-
Lesson 27
Reply to post your assignment.
-
2 Replies
-
Rita's QE Cycle #6 Scene – Draft 2
WHAT I LEARNED:
-I needed more adherence to the character traits which added to the subtext.EXT. LIFEBOAT-MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN – DAY
Marcus (35) in slacks and a white shirt, ready for fine dining reclines with his head against the inflated yellow rim.
Carley (26) huddles with her head on her knees. She covers as much skin as possible with her skimpy sundress.
The boat rocks on a peaceful surface in the full, hot sun.
CARLEY
What are we going to do with him?
MARCUS
Forgive me, but we're all just bodies.
He lifts his head finally to inspect the third passenger/body.
A middle-aged man lies in a puddle on the floor of the boat. Unconscious in underwear and a ripped shirt. PASSENGER THREE is somehow pale and sunburned at the same time.
Carley checks their compadre's pulse.
CARLEY
Three is still kickin'.
MARCUS
Really?
CARLEY
You sound like you're disappointed.
MARCUS
Sorry. I'm just so… thirsty.
He eyes her cleavage as she leans over Three to listen for breathing. He gurgles.
CARLEY
I don't understand. He was so lively when I fell asleep last night. What happened?
MARCUS
How would I know? He didn't even want to tell us his name. Bum ticker?
CARLEY
Did you rip his shirt?
Marcus lays his head back down. Over it.
MARCUS
Right. It was me. Couldn't be any other cause in this whole situation.
Carley sighs and goes back to her duck and cover.
A shark fin breaches the surface in the distance. Then another.
CARLEY
Have you ever considered being nice and like, realize I'm your only friend right now?
Marcus flips himself to his knees, the boat rocks.
MARCUS
Oh, I've considered.
Marcus crawls past Three toward Carley.
Carley grabs the perimeter ropes as the boat tilts and sharks move closer but unseen by these two. Or Three.
CARLEY
You're going to capsize us!
Sharks submerge out of sight as Carley scans the waters in a panic.
MARCUS
Hey, we're probably shark meat anyway. What do you say we go out with a literal bang.
She shoves him back with her foot.
CARLEY
Oh. My. God. That wins the creepiest pick up line ever. No, thank you.
But there's also a coy smile.
MARCUS
Yeah, I saw your plan. You're just sorry that Mister Swarthy Moneybags here shit the bed. You were getting all cozy with him before he…
Marcus gestures at the non-responsive, almost corpse.
CARLEY
Gross. You are so not cool.
Sweat beads up and runs down her clavicle into her dress.
MARCUS
Neither are you.
He splashes sea water at her.
CARLEY
We might be in this tiny boat but you have a long way to go to get on my good side.
He cools her down with a full handful over her head.
She finally looks at him with kindness.
He smiles.
Three coughs. Startles them both.
But then goes quiet.
Carley checks him again.
CARLEY
Oh, no.
MARCUS
Really?
CARLEY
Do you think he was Saudi royalty?
Marcus tenses.
MARCUS
Did he tell you that?
CARLEY
I mean, sort of.
MARCUS
What did he say? Was it when I dozed off?
Carley eyes him.
CARLEY
What's the matter? Jealous?
Now she splashes Marcus. He switches moods.
MARCUS
I think I just inherited his floating kingdom. And the king gets what he whatever he wants.
He gives her skirt a tug.
She slaps his hand.
CARLEY
Do we say a few words?
Marcus does a hitchhiker's thumb to point overboard.
MARCUS
Are you planning a science experiment out here? I got dibs on his shirt. You want his boxers?
CARLEY
Gross.
MARCUS
You could wash them. Plenty of water.
CARLEY
Ha, ha.
She shades her eyes and squints at Three.
CARLEY
Maybe.
MARCUS
Gimme a hand.
Carley buries her head again.
CARLEY
Oh, God. Please, no.
Marcus inhales sharply. A ship sails on the horizon. Marcus's eyes dart between Three, the ship and Carley. And a shark's fin. He undresses the limp, lifeless corpse named Three.
MARCUS
Sorry, buddy but under these circumstances, all improprieties are forgiven.
He dunks Three's boxers several time, keeps a close eye on the shark fins. Wrings them out. Drapes them over Carley's head.
CARLEY
I can't believe I have a dead man's boxers on my head.
MARCUS
And you like it.
Carley laughs. A little hysterical.
CARLEY
Home grown farm girl. I never thought castrating bulls was character prep for ship wreck.
MARCUS
Hey, ex-nay on the ulls-bay. Three's balls are out.
(to Three)
She didn't mean it, man. Ain't no Rocky Mountain oysters getting grilled up out here.
Marcus scoots closer, careful not to cause the boat to tilt.
CARLEY
What if we get rescued? What do we tell people?
MARCUS
We don't tell them anything.
He moves a matted strand of hair out of her face.
She accepts the kindness. Gazes into his eyes.
He kisses her cheek.
CARLEY
I'm a good girl.
MARCUS
I'm sure you —
She grabs his face. A full, passionate kiss next to a naked, dead body.
The ship isn't any closer but the girl is.
Marcus, in one motion, tosses Three overboard.
He sinks, then bobs back up.
Shark fins close in on Three.
Marcus closes in on Carley.
The ship continues on the horizon. -
WHAT I LEARNED: I learned I could make it a little better by setting up the danger prediction early. I didn't inject us into danger right off the bat but I did hint at it.
I added another little reveal with setup. And a few extra bits. I don't know if I doubled the quality but I believe I made it better, which is the right direction.EXT. DOCK – DAY
A marina in a tropical setting, a gentle breeze blowing.CARLA, well-toned and no nonsense, breathes in the salt on the seat of a 32-foot charter boat. She’s the only passenger. Crusty Captain ALGIERS unties the boat from the dock.
CARLA
It’s paradise here. I needed this cruise tour all to myself. My job back home is quite stressful.CAPTAIN ALGIERS
Just don’t dip your toes in the water. The sea here is full of killer sharks.Captain Algiers hops in and slowly backs the boat out.
As it inches from the dock, someone JUMPS in. This is MARCUS, his loud Hawaii tourist shirt flapping.MARCUS
Sorry, sorry, sorry I’m late. NOW you can take off, captain.CARLA
Excuse me, but I chartered this boat for myself.MARCUS
No, I chartered it for me. Captain, it looks like you double-booked.
But it’s okay. Go ahead and take off. She can fish, too, on my cruise.CAPTAIN ALGIERS
Fine. Just remember, the cabin is off limits. It’s a lead paint insurance nightmare.Captain Algiers nods at the large hook securing the cabin door. Then he steers the boat out into the sea.
CARLA
(to Marcus)
YOUR cruise? I’m here for whale watching. To enjoy the peace of nature. Please tell me your fishing is catch and release.MARCUS
Catch them just to let them go? That doesn’t make sense.CARLA
You would take these beautiful creatures from their home, abuse them, and torture them, for your fun?MARCUS
No. I’m going to bash them on the head, gut them, and eat them. Don’t you eat fish?CARLA
If it’s packaged, from the store. I don’t squeeze the life out of them.MARCUS
Ah, I see. I’m a killer. And you’re a hypocrite.She gives him a glare like acid.
Radio noise comes from the inside the cabin. Captain Algiers slips the hook off the door and scoots into the cabin, closing the door behind him.
INT. BOAT CABIN – DAY
Captain Algiers speaks into his radio.CAPTAIN ALGIERS
(into the radio)
Yes, I… It has to be today? But I… all right. I’ll meet you out there as soon as I can.Angry, he storms out of the cabin and back to the deck.
Behind him, strewn around the cabin are STACKS OF ILLEGAL DRUGS.EXT. BOAT – DAY
Captain Algiers emerges from the cabin. As he grabs the steering wheel, he takes a big swig of whiskey.MARCUS
Everything okay, skipper?CAPTAIN ALGIERS
Yeah. But I need to meet a friend a few miles out.MARCUS
Sure, go ahead.CARLA
Excuse me, but who put you in charge of making decisions for MY tour?MARCUS
The current heads out. Better chance of fish AND whales in deep water. You do want to see them, right?She purses her lips.
MARCUS (CONT’D)
Sorry if I’m making you uncomfortable. Let’s change the subject. So, what do you do? Wait. Let me guess. Tight muscles, no tan except your left arm, no make-up. I’m thinking you drive a truck. A big one.CARLA
Well, I… Actually, I drive a toxic waste tanker truck. How did you guess?MARCUS
I put things together, like a logic puzzle. And I’ve got a big-ass imagination. Wanna know what I do? I’m a bookie. People pay me to place bets for them.CARLA
You win money for them?MARCUS
(laughs)
Mostly they lose money. The beauty of it — the more they lose, the more I make!CARLA
You’re proud of that?MARCUS
It’s fun! Hey, if they want to throw their cash away, why shouldn’t I score? You don’t agree?CARLA
I’d rather not say what I’m thinking.MARCUS
Come on, tough chick. Spit it out.CARLA
You’re a bottom-feeder.MARCUS
And you’re a dike. Oops. Did I say that out loud?Carla SLAPS him.
Marcus grins.
MARCUS
You didn’t want to lose control, did you? Not in public. If you call Captain Ahab there ‘public.”CARLA
I can’t do this. I just can’t.She unhooks the cabin door and starts in.
Captain Algiers YANKS her back onto the deck. He slams the door shut, hooks it, and bars it with a spear gun jabbed into the wood.
CAPTAIN ALGIERS
I said NO CABIN ACCESS!Captain Algiers takes another swig as he steers. Marcus frowns. Carla looks nervously out to sea.
After a while she turns to Marcus.CARLA
Since you do investments, I have a finance question. In private.She nods towards the far corner of the boat. Marcus follows her there. When they’re as far from the captain as possible:
MARCUS
(quiet)
Okay. What did you see in the cabin?CARLA
How did you..? Never mind. It’s drugs. He’s got bales of it all packaged up, ready to go.Marcus thinks a moment. Then:
MARCUS
He’s going to unload them. Out at sea. Which means he’s going to have to get rid of us. They’ll have to kill us.CARLA
In cold blood? You think he could do that?MARCUS
You think he can’t? He’ll have no choice. He knows it. Why do you think he started drinking like that? Okay, here’s the plan. You get his attention. Get him focused away from that steering wheel. Then I can take control of the boat.She frowns, nervous.
MARCUS
You can do this. Hey, you wrestle 1,000 pounds of toxic waste every day.She nods. Then she perches on the seat behind the captain.
CARLA
Oh, Captain Algiers. It’s awfully hot, isn’t it?Captain Algiers ignores her.
CARLA (CONT’D)
Captain, I said I am REALLY REALLY hot!The captain turns his head towards her.
Carla WHIPS off her shirt, her chest fully exposed.
Captain Algiers stares.
Marcus stares.CARLA (CONT’D)
(to Marcus)
Excuse me!MARCUS
Sorry!With the whisky bottle, Marcus BASHES the captain over the head. The captain crumbles to the floor.
Carla wiggles back into her shirt.CARLA
Is he all right?Marcus takes the steering wheel and turns the boat around.
MARCUS
We’ll deal with that later. I’m getting us out of here. I don’t see his “friends.” I think we’re okay.Carla finds a pair of binoculars and scans the horizon.
CARLA
Yes, it looks clear. Wait! I see something!MARCUS
Where? WHERE?CARLA
No, it’s just a buoy. You’re right. We’re… oh no! A boat! Really far out but heading straight towards us. FAST! What do we do? Dump the drugs? Fight them off?MARCUS
They’ll have guns! And we don’t even have a life-boat. Wait — he didn’t tell them he had passengers, did he? They might think he got drunk and tripped. Hey, can you swim?CARLA
Killer sharks? Or drug lords with guns?
(her face grim, she nods)
Yeah, I can swim.He turns the ship to face the oncoming dot on the horizon. They look down at the raging waves, the water so cold. The land so far.
CARLA (CONT’D)
If this works, I’ll never forget that you saved me.MARCUS
You saved me back.CARLA
I’m not a dike.MARCUS
I know.He pulls her to him and plants a quick kiss. To her surprise, she kisses him back.
They hold hands.
Together they JUMP.
-
This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by Mary Albanese. Reason: re-posted so that it gets the line spacing correct
-
This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by Mary Albanese. Reason: Just for fun, to up the fear/hope and make their fight a little more physical
-
This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by
Log in to reply.