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Lesson 14
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Lesson 14: QE Cycle #3: Write this Scene
Rita's Nancy & Squire Scene – Draft 1
What I learned:
– There might be more traits in their actions than dialog. It turned into a scene without a lot of talking.
– Going through traits, more was added to the scene.
– I left it more concluded than a cliffhanger. Something to consider for the next draft.
– Attempting BAD as promised to Hal led to something I wouldn't normally write.LOGLINE: Nancy's evening hike turns to an attempt to team up with Squire and escape a horror he has caused.
ESSENCE: Conflicting goals — Squire wants to save the deer but Nancy wants to save herself and him.EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD – EVENING
Large, forested lots with log homes and three acres between them alongside a rushing creek. Nothing but wilderness past this new neighborhood built around old, miner's homesteads.NANCY (32) strolls uphill through her picturesque, mountain neighborhood. A fit woman in well-worn, outdoor clothing and a small backpack on a beautiful summer hike.
She turns past her neighbor's obscenely large log house towards a trailhead.She waves and fake smiles at SQUIRE (56) as he dumps feed on his gravel driveway. He wears a fuchsia golf shirt and white shorts, the picture of pudgy, early retirement, city transplant.
NANCY
Hey, you know it's not wise to feed the wildlife. I could report you to the Forest Service.SQUIRE
That's not very neighborly of you. Why don't you come in and enjoy the wildlife with me?He tilts his head toward the house with slanted smile and a wink.
NANCY
Just wait. They'll figure out your routine and you'll either have an encounter with an animal you don't want or a fine.SQUIRE
Sounds like a threat.NANCY
Nature doesn't issue threats.
(to herself)
Moron.A doe and her fawn leap across the creek after Squire returns to the house to watch them eat from his offering.
Nancy picks up the pace. A few yards up the trail, she stops to listen. Scans the surroundings.
NANCY
Dammit. Do I take a chance?She rubs her forehead as she considers. One last look back at the scene, she shakes her head and continues up the mountain.
EXT. TRAIL – DUSK
Nancy bounds downhill, sweaty and smiling, on return from her hike toward a small bridge behind Squire's house.A horrific wail penetrates the still evening.
A sound of distress no one has ever heard. Unrecognizable but clearly not human.
She hikes fast toward Squire's yard, then she sees it.
A mountain lion with massive paws and murderous intent in his eyes holds the doe to the ground by it's neck. His long, muscular tail stretches out to help keep her stationary.
Squire yells.
SQUIRE
Hey! Get out of here!He runs down his deck stairs banging a pot.
NANCY
Oh, god.She runs toward the scene. Stops.
NANCY
Shit.She looks around. Thick, thorny blackberry bushes everywhere. Only the mountain on her own or the idiot below.
Squire moves closer to the wild animals with his not-scary kitchenware.
The lion lets loose of the deer's punctured windpipe but keeps her pinned to the ground with his body. He eyes Squire and blows a puff of angered air out his flared nostrils.
The lion assesses his prey, still flailing with a gurgled moan but soon to suffocate with a punctured airway.
Squire bangs and waves his arms.
SQUIRE
Shoo. Leave her alone!NANCY
Shut up! Go back inside. Please!The lion spots her.
Now he stands.
SQUIRE
Yeah, go on. Get outta here.Nancy freezes.
NANCY
Please shut up, Squire.SQUIRE
He's got my doe.The doe struggles in a heartbreaking attempt to stand but she's too injured.
NANCY
It's not your doe, it's his dinner.Squire yells at the mountain lion. Another sound of distress that's barely human.
The big cat looks even bigger as he moves in slow motion closer to Squire. Now, it's a face off.
SQUIRE
Oh shit.He get it. Freezes.
NANCY
Finally.A rustle in the bushes catches all their attention.
The fawn bleats or brays, calls to it's mother.
The lion lifts it's nose in the fawn's direction.
Squire looses his cool. Bangs on the pot and charges.
SQUIRE
No you don't!NANCY
Oh, Jesus. Stop!The lion keeps his focus on the extra, tasty morsel in the bushes.
Bangs and yells continue.
Nancy heaves her backpack in the fawn’s direction. It takes off, a tempting chase.
The lion lunges toward the fawn.
Nancy makes a break for it.
She tears across the bridge, through the tall open grass of Squire's undeserved property, up his deck stairs.
NANCY
Come on, Squire! Get inside.She tugs on his shirt as she runs past but he only stumbles backward but stays put.
SQUIRE
It's just a helpless little fawn. How are you so heartless?The doe lies lifeless next to the pile of feed. The fawn was a quick and easy kill. Dinner and desert.
Squire's useless, noisy percussion continues.
The cat's ears lower as he stalks Squire.
SQUIRE
Oh my god!Nancy bangs a pair of tongs on the lid of Squire's spotless grill, like he ever cooks. Now she's the screamer.
And then… quiet.
The color drains from her face as her neighbor's head hits the bottom stair with the lion on his back.
Giant, sharp fangs sink into Squire's jugular as blood spirts out across the lion's head. He closes one eye and waits.
There's that same horrific wail. Like no one has ever heard before, now from Squire's mouth but much more brief.
The lion drags Squire's limp body, reduced to meat, to the creek, head first into the shallow water and leaves it there.
In shock, Nancy just watches.
The lion returns for the doe. Drags her all the way across the creek into the brambles.
He rips into the fawn. A quick appetizer before the feast.
Nancy collapses onto the redwood boards of the deck and wails. A very human sound of horror and grief.
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LOGLINE: Two soldiers in a combat situation must learn to work together or die.
ESSENCE: The real enemy of these two soldiers is not the snipers shooting at them but their own flaws.
SCENE ARC: Two soldiers find themselves teamed together on a combat mission but make a total mess of it.
QE 3 – First Draft
What I learned: It is possible to fit a bunch of maximum interest techniques and character traits into a scene even if it is a fairly short scene. In a way it kind of feels like fitting together the pieces of a puzzle.EXT. JUNGLE WAR ZONE – DAY
Bullets fly as Sgt. Nancy Shaw and Lt. D. Squire duck behind a small mound together to escape the bullets whizzing by.
SQUIRE
See the world, join the army. Nobody told me it’d be like this.NANCY
Where’s the Captain? I don’t see him. He was right in front of me.SQUIRE
Who cares about him? He’s the one who got us into this mess.NANCY
Look, you sorry excuse of a soldier. We’ve got to find Cap and make sure he’s okay.SQUIRE
Why? With him out of the picture, I’m the ranking officer here, and I say we get the hell out of here.NANCY
Then I’ll report you as a coward. I knew you weren’t lieutenant material when they promoted you over me. What did you do, sleep your way to the top?SQUIRE
It’s not my fault the ladies like me. Every one but you. Though I’d like you to prove me wrong.NANCY
You sleaze ball. Even here! We’ve got to find Cap.SQUIRE
No way. I’m in charge and I say we don’t look for him, we head back down the hill the same way we came. And that’s an order, Sergeant!NANCY
How about this, Lieutenant. Cap has the radio codes. Sure, we could make it back to the bottom of the hill. But we’ll still be in enemy territory. We’ll never get airlifted out of here without those codes that Cap has.SQUIRE
Shit. You’re right. Okay. I’ll stay here, and you go up ahead and look for him.NANCY
Me? You’re going to make me go ahead, while you sneak back off down the hill.SQUIRE
That’s not my plan.NANCY
What is your big plan, assuming you have one?SQUIRE
My plan… that’s none of your business. As the ranking officer, it’s not your job to question my battle plan.NANCY
You mean, you don’t have one. Well, you’d better get one quick because the snipers could be moving in.SQUIRE
I don’t want to be their target practice any more than you do. But one of us has to go ahead and get those codes off Cap. And lucky me, I am the one giving the orders here.The bullets STOP. It’s an eerie silence.
NANCY
The shooting! They’ve stopped. They’re gone. Now is your chance to rush up the hill, and prove you deserved your promotion. I’m sure they’ll give you a hero’s medal for that.SQUIRE
Nancy, I’m glad it’s you here behind this mound with me. I’ve always wanted to tell you — I wanted you to get promoted to Lieutenant. I wanted us to be promoted together. I’ve always admired you, Nancy. You are the bravest…NANCY
You’re trying to charm me into dying instead of you? What an ass! We both know those snipers out there haven’t left, they’re just trying to draw us out. They’ll blast away as soon as one of us steps out. As soon as they get a clean shot. And without those codes, we’re both gonners.SQUIRE
And still, I’m the one in charge. The one who gives the orders that says YOU have to continue up the hill. I don’t have to tell you my reasons.NANCY
Fine, asshole. I’ll go. But know this. Cap doesn’t have the radio codes, I have them. I only said that so you’d help me find him because I know what a selfish jerk you are. So if they shoot me, you are toast, never to party your way through this war like you intended. And everyone will know it was your ‘leadership’ that got us both killed, and that they made a big freaking mistake promoting you instead of me.She steps out from behind the mound and heads up the hill.
SQUIRE
Wait, Nancy! I didn’t mean it! I changed my mind! Come back! Come back! Come….SMASH CUT TO BLACK.
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This reply was modified 6 days, 16 hours ago by Mary.
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This reply was modified 6 days, 16 hours ago by
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Carl Marshall
LOGLINE: the train station
ESSENCE: find the keycard
SCENE: INT. ABANDONED TRAIN STATION – NIGHT
A LOUD BUZZ from an old intercom precedes a mechanical CLUNK — a door slides open.)
NANCY (40s, storms in, heels echoing. She sees SQUIRE (30s, roguish with a fake smile) already lounging on a crate, feet up, smug as ever.
NANCY
Of course you’re early. What, couldn’t seduce your way out of traffic?
SQUIRE
Thought I’d soak in the ambiance. Something about rain makes lies sound romantic.
NANCY
Cut the charm act. If this job goes sideways, I’m not taking the fall.
SQUIRE
Job’s already sideways. We’re missing the keycard, and you’re not as stealthy as you think.
NANCY
(leaning in) You think I lost it? Or sold it?
SQUIRE
(grinning) Just betting against your record.
NANCY
They put us together to clean up a corpse nobody wants found. Why would they trust you?
SQUIRE
Why would they trust *you*? Maybe they want us both buried in the mess.
NANCY
(pauses, calculating) You think this is a setup?
SQUIRE
Oh, I don’t think. I *know*. And they’re watching — right now.
(A red laser dot lands on Nancy’s blazer. She freezes.)
NANCY
Don’t move. We’re being watched.
SQUIRE
Relax. That’s just my old friend, the sniper. He likes foreplay.
(Nancy PUNCHES Squire hard across the face. He staggers back, laughs, spits blood.)
SQUIRE
Now we’re finally communicating.
(From above, an unseen drone WHIRS, recording. Neither notices.)
NANCY
If we don’t find that keycard, the body’s going public — with our names on it.
SQUIRE
Then I guess we better dig… or bury each other.
(They stare each other down. Thunder ROLLS. The lights SNAP off. BLACKOUT.) -
LOGLINE: two window washers argument becomes more extreme than ever imagined.
ESSENCE: Nancy is looking to make a point about Squire’s unfaithfulness to her brother.
SCENE:
EXT. HIGH RISE OFFICE BUILDING – DAY
Two window washers work at opposite ends of the platform using long poles to soap and clean the windows.
NANCY, a shaved headed staunch lesbian with tattoo sleeve down one arm and a bandana around her head, drags the pole down with a SQUELCH of clean window.
Her partner, SQUIRE, is a fit gay man with a half shirt and his bandana tied around his neck like a scarf.
NANCY
I swear Squire, I could have washed both sides of these windows already?
SQUIRE
That’s because I’m distracted by all these men.
He blows a kiss and waves to the businessman working on the other side.
NANCY
And why aren’t you wearing your fall harness? You wanna die?
SQUIRE
Bitch, like you care? Besides bright orange doesn’t go with my eyes.
NANCY
Neither will your skull if you fall twenty stories.
Nancy hits the hoist motor and it stalls out.
SQUIRE
You should use some of that money your saving for your next tattoo and get that fixed.
Nancy kicks it and it starts to descend.
NANCY
It’s fine, see, still works.
As they pass a new floor, Squire pulls down his shorts and exposes his happy trail.
NANCY
Bro, seriously? Start working.
Squire places the long poled squeegee in the bucket which sloshes liquid soap out onto the platform and over his work boots.
SQUIRE
I think my soap and water solution isn’t correct? I think it’s leaving a film on the windows?
NANCY
So now it’s my fault you can’t clean a window?
SQUIRE
Geez, somebodies a bitch this morning.
NANCY
Yeah, well, when were you going to tell me about you and Carlo breaking up?
SQUIRE
I don’t know who you get your information from –
NANCY
He’s my brother ass hat, who do you think?
SQUIRE
We had a falling out?
NANCY
A falling out? He told me he found you in bed with three other men?
Squire gets a sly little smirk.
SQUIRE
Four.
NANCY
Four! I don’t even know logistically how that would work. You broke his heart man, you really did.
Squire sloshes the window, spots a man looking out and draws a heart on the window with his finger.
SQUIRE
Oww.
He places his finger in his mouth and pouts.
NANCY
What did I tell you when you started dating my brother?
With the finger still in his mouth.
SQUIRE
To not break his heart.
NANCY
That’s right. And what would happen if I found out you broke his heart?
Finger still in mouth like a pacifier.
SQUIRE
Consequences.
NANCY
That’s right, consequences. And in this situation, what should the consequences consist of?
Squire smiles.
SQUIRE
A spanking?
NANCY
How about your wash bucket being filled with soap and a large amount of nitric acid?
Squire looks at the bucket that’s been springing leaks and creating a puddle over the platform.
NANCY
You see nitric acid won’t harm windows. So the glass will be fine. However…
The medal platform ruptures, the metal dissolved away. Squire falls through the hole and catches himself with both hands on the metal.
His torso dangles below the wash platform. He SCREAMS for help.
Nancy walks over to the hoist motor and starts the slow descent down.
NANCY
Maybe this piece of shit can get you down in time. Maybe you die wishing you wore your fall harness?
As Squire holds the metal, the acid HISSES and he has to move his hands constantly.
NANCY
Fuck with my brother’s heart again and see what’s what.
The platform CREAKS as it lowers it’s way to the sidewalk.-
This reply was modified 2 days, 4 hours ago by Jeremy Kirk.
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This reply was modified 2 days, 4 hours ago by
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