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Day 15 Assignments
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Subject Line: Roscoe – Thriller Map Version 2.
Title: Navajo Skinwalker
Logline: A tribal cop investigates mysterious murders off the Indian Reservation
Thriller Map below….
EXT. HIGHWAY – SANTA FE – NIGHT
An unknown person wearing a wolf fur-coat runs alongside an SUV. An arm bashes in the driver side window – with force. The SUV loses control and drives off of the highway. It rolls over twice. The unknown person steps around the SUV. That person runs into the darkness.
EXT. HIGHWAY – SANTA FE – MORNING
Stephen and his tribal cop partner Billy investigate the accident. Billy looks over at several Navajo Indians singing and praying on the highway. Billy tells Stephen that it was the “Tso” family. His ex-wife Gabby Tso wasn’t inside the SUV. Stephen wonders why they were called. This is off of the Indian Reservation.
Stephen and Billy look at animal prints around the SUV. Those prints are larger than any normal animal. They both follow those prints as they disappear into the Santa Fe dirt.
Stephen and Billy assume the animal is a skinwalker/witch. Why did this skinwalker kill the Tso family? Stephen struggles with how to explain these deaths as “spiritual” in nature.
A fearful county sheriff approaches Stephen and Billy. He tells them that they have no law enforcement “funding” to help with this accident. They are on their own. Stephen tells the sheriff that it was the homicide of a Navajo family clan.
EXT. SANTA FE – GABBY’S TRAILER – NIGHT
Stephen and Billy are in their tribal cop uniforms. They get out of their truck and approach the trailer home of Gabby Tso. They both stop and aim their flashlights in the distance – past the back yard. A male picks up bloody animal limbs and shoves them inside a bag.
Stephen and Billy get to the front door. They over-hear Gabby arguing on the phone. Kathy is mentioned. Stephen whispers that she is Gabby’s aunt.
Stephen whispers to Billy that he never trusted Gabby. She committed infidelity during their marriage. She is dedicated though to her Navajo family clan. He bets that she might know about this skinwalker/witch. Why did it kill Gabby’s family?
EXT. BACK YARD – GABBY’S TRAILER – CONTINUOUS
The skinwalker/witch had “shape-shifted” into a black wolf. It is larger than a normal wolf with “red eyes.” It approaches Gabby’s trailer and sniffs the ground. It stops and growls after smelling the cedar ash which is spread around the trailer.
The wolf watches Stephen and Billy leave the home. Gabby stands on the porch watching them leave. Stephen’s truck drives off and the wolf races after them.
INT. STEPHEN’S TRUCK – CONTINUOUS
The truck drives up the gravel road. Stephen is in the dirver seat. Suddenly, an arm bashes through the window. Stephen swerves the truck. He looks in the side mirror and sees an unknown person in wolf-fur. It is running alongside the truck.
The skinwalker tries to bash Stephen again. Billy leans over and shoots the skinwalker in the face. It turns into dust and disappears.
Stephen stops the truck. He says that it was a skinwalker. They crossed its’ path. He thinks it is after Gabby.
EXT. LIVING ROOM – JACK’S HOME – DAY
Stephen and Billy interview Gabby’s uncle Jack. He tells them that someone dug up Kevin’s grave. He’s Gabby’s older brother who died in that car crash. Kevin’s traditional clothes were stolen. Why?
Jack also tells them that there’s supposed to be a family meeting. It’s over the “will” of Gabby’s mother who was also killed.
Stephen tells Billy that he always liked uncle Jack. He thinks though that Jack is lying to him.
Stephen and Billy find out that Gabby’s aunt Kathy recently attended a Navajo skinwalker meeting. They also discover that Gabby has disappeared.
EXT. GRAVE YARD – SANTA FE – DAY
Stephen and Billy interview aunt Kathy over Kevin’s grave. He is her nephew. She is angry and starts an argument over why she went to that skinwalker meeting. Is she a witch? Kathy threatens both Stephen and Gabby. She admits that if she had a chance to kill Gabby. She would. Why?
EXT. PARK – SANTA FE – DAY
Gabby leans against her car and talks on the phone with a lawyer. She mentions her mother and waves at an elder Navajo lady – who sits on a bench.
Gabby’s own grandmother had died. She talks with this elder who says that her aunt Kathy is rumored to be a skinwalker/witch.
The grandmother warns Gabby to be careful. Especially at night when skinwalkers come out.
EXT. PARKING LOT – SANTA FE – NIGHT
Gabby meets up with two friends inside a dirt parking lot. The skinwalker appears wearing wolf fur. It speaks for the first time, but in a male voice. He says Gabby is not protected anymore. They all run away including Gabby.
The skinwalker “shape-shifts” into three black wolves with “red eyes.” They attack one of Gabby’s friends and rip a part her body. Stephen and Billy show up. Billy shoots one wolf who eats the friend’s throat. It disappears into dust.
The two other wolves chase down Gabby on a bike path. Stephen runs over those wolves with his truck. They disappear and Gabby is protected.
Gabby says this is the closest the skinwalker had gotten to her.
EXT. GRAVE YARD – SANTA FE – DAY.
Stephen had always been skeptical about shaman’s. A modern female shaman gives him the phone number of a gun shop owner. That owner hands over special bullets to Stephen. What kind of bullets are they?
EXT. GRAVE YARD – SANTA FE – NIGHT
Stephen, Billy and Gabby use those special bullets to kill the skinwalker. The face of the skinwalker is finally revealed. They figure out why “it” wanted Gabby dead.
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Hi Roscoe, would you like to exchange feedback?
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Kimberly’s Thriller Map Version 1
Title: Bluejacket
Logline: When a Navy SEAL who lives alone on a sailboat is taken hostage by a couple she rescues at sea, she must fight back to survive.
1 EXT – SAILBOAT/HARBOR – DAY
Lacia stands at the edge of her boat, a lumpy duffle on her shoulder. She looks up the harbor road toward her destination. She looks at feet, willing them to move. She closes her eyes, shakes her head. She looks at her watch in her inner wrist. Measures her breath. Steps on the dock.
2 INT – GENERAL STORE – DAY
Pat owns the local grocery/USPS/library/hardware store. Behind the register are FBI Wanted posters of a young bearded guy and a grizzled old man. Lacia never talks or gives any indication that she hears Pat.
Lacia returns library books and checks out new ones. She gets her mail, signs over her disability check and picks up groceries while Pat deals with local trio of delinquents.
3 EXT – HARBOR TOWN – DAY
Returning to her boat, Lacia is intercepted by the trio who attack her. She fights them off then grabs her stuff and scurries to her boat.
4 INT/EXT – SAILBOAT – DAY
Lacia reaches the safety of her cabin. She drops her things and removes ear plugs.
She looks up the road at the trio licking their wounds as she unties the boat and leaves harbor.
5 EXT – SAILBOAT/OCEAN – DAY/NIGHT
At sea, Lacia’s days are routine and she is visibly more relaxed. She fishes, manages the boat, sleeps but never gets in the water.
One afternoon, she falls asleep while fishing. She wakes up to see her pole flying into the ocean as a big something gets away. She gets her spear and stands on the edge of the boat, unable to take the leap. She looks at her watch. Measures her breath. Steps into the water.
She catches a fish and returns to the surface. Looks around for her boat, a good distance away. She then notices a fog rolling in quickly. She flies through the water to reach her boat before it disappears. Once onboard, she hears a noise in the cabin. She leaves the fish and takes the spear.
6 INT – SAILBOAT – DAY
Lacia enters the cabin and points the spear at Rian who is devouring her food and water. Rian sets down the provisions and slowly raises his hands and shows he is unarmed and no threat.
He tells her he swam from a boat that is adrift and asks for help. She warily agrees. He cooks her catch and she leaves him to sleep outside while she is protected in the cabin.
7 EXT – SAILBOAT – DAY
Fog has lifted and they go to his boat where he left his friend, Emma, who couldn’t swim the distance.
8 EXT – CRUISER – DAY
Lacia meets Emma and goes below to see if she can repair the engine. While they are alone, Rian tells Emma that Lacia is dangerous and is worried if Emma will be safe. Emma suggests they leave her some food/water and escape on her sailboat. Rian reluctantly agrees after Emma says they will send help once they reach land.
When Lacia returns to the deck, she sees her boat moving away. With a brief hesitation, she jumps in the water and swims for her boat.
9 EXT – SAILBOAT – DAY
Lacia climbs aboard and wrestles Rian. Emma bashes her on the head and she is out cold.
10 INT – SAILBOAT – NIGHT
Lacia wakes up to discover she is tied up and the radio has been disabled. Rian joins her and tells her that Emma was scared of her and told him to tie her up. They don’t know how to sail and will untie her if she takes them to land. Lacia agrees. Emma enters and holds the spear at her as Rian unties her. Lacia recoils when he gets near but steadies as he unties her.
The three eat a tense meal with Rian playing the charmer to lighten the mood. He fails.
11 EXT – SAILBOAT – DAY
Emma constantly keeps a weapon in her hand.
With food supplies dwindling, Lacia is going to spear fish and demands Rian is going with her to ensure she isn’t left behind. Rian notices her routine before going into the water. They successfully return to the boat with Rian singing her praises. Eaten with jealousy, Emma says she wants to dive too. Lacia secures her with a safety line and leaves Rian to keep an eye on her as she goes below.
Rian cleans the fish and throws the guts overboard as he did during the fog but this time it attracts sharks. Lacia returns to deck to see a fin and quickly yanks Emma back onboard. Emma is humiliated. Lacia notices the fish blood trail as Rian consoles Emma.
12 EXT – SAILBOAT – DAY
Lacia adjusts the sails to head for land. Rian volunteers to help and accidentally smashes Lacia’s arm and breaks her watch. Rian renders first aide but Lacia’s arm is badly injured. She won’t be able to manage the sails alone. He lets it slip that Emma disabled the radio.
13 EXT – SAILBOAT – NIGHT
After dinner, Rian sings a song that triggers Lacia. Then he accidentally detaches the sea anchor. With her injury, Lacia is unable to dive in to retrieve it.
Rian starts hoarding food.
14 EXT/INT – SAILBOAT – DAY (MULTIPLE DAYS)
Lacia must teach the couple to sail the boat. However, to remain essential, she disables the GPS and hides the navigation charts and tools.
Rian continually gets too close to and making physical contact with Lacia, triggering her PTSD. Emma sees Lacia’s reactions as a sign she is unpredictable and dangerous.
Water is running low.
Rian tells Emma that Lacia has been coming on to him during their lessons.
Emma gets sick after finding and eating Rian’s hoarded food that was spoiled.
Rian sees a small Coast Guard boat on the horizon and drugs Lacia. Emma is still out of it from the food poisoning.
Rian greets the Coast Guard crew. When he won’t let them go below, they become suspicious. One recognizes him as an FBI Wanted man. He kills them. He then sinks their boat. Lacia sees this through a drug haze that seems too like a dream to be real.
Rian checks in on the women to nurse them as they are once again alone. He finds the nav charts and sees their current location.
From his extensive time on her ship without a razor, Rian has started growing a beard. As her senses return, Lacia recognizes him from the Wanted poster at Pat’s store. He realizes she knows who he is. Lacia sends the awakened Emma to the deck to check the sails.
Once alone, they fight. The boat rocks wildly. Lacia realizes the rocking is from a storm. He knocks out Lacia and runs above to deal with Emma.
He finds her. They scuffle and he throws her overboard. But she is attached to the boat by a safety line. He tries to release it and is attacked by Lacia. She breaks free of him and struggles to pull Emma back onboard. Rian grabs Lacia and Emma is dangling from the side. She pulls herself up as Rian and Lacia fight. Emma joins the attack and together they defeat Rian.
They secure him to the mast and Lacia does her best to secure the deck. They go below to wait out the storm.
Next morning, the deck is laid waste. Rian is gone. They are dead in the water.
A Coast Guard ship arrives, looking for their missing boat. Lacia tells them what she saw. The CG tows her boat back to land. Emma makes friends with the crew while Lacia stays aboard her boat.
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Kimberly’s Thriller Map Version 1 REVIEWED
Title: Bluejacket
Logline: When a Navy SEAL who lives alone on a sailboat is taken hostage by a couple she rescues at sea, she must fight back to survive.
I might include some inner conflict like PTSD or a loss of a mate..
1 EXT – SAILBOAT/HARBOR – DAY
Lacia stands at the edge of her boat, a lumpy duffle on her shoulder. She looks up the harbor road toward her destination. She looks at feet, willing them to move. She closes her eyes, shakes her head. She looks at her watch in her inner wrist. Measures her breath. Steps on the dock.
I like the sense of apprehension of her going onto land
2 INT – GENERAL STORE – DAY
Pat owns the local grocery/USPS/library/hardware store.
Love this description of a small-town all-in-one store!
Behind the register are FBI Wanted posters of a young bearded guy and a grizzled old man.
INTRIGUE Should we know what he is wanted for?
Lacia never talks or gives any indication that she hears Pat. Lacia returns library books and checks out new ones. She gets her mail, signs over her disability check and picks up groceries while
INTRIGUE ON WHO IS LACIA
Pat deals with local trio of delinquents.
If Lacia is SEAL TEAM, wouldn’t she be compelled to help Pat? Maybe have her chase them away. Maybe a good spot to introduce intrigue on how the girl can kick three delinquents asses.
3 EXT – HARBOR TOWN – DAY
Returning to her boat, Lacia is intercepted by the trio who attack her. She fights them off then grabs her stuff and scurries to her boat.
Since she is SEAL TEAM, it would make more sense for them to bushwhack her by surprise. Then she just destroys them to show her far superior skills.
4 INT/EXT – SAILBOAT – DAY
Lacia reaches the safety of her cabin. She drops her things and removes ear plugs.
Why is she wearing earplugs? Is this why she wasn’t listening to Pat? Is this MIS?
She looks up the road at the trio licking their wounds as she unties the boat and leaves harbor.
Is there any mystery attached to why she is leaving?
5 EXT – SAILBOAT/OCEAN – DAY/NIGHT
At sea, Lacia’s days are routine and she is visibly more relaxed. She fishes, manages the boat, sleeps but never gets in the water.
This is mystery of why she is alone on the sea, intrigue as why a SEAL TEAM would be reluctant to go in the water. And suspense as to what will happen to her in the water -WELL DONE!!!
One afternoon, she falls asleep while fishing. She wakes up to see her pole flying into the ocean as a big something gets away. She gets her spear and stands on the edge of the boat, unable to take the leap. She looks at her watch. Measures her breath. Steps into the water.
Good SUSPENSE
She catches a fish and returns to the surface. Looks around for her boat, a good distance away. She then notices a fog rolling in quickly. She flies through the water to reach her boat before it disappears.
MORE SUSPENSE
Once onboard, she hears a noise in the cabin. She leaves the fish and takes the spear.
MORE SUSPENSE
6 INT – SAILBOAT – DAY
Lacia enters the cabin and points the spear at Rian who is devouring her food and water.
SUSPENSE and INTRIGUE AS TO WHO RIAN IS
Rian sets down the provisions and slowly raises his hands and shows he is unarmed and no threat.
MORE INTRIGUE AS TO RIAN
He tells her he swam from a boat that is adrift and asks for help. She warily agrees. He cooks her catch and she leaves him to sleep outside while she is protected in the cabin.
7 EXT – SAILBOAT – DAY
Fog has lifted and they go to his boat where he left his friend, Emma, who couldn’t swim the distance.
INTRIGUE FOR EMMA
8 EXT – CRUISER – DAY
Lacia meets Emma and goes below to see if she can repair the engine.
While they are alone, Rian tells Emma that Lacia is dangerous and is worried if Emma will be safe.
DOES EMMA KNOW THAT RIAN IS A KILLER?
WHY WOULD RIAN THINK THIS?
Emma suggests they leave her some food/water and escape on her sailboat. Rian reluctantly agrees after Emma says they will send help once they reach land.
WHY WOULD RIAN BE RELUCTANT TO LEAVE LACIA WHEN HE ALREADY THINKS SHE IS DANGEROUS? MAYBE HAVE RIAN GASLIGHTING EMMA TO LEAVE LACIA – TO SET HER UP AS AFRAID OF LUCIA SO IT MAKES SENSE TO BASH HER IN #9
When Lacia returns to the deck, she sees her boat moving away. With a brief hesitation, she jumps in the water and swims for her boat.
AGAIN – INTRIGUE AS TO WHY LACIAL IS AFRAID OF THE WATER
9 EXT – SAILBOAT – DAY
Lacia climbs aboard and wrestles Rian. Emma bashes her on the head and she is out cold.
MAYBE SET UP EMMA BEFORE AS BEING KIND TO LACIA, RIAN GASLIGHTS HER INTO BECOMING AFRAID OF LACIA TO THE POINT OF BASHIN LACIA.
10 INT – SAILBOAT – NIGHT
Lacia wakes up to discover she is tied up and the radio has been disabled. Rian joins her and tells her that Emma was scared of her and told him to tie her up. They don’t know how to sail and will untie her if she takes them to land. Lacia agrees. Emma enters and holds the spear at her as Rian unties her. Lacia recoils when he gets near but steadies as he unties her.
The three eat a tense meal with Rian playing the charmer to lighten the mood. He fails.
THIS SETS UP SOME NICE SUSPENCE!
11 EXT – SAILBOAT – DAY
Emma constantly keeps a weapon in her hand.
With food supplies dwindling, Lacia is going to spear fish and demands Rian is going with her to ensure she isn’t left behind. Rian notices her routine before going into the water. They successfully return to the boat with Rian singing her praises.
THIS IS A GOOD TURNING POINT AND SHIFT IN RIAN’S PERSPECTIVE OF LACIA – GREAT INTRIGUE AS TO HOW EMMA WILL RESPOND
Eaten with jealousy, Emma says she wants to dive too. Lacia secures her with a safety line and leaves Rian to keep an eye on her as she goes below.
I CAN SEE SOME DRAMA ATTACHED TO THE SAFETY LINE – PULLS HER UNDER THE BOAT OR SOMETHING
Rian cleans the fish and throws the guts overboard as he did during the fog but this time it attracts sharks. Lacia returns to deck to see a fin and quickly yanks Emma back onboard. Emma is humiliated. Lacia notices the fish blood trail as Rian consoles Emma.
BIG SUSPENSE!!
12 EXT – SAILBOAT – DAY
Lacia adjusts the sails to head for land. Rian volunteers to help and accidentally smashes Lacia’s arm and breaks her watch. Rian renders first aide but Lacia’s arm is badly injured. She won’t be able to manage the sails alone. He lets it slip that Emma disabled the radio.
MORE TENSION
13 EXT – SAILBOAT – NIGHT
After dinner, Rian sings a song that triggers Lacia. Then he accidentally detaches the sea anchor. With her injury, Lacia is unable to dive in to retrieve it.
SHE CUTS THE SEA ANCHOR LOOSE?
Rian starts hoarding food.
14 EXT/INT – SAILBOAT – DAY (MULTIPLE DAYS)
Lacia must teach the couple to sail the boat. However, to remain essential, she disables the GPS and hides the navigation charts and tools.
Rian continually gets too close to and making physical contact with Lacia, triggering her PTSD. Emma sees Lacia’s reactions as a sign she is unpredictable and dangerous.
HERE IS SOME GREAT MIS!!
Water is running low.
Rian tells Emma that Lacia has been coming on to him during their lessons.
Emma gets sick after finding and eating Rian’s hoarded food that was spoiled.
DOES SHE FEEL LIKE SOMEONE POISONED HER?
Rian sees a small Coast Guard boat on the horizon and drugs Lacia. Emma is still out of it from the food poisoning.
Rian greets the Coast Guard crew. When he won’t let them go below, they become suspicious. One recognizes him as an FBI Wanted man. He kills them. He then sinks their boat. Lacia sees this through a drug haze that seems too like a dream to be real.
BIG SUSPENSE!
Rian checks in on the women to nurse them as they are once again alone. He finds the nav charts and sees their current location.
Would he take supplies from the CG boat? Maybe a gun??
From his extensive time on her ship without a razor, Rian has started growing a beard. As her senses return, Lacia recognizes him from the Wanted poster at Pat’s store. He realizes she knows who he is. Lacia sends the awakened Emma to the deck to check the sails.
Once alone, they fight. The boat rocks wildly. Lacia realizes the rocking is from a storm. He knocks out Lacia and runs above to deal with Emma.
He finds her. They scuffle and he throws her overboard. But she is attached to the boat by a safety line. He tries to release it and is attacked by Lacia. She breaks free of him and struggles to pull Emma back onboard. Rian grabs Lacia and Emma is dangling from the side. She pulls herself up as Rian and Lacia fight. Emma joins the attack and together they defeat Rian.
~w0w~
They secure him to the mast and Lacia does her best to secure the deck. They go below to wait out the storm.
Next morning, the deck is laid waste. Rian is gone. They are dead in the water.
A Coast Guard ship arrives, looking for their missing boat. Lacia tells them what she saw. The CG tows her boat back to land.
Emma makes friends with the crew while Lacia stays aboard her boat.
NICE ENDING!
I could see a return appearance of Rian – the CG boat picked him up already….
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Melanie’s Thriller Map Version 1
Title: What She Heard
Logline: A small town 911 Operator and single-mom who is recovering from a bitter divorce becomes the only witness to a grueling murder of a woman caller and must piece together the killer’s identity from what she heard before she becomes the next victim.
Thriller Map 1 below:
ACT 1
EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX – DAY
VIVIENNE pulls her car into the apartment building’s parking lot. Waiting out front is her teen daughter, NATALIE, and her ex-husband DANNY. Danny acts strange, reserved, avoids eye contact with Natalie. They pull away and Vivienne sees a huge cut on Natalie’s arm. Vivienne’s questions Natalie if her dad had injured her and she evades answering, defending her father. Natalie wants to know why she never gives him a chance anymore. The blood seeps through her bandage and Vivienne heads to the Urgent Care.
INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY
Before work, Vivienne has a coffee with her best friend, LILY. She shares that she’s having anxiety since her first anniversary being single is at the end of the week. She reveals her suspicions about Danny hurting Natalie. Lily, instead, stands up for him. Vivienne questions how she could make that call when she didn’t really know him. Lily reveals they had an affair after Vivienne had filed for divorce but reassures her that she hasn’t talked to him in ages. Shocked, Vivienne grabs the bill and leaves.
INT. VIVIENNE’S CAR – DAY
Vivienne drives by “La Fois” restaurant (where Danny had proposed to her) and sees Danny having lunch with a blonde WOMAN. She almost gets into an accident. She ends up at work – the 911 Call Center – and talks herself into going in.
INCITING INCIDENT
INT. UPSCALE HOME – NIGHT
HOPE, a blonde Woman, is watching TV when all the lights go out. SOMETHING crosses in front of her window. She rushes upstairs, clamors in a drawer for her flashlight, and calls “911.”
INT. 911 CALL CENTER – NIGHT
Vivienne answers calls, multitasking, literally putting out fires. She sips tea at her station. A call comes in from Hope reporting a power outage. Vivienne tells her a power outage is not an emergency and hangs up to take another call. The woman calls back and now thinks she saw something outside but Vivienne decides there’s not enough to send out a police car. When she calls back a third time Vivienne hears a THUMPING noise, an exchange between her and the attacker, referred to as a pet name, a piercing SCREAM and then silence.
INT. UPSCALE HOME – CONTINUOUS
Officers arrive – too late. They find Hope dead at the bottom of the stairs with what looks like blunt force head trauma.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM, POLICE HQ – DAY
Vivienne is being questioned by Police Officers. She tries to remain calm, recounting the call. Learns that there was a fragment of wood found in Hope’s wound. She remembers a thumping sound before the scream. They show her a picture of the woman and she recognizes her as the woman her ex-husband was with at lunch. But she also remembers her from somewhere else. They say the woman’s husband is holding her at fault for not taking action sooner and could be pressing charges.
INT. HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS
The 911 Call Supervisor is next to be questioned, she sees Vivienne is shaky and recommends that she take the day off, assuring her that everything will be fine.
EXT. FUNERAL – DAY
Vivienne watches Hope’s funeral from afar. (FLASHBACK to her burying her father as a little girl). Feels like someone is watching her. She walks to her baby boy’s grave and sees fresh flowers left next to it. She starts to have problems breathing.
INT. URGENT CARE – LATER
Vivienne sees the same Doctor from before who tells her she has just had a panic attack. She’s tachycardic, light-headed – he tells her to try to relax. Maybe seek another line of work or get help. He gives her a business card for a psychiatrist to call…Dr. Hugo Gage.
INT. VIVIENNE’S HOME – NIGHT
Vivienne starts to pay off some bills but thinks she’s having an attack. Natalie notices, concerned. After she gets Natalie to bed, she takes out the business card and calls to set up an appt with the psychiatrist.
ACT 2:
INT. VIVIENNE’S HOME – DAY
The next morning, Vivienne and Natalie walk out to find that her car has been hit from behind while still parked in the driveway. She notices there is a blue mark on the bumper. They’re late for school so no time to call the cops.
INT. VIVIENNE’S CAR – DAY
Vivienne drops off Natalie at school. As she gets out, Natalie says that she’s been invited to a friend’s house for a sleepover that night. Vivienne is not happy but there’s nothing she can do.
INT. PSYCHITRATIST’S OFFICE – DAY
Vivienne meets Dr. Gage, her new psychiatrist. He’s charming, handsome, understanding and starts the session with gentle questions about her past. She reveals the last caller was why she decided to seek help…was it her fault? He prescribes tricyclic meds to help her with the anxiety.
INT. PHARMACY – DAY
Vivienne goes straight to the pharmacy to fill the RX. She immediately takes a pill at the counter, surprising the clerk.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
Vivienne is questioned by a lawyer as to her negligence in hanging up on the woman who died. She is remorseful but says she could possibly help by figuring out who the killer is. Perhaps she heard something.
INT. CALL CENTER, LOUNGE – DAY
In the lounge of the call center, Vivienne realizes her hands are shaking now more than they did before. She checks the bottle to check the drug’s name, looks it up on her phone. Yep, it’s an antidepressant. Intercom calls her back to her station.
INT. CALL CENTER – LATER
Vivienne avoids calls and the Supervisor catches her not answering. She is reamed out – saying that she could lose her job if she keeps it up.
EXT. VIVIENNE’S PORCH – NIGHT
Vivienne finds a bouquet of flowers on her porch – lilies. She figures they must be an apology from Lily. The flower shop’s logo (Engage with Flowers) is on the card.
INT. PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE – DAY
The next session, Hugo pushes her – probing her for details as well as her feelings for what happened that night. She starts to reveal the sequence of the events she heard on the phone. She thinks she may have heard a clue that would help police find the killer. He increases her dosage – telling her it will help alleviate the anxiety.
MIDPOINT:
INT. LILY’S HOME, KITCHEN – NIGHT
Lights flicker and Lily watches a storm roll past. The lights go dark. She hears footsteps, grabs her cell.
INT. CALL CENTER – CONTINUOUS
Vivienne answers her cell phone, seeing it’s Lily. She thanks her for the flowers but Lily doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Lily is scared – hearing something in her house. But she’s on her cell not on the 911 call lines, so Vivienne can’t phase the call. SCREAM! Vivienne dispatches police and an ambulance anyway. Vivienne breaks down. The Supervisor reacts, tells her to take it to the lounge.
ACT 3
INT. LILY’S HOSPITAL ROOM – LATER
Lily is alive – but unconscious. Vivienne sits by her bedside, crying. Lily’s cell phone buzzes on the nightstand. Curious, Vivienne picks it up and sees a recent call from Danny, thinks Lily is still seeing him.
INT. VIVIENNE’S HOME – DAY
Vivienne takes more pills, angrily breaks a picture of her, her ex-husband and Natalie. Vivienne reveals to Natalie that she lost a little boy because of her ex-husband’s cheating. Natalie grabs the picture in tears and goes to her room, locks her door.
TURNING POINT 3:
I/E VIVIENNE’S CAR – DAY
In front of school, Vivienne waits in car line but her daughter doesn’t show up. A Teacher tells her that she left earlier with her ex-husband. Vivienne calls Natalie who says she’s decided to stay with her dad for a while. Natalie tells her that she’s scared of her mom’s violent behavior. Vivienne hears this loud and clear.
INT. VIVIENNE’S HOME – DAY
Dr. Gage visits Vivienne unexpectedly to see how she’s doing, see if the new dosage is working. He walks in with a cane, sees the home is a wreck, invites himself in, looking at all of her pictures and her house. Vivienne is on an emotional roller coaster and fights to not tell him everything on her mind. She is taken aback by his visit and he tells her that he can increase the dosage if she’s still dealing with anxiety. He makes a pass at her and she throws him out.
After he is gone, Vivienne calls the Doctor at the Urgent Care to ask about Dr. Gage. The Doctor says that he didn’t really know him – he had been there previously with his wife and had taken his card. She asks about the meds that she’s been taking. He tells her that psychiatrists do prescribe that medicine for depression but the dosage is way too high for her. There must be a mistake.
She hangs up and flushes all the pills down the toilet.
ACT 4
INT. CALL CENTER – DAY
Vivienne reports to her desk only to find her Supervisor there holding up a bottle of pills that she had left in her desk drawer. The Supervisor fires her. While she is packing up her box, she recognizes her daughter’s number calling into 911 and she picks it up. It’s Natalie and she’s crying. She tells her mom that she’s hiding in a closet at her dad’s apartment. Someone is trying to hurt her. Vivienne drops everything and runs…telling the Supervisor to dispatch police that she thinks her ex-husband is about to attack her daughter.
I/E APARTMENT BUILDING – DAY
Vivienne races through the parking lot, past a blue car, and into the apartment. She rounds the corner but hears a THUMPING noise coming towards her. She braces to see her ex-husband. But it’s Dr. Gage, walking with his cane. Vivienne remembers the officer explaining the wood in Hope’s wound. She remembers the blue on her battered car. And she remembers Hope was their florist for her wedding – the logo on the flowers that were delivered to her “EnGAGE with Flowers.” She quickly pieces it together – he was Hope’s husband has been behind everything. He comes after her brandishing his cane and as she evades his attack, she calls 911 but no one answers. She then calls her ex-husband who picks up. After running endlessly through the apartment building, he corners her about to give the last blow. She asks him why he did it and he reveals that he saw his wife having an affair and they had a fight which ended in her death. Danny appears and stops Hugo from delivering the last blow.
INT. VIVIENNE’S HOME – LATER
Danny sees Natalie and Vivienne to the house, making sure all is safe inside. She questions Danny about having dinner with Hope & calling Lily. He tells her that if she still trusts him, he will tell her everything tomorrow night. Natalie smiles at her dad.
I/E. LA FOIS – NIGHT
Vivienne enters the restaurant to find it filled with balloons and flowers, and Natalie, Lily and Danny waiting for her. Danny tells her that he had taken Hope, the florist, to lunch and had been coordinating with Lily to plan this event for her. Danny approaches and gets down on one knee. To mark the date of their anniversary, he asks for her hand in marriage again, apologizing and promising to be a better husband and father.
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Melanie – would you like to trade feedback? My map for BLUEJACKET is just above yours in the thread.
~ Kimberly J
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Hi Kimberly – Would love to swap – sorry just seeing your message now. What is your email?
Thanks,
Melanie
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So far, so good, Melanie. Are you interested in an analysis swap?
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For Writer: Melanie Forchetti, What She Heard
What works: Competently drafted, continuity good, title okay, logline covers plot, high drama setting.
Clarity Issues:
Pronoun referents unclear, globally. (Mine were the same way.)
Why did Viv blow off the second phone call? (Scene 5)
What is the attacker’s pet name? (Scene 5)
Whose lawyer is she talking to? (Scene 16)
Why doesn’t Viv know if she heard something or not? (Scene 16)
How would an actor portray “thinking Lily is still seeing him?” (Scene 23)
Why did the supervisor fire Viv? (Scene 27)
Why does no one answer when she calls 911? (Scene 28)
Why is Hugo killing these particular people? (Scene 28)
What does Scene 29 do that Scene 30 can’t?
Punchlist:
Legend: ☐ = no, or could use more in this area; ☑ = yes, or satisfactory
☑ unknowing/unwitting Hero?
☐ resourceful hero?
☐ dangerous & fascinating villain, trying to destroy opposition?
☑ high stakes?
☐ plot twists?
☐ no flat passages?
☐ continuing suspense?
☑ LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS
☑ danger or implication of future danger at every step
☑ mystery appears early, imperiling Hero or a loved one
☐ hero is forced to solve the mystery?
☐ big intrigue, a crafty plot?
☑ got tension?
☑ got anticipation?
☑ got uncertainty ?
☐ got surprise?
☑ is there constant danger or expectation of danger to the hero?
☑ is there escalation of danger or stakes?
☑ is there a red herring?
☐ Do characters have mystery, intrigue, or suspense?
☐ Does the Villain have an end goal?
☐ Can the Villain reach it deviously
☐ Does the Villain conceal his plan?
☐ Does the plan follow an intriguing sequence?
☑ Are there trust/distrust issues?
☐ Are there action Reveals?
☐ Do the Reveals evoke viewer emotion?
☐ Is backstory minimized?
☑ Misdirection clues?
☐ Is there a primary clue trail?
For critiquer J Guenther:
☐ Were these marks encouraging?
☐ Does the Critique tell what works?
☐ Helpful ideas?
☐ Feedback based on Skill Mastery Sheet?
☐ Suggestions for clarity included?
☐ Ignores trivial details?
☐ Map checked for continuity?
END
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Kathy’s Thriller Map Version 1
Title: PASSPORT TO PERIL
Logline: After a new bride discovers her husband’s infidelities, she must use her wits to save her house and her life.
Thriller Map:
A. What is the reveal?
B. How did it get covered up?
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?
D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact.
CM = character misdirect
DM = dialogue misdirect
OC = overt clue
CC = covert clue
1. The first scene shows Ben’s ex-wife, Betsy Conner, in a wheelchair at the airport, checking in for a flight to Portugal. We see her name on her passport. She tells both the gate agent and Simone that she is not coming back. (OC) She has a cast on her left leg. On the way to security, she drops her passport and Simone, who is there to greet Ben, picks it up. Simone doesn’t see her name on the passport.
A. What is the reveal? A woman is in a wheelchair, can’t walk, is injured.
B. How did it get covered up? She doesn’t say why she is hurt. The audience knows her name but Simone doesn’t.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? She warns Simone that it could happen to her. Why did she say this? (DM)
2. Ben, a business associate, charms Simone into having dinner with him. ( new options)
3. Ben takes her to the botanic garden.
4. Ben looks at her house, an expansive MCM on a big lot worth over a million. (CC)
5. He takes Simone and her son Josh to a nice Italian restaurant.
6. 6 months later he proposes and she accepts. (inciting incident, solution makes things worse) (CC)
A. What is the reveal? Ben proposes.
B. How did it get covered up? He has a secret agenda.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Why did a man with the same last name as the lady in the wheelchair marry Simone?
7. He has her sign a pre-nup. (CC) He tells Simone it’s about his business but he has added a sentence that says if she dies before Josh is 18, then Ben gets the house so he can care for him. (CM, solution gets worse)
8. On the honeymoon, Simone finds a cryptic note of Ben’s, “call M about closing”. (CC) Ben says it’s nothing but it is a note about a past house closing that he did with Marcie. (DM)
9. Josh thinks Ben is buttering him up since he is always so nice. (CM)
10. Simone talks to her friend Beth about finding a mortgage statement. (OC) Ben and Betsy Conner are on the loan. Simone knows that Ben lied to her about the closing. (Unexpected side of Ben)
A. What is the reveal? Simone finds the statement with both names on it.
B. How did it get covered up? Ben hid it.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Ben lied.
11. Ben and Simone have a fight. (unexpected side) (CC)
12. Ben secretly rips up her will. (violates trust) (OC)
A. What is the reveal? Ben gets angry about Simone’s will.
B. How did it get covered up? Shows his hidden anger about the scheme to get her house, hasn’t worked.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? violence
13. They go to Thanksgiving dinner at his cousin Emily’s who tells Simone that Ben was a bully as a child and had 2 short previous marriages. Two marriages and 2 divorces in 2 years. ( turning point one, a major twist) (CM, secret identity) (OC)
A. What is the reveal? Ben had 2 previous marriages.
B. How did it get covered up? He lied.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Emily spills the beans.
14. They talk about taxes. Simone kneels at his feet. Ben says he will pay them. (changes sides)
15. They go to a convention on the Ga. coast. Simone is tired so she goes to sleep. Ben meets Marcie, his lover, who tells Ben that she will take care of Simone. ( danger) (OC)
A. What is the reveal? Marcie is also in on the scheme.
B. How did it get covered up? Ben keeps her a secret. Marcie won’t meet Simone until act 3.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Audience knows but Simone doesn’t.
16. Marcie hits Simone with a metal tennis racquet. (danger) (OC) Simone falls, has a concussion, needs stitches, remembers nothing.
A. What is the reveal? Marcie injures Simone.
B. How did it get covered up? She will hurt Simone to get what she wants.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? violence
17. Back home, Ben leaves and doesn’t give Simone any money. (lost resources, CC)
18. Beth suggests that Simone investigate Ben.(new options, CC)
19. Simone drives to Savannah and surprises Ben in his office. (new problem) He scrambles to hide Marcie’s photo. (OC) After Simone leaves, he calls Marcie and tells her to get her stuff out of his condo.
20. Beth finds the ex-wives, calls Simone. Simone finds out that Ben lied to her. His first wife didn’t die. (CC) She is the lady in a wheelchair that Simone met at the airport. (new identity, lie uncovered, CM)
A. What is the reveal? Beth finds the ex-wives.
B. How did it get covered up? Ben lied to Simone.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? The lady left the country, but why?
21. In Ben’s condo, Simone finds a gun. (OC) Ben aims it at her and pulls the trigger. It isn’t loaded. He scares her. (unexpected side, CM)
A. What is the reveal? Ben can shoot Simone.
B. How did it get covered up? He won’t reveal his feelings.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? violence
22. While Simone sleeps, Ben meets Marcie. He tells her about the pre-nup. Marcie says Simone could be in an accident. (danger) (CC)
A. What is the reveal? The pre-nup contents are revealed.
B. How did it get covered up? Ben lied to Simone.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Marcie plots violence
A. What is the reveal? Marcie is determined to get rid of Simone and get the money.
B. How did it get covered up? Marcie is Ben’s secret partner.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Will Marcie do it?
23. Simone wakes up, rummages through Ben’s desk, takes 2 CD’s. Simone tours Savannah the next day. Tells Beth she found 2 CD’s.(new options)
(added another scene where Ben loosens the bolts on Simone’s car. Car goes off the road on the way home. (OC) Simone OK, thinks the mechanic accidentally didn’t tighten the bolts at her last wheel alignment.)
24. Back home, Beth opens the CD’s. (OC) They find AmEx bills for expensive restaurants, women’s phone numbers and pictures of their houses. (secret identity revealed) The women think that Ben has been having many affairs. (midpoint: A major revelation. The opposition is 10 times worse than thought.)
A. What is the reveal? Women and houses are Ben’s goals.
B. How did it get covered up? He kept it a secret. Deception.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? The women think Ben is having affairs, don’t think anything else.
25. Simone cuts up Ben’s clothes. (new consequences)
26. Simone and Beth call a woman’s number. Rhonda Stevens tells them that Ben tried to get her house as a wedding present. (secret identity uncovered) (OC)
A. What is the reveal? Houses are mixed up in the scheme.
B. How did it get covered up? Ben kept it secret.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Simone breaks down in tears. She still doesn’t believe that Ben is such a bad husband.
27. They call Ben’s ex-wife, Nancy Edwards, who lives in Atlanta. They drive to her house. Nancy tells them that Ben conned her out of her house and threatened her father. (secret identity uncovered) (OC)
A. What is the reveal? Ben is worse than they thought.
B. How did it get covered up? They didn’t know Nancy. Ben kept it a secret.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Did Ben really do these things?
28. Beth says Ben has 2 personalities and needs a doctor. ( character jumping to conclusions)
29. Simone and Beth confront Ben, tell him they know about his women, tell him he goes to therapy or Simone divorces him. (new consequences)
A. What is the reveal? Now Ben knows that the women know.
B. How did it get covered up? They needed to do research.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? The women give him an ultimatum.
30. Marcie tells Ben that she has a plan that will speed things up. (danger) (CC)
31. Ben and Simone argue in the therapist’s office. Ben apologizes to Simone. (unexpected side, CM) (CC)
32. Montage of Ben and Simone sleeping apart, talking to the therapist. (new options, new consequences)
33. A month later, a car, driven by a woman in a red dress, grazes Simone. (OC) (TURNING POINT 2: Major setback, lowest of the low, danger) Simone has a broken elbow. Beth meets her in the hospital. Simone tells Beth she saw a woman driving who wore a red dress. (OC) The detective says the car was stolen, is registered to a man in Atlanta. (OC)
A. What is the reveal? Marcie really did hurt Simone.
B. How did it get covered up? Audience knows Marcie drove the car, Simone doesn’t.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Who is the driver?
34. Ben takes Simone to a fancy restaurant and apologizes. Says all the women were before her and that he loves her. (CM, DM)
Added: Ben and Simone kiss in bed. While Simone sleeps, Ben goes to the garage, grabs a wrench and pliers, kneels in front of Simone’s car, slides under it, twists the brake line loose, then walks out. (OC)
35. Simone tells Beth that the car was stolen and hasn’t been found yet. She says Ben is a changed man, he’s putting money into their account, that Ben’s wife Betsy was crazy. Wife #2 Nancy lied to get back at him and her dad wasn’t threatened, he says crazy stuff, has Altzheimers. Simone is delusional to the end. (CM, DM)
36. Ben wants Simone to visit him in Savannah. Beth is worried. (CC) Simone says, “It’s a tour? What could go wrong?” (CM, DM)
Added: Simone turns onto an airport exit ramp, puts her foot on the brake, and the car slows down. Simone puts her foot on the brake again and the car doesn’t stop. She mashes the brake pedal again. The car keeps moving and is very close to another car’s bumper. (OC) (new problem, danger) Simone screams. She wrestles the car to the right side of the road and onto a grass strip. It rolls to a stop. (new consequences)
37. Simone, without a cast, meets Ben at the Savannah airport. He calls Marcie, tells her the cast is gone. She says she’ll deal with Simone.(danger) (CC)
38. Ben tells Simone that the boat is not a tour boat, it is a friend’s boat. He doesn’t tell her Marcie is the owner. (CM, DM)
39. At the marina, Simone sees “HASHTAG” (CC), a 35 foot sailboat with a mast, 7 small windows, a deck with benches, and a large wooden wheel for steering. A hatch leads to the main cabin. Chrome railing encircles the vessel. On board, Simone meets Marcie, who Ben introduces as a colleague. Marcie says, “I’m sure we’ll become great friends“, which is a lie. (CC) (CM, DM)
40. They cast off and motor into the Wilmington River. Simone goes into the cabin, calls Beth, tells her she is not on a tour, is sailing to St. Simons Island, and Marcie is on the boat (CC). Beth is worried, tells Simone to call her when she gets to St. Simons. (lost resources)
41. Ben hoists the mainsail up. When it is full of wind, Marcie spins the wheel. The sail deflates. Ben swings the boom and the boat veers to the left. (OC) Simone screams, grabbing the railing as she falls. (danger) The boom narrowly misses her head. Ben secures the boom rigging to a cleat, says “nice jibe,” to Marcie. (CM, DM)
A. What is the reveal? Marcie continues to try to hurt Simone.
B. How did it get covered up? She doesn’t say why she wants to.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? violence
42. Simone goes into the cabin, finds a first aid kit, bandages her knee, sips a beer, finds a gun in a cabinet. Looks in a bin, finds makeup, a bra, panties, and a red dress, looks in another bin, finds a logbook for the boat, opens it, Marcie’s name is on the first page as the owner. (secret identity uncovered) (OC)
A. What is the reveal? Marcie owns the boat.
B. How did it get covered up? Ben lied to Simone.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Who owns the gun? Why did Ben lie about the boat?
43. Simone calls Beth but no answer. Simone goes up to the deck. Waits for sunset.
44. Simone goes back into the cabin, calls Beth, tells her that Marcie owns the boat and spun the wheel, almost knocking her down. Beth says to get off the boat asap, doesn’t trust either Ben or Marcie. (OC)
45. After dinner Ben walks off with Marcie, who wears a red dress, leaving Simone alone to shop. (CM, DM)
46. Back on the boat, Simone drops her shopping bags and calls Beth who says she is nervous about the gun, asks “who owns it?” (CC) Simone agrees to get a hotel room. ( something planned doesn’t happen)
47. Simone packs her bag and sees that the gun is missing. (OC) She’s looking for it as Ben and Marcie stagger onto the deck. Ben comes into the cabin. (start of the CLIMAX) He’s drunk, starts a fight, binds Simone’s hands, socks her. (OC) (danger) She plays dead.
A. What is the reveal? Ben will hurt Simone.
B. How did it get covered up? He hasn’t hit her before. This is unexpected behavior.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? violence
48. He grabs her cell and goes up the steps. Back on the deck, he tosses her phone overboard. (OC) (lost resources) Ben starts releasing the lines. Marcie’s afraid of getting caught. (CC) (unexpected side) Ben starts the engine and they move away from the dock. He stomps back downstairs to the cabin.
49. Simone plays dead. (CM) Ben and Marcie head to the bedroom and shut the door. Simone tries to free her hands then heads up to the deck.
50. Simone elbows the hatch doors shut. She spots the tackle box, kneels, turns around on her knees, and fingers the lock. It pops open. She fingers a knife and uses it to slowly cut the rope around her wrists. It parts. ( new resources, new options) She puts the metal crab net through the doors.
51. Simone turns to the radio next to the wheel, talks to the marine operator who tells her to turn on the running lights. She does. (new options) A white light from the mast spotlights the boat. A green light is on the right side and a red light is on the left side. A white stern light illuminates the water around the rear platform.
52. Ben notices the lights. As he kicks the doors, Simone says, “Operator, help. My husband is trying to kill me. There’s a gun on the boat…….somewhere.” (OC)
A. What is the reveal? Simone finally admits Ben is trying to kill her.
B. How did it get covered up? She has been in denial.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? violence
53. Intercut between Ben and Simone. He sees her through a hatch, and starts shooting. (OC) She’s talking to the marine operator but has to drop the microphone and run. (danger)
54. Simone climbs above the door as Ben shoots through the crab net handle. (danger) It splits and he opens the doors. She conks him on the head with a fire extinguisher and he falls back into the cabin onto Marcie.
55. The fire extinguisher rolls off the deck, through the railing, and disappears into the sea.( lost resources) (OC)
56. Simone shuts the doors again. She grabs a padlock from the tackle box and padlocks the doors. (new options)
57. She calls the marine operator again.(new options) The Coast Guard will be there in 10 min. Simone says, “I could be dead by then.” (danger) (CC)
58. Marcie shoots through the doors. (danger) Simone climbs to the bow. Marcie sees her, tells her Ben wants to apologize. (CM, DM) Simone says, “I know you own the boat.” Marcie says the CG isn’t coming. (lost resources)
59. Simone calls the marine operator again, “send the CG”.
60. Shots come through the cabin doors. One grazes Simone, hitting in her left calf. Blood pours down her leg. (danger) (OC)
61. Ben’s head pops through the ceiling hatch. He sees Simone and shoots through the doors again, hitting the radio, which smolders. (danger) Simone climbs back on the deck. The radio is on fire. (OC)
62. Marcie sees the fire. Simone, toward the bow, turns, creeps back to the open hatch, and kicks the back of Marcie’s head, forcing her inside, then closes the hatch and stands on it’s edge. Shots go through the ceiling hatch. (danger) Simone jumps back. The hatch pops open.
63. Ben aims the gun at Simone, tells her to open the doors. (danger) She ducks in front of the doors where he can’t see her, spots the tackle box, grabs a big wrench ( new options, resources), leaps up, and hits Ben on the head with the wrench. (OC)
64. Ben, gun in hand, falls into the cabin on top of Marcie. The gun hits her head. Both lie in a pile on the cabin floor. ( new consequences)
65. Flames reach a canvas tarp covering the narrow deck under the starboard railing. (OC) (danger) The canvas catches on fire and the flames spread along the right side. Simone opens a storage box to the left of the cabin doors. She grabs a towel and tries to put out the flames but the towel catches on fire so she throws it overboard. (lost resources) A coil of rope on the deck catches fire. ( more danger) (OC)
66. Simone backs away from the flames and climbs onto the cabin roof. She walks along the railing until she is at the bow.
67. The flames along the tarp grow higher. (more danger) (OC)
68. The mainsail edge blackens, smolders, then catches fire. (worse thing possible happens) (OC)
69. Simone holds onto the bow railing and stares into the depths. “I love you Josh.”
70. The CG arrives and extinguishes the flames. (OC) Ben and Marcie are handcuffed. (new consequences)The sailboat is towed to shore. The duo are jailed. (new consequences)
71. They go in front of a judge. Marcie confesses, “He was gonna con her out of her house like his other wives.” The judge tells Ben, “You gave your wife a passport to peril.” ( new consequences)
A. What is the reveal? The scheme is revealed.
B. How did it get covered up? Ben lied throughout the whole marriage.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Ben and Marcie finally get what they deserve: jail. ( new consequences)
72. On an airliner, Simone sits next to a handsome French man. Two glasses of red wine are on the tray between them. “I divorced Ben a year ago. It’s taken this long to sell his condos. Versailles first or maybe the Louvre?” The man speaks, “Both are national treasures.” Simone: “My grandmother named me. She grew up on Guadeloupe and always wanted me to see Paris.” Man, “I’d love to see the Louvre again. I’m free on Friday.” She sips her wine and laughs. “Friday will be perfect.” ( new options, consequences)
73. CLOSE ON: A PASSPORT STICKING OUT OF HER BAG.
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Hi Kathy. I would like to review your script for you. We both have female hero’ who have to rise up to save their homes against all odds.
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Will email it.
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just emailed you my markup
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Michael Williamsen #15 Thriller Map PLEASE SCROLL DOWN TO MAP#2 = THANKS
“Zip Tie Strangler” or simply “ZiP!” ?
VILLAIN’S PLAN. Narcissist Attorney Bob will do anything to build and protect to become the biggest human and sex trafficking organization. He gaslights Victoria into trusting him.
HERO Sheriff Mike’s ex-wife rookie reporter Victoria, dating the Villain. Must maintain “everyone’s sweetheart” image while manipulating them all to save her daughter and the kidnapped children
RED HERRING Sheriff Mike, alcoholic, dying of prostate cancer, in re-election for sheriff, will stop at nothing to save his daughter.
LOGLINE: Veronica must manipulate her alcoholic ex-husband Sheriff Mike, her narcissist billionaire boyfriend, and the local gangsters to find her daughter who has disappeared and stop a kidnapping ring.
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OPENING
EXT. BAR NIGHT
A thug is killed in an alley with a knife and ziptie around his neck. ZiP!
EXT. CRIME SCENE DAY
Sheriff Mike is the kidnapping investigator, also investigating a murder. Victoria is a reporter at the crime scene of the man killed with the Ziptie. Victoria shows anger towards Mike, affection to billionaire Bob.
EXT. BORDER CROSSING CAGES – DAY
Thugs take children from border-crossing cages and deliver to various sites.
INT. MIKES OFFICE DAY
The Villain Bob and sheriff Mike get in a finger pistol shootout in Mike’s office.
INT. VICTORIA’S HOUSE DAY
Victoria is in Mike’s and her big house talking on the phone about the mortgage. She is cleaning a large windowless basement area sealed by a vault door. It is filled with guns, other weapons, bullet loading machines. She suggests selling items to pay mortgage. Mike says NO.
Bob calls Victoria. Victoria tells Bob she is losing the family house in foreclosure. Bob says, he has an idea, “trust me.” (gaslighting)
INCITING INCIDENT
INT. MIKES OFFICE DAY
Sheriff Mike and Victoria’s daughter has disappeared. Victoria accuses Sheriff Mike of taking her. She calls Bob who supports blame at sheriff Mike. (gaslighting)
INT. BAR NIGHT
The Mayor is bribed to join kidnappers saying: “what do we do with Mike?”
End of ACT I – we know what the story is about
ACT II
INT. MIKES CAR DAY
Sheriff Mike finds out he has terminal Prostate Cancer making him desperate to find his daughter.
TURNING POINT one – ACT II
Serial killings and kidnappings escalate.
Clues connecting Sheriff Mike, ex-wife Victoria, Mike’s driver Dave, and Villain Bob’s driver Joe.
Victoria steals evidence of the kidnappers from Bob.
MIDPOINT (middle of Act II) lines of loyalty are drawn
INT. RESTAURANT – EVENING
Victoria gives Sheriff Mike evidence Bob the Villain is the kidnapping ringleader. She realizes Mike did not take Lucy. Who did?
INT: BOB’S CAR DAY (on phone)
Bob is parked outside a warehouse unloading children into a warehouse. Bob tells her he knows she took the file, in fact he set it up for her to take as it reveals evidence that he couldn’t give up due to client confidentiality. (gaslighting) She believes him.
INT. MAYORS OFFICE MORNING
Sheriff Mike, thinking Mayor is a trusted friend, gives him the evidence file. Mayor has already sided with the kidnappers.
EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY
Mike’s driver Deputy Dan fixes Victoria’s purse with a ziptie. ZiP! They all recognize the sound and suspect each other of involvement in serial killings.
INT. DAVES APARTMENT – NIGHT
Victoria discovers Deputy Driver dan has his own evidence of kidnappers and a few weapons in his apartment. Deputy Dan is doing private investigation. Dan is related to Victoria. Kidnappers find out Dan is on to them
Bob tells Victoria that, thanks to his file getting into the proper hands, there will be a big bust on the kidnapping ring. Bob has a lead on the whereabouts of Lucy.
INT. AIRPORT – DAY
Mike tries to save Dave by sending him out of the country. Dave is killed. He tells Mike that they were being followed.
INT. MIKES CAR – DAY
Sheriff Mike’s good friend Police Chief is killed.
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT – DAY
School buses of children are kidnapped during Police Chief’s funeral.
TURNING POINT TWO -ACT II – all hope lost for the hero and red-herring
INT. MIKES APARTMENT – MORNING
Victoria is in bed with Mike. Mike is arrested and charged with being the kidnapper and the serial killer. Victoria escapes even before Mike tells her about the escape door.
Villain Bob’s driver Joe helps Mike escape into the Mexican Ghetto – with a tracker.
INT. MIKES OFFICE – DAY
Deputy Dan tells Mayor and Bob of Mike’s military medals; one is a sniper medal. Deputy Dan looks out the window and is shot in the head by a sniper.
CLIMAX
EXT. VARIOUS WAREHOUSES – MORNING
The Mexican Ghetto gangsters are empowered powered by truckloads of weapons and show their strength by rescuing their children and killing all the kidnappers.
INT. COFFEE SHOP – MORNING
The tracking device leads Villain Bob to Mike at a coffee shop.
Mike and Villain meet face to face in the coffee shop. Both stating their intentions to kill each other. Victoria is secretly hearing on Mike’s speaker phone. Bob reveals he has Mike and Victoria’s daughter.
Villain Bob shoots Mike.
Villain Bob encounters Mexican Gangsters with switch blades in the back alley.
. (at this point, we really don’t know who the ZiPtie strangler is. I could pin it on the Mexican Gangsters by them using the ZiPtie but am preferring to leave it open.)
RESOLUTION
EXT. BEACH IN EXOTIC COUNTRY – MORNING
Villain’s driver Joe, Mike’s ex-wife Victoria, and daughter meet on the beach in Mexico. They pour Mike and Dave’s ashes into the ocean.
Victoria still has a zip-tie holding her purse together. They exchange startled stares. She pulls it off. ZiP!
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Michael Williamsen.
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Michael – if you are not yet trading feedback on this version, would you like to review our maps? Mine also has a female protagonist.
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I would be honored to exchange reviews. I usually don’t write female characters. I am planning on having the narcissist villain use gaslighting on the female hero and have her turn it against him to manipulate him!! I will cut and paste your map into a word file and post it under your post.
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Kimberly’s Feedback for Michael on ZiP!
1. Identify Victoria as ‘Rookie reporter…’ and Red Herring as “Victoria’s ex-husband Sheriff Mike…” It’s a subtle difference, but it will matter to any woman who reads your pitch / script.
2. Logline – ‘must manipulate’ doesn’t suggest thriller. Perhaps: outwit, overcome. How about something like… A rookie reporter, hot on the trail of a kidnapping ring, must outwit local gangsters, her alcoholic ex Sheriff Mike and her narcissist billionaire boyfriend to bring her missing daughter safely home.
3. Scene 2 Crime Scene – what is Bob doing there? You mention her affection but not how it ties into the scene.
4. Scene 4 Mike’s Ofc – Does this scene serve any purpose other than finger pistol shootout?
5. Scene 5 Victoria’s House – If it’s her family home, why is ex Mike’s stuff still there and why does her family home have a vault in the basement. Were they jewelers or doomsday nuts? And why would he care about the mortgage if they are divorced. Also, ‘trust me’ seems like deception, not gaslighting.
6. Scene 6 Mike’s Ofc– Gaslighting would be telling her that, all evidence to the contrary, Mike didn’t take her daughter and she is overreacting.
7. Block 9 turning point – How did Bob get connected to the kidnappers and what is the evidence?
8. Scene 13 Parking Lot – who all is there? If deputy used the zip tie, why would others seem guilty?
9. Scene 14 Dave’s Apt (I think you are calling the same character both Dan and Dave) – Is Bob also in the apartment or is this a different scene where he talks with Victoria?
10. Scene 16 Mike’s Car – have we met the Chief of Police before learning he is killed? I think some story points may be missing. Was he killed by ziptie killer?
11. Scene 18 Mike’s Apt – I think more parts of the story are missing. How did they end up in bed together? You need a new slug line for Joe helping Mike escape to Mexico – unless that happens in his apt after Victoria leaves, in which case, what is Joe doing there?
12. Scene 19 – So Dan wasn’t dead before? Did Mike have two drivers, Dan and Dave?
13. Climax Block – Is Bob killed in the alley? How did Victoria find & rescue Lucy?
I think you understand the story well. But it isn’t clearly expressed here as there are gaps and story leaps. My guess is that we take this thriller map and plug it into screenwriting software to then easily write each scene since they are well defined and identified by slug lines. If you add more detail to the scene description and ensure each new location has its own slug line, then you’ll have a great outline to evolve into your screenplay without missing any beats.
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Brilliant Kimberly! I am printing out your comments and will address them. Making a tight map seems like building a skeleton before as I most often do; start polishing the fingernails of characters. What I really like about this class is doing the MAP first.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by
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Leona Heraty’s Thriller Map Version 2
Title: TERROR ON THE TOTEM TRAIL
Villain’s Plan: Tuvelle has been stalking McKenzie and then she hires her neighbor, Todd, to stalk McKenzie too, wearing a creepy mask and cape while they’re hiking to Perilous Peak. Tuvelle wants to gain McKenzie’s trust, then push her off of Perilous Peak to her death.
Hero: McKenzie
Red Herring #1: Todd, dressed as the Figure With a Creepy Mask
Red Herring #2: The bird watcher guy
Logline: While searching for the Lost Totem Trail on her way to Perilous Peak, a woman encounters a hysterical young woman who says she’s being stalked by a man wearing a creepy mask, but the young woman may not be all she appears. T 1EXT– DOWNTOWN SAN DIEGO STREET – NEW YEAR’S EVE – NOON
A Creepy Masked Figure follows McKenzie as she drives to work, but she is too wrapped up in the music to notice.EXT — DOWNTOWN SAN DIEGO PARKING LOT
The Figure With a Creepy Mask lurks behind McKenzie. She hears footsteps behind her, looks back, and the masked figure darts into an alley. McKenzie looks behind her but nobody is there.EXT./SAN DIEGO – BOARDMAN & BOARDMAN, ESTATE PLANNING LAW
The Figure With the Creepy Mask lurks by the office, and then flits by aINT. SAN DIEGO – BOARDMAN & BOARDMAN, ESTATE PLANNING LAW – MCKENZIE’S OFFICE
McKenzie reads a flyer about hiking to Perilous Peak with a hiking group that afternoon.
McKenzie’s Uncle John and Aunt mention McKenzie’s “hiking fiasco 10 years ago.” McKenzie says she’ll see them tonight at their New Year’s Eve party.EXT./SAN DIEGO – BOARDMAN & BOARDMAN, ESTATE PLANNING LAW
McKenzie hurries down the side walk, shivers and turns to look behind her, but nobody is there.EXT–DOWNSAN DIEGO PARKING LOT
McKenzie has a flat tire and fixes it and drives on. The Creepy Masked Figure follows McKenzie’s car, but McKenzie still doesn’t notice she’s being followed.INT. SAN DIEGO – MCKENZIE’S CAR
McKenzie drives in circles and calls her sister, Betty, for directions to her house. Betty, shows up and she follows her back to their Mom’s house.EXT/INT – SAN DIEGO – MCKENZIE’S MOM’S HOUSE
McKenzie shows her Mom a hiking magazine with the cover is a photo of Yosemite and a lady park ranger. McKenzie’s Mom wads up the hiking flyer, and throws it in the trash. McKenzie grabs the flyer out of the trash and says she’s going anyway, since her Mom just threw down the gauntlet. (Inciting Incident)The Figure With the Creepy Mask flits leaves large cardboard cut-out of the Grim Reaper at their door and McKenzie kicks it!
EXT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK/VISITOR CENTER
An Uber driver pulls up with McKenzie in the car. The Figure With the Creepy Masks gets out of their car and hides. Ranger Bob tells McKenzie the hiking group has already left and he gives her a new map with an alternate route to Perilous Peak. A large mural is labeled THE LEGEND OF THE LOST TOTEM TRAIL.EXT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS
McKenzie follows the map, but takes a wrong turn, and gets lost. She calls Ranger Bob for directions but can’t get cell service and it starts to thunder and the sky darkens.EXT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS
McKenzie is scared by a creepy bird watcher guy who tries to flirt with her, then he leaves.EXT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS
McKenzie hears a young woman’s SCREAMS and she runs towards the sounds.
EXT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS
McKenzie trips over a backpack that has blood on it and she pulls out a bloody scarf and SCREAMS.EXT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS – RIDGE
The Creepy Masked Figure appears above on a ridge and YELLS and waves a knife at McKenzie and we hear more SCREAMS from the young woman.EXT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS – LARGE ROCK OUTCROPPING WITH HIDDEN RECESS
McKenzie follows the SCREAMS and finds a young woman, TUVELLE, who says she’s being stalked by a guy wearing a creepy mask and brandishing a knife. Tuvelle tells McKenzie she’s twisted her ankle and ask her to contact help for her and McKenzie agrees. (Turning Point at End of Act 1)
ACT 2
EXT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS – RIDGE
McKenzie sees the Figure With the Creepy Mask running down a ridge, waving a knife at her and she runs away down another twisted trail.EXT/INT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS/CAVE ENTRANCE
McKenzie rides out the storm in the cave and tries to call the cell number and talks to Tuvelle briefly until Tuvelle screams, asks for help then the line goes dead. A large tree falls in front of the cave entrance, blocking her way out.INT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS/CAVE
McKenzie discovers a strange group called the Off-the-Grid Club. The leader points McKenzie to a cave with green and blue fluorescent ancient symbols painted on the walls glowing blue and green tiki torches and says to follow it to the exit.INT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS/CAVE/BACK SIDE OF PERILOUS PEAK
McKenzie exits the cave, trips, rolls down a ravine to the bottom and then over a ledge and is rescued by the bird watcher man. He agree to go to the Visitor Center for help for Tuvelle. McKenzie will try to get to Perilous Peak.EXT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS ON BACK SIDE OF PORCUPINE PEAK—CLEARING SURROUNDED BY A GROVE OF TREES
McKenzie sees a sign for an old abandoned gold mine. The Creepy Masked Figure spots her and shakes the knife at her and starts to run her way.
INT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS/CAVE/BACK SIDE OF PORCUPINE PEAK–ABANDONED GOLD MINE
McKenzie runs into the gold mine as the Creepy Masked Figure runs past outside the mine, brandishing a knife. McKenzie encounters ghostly miners and follows one of them on a mine cart to the exit, as she’s chased by the Creepy Masked Figure.EXT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS/CAVE/BACK SIDE OF PORCUPINE PEAK–ABANDONED GOLD MINE EXIT – CONTINUOUS
McKenzie spots a trail sign towards the backside of PERILOUS PEAK and she follows it.EXT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS/BACK SIDE OF PERILOUS PEAK/HALLOWED OUT LOG BENCH – CONTINUOUS
McKenzie hears SOBBING and sees Tuvelle sitting on a log and she says she was chased by the Masked Figure with a knife, and she sprained her ankle. Tuvelle SCREAMS and points to a red mark on her arm and a Black Widow Spider on the log. Tuvelle has been bitten by the spider! (Midpoint Turning Point)
ACT 3EXT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS/BACK SIDE OF PORCUPINE PEAK/HALLOWED OUT LOG BENCH
McKenzie ties a bandana around Tuvelle’s spider bite then sees a sign that says ALTERNATE ROUTE TO PERILOUS PEAK. She sees glowing blue and green totems that line the trail of tall pine trees. Tuvelle leans on McKenzie as they slowly make their way.EXT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS/BACK SIDE OF PERILOUS PEAK/ALTERNATE ROUTE TO PERILUS PEAK/GREEN AND BLUE TOTEM MARKERS ON TRAILS
At the trail head, are blocked by a rockslide. They backtrack down the trail, and McKenzie spots an elevated ridge.EXT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS/BACK SIDE PERILOUS PEAK/ALTERNATE ROUTE TO PERILOUS PEAK/RIDGE/ROCKY CLEARING
McKenzie sees a trail that leads to a grassy clearing down below in the distance and glowing blue and green totems that line the steep mountain trail.EXT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS/BACK SIDE OF PERILOUS PEAK/GRASSY CLEARING
They find a large metal circular hatch stamped with PROPERTY OF U.S. DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE/WAR MUNITIONS STOARGE, 1942.EXT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS/BACK SIDE OF PORCUPINE PEAK/GRASSY CLEARING/HATCH IN GROUND
McKenzie and Tuvelle heave up the heavy metal opening.EXT./INT./ CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS/BACK SIDE OF PORCUPINE PEAK/GRASSY CLEARING/UNDERGROUND STAIRS
Tuvelle and McKenzie slowly head down the stairs which end atINT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS/BACK SIDE OF PORCUPINE PEAK/GRASSY CLEARING/UNDERGROUND MUNITIONS TUNNEL
In a tunnel with blue and green wall sconces they hear VOICES MURMURING AND LAUGHING below them.INT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS/BACK SIDE OF PORCUPINE PEAK/GRASSY CLEARING/UNDERGROUND MUNITIONS TUNNEL/MUNITIONS STORAGE ROOM
The storage room ha blue and green lights and WWII labeled munitions and Army supplies. McKenzie steps on a trap door and falls down a long chute.INT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS/BACK SIDE OF PORCUPINE PEAK/UNDERGROUND CAVERN/WAR ROOM
McKenzie lands in the room with Tuvelle behind her. GHOSTLY MEN AND WOMEN in WWII uniforms plan strategies around a large table map of the South Pacific. They point McKenzie and Tuvelle to a hidden exit door.INT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS/BACK SIDE OF PORCUPINE PEAK/UNDERGROUND CAVERN/EXIT STAIRS
They follow the stairs up to trap door and push it upward, then step outside toEXT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS/BRIDGE/BACK SIDE OF PORCUPINE PEAK
Tuvelle runs over the bridge. McKenzie falls through a hole in the bridge and plunges into the stream below and hits her forehead on a rock. (Turning Point: Huge failure/Major shift)ACT 4
EXT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS/BRIDGE
The Creepy Masked Figure pulls McKenzie out of the water. His name is Todd and
Tuvelle hired him to scare them on the trail. A knife falls out of his cloak and McKenzie runs away.
EXT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS/BRIDGE/BACK
SIDE OF PERILOUS PEAK/EDGE OF GRASSY CLEARING/BRIDGE OVER STREAM
McKenzie sees a sign that says TO FIRE LOOKOUT TOWER.THE FIRE LOST LOOKOUT TOWER TRAIL
McKenzie runs up the twisty trail then down to a hidden valley below.HIDDEN VALLEY/LOST FIRE LOOKOUT TOWER/OUTSIDE LADDER
McKenzie picks her way across the rocky valley to an old fire lookout tower, climbs a tall tower and enters the tower.INT. LOST FIRE LOOKOUT TOWER
McKenzie sees a GHOSTLY PARK RANGER who points through the huge panoramic window to the LOST TOTEM TRAIL that glows with blue and green totems, lighting the way up to Perilous Peak.EXT. EMBANKMENT NEAR BRIDGE AND STREAM
Tuvelle grabs the knife and kicks him in the side, grabs his binoculars and LAUGHS and scrambles up the embankment as Todd gets up and runs after her.
EXT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK TRAILS/BRIDGE/BACK
SIDE OF PERILOUS PEAK/EDGE OF GRASSY CLEARING/BRIDGE OVER STREAM
Tuvelle sees a sign that says TO LOST FIRE LOOKOUT TOWER. She spots the hidden valley and fire lookout tower. She sees McKenzie in the lost lookout tower, though the tower’s giant window.EXT. MONTAGE
Tuvelle sprints away, with Todd running after her, trying to keep up. Tuvelle takes the trail with the sign that says TO LOST FIRE LOOKOUT TOWER with Todd chasing her.EXT. HIDDEN VALLEY WITH LOST LOOKOUT TOWER
Tuvelle and Todd climb the ladder to the tower, but when they get inside, there’s no ghost. Tuvelle spots McKenzie in the distance below, resting on a giant rockGIANT ROCK 300 FEET BEYOND THE TOWER AND HIDDEN VALLEY
McKenzie sees glowing blue and green totem trail up ahead, the Lost Totem Trail and heads that trips on a rock and falls, twists her ankle, then sits on a boulder to bandage it.EXT. HIDDEN VALLEY WITH LOST LOOKOUT TOWER
Tuvelle scurries down the tower’s ladder with Todd close behind her and they rush toGIANT ROCK 300 FEET BEYOND THE TOWER AND HIDDEN VALLEY
They confront McKenzie as she sits on the rock, rubbing her painful bandaged ankle. Tuvelle pulls out pepper spray and threatens to spray Todd if he doesn’t leave them alone.EXT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK LOST TOTEM TRAIL – CONTINUOUS
McKenzie leans on Tuvelle as the two struggle up the trail, the glowing green and blue totems lighting the way. Tuvelle hoists herself over the side toEXT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK/PERILOUS PEAK
Tuvelle helps McKenzie up to the peak. She tries to dial nine-one-one, but can’t get cell coverage. Todd hoists himself up and onto the peak.(Climax/Ultimate Expression of the conflict)
Tuvelle rushes at Todd with the knife and spills her backpack and plastic Black Widow spiders and press on spider bite tattoos fall out, then a can of pepper spray rolls out and Tuvelle picks it up and looks evil. Tuvelle admits that she did hire Todd to scare them and she’s been following McKenzie and sabotaging her since Nov 1, since McKenzie stole her “new prospect” at the Halloween party and made her break her winning streak with men and her grandparents called her a “magnificent loser.”
Tuvelle stabs him in the leg and he and tumbles off the cliff. Tuvelle walks towards McKenzie with the knife. We hear the TUM TUM TUM of drums. Several glowing giant blue and green totems appear over the edge of ridge and float above Tuvelle. Tuvelle SCREAMS, stumbles backward, trips on a boulder and falls off the cliff to her death.The ghostly totems swirl away across the summit and then disappear.
(Resolution)
McKenzie pulls Todd up off the cliff with a tarp and they crawl off peak. We hear the TUM TUM TUM of drums.
EXT. CUYAMACA RANCHO STATE PARK/LOST TOTEM TRAIL
Blue and green ghostly totems float before them and line each side of the trail that leads them down toward the visitor center. Around the bend, in the distance, they see the Visitor Center. They continue to follow the totems down the trail, the Visitor Center within fifty feet, and then the totems swirl around them, then disappear. The sun sets and Todd kisses McKenzie and she invites him to a New Year’s Eve party.-
Leona: Your script looks promising. Interested in a swap? Mine needs a lot of help.
Jeff
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James’s Thriller Map #1
FARM MURDERS – (very tentative title)
LOGLINE: As an ambitious Trans Male, degree in Psychology and Forensic Accounting, and minor in LGBTQ Studies, waits for word on acceptance into the FBI, he is called home for the mysterious death of his Mother – on the family farm, where he struggles to uncover a major plot to buy off the family farms to a globally well-liked Billionaire.
EXT. BARN – NIGHT
Woman walks backwards out of Barn at night – shock at discovering something, then heads out quick to the road – soon 3 HOODED GUYS follow her –
EXT. FARM ROAD – NIGHT
She runs, they chase after. When they get too close the Lead Hooded one says to fall back. “Give her a chance.” They wait for her to get to another farm and in the middle of the field one of them finally tackles her and another hits her over the head, she lands face down. They rub her face in the farm dirt – she is unconscious when a Thrasher approaches – only feet away she awakes to see it upon her and SCREAMS.
EXT/INT. COLLEGE (INTERCUT WITH ABOVE)
Tang refuses to tell her college friends of her home life.
Friends ask him for his “dead name” at least. He says “That’s why I’m never going back – because “Tina” will always be alive there.”
Reveal Tang is a FBI WANNABE: Tang and friends discuss now days away from her double-major that he heard back from the FBI and they are interested.
Tang, on the morning of graduation day, gets call to come home as the woman who died was her Mom.
EXT/INT. TANG’S FAMILY FARM –
Tang goes home to grieve and wants to comfort and get comfort from his dad, who grieves hard but stoically.
But his Dad turns away from his only child.
INT. SCHOOL GYM
A memorial for Mom – she was assistant coach to the HS sports and it’s the biggest place in the town to have all who loved her pay their respects.
Tang used to be TINA – the best soccer player she had to place on the men’s team. Behind the Glass is her picture and top scorer in the mid-west.
INT. CORONERS OFFICE – DAY
Tang has to assert himself to get the medical and coroners report. Coroner says the found nothing suspicious – she’s the only one to work the thrasher on the farm and must of hit something and shot out in front of it and got run over.
He sakes his head – “At 11 pm??” Coroner berates him: “What do you know – you haven’t been here for the last four years.”
Farm folk call her TINA and so he uses it to threaten them: “I killed Tina so what do you think I’ll do to you if you don’t give me what I have a legal right to possess?!”
A Young MAN, we’ll known him later as BUBBA, yells out “I killed your Mom so what do you think about that?!” And runs off before he can be recognized.
INT. HAMBURGER JOINT – NIGHT
Finds comforting conversation with Phil and a Girl she had a HS crush on who now likes “her” as a “Him.”
Tang goes home.
INT. TANG’S FAMILY FARM –
Tang enters and his Dad, in a wheelchair, won’t talk to him. Turns his back on his only child.
EXT. COFFEE SHOP PATIO
Phil and Tang get back to being best buddies. BUT Prejudices from townsfolk who knew him as female and call him “TINA.” Specially from an old HS guy BUBBA.
They call him TINA a lot and it builds that finally he yells at Bubba: “My name is Tang! Tang, got it??” Bubba says “Well, that’s the stupidest name ever.” TANG: “Okay, what’s your name?” BUBBA: “Bubba.” TANG: “Members of the jury, I rest my case.” (Tang recognizes the sound of his voice from outside the coroners office the day before)
When Tang leaves to go home – Another Guy threatens him with a shotgun they grab from the cab of his beat-up truck. Tang uses his defense training to easily take the weapon from him and shoot out one of his tires. TANG: “That buckshot in your tire just doubled your trucks value. You can thank me later.”
He shoots the other bullet into the air and hands back his empty weapon.
Eyes always upon Tang. Only the younger teens accept Tang, their eyes upon their iPhones “He’s Trans? Cool.”
INT. FARMER’S HOME – NIGHT
3 GUYS dress in HOODS with voice disguise mechanisms to force A Farmer, at gunpoint, to sign their farm deed over to them.
INT./EXT. CORONER’S OFFICE – DAY
The coroner resists giving Tang his report on cause of his Mom’s death. TANG: “I mean she wasn’t chopped into one inch cubic bits, correct?”
Outside Tang meets with Phil who listens to her suspicions about her mom’s death and suggests many things to do to figure it out. Phil is very pro-active.
INT. TANG’S FAMILY FARM –
At Dinner with Dad: Dad says there is no reason for a cause of death. Tang says they have procedures for a death like that.
Dad wants to give Tang relief that Mom is alive and fine but can’t.
All Mom’s friends arrive and don’t want to tell Tang anything. 1. Trans now. 2. Think a “daughter” should never have left her parents for so long. 3. They are despondent because they think Mom is really dead.
[Oddly, the most conservative one now will later become Tangs friend?]
INT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE – DAY
The Sheriff acts like he’s hiding something. (Mom was the Sheriff’s HS sweetheart he was supposed to marry once)
[We don’t know that He is behind the fake death of Mom also and is hiding that!]
The Sheriff IS the law but doesn’t act like it. His son, Phil, who comes in to give Dad his new “healthy” lunch, confers more with Tang more about his Mom’s death – he seems to try harder, with Tang, to figure it out.
INT. LOCAL BAR – NIGHT
A Guy Tang’s age mentions the “HOODED GUYS” as a joke but Tang wants to know more.
But Guy gets nervous, makes an excuse and leaves OR makes a mean-spirited Trans joke out of the blue. (Later turns out to be one of the Hooded Guys- Maybe Bubba again?)
Tang finds suspicious cover-ups to her mom’s death, including the death of the Town MAYOR just a month before.
EXT. CEMETERY – DAY
After Mom’s funeral, cremated of course – a car with no plates – almost runs Tang over.
Old school classmates of Tangs stalk him; taunt Tang as the girl he was before he left.
Reveal that Tang thinks BUBBA maybe a Hooded Guy:
INT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE – DAY
Tang refuses to be intimidated when asking for all medical and crime reports on his Mom.
EXT. FARM LAND – DAY
At the site of Mom’s death – Tang doesn’t find much but takes blood samples from the wide splatter pattern, and then notices footprints and works them back near the Sheriff’s farm. Could the Sheriff be involved?
He keeps blood samples to send to the FBI
[***NEED TO FIND A PLACE in the script to put that the FBI report comes back: “it’s Pig’s blood.”]
Tang gets a hang for this as she finds the Mayor was killed in a very different way but suspiciously and calls the FBI to get someone over for these multiple murders – and hopefully, to see she is ready to join.
A Different FBI Person gets the call and thinks he’s a quack caller.
INT. CORONER’S OFFICE – DAY
Tang talks to the Coroner about the Mayor’s death and this time, oddly, the Coroner freely answers all his questions!
Coroner hands him a bag from storage which has lots of black clothing fibers. A definite clue which could lead to the hoods of the mysterious HOODED GUYS.
Coroner says they were found mostly in the Mayor’s hair.
Which makes Tang think the Mayor could’ve been one of the HOODED BAD GUYS.
EXT. TANG FAMILY FARM YARD – DAY
A B-B-Q for rememberence of Mom.
Tang brings up the Hooded Bad Guys up in conversation – Farm owners nervously call it an old urban legend.
Tang wonders: “If it’s an old legend why did he never hear it growing up there as “Tina?”
Farmers are certainly nervous while they tell the story, contradict each other and seem to make shit up on the spot.
The girl Tang had a crush on – when Tang was female – is infatuated right back and they become a couple. [Turns out she is a deputy and works for the Sheriff.
MONTAGE –
The more Tang digs and the Sheriff threatens to put him in jail – 25 years Sheriff – he won’t comment further against the word of a 22 yr old Trans.
***[Places throughout Tang tells Phil about her investigation and he shows Trust and Distrust at different times – such as saying that the Mayor’s death isn’t a murder!]
INT. TANG’S FARM –
Tang asks Dad to use Mom’s car and his almost refusal makes Tang suspicious.
EXT. FARM ROADS/TOWN ROADS
Tang drives her Mom’s old car and is chased. Both cars get stuck in a sand bar or corn field and they both run and the chase continues on the farm’s 4 wheelers which are dumped in downtown residential blocks of houses.
Tang hasn’t seen what they look like – other then dressed all in black with black hoods – but the chase continues.
EXT. RESIDENTIAL BACKYARDS
Tang is chased by unseen individuals (maybe Hooded Guys) and they now chase on foot – through backyards; Tang is grabbed by an owner of one house and held by his collar like a teenager caught stealing something!
The person chasing Tang leaves, foiled again. Tang calls his Girlfriend and tells her that the Hooded Person must be local – knows the area and rides 4 wheelers very well.
INT. TANG’S FARM – NIGHT
Tang has several friends over when – on her computer – an
Unknown person threatens to post photo’s of Tang’s top surgery.
Tang is upset and Phil, Girlfriend and another friend of theirs get Tang to talk about being Trans. Phil makes a joke about it – which hits Tang hard, seemingly very unlike who Phil is.
Tang takes the hurt to psychoanalyze Phil as she explains what she studied in college to be in the FBI to identify criminally minded people.
Tang, as a joke, says Phil has maniacal tendencies and no empathy for the suffering of others – but Phil gets angry and leaves saying they are no longer friends!
All Tang’s friends leave and Dad finally gives in and talks about Mom’s mouth getting her into trouble. Tang questions his use of present tense when he talks about Mom but he makes an excuse that he is still grieving and in shock.
INT. CITY OFFICES – DAY
Tang finds out that their own farm was sold but Dad knows about it. Tang’s Dad finally admits the Hooded Guys threatened him to sign his land away but he refused – he had no idea that Mom went through with it.
Now that Tang knows the Hooded Guys want land – she wonders as to what plan they must have – their end game.
EXT/INT. BIG CITY – RECORDS OFFICE – DAY
Tang’s Girlfriend offers to go to the city a few hours away by car with him to see who owns their farms. On the way they have sex in the car and find a hidden camera! Who is tracking Tang??
Then Farms deeds are found to be bought up by shell companies. Names are obscure Japanese Animie character names – that’s odd.
INT./EXT. ????
Someone says that they saw the Mayor get into an argument with someone in the shadows by the Sheriff’s barn the day before he was found dead.
INT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE – DAY
The Sheriff says the Mayor wasn’t murdered but the buried condoner’s report is quite different from the official statement.
Tang finds it seems connected to Mom’s death (farm machine?? Components found like black threads?)
Tang is confused by what the Sheriff says and Tang’s Girlfriend says that the Mayor had no enemies except the Sheriff who ran against him more than once.
INT./EXT. ????
Tang finds that Items from the same website which sells HOODS w Vocal Disguisers on them were sent to the Sheriff’s address. He confronts the Sheriff who tells Tang to go back to their college town and don’t open this can of worms.
INT. VARIOUS FARMERS HOMES – DAY
Tang hears where and when the townsfolk have had encounters with the Hooded Guys and has an answer as to why they must be locals. 1. Had to have keys to the thrasher – had to have a place to torture the Mayor or ? (Maybe Mayor died of a heart attack – which coroner report says – but because he was beaten up on so bad! Perhaps Tang gets photos of his beaten face)
EXT./INT. SHERIFF’S BARN – NIGHT
Tang and Girlfriend sneak into the Sheriff’s barn and find Hoods with mouth pieces.
Tang and Girlfriend are abducted – black hoods are slammed over their heads. Their hands tied up quick!
INT. TRUCK – FARM ROADS – NIGHT
Tang and Girlfriend are hooded to be taken somewhere else but Tang feels the truck stop and he tries to open the door and escape and a fight breaks out and both of them jump out an open door.
Their hand ties are easy to break off.
Rolling on the ground they both take their Hoods off to see the Truck far in the distance – can’t see any plate numbers – when it pulls over and a rife is aimed toward them.
Girlfriend shields Tang and gets hit in the shoulder by a bullet.
Tang girlfriend is almost killed by a bullet meant for him.
INT. HOSPITAL – ROOM – DAY
As Girlfriend will recover, Tang walks by BUBBA:
REVEAL BUBBA is one of the Hooded Guys: Fits the profile and black threads on his shirt that he wears for days on end.
INT. SHERFF’S ROOM – DAY
Tang demands a line-up for ONE WITNESS who one Hooded Guy threatened:
ONE WITNESS identifies BUBBA as the voice who threatened her. Soon after she says that the leader Hooded Guy had a mis-step to him, they can tell because they breed horses and you gotta watch for that or they aren’t worth as much but for studding.” (Phil has no toes on right foot from a farm accident)
Phil had been acting like Tangs best friend all this time!
INT. SHERIFF’S BARN –
Phil traps Tang in his barn basement; Tang points out the “hitch” in his step – Phil shows her that his toes were cut off by this fucking being a farmer BS!!
Person said Hooded Leader had a “hitch” in his step.
Phil gets out his Hood with he voice-disguising mouth-ware to show Tang.
Turns out it has been Tang’s best old friend from growing up who is the killer and they fight. Phil escapes.
EXT. SHERIFF’S BARN – FIELDS – SAME TIME
Phil runs off – only to be chased down by his own father, the Sheriff, and arrested.
Turns out the Sheriff was protecting his son, Phil. And as he looks at his son in cuffs about to cry he sets him free and yells for him to run!!
It is Tang alone who has to chase him down on foot – in the very field where his own Mom was killed and duke it out with Tang the victor.
BUT when it looks like it’s done PERHAPS Phil throws dirt in Tang’s eyes and a THRASHER machine stops Phil from getting away – turns out to be Tang’s Dad, who also saved his Wife’s life (Tang’s Mom) in the opening scene.
Phil confesses: Killed the Mayor in Phil’s Garage cuz he found out our plan to steal the deeds, use out own notary for the documents and connections to sell to the Billionaire but they didn’t kill Tang’s Mom but meant to cuz she snooped around . We knocked her out in the field and someone else drove that thrasher over her!
Phil and the Sheriff are taken in by the Deputy.
INT. DAD’S TRUCK – DAWN
Dad drives Tang outside of town to some strange house.
EXT. STRANGE HOUSE – MORNING
Tang reunites with his Mom! She’s been alive all this time!
Dad and Mom explain that they, the Sheriff and the Coroner made up the story that she died because she knew you could find out who the Hooded Guys were and save their farms and that this was the only way you’d ever come back home again.
INT. SCHOOL GYM – DAY
Tang also gets all the farm folks their deeds back and is shown gratitude by those who hated and were scared that Tang is a Trans Male.
INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
Tang visits his Girlfriend, recovering in the hospital and Perhaps a phone call from the FBI – “when can you start?”
TWIST: He smiles at his Girlfriend which makes us think he may turn down the job offer to stay with her.
Girlfriend demands he go and fulfill his dreams – besides now she has the idea that getting out of town to go to college might be a good thing also.
TWIST: Tang suggests that this farm town ain’t so bad and that they hang out here for the summer and think about all their options.
THE END
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Sure thing Ola — just sent it email.
Cheers,
James
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Michael Williamsen Thriller Map version 2 WIL: A special thanks to KImberly Jurgen for her feedback. There is NOTHING better than having a skilled set of eyes review anything I write. Kimberly really whittled down the roots of the story. Several scenes in the previous MAP were simply insignificant for the THRILLER MAP.
“Zip Tie Strangler” or simply “ZiP!” ?
VILLAIN’S PLAN. Narcissist Attorney Bob will do anything to build and protect to become the biggest human and sex trafficking organization. He gaslights Victoria into trusting him.
HERO Rookie reporter Victoria, ex-wife to Sheriff Mike, dating the Villain Bob. Must maintain “everyone’s sweetheart” image while manipulating them all to save her daughter and the kidnapped children
RED HERRING Victoria’s ex-husband Sheriff Mike, alcoholic, dying of prostate cancer, in re-election for sheriff, will stop at nothing to save his daughter.
LOGLINE: A rookie crime reporter hot on the trail of a kidnapping ring, must outwit local gangsters, her alcoholic ex-husband Sheriff, and her narcissist billionaire boyfriend to bring her daughter safely home.
OPENING
1. EXT. BAR NIGHT
A thug is killed in an alley with a knife and ziptie around his neck. ZiP!
2. EXT. CRIME SCENE DAY
Sheriff Mike is the kidnapping investigator, also investigating a murder. Victoria is a reporter at the crime scene of the man killed with the Ziptie. Victoria shows hostility towards Mike, affection and showing affection to her new billionaire boyfriend Bob.
3. EXT. BORDER CROSSING CAGES – DAY
Thugs take children from border-crossing cages and deliver to various sites.
4. INT. VICTORIA’S HOUSE DAY
Victoria is in Mike’s and her big family home talking on the phone about the mortgage. She is cleaning a large windowless basement area sealed by a vault door. It is filled with guns, other weapons, bullet loading machines. She suggests selling items to pay mortgage. Mike says NO.
INCITING INCIDENT
5. INT. MIKES OFFICE DAY
Sheriff Mike and Victoria’s daughter has disappeared. Victoria accuses Sheriff Mike of taking her. She calls her boyfriend Bob who supports her to blame at sheriff Mike.
6. INT. BAR NIGHT
Mayor, Sheriff Mike ‘s close friend and confident, is blackmailed to join kidnapper kingpin Bob and acknowledges that Sheriff Mike will be a problem they need to deal with.
End of ACT I – we know what the story is about
ACT II
7. INT. MIKES CAR DAY
Sheriff Mike finds out he has terminal Prostate Cancer making him desperate to find his daughter.
TURNING POINT one – ACT II
serial killings and kidnappings escalate.
Clues connecting Sheriff Mike, ex-wife Victoria, Mike’s driver Dave, and Villain Bob’s driver Joe.
Victoria steals evidence from Bob that Bob is the kidnapper kingpin.
8. MIDPOINT (middle of Act II) lines of loyalty are drawn
9. INT. RESTAURANT – EVENING
10. Victoria gives Sheriff Mike evidence Bob the Villain is the kidnapping ringleader. She realizes Mike did not take Lucy. Who did? Victoria asks Mike for forgiveness and shows him affection.
11. INT. MAYORS OFFICE MORNING
Sheriff Mike gives evidence to Mayor whom Mike still believes is a trusted friend. Mayor has already sided with the kidnappers.
12. INT: BOB’S CAR DAY (on phone)
Bob is parked outside a warehouse unloading children into a warehouse. Bob tells her he knows she took the file, in fact he set it up for her to take as it reveals evidence that he couldn’t give up due to client confidentiality. (gaslighting) She believes him.
Bob tells Victoria that, thanks to his file getting into the proper hands, there will be a big bust on the kidnapping ring.
Bob says he has a lead on the whereabouts of Lucy.
13. INT. MIKES BEDROOM NIGHT Sheriff Mike’s good friend Police Chief is murdered by a drive-by shooting.
14. EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT – DAY
School buses of children are kidnapped during Police Chief’s funeral.
15. TURNING POINT TWO -ACT II – all hope lost for the hero and red-herring
16. INT. MIKES APARTMENT – MORNING
Victoria is in bed with Mike. Mike is arrested and charged with being the kidnapper and the serial killer. Victoria escapes even before Mike tells her about the escape door.
Villain Bob’s driver Joe helps Mike escape into the Mexican Ghetto – with a tracker.
CLIMAX
17. EXT. VARIOUS WAREHOUSES – MORNING
18. The Mexican Ghetto gangsters are empowered powered by truckloads of weapons and show their strength by rescuing their children and killing all the kidnappers with weapons they got from Victoria’s basement vault.
19. INT. COFFEE SHOP – MORNING
The tracking device leads Villain Bob to Mike at a coffee shop.
Mike and Villain meet face to face in the coffee shop. Both stating their intentions to kill each other. Victoria is secretly hearing on Mike’s speaker phone. Bob reveals he has Mike and Victoria’s daughter.
Villain Bob shoots Mike.
Villain Bob encounters Mexican Gangsters with switch blades in the back alley.
(at this point, we really don’t know who the ZiPtie strangler is. I could pin it on the Mexican Gangsters by them using ZiPties on the kidnapping thugs but am preferring to leave it open for after movie conversations and cocktails .)
20. RESOLUTION
21. EXT. BEACH IN EXOTIC COUNTRY – MORNING
22. Victoria and daughter meet on the beach in Mexico. They pour Mike’s ashes into the ocean.
She pulls off the Ziptie which was used to fix her purse. ZiP!
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Michael Williamsen.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Michael Williamsen.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by
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Jeff Guenther’s Thriller Map Version ***CRITIQUE COMPLETE*** PLEASE SEE VERSION 2 (COMING SOON)
Title: The Paranormal Patient
Logline: What can a young nurse do when paranormal activities surround her new patient?Reel 1. Setup: Allie’s status quo, ending with the inciting event.
EXT – ST. ROCHUS HOSPITAL – DAY.
Allie, 28, strides carefully along a rainy street, talking to boyfriend on phone. She asks about their premature (premature relative to their wedding) one-year old daughter is. He tells her he still hasn’t found work and his unemployment has run out. She reports on her last interview, a position at BurgerPalooza for $12 an hour. She intends to take it, but has heard about another opening that is not great, but is within walking distance, probably pays a lot better: St. Rochus. She stresses that they are desperate, she’s burnt her bridges at her old hospital and they are out of money.
She stops in front of a building that would be imposing if it were not decrepit: “St. Rochus Hospital,” built, according to the brass plate, in 1890. A tacky sign informs us they are still “now hiring.” A <font color=”#000000″>cabbie at the curb suggests she put on track shoes and run away as fast as she can. </font>
INT – CEO FEENEY’S OFFICE – DAY.
CEO passes an application form across his desk to Allie and, puzzled, asks why she wants to work there. He calls her attention to the morals clause in their contract, but then informs her they never check to see who their employees live with. He offers her a job, subject to a check of her resume. She accepts, and he introduces her to her boss, the Director of Nursing, Sr. Polygrippa, who is revealed (jump scare?) as a humorless, daunting woman of 6′-6″.
INT – VARIOUS WARDS & FLOORS – DAY.
Sr. Polygrippa shows Allie around the hospital.We observe that many patients are indigents. Allie mistakes a heavily-bandaged woman in a wheelchair for a patient. The woman is an on-duty nurse, recenly beat up by an indigent. Laundry carts are moved around, parts of the building have been sealed off, <font color=”#000000″>elevators are marked “out of order.”</font> Their elevator is very slow, jiggles and jerks as they rise to another floor. The nun stresses their “charitable work,” which State law says they can’t refuse. Allie gives a surreptitious full-body eye-roll.
INT – GROUND FLOOR OFFICES – DAY
The following day, Allie is assigned to the non-paying wards. After several run-ins with the patients, Allie is told to go to Admissions and process a cute and bubbly young patient named Clara Menzies, 11, who is admitted for scheduled minor surgery. As Allie wheels her out of the Admissions office, a fire breaks out right next to them in another office. The fire alarm goes off. Pandemonium. Allie conducts Clara and her mother into a safe area outside the building.
Reel 2. Predicament ‘lock in’ to the conflict (end of Act 1).
INT – GROUND FLOOR – DAY
Part of the building is sealed off for smoke remediation. The hospital is not evacuated, she is told, because the fire was confined to a small area, well away from the patient areas.
The girl’s father, Mr. Menzies, arrives and thanks Allie for taking care of Clara. Both parents seem very concerned about their daughter. Mr. Menzies is especially worried about the fire, but Allie and the nun reassure him. Sr. Polygrippa immediately takes Allie off the Indigent ward and assignes her to paying patient rooms, including Clara’s room.
INT – FOURTH FLOOR – DAY
The next day, a toilet overflows in another room, damaging the room below it. A small fire breaks out in the waste basket in a vacant room, Room 433. A woman in Room 429 claims she saw someone enter her room at midnight. No one else saw anything. Polygrippa orders the dour, creepy Custodian to investigate the room, but he finds nothing.
INT – FOURTH FLOOR, ROOM 444 – DAY
Afterward, he tells Allie this wing, the oldest in the hospital, was rumored to be haunted at one time. He shows her Room 444 tells her it’s been locked for 20 years. He says even he has no key for that room and many other places in the hospital. Allie tries the door and it opens.
INT – FOURTH FLOOR NURSES’ STATION – DAY
The woman in Room 429 demands to be discharged and moved to another hospital. Polygrippa orders all the <font color=”#000000″>staff to maintain secrecy</font>. Clara’s mother hears about the “ghost” somehow and complains to Sr. Polygrippa, demands her daughter be moved to a different floor. Allie also fears for the young patient and <font color=”#000000″>promises mother she’ll protect the girl.</font> That wing is sealed off as haunted and the patients moved.
INT – THIRD FLOOR NURSES STATION – DAY
Allie only has a few patients and looks in on Clara often in Room 333. Clara is cute and responsive, and friendly to Allie. Meanwhile, a few other patients leave prematurely. Allie overhears Polygrippa tell Nurse Benson that the hospital’s ratio of paying to non-paying patients is dropping.
INT – ROOM 333 – DAY
Clara’s mother visits her and tells her ghost stories, upsetting her and Allie. Mr. Menzies patiently tries to get his wife to stop telling stories to his step-daughter, with no success.
INT – ROOM 333 – NIGHT
Later that night, <font color=”#000000″>Clara has a nightmare</font>. When Allie goes in to quiet her, she sees the covers snatched off the girl, who wakes and screams. Allie grabs the girl and runs into the corridor. The creepy Custodian appears suddenly, scaring them. They find nothing that could have moved the covers. They move Clara to Room 330.
Reel 3. First attempt to deal with problem. Easy option fails, stakes rise.
INT – CEO FEENEY’S OFFICE – DAY
The next day, the CEO calls Allie into his office. Sr. Polygrippa is there. <font color=”#000000″>Someone has reported Allie</font> for cohabiting with a man she’s not married to and for having a child out of wedlock. She’s threatened with being fired for immorality, but it’s an empty threat, given the hospital’s situation. It looks like her position is secure . . . for now. As punishment, she’s told to look up old records in the basement.
INT – HOSPITAL BASEMENT – DAY
The spooky Custodian, Mr. Ralph “Red” Harrington, a denizen of the old basement, knows the hospital better than anyone else. He has a slide rule and all the building plans on his workshop walls. He admits to Allie that the rumors were true: The hospital was haunted 40 years ago, and certain sections were sealed off, then, along with several elevators. He tells spooky stories, worse than Mrs. Menzies, scaring Allie.
INT – ROOM 333 – DAY
Clara asks Allie why her step-father hasn’t come to visit her. Allie tries to contact him, but the phone has been disconnected. No one has seen him since he visited Clara in 333.
INT – VARIOUS LOCATIONS – DAY
Allie tells Polygrippa, who orders a search of the building. Some of the father’s personal property is found in a room. <font color=”#000000″>A doorman says he thinks he saw Mr. Menzies leave the hospital.</font> More phenomena occur on the Old Wing. Staff start to quit because of the strange happenings. Polygrippa promises them more money to work there. Sr. Polygrippa sprinkles holy water in all the rooms, and the phenomena stop.
Reel 4. More grandiose, extreme plan goes horribly wrong (ends with the mid-point)
INT – 3RD FLOOR LOCATIONS – DAY
The next day, the phenomena start all over again, only worse. The “solution” didn’t work. Sr. Polygrippa’s team tries burning sage, incense, candles, etc.
INT – 3RD FLOOR NURSES STATION – DAY
A dream-state hallucination shows us Allie has a phobia of surgical instruments due to an incident at her previous hospital. Polygrippa comes and tells Allie she is going to do Clara’s anesthetic for her operation. Allie tries to talk her out of it, but Polygrippa insists she can do it, unless she lied on her resume. She also says Allie should be there to protect Clara during and after the operation. Allie agrees to serve in the O.R.
INT – OPERATING ROOM – DAY
The operation is smoothly underway when<font color=”#000000″> more phenomena start</font>. Allie, already nervous starts to shake during the procedure when she sees one of the instruments levitate. Allie screams and runs out and is accosted by Sr. Polygrippa. Allie has to admit she has developed a phobia of surgical instruments, but is ordered to return to her post or resign. Two surgical lamps blow out. There are no spares in the OR storage cabinets. They get by with headlamps and the operation is finished successfully. Strange noises are heard several floors up, in sealed off areas. They move Clara back to her room.
INT – SR. POLYGRIPPA’S OFFICE – DAY
Sr. Polygrippa places a phone call to an elderly exorcist, Fr. Wilbur Dean, and requests his assistance.
INT – ROOM 330 – NIGHT
Allie stays with Clara that night. Clara thanks her when she wakes. Allie goes to get her mother in the next room.
INT – 3RD FLOOR AREA – DAY
Allie discovers Mrs. Menzies dead in Room 330, next door. The Police are called and question everybody. Coroner takes away the body of Mrs. Menzies.
INT – POLYGRIPPA’S OFFICE – DAY
The exorcist arrives and scares Allie with stories of possession. He asks a few questions, including Clara’s age and when the phenomena started. He eventually gets them to tell him about the fire as they admitted Clara. He leaves to prepare himself for the exorcism. Polygrippa tells Allie she’s found evidence of missing supply purchases, mentions that their insurance costs are up because of the high turnover of nurses. She also mentions that restaffing has begun.
The local newspaper is delivered. It contains news of Mrs. Menzies’ death and a story that an exorcist has been called in to St. Rochus’s. Details include information that must have been leaked by someone at the last staff meeting. Sr. Polygrippa is furious and anticipates patients and staff leaving, and fewer donations, because of the newspaper articles.
INT – HOSPITAL BASEMENT – DAY
Custodian shows Allie on a building plan where the phenomena have taken place, all but one near Clara’s room, up or down one floor. He recommends moving Clara to the end of an old abandoned wing, Room 599.
INT – 5TH FLOOR – DAY
The exorcist ID’s Clara as the source of the poltergeist phenomena. He gets his gear together in Room 597, near Clara’s room. He wonders why Menzies didn’t tell the hospital Clara was a poltergeist. He sends Allie away while he readies his incense, candles, bell, Bible, rehearses his readings, prays, etc. The exorcist doesn’t come out of the room. They hear funny whistling noises then silence. Custodian is called and opens the door with his key. The exorcist is dead on the floor, his face against the door, with no signs of foul play. The police come and the coroner takes the body away.
Reel 6. New plan, Allie embraces change. All goes wrong, and new revelation. (end of Act 2)
INT – SR. POLYGRIPPA’S OFFICE – NIGHT
Allie gets mad, decides to face her fears, even if she loses her job. She meets with Sr. Polygrippa and insists on some action other than holy water. Polygrippa promises she’ll investigate the strange noises in the building. Polygrippa calls CEO Feeney and asks for money for an engineering study of the building. <font color=”#000000″>Feeney says there’s no money, and </font><font color=”#000000″>the noises are part of structural repairs in the oldest areas of the building that are taking all the cash.</font> Jacob Zudirk, Director of Facilities, has kept the repairs secret to avoid having the building condemned. Feeney tells the nun the hospital is almost bankrupt.
INT – VARIOUS LOCATIONS – NIGHT
During a storm, Allie begins to investigate the rooms in the old wing. She <font color=”#000000″>finds capped pipes in the headwall that don’t seem to do anything. </font>Another nurse, Betty Benson, thinks they were originally for air or vacuum lines that were replaced when the new wing was added.
Allie and Betty Benson investigate the basement, where parts of building are sealed off. Allie finds voodoo doll in her locker. She shows it to Polygrippa and gets bawled out, ordered to stop snooping, let a consultant do the investigation. She returns to the basement and <font color=”#000000″>finds the Custodian dead, apparently electrocuted</font> by a lightning strike.
Reel 7. Change, rejoins the battle. Goal reached, but . . .Final twist, Villain turns the tables.
INT – MORGUE – NIGHT
Custodian is put in the old hospital morgue cold storage until police can arrive after the storm. Allie fears that something demonic killed the Custodian. Polygrippa says she’ll donates her own funds to order vital supplies and pay for the investigation. She arranges to meet Allie later.
INT – SR. POLYGRIPPA’S OFFICE – NIGHT
Polygrippa doesn’t show up. No one saw her leave the building. Allie searches for her and finds her personal effects left behind.
INT – VARIOUS LOCATIONS – NIGHT
Allie and others search the hospital, looking for the nun. Allie thinks she is being stalked. A co-worker reports Allie’s illegit daughter. Allie is told she’s going to be discharged as soon as Polygrippa is located.
Thinking she’s observed, Allie hides in the cold storage room and finds Polygrippa there, dead of a stab wound. Polygrippa has crucial records concealed in her Bank of Ireland: old employee records and recent expenditures. One document shows the paying patients to indigents ratio is dropping. She also found that EMTs are being bribed to bring more indigents.
The papers incriminate Zudirk, the Facilities Manager. Allie gets evidence together and starts to leave cold storage. She sees Custodian’s body, covered by a sheet. She whips back the sheet and finds it’s been replaced by an anatomical skeleton. Allie tries the door to go meet with the auditors; she can’t get out.
Allie uncovers a speaking tube in the cold storage room, and calls for help. The assistant Custodian hears her in the basement, comes and lets her out.
Reel 8. Finally defeats antagonist. Wrap up, epilogue, the New World
INT – SEALED OFF WING – DAY
Early in the morning, Allie brings Benson back to the cold room to show them the skeleton. She jerks the sheet away, again, revealing the Custodian’s body, now missing its kidneys, etc. Benson goes to tell the CEO what they found.
As Allie passes the sealed off wing, she sees a laundry cart left there. She finds a concealed entrance and explores the spooky sealed off wing, where there is an organ harvesting operating room, with a few organs in picnic coolers or dewars. A clipboard on the surgery wall lists Allie as donor #5.
Menzies arrives, chases, tries to kill her, admitting he and the Facilities Manager are trying to bankrupt the hospital so he can buy up the stock and take it over. Allie runs to the top floor. Clara appears, grinning fiendishly, apparently possessed. Menzies reminds Clara he’s her father and orders her to kill Allie. Clara approaches Allie, arms outstretched, but turns and uses her poltergeist powers to shove Menzies down the stairs, instead:
Clara embraces Allie. The police finally arrive and Allie tells them Menzies stumbled and fell. Then the nurse wonders if Clara might decide to kill her?
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Jeff Guenther. Reason: NEW REV IN PROGRESS
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Hi Jeff – Please see my comments below 🙂
Title: The Paranormal Patient
Writer: Jeff Guenther
Overall remarks: Great intensity and play of MIS throughout the piece and characters, ominous setting, mysterious characters, heightened sense of drama.
General Comments
Reel 1:
Nice sense of foreboding when Allie interviews for the job. Love the setting.
Would a CEO of the hospital be interviewing a low level hire?
Nice build-up to the introduction of Clara.
Reel 2:
This place is so creepy and haunted – why is Allie opting to stay here? Maybe more of a look at her personal situation would help so we understand why she has to stay. What is she coming home to every night?
What other ways can you allude to paranormal occurrences besides fires? Perhaps, less is more – that way you have something to build on.
Reel 3:
Who did Allie tell about her personal situation? Build of intrigue is good.
Nice mystery as to what happened to the step-father. Where is his wife in all this?
Reel 4:
Fun paranormal surgery. Great scene to develop.
If Clara is a poltergeist – how realistic is surgery?
Would Allie do the anesthetic for Clara’s operation?
What is surgery for?
Reel 5:
Nice revelation from the Custodian that all paranormal activity happens close to Clara. Suspense! Also liked the character intrigue about Clara from exorcist.
Introduction of police – perhaps continue this investigation? This could add more intrigue.
Reel 6:
Why is Allie mad? What is driving Allie at this point?
Polygrippa is an interesting character – with lots of well-developed intrigue and mystery. It might be a nice reversal if she faked her death, suspecting this organ donor operation, and came back at the end with police.
Is Villain covering his tracks? Allie seems to easily find the bodies.
Reel 7:
Interesting twist at the end with the organ donor program. Definitely wasn’t expecting that!
Would they harvest the Custodian’s organs after he has been dead for a day?
Is Clara possessed or a poltergeist?
Resolution for Allie?
Main Takeaway: I enjoyed the paranormal twists and turns but I wanted more insight into Allie. I think your build up of MIS will have more impact if we relate to them through Allie’s reactions/choices and their consequences.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Does this class have a formal END date? I’m behind in other Days activities (and see many others are), and rather than posting in those, I hope to post something here by the weekend. Does that work?
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I think it’s early days, yet. Only 6 people had posted their MAPs when I uploaded mine.
Maybe check with Cheryl, using the website SUPPORT link or this link:
<font color=”#000080″><font color=”#2c94ec”><font face=”Century Schoolbook L, serif”><font size=”2″>https://screenwritingu.zendesk.com/hc/en-us/requests/new</font></font></font></font>
Other Jeff
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Would love it! Not sure when this class runs out but what is your email just in case? My email is m4chetti@gmail.com. I’ll get you some feedback in the next day or so 🙂
Thanks!
Melanie
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Hi Melanie! Would you like to exchange feedback with me? Here is my email if you want to send your latest version in word: hoglund.ola@telia.com
All the best from Ola Höglund
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Ola Höglund’s Thriller Map Version 1
What I learned is that this story is too long for a feature. It will end up as a 145 pages screenplay. Therefore, it has to be a mini-series in 3 episodes. I know where I could put the two cliffhangers. Reading the assignment, I realized now the outline should be 3-4 pages. That will take me a lot of time to shorten it that much. Hopefully someone is prepared to exchange feedback with me anyway until next version? (If you want, please feel free to correct my English and suggest better or more clear words.)
Title: “MANDALA”
Logline: A psychiatry researcher and a detective suspect each other of being “the element killer”, with both claiming to be subject to a setup, while trying to save their marriages in this university town of the desert where all the money and psychopaths of power gather.
1. INT – UNIVERSITY LIBRARY – EVENING
Two men in their fifties, psychiatrist researcher NOEL BOROWIAK and detective CLAY ROSTAGNO, discover each other between the bookshelves, but Borowiak notices that Rostagno tries to avoid him. They observe each other like two spies in the deserted dome building, with only a couple of students and a face deformed librarian around, putting back books.
Rostagno is on his way out when Borowiak surprises him on the other side of the bookshelf. “Why do you avoid me?” Rostagno wonders what Borowiak is doing here in this university town. Borowiak says a headhunter recruited his wife as the chief librarian here. But why has Rostagno moved from his beloved New York to this desert town when he hates wind? Rostagno answers vaguely that he is divorced, and he moved here “because of what you and I talked about in our meeting in New York…”
Rostagno investigates stolen books. It turns out it’s the same books that Borowiak borrowed when he wrote his controversial articles about a changed America, about a society gone psychopathic, and how the digital world affects our brains with no freedom left when your cell phone is your closest friend and biggest enemy. Why are the books stolen? Were the articles too sensitive for the psychopaths in power in this kind of “Silicon Valley moved to Palm Springs-town”?
Borowiak plans to write a book about “the difference between psychopaths and psychopaths – if they can change their behavior”. Borowiak tells pensive Rostagno about the brain scans that can discover whether you have the brain of a psychopath or not. They mention that Borowiak interviewed Americas worst serial killer and Rostagno interrogated him.
The dumb librarian points out that the library is closing now. The truth seeker Borowiak and the more prestigious Rostagno, who only met each other twice in New York, concludes that it’s an extremely strange coincidence that they both have ended up in this town at the same time…
2. EXT – DESERT/INT – POLICE CAR – MORNING
11 months later. Rostagno and wannabe partner DWIGHT listens to Chief of Police PIPER’s directive. Be careful. The ranch belongs to the town’s most influential businessman, MORENO.
3. EXT/INT – RANCH – MORNING
Rostagno investigates the explosion with Moreno’s body blown up in pieces. Moreno owns companies within oil, security and aviation, starting out as a dynamite company. Accident or suicide?
4. INT – BEDROOM – MORNING
Candles in the dark. Colored grains of sand from the pointed mouth of the pipe are carefully distributed in an artistic circular pattern. It’s Borowiak who tries to make a Buddhist mandala. But his wife, CARMEL, pulls up the blinds with a bang. Daylight dazzles. Carmel informs that a carpenter will examine the kitchen ceiling’s moisture damage and Borowiak’s literary agent is downstairs. Borowiak doesn’t want to have anything to do with neither his agent nor a carpenter.
The agent enters the bedroom full of empty ice cream packages. He asks why Borowiak is depressed according to Carmel who says he only leaves his room to get more ice cream. Borowiak denies that he is depressed. What is Borowiak’s problem then? The agent cancels the book contract. The advance must be paid back, but Borowiak has used all the money and can’t pay it back.
5. INT – POLICE STATION – DAY
Dwight complains to Piper about Rostagno being a bad detective with a weird behavior. For example he didn’t do his job on the stolen books. Piper informs that it was her decision to not investigate the stolen books any further. Why? She doesn’t answer. Dwight has discovered that Rostagno was fired from the NYPD. Piper responds that Rostagno is the one who caught Americas worst serial killer in New York. The killer with the scary nickname no one wants to say? Yes. Dwight impressed.
6. EXT/INT – VILLA – DAY
Rostagno investigates a garage where a researcher in the environmental chemistry industry is found dead in her car due to a deadly gas. Looks like suicide. Two suicides the same week? Rostagno suspicious. What do the two victims have in common?
7. INT – BOROWIAK’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Borowiak walks down the stairs in his home during the worst skyfall, checking out the sound from the kitchen. Someone in his house? No, it’s just the carpenter’s provisional roof blowing away – or? Borowiak throws kitchen utensils into the pool that his flooded kitchen has turned into. He lays down in the “pool” as if he was a backstroker, being photographed by his son.
8. INT – POLICE STATION – DAY
Rostagno calls Borowiak, but he doesn’t answer.
Rostagno tries to get a date with Piper, but he doesn’t succeed.
9. INT – BOROWIAK’S HOUSE – DAY
Borowiak kidnaps the carpenter responsible for the roof leak until the roof is fixed.
10. INT – POLICE STATION – DAY
Rostagno interrogates Borowiak about the kidnapping. Borowiak pleads guilty while eating ice cream. Rostagno asks about the two suicides/murders since Borowiak helped him out with profiling in New York and Borowiak wrote about Moreno’s company in his controversial articles. But Borowiak doesn’t want to help him. Instead, he tells the classic story about the boat with five experienced sailors who just disappeared with the boat found intact in the perfect weather. What had happened? Rostagno can’t solve that riddle. Borowiak says “it is suicide to be careless”.
Rostagno asks Borowiak how reliable the brain scans are. Why does Rostagno ask all these questions about psychopaths? Rostagno ask more questions about Borowiak’s life. Finally, Borowiak wonders if he is a suspect in some other way. Rostagno tells him to get a lawyer.
Rostagno comments on Borowiak’s meticulous way of scraping the last ice cream out of the package. Borowiak doesn’t think Rostagno is meticulous. Rostagno asks “if that was what Borowiak wrote in his statement…” Mysterious Borowiak just leaves.
11. INT – BOROWIAK’S HOUSE – DAY
Borowiak and his wife Carmel argues about the photo of her and her father, the Greenpeace captain. It’s 30 years today since her father died. She has to stop thinking of how her father died on that boat.
12. INT – UNIVERSITY LOUNGE – NIGHT
Big party. Carmel with a new hairstyle is introduced to Piper who is also invited unexpectedly. Carmel asks why Piper moved from New York to the desert to become chief of police. They state that money and power people from all over America finds its way to this booming research and startups town with a university being run almost like the mafia with almost no crimes committed. Carmel believes everyone working there is somehow monitored. She has had her computer checked for spyware by her librarian colleague. Carmel asks why the police didn’t follow up on the stolen books. She also asks about the town’s big daddy Moreno who got killed in the explosion. Piper marks that Carmel asks many questions. Carmel answers that she should have become a detective. Both ladies want to change the world: Carmel instinctively based on conscience, Piper logically based on reason.
The chief of research at the university, Mrs DIBLEY, talks to the newspaper publisher Mr SAND when the catering waiter ELTINGH creates a situation ending up with Eltingh being thrown out. Eltingh is a former employee at the university who got fired by Dibley.
13. EXT – DESERT/INT – CAR – NIGHT
Borowiak is stalked by Rostagno when driving through the wind turbines to a bar.
14. INT – BAR – NIGHT
Borowiak overhears some basketball players talking about how the New York Serial Killer (NYSK) escaped prison during his mother’s funeral, with the help of a small gun hidden in the dead mother’s vagina. Borowiak explains that the mother took her life facing a cancer verdict, leaving this special legacy that no one discovered. The basketball players don’t believe that Borowiak has met NYSK. They don’t want to talk anymore about NYSK since they are afraid of nightmares.
Borowiak starts humming like the Buddhist monks to take away the dark energy. He explains that a true mandala is a work of art, a masterpiece, that you don’t sign and the world will never see because you destroy it as soon as it is complete, just like you will never see what Picasso drew in the sand on the beach before the waves washed over it. The only thing that has changed, during the making of the masterpiece, is your inner self. No applause. A mandala is about making no mistakes. “Just like a serial killer works” one of the players adds, comparing it to basketball with no team or crowd.
15. INT – UNIVERSITY LOUNGE – NIGHT
The newspaper publisher Sand gets a call from an anonymous informer with a distorted voice to meet at the bar Borowiak visits.
16. INT/EXT – BAR – NIGHT
Rostagno watches Borowiak from the Pizza hut opposite the bar. Borowiak leaves.
17. EXT – VILLA – MORNING
Sand is found drowned in his swimming pool with things symbolizing money/power thrown into the pool, looking like the kitchen pool Borowiak dealt with. A third suicide? No, definitely three murders now. Dwight notices some green sand on the bottom of the pool. Rostagno tells Dwight to not ask the witness any questions. Rostagno is the one asking questions. No one else.
18. EXT – BOROWIAK’S HOUSE – MORNING
Borowiak almost crashes into Carmel with his car, not recognizing her with the new hairstyle. They both arrive home, both asking each other: Where have you been all night?
19. INT – POLICE STATION – DAY
Rostagno wants to call in the FBI. He wants to prove himself to the FBI as well. Piper wants them to solve the potential murders themselves, not involving FBI. Why? She gives in.
20. EXT – BOROWIAK’S HOUSE – DAY
Borowiak with plastic gloves oils the wooden shaft on his kitchen knife that he threw into his kitchen pool. When he walks away, we see the newspaper covering the table from oil. It headlines the three murders. A hand with a plastic glove takes Borowiak’s knife from the paper. Borowiak’s hand?
21. INT – UNIVERSITY LIBRARY – DAY
Carmel is warned by the dumb librarian that she could be questioned by Dibley for doing wrong. Psychopathic Dibley humiliates Carmel in front of all the staff. The librarian gives Carmel support.
22. INT – POLICE STATION – DAY
Two FBI AGENTS arrive, profiling the killer. A killer who doesn’t like violence, letting the victims kill themselves probably under gun threat. Explosion – fire, gas – air, drowning – water. Next murder has to do with soil? An “Element killer” that is some sort of a climate/societal terrorist with a message. Otherwise, the killer wouldn’t let them all commit suicide the same week.
Rostagno risks his reputation in front of FBI when he launches Borowiak as the prime suspect based on Borowiak’s articles, the stolen books, all Borowiak said during the kidnapping interrogation, and Sand’s pool looking like Borowiak’s kitchen pool, with Sand going to the same bar Borowiak went to, even though Sand came to the bar after Borowiak left.
FBI with their data comes up with another possible suspect fitting with the profiling: Eltingh – the waiter who was fired from the university two years ago.
23. EXT – ELTINGH’S HOUSE – DAY
Rostagno and FBI ends up in a shooting with Eltingh. Dwight is very close to shoot Rostagno.
24. EXT – TENNIS CLUB – DAY
Rostagno needs to talk to Dibley about Eltingh. He notices a peculiar forehand technique while watching Dibley play tennis with colleagues Carmel, the dumb librarian and one of the librarians who saw Dibley humiliate Carmel in the library. Where has he seen that special forehand before?
While waiting for Dibley to join the other players in the clubhouse, Dwight brings up the shooting at Eltinghs house. Rostagno says he shot a colleague in New York who died when they were chasing NYSK. He knows how easy it is to make the wrong decisions and reactions when you are really scared. Dwight asks if Rostagno is afraid of NYSK coming back. Rostagno says NYSK will never go back to the US. His face is as well known as any Hollywood celebrity.
25. INT – POLICE STATION – DAY
Rostagno is sure Eltingh is not the killer, but Piper wants him to to do his best in front of the FBI. Rostagno risks his reputation interrogating Eltingh in a tough manner, with Rostagno’s self-hate cracking out between the lines as if Rostagno himself could be a killer with revenge as his fuel in life.
Eltingh had the same job as Carmel now have. But strange things happened his last year as if someone, maybe Dibley, manipulated situations. Dibley abused Eltingh who believes he got fired because he researched how the university is financed etc. He is sick of all the unfairness. “If democracy doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to, then you have to follow your own moral code.” But Eltingh says he would never seek revenge. It would never give him back his dead wife and never make his son healthy. In revenge there is nothing to gain. Rostagno convinced Eltingh is no killer.
26. INT – UNIVERSITY LIBRARY – DAY
Dibley scares the shit out of Carmel outside her library office window when Carmel reads about the murders on her computer. Carmel instinctively clicks off the browser.
27. INT – BOROWIAK’S HOUSE – DAY
Carmel resents her job situation. But Borowiak doesn’t listen to his wife when he finds surveillance microphones in their damaged kitchen… He doesn’t say anything to Carmel about his findings. Who has installed the microphones? What does this mean?
28. EXT – FLOWER SHOP – DAY
Borowiak tells the flower shop to send flowers to his wife every birthday after he has died…
29. INT – BOROWIAK’S HOUSE – DAY
Inspired Borowiak babbles about the sunflower field he has seen today. Carmel doesn’t get his attention. She is surprised by the wall of roses Borowiak has created for her. But she is so sick of his egoism. Roses is not the solution. She wants a divorce.
30. EXT – AVIATION GRAVEYARD – NIGHT
Rostagno and Piper investigate a tip in the scary aviation graveyard in the desert, until she realizes that Rostagno has lured her into a date with dinner under the stars, served by a butler. They dance close to the edge risking falling down. Romance in the air.
31. EXT – BOROWIAK’S HOUSE/UNIVERSITY/DIBLEY’S HOUSE – DAY
Rostagno’s car follows Borowiak’s car – which follows Dibley’s car…
32. EXT – SUNFLOWER FIELD – DAY
Borowiak lures Rostagno in a soil pit he can’t get out of when Rostagno pursues Borowiak by foot. Rostagno fears for his life. Borowiak tells Rostagno the solution to the riddle about how the sailors disappeared according to the tall tale. Or were the sailors forced to jump into the water by someone else threatening them? Rostagno responds: Just like Sand was forced to jump into his pool with the sinking rucksack? Borowiak agrees: Interesting coincidence. He adds: The one of us who is careless/sloppy… loses. Borowiak rescues Rostagno out of the pit and disappears.
33. EXT/INT – AIRPORTS – DAY
Rostagno chases Borowiak to the airport, boarding the same flight – he thinks – but it’s the wrong flight. Borowiak NY, Rostagno LA.
34. INT – POLICE STATION – DAY
Rostagno tells Piper that Borowiak more or less admitted he is the killer when he used a soil pit and told the story about a boat where the crew disappeared. We have to find what ship Borowiak refers to.
35. INT – NEW YORK POLICE BUILDING – DAY
Borowiak steals a police badge in the police locker room in New York pretending to be a carpenter.
36. INT – NEW YORK CAFÉ – DAY
Borowiak googles Rostagno. A wedding picture shows that Piper is Rostagno’s ex-wife. But Borowiak is interested in who is the best man.
37. INT – PIPER’S HOUSE – DAY
Lunch date. Piper says that she wanted to date Rostagno earlier, but she thought it was better if Rostagno could solve the murders first, getting his confidence back. She wants Rostagno to become strong again, being able to be loved, and stop punishing himself for what happened in New York. She has tested him while evaluating her feelings, but now she believes in him. They kiss for the first time since they were married. Rostagno in heaven.
38. INT – NEW YORK POLICE BUILDING – DAY
Borowiak interviews Rostagno’s best friend while the computer shows him being wanted for police badge theft. Borowiak says that Rostagno is investigated in a triple murder case. He learns that a headhunter has called the friend asking questions about Rostagno some years ago when Rostagno applied for a police job that Rostagno said he never applied for. Rostagno’s biggest fear being a loser.
Why did Piper divorce him? According to Rostagno he didn’t become the star she wanted him to be. The only reason Rostagno became a cop was because of Piper. He was completely obsessed with her. Piper would never have married Rostagno if she knew that.
Why would Rostagno be considered a loser if he was the one who caught NYSK? Rostagno thought it wasn’t his merit. Their psychologist profiled NYSK and the colleague he shot found NYSK.
Why was Rostagno fired from NYPD? Borowiak says the police psychologist wrote a statement after Rostagno shot his colleague, saying that Rostagno should continue working as before. So there has to be another reason. Could Rostagno have shot his colleague deliberately? Because of corruption, competition or jealousy? Borowiak learns that Rostagno was back in New York just after they met in the university library. Why? Rostagno’s friend asks if Piper could be in danger?
39. INT – PIPER’S HOUSE – DAY
Piper, in bed with Rostagno, gets a call from Rostagno’s best friend telling her about Rostagno. With both of them naked, she brings her gun out. Is Rostagno a psychopathic killer? Rostagno defends himself with just declaring his love for her. He says that this is evidence against Borowiak if he tries to set Rostagno up looking like Rostagno is the killer. Piper wonders what really happened between Rostagno and Borowiak in New York?
40. INT – NEW YORK POLICE HEADQUARTERS – DAY
Borowiak finds Rostagno’s file at the Internal Affairs office. He is shocked when he looks at the brain scan with Rostagno’s name on it. He can also see that someone has looked at the file a week after they met in the library. Borowiak searches by his own name and finds another brain scan confirming his fear. The search also warns about Borowiak being wanted for triple murder. He escapes the police building with cops looking for him.
41. INT – BOROWIAK’S HOUSE – DAY
House search by FBI. Microphones found. Plus small bottles with colored sand. Four bottles missing?
42. EXT/INT – BRONX – DAY
Borowiak buys a gun from the threatening Bronx mafia. Teenagers teach him to shoot.
43. EXT – JFK – DAY
The FBI agents arrive in New York to investigate, now that Borowiak is in NY.
44. INT/EXT – MULTIPLE LOCATIONS – DAY
Borowiak calls his wife Carmel from NY knowing that FBI and Rostagno listens to their conversation.
Borowiak says that he has misplaced their brain scans. Rostagno was scanned because of the splits he might have gotten in his head during the shootings when they caught NYSK. At the same time Borowiak scanned his own brain in his research work. He saw that he had the brain of a psychopath. In shock he must have mixed their scans. Borowiak’s brain scan ended up in Rostagno’s file when Borowiak as the police psychologist investigated Rostagno’s psychological status after the shootings.
NYPD has then seen “Rostagno’s scan” and fired him without telling him about the scan since that would have been illegal as a reason to fire someone. But Rostagno went to New York after we met in the library. He got hold of his file, discovering the real reason for him being fired. Therefore, he accuses me of lying to him when I told him he was alright and could continue to work. Borowiak realizes he is responsible for Rostagno losing his career and marriage, giving Rostagno motive to set him up and kill psychopaths to get his career and wife back.
Rostagno has for eleven months wrongfully been thinking that he has the brain of a psychopath. How does that affect a human being? You play the role you are given. Borowiak knows how affected he himself has been knowing that he has the brain of a psychopath. It is quite difficult even for a psychopath if you’re looking for the truth, even though psychopaths don’t care. But not even a psychopath wants to be called a psychopath, or especially not psychopaths. Being a psychopath always ends in darkness, sooner or later, more or less, just like revenge. Borowiak fears he could be violent, even though he has never in his life hit anyone. The reason for Borowiak’s “depression” has been his fear of Carmel knowing she is married to a psychopath. Now that she has decided to divorce him, he can admit the truth. He begs her to take him back.
Carmel notes that the killer has bugged them and mapped their whole lives in setting up Borowiak. She is scared. She wishes Borowiak never kidnapped that carpenter. But Borowiak claims that the roof leak and finding the microphones might have been their salvation, since Rostagno couldn’t plan for that. Scared Borowiak tells her this could be the last time they talk.
45. INT – POLICE STATION – DAY
Rostagno defends himself by explaining that this is Borowiak’s plan to set him up. Rostagno is relieved he doesn’t have the brain of a psychopath, but he feels betrayed by Piper when he learns that she never told him that she knew about the brain scan. That’s why she divorced him?
She demands him to stop pursuing Borowiak now that Rostagno has a motive. He can’t be involved in this case anymore.
46. EXT – DESERT – DAY
Carmel calls the headhunter that made her move from NY to the desert. She finds out there has never been a firm or a name like that. The headhunter seems to never have existed. Carmel leaves her cell phone in the desert to be sure no one can follow her or listen to her conversations. But first she texts the dumb librarian that she won’t come back to the library until after they’ve closed. No one can reach her on her phone from now on. Librarian responds with happy emoji.
47. EXT – HAMPTON HOUSE – EVENING
WILL GRAEBNER comes home, only to be directed under gun threat to the soil pit dug for his new swimming pool by someone in a motorcycle helmet with a distorted voice. He lies down in the pit together with today’s newspaper, as directed. He is buried under all the soil from the truck.
48. INT – FBI OFFICE NEW YORK – DAY
Photos from the Hampton soil incident. One photo shows the newspaper – dated 1999. The fourth element killing already took place 22 years ago? FBI discovers that Carmel was one of the witnesses the police talked to about possible scenarios of the accident. Carmel worked for Graebner in his house 1999, cleaning. Is Borowiak’s wife involved in the murders? They find out that Carmel’s father died mysteriously on a Greenpeace ship just the way Borowiak told Rostagno. Graebner, a true psychopath, was the chairman of the board in the bank financing the oil project that Greenpeace protested against. The same bank financing the university. The bank used a security company owned by the first explosion victim Moreno. Could this desert town with no crimes be the epicenter of evil?
49. INT – POLICE STATION/UNIVERSITY LIBRARY – DAY
Rostagno calls the library to see if Carmel is there. The dumb librarian texts to the other librarian taking the call, that she will be here at closing time.
50. INT – FBI OFFICE NEW YORK – DAY
FBI in NY discusses which one of them is the killer setting the other one up? Borowiak or Rostagno? If Rostagno knew about the soil accident and Carmel working for Graebner, Rostagno could use that to set up Borowiak. If the FBI can find out all of this about the Borowiak family, Rostagno could too. It doesn’t matter if Graebner was an accident or a murder. The only thing that matters is how it looks now with the three murders today.
One of the agents conclude that for the first time in his career he feels scared. If a killer sets up this whole climate Greenpeace terrorist façade just to get personal revenge, then the world has really gone mad. Is that how egotistical we all are? We don’t give a damn when it comes to the crunch.
The real key is why Borowiak moved to the desert after Rostagno moved there. It can’t be a coincidence. The killer must be behind that. The only common denominator is NYSK who Borowiak profiled and Rostagno caught. That’s the only two times they met, when Borowiak offered his profiling and when Borowiak investigated Rostagno’s psychological status after the shootings.
51. EXT – DESERT AIRPORT – DAY
Disguised Borowiak arrives at the desert airport, goes to Fedex and picks up his package with the gun in it. Does anyone of Rostagno’s airport tipsters see him?
52. INT – UNIVERSITY LIBRARY – EVENING
The librarian is about to close the library main entrance when Rostagno enters, leaving Dwight outside in the police car watching who might arrive.
Rostagno sees the librarian going into Carmel’s office space, placing four sand bottles in her cupboard. Rostagno hides in the closet. Is the dumb librarian involved in some way?
Rostagno texts Piper about the sand found on the murder scenes. Was there any colored sand around the soil pit in 1999? No, nothing in the reports about that. But yellow (fire) sand found at the explosion, blue (air) sand in the car with the gas, and green (water) sand in Sand’s pool.
Someone cuts Styrofoam with Borowiak’s knife.
Carmel comes to get her computer and picture of her dad that she has moved from their house to her office. Rostagno hides in the closet again, but he forgets his phone on the desk when he puts back the examined sand into the bottle. She sees the phone, but decides to not touch it, leaving it there.
53. EXT/INT – POLICE CAR/UNIVERSITY LIBRARY – EVENING
Borowiak kidnaps Piper to make Rostagno confess in her presence. They drive to the library in her police car.
Borowiak calls the library from Piper’s police phone. The librarian picks the phone up wondering who calls the library after closing, but he can’t answer with his voice. Borowiak understands it is the dumb librarian, so he asks him to text to this number if his wife is in the building. Librarian texts that Borowiak’s wife is here. It seems everyone will be in the library soon.
54. INT – UNIVERSITY LIBRARY – EVENING
Rostagno goes to the librarian’s office space and looks at his tennis rackets. He realizes where he has seen that forehand before…
In his shock a scared Rostagno backs away, dropping his phone in the dark while texting to bring in the task force. The librarian enters. Rostagno hides with his gun. The librarian sees the vibrating phone on the floor when Dwight outside in the car texts and calls. He takes it, reads Rostagno’s unsent message, and texts that Rostagno is coming soon. Now Rostagno is also without a phone.
55. EXT – PARKING LOT – EVENING
After cutting the library telephone line, the librarian goes out and kill Dwight with Borowiak’s knife, takes the gun, police radio and cell phone from Dwight. And fills the victim’s blood in a bottle.
56. INT – FBI OFFICE NEW YORK – EVENING
FBI watches the interview that Borowiak did with NYSK after he was prisoned. We learn that NYSK didn’t want to kill his hated mother. He wanted her to suffer, knowing her son was a serial killer hating her. Only if she would be a threat to his freedom, he would kill her. Besides, he doesn’t want to kill anyone where he could be a natural suspect. It’s all about not getting caught, not making mistakes. The mother was ashamed that her son got caught, being prisoned, not ashamed of his killings. NYSK says Rostagno is the only one hitting him, except his mother. “You were just lucky to catch me.” NYSK asks Borowiak a lot of questions: “It’s my time profiling you now.” Borowiak asks about the killings. NYSK describes one of them:
57. EXT – NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
A young mother with a baby in a baby carriage talks on her cell phone while watching the smoke from Manhattan. Two airplanes have crashed into World Trade Center. She is on her way home to watch the news. But she is attacked by NYSK who brutally kills her, cutting off her head, smashing the head against the wall in rage. NYSK leaves the unaware baby in this sunlit idyllic neighborhood.
58. INT – UNIVERSITY LIBRARY – EVENING
Rostagno looks for both Carmel and the librarian with his gun ready. Borowiak and Piper enters the library from the backdoor.
Borowiak and Rostagno sneaks up on each other in the dark library. Carmel sneaks up and hits Rostagno’s hand with the frame of her father’s picture. His gun goes off. Borowiak reacts by shooting towards Rostagno in the dark, but the bullet hits his wife.
Carmel confesses to Borowiak that she researched her father’s death, taking the cleaning job at Graebner’s house to see if a natural accidental situation would occur. She killed Graebner in the soil pit 1999 since he was the one deciding the Greenpeace crew should drown, but she hasn’t killed anyone else. Borowiak shocked that his non-psychopathic wife has killed someone. She says her “headhunter” must be the killer. She dies. Devastated Borowiak handcuffs himself to his dead wife, screaming “I want you to kill me. You won.”
Rostagno tells Borowiak about the librarians forehand that Rostagno saw in New York without him knowing that… The dumb librarian is NYSK with a new face, the one setting them both up. Borowiak realizes the librarian stole the books to make them meet in his library. He could be up in the library lift.
Rostagno finds the librarian/NYSK looking dead in the library lift with a knife in his bleeding stomach and close to his mouth on the floor lies Dwight’s gun. Although Rostagno is careful, the librarian/NYSK overpowers him. He says he can now kill Rostagno with Borowiak’s knife and kill Borowiak with Rostagno’s gun. Rostagno pushes the button to make the lift go up in the air.
Borowiak lies handcuffed with his dead wife without the key, blaming himself, devastated. He can’t escape from the librarian/NYSK now.
Borowiak carries his dead wife between the bookshelves to surprise the librarian/NYSK when the lift comes down to the floor, shoots the librarian/NYSK, saving Rostagno’s life.
Borowiak and Rostagno are even. They outsmarted and overpowered NYSK as a team. Rostagno gets his self-respect and wife back. The meticulous truth-seeker Borowiak who is always right and never sloppy learns the truth, not only being wrong about Rostagno, his wife and the villain, but also learning the truth about himself. He is not the person he thought he was.
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Ola: I’ll be happy to analyze your thriller map for Mandala, Rev. 2, when it’s ready. I’ll be posting my Paranormal Patient, Rev. 2. tomorrow, most likely. OK?
For fast notes, gLguenther@yahoo.com
Jeff Guenther
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Great Jeff. Email me your outline in Word. I will change a couple of things in my outline tomorrow Monday.
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Jeff Bryce’s Thriller Map Version 1
Title: The Best Painkiller
Logline: A young anesthesiologist struggles to pay for his grandson’s life-saving treatment after a swindler flees with proceeds from the sale of his boat. Inspired by a true story.
Thriller Map:
1 EXT. STEEL CITY – NIGHT
Moonless. Skyglow. Steel mills and toxic landfill clog the waterfront. Rusty minivan rolls along damp streets. It passes a Chinese take-out.
2 EXT. CHINESE TAKE-OUT – NIGHT
Sign blinks “OP N”. A hatchback and red pickup in the two “tenants only” spots.
3 INT. UPSTAIRS APARTMENT – NIGHT
JACK MARINO (45) celebrates Valentine’s with girlfriend AMY (34) and gives her a fishnet garment. Jack excuses himself because he “promised ma I’d be by b’fore ‘leven”.
4 I/E. RUSTY MINIVAN – NIGHT
Driver VINCE (44) picks up his older brother SCRUFFY from a rooming house at midnight, while TOM (25) sleeps in back.
5 EXT. BOAT LAUNCH – NIGHT
Jack gives Vince a money belt and tells him (1) the meeting time is two-fifteen, (2) keep the lights out to avoid the cops, (3) watch for shoreline ice, and (4) see you back here about 4:00 a.m.
6 I/E. MOTORBOAT – NIGHT
Zips across a lake (Lake Ontario) and upriver (Niagara River). The brothers spot a series of red flashes and head toward it.
7 EXT. FISHING DOCK – NIGHT
The brothers buy 36 garbage bags full of raw tobacco and 50,000 faded-imprint “XANAX” bars from two felons (on the New York side). The tobacco is funded by Jack. The drugs are funded by Vince’s girlfriend.
8 I/E. MOTORBOAT – NIGHT
The brothers celebrate as they navigate the haze and watch for ice approaching Fifty Point Marina.
9 EXT. ENDZONE LOUNGE – NIGHT
Tom drops the minivan to MIA (41), Vince’s girlfriend, and goes for a snooze in a full-size sedan.
10 I/E. RUSTY MINIVAN – NIGHT
Mia takes the Fifty Road off-ramp.
11 EXT. FIFTY POINT MARINA – NIGHT
Mia hears a boat engine approaching, then a clunk & screech, then silence.
12 EXT. BOAT LAUNCH – NIGHT
Jack texts Vince. No answer. He hitches the empty trailer and curses Vince.
13 I/E. RUSTY MINIVAN – DAWN
Mia asleep. A blinding sunrise breaks the horizon.
14 INT. HIGH-KEY WHITE BACKGROUND
A recovery room in a Canadian hospital. A woman is coming out of general anesthesia with the aid of anesthesiologist STEVE KIRKWOOD (39). Through hospital speakers: Code Omega.
15 INT. HOSPITAL – OBSTETRICS
Technicians attend a bleeding new mother. The Staff Physician preps for a hysterectomy. Steve believes it’s a rare clotting disorder and treats it. She pulls through, avoiding radical surgery. Steve’s pager buzzes. His wife DEBRA (39) is in Radiology.
16 INT. HOSPITAL – RADIOLOGY
JACOB (6 months) sleeps in a stroller. Initially Steve believes their daughter is in trouble. Then he thinks Debra has cancer. Then he learns from the oncologist that Jacob has Stage 3 cancer that is best treated with an expensive experimental drug, not covered by health care plans. Steve and Debra need over $200,000, but don’t have the cash or liquid assets.
17 EXT. BOAT ACCIDENT SITE – DAY
Cops SZABO and VARMA examine the wreckage and brothers’ corpses. They figure the brothers were running two separate deals—tobacco to be processed at the Indian Reserve and XANAX to the streets.
18 EXT. CLEARWATER BOAT SERVICE – DAY
Modern with a chain-linked yard.
19 I/E. CLEARWATER BOAT SERVICE – DAY
Jack and Amy in the office. A sedan pulls up and three Iroquois thugs step out – driver Tom, BLUNT, and LONGPOINT. Amy’s about to mouth-off but Jack asks her to leave, and the thugs let her go. They press Jack about their expected shipment of raw tobacco. Jack makes a cell call as the business phone rings.
20 I/E. AMYS TAN HATCHBACK
Down the street from Clearwater.
INTERCUT – PHONE CONVERSATION
Jack phones Amy and asks for Mia’s number. Amy only knows where she works – Endzone Lounge.
END INTERCUT
Jack picks up the business phone and it’s the owner of the wrecked motorboat. He mentions the cops and the thugs leave. Jack lies to the motorboat owner.
21 EXT. ROOMING HOUSE – DAY
Recycle bins of bottles, cans, pizza boxes, garbage.
22 INT. ROOMING HOUSE
Szabo and Varma interview two losers. They learn (1) Scruffy sold them contraband cigarettes, (2) Mia’s the landlady and she works at Endzone, and (3) where Vince lives.
23 EXT. NEW CONSTRUCTION NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Snow mixed with dirt and mud. One home on a cul-de-sac – the Kirkwood House. Minivan pulls in. Down the street, the sedan pulls behind an excavator.
24 I/E. KIRKWOOD HOUSE – DAY
Daughter SHERRY (19), a dead-ringer for Debra, wants to borrow money (likely for drugs). Through dialogue we learn Jacob is Sherry’s son, Tom is Jacob’s father, and Sherry still sees Tom sometimes as they “hang at some of the same places”. Sherry learns of Jacob’s illness but doesn’t believe it until Steve tells her that he’s considering selling his heirloom boat to pay for treatments.
25 I/E. VINCE’S STUDIO APARTMENT – DAY
Szabo and Varma see a photo of Mia and discover a stash of liquor bottles in a storage locker worth $20,000 if sold as bar shots. They learn Vince drove the rusty minivan.
26 INT. KIRKWOOD HOUSE – NIGHT
Steve and Debra at a laptop. A notebook has check marks beside “NANNY”, “MAID” and “REHAB”. “BOAT BROKER” is the unchecked item. They consider using Clearwater Boat Service and its online brokerage agreement.
27 EXT. ENDZONE LOUNGE – NIGHT
Szabo and Varma examine the unlocked minivan, void of back seats, a perfect fit for 36 bags of tobacco.
28 INT. ENDZONE LOUNGE
Szabo and Varma question Mia about (1) her calls and texts to Vince from 4:00-7:30 that morning, (2) their relationship, and (3) their business relationship. Mia denies a business relation. She learns Vince is dead and her drugs & cash are gone.
29 EXT. ENDZONE LOUNGE – NIGHT
Jack confronts Mia and learns Vince is dead and his tobacco & cash are gone.
30 I/E. CLEARWATER BOAT SERVICE – DAY
Szabo and Varma question Jack about (1) Vince’s employment there, (2) the minivan doesn’t have a trailer hitch, so how could Vince take the motorboat, (3) Vince’s other business activities, and (4) Jack’s calls to Vince at 4:15 the previous morning. Jack lies his way out.
31 I/E. STEVE’S WHITE SUV – DAY
Drives in Cottage Country (Ontario, Canada). Steve, Debra, Sherry, and Jacob.
32 INT. DINER – DAY
Debra says something that upsets Sherry and she refuses to go to rehab.
33 EXT. DINER – DAY
Debra threatens Sherry, Steve hands Sherry her bag, and Sherry is picked up by a passing motorist. Debra and Steve argue.
34 I/E. WOODEN BOAT – DAY
Circa 1940s family treasure. Steve shows Jack the boat and takes him for a cruise. Jack guarantees him a deal in no time and learns Steve needs the proceeds for grandson Jacob’s cancer treatments.
35 INT. ROOMING HOUSE – DAY
Sherry has moved into Scruffy’s old room. She smokes crack and tosses the pipe out the window when Mia bangs on the door and threatens to come in. Sherry lies to Mia, and Mia kicks her out.
36 EXT. ROOMING HOUSE – DAY
Sherry’s pipe is shattered. She phones Tom asking for drugs. He informs her he’s being pressured to pay her tab. He threatens to tell Steve & Debra about her ongoing drug use, but Sherry says they’ll call Tom a deadbeat if he phones them. Sherry tells Tom that Jacob is sick, but Tom thinks she’s talking nonsense. She wants to meet and talk, but Tom tells her maybe in a few days.
37 INT. UPSTAIRS APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jack tells Amy that he wants to find a better way to make a living. He shows her a letter from the government dated last month that they’re going to freeze all his accounts due to unpaid payroll taxes and missed tax filings. Amy pummels him. Later, Jack watches TV and has a light-bulb moment. He texts that he has a hot prospect and needs a signed letter that there are no liens on the boat.
38 I/E. CLEARWATER BOAT SERVICE – DAY
There’s black mold on all the boats and some have electrical damage. Jack tells a mechanic to use bleach, vinegar, and baking soda. Steve arrives with boat records going back to the 1940s. All Jack wants is the no-liens letter, which Steve gives him. Jack tells Steve he sold the boat, and the net proceeds will be $250,000, which he’ll give to Steve in a week.
39 KIRKWOOD HOUSE – DAY
Debra gets ready to show an office rental. Steve tells her about the $250,000. Jacob says his first word.
40 I/E. DOWNTOWN OFFICE BUILDING – NIGHT
“SPACE FOR LEASE” in several windows. Debra heads inside as a street person peers through the door and knocks. Debra doesn’t notice.
41 I/E. CLEARWATER BOAT SERVICE – DAY
Jack and mechanic load tools into mechanic’s pickup. Jack tells him he’s done in the boat business.
42 INT. KIRKHOUSE HOUSE – DAY
Steve phones Clearwater and gets a prerecorded message (Amy’s voice) that they’re temporarily closed.
43 I/E. CLEARWATER BOAT SERVICE – SAME TIME
Jack and Amy are grabbing items of value which Jack plans to sell for quick cash.
44 EXT. CASINO PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Jack’s pickup pulls in and he heads inside.
45 INT. KIRKWOOD HOUSE – DAY
Steve phones Clearwater and gets an intercept message that the number has been disconnected.
46 EXT. CLEARWATER BOAT SERVICE – DAY
No activity. Steve and Debra read an “EVICTION NOTICE” on the door. Debra phones the landlord and learns (1) they didn’t pay their rent, (2) the landlord heard Jack owes hundreds of thousands of dollars, and (3) Jack sometimes hangs at the Port Authority. The Iroquois thugs’ sedan pulls in. Longpoint and Blunt read the notice while Tom stays in the driver’s seat.
47 EXT. PORT AUTHORITY – DAY
Steve and Debra hop out of the SUV and freeze in their tracks as a “Clearwater Boat Service” banner flaps in the wind.
48 INT. PORT AUTHORITY
They see a warning sign in a drawer which Debra believes is from The Mob. An attendant informs Steve & Debra that Clearwater has had an office there for three years.
49 INT. HOSPITAL – EXAM ROOM
The oncologist informs Steve & Debra that Jacob’s cancer is moving into Stage 4. They need to act fast.
50 INT. KIRKWOOD HOUSE – DAY
Steve checks vials in his medical bag. He gets on the phone.
51 INT. TRANSPORT CANADA OFFICE – SAME
Bilingual with phone headset.
INTERCUT – PHONE CONVERSATION
Steve learns (1) the boat registration procedure has changed, (2) his boat ownership was transferred two days ago, (3) Bilingual cannot tell him the new owner’s name due to the Privacy Act, (4) they don’t keep supporting documents, (5) they “rely on people’s honesty”, and (6) he should contact the police.
END INTERCUT
On the phone with the police, Steve is informed it’s a civil matter and he should talk to a lawyer.
52 EXT. WATERFRONT PARK – DAY
Tom and Sherry meet near the Boat Launch. Sherry tells Tom advice she learned at detox. Tom tells her he’s leaving town soon to get a fresh start.
53 INT. LAWYER’S OFFICE – DAY
Steve and Debra meet with a lawyer who wants $20,000 to sue Jack and take him through trial. He informs them they may win and still be unable to collect. They learn it will take at least 18 months for the whole procedure.
54 EXT. LAWYER’S OFFICE – DAY
Debra tells Steve that she’s scared. Steve reassures that Jacob will be fine.
55 INT. UPSTAIRS APARTMENT – NIGHT
In a fridge crisper, Amy discovers stacks of $20s and $100s wrapped in aluminum foil. As Jack sleeps, she dangles a knife and lightly runs it across his Adam’s apple. No harm done.
56 INT. KIRKWOOD HOUSE – NIGHT
Steve writes a threatening email to Jack.
57 I/E. PORT AUTHORITY – DAY
No Clearwater signs. Just two boxes. Steve learns that Amy will be by shortly to pick them up.
58 EXT. PORT AUTHORITY – DAY
Amy arrives and picks up the boxes. Steve follows.
59 EXT. OLD DOWNTOWN – DAY
Past desolate buildings and Endzone Lounge.
60 EXT. CHINESE TAKE-OUT – DAY
Amy parks beside Jack’s pickup and heads upstairs. Steve parks across the street. Jack comes down the stairs to Amy’s car. Steve confronts him. Jack says the bank put a hold on the check. Jack says the check is certified so he knows it will clear, and that’s why he changed the ownership. He tells Steve it should “all fall together when we get our new place”. Steve shows Jack a photo of Jacob and Jack says he’s been praying for him every day. Jack heads inside. Steve scouts the alley and nearby streets.
61 INT. KIRKWOOD HOUSE – DAY
Steve reads an email from Jack. Jack informs him that the government froze their accounts and took all their money, including the proceeds from the sale of Steve’s boat. Jack has declared bankruptcy. Jack’s bankruptcy trustee calls Steve and tells him Jack and his corporation are insolvent. Creditors get nothing. Steve sends Jack a more threatening email than his previous one. Later, Debra counts change from her massive coin collection and realizes it’s futile. She tells Steve she’s going to kill Jack.
62 INT. HOSPITAL – OPERATING ROOM ANNEX
Steve inventories drugs. Locks some in a cabinet and straps others into his personal medical bag.
63 EXT. CHINESE TAKE-OUT – NIGHT
Jack’s parked pickup and sounds from the kitchen.
64 I/E. UPSTAIRS APARTMENT – SAME
Steve picks the lock and sees Jack passed out with a bottle of booze and a “Prozac” container. Steve searches for his money but doesn’t find it. Steve begins to inject Jack. Jack wakes up briefly, then permanent lights out. Steve apologizes to Jack’s dead body.
65 INT. ENDZONE LOUNGE
Steve sits at the bar. He asks Mia who owns the minivan by the lamppost as he knows it’s a friend of his daughter, who he hasn’t seen in a while. Mia says its hers and tells him she evicted Sherry.
66 EXT. DOWNTOWN OFFICE BUILDING – NIGHT
One “SPACE FOR LEASE” sign. Sherry smokes and chats with the street person. He points and flees when he sees Debra exit the building. Sherry tells Debra about the street person’s mistaken identity. They argue and Sherry heads off down the alley.
67 INT. UPSTAIRS APARTMENT – NIGHT
Amy discovers Jack’s dead body and dials 911. Szabo and Varma question her and conclude the booze and pills killed Jack. Amy mentions Jack was depressed and that a baby was going to die because of him.68 INT. KIRKWOOD HOUSE – DAY
Jack’s bankruptcy trustee calls and informs Steve of Jack’s death. Steve looks at the online obit and notices oddities in its wording.
69 INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
Steve goes to Jack’s visitation. Jack’s brother tells him to leave. Amy, wearing designer clothing, intercedes. After she realizes he’s likely a customer, she introduces herself and he says he’s Steve. Amy leads Steve outside.
70 EXT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
Steve and Amy chat. Steve learns (1) she handles Clearwater’s financial accounts, part-time, (2) she’s squirreled away almost enough to buy a house, and (3) she’ll be at the funeral home for another hour.
71 INT. UPSTAIRS APARTMENT – DAY
Steve finds the money in the fridge. He takes it. Later, Amy discovers the money is gone. She can’t call 911 because the money was stolen. She opens a box of Jack’s things and searches his cell calls & texts. She sees Steve Kirkwood’s last threatening text.
72 INT. ENDZONE LOUNGE – DAY
Steve’s at the bar in his funeral-home suit. Mia doesn’t recognize him but realizes he’s a doctor.
73 INT. KIRKWOOD HOUSE – NIGHT
Crumpled foil and stacks of cash, more than enough for the first dose of Jacob’s treatment. Debra expresses concern about their safety.
74 INT. HOSPITAL – PEDIATRIC ONCOLOGY
Jacob gets his first treatment. Updated data state a 50/50 effectiveness of just one dose—a coin toss whether he will need a second.
75 INT. CRACK HOUSE – DAY
Sherry unconscious on a torn, vomit-stained mattress. Street person uses her phone and calls 911.
76 EXT. DOWNTOWN OFFICE BUILDING – NIGHT
Tom and Longpoint stake it out. Longpoint sees Debra remove the last “SPACE FOR LEASE” sign as Tom goes for a walk. Debra exits the building. Longpoint confronts, questions, and restrains her. She fights back and he stabs her. He dumps contents of her purse and grabs $40. Tom arrives on the scene, tells her to hang on, activates her phone’s SOS, and takes off with Longpoint.
77 INT. HOSPITAL – MORGUE
Sherry is dead. Med Examiner and Steve observe, Szabo watches Steve’s reactions. Steve’s pager buzzes, Debra’s in ICU.
78 INT. HOSPITAL – ICU
Debra’s in serious condition. Steve & the trauma surgeon chat as Szabo tries to get a better view from outside the window. Szabo is persistent. He flashes his badge and taps on the window. Steve temporarily steps away from Debra, tells Szabo it’s not a good time, and excuses himself.
79 INT. KIRKWOOD HOUSE – DAY
Children’s Aid rings the doorbell. There’s an allegation of neglect but sees Jacob’s in no immediate danger. But as Debra is in hospital and is Jacob’s sole guardian, the case is escalated and will be reviewed by their legal department. Don’t leave town Steve.
80 INT. HOSPITAL – ICU
Debra should be awake by now but she’s still in a coma. Steve prepares to extubate her.
81 EXT. GOLF DRIVING RANGE – DAY
Longpoint and Tom wait in the sedan. Steve slings his clubs into his SUV and is confronted by Longpoint, who mentions Steve’s wife and the missing money. Tom tries to cool their heads. But Longpoint pulls his knife and Steve nails him with a golf club. Longpoint falls to the gravel. Tom takes off and picks up the broken club-head.
82 I/E. SEDAN – NIGHT
Tom has take-out coffees with creamers & such on the side. He laces one with powder and gives it to Blunt when he wakes up.
83 PORT AUTHORITY – NIGHT
Sedan with Tom and Blunt parks at the water’s edge. Blunt questions Tom about the low price he’ll be paying for the upcoming drug deal. Blunt opens his door and vomits. A hitman who has followed them draws his gun but Tom fires first. Blunt and hitman float in the bay.
84 KIRKWOOD HOUSE – NIGHT
Tom asks to come in to talk but Steve refuses. Steve accepts a gift for Jacob and Tom leaves. It’s stacks of $100s and the head of Steve’s broken golf club. Szabo calls and asks Steve to meet in the morning.
85 DETECTIVE SZABO’S OFFICE – DAY
Szabo & Varma press Steve about Longpoint’s death, accomplices, and the recent deaths of Blunt and hitman. Varma accuses Steve as a kingpin of a smuggling operation with Jack, and therefore a killer. They don’t arrest Steve because he doesn’t crack and there’s no solid evidence.
86 I/E. UPSTAIRS APARTMENT – DAY
Steve knocks, then enters, but Amy is gone.
87 INT. HOSPITAL – ICU
A resident tends to a young woman cancer patient. Family looks on as Steve shows the resident how to use a tube exchanger. The procedure fails, the patient’s heart stops, and the family instructs Steve to stop. She dies. Later, in the physician lounge, Steve is zoned out. She’s the first patient he’s lost. His oncologist friend tries to cheer him up and suggests Steve take time off, as much as he needs, as his services are always needed.
88 EXT. LAKE – MORNING
Smooth granite shoreline and crystal water. Steve paddles toddler Jacob in a tandem kayak. He stops and tells Jacob about canoe trips with Sherry when she was a girl. Debra comes into view in her canoe and waves then on.
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Hi Jeff. I started reading your thriller map! great start. Would you exchange my feedback on your #1 map for feedback on my #2?
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Sure. Do you want me to email it to you or post it in the open forum? Jeff
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email – I converted yours to a word file and give typed feedback via email.
You can copy my map from above posted as #2 map (post #24). Or, I can email it to you in a word or pdf doc
I’m looking forward to a good read of your story!
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Michael Williamsen.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Michael Williamsen.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Michael Williamsen.
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Will do. Best, Jeff
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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I really look forward to reading your final story!!
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Michael Williamsen.
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Thanks Mike.
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Re the non-thrilling scenes, I posted every scene (even establishing scenes) on my map for my personal needs.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Jeff Bryce. Would you like to exchange feedback on our next versions? I’m exchanging with Jeff Gunther this version.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Ola Höglund.
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That’s fine Ola. I didn’t change anything on my Version 1 Map. But I amended the logline. As noted above to Mike, I included EVERY scene, even the 1-2 second establishing. Not so thrilling, but more of a personal aid to keep me on track. So you can review this one if you’d like. Remind me here (or email: jeff@bryce.ca) when you’ve posted your next version. Jeff
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Jeff Bryce. I have emailed you my new outline and copied yours. Email me the new logline if it’s not in this version.
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Ola, I emailed my comments. Wish you the best on an exciting and challenging project. Keep me posted. My logline is what you see above. Thanks for your interest, Jeff
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Michael Williamsen #15 Thriller Map version 3. SPECIAL THANKS TO JEFF BRYCE for his relentless and scathingly deep and incredibly useful critique on Map#2.
“Zip Tie Strangler”
VILLAIN’S PLAN. Narcissist Attorney Bob will do anything to build and protect to become the biggest human and sex trafficking organization. He gaslights Victoria into trusting him.
HERO Rookie reporter Victoria, ex-wife to Sheriff Mike, dating the Villain Bob. Must maintain “everyone’s sweetheart” image while manipulating them all to save her daughter and the kidnapped children.
RED HERRING Sheriff Mike, Victoria’s ex-husband, will stop at nothing to save his daughter and regain his marriage to Victoria.
LOGLINE: Rookie crime reporter Victoria, hot on the trail of a kidnapping ring, must outwit local gangsters and thugs, her alcoholic ex-husband Sheriff, and her narcissist billionaire boyfriend to bring her daughter safely home and stay alive.
OPENING
1. EXT. CRIME SCENE 1 – NIGHT
A thug is violently killed in an alley with a knife and ziptie around his neck. ZiP! The killers asks: “where are they?” He is looking for some people and willing to kill to find them.
2. EXT. CRIME SCENE 1 – DAY
Sheriff Mike is investigating the crime scene of the man killed with the Ziptie. Victoria, Mikes ex-wife, shows hostility towards Mike, affection and showing affection to her new boyfriend billionaire lawyer Bob.
3. EXT. BORDER CROSSING CAGES – DAY
Thugs take children from border-crossing cages, bribing border guards, and delivering to various sites. Local children, mostly from the Mexican community, are also missing – a kidnapping epidemic is upon the city.
4. INT. VICTORIA’S HOUSE DAY
Victoria discovers guns, other weapons, bullet loading machines in her basement in a secret vault, enough to launch a small army, apparently left by Mike after the divorce.
EXT. CRIME SCENE 2
Another killing with a ziptie. Victim has a criminal record for drug trafficking.
INCITING INCIDENT
5. INT. MIKES OFFICE DAY
Sheriff Mike and Victoria’s daughter has disappeared. Victoria accuses Mike of taking her. She accuses Mike of being the Ziptie Strangler killing off his kidnapping suspects.
EXT. KIDNAPPING SCENE – DAY
Victoria reports that four children were taken from a bus stop in front of a junior high school in the Mexican ghetto.
6. INT. BAR NIGHT
Victoria’s billionaire boyfriend Bob reveals himself as the kidnapper to Mayor.
Mayor, Sheriff Mike ‘s close friend and confident, is blackmailed to join kidnapper kingpin Bob to deal with Mike as they suspect he is killing off their kidnapping crew.
End of ACT I – we know what the story is about
ACT II
7. INT. DOCTORS OFFICE – DAY
Sheriff Mike finds out he has terminal Prostate Cancer making him desperate to find his daughter.
TURNING POINT one – ACT II
Reveal – Victoria and Mike’s driver and Bob’s driver Joe are all related and doing independent research on the kidnappings. They are all Mexican.
Victoria’s reporter curiosity senses Bob is hiding something in his briefcase. She finds evidence that he is the kidnapper kingpin.
8. MIDPOINT (middle of Act II) lines of loyalty are drawn
9. INT. RESTAURANT – EVENING
Victoria gives Sheriff Mike the evidence that Bob is the kidnapping ringleader. She now believes Mike did not take Lucy. Who did? Victoria responds favorably to Mike’s romantic interest.
10. INT. MAYORS OFFICE MORNING
Sheriff Mike gives to Mayor, whom Mike still believes is a trusted friend, the evidence against Bob. Mayor contacts Bob telling him they need to deal with Mike immediately.
11. INT: BOB’S CAR – DAY (on phone)
Bob is parked outside a warehouse while thugs unload children into a warehouse. Bob tells Victoria he knows she took the file, in fact he set it up for her to take as it reveals evidence that he couldn’t give up due to client/lawyer confidentiality. (gaslighting) She believes him.
Bob tells Victoria there will be a big bust on the kidnapping ring. Bob knows Mayor has the file and that arrests are in the process.
Bob tells Victoria he has a lead on the whereabouts of Lucy to stay in Victoria’s favor.
12. INT. MIKES BEDROOM – NIGHT
TV news channel reports Sheriff Mike’s good friend Police Chief has been murdered by a drive-by shooting.
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT – DAY
Victoria reports that school buses of children were reported missing as all the police officers were at the Police Chief’s funeral.
13. TURNING POINT TWO -ACT II – all hope lost for the hero and red-herring
14. INT. MIKES APARTMENT – MORNING
Victoria is in bed with Mike as news the kidnapping ring and serial killer suspect is being arrested. Victoria escapes – she had a clue of the arrest. Mike is arrested and charged with being the kidnapper and the serial killer.
Bob’s driver Joe (cousin to Mike’s driver and Victoria) helps Mike escape into the Mexican Ghetto – with a tracking device on his phone.
CLIMAX
15. EXT. VARIOUS WAREHOUSES – MORNING
16. The Mexican Ghetto gangsters get truckloads of weapons, enough for a small army, and show their strength by rescuing their children and killing all the kidnappers.
17. INT. COFFEE SHOP – MORNING
The tracking device on Mike’s phone which is traced by Bob’s driver (remember he is Victoria’s cousin) leads Bob to Mike at a coffee shop.
Mike and Bob meet face to face in the coffee shop. Both stating their intentions to kill each other. Victoria is secretly hearing on Mike’s cellphone speaker. Bob reveals he has Mike and Victoria’s daughter Lucy in his high-rise condo.
Bob shoots Mike.
Bob gets sliced up in the back alley by Mexican Gangsters with switch blades.
Victoria with Bob’s driver save Lucy.
(at this point, we really don’t know who the ZiPtie strangler is. I could pin it on the Mexican Gangsters by them using ZiPties on the kidnapping thugs but am preferring to leave it open for after movie conversations and cocktails .)
18. RESOLUTION
19. EXT. BEACH IN EXOTIC COUNTRY – MORNING
20. Victoria, her daughter, and Bob’s driver Joe meet on the beach in Mexico.
She pulls off the Ziptie which was used to fix her purse. ZiP!
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What I learned: FEEDBACK SWAP WANTED I know I’m late to the party as I’m in another class
(ProSeries) that has been consuming my time. So, I’m going to approach this a
little differently.Thriller Map: Here’s an overview of the plot and the characters.
1. Concept: A painfully shy geek, no family, no friends, stumbles on a plot by a middle eastern militia to awaken a sleeper cell embedded in the US military. He then must run from them and the FBI as he works to prevent the general’s evil plot, all while falling in love with his female alter ego.
3. Lead Characters:
a. Skinny – Lives alone in Manhattan, computer genius, shy, overweight, no friends, earns his money by holding small companies hostage for small sums. He comes alive in front of a computer. Abandoned by family.
b. The General – Head of a middle eastern militia who plans to awaken Iranian sleeper cells embedded in the US military to ignite an EMD (Electro-magnetic device) to destroy all technology – all in revenge against the US military.
c. Alicia – Skinny’s doppelganger who lives across the hall and has always had a thing for Skinny. Waitress on the night shift at Denny’s. Abandoned by family. Dark complexion.
d. Jean Claude – French Canadian who is Skinny’s friend on the dark web and comes to join the effort. Family from Morocco. Muslim. Jean Claude is defined by his obsession with conspiracy theories – especially those about the US government being controlled by the elite.
Our protagonist, Skinny, lives in a run-down apartment in Manhattan. Over the course of 120 minutes he experiences a strong arc from shy geek to a man out to save his country and the woman he loves. The General is a powerful, ruthless man who believes in his mission more than life. While the interaction between these two characters plays out, the relationship between Skinny and Alicia will continue to slowly grow from the first scene to the last. First touch to first kiss and beyond. This subplot will take up nearly as much screen time as the main plot.
OPENING: Skinny hacks and holds for ransom a small local bank in retaliation for the guard tripping him. We set up the current world where Skinny is made fun of for his weight and his inability to communicate. He’s alone except for his late-night companion on the dark web, Jean Claude. Skinny survives by hacking and holding small companies for ransom for smaller amounts – $5,000 or so. This keeps him under the FBI’s radar – or so he thinks! The security guard in front of the bank downstairs trips him and laughs about it – just one more in a life of slights and hurts. He responds by hacking the bank and holding it for $50,000 ransom. In the process he uncovers a plot to hijack the US military and gain access to an EMP bomb.
Mystery: Why is Skinny important to our story? What has he gotten himself into?
INCITING INCIDENT: Late at night Jean Claude hears chatter on the dark web that Skinny is about to be raided and killed by mercenaries. As he runs out of his shabby apartment with his laptop under his arm, he runs into Alicia coming in off waitressing at Denny’s. He takes refuge in her apartment and together they watch in horror while unknown individuals in Army uniforms ransack his apartment. Once these mercenaries leave, the FBI is close behind and raid as well. They’ve been monitoring him with a hidden camera and mic and know the backstory. They assume he’s been kidnapped and killed.
Life Threatening 1: Who is trying to kill him?
Mystery: Is Alicia in on the scheme?
Jean Claude comes from Quebec with his mom’s car to help.
Mystery: Is Jean Claude in with the mercenaries?
TURNING POINT 1: The trio is captured by the FBI and asked to help in capturing the General. The FBI wants to know what they know. But Jean Claude thinks it’s all a conspiracy and convinces the other two not to tell. The agree to wear a wire and go to the bank, but as soon as they’re released they make a run for Canada.
Mystery: What does the FBI really want with him?
Life Threatening: The FBI tells them they’re all going to jail if they don’t cooperate.
MIDPOINT: The trio is captured by the General who explains his diabolical plot.
Life threatening 2: Will Skinny and gang be killed?
Mystery: Who is in on the plot? Jean Claude? Alicia?
Mystery 6: What does the General’s want?
Villains Plan: General has infiltrated the US Military to gain access to Cheyenne Mountain
The trio escape into Canada just as the militiamen are about to catch them. They are all in the US military and can’t use their passports or documents to cross the border without raising red flags. There Skinny reveals that he’s got $200,000 stashed in a Cayman Island bank.
Turning point: But when he checks his account is empty. They’re out of money. They visit Jean Claude’s uncle – also a conspiracy theorist – who researches and tells them more details about the general’s plot. Advice: cut off the head of command and control and the army and the plot will fall apart. They must kill the general.
Mystery 8: Jean Claude is exposed as in on the plot by Alicia. But Alicia claims Jean Claude is in on the plot with the general. Both have “proof” Mexican standoff and Skinny must chose.
Turning Point: Of course Skinny picks Alicia (bad choice as we will come to find out).
TURNING POINT: Alicia is shot by Jean Claude and ultimately kidnapped and held for ransom by the guerillas. Jean Claude and Skinny move on after a painful reconciliation.
Life threatening: Will Alicia be killed?
Villain’s Plan: Hold Alicia hostage – they rightfully think Skinny is in love – to make him reveal what he knows and pay the money back. They then plan to kill everyone. the $800 Million back.
The general gives Skinny a computer and demands return of the money. Instead, Skinny transfers all the banks assets into his Cayman account – $2.3 billion and demands the release of Alicia.
Climax: With this money the trio enlist the services of their own band of mercenaries and ultimately the general is killed – by the hand of Skinny – and the plot is foiled.
RESOLUTION: Skinny and Alicia are reunited and live happily … but as the credits roll she has an evil look in her eye and we understand she will continue the fight to release an EMP.
Lots of gigantic holes. I’m working on them.
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I’m Canadian, but not French-Canadian. I’m very willing to comment after you have filled in the holes that you have noted.
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That would be awesome Jeff. Here is the most recent. Email is spwriter@yahoo.com
Concept: A painfully shy hacker stumbles on a plot by a middle eastern militia to awaken a sleeper cell embedded in the US military. He then must run from them and the FBI as he works to prevent the general’s evil plot, all while falling in love with his female alter ego.
Plot Choice: Underdog / Maturation – Jake, our young, shy hacker, is no match for the powerful general. But through cunning and a growing self-confidence he is able to thwart the general’s evil scheme. All of this occurs while Jake and Mary slowly let down their barriers and learn to let someone in and love for the first time.
Structure:
Opening Scene: Jake hacks the bank out of revenge and discovers a plot by the militia general to get a dirty bomb and release. This after he holds the bank’s assets for ransom. He realizes they may come after him and he’s worried. His friend from the dark web, Jean Claude, warns him of an attack.
Inciting Incident: Jake’s apartment is invaded by killers, and he narrowly escapes by hiding in Mary’s apartment. The FBI also come looking for him. Jake calls for help from his older brother Harry who is a detective with the NYC police.
By page 10: Jean Claude, a conspiracy theorist, arrives from Canada with his mother’s stolen car and the 3 run away.
First turning point at end of Act 1: FBI catches them and tells them to help capture the general. They agree, but then run. Harry tells them to turn themselves in.
Mid-Point: They discover the full extent of the General’s evil plan and decide it’s up to them to save the country. They travel to Jean Claude’s uncle’s hut for guidance. Skinny enlists his brother from there.
Second turning point at end of Act 2: The trio is captured by the general, and Jake must decide which friend is real and which is in on the plot. Both is accused by the other. Jean Claude is shot and killed by Mary. But Mary helps Skinny and her escape.
Crisis: The general kidnaps Mary and demands to know what Skinny knows and to give the money back.
Climax: Skinny takes all the bank’s assets – 2.5 billion and demands that Mary be released.
Resolution: Jake and Mary get together and hug. But as credits roll, Mary’s eyes reveal that she’s still dedicated to the plot against America.
Protagonist Character Arc: Jake goes from a lonely boy unable to interact with humans on a personal face-to-face basis – and unwilling to let anyone else into their world – to a man willing to take on the world to save the one person he finally let in.
Part to be changed: Ability to risk letting people into his life
Biggest fear: Being hurt again
Completion of arc: Jake is able to let Mary into his life, and this maturation process also results in his being abl to take on a strong antagonist.
Plot in Structure:
Opening Scene:
EXT. NYC SIDEWALK – DAY
Jake is tripped and made fun of by a bank security guard.
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jake seeks revenge by hacking into the bank and holding it for ransom. We learn this is what he does “for a living” with small companies and only a small % of their assets. He’s a nice ransomware guy. He chats on the dark web with his only friend Jean Claude – another geek in Canada.
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jean Claude calls Jake telling him there’s chatter on the dark web about some middle eastern militia coming after him. Clueless, Jake sees black vans pull up outside so he grabs his computer and runs out his apartment door.
Inciting Incident:
INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT
Jake runs into Mary, Jake’s doppelgänger (mousy, a bit heavy, geekish but dark complexion, Persian decent) in the hallway. As someone storms up the steps Mary pulls him into her apartment just in time. They watch as unknown GI’s storm his apartment and search for him. They in turn are interrupted by the FBI pulling up below and running inside. They beat it just in time themselves. The FBI, who had been watching and listening for weeks, assume he’s been kidnapped. Jake calls Jean Claude for more info, who convinces him it’s a vast US conspiracy. He convinces them to run, and he decides to steal his mom’s car and come down to help them escape. Jake calls his brother for advice and Harry tells him to go to the police.
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE, NEW YORK – DAY
Agent Terry tries to figure out what happened to Jake. He enlists the help of
EXT. TERRORIST TRAINING CAMP AFGHANISTAN – DAY
The General is pissed that someone has hacked into the money-laundering bank he owns in NYC. He’s more pissed that his men let Jake get away. What does he know? Why did he hack the bank? How powerful is this man? Is it the CIA?
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
They’ll make a run for it tomorrow. But for now, they’re alone. Neither has ever been kissed, so the intimacy is scary. He won’t sleep in her bed, so she sleeps on the LR floor with him. She’s scared too. They don’t touch but after Jake’s asleep Mary continues looking at him. We don’t know what that means.
Page 10:
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Jean Claude arrives and pushes a conspiracy theory. Convinces Jake and Mary to run. They agree.
INT CAR – DAY
The Trio is being chased by the FBI, who eventually catch them.
First turning point:
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE – DAY
Trio meet with Jake’s brother and are then interrogated, told a bit about the general (not everything). They have a choice: jail time or help them catch the general – in France. They agree but
EXT. CAR – DAY
as soon as they are set free, and in response to Jean Claude’s conspiracies, then make a run for the Canadian border, closely pursued by a group of middle eastern men in US Army uniforms. They make it across as the Army men break to a stop. They don’t want to expose their movement by going across an international border.
Midpoint:
INT. SHABBY VILLA – CANADIAN WILDERNESS – DAY
They go to Jean Claude’s uncle’s remote cabin, uncle Jules, also an avid conspiracy theorist. Jake calls his brother Harry on background, who after encouraging them to come in, explains what he knows about the General. Jake logs back into the bank and discovers the details of the plot: to awaken US military members loyal to his cause and get him access to an Electromagnetic Pulse bomb to wipe out all communications in the Eastern half of the US. They decide that they must go back to defeat this evil plan.
MEANWHILE: Jake and Mary continue to become closer – but only in glances, brushes of the skin, then Mary asking to be held at night. Mary and Jean Claude fight constantly, both accusing the other of being in on the general’s plot. And both have “evidence”. (1 set was planted). Jake must make a decision but not now.
Second turning point:
Jake reaches out to Harry who, after being told of the scheme, telling the FBI and being rebuffed by them, agrees to help. He takes his small plane low across the border and meets them.
Jake checks his Cayman bank account (!) but finds it frozen! But uncle Jules calls in a favor, a trapper with a plane that can get them into where the General has his lair. [Canada, France, Beirut, Kabul?]
EXT. FRENCH VILLAGE – DAY
The four are hiding out near the lair when tensions between Mary and Jean Claude boil over and ultimately Mary shoots Jean Claude and runs out. She doesn’t come back.
Crisis:
The group discovers that she has been kidnapped by the general and held hostage until Jake tells them what he knows. Instead, Jake hacks back into the bank and moves all of their assets – $1.5 billion into Jake’s new account in the Caymans. The general is livid and threatens to kill her.
Climax:
EXT. LAIR – NIGHT
Jake and Harry find the lair, and find Mary (who doesn’t seem to be very captive). They are suspicious but she proves her loyalty by helping them kill the general and his evil mignons.
Resolution:
INT. LAIR – NIGHT
The loving couple are reunited and embrace and kiss for the first time. But as the credits roll, we see an evil glint in Mary’s eyes. She is still dedicated to the General’s cause, even if it required sacrificing her uncle the General.
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I’ve had to take a step back and create a timeline. In a chronologically written script, the timeline is implicit. The Thriller process is different, and the fastest way to pick up timing plot holes is to create a formal timeline. I used Excel. Copy available, if anyone wants it.
UPDATE: I’ve completed my timeline. In addition to fixing plot holes, it’s helped me to show on-screen events I’ve only told, to involve the MC in other incidents, show the reactions of the police, create a more realistic sequence of events (MC has to sleep sometime!), rationalization of MMM with Syd Field’s Paradigm, add a place to drop in another key poltergeist incident, add a spooky sound-effect, and fine a way for the MC to save herself by her own cleverness. None of this is easy. END OF UPDATE.
Because critiques are to be based solely on the course content, I’ve also created a critique punchlist to help me stay focused on just that content.
☐☑ For [Writer]: ____________________________ [Project]________________________________
☐ unknowing/unwitting Hero?
☐ resourceful hero?
☐ dangerous & fascinating villain, trying to destroy opposition?
☐ high stakes?
☐ plot twists?
☐ no flat passages?
☐ continuing suspense?
☐ LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS
☐ mystery appears early, imperiling Hero or a loved one
☐ hero is forced to solve the mystery?
☐ Is there big intrigue, a plot?
☐ got tension?
☐ got anticipation?
☐ got uncertainty ?
☐ got surprise(s)?
☐ is there constant danger or expectation of danger to the hero?
☐ is there escalation of danger or stakes?
☐ is there a red herring?
☐ Is there mystery for each character?
☐ &/Or intrigue for each character?
☐ &/Or suspense for each character?
☐ Does the Villain have an end goal?
☐ Can the Villain reach it deviously
☐ How does the Villain cover it up?
☐ Does the plan follow an intriguing sequence?
☐ Are there trust/distrust issues?
☐ Are there action reveals?
☐ Do the reveals evoke viewer emotion?
☐ Is backstory minimized?
☐ Misdirection clues?
☐ Is there a primary clue trail?
GLG
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Jeff Guenther. Reason: Show experience with timeline
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Jeff Guenther’s Thriller Map Version 3
Title: The Paranormal Patient
Logline: When healthy people start to die at her hospital, a nurse must find the evil force behind the killings before it strikes her young patient or herself.OPENING: Lure us into the story and introduce the lead character in action.
1. EXT ST. ROCHUS HOSPITAL – DAY.
Allie, 28, strides carefully along a rainy street, carrying her cheap sensible shoes, talking to boyfriend on phone as she hurries to her next job interview. She asks him how their daughter is. He says she’s fine but tells Allie he still hasn’t found work and his unemployment has run out. She reports on her earlier interview, a position at BurgerPalooza for $12 an hour. She intends to take it, but has heard about another opening that is not great, but is within walking distance, and probably pays a lot better. She stresses that they are desperate, she’s burnt her bridges at her old hospital and they are out of money.
She stops under an awning in the front of a building that would be imposing if it were not a decrepit pile of crap: “St. Rochus Hospital,” built, according to the brass plate, in 1890. A crude, faded sign informs her they are still “now hiring.” As she puts on her shoes, a cabbie at the curb suggests she put on track shoes, instead, and run away from St. Rochus’s as fast as she can.
2. INT PERSONNEL OFFICE – DAY.
E.R. Manager Feeney passes an application form across his desk to Allie and, puzzled, asks why she wants to work there. He reminds her, if she needed reminding, that St. Rochus is a Catholic hospital and has a morals clause in their contract: their employees are expected to be of impeccable conduct, with no cohabitation or premarital sex. He also tells her they never check to see who their employees live with. He offers her a job, subject to a check of her resume. She accepts, and he introduces her to her boss, the Director of Nursing, Sr. Polygrippa, who is revealed (jump scare?) as a humorless, daunting woman of 6′-6″.
3. INT VARIOUS WARDS & FLOORS – DAY.
Sr. Polygrippa shows Allie around the hospital. We observe that many patients are indigents. Allie mistakes a heavily-bandaged woman in a wheelchair for a patient. The woman is an on-duty nurse, recenly beat up by an indigent. Laundry carts are moved around, parts of the building have been sealed off, elevators are marked “out of order.” Their elevator is very slow, jiggles and jerks as they rise to another floor. The nun stresses their “charitable work,” which State law says they can’t refuse. Allie gives a surreptitious full-body eye-roll.
3A. INT ALLIE’S APARTMENT OPTIONAL – DAY
Allie interacts with boyfriend, reveals more of their situation, relationship, child. Character development. Desperation. Fear. Not a lot of food on hand. She tells him about what’s going on at work, indicates this job is her last chance after what happened at the previous hospital.
INCITING INCIDENT: An event that propels the Hero on the Journey.
4. INT GROUND FLOOR OFFICES – DAY
The following day, Allie starts work, assigned to the non-paying patient wards. After several run-ins with the patients, Allie is told to go down to Admissions and process a cute and bubbly young patient named Clara Menzies, 11, who is being admitted for a scheduled tonsillectomy. As Allie wheels Clara out of the Admissions office, a fire breaks out right next to them on a desk. The fire alarm goes off. Pandemonium. Allie conducts Clara and her mother into a safe area outside the building. In b.g., Admissions Secretary tells Firemen “It just suddenly was on fire. No cigarette, nothing.”
TURNING POINT 1: A major twist that locks the hero into the conflict. Point of no return.
5. INT GROUND FLOOR – DAY
Admissions and part of the corridor are sealed off for smoke remediation. The hospital is not evacuated, Allie is told, because the fire was confined to a small area, well away from the patient areas.
The girl’s father, Mr. Menzies, arrives and thanks Allie for taking care of Clara. Both parents seem very concerned about their daughter. Mr. Menzies is especially worried about the fire, but Allie and the nun reassure him it can’t happen again. Sr. Polygrippa immediately takes Allie off the Indigent ward and assigns her to paying patient rooms, including Clara’s room.
6. INT FOURTH FLOOR – DAY
Later that day, a toilet overflows in another room, damaging the room below it. A small fire breaks out in the waste basket in a vacant room, Room 433. A woman in Room 429 claims she saw someone enter her room at midnight. No one else saw anything. Polygrippa orders the dour, creepy Custodian to investigate the relevant rooms, but he finds nothing.
6A. INT ROOM 440 – DAY
Allie calls boyfriend from an empty room. Leaning against the headwall, she gives him an update. She mentions their daughter and their anticipated wedding later that year.
7. INT FOURTH FLOOR CORRIDOR – DAY
Afterward, Custodian tells Allie this wing, Four South, the oldest in the hospital, was rumored to be haunted at one time. He shows her to Room 444 and tells her it’s been locked for 20 years. He says even he has no key for that room and many other rooms . Allie twists the doorknob. The door opens. Custodian is surprised, shocked, and immediately closes the door again.
8. INT FOURTH FLOOR NURSES’ STATION – DAY
The next day, the woman in Room 429 demands to be discharged and moved to another hospital. Polygrippa orders all the staff to maintain secrecy. Clara’s mother hears about the “ghost” somehow and complains to Sr. Polygrippa, demands her daughter be moved to a different floor. Allie also fears for the young patient and promises mother she’ll protect the girl. Four South is sealed off as haunted and the patients moved. Two nurses quit.
9. INT THIRD FLOOR NURSES STATION – DAY
Allie looks in on Clara often in Room 333. Clara is cute and responsive, and friendly to Allie. Meanwhile, a few other patients leave prematurely. Allie overhears Polygrippa tell Nurse Benson that the hospital’s ratio of paying to non-paying patients is dropping.
10. INT ROOM 333 – DAY
Clara’s mother visits her and tells her ghost stories, upsetting her and Allie. Mr. Menzies patiently tries to get his wife to stop telling stories to his step-daughter, with no success.
11. INT ROOM 333 – NIGHT
Later that night, Clara has a nightmare. When Nurse Benson goes in to quiet her, she sees the covers snatched off the girl, who wakes and screams. Benson grabs the girl and runs into the corridor. The creepy Custodian appears suddenly, scaring them. They find nothing that could have moved the covers. They move Clara to Room 330.
12. INT PERSONNEL MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY
The next day, Feeney calls Allie into his office. Sr. Polygrippa is there. They mention the poltergeist phenomenon from the previous night shift. Then they say someone has reported Allie for cohabiting with a man she’s not married to and for having a child out of wedlock. She’s threatened with being fired for immorality, but it’s an empty threat, given the hospital’s employee shortage. She thinks looks her position is secure . . . for now. She’s then told to file a stack of records in the basement.
13. INT HOSPITAL BASEMENT – DAY
The spooky Custodian, Mr. Ralph “Red” Harrington, a denizen of the old basement, knows the hospital and the files better than anyone else. Among the clutter (gas cylinders, furnace, etc.), he has a slide rule and all the building plans on his workshop walls. He admits to Allie that the rumors were true: The hospital was haunted 40 years ago, and certain sections were sealed off, then, along with several elevators. He tells spooky stories, worse than Mrs. Menzies, scaring Allie.
14. INT ROOM 333 – DAY
Clara asks Allie why her step-father hasn’t come to visit her. Allie tries to contact him, but the phone has been disconnected. No one, including Mrs. Menzies, has seen him since he visited Clara in 333. The part-time doorman didn’t see him leave, as far as he knows.
15. INT VARIOUS LOCATIONS – DAY
Allie tells Polygrippa about Menzies. The nun orders a search of the building. Some of the father’s personal property is found in a room. A doorman says he thinks he saw Mr. Menzies leave the hospital. More phenomena occur on the Old Wing. Staff start to quit because of the strange happenings. Polygrippa promises them more money to continue working there. Sr. Polygrippa sprinkles holy water in all the rooms, and the phenomena stop.
16. INT 3RD FLOOR LOCATIONS – DAY
The next day, the phenomena start all over again, only worse. The “solution” didn’t work. Sr. Polygrippa’s team tries burning sage, incense, candles, etc.
17. INT 3RD FLOOR NURSES STATION – DAY
Allie opens a cabinet and finds it full of scalpels, etc. A dream-state hallucination shows us Allie has a phobia of surgical instruments due to an incident at her previous hospital. Polygrippa comes and tells Allie she is going to do Clara’s anesthetic for her operation, a long-delayed tonsillectomy. Allie tries to talk her out of it, but Polygrippa insists she can do it, unless she lied on her resume. She also says Allie should be there to protect Clara during and after the operation. Allie agrees to serve in the O.R.
18. INT OPERATING ROOM – DAY
The operation is smoothly underway when more phenomena start. Allie, already nervous starts to shake during the procedure when she sees one of the instruments levitate. Allie screams and runs out and is accosted by Sr. Polygrippa. Allie has to admit she has developed a phobia of surgical instruments, but is ordered to return to her post or resign. Two surgical lamps blow out. There are no spares in the OR storage cabinets. They get by with headlamps and the operation is finished successfully. Strange noises are heard several floors up, in sealed off areas. They move Clara back to her room.
19. INT SR. POLYGRIPPA’S OFFICE – DAY
Sr. Polygrippa places a phone call to an elderly exorcist, Fr. Wilbur Dean, and requests his assistance.
MIDPOINT: A major revelation. The opposition is 10 times worse than thought.
20. INT ROOM 330 – NIGHTBenson is afraid to do the night shift on Clara’s ward. Allie takes her shift. When Clara’s door keeps closing, contrary to orders, Allie puts a cast iron chair in the way. A while later, she sees the chair tumbling end over end down the hallway, not making a sound. The door is closed. Allie runs into the ladies’ room.
21. INT 3RD FLOOR AREA – DAY
Clara thanks her when she wakes, says she had no more nightmares. Benson comes on duty. Allie goes next door to get some sleep, and discovers Mrs. Menzies dead in Room 330.
21A. INT 3RD FLOOR AREA – DAY (MIDPOINT)
The Police are called and question everybody. Coroner takes away the body of Mrs. Menzies after saying there’s no sign of foul play. Polygrippa reveals some negative information about the hospital finances. The police tape off Room 330 as a possible crime scene and leave. Exhausted, Allie sleeps in Room 331, an empty room.
22. INT POLYGRIPPA’S OFFICE – DAY
As the police exit, the charming exorcist arrives. He scares Allie with stories of his exorcisms. She tells him she thinks she should quit. He asks her to stay to help with Clara. He says leaving after such a short employment may make it hard for her find anothe job. She tells him about the chair tumbling down the hall. He asks a few questions, including Clara’s age and when the phenomena started. He eventually gets them to tell him about the fire as they admitted Clara. He leaves to prepare himself for the exorcism. Polygrippa tells Allie she’s found evidence of missing supply purchases, mentions that their insurance costs are up because of the high turnover of nurses. She also mentions that restaffing has begun.
Polygrippa turns on the local TV news. It includes Menzies’ death and a story that an exorcist has been called in to St. Rochus’s, based on “an insider’s account.” Details establish that the information must have been leaked by someone at the last staff meeting. Sr. Polygrippa is furious and anticipates patients and staff leaving, and fewer donations, because of the TV coverage.
23. INT HOSPITAL BASEMENT – DAY
Custodian shows Allie and the Exorcist on a marked-up building plan where the phenomena have taken place, all but one near Clara’s room, up or down one floor. The exorcist ID’s Clara as the possessed source of the phenomena, explains the difference between possession and poltergeists. He suggests moving Clara to the end of an old abandoned wing, Room 599, away from the other patients. He gives Allie a master pass key.
23A. INT HOSPITAL ROOM 599 – DAY
The Exorcist meets Clara, says what he intends to do. She pouts. He asks her to cooperate. She is reluctant. He goes to prepare his equipment.
24. INT ROOM 597 – DAY
Exorcist opens his bag and takes out his gear. He wonders why Menzies didn’t tell the hospital Clara was possessed. He sends Allie away while he readies his incense, candles, bell, Bible, rehearses his readings, prays, etc. There’s a strange two-tone humming-whistling noise. He rises, sways, gasps, reels about the room, holding up his crucifix, praying, commanding the demon to leave. He goes toward the door, falls on the floor and dies.
TURNING POINT 2: Major setback. The lowest of the low.
24A. EXT ROOM 599 – DAY
The exorcist doesn’t come out of the room. They hear eerie whistling noises then silence. Custodian is called and unlocks the door with his key. He starts to open the door, but something’s in the way. Allie squeeezes past the door and finds the exorcist dead on the floor, his face against the door, no signs of foul play.
24B. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
The police come, Cop #1, Cop #2, coroner’s rep. They ask many questions. When they hear Exorcist died “during” an exorcism, Cop #1 wants to get away ASAP and leave even before the coroner takes the body away. Cop #2 insists they go by the book. Coroner tells them there’s no obvious cause of death. He needles Cop #1 by wondering aloud if the Exorcist died of fright.
25. INT SR. POLYGRIPPA’S OFFICE – NIGHT
Allie, saddened by the exorcist’s death, angrily risks her job, tells Polygrippa they have to do something more effective than holy water. Polygrippa promises she’ll investigate the strange noises in the building and try to get another exorcist. Allie checks on Clara, has lost both her parents, begs her to stay with her.
Allie talks with her boyfriend who wants her to get out of there, asks when she gets her first check.
25A. INT CEO’S OFFICE – NIGHT
Polygrippa & Allie visit or call CEO Grundlefinger and asks for money for an engineering study of the building. Grundlefinger says there’s no money, and the noises are part of structural repairs in the oldest areas of the building that are taking all the cash. Jacob Zudirk, Director of Facilities, has kept the repairs secret to avoid having the building condemned. Grundlefinger tells the nun the hospital is almost bankrupt. Polygrippa calls another exorcist.
26. INT VARIOUS LOCATIONS – NIGHT
During a storm so severe people are warned not to go out in the streets. Allie finds that Clara is missing. She reports this to Sr. Polygrippa, then explores the room, including the headwall, with all its connections, IV support arms, and capped connections that don’t seem to do anything. Another nurse, Betty Benson, thinks they were originally for oxygen or vacuum lines that were replaced with central tanks when the new wing was added.
Allie and Betty Benson look in the basement, where other parts of the building are sealed off. Allie finds a voodoo doll in her locker. She shows it to Polygrippa and gets bawled out, ordered to stop snooping, let the police investigate. Polygrippa says she’ll donates her own funds to order vital supplies and pay for the investigation. She arranges to meet Allie later at the nurses station near Clara. Allie returns to the basement, uses the Custodian’s key to open one of the taped off elevators, where she finds the Custodian dead, without a mark on him. Benson goes to sleep in an empty room.
27. INT MORGUE – NIGHT
When called, the police claim the storm will delay them until morning. Polygrippa ordesr Custodian put in the old hospital morgue cold storage until police can arrive. Allie tells the nun she fears that something demonic killed the Custodian and the Exorcist.
27A. INT SR. POLYGRIPPA’S OFFICE – NIGHT [maybe move to morgue]
Polygrippa enters. Door closes automatically. Supernatural whistling noise begins. Nun searches all over for the source of the whistling. Eventually she collapses.
28. Xth FLOOR NURSES STATION – NIGHT
Allie arrives, waits for Polygrippa. She visits Clara. Polygrippa doesn’t show up. No one saw her leave the building.
29. POLYGRIPPA’s OFFICE – NIGHT
Allie searches for the nun and finds her personal effects left behind. She looks out the window to see if the storm has abated, hoping the police can make it through.
29A. INT VARIOUS LOCATIONS – NIGHT
Allie and others search the hospital, looking for the nun and or Clara. Allie thinks she is being stalked. She uses the key the Custodian gave her to open the door to the cold storage room. “Is this door to keep us out? Or them in?” There are two bodies there, one tall, one short, on slabs, covered by sheets. No Clara-size bodies. She pulls the sheet down on the Custodian-sized body, but it’s an anatomical skeleton. She puts the sheet back where it was. Polygrippa is beneath the second sheet. Concealed beneath her bib collar, she has crucial records incriminating Zudirk, the Facilities Manager,: old employee records and recent expenditures. Another document shows the paying patients-to-indigents ratio is dropping. She also found that EMTs are being bribed to bring more indigents.
Allie gets the evidence together and starts to leave cold storage. She tries the door but it’s been barred from the outside and she can’t get out. An eerie whistling noise like she heard in the Exorcist’s room begins. She traces it to a whistle attached to a capped pipe coming out of the wall. She twists the cap off, and the whistling stops, replaced by a steady whoosh of flowing gas.
“Hello, Allie,” comes from the pipe, an old fashioned speaking tube. It’s Menzies. He tells her Clara is with him and he’s filling the cold room with nitrogen, the way he suffocated Polygrippa, the Custodian and the Exorcist. Allie tries to stop the flow with her hands, no luck. She stuffs tissues into the pipe; no luck. She finally takes out a quarter and puts it inside the cap, then screws the cap over the pipe, stopping the flow. She pulls the pins out of the hinges using Polygrippa’s big metal cross and escapes.
CLIMAX: The ultimate expression of the main conflict.
30. INT SEALED OFF WING – DAY
Allie calls the police. The dispatcher says they’re already on the way, but may have been delayed by fallen trees, etc.
As Allie passes the sealed off wing, she sees a laundry cart left there. She reluctantly checks for a body. Nothing inside. She finds a concealed entrance (through a taped off elevator door) and enters the sealed off wing. Instead of the expected disorder, it’s clean and new, including an organ harvesting operating room, with a few organs in picnic coolers or dewars. A body is on a slab. She whips back the sheet and finds the Custodian, who has had his useful organs removed. A clipboard on the surgery wall lists Allie as donor #5. An attendant spots her and summons Menzies.
Menzies arrives, chases, her, admitting he and the Facilities Manager were trying to bankrupt the hospital so he can buy up the stock and take it over to turn it into an organ harvesting operation. Allie exits by the false elevator, dashes into the adjacent stairwell and is chased up to the top floor. Menzies summons Clara, who appears, grinning fiendishly, apparently possessed. He orders her to kill Allie. Clara approaches Allie, arms outstretched. Allie takes Polygrippa’s cross from her pocket, paralyzing Clara. She then attacks Menzies, who runs into the stair railing, which gives way. He falls down the stairwell. Clara embraces Allie. Allie looks at her dubiously, but takes her downstairs.
The police finally arrive, and Allie protects Clara from unpleasant attention, telling them Menzies stumbled and fell while trying to kill her.
RESOLUTION: end the journey in an emotionally satisfying way.
31. EXT ST. ROCHUS HOSPITAL – DAWN
More police activity. They tell results of the mother’s autopsy: death by alcohol poisoning. The new exorcist arrives and performs an exorcism on Clara. Clara has no known relatives and is apparently Menzies’ sole heir. CPS is shut down from the storm. A police woman says she’ll take the girl to the police station. Allie convinces her it would be better to let Clara go home with her for post-op care after the doctor releases her.
Final shot: Allie and Clara walk towards home, hand in hand, barefoot on the wet sidewalks. The boyfriend meets them on the street.
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I’m looking for another critique swap, if anyone’s interested. Thanks.
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Hey, Jeff. I’m totally into that if you’re still around. Some have checked out.
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Here’s my V3
Below is kind of a combination of this course and the ProSeries that I’m about a month into. Plus a couple of notes to myself at the top. Sorry if that confuses the issue.
The Transgressors
Concept: A painfully shy, lonely computer nerd stumbles upon a plot by the Russian mafia to deploy an EMP dirty bomb, then uses his growing maturity and awareness to defeat the crime boss and expose his plan, all while falling in love for the first time.
Much more like Bourne – FBI and the Russians are much smarter and can track them.
Mafia is in a Moscow, working freely
Harry may be working with the FBI, but in the end proves himself
Jake is an angry young man, for obvious reasons, but matures and gets over it. Has to to keep Mary.
So how will maturity save the day? Doesn’t but make him open to love, plus he becomes aware of his surroundings
What is Jean Claude’s motivation?
In the final 3-way confrontation, Jake has his finger over the submit button to transfer all the assets. Mogilevich says if Jake pushes the button, he’ll kill Mary. Jake pushes the button??
Harrry goes through a decision – should he fight to protect his little brother, the dingleberry, or continue their alientation and turn him in.
Every single person in Jake’s world has questionable motives. He can trust no one and must make decisions on his own, resisting pressure from all others.
Plot Choice: #9 Underdog and #13 Maturation/#14 Love. 2 equal plots, not a subplot.
Lead Characters:
Protagonist, Jake: The painfully shy 20ish computer geek who discovers the plot. Underneath he rages at the world
Antagonist, Simeon Mogilevich: Leader of a Russian mafia family with Kremlin connections, plans to use GIs loyal to Mother Russia to gain access to an EMP bomb.
Mary: Geeky girl next door who undertakes a trip of discovery with Jake
Jean Claude: Conspiracy theorist who also joins up with Jake
Harry: Jake’s older brother who provides the muscle and begins by helping the FBI
Protagonist Character Arc: Jake goes from a lonely boy unable to interact with humans on a personal basis and unwilling to let anyone else into his world, to a man willing to take risks on multiple levels to protect his country and save the one person he has finally let into his heart.
Part to be changed: Ability to risk letting anyone into his life
Biggest fear: Being abandoned and hurt again
Completion of arc: Jake matures quickly and ultimately lets Mary into his life and makes difficult choices to protect his country.
Dramatic Question: Can Jake defeat Mogilevich and stop his plan? Can Jake open his heart and find love?
· Where established: By page 10 we’ve seen a potential relationship between Jake and Mary. We’ve also seen Mogilevich seek to discover what Jake’s plan is.
· How does it increase in intensity?: With each confrontation with Mogilevich, he ratches up his pursuit of Jake, finding ever more devious ways to threaten and intimidate.
· Where does the question get answered?: In the climax, Jake goes to Mogilevich’s hideout, confronts and kills him, and rescues Mary.
Main Conflict: Mogilevich aims to kill Jake and put his plan to release the bomb into motion. Jake must find a way to stop him and rescue Mary.
· When does it first show up: when Mogilevich vows revenge for Jake hacking into his social club.
· Ways to express the Main Conflict:
o Jake and gang are caught by the FBI
o The trio run away to Canada after being released, chased by M’s men and head to Jean Claude’s Uncle Louis’s cabin.
o Another set of men sent by M directly, find the trio, kill the uncle.
o With Harry’s help they escape to Uncle Louis’s cabin Le Puy, in the mountains of France, pursued by M’s men
· What brings it to a boiling point:
o M himself arrives in Le Puy, France, exasperated that his men can’t get the job done.
· How is the Main Conflict resolved:
o M kidnaps Mary and holds her for ransom.
o Jake kills M after a standoff over $1B.
Jake’s Dilemma: Will Jake have to choose between his heart and his country?
Theme: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Or in layman’s terms: We can only grow if we open our heart, risk hurt, and make difficult decisions.
Plot in Structure:
Opening Sequence
EXT. CONEY ISLAND SIDEWALK – DAY
Jake eyes glued to the ground, arms wrapped around his laptop, walks past the Tatiana Social Club, and is laughed at and tripped by a goon standing in front of the club. He vows revenge under his breath. This boy seethes with rage.
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
He chats on the dark web with his only pseudo-friend Jean Claude – another geek in Canada. On this night Jake seeks revenge by hacking into The Social Club’s website and emails, discovers millions of dollars’ worth of assets, and sends a ransomware note for $1million. We learn this is what he does “for a living”, sending ransomware to small companies for $3,000 or $4,000, enough to cover his living expenses. He’s a nice ransomware guy – and it keeps him under the FBI’s radar.
Inciting Incident:
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jean Claude calls Jake telling him there’s chatter on the dark web about a Russian mafia kingpin coming after him. Clueless, Jake sees black vans pull up outside, so he grabs his computer and runs out his apartment door.
INT. HALLWAY/MARY’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS
Jake runs into Mary, his doppelgänger (mousy, a bit heavy, geekish, Russian accent) in the hallway, coming in from waitressing third shift at the Social Club, run by her uncle. As men storm up the steps Jake looks Mary in the eye for the first time in the year since they met and asks if he can come in. Always interested in him, she lets him in. Together they watch through the peephole as unknown GI’s storm his apartment and search for him. They in turn are interrupted by the FBI pulling up below. The GIs beat it just in time themselves. The FBI has been watching and listening for weeks re his ransomware attacks. They search his apartment and assume he’s been kidnapped. Jake calls Jean Claude for more info, who convinces him it’s a vast CIA conspiracy. He convinces them to run, and Jean Claude decides to steal his mom’s car and come down to help them escape. Jake calls his estranged brother for advice. Harry, a NYC beat cop. “What do you want Dingleberry?”. After Jake tells him the situation, Harry tells him to go to the police and hangs up. We learn that they are alienated after Harry sided with the parents in kicking Jake out.
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE, NEW YORK – DAY
Agent Terry tries to figure out what happened to Jake. He enlists the help of brother Harry who knows nothing.
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
Mogelevich is pissed that someone has hacked into the Social club as it is used to funnel money to him through its activities in drugs, prostitution, and extortion. He’s more pissed that his men let Jake get away. What does Jake know of their plan? How powerful is this kid? Is it the CIA? He demands Jake be found and brought to him for questioning.
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
They’ll make a run for it tomorrow. But for now, they’re alone. Neither has ever been kissed, so the intimacy is scary. He won’t sleep in her bed, so she sleeps on the LR floor with him. They don’t touch but after Jake is asleep Mary continues looking at him. We don’t know what that means.
By page 10:
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Jean Claude arrives and pushes a conspiracy theory that it’s all a CIA plot. Jake decides to run for it, and the other two agree to go with him, each for their own reasons. Jean Cleade because he likes chasing conspiracy theories; Mary because she’s tired of being alone, plus she is attracted to Jake.INT. CAR – DAY
The Trio is chased by the FBI, and eventually caught. We start to see a transformation in Jake as he stares the agents down and analyzes potential next steps – by himself. This guy is starting to show us how smart he is.
First turning point:
INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE – DAY
Jake, Mary, and Jean Claude meet with Jake’s brother and are then interrogated by the FBI, told they think M is planning some kind of attack based on dark web chatter. They don’t know what. They have a choice: jail time or help them catch M. They agree but
EXT. CAR – DAY
as soon as they are set free, and in response to Jean Claude’s conspiracy stories, they make a run for the Canadian border, closely pursued by a group of Russians in US Army uniforms. They make it across as the Army men break to a stop. They don’t want to expose their movement by going across an international border.
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
M discovers the trio have been talking to the FBI and is furious once again that Jake has escaped. What does he know? He could bring down the entire operation unless they find out what he knows. We learn more of M’s plan and meet his mignons both by his side and embedded in the US military.
Midpoint:
INT. SHABBY CABIN – CANADIAN WILDERNESS – DAY
The trio go to Jean Claude’s uncle’s remote cabin 50 miles north of Quebec, Uncle Louis, also an avid conspiracy theorist, because they don’t know where else to go. Jean Claude’s mother has filed a missing person and theft report. He invites them to his cabin as he’s lonely and loves to talk conspiracy. Jake calls his brother Harry, who again encourages them to come in but admits that the FBI knows almost nothing of the General’s possible plot. Jake logs back into the bank and discovers the details of the plot: to awaken US military members loyal to his cause and give him access to an Electromagnetic Pulse bomb to wipe out communications in the US. Although they have escaped, Jake makes the decision to go back to try and defeat M.
MEANWHILE: Jake and Mary continue to become closer – they talk incessantly, then Mary asks to be held at night. They kiss. Mary and Jean Claude fight constantly, both accusing the other of being in on M’s plot. Both have “evidence”. (1 set was planted). Jake must decide – but not now. Jake wonders who he can trust: Mary? Jean Claude? Harry? Uncle Louis? Each has a history, trait, or incident that makes him suspicious.
Second turning point:
INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS – DAYHarry tells the FBI what Jake has told him about the plot. They don’t believe him. Harry talks to his wife and does some heavy soul searching. We learn why they are estranged. Harry is much older, they never got along, and when Jake was arrested for hacking, he sided with the parents to kick Jake out. In the end he finally decides Jake is the only family he has. He calls Jake and agrees to fly up to help his little brother. FBI is pissed that he’s missing and assume Harry is now in on it.
INT. SHABBY CABIN – NIGHT
The four devise a plan to gather weapons, analyze M’s current strength and location. We see that Jake is now running the show. Mary is impressed. Tensions between Mary and Jean Claude finally come to a head when both show “proof” of the other’s involvement with M’s cause (1 set is planted). There is a 3-way standoff with Jake trying to calm things down. Ultimately, he sides with Mary (we question his motives) and Jake is wounded in the scuffle.
Jake checks his Cayman bank account (he had one!) and finds it frozen! But uncle Louis has money sown in a mattress – enough to fly them to Europe with new passports.
Crisis:
M has discovered where they are; Jake and Jean Claude narrowly escape with Harry’s help. But M successfully kidnaps Mary, flies her to Moscow, and holds her for ransom until Jake turns himself into M and tells him what he knows – and releases his ransomware.
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
M is furious at Svetlana (aka Mary) for not helping him – a fellow Russian loyalist! Mary remains silent. He grabs her and threatens to kill her unless she talks. She confesses her devotion to the plan, but not to killing people.
INT. SHABBY CABIN – DAY
Harry calls two ex-Marine buddies to come help. Harry holds target practice with Jake.
INT. MOSCOW AIRPORT – DAY
Harry, Jean Claude, the two Marines, and Jake fly to Moscow to rescue Mary (weapons are in the luggage). Their plan is to confirm all details and then tell their story to the press. On the plane, Jean Claude convinces Jake he is loyal. (So where does that leave Mary?) As they step from the plane they are immediately arrested. The two Marines are not known about and are ignored.
Climax:
INT. MOGILEVICH’S ESTATE, MOSCOW – DAY
Jake, Harry, and Jean Claude are taken to M where he demands to know what they know, or he will kill Mary. She is now tied up and looking like a captive. Jake is given a computer and told to release the ransomware on the Social Club. Instead, he freezes all $1billion of assets and tells M what he has done. He’ll now have to keep everyone alive if he hopes to get those funds released!
Meanwhile the two Marines have snuck onto the outside patio, killing 3 guards. They come through the glass doors, tossing Jake and Harry a rifle. (M does not have more protection because he’s in Moscow for goodness sake!) M pulls a gun and is killed by Jake.
Resolution:
INT. AMERICAN EMBASSY – DAY
The group of six hold a press conference at the embassy, revealing the extent of M’s evil plans. Jake and Mary hug for real this time, kiss tenderly, but as the credits roll and the couple continue their hug, there is an evil glint in her eye. She is still intent on completing M’s vision!!
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Jim Peacock: Okay, let’s critique each other’s V3. In case we need to check something, you can also reach me at GLGUENTHER@Yahoo.com
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