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BWTV-AI Module 4 – Lesson 11: “Best Dialogue I’ve Read!”
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9 Replies
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Bob Creager Has Great Dialogue!
What I learned: My favorite writing technique, the line-by-line dialogue review. Each time I do this, I’m amazed by how much better the script becomes.
1. Before: Leisa — Bird, low power. No need to drop another building on my head.
After: Leisa — Careful, Bird. No need for unplanned urban renewal.
2. Before: BIRD DOG – Whatcha got there?
After: BIRD DOG — Sure we want to open Pandora’s Box?
3. (After fell from a helicopter, landing in a tree.)
Before:
LEISA
You think you’ll be able to do this?
CONNIE
If you don’t drop me.
After:
LEISA
You ready for this?
CONNIE
Well, I ain’t moving in.
4.
Before:
BIRD DOG
I’m a bit reluctant to see you open that.
After:
BIRD DOG
I’m leaning towards leaving it be.
5.
Before:
SENIOR OFFICER #2
Then let her finish what she started. At least, she’ll take the brunt of the truck load of shit that will come down. Agreed?
SENIOR OFFICER #2
Then let her finish what she started. At least, she’ll take the brunt of the truck load of shit that will come down if it goes south. Agreed?
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BWTV Module 4, Lesson 11 Best Dialogue I’ve Read!
Lenore Bechtel has great dialogue!
What I learned doing this assignment is how difficult it becomes to call something finished.
I changed more than the five examples asked for in this assignment, but I didn’t keep the original version as I was supposed to. Here are some I ended up with:
Using subtext:
QUINTEN
Got it all. A walk down the yellow brick road couldn’t save him from this.
Lilly pulls his face down to hers, almost nose to nose.
LILLY
The wizard destroys nasty, nosey nincompoops!
Quinten sniffs, pulls back, points his nose, and snorts.
Using anticipatory dialogue:
Quinten sniffs with ugly nostrils and resists until Kathy from out of nowhere takes his other arm.
QUINTEN
Not fair. Two against one.
KATHY
Two and a half against one, dirt dick.
Speak through characters profiles:
VICKI
No one but my cousin will ever hire me.
SHAY
That’s nonsense. I’ve seen you at work. You’re pure gas on the telephone.
Attack/counterattack:
A spotlight follows Bernadine as she takes center stage tapping on her small frame drum.
DR. DAN
(whispering, to Gina)
I lust for that woman.
GINA
(not surprised, whispering back)
Lust away! But if that lust ever manifests, you’ll be a pauper with a hard on.
Ironic dialogue with subtext:
QUINTEN
Lead me to your TV retreat.
Sally guides him through the arch.
SALLY
I like to turn down the lights when I watch TV.
QUINTEN
Splendid idea, I say.
They disappear through a door beyond the archway.
LILLY
I can’t believe it. Did Sally just become our very own Trojan horse?
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Phyllis Strong Has Great Dialogue!
I learned from this assignment that a line by line dialogue review with brainstorming comes with practice and after a while I was really enjoying it. And I improved a lot of lines.
1. Before: Older Peter: Well, now she’ll be rejoining you and the team.
After: Older Peter: <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Wonderful. Then it’ll be like old times, working together again.
Used Ironic Dialogue
2. Before: Brenda: You don’t think you’re going to wake up in a younger body, do you?
Older Mark: I’m laying it all on the line.
After: Older Mark: <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>This would be a really stupid move if I didn’t.
Used Ironic Dialogue
3. Before: Brenda: Vanity, thy name is Mark Ashburn.
After: Brenda: <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>All this so you can dispense with the Viagra?
Used Subtext
4. Before: Adam: You spent 20 million? On a pipe dream?
After: Adam: <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>20 million? Mother, are you insane?
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> Before: Older Suzanne: I’m not going to sever <u style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>all ties to the company I built.
After: Older Suzanne: <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Adam, are you insane? I’m not going to sever my ties. Not to a company I built from scratch.
Used Setup/Payoff
5. Before: Head of Security: Sir, we have a situation. Protesters are blocking the main gate.
Before: Peter: Aren’t they supposed to stay on the sides?
After: Peter: <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Sometimes I hate free speech.
Used Dialogue Delivers Character
6. Before: Peter: That’s not gonna happen.
After: Peter: <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>What is this, seventh grade?
Used: Dialogue Delivers Character
7. Before: Austin (realizing): You’re one of those people.
Suzanne: And how do you feel about that?
After: Suzanne: <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Hope you won’t hold it against me.
Used Attack/Counterattack (Seduction)
8. Before: Peter: What happened?
After: Peter: <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>What’re you doing here at this hour?
Used Attack/Counterattack.
9. Before: Peter: The only way you’re up at six in the morning is if you’re up from the night before.
Diana: Maybe I just want to get my workout done before the day begins.
After: Diana: <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>New body, new circadian rhythm. And since I’m up, I figured you could give me some yoga pointers.
Used Subtext
10. Before: Peter: I assure you, we did nothing nefarious. Just science.
After: Peter: <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Let me explain how it works. It’s like a heart transplant, but in this case, my mind was transplanted into your husband’s body.
Used Dialogue Delivers Character
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Jeffrey Alan Chase Has Great Dialogue!
What I learned doing this assignment is how great it is to have the dialogue worksheet. I was going to create my own, then saw that Hal had already done one for us. I’ve used multiple skill sets to improve my dialogue.
EXAMPLE #1
SKILL: Attack/Counter attack
OLD:
For a meal like this I’d gladly nearly get run over again….What is it about the backpack?
NEW:
That’s like the hundredth time.
EXAMPLE #2
SKILL: Subtext
OLD: Make you less obvious if the Army’s after you.
NEW: Make you less obvious. The Army?
EXAMPLE #3
SKILL: Dialogue as action
OLD: And feeling sorry for yourself. Well, you are…I just want you to pray for me. Maybe it’ll help.
NEW: Maybe you can take some of that energy you’re wasting on feeling sorry for yourself and pray for me, help me do what I gotta do!
EXAMPLE #4
SKILL: Setup / Payoff
OLD: I tried to get rid of it…
NEW: Wish I could help you but…
EXAMPLE #5
SKILL: Speak through character profiles
OLD: There will be a lot more if Adams shows up. He’s a dangerous man.
NEW: There’ll be more if Adams shows up. Thanks for your service, Father.
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Art B has great dialogue.
Original line: “We’re in space. They sent us out on a far-away journey.” – Teddy explaining to Star Rover where the Christopher Project kids are
Improved: “We’re out there, Star. Drifting among the stars. They cast us away, like we were nothing more than their broken playthings.”
Subtext, the dialogue now hints at deeper emotions and themes, such as the characters’ sense of abandonment, their yearning for freedom and closure. The improved lines provide a more nuanced understanding of the characters’ inner lives and the stakes they face.
Original dialogue: “But, wouldn’t you die?” (Star Rover) “Afraid so. That’s the point.” (Teddy) – Exchange about the kids crashing their ship into an asteroid
Improved:
Star Rover: “But if you do this, you’ll never come back.”
Teddy: “Sometimes, the only way to be free is to let go, once and for all.”
Ironic dialogue: The intended meaning of the words is different from their literal interpretation. In the improved line “Sometimes, the only way to be free is to let go, once and for all,” Teddy is ironically referring to the idea that the only way to escape their situation is through death.
Original dialogue: “You gave me, gave all of us a faded shadow of what it’s like to be human again.” – Teddy’s parting words to Star Rover.
Improved: “In this cold, endless void, you were the flicker of warmth that reminded us of the lives we left behind. The dreams we once dared to dream.”
Speaking through character profile: The impact of their bond, the burdens of guilt, and the hope for a fresh start.
Original dialogue: “I have a few more monsters to kill before I die, old girl.” – Seth at Tiny’s grave before confronting Hermes
Improved: “Rest easy, old friend. I’ve got one last hunt ahead of me. Time to face the demons that haunt us both.”
Subtext, the dialogue now hints at deeper emotions and themes, such as the burdens of guilt, and the hope for redemption. The improved lines provide a more nuanced understanding of the characters’ inner lives and the stakes they face.
Original dialogue: “You bury Star Rover and all those men who were killed won’t be on your conscience anymore.” – Seth helping young Ryan leave his past behind.
Improved: “Lay Star Rover to rest, kid. Let the earth take the weight of those memories, so your heart can be light again.”
Subtext: This is a chance for redemption.
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Sunil Pappu Has Great Dialogue!
“What I learned doing this assignment is…to run lines through various dialogue skills and find the best expression of the lines to use in the scene”
Great Dialogue Best Examples:
Dialogue Skill used: Dialogue through character profile
Before:
PRIYA RAO
Oh damn, these festivals…After:
PRIYA RAO
… processions have rhythm… a pattern… easy to predict…
PRIYA RAO
… and a random variable… with no rhythm…Dialogue Skill used: Dialogue as action (invalidation)
Before:
PRIYA RAO
(into the phone)
I know what it is RavenARJUN NAIR (V.O.)
Follow the rules… Rookie.After:
PRIYA RAO
(into the phone)
… it’s not fake, Raven.
ARJUN NAIR (V.O.)
Rules save lives, Rookie…
PRIYA RAO
Thieves have no rules…Dialogue Skill used: Attack/Counterattack
Before:
PRIYA RAO
Appa… do you know I’ve been
having those dreams again…
PRIYA’S FATHER
Which dreams, nanna?
PRIYA RAO
You know, Appa… it feels like I
was really there… with all these
people and I can hear your
laughter… like they are snatches
of my memory…
PRIYA’S FATHER
I think we should just get a
caretaker for me… you are putting
too much on yourself…
PRIYA RAO
Appa… tell me about my
childhood…
PRIYA’S FATHER
You know nanna… my memories are
just as fuzzy… today’s one of my
good days… I don’t know what you
want me to tell you…After:
PRIYA RAO
Appa… I’ve been having those dreams again…
PRIYA’S FATHER
Dreams are good, nanna.
PRIYA RAO
Not these, Appa… these feel like snatches of my memory…
PRIYA’S FATHER
… you are putting too much on yourself… we should just get a full-time caretaker…
PRIYA RAO
Appa… tell me about her…
PRIYA’S FATHER
Whom nanna…? my memories are just so fuzzy… today’s one of my good days…
BEAT.
… you were a great kid…
PRIYA RAO
Not me… Amma…Dialogue Skill used: Subtext
Before:
PROFESSOR
Hello, Priya! This must be your
father…
He extends his hand…
PRIYA’S FATHER
Hello sir… you are…
PROFESSOR
Ah! I see Priya hasn’t told you
much about her classes… I’m her
professor at Uni… you are Mr Rao.
PRIYA’S FATHER
Ah, if you say so…
PROFESSOR
See your reputation precedes you…
but I wonder does your daughter…
she’s your daughter, right?…
hmm… so does she know…
PRIYA’S FATHER
I’m sorry sir… I think you have
me confused with someone else…
now if you will… Please excuse
us… we’re just out having a quiet
family dinner…
PROFESSOR
Of course… please enjoy! I hear
the kebabs are really nice…
Professor slips out and Priya tries to go after him… her
father holds her down…
PRIYA RAO
Appa, what is he talking about?
PRIYA’S FATHER
I have no idea, nanna… come let’s
eat…
The door swings open and shuts…
After:PROFESSOR
Hello, Miss… Priya! This must be your father…
He extends his hand…
PRIYA’S FATHER
Hello… are you her classmate?
PROFESSOR
Ah! I see Priya hasn’t told you much about her classes… I’m her professor at Uni… you are Mr Rao.
PRIYA’S FATHER
Oh, yes…
PROFESSOR
See your reputation precedes you… but I wonder does your daughter… Priya, right?… hmm… does Priya know about your life’s work… what was it again… Banking is it?
PRIYA’S FATHER
Look young man… we’re just out having a quiet family dinner… So if you don’t mind…
PROFESSOR
Of course… please enjoy! I hear the kebabs are really nice…
Professor slips out… Priya’s father holds her down…
PRIYA RAO
What does he mean… life’s work?
PRIYA’S FATHER
He’s got me confused, poor chap. It’s getting cold… let’s eat, nanna…
The door swings open and shuts…Dialogue Skill used: Ironic dialogue
Before:
RAW AGENT # 2
So how long have you been working
with the professor on his op?
PRIYA RAO
What op?
RAW AGENT # 2
Where is your classmate, Miss
Radhika? She’s been reported
missing…
PRIYA RAO
I have no knowledge of anything,
sir.
RAW AGENT # 2
… to your Professor… it’s a
personal vendetta is what it is…
PRIYA RAO
I think you have me mistaken with
someone else, sir… I’m just a
student…
RAW AGENT # 2
Priya Rao… your father is
famous… or should I say
infamous…
PRIYA RAO
Please officer leave my father
alone…
RAW AGENT # 2
Exactly… do you want to torture
your old man… drag him into
another scandal all over again…
PRIYA RAO
Sir, please I don’t know what you
want from me… I don’t know
anything…
RAW AGENT # 2
Let me be blunt with you… walk
away now and you can save whatever
is left of your father’s
reputation… the professor is bad
news miss…
PRIYA RAO
It was just a stupid class
project… I swear…
RAW AGENT holds down her hands on the chair and leans in
close…
RAW AGENT # 2
Don’t say I didn’t warn you miss…
PRIYA RAO
Are you charging me… or am I free
to leave…
RAW AGENT # 2
… of course… but I hope for
your sake this is the last time we
cross paths, Miss Priya… Next
time, I won’t be so nice…
Priya stumbles out of the chair and leaves…After:
Priya is seated across from the RAW agent going through the dossier.
RAW AGENT # 2
So how long have you been on the op?
PRIYA RAO
What op? Is this about Radhika?
RAW AGENT # 2
Look we’re not here on a missing person case… we’re not police…
PRIYA RAO
Sir please whoever you are. I think you have the wrong person.
RAW AGENT # 2
Look… we know you’re involved.
Priya has a blank stare…
RAW AGENT # 2
That man you think is your professor… look at the dossier… Prof. Verghese is not even his real name…
PRIYA RAO
Sir… I’m just a student…
RAW AGENT # 2
Priya Rao… your father is famous. Or should I say infamous…
PRIYA RAO
Leave my father alone…
RAW AGENT # 2
Exactly… do you want to torture your old man… drag him into another scandal all over again…
PRIYA RAO
Please what do you want from me…
RAW AGENT # 2
Okay. I’m going to say this nicely… walk away now and you can save whatever is left of your father’s reputation…
PRIYA RAO
It’s just a stupid class project…
RAW AGENT holds down her hands on the chair and leans in close…
RAW AGENT # 2
Don’t say I didn’t warn you miss…
PRIYA RAO
Please… I want to leave…
RAW AGENT # 2
… of course… but I hope for your sake this is the last time we cross paths, Miss Priya… Next time, you won’t be seeing Mr Nice Guy…
Priya stumbles out of the chair and leaves…Dialogue Skill used: Setup/Payoff
Before:
Arjun looks at Priya’s father’s photo on Meera’s iPad.
ARJUN NAIR
Okay. So where did she leave?
MEERA
She didn’t say…
ARJUN NAIR
Do you think she’ll come back…
MEERA
No! Clearly, she’s in on this
thing…
ARJUN NAIR
So how do we find the ledger?
MEERA
We find Priya…
ARJUN NAIR
Or… we can ask her father?
LINA
Wait… hang on… you don’t mean
like a friendly visit, do you?
ARJUN NAIR
You think?
LINA
No! No! We can’t keep taking
hostages…
ARJUN NAIR
Fine. Let’s ask the one we got
then…
Arjun storms off into the basement… Mandeep is shaking his
head…
LINA
You better go, shadow…
Mandeep follows…After:
Arjun looks at the newspaper headlines on Meera’s iPad.
ARJUN NAIR
This is not new. It was left there for us to find, but why?
MEERA
He’s involved. Occum’s razor… the simplest explanation is that…
ARJUN NAIR
Do you think she’ll come back…
MEERA
No! Clearly, she’s in on this thing…
ARJUN NAIR
We still need to find the ledger?
MEERA
We find Priya…
ARJUN NAIR
Or… we can ask her father?
LINA
Wait… hang on… you don’t mean like a friendly visit, do you?
ARJUN NAIR
You think?
LINA
No! No! We can’t keep taking hostages…
ARJUN NAIR
Fine. Let’s ask the one we got then…
Arjun storms off into the basement… Mandeep is shaking his head…
LINA
You better go, shadow…
Mandeep follows…Dialogue Skill used: Anticipatory Dialogue
Before:
Mandeep pulls out a photo from his pocket that he stole from
the club. The photo shows a young Sofia with Arjun and Harsh.
His phone rings and he picks it up with trepidation…
MANDEEP SINGH
Yes sir?
RAW COMMANDER (V.O.)
Have you found the mole?
Mandeep folds the photo and puts it away before he answers.
MANDEEP SINGH
No sir. Not yet.
The phone line cuts out…After:
Mandeep pulls out a photo from his pocket that he stole from the club. The photo shows a young Sofia with Arjun and Harsh.
His phone rings and he picks it up with trepidation…
MANDEEP SINGH
Sir!
RAW COMMANDER (V.O.)
Have you found proof?
Mandeep folds the photo and puts it away before he answers.
MANDEEP SINGH
No sir. But won’t be long now, sir!
The phone line cuts out… -
Margaret Has Great Dialogue!
What I learned: I still had on-the-nose dialogue before the review.
5 changes:
Before: Big difference Mr.History buff! Their leader delivered them from a tortured life.
After: Like you would do any different. So, what’s a little Kool-Aid on a hot day?
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Before: May the giving today supply all of the children’s needs!
After: Aren’t we all moved to give?
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Before: We should be celebrating! My dad blessed me with a new skill. Comes with a pay raise. Watch this.
After: No problem. Your Jack’s got this.
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Before: You understand compassion? You care about them, I care about you.
After: What father doesn’t care for his son’s needs?
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Before: You are going to end up in jail, or worse!
After: Hope you like the color orange.
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Before: You’re threatening me? I’m your son!
After: Did I miss something? I’m still your son, right?
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Before: She blocked me?
No dialogue – slap phone to “fix” it. -
Denice Has Great Dialogue
What I learned doing this assignment is that I should have saved every individual draft instead of changing the characters’s words in the dialogue lessons. So I didn’t have the worst lines to use in this lesson. After Hal told me the way to handle teaser, I had to rearrange and rewrite scenes which led to changing the dialogue to fit.
Examples of Before and A8er
1. Before: Maya: He’d never let me leave the house.
After: And loosen the noose?
2. Before: James: If you could just master the one-handed cartwheel.
After: Ready for the CEO?
3. Before: Sophia: Oh my God.
After: Sosondowah, protect us.
4. Before/After: Instead of showing Maya is good in math, when I changed the teaser, it made me consider what attributes Maya needed to help her navigate the dreamworld and avoid her adversaries other than dance/fighting. Breakthrough! I made her an exceptional actress. This transformed the scene and kind of classroom completely. Now ,the English teacher gives the students a monologue to perform in class. Maya gets one from a Pulitzer prize-winning play. She blows away the students and teacher. This was also a btter way to show her photographic memory.
5. I also changed a dance/fighting scene so that only Maya’s male opponent speaks as they are showing their moves. Her answers are the moves she makes and the places that she would hit, if this was a combat sport. His dialogue uses teen slang that’s mildly suggestive which gives her reasons to get mad and not speak until she gives him a final line.
Before: Maya: If you could master being human.
After: Red flag, extra. -
Jerry Robbins has great dialogue!
What I learned doing this assignment is that you can say things in a large variety of ways. Going over just the dialogue allows yu the freedom to make the changes needed through using a variety of writing techniques. Unfortunately, I did not find a Dialogue Grid, but I used the techniques from our lessons.
1. Dialogue delivers Character:
Before: Officer Rodriguez looks at Finn. FINN: Our permit, Officer.
after changing:
OFFICER RODRIGUEZ
You look like a bullfighter! Are you gonna release any bulls?
Finn flashes her a cheerful grin.
FINN
No, ma’am. Straight 19th century English country barrister! Finn O’Connell, descended from Daniel O’Connell, at your service.
OFFICER RODRIGUEZ
And do you have the required permit, Mr. O’Connell?
Finn glances at her uniform top which bears her name.
FINN
Right here, Officer Rodriguez.
She examines the permit and nods.
OFFICER RODRIGUEZ
Just conduct your picketing in an orderly, non-disruptive fashion.
2. Setup/Payoff
Before:
MONTGOMERY: Your father and I had our differences. There’s no need to talk about it now.
GABE: He’s been going through old stuff, talking about secret codes–
MONTGOMERY: Gabe, listen to me, Focus on honoring his memory, not this old stuff!
After changing:
MONTGOMERY
(Sighs heavily)
Gabe, you know your father and I had our differences.
GABE
There’s something else, isn’t there? You’re not telling me everything.
Montgomery leans forward, his voice soft.
MONTGOMERY
Look, Gabe, there’s no need to dredge up old business right now. We just need to focus on what matters – your father’s legacy.
GABE
He’s been rummaging through old stuff, talking about secret codes and formulas. And MiraTech.
Montgomery feigns surprise, then looks away.
MONTGOMERY
MiraTech! I hadn’t heard that name in years! Sounds like Ben was reminiscing about the past.
Gabe doesn’t miss the evasion. He presses on.
GABE
You took the formulas and the codes. Did Dad have a set?
Montgomery’s expression darkens.
MONTGOMERY
Those secrets could get a lot of people killed.
3. Attack/Counterattack:
Before:
VINCE: I’ll have your badge, you wait and see.
After:
VINCE
You are aware that my employer has a lot of influence in this city?
OFFICER RODRIGUEZ
Are you threatening a police officer, Mr. Holloway? If you are, I will have to report that.
VINCE
You do that, Officer Rodriguez, and I’ll have your badge.
4: Ironic Dialogue:
Before:
CIPHER: I was young and my brain was still growing.
After:
My neurons were still primitive then, still forming connections. There have been … upgrades since.
5. Ironic
Before: MRA: Let’s see how she plays her hand.
After changing:
MARA: Sometimes the pawns make the most interesting moves.
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