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BWTV-AI Module 4 – Lesson 10: Dialogue 7 – 8
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11 Replies
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Bob Creager’s Dialogue 7 – 8
What I learned: Just need to go line-by-line and substitute different dialogue until you find the best.
Dialogue Skill 7. Dialogue As Action
1. Rewrote the entire scene. It now contains dialogue as action, subtext, predictive dialogue, dialogue delivers character, attack/counterattack, setup/payoff, and irony.
INT. NAVAL HOSPITAL – COMMANDING OFFICER’S OFFICE – DAY
Leisa, her face a mask of grief and rage, stands at attention at the C.O.’s door, knocks once, enters.
Commander (CDR) BENZ, sits at her desk, stares down her computer.
BENZ
Heard about your father, Petty Officer Hunter. So sorry.
Leisa forces out a…
LEISA
Thank you, Ma’am.
BENZ
I know it hurts, and I know what you’re thinking. But storming in here, making demands – that’s not going to help anyone, least of all you.
LEISA
You expect me to just sit back and do nothing? My father is dead because… because our government refused to act. If they won’t do it, I will.
BENZ
And what good would resigning do? You’d be throwing your career, your life, away and it won’t bring him back.
Leisa slumps. Benz rises from her desk, pats her shoulder.
BENZ
We’re both angry. Corral that anger. It will make you a better nurse, but your duty is with your Navy family.
LEISA
Any chance I can change your mind?
Benz shakes her head.
BENZ
Go back to work. Let the pros deal with it?
LEISA
Pros?
BENZ
SEALs. Marine Raiders.
Leisa reaches into an inside pocket, pulls out an envelope, lays it before Benz.
LEISA
I’d appreciate it if you could process this as quickly as possible.
2. Subtext – Cover up – Distraction/make a joke of it.
Changed Connie’s response from a diversion to this:LEISA
What the hell, Connie? Checking your socials?
CONNIE
Are we going to sit around polishing our nails?
3. Just a one-line rewrite:
LEISA
Bird Dog, act now or forever hold your peace.
Dialogue Skill 8. Subtext
1. Added subtext to the first two bits of dialogue, both insinuate something going on.
LEISA
That guy who grabbed Nathan, he just doesn’t look… normal?
CAPT CARL
The terrorists have reached out for ransoms for the other victims. Not so with your brother.
LEISA
Why?
CAPT CARL
No clue. I’ll keep you informed. Take a couple days off, get yourself good and drunk. Run it off until your brain clears. Got it?
2. one-line rewrite – Remind us of what is under the surface.
CONNIE
Quit playing, Bird. He’s got friends.
3. A minor line change to insinuate there is something different going on.
LEISA
This is too easy.
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BWTV Module 4, Lesson 10 Diaogue 7-8
Lenore Bechtel’s Dialogue 7-8
What I learned doing this assignment is that dialogue can either exist as an action or cause an action, and there are many techniques for doing so. I also learned several techniques for creating subtext beneath the surface in dialogue.
Here’s a Shay-Joshua conversation from my pilot that gave me several opportunities to use dialogue as action, subtext, setup/payoff, anticipatory dialogue, attack/counterattack. But as seems to be usual for me, the dialogue technique that seems to work best is dialogue that delivers character. I think this revision with Shay using lots of current teenage slang makes his character come alive.
JOSHUA
(in his hypnotic voice)
I can spot a liar like a vulture spots road kill.
Shay’s eyes blink, and his head slumps slightly.
SHAY
You can?
JOSHUA
(back in his regular voice)
I can, and I did. I’ll give you one chance to tell me why you’re here. If you don’t take it, I’ll zonk some cooperation into your reluctant teenage brain.
SHAY
(nervously)
Did you just try to hynotize me?
JOSHUA
No. I just tested you. You’re a natural. I could have you patting your head and rubbing your stomach in five seconds.
SHAY
You’ve got serious game. I’m not here to write a story about hypnosis.
Joshua nods and waits. And waits.
JOSHUA
Are you waiting for me to drag the truth out of you ? Because your one chance doesn’t include my assistance. You have an agenda here in this office. Spill it!
SHAY
Sorry. Guess I’m kinda simping for a chance to investigate a member of your staff. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt one on your staff is my relative. But I’d like know that person’s ilk before I make the truth known. If I discover I don’t like her, I will not let her know. Then I’ll be on my way, and she’ll never know why I was here.
Joshua seems to toss the idea around in his head.
JOSHUA
I have only three staff members. Sally, who’s first day with us is today. Vicki, my cousin, who can’t be your relative or I’d be your relative too. That leaves Lilly, who rules the roost around here, including the rooster.
SHAY
You’re lit!. Lilly Brandon, who ghosted me on the day of my birth.
JOSHUA
That doesn’t sound like Lilly to me.
SHAY
My parents say only good things about her, but they promised her they’d never tell me her name.
JOSHUA
How did you find it?
SHAY
While they were away on a cruise, I immersed myself in years of paperwork in both their offices. Finally found the adoption agency that still exists. Used too much of my parents’ money to hire a detective. He traced the 18-year-old who gave me away to the 36-year-old running this office. I have no ill feeling against her. I’m on a mission to know her and find out who my father is. I want to know my DNA.
Joshua closes his eyes and thinks.
JOSHUA
I am visualizing Lilly giving her baby away and regretting years later, even knowing she did the right thing. I’m thinking having you in her life at this point might lift a burden that’s bothered her, maybe even contributed to her marriage that ended in divorce.
SHAY
If things don’t turn out good, I’ll go away. No cap. She’ll never be hurt.
JOSHUA
If she gets hurt, you’ll get hurt more. I’ll see to that–you understand?
SHAY
Yes sir.
JOSHUA
You’ve got yourself a new job, Shay my boy, but the reason for it is our secret. No one else is to know.
SHAY
A job?
JOSHUA
I hoped Sally could handle the media room, duplicating CDs, storing the TV shows, filling mail orders, packing equipment for when I travel. What Sally can’t do, you could do with your eyes closed. You’d be here every day to see Lilly in action.
SHAY
Sick! I’ll be forever grateful.
JOSHUA
(rising)
It’s done.
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What I learned is that by adding these techniques radically increases the depth of my script.
DIALOGUE AS ACTION:
HALLWAY
Addison disappears and the kids are high school kids again. Ryan’s gasping, staring every which way.
And huge, Blake Coleman pushes him against a locker.
COLEMAN
What are you staring at, freak?
RYAN
Nothing.
COLEMAN
Something’s strange about you, dude.
Ryan breaks away and races up the steps to the second floor.
At the top of the steps, Indigo jumps out, shocking him.
INDIGO
What was that all about?
RYAN
Coleman, he….
INDIGO
Not Coleman. You saw something.
RYAN
I don’t see things.
INDIGO
Over here.
She leads Ryan to a stairway away from student traffic.
RYAN
I think maybe you’re seeing something in me that’s just not there.
INDIGO
Show me.
RYAN
Don’t know what you’re talking about.
They lock eyes. Seconds pass. Ryan thinks for a beat.
RYAN
Okay.
They interlace their hands, raise them above their heads and touch foreheads. They close their eyes.
INDIGO’S VISION:
EXT. FIRE STATION – NIGHT
Holding hands, her MOTHER walks 5-year old Indigo to a fire station. The mother leans down and kisses her.
MOTHER
I’m so sorry, sweetie. I have to go. I want you to stay here till I’m gone, and then go into that fire station. The firemen will help you.
Indigo’s mother abandons her and disappears in the night. Indigo ventures toward the fire station.
RYAN’S VISION
INT. RYAN’S CHILDHOOD HOME – DAY
7-year-old Ryan sits at home with his PARENTS and his big brother, Nickels. Hermes agents smash open doors and burst into the house. Just as the parents stand up, a burst of GUNFIRE. They fall dead. The agents acquire Ryan and Nickels.
The above demonstrates dialogue in action as Indigo demands Ryan show her who he really is.
SUBTEXT:
INT. CONSULTATION ROOM – DAY
Wheezing, Seth shambles into the room. A conference table acts as a barricade between him and Dr. Blaine.
DR. BLAINE
Sorry about your diagnosis, Seth.
SETH
I’m deeply touched. Did you get my memo where I say I’m taking your sorry ass with me?
DR. BLAINE
I received it. Thank you.
SETH
That was just the movie trailer. I got the whole file on a thumb drive.
DR. BLAINE
Noted, sit down.
Seth sits down.
DR. BLAINE
If you don’t mind me asking, what are you going to do now? I mean you’re like a ghost. Your files are highly classified and you never talk.
SETH
Aren’t we all about secrets, Roberta?
DR. BLAINE
Any family to take care of you?
SETH
I’m touched by your concern. A wife.
Dr. Blaine checks her files.
DR. BLAINE
Emma. Nice name. You did have a child once, a little girl-stillborn.
SETH
Drop it. That’s off limits.
DR. BLAINE
It says you wrapped her body in a white terry cloth towel and snuck her out of the hospital. Why?
Seth’s eyes tear up.
SETH
Took her to the zoo. Showed her a baby goat she’d never get to pet, a pony she’d never get to ride, all the little children she’d never get to meet, and we strolled back to the hospital under a starry sky she’d never get to see. That’s why.
Seth slumps in his chair.
SETH
Two days later we buried her. Never visited her grave or spoke of her again. Not even now. Never had any more children.
Set gulps back some tears.
Subtext: Seth’s story reveals his deep emotional pain and the weight of the loss he carries with him. Dr. Blaine says she’s sorry about Seth’s diagnosis, when she wishes him dead. She only wants his thumb drive.
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Phyllis’ Dialogue 7-8
I learned from this assignment how to take passive lines and turn them into action (as defined in the lesson) and a technique for developing subtext.
Action
Original Line: Mark: Peter, you know I’ve always had your back when it comes to government regulation.
Action Line: Mark: Peter, with everything going on, we’ve gotta talk about regulation.
Original Line: Older Diana: C’mon, you know me better than that.
Action Line: Older Diana: That’ll be the day.
Original Line: Peter: I’m listening
Action Line: Peter: Go ahead.
Subtext
EXT. COMPANY CAMPUS
PETER
I thought you were living in Stockholm.
ALLEGRA
I came back to the States for college. Took Mom’s name. I’ve been Allegra Mattson ever since.
PETER
No wonder I couldn’t find you.
ALLEGRA
C’mon, Dad. You didn’t even try.
PETER
I figured you wouldn’t want to hear from me, anyway.
ALLEGRA
(sarcastic)
Why? Just because you paid your parents to stay out of my life?
PETER
I did you a favor.
The subtext is Allegra (the daughter)’s hurt over her father abandoning her, and the guilt Peter feels over abandoning her.
INT. MARK’S CAMPAIGN OFFICE
KATE
I’d say it calls for a celebration with copious amounts of alcohol.
MARK
Eli’s still here. Let’s see if he can join.
KATE
He said something about plans.
Subtext: Kate is interested in dating Mark, but Mark is finding himself attracted to Eli.
INT. THEO’S SUBURBAN HOUSE – KITCHEN
THEO
He liked his indulgences. Maybe a little too much.
MARK
Marriage is about compromise. Although usually it’s just one of you that does it.
Subtext: Both Theo and Mark are talking about the failures of their respective marriages.
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Sunil Pappu’s Dialogue 7 – 8
“What I learned doing this assignment is… to use dialogue as action and use subtext for coverups and subtext pointers in dialogue.”
DIALOGUE AS ACTION
BEFORE:
PRIYA RAO
Trust me…
ARJUN NAIR
Aah! Yes… and that’s why you stole my dossier…
PRIYA RAO
No! I had a hunch about the Hawala HQ… I didn’t think you would trust me to just give it to me…
ARJUN NAIR
So you stole it… from right under my nose…
PRIYA RAO
I’m sorry… time was of the essence… You should thank me…
ARJUN NAIR
I don’t know, Priya… you could be working for them… how do I know you’re not a liar…
PRIYA RAO
I would never…
AFTER: Dialogue that agrees or refuses
PRIYA RAO
Trust me…
ARJUN NAIR
Aah! Yes… the one who stole my dossier… from under my nose…
PRIYA RAO
I had a hunch about the Hawala HQ… I didn’t think you would trust me to just give it to me…
ARJUN NAIR
So you didn’t trust me but you want me to…
PRIYA RAO
Look, I’m sorry…
ARJUN NAIR
I don’t know, Priya… you could be working for them… how do I know you’re not a liar…
PRIYA RAO
You should be thanking me…
BEFORE:
ARJUN NAIR
We still don’t know what’s on it…
PRIYA RAO
I think it’s a list of sleeper agents…
ARJUN NAIR
… and your father…
PRIYA RAO
He’s being used as bait…
MANDEEP SINGH
Wait… so why did you return…
PRIYA RAO
I found something in the code…
MEERA
What’s that… pray do tell…
PRIYA RAO
There is an imminent terror attack… they’re going to use it as a distraction…
MEERA
Oh, come on…
PRIYA RAO
You have to…
LINA
… it makes sense… the market crash…
AFTER: Gaslighting – manipulating to reduce person’s worth
MEERA
Oh, come on… Raven, you saw her father’s image…
PRIYA RAO
He was just bait… you fell for it…
ARJUN NAIR
Even if that’s true, we don’t know for sure what’s on the ledger…
PRIYA RAO
I do… list of sleeper agents…
MANDEEP SINGH
What makes you so sure…
PRIYA RAO
I found something in the code…
MEERA
What’s that… pray do tell…
PRIYA RAO
There is an imminent terror attack… they’re going to use it as a distraction for the ledger sale…
ARJUN NAIR
Lina? Do you believe her?
LINA
… it’d make sense to crash it…
BEFORE:
ARJUN NAIR
Alright… enough…
PRIYA RAO
Can’t you see it’s a setup…
ARJUN NAIR
Lina, can you confirm the sale…
PRIYA RAO
It is a terror attack…
ARJUN NAIR
Priya, that’s for the intelligence agencies… I’m sure they would have been tipped off…
PRIYA RAO
No… I just literally told you…
LINA
Yes, the sale is on… but I still think we need to verify the terror plot… you of all people…
ARJUN NAIR
Thank you, Lina. Okay, our priority is to stop the ledger sale… so I want you Meera to get on the dark web and look for signs… get me a location… anything… meanwhile Sofia, Mandeep and I will be the boots on the ground… Lina, you really trust Priya… you both can split up and look into it… but remember we pass on what we gather… stopping a terror attack is not our mandate… am I clear?
LINA
Yes…
AFTER: invalidation, direct order to take action
ARJUN NAIR
Alright… listen up…
PRIYA RAO
… it’s a setup…
ARJUN NAIR
Lina, can you confirm the sale…
PRIYA RAO
… the terror attack is real…
ARJUN NAIR
Priya, if that’s true… that’s for the intelligence agencies…
PRIYA RAO
No… I just literally told you…
LINA
Raven, I think we should still verify the terror plot… you of all people…
ARJUN NAIR
Thank you, Lina. Our priority is to stop the ledger sale… so I want you, Meera to get on the dark web and look for signs… get me a location… anything… meanwhile Sofia, Mandeep and I will be the boots on the ground… Lina, if you trust Priya… you can look into it… but remember we pass on what we gather… stopping a terror attack is not our mandate… am I clear?
LINA
Yes… Raven.
BEFORE:
Arjun unties Priya’s hands…
ARJUN NAIR
Shh… come on… we’ve got to get out…
PRIYA RAO
Not without my father…
ARJUN NAIR
There is no time… it’s rigged to blow up…
PRIYA RAO
I’m not leaving him here…
ARJUN NAIR
I’m not playing, Priya…
Priya slaps Arjun hard…
PRIYA RAO
All you’ve been doing is playing with me… why did you recruit me… why?
ARJUN NAIR
Not now… Priya… come on…
PRIYA RAO
Not for my skills… I know it’s because of my father… tell me…
ARJUN NAIR
You really want to do this now…
An explosion goes off close to them…
PRIYA RAO
No!…
ARJUN NAIR
Come on…
Priya is hiding in the bushes with Arjun watching the emergency firefighters go through the rubble.
PRIYA RAO
Why… Why did you…
A charred body comes out in a gurney.
PRIYA RAO
You… you did this…
Priya tries to rush out, but Arjun muffles her scream and holds her down… she thumps her fists on his chest…
RAW agents descend on the rubble…
ARJUN NAIR
… okay… we need to get out of here… come on…
Priya wipes away her tears and follows Arjun… into the forest…
AFTER: shock, provoke, scare force; calming, reassuring or consoling
Arjun unties Priya’s hands…
ARJUN NAIR
Shh… come on… we’ve got to get out…
PRIYA RAO
Not without my father…
ARJUN NAIR
There is no time… it’s rigged to blow up…
PRIYA RAO
I’m not leaving him here…
ARJUN NAIR
I’m not playing, Priya…
Priya slaps Arjun hard…
PRIYA RAO
All you’ve been doing is playing with me… why did you recruit me… why?
ARJUN NAIR
Not now… Priya… come on…
PRIYA RAO
Not for my skills… I know it’s because of my father… tell me…
ARJUN NAIR
Can we first get out of here…
An explosion goes off close to them…
PRIYA RAO
No! Tell me…
ARJUN NAIR
… I can’t let you die…
Arjun drags Priya to safety before the safehouse explodes in a fire…
Priya is hiding in the bushes with Arjun watching the emergency firefighters go through the rubble.
PRIYA RAO
Why… Why did you…
ARJUN NAIR
You’re right… at first, I did recruit you to get to your father.
PRIYA RAO
Why him?
ARJUN NAIR
He never to told you?
PRIYA RAO
Tell me what?
ARJUN NAIR
He is one of the OGs of Hawala.
A charred body comes out on a gurney.
Priya tries to rush out, but Arjun muffles her scream and holds her down… she thumps her fists on his chest…
RAW agents descend on the rubble…
ARJUN NAIR
… Come on… we need to get out of here…
SUBTEXT: COVERUPS
BEFORE:
Priya digs into her father’s old files…
Priya opens a file with a cryptic symbol and an alias ELDER JOHN with her father’s photo inside…
Priya stomps down to her father’s…
BEDROOM
…slaps the file on the bedside table…
PRIYA RAO
Appa… what is this?
PRIYA’S FATHER
Hello… who are you?
Priya is frustrated…
PRIYA RAO
Appa… please… tell me who are you?
PRIYA’S FATHER
I’m… sorry… child… who are you…
Priya has tears streaming down… she walks away to look out the window…
AFTER: Continue the conversation as if nothing happened
Priya digs into her father’s old files…
Priya opens a file with a cryptic symbol and an alias ELDER JOHN with her father’s photo inside…
Priya stomps down to her father’s…
BEDROOM
…slaps the file on the bedside table…
PRIYA RAO
Appa… who are you?
PRIYA’S FATHER
Hello… who are you?
Priya is frustrated…
PRIYA RAO
Appa… please… tell me this is not you?
PRIYA’S FATHER
Hello… who are you…
Priya has tears streaming down… she walks away to look out the window…
SUBTEXT: COVERUPS + POINTERS
BEFORE:
Priya is at a table in the diner…
PRIYA’S FATHER
Did you get the rolls…
PRIYA RAO
Appa… this is a diner… they don’t serve rolls…
PRIYA’S FATHER
Right. Yes…
PRIYA RAO
Appa… do you know I’ve been having those dreams again…
PRIYA’S FATHER
Which dreams, nanna?
PRIYA RAO
You know, Appa… it feels like I was really there… with all these people and I can hear laughter… Your laughter… back when… like they are snatches of my memory…
PRIYA’S FATHER
I think we should just get a full-time caretaker for me… you are putting too much on yourself…
PRIYA RAO
Appa… I want to know about my childhood…
PRIYA’S FATHER
You know nanna… my memories are just so fuzzy… today’s one of my good days… I don’t know what you want me to tell you… you were a great kid…
Their order comes… interrupting their conversation… Priya looks up to recognize her professor walking in… he approaches them and slides into the seat opposite…
PROFESSOR
Hello, Miss… Priya! This must be your father…
He extends his hand…
PRIYA’S FATHER
Hello sir… you are…?
PROFESSOR
Ah! I see Priya hasn’t told you much about her classes… I’m her professor at Uni… you are Mr Rao.
PRIYA’S FATHER
Ah, if you say so…
PROFESSOR
See your reputation precedes you… but I wonder does your daughter… she’s your daughter, right?… hmm… does she know…
PRIYA’S FATHER
I’m sorry sir… I think you have me confused with someone else… now if you… we’re just out having a quiet family dinner…
PROFESSOR
Of course… please enjoy! I hear the kebabs are really nice…
Professor slips out and Priya tries to go after him… her father holds her down…
PRIYA RAO
Appa, what’s he talking about?
PRIYA’S FATHER
No idea, nanna… come let’s eat…
The door swings open and shuts…
AFTER: Change subject, misdirection, attack back, compliment them, continue as if nothing happened; Pointers: Imply Remind, Threaten
Priya is at a table in the diner…
PRIYA’S FATHER
Did you get the rolls…
PRIYA RAO
Appa… it’s a diner… they don’t serve rolls…
PRIYA’S FATHER
Right. Yes…
PRIYA RAO
Appa… I’ve been having those dreams again…
PRIYA’S FATHER
Dreams are good, nanna.
PRIYA RAO
Not these, Appa… these feel like snatches of my memory…
PRIYA’S FATHER
… you are putting too much on yourself… we should just get a full-time caretaker…
PRIYA RAO
Appa… tell me about her…
PRIYA’S FATHER
Whom nanna…? my memories are just so fuzzy… today’s one of my good days…
BEAT.
… you were a great kid…
PRIYA RAO
Not me…
Their order comes… interrupting their conversation… Priya looks up to recognize her professor walking in… he approaches them and slides into the seat opposite…
PROFESSOR
Hello, Miss… Priya, right! This must be your father…
He extends his hand…
PRIYA’S FATHER
Hello sir…?
PROFESSOR
Ah! I see Priya hasn’t told you much about her classes… I’m her professor at Uni… you are Mr Rao.
PRIYA’S FATHER
Ah, yes…
PROFESSOR
See your reputation precedes you… but I wonder does your daughter… she’s your daughter, right?… hmm… does she know…
PRIYA’S FATHER
… we’re just out having a quiet family dinner… So if you don’t mind…
PROFESSOR
Of course… please enjoy! I hear the kebabs are really nice…
Professor slips out… Priya’s father holds her down…
PRIYA’S FATHER
It’s getting cold… let’s eat, nanna…
The door swings open and shuts…
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Patrick’s Dialogue 7 – 8
I learned a better understanding of subtext.
The following 2 scenes are as originally written except for a few words. I believe they capture the concepts of the lessons.
7. DIALOGUE AS ACTION
Situation: Clark has come home from a months long tour with his acting troupe. He discoverers that his mother has a gambling habit that may cause then to lose their home. Clark hopes to salvage the situation especially if he gets a coveted movie role.
The dialogue between Clark and Blake cause Clark emotional pain and stress. The results of the conversation will cause Clark to take action and mount a search for the lost Confederate gold.
INT. CLARK’S HOUSE – DAY
Clark is connected to the Zoom meeting on his laptop. The face of BLAKE DEL RAY appears on the screen. He is a handsome fifty-year-old.
BLAKE
You made it.
CLARK
Yeah, hello, Blake. Sorry I was delayed getting on.
BLAKE
Well, it’s good to see you. Are you happily ensconced back at home?
CLARK
Yes, ah, but there’s a family issue. But I’m fine.
BLAKE
I hope nothing to serious.
CLARK
It will work out. How about yourself?
Still recovering from the road. So, I did hear from Lawrence about his film.
CLARK
So soon. Wonderful.
BLAKE
Um, not exactly. I’m sorry to say he’s going with Mike Langley for the part.
CLARK
Shit. Really? I was confident I- –
BLAKE
I thought he was favoring you. He feels that Mike has the physical presence the role requires.
Clark slumps back in his seat and rubs his face.
BLAKE
I’m sorry, Clark. Lawrence did say he thinks very highly of your acting. Perhaps a role down the line.
CLARK
Like that will happen. Man, I was so looking forward to being in the film.
BLAKE
I’m afraid that’s not the worst.
CLARK
What could be more disappointing?
BLAKE
The funding for the troupe has been cut.
CLARK
Cut?
BLAKE
Totally pulled.
CLARK
No. That can’t be.
BLAKE
As well, several of the theaters are reducing the number of productions. We’ve been dropped from any billings.
Clark jumps up and leans into the computer screen.
CLARK
What are you doing to stop all this? The troupe can’t just fold.
BLAKE
I’ve done what I can with our backers. I don’t know what I can pull out of the hat.
CLARK
You know I’m getting married in a couple of weeks. I have expenses and I just put a down payment on a house rental.
BLAKE
God, I’m sorry Clark. This hits all of us very hard. I’ll try my best… but don’t count on anything changing.
The two men stare into their computers. Clark screams and swats his laptop across the room.
8. SUBTEXT
Situation: Clark tells Clare that he is unsure about Ollie being his best man. When Ollie joins them, Clark immediately changes the subject.
Moments later, when Clark asks if Ollie hurt his fist on the ship, he already knows he didn’t. Ollie covers up by making a joke of it. And Clare changes the subject.
EXT. OLLIE’S HOUSE – DAY
A shotgun house. Ollie’s daughter Presley plays with a little boy and girl in front yard.
INT. OLLIE’S HOUSE – DAY
In the small comfortable front room Clare sits with Clark. The kids can be heard playing.
CLARE
I understand it’s an awkward situation. Ollie and Tammy don’t get along.
CLARK
I want Ollie to be best man. But Tammy— –
CLARE
Nevertheless, he’s your best friend.
Ollie enters carrying three bottles of beer. He hands one to Clare and Clark. His right fist is bandaged.
OLLIE
I checked the schedule and I’m off on the twenty fifth. So, I will be there on your big day.
Clark takes sip of beer.
CLARK
Thanks. You were saying the ship took on an immense amount of water.
OLLIE
Sure did. We were listing. God I thought we were going over. Some of the worst swells on the Gulf I’ve encountered.
CLARK
You always make it through.
The three of them clink their beer bottles.
CLARK
That’s not how you hurt your fist?
Ollie looks at his fist and laughs
OLLIE
Um, no. I was working on the car and whacked it …careless.
CLARE
Did Clark mention he’ll be moving to a house in town?
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Margaret’s 7-8
What I learned: I was able to replace on-the-nose dialogue with subtext.
7. Dialogue as action
Before: This is the mantle of the prophet.
After: You will war this mantle, be our prophet.
Before: Naive or a fool?
After: You either naive or a fool.
Before: Heh, did you know I am a prophet now?
After: We should be celebrating. My dad blessed with with a new skill. Watch this.
8. Subtext
Before: Sit down, Jack.
After: You look tired. Worried.
Before: Tell me.
After: Says nothing, waits for him to respond.
Before: Imara, I can’t be your prophet. I am just seen as a defector to this tribe. I say something they don’t like, give a message they don’t want to hear, well, you know what that means?
After: So, just how many ways does your tribe have to execute their defectors?
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Denice’s Dialogue 7-8
What I learned from this assignment is that it helped me solve a problem in my teaser, add subtext and another layer, and get to the cliffanger the way I wanted. I only had two lines of dialogue without subtext before. The ‘afrer’ needs more work, but it’s going in the right direction.DIALOGUE ACTION:
BEFORE:
James performs a one-handed cartwheel.JAMES
When will you master the one-handed moves?MAYA
When you master being human.
AFTER:
The Capoeira dance/fighting moves never stop during the dialogue.
James performs a walkover kick. Maya crouches low, twists away.
JAMES
You’re not from around here.She does an outside, inside crescent kick, an inch from his stomach.
JAMES
Secrets get me hot.He negates her move with a roll on the ground and a push kick. She cartwheels away, rolls on one side to evade his diagonal kick.
JAMES
Your moves are fetch. We need to connect.She glares at him. Flips in the air. Kicks one leg, the other. He does an arial cartwheel.
JAMES
Admit it, princess. I’m better than you.She falls backward, scuttles away like a crab.
JAMES
Look good on your back. Let me teach you a layout later.She punches with a flat hand toward his face, half-an-inch away.
MAYA
Your credentials don’t measure up.Her four horizontal fingers flash sparks.
The lights go out in the room.
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Jeffrey Alan Chase’s Dialogue 7 – 8
What I learned doing this assignment is there is always room for improvement. Every time I go through my dialogue using these lessons I discover new ways to elevate things. Great stuff.
DIALOGUE AS ACTION:
OLD VERSION:
Millard paces to a large window.
MILLARD (CONT’D)
Our Australian branch needs new management.
MARY
What’s that got to do with me?
MILLARD
I want you to manage it.
Mary stares, stunned —
MILLARD (CONT’D)
Shouldn’t take more than a year to fix things, maybe two, tops.
MARY
What are you up to?
NEW VERSION:
Millard paces to a large window.
MILLARD (CONT’D)
Australian office needs new blood.
MARY
What’s that got to do with me?
MILLARD
You’re going to manage it.
Mary stares, stunned.
MILLARD (CONT’D)
Shouldn’t take more than a year to fix things. Maybe two, tops.
MARY
What are you up to?
Millard won’t meet her gaze.
MARY (CONT’D)
Tell me!
SUBTEXT:
OLD VERSION:
INT. CATHERINE’S CAR – LATER
Catherine drives, keeps glancing at Jonah.
CATHERINE
Sure you’re okay?
Jonah rubs his scar, woozy, slurs his words.
JONAH
Not sure I ‘member wha’ happened.
CATHERINE
Did you get hit by a car?
JONAH
…Oh, yeah…It was a train.
She turns to him, sure that he’s kidding — but he’s serious.
JONAH (CONT’D)
I was arguing with God.
CATHERINE
Looks like you lost.
Catherine senses Jonah’s inner turmoil —
CATHERINE (CONT’D)
All I know is you were in the road, unconscious, no major trauma with a dog and a backpack.
JONAH
Oh yeah…backpack.
He glares at the bag lying by his feet on the floorboard.
JONAH (CONT’D)
Can’t seem to get rid of it.
NEW VERSION:
INT. CATHERINE’S CAR – LATER
Catherine drives, nervous, on guard.
CATHERINE
Did you get hit by a car?
Jonah rubs his scar, tries to clear the cobwebs.
JONAH
Not sure I…Oh, yeah. I ‘member now. It was a train.
CATHERINE
(sotto voce)
Great. He’s homeless and meshuga.
JONAH
I was arguing with God.
CATHERINE
Looks like you lost.
He glances at the backpack near his feet on the floor.
JONAH
Can’t seem to get rid of it.
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Barbe’s Dialogue 7 – 8
What I learned doing this assignment is that dialogue as action is a great way to end a scene. It’s pointing to the action to come.
Dialogue Skill 7. Dialogue As Action
#1 – Excerpt from Scene26 – Direct order to take action
SECURITY CHIEF: Yes sir, we believe we have a chance.
NOREN: Contact your men. (to Ishaan) Ready for this old man?
ISHAAN: Watch me!
#2 – Excerpt from Scene 27 – Direct order to take action
NOREN: (shouts into his communicator) Chief! Where are those reinforcements!
SECURITY CHIEF: (through communicator) Two minutes out, sir.
NOREN: Okay. Let’s move.
They run deeper into the facility.#3 – Excerpt from Scene 28 – Misdirection
More rumbling and rocks sliding. A faint high-pitched sound.
NIKA: What is that sound?
KELLAN: What?
ILYANA: I tried to warn you.
A sudden collapse in the temple's structure. Nika and her colleagues are trapped inside.
Dialogue Skill 8. Subtext
#1. – Excerpt from Scene 37 – Pointer: Remind us of what is under the surface.
NOREN: What is he after?
ISHAAN: Slyth is testing your resources.
NOREN: That means the facilities on Veridian Prime and Artalas might be next.
ISHAAN: We’ll interrogate those infiltrators. They might offer us something. Before you leave, we should gather and make a plan.
NOREN: At least Slyth is just after me.
ISHAAN: No, Noren, I advise you to seriously consider that the cave-in was deliberate.
#2. – Excerpt from Scene 46 – Pointer: Insinuate there is something different going on.
NOREN: Can you use a ride somewhere?
A’LYX: I’m headed to Cryos.
Noren tips his head to one side in surprise.
NOREN: Cryos? That barren, impoverished planet. Can’t be much of interest there.
A’LYX: You'd be surprised.# 3. – Excerpt from Scene 47 – Cover up: Change the subject
NOREN: Family?
A’LYX: Never had one.
NOREN: Where do you hail from.
A’Lyx changes the subject.
A’LYX: What’s the range.
Noren has a growing apprehension about A’Lyx.
NOREN: Of Destiny?
A’LYX: Nice ship.-
This reply was modified 1 year ago by Barbe LaPierre.
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This reply was modified 1 year ago by
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Jerry Robbins Dialogue 7-8
What I learned doing this assignment is that dialogue can also represent action. Subtext is a cover-up for the real meaning of something. Pointers can be used to point toward the hidden meaning beneath the surface. Subtext has a surface that communicates one thing but has a different under-the-surface meaning.
–Dialogue as action–
1. Before: First draft didn’t have this.
changed to or added: “Our years of work and dedication are about to pay off.” (This indicates they are about to do something important, an action.)
2. Before: “Sit down.”
Changed to or added: “Enough! Sit down!” Action directed by dialogue, directing the character to stop what he is doing.
3. Before: He walks over and hands the officer the permit.
After: “Over here, Officer.” In this one, he directs the officer to come to him instead.
— Subtext–
1. MARA: ” Its growth is indeteminate. it just keeps growing and growing. One has become many.”
changed to:
MARA
Its growth is indeterminate. It just keeps on growing and growing. One has become many. You see that tall one, over there? It used to be the only one. Now they’re everywhere.
ALEXIA
Like your company?
2. Before:
ALEXIA: “Ben he was killed because of the robots?”
CIPHER: “I have no idea.”
ALEXIA: “Ben said you were soulless, that you couldn’t be human. Wouldn’t that be a reason to kill him?”
CIPHER: “We know what we are. We’re supposed to have superior brains, that’s all.”
changed to:
ALEXIA
Ben Moreno. Do you know what he said at Mara’s dinner.
CIPHER
I have no idea.
Cipher starts to move away. Alexia follows.
ALEXIA
Ben said you can never be human, that you don’t have a soul.
CIPHER
(Crisply)
We know what we are.
3. before:
MARA: “let’s see how she plays her hand.”
changed to:
MARA
Sometimes the pawns make the most interesting moves.
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