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Day 21 Assignments
Reply to post your assignment.
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15 Replies
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Sandra Hildreth Reveals
What I learned from doing this assignment was: I should always make my story most interesting by adding reveals and other features to keep the audience engaged and wanting more.
MARIA
Why are you stopping? They will look for us and when they find us, we’re dead.
QUINCY
Do you know where they’ve got Harry?
MARIA
No. And if I did, I’m not telling you.
Quincy slams his fist hard onto the back of Ashton’s seat.
QUINCY
Maria, I will take you wherever you want me to, but I’m not leaving without Harry. You’re lying. Tell me where he is. Now.
MARIA
No. They are bad men. You don’t understand how bad they are.
ASHTON
They wouldn’t hurt you, would they?
MARIA
Si. I have tried to escape before and he told me he would kill me if I ever tried again. And he would.
QUINCY
Escape?
MARIA
Yes. I am his captive, just like you. He is no good. He kidnaps people and he takes young girls – and boys – from their families and ships them to many places. I was one of those girls, but Jaime kept me for his pleasure.
ASHTON
Nobody would help you?
MARIA
No. Everyone is afraid of Jaime. Even the police. I tell you, he is a bad man.
QUINCY
Maria, please. You must tell us where they are keeping Harry.
MARIA
No. I must get to my village first.
QUINCY
I will not leave here without him. You must tell us. I promise, once we have him, we will take you to your village. Please.
MARIA
Madre de Dios. No. Lo siento, I will not tell you where your friend is until you get me to my village.
ASHTON
What can be more important than rescuing Harry?
MARIA
My child.
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Don Thompson reveals: character reveal
Logline: Two high school friends meet after several years. One reveals to the other an unknown part of her life.
EMMA (30) waits alone in a bar for STACEY (30). Emma watches the TV in the bar and sips on a glass of wine. The bartender, KYLE (25), tends to his work and other customers. The bar is about ¼ full.
Stacy approaches Emma at the bar.
STACEY: Hey honey!
EMMA: Hey girl!
The two hug and give each other a peck on the cheek.
Kyle approaches.
KYLE (to Stacey): What can I get you?
STACEY: I’ll take a glass of red wine.
KYLE: Want to look at the list?
STACEY: Nah, just give me what you like best.
KYLE: You got it.
The two women look at each other and smile.
EMMA: How long’s it been?
STACEY: Too long. How’s it going? How’s Stan?
EMMA: Good. Still working at the Bank. Trying to get a promotion, as always. I’m working part-time. You know, keeping an eye on the kids.
STACEY: Yeah, that’s a big chore.
EMMA: I keep waiting for your kids. You will have the best-looking kids.
STACEY: That’s what they all say. Not that I agree with them.
EMMA: Oh, come on!
STACEY: So… your kids… how’s school going?
EMMA: Well, it’s a pain in the ass, frankly. If you want to do it right if involves a lot of proactive management.
STACEY: Proactive management?
EMMA: It’s like when I was doing corporate work. Project management. You know, system development life cycles in software. You have the phases of development. Kids are the same.
STACEY: I never liked that kind of thing.
EMMA: You always were the artist.
STACEY: Life is too short to get caught up in stupid stuff. Not that your kids are stupid stuff. You kids are important. Business can be stupid.
EMMA: Except for without it there’s no money and without money, there’s no life.
Kyle returns with a glass of wine. Stacey turns to him.
STACEY (to Kyle): Thank you, sir! I have a question for you!
KYLE: Hit me.
STACEY: Is life possible without money?
KYLE: Sure!
STACEY: Prove it!
KYLE: I have a book for you — be right back!
Kyle leaves the bar.
EMMA: Jesus, I wonder what book that is?
STACEY: Sounds like one I probably want to read.
Stacey sips the wine.
EMMA: How is it?
STACEY (noncommittal): Oh you know, sort of like communion.
EMMA: Ask him to get you something else.
STACEY: It’s OK.
Beat. Emma eyes her over.
EMMA: So… any new flames you want to tell me about? Exciting love trysts with interesting people?
STACEY (smiles): Sure, but I must give you some back story.
EMMA: I love back story.
Kyle returns with the book. He lays it on the bar. The title is: ‘The Life and Teachings of the Masters of the Far East’.
Kyle leans in.
KYLE: According to this book, it is possible to live completely off what is known as ‘prana’ to the Eastern Mystics. No food required, no money required, you are completely non-dependent on others.
STACEY: Sounds religious.
KYLE.: It’s not religious, it’s spiritual. There’s a difference.
EMMA (realizes something): Oh you know what this is like – this is like the Human Barbie!
STACEY: Human Barbie?
EMMA: She’s a breatharian. The breatharians claim you can live off of light and air. I read an article about it in ‘People’.
KYLE: Exactly! This is the same thing. But they call it Prana.
STACEY: It sounds religious. I’m sure you have to give up sex.
KYLE: Not necessarily. I mean, it’s sort of androgynous. It’s sort of non-binary in its approach.
EMMA: Non-binary. Sounds sorta gay!
STACEY: I’m definitely non-binary! I should probably become a breatharian.
Silence.
EMMA smiles at Stacey.
KYLE: I believe that most mystics are gay at heart. I mean look at all the long-haired yogis in India. They all look gay to me!
Kyle then leaves.
Emma looks to Stacey.
EMMA: So, you’re non-binary?
STACEY: I’m gay.
Emma reacts viscerally, struggling to swallow her sip of wine.
Beat, Emma collects herself.
EMMA: Honey, you’re not gay! You dated too many people in High School to be gay! I heard you quite loudly on double dates! You were definitely enjoying yourself!
STACEY: I’m gay, honey. No kids. At least not unless I get creative.
EMMA: Have you got a… girlfriend?
STACEY: Actually yes. I want you to meet her. I want you and Stan to both meet her.
EMMA: But you don’t look or seem gay.
STACEY: Looks have nothing to do with being gay.
Emma eyes her over.
EMMA: I’m not convinced… but we’ll talk about it more later.
STACEY: How about we talk about it right now? I mean, does it bother you?
EMMA: It’s just… you know… compared to when you were in high school… this does not compute.
STACEY: I knew then, actually. In High School.
EMMA: You knew then.
STACEY: It’s an inner thing. You just know.
Beat.
EMMA: Ok. I got it. I’m good with it. When do I meet your friend?
STACEY: How about our wedding shower?
END OF SCENE
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Rebecca’s Reveals
What I learned from this assignment is how to add drama to a problem scene through using these techniques to create set ups and reveals, and even later reveals, to create intrigue while moving the story forward.
Scene Logline: Precocious slave girl Sallie, body servant to Mary Thurman, finds a painted rock in the garden when she visits her friend Tree.
Demand: Cover-up: Reveal:
Demand: Tom demands that Mary explain the words on the rock.
Cover-up: Mary detracts by bringing up Tom’s indiscretions.
Reveal: Mary pushes Tom to reveal their marriage to be a business deal. Tom learns the truth about Mary’s secret affair with the Scotsman and miscarried child.
Reveal: Tom had an affair with Sari that produced Eliza.
Later reveal: Tom is Sallie’s grandfather.INT BEDROOM – LATER
Tom stands as Sallie enters the room. Sallie holds the rock in her hand. Tom motions to look at it.
TOM THURMAN
A rock with a flower painting. How unusual.
Mary turns ashen. Tom turns it over and reads the inscription, still legible.
TOM THURMAN
Marigold, daughter of Mary and Hiram.
Tom’s face hardens.
TOM THURMAN
Sallie, where did you find this?
SALLIE
In the garden. Buried under a root of the tree.
Tom looks close to explosion. Sallie’s lips curl over her teeth. She looks down. Mary freezes with fear.
TOM THURMAN
(astounded)
Mary, what is this? Hiram? The Scotsman?
Mary cowers. Tears flood her face.
MARY THURMAN
I, I, We. I painted the rock. Buried it near the tree, a secret memorial to her. To Hiram.
Mary rocks back and forth. Tom’s booming voice shakes the room.
TOM THURMAN
My God, woman! The Scotsman. When? How? Was Sarah his?How could you?
Sallie bolts toward the door.
TOM THURMAN
Sallie, do not leave this room.
Sallie runs to her pallet and pulls a blanket over her head. Mary recovers, becomes combative.
MARY THURMAN
No, Sarah was still an infant when you left me and the children alone in that God forsaken Kentucky wilderness for six months. Business in South Carolina you said. Only one letter in all that time. It wasn’t business.
TOM THURMAN
It was. I planned to invest in Cotton. Make arrangements in Charleston for shipping. It took time.
Mary explodes.
MARY THURMAN
Time? I wrote to you every day. You never answered my letters. Time? You lied to me. I know what you did.
Mary rises from the chair and gets into his face.
MARY THURMAN
Think you could hide the other women? Sarai and your daughter with her. I loved you Tom, but you betrayed me. Why did you ever marry me if I wasn’t enough?
Sallie puts her hands over her ears. Tom calms, guilt all over.
TOM THURMAN
The money? The prestige? You were the most desirable woman in Petersburg.
MARY THURMAN
Did my father pay you?
Mary steadies herself with the tables. Tom fingers through his hair.
TOM THURMAN
Your father invested in one of my business ventures. He thought we’d make a good marriage.
MARY THURMAN
Father sent Hiram up north. Did he pay you to bring me to Washington County?
TOM THURMAN
Your father made a lot of money with his investment. He owed me.
MARY THURMAN
Our marriage, a business deal? Hiram loved ME, just me. Other than Hattie, the only one that did.
TOM THURMAN
Wrong. Hiram loved your father’s money. I adored you. Have you forgotten our courtship and early days of marriage?
Mary thoughtful, sinks back into the chair.
MARY THURMAN
No. What happened to us?
Tom sinks into the chair opposite hers.
TOM THURMAN
You cooled to me after Sarah was born. I found the letters Hiram wrote to you after we moved to Kentucky. The ones you saved with a ribbon around them. It explained your distance. Thus, the quick departure. I needed to get away. Found comfort from a woman, stayed longer than I should. Did you meet him in Petersburg?
Mary droops.
MARY THURMAN
No, he came to me in Kentucky under guise of our horse trainer. We met in secret, until I sent him away. He never knew about the baby. I miscarried a month before you returned home. They found Hiram hanging from a rafter in a horse barn on my father’s estate.
Mary looks towards Sallie’s pallet and finds it empty.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Rebecca Sukle.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by
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Title: Monica’s Reveals Character Reveals
What I learned doing this assignment was reveals make a script more dramatic and it is important to learn to master this effectively.
Select a situation from your script and write it using the Reveal Model.
1. Select a scene that NEEDS a cool reveal and give us the logline of the scene.
2. Ask questions to lead to a list of possible reveals.
· What do I want to hide from the reader for dramatic effect?
o Hide that the Echo clone is a clone until later in Act 1 – until then it appears she’s just Echo’s twin to the rest of the family and at school
· What are the characters hiding from each other?
o Real Echo and her clone are interchangeable – this is hidden from the family and from the people at school
· What is already known that would be more dramatic if hidden, then revealed?
o In the first scene we know that Echo cloned herself, this should be hidden until later and also that she cloned herself using dark magic.
· What would be the best/worst/most dramatic thing that could be revealed at this point?
o The clone is evil.
· Knowing this story, what could be under the surface that would create more drama for my characters?
o The clone wants to replace Real Echo; Real Echo is having second thoughts about having a clone but doesn’t know what to do;
· Are there any deeper meanings to the things my characters are saying and doing?
o Shouldn’t mess with the paranormal if you don’t know what you’re doing.
3. List the structure of the scene through the three steps of the Reveal Model.
Reveals on a Plot Level: Echo clones herself so she doesn’t have to do the mundane things of the world.
Reveals on a Character Level: Real Echo is a disturbed young woman but is highly intelligent and drawn to the dark arts.
AI Echo is an evil version of the real person.
Reveals on a Situation Level: Situation: When the clone decides Real Echo is no longer needed and forces her into the portal.
4. Demand 1: AI Echo steps through the portal into this reality.
Cover-up 1: AI Echo and Real Echo are identical.
Reveal 1: AI Echo takes Real Echo’s place by forcing Real Echo into the portal.
LOGLINE: Having cloned herself Echo has second thoughts about what she’s done.
©INT. ECHO’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
ECHO, 18, petite, glasses, straight-black hair, sits at her desk. Types away on her laptop
with nails painted blood red. Her eyes are all black.
Witchcraft books line a shelf. Including the Munich Manual. A book of very dark, black
magic.
Crystals are scattered throughout the room. An inverted pentagram has been etched into
the floor. An all-seeing eye floats through the room. It stops to look at things. Pendulums
swing of their own volition from the ceiling.
The laptop screen is split. Code on one-side. A visual representation on the other.
The visual representation is of a town with streets, trees, buildings and houses. She
presses enter and sits back. Arms crossed.
WHIR. WHIR. WHIR.
Echo looks to a model in the corner of the room. What we saw on the screen has
appeared as a 3-D model on a table across the room. Echo gets up to look at the
model. Smiles. She sets down a flash drive on the model. The drive disappears.
Echo sits back down at the computer. She opens more coding. Types away. Presses
enter. Shuts down all the windows. Stretches.
In the corner of the room a black orb appears. It attaches itself to the wall. It starts to grow
until it is the size of a door. Echo turns.
Through the door an AI clone of Echo floats through. It stands naked before the Real
Echo.
Real Echo inspects the clone. Stands in front of it. Real Echo raises her right arm. AI
Echo raises her right arm. Real Echo tilts her head left then right. AI Echo does the same.
REAL ECHO
Let’s get you some clothes.
Real Echo grabs some clothes out of her closet. Helps AI Echo dress.
REAL ECHO
This is so exciting. I created my own clone through my magic and tech skills.
Finishes dressing the clone. Turns her towards the mirror on the closet door. AI Echo
smiles.
REAL ECHO
You like it?
AI Echo tilts her head right then left.
AI ECHO
I think. I won’t be needing you.
AI Echo turns to face Real Echo.
REAL ECHO
What are you talking about? We’re in this together.
AI Echo steps towards Real Echo. Real Echo backs up. AI Echo reaches out to grab Real
Echo. Real Echo twists away. Puts the model between her and AI Echo.
AI ECHO
You cannot hide in such a small room.
AI Echo looks at the model. CRASHES it to the floor.
REAL ECHO
NO! That was where we were going to live.
AI ECHO
(tilts her head)
I’m tired of living between dimensions.
(twirls)
I want to smell the air. I want to taste the blood.
Real Echo shoves the model table into AI Echo. Runs for the door. AI Echo is already there.
AI ECHO
There’s nowhere to run.
Real Echo backs up. Turns and runs into the portal. The portal shrinks back to the size of a grapefruit and hides in the corner.
AI ECHO
Nowhere to run in there.
END SCENE
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Janeen’s Reveals
What I learned doing this assignment is that sometimes the order of presentation of the information in a scene can be rearranged and augmented to increase the number and quality of reveals.
1. Scene from Canine Comedy Crew, after second turning point:
Logline: The family reviews the CCC performance at the neighborhood block party and Greg and Whitney think about CCC costumes and software as a possible side hustle.
2. Potential Reveals:
The family laments how easily distracted the dogs were by the crowd. They need to fix that if they are going to win on AGT.
That the audience laughs more when the dogs goof up. The oops lines are the funniest for the audience.
The idea that Greg and Whitney could make a go of a side hustle because others want to do this but don’t want to do all of the work they’ve already done.
3. REVEALS:
Demand: People tell each member of the family that they would love to be able to put on plays with their own dogs.
Cover-up: The people are all dismayed when they hear about the costumes, sets and play software that were developed for the CCC
Reveal: The parents reveal that they’d love to have selling costumes, sets and play software as a side hustle or possibly a way to ditch their demanding day jobs.
Demand: For the parents to go full time, the dogs would have to win at least one round of AGT.
Cover-Up: The dogs were distracted by the crowd and could fail at the AGT audition.
Reveal: The biggest laughs came from the Oops lines used when the dogs messed up and those laughs could get them through the audition to the next round of the competition.
4. The Scene
INT. FAMILY HOUSE – LATER
The family, exhausted, but satisfied, is gathered around the whiteboard and family schedule. They speak excitedly.
GREG
I had half a dozen people come up to me and say their kids would love to do this with their dog.
WHITNEY
Me too. Some of them asked where we got the costumes and set.
GREG
Same. When I told them we made them, they were bummed. They all said they didn’t have the time or the talent to make them themselves.
Abby isn’t as happy.
ABBY
I had a couple of people ask too. I told them about the software you developed, Whitney, and they all just shook their heads and said “Never mind.”
Whitney and Greg look at each other, a smile lights up both their faces as the idea unfolds.
WHITNEY
Side hustle?
GREG
If this takes off, we could ditch our day jobs.
WHITNEY
That would be heaven.
Greg checks his growing excitement.
GREG
To go full time, we’d have to do well on national TV. We’d have to get through at least the first round of AGT.
Greg and Whitney look to the kids. Abby frowns.
ABBY
Everybody loved it tonight, but Teddy kept getting distracted by the crowd.
NOAH
Even Diego lost focus a few times.
Abby brightens.
ABBY
But the oops lines got the biggest laughs so that’s not a bad thing, right?
All nod in agreement and Abby frowns again.
ABBY (CONT.)
But they don’t make the same mistakes twice.
NOAH
Maybe we can direct them to pretend to mess up sometimes so we can use some of the funniest Oops lines every time.
WHITNEY
Great idea, Noah. Can you teach them that?
Noah straightens and is more confident.
NOAH
I’ve gotten them this far. I’m sure I can.
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Hope McPherson’s Reveals
What I learned: Asking the questions posed in the assignment had me come up with a nice, long list of things to include from this scene forward, revealing more and more about the plot to cheat the protagonist out of her farm and money. Just asking those questions set me up to add a lot of depth as I work on my next draft of this new spec script. I had the character traits in front of me as I wrote – ALSO a huge help and difference maker.
INT. FARMHOUSE LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Charlie rifles through an old roll-top desk in the corner. Papers, receipts, and notes that were tidy, now get the Charlie touch – some landing on the ground, others shoved aside.
She looks at papers, turns them this way and that, dismisses them. Finds a few old photos, but doesn’t have time to look at them.
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.
Charlie heads to the door, swings it open —
Lois Piper stands on the front stoop.
CHARLIE
Mom!
Lois is dressed to the nines in a fluffy winter coat. Her hair and makeup are more “night on the town” than “down on the farm.” But her attire has seen better days – edges scuffed and tattered.
She swoops into the house, rolling an expensive suitcase, its corners frayed, past Charlie. She does a 360 turns, taking in the living room.
LOIS
I knew it! No Christmas tree.
CHARLIE
You’re not in New York.
LOIS
Obviously. Everyone who’s anyone is leaving for the holidays anyway. And I wanted to see this farm you inherited.
CHARLIE
I’m just going through–
LOIS
Not much to look at, is it? Oh, well. It’ll do.
CHARLIE
It’ll do?
LOIS
Well, this backwoods town won’t have anything more than a fleabag motel. You can’t expect me to stay there, now, can you?
CHARLIE
Um … um … you’re staying here?
LOIS
Master bedroom? Upstairs?
CHARLIE
Um … I’ve been using that room.
LOIS
Good! Then you’ve probably cleared away most of the dirt and dust!
Lois rolls her suitcase to the stairway. Begins to clunk, clunk, clunks the suitcase up the steps. Charlie watches, shellshocked.
LOIS (cont).
I’ll find it! And anything is fine for dinner. I’m not picky!
Charlie mutters to herself as she heads into the kitchen.
INT. FARMHOUSE KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS
CHARLIE
Sure. Make yourself at home, Mom. No, things aren’t going great for me. Thanks for asking. I only have a couple weeks to sell this place, but entertaining you instead of doing that will be just fine. Sure. Just fine.
She yanks out a couple frozen dinners from the freezer and plops them onto the kitchen counter. She swings open the microwave and —
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.
INT. FARMHOUSE LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Charlie heads to the front door again, puzzled. She swings it open, and —
CHARLIE
Amber!
Amber, also dressed to the nines, marches past Charlie. She pulls in a brand-new, pricey, suitcase. No scuffs on this one. Amber takes in the room, scans it critically.
AMBER
I had to come.
CHARLIE
But I said—
AMBER
You’re never going to hit the deadline without me here.
LOIS (O.S.)
Charlie! There’s only one bathroom upstairs!
Amber’s head snaps around.
AMBER
Is that …?
Charlie shrugs.
Lois reappears on the stairs, heading their way.
LOIS
I put my things in the bathroom upstairs. You can use the bathroom downstairs. There is a bathroom downstairs, isn’t there?
Lois sees Amber. Stops mid step. The women glare at each other. Lois reaches the living room, seething.
LOIS
I will not have that home-wrecker in this house!
AMBER
You left John three years before I met him.
LOIS
We were about getting remarried!
Charlie’s mouth drops open. Amber shrugs, smiles.
AMBER
Charlie, which way to my bedroom?
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James’ Reveals
What I learned doing this assignment was that every story is inherently a mystery for the audience whereby there is always something withheld leading to a reveal or many reveals. Therefore, every script has reveals that must be mined and searched to fully develop the potential of any story.
Logline: Mrs. Glass attempts to cleanse and purify Tabitha’s soul by imploring her to never see Pappy ever again causing the declaration of her true love for him.
Current situation/Cover-up: Tabitha hides her real feelings she has for Pappy from everyone.
Demand: Mrs. Glass challenges and requests that Tabitha stop seeing Pappy and to totally remove him from her life.
Reveal: Tabitha bursts from her mother’s pressure and finally declares her true emotions and love for Pappy.
Scene:
INT. TABITHA’S HOME – DAY
The living room is dark, as the window blinds are shut. A spooky silence dominates the house.
Mrs. Glass kneels at her makeshift shrine of faith with her eyes closed. She’s deep in prayer. Her lips mutter the words of supplication…
The front door opens. Tabitha enters.
Mrs. Glass opens her eyes, turns around and rejoices at the sight of her daughter.
MRS. GLASS
Thank you, my savior!
Mrs. Glass sprints over to Tabitha. Gives her a hug.
TABITHA
Mom, I’m fine.
MRS. GLASS
Where have you been?
TABITHA
I needed time to think by myself. I did a lot of walking and gazing at the world around me.
MRS. GLASS
Your world is here. No more contact with that demon in your life.
TABITHA
Demon?
MRS. GLASS
He was here yesterday asking for you.
Tabitha appears content at the notice.
TABITHA
Pappy, was here?
MRS. GLASS
Yes, and I sent him away. That demon of the devil.
Mrs. Glass guides Tabitha to the makeshift shrine comprised of fruits, vegetables, and candles of various colors and sizes.
TABITHA
My goodness. What is it that you worship?
MRS. GLASS
Kneel down.
TABITHA
Mom, I can get you help.
MRS. GLASS
I want you to never come in contact with that demon ever again. Kneel down.
Tabitha humors her mother and takes a knee.
MRS. GLASS
The same goes for his mother. Giving birth to a demon is a sin beyond compare.
TABITHA
They’re good people.
MRS. GLASS
Be quiet. Meditate.
Mrs. Glass pulls out a bucket filled with water from behind the shrine.
TABITHA
Mom, the mental health center does accept your insurance policy.
Mrs. Glass grabs a SPOON from within the bucket. Waves her arm and sprinkles droplets of water on Tabitha who blinks to shield her eyes.
TABITHA
Your condition could be getting worse, Mom. Soon we’re both gonna need help.
Mrs. Glass is not done. She takes out a large SPONGE that’s ready for purification purposes.
MRS. GLASS
You must be cleansed and freed from all of Satan’s workers.
SPLAT! Mrs. Glass drops the mega-sized sponge on Tabitha’s head. Water SPLASHES everywhere.
TABITHA
That’s it, Mom!
Tabitha snatches the sponge and SLAMS it in the bucket. She jumps in her mother’s face.
TABITHA
I care for him. I can’t stop thinking about him. I love him!
They lock eyes with each other. All turns quiet.
MRS. GLASS
The one in the highest will find a way for you.
TABITHA
Oh, my life!
Tabitha bolts out of the cleansing session leaving Mrs. Glass clutching her chest filled with optimism and muttering more supplication.
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Henry Kana (Interest Scene)
What I learned by doing this; there are numerous combinations of locations, characters and scenarios that can make bone chilling scenes.
Log Line: Jerry, a round frumpy camp counselor intimidates Ross, the Camp Cook, about the Roaches and Rats that run rampet in his pristine, spotless Kitchen. Ross, a young hulk of a man that ogled by all the camp girls in down on his knees installing roach bait house.
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
Jerry: What you doin’ there Ross? Tring to get rid of the Critters.
Ross: Funny!
Jerry: Well, if it wasn’t for your looks, none of my girls would set foot in the cesspool.
Ross: Just like they don’t like to visit your Office.
Jerry: Well, you know. They only visit my Office if they are good or naughty.
Ross: And I bet you take advantage of the Naughty Ones. I have heard of the rumors.
Jerry: I’ll tell you what. You drop the accusations about the Naughty girls and I’ll keep the Camp Owners and the Health Dept. out of your Kitchen.
Ross: Ok, Deal.
Jerry: Deal.
Ross: (Smiling) Just curious, what do you do with the Naughty ones?
Jerry: I don’t think it would be prudent to discuss that.
Ross: Ah, come on Jerry, your secrets are my secrets. Besides we have a deal.
Jerry: Well, I guess one would hurt.
Ross hopps up on a sqeaking clean stainless steel table and listen intensly.
Jerry: Well, this one tall, slender red head kept talking about sex to the other girls. So I called her into my Office. I told her she wasn’t to talk like that to the other girls. So I told her if she need to do that she could tell it to me.
Ross: So what then happen?
Jerry: I was surprised, much to my delight, she flung her legs over the arms of the chair and asked my if I liked what I saw. I nodded my head, yes. The next thing, like a flash, she on sitting and grinding on me. It went on all summer and even after camp was over.
Ross: And I had to be a Cook. Hey, can I get in on the action.
Jerry: I don’t think that would be such a good idea. It could put me in jeopardy.
Ross: Oh, come on Jerry. That way, your secret will be my secret too.
Jerry: (Thinking for a minute) You know, maybe you’re probably right on that.
Ross: Damn straight on that.Jerry: Let me call Sandra. She was the grinder. She can help set you up.
Ross: Wait, are you running a business on the side?
Jerry: I wouldn’t call it that. Sandra is in charge. I just supply the materials.
Ross: Hookers? I’m not paying. Or is this something more dark.
Jerry: Let’s just say, after they graduate from Camp, well we rarely see them again. That Sandra call.
-
Carol Paur’s Reveal
What I learned doing this assignment is there is much to hide and much to reveal.
Demand: Barbara wants to go out for their anniversary.
Cover-up: Raymond says he can, but his boss tells him later that he can’t because he has to attend a KKK party.
Reveal: Barbara finds her husband at a KKK event with hookers and men wearing their white robes.
Logline: A wife, looking for her husband on their anniversary, finds him in the arms of a young prostitute.
INT. FRANK MILLER’S OFFICE – RAYMOND’S INNER OFFICE – DAY
Raymond works at his desk. The phone rings.
MARY (O.S.)
Mr. Peterson? It’s your wife.
Intercut between Barbara and Raymond
INT. PETERSON KITCHEN
INT. RAYMOND’S INNER OFFICE
BARBARA PETERSON
The Bishop invited us to his home tonight.
RAYMOND PETERSON
Happy anniversary honey.
BARBARA PETERSON
Oh! Our anniversary. (Beat) Sometimes I wonder if you’re married to me or to Frank?
Raymond grimaces.
BARBARA PETERSON
Sorry. That was cruel.
Raymond says nothing.
BARBARA PETERSON
Raymond are you still there?
Raymond nods.
RAYMOND PETERSON
(whisper)
Yeah.
BARBARA PETERSON
Maybe we could go out to dinner and stop by the Bishop’s house. It’s not too far from the Cathedral.
RAYMOND PETERSON
(to himself)
Or our offices.
BARBARA PETERSON
You know where the Bishop lives?
RAYMOND PETERSON
You know I’m not thrilled with all this. Letter writing. Protesting. It hardly seems fitting for our family situation.
BARBARA PETERSON
Family situation? What does that mean?
Johnny comes running into the kitchen wearing sheets.
JOHNNY PETERSON
Daddy, robe!
Barbara crouches down to Johnny’s level.
BARBARA PETERSON
Johnny, where did you get those sheets?
POV Raymond – listening.
JOHNNY PETERSON (O.S.)
Daddy, robe.
Raymond rolls his eyes.
BARBARA PETERSON (O.S.)
Johnny, go put those sheets back on your bed.
INTERCUT
INT. KITCHEN
INT. RAYMOND’S OFFICE
BARBARA PETERSON
I don’t get it. He’s been doing that so much lately. Do you know why? Did you dress up like a ghost or something?
RAYMOND PETERSON
Johnny will be Johnny. Why don’t we have a quiet dinner at home?
BARBARA PETERSON
I’m home all the time. How about a picnic? It’s beautiful. Maybe we could drive over to Mt. Hood. There are some beautiful spots there.
RAYMOND PETERSON
At night?
BARBARA PETERSON
Why not? I’ll pack some candles. It’ll be romantic. I’ll drop the kids off at mother’s. We’ll have the night to ourselves.
Raymond smiles.
INT. RAYMOND’S OFFICE
Frank enters Raymond’s office and glowers at him. Raymond looks up.
RAYMOND PETERSON
Okay. I’ll be home early, say four?
He hangs up the phone.
FRANK MILLER
Four? Did you ask to leave early?
RAYMOND PETERSON
It’s my anniversary.
FRANK MILLER
(sarcastically)
Ah, happy anniversary. Tell your wife you’ll take her out some other time.
He turns on heels and marches out the office.
FRANK MILLER
(to himself)
Too bad you’ll be dead.
INT. FRANK MILLERS HOUSE – NIGHT
The doorbell rings. Raymond and Bonnie step away. No one answers it. Raymond pulls out his wallet and gives her some cash.
RAYMOND PETERSON
Take Moe and get out of this town. Next time we meet, you better be running for president of the United States.
The doorbell rings again, more persistently. One of the Klan members, fully dressed, drunk, and oblivious to the dangers of opening the door while in costume, opens the door. He leers at Barbara and reaches for her as if she’s an item on a store shelf.
Bonnie hugs Raymond.
Barbara gapes in shock as she takes in the spectacle of robed men before her. Then she sees Bonnie and Raymond, and her eyes explode at the sight.
BARBARA PETERSON
Raymond!
Raymond and Bonnie separate quickly.
RAYMOND PETERSON
Barbara. I thought you were at home.
BARBARA PETERSON
You told me you’d be home by four. Now I know why you’re late.
-
Carolyn’s Reveals
I learned the basic structure of a reveal.
EXT. APARTMENT COURTYARD – DAY
Jess stands in front of an apartment door with her luggage beside her. She knocks.
The curtains on the window move. A chain slides, the door opens. Gisele stands in a robe and slippers looking like a movie star.
GISELE
(irritated)
It’s early.
JESS
Stay away from my sister.
GISELE
Nataly can make her own decisions.
JESS
I mean it, Gisele…what did you say your last name was?
Jess takes out a small pad and pencil ready to write it down. Gisele looks uncomfortable.
GISELE
You’re ridiculous.
Gisele tries to close the door. Jess blocks her.
JESS
What does a woman your age want with an 18 year old kid?
Gisele bristles. Then a rare moment of truth.
GISELE
She’s nice to me.
For a microsecond Jess thaws. But Gisele turns on the freezer. She nods at Jess’s luggage.
GISELE
Long trip? I hope.
JESS
Oh, I’m not going anywhere.
The curtain moves. Jess gets curious, tries to look around Gisele.
JESS
(hopeful)
Nataly?
A cat appears and rubs against Gisele’s leg.
GISELE
Get the hell out of here before I call the cops.
Gisele slams the door in Jess’s face.
INT. GISELE’S APT. – DAY
Gisele leans against the door. Nataly kneels on the couch, she heard it all. They listen to the sound of Jess’s luggage wheels fading away.
NATALY
(concerned)
Where is she going?
Gisele shrugs.
She walks into the kitchen, calling back to Nataly.
GISELE
Did you give any more thought to my proposition?
Nataly squirms a little. Gisele reappears with two wheatgrass shots handing one to Nataly.
Gisele smiles.
GISELE
Look, I don’t want to pressure you, but you’re an adult now. You have to start acting like one. You can’t have your sister paying for everything.
Nataly looks at Gisele, a mixture of fear and resignation on her face. She nods her head yes.
-
Joseph’s Reveals
What I learned doing this assignment was a serious way to add
intrigue to a scene or story!
EXT. CONVENT SIDEWALK – DAY
CELL BUZZ from his coat. Farnsworth, 60, listens, then ends
call, as Rayelle and Nun hostage, Emily, exit the compound.
FARNSWORTH
(almost exhuberant)
Lunch anyone?
Rayelle backpedals, carefully distances herself, hiding gun.
RAYELLE
She’ll fill you in as to why I’m
not to be followed.
EMILY
(to Rayelle)
Wait. You can’t go. You promised my
boy would-
RAYELLE
I’ll be in touch.
EMILY
Please.
Forever the rogue, she’s off.
FARNSWORTH
It had to come down to us anyway.
Rayelle now out of sight, Farnsworth’s finger snap brings a
tube container from the limousine, carried by NEW BAD GUY.
FARNSWORTH (CONT’D)
Commendable job the other night.
(offers tube)
And I almost destroyed our other
prize. Hope it’s in good hands.
EMILY
That’s what I was trying to explain
to Rayelle, before your arrival.
Emily steps toward him.
EMILY (CONT’D)
But now you’ve jeopardize the well
being of people very close to me.
Emily peels away her Habit headdress, tosses it aside, and
moves in for the kill.
FARNSWORTH
(about Rayelle)
We’ve known her every move. An old
nemesis. Her European friend, too.
Emily’s halted in her attack-
FARNSWORTH (CONT’D)
Who’s faked her death so many times
I’ve lost count.
Farnsworth feigns hands-up dread. Hands tube to Emily.
FARNSWORTH (CONT’D)
The boy and Doctor are quite safe.
I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.
FARNSWORTH (CONT’D)
It’s okay. They’re well protected.
(about the tube)
And it was wrong for me to steal
this one from you three years ago.
In the silence, Farnsworth gestures toward Convent.
FARNSWORTH (CONT’D)
I was raised here. One of the many
forgotten orphans. Seems now I’ve
forgotten to give thanks.
EMILY
We still struggle with placement
for many.
FARNSWORTH
But not your own.
A soft nod from Emily reveals a pain worse than her cancer.
FARNSWORTH (CONT’D)
It couldn’t have been easy, and I’m
partly to blame.
EMILY
I’m not following.
2.
FARNSWORTH
I had a son once. Edward.
An Emily back-pedal step, then awestruck posture.
FARNSWORTH (CONT’D)
No real direction in his life.
Well, you might say only an
obsession. It seems he took
something from you that wasn’t his
to take.
You could knock Emily over with a feather about now.
FARNSWORTH (CONT’D)
And he finally paid for his many
transgressions. I’m sorry that was
thrown upon you, too.
EMILY
Thou shalt not kill. I’ll accept my
own penance one day. Soon.
(a revelation)
But that makes you-
FARNSWORTH
The grandfather. And I wouldn’t
know where to begin.
EMILY
Genesis. Maybe it’s never too late
for a beginning.
FARNSWORTH
Let me think on it.
Almost back into Limo.
FARNSWORTH (CONT’D)
Also, I’m terribly sorry for your
health problems.
EMILY
If you’re a praying person…
FARNSWORTH
I could do that much.
(of Rayelle, again)
By the way, she’s actually leading
us to an even bigger prize as we
speak. And the more twists to the
story, the more valuable it will
be.
-
<div>
Doug Ryan
Reveals
What I learned from doing this assignment was I can add intrigue in a scene with limiting my dialogue, more action and adding as many interest techniques to a scene as possible. It enhances my writing and I can see a scene in a different way.
Logline: Red wakes up at home after a night of killing and has to confront her wife, Julie.
</div>
INT. RED’S APPARTMENT- BEDROOM – THE NEXT DAY
Red wakes up in her bed, she looks left, MAEVE,8, is curled up in the middle of the bed. She looks for her wife but she is not there.
She hears JULIE, 30’s, in the kitchen. She gets up and heads for the smell of coffee.
INT. RED’S APPARTMENT- LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Julie sits on a couch watching the morning news sipping coffee.
TV REPORTER
There was a wherehouse fire early this morning in what authorities are calling arson. Three bodies were found inside with no heads or hands. They believe…
She mutes the tv as she sees Red in the reflection.
JULIE
Poured you a cup. It’s on the counter. Also plugged your phone in.
Red grabs the cup and heads to the couch. Julie stands as Red sits. She grabs her hand lightly and looks at her softly.
RED
Where ya going love?
She turns and looks at her and nods towards the TV.
JULIE
This town seems to be going to shit.
Red looks away and sucks her lips into her teeth.
RED
Sorry I was out so late love.
Julie scowls and shakes her head and clenches her fist. She is holding back tears, barely. Red tries to pull her down to the couch. Julie yanks her hand out of Reds’.
Julie scowls and takes a deep breath.
JULIE
Was it worth it?
Red sips coffee and shifts her eyes from Julie to the TV and back.
JULIE
Don’t you do that! Maeve wanted to know where her mamma was last night! I thought you were going to be with us?
Red looks into the coffee mug ashamed, and guilty. She speaks softly as if she doesn’t believe the words herself.
RED
Tell her I was out doing some good.
Julie tosses Reds’ phone on her lap her voice rising but with knowledge of the little girl sleeping in the next room.
JULIE
Good? That’s rich. So who was it.
RED
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
She has had enough of Red’s game. Julie knows Red was out moonlighting.
JULIE
Check your god damn messages. I did.
Red looks at her with guilty eyes and quickly looks away. Julie nods in disapproval.
JULIE
I’m taking Maeve to the park.
Julie puts her coffee down and heads to the bedroom. Red picks up her phone and stares at the family photo on the screen. She’s fucking this up.
JULIE (O.S.)
Wash your fucking jacket it smells like gas and smoke. It’s a miracle you didn’t get any blood on it.
Red raises her eyebrows and shake her head. Whispering to herself.
RED
Not divine, just common sense.
Red checks her messages.
RED’S PHONE
DENNY: Hey got a job big $$$, going down soon. Let me know.
RED: (Typing) I have domestics, so think I’ll pass for now.
Red sends and scrolls to next message.
BIG T: Come to Gino’s tonight at 8. Got a job.
RED: Ginos @ 8.
Sends and scrolls.
O’RYAN: Sorry to hear about your marriage. Let us know when we can see Maeve. (smiley face) You two should come home (Irish flag)
RED: Well brother, I’ll let you know. I’m working right now, talk to you soon.
Sends, click.
Red takes a big sip of coffee and looks at the picture of Maeve. She looks like her mother except for her long red hair. How did she even get that red hair?
RED
Ok, lets go to the park!
-
Kathleen Schank
What I learned from this assignment is that there is an art of writing demand/ reveal/ cover ups to double the quality of a scene. This is a method that will never fail of better thinking.
Logline: Men are seated at the bar going over what happened last night in their conversation. They have committed certain crimes in order to obey the bar owners wishes.
34 INT ROADHOUSE
Numbskull, and King Cobra are seated in the corner of the bar. Owner Scott Danielson is busy working there and joins them to sit down for a while and have a drink together with Filthy. Ken walks in and sits down not far from them at a table.
KING COBRA
Where is it? You’ve got to maintain your brain… die numb! Right Numbskull? Do you have it or not?
NUMBSKULL
(He says to Filthy)
Um… right. Now just a minute- someone must have something to numb my skull. Come on, out with it!
KEN
The gang’s all here. I thought you would’ve left town with King Cobra.
NUMBSKULL
Well, King and I had to do a little filthy business. That’s all I know.
SCOTT DANIELSON
They help me keep up the place. Keeping this operation running smoothly every day is no easy task. But we always have a little fun on the side.
KING COBRA
If there’s any side work here we’ll stop on by. Always have a good time.
FILTHY
This year we’ll all have new engines.
KEN
You’re pace setters. Everyone can see that.
SCOTT DANIELSON
Hey, Numbskull! Tell me what were you doin’ at the highway last night?
NUMBSKULL
Highway? The high and dry way. I don’t think I was on the highway.
SCOTT
I was sure that Filthy told me you drove him and Ken there to the meeting place.
NUMBSKULL
I can’t remember what I did ten minutes ago, let alone last night.
FILTHY
All I know is that Ken got out of his truck- walked a few paces away and met a man. That’s what he told me he was gonna do.
SCOTT
Really, Ken did that? Okay. So, he’s our new man.
FILTHY
Here.
(Hands him a small package.)
It’s as clean as my record.
SCOTT
Filthy! You know how to do outside work. Why don’t you and Numbskull keep some of the money.
KEN
Listen Scott, I don’t mind helping with work- but jobs like these… I don’t like a lot.
SCOTT
That’s too bad- I always enjoy a night out. I’m just sorry I wasn’t there.
FILTHY
(Aside to Ken)
I had to- to take the bike. That dealer you won’t see anymore.
KEN
I understand. Just let me know when the bike arrives over the borderline.
NUMBSKULL
Was there an outlaw there? You know sometimes I think- I’ve seen ‘em ridin’…
FILTHY
You’re going crazy – Numbskull. You never drove that truck. And rustlers from a long time ago aren’t joining us for drinks either.
NUMBSKULL
This man here- Ken, is our new amigo!
KING COBRA
(raising his glass)
Let’s drink to Ken here! Amigos!
-
Joe’s Reveals
What I learned doing this assignment that improved my writing is when a hidden thing stays hidden until the end of the scene, the suspense builds.
Select a situation from your script and write it using the Reveal Model
Select a
scene that NEEDS a cool reveal and give us the logline of the scene.Amazon forest scene
Ask questions to lead to a list of
possible reveals.What do I want to hide from the
reader for dramatic effect?
What are the characters hiding
from each other?
What is already known that would
be more dramatic if hidden, then revealed?
What would be the best/worst/most
dramatic thing that could be revealed at this point?
Knowing this story, what could be
under the surface
that would create more drama for my characters?
Are there any deeper meanings to
the things my character are saying and doing?List the structure of the scene
through the three steps of the Reveal Model. Demand: the aliens are realCover-up: all but Grueber are convinced they are fake
Reveal: deep down everyone realized the severed arm was real
Write the scene.
5. INT. AMAZON JUNGLE – EVENING
6. Their gear in a pile, the four pore over a map. Grueber in charge.
7. GRUEBER Four point two miles to the airport.
8. JAKE (dazed) Four…airport?
9. He shakes his head clear.
10. JAKE (CONT’D) Right! The airport is safe.
11. GRUEBER Avores—
12. SCOUT Doesn’t care. We’re gone to them. But did you see that actor’s cold eyes? That…bone-cruncher? That was cool.
13. THOMAS Dorkos. You are so easily entertained.
14. SCOUT Somebody sure has a good imagination, huh, Jake?
15. GRUEBER Can’t stay here.
16. JAKE Why not? The loggers don’t care anymore. They won’t be tracking us.
17. GRUEBER That guy with his arm beside him. That wasn’t fake.
18. THOMAS (laughing) You’re gonna tell me that was real? Yeah, right.
19. Grueber looks at each, into them, deep in their eyes. Nobdy wants to look back
20. GRUEBER So. What does your gut tell you? Live actoor or dead soldier?
21. A long, loud silence.
22. SCOUT Let’s keep moving.
-
Tom’s Reveals
What I learned doing this assignment is it’s fun to give the reader high quality interest and suspense.
Scene Logline: Clare wants to hide the truth about the undies from her mom.
INT. CLARE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Kate puts Clare’s clean clothes into her dresser. She notices slinky thong undies hidden at the bottom.
KATE
Where did you get these?CLARE
They’re for blackmail. Just in case.KATE
What’s that mean?
CLARE
If Warren sues for my custody when
you leave, I’ll threaten to show pictures
of me wearing them I took on his phone.KATE
But what keeps him from going
after you anyway when I leave?CLARE
I also used the undies to seduce my
teacher Bill into leaving his family. We’ll
live together and he’ll to protect me. #
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