
TRENT
Since Carrots showed up, well, you know. I don’t see you around too much.
ROBERT
Carrots and I arrived on the same day. Don’t you remember?
TRENT
Hey, I’m a hippo not an elephant.
ROBERT
Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you.
TRENT
Brutus swam by the other day. Said he heard that I planned to steal his swamp and his cows to build my hippo empire. Do you know where he might have heard that?
ROBERT
(confused)
Brutus? Brutus? I don’t remember meeting a Brutus.
TRENT
(chuckles)
Well, I guess you don’t recall because you are a beaver not an elephant.
ROBERT
(shaky laugh)
Yeah, yeah. Funny.
TRENT
Raphe showed up, too, all agitated and upset. Someone told him I was cutting him off. That he was going to have to find water somewhere else.
ROBERT
Raphe? Is he that lion with that huge head of hair who has a bunch of lionesses on his trail?
TRENT
That be the one.
ROBERT
Never met him.
Trent plunges down into the water and resurfaces, flicking his ears.
TRENT
Croc heard a rumor that I was going to start charging a toll. He has a big family. It would cost him a fortune to cross my swamp. Any idea where he got that information?
ROBERT
That’s terrible. Who would spread such malicious untruths?
TRENT
I dunno, but it makes me feel real sad.
Trent closes his eye.
TRENT
I got an appointment right now.
ROBERT
I’m sorry to bother you. I’ll go. Maybe we can get together later?
TRENT
No! I want you to join me. It’s my daily manicure time. You’ll love it.
ROBERT
Nah, that’s not my thing.
Trent pulls a shocked Robert below the surface. A large school of Barbel fish swarm around Robert, who screams, but it only results in a gurgle of bubbles.
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Hi Carol,
I loved both versions you posted. So creative!! 🙂 My thoughts are that, at least the way I read it, I didn’t see any gregarious side of Robert. That might add a nice cool layer to your scene. Also, I didn’t see the needy side of Trent.
Trent holds the upper had for most of the scene so maybe a major twist can be that Robert has called in the goons and ends up beating up Trent.
Keep up the great work!! I’m a fan. 🙂
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Thank you! I will read your script. I’m in the middle of another novel I’m writing. I’m excited to check out your work.
Cheers!
Carol Paur
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This version was way funnier. I’m still giggling. I think you hit many of the criteria. I love that there was some foreboding with the bubbles. You have Trent blowing bubbles in the opening and then Robert’s last thing is blowing bubbles. Although there was comedy, it did not overshadow and the undercurrent of fear that Robert has was felt by me. He seemed very fidgety and not in a “beaver” way.
I can agree with Elle that I didn’t notice a neediness with Trent, he felt more passive aggressive. I also don’t feel that Robert’s gregariousness came out. It was stated that he spoke to all the other animals but in the scene he’s only talking to Trent. He could try talking to one or two other animals and ignoring Trents questions about the rumors. Thank you for the fun read! I’m still smiling.
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I’m impressed by your creativity as to place and characters. I fun banter between the characters highlighted the differences between hippos and beavers while revealing subtext. The one thing missing (I now see I’m guilty of the same thing) is Robert’s gregariousness, social butterfly, hail fellow well met. Adding the trait in action rather than revealed in dialog might add even more fun to your script.
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This is very cute and fun. What I’m noticing with most of the writers (and I’ve gotten the same critique) is issues with integrating the character traits as laid out by Hal. It seems to be hit and miss for many people. Or the traits are done too subtlely for the reader to pick up on. Again, overall this is very cute and inventive. Nice job Carol!
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This version is way better than the first. There is more characterization and the storyline is much more engaging with its twists, turns, reveals, and surprises.
Sandra
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Rebecca’s Rewrite, Cycle 1 Scene
Exchange
INT. ROADHOUSE BAR – DAY
1948, roadhouse bar in the south Jersey pine barrens along the main route between Philadelphia and Atlantic City. Trent, immaculately dressed, expensive pants, shirt, and shoes, waits at a table. Two locals sit at the other end of the bar, otherwise the place looks empty. The bartender, a body builder, moves in close to Trent and the two converse in inaudible whispers. Robert enters. Trent hails him to the table. Trent looks stern. Robert covers up his worry with small talk.
ROBERT
Nice car out front. Yours?
Trent nonchalant.
TRENT
The Alfa Romeo? Yes, of course, it’s mine. It can go up to 150mph, not that I need speed like that.
Robert lets out a long whistle.
TRENT
Sit.
The two men sit opposite. Robert scans the bar.
ROBERT
What did you want to see me about? Why here?
Trent forces a smile.
TRENT
Sorry about my blow up earlier, a bad day. This is midway, remote, expensive top shelf in the back room for special customers.
Robert remains cautious.
ROBERT
So, does that describe you?
Trent ignores the comment and hails the bartender, JACK.
TRENT
Jack, a drink for Robert here. Put it on my tab.
Jack ambles over, no hurry.
JACK
What can I get you?
ROBERT
Got something other than beer?
Jack makes a grand gesture towards the shelf behind the bar, acts the smart ass, half bow and mocking voice.
JACK
What would be your desire?
ROBERT
Single malt on the rocks.
Robert, a sheepish smile, looks towards Trent.
ROBERT
With Trent buying, make that top shelf.
Jack leaves. Trent stares at Robert, represses his anger, SHOWTIME.
TRENT
The report? Anything to celebrate?
Jack places the scotch in front of Robert and a glass of soda water mixed with ginger ale in front of Trent. Robert glances toward the locals and talks in code.
ROBERT
Depends on how you look at it. The competition, knocked out of the game. That gives our investment a clear field to corner the market.
The two locals take their beers outside. With no action at the bar, Jack wipes down tables.
TRENT
I saw in the paper that Joe Bilbo’s been outed as a Red, taken in for questioning.
Robert shrugs, feigns ignorance.
TRENT
Bilbo, the bouncer at Clicquot Club in Atlantic City? That is, until he lost his job.
Robert ponders his answer.
ROBERT
I don’t really know. I’ve only been to the club a couple of times. Never met him.
Trent sips his drink and leans back on his chair.
TRENT
You did. I introduced you.
Robert looks at the floor, repositions in the chair.
ROBERT
I’ve never been good with names.
TRENT
One thing about Bilbo, he never forgot a face or a name. Especially the ones in his black book of embarrassing situations. He never hesitated to use that information as influence.
Trent winks at Robert and smiles.
ROBERT
Thinking on it, yes, I remember him.
TRENT
I wonder what genius turned him in? Great timing for us.
Trent smiles and chuckles. Robert grows bolder.
ROBERT
Random timing, I don’t think so. More like meticulous planning.
TRENT
I agree, brilliant plot, something I might do. Competition gone and we get to step in and caulk it up to blind luck. Too bad I didn’t think of it. Whoever did, kudos to them.
Robert smiles, proud of his work. Trent chuckles and clinks his glass against Robert’s.
ROBERT
Thank you for the complement. I got the job done with no link to either of us.
Trent feigns surprise.
TRENT
You? No, not you. You’re not that cunning.
Robert sits up straighter, more confident, sly smile.
ROBERT
There’s a lot about me that you don’t know.
He downs his drink and signals for another.
TRENT
Forget the cheap stuff. Jack, break out the special scotch from the back room. Robert and me need to celebrate a victory.
Jack slips into the door behind the bar and returns with a pre-war bottle. He places it on the table his hand on the neck.
JACK
Want me to pour?
Trent puts his hand over Jack’s.
TRENT
No need, leave the bottle.
Trent pours and he and Robert down a few glasses.
ROBERT
What about the reward you promised?
TRENT
First tell me how you pulled it off, details.
Robert emboldened by alcohol itches to brag about his expertise.
ROBERT
You know Frank, the guy from Trieste who owns the grocery near the docks in Philly?
TRENT
I know him well.
ROBERT
I hinted about a close mutual friend of Bilbo being a card carrying Red. Frank didn’t deny it. Antonio Sabitini was in the store at the time and overheard the conversation.
Trent drums his manicured finger nails against the table.
TRENT
Interesting, but if Bilbo’s friend is the one I’m thinking of, why not just out Bilbo as a homosexual?
Jack finishes wiping the table next to them.
ROBERT
Why? Fingering him as a communist worked better.
TRENT
You outed him to Frank who is a Communist. Why Bilbo?
The two locals return for a refill of beer. Robert lowers his voice.
ROBERT
Because of his closeness with the competition and the governor’s mistress.
TRENT
Not sure where all this will lead. But, your brilliant work needs a suitable reward.
Trent gets up from the table as does Robert. He pats Robert on the back.
TRENT
Lots more good things in the back room. You ready? Follow me.
Robert struts as he follows Trent to behind the bar. Trent opens the door; Robert freezes.
TRENT
Come Robert, your reward awaits.
Looking through the open door, Robert stares at the man seated at A table.
ROBERT
Changed my mind.
The two patrons, both holding guns, grab Robert and escort Robert inside to meet Bruno, second in command to Joe Ida, mafia boss in Philly and South Jersey.
TRENT
No need to kill him for being a dumb shit. Robert didn’t realize that he put the Feds onto Nan DeMar and her connection to Ida. I’d love to take the first punch but don’t want to mess up my manicure.
Robert screams. Jack shuts the door.
Jack
Trent, finish up the scotch. Take it with you.
Trent picks up the bottle and saunters out the door. Through the open window we see Trent get into a 1942 Ford Coupe.
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By putting some context with the year and the car was choice. It made the scene more intriguing. I could feel Trent’s neediness for the information, and validation for his faux expensive lifestyle. Robert’s tone was more belligerent than gregarious, it didn’t seem like he was expecting shines from the other patrons. One thing that pulled me out of the scene was the locals going outside. I feel if the locals stayed in the bar and kept getting closer and closer to their conversation it would add even more danger and a sense of creepiness. I think the scene has the feel of some kind of doom coming to Robert, and it seems like at the right moment Trent starts to really feign interest in Robert. It’s still a big twist when he gets in the Ford in the end. Nice! Really fun read. Thank you!
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Exchange
INT. ROADHOUSE BAR – DAY
1948, roadhouse bar in the south Jersey pine barrens along the main route between Philadelphia and Atlantic City. Trent, immaculately dressed, expensive pants, shirt, and shoes, waits at a table. Two locals sit at the other end of the bar, otherwise the place looks empty. The bartender, a body builder, moves in close to Trent and the two converse in inaudible whispers. Robert enters. Trent hails him to the table. Trent looks stern. Robert covers up his worry with small talk.
ROBERT
Nice car out front. Yours?
Trent nonchalant.
TRENT
The Alfa Romeo? Yes, of course, it’s mine. It can go up to 150mph, not that I need speed like that.
Robert lets out a long whistle.
TRENT
Sit.
The two men sit opposite. Robert scans the bar.
ROBERT
What did you want to see me about? Why here?
Trent forces a smile.
TRENT
Sorry about my blow up earlier, a bad day. This is midway, remote, expensive top shelf in the back room for special customers.
Robert remains cautious.
ROBERT
So, does that describe you?
Trent ignores the comment and hails the bartender, JACK.
TRENT
Jack, a drink for Robert here. Put it on my tab.
Jack ambles over, no hurry.
JACK
What can I get you?
ROBERT
Got something other than beer?
Jack makes a grand gesture towards the shelf behind the bar, acts the smart ass, half bow and mocking voice.
JACK
What would be your desire?
ROBERT
Single malt on the rocks.
Robert, a sheepish smile, looks towards Trent.
ROBERT
With Trent buying, make that top shelf.
Jack leaves. Trent stares at Robert, represses his anger, SHOWTIME.
TRENT
The report? Anything to celebrate?
Jack places the scotch in front of Robert and a glass of soda water mixed with ginger ale in front of Trent. Robert glances toward the locals and talks in code.
ROBERT
Depends on how you look at it. The competition, knocked out of the game. That gives our investment a clear field to corner the market.
The two locals take their beers outside. With no action at the bar, Jack wipes down tables. (Good setup)
TRENT
I saw in the paper that Joe Bilbo’s been outed as a Red, taken in for questioning.
Robert shrugs, feigns ignorance.
TRENT
Bilbo, the bouncer at Clicquot Club in Atlantic City? That is, until he lost his job.
Robert ponders his answer.
ROBERT
I don’t really know. I’ve only been to the club a couple of times. Never met him.
Trent sips his drink and leans back on his chair.
TRENT
You did. I introduced you.
Robert looks at the floor, repositions in the chair.
ROBERT
I’ve never been good with names.
TRENT
One thing about Bilbo, he never forgot a face or a name. Especially the ones in his black book of embarrassing situations. He never hesitated to use that information as influence. (Love this – something is coming down the pike)
Trent winks at Robert and smiles.
ROBERT
Thinking on it, yes, I remember him.
TRENT
I wonder what genius turned him in? Great timing for us.
Trent smiles and chuckles. Robert grows bolder.
ROBERT
Random timing, I don’t think so. More like meticulous planning.
TRENT
I agree, brilliant plot, something I might do. Competition gone and we get to step in and caulk it up to blind luck. Too bad I didn’t think of it. Whoever did, kudos to them.
Robert smiles, proud of his work. Trent chuckles and clinks his glass against Robert’s.
ROBERT
Thank you for the complement. I got the job done with no link to either of us.
Trent feigns surprise.
TRENT
You? No, not you. You’re not that cunning.
Robert sits up straighter, more confident, sly smile.
ROBERT
There’s a lot about me that you don’t know.
He downs his drink and signals for another.
TRENT
Forget the cheap stuff. Jack, break out the special scotch from the back room. Robert and me need to celebrate a victory.
Jack slips into the door behind the bar and returns with a pre-war bottle. He places it on the table his hand on the neck. (I love this – pre-war bottle.)
JACK
Want me to pour?
Trent puts his hand over Jack’s.
TRENT
No need, leave the bottle.
Trent pours and he and Robert down a few glasses.
ROBERT
What about the reward you promised?
TRENT
First tell me how you pulled it off, details.
Robert emboldened by alcohol itches to brag about his expertise.
ROBERT
You know Frank, the guy from Trieste who owns the grocery near the docks in Philly?
TRENT
I know him well.
ROBERT
I hinted about a close mutual friend of Bilbo being a card carrying Red. Frank didn’t deny it. Antonio Sabitini was in the store at the time and overheard the conversation.
Trent drums his manicured finger nails against the table.
TRENT
Interesting, but if Bilbo’s friend is the one I’m thinking of, why not just out Bilbo as a homosexual?
Jack finishes wiping the table next to them.
ROBERT
Why? Fingering him as a communist worked better.
TRENT
You outed him to Frank who is a Communist. Why Bilbo?
The two locals return for a refill of beer. Robert lowers his voice.
ROBERT
Because of his closeness with the competition and the governor’s mistress.
TRENT
Not sure where all this will lead. But, your brilliant work needs a suitable reward.
Trent gets up from the table as does Robert. He pats Robert on the back.
TRENT
Lots more good things in the back room. You ready? Follow me.
Robert struts as he follows Trent to behind the bar. Trent opens the door; Robert freezes.
TRENT
Come Robert, your reward awaits.
Looking through the open door, Robert stares at the man seated at A table. (Maybe instead of man – write Robert stares at BRUNO, second in command to Joe Ida… I think it would make the scene more powerful since it’s a screenplay, not a book, where we can be more subtle).
ROBERT
Changed my mind.
The two patrons, both holding guns, grab Robert and escort Robert inside to meet Bruno, second in command to Joe Ida, mafia boss in Philly and South Jersey. (This can be cut if you insert this earlier)
TRENT
No need to kill him for being a dumb shit. Robert didn’t realize that he put the Feds onto Nan DeMar and her connection to Ida. I’d love to take the first punch but don’t want to mess up my manicure.
Robert screams. Jack shuts the door.
Jack
Trent, finish up the scotch. Take it with you.
Trent picks up the bottle and saunters out the door. Through the open window we see Trent get into a 1942 Ford Coupe.
I added comments throughout the script. Here’s what else I have to say: I like the banter and the subtext you work into this scene. I like how the bartender and the other two patrons seem innocent enough until it’s time to take out Robert. Some things I wondered – what is the essence of this scene? I figured out that Robert revealed information to the wrong sources but I could not connect how his “outing” Bilbo as a Red did this. Like you mentioned in your response to me, I think you’re right about Robert not being gregarious enough (however, truth be told, if I was working for the mafia, I’d be pretty solemn). Maybe Robert enters and tries to “cheer up” Trent. He tells him all the good things they should be happy about – you can work in subtext. I think you could trim down the dialogue. Get right to the point – or add deeper meaning to each thing they say. Good job. Thank you for sharing.
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Rewrite, with improvements
INT. A BAR – NIGHT
The MUSIC PUMPS and lights swirl. It’s hard to have a conversation with the noise, so patrons yell at each other. TRENT, 40s, sits alone at the bar, swiping through his phone. Its screen provides 50% of the light in the room.
SAM, 20s, a shirtless bartender, notices Trent’s empty drink.
SAM
Another beer, Sir?
Trent, startled, looks up and eyes the bartender.
TRENT
It’s not a beer I’m looking for…
SAM
Something harder, perhaps?
TRENT
Perhaps.
The two lock eyes for a moment, but Trent doesn’t offer more.
SAM
Well, let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.
TRENT
Ever seen this boy before?
Trent shows Sam a pic on his phone.
SAM
I don’t know his name, but I know his face. He’s been in before. Haven’t seen him for awhile now though. Sorry I can’t help you more.
Sam moves off to help another customer. Trent surveys the room – men dressed in leather stand alone or in couples.
ROBERT, 20s, enters below the EXIT sign. His face lights up immediately when he sees Trent. He sidles up and takes the empty seat next to him.
ROBERT
You must be Trent.
TRENT
You’re late.
ROBERT
I’m sorry, Sir. There was a traffic accident on the freeway and then parking – had to walk like–
TRENT
No matter, you’re here now. What’re you drinking?
ROBERT
What do you want me to drink?
TRENT
Bartender! Two Scotch on the rocks.
Sam looks up from the far end of the bar.
SAM
Right away.
Trent turns his eyes back to Robert.
TRENT
(to Sam)
Make ‘em both doubles.
Robert shoots up his eyebrows but doesn’t say anything.
TRENT
The bartender says you’ve been here before.
ROBERT
I have. Not brand new to the scene, but – looking for new experiences.
TRENT
What have you done?
ROBERT
Nothing too crazy.
That’s all he offers. Trent tries a different approach.
TRENT
You know anyone in the room?
Robert takes a moment to look around.
ROBERT
The pup in the corner? Likes biting. Not my thing. Pretty sure Rubber Dude is on GHB or DMT or something. Muscle boy? Total bottom. And I heard the bartender had gonorrhea, but that might be old news, I dunno…
TRENT
Damn boy – that’s a lot of dirt. How do you know all this?
Robert smiles gregariously.
ROBERT
I’ve been around the block.
TRENT
And you’re still looking for…?
ROBERT
Not sure I’ve found it yet.
TRENT
Ah, well. Not sure I’ve found what I’m looking for yet either.
ROBERT
What are you looking for, Sir?
TRENT
Figure I’ll know when I see it.
ROBERT
What if it’s sitting right in front of you?
TRENT
Didn’t say I’ll know it immediately when I see it.
Sam arrives with their drinks.
SAM
Two doubles, on the rocks.
Trent hands Sam a $100 bill. Sam, confused, takes it.
TRENT
Keep the change.
SAM
Thanks! Enjoy your evening!
TRENT
Oh, I intend to.
Sam leaves to ring up the drinks. Trent turns to Robert and sips.
TRENT
So you sure you want this?
ROBERT
Yes – Sir. I’ve been looking forward to this all week.
TRENT
Good. But first I need to make sure you’re worth my time.
ROBERT
What can I do to prove myself?
TRENT
Impress me.
Trent DOWNS his drink and gestures to Robert’s.
TRENT
Finish your drink.
ROBERT
Already?
TRENT
Right now. Time to go.
ROBERT
(sipping)
Where are we going?
TRENT
Trust me.
Another gulp, and Robert’s drink is done. The glass is replaced on the bar. They both stand. Trent places a firm hand on Robert’s neck, and guides him into the back room.
INT. A BAR – THE BACKROOM – NIGHT
The light is even dimmer back here – but Trent knows his way around. He leads Robert directly to a ST. ANDREW’S CROSS.
Robert looks Trent in the eye but doesn’t say anything. Trent RIPS off Robert’s shirt. Robert doesn’t protest.
TRENT
Hands.
Robert offers them – and Trent straps each hand into the built-in restraints on the St. Andrew’s cross.
TRENT
Last chance, boy. You want this?
Robert nods. Trent growls.
TRENT
I want to hear you. Aloud!
ROBERT
Yes, Sir.
TRENT
Good.
Trent unhooks the flogger from his belt. Its lashes caress Robert’s bare back- gently at first. Robert contorts in a mixture of surprise, pain – and pleasure.
TRENT
You want more?
ROBERT
Yes Sir. Harder, please, Sir.
TRENT
Louder!
ROBERT
(yells)
Please flog me harder, Sir!
TRENT
Good boy. I like what I see. So far.
The flogging continues. Robert embraces the cross.
ROBERT
I deserve this.
TRENT
You’re going to take more. Not until you’re done. Until I’m done.
The flogger THUDS harder. Robert’s eyes flash in fear.
ROBERT
No, wait – stop. Ow, that’s too much. Don’t I get a safe word?
It’s the last thing he says before Trent puts in the GAG. muffling Robert’s screams – and flogs him harder than ever.
FADE OUT.
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I like the expansion of the dialogue, giving Robert trait of gossip. I didn’t get the feeling that Trent was faking being rich (maybe I missed something?) regardless the ending went really dark and before that I could feel so many things. For some reason I could feel the anticipation of sex and the longing for some companionship, and then Trent turned it up to 11. This scene had me thinking of quite a few things and movies. The two that come out to me are “Cruising” and “Hellraiser.” Both were heavily steeped in bondage and the pleasure of pain. WOW!
You let the audience know that this was either a leather bar, or it was leather night which gets the mind going to where you went in the end. The twist in the end was great, and really brought home the cat and mouse game that was going on.
Trent however I did not feel came off as needy, he was aggressive and in control but, like I said above he didn’t seem to be faking being rich. Robert wasn’t gregarious, and having him smile gregariously seems forced. An idea could be Robert isn’t late but is in the club the whole time talking to the patrons, and then makes his way to Trent when Sam points him out in the crowd. Thats one way you could do it. Still it’s a really solid scene. Thanks!
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Don’s rewrite – QE Cycle 1:
INT. CANNABIS SHOP – DAY
ROBERT (25), the owner of a Cannabis shop, stands behind the sales counter of his small establishment and counts out some bills. He has a phone perched in his ear.
ROBERT (into phone): Yeah, I let everyone know this guy can’t be trusted. And I don’t care if I screw up anything legit he might be doing with anyone else. He’s on the way over now to bitch and moan. I think he’s here now… I’ll call you back.
Robert hears the ENTRY BELL RING indicating someone has entered the shop. He hangs up the phone.
TRENT (30) enters the shop and walks briskly to the counter. As Robert notices Trent, he closes the cash register and presses a small button under the counter.
INSERT: A lock CLICKS on the front door, locking it.
Trent is now at the counter.
ROBERT: Dude!
Trent and Robert high-five each other.
TRENT: Hey brother, I’m here to celebrate sales.
ROBERT: That might be a little premature. I guess I could be doing a better – but, hey, I was raised a socialist love child, not a used car peddler.
TRENT: So how are they? Sales I mean.
ROBERT: You looked at the books, so you know. Some things are good. The cookies and gummies are selling like hotcakes!
TRENT: Maybe you should sell cannabis hotcakes! I HOP pot!
Robert LAUGHS. Trent turns serious.
TRENT: I would agree the books are telling us that we have to get our sales numbers up, my friend.
ROBERT: Yeah, if I could. Like I said, I’m not the greatest salesperson in the world. You know that.
I know that. My therapist knows that.TRENT: Yeah, well I need you to sell, dude. And to sell like there is no tomorrow. To sell like your ass is on fire. To sell like you’re gonna get offed by someone I might know if you don’t get those sales figures higher.
Beat – Trent gives Robert a serious look, then backs off, smiling.
TRENT: Hey, dude! Got some cookies?
ROBERT: I don’t consume during business hours.
TRENT: But I want to celebrate!
ROBERT: Celebrate what?
TRENT: Your future success!
ROBERT: You’re always telling me I’m a fuck up and now you’re telling me I’m gonna be a success?
TRENT: I just try to keep you motivated. Give me the best cookie you got. I need some NOW.
Robert walks over to a line of Cannabis Cookie dispensers and eyes them over. He grabs one and hands it to Trent.
Trent takes a bite.
ROBERT: Green Baker.
Trent nibbles.
TRENT: So here’s the plan. I want you to jack up the prices by 10 percent. I want you to stay open until midnight every day, and I want you to do some advertising.
ROBERT: I assume you’re gonna pitch in for the ads.
TRENT: If you need it.
Beat.
ROBERT: How about ‘if you have it’?
TRENT: I have it. Don’t trust me? I did hear you might be talking to another backer.
ROBERT: Where’d you hear that?
TRENT: A little birdie.
ROBERT: Well the little birdie is wrong.
TRENT: This particular little birdie has a big mouth and would like to keep your other business partner informed.
Beat.
TRENT: Let me tell you something, Budaroo. You try to deal me out and you’re never gonna do business in this town again. You will have such a bad rep that not even my mother – who hates my guts and loves to find any way she can to hurt my feelings – not even she would do business with you.
ROBERT: That’s too bad – I always thought your mom was kinda cute.
Trent smiles, walks over to the dispensary, and lifts the lid to take another Green Baker cookie. Robert stops him.
ROBERT: Hold on! Hold on! I got a better one for you!
TRENT: A better one? Oh, I need that.
ROBERT: Top notch. Colombian. The ‘Green Grocer’. Come on, I just got the shipment in.
He nods to him to follow him to the back room where he accepts shipments.
Robert leans down and opens a bag that is propped against the wall.
ROBERT: Now lean down and take a whiff of that stuff. That is pure heaven.
Trent leans down and takes a whiff.
TRENT: Man, that is good!
Just then Robert, who has armed himself with a 2×4 board, BELTS Trent in the back and knocks him flat.
ROBERT: That one’s for your mom you lyin’ sack of shit! You don’t have the money – and everyone knows it! And if they don’t, I let them know it!
TRENT CRIES OUT: Is this what your therapist is telling you to do?
ROBERT: My therapist is a whimp. I fired her because I don’t need her. What I DO have a new backer, BUDAROO! One you don’t know, and he isn’t the pain in the ass you are and doesn’t make out to be rich when he’s really in debt up to his kahunas!
Robert WHACKS Trent again.
ROBERT: That one is for MY mom! Leech!
WHACKS him again.
ROBERT: Leeching off labor, as usual!! Neoliberal, fascist, capitalist wannabe leech!
Trent MOANS and tries to escape – but Robert whacks him one more time, knocking him out cold.
Robert looks him over.
ROBERT: Dude, the revolution is here. Robert is taking over.
-
Hi Don – I really love your scene and can see how you’ve integrated a lot of traits and maximum interest techniques. What stands out for me is that I didn’t notice the gregarious and low self-esteem traits for Robert. I think if you integrate these that your scene quality would definitely increase. Keep on keeping’ on dude! 😉
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Thanks Elle! After reading your scene, your critique re. my missing some character traits with Robert is quite clear. One thing I noticed with your scene is how the *contrast* between Robert and Trent allows for his gregariousness to be highlighted. Character differentiation is of course quite a big deal and important — so your remarks re. my scene and how you handled your scene were both helpful and illustrative.
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Rewrite Cycle 1
BACK ROOM – EVENING
Trent leads Robert into the room. They both hold champagne flutes and Robert holds an almost empty champagne bottle.
TRENT
Let’s have our special private celebration.
Trent holds up his glass.
ROBERT
To taking down that son-of-a bitch!
They cheer! Robert grabs Trent in a celebratory bear hug.
ROBERT
We did it brother!
Trent is much more reserved.
TRENT
No. You did it.
ROBERT
Nah.
Robert clinks his glass to Trents and guzzles his glass. He pours himself another drink and pours the last bit in Trent’s glass.
TRENT
Oh yes. In fact I wanted to ask you about what you said to old Frank.
Robert laughs nervously.
ROBERT
What do you mean?
TRENT
Don’t you find it strange that the hostile takeover happened so quickly and without a hitch.
Robert starts sweating. He guzzles down the remainder of his Champagne, flings the empty bottle towards the back wall behind Trent. It shatters but Trent doesn’t flinch. Robert pats Trent on the back.
ROBERT
Who cares what, who, how or whatever. What matters is we did it! More celebrating! More Champagne!
Robert heads towards the door.
TRENT
The one thing about money, brother, is that it buys loyalty.
Robert stops dead in his tracks, fear in his eyes. He turns around with a huge smile on his face and joyously retorts –
ROBERT
Tell me about it. How do you think I got everyone on board for this?
TRENT
Maybe by spreading rumors about our mother’s demise and how I had something to do with it?
Robert drops his glass. It shatters. He pulls out a gun. He continues playing his light gregarious self but his eyes deceive him with nervous doubt.
ROBERT
I don’t know what you’re getting at.
TRENT
Is that the gun I gave you?
Robert makes light although his shaking hands give him away.
ROBERT
Yeah, she’s a beaut ain’t she? Thank you!
TRENT
You don’t think I came in here alone did you?
ROBERT
Awe, I love you brother, but I knew you couldn’t be trusted. You’re so predictable.
TRENT
I am? Did you check if it was loaded?
ROBERT
Of course I did.
TRENT
Did you check if the bullets were real?
Robert lets off a wholehearted laugh.
ROBERT
You know that the Chief told me to watch my back with you, right?
TRENT
He told me the same when I had to pay him off because of the gossip you were spreading.
ROBERT
I used to believe the rich big brother stories when I was a kid –
TRENT
Now I know why mom favored you.
Trent lunges for Robert. Robert pulls the trigger. It’s a blank. Trent grabs the gun and beats Robert with it.
Robert holds his arms up to protect himself.
ROBERT
What are you talking about? She favored you! She always went on and on about “you should be more like Trent, you should be more like Trent”. I actually secretly wanted to be you when I grew up.
In the moment it takes Trent to smile with pride, Robert grabs the gun back and shoots again. This time the bullet is real and it wounds Trent in the arm. Trent falls to his knees. Robert struggles to get up.
ROBERT
Yup, dear old brother, I did check if it was loaded, and I did check if the bullets were real. I left the first one blank ‘cause I didn’t know if I was right about my hunch. I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt.
Robert aims.
TRENT
I need you to understand why I’m doing this.
Robert laughs whole-heartedly in total disbelief.
ROBERT
You have the whole town on a fake payroll. You don’t need nothing!
Before Robert notices, Trent pulls out a knife and stabs Robert in the foot. Robert screams in pain and inadvertently drops the gun. It goes off, which jars them both for a moment as it ricochets around the room.
They stare at each other for a moment then both dive for the gun. They struggle face to face with the gun between them, to get control of it.
ROBERT
Mom was so disappointed with you.
TRENT
Just like she was with you.
Suddenly it fires. The bullet rips straight through Robert’s chest, ricochets off a metal figurine and pierces Trent right between the eyes.
Both dead.
-
Great job with this. I like that you put the scene in the back room and following the log line. Lots of maximum interest techniques like uncertainty, suspense, twist, and especially the surprise ending. Showing more of the character traits through action rather than dialog will notch this up even more.
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Thanks Rebecca. Will do.
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-
BACK ROOM – EVENING
Trent leads Robert into the room. They both hold champagne flutes and Robert holds an almost empty champagne bottle. (You mention Back room – but back room of what? Remember, Hal said make the scene interesting. Countless ways to set this. Are they in some remote cabin? Are they on a yacht? Are they out fishing? Make it colorful or unique.
TRENT
Let’s have our special private celebration. (Could you give us a clue why they’re having a private celebration? Maybe give us a little subtext here. “I’m so proud of you, bro, you finally did it.”
Trent holds up his glass.
ROBERT
To taking down that son-of-a bitch!
They cheer! Robert grabs Trent in a celebratory bear hug.
ROBERT
We did it brother!
Trent is much more reserved.
TRENT
No. You did it.
ROBERT
Nah.
Robert clinks his glass to Trents and guzzles his glass. He pours himself another drink and pours the last bit in Trent’s glass.
TRENT
Oh yes. In fact I wanted to ask you about what you said to old Frank.
Robert laughs nervously.
ROBERT
What do you mean?
TRENT
Don’t you find it strange that the hostile takeover happened so quickly and without a hitch.
Robert starts sweating. He guzzles down the remainder of his Champagne, flings the empty bottle towards the back wall behind Trent. It shatters but Trent doesn’t flinch. Robert pats Trent on the back.
ROBERT
Who cares what, who, how or whatever. What matters is we did it! More celebrating! More Champagne!
Robert heads towards the door.
TRENT
The one thing about money, brother, is that it buys loyalty.
Robert stops dead in his tracks, fear in his eyes. He turns around with a huge smile on his face and joyously retorts –
ROBERT
Tell me about it. How do you think I got everyone on board for this?
TRENT
Maybe by spreading rumors about our mother’s demise and how I had something to do with it?
Robert drops his glass. It shatters. He pulls out a gun. He continues playing his light gregarious self but his eyes deceive him with nervous doubt.(I think pulling out a gun is too soon. Also, I didn’t see too much gregariousness of Robert).
ROBERT
I don’t know what you’re getting at.
TRENT
Is that the gun I gave you?
Robert makes light although his shaking hands give him away.
ROBERT
Yeah, she’s a beaut ain’t she? Thank you!
TRENT
You don’t think I came in here alone did you?
ROBERT
Awe, I love you brother, but I knew you couldn’t be trusted. You’re so predictable.
TRENT
I am? Did you check if it was loaded?
ROBERT
Of course I did.
TRENT
Did you check if the bullets were real?
Robert lets off a wholehearted laugh.
ROBERT
You know that the Chief told me to watch my back with you, right?
TRENT
He told me the same when I had to pay him off because of the gossip you were spreading.
ROBERT
I used to believe the rich big brother stories when I was a kid –
TRENT
Now I know why mom favored you.
Trent lunges for Robert. Robert pulls the trigger. It’s a blank. Trent grabs the gun and beats Robert with it.
Robert holds his arms up to protect himself.
ROBERT
What are you talking about? She favored you! She always went on and on about “you should be more like Trent, you should be more like Trent”. I actually secretly wanted to be you when I grew up.
In the moment it takes Trent to smile with pride, Robert grabs the gun back and shoots again. This time the bullet is real and it wounds Trent in the arm. Trent falls to his knees. Robert struggles to get up.
ROBERT
Yup, dear old brother, I did check if it was loaded, and I did check if the bullets were real. I left the first one blank ‘cause I didn’t know if I was right about my hunch. I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt.
Robert aims.
TRENT
I need you to understand why I’m doing this.
Robert laughs whole-heartedly in total disbelief.
ROBERT
You have the whole town on a fake payroll. You don’t need nothing!
Before Robert notices, Trent pulls out a knife and stabs Robert in the foot. Robert screams in pain and inadvertently drops the gun. It goes off, which jars them both for a moment as it ricochets around the room.
They stare at each other for a moment then both dive for the gun. They struggle face to face with the gun between them, to get control of it.
ROBERT
Mom was so disappointed with you.
TRENT
Just like she was with you.
Suddenly it fires. The bullet rips straight through Robert’s chest, ricochets off a metal figurine and pierces Trent right between the eyes.
Both dead.
(Got to keep those guns away from the kiddies!) You did a good job with essence – sibling rivalry. Lots of scenes have a hard time with that. I am confused as to what these two men do for a living and how this plays into having them both end up dead. You mentioned Chief – I thought it was a police officer, but then it went to a fake payroll. I think you could tighten up the dialogue, give us some subtext, and let us know what these two do for a living. Or, if it’s really about their mother, I would delve into that aspect more. I think each one kept dropping a “bomb,” but I had no idea where they were going with it. Good job. Thanks.
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Thanks for the feedback Carol. I’ll see how I can integrate your feedback. 🙂
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Nice job Elle! The thing I like about your piece is the clarity with which you interpret the requirements and integrate them within the scene. The whole notion of the two brothers killing each other then elevates the scene thematically and brings a thoughtful element to it that makes you ponder the tragedy of the situation. Perhaps one more go through with an eye toward layering more character traits in would be useful…. but the danger there, I believe, could be that the scene might become too on the nose. So there’s always the need for a balanced (and artful) approach, IMHO.
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Rewrite of QE Cycle 1
INT. BARRACKS R&R ROOM – AFTERNOON – FEBUARY 28TH 1991
The Rest and Relaxation room is vast with many things to do. However the marines of Quebec 5-11 are having beers and watching C-Span to hear from President Bush.
Front and center is CPL TRENT MARCUS. He is passing out beers to everyone from a cooler at his feet. He sees CPL ROBERT RUST, enter the room, they make eye contact.
TRENT
(to himself) This fucking guy. (to the room) Compliments from me and sergeant Jones, who couldn’t be here himself.
The marines cheers Trent and sergeant Jones.
ROBERT
(To the room) I thought the sarge said no beer!?
His remark immediately met with boos. Trent takes a swig and shrugs, and tosses a beer to Robert. He catches it and opens it.
ROBERT
Just kidding! Ya’ll know me. Hey Duley, I heard your wife had a baby?
DULEY shakes his head and smiles.
ROBERT
Well that’s great I told everyone that she just made you an uncle.
They cheer “ROB” like “Norm” in “Cheers.” He chugs the beer, and lets out a large belch. They cheer, as Robert makes the rounds of getting hugged and high-fived.
TRENT
Get over here you shit bag short timer!
Trent looks at Robert’s untidy uniform. He passes Robert his beer.
TRENT
Seriously I don’t know how you made it out of Basic.
Trent takes a step back showing Robert his uniform. Robert shrugs and drinks.
ROBERT
I got two months left in man.
TRENT
See Rob. Immaculate! You, look like dog shit on good days. I mean just look at your hair.
Robert runs his free hand through his non regulation hair.
ROBERT
Yeah. It is luxurious.
Trent narrows his eyes at Robert..
TRENT
That ain’t gonna fly with the sarge.
ROBERT
Too bad he already said I could keep it until we get back to Stumps.
TRENT
Now that is some bull, and you know it. How much shit have you been talking this whole war man.
ROBERT
Wars’ over, and I’m counting the days.
Trent stares in disbelief.
TRENT
Alright thats enough of that shit, once a Marine always a Marine.
It’s getting louder as all conversations are turning into back slapping and boisterous laughter. Trent looks at the TV the president has come on.
Trent addresses the crowd.
TRENT
HEY! Quiet down you devil dogs!
The crowd howls and woofs. It annoys Trent.
ROBERT
Shut the fuck up!
They quiet down immediately which pisses Trent off. The president’s voice is heard. Every marine stands silent beer in hand almost at attention.
BUSH (V.O.)
Kuwait is liberated. Iraq’s army is defeated.
They all shout and spray beer everywhere. It looks like the locker room of a team that just won the World Series. Hugs are met with fives and special handshakes.
Trent looks around elated, PFC BODIE knocks into him spilling beer on his beer soaked boots. He grabs Bodie.
TRENT
What the hell Boot! You gotta clean all this up.
He shoves Bodie in the direction of a little kitchenette towards the back of the room.
ROBERT
That was over the top there bud.
TRENT
You haven’t seen over the top yet.
Trent messes up Roberts hair. This pisses him off.
ROBERT
Eat a dick.
Robert makes his way to Bodie in the kitchenette. Bodie is frantically looking for paper towels.
ROBERT
Hey kid. Paper towels are up there.
Robert points to a cupboard above Bodie’s head.
PFC BODIE
Thank’s Rob.
Bodie grabs the towels but before he takes off Robert puts his hand on Bodie’s chest stopping him from taking off.
ROBERT
Hey Bodie. Look man you don’t have to take so much shit from Trent. He’s not that high up.
PFC BODIE
He said he’ll pay me like fifty bucks if I help him out.
ROBERT
He said that? Wow. Well you know he’s pretty much broke and not to mention he weaseled out of watch like every time with the same promise.
Bodie looks on in awe, he has never seen Rob be so open about Trent before.
PFC BODIE
Wow! He did promise me some cash for taking his duty. But he also said you were not to be trusted. That you make stuff up.
ROBERT
He said that? Well now. Well young Bodie go ask him for what he owes you right now. I saw him pay Duley for something earlier. Plus he bought all that beer.
Bodie nods and heads over to Trent who is talking to Duley. Robert watches the scene play out. He can’t hear the words but smiles at the body language.
Trent throws his hands up annoyed as Bodie nervously and awkwardly asks something. Trent looks at the smiling Robert.
Trent flips Robert off and pulls Bodie in close whispers something. Trent pulls out a wad of cash and hands bodie a $50 bill.
Bodie nods excitedly and takes the cash before bolting out of the room. Trent and Robert smile slyly at one another.
Duley walks up to Robert.
DULEY
Hey Rob. Real funny about my wife earlier.
ROBERT
Just joshing man. No harm right?
Duley throws his hands up as in “no problem.”
DULEY
Hey man can I got some good gossip for ya. Lets go to your room and I’ll spill.
Robert nods and signals they are leaving.
ROBERT
Better be some good shit, not like last time. (To the room) And I’m OUT! PEACE!
The room erupts with cheers as Robert leaves with Duley. Trent watches them leave and smiles sinisterly.
INT. ROBERT’S BARRACKS ROOM – LATER
It’s dark in the room. Robert wakes in his rack, he is stunned, can’t see straight and can barely stand. His head throbs, he rubs his hand through his…
ROBERT
What the fuck? WHERE’S MY FUCKING HAIR!?
He turns on the light and looks in the mirror. It’s true his beautiful hair is gone. He looks at the floor, it’s all there. Rage fills him.
There is a knock at the door. Robert opens it. Trent is outside with a few marines from earlier, Duley and Bodie.
TRENT
I see Duley and Bodie shaved ya good.
Duley and Bodie look at the ground shamefully as Robert makes angry eye contact.
TRENT
Don’t blame them I paid for their services. You think you’re king shit around here, always talking shit. So I took your locks. HA!
Rage boils up inside Robert, he jumps on Trent pulling him into the room. The first swing connects with Trent’s temple and the second connects with his jaw.
Trent crumples to the floor unable to protect his stomach from the four kicks Robert lays into his ribs. Robert stops realizing what he has done.
ROBERT
Shit! I think I broke my hand.
Robert looks at the group. He’s thinking of a way out of this and smiles at Bodie slyly.
ROBERT
PFC Bodie, you saw! He threw the first punch.
Bodie looks on at Trent and then nods yes to Robert.
ROBERT
You all saw right?
FADE OUT.
-
Hi Doug,
Great setting and back and forth banter between characters. You did a great job showing Robert’s gregarious trait, secretiveness, and low self esteem. I missed the smooth part. Great job with capturing Trent. For improvement you might add a few more maximum interest techniques like hope and fear. I got confused by Trent being upset about the spilling of beer on his “beer soaked” boots rather than new polished boots. The quick change of scene to the kitchenette and then later to the barrack’s room ruined the flow for me. You might try Robert grabbing the paper towels from the bar and moving in close to Bodie for the conversation as Trent watch’s from afar to worry abut what Robert might be up to. For more suspense, Trent could then work the room exchanging money in handshakes. To stay in the scene and log line, have Dudley lure him into the kitchenette for a chugging contest, then hold him down for a shave. Keep the ideas flowing.
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Thanks Rebecca! That is a great idea on the boots, and having Robert do some room working, followed by Trent. I’ll see if I can flush out some of your ideas. Thanks again!
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Rewrite of QE Cycle 1
INT. BARRACKS R&R ROOM – AFTERNOON – FEBUARY 28TH 1991
The Rest and Relaxation room is vast with many things to do. However the marines of Quebec 5-11 are having beers and watching C-Span to hear from President Bush. (Good setting)
Front and center is CPL TRENT MARCUS. He is passing out beers to everyone from a cooler at his feet. He sees CPL ROBERT RUST, enter the room, they make eye contact.
TRENT
(to himself) This fucking guy. (to the room) Compliments from me and sergeant Jones, who couldn’t be here himself.
The marines cheers Trent and sergeant Jones.
ROBERT
(To the room) I thought the sarge said no beer!?
His remark immediately met with boos. Trent takes a swig and shrugs, and tosses a beer to Robert. He catches it and opens it.
ROBERT
Just kidding! Ya’ll know me. Hey Duley, I heard your wife had a baby?
DULEY shakes his head and smiles.
ROBERT
Well that’s great I told everyone that she just made you an uncle. (good line)
They cheer “ROB” like “Norm” in “Cheers.” He chugs the beer, and lets out a large belch. They cheer, as Robert makes the rounds of getting hugged and high-fived. (Good)
TRENT
Get over here you shit bag short timer!
Trent looks at Robert’s untidy uniform. He passes Robert his beer.
TRENT
Seriously I don’t know how you made it out of Basic.
Trent takes a step back showing Robert his uniform. Robert shrugs and drinks. (Good)
ROBERT
I got two months left in man.
TRENT
See Rob. Immaculate! You, look like dog shit on good days. I mean just look at your hair.
Robert runs his free hand through his non regulation hair.
ROBERT
Yeah. It is luxurious. (love it)
Trent narrows his eyes at Robert..
TRENT
That ain’t gonna fly with the sarge.
ROBERT
Too bad he already said I could keep it until we get back to Stumps.
TRENT
Now that is some bull, and you know it. How much shit have you been talking this whole war man.
ROBERT
Wars’ over, and I’m counting the days.
Trent stares in disbelief.
TRENT
Alright thats enough of that shit, once a Marine always a Marine.
It’s getting louder as all conversations are turning into back slapping and boisterous laughter. Trent looks at the TV the president has come on.
Trent addresses the crowd.
TRENT
HEY! Quiet down you devil dogs! (For some reason the term devil dogs makes me laugh)
The crowd howls and woofs. It annoys Trent.
ROBERT
Shut the fuck up!
They quiet down immediately which pisses Trent off. The president’s voice is heard. Every marine stands silent beer in hand almost at attention.
BUSH (V.O.)
Kuwait is liberated. Iraq’s army is defeated.
They all shout and spray beer everywhere. It looks like the locker room of a team that just won the World Series. Hugs are met with fives and special handshakes.
Trent looks around elated, PFC BODIE knocks into him spilling beer on his beer soaked boots. He grabs Bodie.
TRENT
What the hell Boot! You gotta clean all this up.
He shoves Bodie in the direction of a little kitchenette towards the back of the room. (Does Trent come back? Might need that just for context.)
ROBERT
That was over the top there bud.
TRENT
You haven’t seen over the top yet.
Trent messes up Roberts hair. This pisses him off. (Messes? I thought Robert’s hair was a mess.)
ROBERT
Eat a dick.(Makes me think of elementary school)
Robert makes his way to Bodie in the kitchenette. Bodie is frantically looking for paper towels.
ROBERT
Hey kid. Paper towels are up there.
Robert points to a cupboard above Bodie’s head.
PFC BODIE
Thank’s Rob.
Bodie grabs the towels but before he takes off Robert puts his hand on Bodie’s chest stopping him from taking off. (this is a bit confusing – is Robert trying to get Bodie not to clean up or has Bodie cleaned and is leaving?)
ROBERT
Hey Bodie. Look man you don’t have to take so much shit from Trent. He’s not that high up.
PFC BODIE
He said he’ll pay me like fifty bucks if I help him out.
ROBERT
He said that? Wow. Well you know he’s pretty much broke and not to mention he weaseled out of watch like every time with the same promise.
Bodie looks on in awe, he has never seen Rob be so open about Trent before.
PFC BODIE
Wow! He did promise me some cash for taking his duty. But he also said you were not to be trusted. That you make stuff up.
ROBERT
He said that? Well now. Well young Bodie go ask him for what he owes you right now. I saw him pay Duley for something earlier. Plus he bought all that beer.
Bodie nods and heads over to Trent who is talking to Duley. Robert watches the scene play out. He can’t hear the words but smiles at the body language.
Trent throws his hands up annoyed as Bodie nervously and awkwardly asks something. Trent looks at the smiling Robert.
Trent flips Robert off and pulls Bodie in close whispers something. Trent pulls out a wad of cash and hands bodie a $50 bill.
Bodie nods excitedly and takes the cash before bolting out of the room. Trent and Robert smile slyly at one another. (This setup is good)
Duley walks up to Robert.
DULEY
Hey Rob. Real funny about my wife earlier.
ROBERT
Just joshing man. No harm right?
Duley throws his hands up as in “no problem.”
DULEY
Hey man can I got some good gossip for ya. Lets go to your room and I’ll spill.
Robert nods and signals they are leaving.
ROBERT
Better be some good shit, not like last time. (To the room) And I’m OUT! PEACE!
The room erupts with cheers as Robert leaves with Duley. Trent watches them leave and smiles sinisterly.
INT. ROBERT’S BARRACKS ROOM – LATER
It’s dark in the room. Robert wakes in his rack, he is stunned, can’t see straight and can barely stand. His head throbs, he rubs his hand through his…
ROBERT
What the fuck? WHERE’S MY FUCKING HAIR!?
He turns on the light and looks in the mirror. It’s true his beautiful hair is gone. He looks at the floor, it’s all there. Rage fills him.
There is a knock at the door. Robert opens it. Trent is outside with a few marines from earlier, Duley and Bodie.
( I would cut the scene here – it’s funny and enough to get the point across the Trent took Robert to the “back room.”)
TRENT
I see Duley and Bodie shaved ya good.
Duley and Bodie look at the ground shamefully as Robert makes angry eye contact.
TRENT
Don’t blame them I paid for their services. You think you’re king shit around here, always talking shit. So I took your locks. HA!
Rage boils up inside Robert, he jumps on Trent pulling him into the room. The first swing connects with Trent’s temple and the second connects with his jaw.
Trent crumples to the floor unable to protect his stomach from the four kicks Robert lays into his ribs. Robert stops realizing what he has done.
ROBERT
Shit! I think I broke my hand.
Robert looks at the group. He’s thinking of a way out of this and smiles at Bodie slyly.
ROBERT
PFC Bodie, you saw! He threw the first punch.
Bodie looks on at Trent and then nods yes to Robert.
ROBERT
You all saw right?
FADE OUT.
Some good subtext here. I loved how Trent messes with Robert’s hair and then ends up having it shaved off. That was excellent. What is the essence? Two guys who can’t stand each other? Two guys trying to pull rank? Maybe tighten up the dialogue a bit and give us more subtext with each thing being said. Good job! Thanks for sharing. I have more comments through the scene.
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-
INT. BAR IN STRIP CLUB – NIGHT
ROBERT nurses a drink at the bar as LUCY swaggers away from him, looking over her shoulder with an invitation.
TRENT sidles up.
TRENT Can I join you?
ROBERT
Sure, she doesn’t want to. Theynever do.
TRENT
I thought you guys had great rapport.What happened? Robert shrugs.
TRENT (CONT’D) She’s new, right?
ROBERT
I don’t know. My first time here.TRENT
Did you proposition her?ROBERT
No, I don’t have much luck with theladies, even with money. I just wanted to go to one of the private rooms.
TRENT
That might be fun. Let me try. Mywife used to work in a place like this. Money talks here. What’s her name?
ROBERT
Lucy.
Trent thrusts out his hand.TRENT
I’m Trent, by the way.They shake. Robert.
ROBERT
2.
Trent pulls a wad of bills out of his pocket and holds it in front of him.
TRENT Lucy — a word!
Lucy struts over to him, a question in her eye. Trent peels off a few bills and hands them to her.
TRENT (CONT’D) Private room?
Lucy nods.
Trent peels off a few more bills.TRENT (CONT’D) Can he come too?
Lucy tucks the bills in her bosom.
LUCY Sure. Right this way.
TRENT (to Robert)
You’re buying the booze and extras. (to Lucy)
We want your best room.
Lucy glances over her shoulder at Trent as she walks to the back of the bar where private rooms line the hallway.
LUCY So I assumed.
When she gets to the room, a bouncer unlocks it for her and she nods to him.
LUCY (CONT’D) (Seductively)
You like it rough?
Trent grins and nods, nudging Robert.LUCY (CONT’D) (Mockingly)
You want to pick a safe word?
TRENT
We won’t need one, but you might.LUCY The works?
TRENT And extras.
Trent nudges Robert with an elbow and Robert smiles and gives Trent a sly wink.
Lucy laughs and holds the door as the men enter the nicely appointed room with rich leather couches and low round tables with smooth edges.
ROBERT
I’ll get some champagne.Robert steps out the door. Lucy holds the door open as several girls walk in, in various stages of undress, holding a variety of stage props and S&M devices. When the girls have filed
in, Lucy steps out and the door softly closes.Immediately, the girls start wailing on Trent with their various instruments.
TRENT
Stop! What the hell! Stop!GIRL 1 Safe word?
GIRL 2
Oh, he didn’t want one. He wantsthe full treatment. Let’s go, girls!
The girls continue to beat Trent, backing away from Trent when the girl with the whip wants to take a lash. She whips him around the midsection and he rushes toward the room door, but is thrown back by the gang of girls.
Seeing no way to get through, he struggles to protect his face and midsection by turning away. They give the girl with the whip free play, then other girls hit him with a baton, a fake pistol and a variety of their other strip act props.
When they tire of beating him on the back, legs and upper arms, they pull him from the corner and he crumples to the floor, cowering and trying to protect his head with his hands. He drops to his knees and bends over as the beating continues.
Several girls knock him onto his side and kick him brutally.
Enough?
GIRL 2 (CONT’D)
GIRL 1 For now.
3.
They open the door and strut out with their instruments of torture.
GIRL 2
Full treatment, but no safe word.These guys are f-ing nuts!
Robert stands next to Lucy in the doorway looking at the beaten and bleeding Trent lying on the floor in the lux room moaning and holding his crotch.
ROBERT
I think you have a warrant for thisguy, don’t you?
LUCY Sure do.
Robert steps into the room and holds a gun on Trent while Lucy flips him over, cuffs him, and reads him his rights.
LUCY (CONT’D)
You have the right to remain silent.Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you? With these rights in mind, do you wish to speak to me?
TRENT (whiny)
I didn’t do anything. Ask the girls. I’m innocent. Buddy, help me out. You know I didn’t do anything.
Robert smiles innocently at Trent.
ROBERT I’m in Vice.
He turns to Lucy.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
I wasn’t in the room. I have nothingon this guy.
LUCY
Well, I’m an SVU officer and I havevideo, audio, witness testimony, and physical evidence of Trent threatening to beat his kid if his wife doesn’t bring home more money than she did
last week from the gentleman’s club she works in.
Trent pleads with Robert.
TRENT
I would never actually do that.ROBERT
(almost sympathetically)Really? Lucy, you sure this is the right guy?
Lucy jerks him to his feet.
LUCY
Oh yeah, the hospital has the photosand medical reports. That’s how I got the warrant, put a wire on his wife and installed cams in his house. We caught him this afternoon threatening his six year old’s life.
Robert shakes his head at Trent in mock disappointment. Trent goes from pleading to fury in a heartbeat.
TRENT
I’ll get you for this, Robert. I’llget you.
LUCY (gleefully)
More threats. He’s digging himself in deeper all the time.
Lucy pushes him out the door to a waiting cop car. Robert steps to the dressing room door.
ROBERT
You gals did Rachel proud. Nothingillegal, but you gave him a taste of his own medicine.
GIRL 1
Tell her we’ll do it again if heever so much as chips her nails.
GIRL 2
We dancers got to stick together.-
Hi Janeen – this is such an interesting scene. I think if you include some of Roberts other traits, like gregarious and low self-esteem it would bring it up another few notches. Keep up the great work. 👍
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Hi, I like the setting and how they lure Trent into the backroom. I was a little disappointed that the S-n-M was left out because that’s where I thought the story was going… I can’t believe that Robert turned on Trent like that, or that Trent beat his kid. Well, it’s pretty good work!
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Hope McPherson’s Rewrite QE Cycle 1
INT. TAVERN – NIGHT
Sitting at the back of a crowded, dreary bar, ROBERT (30s) hoists a foaming mug. Buddies, TRENT and HARRY, do likewise. Harry sets his mug down. Looks teary. They are already three sheets to the wind.
ROBERT: What’d I say? What. Did. I. Say?
TRENT: You’re three for three, Bobby. You were right about Kim. She’s banging Phil. And she would deny, deny, deny.
Robert shrugs.
HARRY: Shit.
ROBERT: You needed to know, Bro. But what’s past is past. Now you need to decide what to do.
Robert pats Harry’s shoulder.
TRENT: Show her the door. No, wait! Kick her through the door! Drain your joint accounts, get laid. In fact, start that last part with that babe at the bar.
Trent nods at a plump woman wearing red lipstick and tight black yoga pants. She watching them from across the room. She raises the corner of her crimson lips in a sly smile, winks at Harry.
Harry salutes her, lifting his nearly empty mug.
TRENT: Let me get that party started for you.
Robert stops him.
ROBERT: We don’t wanna scare her. I’ll go.
The men laugh. Not Harry.
Robert sways to his feet, heads to the bar, leans into the woman. She keeps her eyes on Harry. Robert whispers in her ear. She says nothing.
Robert sloshes back to their table. Plops down.
ROBERT: She has an early morning meeting. Can’t party tonight.
Robert and Trent burst into laughter. Harry polishes off his beer.
Trent grabs a server walking past.
TRENT: Hey! My friend needs a refill. Pronto!
The server glares; heads for a refill.
HARRY: Kimmie said nothing happen.
ROBERT: De-–fuck–nying!
HARRY: You know, you have a big mouth, Bobbie. Almost as big as Trent’s.
Robert slaps Harry on the back.
ROBERT: Don’t you know it!
Robert and Trent guffaw some more. The server returns. Slides another draft in front of Harry. Waits for payment.
Trent carefully looks away.
Harry pulls out his wallet, slaps $20 on the tray, disgusted. The server rolls her eyes at Trent, leaves.
Red Lips at the bar slips off her stool and strolls their way.
TRENT: Ha! You can thank us in the morning.
ROBERT: No, thank us now.
Robert and Trent watch, greedy. Harry watched her close in on them, shrugs.
TRENT: You may be in luck after all, Harry. Ha!
HARRY: Kimmie’s never lied to me before.
ROBERT: That you know of.
TRENT: The sign of a good liar.
The woman arrives at their table, looks down at the men. Places a hand on Robert’s shoulder. Bends down.
RED LIPS: (whispers in Robert’s ear) You left before I introduced myself.
Robert snickers.
ROBERT: (puts a hand on her butt) Nothin’ stopping you now.
RED LIPS: No, nothing stopping me. I’m Kammy. Kammy Franks.
ROBERT: Franks? Huh?
TRENT: Same as Harry?
HARRY: Bobbie, Trent, meet my twin sis, Heidi. Heidi, these are the guys Kimmy was talking about.
Robert and Trent exchange looks, confused. Heidi picks up Harry’s still-full mug.
HEIDI: Bastards.
She swings the mug like a major leaguer batting cleanup – beer flies as she hits Robert upside the head, catches Trent on her backswing.
Robert’s forehead slams into the table. Trent flies off his chair, crashing to the ground.
The bar grows silent. All eyes on the pop-up drama.
HEIDI: If I hear that you sissy gossips have been lying about my sister-in-law again, I’m going to lose my temper.
Heidi stands over the dazed men, ready for her second at-bat. They blink up at her, speechless.
She drops the mug on Trent’s head. Picks up Robert’s mug and throws its contents into his face.
HEIDI: Harry, come on. Kammy’s waiting.
-
Hope, I wanted to know who Kammy/Kimmy/Kam was when she’s first mentioned — Harry’s wife. that wasn’t clear to me early on. Nice use of Trent and Robert’s traits and Heidi’s mugs. 🙂 Robert’s subtext was loud and clear, but Trent’s only came up when he ducked paying for the beers. I also wasn’t clear how he was needy. Robert’s low self-esteem was evident when he skulked back to the table after failing with Heidi. Nice scene, good twist!
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Hi Hope,
I like how you folded in Robert’s secretive trait and his subtext into his relationship with Trent who is conspiring. I thought Robert came off the opposite of smooth. I did see a little bit of Trent’s subtext. You did hit several interest techniques – hope/fear. betrayal, mislead/reveal, character changes radically, major twist. Good job with those.
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Rewrite of QE Cycle 1
A handful of Ashton Tate employees stand near the mezzanine watercooler. When they spot ROBERT approaching conversation dries up.
Robert sidles up to the watercooler and half fills a plastic cup. He looks around sipping, nodding to himself. Uninvited he tags onto the group.
A couple of employees acknowledge him with a nod, others do not.
Area Manager, TRENT (45), comes out of his office. He wears an immaculate grey suit and his shoes shine like polished chestnuts. He goes to the cooler, nods vaguely at those standing there and fills a plastic cup. He takes it back into his office and closes the door.
ROBERT
Huh, probably needs it to cool his ardor.
RECEPTIONIST
Er, what do you mean?
ROBERT
Oh, nothing really.. ..saw him in the photocopy room yesterday. Had Trixie backed into a corner and looked to me like he was making a move on her.
TECHNICIAN
How do you know? They could’ve have just been talkin’.
RECEPTIONIST
He something of a Romeo, you reckon?
ROBERT
Oh you know… Some people never know when to stop… Met his wife at the Christmas party. Nice woman…
SECRETARY 1
(sighs)
Well, catch you later, I’d better get back.
SECRETARY 2
Yeah, me too. Back to the grindstone.
TECHNICIAN
No peace for the wicked, huh?
The group quickly evaporates.
Robert stands alone at the watercooler, pours away water he didn’t really want and bins the plastic cup.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE – DAY
In his meticulously tidy office Trent plays with a gold-plated fountain pen as he talks on the phone.
TRENT
Okay, Carol, nice one. When it’s the annual appraisal, I’ll remember you.
RECEPTIONIST (V.O.)
Everybody avoids him, he’s always skulking around, trying to stir things up. Probably has his eye on Trixie himself.
TRENT
Okay, well… I suppose I’ll have to find a way of sorting him out…
CUT TO:
INT. MEZZANINE – DAY
Trent stands on the mezzanine, balancing a half empty watercooler refill on the railing. On the floor below, Robert saunters past with photocopies. Trent’s eyes narrow as he calculates the distance.
Trent lets fall the half empty polystyrene container. It falls like a stone behind Robert and explodes with a CRACK ! on the tiles, water flies everywhere.
CU ROBERT
He cringes, drenched in ice water, half paralyzed. Trembling he looks up to see where the shattered plastic container came from.
POV TRENT
TRENT
(cheerily)
Oh, sorry about that. Just changing the water bottle. Still, you who’s so jealous of other people’s ardor. Maybe that’ll help cool your own!
(beat)
By the way, you’re from Facilities Maintenance aren’t you?
Robert nods.
TRENT
So, better get a bucket and mop it up…
-
James, I thought Robert had a low position more than low self-esteem, but Trent lived up to his traits. I didn’t see his subtext of pretended wealth, however. Robert’s subtext was loud and clear. The celebration up front seemed to be missing or very toned down and Robert fared better in the ass kicking (physically) than he did mentally (Trent adds insult to injury by making a mess of the floor and Robert and then having Robert clean it up because it’s his job). The back room is the floor below, so not taken literally. Trent must be a master manipulator to get a half-full water bottle off the cooler and upright so he could drop it. 🙂
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Hi James,
Think you did a great job hitting Trent’s traits quickly and powerfully. His wardrobe and office told me how metiulous he was, I saw his agression against Robert and him conspiring on the phone. Robert was gregarious (though no one wanted him!) and gosspy. And at the end I gethis low self-esteem. I did not see Trent’s subtext here (maybe I missed it.) Scene arc – We got the ass kicking but we did not start with a celebration. I di not see the interest techniques show up – I kind of knew all the way through that Robert was going to get his comuppance – no surprise or twist, no real hope/fear or mislead/reveal. I did like your setting choice (interesting setting) because the office is a place where these traits and the subtext really can play out in an interesting way.
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-
Kathleen Schank
INT. BIKER BAR
Sports Bar and restaurant
Trent and Robert are both celebrating at an engagement party for their mutual friends Bryan and Wendy at the biker bar.
TRENT
Just tell me where the gifts registry is. I will definitely be buying you both gifts. I really do want to buy you something very nice.
BRYAN
Oh, Trent you really would? We’d like that, me and Wendy.
TRENT
How about after the wedding, a honeymoon perhaps?
BRYAN
We are going on a cruise vacation to the Bahamas. We can’t wait to get away.
TRENT
Away? Away from who? You know I’d like to join you. Let me know the flight details.
BRYAN
Would you really? That would be- well, let’s see…
TRENT
Come and sit down with me and eat later.
A rowdy few bikers enter the bar area from outside. They are very large and intimidating, and wearing matching vests. Dolores enters with them.
BIKER 1
This some kind of party?
Indicating his seat which is being used by Trent.
This here is the seat where I always sit with Dolores.
BRYAN
Please be our guests!
WENDY
We’re having an engagement party. We’re filling up the place, what fun.
BIKER 2
They sure are havin’ fun. Just look at these invited guests!
BIKER 1
It’s so crowded that it’s making me sweat.
BIKER 2
Let’s go into the backroom, it’s so much more spacious.
BIKER 1
(Kind of mad)
Well, alright.
Robert notices Wendy by the bar.
ROBERT
There you are, Wendy!
Greets her kissing her cheek.
WENDY
Haven’t seen you and Trent in ages! I’m so glad that you texted me you were coming.
DOLORES
I’m Dolores- let’s chat a while.
ROBERT
Ladies! The drinks are on me of course.
Trent has approached the bar.
TRENT
Robert- are you sure? I’d buy a full round. Maybe the next ones!
TIM
Next ones on me!
TRENT
Alright.
ROBERT
(To Dolores)
Do you know how they met that gentleman Trent? I’ll let you in on a little secret. He was at the Yacht club one night, when he was stopped at the door. He didn’t have an invitation. Well, Wendy was there and thought he was so pathetic that she invited him in. He spent the night with Bryan who thought he was so funny because he thought Wendy found him attractive. It was so ridiculous!
DOLORES
Wendy and Bryan have been together since they were teens. Trent was always jealous.
BIKER 3
(Approaching Robert)
You don’t own a motorcycle pal?
ROBERT
No, I don’t.
BIKER 3
You probably couldn’t handle it.
ROBERT
Watch this- okay, Trent! Trent-
Did you promise to buy a round of alcohol?
TRENT
A round of drinks? No, that was uh- you.
A sea captain arrives through the front door.
CAP’T
Hello Bryan, Wendy! Trent, is that you?
TRENT
Hello Cap’t.
CAP’T
I didn’t expect to see Trent here at your engagement party.
Robert sidles over to him and chats.
ROBERT
Trent is a more than a little jealous. I was surprised too.
BIKER 1
(Shouting from the back room.)
Dolores come in here.
DOLORES
Come and sit by my friend there, come on.
TRENT
Dolores-
BIKER1
Where’s my drink? Why didn’t you buy Dolores a drink?
TRENT
I don’t know, do you?
BIKER1
(Grabbing Trent’s shirt)
You took my seat remember! Not don’t take my girlfriend.
Pushes Trent down.
Wendy arrives with an extra drink.
WENDY
Here- somebody want this -?
Throws it in the biker’s face.
BIKER1
I hate people who don’t ride motorcycles.
BRYAN
Wendy, come on let’s leave now.
Trent gets up.
TRENT
Leaving? Bryan- you know that it’s Wendy’s decision but she always liked me a lot. Wendy- please don’t marry Bryan, what about me?
WENDY
Trent! Bryan and I are getting married.
CAP’T
Hold on just second, what’s going on here?
Trent takes a gun out of his jacket pocket and points it in the direction of the bikers.
TRENT
How dare you do that to me, push me down and in front of Wendy!
BRYAN
Hold on, Trent…
CAP’T
You’re over reacting, just hand me that pistol.
BIKER1
Don’t shoot or they’ll have you arrested. I knew I didn’t like you!
Biker 2 grabs Trent from behind with biker 3.
Trent drops the pistol and starts crying.
TRENT
Why Bryan? Things always go wrong when I’m invited. Why didn’t I buy the drinks! I can’t tell my mother that Wendy doesn’t like me more than Bryan.
ROBERT
Trent, pull yourself together. Gentlemen, I’m sorry- I should’ve known. I’ll take Trent outta here. Come on.
-
Kathleen, interesting scene, but Robert kind of disappeared through most of it. Trent was definitely needy, aggressive and conspiring. I found having so many characters in the scene rather confusing and didn’t really understand the past relationship of Wendy and Trent, nor the connection between Delores and Trent, nor the connection between the bikers and Bryan & Wendy’s engagement party in a biker bar. Are they bikers too? I wasn’t clear on that. Perhaps some description lines indicating those dressed as bikers and those not (assuming Robert or Trent aren’t bikers). The length limit may have caused you to eliminate some of that, but I found some of the initial dialogue about drinks and seats to be more mundane than revealing. That may have been my overload of confusion coming through. If this is the middle of the story, it’s not unusual to have relationships already explained simply referred to or assumed. In this case, because this is isolated from the rest of the story, I found it confusing. Good characterization overall, just a lot of relationships I didn’t fully understand.
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Hi Kathleen:
I agree w/ the prior comment that Robert was lost for a lot of the scene. I kept thinking it might have worked better if he was the guy engaged to Wendy. Trent’s traits came thru clearly – agressive, needy, conspiring plus Trent’s subtext showed up. I did see Robert’s subtext as well in the scene and did see his low self esteem. I also throught there were just too many characters and that created lost opportunities for Robert or Trent to control the action (and display traits/subtext.)
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RE-WRITTEN SCENE: SURPRISE! by Michael Greco
INT. PIER OUTSIDE YACHT CLUB AT LAKEFRONT. NIGHT.
TRENT comes around outside of Yacht Club Building to Pier. Lights up on Pier quickly, a dozen people stand facing TRENT.
ALL:
Surprise!
ROBERT feverishly snaps photos, then joins in the singing.
TRENT makes his way through the crowd, and comes up to ROBERT.
TRENT:
Robert! I’m surprised you’re here!
ROBERT:
Yeah! Deborah told me about it.
TRENT:
Deborah, huh? She mentioned you love surprises-
ROBERT:
Oh, yeah! She’s as good a friend as I’ve got-
TRENT:
I believe that – showing up at her pub crawl unexpectedly, dialing up Carver, her ex-, to interview him about their breakup for your blog- sounds like your friendship is…
ROBERT:
Battle-Tested. Ah, That’s for sure, Trent, Deborah and I are battle-tested! By the way, I got forty comments on that blog!
TRENT:
Deborah’s ex- had a lot to say-
ROBERT (lowering his voice):
Well, Trent, I mean, she’s a true friend, of course, but for relationships, Deborah, uh, well … can I say ISSUES! Carver was sort of bitter; I wouldn’t say it was all her fault, but still–
TRENT:
Your blog brought out Carver’s noble, magnanimous qualities-
ROBERT:
Sometimes he was those things. I’m sure Deborah would agree. When you know them like I know them, you’ll see. Deborah has some – we’re BFF but – Deborah has issues dating nice guys-
TRENT:
That so? She doesn’t have ‘issues’ with me-
ROBERT:
With YOU – oh NO, of course not, you’re so, Trent, look around you, you’re a PRINCE among men, the best thing ever for her-
TRENT:
You sell yourself short- (thinking) does Deborah know that-
ROBERT:
I just mean, your attention to detail, your gifts of planning, coordinating groups for such specific purposes; your boycott got the Dessert Bar to add your Klondike bars to their menu-
TRENT:
That’s … those are my gifts-
ROBERT:
I should say so! Some of Deborah’s comments on SmashMouth make it seem like she thinks you’re just another good-looking slab-
TRENT:
Is that so-
ROBERT:
I mean, well, what do I know, I am – I mean, it’s just an interpretation. That’s what, that’s what I do-
TRENT:
That’s what you do- hmmm. I may need you-
ROBERT (flustered):
Mmm- what do you, ah – what does that mean?
TRENT:
I’m a man of substantial means – it could be disastrous if a man of my – substance – got involved with a woman who has – well, as you say – “issues”-
ROBERT:
Deborah didn’t say you were wealthy-
TRENT:
Robert, strikes me you’re a guy who could find out just what Deborah tells other people about me – I mean, you being someone whom she really trusts, in whom she reposes confidence. We just need you to record her. Record her secretly-
ROBERT (flustered):
Mmm- right. That is, something different – I really don’t know, I just, it’s hard to get to know her, to get to know anyone – I, I, I – don’t want to wreck that trust. Say, er, where is Deborah?
TRENT:
Huh? She should be here – she invited you, right?
ROBERT:
Oh, right, of course-
TRENT (starting back into Club building):
Come on back, let’s get you wired up-
ROBERT:
Wired?
TRENT:
Yeah – we have to do this effectively, otherwise it won’t work- you’ll just get her to talk. Intimately. Get her to talk about me, my sizable resources, her plans for us – for my money-
ROBERT:
Come on, TRENT, I’d never get her- why would she reveal that to-
TRENT walks into building, moves through unimpeded, attending Yachtmaster behind bar exchanges conspiratorial nods with TRENT. ROBERT follows, sees TRENT acting as though he owns the place.
ROBERT (continued):
Did you, ah, didja work out your problem with your membership-
TRENT:
Problem?
ROBERT:
There was the – wasn’t there some question of your membership being annulled? I’m just, I hear things. With the blog I mean-
TRENT:
I think I know how you were misinformed. It was some incompetent attending Yachtmaster thinking that me changing my company structure iced me out of the Club. Somehow-
ROBERT:
OH, that’s – so incompetent – how embarrassing – for him I mean-
TRENT:
Just a mistake, all is rectified. Not really embarrassing-
ROBERT:
I just, I felt, uh, I felt so bad about the whole thing-
TRENT:
Happens to us guys, who have money. A mistake, that’s all-
ROBERT:
SO you still have the company? You weren’t ousted? That’s great!
TRENT eyes ROBERT for an extra second. ROBERT twitches, squirms.
TRENT:
Keeps me moving. Come on-
TRENT and ROBERT enter basement, see DEBORAH and a man (CARVER).
ROBERT:
Oh, uh, hi Deborah, wow, I guess this is – where the party is!
TRENT:
We knew you’d want some exclusive content. For your BLOG, right?
ROBERT:
Oh, ah, – it’s your BIRTHDAY! What goes in Vegas STAYS in Vegas!
TRENT:
You won’t be blogging about this? Oh, remember Deborah’s ex-?
CARVER:
Carver. What’s up-
ROBERT:
Car-, oh sure, I recognize you, the voice, I mean-
TRENT:
We thought we’d get together to review some of the facts-
ROBERT:
With ME? Oh, well, uh, no, my blogs are, are, for entertainment-
TRENT:
Really? No facts?
ROBERT:
Some facts, but it’s entertainment – you want 10,000 hits.
TRENT:
So you enhance the facts-
ROBERT:
Enhanced facts… well, yes, I’d say – enhanced facts. I like it-
TRENT:
I believe it. I think I can enhance this little party here-
TRENT rears back and jabs a punch into ROBERT’S face, knocking him backward toward CARVER. CARVER catches, ROBERT, helps him keep on his feet.
ROBERT:
Whoa, TRENT, I don’t know what’s wrong, I’m sorry if I-
TRENT clips ROBERT again, across jaw. ROBERT reels, falls to ground. TRENT kneels over him, punches down into ROBERT’s face several times more. ROBERT is groaning, whimpering.
TRENT:
This is gonna be the response every time you drag US through your blog. KEEP OUR NAMES AND RELATIONSHIPS OUT OF IT.
FADE OUT
-
I felt I got to know these two during the scene. Well done. Nice tension as they begin to set up Robert for his ass kicking. 🙂 I also saw all of the traits and subtext for each character displayed during the scene. Well done.
-
I like how the two characters traits were revealed in their verbal sparring with each other. Making Robert a blogger really played into his subtext and placing the scene at the yacht club allowed you to exploit Trent’s subtext. Good job.
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Rewrite of QE Cycle 1 (I just wrote an all new scene.)
INT. SENIOR CENTER RECREATION ROOM – DAY
MARGARET (76) pushes in TRENT (80) in his funky new wheelchair.
MARGARET
Here comes the birthday boy!
ROBERT (70s) very overweight, leans on his walker to stand, starts to applaud.
ROBERT
Come on everybody! Let’s give
my buddy a big hand!
The other Seniors stand, some with great effort, and clap.
ROBERT
Show him the great big cake we
got him, Margaret!
TRENT
Aw, you all shouldn’t have. You
know it’s enough playing our weekly
game of bingo together.
Margaret wheels Trent to a table in front of Robert’s; pushes his chair in between DELORES and LYNN. Margaret then sits next to Robert at his table.
LYNN
That’s a strange looking chair you
have there, Trent. Is it new?
TRENT
It sure is. Spacey-looking, huh?
It’s a prototype, my buddy Elon Musk
asked me to test it out for him. The
next phase will be to add all the
electronics. Elon and I will make a
fortune off these once we get them
in mass production. You ladies let me
know if you’re interested in investing,
now’s the time!
Roberts leans in close to Margaret.
ROBERT
(whispers)
Bullshit. I saw his grandkid making
that chair out of stuff he pulled
Out of the dumpster.
AT THE FRONT OF THE ROOM
BINGO CALLER BETTY
O -73! Our first number is O-73!
ROBERT
(still whispering)
I could make a better chair than that.
AT TRENT’S TABLE
TRENT
No, Delores, he said O-73, not I-23.
DELORES
Oh dear, I always hear it wrong.
TRENT
That’s okay, honey, I’m happy
to be your ears. You too Lynn,
whatever you ladies want, I’m your guy.
BINGO CALLER
B-7! I repeat for you old geezers, B-7!
AT ROBERT’S TABLE
Robert scowls, turns to CANDICE, another senior, at his table.
ROBERT
You know he’s been sneaking into her
room at night, and I hear she’s not
the only one!
Candice blushes, avoids Robert by marking her bingo cards.
BINGO CALLER BETTY
I-26!
ROBERT
(softly to Candice)
One of the nurse’s been sneaking
him Viagra so he can keep up – get it?
Candice leaps up, tosses her bingo cards at the back of Trent’s head and runs out of the room in tears.
Trent turns and glares at Robert, then plugs his nose.
TRENT
Whoa! Time to try some new deodorant, Buddy.
Robert sniffs his armpits.
LATER
BINGO CALLER BETTY
N-44. Are you old farts still
Awake out there? N-44!
TRENT
Bingo! That’s Bingo! Third one today!
I’d jump up if I could!
AT ROBERT’S TABLE
ROBERT
(not so quiet now)
One of the nurses told me the guy
has no problem walking. Uses the
chair to get the ladies’ sympathies.
Trent whirls around in his chair and faces Robert.
TRENT
(very loudly)
Why don’t you be a man just once,
and say what you think to my face.
Everyone around them stops chattering to watch the two men spar.
ROBERT
You mean like my suspicion you
and Betty there rigged this entire
game to win every round to rip us
all off?
Trent pushes Robert’s table hard.
TRENT
Why would I do that? I don’t need
the money.
ROBERT
That’s not what Sheila in accounting says.
TRENT
(raising his fists)
Let’s go asshole!
ROBERT
Now now, you know how I am, all
talk, let’s just relax and enjoy your
birthday.
BINGO CALLER BETTY
There’s really no way to rig my
ball machine, you know. I can
show you, after the party.
ROBERT
See, there’s no need for hurt feelings,
we should all just enjoy our games
and Trent’s cake. But I do want to
see that machine later on.
(beat)
It’ll make poor Trent feel better.
LATER – AFTER THE PARTY
Robert, Trent, Margaret and Bingo Betty are by the door of the Rec Room’s Supply Closet.
Robert catches Bingo Betty wink. Trent smiles back at her.
ROBERT
See! They’re in on it together
to get our money!
BINGO CALLER BETTY
Just go on in the closet then. You
can check out the machine for yourself.
TRENT
I’ll show you how it works, Dummy,
there’s no way to rig the balls.
Robert using his walker, clomps his way into the big storage closet followed by Trent in his wheelchair.
Trent wheels himself in hard – ramming the backside of Robert’s legs. Robert topples forward but catches himself using his arms on his walker
ROBERT
Watch it asshole!
TRENT
Get your fat ass out of the way then!
ROBERT
I should smash your face with my walker!
Suddenly, Bingo Caller Betty slams the door shut, and Margaret swiftly pulls out the closet key and locks the door.
KNOCKING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR
ROBERT (Off Screen)
Hey! What’s the idea?
TRENT (O.S.)
Open the door! I’m claustrophobic!
ROBERT (O.S.)
Bullshit.
There’s a loud thud on the other side of the door –
ROBERT (O.S.)
Ouch!
Margaret and Bingo Caller Betty smile at each other. More of the ladies approach, including Lynn, Candice and Delores.
MARGARET
(Shouting at the door)
You boys will stay in there until
one of you kills the other one, or
you make peace!
BINGO CALLER BETTY
I’ll bet twenty on Trent!
DELORES
I’ll take that bet.
-
Juliet,
Your depiction of Trent is spot on with his traits and subtext. Robert’s subtext is right on. He’s a character all of us have struggled with, I think. Smooth and gregarious vs. Low Self-Esteem. You did a good job with this. He is gregarious in the opening and the low self-esteem shows up when he deals with Trent (which makes sense that showing personality traits differs depending on the company the character is in). Good job!
-
-
Very Interesting Scene settting. I never would have tought of it that way. Just assuming the back room was the water and the fight was the fish. Henry
-
A DINNER DATE
By Sandra Hildreth
INT. TRENT’S KITCHEN – DAY
Trent’s kitchen is meticulously clean and organized. The dishes behind the glass doored cabinets are organized by function and lined up or stacked by size and shape perfectly. A shiny chrome tray on the otherwise empty countertop next to the refrigerator holds three footed coffee cups, a napkin holder full of neatly folded paper napkins, a sugar bowl, creamer, a spoon resting on a napkin, and a half-full coffee pot.
The black appliances, glass stove-top and granite countertop shine brilliantly.
TRENT, 42, still in his pajamas and silk robe, sips his coffee as he reads the morning newspaper. He carefully folds the paper, lays it on the table, picks up his phone and dials a number.
TRENT
Hi, Robert. How are you this bright and sunny morning?
ROBERT (V.O.)
Trent. How perfectly lovely to hear from you.
TRENT
Do you have any plans this evening?
ROBERT (V.O.)
No. Why?
TRENT
How would you like to join me for spaghetti? A friend brought by some marvelous sauce and I can’t wait to taste it.
ROBERT (V.O.)
I’d love to. What time?
TRENT
8:00?
ROBERT (V.O.)
Can I bring anything?
TRENT
Oh, that would be lovely. The Wine Shop near you has some Napa Valley Cabernet Sauvignon, 2019, that would pair perfectly. Oh, and if you could also stop at that bakery next door and pick up a baguette, we’d be all set.
ROBERT (V.O.)
Sauvignon, 2019, and baguette. Sounds easy enough. I’ll be there at 8:00.
TRENT
Good. See you tonight.
ROBERT (V.O.)
Tonight.
Trent looks at the phone’s screen, pushes the red phone icon, sets it carefully on the table, picks up the paper, unfolds it, and resumes reading it.
INT. TRENT’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Soft music plays in the background.
Trent pulls two of everything out of the cabinets and drawers he needs to set the table – dinner plates, salad plates, soup bowls, wine glasses, water glasses, dinner knives, soup spoons, white cloth napkins. A low-profile flower arrangement is in the middle of the table flanked by two ornate candelabras with twisted, white candles. He sets up the place settings on opposite sides of the table, making sure each piece is in exactly the right place.
He takes a pitcher of water from the refrigerator, fills the two water glasses, and returns the pitcher to the fridge.
From the countertop, Trent takes two lidded bowls, a bowl of finely grated parmesan cheese with a small serving spoon, and a plate of antipasto and places them on the dining table. He checks his watch. 8:10.
The Doorbell RINGS. Trent rubs his hands together, holds his head up high, strides to the front door and opens it wide.
Robert stands at the front door, wine bottle in one hand, a baguette in a bakery bag in the other. He lifts both hands up in greeting, lowers them, and enters.
TRENT
Oh, you brought the wine and bread. Goodie. 2019?
ROBERT
Yes, 2019. A bit more expensive than my usual, but spending an evening with you is worth it.
TRENT
Oh, you are too kind, my friend.
Trent takes the wine and bread and gestures toward the table.
TRENT
Have a seat. Either chair. I’ll be right there.
Robert pulls out a chair and sits down.
Trent puts the baguette on a bread tray with bread knife and butter pats. He looks at the wine bottle’s label, nods in satisfaction, and uncorks the wine. He takes the bread tray to the table, sets the bread down, pours wine into the wine glasses, sets the bottle down, pulls a lighter out of his pocket and lights the candles. He takes a step back and looks over the table and his guest.
TRENT
Ah, perfect.
Trent takes the lids off the bowls, puts them on the countertop, takes the salad bowl out of the refrigerator and picks up the spaghetti spoon, sauce ladle, and salad tongs waiting on the countertop. He puts the salad on the table and places the utensils in the appropriate bowls.
TRENT
Ready? Please, you go first.
ROBERT
Thank you. This looks and smells delicious.
Trent cuts a few slices off the baguette, setting aside the heal, while Robert fills his plate. Once filled, Robert generously sprinkles his food with the parmesan cheese.
Trent fills his plate, but does not use the parmesan cheese. Robert does not notice the omission.
The men carry on a conversation as they eat.
TRENT
I understand you work with Harriet?
ROBERT
Harriet Wilson?
TRENT
Yes. Harriet Wilson.
ROBERT
Yes. Sweet lady. She and I are good friends.
TRENT
More parmesan?
ROBERT
Thank you, yes. I’m very fond of parmesan and this is particularly good.
Robert sprinkles more parmesan over his spaghetti.
TRENT
Really? I heard you and she are enemies, that you don’t like her at all.
ROBERT
I’m not sure who told you that, but it’s quite the opposite. I admire her a great deal.
TRENT
Oh, please, tell me what you admire about her. I think she’s quite delightful.
ROBERT
Certainly! She’s always to work on time, helps anyone who asks, always has a smile, she’s very attractive, she’s raising three children on her own and, from what I understand, is doing a very good job of it.
Robert eats the last bite off his plate, pats his lips, and sets the napkin beside the plate. Robert does the same.
TRENT
Amazing. Those are the very same things I admire about her, and although I can’t testify about her being at work on time and helping her coworkers, that fits in with her personal attributes perfectly. Finished?
ROBERT
Yes. Everything was delicious. Thank you so very much.
TRENT
I’m glad you like it. I prepared everything just for you. I would like to show you a photo of Harriet and me in the guest room. Care to join me?
ROBERT
I would like that very much.
Trent leads the way to the guest room. He walks to the dresser and picks up a photo of he and Harriet, taken when they were much younger. He hands it to Robert. Robert looks at it, studies it, looks into Robert’s face and carefully puts it back on the dresser.
ROBERT
So you’ve been friends a long time?
TRENT
A very long time. But I have a question for you. What about her computer viewing habits?
ROBERT
Computer viewing habits?
TRENT
Yes. You know, her propensity of watching porn when she’s on her breaks or at lunch? On the company’s computer?
Robert ceases smiling and looks gravely at Trent.
ROBERT
I don’t know what you mean.
TRENT
Really? That’s not what I heard. When it was announced that you and she were in competition for the same position, you didn’t go immediately to H.R. and tell them you saw Harriet watching porn?
ROBERT
That wasn’t me, I swear.
TRENT
Liar! H.R. called Harriet in, ready to fire her. Luckily, the computer history and surveillance cameras showed Harriet to be completely innocent. Why would you do that?
ROBERT
Why did she think it was me?
TRENT
Easy. Harriet was at the other end of the hall when you and the head of H.R. left the office.
ROBERT
(Sputtering)
I, I, I, well, it could have been me…
TRENT
You’ve gone too far, Robert. You might think your gossiping was cute, or funny, or whatever, but you’ve really hurt someone this time. Someone very close to me. My daughter.
Trent draws back his fist, hits Robert until his face is bruised and bloody. Robert drops to the floor.
ROBERT
Please, no more. Please stop.
TRENT
I’ll stop, but you may want to get home quickly. That cheese was highly laced with a very strong laxative. And, by the way, expect a visit from H.R.
-
Rewrite for QE Cycle 1 Scene
INT. MOONBASE – NIGHT
Administration and security personnel gather in the auditorium. A festive atmosphere as everyone is dressed in their finest outfits with drinks in hand.
ROBERT (35) is the command executive manager. He mingles with two of his subordinates, POLICY and HUMAN RESOURCES MANAGERS.
ROBERT
And have you heard that Trent is mishandling the command’s finances?
POLICY MANAGER
First time I hear of such a thing.
ROBERT
Well, it’s a fact.
HR MANAGER
You don’t think highly of yourself, don’t you Robert? That type of news is bound to ruin someone.
Robert nods defiantly, but confidently and takes the stage. He waits for silence to take over the space…
ROBERT
As we complete our first year on our out of this world home, I must say a toast is in order.
Robert raises his champagne glass and the crowd follows suit.
ROBERT
To our work and aggressive efforts to make this the best space command in the solar system.
TRENT (30) is the command finance officer. He stands in the rear and smirks in disgust with what he’s hearing. He is surrounded by TWO OFFICERS under his management.
TRENT
He thinks he can take all the credit for our accomplishment. Standing there giving a speech.
FIRST OFFICER
Do you still want to go through with your plan?
SECOND OFFICER
Violence should never be the only answer.
TRENT
Of course not. But it will make my point. So, we’ll wait till he’s done.
Robert sips his champagne like a professional taste judge.
ROBERT
This fine drink was procured by the man himself.
Robert points to Trent in the crowd. They all turn and shine the spotlight on Trent.
ROBERT
His financial expertise is the best. He could do more, but that’s who he is.
Trent fumes with rage at the commentary.
TRENT
Keep talking, it’s almost time.
SECOND OFFICER
We could be suspended or removed permanently, if we go through with it.
TRENT
Both of you will be compensated extremely well. No need to second guess me.
FIRST OFFICER
Your money isn’t going to help us when we’re locked up.
TRENT
That’ll never happen. You have my word.
Robert finishes his drink on stage and loses his footing a bit.
ROBERT
Whoa! What’s in this? I never tasted sparkling champagne with that much kick.
Some LAUGHTER springs from the crowd, as Robert steps down from the stage.
Robert joins a SECURITY GUARD on the main floor.
ROBERT
Is the backroom all set?
SECURITY GUARD
It’s all set. But, someone’s career is over.
ROBERT
We can only hope.
SECURITY GUARD
Well, there’s nowhere to run. All the oxygen is in here.
Robert taps the security guard on the shoulder and gives the okay. He then glides toward Trent and the two officers…
ROBERT
Thank you for showing up.
TRENT
I wouldn’t miss this for the world.
ROBERT
I see you have the best of the best accompanying you tonight.
The two officers nod their heads.
TRENT
Thank you for the complement up there. My money thanks you.
ROBERT
No problem. I wish I were so set up in life. Things would be better for me.
TRENT
We’re holding a special private get together down the hall. Care to join us?
Robert glances at the two officers who offer reserved blank stares. In a withholding stance.
ROBERT
Sounds good. Shall we?
Trent leads Robert and the two officers down the corridor to a corner room.
Trent opens the door and walks in followed by Robert and the two officers.
TRENT
Here we are.
ROBERT
Yes we are.
Robert closes the door. Then the two officers POUNCE on Trent.
FIRST OFFICER
You think your money’s good out here?!
SECOND OFFICER
Yeah, you turd! Party’s over chief!
Trent grimaces and squirms on the floor from the intense beating.
ROBERT
Your fake money can’t buy everything. Especially protection.
The security guard stands outside the backroom as the POUNDING continues. The YELLS OF AGONY permeating the door make him wipe sweat off his forehead.
-
Scene – Rewrite of Second Version
INT. DIRTY CAR REPAIR SHOP – NIGHT
TRENT enters.
ROBERT closes and locks the door.
Trent overdoes a Boston accent.
TRENT
This a tough nabahhood?Robert picks up a glass of champagne. Nods at a second glass.
Trent raises the other one.
ROBERT
To the New Year.TRENT
The New Yeah!Trent takes a sip. Eyes a second-hand desk. Sees rips in an upholstered chair.
ROBERT
Our bright future ahead.I was pleased to introduce
you to my sister.TRENT
Madge is quite a gal.ROBERT
But not so much lately.Trent feels woozy. Sets his glass down.
Robert opens a backroom door.
ROBERT
Have a seat.Trent enters the room and sits on a cot. Slumps over. Falls asleep.
LATER Trent wakes up. Goes to the door and pulls on the door handle. It’s locked.
From the outside, Robert opens the door and enters.
ROBERT
Madge’s pregnant because of you.TRENT
What?ROBERT
You’re lucky. She wants to
keep the baby and marry you.
TRENT
We had sex only once. A week ago.
How could she know she’s preggers.ROBERT
You sound like an expert. Rape a lot of girls.TRENT
There was no rape.ROBERT
We won’t report it as long as you cooperate.Trent puts his glass down. Takes a step forward.
TRENT
What’d yuh mean?ROBERT
If you don’t marry her, you’ll
pay child support from now on.TRENT
You can’t prove I’m the dad.Robert slides Trent’s glass into a plastic baggy.
ROBERT
DNA don’t lie.TRENT
I can’t afford to marry nobody.ROBERT
What happened with the “pahk my cah in Ha-vid Sqar.”TRENT
Or support a kid. I’m nearly broke.ROBERT
What about those fancy
vacations. The Maserati?TRENT
I watch Travel TV about fab vacations.
Impresses folks. The wheels are an old
friend’s. She’s in a wheelchair. I fetch her
eats. Lets me use the Maserati weekends.ROBERT
I don’t buy it.Trent shakes the door. It won’t open.
The door POPS open. MARVIN, a big-boned mouth breather, enters.
Trent pushes past him. Marvin punches him in the solar plexus.
Air abruptly exits Trent. Hands drop to his knees. Tiny gasps.
ROBERT
This is Marvin.
Oh, I see you’ve met.TRENT
I’m ain’t the guy you think.Marvin guides Trent who stumbles down the hall to a repair bay.
A hydraulic hoist holds a car overhead.
Marvin raises and tapes his hands to the tailpipe of the raised car.
Trent is trapped under a car that will fall at the touch of a button.
Robert speaks to Marvin.
ROBERT
Remember, the ER. Not the morgue.
Marvin punches Trent. # -
this is a test
-
Scene – Rewrite of Second Version
INT. DIRTY CAR REPAIR SHOP – NIGHT
TRENT enters.
ROBERT closes and locks the door.
Trent overdoes a Boston accent.
TRENT
This a tough nabahhood?Robert picks up a glass of champagne. Nods at a second glass.
Trent raises the other one.
ROBERT
To the New Year.TRENT
The New Yeah!Trent takes a sip. Eyes a second-hand desk. Sees rips in an upholstered chair.
ROBERT
Our bright future ahead.I was pleased to introduce
you to my sister.TRENT
Madge is quite a gal.ROBERT
But not so much lately.Trent feels woozy. Sets his glass down.
Robert opens a backroom door.
ROBERT
Have a seat.Trent enters the room and sits on a cot. Slumps over. Falls asleep.
LATER Trent wakes up. Goes to the door and pulls on the door handle. It’s locked.
From the outside, Robert opens the door and enters.
ROBERT
Madge’s pregnant because of you.TRENT
What?ROBERT
You’re lucky. She wants to
keep the baby and marry you.
TRENT
We had sex only once. A week ago.
How could she know she’s preggers.ROBERT
You sound like an expert. Rape a lot of girls.TRENT
There was no rape.ROBERT
We won’t report it as long as you cooperate.Trent puts his glass down. Takes a step forward.
TRENT
What’d yuh mean?ROBERT
If you don’t marry her, you’ll
pay child support from now on.TRENT
You can’t prove I’m the dad.Robert slides Trent’s glass into a plastic baggy.
ROBERT
DNA don’t lie.TRENT
I can’t afford to marry nobody.ROBERT
What happened with the “pahk my cah in Ha-vid Sqar.”TRENT
Or support a kid. I’m nearly broke.ROBERT
What about those fancy
vacations. The Maserati?TRENT
I watch Travel TV about fab vacations.
Impresses folks. The wheels are an old
friend’s. She’s in a wheelchair. I fetch her
eats. Lets me use the Maserati weekends.ROBERT
I don’t buy it.Trent shakes the door. It won’t open.
The door POPS open. MARVIN, a big-boned mouth breather, enters.
Trent pushes past him. Marvin punches him in the solar plexus.
Air abruptly exits Trent. Hands drop to his knees. Tiny gasps.
ROBERT
This is Marvin.
Oh, I see you’ve met.TRENT
I’m ain’t the guy you think.Marvin guides Trent who stumbles down the hall to a repair bay.
A hydraulic hoist holds a car overhead.
Marvin raises and tapes his hands to the tailpipe of the raised car.
Trent is trapped under a car that will fall at the touch of a button.
Robert speaks to Marvin.
ROBERT
Remember, the ER. Not the morgue.Marvin punches Trent. #
-
EXT. AMAZON FOREST – CABIN- DAY
A crowd of media crams into the door and windows with microphones and cameras.
INT. AMAZON FOREST – CABIN – DAY
A makeshift podium with a mass of microphones, each announcing their station’s call letters.
A hush falls over the murmuring journalists as two men enter the room. Robert in a suit and Trent in jungle gear from head to toe. Trent steps up to the podium, clears his throat, and – Robert pushes him aside.
ROBERT
You may have heard the rumors of our discovery here last week.
Trent glares, mouths “our?”
ROBERT
We at Resources Unlimited have always had you, the masses, in mind. And today we bring you yet another milestone in medical breakthroughs.
Pulls Trent beside him with a hearty shoulder hug.
ROBERT
And this big guy had a hand in it.
TRENT
BOTH hands. I’ll show you–
Robert pushes Trent away.
ROBERT
I’ll show you, actually, though I never thought I would see the day. When I was a child, I was poor. My mother–
Trent shoves Robert right off the podium.
TRENT
Yes, Robert, we all know your rags-to-riches sorry story. Nobody wants to hear it yet again. I admit, I couldn’t have done it alone, and had to beg Resources Unlimited for every penny they lent me–
Robert squeezes in.
ROBERT
GAVE, Trent. Gave. Because that’s who we are. We’ve had to keep this operation under wraps for weeks now, listening to the gossip about Trent, his filthy habits, how he beats the natives into submission–
JOURNALIST 1
We didn’t hear any of that.
ROBERT
Well you’re hearing it now. How he==
Treant shoves Robert off the podium.
TRENT
About how he is now going to build a state-of-the-art laboratory on this very spot, when the royalties for MY discovery roll in.
Holds up a thick packet.
TRENT
I have dotted every ‘I’ and crossed every ‘t’ in my
(glances at Robert on the floor)
IRON CLAD contract. Yes, I needed you then, but now…
Glances at the sea of journalists.
TRENT
Well, no man is an island. Perhaps I still need you guys–
Robert with a baseball bat slams Trent in the stomach, doubling him over, and sending him careening off the podium.
ROBERT
You see how unpredictable he can be, leaping off the stage without so much as a by-your-leave. As I was saying, you can’t trust him, but you can trust Resources Unlimited, where–
Trent leaps back on stage.
TRENT
Where the funds will be pouring into my pockets, and I will build a laboratory–
ROBERT
Where our employees will work day in and day out, finally letting the public in our secrets, necessary for now because he–
JOURNALIST 1
Get to the creature!
TRENT
Robert will show it to you shortly.
Robert is stunned.
ROBERT
Well, thank you, Trent, for finally giving me my due. This is quite unexpected. Maybe not all the stories about you are true. And I will accept your donation of the laboratory. It’s about time something in my life goes right for me. When I was young and my mother was poor–
JOURNALIST 1
GET TO THE CREATURE!
TRENT
Well, you deserve everything that’s about to come to you, Robby.
ROBERT
It’s Robert.
TRENT
(sotto)
Not for long.
Suddenly on a screen behind them, a camera feed from the back room. A wooden crate with a guinea pig-sized ball of fur.
TRENT
Robert, please do the honors.
Robert hesitates.
ROBERT
Just me?
Trent nods. Gestures to the door. Smiles.
Robert walks to the door. Stops. Glances around the room.
ROBERT
Does anyone want to come with me?
The journalists have grown silent. They stare at Trent. All shake their heads.
Robert swallows. Looks up at the screen. The furry little creature stirs. Sighs.
ROBERT
Oh, what can a little thing like that do?
TRENT
Cure cancer, if my research is accurate.
ROBERT
It always is. Oh, what the Hell?
Opens the door.
ON SCREEN
All eyes are glued to the screen. Into the shot steps Robert. He reaches down to pet the ball of fur. It purrs. Robert’s heart melts.
ROBERT
Awww, listen to it.
Gently lifts it out of the crate. More purrs. Robert looks at the camera.
ROBERT
It loves me! Isn’t it cute? And it can cure cancer, too?
TRENT
I thought it could. But I was wrong. My research was flawed.
ROBERT
Then why…?
TRENT
It’s not the babies that cure cancer. It’s their mothers. And another thing I discovered – they don’t like people grabbing their babies.
Robert’s eyes focus on something off screen. They get bigger and bigger. We see tentacles reach for Robert who struggles but is dragged off screen. The baby is placed back in the crate by a single, gently tentacle.
Then Robert flies across the screen into a wall. Tentacles drag him away. We don’t hear anything.
Trent has turned off the volume. He holds up the contract.
TRENT
If he doesn’t survive, I become the CEO.
(to Research Unlimited employees)
Does anyone want to give your boss a helping hand?
No one moves. They just gape at the screen as Robert goes flying back and forth and back and forth and back and forth…
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