-
Day 12 Assignment
Reply to post your assignment.
-
17 Replies
-
Kathryn Gives Great Clues
I learned that I had actually been doing this all along, which is a good thing, I hope 🙂
STRUCTURE FOR MR & MRS AMERCIA
OPENING:
-Max visits his wife’s grave, then gets a call from her, on the watch she gave him!
Mass of people come to campaign rally, and drop down dead!
-will the ambulance come in time?
wife is in the crowd! Can he get to her?
-Dr. S says he’ll take care of her, but she leaves alone
-Emily goes home—plugs herself in, and is fine! Says he’ll be a great president
-people are getting sick right and left, linked to an uncontrolled viral infection
-when people go home, Alexa’s are effected, etc.
-virus came from good dr.’s lab
Max’s campaign manager is staunch
-Emily can’t remember details prior to cancer, he goes to meet her at a restaurant and she isn’t there. Max goes to his wife’s grave
-people are seemingly better after a week
-Good Dr. demands investigation into why, says he received a death threat
-Good Dr. Only uses AI staff, for safety with a hazmat suit
-Main “human party” candidate becomes the front runner
-Max is threatened by the opponent
-Max’s car is tailed the night of the announcement
INCITING INCIDENT: Max gets in a car crash.
-the funeral for the drunk driver has no attendees, but Dr. S, man was a war vet/amputee
-wakes up with/comforted by Emily, flashing lights, no memory; (Emily is in a Dr.’s coat—maybe flash to this later)
-rehab clinic is very secretive
-the rehab building is half blocked off for “construction”
-Pres uses rehab clinic alongside prosthetic uses with AI limbs
-good Dr can’t fix his headaches
-Dr. S treats his pounding headaches
-the front runner dies (of the virus)
-(Original Emily was a physical therapist)
-campaign manager has a sick daughter, Max tells him the truth about Emily in private
-everyone who was treated is banned from voting…possibly anyone to come into contact with them
-cancer research center is shut down by investigators
-clinic has been funded by the opposing party
-target physical therapists for virus
-leaked to the press that Emily is AI, he denies
his house is targeted, and the clinic, death threats
Campaign manager meet the Dr., hands him paperwork,
TURNING POINT 1: Emily is arrested.
Max prepares to resign,
-alter voting polls, polls sky-rocket
-people get virus passports, all people who’ve been sick, vote one way!
Emily is having an affair with Dr. S
-Emily is the only person who’s worked there before, and after: show’s Max good Dr.’s work
-Pres finds surveillance attached to his watch
-Dr. S tells him The virus Emily died of is the mother of the ones killing everyone
he misses a check up and is followed
Max becomes president
-virus has mutated since used on original Emily
-Max finds a note in Emily’s diary (that he keeps himself) saying she was in a car accident but remembers nothing, and that her arm is sore, and she found a sticker with a number
-virus injection site is the arm!
-Good Dr is murdered
-the drunk driver was Emily’s first patient, after her death
-Dr. S finds viral map in Good Dr’s office
-Pres says anyone found supporting AI will be thrown in jail (or Max does?)
Max pulls over car following him—
-there is no one in the car following him
-car is run by AI
Max leaves his “watch” in his car, then goes back in—he sees Emily put a body in the car?
-the man was in rehab with him!
-Max looks at the man’s DL
-the man voted for him!
-car blows up
-As the man passes out, he says he hates the man for running against AI
-Max runs the DL, the man has no family
Emily and Max standing in street—shooter aims at Max, Emily throws herself on them, they hug—who is shot
Emily calls AI ambulance, she is shot, fixes herself
-they have to go to the lab, the ambulance is tracked
MIDPOINT: Max’s brain is in a robot body.
-he goes underground, under wife’s grave, to lab
-there is a crematorium in the lab
-He takes some ash to run for DNA
He is threatened with a Supreme Court case
-Max sees the same man from the crash in the crowd!
-All the AI PT’s had previous lives with no family, and, all know voted for him
-The ash was the same DNA as one of the “living” AI”s! -The original woman was dying of cancer, and treated the same time as Emily.
TURNING POINT 2: The brain is dying, Max collapses during state of the union.
-Max’s headaches make him blackout, Emily gives him a reboot, takes herself off the grid
-Max has extreme clarity, then everything goes black
-Dr. S comes to treat Pres right away himself and Emily refuses
-the person in the car crash was reported dead two months earlier
Dr turns Emily off, but she is off the grid—he sends all workers to locate her
-Dr. S says he can reverse the decline, apologies for Emily, and will shut her off
Emily breaks into code room with master controls
-Emily finds a missing vile, and sticks it in her pocket (matching number)
Dr. is about to administer life saving operation
AI turn on Dr S
-Emily infects the Dr and changes his “profile” with someone else
CLIMAX: Emily kills Dr. S and tells Max to turn her off.
-the Dr “kills himself”
-power in the clinic goes out. Dr. is dead, everyone else (except Emily) is “off”
-Emily tells the Pres his brain is in the body of a robot, but it’s dying, he has a choice, does he become full AI or die?
-Emily turns off the master controls, shows they were controlled by Dr. S
AI wait to see if Max will keep them alive
RESOLUTION: Max decides to become a full robot. Address the public as if he were human and funds the viral research. “the people are safe”
-Max sends politicians with virus to health conference w/officials in…Russia?
-
Cremation destroys DNA.
-
Hi Kathryn:
This plot line might work better as a television series as it reminds me of the Westworld series. Your story has lots of twists and turns (the DNA issue notwithstanding).
-
Yeah Kathryn. I love setting up clues and am familiar how they work. What I got from this lesson was the simple process of writing down by hand the reveal, then writing down in order the clues to see if together to get the big “ah-ha – I should have guessed that moment at the end.” Turns out after this process – there are many places where I am clueless!!
-
-
Subject Line: Roscoe – Gives Great Clues.
“What I learned is…?” The covert clues can keep audience interested. I have only 4 Clues. 2 Overt and 2 Covert. I’m still brain storming Covert Clues… I LOVE THIS.!!
OPENING: A Navajo family is killed by a Skinwalker/Witch.
What is a skinwalker/witch? Why did the skinwalker kill the family?
INCITING INCIDENT: Tribal Cop is called into investigate Navajo deaths. Off the Indian Reservation.
Why are animal tracks larger than normal at crime scene?
OVERT CLUE: Stephen and Partner assume the tracks are from a skinwalker. This family clan might have an enemy.
CURRENT DIRECTION: Can tribal cop Stephen explain these deaths as spiritual in nature?
TWIST: A fearful, County Sheriff, says there is no money to help Stephen investigate. He’s on his own.
TURNING POINT 1: Stephen goes to home of his Navajo ex-wife Gabby.
COVERT CLUE: Stephen and partner over-hear Gabby on her iPhone. She’s arguing with aunt Kathy about grandmother.
MIS-TRUST: Stephen divorced Gabby because of her infidelity.
TRUST: Gabby never lied about her Navajo traditions. She knows a skinwalker is after her.
Why does the skinwalker follow Stephen? How come the skinwalker shape-shifts into a black wolf?
CURRENT DIRECTION: Why does wolf stop at the cedar ash circle around Gabby’s home?
TWIST: Gabby stands inside that circle and the wolf won’t cross it. She is protected.
CURRENT DIRECTION: The skinwalker attacks Stephen’s truck.
TWIST: Stephen’s cop partner shoots the skinwalker who disappears into dust.
Gabby wasn’t inside the car crash that killed her family.
MIDPOINT: Stephen interviews Gabby’s uncle Jack.
OVERT CLUE: Jack tells Stephen and partner that there is supposed to be a family meeting. It’s about Gabby’s mother who was killed.
TRUST: Stephen always respected Gabby’s uncle Jack. The in-law supported Stephen in his divorce.
MIS-TRUST: Stephen believes Jack is lying to him for some reason.
Why does Gabby’s aunt Kathy attend a skinwalker meeting? Gabby then disappears.
CURRENT DIRECTION: Why does aunt Kathy threaten Stephen and Gabby?
TWIST: Aunt Kathy admits if she had the chance to kill Gabby. She would.
COVERT CLUE: Gabby sits in her car and finishes talking to a powerful lawyer.
Why does Gabby visit a Navajo grandmother?
MIS-TRUST: Gabby never trusted anyone but her own dead grandmother.
TRUST: Gabby discovers an elder grandmother who helps her with this skinwalker.
CURRENT DIRECTION: Skinwalker catches up to Gabby.
TWIST: Skinwalker shape shifts into wolves and they kill Gabby’s close friend.
TURNING POINT 2: Stephen protects Gabby.
Why does Stephen and partner argue about why skinwalker is after her? Why does Stephen go to a modern Shaman? What did a gun shop owner give Stephen?
MIS-TRUST: Stephen never believed in any kind of shaman.
TRUST: A female shaman sends Stephen in the right direction concerning this skinwalker.
Climax: Stephen and Gabby fight against the skinwalker.
Resolution: The skinwalker is finally killed.
-
Yeah Roscoe! I too am getting a BIG CLUE about clues!
just a thought: the below might be both an overt clue and covert clue.
OVERT CLUE: Jack tells Stephen and partner that there is supposed to be a family meeting. It’s about Gabby’s mother who was killed.
-
-
Subject line: Larry Gives Great Clues!
What I learned is that by creating a ring trail for each mystery I could see whether there were sufficient clues to solve each mystery in the end. I also saw that the logical progression of the clues was important to lead to a reasonable end.
List out the three or four main
mysteries in your story.There are numerous mysteries throughout. Some right at the beginning and not resoled until the end and others come in part way and are solved with in the story. They are all intertwined, of course.
Plotline: A ring of pedophiles operating in Chicago during the early 1960’s has hired a psychopath to procure pictures of children then dispatch them to the “great beyond” although all victims are officially noted as missing as no bodies have been found and as all children were from the South side (a poor part of the city) therefore given low priority status. This arrangement has been going on for several years. The story kicks off when a victim’s body is discovered. Then a teacher is arrested, tried and found guilty.
Create a list of clues for each
of the main mysteries in your story.
Decide which clues you want to
use and sequence those into clue trails for each mysteryMystery #1: Who is in the Ring? There are three in the Ring. There is one big clue that will identify each member; a large signet ring. This ring is shown in an early scene to identify there is a ring in existence, but the person wearing it is not shown.
In order of revelation:
1. The Court Judge
· Railroads trial by allowing evidence that points to guilt of teacher and strikes any that might exonerate teacher
· At end of trial, the judge bangs his gavel (close-up: signet ring on finger)
2. The Principal
· Fondly fondles children
· Lines up victims for psychopath
· Tells psychopath of detective’s son (who will be used for bait to trap and kill Hero)
· Signet ring shown on finger
3. Police Chief
· Directs initial investigation against teacher: “close case – or else!”
· Insists all details of the trial be reported to him
· Sits in on teacher trial
· Directs Hero to stop post-teacher-trial investigation
· Kills psychopath
· Signet ring shown on finger
Two Ring red herrings (just to keep the audience guessing)
Red herring #1 – The Police Station Captain
· He promotes the Hero to a high-profile homicide case, even though the Hero has never handled one
· He assigns another detective (a friend of the Hero) to shadow the Hero to “oversee” his work, but does not tell the Hero
· He downplays the first attempt on the Hero’s life by the psychopath
· After a sniper shoots at the Hero, the Captain leads the charge to a rooftop where he finds shell casings and just pockets them
· When the Hero looks over the edge of the roof, the Captain approaches from behind and appears about to shove Hero over
· Provided a bullet-proof vest which saves life of Hero, proving he’s a good guy
Red herring #2 – Hero’s friend
· Friend assigned to shadow Hero, but does not mention this role he has
· Possible witness gives details of an assault when he was a boy, the details rendered into a police sketch; the friend takes picture and “mislays it”
· Takes witness out of police station
· Provides key observation about pattern of missing children which leads to psychopath’s identity, proving he’s a good guy
Mystery #2: Is the teacher really guilty?
· Protests innocence (don’t they all)
· Trial clearly railroaded
· New evidence shows up suggesting he is not the killer
· Photos, used as evidence against him, found at real killer’s home
Mystery #3: (a) Why are people trying to stymie the post-teacher-trial investigation?
(b) Why are there attacks on the Hero and who is behind them?
· Throughout Acts 2 and 3, there is progression of attempts to dissuade the Hero from continuing his investigation, progressing from verbal treats to attempts on his life.
Mystery #4: (a) Who killed the child? (b) What happened to the “missing” children?
The Arch-villain – the School Superintendent
· There is a double entendre: “special project” initially means a special project wherein the Superintendent showcases outstanding students; later it signifies students that may become victims of the Ring
· His hobby: photography; seen carrying a camera with him
· Likes children: “student success oriented”
· Superintendent ingratiates himself into the teacher investigation and gives false testimony during trial
· Lies about different posting locations he has had within the school board district.
Add the clue trails to your
Thriller Map.
Give us the latest version of
your Thriller Map.Sorry, but this has become way too complicated and intertwined to chunk it into a map framework.
HELP: I am in a quandary. I am not sure whether to identify the Ring members as the story goes along (via showing of the signet ring) at different points OR wait for the grand finale in the final scene when we see the three Ring members, each displaying the ring on their respective fingers. Any input would be appreciated.
-
Maybe the signet ring shouldn’t be the symbol that they’re in a ring? I think the reveal of the signet is a problem because hands (and the ring) are body parts that are clearly visible. A pendant (that could be worn on a necklace, bracelet, etc.) is less obvious. But at the same time, I wonder why these ring members would want to ID themselves by wearing a common item.
-
Hi Jeff:
Thanks for your reply. I did see the ring visibility as an issue which is why I changed the superintendent from a ring member to a hired hand. I was thinking the signet ring could be something like a class ring showing that the pedophiles had met together at the same school and therefore each would have one (that was my original backstory to the group, but I was still trying to figure out how to work that part into the script) or it could be the symbol of a “secret society.” Once the audience twigs in on the ring as a pedophile signifier it would be on the lookout for anyone wearing a ring. Towards the end of the story, we find out there is a secret compartment in the ring that holds a cyanide pill, a very 1960’s way to do one’s self in – or others. The police chief will deploy it when he meets the psychopath in the police station, opens the secret compartment and slips a pill into the psychopath’s coffee to kill him and prevent him from possibly revealing the existence of the secret society. (SPOILER ALERT: The Chief, alone with the killer and having administered the pill, quickly leaves so as not to appear to have given the pill (plausible deniability) but the detective finds the dying guy who mumbles something in the ear of the detective who has bent over trying to resuscitate him. This is the second last scene. Last scene: the ring is in a meeting in the judge’s chambers, feeling secure that its secret is safe. There is a knock on the door. It is the detective. The ring compartments snap open and little pills are visible.( And it ain’t aspirin.) The three ring members are really not on camera all that often. The hiding of the ring would depend on camera angles during the course of the shooting of the film (director’s problem). The rings become bread crumb clues leading to the final revelation of the group as a whole. I was also working on the double entrendre of a ring wearing rings in a symbolic way.
But you raise a valid point and it would be easier for the director and camera guy to not have signet rings to deal with. Tattoos could work, but their prevalence is more 2000’s than 1960’s. The backstory would be that they peds met in the navy, where tattoos would be most common. I certainly have some loose ends to fix. Anyways this script is a work-in-progress, n’est pas?
Thanks again.
Larry
-
I think it’s a stretch that a dying guy could mumble anything of value after being poisoned by cyanide. But the idea works if the audience doesn’t know exactly what the poison is. The whole concept of pedophiles is creepy and I hope they all die! I don’t know much about the topic of pedophiles, but I see that there are symbols for various preferences (e.g. blue spiral triangle for boys, pink spiral heart for girls) and that some of these symbols have been found on toys! Perhaps you could use these types of symbols to differentiate each creep. They all have a signet ring, but each is slightly different as it bears his preference. This way you don’t really need to hide the ring from the audience.
-
-
-
Love your explanation of ring trails for clues Larry!!!! THANKS!
-
-
Kathy Gives Great Clues!
“What I learned is I have clues built in. ”
OC = overt clue
CC = covert clue
1. The first scene shows Ben’s ex-wife, Betsy Conner, in a wheelchair at the airport, checking in for a flight to Portugal. We see her name on her passport. She tells both the gate agent and Simone that she is not coming back. (OC) She has a cast on her left leg. On the way to security, she drops her passport and Simone, who is there to greet Ben, picks it up. Simone doesn’t see her name on the passport.
2. Ben, a business associate, charms Simone into having dinner with him.
3. Ben takes her to the botanic garden.
4. Ben looks at her house, an expansive MCM on a big lot worth over a million.
5. He takes Simone and her son Josh to a nice Italian restaurant.
6. 6 months later he proposes and she accepts. ( inciting incident) (CC)
7. He has her sign a pre-nup. He tells Simone it’s about his business but he has added a sentence that says if she dies before Josh is 18, then Ben gets the house so he can care for him. (CC)
8. On the honeymoon, Simone finds a cryptic note of Ben’s, “call M about closing”. (CC) Ben says it’s nothing but it is a note about a past house closing that he did with Marcie.
9. Josh thinks Ben is buttering him up since he is always so nice.
10. Simone talks to her friend Beth about finding a mortgage statement. Ben and Betsy Conner are on the loan. Simone knows that Ben lied to her about the closing. (OC)
11. Ben and Simone have a fight. (CC)
12. Ben secretly rips up her will. (OC)
13. They go to Thanksgiving dinner at his cousin Emily’s who tells Simone that Ben was a bully as a child and had 2 short previous marriages. Two marriages and 2 divorces in 2 years. ( turning point one, a major twist) (OC)
14. They talk about taxes. Simone kneels at his feet. Ben says he will pay them.
15. They go to a convention on the Ga. coast. Simone is tired so she goes to sleep. Ben meets Marcie, his lover, who tells Ben that she will take care of Simone. ( page 36) (OC)
16. Marcie hits Simone with a metal tennis racquet. Simone falls, has a concussion, needs stitches, remembers nothing. (OC)
17. Back home, Ben leaves and doesn’t give Simone any money.
18. Beth suggests that Simone investigate Ben.
19. Simone drives to Savannah and surprises Ben in his office. He scrambles to hide Marcie’s photo. After Simone leaves, he calls Marcie and tells her to get her stuff out of his condo.
20. Beth finds the ex-wives, calls Simone. Simone finds out that Ben lied to her. His first wife didn’t die. She is the lady in a wheelchair that Simone met at the airport. (pg.48) (OC)
21. In Ben’s condo, Simone finds a gun. Ben aims it at her and pulls the trigger. It isn’t loaded. He scares her.
22. While Simone sleeps, Ben meets Marcie. He tells her about the pre-nup. Marcie says Simone could be in an accident. (CC)
23. Simone wakes up, rummages through Ben’s desk, takes 2 CD’s. Simone tours Savannah the next day. Tells Beth she found 2 CD’s.
(added another scene where Ben loosens the bolts on Simone’s car. Car goes off the road on the way home. (CC) Simone OK, thinks the mechanic accidentally didn’t tighten the bolts at her last wheel alignment.)
24. Back home, Beth opens the CD’s. They find AmEx bills for expensive restaurants, women’s phone numbers and pictures of their houses. The women think that Ben has been having many affairs. (midpoint: A major revelation. The opposition is 10 times worse than thought.) (OC)
25. Simone cuts up Ben’s clothes.
26. Simone and Beth call a woman’s number. Rhonda Stevens tells them that Ben tried to get her house as a wedding present. (OC)
27. They call Ben’s ex-wife, Nancy Edwards, who lives in Atlanta. They drive to her house. Nancy tells them that Ben conned her out of her house and threatened her father. (OC)
28. Beth says Ben has 2 personalities and needs a doctor.
29. Simone and Beth confront Ben, tell him they know about his women, tell him he goes to therapy or Simone divorces him.
30. Marcie tells Ben that she has a plan that will speed things up. (CC)
31. Ben and Simone argue in the therapist’s office. Ben apologizes to Simone.
32. Montage of Ben and Simone sleeping apart, talking to the therapist.
33. A month later, a car, driven by a woman in a red dress, grazes Simone. (TURNING POINT 2: Major setback, lowest of the low, pg. 70) Beth meets her in the hospital. Simone tells Beth she saw a woman driving who wore a red dress. The detective says the car was stolen, is registered to a man in Atlanta. (CC)
34. Ben takes Simone to a fancy restaurant and apologizes. Says all the women were before her and that he loves her. (CC)
35. Simone tells Beth that the car was stolen and hasn’t been found yet. She says Ben is a changed man, he’s putting money into their account, that Ben’s wife Betsy was crazy. Wife #2 Nancy lied to get back at him and her dad wasn’t threatened, he says crazy stuff, has Altzheimers.
36. Ben wants Simone to visit him in Savannah. Beth is worried. Simone says, “It’s a tour? What could go wrong?”
37. Simone, without a cast, meets Ben at the Savannah airport. He calls Marcie, tells her the cast is gone. She says she’ll deal with Simone.(CC)
38. Ben tells Simone that the boat is not a tour boat, it is a friend’s boat. He doesn’t tell her Marcie is the owner.
39. At the marina, Simone sees “HASHTAG”, a 35 foot sailboat with a mast, 7 small windows, a deck with benches, and a large wooden wheel for steering. A hatch leads to the main cabin. Chrome railing encircles the vessel. On board, Simone meets Marcie, who Ben introduces as a colleague. Marcie says, “I’m sure we’ll become great friends“, which is a lie.
40. They cast off and motor into the Wilmington River. Simone goes into the cabin, calls Beth, tells her she is not on a tour, is sailing to St. Simons Island, and Marcie is on the boat. Beth is worried, tells Simone to call her when she gets to St. Simons.
41. Ben hoists the mainsail up. When it is full of wind, Marcie spins the wheel. The sail deflates. Ben swings the boom and the boat veers to the left. Simone screams, grabbing the railing as she falls. The boom narrowly misses her head. (OC) Ben secures the boom rigging to a cleat, says “nice jibe,” to Marcie.
42. Simone goes into the cabin, finds a first aid kit, bandages her knee, sips a beer, finds a gun in a cabinet. Looks in a bin, finds makeup, a bra, panties, and a red dress, looks in another bin, finds a logbook for the boat, opens it, Marcie’s name is on the first page as the owner. (OC)
43. Simone calls Beth but no answer. Simone goes up to the deck. Waits for sunset.
44. Simone goes back into the cabin, calls Beth, tells her that Marcie owns the boat and spun the wheel, almost knocking her down. Beth says to get off the boat asap, doesn’t trust either Ben or Marcie.(CC)
45. After dinner Ben walks off with Marcie, who wears a red dress, leaving Simone alone to shop.
46. Back on the boat, Simone drops her shopping bags and calls Beth who says she is nervous about the gun, asks “who owns it?” Simone agrees to get a hotel room.
47. Simone packs her bag and sees that the gun is missing. She’s looking for it as Ben and Marcie stagger onto the deck. Ben comes into the cabin. (start of the CLIMAX) He’s drunk, starts a fight, binds Simone’s hands, socks her. She plays dead. (OC)
48. He grabs her cell and goes up the steps. Back on the deck, he tosses her phone overboard. Ben starts releasing the lines. Marcie’s afraid of getting caught. Ben starts the engine and they move away from the dock. He stomps back downstairs to the cabin.
49. Simone plays dead. Ben and Marcie head to the bedroom and shut the door. Simone tries to free her hands then heads up to the deck.
50. Simone elbows the hatch doors shut. She spots the tackle box, kneels, turns around on her knees, and fingers the lock. It pops open. She fingers a knife and uses it to slowly cut the rope around her wrists. It parts. She puts the metal crab net through the doors.
51. Simone turns to the radio next to the wheel, talks to the marine operator who tells her to turn on the running lights. She does. A white light from the mast spotlights the boat. A green light is on the right side and a red light is on the left side. A white stern light illuminates the water around the rear platform.
52. Ben notices the lights. As he kicks the doors, Simone says, “Operator, help. My husband is trying to kill me. There’s a gun on the boat…….somewhere.” (OC)
53. Intercut between Ben and Simone. He sees her through a hatch, and starts shooting. She’s talking to the marine operator but has to drop the microphone and run.
54. Simone climbs above the door as Ben shoots through the crab net handle. It splits and he opens the doors. She conks him on the head with a fire extinguisher and he falls back into the cabin onto Marcie.
55. The fire extinguisher rolls off the deck, through the railing, and disappears into the sea. (CC)
56. Simone shuts the doors again. She grabs a padlock from the tackle box and padlocks the doors.
57. She calls the marine operator again. The Coast Guard will be there in 10 min. Simone says, “I could be dead by then.” (CC)
58. Marcie shoots through the doors. Simone climbs to the bow. Marcie sees her, tells her Ben wants to apologize. Simone says, “I know you own the boat.” Marcie says the CG isn’t coming.
59. Simone calls the marine operator again, “send the CG”.
60. Shots come through the cabin doors. One grazes Simone, hitting in her left calf. Blood pours down her leg.
61. Ben’s head pops through the ceiling hatch. He sees Simone and shoots through the doors again, hitting the radio, which smolders. Simone climbs back on the deck. The radio is on fire. (OC)
62. Marcie sees the fire. Simone, toward the bow, turns, creeps back to the open hatch, and kicks the back of Marcie’s head, forcing her inside, then closes the hatch and stands on it. Shots go through the ceiling hatch. Simone jumps back. The hatch pops open.
63. Ben aims the gun at Simone, tells her to open the doors. She ducks in front of the doors where he can’t see her, spots the tackle box, grabs a big wrench, leaps up, and hits Ben on the head with the wrench.
64. Ben, gun in hand, falls into the cabin on top of Marcie. The gun hits her head. Both lie in a pile on the cabin floor.
65. Flames reach a canvas tarp covering the narrow deck under the starboard railing. The canvas catches on fire and the flames spread along the right side. Simone opens a storage box to the left of the cabin doors. She grabs a towel and tries to put out the flames but the towel catches on fire so she throws it overboard. A coil of rope on the deck catches fire. (OC)
66. Simone backs away from the flames and climbs onto the cabin roof. She walks along the railing until she is at the bow.
67. The flames along the tarp grow higher.
68. The mainsail edge blackens, smolders, then catches fire. (OC)
69. Simone holds onto the bow railing and stares into the depths. “I love you Josh.”
70. The CG arrives and extinguishes the flames. Ben and Marcie are handcuffed. The sailboat is towed to shore. The duo are jailed.
71. They go in front of a judge. Marcie confesses, “He was gonna con her out of her house like his other wives.” The judge tells Ben, “You gave your wife a passport to peril.”
72. On an airliner, Simone sits next to a handsome French man. Two glasses of red wine are on the tray between them. “I divorced Ben a year ago. It’s taken this long to sell his condos. Versailles first or maybe the Louvre?” The man speaks, “Both are national treasures.” Simone: “My grandmother named me. She grew up on Guadeloupe and always wanted me to see Paris.” Man, “I’d love to see the Louvre again. I’m free on Friday.” She sips her wine and laughs. “Friday will be perfect.”
73. CLOSE ON: A PASSPORT STICKING OUT OF HER BAG.
-
Michael Williamsen #12 Clue Trails WIL I really like defining clues vs. other setups. First half of Act II really needs some work, which until today didn’t even exist. Great opportunity to build in some covert clues especially mis-leading clues!
VILLAIN’S PLAN. Narcissist Attorney Bob will do anything to build and protect to become the biggest human and sex trafficking organization.
HERO Sheriff Mike’s ex-wife rookie reporter Victoria, dating the Villain. Must maintain “everyone’s sweetheart” image while manipulating them all to save her daughter and the kidnapped children
RED HERRING Sheriff Mike, alcoholic, dying of prostate cancer, in re-election for sheriff, will stop at nothing to save his daughter.
—–
OPENING
A man is killed in an alley with a knife and ziptie around his neck. ZiP!
CLUE Overt
Sheriff Mike is the investigator of the kidnappings. He is investigating a murder. Victoria is a reporter at the crime scene of the man killed with the Ziptie.
CLUE Overt – Victoria is at odds with ex Mike
Mike and Villain Bob have a nasty encounter of front of Mike’s ex-wife Victoria. Victoria shows affection to both Mike’s driver as well as Villain Bob’s driver.
CLUES: Overt: Victoria has affection for villain Bob
CLUE: Covert but appears Overt: Lucy shows affection for Bob
CLUE: Covert: Mexican flag irritates Bob
We see a killing which end with kidnapping suspect with a ziptie around his neck. ZiP!
We see kidnappings.
More killings lead to suspicion of a serial killer. Another ziptie.
CLUE Overt – killings are a serial killer with signature ziptie
CLUE COVERT – This is starting to look like a serial killing
We see thugs taking children from border-crossing cages.
CLUE Overt – kidnappings are escalating
The Villain Bob and sheriff Mike get in a finger pistol shootout in Mike’s office.
CLUE Overt – 10 most wanted posters on wall show Mike is on his trail
CLUE Covert – they will actually face off with guns in the end
Victoria is in Mike’s and her big house talking on the phone about the mortgage. She is cleaning a large windowless basement area sealed by a vault door. It is filled with guns, other weapons, bullet loading machines. She suggests selling the guns.
CLUE: Covert: Victoria has enough guns to launch an army against the kidnappers.
INCITING INCIDENT
Mike’s daughter disappears. (turn into INCITING INCEDENT??)
Sheriff Mike and Victoria’s daughter disappear
Victoria accuses Sheriff Mike of taking their daughter turning her against him
Cover up: Victoria blames Mike.
The Mayor is bribed to join the kidnappers. He says: “what do we do with Mike”
REVEAL: Mayor betrays Mike
CLUE: Overt Mayor realizes they need to get rid of Mike
Serial killings and kidnappings escalate.
Sheriff Mike finds out he has terminal Prostate Cancer
END OF ACT I – we know what the story is about
TURNING POINT ACT II
MIDPOINT (middle of Act II)
Victoria exposes evidence Bob the Villain is the kidnapping ringleader is really Villain.
CLUE: Overt Victoria shows Mike evidence
REVEAL: Bob is behind the kidnapping
Sheriff Mike gives evidence to his mis-trusted friend Mayor.
REVEAL: MAYOR HAS ALREADY BETRAYED MIKE
Victoria discovers Deputy driver dan has kidnapper evidence and a few guns in his apartment. Dan says he doesn’t have enough guns and ammo.
REVEAL Deputy Dan is doing private investigation on kidnappers
CLUE Covert Dan is mounting the gangster army to wipe out kidnapping ring
CLUE Covert – Victoria now has a purpose for the guns in her house vault
Sheriff Mike’s good friend Police Chief is killed.
School buses of children are kidnapped during Police Chief’s funeral.
Mike’s driver Deputy Dan fixes Victoria’s purse with a ziptie. Zip!
CLUE: All now have reason to suspect the other in the serial killings
TURNING POINT 2 all hope lost for the hero and red-herring
Victoria is in bed with Mike.
CLUE Overt (but Covert in her intentions) Victoria has forgiven Mike and is back with him
CLUE: Victoria is using Mike to build army to save children
Mike is arrested and charged with being the kidnapper and the serial killer.
Victoria escapes even before Mike tells her about the escape door
CLUE: Covert – Victoria knew about the secret room and the arrest before
CLUE Covert – she took the guns, obviously some time before
The villains’ driver Joe helps Mike escape into the Mexican Ghetto – with a tracker.
REVEAL/OVERT CLUE (and also covert clue) Driver Joe is betraying his boss Bob’s trust but he is actually helping Mike
Deputy Dan tells of Mike’s military medals in Mike’s office – one is a sniper medal. Deputy Dan looks out the window and is shot in the head by a sniper.
REVEAL/overt clue – Mike is alive and on a killing rampage
CLUE covert – Mike is in hiding supported by Mexican gangsters
CLIMAX
The tracking device leads Villain to Mike at a coffee shop
CLUE Covert/Overt -Joe is leading Bob to Mike. Joe knows gangsters will be waiting to kill Bob
REVEAL: Joe is working for either Bob or Mike
Coverup – he appears faithful to Bob, helps Mike escape – at Bob’s direction, he brings Mike to a different and safe place
The Mexican Ghetto shows their strength by rescuing their children and killing all the kidnappers.
Mike and Villain meet face to face in the coffee shop Both stating their intentions to kill each other.
REVEAL: Bob betrays himself trusting his arrogance to keep him alive
CLUE overt – Bob admits he took Lucy
CLUE overt/Covert – Mike sees thugs ready to kill him in alley-doesn’t know Joe and gangster are soon to kill thugs and Bob.
Villain Bob shoots Mike.
Villain Bob encounters Mexican Gangsters with switch blades in the back alley.
. (at this point, we really don’t know who the ziptie strangler is. I could pin it on the Mexican Gangsters by them using the Ziptie but am preferring to leave it open.)
CLUE overt – Mayor investigates Victoria’s house to find an empty weapons vault, gets blown up. clue to where the Mexican Gangsters got weapons
REVEAL: Mayor faces his sins.
RESOLUTION
Villain’s driver, Mike’s ex-wife, and daughter meet on the beach in Mexico.
CLUE overt- Victoria and Joe are related and working together all along
Ex-wife has a zip-tie holding her purse together. They exchange startled stares. She pulls it off. Zip!
REVEAL: Villain’s driver Joe and Hero Victoria may have had more to do with ending the kidnapping ring and saving the children than we thought betraying the trust we the viewers had these were the good guys!
-
Melanie Gives Great Clues
What I learned was how to weave a realistic clue trail in the through line and the necessity to plot how the clues are revealed before you actually write the script. Planning is key!
Mysteries of Story:
1) Was the woman caller killed in the beginning? And, if so, who did it?
Her house was the only one on the block with a power outage.
In her last call she was screaming, yelling at an “intruder.”
On playback of the 911 call – and there’s a specific thumping sound on wood flooring.
She was found dead at the bottom of the stairs.
Neighbors heard a loud fight.
Hugo is revealed in the last scene as her husband and killer.
2) Was this dead woman seeing Vivienne’s ex-husband, Danny?
She is a blonde – his type.
She has a receipt to a restaurant that Vivienne used to frequent with Danny.
Danny’s car make/model was identified on that street the night of her murder.
At the end, when Danny saves Vivienne at the hands of Hugo, and Hugo recognizes Danny for having an affair with the blonde woman (Hugo’s wife).
3) Who tried to kill Vivienne’s best friend?
Same power outage pretense.
She also ended up at the bottom of the stairs – but she was still alive.
On playback of the 911 call, there’s the same thumping sound behind her.
Danny’s phone number appears as a recent call on her best friend’s cell phone.
When Vivienne goes to rescue her daughter, Natalie recognizes Hugo as driving by the house when she at the sleepover that night.
-
FARM MURDERS:
OPENING:
Woman backing out of Barn at night – shock at discovering something, then heading out quick to the road – soon 3 HOODED GUYS with voice devices on, follow her – she runs, they chase after. When they get too close the Lead Hooded one says to fall back. “Give her a chance.” They wait for her to get to another farm and in the middle of the field they hit her over the head, she lands face down. They rub her face in the farm dirt – then slam her face into it – she is unconscious when a Thrasher approaches – only feet away she awakes to see it upon her and SCREAMS.
TWIST: At the end of the script we see that the Thrasher was to scare the Hooded Guys away and the woman – Tang’s Mom is still alive!!
At College: Tang refuses to tell her college friends of her home life.
TWIST: Friends ask him for his “dead name” at least. He says “That’s why I’m never going back – because “Tina” will always be alive there.”
Reveal Tang is a FBI WANNABE: Tang and friends discuss now weeks away from her double-major that his eyes are set on getting into the FBI.
INCITING INCIDENT: TANG, in last week of College, gets call to come home as the woman who died was her Mom.
Tang goes home to grieve and wants to comfort and get comfort from his dad, grieving hard but stoically.
TWIST: He turns away from his only child.
Reveal TINA: IN THE GYM where a memorial for Mom – cuz she assistant coached the HS sports and it’s the biggest place in the town to have all who loved her.
REVEAL that Tang used to be TINA – the best soccer player she had to place on the men’s team. Behind the Glass is her picture and top scorer in the mid-west.
Tang Has to assert himself to get medical and coroners report. Coroner says nothing suspicious – she’s the only one to work the thrasher on the farm and must of hit something and shot out in front of it and got run over.
TWIST: Farm folk call her TINA and so he uses it to threaten them: “I killed Tina so what do you think I’ll do to you if you don’t give me what I have a legal right to possess?!”
MISDIRECTION: Dialogue: A Young MAN, we’ll known him later as BUBBA, yells out “I killed your Mom so what do you think about that?!” And runs off before he can be recognized..
Finds comfort with Phil and a Girl she had a HS crush on like her as a “Him.”
Tang goes home and his Dad, in a wheelchair, won’t talk to him. Turns his back on his only child.
Prejudices from townsfolk who knew him as female. Specially from an old HS guy BUBBA:
TWIST: They call him TINA a lot and it builds that finally he yells at one of them – “My name is Tang! Tang, got it??” Guy says “Well, that’s the stupidest name ever.” TANG: “Okay, what’s your name?” GUY: “Bubba.” TANG: “Members of the jury, I rest my case.” (Tang recognizes the sound of his voice from outside the coroners office the day before)
TWIST: Another Guy threatens him with a shotgun he grabs from the cab of his beat-up truck. Tang uses his defense training to easily take the weapon from him and shoot out one of his tires. TANG: “That buckshot in your tire just doubled your trucks value. You can thank me later.” He shoots the other bullet into the air and hands back his empty weapon.
Eyes always upon Tang.
TWIST: Only the young teens people accept Tang, their eyes upon their iPhones “He’s Trans? Cool.”
[Covertly – Phil has set the old neighbors and friends against Tang for being Trans Male, all the wild being his truest friend, like they were best friends back in High School.]
3 GUYS dress in HOODS with voice disguise mechanisms to force Farmers, at gunpoint, to sign their farm deed over to them.
The coroner resists giving Tang his report on cause of death. “I mean she wasn’t chopped into one inch cubic bits, correct?”
At Dinner with Dad: Dad says there is no reason for a cause of death. Tang says they have procedures for a death like that.
TWIST: Dad wants to give Tang relief that Mom is alive and fine but can’t.
All Mom’s friends don’t want to tell Tang anything. 1. Trans now. 2. Think a “daughter” should never have left her parents for so long. 3. They are despondent because they think Mom is really dead.
TWIST: The most conservative one now will later become Tangs friend?
The Sheriff acts like he’s hiding something. (Mom was the Sheriff’s HS sweetheart he was supposed to marry once)
TWIST: He is behind the fake death of Mom also and is hiding that!
The Sheriff IS the law but doesn’t act like it; his son, Phil seems to try harder, with Tang, to figure it out.
A Guy Tang’s age mentions the “HOODED GUYS” as a joke but Tang wants to know more.
TWIST: Guy gets nervous, makes an excuse and leaves OR makes a mean-spirited Trans joke out of the blue. (Later turns out to be one of the Hooded Guys- Maybe Bubba again?)
TURNING POINT: TANG finds suspicious cover-ups to her mom’s death, including the death of the Town MAYOR just a month before.
After Mom’s funeral, cremated of course – a car with no plates – almost runs Tang over.
Old school classmates of Tangs stalk him; taunt Tang as a girl;
Reveal that Tang thinks BUBBA maybe a Hooded Guy:
Tang refuses to be intimidated when asking for all medical and crime reports on his Mom
At the site of Mom’s death – Tang doesn’t find much but takes blood samples from the wide splatter pattern, and then notices footprints and works them back near the Sheriff’s farm. Could the Sheriff be involved?
CLUE: keeps blood samples to test on her own – sends to FBI and ***NEED TO FIND A PLACE in the script to put that the FBI report comes back: TWIST:- “it’s Pig’s blood.”
Tang gets a hang for this as she finds the Mayor was killed in a very different way but suspiciously and calls the FBI to get someone over for these multiple murders – and hopefully, to see she is ready to join.
TWIST: Different FBI Person gets the call and thinks he’s a quack caller.
Tang talks to the Coroner about the Mayor’s death.
TWIST: Coroner freely answers all his questions!
Coroner hands him a bag from storage which has lots of black clothing fibers.
CLUE: – a possible clue which leads to the hoods of the mysterious HOODED GUYS. Coroner says they were found mostly in the Mayor’s hair.
TWIST: Makes Tang think the Mayor could’ve been one of the HOODED BAD GUYS.
Farm owners nervously call it an old urban legend.
TWIST: If it’s old why did he never hear it growing up there as “Tina?”
CLUE: Farmers are nervous while they tell the story, contradict each other and seem to make shit up on the spot. [*** COULD this be a CHARACTER MISDIRECTION as in characters we should believe who are telling lies?]
MIDPOINT: The girl Tang had a crush on – when Tang was female – is infatuated right back and they become a couple. (**Could she be a News reporter OR a Cop to help Tang later??)
The more Tang digs and the Sheriff threatens to put him in jail – 25 years Sheriff – he won’t comment further against the word of a 22 yr old Trans.
***[Places throughout Tang tells Phil about her investigation and he shows Trust and Distrust at different times – such as saying that the Mayor’s death isn’t a murder!]
Tang asks Dad to use Mom’s car and his almost refusal could be a DIALOGUE MISDIRECTION because he is hiding the fact that Mom is still alive.
Tang drives her Mom’s old car and is chased. Both cars get stuck in a sand bar or corn field and they both run and the chase continues on the farm’s 4 wheelers which are dumped in downtown residential blocks of houses and they now chase on foot – through backyards; Tang is grabbed by an owner of one house and held by his collar like a teenager caught stealing something! The person chasing Tang leaves, foiled again.
CLUE: Hooded Person must be local – knows the area and rides 4 wheelers very well.
Unknown person threatens to post photo’s of Tang’s top surgery;
Tang is upset and Phil, Girlfriend and another friend of theirs get Tang to talk about being Trans.
TWIST: Phil makes a joke about it – which hits Tang hard, seemingly very unlike who Phil is.
Tang takes the hurt to psychoanalyze Phil as she explains what she studied in college to be in the FBI to identify criminally minded people.
TWIST: Tang says he has maniacal tendencies and no empathy for the suffering of others – as a joke but Phil gets angry and leaves saying they are no longer friends!
TWIST: Tang didn’t mean for that to happen but later glad when he is found to be the killer.
Tang’s Dad finally gives in and talks about Mom’s mouth getting her into trouble.
TWIST: Tang questions his use of present tense when he talks about Mom but he makes an excuse that he is still grieving and in shock.
ALMOST REVEAL: MOM’S DEATH is a ploy to get Tang home: DAD almost reveals it but Tang misunderstands as him grieving and he lets it go.
Tang finds out: Already sold Tang’s farm but Tang nor Dad knows about it. Tang’s Dad finally admits the Hooded Guys threatened him to sign his land away but he refused – he had no idea that Mom went through with it.
CLUE: Hooded Guys want land – must have a plan on what to do with it – an end game.
CLUE: Then Farms deeds are found to be bought up by shell companies.
Someone says that they saw the Mayor get into an argument with someone in the shadows by the Sheriff’s barn the day before he was found dead. (the Sheriff is the RED HERRING)
The Sheriff says the Mayor wasn’t murdered but the buried condoner’s report is quite different from the official statement.
Tang finds it seems connected to Mom’s death (farm machine?? Components found like black threads?)
Mayor had no enemies except the Sheriff ran against him more than once.
CLUE: Tang finds that Items from the same website which sells HOODS w Vocal Disguisers on them were sent to the Sheriff’s address. He demands that Tang go back to their college town and don’t open this can of worms.
REVEAL that Hooded Guys are local: Tang hears where and when the townsfolk have had encounters with the Hooded Guys and has an answer as to why they must be locals. 1. Had to have keys to the thrasher – had to have a place to torture the Mayor or ? (Maybe Mayor died of a heart attack – which coroner report says – but because he was beaten up on so bad! Perhaps Tang gets photos of his beaten face)
CLUE: Tang and Girlfriend find Hoods with mouth pieces in the Sheriff’s barn.
Tang and Girlfriend abducted with black hoods over their heads;
TURNING POINT 2: Tang girlfriend is killed or almost killed by a bullet meant for him.
REVEAL BUBBA is one of the Hooded Guys: Fits the profile and black threads on his shirt that he wears for days on end.
Tang demands a line-up for ONE WITNESS who one Hooded Guy threatened:
ONE WITNESS identifies BUBBA as the voice who threatened her. Soon after she says that the leader Hooded Guy had a mis-step to him, they can tell because they breed horses and you gotta watch for that or they aren’t worth as much but for studding.” (Phil has no toes on right foot from a farm accident)
TWIST: Phil had been acting like Tangs best friend all this time!
Phil traps Tang in his barn basement; Tang points out the “hitch” in his step – Phil shows her that his toes were cut off by this fucking being a farmer BS!!
CLUE: Person said Hooded Leader had a “hitch” in his step.
CLUE: Phil gets out his Hood with he voice-disguising mouth-ware to show Tang.
CLIMAX: Turns out it has been Tang’s best old friend from growing up who is the killer and he goes after him, they fight, he escapes – only to be chased down by his own father, the Sheriff, and arrested.
Turns out the Sheriff was protecting his son, Phil. And as he looks at his son in cuffs about to cry he sets him free and yells for him to run!!
TWIST: Paternal instincts are too strong after we thought he is doing the right thing.
It is Tang alone who has to chase him down on foot – in the very field where his own Mom was killed and duke it out with Tang the victor.
BUT when it looks like it’s done PERHAPS Phil throws dirt in Tang’s eyes and a THRASHER machine stops Phil from getting away – turns out to be Tang’s Dad, who also saved his Wife’s life (Tang’s Mom) in the opening scene.
Phil confesses: Killed the Mayor in Phil’s Garage cuz he found out our plan to steal the deeds, use out own notary for the documents and connections to sell to the Billionaire but they didn’t kill Tang’s Mom but meant to cuz she snooped around . We knocked her out in the field and someone else drove that thrasher over her!
Phil and the Sheriff are taken in by the Deputy.
RESOLUTION: Tang gets reunited with his Mom!!!
TWIST: She’s been alive all this time!!!
Dad, the Sheriff and the Coroner made up the story that she died because she knew you could find out who the Hooded Guys were and save their farms and that this was the only way you’d ever come back home again.
Tang also gets all the farm folks their deeds back and is shown gratitude by those who hated and were scared that Tang is a Trans Male.
Tang visits his Girlfriend, recovering in the hospital and Perhaps a phone call from the FBI – “when can you start?”
TWIST: He smiles at his Girlfriend which makes us think he may turn down the job offer to stay with her.
Girlfriend demands he go and fulfill his dreams – besides now she has the idea that getting out of town to go to college might be a good thing also.
TWIST: Tang suggests that this farm town ain’t so bad and that they hang out here for the summer and think about all their options.
-
Jeff Guenther’s Engaging Clue Trails
What I learned is the combined Map and Clue Trails can be extremely complex. Keep it simple. Revisions to a properly done thriller script are going to be full of new opportunities to entertain and to screw up.
Jeff Guenther’s Thriller Map, Revised
Clue Category Tags:
What is causing the bizarre phenomena? Bizarre phenomena cause = “BPC”
Why is the hospital losing so much money? Losing money because = “LMB”
How did 4 people die or disappear? Death Clues = “DC”
How are conversations being overheard? Listening in Clues = “LIC”Reel 1. Setup: Allie’s status quo, ending with the inciting event.
a) MIS: Allie’s boyfriend is broke, unemployed.
Allie fears unemployment
a) MIS: They need money for illegit daughter [her secret could be revealed.]
a) MIS: Allie considers job she doesn’t want for the money
a) M/I/S: Allie is looking for work at Burgerpalooza
CURRENT DIRECTION: Taking the job at Burgerpalooza
TWIST: 7. New options emerge. Allie hears of job opening.
a) REVEAL: Allie’s new job lead is in an old hospital
TRUST: Feeney’s polite and friendly to Allie.
d) M/I/S: CEO sells her on the job, her boss
b) REVEAL: Allie is a nurse
d) REVEAL: Desperate, Allie takes job at Hospital.
c) REVEAL: Hospital has a bad rep
d) REVEAL: Allie’s boss is the head nun, Sr. Polygrippa
TRUST: Polygrippa’s a nun; you can trust nuns, right?
DC We see laundry carts moved around. OVE
DC Parts of building are sealed off. OVE
DC Certain elevators are “out of order” OVE
CURRENT DIRECTION: Thinks Hospital job is safe.
e) M/I/S: Hospital has a lot of “charity cases”
e) MIS: “charity cases” = indigents
e) MIS: indigents = alcoholics/druggies
e) REVEAL: TWIST: 11. got more dangerous. Indigent patients may attack her [physical danger]
f) M/I/S: Young patient, Clara, is admitted [VILLAIN’S PLAN: ATTACK THE HOSPITAL]
f) h) MIS: Clara needs a tonsillectomy
BPC Patient Clara is pre-adolescent, a little young for a poltergeist COVE
TRUST: Clara is a patient, therefore to be assisted
f) MIS: Mysterious fires in rooms
DC Parts of building are sealed off. OVE
BPC The first fire burnt critical records, = not BPC. COVE/OVE
f) MIS: Paranormal phenomena happen
BPC Often happen in empty rooms. OVE
All BPC happen after patient X admitted. COVE
TRUST: Menzies fools Allie by showing concern about Clara
BPC Happen near Patient Clara’s room. OVE
f) MIS: Phenomena get closer to girl
f) MIS: Allie moves the girl to protect her
CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie’s off the indigent ward.
TRUST: Sr. Polygrippa seems competent.
TWIST: 11. got more dangerous. Strange phenomena [the unknown] in paying patient ward.
f) MIS: Janitor says one wing was haunted previously
DC We see laundry carts moved around. OVE
DC Parts of building are sealed off. OVE
LMB the phenomena are scaring away paying patients COVE/OVE
Allie fears for the young patient [danger to someone they know]
Allie promises (mother or nun) to protect the patient
j) M/I/S: Clara’s mother is a nuisance
f) M/I/S: Wing is sealed off as haunted.
Reel 2. Predicament ‘lock in’ to the conflict (end of Act 1).
CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie only has one patient.
TRUST: Clara is cute and responsive, nice to Allie
LMB the indigent:wealthy ratio is getting bigger. COVE/OVE
j) MIS: Clara’s mother tells stories
TRUST/SYMPATHY: Menzies plays the victim, being patient with his alcoholic wife.
g) M/I/S: Menzies is girl’s stepfather
TWIST: 11. got more dangerous. Allie sees escalating phenomena, definitely supernatural
The eldritch janitor [RH?] scares her [stalked].
CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie’s job is safe.
TWIST: 9. A trust is violated. Her secret comes out.
CURRENT DIRECTION: The Hospital is a safe place.
DC We see laundry carts moved around. OVE
TWIST: 8. A mistake haunts them. Janitor: hospital haunted a long time ago, plastered up
DC Certain elevators are “out of order” OVE
i) M/I/S: DISTRUST:’s creepy, tells Allie scary stories.
i) MIS: Janitor scares Allie.
g) MIS: DISTRUST: VILLAIN / Clara’s father, Menzies, disappears.
DC Must search the building. OVE
DC They were last seen in a room(s) COVE
DC No one saw them leave the building. OVE
DC Parts of building are sealed off. OVE
DC Personal effects left behind. OVE
CURRENT DIRECTION: The hospital is fully staffed
TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge. Staff start to quit. VILLAIN’S PLAN PART 1
Sr. Polygrippa’s team uses holy water, prayer, etc.
LMB Salaries have been raised to get nurses to work there. OVE
Most BPC occur on 4<sup>th</sup> floor, Old Wing OVE
DC Parts of building are sealed off. OVE
CURRENT DIRECTION: The phenomena seem to abate.
TWIST: 14. The “solution” makes things worse. Doesn’t work
LMB CEO salary goes up along with nurse salary by contract. COVE
CURRENT DIRECTION: Polygrippa tries more things.
h) MIS: Allie tries to not assist during the operation
TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. Allie assigned to protect Clara, stay with her.
Reel 3. First attempt to deal with problem. Easy option fails, stakes rise.
h) MIS: Polygrippa insists she can do it, per her resume.
CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie will assist in the O.R.
TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. Allie fears infections from sharp medical instruments.
Clara is operated on. Phenomena start.
h) MIS: Allie starts to shake during the procedure
CURRENT DIRECTION: Operation is smoothly under way.
h) MIS: one (all?) of the sharps levitate(s).
h) REVEAL: Allie has a phobia of surgical instruments.
TWIST: 2. Lost their resources. Shortage of O.R. materiel found VILLAIN’S PLAN 3
LMB Hidden construction is siphoning off sinking funds COVE
MOTIF: Sharps, scalpels [presence of weapons]
They move Clara to another room.
DC Certain elevators are “out of order” OVE
TRUST: Clara thanks Allie a lot.
j) MIS: Clara’s mother dies in the room next to her. VILLAIN’S PLAN 2
DC They were last seen in a room(s) COVE
DISTRUST: Clara’s mother is found dead.
Reel 4. More grandiose, extreme plan goes horribly wrong (ends with the mid-point)
j) REVEAL: Clara’s mother was alcoholic; Mother’s autopsy says she died from excess alcohol
Allie wonders where Mother got the alcohol.
LMB Unknown supplies purchases COVE
CURRENT DIRECTION: They decide to shut down two floors.
DC Certain elevators are “out of order” OVE
TWIST: 7. New options emerge. Exorcist is found.
f) MIS: TRUST: Exorcist called in by Sr. Polygrippa
Exorcist scares Allie with stories [talking about the danger]
LMB Insurance costs are up after indigents attack nurses. COVE
CURRENT DIRECTION: Restaffing begins. Exorcism starts.
k) MIS: information is leaking from meetings
LIC Happened in meeting room. OVE
TWIST: 9. A trust is violated. Calling in exorcist leaked to newspaper,
CURRENT DIRECTION: Staff is up to previous level.
TWIST: 6. New consequences: Patients leave re newspaper VILLAIN’S ULTIMATE PLAN
Phenomena traced to proximity of Clara (next door, floor above, etc.)
DISTRUST: Phenomena center around Clara’s room
TRUST: Janitor tells Allie what she needs to know. (repeatedly)
<font color=”#000000″><font face=”Liberation Serif, Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>Janitor may remember the old speaking tubes. OVE</font></font></font>
i) REVEAL: The Janitor is an ally, knows the hospital well
DC Janitor knew a lot, maybe too much. COVE
They shut down nearby rooms, move Clara.
CURRENT DIRECTION: Outbreak of phenomena is contained.
f) MIS: Exorcist does his shtick
f) REVEAL: TWIST: 10. unexpected side of someone. Exorcist ID’s Clara as poltergeist. Panic.
DISTRUST: Menzies hadn’t told Allie Clara was a poltergeist
CURRENT DIRECTION: He prepares to exorcise Clara.
TWIST: 1. Something planned for doesn’t happen. Exorcist killed mysteriously.
LMB Donations have dropped off. COVE
TRUST: Janitor tells Allie what she needs to know. (repeatedly)
k) REVEAL: The rooms have an antique speaker tube system. Listening and gas injection
<font color=”#000000″><font face=”Liberation Serif, Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>LIC Different people there each time. OVE</font></font></font>
Reel 5. Allie retreats to address flaw Confronts her weakness. Fear? Lack of Faith?
Allie begins to investigate the rooms.
CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie finds something strange about the room.
<font color=”#000000″><font face=”Liberation Serif, Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>LIC Allie or b.f. inspects room panels & finds tube covers. OVE</font></font></font>
TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge. DISTRUST: Sr. Polygrippa orders Allie to stop snooping [demand to stop investigating.]
CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie investigates basement,
DC Parts of building are sealed off. OVE
TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. Allie Finds notes in her locker [threats]TRUST: Janitor tells Allie what she needs to know. (repeatedly)
DISTRUST: Nurse shows the threatening notes to her & gets bawled out
CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie talks to Janitor, who knows stuff about the old wing.
<font color=”#000000″><font face=”Liberation Serif, Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>Janitor may remember the old speaking tubes. OVE</font></font></font>
TWIST: 4. A new problem. Janitor dies in storm; put in cold storage until police can arrive
DC They were last seen in a room(s) COVE
Allie could fear what killed the janitor, think it’s demonic.
Allie gets mad, decides to face her fears, even if she loses her job
Allie meets with Sr. Polygrippa, other peers
TRUST: Polygrippa meets with nurse and promise action will be taken
CURRENT DIRECTION: Sr. Polygrippa agrees to fix something
l) M/I/S: Reference to $MM operating budget
l) M/I/S: References to $MM sinking funds
TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge. Someone overhears her conversations [surveillance]
LIC Happened in meeting room. OVE
CURRENT DIRECTION: They requisition the repairs. DISTRUST: Feeney refuses Allie funds
TWIST: 5. A lie uncovered. Requisition denied. Repair $$ not available VILLAIN’S PLAN 3
l) REVEAL: The hospital is being drained of cash
m) REVEAL: The hospital is almost bankrupt.
Reel 6. New plan, Allie embraces change All goes wrong, and new revelation. (end of Act 2)
CURRENT DIRECTION: Clara will be discharged soon.
TWIST: 9. A trust violated. Co-worker reports Allie [someone near them.] Allie is punished.
CURRENT DIRECTION: Polygrippa donates her own $$ funds to order repairs, arranges to meet Allie.
TRUST: Polygrippa donates money
DISTRUST: Polygrippa doesn’t show up as she said she would.
DC They were last seen in a room(s) COVE
DC No one saw them leave the building. OVE
TWIST: 4. A new problem occurs. Polygrippa disappears VILLAIN’S PLAN 2
Allie searches for Sister Polygrippa.
DC Personal effects left behind. OVE
DC Last seen on 4<sup>th</sup> floor, old wing. OVE
CURRENT DIRECTION: The funds are secured; they need Polygrippa’s signature.
TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. Allie’s attacked while looking for Sister
Allie escapes but finds why there’s no money–unneeded supplies etc., are being bought.
TRUST: Allie finds Feeney doesn’t have the funds
Allie informs the CFO.
o) M/I/S: Management learns personal info re Allie
CURRENT DIRECTION: CFO calls in the auditors.
o) REVEAL: Co-worker is a spy.
TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge. Allie threatened with firing.
Reel 7. Change, rejoins the battle. Goal reached, but . . .Final twist, Villain turns the tables.
The hospital is bankrupt [loss of a job or career.] VILLAIN’S ULTIMATE PLAN
CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie looks for the books to give to the auditors.
TWIST: 11. got more dangerous. Allie’s attacked while checking records [lured into danger].
CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie hides in the cold storage room.
TWIST: 13. The worst thing possible happens. Allie finds Polygrippa in cold storage;
DC No known common cause. COVE
Polygrippa has records in her Bank of Ireland.
Allie finds evidence nun was looking at old employee records.
Allie finds evidence nun was looking at recent expenditures.
n) M/I/S: Indigent to paying patients is increasing
TRUST: Nurse finds Sr. P stole the papers that incriminate CEO
CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie gets evidence together and starts out of cold storage
v) M/I/S: She sees Janitor’s body, covered by a sheet.
v) REVEAL: Janitor’s body has been replaced by an anatomical skeleton.
TWIST: 6. New consequences emerge.
CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie tries the door to go meet with the auditors.
TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. Allie is locked in cold storage room
Reel 8. Finally defeats antagonist. Wrap up, epilogue, the New World
Allie uncovers speaking tube in cold storage room, calls for help.
w) MIS: She brings someone back to the cold room to show them.
w) REVEAL: They now find body, sans organs
x) MIS: They backtrack the body to the sealed off wing.
CLUE: Laundry cart left there OVE
Polygrippa’s evidence shows funds were spent for unbudgeted items VILLAIN’S PLAN 3
n) REVEAL: Allie finds that EMTs are being bribed to bring more indigents VILLAIN’S PLAN 4
n) MIS: paying patients are being driven away by rumors
CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie plans to call the police.
DC Parts of building are sealed off. OVE
x) REVEAL: Organ harvesting surgery has been put in that wing
TWIST: 11. got more dangerous. Allie finds organ harvesting. VILLAIN’S ULTIMATE PLAN
y) REVEAL: She might be next. Allie fears she might be next.
DISTRUST: Menzies stalks Allie at the end
g) REVEAL: Menzies is the Villain, trying to get control of the hospital
CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie runs away from the transplant surgery wing.
TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. The head of the Hospital sees her.
DISTRUST: maybe Allie discovers Feeney’s in league with Mr. Menzies
CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie hides in the basement.
TWIST: 11. got more dangerous. 12. Secret ID uncovered. Menzies chases, tries to kill her.
CURRENT DIRECTION: Allie runs to the top floor.
TWIST: 11. It just got more dangerous. Poltergeist appears in front of her, grinning fiendishly.
DISTRUST: Allie sees Clara in possessed state. (Yeah, that’ll do it!)
Menzies reminds Clara he’s her father, tells her to kill Allie
DISTRUST: Menzies sics Clara on Allie in her possessed state
CURRENT DIRECTION: Clara approaches Allie, arms outstretched.
TWIST: 3. Someone changes sides. Clara turns, pushes Father down stairwell
TRUST: Clara kills Menzies
Clara embraces Allie. Allie tells the police Menzies stumbled and fell.
DISTRUST: What if Clara decides to kill Allie? Allie wonders.
-
Leona Heraty Gives Great Clues!
What I learned is…I need to have clues leading to mysteries in every scene if possible. I need more covert clues!
Title: TERROR ON THE TOTEM TRAIL
THRILLER MAP
ACT 1
OPENING: McKenzie drives to work, and doesn’t notice she’s being followed by someone wearing a creepy mask.Mystery 1: Who is the person wearing the creepy mask?
Mystery 2: Why is the person following her?
COvert Clue: The person with the mask has a Mercedes Benz with a license plate that says NAME, that’s a clue to the driver’s identity.
Covert Clue: A Mercedes Benz
Mystery 3: What is the story behind the Lost Totem Trail?
Overt Clue: One map says, “Can you find the way to Perilous Peak on the Lost Totem Trail?”
Mystery 4: Why does McKenzie want to climb to find the Lost Totem Trail to climb to Perilous Peak?
Overt Clue: The Lost Totem Trail figures into McKenzie’s life and history somehow.
Overt Clue: McKenzie stands on a chair to change a lightbulb in her office, but gets dizzy and has to step down, and her cousin, Brent, has to change it.
Mystery 5: Why does McKenzie get dizzy standing on a chair? Does she have vertigo?
Overt Clue: McKenzie’s tire is flat.
Mystery 6: Why is it flat? Did the masked figure let the air out of her tire?
Overt Clue: The Masked Figure gets out of his car and creeps near where McKenzie is parked, in front of Uncle Walter’s house.
Mystery 7: Who is this masked figure and why is his following her?
Overt Clue: McKenzie and her Mom and sister argue over McKenzie hiking up to Perilous Peak that same day, New Year’s Eve.
Overt Clue: The masked figure driving the Mercedes sedan parks near McKenzie’s Mom’s house and waits.
Overt Clue: The Masked Figure flits away from McKenzie’s Mom’s door, and hides by the side of a neighbor’s house.
Mystery 8: Who left the large cutout figure of the Grim Reaper at McKenzie’s Mom’s front door and why?
INCITING INCIDENT: McKenzie’s Mom wads up McKenzie’s flyer about the hike to Perilous Peak, and hurls it into the trash.
Overt Clue: The Masked Figure flits away from McKenzie’s Mom’s door, and hides by the side of a neighbor’s house.
Mystery 8: Who left the large cutout figure of the Grim Reaper at McKenzie’s Mom’s front door and why?
Overt Clue: The Masked Figure parks near where the Uber driver lets McKenzie off at the Visitor Center at Rancho Cuyamaca State Park.
Mystery 9: Why is this person following McKenzie to the state park, where she’ll be attempting to hike to Perilous Peak?
Overt Clue: On the wall in the Visitor Center is The mural is titled PORCUPINE PEAK AND THE LOST TOTEM TRAIL, CIRCA 1920. It features glowing green and blue totems that line the trail up to Perilous Peak.
Mystery 10: Why is this trail considered “lost” and what’s the history behind it? Are there really glowing blue and green totems on the trail?
Overt Clue: McKenzie misses the trail head marker for the main trail, then will miss the trail signs to the alternate trail to Perilous Peak.
Mystery 11: Will she make it up to Perilous Peak? If so, on what route?
Covert Clue: McKenzie climbs a high rock to try to get cell phone reception, but it doesn’t work.
Mystery 12: Will she be okay without cell phone reception?
Overt Clue: McKenzie hears a young woman’s scream on the trail.
Overt Clue: McKenzie finds a blue Tiffany backpack with rhinestones on it. The backpack has blood on it.
Covert Clue: The backpack has bling! It’s a clue to the owner’s personality.
Mystery 13: Who is screaming and why?
Mystery 14: Who does the backpack belong to?
Overt Clue: McKenzie hears a scream coming from inside the cave.
Mystery 15: Who is screaming and why?
TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT 1
ACT 2
Overt Clue: The Masked Figure runs by outside the cave.
Mystery 16: Who is the Masked Figure and why are they creeping around the cave? Are McKenzie and Tuvelle in danger in the cave?
Overt Clue: McKenzie and Tuvelle hear spooky singing and chanting in the cave.
Mystery 17: Who is singing and chanting and why? Are they in danger?
Covert Clue: The mural on the cave wall with drawings of three stages of turtles making progress.
Overt Clue: The Off-the-Grid Club members chant about the turtle making progress when it sticks its neck out.
Mystery 18: What’s the significance of the turtle drawings?
Overt Clue: The Leader of the Off-the-Grid Club encourages Tuvelle and McKenzie to take the road less traveled.
Mystery 19: Is the road less traveled the Lost Totem Trail?
Covert Clue: The tiki torches that lead on the tunnel that leads to the cave’s exit are painted glowing blue and green.
Mystery 20: Do the tiki torches signify the truth in the legend of the Lost Totem Trail?
Covert Clue: The small-size exit door to the cave.
Mystery 21: What does the small door signify? Does it mean that the way to Perilous Peak will be strange and difficult?
MIDPOINT TURNING POINT
Covert Clue: Tuvelle says she’s bitten by a Black Widow spider but it “really doesn’t hurt.”
Mystery 22: Is Tuvelle faking it?
ACT 3
Covert Clue: Tuvelle runs across the rickety bridge but doesn’t turn back to make sure McKenzie gets across it ok, despite McKenzie’s yells for help.
Mystery 23: Tuvelle says she didn’t hear McKenzie’s yells for help, but is that true?TURNING POINT: HUGE FAILURE/MAJOR SHIFT
ACT 4
Covert Clue: Todd says to Tuvelle, “Not so fast, where’s my money?”
Mystery 24: What money? Did Tuvelle hire him to wear the mask and chase them around? What’s going on?
CLIMAX/ULTIMATE EXPRESSION OF CONFLICT
Covert Clue: Tuvelle digs in her backpack and say, “I know it’s here. I just bought an extra can yesterday.”
Mystery 25: A can of what?
Covert Clue: Tuvelle says that McKenzie’s the “chick a the Halloween party who made her break her two-year winning streak.”
Mystery 26: What is Tuvelle talking about? What “winning streak” and what does McKenzie have to do with it?
Covert Clue: We hear TUM TUM TUM below Perilous Peak, getting closer.
Mystery 27: Where is this TUM TUM TUM sound coming from?
RESOLUTION
Overt Clue: McKenzie hears a YELL for help.
Mystery 28: Is Todd still alive?
Overt Clue: We hear the TUM TUM TUM again as McKenzie and Todd crawl down from Perilous Peak to a trail below.
Mystery 29: The glowing blue and green totems appear, showing the way down the mountain to safety. Is this the Lost Totem Trail?
Log in to reply.