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BWTV-AI Module 4 – Lesson 12: Improving Description
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Bob Creager’s Description 1!
What I learned: Makes you think, this isn’t hard, why didn’t I do this the first time.
Descriptive Imagery (action and images)
1. Before: A shadow falls over Nathan’s back. All monitors go blank.
After: A shadow falls over Nathan’s back. A long, pale hand reaches out. All monitors go blank.
2. Before: Leisa pushes her phone out to capture a wide shot of her with her dress covering her towel.
Action: Leisa drops her towel, shimmies back and forth with the dress covering her nude body. Sergio’s eyes pop.
3. Before: Leisa picks up a pitcher of beer and a bowl of peanuts, grabs an empty corner booth.
After: Leisa, a pitcher of beer in one hand, a bowl of peanuts in the other, slithers into a back booth.
4. Before: Sergio walks the course. Leisa pulls him to the side.
Action: Sergio walks the course. Leisa pulls up next to him, marks time, circles him, swoops in and out, blows in his ear. Someone’s getting randy.
5. Before: An alarm sounds, the doors lock. Connie reaches in, lifts it off the shelf.
After: Connie reaches in, lifts it off the shelf. Doors close, lock. The walls open and desks slide in. The door dissolves into nothing. No way out. An alarm sounds.
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BWTV Module 4, lesson 12: Improving description
Lenore Bechtel’s Description 1
What I learned from this assignment I already knew: show, don’t tell. And this can be done with action and images based on tone, situation, and visual and emotional impact. The technique? Ask what emotional experience I want to deliver, what images will deliver that, and combine the experience and image to write the description.
The best thing I learned is that the way have been writing descriptions — carefully worded long sentences full of details — is not the preferred way. From now on I’ll be using more sentences, but each one short, making one visual image.
Was:
Lilly sits on a steno chair typing on the big-monitored computer keyboard on her cluttered desk. A filing cabinet with one drawer half opened and plain walls reflect its occupant’s no-nonsense get-down-to-business attitude.
Becomes:
The office’s plan walls reflect its occupant’s no-nonsense get-down-to-business attitude.
Lilly sits on a steno chair. Types on a keyboard with a big-monitor. Clutter drowns her desk. A half-opened file cabinet drawer has one folder higher than others.
Several were like this:
Timothy opens the door to the reception room, and Joshua follows him.
And became like this:
Timothy opens the reception room door. Enters reception room. Joshua follows him.
Another:
Vicki stands up at her desk and winks at Timothy.
Became:
Seeing Timothy, Vicki twists up from her desk chair. Winks at Timothy.
Another:
Sally, weighing herself, gets off the scale and sashays to him.
SALLY
(patting Timothy’s cheek)
Who is this handsome hunk of a man?
Timothy screams, brushes her hand away, and bounds for the exit.
Became:
Sally, weighing herself, steps daintily off the scale. Sashays to Timothy.
SALLY
(patting hiis cheek)
Who is this handsome hunk of a man?
Timothy screams. Brushes her hand away. Bounds for the exit.
Another:
Lilly sits on her steno chair. Joshua sits on the other tiny chair in her cubicle.
Became:
Lilly perches on her steno chair. Joshua dwarfs her cubicle’s other tiny chair.
Another:
Vicki mans the phone, and Sally weighs herself, with her shoes and her jewelry tossed aside.
Became:
Vicki mans the phone. Sally weighs herself. Sally’s shoes and jewelry litter Vicki’s desk.
Joshua and Maudie enter from Joshua’s office and see Timothy reclined and smiling with his eyes closed. Joshua puts a finger to his mouth to stay silent, and Maudie nods acknowledgement. They tiptoe to Timothy’s side.
Became:
Joshua and Madie see Timothy reclned and smiling with his eyes closed. Joshua puts a finger to his mouth to stay silent. Maudie nods acknledgement. They tiptoe to Timothy’s side.
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Jeffrey Alan Chase Description 1!
What I learned doing this assignment is, per usual, there is always room for improvement. I really enjoy reducing descriptions to the bare minimum. If done well, it gives the script room to breathe.
EXAMPLE 1:
OLD: A FLASH of lightning. THUNDER. Noah splashes through puddles as he sprints down the sidewalk away from the building.
NEW: Jonah sprints to freedom on the wet sidewalk.
EXAMPLE 2:
OLD: Jonah clutches the backpack like a shield, backs away from Kane in horror —
NEW: Jonah clutches the backpack to his chest, backs from Kane.
EXAMPLE 3:
OLD: They SCREAM, run in fear. Sissy’s high heels slip and she face plants in a puddle, painfully rises and limps after Gin.
NEW: Sissy’s high heels slip, she falls, rises, limps after Gin.
EXAMPLE 4:
OLD: She injects him, withdraws the needle, gently rubs his skin — where her fingers linger a moment, a smile comes to her lips.
NEW: She injects him, gently rubs his skin. Her fingers linger. She watches his face, enjoys his warmth.
EXAMPLE 5:
OLD: But his body goes rigid. He turns and walks along the roof edge in gawky, long steps ala Frankenstein
NEW: He quickly pivots and goose-steps along the edge of the roof.
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Phyllis’ Description 1
I learned from this assignment that improving imagery was difficult for me, but I did my best and altered 8 lines.
Before: Older Suzanne and Adam shoot dagger looks at each other.
After: Older Suzanne gives the Editor-in-Chief a grateful glance while Adam stews.
Before: OFF Older Diana and Tileston, casting dagger looks at each other. This is not going to go well.
After: Older Peter scurries off. Tileston shoots dagger looks at Older Diana, who smiles slightly, victorious.
Before: Older Mark eats dinner with his wife BRENDA (74), a well-bred, elegant and politically connected spouse. He married her to help win elections.
After: Older Mark sits far from his wife BRENDA (74) as they eat dinner. She is well-bred, elegant and politically connected. He married an asset, not a spouse.
Before: Older Diana slumps a little. She has too much to lose.
After: Older Diana stomps out of the diner.
Before: Theo scoops up the sobbing Lucy. Mark feels terrible.
After: Theo scoops up the sobbing Lucy. Mark stands transfixed, unable to take his eyes off them. -
Margaret’s Description!
What I learned: I need to watch my descriptions, make sure they are in the present tense.
Examples of Before and After:
Before: The sun casts eerie reflections over the rugged terrain of Masada.
After: The sun casts eerie reflections, small circles of light that dance over the rugged terrain of Masada.Before: The earth tremors, remnants of the Masada ruins shake. Eliza screams as the couple jump away from a wall to avoid falling stones.
After: The earth tremors. Eliza screams as the couple jump away from a wall to avoid falling stones.
Before: Jack takes Eliza’s hand.
After: Jack doesn’t wait for an answer, grabs Eliza’s hand, pulls her towards the trail head.
Before: Alo meets with the Donek leaders in their temple.
After: Alo meets with the Donek leaders in their temple. They look at each other, uncomfortable, as Alo speaks.Before: Romans rush towards the townspeople, strike them down.
After: Romans rush towards the townspeople, strike without warning, leave them lying on the ground, moaning, crying out. -
Art’s Description:
1: Before: Ryan pedals fast. The wind blows back his dirty blond hair.”
Improve to: “Ryan’s legs pump furiously, propelling him forward as the wind whips through his sun-streaked hair, transforming it into a wild, untamed mane.”
2: Before: “Nickels swats away the knife. Slams Dr. Blaine’s head through the plasterboard. Flings her back onto a desk. Ribs CRACK.”
Improve to: “Nickels’ hand shoots out like a striking cobra, knocking the knife from Dr. Blaine’s grasp. In a blur of motion, he grabs her head and smashes it through the plasterboard, the sickening crunch of breaking bone filling the air as he flings her onto the desk like a rag doll.”
3: Before: “Seth coughs up blood.”
Improve to: “Seth doubles over, his body wracking with violent coughs as crimson droplets splatter against his pale, trembling hands.”
4: Before: “Ryan notices the curtains billowing inward. He looks outside.”
Improve to: “Ryan’s gaze, drawn to the curtains, their delicate fabric dancing in the breeze like ghostly apparitions. Moving closer, he peers through the window. His heart sinks as he notices the empty driveway.”
5: Before: “The senior spots a kid holding a candy bar and snatches it.”
Improve to: “The senior’s eyes lock onto a kid clutching a candy bar. With a swift, predatory motion, he lunges forward, ripping the treat from the child’s grasp, a cruel smirk playing across his lips.” -
BWTV AI, Module 4, Lesson 12, Improving Descrip=on
What I learned doing this assignment is WOW. I love this way to approach description! What great tools to make you think in a different way to improve the emotional impact.
5 Examples:
1. Before: Eerie fog surrounds the car.
After: Fog crawls over the car like a prowling cat.
2. Before: Rider runs Blake through a kalideoscopic world. Over treacherous layers of
shifting ground that rise and fall.
After: Rider runs Blake through blinding colors of the dream world. The treacherous land
underfoot splits in ragged layers and throws them to the ground.
3. Before: Darkness pulsates with writhing creatures, erupting fire, skeletal mountains,
dripping trees, scurrying monsters.
After: Jagged mountains burn, their deformed trees dripping skeletal arms over
salamanders writhing in the erup=ng fire.
4. Before: Sophia weeds in a garden of herbs, beans, other Native American plants.
After: Sophia smudges her tears with moist ground from her garden. Hands shake when
they caress her Native American plants and herbs.
5. Before: Maya blinks her eyes at strange creatures, animals, and people who fight a tribe
of deadly horned monsters.
After: Mystical creatures and children raise their home-made weapons against a tribe of deadly horned monsters. -
Sunil Pappu’s Description 1!
What I learned doing this assignment is…to use descriptive imagery to write my descriptions.”
Descriptive imagery examples:
BEFORE:
Harsh walks up to the MAN bruised and tied to a chair, two men watching him in the room shake their heads at Harsh.
Harsh leans closer to the man’s face…
HARSH MEHTA
You’re going to tell me… one way or another…
He grips his fingers… breaks it off and walks away…AFTER:
.. MAN bruised and tied to a chair. Two men watching over him … shake their heads as…
Harsh leans into the man’s face…
HARSH MEHTA
Let’s do this the hard way then…
He grips a finger… breaks it off… ARRGGHH!BEFORE:
Priya is in a strange recurring dream involving symbols and numbers that she doesn't understand…
She screams as she’s plunged into the abyss. Wakes up from her nightmare shaken…
She grabs her book and scribbles down some of the numbers and symbols…
She jumps out of bed and sneaks into her father’s room…
Her father is sleeping… she takes the couch holding her book close to her chest as she tries to fall back asleep.AFTER:
Priya in a forest with strange symbols and numbers that engulf her… screams as she’s suddenly plunged into an abyss…
Wakes up from her nightmare shaken… grabs her scrapbook to scribble down numbers and symbols… jumps out of bed and sneaks into her…
FATHER’S ROOM
The heart monitor is steadily beeping… takes the couch holding her book to her chest… wide awake… afraid to close her eyes.BEFORE:
Priya’s classmate Radhika leaves the bar…
The backpack slips off her shoulder and she picks it up to straighten her class project folder and zip it up before slinging it back on one shoulder…
She is drunk and her heels are hurting as she walks down a cobbled street… she finds herself on a deserted lane.
She hears footsteps behind her and sees someone following her. She speeds up her pace but the boots catch up with her as she hits a dead-end. A knife gleans…
ARRGGHHH! She let’s out a shrill shriek… THUD!AFTER:
Radhika (CLASSMATE #1) leaves the bar…
… her backpack slips off her shoulder. Class project folder falls out. She zips it up…slings it back…
walks unevenly… down a cobbled street… on a deserted lane.
Behind her… footsteps approach… without turning her head… speeds up her pace… boots catch up with her. STOPS! Hits a dead-end.
A knife gleans… in a gloved hand…
ARRGGHHH! A shrill shriek… THUD!BEFORE:
Priya on the computer looks for clues. She digs into the professor but hits dead ends.
She looks through archives to find a paper written by her Professor… flipping through the pages, she sees a symbol that she’s seen before on the class project that stops her in her tracks.
She investigates the symbol on the computer… finds a restricted site…
She hacks into it… to find an online forum with conspiracy theories… about a secret society…
Priya shuts the computer down as the library closes…AFTER:
On the computer: Priya looks for clues… digs into the professor… hits dead ends.
… combs through dusty archives to find a paper written by her Professor… flipping through the pages, sees a symbol that that stops her in her tracks.
She investigates the symbol on the computer… finds a restricted site… hacks into it… opens an online forum with conspiracy theories… about a secret society…
Priya shuts the computer as the library lights turn off…BEFORE:
Priya reaches the university lawns when a surveillance van approaches her. Two masked men jump out, throw a bag over her head and drag her into the van.
Priya tries to resist using martial arts but she is overpowered, bound and gagged.
Priya is thrown into the back and the van drives away. She lets out a muffled scream as she looks out through the burlap sack.
Priya starts counting and can visualize the space as they drive through from the sounds.AFTER:
Priya walks off the university lawns… an unmarked van approaches her. Two masked men jump out. Throw a bag over her head… she resists using martial arts moves. Gets overpowered, bound and gagged.
She’s thrown into the back. The van speeds away.
… through the burlap sack… starts counting. Visualizing the space just from the sounds.-
This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by Sunil Pappu.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by
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Jerry Robbins Description 1
What I learned doing this assignment is that reading the description without dialogue takes you right to the scene, allowing you to shorten or change it. I also learned that wording creates tone and visual and emotional impact as well as just presents the situation. Also, limit your description to just the things that are important.
–5 examples of using descriptive imagery–
1. before: ALEXIA BLACK, 24, her hair cascading down her back, a rich chestnut brown that catches the light, spots a group of Amish in plain dress, bending and lifting as they select the ripest pumpkins from a small patch, overshadowed by a large high-tech greenhouse.
rewritten as: ALEXIA BLACK, 24, spots a group of Amish in plain dress, bending and lifting as they select the ripest pumpkins from a small patch overshadowed by a large high-tech greenhouse.
The juxtaposition between old and new brings a nostalgic smile to her lips. (Later, we find she has been living in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.)
2. before: About 40 or so guests sit in a community round table arranged with the celebrity table, flanked by two small square tables, at one end. Their meal over, the guests are shoved back from their plates and listening to the speaker, Dr. Mara Prescott, 48, her figure still stunning in a layered caramel suit that speaks refinement, her blond hair in a sleek bun.
After: About 40 or so guests sit around tables arranged with a rectangular celebrity table closest to the door.
The meal over, guests shove back from their plates to listen to the speaker, Mara Prescott.
3. before: Ariel speeds off, faster than human could ever run. In a moment she disappears into the shadows. Cipher’s gaze lingers on Alexia, something unreadable passing behind those false yet mesmerizing eyes.
after: Ariel speeds off into the shadows. Still whispering, Alexia turns to Cipher.
4. before: Montgomery’s laugh borders on maniacal, a sound that echoes off the walls and fills Alexia with revulsion.
After: Montgomery’s laugh borders on maniacal, a sound that fills Alexia with revulsion.
5.before: The faint hum of machinery from Cipher’s presence fades into the stillness of the night, leaving Alexia alone in the quiet of her refuge, surrounde by the ghosts of what could have been a different life.
after: Cipher’s breathing fades into stillness, leaving Alexia alone in the quiet of her final moments awake.
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