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Day 1 Assignment
Post Your Day 1 Assignment Here
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34 Replies
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Hi, Cheryl,
I’ve written my logline and One Pager but for the life of me I can’t find the path to Forums. I know, “Forums” is staring me in the face but I can’t get through to the actual page where I should post. What’s the trick?
Onward,
Elizabeth
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Hi<font size=”5″> Elizabeth,</font>
<font size=”5″>I would be glad to partner with you. I’ve been writing for 30 years and have published two Christian novels. I am also very technically challenged and hope that this goes straight back to you and not to the moderator:) Let me know if you receive it. Thanks.</font>
<font size=”5″>Jackie</font>
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Hi Elizabeth, Did you ever figure out how to post your log line and one page overview?
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What I learned is that what I thought of as “re-writing” was really editing.
Jackie Macgirvin – Thanks For The Memories
LOG LINE: A 29-year-old, soured on
marriage by his parents’ divorce, struggles to cope when both parents end up
convalescing at his home. The father, with amnesia, doesn’t remember having a
son or ex-wife. The angry ex-wife schemes to get her ex-husband out of the
house on “mental issues.” A vivacious physical therapist challenges the son’s
vow to never fall in love.SYNOPSIS: Jacob (29) soured on love by his parents’ divorce when he was young, brings his father, Howard, (58) whom he hasn’t seen in decades, home to recover from amnesia caused by a head injury. Howard has no memory of marriage, a son, or of having fought in Vietnam.
The next day, Jacob’s overbearing mother Evelyn, (58) arrives demanding to convalesce there until her leg heals. She is still seething at Howard for the divorce and schemes to get him removed from Jacob’s house for “mental health” reasons. Howard has an unusual attraction toward Evelyn. Heather, (28) a single, visiting physical therapist arrives to care for Howard and Evelyn and gets off on the wrong foot with Jacob.
Through flashbacks we learn that during his marriage Howard drank because of undiagnosed PTSD, which contributed to their divorce; however, he has never stopped loving Evelyn, who re-married shortly after the divorce for financial stability. When Evelyn’s second husband died, Howard intended to pursue her, but was injured and lost his memory.
Howard sets about renovating Jacob’s house and yard. Unbeknownst to Howard he is reproducing projects he did for Evelyn when they were first married – planting her favorite flowers and trees, building a gazebo, etc. Howard paints a mural of a husband, wife and son, also unaware he’s designing their previous life as a family together. Evelyn remains unmoved.
Evelyn feeds Howard cinnamon causing an allergic reaction. When the PT pulls off his shirt Evelyn sees the scars on Howard’s back from a high school swimming accident when he shielded her from the blades of a pontoon boat. Over the scars and on his arms are tattoos of Evelyn Forever, etc. Evelyn knows the only thing Howard is afraid of is needles, and ends up feeling ashamed. Howard’s continued kindnesses start slowly diminishing her animosity toward him.
Jacob visits Howard’s house to borrow some tools — it’s a time-capsule with all their original possessions. There are also letters to Evelyn explaining that Howard left in shame, not because he stopped loving her. Jacob brings Evelyn to Howard’s house. Evelyn’s heart is changed and she sets out to get Howard to propose.
Unfortunately, Howard overhears Evelyn speaking of her previous marriage for money and assumes she’s talking about him, so he runs away and Jacob and Evelyn search for several days before he is found.
Jacob still protects his heart from love until Heather is hospitalized after a car accident and he understands the depths of his feelings for her.
The two couples are getting married in Jacob’s back yard on a dock over the pond when the two family dogs accidentally knock Evelyn in the water. Howard dives in and saves her, and in doing so he flashes back to his high school water rescue of Evelyn and his memory is restored. There, treading water with Evelyn in his arms, he shrieks in delight calling out his former pet name for her – My Pookie Bear!
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I learned that rewriting is different from wordsmithing, which I already knew, but it’s powerfully useful to be reminded of it.
Title: Loving Liberty
Genre: Comedy
Logline:
When the Statue of Liberty comes to life as a normal woman to stop her exploitation by an anti-immigration campaign, a refugee sculptor struggles to help her prevail as she confronts deportation, a mental ward, Homeland Security, as well as being human. Most challenging, they fall in love.
One pager:
When Idris immigrated to the US as a child and passed the magnificent Statue of Liberty, he knew then he’d become a sculptor. Now several decades later and a professional sculptor, Idris has misplaced his ideals and fails to see the irony in working for a cynical senator’s anti-immigration campaign that exploits the Statue of Liberty. The irony, however, is not lost on her; it’s the last straw.
On a stormy night, the Statue of Liberty miraculously creaks and groans to life, assumes human size, and strides into Manhattan, armed only with her convictions, to end her exploitation. Liberty has only several days to stop the campaign and restore balance before she must return to her pedestal.
Idris meets Liberty and is smitten by her likeness to the statue, but no one else believes that this principled woman is the missing icon. Thanks to her idealism, Idris realizes he must help her stop the campaign, but neither expected Liberty to revel in her newly found humanity and then in her newly found womanhood.
And neither expected that they would fall in love.
But Idris must somehow save Liberty from being locked up as an illegal alien (she has no papers), institutionalized for being crazy (she insists she’s the statue), and busted by Homeland Security, which believes she’s a terrorist who stole the Statue of Liberty.
Idris rediscovers his ideals and Liberty learns what’s it’s like to fall in love. Though both are conflicted, they manage to win over the senator, outwit her pursuers with the help of stalwart New Yorkers, and return her to her pedestal as keeper of the flame.
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I love this! This is the show and stories I want to watch, and topics I cared about. I feel hooked! The one page reads clear to me.
Obviously, I have such little experiences compared to everyone here, so what do I know… the only thing with the logline, was it wasn’t super clear who the protagonist is. I think it’s the sculptor Idris, but when I read “help her prevail as she confronts deportation, a mental ward, Homeland Security, as well as being human”, it feels like the objective, obstacles, and struggles are hers, and he is here to help her to achieve her goal.
Again, what do I know 😛 Curious to hear from other brilliant minds!
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Thank you, Bernice. Your point about who’s the protagonist is well taken and one I’ve wrestled with in the past. I’ve come to realize that the protagonist has to be Idris. It’s his life’s applecart that’s upset when Liberty arrives. He’ll then realize just how much his life is out of balance and he must help Liberty to restore that balance for himself, for her, and for the nation. I originally titled the story “Liberty” but changed it to “Loving Liberty” to help give a sense that she’s not the protagonist.
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Phew, I was nervous to give a pro feedback! But I really love your idea and the story and couldn’t help 😉 Thank you for writing back!
That makes a lot of sense! In that case, I wonder if his goal (restoring the balance for him and the nation) and his obstacles (I’m not quite sure, what are his struggles? sounds like her struggles are his struggles?) can be highlighted more in the logline? “Help her prevail as she” sounds a bit reactive and passive for the protagonist. Again, if you are already thinking of it, feel free to ignore this 🙂
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Alfred Travis Logline and One Page!
“What I learned doing this Assignment is…?” I learned how to think about the logline and one page.
Title: Believe in Me
Logline #1(note: This is the logline I wrote for my screenplay that won favorable coverage of “Consider,” i.e., the analyst at We Screenplay did not tell me to rewrite my logline!): A man explores memory loss and faith.
Logline#2: A man discovers he has memory loss and seeks to recover his memory through the reconciliation of his faith.
One Page:
A pastor, KENNY, remembers, BO, a disability patient, and Bo realizes he has memory loss, not only of his friendship with Pastor Kenny, but his faith and music compositions as well. Bo undertakes a project to analyze his found music compositions, and is helped by his neighbor, KATE, a beautiful woman in her 50s who like Bo is schizophrenic. She’s a Juilliard trained pianist.
When Bo learns he was robbed in 1984 of his music compositions he seeks to find the robber, KAREN, a girl he dated in college.
Under the weight of Karen’s revelation that Bo did her wrong, Bo suffers a heart attack. Bo recovers and is observed in the Psychiatry ward and comes to now being able to confess his sins at Sacrament of Reconciliation.
Following penance Bo performs his music composition, “The Making Of…” at the Chapel of Saint Thomas Aquinas and reconciles with Karen.
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Dorothea log line and one page
What I learned: Crafting the log line for you story is like finding its soul, it’s reason for being.
Title: Once in a Blood Moon
Genre: Historical Fiction
Log Line: <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; color: rgb(77, 92, 109);”>1807<i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; color: rgb(77, 92, 109);”>: The African American heiress of a prosperous plantation flees for her life when her mother dies and her father is murdered by racists eager to seize her estate.
One Page: Based on Once in a Blood Moon, the novel by the same title,<i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; color: rgb(77, 92, 109);”> this screenplay, is inspired by the true story of the author’s ancestor.
Heaven Hill plantation, upriver from Georgetown, South Carolina, 1807: Sixteen-year-old Alexandra de Gambia, spoiled daughter of a wealthy African-American planter and a social climbing mother, balances on the tightrope between girlhood and the complicated adult world where one misstep can forever ruin a young woman’s prospects. Her dream is to find her own niche and become to an accomplished musician. She will have a chance to impress her first public audience when she plays her violin in the Christmas Concert to be held in her white cousin’s famous recital parlor located on the grounds of Pinnacles Plantation.
Alexandra’s world of privilege devolves into a nightmare when her father is murdered and her mother dies. Alexandra and her brother Jimi are the only heirs to the vast estate of Heaven’s Hill. If they come to an unfortunate end, the plantation will become the property of power-hungry men eager to seize the plantation for their own.
Fearing for her own life, Alexandra hides and watches as her brother is captured and locked in a blacksmith’s shop. She’s about to help her brother when the shop is set on fire. She passes out as her little brother burns to death.
Alexandra escapes from Heaven’s Hill only to be caught by slave catchers who sell her to Rose of Sharon Plantation. The kindly, but impotent, planter who purchased her suffers a stroke and becomes incapacitated. Alexandra struggles to find a niche under the watchful eye of his mentally deranged wife.
While living in the slave quarters, Alexandra befriends John Fowler, a ten-year-old, white indentured servant who is being worked to death by the overseer of the plantation. Alexandra risks her life to help John Fowler escape; he reminds her of the brother she couldn’t save.
After Alexandra takes John to people who will help him to travel the 100 miles to his home in North Carolina, she’s given the opportunity to go to France to study music. Instead, she decides to teach African American children about the courage of their ancestors who brought knowledge of how to grow rice to South Carolina which provided the wealth that helped to create the United States of America. She also teaches them how to play the violin.
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Hi Dorothea,
Wow. What a powerful story. Knowing that this is based on a true story, I’m feeling the emotions in my heart as I read the plot points. I also really love the fact your protagonist is from a prosperous African-American family, has the privilege, confidence, which we don’t get to see on the screen, I absolutely love that. She grabs my attention right away and I want to go on this journey with her.
Reading the logline, what I got is that the problem is “her mother dies and her father is murdered by racists eager to seize her estate” and her goal is “flees for her life”. But reading the One Page feels her goal is actually saving John. What do you think?
This is what I got for the central conflict. External is all the obstacles to stop her escape and danger that could take her life. Internal is the loss of family, dignity, and how to gain it back. Let me know if that’s your intention?
The only thing that is a bit confusing to me on the story plots – at what point that she is saving John instead of trying to escape herself? I thought she was sold and enslaved, but how did she get in a position to save John? Or are they both trying to escape together?
Let me know if that helps. I am so excited about your story. I would love to see it come to life on the silver screen.
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What I learned is that re-writing is what I’ve been doing but doing badly with no methodology.
Christina Parker – TV Series Pilot PLAGUED
LOGLINE: When 14yro Connor
finds a mysterious Egyptian box he unknowingly unleashes the Biblical ten
plagues of Egypt on the town. Now Connor and his friends have to come against
two bumbling criminals and their evil boss to stop the plagues before the last
plague, “death of the first-born.”SYNOPSIS: In 1890, while digging in Egypt an archaeologist finds a ceremonial box called a Naos that he knows will bring him a fortune in America. His Egyptian servant says is not so sure. Fast forward to present-day Creede Colorado where four teenagers begin summer vacation. Connor 14, and his friends Baxter, an insecure genius and Danny a Christian geek explore an old abandoned mine. Connor falls through a shaft and finds the Egyptian box that contains ten figurines representing each Biblical plague of Egypt.
Back in 1890, and the archaeologist and his servant arrive in Creede, Colorado with the box. The servant warns the archaeologist of the danger of the box but he dismisses it. He is about to meet a man who can make a deal for the box but before he does the servant takes the box and hides it and with this action, he loses his life as a result.
Opening the box has now set the curse in motion and the plagues are unleashed on the town. The town’s water supply turns to blood, the Creede river also turns to blood and the next day a plague of frogs takes over the streets. We are introduced to Jak, a goth girl who has daddy issues. Her father, Steve the local pastor has lost his faith when his wife died two years ago. Jak gets in with the boy’s group and they decide Connor should put the box and figurines back in the mine to stop the plagues. Connor lives with his mother who has a gem shop and brother Eli, 8. Connor doesn’t want to believe the freakish events have anything to do with the box. He wants to get enough money to leave Creede and one day fly airplanes. The box is his golden ticket so he lies to his friends about putting the box back in the mine and instead tries to sell it to an antique dealer.
Enter two hapless criminals new in town Tub and Gazza. They overhear how valuable the box is and plan to steal it for their boss, the odious Mr. Fabien. So, when Connor comes back to the antique dealers they change places with the dealer and scam the box out of Connor. Connor realizes he’s has been duped and runs after Tub and Gazza, dodging frogs along the way. Tub and Gazza get in their van creating a traffic jam with frogs jumping on windscreens and causing mayhem. This is where Connor seizes his chance and stows away in the van.
Tub and Gazza go to an abandoned house on the outskirts of town to make plans on what to do next. Gazza doesn’t want Mr. Fabien to have the box, he wants to retire and break free from Fabien’s evil grip, while Tub just doesn’t want to be killed. Connor sneaks into the house but his phone goes off, (His friends are trying to contact him) and the criminals are searching the house. Connor leaps down a trapdoor but hits his head leaving him unconscious.
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What I learned: refocus on what my vision is from logline and one page.
Title: The Girl with the Red Scarf
Logline: A girl prodigy of China’s one-child policy pursues a triumph in the most important exam of her life, but must sacrifice and betray her first love under the pressure of her school and family.
One Page
A girl born during 1980s China’s one-child policy, Binbin is determined to prove to her traditional grandpa that girls are better than boys. After ranking at the top of all her exams and winning every single school competition, she enters as the city’s No. 1 into the high school that is famously known for its high rate of college acceptance and stern discipline.
In China, the three years of high school are to prepare the students for the most important exam of their lives – “Gaokao”, the college entrance exam, which is extremely high-stakes and on which students’ entire future depends. A score that doesn’t meet the line means staying in high school for another year at best, and suicide, at worst. Binbin’s high school earned its reputation by enforcing strict rules, including inhumanely long study hours, uniformed hairstyles, and absolutely no dating.
With high expectations from her family and the teacher, Binbin holds her place as a prodigy. Until just one year from the “Gaokao” exam, Binbin falls in love with a boy. Once caught by the teacher, Binbin and her first love are shamed publicly repeatedly as bad examples and become the laughing stock of her class. Devastated and lonely, Binbin finds herself getting closer to her best friend, who is faking cancer in order to earn her sympathy and manipulate her love.
Just two months before the “Gaokao” exam, tension escalates between the two boys. When they get into a bloody fight that calls all the parents to a meeting, Binbin leans her best friend never had cancer. Everything is a lie. Her world collapses. But there is no time for emotions, Binbin must pull herself together and study for her life, even if it means shutting out the boy she loves and cares about. If she doesn’t earn back her triumph in this exam, she will be forever considered a failure.
Binbin knows the only way is to drop out of the school where she is mocked on a daily basis, but that is a bold and shocking decision that receives strong objections from her teacher. Binbin has to open up completely to her mom, who supports her decision and fights with the teacher to make it happen. Despite a tremendous amount of pressure, with her mom’s moral support, Binbin comes through the finish line and gets into the most prestigious university in China.
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This reply was modified 4 years ago by Bernice Ye Ye.
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Bernice, first of all, I love your title and story idea, which is at the same time universal because young people in all societies come to a crossroads where they must make a choice that will influence the course of their lives. And, it is also specific to the paradigm shift in China where the old way of conducting life is to honor tradition and family, and the new way of life is to make individual choices to express individuality. I, for one, love to learn about cultures with which I have little familiarity.
Your logline is intriguing, it seems to me that the heart of the girl’s dilemma is what choice to make. The way I interpret it as written, is that she is pressured by family and society, but isn’t the choice still up to her?
Your story is full of intriguing action. The only thing I was confused about was the roles the friend and the boyfriend played in the girl’s life.
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Hi Dorothea,
Thank you so much for your kind words and for taking the time to write concrete and constructive feedback! Super helpful!
The boyfriend (JUN) is her first love and also her first taste of the forbidden fruit. She was the teacher’s pet all along until she is the troubled child and the laughing stock. She doesn’t believe she did anything wrong and can still succeed in her exam, but the teacher and the rest of the society don’t believe so and put so much pressure on her that actually made her grades fall behind.
The friend (Dai) basically brought her into a love triangle. He is the only one she grasps onto when feeling helpless and we see how vulnerable she is through the things he is able to manipulate her into. He is also the one who ultimately crashes her world when she feels deeply betrayed by his lies.
Let me know if that helps or confuses further more. I agree it’s a bit convoluted right now so that’s why your feedback is so helpful. I forgot to mention in the logline that is also inspired by a true story, like yours.
Thanks again and let me jump on reading your assignment 1!!
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Hello Bernice,
I really like the title which feels very much as though I was going to watch an art film.
Your writing is clear in your intent of what the story is about. I have been involved with human rights for Falun Gong so I appreciate your focus. The story felt very heavy. It needs to be told. It reminded of the award winning film Water. Also very heavy watching. The only suggestion I would have is to find some moments of joy. This is a dark time in world history, everyone is fed up, some are in despair. Any happiness in a dark story is appreciated. Yours could be an award winner. ps maybe revisit what is back story and what is the actual story/action. best of luck..also I think the deadlines are elastic not pedantic with Hal.
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Hi Anna, thank you so much for the feedback! Sorry it took me so long, I thought I pressed “Post!”. I just looked up the trailer of “Water” and I see what you mean. I’ve been thinking of your feedback as I create my beat sheets and finding moments of happiness and light, and that was very helpful. Thank you so much!
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This reply was modified 4 years ago by
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SciFi/Horror: SOUL TRAFFICKER
Logline: After his partner gets abducted by a dating app, a bad ass cop chases her into a medieval world where soul craving doppelgängers challenge every step of his surreal rescue mission.
One Page:
When string of mysterious abductions is theorized to be of extraterrestrial origin, Detective Jake Karr refuses to believe it. But when Detective Harper Poole, his partner on and off the job, goes undercover behind his back, Jake chases her to a violent medieval world of soul craving Reptilian doppelgängers.
Without intel and weapons, Jake is forced to rely on ATHENA, Harper’s doppelgänger, on a mission to bring down CRONUS, the intergalactic soul trafficker. Jake flounders in the medieval world and his distrust of Athena make him a thorn in her side.
Meanwhile, unbeknownst to Jake and undisclosed by Athena, Harper is playing first lady to the most notorious man in the Universe, who just happens to be Jake’s sinister doppelgänger. Harper adapts well in the hostile environment and gains Cronus’ trust.
Jake’s emotional attachment to rescuing Harper fueled by his hot headed nature cause nothing but problems for Athena as they fight their way way through the surreal world where souls are a commodity. Jake is aghast to learn souls, which are kept in tiny bottles, are inhaled for unscrupulous activities.
Jake disobeys orders and gets them caught in a trap where he winds up face to face with his criminal twin who desperately needs his soul. Jake loses his cool and compromises Harper’s cover before Athena breaks them out. Jake finally begins to listen to Athena but the damage is done.
With an irresistible bounty on Jakes soul, he and Athena are forced into hiding. Athena coerces him to inhale a soul, and she takes him on an intimate journey to discover his true feelings for Harper and establishes some trust. But before Athena can finally tell Jake what the real deal is, they are forced on the run and finally taken into custody and separated.
Cronus, who now suspects Harper is involved with the cops, forces a soul up her nostril and takes her on a violent journey into the depths of his horrific psyche. Harper manages to dissuade Cronus’ distrust and they proceed on their mission: Auction the earth girls at the Gates of the Universe.
When the cops screw up a chance to catch Cronus and save Harper, Jake breaks away and sets out on his own. Not only does he almost get himself stripped of his soul, but he blows Harper’s cover once and for all. Athena, now a fugitive of the law, comes to the rescue and saves Jake.
Cronus beats Harper and inhales the souls of the other hostages to punish her for her betrayal as they race to the Gates of the Universe.
Jake, now resolved to listen to Athena, joins her in a mission to intercept Cronus before he reaches the Gates of the Universe and becomes the first man to transcend as evil. The catch: Jake must learn to love himself and whole heartedly bequest his soul to Cronus, the only hope for him to be with Harper, again.
Jake and Cronus come face to face in the final showdown, and Jake nearly ends Cronus’ existence but finally realizes he does love and forgive himself. He bequests his soul to Cronus and they merge into one being and Transcend with Harper/Athena by his side.
Jake and Harper, together in Andromeda, the party capitol of the Universe, are on an endless honeymoon. Unfortunately, the honeymoon comes to an end when they get their latest assignment as Agents of Andromeda and must go to work fighting evil.
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PJ I enjoyed reading your logline and one pager. Soul Trafficker is very interesting and takes you on a journey.
The only advise that I would give so far is less is more when it comes to the One Pager. Try to brush over beginning, middle and end without giving to much.
Show your protagonist figuratively being an Orphan (what makes them unique), Wanderer (trying to find answers), Warrior (fighting to resolve central question) and finally a Martyr (willing to lose it all to win in the end).
I hope this advise helps out. I’m looking forward to you review on my logline and one pager. I find it hard to following my own advise sometimes and sometimes I feel I may be giving too less on my synopsis.
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Rewrite Assignment 1: The Forgotten Ornament (Animated film)
Aleta Rafton’s Log Line and One Page
What I learned in this assignment is how to write a log line and compress the story just to the main elements.
Log Line: Hank, a 35 year old timid computer specialist nerd, after becoming a stepdad to a young boy who hates him changes to the confident heroic man he always wanted to be in the process of winning over the boy.
Basic Plot
Hank is taking ornaments off the Christmas Tree
Julie and Hank are going to New Year’s Eve Costume Party dressed as Indiana Jones and his female sidekick
Julie gets called to work at news station to cover story of lion on loose in NYC.
Hank mistakenly throws out Jack’s favorite ornament, a firetruck, one his real dad gave him that they were working on to repair and make it personal before he died
Hank is determined to find the ornament forgotten on the Christmas tree he threw out for the garbage truck pickup
Hank breaks out of his comfort zone to the extreme to recover the ornament. They go on a wild adventure to recover the firetruck ornament. Capture lion and retrieve firetruck from top of New Year’s Eve Ball at One Time Square
Hank takes chances, breaks laws and does things he’s only fantasized about even risking his life to recover the firetruck and make Jack happy.
Hank recovers the firetruck and becomes a hero to Jack
Jack sees how unfair he has been to Hank, lets down the wall he’s put up between himself
Julie covers story of lion being captured in container and a man swinging in the air near the New Year’s Eve Ball never knowing the mystery people involved are Hank and Jack
Hank and Jack return home. They swear to secrecy knowing Julie would be really upset with them if she knew the truth
Julie arrives later and never knows they were the news story
Jack invites Hank to help him finish project of repairing the firetruck that he started with his dad
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I love this! I can already see it in my mind.
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What I’ve learned is wordsmithing is only 10% of the re-writing process.
Title:
Hank The Nature Guy
Logline:
A deserted nature guy with animal senses bonds with a wolf and nosy camp kids to take down an animal-smuggling ring.
One Page Synopsis:
Hank feels worthless after losing his family in a water accident. He chooses to live guarded and isolated deep within the forest away from meddling forest rangers trying to kick him out.
The bite from an eerie wolf gives him unreal senses. He adapts to a new look on life and learns how to care again while making friends with nosy camp kids and hiding a secret crush on their camp counselor.
Hank uselessly vows to protect the crazy camp kids while meeting wild and wacky animal friends along the way. He puts himself in danger after numerous failed attempts of trying to protect them.
In a last ditch effort he must over come his biggest fear, save his love crush and take down an illegal animal smuggling ring or risk losing it all.
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A deserted nature guy with animal senses bonds with a wolf and nosy camp kids to take down an animal-smuggling ring.
The logline is good, i can see a movie here!
One Page Synopsis:
Hank feels worthless after losing his family in a water accident. He chooses to live guarded and isolated deep within the forest away from meddling forest rangers trying to kick him out. [good first act setup and inciting incident]
The bite from an eerie wolf gives him unreal senses. [1st act turning point is good, however in the log line you said bonds with the wolf? I like the bite concept.] He adapts to a new look on life and learns how to care again while making friends with nosy camp kids and hiding a secret crush on their camp counselor. [this is good, escalating conflict and experiencing a new outlook on life]
Hank uselessly vows to protect the crazy camp kids [protect them from what? is this the midpoint and change in direction. I think it could be expanded to include animal smuggling ring mentioned in the log line] while meeting wild and wacky animal friends along the way. He puts himself in danger after numerous failed attempts of trying to protect them. [here i think maybe you can weave the danger as escalating conflict throughout the one page? Just a suggestion.]
In a last ditch effort [what caused this? what is the darkest moment in his journey?] he must over come his biggest fear [which is?], save his love crush and take down an illegal animal smuggling ring or risk losing it all. [what is he losing here? What are the stakes? Why will he lose his love crush if he doesn’t stop the smugglers?]
Overall it is a good concept and I’m looking forward to seeing it progress.
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Thanks PJ I appreciate your comments and suggestions. I will put them to good use.
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OLD BUFFALO HOSPITAL EPISODE 1
Genres Adventure/ROMANCE
LOGLINE
A city girl and single mother is laid of from her social work job. Desperate to provide for her son and herself she fearfully takes a job in a Yukon bush hospital. The job is far beyond her skill level. Forging alliances in the village,she saves the community from a a drug dealing doctor, finds romance and engages in indigenous cultural practices to help her cope with extreme life change.
OLD BUFFALO HOSPITAL SYNOPSIS
SARAH WARWICK a social work employee is laid off from her failing non profit job where she works with senior citizens. She is a single mother to ELI a five year old boy.
Financially strapped she has to find work quickly.SARAH is offered a job far away from her city life and friends,in a Yukon bush hospital serving the indigenous community. She reluctantly agrees to go north with her son.
As SARAH arrives at the edge of the bush community,CODY a very good looking Aboriginal man,appears just in time to save her life from a dangerous herd of buffalo. CODY pursues SARAH as a romantic interest.
SARAH is out of her depth with no experience working in a very different cultural environment, experiencing hard social issues.
She is shocked by the level of addiction in the village and is quickly drawn into uncovering a drug ring with a powerful leader the Chief of Medical staff, Dr. Teddy Sulaman a Nigerian emigre. One of the junior doctors PAUL MURPHY, becomes SARAH’S romantic interest.
In order to survive and thrive in the new and strange environment,SARAH embraces various practices such as the sweat lodge,and quickly makes friends with people who help her through a mire of crime and cover-ups. She is invited into a select group of people who meet in secret, to deal with Dr. Sulaman. There is a ‘mole’ in the group who is a distributor for Dr. Sulaman. He almost destroys their efforts to have Dr. Sulaman arrested. One of the group JEREMIAH is a successful local farmer, he also pursues SARAH.
As a single mother, SARAH has to create understanding of their life changes to ELI. She is worried about the dangers he is exposed to. ELI seems to take everything in stride, interested in wildlife and eating moose stew. Threats to their safety leave SARAH no choice, she puts ELI on a plane back home to stay with his father while SARAH concludes finding proof of DR SULAMAN’S crimes. A shoot out between the local police, hospital workers Dr. Sulaman and SARAH. kills off DR SULAMAN, leaving behind his drug network,able to resurface like a many headed monster.
SARAH is very conflicted about staying in the community to help her new friends. She still has financial problems and is concerned for ELI’s safety. Her romance with Dr.PAUL MURPHY becomes intimate. SARAH is experiencing PTSD as a result of the shoot out and decides to take leave. Her intention is to go to Hornby Island where she will spend time recovering with her son and decide what to do.
In process of leaving, she discovers that the farmer, JEREMIAH, is one of the drug dealers. He dies (in his own) small plane crash while pursuing SARAH to Hornby Island.
CODY tries to follow her out to the island. His efforts are blocked by a massive herd of Buffalo on the bush road. PAUL MURPHY manages to track her down. The episode fades out with a romantic scene on the beach;however the question of will SARAH return to OLD BUFFALO HOSPITAL remains unknown
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Hi Anna! Thank you for partnering up with me!
Here is the feedback I have based on the Hal’s model from Day 1 supplement on logline and one page:
Logline:
it feels a bit long, may I ask which formula you are using? Maybe you can then apply it and see what it looks like? It might help to clarify and shorten the logline. Right now I’m not too clear what her problem/obstacles are, there seems to have multiple. Is she trying to succeed in her job but she doesn’t have the skill? Is she trying to save the community by exposing the drug ring? Then what’s her obstacle? Or is she trying to fit in but has culture shock?
One Page:
following Hal’s tip 1.b “Cut characters that aren’t essential to the basic plot. If possible, protagonist versus antagonist.”, feels like some of the romantic interest characters are getting too much detail. Maybe it can be simplified as something like multiple suitors/love triangle – I’m not using the right words, but wondering if there are ways to give the high-level ideal without introducing non-essential characters. The romantic interests part becomes a bit hard for me to follow, and I’m not sure if that’s the core of your story.
Hope it’s somewhat helpful… let me know if anything isn’t clear and if you have any questions! Great job!!!
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What I have learned: is that my old way of rewriting was a nightmare. This rewrite system is a huge improvement.
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Lesson learned in this assignment: It helped me realize the importance of knowing my story. Hopefully the succeeding assignments will help me focus on bringing how I can bring my vision to life with exciting, effective, and entertaining scenes.
TITLE: Lemongrass
GENRE: Drama/Adventure
LOGLINE: When a burnt out immigrant, tired of the daily hassle of living in American, decided to take his family for a visit to his homeland and possibly stay for good turned to a nightmare, caused by the same plague of society, he decided to go back to America, but first he has to rescue his kidnapped son.
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SYNOPSIS: After living in America for 25 years, having experienced the ills, and pressures of society, Mar decided to take his family to visit his homeland, mainly for a brief vacation. He also wanted to see if it will be wise and advisable to stay for good and pursue his dream of helping in transforming his country free of poverty, corruption, lawlessness and human abuses by the government. It did not take long for him to see that the country is not the same as when he left. It was worst. Understandably he and his wife (Ditas) didn’t want to risk their children’s future in such a world, so they decided to go back to America. To them the challenges they have living in America are much surmountable than the problems in their own birthplace.
But first they have to visit their relatives and friends in the baryo. (village). They received a warm welcome and townmates threw a village party for them. During the party, bad elements came and disrupted the merriment. They took Mar’s son, Quiel, and held him hostage. Mar’s daughter (Izza), was also injured by a bullet during the commotion.
Mar and his brother (Vicas) sought help from influential people to help rescue his son but they did not have luck with all the corruptions going on. They sought help from the baryo people and it was Paquito, Mar’s boyhood friend, who offered help to rescue Quiel. They went up the mountain where kidnappers were keeping Quiel. After much struggle, Mar and company were able to save Quiel.
They went back to the city to catch their plane going back to the States. Riots on the streets protesting against government abuses and corruption were growing violent. Mar’s friend, Camilo, tried to convince him (Mar) to stay and take the lead in the transformation. Mar was torn. He was confused. In the end, Ditas persuaded him to just go back to America for now. Hopefully in the future they can go back to their motherland for good when things are better.
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This reply was modified 4 years ago by Rico Cadayona.
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This reply was modified 4 years ago by Rico Cadayona.
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This reply was modified 4 years ago by Rico Cadayona.
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This reply was modified 4 years ago by Rico Cadayona.
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This reply was modified 4 years ago by Rico Cadayona.
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This reply was modified 4 years ago by Rico Cadayona.
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Rico, I am intrigued by the ways this story might invite the audience to reflect on America’s values. I’m also interested to know how living in America helps the protagonist to see the benefits of living in his own country.
As you develop the story, I’m eager to find out what the protagonist learns about his own values and what obstacles he has to overcome to achieve his goals.
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This reply was modified 4 years ago by
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What I learned: Condensing the story down to high-level generalities and what to leave in, and take out.
Everything Changes
Logline: Ambitious, always-in-control tech sales superstar gets cancer. No longer in control. Facing death. Starts living. Everything changes.
Everything Changes
One-pager by Victoria Brooks
EMILY LETOURNEAU (40s), an ambitious, controlling sales tech star, suffers from an ongoing bout of diarrhea, between her non-stop go-go-go lifestyle. Her significant other, HUGH, is a British ex-military turned US redneck – a middle-aged fuckboy who has never outgrown his delusions that he’s God’s gift to women. He lies as if his girlfriend doesn’t work in sales and can’t see through his BS.
Her diarrhea keeps getting worse despite multiple doctor visits and throwing prescriptions and tests her to see what works. Finally, her primary care physician tells her she needs to see a GASTROENTEROLOGIST.
He tells her they need to do a colonoscopy. She questions his decision because it seems like there should be a number of steps from a fully clothed initial five-minute conversation to putting her under anesthesia to stick a camera up her butt. It unearths a tumor. She needs surgery.
She does what everyone in this day and age does at this point. Becomes a medical expert via Google which keeps pulling up the word – cancer, along with a number of other deadly diseases.
Meets with Dr. Grim, the grim reaper personified, for a post-surgery follow-up. He breaks the news – cancer. All of the affected tissue has been removed but she’ll need chemo to get anything in her bloodstream they can’t see, for prevention’s sake.
Emily goes back to work and shares her diagnosis. She met with unexpected reactions. Trying to juggle work and chemo leads to crazy chaotic situations. More montages of the obstacle course of medical tests and corresponding side effects. She takes leave to focus on her health.
Hugh moves out and leaves her. Lonely, she tries to focus on preparing for a new future that seems indescribably far away. When day to day feels like torture, six months can feel like a decade.
She sits with a woman with cancer, Stage 4. The woman’s likeness is uncanny, like Emily’s sister from another mother. She shares with Emily her perspective about life, death, and the power of choice. Emily, staring at what could have been her, cries silently with a mixture of relief combined with grief. She has a second chance.
Emily trains for a new career, researching the digital nomad lifestyle. She learns to live courageously and authentically. She celebrates ending chemo by going on one helluva road trip because life is meant to be lived. We see the multi-state map, she throws her bag in the back of the car and rides off into the sunset. She’s going on an Eat-Experience and god willing, Love tour. The credits provide a montage of her trips to different states.
She meets a hot Italian man at one of the trendy restaurants in NYC. Her second chance at a new beginning. Or at least part of her new adventure. Cut to Black – credit roll. The END.
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This reply was modified 4 years ago by VICTORIA Brooks.
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This reply was modified 4 years ago by
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Douglas Baker – Assignment 1
Title:
THE GREEN UMBRELLA
Logline:
The death of a disgraced actor reveals his role in conspiring to economically enslave the global population which culminates in a revolution that brings a second enlightenment aided by a new political system, ancient indigenous mysticism and technology.
What I’ve learned:
My first effort at summary was a description of the action of the screenplay. This effort helped me discover my motive for writing it. I learned to describe the plot and plot elements objectively. It helped to objectify the text as something other than my imagination and creativity. As an object separate from myself, I could describe components with a critical eye.
Summary:
My film is an attempt to reconcile history and chart a path forward. I believe in inflection points in history which are opportunities for enlightenment and or evolution of the species. It appears that during periods of increased economic, political and social strife, the species is forced to confront its own history and humanity and determine how to map a plan to move forward. I’ve wrestled with how to enter the zeitgeist of our era and by highlighting and intensifying the natural consequences of what already exist, aim to envision a new age of enlightenment.
Technology and material abundance are the factors that expose the ambition and corruption of present institutions and force a confrontation, within America first, then to the rest of the planet, the tyrannical ambitions of the elites and the growing knowledge base of the people. The people unify and rise to overthrow the elites and usher in a new age of reason and cooperation in a sustainable lifestyle for all.
The vehicle used to deliver the drama is an CIA covert operative doubling as an Oscar winning action movie hero. There is a sci-fi, comedic element in his films, a green umbrella. This umbrella is his signature shield and weapon as it is powered through magnetics. The film crew used for his epic action films is CIA. Rather it is a privately funded dark ops branch of the CIA. This psychological operation uses plot structure as pure propaganda. The aim is redistribution of the planet’s natural resources to the benefit of oligarchs funding their work.
The counterpoint to this consolidation of resources and wealth is the polarity of growing social unrests and protests throughout the world. Social media and technology are used to create resistance movements. The movements rise and fall with frequency because new crises arise daily. The lack of intersectionality has undermined the effectiveness though the intensity and will of the people to act is building throughout.
Unlikely heroes arise from the disenfranchised. Gay men with AIDS pull an assassination suicide pact reminiscent of the 60’s. An alcoholic realizes the power of modeling a new political party after the structure of the meeting he has been attending for free. His accidental discovery leads to the invention of a new political party called a The Green Umbrella which is designed to restore integrity and responsiveness to the citizenry.
The underlying and lasting element of fantasy takes the form of a subplot born of indigenous and hallucination spiritual tradition of the Amazonian tribal warrior. The juxtaposition of spiritual war through mystical insight unifies the plot lines. The plots weave through each other as naturalists and materialism that inevitably meet in a headlong crash. Social order is upended and the wisdom of indigenous naturalism joins with an equitable redistributing of the planet’s resources in a sustainable model.
The political party has traction and it is hoped an ambitious fan will organize it in real time. This film is meant to provide stark relief to the supremacy that has repressed the masses as less than human. It has become apparent that the masses no longer accept their subjugation or subordination and have unified to overthrow the oligarchs once and for all. This raising of the bottom has reached a moment in history where the subjugated raise up and use violence as has always been used upon them. It produces immediate results and is discarded. Collaboration from the extremes into the center restore sanity, balance and goodwill for all. The age of unification begins.
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Fred’s Logline and One Page
What I learned doing this assignment is that it is much easier to see the overall flow and structure of my story on a one page than it is through an entire outline/beat sheet/script. I was able to make structural modifications to clear up any confusion in logic during this exercise.
Title: Burden of None
Logline:
After his Mother reveals his Father’s ongoing infidelity and uproots herself, the son must reevaluate his loyalty to his privileged family and decide if he wants to remain a part of it or not.
Onepage:
On the night of a Korean family ritual (Jesa) JIN, 18, is taken on a rite of passage to celebrate his entrance into adulthood. He becomes a member of the patriarchal family business and one of the main heirs to his Grandfather’s inheritance.
That same night Jin’s Mother, 42, picks up a phone call intended for Jin’s Father, HAN, 44, and learns that her husband has been having yet another affair with a Mistress. She decides to move out and tell Jin about Han’s true identity.
Jin struggles to cope with the fact, but after some processing he decides to follow his Mother’s footsteps and leave his father’s home. – Could change
He then concocts a plan to seek justice for his mother and expose his father’s true colors. When he confesses this truth to his female relatives, expecting heavy disapproval, he is shocked to find out that they have been aware this whole time yet have been keeping Han’s infidelity from Jin and his Grandpa in order to protect the image of a perfect family.
Jin decides to cut ties with all of them for sticking up for Han simply because he is kin and banishing his mother for being an in law. He attempts to form a new relationship with his long estranged Mother’s side of the family, hoping to find her a new support system.
When he goes on a trip to rebuild that severed connection, Jin finds out that his Uncle has also been a coward who has abandoned his Mother in order to look after his own family. He decides to forgo the opportunity to bring them back together.
Jin eventually turns to the Mistress and meets her 7 year old son, his half brother. At first he sees him as a threat to his legacy and place within the family hierarchy, but upon recognizing a similar abandonment to that of his mother, he decides to bring them into the fold and introduce them to his Grandfather. This triggers immense shame for Grandpa that he almost has a heart attack on the spot. He has no choice but to banish Han.
Jin reports back to his Mother on his latest travails, only to find out that she never asked for any of this revenge. She reveals that it was her who cheated on her former lover to marry Han in the first place and have Jin. Now she asks him to forgive her for keeping the truth from him.
After recognizing how much damage and pain he has caused, Jin attempts to bury the hatchet with Han and restore the broken family back to what it was before, only with some progressive modifications. He does this by bringing Han to the Jesa and cooking together in front of all the women to watch. When the procession starts Grandpa makes an unheard of call: to include the ladies in the ceremony too.
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I have learned the difference between “Rewriting” and “Editing” and “Wordsmiting” this is going be a very powerful process in my now writing and future writing.
Title: Sistas
Genre: Comedy/Drama
Log line
This is a screenplay about a family tragedy that brings four estrange sisters home after five years; they are not who they appear to be, secrets will be revealed and lives will be changed forever.
Synposis:
This is about four sisters, Karen who is the oldest, Kendra who has a feisty attitude, Janey who is the easy going one of the bunch and Tracy the “Rebel” of the four. They live four different lives who at one time were very close with each other, but after their parents died in a horrible car accident some years back; they never really recovered nor kept in touch with each other until the one thing that brought them back to see one another after all those years is the death of their mother’s sister Aunt Merle. Aunt Vi, who is the matriarch of the family will be able to read through a lot of what is going on with each of them. The more they try to hide their issues, the more will be reveal. Secrets will unfold and issues will be brought to the table, but at the end of it all they will understand the true meaning of family.
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Hi Ychlindria,
This sounds very intriguing. I like it. Although, I didn’t get any of the comedy in the synopsis. I got the drama, it reminded me of August Osage County.
Blessings
Christina
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