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Lesson 11 – Exchange Feedback
Post a request for a parter here.
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9 Replies
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Natalie’s Query Letter — Draft ONE
Ready for exchange. Here, or via email: TDLREALTY@GMAIL.COM
Title: STOLEN SENSES
Genre: YA Adventure Fantasy Show
What could be worse than causing a feud between the Greek and Hawaiian Gods?
Sola, an orphan Hawaiian teen, delves into a forbidden magic, inadvertently instilling herself with Zeus’ power and unleashing an ancient curse that plunges the divine and mortal realms into chaos.
Now that the fate of Earth hangs in the balance, Sola has to make a fateful choice
As she grapples with her newfound abilities, the Greek Gods scramble to mitigate the curse’s effects and protect their dominion. At the same time, Sola’s emergence draws the attention of the Hawaiian Gods, setting the stage for a divine showdown. Torn between the pantheons, Sola inadvertently banishes the ancient artifacts imbued with the gods’ powers, thrusting her into a quest to save both realms.
But can she handle the sinister force lurking behind the curse?
If you like the concept of STOLEN SENSES, I’d be happy to send you the pilot script.
Natalie Melvin
BIO: Natalie is an optioned screenwriter with two projects in development.
Contact Info:
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Jerry Robbins Query Letter Draft One
What I learned doing this assignment – hopefully, how to write a better query letter. To exchange: jerryr48@gmail.com. I would also like to know where the place is that we were to go online to get the review that you pay for?QUERY LETTER:
Hi! I am a produced writer, (detail) interested in futuristic sci-fi.
ROBOT REVOLUTION is a one-hour sci-fi pilot set in a near-future world of 2045:
Can robots with human brains fight for freedom?
In a world transformed by sentient robots (robobs) with human brains, tensions rise as the robobs, led by the charismatic Cipher, demand equal rights. A peaceful protest erupts when Robinia, the ruthless corporation that owns the robobs, unleashes its security forces. Amidst the chaos, a Robinia executive is found murdered. Alexia King, daughter of the robob creator Dr. Montgomery and now a Robinia executive, must find the killer. Gabe Torres, the victim's son, seeks his own revenge.
Is Alexia a corporate pawn, or will she fight for the robobs?
Both Alexia and Gabe suspect Dr. Montgomery holds the key to the murder and the robob revolution. However, the enigmatic scientist hides a dark secret from a past shrouded in a desert sandstorm. Meanwhile, an unexpected alliance forms as Alexia seeks Cipher's help to reach her father.
Friend or foe? Dr. Montgomery's true plan is revealed.
Comparables: Blade Runner (1982); I, Robot (2004); Westworld (1973+); The Matrix (1999)
If you like the concept, I'd be happy to send you the script for the pilot. I also have a pitch deck for 5 seasons.
Jerry Ann Robbins
Jerryr48@gmail.com
TELEPHONE NUMBER and ADDRESS-
This reply was modified 11 months, 4 weeks ago by Jerry Robbins.
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This reply was modified 11 months, 4 weeks ago by Jerry Robbins.
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This reply was modified 11 months, 4 weeks ago by Jerry Robbins.
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This reply was modified 11 months, 4 weeks ago by Jerry Robbins.
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This reply was modified 11 months, 4 weeks ago by Jerry Robbins.
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This reply was modified 11 months, 4 weeks ago by Jerry Robbins.
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This reply was modified 11 months, 4 weeks ago by Jerry Robbins.
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This reply was modified 11 months, 4 weeks ago by Jerry Robbins.
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This reply was modified 11 months, 4 weeks ago by Jerry Robbins.
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This reply was modified 11 months, 4 weeks ago by
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Sunil Pappu’s Query Letter Draft ONE
“What I learned doing this assignment is… to write a query letter with hooks and keep it short and engaging.”QUERY LETTER HAWALA LEDGER VER 2
Dear [Producer first name],
I really like the concept of your show “TITLE” and thought you might be interested to take a look at my latest one-hour thriller titled “HAWALA LEDGER.” Its MONEY HEIST meets MR. ROBOT.
Below is the synopsis. Let me know what you think.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to share the TV Bible / Pilot.
Sunil Pappu
Title: Hawala Ledger
Genre: One-hour Heist Thriller SerialThere’s only one way to save the world of finance – a heist!
A daredevil math prodigy Priya’s routine class assignment turns out to be a test for a dangerous, unsanctioned operation by a rogue intelligence agent Arjun masquerading as her professor. He recruits her to the heist team to steal a secret Ledger from the underworld banking network, the Hawala that seeks to control global finance. Priya quickly discovers that she can trust no one, as each teammate harbors secrets. Their infiltration attempts fail, and the team realizes there is a mole among them. Meanwhile…
… Priya and her father are kidnapped by RAW agents!
Under duress, Priya betrays her team to save her father, only to be rescued by Arjun moments before the safehouse explodes, killing her father. Arjun believes her father was one of Hawala's founders, but she needs to go deeper into the dangerous world of Hawala to uncover the truth and time is running out as the Ledger is up for sale. She survives a terror attack on the Bombay Stock Exchange to steal the ledger and stumbles into her father’s secret vault with a symbol on the wall that matches the one on the stolen Ledger.
Is Priya the hero or the coder of global chaos?
Episode Structure: Throughout the season, Priya grapples with her father's ominous legacy while trying to earn her team’s trust. Their quest to retrieve the ledger pitches the team not only against each other but against other cybercrime syndicates as well. With each code cracked and secret unearthed, the ledger's power looms, threatening global financial anarchy. Each heist brings them closer to the identity of Hawala’s true architects and Priya’s shocking connections to “The Kuber Circle” – the mythical secret society that controls global wealth and power.
BIO: Sunil is an award-winning screenwriter who specializes in female-led thrillers. He is a finalist in several international screenwriting contests such as BIG BREAK and ISC@JIFF. A series pilot he co-wrote is currently in development for a TV network in the UK.
DIRECT INFO:
CONTACT AGENT:-
This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by Sunil Pappu.
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This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by Sunil Pappu.
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Title: Hawala Ledger Genre: One-hour Thriller TV Series
Only one thing can save the world of finance – a heist!
Priya, recruited to steal the secret ledger of the Hawaia who seek global financial control, is quickly spotted as a mole and kidnapped, along with her father.
Was her father—soon killed in an explosion—A Hawaia founder?
Was he the one who put the ledger up for sale?
Can she retrieve it in time to save the world from financial anarchy?
Priya survives a terror attack and cybercrime syndicate threats as she and her team crack codes and unearth secrets.
Each heist brings them closer to the shocking truth and “The Kuber Circle” – the mythical secret society that controls global wealth and power.
BIO: Sunil is an award-winning screenwriter who specializes in female-led thrillers. He is a finalist in several international screenwriting contests such as BIG BREAK and ISC@JIFF. A series pilot he co-wrote is currently in development for a TV network in the UK
Sunil, this is from lenorebechtel33@gmail.com. I love your plot but felt your synopsis was much too wordy, so I’ve given you my shorter take on the subject. Hope this helps. When I post my Module 5, lesson 11 assignment, I hope you’ll give me feedback as I have done for you. Unfortunately, when I post anything on this site, my spacing usually gets lost, so please know that many of the sentences is my condensation above were paragraphs by themselves, leaving lost of white space. Good luck!-
Hi Lenore,
Thank you for your feedback. Sure I’ll try to condense it further based on your take. That helps.
Cheers
Sunil
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This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by
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Margaret’s Query Letter Draft One:
What if you were thrust into a world where ancient history repeats itself?Jack’s life is in shambles after his girlfriend leaves him, accusing him of using the role of religious leader to fleece his followers. His reality takes a dramatic turn when a mysterious seismic event transports him to a strange new world. In this alien land, Jack finds himself cast as a reluctant prophet. Concealing his Earthly origins, he experiences unsettling visions of the historic siege of Masada. Jack realizes that events from Earth’s history are echoing on this world, placing him at the center of a brewing conflict.
Will the tribe believe Jack’s warnings before it is too late?
As Jack grapples with his role, he faces the monumental task of warning the tribe leaders about the impending doom he foresees. His ominous visions of the Masada siege haunt him, and he knows the tribe must prepare for a similar fate. However, Jack’s reluctance to fully engage with his prophetic role and his struggle to gain the tribe’s trust put everyone at risk.
Will Jack’s inaction doom the tribe to repeat a catastrophic history?
Throughout the first season, Jack navigates the complexities of his new life, learning the ways of the tribe and the intricacies of their world. As he becomes more entwined with their fate, Jack must confront his own demons and the weight of his past. The season builds towards an epic confrontation, as the echoes of Masada grow louder and Jack’s leadership is put to the ultimate test, forcing him to take the tribe to a mountain similar to Masada. Will he find the strength to alter the course of history and save the tribe, or will they fall victim to the same tragic end?
If this new take on the story of Masada interests you, I’d be happy to send you the script, ECHOES OF MASADA.
BIO: Margaret Silebi is an optioned screenwriter.
Contact information:
Telephone (541)525-5592
Email: silebimargaret8@gmail.com -
Anyone willing to critique my query letter, please send your email address to lenorebechtel33@gmail.com so I can send try a copy with spacing which always gets lost when I post here. But here it is: hat if your own success depended on hiding the bizarre antics of a hypnotist?
Dear [Producer’s Name],
Hypnotized by Hope is a one-hour TV contained comedy that follows Lilly, the manager of a zany hypnotist, Joshua, whose outlandish behavior threatens to derail his burgeoning fame.
Lilly is ghosting a book to get national recognition for him as a hypnotist and her as a writer.
Her task is complicated by Quinten, a reporter eager to expose Joshua’s unorthodox methods, destroy his reputation, and doom their book.
Can she keep Quinten from discovering
—the fake bank robbery that proved Timothy was not invisible, as he thought?
—the unopenable safe that proved Tyrell should give up safe-cracking?
—the shy Maudie who faked fatness to qualify for a weight control group?
—the truth about the latest office bimbo, Sally—who’s not what she pretends to be?
Lilly’s efforts to keep Joshua’s career afloat lead to a series of escalating schemes, each more outrageous than the last.
A ghost-driven psychic, a living statue performer, a time traveler, an ex-con rapist, and other weirdos move this series into multiple seasons.
Can Lilly continue to thwart Joshua’s bizarre methods that—if exposed—could end their fun?
Bio: I am a multi-produced playwright who managed a hypnosis office for seven years.
Please request the Bible and/or Pilot from:
lenorebechtel33@gmail.com. 306 S. 1st St., Eufaula, OK 74432. 936-499-7694
Thank you for considering Hypnotized by Hope. I am excited to share more about this unique comedy that blends humor, high stakes, and heart.
Sincerely,
Lenore Bechtel. -
Denice’s Query Letter, Draft 1
Dear Producer,
I enjoyed your television series, _________, and thought you might like to take a look at my fantasy pilot for teens and young adults.
Title: Dreambound is a one-hour, fantasy/action series by Denice Hughes LewisWhat secrets unfold when a dragon marks a teenager’s limo with a constellation of stars?
Spoiled and insecure, Maya is unaware of father’s heritage as the Dreamweaver, one who balances the dream realm with reality. When her powers begin to manifest through unsettling visions, Maya is reluctant to confide in her father, the only person who can guide her.
Her father is kidnapped by a monster and disappears through a fiery portal into the dream world.
Maya’s grandmother takes her to safety. Forced to assume a false identity, Maya navigates the perils of public school, and its torment. She discovers her father’s secrets hidden in the basement of her grandmother’s home. Overwhelmed and angry, her emotions trigger the celestial tattoo on her wrist, opening a portal into the dream realm.
Snatched by a metal claw from inside the portal, Maya vanishes into the unpredictable, dangerous world of dreams to rescue her father.
In the first season, Maya’s quest to find her father and master her powers is fraught with moral dilemmas, betrayals, and tests of her resolve and strength. She struggles to thwart the covert Dream Forgers in the real world who manipulate dreamers for power and profit. This sets the stage for their ultimate confrontation and her battle to protect both worlds from collapse.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
BIO: I have an IMDB credit for a short film, won a Catalina Film Festival contest, and am a published author for kids and young adults.
Contact Information:
Denice Hughes Lewis
60020 Stirling Drive, Bend, OR 97702
(541) 616-1082
prismartsllc@gmail.com -
Jeffrey Alan Chase’s Query Letter Draft ONE
What I learned doing this assignment is a powerful, hooky query letter gets results. The first time I sent this out, I got a script request. Looking forward to more.
Dear [producer],
What would you do if you discovered a backpack that had the power to save souls?
THE BACKPACK is a one-hour Christian Thriller pilot.
When JONAH ADAMS discovers a backpack in a vacant warehouse, he hopes it contains something of value. The homeless veteran has PTSD from his service in Afghanistan. He’s on the run from false charges of war crimes. And an Army CID agent is on a mission to hunt Jonah down and bring him to justice. But that’s not the worst of Jonah’s troubles…
The Army CID agent is possessed by a demon on a mission from Satan to murder Jonah.
Jonah finds an item in the backpack that helps a homeless woman become a reborn Christian. She thanks him, says he has a gift. But Jonah rejects this “mission from God”.
Then he finds items that weren’t in the backpack the day before. He’s mystified – and scared.
How does a hunted man who helps others find salvation, find it himself before he is murdered?
If you like the concept, I’ll be happy to send you the recommended script and pitch bible.
Take care.
Jeffrey Alan Chase
615-419-2766
Email: jeff@chaseinternet.com
BIO:
Multiple screenplay contest placements
SAG-AFTRA actor on IMDB
Multiple Recommended scripts with professional coverage-
This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by Jeff Chase.
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This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by
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