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BWTV-AI Module 4 – Lesson 9: Dialogue 3 – 5
Post your assignments here
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11 Replies
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Phyllis’ Dialogue 3-5
I learned from this assignment that I can brainstorm any line, but also that some improved lines led me to rewrite and improve entire scenes.
A. Setup/Payoff
Original Line 1: Older Suzanne: Except I couldn’t save your father and then I wasn’t there for you and your sisters.
Improved Line 1: Older Suzanne: We both know that’s not true. Your father, you and your sisters. I wasn’t there for any of you.
Original Line 2: Mark: Peter, you know I’ve always had your back when it comes to government regulation.
Improved Line 2: Setup: Mark: Peter, with everything going on, we’ve gotta talk about regulation.
Payoff: Peter: If you go down this path, I’ll be forced to do everything in my power to keep you from the Senate.
B. Anticipatory Dialogue
Original Line 1: Older Diana: C’mon, you know me better than that.
Improved Line 1: Older Diana: That day will never come.
Original Line 2: Peter: That’s why you’re here. I need you back in the Senate.
Improved Line 2: Peter: It’s just rumblings right now. Let Congress twist in the wind until you’re back.
C. Ironic Dialogue
Original Line 1: Older Mark: That’s not it. I’m trying to bring a lifetime of experience back to the Senate.
Improved Line 1: Older Mark: Give me a little credit. It’s not my fault you have to be young to run for Senate these days.
Original Line 2: Brenda: I wish you could hear yourself.
Improved Line 2: Brenda: Just think, you’ll finally be the same age as the girls I’ve spent a lifetime ignoring.
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Sunil Pappu’s Dialogue 4 – 6
“What I learned doing this assignment is…to use setup /payoff, anticipatory dialogue and ironic dialogue.”
Examples of lines where I used all three dialogue skills.
SETUP/PAYOFF:
BEFORE:
ARJUN NAIR
Oh, and you already know what I’m not. While I have had my tangle with the RAW as a former agent myself… we cannot trust them with our mission… So what is that and why are you here… let’s get you up to speed…
ARJUN NAIR
You are aware of the unregulated financial market controlled by the Hawala… they can be very useful if you want to send money to your mother from a foreign country… or set up a new business without the hassles of paperwork… or they can even fund a terror attack in the capital… RAW has been hunting them for decades… with little success… we know who the players are but we can’t bring any charges… their business runs on word of mouth so they’re not big on paper trails… that’s a problem for the courts and law enforcement…
AFTER:
ARJUN NAIR
Oh, and you already know what I’m not. While I have had my tangle with RAW as a former agent… we cannot trust them with our mission.
PRIYA RAO
What’s that? Kidnapping students posing as a professor?
ARJUN NAIR
I’m sorry about that Priya… I saw how you think… we need you…
PRIYA RAO
For what? I’m just a student…
ARJUN NAIR
You are aware of the unregulated financial market controlled by the Hawala… they can be very useful if you want to send money to your mother from a foreign country… or set up a new business without the hassles of paperwork… or they can even fund a terror attack in the capital… RAW has been hunting them for decades… with little success… we know who the players are but we can’t bring any charges… their business runs on word of mouth so they’re not big on paper trails… that’s a problem for the courts and law enforcement… but recently we found this…
BEFORE:
PRIYA RAO
Your flow charts are fascinating…
LINA
Oh, honey, I’ve been at this game a long time… god knows I want to bring these bastards down…
PRIYA RAO
How long…
LINA
Oh honey, I would need my own confession box for atonement… that’s how long…
PRIYA RAO
I like you… you’re not like the others…
LINA
Neither are you, honey.
AFTER:
PRIYA RAO
Wow, these models are fascinating. How long have you been working on them?
LINA
Oh, honey, I’ve been at this game a long time… god knows I want to bring these bastards down…
PRIYA RAO
You really believe in this…
LINA
Oh honey, this is my atonement…
PRIYA RAO
… you’re not like the others…
LINA
Neither are you, honey.
ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE:
BEFORE:
INT. BATHROOM – DAY
Priya is in a bathroom stall when she hears voices.
SOFIA PETROVNA (O.S.)
Are we alone?
She pulls herself onto the seat when Meera checks to see if the stalls are empty.
MEERA
Yup.
Priya closes her eyes and visualises as she overhears a cryptic conversation between two team members (Meera & Sofia).
SOFIA PETROVNA (O.S.)
Are you positive…
MEERA (V.O.)
We have a deal…
SOFIA PETROVNA (O.S.)
You can trust me…
MEERA (O.S.)
That’s the thing… I don’t.
SOFIA PETROVNA (O.S.)
MAD then… mutually assured destruction…
MEERA (O.S.)
That’ll work…
SOFIA PETROVNA (O.S.)
Just a word of advice… you need to let go, babe… there are always other fish in the sea…
MEERA (O.S.)
You worry about you, yeah…
A toilet roll drops and they stop talking to investigate.
Meera kicks open the stall door and finds it empty.
SOFIA PETROVNA
Come on…
They leave in a hurry.
Priya drops onto the floor her arms hurting from balancing in the air spread eagle against the walls.
AFTER:
INT. BATHROOM – DAY
Priya is in a bathroom stall when she hears voices.
SOFIA PETROVNA (O.S.)
Are we alone?
She pulls herself onto the seat when Meera checks to see if the stalls are empty.
MEERA
Yup.
Priya closes her eyes and visualises as she overhears a cryptic conversation between two team members (Meera & Sofia).
SOFIA PETROVNA (O.S.)
Are you sure about this…
MEERA (O.S.)
Do we have a deal, babe?
SOFIA PETROVNA (O.S.)
You can trust me…
MEERA (O.S.)
That’s the thing… I don’t.
SOFIA PETROVNA (O.S.)
MAD then… mutually assured destruction…
MEERA (O.S.)
That’ll work…
SOFIA PETROVNA (O.S.)
some unsolicited advice… you need to get out there… always other fish in the pond or whatever…
MEERA (O.S.)
Don’t you worry about me, babe…
A toilet roll drops and they stop talking to investigate.
Meera kicks open the stall door and finds it empty.
SOFIA PETROVNA
Come on…
They leave in a hurry.
Priya drops onto the floor her arms hurting from balancing in the air spread eagle against the walls.
IRONIC DIALOGUE:
BEFORE:
INT. HAWALA HEADQUARTERS – DAY
RAGHAV (AKA The Hyena), the charismatic leader of the Hawala Network in his late 30s, is in the middle of his peculiar ritual…
RAGHAV
Come on… hurry up… the markets open soon…
Hawala operative shakily pens down the names on a ledger…
HAWALA OPERATIVE
That’s the last one boss… Please… I won’t tell…
Harsh moves to open the vault…
RAGHAV
leave it… let’s go…
Harsh lays down a blue tarp in front of the Hawala operative… Raghav pulls out a pistol…
HAWALA OPERATIVE
Boss… please… don’t…
Raghav checks the stock market opening digits and resets the code to his vault to match the digits.
He casually pulls the trigger… BANG!
RAGHAV
Another great morning!
Harsh wraps the Hawala operative and carries the body away…
AFTER:
INT. HAWALA HEADQUARTERS – DAY
RAGHAV (AKA The Hyena), the charismatic leader of the Hawala Network in his late 30s, is in the middle of his peculiar ritual…
RAGHAV
Come on… time up… the markets open soon…
Hawala operative shakily pens down the names on a ledger…
HAWALA OPERATIVE
(begging)
… last one boss… please… I won’t tell…
Harsh moves to open the vault…
RAGHAV
No. Leave that…
Harsh lays down a blue tarp in front of the Hawala operative…
Raghav pulls out a pistol… places it before an altar… prays with his folded arms… lights incense…
Raghav checks the stock market opening digits on the TV screen and resets the code to his vault to match the digits.
HAWALA OPERATIVE
Boss… please… don’t…
RAGHAV
This will be another glorious beginning!
… pulls the trigger… BANG! Blood gushes on the floor…
RAGHAV
Great morning!
Harsh wraps the Hawala operative and carries the body away…
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Bob Creager’s Dialogue 4 – 6
What I learned: While doing this lesson, I did what we learned in the call for the next lesson. I went line-by-line and examined each line of dialogue to see if it was a candidate for one of the dialogue techniques. Amazing how many opportunities for improvement.
Two Examples of Each:
A. Setup / Payoff
i. Originally, this was an Act 1 setup without a payout. I added the payout. This is in the scene with a Marine who faltered in the Confidence Course.
Leisa — This is nothing, Jonesee. You think this is hard, try dragging a bleeding Marine through a kill zone.
Changed to
Leisa — This is nothing, Jonesee. You think this is hard, try dragging a broken teammate half-way through a kill box.
Then I rewrote an Act 4 scene where Leisa must climb up a tree, bandage the Master Chief, and drag him through the woods to reconnect with her team.
ii.
B. Anticipatory Dialogue
i. Early scene establishing Leisa’s leadership capabilities: Frederick fell from the Wall Climb during a challenge. The other Marine element pulls ahead.
Leisa — We’re not out of this, Corporal. Just a sprain, you’ll be A-Okay.
Changed to:
Leisa — We’re not, you’re not, out of this, Corporal Frederick. Next thing you know, you’ll be making out with a bottle of beer.
ii. The following Nescaster dialogue was rewritten to include anticipatory dialogue.
NEWSCASTER
This incident has reignited a heated debate across both sides of the aisle in Congress, with the majority claiming to have foreseen this tragic outcome. One can only hope that this won’t devolve into the familiar cycle of partisan finger-pointing that has become increasingly common.
C. Ironic Dialogue
The following are two examples from the same scene:
i. Words opposite words example:
Original
LEISA
I let you boys down.
FREDERICK
Don’t worry, Doc. You’ll get a chance to prove yourself.
LEISA
If I don’t get everybody killed.
New version
LEISA
I let you boys down.
FREDERICK
You’ve been carrying our asses the whole time.
ii. Words opposite action example:
Original
FREDERICK
You coming Hunter?
Shakes her head.
LEISA
You know I’m fucked. Captain wouldn’t let me go on a mission to pick up pizza. I think I’ll just get drunk.
FREDERICK
Need a wingman?
LEISA
Nah. I’ll uber it.
New version:
FREDERICK
You coming Hunter?
Shakes her head.
LEISA
You know I’m fucked. Captain wouldn’t let me go on a mission to pick up pizza. I’ll just get drunk.
Leisa pours herself a soda. (added action)
FREDERICKNeed a wingman?
LEISA
Nah. I’ll uber it.
Not included here is the following scene where she was hung over, now she’s just tired from staying up all night.
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BWTV Module 4—Lesson 9 Dialogue 3-5
Lenore Bechtel’s Dialogue 4-6
What I learned from this assignment: These three new dialogue improvement techniques are fun to work with and bring very improved dialogue.
But most of all, I’d like to eliminate my shyness and feel free to… to be around men.
Became
But most of all, I’d like to quit being Emily Dickinson and start being Lady Gaga without having to sing.
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TIMOTHY
(scrunching into himself)
I used to be invisible.
MAUDIE
That’s too bad.
Joshua gives Maudie a come-on motion, wanting more.
MAUDIE
(straightening her shoulders)
Cause you’re such a good-looking guy.
became
“Cause you’re as handsome as Leonardo DiCaprio, or Tom Hardy, or Jake Gyllenhaal rolled into one.”
Timothy almost folds himself to the floor.
JOSHUA
Okay, Maudie. Tell Timothy what you used to be.
MAUDIE
I used to be fat and shy.
Joshua straightens Timothy up.
JOSHUA
Can you believe she was fat?
TIMOTHY
(to Maudie)
You’re not fat now.
Timothy looks for Joshua’s approval, but Joshua gives him only a come-on motion.
TIMOTHY
You remind me of…. Lady Gaga. (Was previously “You’re a very pretty woman.”
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SHAY
That’s nonsense. I’ve seen you at work. You’re a good worker.
Became
That’s nonsense. I’ve seen you at work. You hustle like a real grind guru.
These changes are the only ones I found to make with this run-through, but while I was perusing the whole script, I found examples I’d already written with which I unknowingly used setup/payoff and anticipatory techniques. Couldn’t find any places where I thought irony would be appropriate.
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Denice’s Dialogue 3-5
What I learned from doing this assignment is that I have this kind of dialogue in my pilot, but I didn’t know it or didn’t do it consciously, or I did in previous lessons. I need to go through the whole script to see how to add more of these dialogue skills where they’re missing. I noticed I have a lot of setups that don’t payoff until later in the pilot or the series. Since this is a fantasy, I realize I have a lot of description and action, even though it’s not in blocks.SCENE 1. BEFORE
INT. HALL – DAYMAYA
Remember your promise?
BLAKE
Of course. I’m warning you. Your life will change once
you know what I do. You won’t be able to tell anyone.
MAYA
You can trust me. If I was homeschooled, I could go with you.
He ruffles her hair.
BLAKE
You need to associate with kids your own age.
MAYA
I don’t need them. Only you. You’re spending more and more time away.AFTER
INT. HALL – DAYMAYA
Remember your promise? SET UP, ANTICIPATORY
BLAKE
Of course. Your life will change once you know what I do
and you won’t be able to tell anyone. ANTICIPATORY WARNING
MAYA
You can trust me, Daddy. IRONY, SHE’S JUST STOLEN MONEY FROM HIS DESK. If I was homeschooled from now on, I could go with you on all your trips.
BLAKE
You need to do things with other teenagers.
MAYA
How? You won’t let me go to parties. IRONIC
(imitating his voice)
I don’t want you associating with rich kids who
have access to alcohol, drugs, and parties with
no adult supervision.
BLAKE
A father needs to protect his daughter. SETUP, ANTICIPATORY
MAYA
You’re never home. IRONIC I need you, not a bunch of snobby friends.SCENE 2. BEFORE & AFTER, DIDN’T CHANGE THE SCENE
BLAKE
Tell me about your dream.
SOPHIA
You and Maya are in danger. SETUP, ANTICIPATORY
BLAKE
I’ve made sure we’re safe here. Nothing can find us unless I want it to. ANTICIPATORY, WHY THE WORD, IT?
SOPHIA
Are you prepared if something happens at work? ANTICIPATORY, SETUP BLAKE
I’m not going to stop trying to save Lysandra. SETUP
SOPHIA
Let her go. She doesn’t remember she’s your wife. PAYOFF
BLAKE
She’s Maya’s mother. I have to try. SETUP, ANTICIPATORY
SOPHIA
Why? You’ve never told Maya. IRONIC IN REGARD TO BLAKE, MAYA’S LIESBLAKE
I have hope. ANTICIPATORY
She grabs his arm.
SOPHIA
I won’t lose you like I did your father. I can’t. PAYOFF, SETUP, ANTICIPATORYBlake takes a folder from a desk.
BLAKE
If it ever comes to that, here are copies of all my papers. Finances, stocks, your guardianship of Maya. Carrie and Walter are taken care of. There’s also a letter for Maya, if something happens to me. Here’s the remote, in case. IRONIC – WORDS OPPOSITE ACTION, ANTICIPATORY, SETUP -
I learned or had reinforced that dialogue can serve more than one purpose at the same time.
1. Setup/Payoff
Visual: St. Christopher medallion.
Before:
SETH
I’m giving you something special with your piece, Ryan. I’m sending you my strongest angel. If Nickel’s or me can’t be there, he’ll be there.
After:
SETH
This may look like a scrap of tin but this piece is special. It comes with my strongest angel. If Nickels or I can’t be there, he’ll always be there.
The St. Christopher medallion is introduced early on as an important artifact and serves as a setup, and the payoff comes later when Ryan uses the medallion to communicate with Teddy and helps him locate people for Hermes. I tried to increase the intrigue.
2. Anticipatory dialogue:
Before: It’s almost over for us, Star. But not for you. You can fight back.
After: I built the moment and gave Star a goal.
TEDDY
I’m here, Star Rover. Along with the other lost ones. It’s almost over for us, Star.
STAR ROVER
No, Teddy, please.
TEDDY
But not for you. You’ve got to fight back. Those people you help find for Hermes…Listen, kid. They kill them.
Brief flashes of all the bodies Star located for Hermes. Star’s jaw drops.
STAR ROVER
I won’t help them anymore.
TEDDY
Be tough. Don’t let them push you around. Star, we have to go now.
STAR ROVER
No, Teddy, wait.
3. Irony:
I added irony in my after example. Despite denying his abilities, Ryan proceeds to share a vision with Indigo by touching her hand.
Before:
INDIGO
What was that all about?
RYAN
Don’t know what you’re talking about.
INDIGO
Yes, you do. I saw you down there. You saw something.
RYAN
I don’t see things.
INDIGO
You look like you’ve seen a ghost.
RYAN
I think maybe you’re seeing something in me that’s just not there.
After
RYAN
I don’t see things.
INDIGO
Over here.
She leads Ryan to a stairway away from student traffic.
RYAN
I think maybe you’re seeing something in me that’s just not there.
INDIGO
Show me.
RYAN
Don’t know what you’re talking about.
They lock eyes. Seconds pass. Ryan thinks for a beat.
RYAN
Okay.
They interlace their hands, raise them above their heads and touch foreheads. They close their eyes.
INDIGO’S VISION:
EXT. FIRE STATION – NIGHT
Holding hands, her MOTHER walks 5-year old Indigo to a fire station. The mother leans down and kisses her.
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Patrick’s Dialogue 4 – 6
I understood better to start a scene with a setup and end it with a payoff. Also, have a better understanding of using irony.
3. SETUP / PAYOFF
Situation: Lucinda has learned that a northerner is planning on searching for the lost Confederate gold. Clark has just informed her of his grave financial problems.
The setup is Lucinda’s first sentence: “This is one of the gold coins your grandfather found?”
She hopes to convince Clark to search for the gold.
The payoff is Clark’s final line: “Get all the information you can on this New Yorker. Find out everything he knows.” Implies he will search for the gold.
INT. CLARK’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – DAY
Clark sits on the couch as Lucinda picks up the encased 1860 gold coin.
LUCINDA
This is one of the gold coins your grandfather found?
CLARK
Yeah. He found another one as well.
LUCINDA
It’s beautiful. Do you think there are more out there?
CLARK
If you believe the stories there’s lots more golden treasures.
LUCINDA
They’re not just stories. You know as well as anyone that the Confederates moved a huge gold shipment through this area.
She puts the coin back on the bureau and sits.
LUCINDA
There’s a man from New York. He’s been at the County office inquiring about the gold.
Clark’s interest perks up.
LUCINDA
I know you and your family have been interested in looking for that gold and now – –
CLARK
It’s also cost my family big time. It’s what they call on those cop shows a cold case.
LUCINDA
I’d hate to see some outsider make the discovery.
CLARK
As far as I’m concerned it’s what those cop shows a “cold case.”
LUCINDA
He sounds very serious and seems to be backed by a lot of money.
Clark gets up.
LUCINDA
You could honor your grandfather by finding it.
Clark picks up the gold coin.
LUCINDA
You don’t want to hurt Tammy, ruin the wedding and…
She watches Clark stare at the coin. He sees his grandfather’s face on the coin.
LUCINDA
Clark?
He looks up.
CLARK
Get all the information you can on this New Yorker. Find out everything he knows.
Lucinda smiles.
4. ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE
Situation: Lucinda works for the County. She recently rejected a development by Henry Henderson. In this scene I added Lucinda telling her sister she anticipates repercussions.
EXT. APALACHICOLA MARINA – DAY
A small marina with a couple dozen yachts, sail boats, and a few small fishing vessels. A short channel connects it with the Gulf of Mexico. Dressed in athletic gear, Lucinda and Tammy jog along the marina’s edge.
LUCINDA
This morning air feels so good. Sweet.
TAMMY
You should try this more often. Help you clear all the stress of work. Sure, helps me.
LUCINDA
But your job is working out.
TAMMY
(chuckles)
Glad to hear you worked things out with that land developer.
LUCINDA
Henderson is just another money hungry soulless bastard. It wasn’t easy but we killed his proposal.
TAMMY
Any blow back?
LUCINDA
Oh, there’s bound to be some repercussions.
I then created the following scene that is a warning to Lucinda and also payoff to the former scene.
INT. GULF COUNTY BUILDING LUCINDA’S OFFICE – DAY
Lucinda types at her computer keyboard. She hears a commotion in outer office.
SECRETARY (O.S.)
She’s rather busy. She’s about to go into a meeting.
MAN (O.S.)
Damn her meeting. She hasn’t returned my calls.
HENRY
Who the hell do you think you are stopping my development?
LUCINDA
Calm down Mr. Henderson. We studied your proposal and – –
HENRY
You dissected it. Tore it to shreds A plan I invested tens of thousands of dollars to create. You —
LUCINDA
It didn’t meet our assessment so —
HENRY
That land is just sitting there so some hick beekeepers can fill a few bottles of honey.
LUCINDA
Honey production is a major source of income for the county.
HENRY
Like you know anything about economics. You just blew millions.
Lucinda stand up behind her desk.
LUCINDA
Mr. Henderson, I need you to leave. The decision is final.
HENRY
Looking at you it’s apparent the rumors that your family are write-offs aren’t just rumors.
LUCINDA
Please get out.
Henry pounds her desk and heads to the door. A security guard steps in the doorway.
SECURITY GUARD
Sir.
The guard indicates the door. Henry glares at him and turns back toward Lucinda.
HENRY
You’ve made a horrible mistake. I can’t see you surviving here.
The security guard grabs Henry’s arm and forces him out. The secretary steps in.
SECRETARY
I’ve never seen anything like that. Are you okay?
Lucinda breathes heavily.
5. IRONIC DIALOGUE
Example 1
Situation: Lucinda and David argue over her decision to reject Henderson’s proposal.
The original scene without irony.
INT. GULF COUNTY BUILDING – DAVE’S OFFICE – DAY
DAVE
Lucinda, do you recognize the value you’ve cost the county? Millions.
LUCINDA
Dave, you’re aware there are three apiarists in that area.
She jabs her finger on the map.
LUCINDA
Three apiarists and dozens of tupelo trees in the nearby cypress swamps.
DAVE
Yeah, but- –
LUCINDA
That gets bulldozed and we lose millions of bees and potentially millions in honey.
Dave grunts.
LUCINDA
Our famous tupelo honey.
DAVE
Henderson is going to take his project somewhere else.
LUCINDA
I could care less.
Revised scene with Ironic dialogue. David commends Lucinda for always supporting Gulf County, then accuses her of taking Henderson’s project to Franklin County.
INT. GULF COUNTY BUILDING – DAVE’S OFFICE – DAY
DAVE
Lucinda, do you not recognize the value you’ve cost the county? Millions.
LUCINDA
Dave, you are aware there are four apiarists in that area.
She jabs her finger on the map.
LUCINDA
Four apiarists and dozens of tupelo trees in the nearby cypress swamps.
DAVE
Yes, but- –
LUCINDA
If that gets bulldozed we lose millions of bees and potentially millions in honey.
Dave grunts.
LUCINDA
Our famous tupelo honey.
DAVE
You’ve always supported the interests of Gulf County. I won’t be surprised if Henderson takes his project somewhere else like… like Apalachicola, Franklin County.
He pounds his fist on the desk.
DAVE
That’s it. You’ve made a deal to move the development to Franklin County.
She laughs sarcastically.
LUCINDA
You got to be insane thinking like that.
EXAMPLE 2
Situation: Clark has arrived at a surprise welcome home party.
Original scene.
INT. GIBSON INN – PARLOR BAR – NIGHT
LUCINDA
I think the man of the hour should say a few words.
CLARK
Wow, man, this is something else. Totally unexpected. It’s not my birthday, nor my wedding, yet.
Revised scene with irony.
INT. GIBSON INN – PARLOR BAR – NIGHT
LUCINDA
I think the man of the hour should say a few words. What am I saying? He’s a man of many words.
TAMMY
Loquacious is what he is.
OLLIE
It’s almost impossible to shut him up.
Ollie stands with his wife CLARE and four-year-old daughter PRESLEY.
CLARK
Wow, man, this is something else. Totally unexpected. It’s not my birthday, nor my wedding, yet.
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Margaret’s Dialogue 4-6
What I learned: Keep a copy of what you previously wrote so you can refer to it when sharing your homework. LOL
I went through and changed scenes 1, 3, 8, 9, 10, 11, and 23 to change dialogue to meet the set up/pay off, anticipatory, and ironic standards. Unfortunately, I didn’t keep the “before” version so I can’t share it here.
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Jeffrey Alan Chase’s Dialogue 3 – 5
What I learned doing this assignment is that this dialogue exercise, like the others, elevates my dialogue and my script. Several dialogue changes also led to scene changes and improvements.
Old Setup/Payoff:
GINO
Okay, so you got blown up, your brain ain’t the same, can’t remember stuff, you got PTSD and you’re homeless…
Noah nods to himself in agreement.
GINO (CONT’D)
And feeling sorry for yourself.
(off Noah’s look)
Well you are…I just want you to pray for me. Maybe it’ll help.
NOAH
(defeated sigh)
From what you say, no way you can get into the police database files.
GINO
Maybe. Maybe not.
New Setup/Payoff:
GINO
Yeah, you’ve had it rough. Got blown up, the ol’ brain ain’t the same, can’t remember stuff, dealing with PTSD, you’re homeless and…
Jonah nods along in agreement.
GINO (CONT’D)
Maybe you can take some of that energy you’re wasting on feeling sorry for yourself and pray for me, help me do what I gotta do!
He hits a nerve. But Jonah shakes his head, still won’t cave.
JONAH
From what you say, no way you can get into the police database files.
GINO
But Jesus might be able to.
GINO
Yeah, you’ve had it rough. Got blown up, the ol’ brain ain’t the same, can’t remember stuff, dealing with PTSD, you’re homeless and…
Jonah nods along in agreement.
GINO (CONT’D)
Maybe you can take some of that energy you’re wasting on feeling sorry for yourself and pray for me, help me do what I gotta do!
He hits a nerve. But Jonah shakes his head, still won’t cave.
JONAH
From what you say, no way you can get into the police database files.
GINO
(big smile)
But Jesus might be able to.EXT. COUNTRY TWO LANE ROAD – NIGHT
Middle of nowhere. Noah trudges along, hands in pockets. No traffic, no need to put a thumb out. He talks to himself.
NOAH
So, the plan is…Yeah, I need a plan. And a goal. Something to look forward to.
Uncomfortable, he shifts the backpack on his shoulders.
NOAH (CONT’D)
And there’s no way I’m on some frigging mission from God.
New Anticipatory:
EXT. COUNTRY TWO LANE ROAD – NIGHT
Middle of nowhere. Jonah trudges along, hands in pockets. No traffic, no need to put his thumb out. He mutters to himself.
JONAH
Yeah, I need a plan. And a goal. Something to look forward to. Float down my river…And what then?
Old Irony:
JUDY
Thank you, Noah. You’ve given me a reason to…I know I can go on.
NOAH
Hey, it wasn’t me. I only —
JUDY
– It was you. And God.
She stands. He rises.
NOAH
I just couldn’t sit back and…
She gently lays a hand on his lips.
JUDY
You have a gift. Use it.
She walks away.
NOAH
Where will you go?
She turns.
JUDY
Father Zeke’s. He likes stories. And I have a good one for him.
NOAH
I’ll pray for you.
Judy beams.
Noah looks stunned — why did I say that?
He gazes at the backpack — at the dumpster.
NOAH (CONT’D)
What just happened here?
New Irony: (protag’s name has been changed.)
Suddenly uncomfortable, Jonah’s brow furrows in thought.
JONAH
I suppose.
JUDY
I never asked your name.
JONAH
Uh, Larry. Larry Taylor.
He flicks the name tag on the ratty Army jacket.
JUDY
I’m Judy. You’ve given me a lot to think about.
JONAH
Hey, it wasn’t me. I only —
JUDY
– It was you. And God.
She looks at her cross, stands. He joins her.
JONAH
I just couldn’t sit back and…
She gently lays a hand on his lips.
JUDY
You have a gift. Use it.
JONAH
…Where will you go?
JUDY
Father Zeke’s. He likes a good story. And I have a whopper.
JONAH
Enjoy your life. I’ll pray for you.
Judy beams. She turns, walks away.
Jonah puts a hand to his mouth. Did I just say that?
-
Barbe’s Dialogue 4 – 6
What I learned doing this assignment is line by line the script improves.
Setup / Payoff
There are a number of setup/payoff instances in the script, but they are pages apart. I’ll provide just the set-up lines and payoff lines.
Setup:
A’LYX: I saw you arrive on the Explorer.
KELLAN: Brand new.
A’LYX: Is that the one with the NMG attitude control with the ADC stabilizer?
KELLAN: Best there is.
Payoff:
As Dr. Asher navigates to a lower orbit the controls do not respond.
ILYANA: We’re spiraling.
KELLAN: The controls are frozen.
ILYANA: Eject?
KELLAN: Too late.
The shuttle starts to veer out of control. The shuttle crashes.
Anticipatory Dialogue
In this example the change really heightened the mystery of what comes next.
Before:
NOREN: I'd like to pay you back. Is there anything I can do.
A'LYX: I could use a ride to Cryos.
NOREN: Cryos?
A'LYX: I have business there.
After:
NOREN: I'd like to pay you back. Is there anything I can do.
A'LYX: I'm always on the move.
NOREN: Can you use a ride somewhere?
A'LYX: I'm headed to Cryos.
NOREN: Cryos? That barren, impoverished planet. Can't be much of interest there.
A'LYX: You'd be surprised.
Ironic Dialogue
These examples provided an opportunity for not only irony but for subtext. A’Lyx is a very dangerous guy.
Before:
A’LYX: Hello Dr. Darrow.
After:
A’LYX: Hello Dr. Darrow. It’s a pleasure. A’Lyx shoots Dr. Darrow a deadly look. (He will go on to kill her by the end of the episode.)
Before:
Suddenly Jez hisses. Nika looks up. A'Lyx stands next to her.
NIKA: Jez! Manners.
Nika picks up Jez.
NIKA: Sorry. Bad girl, Jez. Excuse me.
Nika retreats with Jez.
After:
Suddenly Jez hisses. Nika looks up. A'Lyx stands next to her.
NIKA: Jez! Manners.
Nika picks up Jez.
A'Lyx pets Jez suggestively around the neck.
A'LYX: I’m sure we’ll get to be good friends.
Nika eyes A’Lyx and pulls Jez closer.
NIKA: We’ve all had a long day. Excuse me.
Nika retreats with Jez. -
Jerry Robbins Dialogue 3-5
What I learned doing this assignment is tht using setup/payoffs make for great improvementsin yur writing and put more interes and involvement into your writing. Anticipatory dialogue and ironic dialogue also help to increase the value of the dialogue.
–Setup / Payoff changes–
1. JEREMY (cocky): Hay! Jeremy Pitts. I’m 21. You guys ready to start a revolution, or what?
Cipher eyes him skeptically.
CIPHER: Welcome aboard. Just… try to keep it legal from here on out, alright? Now, hand over your winnings an the other ‘goods’ you took. Empty your pockets.
Changed to:
JEREMY: Hey! Jeremy Pitts. You guys ready
to start a revolution or what?
CIPHER: How old are you, Jeremy?
JEREMY: I didn’t realize there as an age
requirement to create havoc!
For a second, Cipher’s peaceful demeanor almost cracks.
CIPHER: Alright, Jeremy, welcome to the
team. Let’s keep things legit, right? Fork over your winnings and
any, uh, souvenirs you picked up.
2. INT. POLICE DEPT. NIGHT
DAWSON: Alexia Black. Not local. What brings you to our fair city?
ALEXIA: I was offered a job, so I’m here to take it.
DAWSON: A job what kind of work has you wandering about into crime scenes?
ALEXIA: I am a researcher.
DAWSON: So, poking around is your thing?
ALEXIA: I seem to be pretty good at it, otherwise I wouldn’t have gotten this job.
DAWSON: Why were you in that aley? What could you possibly have been researching?
Changged to:
DAWSN: Alexia Black. Lancaster, Pennsylvania. What brings you to our fair city?
ALEXIA: I was offered a job at Reinhardt Detective Agency.
DAWSON: So what are you investigating?
ALEXIA: I’m a researcher.
He leans back from the cold metal table, a smirk forming on his lips.
DAWSON: So, poking around in people’s business is your thing?
ALEXIA: I seem to be pretty good at it. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have gotten
this job.
Her eyes focus steadily on his.
DAWSON: So you’re a researcher, huh?
(Leaning back)
Interesting line of work. What kind of research brings you here?
ALEXIA: I’m just settling in. Who was this guy?
–Anticipatory Dialogue —
1. INT. MEETING ROOM -DAY
Mara prepares the meeting room with an aid, Ava.
MARA: The speaker needs to see the door. Opposite is where Doctors Montgomer and Moreno will be seated. Centerpieces are Robinia blossoms, to honor the company. Any questions?
AVA: No, ma’am.
Changes made: (deleted it and replaced with)
INT: MONTGOMERY’S LAB
MONTGOMERY: Mara! Surprise, surprise!
MARA: I wanted to make sure you didn’t
forget the banquet tonight.
MONTGOMERY: Alexia will be there – how could I
forget?
MARA; Vince just informed me that the
demonstration’s starting downtown.
MONTGOMERY: If he does his job right, we’ll be
in business.
MARA: He will. He always follows orders,
no questions asked.
MONTGOMERY: So Luka spoke to Alexia?
MARA: Yes. She’s arriving this afternoon.
2. There was no conversation in the first draft.
Added/ changed:
Montgomery’s expression darkens.
34.
MONTGOMERY: Those secrets could get a lot of
people killed.
(Sighs heavily)
The MiroTech executives wanted me
dead. I let them track me and the
robots into the desert. Your dad
and Mara escaped with the formulas
and the codes. What information I
got later was from them.
Montgomery pauses, looking up at Gabe.
MONTGOMERY: The executives at MiraTech did
some terrible things.
GABE: Like murdering Mara’s parents?
MONTGOMERY: They shouldn’t be underestimated.
— Irony–
1. IRIS: The public has to know what is going on. The demonstrators were all peaceful.
changed to:
IRIS:
(continues broadcast)
That’s right! The public has to
know – it’s not the police, not
the robobs that are the problem –
it’s the company, Robinia, that
has sent its own security goons
here to interfere with a lawful demonstration:
2. IRIS: Can I ask where you lived before?
JEREMY: Sure. New York. My dad, I mean, my owner, taught me the things I know. The one I thought was
my Mom finally got drunk and told me about how they couldn’t afford or qualify to adopt, but since I haad a few defects, they bought me cheap.
changed to:
IRIS: Can I ask where you lived before?
JEREMY: Uh, sure you can ask. I can even
tell you – New York! Yup, the
place with taller buildings than
here. New York. My, uh, owner
taught me what I know. Who I
thought was my Mom… well, she
finally spilled the secret under
the influence. Turns out, they
couldn’t afford to adopt, but
since I was a bit… flawed, I was
a bargain-bin special.
Iris eyes him skeptically, with a hint of pity
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