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Lesson 16
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Rita's Nancy & Squire Scene – Draft 2
What I learned:
– The cliffhanger is a valuable IT to keep in mind. Before it was a scene contained almost as a full short but the cliffhanger could turn it into a horror with an unstoppable lion on a rampage.
– It's hard to know just how much was improved. I just assessed whether the traits and ITs are in the scene.
– This scene is more heavy on action/description than I normally write so it feels valuable to fit the ITs in there as a learning exercise.LOGLINE: Nancy's evening hike turns to an attempt to team up with Squire and escape a horror he has caused.
ESSENCE: Conflicting goals — Squire wants to save the deer but Nancy wants to save herself and him.EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD – EVENING
Large, forested lots with log homes and three acres between them alongside a rushing creek. Nothing but wilderness past this new neighborhood built around old, miners' homesteads.NANCY (32) strolls uphill, a fit woman in well-worn, outdoor clothing and a small backpack on a beautiful summer hike.
She turns past her neighbor's obscenely large log house towards a trailhead.She waves and fake smiles at SQUIRE (56) as he dumps feed on his gravel driveway. He wears a fuchsia golf shirt and white shorts, the picture of pudgy, early retirement, city transplant.
NANCY
Hey, you know it's not wise to feed the wildlife. I could report you to the Forest Service.SQUIRE
That's not very neighborly of you. Why don't you come in and enjoy some wildlife with me?He tilts his head toward the house with slanted smile and a wink.
NANCY
Just wait. They'll figure out your routine and you'll either have an encounter with an animal you don't want or a fine.SQUIRE
Sounds like a threat.NANCY
Nature doesn't issue threats.
(to herself)
Moron.A doe and her fawn leap across the creek after Squire returns to the house to watch them eat from his offering.
Nancy picks up the pace. A few yards up the trail, she stops to listen. Scans the surroundings.
NANCY
Dammit. Do I take a chance?She rubs her forehead as she considers. One last look back at the scene, she shakes her head and continues up the mountain.
EXT. TRAIL – DUSK
Nancy bounds downhill, sweaty and smiling, on return from her hike toward a small bridge behind Squire's house.A horrific wail penetrates the still evening.
A sound of distress like no one has ever heard. Unrecognizable but clearly not human.
She hikes fast toward Squire's yard, then she sees it.
A mountain lion with massive paws and murderous intent in his eyes holds the doe to the ground by it's neck. His long, muscular tail stretches out to help keep her stationary.
Squire yells.
SQUIRE
Hey! Get out of here!He runs down his deck stairs banging a pot.
NANCY
Oh, god.She runs toward the scene. Stops.
NANCY
Shit.She looks around. Thick, thorny blackberry bushes everywhere. Only the wilderness on her own or the idiot below.
Squire moves closer to the wild animals with his not-scary kitchenware.
The lion lets loose of the deer's punctured windpipe but keeps her pinned to the ground with his body. He eyes Squire and blows a puff of angered air out his flared nostrils.
The lion assesses his prey, still flailing with a gurgled moan but soon to suffocate from compromised respiration.
Squire bangs and waves his arms.
SQUIRE
Shoo. Leave her alone!NANCY
Shut up! Go back inside. Please!The lion spots her.
Now he stands.
SQUIRE
Yeah, go on. Get outta here.Nancy freezes.
NANCY
Please be quiet, Squire.SQUIRE
He's got my doe.The doe struggles in a heartbreaking attempt to stand but she's too injured.
NANCY
It's not your doe, it's his dinner.Squire yells at the mountain lion.
The big cat looks even bigger as he moves in slow motion closer to Squire. Now, it's a face off.
SQUIRE
Oh shit.He get it. Freezes.
NANCY
Finally.A rustle in the bushes catches all their attention.
The fawn bleats or brays, calls to it's mother.
The lion lifts it's nose in the fawn's direction.
Squire looses his cool. Bangs on the pot and charges.
SQUIRE
No you don't!NANCY
Oh, Jesus. Stop!The lion keeps his focus on the extra, tasty morsel in the bushes.
Bangs and yells continue.
Nancy heaves her backpack in the fawn's direction. It takes off, a tempting chase.
The lion lunges toward the fawn.
Nancy makes a break for it.
She tears across the bridge, through the tall open grass of Squire's undeserved property, up his deck stairs.
NANCY
Come on, Squire! Get inside.She tugs on his shirt as she runs past but he only stumbles backward but stays put.
SQUIRE
It's just a helpless little fawn. How are you so heartless?The doe lies lifeless next to the pile of feed. The fawn was a quick and easy kill. Dinner and desert.
Squire's useless, noisy percussion continues.
The cat's ears lower as he stalks Squire.
SQUIRE
Oh my god!Nancy bangs a pair of tongs on the lid of Squire's spotless grill, like he ever cooks. Now she's the screamer.
And then… quiet.
The color drains from her face as her neighbor's head hits the bottom stair with the lion on his back.
Giant, sharp fangs sink into Squire's jugular as blood spirts out across the lion's head. He closes one eye and waits.
There's that same horrific wail. Like no one has ever heard before, now from Squire's mouth but much more brief.
The lion drags Squire's limp body, reduced to meat, to the creek, head first into the shallow water and leaves it there.
In shock, Nancy just watches.
The lion returns for the doe. Drags her all the way across the creek into the brambles.
He rips into the fawn. A quick appetizer before the feast.
Nancy collapses onto the redwood boards of the deck and wails. A very human sound of horror and grief.
In the distance, the lion licks his lips over the decimated fawn. Watches Nancy.
He steps over what remains of his snack.
Slow. Stalk. Toward the deck…
Nancy remembers she's not alone and goes quiet. She stands.
She too moves slowly with her hand out to grab the doorknob of Squire's house with her terrified eyes locked on the lion.
Her outstretched hand shakes. She fumbles, then finds the door handle. Turns and pushes…
THUD.
Her shoulder hits the still-shut door. She jiggles it frantically…
EXT. NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE
A couple pulls grocery bags out of the trunk of their car.The WOMAN grab's the MAN'S arm.
WOMAN
Did you hear that?MAN
It didn't sound human.They both listen. Quiet.
The man shrugs.
WOMAN
Weird. Did you get the deer food? -
Rita, I really liked your revised draft. I laughed out loud at the last line. 🙂
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Thanks, Mary. She asked about cheese until I had a thought about it being scene in a horror thriller with an unrelenting mountain lion. Like Jaws in the woods.
I think I pasted it into the wrong thread so thanks for finding and reading. 🙂
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I posted mine in the Lesson 15 forum. I am pretty excited about the Pitch Sell Repeat class coming up. Kind of exciting there are three of us in this class doing the pitch class. I am using this class to get my horror script in shape to pitch. It is so much easier to write these exercise scenes (no pressure, no stress) than to re-write my horror script. I need to just jump in and do it, adding interest techniques and really focusing on the characters’ 4 main traits.
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Yes, PSR is a great, methodical system for marketing. It’s intense and slightly exhausting but I feel completely different about interacting with producers now than I did in April. I’m looking forward to getting another script ready as I had a little too much going on throughout marketing in May. There are a few of us going right back into it, some encouraging folks who elevate the group. If you want to exchange, I’d be happy to read: rita@ritaroberts.com
Disclaimer: horror isn’t my genre but I’m willing to give my impressions.Glad you’re in the group!
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I found this comical, as on this morning’s run I came head to head with a Javelina. Maybe a fifty pounder, young male. he skedaddled once my dog started barking. But, for a brief second, I thought there might be a fight. it was no mountain lion.
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A javelina could do some damage and must’ve gotten your heart racing! But dogs are great company for diverting wildlife. I actually had the experience in my scene when I lived in Northern California — minus the human deaths. The lion had his dinner and that was his focus. A different neighbor shot the mountain lion a few days later but watching him hold down that deer by the neck… I would be easy pickings. The tail and the paws are so huge and powerful, I can still see it. However, I still hike by myself but turn around whenever I get a feeling of some other presence. Animals really just want to stay away from us if they can so that javelina will probably just be trying to avoid you on your runs from now on.
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Yeah, second time running into them. They have poor eye sight, well, they have poor everything. My dog just looks at me and says, “that’s one ugly looking dog.” i tell him not to judge. But I had a question. I’ve added Max Interest Techniques to my scene, but I find them to be not value added? meaning, I might be adding another Anticipatory Dialogue, to other’s I already have and in reality would probably cut it. Are you having this issue?
And as for adding something like a Hook. i could, but would mean a rewrite of the scene? Also, could a scene technically have a hook by how it ends? Meaning the cliffhanger and situation the characters find themselves at the end could be a Hook?
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That's funny about your dog's reaction to the javelinas.
As for your question, Hal would say you are trying to enlist others to agree with your fear, haha 😀
But I think I know what you mean. For me it was, "Is this adding value or just making it a very long scene?" I've been wondering how many fully packed scenes can fit into one script or is there a rhythm to it? Like, short, short, long scene with all the ITs while the short ones just have a few.
I found that I tend to add a fair amount of ITs to the first draft… but then I check that to make sure I'm not kidding myself or looking for a reason to not do a full overhaul. Then, was my second draft doubled in quality? Dunno. Maybe one good hook doubles it?
As for hooks… I think it's whatever makes a reader want to keep reading.
Not sure if this helps or creates more questions. I hope you'll ask Hal. See you soon in class!
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Draft 2, Squire and Nancy
Well, thanks to the assignment and challenge, I wondered what it would look like if I set the hospital in a war-torn country, in the hospital of a project funded by the U.S., and if the patient was not a sympathetic soul, so I added that in and saw the harassment looked even worse in that setting, Squire appeared even more self-centered, and the setting provided more of a foil for the characters. It emerged that the nurse, Squire, doesn’t really care at all about saving patients, which may, or may not, be a Thing. I don’t know; is compassion a prereq for a medical career? We assume so. I have no medical background.
But I do hear stories.
Then I wondered if I gave Dr. Nancy a huge handicap, esp for a surgeon, so I made her one-eyed.
And a whole different Situation emerged.ONE MORNING IN THE O.R. IN UGANDA
Logline: A disabled surgeon and her narcissistic nurse clash during a high-stakes surgery, ignoring the best interests of the patient
Essence: Egos rule the ORAt 2 a.m. in a busy hospital, funded by the US government, in war torn Uganda, DR. NANCY, Anesthetist and NurseB scrub in for a Hail Mary surgery effort to save the life of a terrorist who has blown up a children’s ward .
2nd scene is a makeshift OR, with scant nurses and technicians who prep hurriedly as SQUIRE waltzes in, seemingly unbothered by the severity of the case and flirts with everyone present, winking and posing, taking selfies.
SQUIRE
I’m not going to ask WHY Dr. Nancy called a middle-of-the-night surgery. I imagine it’s to up her numbers this month. This could wait until daybreak, and besides, it’s a monster we’re bringing in. Why rush to save him?
NURSE B
You and Dr. Nancy will never be friends, will you? And shame on you for judging. It’s not ethical to judge life or death.
SQUIRE
Nancy’s a cold one-eyed beoch. And nurses don’t take the Hippocratic Oath, for your information. Why do we care what happens to this patient of all patients?
NURSE B
Dr. Nancy’s focused on her work and medical progress. You’re only focused on yourself.
SQUIRE
Maybe you and I should get together one day. I can show you a good time while I focus on myself.
NURSE B
You’re predictable, ya know.DR. NANCY blasts into the Operating Room wearing an eye patch over one eye.
DR. NANCY
The recorders will be on, right? I’ll need all the data to write up this one for publication.SQUIRE
Yes, Doctor, we’ve been ready. Why your delay?
DR. NANCY
Don’t start with me big guy. I just had my good eye operated on by a marginally educated technician.
SQUIRE
You and me could have fun together. I can be the lookout.
DR. NANCY
In your dreams, Nurse.
SQUIRE
That’s where we are stuck actually.
DR. NANCY
Really? You’re going to harass your superior in a U.S. federally funded facility? That can cost you. We’ve got a life in front of us to save. I need you to focus. Thankfully, we got the best OR before Dr. Mitchell grabbed it.
SQUIRE
You got a thing for him too?
DR. NANCY
Squire, gimme Heart Rate? BP?
SQUIRE
Looks okay. Unsure if the machinery works this morning. Power outages all over.
DR. NANCY
I need numbers.
SQUIRE
60-ish and 120/70
DR. NANCY
60ish? Exact number please.
SQUIRE
If you insist Doc. It’s a 69. Ironically.
DR. NANCY
Why so high under sedation?
SQUIRE
Ask the lazy anesthetist.
DR. NANCY
I’m asking you, Squire. Nurse Squire, in case you’ve forgotten.
SQUIRE
Okay, I’ll ask the anesthetist. Hey, kid, put down your phone. Is Heart Rate ok? Dr. Nancy is freaking over here.
DR. NANCY
(shouting) I’m not freaking! For the record. I am NOT freaking!
SQUIRE
Are you sure you can see? Want to scream it a little louder? Dr. Mitchell can’t hear you down the hall.
DR. NANCY
I don’t care.
SQUIRE
Oh yes you do! (looking up at monitor) By the way Doctor, your patient is now crashing.
DR. NANCY
What?
SQUIRE
Just got a side eye from the anesthetist kid and she called a STAT. But there’s no Code Blue team in Uganda, so say goodbye to another monster, Doc.
DR. NANCY backs away from the surgery table and removes gloves, cursing.
DR. NANCY
F*ck. Dr. Mitchell probably heard the STAT call.
SQUIRE
Win some, lose some, Doc. Welcome to a war zone. Let’s grab brunch. -
Kimbal Thompson
REVISED SCENE with INTEREST TECHNIQUES:
INT. SQUIRE’S CLASSIC MERCEDES 300 SL GULLWING – DUSK
The vintage car devours a long, empty stretch of two-lane highway. Golden light flickers through the windshield. The engine PURRS like a satisfied villain.
Nancy, late 40s, composed but simmering, rifles through a battered rally map.
Squire, same age, charming in a manipulative way, drives with one hand and a smug smirk.
NANCY
(pointed, clipped)
How long since we cleared the checkpoint?
SQUIRE
(sunny)
Not sure. You’re the navigator—remember? Teamwork?
NANCY
There was supposed to be a red flag marker along this stretch. I haven’t seen it.
SQUIRE
(relaxed, dismissive)
No worries, it’s just ahead. Probably blew off. Like your temper.
Nancy narrows her eyes.
NANCY
Pull over. I want to check.
SQUIRE
(puckering)
For a kiss?
NANCY
(flat)
Just stop the damn car.
He brakes. The gullwing door hisses open, and Nancy steps out into the dust.
Moments later, she returns holding a red rally flag, wind tugging at its corners.
NANCY
(grinning)
Found it. Unclaimed. We’re ahead.
SQUIRE
(disbelieving)
That flag’s for everyone. You can’t just steal it.
NANCY
(relaxed)
It’s not stealing—it’s strategy. We move it, we control the narrative.
SQUIRE
(slowly impressed)
That's… actually brilliant. Dangerous. But brilliant.
NANCY
(flat)
Of course it is. I do want us to win.
SQUIRE
(smiling)
I’m in it for more than the trophy.
NANCY
Keep your libido in neutral. Eyes on the road.
They drive in tense silence. The light dims further.
SQUIRE
(uncertain)
Wait—we were supposed to turn after the red flag.
NANCY
(getting out again with the flag)
Then I’ll put it where we need it to be.
SQUIRE
Just don’t take all night. Other teams are catching up.
NANCY
(scoffing)
Don’t you tell me to hurry. You missed the last turn while fantasizing about kissing me.
SQUIRE
(turning hard)
Here’s the crossroad. Right or left?
NANCY
Right.
SQUIRE
Are you sure? My gut says left.
NANCY
(icy)
Your gut got us divorced. Turn right.
SQUIRE
(silent beat, then turns left anyway)
NANCY
(furious)
You never listen! Never trusted me!
SQUIRE
(gritting his teeth)
I just want to finish this rally and move on.
NANCY
Then turn this fucking car around!
SQUIRE
(stopping abruptly)
You can walk.
NANCY
(buckled in)
I’m not getting out here!
He leans toward her. Smiles faintly.
SQUIRE
So… how about a kiss?
NANCY
(adamant)
No, just start the car, let’s get out of here!SQUIRE
(turning key, pressing starter button)
Damn thing won’t turn over!NANCY
(slowly reaches down)
No. Just—
She draws a gun from under the map. Cold and steady.
NANCY (CONT’D)
—restart the engine. Now.
SQUIRE
(blinking)
You won’t get away with this.
NANCY
(putting out her other hand)
Yes, I will! Hand over your weapon!SQUIRE
(amazed)
What weapon?NANCY
The gun in your jacket pocket, Bozo. Now!They both toss their guns on the floor.
SQUIRE
(mocking)
What are you after, Nancy?
NANCY
(shaking her head)
This car, of course.SQUIRE
(stunned)
No. No way. You got the plane. The horses. The house. This car is mine.
NANCY
(pulls second pistol from the glove box)
Then get out. While you still can.
He doesn’t move. She cocks the gun. He finally opens the door halfway—
SQUIRE
Then how about—
She aims.
NANCY
Don’t.
SQUIRE
—a kiss?
BANG. BANG.
Silence. Smoke drifts.
The car's engine remains dead.
Squire slumps against the steering wheel. Nancy, gasps—reaches turns the key and starter.
NANCY
(weak)
Damn thing… still won’t start.
CUT TO BLACK.-
This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by Kimbal Thompson.
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This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by
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Would love to exchange feedback: Nancy & Squire, posed in Forum 14 and 16. thanks!
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