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Lesson 6
Reply to post your assignment.
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13 Replies
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Rita's Double Quality – QE scene
EXT. CIRCUS TENT – NIGHT
ROBERT (40s) talks to a girl — too young of a girl — in this small town, county fair dirt-patch. His faded, red ringmaster jacket blends in with the red stripe on the tent.The girl giggles and pulls off a strand of cotton candy from the puffy swirl on a stick.
Robert rubs a sticky pink remnant off her lip with his thumb.
He moves in for a kiss.
TRENT (50s) flings open the tent flap opening which hits Robert and knocks off his tall hat.
It hits the cotton candy and both land in the weedy dirt.
Robert looks at it without any move to retrieve it.
ROBERT
It was time for a new hat anyway. Throw in a decent jacket while you're at it, this one's getting frayed.The girl backs up, now that the tent's interior spotlight shines on Robert's receding hairline.
Trent moves between them and turns his back to the girl, way deep in Robert's personal space. His own crisp linen shirt contrasts Robert's shabby circus costume.
TRENT
Jailbait isn't going to pay for a new hat.He picks up the hat and plucks twiggy leaves off of it. Shoves it into Robert's chest.
ROBERT
All charm tonight, aren't you. Perhaps I can find you after I finish with —He motions toward the nameless girl.
TRENT
Let's go.He holds open the tent flap and waves Robert in, fake deferential.
Robert leans in, as if to tell a secret, but Trent shoves him inside.
INT. CIRCUS TENT – NIGHT
Robert heads toward a laughing huddle of clowns who share a bottle of whiskey.Robert waves. The laughter stops.
Robert pretends to swat at a fly but casts a worried glance at a clown who stood up, somehow menacing despite the face-paint smile.
Trent guides him behind past growling lions in their cage.
TRENT
I've got a surprise for you.
(off Robert's look)
No, it doesn't involve a trapeze artist.Robert follows reluctantly all the way through, past the last of the three rings, into an adjoining office trailer.
INT. TRENT'S TRAILER – CONTINUOUS
Robert's eyes go wide, it's like he stepped through a teleportation portal, into a city stock-broker's fancy digs.Trent pours a drink. Just one.
Robert fondles a smooth brass paperweight.
ROBERT
No wonder you never let anyone in here. This can't be all circus money.
(bows)
I humbly request to get in on whatever your side-hustle is. You can tell me.Trent smiles. Sips his drink.
He holds his palm up for Robert to hand over the paperweight.
Robert obliges.
Trent smashes the heavy metal into Roberts temple.
Robert stumbles, literally sideswiped.
Trent pulls Robert's decorative hanky from his pocket to wipe the blood off the paperweight. He shines it up and sets it back on his desk. Shifts it to just the right angle.
Robert, still in shock, touches the now gushing head wound.
Trent holds out the hanky.
TRENT
Before you drip on my carpet.Robert regains some sense of self-preservation and lunges for the door.
Trent grabs Robert's long coat-tails, drags him across the floor leaving a trail of blood.
ROBERT
Is this about the kerfuffle in the last town? That wasn't me, I swear! You see how the clowns talk.Trent kicks him in the ribs.
TRENT
See what you did to my carpet? That's coming out of your paycheck.Roberts gasps for air.
Trent drops a crystal ball on Robert's knee. Robert screams.
TRENT
Oopsie. Let's see…He stops it rolling with his foot and peers into it.
TRENT
It shows you lying in a ditch sometime in the near future. Tsk. You gotta be more careful.Robert scoots away from him.
ROBERT
I heard that new ferris wheel guy was going to cause a short and shut it down, maybe start a fire to really gut your whole operation.Trent picks up the crystal ball and tosses it between his hands. He moves closer to Robert's head.
Robert covers his skull in the fetal position.
ROBERT
Okay! I'll make it right.Trent leans in closer.
TRENT
What's that? So it wasn't the clowns?ROBERT
I don't know who started it — AAACCHHGG!Lions ROAR outside in response to Robert's misery… or the smell of blood.
Trent shoves the bloody hanky into Robert's mouth, kicks him a few more times and bashes his head into the closed door.
Opens it then tosses him out.
He lands in front of a dwarf who shakes his head and hops over Robert's mangled body.
DWARF
I'd stay away from the clowns if I were you.He rifles through Robert's pockets, pulls out a wad of bills. Smiles.
Trent, from his trailer entrance, tosses Robert's hat into the dirt next to him.
ROBERT
Looks like he got too close to the elephants.The dwarf pulls out a single dollar and drops it onto Robert.
DWARF
You should really buy a new hat, as the frontman here, you gotta keep up appearances. You know?He stomps Robert's hat.
Robert moans.
The Dwarf climbs the metal stairs and hands the rest of the money to Trent, looks up at his boss, expectantly.
Trent laughs and slams the trailer door.
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I believe we are to post our QE in lesson 7. So I ll do there.
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Doubling the Quality – (Mark Napier)
SCENE: INT – NEW YORK YACHT CLUB – BALLROOM – NIGHT
DESCRIPTION: It’s New Years Eve and soon the night of celebration for one, will instead turn festivities into a night of an ass whoop’n.SERIES OF SHOTS: The music blares and the party is in full swing with a couple of thousand partygoers inside the huge ballroom that is decorated with a large mast with sails, fishing nets, various stuffed sea life that includes a Great White shark’s head with mouth open wide revealing its jagged teeth. An octopus and squid are also embraced in battle, but this is just a few items of interest mounted on the walls. Aquariums filled with sea life welcome visitors along the entrance way, as well. New Year decorations and balloons hang from the walls and ceiling for the anticipated midnight drop. (Setting)
ROBERT
A well-known and appreciated bartender/server is forced to work the one night of the year he’d rather be home than dodging and weaving through a crowd towards his table of VIPs holding a tray of drinks he is subservient to.
TRENT
Passing himself off as a guest using the confusion of crowds to gain entry, he enters the rich and exclusive New York Yacht Club, for free. Making his grand entrance through the crystal style glass doors that reflect the ‘helm’ or ship’s wheel at the main entrance, Trent enters the ballroom like he owns it and lifts a glass of champaign off the tray of the passing server (Robert) that was intended for others. His action knocks a couple of glasses over on the tray. Trent does not give Robert a second thought. (Pretending Wealth/Needy)
ROBERT
Robert’s initial facial expression of frustration looking at the spilled drinks is no sooner replaced with surprise and recognition of Trent.
I am so sorry sir!
That was completely my fault. (Smooth)
Make yourself at home! (Gregarious/Sarcastic)TRENT
Trent shoots an annoying inferiority look. (Feeding Robert’s Low Self-esteem)
ROBERT
Oh! …. Excuse me sir! ….
Robert reaches to the back side of Trent’s collar causing Trent to flinch away.
You forgot to remove the ‘sales tag’ from your tuxedo.
It was hidden on the back of your collar. (Smooth)CU: On sales tag.
TRENT
Smiles sheepishly for his oversight and walks away.
ROBERT
Talking out loud to himself and another server who assists to clean up.
I remember that asshole! He’s a leech!
If he is not duping affluent people for his own pleasures, then he takes advantage of the less unfortunate.
I wonder who he suckered to get in here? (Gossip)Robert continues to his table where the Admiral of the yacht club is seated.
Smiling he approaches Admiral Byrd’s head table with 20 guests.
Ladies and Gentlemen ….
If I have not said it once, I ‘ve said it many times …
I am your savior when it comes to refreshments.
(LAUGHTER) (Gregarious)ADMIRAL BYRD
I see you had a little mishap there.
ROBERT
Roberts smiles.
Nothing I couldn’t handle Admiral. (Smooth)
I just turned on my Butterfly Angel charm! (Smooth)
(LAUGHTER)Leaning into the Admiral speaking softly to deliver his drink. (Gossip/Intrigue)
That guy seems out of place to me…
I recognize him from a few years back.
He used to be a panhandler near my Metro station.Robert palms the ‘sells tag’ to show the Admiral who then scans the room.
TRENT
Trent continues mingling; basking in the environment. Twirling on his heels with arms wide to greet people while lifting a glass in salutations. (Needy)
Happy New Year!!!
Trent periodically is seen lifting drinks and hors d’oeuvres destined for other tables that catches the stern eyes of the Admiral. (Needy/Pretending Wealth)
Eventually, Trent then makes his way to the bar where Robert is stationed.
My good man!
I’d like a Bloody Mary to change things up a bit.Trent continues gazing around the room.
ROBERT
Yes Sir…. Coming right up! (Secretive/Smooth)
(In a low voice) One ‘Bunker Buster’ that is.FOCUS: Grabbing a cocktail mixer under the counter and a bottle of Fleet Saline Laxative he squirts half the content into the cup before reaching for a large bottle of V8 juice and topping off with Tito’s Vodka. He shakes the mix.
Here you go sir!
Robert has a pleasant cheerful smile on his face. (Secretive/Smooth)
TRENT
Trent says nothing else, but walks away with a puzzled expression trying to remember Robert’s vague, but familiar face, while sucking down his drink.
ADMIRAL BYRD
Making his rounds with members, the Admiral arrives to chat with guests Trent is engaging with noticeably buzzed and his drink emptied. (Suspense)
Happy New Year!
I don’t believe I’ve seen you around before.
A new member? Or are you here as a guest?TRENT
Having done his research of members he rattles off the name. (Meticulous)
I am here as a guest for Mr. and Mrs. Moskowitz.
ADMIRAL BYRD
The Admiral smiles, remembering both had been deceased for about a year.
Glad you could make it! (Intrigue)
TRENT
Believing he passed the test, Trent’s belly succumbs to the Bunker Buster as he starts cramping and begins to excuse himself in need of the men’s room.ADMIRAL BYRD
The closest men’s room is near the rear exit. (Intrigue)
Pointing toward the loading dock, Trent quickly departs.
The Admiral then waves a hand at Security who is standing by to intercept.TRENT
Near the loading dock and bathrooms, Trent is approached by security, but Trent waves him off in his urgency for the toilet. (Aggressive)
The officer grabs Trent’s left arm causing Trent to aggressively jerk his arm away, but in the mallei strikes the guy in the face, accidentally, with an elbow.
SECURITY
Now angered, the guard slams Trent’s head and chest against the exiting door frame that pops the door open. A dazed Trent turns to face his escort who stuffs his right fist into Trent’s gut bending him over unleashing a fowl odor of stench much to the guard’s surprise. Trent loses his balance and topples backwards rolling down the loading dock ramp onto the pavement. The guard waves his hand to fan the stench away and shuts the door.
ROBERT
Not far behind with a can of Febreze in one hand and pinching his nose with the other he empties the bottle; all the while snorting with laughter. (Secret)
SCENE: EXT – LOADING DOCK – NEW YORK YACTH CLUB -NIGHT
TRENT
Groaning and lying there in pain, he listens to the revelers’ count down: “5… 4… 3… 2… 1… HAPPY NEW YEAR!” with horns and cheers bellowing. (Needy)
What the Hell is that smell?!?!
BEAT
Aww SHIT!FADE OUT
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This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by Mark napier.
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This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by Mark napier.
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*Rita's exchange for Mark
It seems you did a lot of the work for us, labeling the skills, so good job! I'll just add a few comments.*
Doubling the Quality – (Mark Napier)SCENE: INT – NEW YORK YACHT CLUB – BALLROOM – NIGHT
DESCRIPTION: It’s New Years Eve and soon the night of celebration for one, will instead turn festivities into a night of an ass whoop’n.SERIES OF SHOTS: The music blares and the party is in full swing with a couple of thousand partygoers inside the huge ballroom that is decorated with a large mast with sails, fishing nets, various stuffed sea life that includes a Great White shark’s head with mouth open wide revealing its jagged teeth. An octopus and squid are also embraced in battle, but this is just a few items of interest mounted on the walls. Aquariums filled with sea life welcome visitors along the entrance way, as well. New Year decorations and balloons hang from the walls and ceiling for the anticipated midnight drop. (Setting)
ROBERT
A well-known and appreciated bartender/server is forced to work the one night of the year he’d rather be home than dodging and weaving through a crowd towards his table of VIPs holding a tray of drinks he is subservient to.
TRENT
Passing himself off as a guest using the confusion of crowds to gain entry, he enters the rich and exclusive New York Yacht Club, for free. Making his grand entrance through the crystal style glass doors that reflect the ‘helm’ or ship’s wheel at the main entrance, Trent enters the ballroom like he owns it and lifts a glass of champaign off the tray of the passing server (Robert) that was intended for others. His action knocks a couple of glasses over on the tray. Trent does not give Robert a second thought. (Pretending Wealth/Needy)
ROBERT
Robert’s initial facial expression of frustration looking at the spilled drinks is no sooner replaced with surprise and recognition of Trent.
I am so sorry sir!
That was completely my fault. (Smooth)
Make yourself at home! (Gregarious/Sarcastic)TRENT
Trent shoots an annoying inferiority look. (Feeding Robert’s Low Self-esteem)
ROBERT
Oh! …. Excuse me sir! ….
Robert reaches to the back side of Trent’s collar causing Trent to flinch away.
You forgot to remove the ‘sales tag’ from your tuxedo. **Also shows Trent using others at their own expense. Implies he’s going to return it after wearing it once.**
It was hidden on the back of your collar. (Smooth)CU: On sales tag.
TRENT
Smiles sheepishly for his oversight and walks away.
ROBERT
Talking out loud to himself and another server who assists to clean up. **It might be getter to have him tell another server to make it actual gossip.**
I remember that asshole! He’s a leech!
If he is not duping affluent people for his own pleasures, then he takes advantage of the less unfortunate.
I wonder who he suckered to get in here? (Gossip)Robert continues to his table where the Admiral of the yacht club is seated.
Smiling he approaches Admiral Byrd’s head table with 20 guests.
Ladies and Gentlemen ….
If I have not said it once, I ‘ve said it many times …
I am your savior when it comes to refreshments.
(LAUGHTER) (Gregarious)ADMIRAL BYRD
I see you had a little mishap there.
ROBERT
Roberts smiles.
Nothing I couldn’t handle Admiral. (Smooth)
I just turned on my Butterfly Angel charm! (Smooth)
(LAUGHTER)Leaning into the Admiral speaking softly to deliver his drink. (Gossip/Intrigue)
That guy seems out of place to me…
I recognize him from a few years back.
He used to be a panhandler near my Metro station.Robert palms the ‘sells tag’ to show the Admiral who then scans the room.
TRENT
Trent continues mingling; basking in the environment. Twirling on his heels with arms wide to greet people while lifting a glass in salutations. (Needy)
Happy New Year!!!
Trent periodically is seen lifting drinks and hors d’oeuvres destined for other tables that catches the stern eyes of the Admiral. (Needy/Pretending Wealth)
Eventually, Trent then makes his way to the bar where Robert is stationed.
My good man!
I’d like a Bloody Mary to change things up a bit.Trent continues gazing around the room.
ROBERT
Yes Sir…. Coming right up! (Secretive/Smooth)
(In a low voice) One ‘Bunker Buster’ that is.FOCUS: Grabbing a cocktail mixer under the counter and a bottle of Fleet Saline Laxative he squirts half the content into the cup before reaching for a large bottle of V8 juice and topping off with Tito’s Vodka. He shakes the mix.
Here you go sir!
Robert has a pleasant cheerful smile on his face. (Secretive/Smooth)
TRENT
Trent says nothing else, but walks away with a puzzled expression trying to remember Robert’s vague, but familiar face, while sucking down his drink.
ADMIRAL BYRD
Making his rounds with members, the Admiral arrives to chat with guests Trent is engaging with noticeably buzzed and his drink emptied. (Suspense)
Happy New Year!
I don’t believe I’ve seen you around before.
A new member? Or are you here as a guest?TRENT
Having done his research of members he rattles off the name. (Meticulous)
I am here as a guest for Mr. and Mrs. Moskowitz.
ADMIRAL BYRD
The Admiral smiles, remembering both had been deceased for about a year.
Glad you could make it! (Intrigue)
TRENT
Believing he passed the test, Trent’s belly succumbs to the Bunker Buster as he starts cramping and begins to excuse himself in need of the men’s room.ADMIRAL BYRD
The closest men’s room is near the rear exit. (Intrigue)
Pointing toward the loading dock, Trent quickly departs.
The Admiral then waves a hand at Security who is standing by to intercept.TRENT
Near the loading dock and bathrooms, Trent is approached by security, but Trent waves him off in his urgency for the toilet. (Aggressive)
The officer grabs Trent’s left arm causing Trent to aggressively jerk his arm away, but in the mallei strikes the guy in the face, accidentally, with an elbow.
SECURITY
Now angered, the guard slams Trent’s head and chest against the exiting door frame that pops the door open. A dazed Trent turns to face his escort who stuffs his right fist into Trent’s gut bending him over unleashing a fowl odor of stench much to the guard’s surprise. Trent loses his balance and topples backwards rolling down the loading dock ramp onto the pavement. The guard waves his hand to fan the stench away and shuts the door.
ROBERT
Not far behind with a can of Febreze in one hand and pinching his nose with the other he empties the bottle; all the while snorting with laughter. (Secret)
SCENE: EXT – LOADING DOCK – NEW YORK YACTH CLUB -NIGHT
TRENT
Groaning and lying there in pain, he listens to the revelers’ count down: “5… 4… 3… 2… 1… HAPPY NEW YEAR!” with horns and cheers bellowing. (Needy)
What the Hell is that smell?!?!
BEAT
Aww SHIT!FADE OUT
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This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by Rita Roberts.
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I adjusted a few more edits for perfection, but I will let what I posted stand for your edits. It’s for myself anyway as a learning tool. I will give my two cents of respectful QE on yours. There were four posts as of Saturday, but the network kept deleting everyone’s posting to include what I re-posted last night lol. Thanks in advance for your input.
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This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by
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This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by
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FIRST QE SCENE – SECOND DRAFT
INT. SWANKY RESTERAUNT – NIGHT
The law firm hosts their annual Christmas party. People speak in excited but hushed whispers.SECRETARY
Smith left the firm with no warning? They’ll have to pick a new senior partner. Who will it be?Who, indeed. As people wonder, they steal discrete looks at the man standing alone in the center of the room in the immaculate Armani suit, TRENT.
One man cuts through the crowd towards Trent. This is new-hire ROBERT, who charms people with jokes and pats them on the back as he weaves his way to Trent. Once he gets there:
ROBERT
See how they’re looking at you? You’ve got it in the bag, Trent. And everyone here knows it.TRENT
I told you, Robert. You were a wise man to agree to be my assistant. I go up the ladder, you go with me.ROBERT
Exactly, boss. Why flub up cases on my own when I can learn so much from shadowing a brilliant mind like yours?TRENT
Just don’t forget to get my deposit back from the rental place when you tell them the suit didn’t fit me.ROBERT
See? I’m learning so much already. Let’s toast. To success!Robert grabs a champagne goblet from a waiter. Robert stumbles.
TRENT
Don’t be a klutz. That reflects badly on me.ROBERT
Sorry, boss. Just my stupid trick knee again.Robert hunches over the drink, his back to Trent. Is Robert messing with the champagne?
Robert hands Trent the champagne. Grabs another goblet from a waiter for himself.
ROBERT
Here’s to the best man making partner!They clink glasses and drink. Trent scowls at the taste.
ROBERT
You’re right — it tastes like cheap stuff. Hey, I know where they keep the good stuff. Come on, let’s go! You know you deserve it.Trent nods, pleased. He follows Robert down a long corridor. To a dark back room. Robert holds the door open for Trent.
ROBERT
After you, boss.Trent stumbles into the dark room. He grabs a bottle from the shelf.
Robert follows him in and flips a switch. Behind Robert’s back… is that some kind of stick?
INT. BACK ROOM – NIGHT
Trent sees the bottle he holds isn’t wine, it’s rat poison. This is no wine storage room, the room’s lined with large bins of medical waste.Trent YELPS as he drops the bottle.
TRENT
Where are we? I’m so dizzy…Robert moves towards Trent. It’s not a stick he holds, it’s a BASEBALL BAT.
TRENT
Robert? Dammit, you tell me what’s going on right now!ROBERT
You thought you were so smart, making me do your dirty work to force Smith out. Making me do ALL your work. Did you actually think I LIKE being your step-and-fetch-it boy? Just because my L-SAT scores were lower than yours?TRENT
I’ve been helping you. You’re barely qualified to…ROBERT
Wrong! I have the same degree as you. And you pride yourself on knowing all the facts. But here’s one fact you missed – I have learned so much from you — about getting rid of the competition.Trent struggles to remain upright. He GASPS at the medical waste bins in horror.
TRENT
You… drugged me? And now you want to…Robert smiles like the Mona Lisa as he closes in, his bat held high.
TRENT
No, please! I can’t handle pain. I’m begging you. I’ll do anything you want. Just don’t hurt me.Robert WHACKS the bat down…
And SMACKS HIMSELF in the face!
TRENT
What the hell?ROBERT
(wailing)
Please, boss-man. Don’t hit me! Don’t destroy me like you destroyed Smith!Robert LAUGHS, then SMACKS himself again, a wicked bruise already forming on his face.
TRENT
Wait! Stop! I’m not… I didn’t…ROBERT
Of course, you did. Your plot forced Smith out. It was cleanly crafted. And brutal. But since I knew — and you like things neat and tidy — you had to get rid of me, too. Even though everyone knows how much I’ve worshipped you.Robert WHACKS his own face again. He looks like a punching bag.
TRENT
You’re insane.ROBERT
Am I? This time, I won’t even have to say anything! With all the clues I’ve dropped, once they see my face, they’ll all “know” what you did!TRENT
No! You can’t do that! I’ll be finished!ROBERT
And I will get the sympathy vote. They’ll promote ME to partner. I’ve been a victim my whole life — it’s time for me to finally get mine!TRENT
Oh, God, I’m going to be sick. My job. My career. I’ll be ruined! But please, just don’t hurt me. Tell me you’re not going to hurt me.ROBERT
Yeah, I can’t afford to.Robert heads for the door.
TRENT
(whispers)
Thank you, Jesus.ROBERT
At least, not where it shows.Robert FLINGS the bat at Trent’s legs. It SMASHES Trent’s knees — he buckles and falls.
ROBERT
HELP! Trent’s gone crazy and attacked me!Robert RUSHES out. Leaving Trent in a pathetic, sobbing heap.
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Jeremy's Double Quality scene
EXT. CLIPPER’S BAR AND GRILL/PARKING LOT – DAY.
The GROWL of a Harley motorcycle reverberates down the city street.
ROBERT (23) coasts his bike into the parking lot of Clipper’s bar.
He’s a good looking kid, square jawed, blue eyed with dark, wind blown tussled hair.In the line of motorcycles, an overweight, heavily bearded man in a biker cut and jeans, bends over and wipes down the chrome tailpipes of his 1940’s Harley Davidson Knucklehead bike.
Robert parks and gets a view of the man’s hairy ass crack.ROBERT
God damn Trent, you ever think about getting that thing waxed?TRENT (50) stands up with a beer belly and rag in hand.
TRENT
What my ass? I only get it waxed if I’m going down to do some time. I don’t like to disappoint the boys.
Robert flicks out the kickstand and dismounts.He walks up to Trent and they hug as if they were fraternal brothers.
TRENT
What took you? Everybody's inside waiting.ROBERT
My boss was being an asshole. Threatening to go to my parole officer and tell them I was leaving work early.TRENT
You want us to pay your boss a visit?ROBERT
No, it’s okay. I’ll deal with him.
Trent pats him on the back and they both walk into –INT. CLIPPER'S BAR AND GRILL
The music blares Bob Seger, “Bike Bunnies” or biker girls swarm over the other bikers by clinging to their necks or sitting in their laps.
Pitchers of beer flow and shots line the table.
Upon Robert and Trent walking in the room, it explodes into cheers.
Bikers come up and pat him on the shoulder, congratulate him with a hardy hug or handshake.
Trent pushes him through the crowd and over to the bar.
Standing at the bar on long legs and ample cleavage is HOLLY. She eyeballs Robert hungerly. Trent notices.TRENT
Not here ten minutes and already your night is planned.
Holly slinks across the room, rubs a hand through his hair while the other grabs his crotch.
Robert, smiles and politely removes the offending hand. Holly slinks away.ROBERT
Not with that one. Little Mike told me she has the crabs.TRENT
Really? Huh, I was with her last night?
Trent begins to scratch at his beard.
Robert laughs, drops back a shot.ROBERT
Who’s paying for this?
TRENT
Talked Clipper into footing the bill. As much as the boys drink at this establishment, he can afford to give a little back.
Another drink goes down. He pats Robert’s back.
TRENT
Finish your drink and follow me to Church.Trent drags the bottle of Jack off the table.
Robert drops back a shot, wipes his chin and follows Trent to the backroom.BACKROOM
Trent opens a door and Robert enters the back stock room.
Boxes of liquor and beer line the walls.
As he steps into the blank room –
SMASH
Glass explodes from behind his head.
Robert goes down on his hand and knees, his face curled in pain.
Trent tosses the broken neck of the Jack Daniels bottle, just as other bikers rush into the room.
A kick is delivered to Robert's ribs, a hand grabs his hair lifts his head and slams a meaty fist into his face.
He tries to roll over and another kick to his side.
Trent walks over to the wall and picks up a pistol grip shotgun. One handed he chambers a round.
Robert is about to lift himself, when a boot kicks him between the legs. Robert drops.
Trent witnesses this, turns to the biker that kicked him and slams the butt stock of the shotgun upside the bikers head.TRENT
I said no kicking in the jewels. A man might need those down the road.
Robert lays on the ground, busted up face, nose bleeding, shiner under one eye. He rolls back and forth holding his groin.TRENT
Just like anything in this world it’s blood in and blood out.
Trent lowers the shotgun barrel and presses it to Roberts cheek.TRENT
I need to know now if you are completely with us? I need to know you are willing to die for your brothers.ROBERT
Yes! You know I am.TRENT
That’s not good enough. I need to believe you.
Robert pushes his head against the shotgun barrel digging into his cheek.ROBERT
I’ve lived for this, I would die for this.TRENT
My trigger finger is getting itchy.ROBERT
Then pull the trigger. This is how far I’m willing to go!
Robert bites down on the end of the barrel. The shotgun is now in his mouth.
Trent’s finger caresses the trigger and – stops. A broad smile forms over his face.TRENT
Is that how a good looking guy survives prison? You just bite on another man’s gun?
The shotgun disappears and something falls over Robert’s head.
He pulls it off. It is a biker cut. It is a picture of a skeleton riding a low rider bike. He is smoking a cigarette and flashes a deck of cards in his hands. The rockers state, Mongol Warriors biker chapter with San Pedro, California as the destination.
Other members help Robert to his feet and place it over his shoulders.
Trent gives him a big hug.TRENT
Welcome brother, we need more men like you.
Other members congratulate the beat to shit Robert and push him toward the bar.BAR
Trent shakes up a beer and pops the cap. It foams everywhere.TRENT
Let the party begin!
Long into the night, beer flows, music is played and Robert is the toast of the town.EXT. CLIPPER'S BAR AND GRILL – MORNING
Robert stumbles out of the bar along with other bikers, climbs on his bike and cranks her up.
He drifts out onto the road.
Halfway down, he pulls off into an alley.ALLEY
Robert coasts up to a beat up, blue trash bin with the plastic lid already flipped up and full.
He grimaces as he reaches into the front of his jeans and pulls something out.
A broken receiver with a long cable with a small microphone on the end. He lifts the microphone and speaks into it.ROBERT
Did you get that?
He tosses it in the trash and rides off.-
This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by Jeremy Kirk.
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This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by
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CREATIVE MASTERY Lesson65
Kimbal Thompson QE Cycle 1
INT. FORMULA ONE TEAM GARAGE ANTEROOM – NIGHT
Bob, a free-lance automotive racing reporter has arranged an interview with Trent,
an experienced F1 Team Manager. Bob’s mission is to expose corruption within F1.ROBERT (F1 REPORTER)
(interviewing)
Thanks for allowing me to interview you for this top international
automobile sports magazine Trent. I’ve always admired you as a
top manager of your sport this winning season. What’s your secret?TRENT (TEAM MANAGER)
(offended)
I appreciate your admiration Robert and appreciate good publicity ,
but what makes you think I have a secret?ROBERT
(taken aback))
It’s no secret that you own a large share of this team from which you
have greatly benefited.TRENT
(catching on)
So, you think I do it just for the financial reward? I also do it for
the team and all associated with us including the sport and general
public! That’s why we have such a following. Have you not heard?
I need this! .ROBERT
(incredulous)
Tell me more. I can use this.TRENT
(offended)
What specifically are you looking for?ROBERT
(glibly))
F-1 is an international sport, likely a good way to move around a
fortune for a lot of, shall we say, investors. Perhaps some not all
of the, as you say, general public? Certainly, it excludes me.TRENT
(hopefully)
I think I get your drift. Do you understand how regulated this
sport is?ROBERT
(questioningly)
Who controls the regulators?
.
TRENT
(more offended)
Who controls earth? Is this becoming pollical or a
religious interview?ROBERT
(questioningly)
Let me try this a different way. Who’s on the Board
of Directors who oversee the sport?
.
TRENT
(changing the subject)
You asked me about a secret. I can only show you a portion
of one for the new season in how well prepared we are.Trent places a call on his cel, as does Robertl.
ROBERT
(interested)
Now we’re getting somewhere.
.
TRENT
(getting up)
We need to go back into the Garage for this. I just called for
us to be let in.ROBERT
(following)
Can I bring my camera?
.
TRENT
(adamant)
Sorry, absolutely not, nor a recorder.ROBERT
(interested)
I really appreciate this.TRENT
(sincerely)
You’ve earned it.ROBERT
(opening door to Garage)
After you. Careful the lights not on.TRENT
(arms being grabbed on each side)
What the hell!
ROBERT
(his fist to Trent’s jaw)
‘Thought you’d like to experience some of our directors.TRENT
(avoiding Robert’s fist)
Lights on, subdue him! Enough of your publishing gossip!ROBERT
(reeling)
Just wait!
TRENT
(smiling)
What makes you think your writi9ng career in not about to end?-
This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by Kimbal Thompson.
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This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by
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QE – Rewrite.
What I learned is I need to keep rewriting. And need to continue working on getting those traits to be part of these characters.
INT OPULENT BACKROOM – EVENING
A Dimly lit room with pools of light over art installations. The crowd is a mix of art lovers viewing the art. The double doors, bright light pours in, open with Trent, dressed expensively, an air of privilege surrounds him, he has his nose in the air, leading the way turning to Robert, amiable looking, head and eyes down, speaking low, entering behind him.
ROBERT
She was definitely with Larry, from what I hear. She was very open while she was learning how to paint.
TRENT
That’s exactly what we could use to hang over her head.
Robert nods in agreement. He lowers his voice more as they enter the crowd who has looked toward them. .
ROBERT
Oh, I didn’t realize…
TRENT
Hey, Everyone, I’ve arrived! Welcome to this exclusive gathering, I’ve charmed Robert into showing his latest installation – only for the beautiful elite like us. Please continue to enjoy yourselves and we will be ready with the main event shortly.
Crowd applauses. Trent takes off to shmooze with the crowd before Robert can question him. Robert looks around for a safe place to observe the room and study the crowd.
TRENT
(Yelling to Robert)
Robert, come on over and meet Larry and Ginger.
Robert heads over and cautiously shakes Larry’s hand. He plays it safe and asks a generic question.
ROBERT
Larry, do I know you from somewhere? Lover of art? You must be someone, being in this room, am I right?
TRENT
Robert, Robert, Larry is Sofia’s husband, we met her at the country club when you taught that art class.
ROBERT
Of course! Robert you are a lucky man.
Larry seems uncomfortable but tries to cover.
LARRY
Thank you man. She is something, for sure. She wasn’t up to coming out tonight, told me all about you…quite the event we have here, isn’t it Robert.
ROBERT
Yes, I just found out about it, Trent surprised me, I don’t really deserve this kind of reception.
TRENT
You deserve everything you’re getting, Robert. Come over here and say hello to Susan and Paul, they’re always looking for new artists.
ROBERT
I told you about them in confidence, how did you get them here together?
Susan and Paul smile at Robert, Susan gives him a little wave.
TRENT
I used my influence like you use your confidant skills.
Robert smiles. Trent moves to the center of the room as two other men join him and spread out a pad on the floor.
Robert grabs Trent’s arm.
ROBERT
(Whispers)
What’s all this Trent?
TRENT
You’ll see.
The crowd forms a circle enclosing Trent and Robert making Robert a bit unnerved. Robert looks around, his face shows that he now recognizes these people, his eyes widen. He tries to join the circle but is pushed back into the center.
TRENT
Welcome everyone. Now for the main event. I have come to love and respect each of you, the community welcomed me and of course, your love for art. What I don’t respect is the need for someone to bring you down just because you have more than they do.
ROBERT
Trent, buddy, let’s not ruin a good time with our friends.
Trent ignores Robert and continues.
TRENT
I have discovered the source of some of this gossip as you know. Let’s take care of that!
ROBERT
Trent here is just playing with you all, I don’t know what he’s been telling you.
The crowd tightens. Trent joins the circle. Pushes Robert to center again.
Larry, kicks Robert’s lets out from under him.
LARRY
Sofia is the best thing that ever happened to me and I’ve been going through some things so Ginger, my sister, and I have been spending more time together.
George steps up and kicks Robert in the ribs.
GEORGE
You started a rumor that I cheated on my wife and she left me!
The crowd gets tighter and Robert is kicked and punched, getting real ass-kicking. A weird form of Fight Club.
Robert screams in pain, trying to cover his head but the punches keep coming. Trent eggs on the crowd, keeping himself free as he straightens his suit.
Cut to. -
Savanna's rewrite of first SU Creative Mastery assignment
INT. A shooting range, November. Thanksgiving decorations are hung up offering free beers and free shooting all week that headlines: “GIT BUZZED & BRUISED FREE”
TRENT enters shooting range carrying a golden handgun where ROBERT is priming a hunting rifle.
TRENT
Jess said you hang here sometimes. Free shootin for Thanksgiving, that’s why you here?ROBERT
I’m practicing for huntin season. Starts next week. What kinda fancy glock you got there?(Clearly ROBERT is enamored with TRENT’S gun and cannot divert his eyes)
TRENT
It’s made of 14 karat. Never misses, rarely jams. ‘Case I’m in a gunfight or somethin.ROBERT
You expectin to be? That’s pricey. Bullets must cost a mint. You chasin’ a bounty?TRENT
Maybe. I don’t bother with the riffraff, that’s my motto. Only spend on what matters. I’m goin to the quieter range in the back there. Wanna see how good it fires?ROBERT
Yeah I do. Heard you in hock up to your gills for all your shiny toys, that true?TRENT
Sounds like somethin’ you’d start spreadin yourself.ROBERT follows TRENT into the back range room eyeing the gun, like a dog following a raw streak to the grill.
ROBERT
You ever lend it? I could never afford that.TRENT
Only at the range. But you caint go droppin it and bust it.ROBERT
You still sore over that? That was high school dude. Get over it. That’s why you don’t come to my class reunion shindigs?TRENT
Some things a man don’t forget.ROBERT
Jeez dude. It wasn’t a golden statue or nothin.TRENT
It was our team’s trophy. Meant a lot. I had just polished it.ROBERT
Let it go man. You can’t be Captain forever. You was so full of yourself, ya know. All the time I used to hear Chrissy and Lulu complainin ‘bout how arrogant you was.TRENT
You blabbed all over town that I balled about the trophy you broke, douche.ROBERT
You did cry all night. Missed graduation even.TRENT
Don’t mean you gotta make me look like a sissy.ROBERT
But you are one. Ha! C’mon let’s start fresh.ROBERT offers his hand to TRENT for a reconciliation handshake.
TRENT
Ain’t shakin’ your nasty hand. I seen you wackin off all during school, morning, noon and nighttime. Probably still are since you can’t find anyone to live with ya.ROBERT
Fuck you. At least I ain’t stuck with your gal.TRENT
Jess told me you talk smack about her. I want you to quit it.ROBERT
She butt-uggly. She’s b-ugly. You tap that? Must be desperate.TRENT
Go to hell.ROBERT
Ladies first.TRENT
(places earmuffs on and uses handgun to demolish the paper target at end of range with precision)ROBERT
Dang.TRENT
Wanna try it big boy?ROBERT
Sure.
(places earmuffs on and uses Trent’s handgun to shoot the paper target, poorly)TRENT
Ha! Ain’t so hot after all is ya?ROBERT
Has a kick to it. Look, ya know I’m sorry for talkin’ shit. Just makes life interestin.TRENT
(ignoring the apology) Give it to me. You probably went and done jammed it.ROBERT hands him the gun back sheepishly.
TRENT takes his gun back from ROBERT and pistol whips him with it.
ROBERT drops to floor.
TRENT
Don’t be sayin’ nothin bout my wife, dick.
END OF SCENE-
This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by savanna jackson.
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This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by
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Artemis Craig Exchange Critique, Cycle 1 3rd Pass
Fade In:
INT. SUPERMARKET – NIGHT
Fluorescent lights buzz overhead.
Shelves are stocked high with goods.
The air is thick with the scent of cheap detergent and overripe produce.
ROBERT and TRENT lurk near an empty aisle.
Their clothes are worn, their faces lean.
TRENT
(low, urgent)
Grab what you can fast. We don’t have much time.
ROBERT doesn’t answer.
He scans the aisles looking for anyone who could interrupt their pending escape.
ROBERT
(calm, commanding)
We need bread and meat.
TRENT
I know, I know anything with real calories.
TRENT scowls but follows Robert’s lead.
They move swiftly, stuffing food into worn backpacks.
A pack of ramen. A loaf of bread.
Both men reach for a rotisserie chicken that’s still warm.
Trent had it in his hand, but Robert’s hand is bigger.
He palms the chicken like a basketball.
Disappointed, TRENT sees Robert stash the chicken under his coat and stiffens.
TRENT
Hey that’s mine.
ROBERT
It’s yours if it’s in your possession.
TRENT
It was in my possession until you took it.
ROBERT
I think I deserve it.
TRENT
I beg to differ.
ROBERT
Who’s the leader here? You already know the answer.
TRENT clenches his jaw.
They both look up in unison.
A STORE CLERK approaches.
STORE CLERK
(suspicious)
You two need help finding something?
TRENT freezes. ROBERT doesn’t.
ROBERT
(casual, smooth)
Nope. Just browsing.
The clerk eyes them. He doesn’t like the look of either man.
TRENT makes the first move, but stumbles over his own ragged shoes.
The clerk’s suspicion spikes.
He gets closer in time to see Trent’s ramen noodles fall to the floor.
ROBERT
(curses under his breath)
Damn you idiot! Look what you’ve done.
Trent gets angry and throws a punch at Robert that lands on his jaw
The punch snap’s Robert’s head back.
Trent the smaller man really tears into Robert with a Malay of flying fists.
Too quick for Robert to dodge.
The STORE CLERK steps into the fray and gets punched by Robert and Trent.
He ends up on the floor.
ROBERT
(sharp, urgent)
Run.
TRENT doesn’t hesitate.
Both men step over THE STORE CLERK.
They bolt for the exit..
EXT. SUPERMARKET PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Cool air hits them as they burst outside. Tires screech somewhere in the distance.
TRENT breathes hard, adrenaline pulsing through his veins.
TRENT
(laughing, wildly)
That was sloppy.
ROBERT
(grinning, breathless)
But effective.
Robert touches the tender spot on his cheek where Trent punched him.
ROBERT
A little too effective. I thought for a minute you really were trying to beat the shit out of me.
TRENT watches as Robert pulls the chicken from his bag, triumphant.
TRENT
(narrowing eyes)
I did get in a few good punches. We had to make it look realistic.
ROBERT
(tensed)
That’s the game.
TRENT’s triumph flickers. He lets it slide for now.
They disappear into the shadows, food in hand.
The End. -
Claudia’s Double The Quality QE Scene
INT. HOTEL DEL CORONADO – BALLROOM – EVENING
The well-appointed Ballroom, decorated with fine linens and flowers is brimming with WEDDING GUESTS, some seated, others milling about the room.
The BRIDE AND GROOM, APRIL AND DANNY, are half dancing, half entertaining their guests, LAUGHING, KISSING, HUGGING, it’s a joyous day.
TRENT, 53, graying with a serious penchant for too much of everything, food, alcohol, smoking, holds his fifth glass of wine as he stumbles around the room. He sees a COUPLE packing away some food in the WIFE’S purse.
A short, nervous, HOTEL EMPLOYEE comes up to him, waits, trying to be discrete.
TRENT
It’s okay, the food cost the price of my new Jag outside… it shouldn’t go to waste.Trent looks down at his phone, waiting anxiously.
HOTEL EMPLOYEE
Mr. Sanders, we have a little problem.Trent, annoyed, moves into the man’s space.
TRENT
What’s that? You’ve been paid to make sure there were no problems today.HOTEL EMPLOYEE
Well, yes, but… you added the carriage at the last minute.TRENT
So.HOTEL EMPLOYEE
(whispering)
Your credit card was declined.TRENT
That’s not possible.
(he whips out his wallet… no cards)
Crap, wrong wallet. Use Spencer’s card then… the groom’s father? You have his card number on file?HOTEL EMPLOYEE
Well, yes, but… Mr. Spencer…TRENT
(gripping his shoulder hard)
Don’t make my little girl cry.Trent now notices four GOONS, at a table in the back. They are watching him closely.
HOTEL EMPLOYEE
Maybe the hotel can comp the carriage.TRENT
This is what I’m talking about.Trent turns his back on the employee and walks away, checking his phone, again. The man gulps and massages his shoulder with his other hand and quickly heads towards an exit.
Across the room, April and Danny are with his parents, ROBERT, 56, tall and slim with an unruly salt and pepper head of hair and his wife, DONNA, a woman obviously addicted to exercise and fighting aging.
Robert takes the stage, grasping the microphone.
ROBERT
Ladies and Gentlemen, can I have your attention?
(crowd quiets)
Thank you. I’m Robert, the father of the groom. On behalf of our two families, we want to thank you for joining us today to celebrate Danny and April’s wedding. Where is Trent?Robert spies Trent and signals for him to come over and join him.
ROBERT
I’m not sure everyone knows the connection here. April’s father, Trent, is not just our long-time friend, we’ve been partners on the job for over 22 years! So, April has been part of our family since before she was even born!
(looking at April)
Your mother would be so proud of the young woman you’ve become.Trent gets to the stage and joins them. He smiles nervously, which doesn’t escape Robert. Trent looks out to the Goon’s table and one of them looks up from his phone and holds it up in the air for Trent to see. Trent looks down at his phone and turns white.
Robert pulls an envelope out of his inside coat pocket.
ROBERT
(to Danny and April)
Donna and I wanted to do something for you.He hands Danny the envelope. Danny opens it and shows April… a VERY LARGE check.
DANNY
Mom, Dad, what did you do?DONNA
We wanted to make sure you two got to start off easier than we did.DANNY
But, you guys paid for the wedding!APRIL
Mr. and Mrs. Spenser…DONNA
Mom and Dad, or Donna and Robert.APRIL
We can’t let you… it’s too much.April takes the check and shows Trent… who looks sick. Robert’s trying to hold back anger.
APRIL
(to Trent)
Daddy, can you believe this? Now we can put a down payment on a house!TRENT
(more to Robert)
That’s… I, I thought you were going to wait… at least until they got back from the honeymoon.ROBERT
(to the crowd)
Trent’s always been wonky with money. How many of you has he hit up for a loan or maybe a non-existent investment opportunity?
(some people, in shock, actually raise their hands)
Don’t worry April, you’re in good hands now.April’s noticeably embarrassed.
DANNY
Dad!Trent jumps down from the stage and starts quickly walking towards the door.
ROBERT
Father of the Bride, where are you going?The Goons get up and head to an exit. Robert notices them and runs after Trent, who’s exited the ballroom.
ROBERT
Trent, wait up!The Goons are walking towards them.
ROBERT
What’s going on?TRENT
We’ve been partners for what? Twenty years?ROBERT
On the job over thirty, partners for 22 years.Just then Robert gets an ALERT on his phone. He pulls it out, trying to make sense of what he’s seeing.
ROBERT
What the hell?The Goons are getting closer. Robert notices Trent staring at the Goons, looking scared. He grabs Trent’s arm, shoving the phone in his face.
ROBERT
What did you do? Where’s my money? The kid’s money?TRENT
I, I had a tip. A sure thing. I figured, I could easily double it and…ROBERT
We took out a second mortgage! How the hell did you get into my account?!TRENT
You always use the same password… something you might want to change.The Goons are there just as Robert punches Trent hard in the gut.
ROBERT
15 years! I’ve been covering for you for 15 fucking years! This is how you repay me? You miserable asshole!Robert hits Trent again, breaking his nose.
GOON #1
(to another Goon)
Do we break it up?They shake their head.
ROBERT
Maybe it’s time April finds out who her father is…
(to Goons)
I’m assuming you’re here for him.TRENT
Okay! I owe the Driscoll’s, alright?!Robert shoves Trent back.
TRENT
They threatened April’s life.
(off Robert’s look)
She doesn’t know… any of it. I’m sorry.ROBERT
You’re sorry?GOON #2
(grabbing Robert)
He probably also didn’t tell you that he said you’d pay his debt… which you now obviously can’t.All four Goons start wailing on Robert.
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This reply was modified 6 days, 22 hours ago by Claudia Wolfkind.
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This reply was modified 6 days, 22 hours ago by
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