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Blair's rewrite of Cycle 2 scene.
LOGLINE: John tries to disrupt his brother Nick’s plan to crash a train into the Chicago O’Hare station.
ESSENCE: Finishing at all costs.
SCENE:
INT. UNDERGROUND BASE – DAYWall-to-wall video monitors and a central computer station fill a cavernous room. Twenty-eight-year-old NICK, wearing a black leather jacket and blue jeans, sits typing away at a computer. Twenty-five-year-old JOHN, sporting a hoody and black Chucks, peeks inside the room from a large doorway. Nick stands up and walks over to a cabinet. He sees a shadow by the doorway as John tries to hide.
NICK
(sing-songy)
Whoever that is, I see you.John takes a deep breath and steps out from hiding.
NICK
Well Well Well, brother. What a pleasant surprise.JOHN
What the hell is this place?NICK
I'm giving Lex Luthor vibes aren't I?JOHN
Minus the smarts.NICK
Ouch.John looks at one of the large monitors showing the interior of a train control system.
JOHN
What exactly are you doing down here?NICK
You think I'm giving that up so easily? I've already given too much by inviting you to the island.JOHN
I don't understand how you can say that when I've always been a devoted brother.Nick gestures to the vastness of the room.
NICK
A lot has happened since you left to go find yourself in Europe.Nick raises his fingers in mock quotations around the last four words.
NICK
I've made a few enemies along the way.JOHN
Well I'm back now.John walks over to the computer station. Nick follows him.
NICK
Stop right there.John halts and studies several monitors showing passengers inside a train. Nick sits down in front of a computer and clicks away.
JOHN
Why are you monitoring a train?Nick scoffs.
NICK
Sooo many questions. Patience, brother. Trust me.JOHN
You haven't given me much to trust with this questionable setting here.John slowly moves towards Nick. He strains to look over Nick's shoulder at the computer monitor. Nick types some numbers on the keyboard.
JOHN
Are you going to blow up the train?Nick turns around smiling.
NICK
Okay, you got me. I don't have the smarts for explosives, but I do know how to hack into the train's control system and crash it into O'Hare.JOHN
Oh my god. I knew you had a dark side, but this is crazy.John glances around the room for some kind of makeshift weapon.
NICK
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.John sees a pair of scissors on one of the desks. He dashes to the desk and grabs the scissors.
JOHN
You're right.Nick turns around and sees John threateningly hold the scissors.
NICK
(mockingly)
Are you going to stop me with those scissors, baby brother?JOHN
I'm going to try.John lunges at Nick and stabs him in the hand with the scissors. Nick grabs the scissors out of the wound and collapses on the ground. He drops the scissors and chuckles.
NICK
Well, I didn't see that coming.JOHN
You have to stop the train!Nick uses his good hand to cover up the gash while a pool of blood builds up on the floor.
NICK
It's too late for that. I have already set the coordinates to by-pass the brake system and accelerate the train.Nick notices the blood on the floor.
NICK
Whoa, that's a lot of blood. I'm feeling pretty woozy here.John observes the train passengers looking distressed on the speeding train.
JOHN
Tell me how to stop the train and I will help you with your hand.NICK
Oh will you, now?Nick lies down on the floor in pain. He laughs.
NICK
I see that I have gotten myself in quite the pickle. I didn't know you had it in you.John picks up the scissors.
JOHN
I will do it again if I have to.NICK
Okay, okay.Nick strains to breathe.
NICK
Go to the computer and open up the file that says 'Chicago'.John trots over to the computer and sits down. He moves the mouse around and finds the correct folder.
JOHN
Okay, I found it and it's open.NICK
Okay, click on the window that says "setup".John clicks on the window.
JOHN
Done.Nick coughs and clears his throat.
NICK
Now type in the numbers three, seven, six, and two.John types on the keyboard.
JOHN
Okay.Nick starts laughing. John frantically looks at the video monitor of the train.
JOHN
It's not stopping!Nick smirks.
NICK
That's because you just made it speed up even more.John looks on in horror as the train crashes into the O'Hare station. Nick turns onto his back and smiles. John runs over to Nick and abruptly pulls him up by the shoulders and shakes him.
JOHN
What have you done?-
Hey Blair,
Great job nailing the situation and scene arc. Also, a nice twist at the end – the information John receives is false and fatal!
John is
Daring: confronting his brother, finding his “lair”, his willingness to fight
Distrustful: While he asks a lot of questions – he seems to accept Nick’s answers at face value.
Loyal: John says “I’ve always been a devoted brother”
Loner: Not sure this comes acrossNick is
Confident: smooth and easy with his talk, justifying his actions
Conniving: His plans to crash the train
Rebellious: He has bucked the system and gone rogue
Giving: Not sure this came acrossNick’s hand wound (with the scissors) seems exaggerated… it has completely debilitated him. It’s difficult to believe that this wound would cause such distress for Nick. Perhaps this is part of his conniving ruse to get John to speed up the train?
Good job. Looking forward to your next scene.
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Thank you for your feedback, Deborah. You're right, the hand wound is a stretch. I originally thought it would impede Nick from being able to type. I should have John stab Nick in the arm for a more serious injury. I'm sorry some of the traits appeared vague. Here's where I placed them in the scene:
John being a loner shows up when Nick says, "A lot has happened since you left to go find yourself in Europe."
Nick being giving shows up when Nick says, "You think I'm giving that up so easily? I've already given too much by inviting you to the island."
Thank you again!-
This reply was modified 12 months ago by Blair Marino.
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This reply was modified 12 months ago by
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Hi Blair,
Cool scene – I wonder if you could create more suspense by having John take a little longer to figure out what Nick is up to, without Nick telling him what he is up to?
I agree with Deborah’s comments about the scissors and the wound to Nick’s hand.
I felt Nick’s traits came across more successfully than John’s. John SAYS he’s always been a devoted brother, but is there any other way you can show his trait of loyalty? Similarly: Nick mentions that John went to Europe to find himself but there isn’t anything in that (to me anyway) that suggests “loner”. I love how Nick tricks John into speeding up the train – a lovely evil surprise.
Good work, I want to know how this sibling rivalry will play out!
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Thank you, Christopher. You make a good point about creating more suspense with John taking longer to figure things out. And yes, the hand wound was a stretch. He needs to be stabbed in the arm or something. I had a hard time trying to convey “loner” and “loyalty” without just putting it in the dialogue. I will consider some more ways to show that John is a loyal loner. LOL I appreciate the feedback!
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Here is my rewrite – I’m open to all feedback, but, specifically, please tell me if the Essence I selected is complete and makes sense – and also – did I come through on the Essence? Also – this is a very long scene – 6 pages – Do I need to cut it down? If so – do you have some suggestions on what I could cut out? Thanks! (also – as a side request – does anyone know how to cut and paste these scenes into the forums without having to go back and reformat? Trying to save some time posting the scenes, but can’t figure it out.)
LOGLINE: At his small pie shop, John is suspicious that his friend and mentor, Nick, is sabotaging his new business.
ESSENCE: Getting to the truth of the matter.
SCENE:
EXT. YE OLD PIE SHOP – 1927 – DAY
A storefront along a busy street. A Pie Shop delivery truck is filled with trays of freshly baked pies.
Next door, a Barber sweeps.
JOHN, 35, mild-mannered, full apron, towering untamed hair, loads a tray onto the truck. He’s followed by ABNER, 25, short and stocky, who carries a second tray.
NICK, 45, rotund, suit and tie, saunters up eating a banana.
NICK
My, my, my, what have we here?John turns to see Nick. He’s a mixture of joy and sadness.
JOHN
I’ve got 10 new vendors. Thanks for coming over, but why so late?NICK
I certainly hope this batch tastes better than the last one!JOHN
That almost ruined me. You know, I think somebody sabotaged it.NICK
Sabotage? I know you must feel awful, but you shouldn’t blame anyone but yourself.JOHN
I followed your recipe to the T.NICK
Why sabotage? Did someone say something?JOHN
I keep my own counsel.NICK
To your detriment, my boy. Stand alone, die alone.JOHN
I think someone may have messed with my spices.Nick tosses the banana peel to the ground.
JOHN
Know anything about it?NICK
Don’t you think I’d tell you if I knew anything as ridiculous as that?JOHN
Yes, I think maybe you do know something.NICK
What about Abner? He’s got a chip on his shoulder a mile wide.Abner exits the store with another tray of pies and slips on the banana peel. Two pies fall from the tray and are ruined.
ABNER (indignant)
Who dropped this banana peel?Nick looks away. John helps Abner up.
JOHN
Just clean it up. We’ve got to be on the road in ten minutes!Nick motions Abner to the Barber. Abner fumes. Nick ushers John around the corner to the alley.
NICK
Let’s get away from prying ears.ABNER (O.S.) (angry)
Was it you?!JOHN
(calling) Abner, please! (to Nick) You know Abner wouldn’t do anything like that. He needs this job.NICK
That guy's a ticking time bomb. No telling what he’ll do.JOHN
At least he’s loyal.NICK
Well, whatever the problem, it looks like you fixed it. 10 new vendors! That’s impressive. You’re well on your way.JOHN
If you did, do something, Nick, just know, I wouldn’t press charges or, you know, expose you or anything. I’d keep it between us. I just want to know what happened.NICK
John, John, so distrusting. I’m the one who got you started here! Put you on your feet! Why would I do anything to hurt you?JOHN
I did some digging and found this.John takes a sales order from his back pocket and shows it to Nick. Nick begins to fidget with his tie.
JOHN
Baking supplies I ordered through your discount. It says cumin was delivered here. I never ordered cumin. Why would I order cumin?The SOUNDS on the street increase: cars stop, clamorous talk.
NICK
Maybe there was a typo, or it was shipped in error. Why blame me?JOHN
So how did cumin end up in my pie spice cannister?NICK
You spend too much time, on your own, reading detective novels.JOHN
Why do you keep tugging your tie?NICK
What do you mean?JOHN
Whenever we play poker and you tug your tie, I know you're bluffing.NICK
You’re a mad dog.JOHN
Nick. For the sake of our friendship, just come clean!NICK
You’re barking up the wrong tree.John takes a black-and-white photo from his apron.
JOHN
You asked for it. Look.Insert: A fuzzy photo of Nick, in the bakery, mixing spices.
NICK
How in the world did you?…JOHN
Hidden camera… I got the idea from Agatha Christie and “The Murder of Roger Ackroyd.”NICK
I am astounded at the lengths you go to with your suspicious nature.The NOISE on the street increases. Something’s going on.
NICK
Well, good for you. There. You see, there’s your evidence. Obviously, someone did sabotage your spices.JOHN
Nick! That’s you!NICK
Again, with the accusations. That could be anyone. Are you trying to frame me? Is that what this is all about?JOHN
Please. I’m begging you. For the sake of our friendship…NICK
Friendship? You rush to judgment. Are you afraid of failure so you’re looking for a scapegoat?JOHN
You honestly expect me to believe you had nothing to do with this.NICK
Yes.There is a brief standoff. A HONKING HORN brings John back.
JOHN
Fine. Fine. I’m sorry. I’ve got to get going.NICK
Honestly, John, I’m going to investigate this. I’m going to help you find out who did this.John produces a document from his apron.
JOHN
Here’s our new business agreement giving you 50% of the company. I was going to rip it to shreds in front of you, as a dramatic gesture, but now there’s no reason. We’re in this together.NICK
You’re cutting me in on your profits?JOHN
A bold move, but I wouldn’t have any of this if it weren’t for you.NICK
That’s the kindest… I’m usually the one giving…Nick cries. John hands him a handkerchief.
JOHN
You’re right. I probably shouldn’t go it alone.Nick sobs. The NOISE on the street crescendos.
JOHN
Nick. What is it?NICK
Damn it all. You were right. It was me. I was jealous of your success, and I sabotaged your spices.JOHN
You what?NICK
It’s true. All of it. I ordered the cumin and cut it into your spices. I thought if I could ruin your business, you’d come back and work for me.John is incredulous. He grabs Nick by the tie and pushes him up against the wall.
JOHN
You son of a bitch! You’re going to jail!Nick pushes John off.
NICK
What about our friendship? What about you not wanting to cause a fuss?JOHN
You lying, conniving son of a bitch. I trusted you!John starts swinging and Nick grabs him. They tumble, tussle, and find themselves at the alleyway entrance.
They both stop and can’t believe their eyes.
The street is in shambles. Cars are gridlocked. People throw pies at each other. Pie is everywhere.
JOHN
My pies!A pie hits Nick in the face.
NICK
You mean, our pies.A pie hits John in the face.
JOHN
We’re ruined.-
Hi Deborah,
I share your frustration with the formatting. I often find the site hard to use, and the formatting is one aspect of that.
Congrats on your scene between John and Nick.
I do think the scene could be cut down and I’ve highlighted a short sequence in the scene (below) that I think you could lose without damaging the scene. It’s the stuff mainly to do with Abner and his slip on the banana peel. Essentially I think you can lose it because nothing fundamentally changes: the scene has the same power dynamics at the start of Abner’s introduction as it has when he departs: ie nothing has changed. Abner’s fall doesn’t increase the tension or lead to any reveal – I get that you’re trying to deflect blame from Nick to Abner, and that this is part of Nick’s conniving, but I think we would get that about Nick anyway and save ourselves a minute of screen time.
I think you nailed the Essence, but I’ll take another look at it and get back to you.
ChrisI know you must feel awful, but you shouldn’t blame anyone but yourself.
JOHN
I followed your recipe to the T.NICK
Why sabotage? Did someone say something?JOHN
I keep my own counsel.NICK
To your detriment, my boy. Stand alone, die alone.JOHN
I think someone may have messed with my spices.Nick tosses the banana peel to the ground.
JOHN
Know anything about it?NICK
Don’t you think I’d tell you if I knew anything as ridiculous as that?JOHN
Yes, I think maybe you do know something.NICK
What about Abner? He’s got a chip on his shoulder a mile wide.Abner exits the store with another tray of pies and slips on the banana peel. Two pies fall from the tray and are ruined.
ABNER (indignant)
Who dropped this banana peel?Nick looks away. John helps Abner up.
JOHN
Just clean it up. We’ve got to be on the road in ten minutes!Nick motions Abner to the Barber. Abner fumes. Nick ushers John around the corner to the alley.
NICK
Let’s get away from prying ears.ABNER (O.S.) (angry)
Was it you?!JOHN
(calling) Abner, please! (to Nick) You know Abner wouldn’t do anything like that. He needs this job.NICK
That guy’s a ticking time bomb. No telling what he’ll do.JOHN
At least he’s loyal. -
Blair’s notes for Debora’s scene:
JOHN
Traits
– Daring-He threatens Nick
– Distrustful-wonders why John is late. He also suspects Nick knows something he’s not telling. He keeps pressing Nick for information.
– Loyal- Includes Nick in sharing the profits.
– Loner-Nick says of John, “Stand alone, die alone”Subtext: John distrusts people, so he tries to trick them
into showing their worst side.
NICK
Traits– Confident-he claims he’s the one that got John started in the business
– Conniving-he did sabotage the spices
– Rebellious—not sure where this showed up.
– Giving—“I’m usually the one giving”Subtext: Nick is a conniving guy who loves manipulating people
into bad spots and then taking advantage of them.I do think you got to the essence of John getting to the truth. Why is there a pie fight going on outside? I feel like Abner doesn’t need to be in the scene. He doesn’t add much, other than being an angry employee who Nick tries to frame. This exchange also confused me:
ABNER (indignant)
Who dropped this banana peel?
Nick looks away. John helps Abner up.
JOHN
Just clean it up. We’ve got to be on the road in ten minutes!
Nick motions Abner to the Barber. Abner fumes. Nick ushers John around the corner to the alley.Why does Nick motion Abner to the Barber?
I also feel like John’s pressing of Nick for info ran long. I understand John was trying to get Nick to confess to sabotaging the spices by offering him shares in the business, but John’s sudden change of heart seems abrupt after he spent so much time accusing Nick and providing evidence.
Overall, great job at hitting the traits and subtext, though I wasn’t sure where Nick’s rebelliousness happened. Looking forward to reading more of your scenes.I also have been frustrated with replying on the forum. I have a solution. When you post the scene the first time, there is an “edit” option where those 3 dots are on the right side of the post. I click edit, and then repost and it usually is fixed. Sometimes there are some extraneous letters that I just delete. If it doesn’t fix itself the first time, I click edit again. Hope this helps!
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Hey Blair – thanks for the great feedback. I may have been trying too hard to incorporate the pie fight. It came to me when I figured out that John would bake pies… a throwback to the famous Laurel and Hardy scene from that era. While it adds a touch of humor, it does come off as “forced”… especially when working within the parameters set by Hal. In my edit – I may just have the pies destroyed in some other way.
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Hi Deborah,
I love the setting and the period.
Re: John’s trait of “loner”. Does Abner’s assistance weaken that? ie: would it be stronger if John was on his own?
I know having Abner in the scene helps John show his loyalty trait, but I think you have that anyway when he says to Nick “I wouldn’t press charges or, you know, expose you or anything. I’d keep it between us.” So, if you’re still aiming to shorten the scene I would suggest possibly removing Abner entirely.
Is John’s offer to give Nick 50% of the company’s profits just a ruse to encourage Nick to confess? It confused me, given that he is so suspicious of Nick and has photographic evidence of Nick’s malfeasance. I know the photo is blurry, but there must have been enough in it for John to suspect Nick so strongly — that and the invoice suggests a strong case that Nick was behind the sabotage. Is it a daring ruse? If so: quite risky! I felt you abandoned Nick’s traits when he confessed so readily, especially since he could profit considerably by denying the sabotage and taking 50% of the profits.
A fun scene!
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Chris,
Thanks so much for your thoughtful insights. Yes – Nick “giving in” was a comedic attempt at ‘character changes radically’… he’s so overcome by John’s kindness that he gives up the truth. I, too wrestled with whether John tricked Nick by offering 50% – or did so genuinely. I had “Laurel and Hardy” in mind when writing this scene – so I may have leaned too hard on John’s desire to remain loyal to the friendship. Abner was simply a ploy to get the pie fight going on the street. But, for comedy to work, it still needs an element of truth.
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Chris writes the scene between John and Nick.
JOHN: Daring, Distrustful, Loyal, Loner
NICK: Confident, Conniving, Rebellious, Giving
Logline: John needs to find out who is threatening his friends.
ESSENCE: John is unafraid to protect his friends from a malevolent force.EXT. BAR/DINER – MARFA, TEXAS – DAY
JOHN COOPER, late 40s, off-duty plain clothes cop, takes a newspaper from the vending machine on the corner and walks to the bar close by.
A couple of window replacement guys are putting in a new plate glass window. John weaves round them and enters.INT. BAR/DINER – MARFA, TEXAS – DAY
John passes the pretty waitress LOLA, 18, as he walks to his regular table.
JOHN: (re: the window) What happened there?
LOLA: It’s nothing.
JOHN: (disbelieving) Really? Hola Vicente.
John nods to VICENTE behind the bar — a rotund Mexican man in his 60s nods back – but he’s clearly unhappy today, anxious. John can’t help but notice.John takes a seat at his regular table in the corner, back to the wall, facing the door. He glances across to Vicente, then starts working on the crossword in the newspaper.
LOLA brings him an espresso, a cold beer, a bowl of chips and salsa. He nods his thanks.
JOHN: What’s up with the old man? (indicating Vicente) What’s going on?
LOLA: It’s nothing Mr John, we’re fine.
But she’s clearly not fine.
JOHN: Someone bothering you again?
She glances back at Vicente, then nods.
JOHN: Who?
She can’t say – or doesn’t want to say.
JOHN: I told you to call me, didn’t I? If anyone starts anything.
LOLA: It’s nothing Mr John, it’s just the way it is —
She freezes as we HEAR the roar of a motorcycle pulling up outside the window and see tough guy (Nick Padrone) get off his bike.
JOHN: Is that him, is that the guy?
She nods, clearly terrified suddenly.
JOHN: Who is he? Does he have a name?
LOLA: We don’t know. People call him Dusty.
JOHN: Dusty. What kind of name is Dusty…?
John walks across to Vicente behind the bar, taking his newspaper and crossword puzzle with him.
JOHN: Let me have your apron.
VICENTE: Que?
John tears off his jacket and tie — he wears a gun in a shoulder holster and he hastily removes it and puts the gun under the counter.
JOHN: Give me your apron —
John starts putting on the apron.
JOHN: Get in the back and stay there ’til I tell you otherwise. Lola, go with your dad.
She and Vicente hurry to the back office as the main door opens.
NICK Padrone strides in. A scary individual. Mid-30s, long thinning hair, tattoos on his neck and hands, his T-shirt beneath his battered leather jacket reads “Though I walk through the valley of death, I shall fear no evil. etc”
He takes a stool at the bar and raps the counter.
John’s whole demeanour has changed. He is no longer the self assured veteran cop, now he is a nonchalant not-too-bright bartender. He looks up from the crossword.
JOHN: What can I get you?
NICK: Where’s Vicente?
JOHN: Vicente? He’s not feeling well.
NICK: I didn’t ask you how he is. I asked you where he is.
JOHN: Home, I guess…
NICK: Where’s his cute little daughter?
John shrugs, and fills in an answer on the puzzle with his pen.
NICK: Yo! Tell her I need to see her. Get her out here —-
JOHN: Who shall I say…?
Nick glowers at him.
JOHN: I remember now, she said she had a 3 o’ clock meet.
NICK: Yeah, that’s me.
JOHN: And she was just going across the road to the bank. I guess she got held up.
Nick begins to relax. He thought there was a problem, but it looks like things are fine.
JOHN: So — what can I get you?
NICK: I’ll take a Michelob.
John takes a Michelob from the fridge. He’s about to pour it, but stops as if he remembers something important.
JOHN: Can I see your ID?
NICK: Say what?
JOHN: Need to see your ID.
NICK: Are you serious?
John nods to a sign that warns customers if they look under 25 they may be asked to show ID.
JOHN: If you want a beer, I’m serious, yeah. Otherwise we’ve got soft drinks, root beer, sodas, that kind of thing.
NICK: You’re new here, right? I’m guessing you’re new. You’ve got some cojones, I’ll give you that.
NICK smiles, concedes. He takes his wallet from his jacket pocket, then hands his driver’s licence to John and a $20 bill.
NICK: I haven’t been asked for this since I was eighteen. Probably not even then.
John studies the driver’s licence – the name and address – he has the information he needs —
CLOSE ON DRIVER’S LICENCE:
The name: Nicholas Padrone
The Address: 1033 OdessaJohn hands the licence back to him and the change for the beer — about $12.
NICK: Keep it.
John acknowledges the generosity, and drops the money into the tips jar by the cash register.
John walks down the length of the bar to the main door. Makes sure the gun is easy to reach.
Locks it, turns the sign round from ‘open’ to closed”
He speeds dials a number and whispers into his phone.
John: It’s me. Run this for me would you. Nicholas Padrone, 1033 Odessa. Text me when you have something.
John heads back to the bar. Nick is getting fidgety.
NICK: I told them 3 o’ clock.
JOHN: She’ll be here.
NICK: She better be.
John gets a text, with a brief summary of the long list of charges against Padrone, and the time he’s spend behind bars for robbery, extortion, manslaughter.
John reads it and smiles at Nick.
JOHN: She’s on her way, she’ll be here any second. So what line of business are you in Mr Padrone? You must be working for someone pretty big.
NICK: Say what?
JOHN: To be walking around like such an asshole. Usually jerks like you end up dead in a ditch before they’re thirty, but you’re pushing thirty five.
NICK leaps to his feet and lunges at John.
NICK: Who are you?
John raises his gun from under the bar.
JOHN: Put your gun on the counter. Turn around, get back on your bike and go back to wherever you came from.
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Hey Chris,
Another excellent practice of skills. I especially appreciate how you gave John visual actions that brought out all his traits very quickly.
Daring: quickly pretending to be a bartender, etc.
Loner: the bit with the crossword puzzle
Loyal: his initiative to help his friends
Distrustful: his suspicions that all is not well.Your initial description “JOHN COOPER, late 40s, off-duty plain clothes cop” – is something we can’t see. We do find out later when he calls to get Nick’s rap sheet, that he is law enforcement. This could be a surprise or a reveal in the scene… instead of telling us up front.
Nick comes across as very scary. I like how you build his reputation – first with the fear in Lola and Vicente and then with the roar of the motorcycle. His confident entrance and “rebellious” look seal the deal. Conniving: he’s there to extort money. Giving: with the generous tip.
You do a great job with “uncertainty” hope/fear… Will Nick believe John? Will John get Nick’s license? John checks for his gun… locking up. Nick fidgets. John gets the rap sheet. The final confrontation.
Since John getting Nicks license is crucial, perhaps we can see a little more of Nick being “Rebellious” when John asks for it. He’s appealing to Nick’s vanity – but maybe there could be one more hope/fear exchange before Nick gives in.
The twist at the end is interesting. He doesn’t arrest him – but tells him to get out of town. An interesting choice – which will take us into further development of the story and John’s character. Nice.
You begin the scene with John and the replacement of the window. I think this is to show that Nick was here before and caused trouble. My expectation was that the window would somehow play out later in the scene. Maybe not necessary, but an expectation, nonetheless.
Again – really enjoyed the scene. Great work.
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Thanks very much Deborah, I really appreciate your comments. In the first draft of the scene I had John fighting with Nick and it ended with John throwing Nick through the other plate glass window — but I thought that was probably too much and too ironically ‘neat’. So I took it out and had John with his gun. Very glad you enjoyed the scene. Thanks, Chris
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Blair's notes on Christopher's scene.
JOHN
Traits
– Daring- He disguises himself as a bartender and asks for Nick’s I.D.
– Distrustful- He distrusts Nick from the get-go.
– Loyal- to Lola: “I told you to call me, didn’t I? If anyone starts anything.”
– Loner – Not sure where this trait is shownSubtext: John distrusts people, so he tries to trick them
into showing their worst side.
NICK
Traits– Confident- He strides into the bar, like he owns the place.
– Conniving- Possibly planning to do something nefarious.
– Rebellious- Rides a motorcycle. Has tattoos and a battered leather jacket.
– Giving- He gives John a generous tip for the beer.Subtext: Nick is a conniving guy who loves manipulating people
into bad spots and then taking advantage of them.Great scene. You nailed the essence, as John goes above and beyond to protect his friends. I’m not sure where John is depicted as a loner, seeing how he’s a regular at the bar and knows the owner and his daughter. I like John’s subtext with getting Nick to show him his I.D. Nick’s subtext is clear, since we gather that he’s probably the one who broke the window and is manipulating Vicente and Lola.
Waiting to reveal John as an off-duty cop may have bolstered some of the suspense later in the scene. John also does a good job at stalling Nick while he gathers more information on him. I like how cocky Nick is and how his cockiness changes by the end of the scene.
Looking forward to reading more of your scenes.-
Thanks very much Blair. I was hoping that John sitting on his own doing his crossword would convey ‘loner’ but I take your point. In my mind the character John lives just round the corner and probably goes to Vicente’s place three or four times a week, to unwind — and has done so for years. He likes to sit at his regular table, on his own, do the crossword, and then go home where he lives with a parrot, most likely! Cheers, Chris
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IGNORE THIS REPLY. I accidentally replied to the wrong post and then couldn’t delete it.
Blair's notes on Deborah's scene.
JOHN
Traits
– Daring-He threatens Nick
– Distrustful-wonders why John is late. He also suspects Nick knows something he’s not telling. He keeps pressing Nick for information.
– Loyal- Includes Nick in sharing the profits.
– Loner-Nick says of John, “Stand alone, die alone”Subtext: John distrusts people, so he tries to trick them
into showing their worst side.
NICK
Traits– Confident-he claims he’s the one that got John started in the business
– Conniving-he did sabotage the spices
– Rebellious—not sure where this showed up.
– Giving—“I’m usually the one giving”Subtext: Nick is a conniving guy who loves manipulating people
into bad spots and then taking advantage of them.I do think you got to the essence of John getting to the truth. Why is there a pie fight going on outside? I feel like Abner doesn’t need to be in the scene. He doesn’t add much, other than being an angry employee who Nick tries to frame. This exchange also confused me:
ABNER (indignant)
Who dropped this banana peel?
Nick looks away. John helps Abner up.
JOHN
Just clean it up. We’ve got to be on the road in ten minutes!
Nick motions Abner to the Barber. Abner fumes. Nick ushers John around the corner to the alley.Why does Nick motion Abner to the Barber?
I also feel like John’s pressing of Nick for info ran long. I understand John was trying to get Nick to confess to sabotaging the spices by offering him shares in the business, but John’s sudden change of heart seems abrupt after he spent so much time accusing Nick and providing evidence.
Overall, great job at hitting the traits and subtext, though I wasn’t sure where Nick’s rebelliousness happened. Looking forward to reading more of your scenes.I also have been frustrated with replying on the forum. I have a solution. When you post the scene the first time, there is an “edit” option where those 3 dots are on the right side of the post. I click edit, and then repost and it usually is fixed. Sometimes there are some extraneous letters that I just delete. If it doesn’t fix itself the first time, I click edit again. Hope this helps!
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This reply was modified 12 months ago by Blair Marino.
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This reply was modified 12 months ago by Blair Marino.
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Hi Blair,
I meant to thank you for the technical advice about posting and formatting. I’ll try that next time. Chris
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This reply was modified 12 months ago by
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