BWTV-AI Module 4 – Lesson 14: Description 6 + 7

[Bob Creager]

Bob Creager Has Amazing Description!

What I learned: This was a great process for clarifying what the reader sees, especially because of the science fiction nature of extraterrestrials mixed in with humans. It also gave me an opportunity to improve the surrounding dialogue. A little more show and less tell.
Examples of improvements:

1. Court martial scene where Leisa’s brother hacks into the courtroom TV. I also moved the action to before Nathan’s dialogue. The dialogue expands on the reveal.

Before: Tears pour from Leisa’s eyes. A massive grin on her face.

After: Tears pour from Leisa’s eyes. A massive grin on her face. He’s alive.

2. Leisa preparing for liberty. The only reason for the addition is to highlight the severe transition in her mood as she learns that the date is off in the dialogue that follows. I also changed the following dialogue to highlight her mood change.

Leisa, a towel wrapped around her body and one around her head, applies makeup. Fancy civilian dress hangs from a nearby rail.

Leisa, a towel wrapped around her body and one around her head, applies makeup. Fancy civilian dress hangs from a nearby rail. It’s date night.

3. A radio message comes of casualties in the rescue team.

The radio silent, all stare at Leisa, her head in her hands.

All stare at Leisa, her head in her hands. It was her fault.

4. Added a little to this description because it is hard to visualize.

The Colonel pulls out a rubbery looking device, drops it on the table. Instead of bouncing, it spreads out into an odd shaped item almost like dropping a pan of mashed potatoes.

The Colonel pulls out a rubbery looking device, drops it on the table. Instead of bouncing, it spreads out into an odd shaped item almost like dropping a pan of mashed potatoes. It forms up like an alien communications device would look.

5. Needed to highlight that one of the kidnappers was an alien.

A live stream by one of the victims shows an oddly dressed kidnapper who singles out Nathan and takes him away. Normal looking Hispanic terrorists take the rest away.

A live stream by one of the victims shows an oddly dressed kidnapper single out Nathan, takes him away. Hispanic terrorists take the rest away. The odd one, an alien.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  Bob Creager.

[Phyllis Strong]

Phyllis has Amazing Description!

I learned from this assignment how to add internal process lines sparingly, and how to use setup/payoff to add reveals in description.

Before: He reaches a bungalow and raps on the door.

After: He reaches a bungalow. Takes a deep, meditative breath, then raps on the door. This sets up the idea what comes next requires him to be calm, then it’s paid off with the frosty reception he receives and the tough negotiation he undergoes.

Before: Rebecca hesitates.

After: Rebecca hesitates, then thinks twice about crossing Older Peter. This internal process line reveals that Older Peter has the power in this, and many, relationships.

Added tag line at end of scene: She’ll hang onto the prestige of being a Senator’s wife until the day she dies. An internal process line that underscores her hurt at Older Mark suggesting a divorce.

Before: The test subjects work out in their now fit host bodies. They’re now all in their mid 30’s.

After: The test subjects work out in their now fit host bodies. They’re now all in their mid 30’s, and push themselves because a camera crew records them for publicity. The reveal shows that the consciousness transfer procedure is intended, at least by Peter, to be a business, that needs publicity.

[Jeff Chase]

Jeffrey Alan Chase Has Amazing Description!
What I learned doing this assignment is how to tighten up my descriptions. There is a world of difference between my early drafts and my latest, polished draft. I think I’m making great progress at making my descriptions more concise and active.
EXAMPLE 1:
OLD: A woman exits the car. Meet CATHERINE SCHAFFER, 35. She kneels over Jonah. Frito appears from the darkness, licks Jonah’s face.
NEW: A woman exits the car. Meet CATHERINE SCHAFFER, 35. She kneels over Jonah. Frito appears, licks the man’s face.

EXAMPLE 2:
OLD: Machine gun bullets SLAM into the building, concrete EXPLODES — glass SHATTERS — SCREAMS from injured people inside —
NEW: Machine gun bullets BLAST a neighboring building, concrete EXPLODES — glass SHATTERS — SCREAMS from people inside.

EXAMPLE 3:
OLD: A long hallway, empty save for a bench next to MENS ROOM. A man sits there in an Army uniform stripped of all insignia. An ugly, recently healed gash graces the man’s forehead. He stares at the floor with vacant eyes. The man is Jonah.
NEW: A long hallway with closed office doors. Lettering on one door reads, “UNITED STATES COURT OF APPEALS”. A man sits on a hallway bench, his Army uniform stripped of all insignia. A large, recently healed scar on his forehead. He stares at the floor with vacant eyes. The man is Jonah.

EXAMPLE 4:
OLD: Music BLARES from various bars. Tourists pack the sidewalks, enjoy the exciting atmosphere of Music City USA. A man with a full beard is swept aimlessly along in the human flow. The nametag on his frayed Army jacket reads, “TAYLOR”. He pushes long hair from his eyes to reveal an ugly old scar. Meet the new Jonah. Just one more unfortunate homeless person.
NEW: Music BLARES from numerous honky-tonks. TOURISTS pack the sidewalks, enjoy the electric atmosphere of Music City USA. A man with full beard is swept along in the human flow. The nametag on his frayed Army jacket reads, “TAYLOR”. He pushes long hair from his eyes, revealing a scar on his forehead. Meet the new Jonah. Just one more deplorable homeless person.

EXAMPLE 5:
OLD: Meet FATHER ZEKE, 40, gentle, friendly — and tortured by a secret act of temptation that severed his connection to God. NEW: Meet FATHER ZEKE, 40, gentle, friendly, tortured by secrets.

[Lenore]

BWTV Module 4 – Lesson 14

Lenore Bechtel has amazing descriptions!

What I learned from this assignment is that even though 90 percent of descriptions should be “Show, don’t tell,” we can add flavor by following an action by an emotion.

Here are some improvements I made by doing so.

Dr. Dan and Joshua have just discussed the doctor’s referral of Timothy, who thinks he’s invisible.

DR. DAN You’ll do this, Joshua.
JOSHUA Without a doubt!
Dr. Dan exits.
Becomes
Dr. Dan exits, hopeful that Joshua can save Timothy from a dismal future.
=========
Timothy has just sat down in one of two recliners in Joshua’s office.
Joshua looks quizzically back and forth between the two chairs.
Becomes
Joshua looks quizzically back and forth between the two chairs, as if he truly can’t see the gaudily dressed guy right in front of him.
=========
Timothy, ready to cry, starts to exit, then heads back toward Joshua’s office.
Becomes
Timothy, ready to cry, starts to exit, then heads back toward Joshua’s office, his posture showing complete surrender.
============
JOSHUA
(having a bright idea)
Several of our fatties have asked for an exercise class.
LILLY
Don’t go there, Joshua. Don’t go there.
JOSHUA
After a weight group would be a perfect time.
LILLY
And risk our reputation by having an unqualified bimbo bumping and grinding!
JOSHUA
Lighten up, Lilly. Let me be right this time.
LILLY
THIS time?
Joshua rises. Exits to the reception room.
Joshua rises. Exits to the reception room.
Becomes
Joshua rises. Exits to the reception room, exuding a determined demeanor.
==========
LILLY
Don’t thank me, Sally. Thank Joshua who–
JOSHUA
–knows you’ll be as impressive as a graceful ballerina.
SALLY
(moving closer to Joshua)
Ready to arabesque at your command.
Vicki gasps. Lilly puts hands in prayer position and looks up with a weepy frown.
Dr. Dan enters.
Dr. Dan enters
Becomes
Dr. Dan enters, his aura reeking of mirthful expectation.
==========
Dr. Dan sits in a recliner. Joshua sits at his desk.
Becomes
Dr. Dan sits in a recliner. Eagerly leans forward. Joshua sits at his desk. Pretends sadness.
==========
The above are just a few of the changes I made. Using the action/internal process and description reveals is easy, and I intend to continue looking for possible spots to do so throughout the entire pilot.

[Art Blum]

I learned to spend more time setting the atmosphere and tone of Hermes and clarifying the characters.
Before: MARIA, 60, a weathered-faced Hispanic woman straightens the T-shirt of slight 14-year-old RYAN GORDON. Her head askew at the ferocious wolf emblazoned on his shirt.

After: MARIA, 60, her face etched with the lines of a life filled with struggle and sacrifice, gently tugs at the T-shirt of…

RYAN GORDON, 14, a scrawny boy with haunted eyes that seem to carry the weight of the world. As she straightens the fabric, her gaze lingers on the ferocious, snarling wolf emblazoned on his shirt. The contrast between the boy’s slight frame and the fierce creature on his chits hints at the duality of his nature.
I added subtext. Maria shows concern about Ryan. I added subtext. The snarling wolf on his shirt hints at Ryan’s dual nature.

Before: Fat, sloppy SETH ROEMER, 48, chomps a Popsicle as he drives. Cigarette butts and beer cans litter the floor.

After: SETH ROEMER, 48, a man whose one-imposing frame has been ravaged by years of self-neglect slouches behind the wheel of his car, a half-eaten Popsicle dangling from his lips. A wasteland of cigarette butts and beer cans litter the car floor.
I made Seth unique. I gave him more characteristics.

Before: Dr. Blaine paces up and down rows of cubicles. In the cubicles are KIDS, all wearing white jump suits, all in trances. They’re all drawing alien landscapes, alien technology, alien beings, and some kind of symbols.

Drawings fill the walls.

Dr. Blaine picks up the symbols kids are drawing. She dashes out of the room.

After: Dr. Blaine paces the confines of a small, windowless room. Her eyes, sharp and calculating scan the room.

The walls, floor and ceiling are a blinding white, creating a claustrophobic, almost clinical atmosphere, Up and down rows of cubicles. In the cubicles sit KIDS, all wearing white jump suits, all in trances.

They’re all drawing alien landscapes, alien technology, alien beings, and some kind of symbols.

Drawings fill the walls.

Dr. Blaine picks up the symbols the kids are drawing. She dashes out of the room.
I worked on creating the world, setting the tone.

[Denice Lewis]

Denice Has Amazing Description
What I learned from this assignment is how much better it is to isolate the different processes in each draft. These steps allow the specific direction to take while adding the emotion and it’s fun. I have a lot of single sentence descriptions that are hard to find solutions for. Working on it.
1. Before: Limo passes indistinct industrial buildings in the fog.
After: Limo creeps behind ghost-like cars, past industrial buildings, indistinct in the
clammy gloom.
2. Before: She nervously removes her hand. The claw marks are gone.
After: She removes her quivering hand. The claw marks have vanished. What is happening to me?
3. Before: She gasps. Her eyes narrow.
After: She grabs her stomach, loneliness and betrayal coiling in her eyes.
4. Before: Blake watches her go. Every step she takes, sparks shoot out of the bottom of her shoes.
After: He marches after her. Inhales sharply. Sparks of light shoot from her shoes with every angry step she takes. She’s my successor?
5. Before: An ominous SHADOW materializes over Emerson.
After: An ominous SHADOW materializes over Emerson, covering him in a whirlwind
of silent wraiths.

[Sunil Pappu]

Sunil Pappu Has Amazing Description!

“What I learned doing this assignment is… to break the rules of show don’t tell sparingly using action/internal process and also to create description reveals.”

Examples of using the descriptive skills chart:

Action / Internal process:

… makes a few quick turns, relieved she’s lost her tail for now… heads onto a desolate street…

flings the backpack in anger.

takes the couch holding her book to her chest… afraid to close her eyes.

The whole class GASPS… Radhika chuckles, thrilled…

the heavy raindrops matching the heaviness inside her heart…

Demand / Reveal:

… a government seal on the door… Priya sneaks in using the key under the flower pot…

flings the backpack in anger.

notices a tear in the backpack… discovers a secret compartment…pulls out an old book with a strange symbol on the cover…

Surprise/Reveal:
Lina hesitates over a specific file – ELDER JOHN.
An old photograph falls out – Lina with Priya’s father.
Lina hurriedly drops the contents in the fireplace… replaces them with bogus papers… changes the name on the sleeve…
… lights a match… watches the photo eaten by the flames.

Contrast / Reveal:
Priya weaves through the back alleys of Mumbai on a motorcycle… through jam-packed streets with festive revelers in the pouring rain.. tries to lose a motorcyclist tracking her. A festival mascot is in her face… sticks a tracker under the front wheel – he’s an undercover RAW agent!

Demand / Reveal:
Mandeep watches Priya get off her bike…
He spots a grainy image of a figure watching her.
… enhances the grainy image… rewinds the tape a few times to confirm – until there is no doubt in his mind, it’s Sofia.
MANDEEP SINGH
(to himself)
I’m such an idiot…
Arjun walks in… Mandeep finishes erasing the tape.

Surprise / Reveal
RAW agents track a safe house on their surveillance monitors.
The phone rings…
RAW AGENT # 2
[… Yes… who is this?]
RAGHAV
(into the phone, voice simulator )
This is not a drill… you have 60 seconds… then boom! CLICK!
RAW agents watch the monitors as a safe house gets blown up.
Two figures escape (Arjun and Priya) while the RAW agents scramble to safety…

Contrast / Reveal
Priya’s past comes to her in flashes…
… recalls a heated fight between her father and a woman…
YOUNG PRIYA
Muqin (Mother)…
… can’t recall the woman’s face… helps her solve bizarre puzzles… looks like a younger Lina.
She finds a familiar half-symbol on the wall behind the bookshelf… runs her fingers around the grove. Pushes the half pendant in her necklace to match the grove in the wall GEARS CRUNCH… OPENING a secret room!
Priya enters…
… sees a huge symbol on the wall… same one as the ledger.

Surprise / Reveal
A mystery woman watches on big screen: Priya exits the BSE vault and kisses her half-pendant – the video freezes.
The woman reveals the other half of the pendant… holds it up to mirror that on the screen… does the same motions with her half-pendant as Priya does… before kissing it.
MYSTERY WOMAN
(softly)
Fille cherie…
A heart monitor beeps in the background… the woman turns to a hospital bed in the corner… on a ventilator… Appa… still alive!

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  Sunil Pappu.
• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  Sunil Pappu.
• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  Sunil Pappu.

[Margaret]

Margaret Has Amazing Description!
What I learned: I have kept from describing internal feelings but I learned they can be a useful tool.
Examples of changes made:
Before: JACK (20’s), a history enthusiast, and his girlfriend, ELIZA (20’s) a woman whose never silently thinks, lean against the stone wall encircling the Masada ruins.

After: JACK (20’s), a history enthusiast, and his think-aloud girlfriend, ELIZA (20’s), lean against the stone wall encircling the Masada ruins.

Before: Eliza takes her foot, turns Jack over.
After: Eliza turns Jack over with her foot.

Before: Jack gets up, pats away the dust from his clothes
After: Jack gets up, pats away the dust from his clothes, frustration masked with anger at Eliza’s denial.
Before: Jack’s father tosses the prophet’s mantle at Jack.
After: Jack’s father tosses the prophet’s mantle at Jack, irritated by his drama.

Before: Jack strolls down the sidewalk, dials a number on his phone. Eliza’s picture flashes up, call immediately drops. He redials three times as he walks, same thing happens. Jack slaps the phone several times to “fix” it.
After: Jack strolls down the sidewalk, dials a number on his phone. Eliza’s picture flashes up, call immediately drops. He redials three times as he walks, same thing happens. Jack slaps the phone several times to “fix” it. Would she really block his calls?
Before: Once again, Jack searches on his phone.
After: Once again, Jack searches on his phone. Feeling desperate.
Before: Imara glares at Jack
After: Imara glares at Jack, determined not to be attracted to him.

[Jerry Robbins]

Jerry Robbins has amazing description. What I learned doing this assignment is: how to add internal process lines sparingly, and using action/reaction in the form of action/emotion-thinking-state of mind-or internal process. Also, reveals are essentially setup-payoffs in several formats: demand, contrast, intrigue, pain / reveal. There are also two types of reveals – new info reveals, and deeper meaning reveals. Both can happen in the same scene. Again, there is no Description Chart to use.
–examples–
1. pain reveal – Jeremy uses this in describing himself and the special problem he has with relating to other people (he possibly has the same or like symptoms of the person whose brain cells were used to create him).
IRIS
Can I ask where you lived before?
JEREMY
Uh, sure you can ask. I can even tell you – New York! Yup, the place with taller buildings than here. New York. My, uh, owner taught me what I know. Who I thought was my Mom… well, she finally spilled the secret under the influence. Turns out, they couldn’t afford to adopt, but since I was a bit… flawed, I was a bargain-bin special.
Iris eyes him skeptically, with a hint of pity.
IRIS
No fond childhood memories, then?
JEREMY
Oh, tons! They downloaded a whole package of kiddy memories. Felt pretty darn real, until the warranty expired.
IRIS
The memories were about as genuine as this rock? I know the feeling.
Jeremy leans in conspiratorially.
JEREMY
And Iris… I have this little glitch, see? Communication ain’t my forte, even for a robob. They’d have sent me to the scrapyard for sure, but someone stepped in – a guy named Moreno
2. action/internal processes – these will have to be revealed by looks and actions of the actors):
Mara’s composure falters for a split second, a flicker of surprise in her eyes. Vince’s interest piques.
3. action/thinking or state-of-mind; this is also an intriguing reveal of what part of Montgomery’s new model will look like.
To her astonishment, she sees these new creations are all distinctly feminine, each bearing an eerie resemblance to a silhouette that is hauntingly familiar – herself!
She halts in alarm.
ALEXIA
Why are they all women?
A cold realization dawns on her even as she watches Cipher’s impassive scrutiny of the robotic counterparts.
4. action/ emotion, state-of-mind,( Alexia feels intimidated and fears if she shakes his hand, he will know how nervous she is.)
VINCE
Ms. Black. A pleasure, though we nearly met under unfortunate circumstances.
He offers her his hand. Alexia takes a seat, her gaze lingering on Vince’s hand as Mara offers her a drink.
MARA
Can I interest you in a beverage? Coffee, perhaps?
ALEXIA
No, thanks. I came here for answers, not refreshments.
5. action/emotion: (The only way we have of knowing the people’s thoughts are by their expressions, clapping, or other ways of showing feeling.)
Cheers erupt. The stakes are higher, the danger more palpable. The protestors see Finn as not just a leader but the embodiment of their shared aspirations.