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Exchange feedback on Mastery Cycle 4
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posted this in error.
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This is my scene from Lesson 17
LOGLINE: Renee accompanies her friend, Maxine, to a secret meet-up with Maxine’s online boyfriend, but all is not as it seems.
ESSENCE: A friend can push you to your limit.
TRAIT CHANGED: I changed Maxine from Tricky to Formidable.
SCENE:
INT. OAKLAND MALL – NIGHT
RENEE, 16, perfectly coifed and polished and MAXINE, 16, fit and muscular in grunge, walk down a large corridor.
This is a sad shell of a once vibrant mall. A quarter of the shops are open and there's an eerie feeling of desolation.Maxine spots a tall, bald man who walks quickly toward them.
MAXINE
You sure you didn't tell anyone about this?RENEE
Absolutely!MAXINE
Then why is Principle Skinner walking towards us like he's got a vendetta?RENEE
Pardonez-moi?PRINCIPAL SKINNER stops. He wears Sketchers and sweats.
RENEE
Principal Skinner!PRINCIPAL SKINNER
Girls! What brings you here?RENEE
I'll ask you the same!MAXINE
What's it to you?PRINCIPAL SKINNER
Getting my steps in! The mall’s closing. C’mon. I’ll walk you both out.RENEE
How kind! Thank you so much!Renee turns to follow. Maxine shoots her daggers’.
RENEE
But we came to get our Cinnabon on.PRINCIPAL SKINNER
Oh, well, better hurry. See you at school!MAXINE
Bye!RENEE
Au revoir!MAXINE
What a tool. That was so freaking close. If he tells my parents he saw me, I’m cooked.RENEE
Perhaps it’s a sign to turn back.MAXINE
Sure you didn’t tell him I’d be here?RENEE
Well played. I must admit defeat. I’ve got Principal Skinners personal phone number and I texted him earlier to ask him to meet us at the mall so he could meet your online boyfriend.MAXINE
Shhh! Don’t talk so loud about it.RENEE
Let us proceed. I’m sure we’re one step closer to being abducted, but we need get to the fountain before security escorts us out.MAXINE
What security? There’s nothing to secure. Besides I can handle myself. I told you to take the expressway.RENEE
It’s under construction!They walk past several shops that are closed. The windows are papered over and the entrances are gated and locked.
RENEE
I find this place rather unsettling. Not exactly a romantic rendezvous for your beloved Arlo.MAXINE
Stop dissing him. You’re free to leave anytime.RENEE
I refuse to abandon you.MAXINE
You had no problem leaving me alone before.RENEE
Could we please refrain from revisiting that topic? I’m here to make things right.They pass a suave, middle-aged Albanian Man. He watches them.
Renee grabs Maxine’s hand.RENEE
(whispering)
Whoa! Creepy. He’s giving off major Ted Bundy vibes.MAXINE
He’s packing.Worried, Renee turns around for another look. He’s greeted by another Albanian man.
RENEE
Silly us. I think they own that shoe store… maybe.The girls arrive at the fountain. It’s a large pool that once cascaded fresh clear water, but is now empty. The entrance gate on a nearby abandoned shop is half open.
RENEE
Oh, Look, a perfect place for Arlo to kidnap you and whisk you through the back delivery door to a waiting van outside.MAXINE
As if. Stop trying to make me nervous. I’ve thought of everything. What could possibly go wrong?RENEE
Famous last words.
Both girls sit on the edge of the fountain. Nobody is around.MAXINE
Where could he be?Maxine gets out her phone and texts. So does Renee.
Insert Renee’s Phone: She types: “Where are you?” Response: “I’m at Forever 21” She types: “I said the Fountain” Response: “oops, on my way.”
Renee sighs, rolls her eyes, and looks around anxiously.
RENEE
Slowly dying here. What does he say?MAXINE
Nothing. You should have taken the expressway!RENEE
Perhaps it’s for the best. It’s more appropriate to meet a nice fellow at church or at school…
Maxine looks over at a column. Someone stands behind it. She lights up and walks towards it.MAXINE
Arlo? Is that you?Renee fumbles in her purse.
RENEE
Wait. Let me get my pepper spray.MAXINE
Hello! Arlo?RENEE
Shouldn’t you be playing hard-to-get?Maxine circles the column. The person evades her. She keeps circling, trying to catch him. She laughs.
MAXINE
Arlo! Stop! It’s me! Maxine!She catches him by the shirt. He stops and turns: JOSH, 19, a big kid with s soft, dopey face. Maxine is horrified.
MAXINE
Josh!? What the hell?!RENEE
Josh, what a coincidence! What brings you here?JOSH
I uh, I don’t…He looks helplessly at Renee. Maxine catches on.
MAXINE
Renee. You promised you wouldn’t tell a soul. And now my brother is here! My brother!Maxine bursts into tears and runs away.
RENEE
Maxine!MAXINE
I never want to see you again. Ever. (calling) Arlo! Arlo?Renee turns to run but Josh stops her.
RENEE
I can’t just let her go!JOSH
You’ve interfered enough already.RENEE
I had to tell somebody! I was worried! She can be so reckless! Where is this loser anyway?JOSH
I made him up.RENEE
You what?JOSH
Do you think I’d let her meet a stranger online? It was the only way I could protect her. I thought when the guy didn’t actually show up, it would shatter her fairytale dream and bring her back to reality.Maxine SCREAMS. There’s a GUNSHOT. Renee and Josh exchange an alarmed glance and take off toward the noise.
RENEE
The Albanians!Renee and Josh come upon Maxine, in shock, who stands, shaking, holding a gun over a prostrate Albanian.
MAXINE
He tried to grab me!-
Great job. I could visualize the setting with the old mall. I enjoyed the nod to The Simpson’s Principal Skinner. You used many interest techniques that helped keep the scene flowing. Both of the character’s subtexts were fulfilled. The only thing I wasn’t sure about was Renee’s conformity.
RENEE
Traits
– Prissy- “It’s more appropriate to meet a nice fellow at church or at school…” “She can be so reckless! Where is this loser anyway?” “shouldn’t you be playing hard-to-get?”
– Devious-when she texts Maxine’s brother, we find out there’s something afoul with a plan
– Outgoing- “How kind! Thank you so much!”
– Conformist-not sure where this is? Perhaps “I find this place rather unsettling. Not exactly a romantic rendezvous for your beloved Arlo.”Subtext: Renee is a devious person who believes she is entitled to win at any cost.
MAXINE
Traits
– Tricky—changed to formidable “I’ve thought of everything. What could possibly go wrong?”
– Snobbish- “what a tool”
– Paranoid- “Sure you didn’t tell him I’d be here?” “You sure you didn't tell anyone about this?”
– Emotionally Wounded- “You had no problem leaving me alone before.”Subtext: Maxine is a tricky woman who plots to get what she wants.
Interest techniques:
Something unseen-The online boyfriend, Arlo
Creating a future-Renee and Maxine walking around the mall and Maxine being somewhat paranoid whether Arlo will be there or not.
Anticipatory dialogue-Maxine wondering where Arlo can be
Cliffhanger- Maxine shooting one of the Albanians
Uncomfortable moment-when Maxine realizes her brother is there
Dilemma-Renee choosing to tell Josh in order to protect Maxine
Hook-Renee tells Maxine’s brother about the online boyfriend, when the online boyfriend is actually Maxine’s brother, who does it to protect Maxine.-
Thanks, Blair, for your generous feedback. I appreciate you taking the time to pinpoint your insights. For some reason I went with “Principle Skinner” but couldn’t figure out why I wanted that name – and then you reminded me it was from “The Simpsons”! Of course! I completely forgot.
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Hi Deborah, I really loved the set-up — a naive girl going along to meet the guy she’s ‘met’ online, and her friend tagging along to protect her from any possible danger — and I agree with virtually everything Blair said about your scene. You hit a lot of the traits and made good use of Interest Techniques but I felt you could have built the anticipation and suspense more.
Maxine’s paranoid trait comes across when she suspects Renee of alerting the Principal, but I felt as the scene progressed that Renee out-did Maxine in the paranoid stakes. It was Renee who feared danger, abduction etc, whilst Maxine seemed fairly sanguine. I felt you could have made more of ‘blind date’ aspect of it and how Maxine’s paranoia might begin to mount as they go deeper into the desolate mall, and then Arlo fails to show up.
I think there was more possibility for anticipation and suspense, as Maxine waits for her date, and also her ‘emotionally wounded’ trait could possibly have been used more. As this is the first time she’s meeting Arlo, wouldn’t she be simultaneously excited and anxious, wondering will Arlo like her? Or will he turn and run as soon as he sees her? And what if he turns out to be a jerk?
When the truth of the situation is revealed — that Josh was behind it all along — I thought it was a great twist, but then I asked myself “Why would Josh show up there and have his devious plan exposed?” His plan, after all, was to crush Maxine’s dreams by have her waiting for a guy who doesn’t show up. All he has to do for his plan to succeed is to stay away – so it didn’t make sense (for me) for Josh to show up there and be seen by Maxine.
There was another small detail that confused me as I read it: I didn’t understand why Maxine mentioned the expressway twice. It felt like it a detail that wasn’t needed.
Thanks for your feedback on my scene — it’s much appreciated. I hope my comments are helpful. If not — please disregard!
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Thanks Chris – I appreciate all your insights… and some great ideas to build on. I guess I thought Josh was put in his own dilemma because Renee asked him to be there – but it needs some development. I didn’t want Renee to come across as paranoid – but I wanted her to continue to plant seeds of doubt and paranoia in Maxine… that’s why she says what she says – to try to steer Max away from the mall. It’s always good for me to see if/how my intentions are received – and what I need to do make them clear – so, again, thanks!
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I like the set up beginning with the desolate mall, the planned meeting with a sketchy online date, the chance encounter with the Principal, and the interaction between the two girls.
The appearance of Josh and Renee’s role in him being there is well constructed. The Albanian characters concept would have been extended as them involved as part of a lure to entrap Maxine into a sex trafficking ring which could enhance the story with heightened drama and stakes.
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This is my scene for Lesson 17 — Maxine and Renee.
LOGLINE: Maxine and Renee dance around an awkward revelation in a game of one-upmanship.
ESSENCE: Knowledge is Power.
TRAIT CHANGED: I changed Maxine’s trait from Tricky to Adventurous.EXT. MEDITERRANEAN HOTEL BALCONY/RESTAURANT PATIO – DAY
Maxine, an attractive professional woman in her mid 30s sits on her own at a table in the shade, overlooking the pool. She sips on a black coffee
Her friend/colleague RENEE, late 30s, joins her. She looks flustered.
Renee: Gosh, I’m SO sorry about earlier. I’m totally mortified. I did knock but I don’t suppose you heard me.
Maxine: No. But it’s fine, no biggie. But I would appreciate you keeping it to yourself.
Renee: Of course, my lips are sealed.
Maxine: I’d appreciate it if you didn’t mention any of it to Tracy or Clarissa. You know what they’re like. It would be round the office in no time. And I’d rather not be gossiped about for the next ten years.
Renee: Understood.
Maxine slides an ipad mini across the table. Renee drops it into her shoulder bag and puts it by her feet.
Renee: Thank you, you’re a life saver. Where was it finally?
Maxine: On the coffee-table, in plain sight.
Renee: Gosh. Was it? I was looking for it everywhere and then I heard you screaming –
Maxine: I wasn’t screaming —
Renee: Well anyway, I heard you – you know – whatever — and I thought you were being murdered or having a heart attack or something. Anyway, I’m sorry for the unwelcome intrusion.
She mimes zipping her lips.
Renee: Excuse me a second.
She taps a text message on her mobile phone. We read her text as she writes:
“FOR GOD’S SAKES DON’T MENTION ANYTHING TO MAXINE!! AND DON’T SAY A WORD ABOUT IT TO CLARISSA!!!!”
Renee smiles weakly and puts her phone face down on the table. A second or two later, it pings –
She checks and sees that the message has bounced back — hasn’t been delivered because of poor reception.
Renee: Darn. Anyway…he’s very handsome. Who was he anyway? He looked awfully familiar.
Maxine: (sighs) I’m not sure you need to know all the details.
Renee: No you’re right. I’m just curious that’s all. (laughs) Where’s the waiter? I need a mimosa. Hair of the dog and all that. It was quite a night wasn’t it. Well – more for you than for me, as it turned out, clearly.
She looks out across the pool and sees the LIFEGUARD strutting around the water’s edge.
Renee: Oh my God — it’s him! The lifeguard!
Maxine: Scch!
Renee: The lifeguard! Maxine — the lifeguard! I knew I’d seen him before!
Maxine (whispering): For goodness sakes!
Renee: Well I suppose if you are going to have a holiday fling then the lifeguard’s as good a place to start as any. He’ll be clean at least — that’s always a bonus.
Maxine glowers at her.
Renee: And why not? I’m all for it. These conferences can be terribly tedious. Another day or two like yesterday and I might think about having an affair myself.
Maxine: For heaven’s sakes I’m not having an affair. Maybe if I was married we could call it an affair, but I’m not – okay? I’m not.
Renee: So this is you getting back at Brian is it?
Maxine: No, this is not me getting back at Brian. I got back at Brian by divorcing him and taking the house. I’m way way way over getting back at Brian. This is about me having some fun after five miserable years.
Renee: Where’s that waiter? I don’t usually drink before midday but today I think I’ll make an exception.
A young waiter comes over.
Renee: I’d like a Mimosa please, and a bowl of olives, but only black olives I can’t abide the green ones. And not any of those fancy ones with peppers inside or anything like that. Just plain old black olives per favore. Grazie.
(pause)
So, forgive me, I have to ask… who’s the girl? She looked awfully fit.Maxine sighs.
Renee: Look – if you want me to keep your dark secrets then I think the least you can do is give me a few salacious details. (begging) Pleeaase (laughs). I’m SO bored!
Where’s that waiter?Renee looks around again for the waiter and instead sees — the young woman who Maxine spent the night with. One of the waitresses.
Maxine: Oh my God – it’s her!
Maxine closes her eyes in quiet exasperation/humiliation.
Renee: The lifeguard and the waitress! How marvellous.
The waiter arrives with the Mimosa and olives, which puts a pause in the conversation. When he leaves —
Renee: Maxine! I suppose we’ve all fantasised about a threesome now and again, haven’t we. But it’s one thing to fantasise, its another to actually go there. Brava.
She raises her glass: cheers.
Renee: I’m far too self conscious quite honestly. It’s bad enough having one person see me naked let alone two.
Maxine: You don’t have to be naked.
Renee: What?
Maxine: You can be half dressed, fully dressed. There’s no law that says you have to be naked.
Renee: I suppose not.
Maxine: In fact there’s no law that says you have to be anything.
Renee: Unless it’s illegal.
Maxine: Which fortunately it isn’t.
Renee: Indeed yes, that’s fortunate.
Maxine: Look I’m not ashamed of my sexuality.
Renee: Clearly.
Maxine: When Brian left I made a list of things I wanted to do – all the things I’d wanted to do but didn’t dare try for one reason and another —
Renee: A bucket list.
Maxine: Yes, kind of. But mine was a fucket list. I was faithful to Brian for five miserable years and the whole time he was bonking his secretary. So now – if I’m attracted to someone I go for it. Life’s too short
Renee: Wonderful. I’m envious quite honestly. I’m just surprised that’s all. You told me once you wouldn’t have sex with anyone unless they had a degree and made more than 40 grand a year.
Maxine: He has a degree.
Renee: The lifeguard?
Maxine: Paolo, yes. Mechanical engineering.
Renee: Oh good – you checked.
Maxine: I didn’t check. He just happened to mention it.
Renee: Before or after you had sex?
Maxine: During.
Renee: Well that was fortunate. I’d hate to see you breaking one of your ten commandments. What about the girl? She doesn’t look terribly bright. Stunning obviously…she must be all of what? Nineteen?
Maxine: Twenty five. She has a masters degree in English actually.
Renee: Really?
Maxine: And she’s writing a book on Garcia Lorca.
Renee: Well heavens. Times must be hard when a lovely looking girl with a Masters degree who’s writing a book on someone or other has to work as a hotel waitress.
Maxine: The tips. She makes more than we do. Look — after the year I’ve had I think I deserve a bit of fun.
Renee: Yes, I daresay you do.
Maxine: Speaking of fun…when I came across your ipad this morning…I couldn’t help but notice what was on it.
Renee freezes.
Maxine: I’m not judging you. You’re not hurting anybody as far as I can see. We’re all entitled to our private lives.
Renee nods, her face frozen in a sickly smile.
Maxine: So I really would appreciate you keeping this morning’s “events” to yourself. I’d hate Tracy or Clarissa to get an inkling, as I’m sure you understand.
Renee: Right. Got it. Yes. Would you excuse me for a minute.
She heads to the ladies’ rest room. As she’s out of Maxine’s eyeline she frantically calls Tracy on her cell phone. She gets the voice mail.
Renee: Trace it’s me, for God’s sakes pick up! Forget eveything I told you earlier. Don’t say a word about – you know. Don’t say a word to Clarissa, all right, and if you see Maxine for God’s sakes keep your mouth firmly zipped. Okay, thanks.”
She ends the call and heads back to the dining area.
She is horrified to see Clarissa and Tracy, both in their late 20s, approaching Maxine at the table.
Renee tries to head them off – but too late.
Tracy: Well aren’t you a dark horse! OMG tell us everything!
Maxine looks daggers at Renee, who knows the game is up.
***
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Hey Chris,
Another interesting/engaging scene. Your logline delivered – it was clearly a game of one-upmanship. The twist at the end, where we realize Maxine also has power over Renee (something on her iPad) delivered on the Essence. Both women had something to lose and something to hold over one another. Maxine’s Traits came across effectively… Adventurous, Snobbish, Paranoid and Emotionally wounded. It’s an interesting contrast with her traits – to be Adventurous and Paranoid at the same time.
You spend a lot of time with Renee, making us believe she has the upper hand. Because of this, Renee becomes more and more unsavory as the scene goes on. Perhaps that’s why it’s so satisfying in the end when we realize that Maxine has some dirt on her too.
Renee’s traits of being Prissy, Devious, and Outgoing are very strong. She comes across as a Conformist, yet she, too, has her own secrets. This is an effective use of ‘Character Changes Radically’.
Your Hook makes us wonder exactly what Renee walked in on… and you do a good job setting up and unraveling the “Mystery”… with some surprises along the way. “Tracy & Clarissa” is the “Something Unseen.” All of these made the other interest techniques come across very well… Uncomfortable Moment(s), Anticipatory Dialogue, Creating a Future, and the Cliffhanger.
I appreciate how you are always able to match up your characters with a challenging situation. Though they are friends/colleagues, I feel that Maxine spends a lot of time justifying herself/actions to Renee. However, there is nothing about Renee that seems trustworthy. She comes across more as a nosey neighbor. And maybe that’s the point, that these women, clearly are not friends… simply two people who want to one-up one another. I understand that I don’t have to like Renee, but I do wish there was something ‘redeeming’ or even ‘contractual’ about her that would make Maxine take the time to explain her actions.
Again, overall great job. Keep it up!
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Great job. Nice setting to have the events unfold. I enjoyed the fact that Renee was originally unable to send a text to her co-worker because of the signal. All of the traits showed up for both characters. The only thing that I didn’t see what Renee’s subtext. Yes, she was devious because she was already gossiping about Maxine, but I’m not sure where she shows she’s entitled to win at any cost.
RENEE
Traits
– Prissy- “…He’ll be clean at least — that’s always a bonus.” “I’m far too self conscious quite honestly. It’s bad enough having one person see me naked let alone two.”
– Devious- Renee has told her co-workers everything about Maxine’s night.
– Outgoing- The way Renee interacts with Maxine.
– Conformist- “Another day or two like yesterday and I might think about having an affair myself.”Subtext: Renee is a devious person who believes she is entitled to win at any cost.
MAXINE
Traits
– Tricky—to adventurous. –She has a three-way
– Snobbish- “… You know what they’re like. It would be round the office in no time…”
– Paranoid- when she shooshes Renee about the lifeguard.
– Emotionally Wounded- “…No, this is not me getting back at Brian. I got back at Brian by divorcing him and taking the house. I’m way way way over getting back at Brian. This is about me having some fun after five miserable years.”Subtext: Maxine is a tricky woman who plots to get what she wants.
Interest techniques:
Dilemma— Maxine asking Renee to not tell anyone about her fling and Renee realizing that she already told her friends about Maxine.
Creating a future—Renee calling Tracy to beg her not to tell anyone about Maxine.
Uncomfortable moment—When Renee walked in on Maxine having a three-way.
Anticipatory dialogue – When Renee asks Maxine about the people whom she had sex with and the conversation that arises from that.
Something unseen—The coworkers who Renee cannot get a hold of.
Cliffhanger—What’s going to happen to Renee now that Maxine knows she has spilled the beans.
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LOGLINE: Maxine confides with Renee about her pregnancy and the dominoes start to fall.
ESSENCE: Trust no one in High School.
TRAIT YOU CHANGED: Maxine from snobbish to panicky.
SCENE: INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
A sterile hallway contains lockers lined up and down two parallel walls. Seventeen year old MAXINE turns the combination lock to her locker and opens it. Sixteen year old RENEE approaches Maxine.
RENEE
Hey!Maxine jumps.
MAXINE
You startled me!RENEE
Sorry, Hun. How are you feeling?Maxine suspiciously looks around.
MAXINE
Shhh! Keep your voice down.Renee looks around the hall and gestures to the students.
RENEE
Look around, Max. No one here is listening. We're all just a bunch of obedient automatons counting down the days until we can walk out of this public school prison.Maxine takes some books out from her locker.
MAXINE
(softly)
To answer your question, I'm anxious as shit. My suspicion was correct.RENEE
You mean you're pregnant?Maxine nods.
RENEE
Oh my god. What do you think's gonna happen when people find out?MAXINE
That's why you have to promise that you will not tell anyone. I will never forgive you if you let this get out. And Jack really can't find out, not after what he did to me right after he dumped me.Maxine's eye's dart around as if she was looking for someone.
MAXINE
I am still intensely triggered whenever I see him.RENEE
I know you think I'm overly prim at times, but I promise I won't tell a soul.MAXINE
Good. I can't let anything get in my way with Mitch.Renee scowls and stares at Maxine.
RENEE
Wait. What? When did Mitch come into the picture?MAXINE
Like now. Our parents have been friends forever and they're coming over to our house for dinner tonight. If I play my cards right, Mitch will be my date to prom.Renee raises her eyebrows.
RENEE
Do you really think that's a good idea with what's going on in your present situation?Renee gestures to Maxine's stomach.
MAXINE
He's not going to find out!RENEE
Okay. Okay. I gotta run. I'm late for volleyball practice. Later.Maxine closes her locker and Renee walks down the hallway.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM – LATER
Loud voices and sneaker squeaks echo through the gym. Renee stands to the side of a net as the rest of the volleyball team warms up. Renee blows a whistle hanging from her neck. The gym noise slowly silences.
RENEE
Coach is going to be about twenty minutes late, so I will be leading and joining the drills until then.PLAYER
You go, Captain!The team laughs. Renee smirks.
RENEE
We're going to start out with some serves and receives. Everyone go to your assigned side.Renee joins the other players for the drill.
INT. GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM – LATER
Renee dries her hair with a towel. She sits down on a bench in front of her open locker. Another player, KELLY, sits down next to her.
KELLY
You okay, Renee? You seemed off your game today.RENEE
I know. I've got a lot on my mind.KELLY
Like what?RENEE
Well for one, I found out that Maxine is trying to coax Mitch into going to prom with her.KELLY
What? Doesn't Maxine know that you have always liked Mitch?RENEE
I don't think she cares.Renee continues to get dressed.
RENEE
And unless she does something soon, she may not be able to fit into a prom dress much longer.Kelly raises her eyebrows. Another student, EMILY, stands to the side of the lockers and eavesdrops. Renee pretends to be embarrassed.
RENEE
Oh shit. I don't know why I said that.KELLY
Is Maxine pregnant?RENEE
I swore I wouldn't tell. Please don't tell anyone.KELLY
I won't.Emily quietly walks away.
RENEE
She really did it this time. I know she can be reckless, but this takes the cake.INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY – MORNING
Chatter and sounds of lockers opening and closing. Renee hastily tries to get a book out of her locker. All eyes are on Maxine as she beelines to Renee.
MAXINE
How could you?Renee flinches.
RENEE
I'm so sorry, Max. I didn't mean to let it slip. I told Kelly not to tell anyone.MAXINE
She didn't. It was Emily.Renee sighs loudly. Students continue to whisper and stare at Maxine.
MAXINE
I'm totally screwed. Mitch found out and told his parents, who of course told my parents.RENEE
Wow. Word travels fast.MAXINE
I can't believe this is my life right now. First Jack and now this.Maxine glances around the hallway.
MAXINE
Mitch did ask me to prom, but I doubt he's going to still want to go with me. I'm freaking out!RENEE
It's going to be okay, Max. I've got your back.Maxine frowns at Renee and darts towards the girl's bathroom. Renee gives a sly smile.
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Hey Blair,
I love your Essence! It made me laugh.
While your Traits came through clearly, here are a few examples of how they stood out right away:
RENEE
Prissy: “I know you think I'm overly prim at times…”
Devious: “unless she does something soon, she may not be able to fit into a prom dress much longer”
Outgoing: (her way of engaging with Maxine)
Conformist “We're all just a bunch of obedient automatons…”MAXINE
Tricky: “If I play my cards right, Mitch will be my date to prom.”
Panicky: “I am still intensely triggered…”
Paranoid: “Shhh! Keep your voice down…”
Emotionally Wounded “not after what he did to me right after he dumped me.”Something unseen: Mitch
Mystery: will the secret remain a secret?
Anticipatory Dialogue: Maxine: “He's not going to find out!”
Uncomfortable Moment: Everyone staring at MaxineI don’t know if the scene in the Gym is necessary (to establish that Renee is a leader). You could cut right to the locker room without missing a beat.
I think it’s a great Cliffhanger at the end when “Renee gives a sly smile.” We know she likes Mitch, and she has motivation to turn the tables on Maxine, but we don’t know till the very end that she betrayed her on purpose.
I also like that, in the end, they both get what they want – Maxine is going to the prom with Mitch, yet Renee, with her betrayal, has made that future uncertain for Maxine. This is a great way to bring out both of their subtext successfully.
For Maxine, I think Panicky and Paranoid seem to be very closely related and it was hard for me to tell the difference between the two. Perhaps if she did or hinted at something she would do – that would bring about her “panic” – maybe she starts hyperventilating or has some sort of physical reaction that would cause Renee some concern – it could heighten the drama.
Keep up the great work!
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Hi Blair, I really enjoyed your scene and I thought the traits came across well. I’d agree with Deborah’s comment that panicky and paranoid seemed very similar. Perhaps ‘panicky’ isn’t really a trait? Just something that Maxine is experiencing in the moment, rather than a character trait she lives out constantly?
I agree too that you could lose the gym scene, as I don’t think it adds anything that we don’t know already. I love Renee’s duplicity and I want to know what happens next.Thanks for your comments on my scene. I think you’re right – I didn’t nail Renee’s need to win at all costs.
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Firdaus F Bilimoria Lesson 19 Cycle4 scene REWRITE
LOGLINE: The perpetual victim Maxine deceives and gets her revenge on her boss.
ESSENCE: A clash of two personalities and worlds, the entitled privileged Renee with all the undeserved recognition and success for work that was created by the vulnerable Maxine who finally stands up for herself and exacts vicious revenge.
SCENE:
INT. PUBLIC TELEVISION THEATRE STUDIO
RENEE, 40s, Caucasian, stylishly dressed in understated couture, is being interviewed on a stage in front of a live audience by ROTHMAN, 50s, exudes professorial gravitas.ROTHMAN
One of the most striking elements in the novel, is your profound treatment of every day lives of regular people.MAXINE, 30s, mixed-race, bespectacled, is in the audience seated in a side seat. Unlike other members of the audience who are smiling and enjoying the interview, Maxine appears uncomfortable.
RENEE
The proufoundity of the everyday is overwhelming for some of us, and I draw a great deal of inspiration and understanding from this.CLOSE-UP on Maxine: She smiles bitterly. She looks across the row and locks eyes with BRIAN, 30s, looking at her. She nods imperceptibly, and returns to watching the interview.
The sounds of the interview blur as the camera pans closer into Maxine’s expression, she appears to be undergoing severe emotional pain.ROTHMAN
Well, Renee, thanks for sharing your literary process with us. It’s been extremely enlightening, and if I may say so, inspirational to us all.The audience claps with fervor.
RENEE
Thanks for having me! It’s such an honor being interviewed by an esteemed critic as yourself, with such a scholarly audience. (audience claps) Modern literature needs journalists like you, and this audience, to survive.Renee stands up smiling, holding her joined palms at the chest, and bows to Rothman and then to the audience. The audiences rises in applause. Maxine remains sitting, she turns to see Brian watching her.
LATER:
The studio is almost empty. Maxine and Brian are speaking by the exit. Renee and Rothman are on the stage chatting. Renee keeps looking towards Maxine and Brian. Maxine nods and Brian touches her shoulder. He glances at Renee, and turns and leaves. Maxine leans against the wall and looks towards Renee who is now walking towards her.RENEE
(smiles broadly)
That was good?MAXINE
(beat)
Yes.RENEE
Let’s go to my dressing room. A bottle of champagne is waiting for us!Renee takes Maxine’s arm and guides her.
INT. DRESSING ROOM
Renee and Maxine walk in. A bucket of ice with a champagne bottle is by the dresser. Renee picks up the bottle and reads the label.RENEE
Ooh fancy schmancy!Maxine waits by the door. Renee removes the foil and pops the cork. She giggles joyfully as the champagne overflows from the bottle. There are glasses on the dresser and she fills up two of them. She beckons to Maxine to come over, and hands hers one of the glasses. They clink glasses. Renee takes a sip and makes an expression as if she is in heaven. Maxine sips and smiles politely.
RENEE
We have lots to celebrate!
(beat)
Oh! About that deal… I spoke to my publisher and we will make it worth your while!MAXINE
Thanks…RENEE
I saw you talking to that reporter…MAXINE
Brian…RENEE
(almost nervous)
He doesn’t know anything. Right?MAXINE
No.Renee smiles at Maxine.
MAXINE
We were just chatting.Still smiling, Renee watches Maxine carefully.
RENEE
(fake warmth)
We couldn’t have done this without you!Maxine takes a big gulp of the champagne.
RENEE
When we were discussing the deal, the publisher and I, we both agreed that since you did such good work editing (emphasis on “editing”) My book, in addition to the bonus we agreed on, you will get an extra 30 percent! From my end.Renee waits for a reaction from Maxine.
MAXINE
(flat)
Thanks.Maxine finishes her glass, then walks to the champagne bucket and refills her glass to the top. She take another long swallow as Renee watches.
RENEE
So… what did you think of the interview?MAXINE
It was nice.RENEE
The crowd loved it.Maxine’s lips almost curl in bitter derision.
MAXINE
It was a good crowd.
(beat)
They liked how you turn certain phrases, almost like some of the characters in the book. Like the ones I created.Renee evaluates Maxine, she seems not that surprised at the hostility but is apprehensive.
RENEE
What kind of phrases?MAXINE
Profoundity for one. Is that even in the dictionary?RENEE
It fits the novel, and the characters.MAXINE
Which I created. I wasn’t just the editor. You guys brought me on to write the thing. But wouldn’t admit it.RENEE
We had a deal. The publisher…MAXINE
Took advantage of my emotional state, with what happened in my family!RENEE
We were helping you through a tough phase in your life!MAXINE
You made me write about my life and took credit for it!RENEE
You are exaggerating! I wrote the book. Some of your ideas made it through maybe, but it’s my work. It’s all in the contract we signed.MAXINE
You plagiarized my life for heaven’s sake!Maxine is tearing up, almost hysterical in her angst.
RENEE
Now look here Missy! Where I come from a deal’s a deal and you better stick to the one we signed!MAXINE
Where you come from? Your ivy league banker parents privileged entitled fucking background! What the fuck do you know about the “profoundity” of everyday people of mixed ethnicity?Renee regards Maxine with steely eyes.
RENEE
We have a lot of lawyers where we come from. And we know the people in the publishing business. If you want to continue in that line of work. Get my drift?Maxine smiles at Renee through her tears.
MAXINE
I always wanted to be a writer.RENEE
(softens)
We can help you with that.MAXINE
I don’t need your help, I need a breakthrough. Not a fake one engineered by rich parents like yours.RENEE
Now I am getting tired of you offending my parents and background! I have lots of minority friends.Maxine laughs, almost hysterically but with real mirth.
MAXINE
Minority friends? Why didn’t you use that phrase in the interview?RENEE
Now Maxine I have been nothing but nice with you. It’s the champagne talking. Why don’t you go home and sleep it off and we can talk tomorrow.Renee sets her glass down firmly.
MAXINE
Tomorrow?RENEE
Yes.MAXINE
After the news. Brian’s piece comes out tomorrow in the Daily Herald.RENEE
(alarmed)
What did you tell Brian?MAXINE
I told him a story, with documented facts. About how my background, my past life and experiences, that I wrote about, was usurped by you and your… publisher in your book. About how it would be impossible for you to come up with those by yourself.RENEE
We have a contract! And you assured us that it was all fictional!MAXINE
So sue me! I want to see if your “publisher” wants to be on the wrong side of the news.RENEE
You devious untruthful girl. You set us up!MAXINE
Brian has written the story of your deceit and entitled bullshit that makes you think you can plagiarize my material and my life experience that you know nothing about!Maxine stands up.
RENEE
You little whore! You little pretend victim!MAXINE
Publicity rules, Miss Renee, you taught me that. It will launch my career. You and your publisher can shove that contract… I will find my own publisher by the time this all gets out.RENEE
(tearful)
Why are you doing this to me? I have always been supportive.MAXINE
Channel 6.Tomorrow morning 8 AM. Brian will be interviewed about his article. Watch and weep.They stare at each other. Renee is afraid of what will now come. Maxine leaves.
Renee collects herself and regains control. She reaches for her phone and makes a call.
RENEE
Dad, I need your help! You know the managing editor at the Daily Herald right?….
Good! One of their reporters is putting a story out tomorrow, a hit job on me!…
Can you stop it?…
Great! Please call me after you speak with him! Love you Dad!-
This reply was modified 9 months, 1 week ago by Firdaus Bilimoria.
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This reply was modified 9 months, 1 week ago by
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