Day 1 Assignments

[Alan Larson]

Day 1 Assignment:

SUBJECT: Alan’s Logline and One Page!

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is there are still lots of improvements I can make to this script.

1. Tell us your current title and
logline.

Title: A BLIND EYE

Logline: A wisecracking Denver Everyman risks his life to save his sister from the sordid world of date rape drugs, missing girls and a sophisticated global sex trafficking ring.

2. Present your current story in
one page, giving us an overview of the story, not the details.

A BLIND EYE

A printer whirs out a Denver Police Wanted Poster sketch that matches and morphs into the face of Denver Everyman, Jay Crockett. Seated in a restaurant, Jay appears to be having an affair with a young blonde, Holly Samson. As they exit, Jay veers to the restroom. Holly stops near the bar. There, Blake offers to smoke the world’s best weed with her. The hostess sees Jay and Holly leave together. She phones the police. Blake and Holly smoke weed. He roofies her and abducts her.

A couple days later, Jay sits alone at a tavern, where he sees a big Rolex Guy drop white powder into a young brunette’s drink. She (Erin) passes out. Jay stops Rolex Guy from carrying her out. Detective Swoboda, and Quinn flash gold shields and question Jay. They show him the Wanted sketch. Jay can’t explain the likeness. They take Jay in for questioning. He’s paraded in a lineup. The restaurant hostess positively IDs Jay. He spends the night in jail. But he gets released the next afternoon.

Jay goes to the bus depot, spots a runaway, Madison, buys her dinner, then abducts her.

Later, Jay goes back to the tavern where Erin thanks him and asks him to walk her home. At Erin’s house, Jay sees Rolex Guy drive by and shoves Erin inside to protect her. But Erin wore a wire to help the police entrap Jay. He was the last person seen with Holly. Turns out, Holly is Jay’s half-sister. To help, Erin and Jay review mugshots. Jay IDs Blake. They learn Blake, Rolex Guy, and Jay’s doppelganger, Finn, are part of a sophisticated global sex trafficking gang that abducts girls and auctions them on the dark web. Holly and Erin both have big money eBay-like pages. The gang lies that Holly’s the porn star who slept with Tiger Woods. Erin’s a pale white ‘spinner’ who speaks fluent mandarin.

Holly and Madison are being held at a house in Denver. Actually, Finn abducted Madison at the bus depot. He used Jay’s name on orders from Rolex Guy. He wants Jay dead.

The FBI learns the gang will be shipping four girls to a semi-truck brothel, including a blonde Holly’s age. Jay and Erin go with Quinn and her FBI team to ID Rolex Guy and rescue Holly. At the truck stop, Jay overhears two truckers. He follows one to the brothel. The FBI raids the truck and saves the four girls, including Madison. But Holly’s not there. She’s been shipped west.

Bids for Holly and Erin skyrocket. Erin gets offered a modeling job. She and Jay plot to fly to Mexico without telling Quinn. But Quinn learns about it. Fake modeling jobs and runaways are the two most common gateways to sex trafficking. The FBI learns Rolex Guy faked the offer, and that Holly might be in LA, too. They convince Erin to accept the modeling job in LA and be tracked by GPS and drones. But Erin insists Jay has to be there, too. They all fly to LA.

The gang picks up Erin in a shielded limo and drives into the limo garage, outsmarting the FBI. The gang orders Erin change into a bikini and leave all personal items in the limo. But Erin hides her phone in her bikini bottom. When she steps out of the limo, the FBI tracks her. Quinn and Jay race to save her at Marina Del Rey. They arrive just in time. Quinn shoots Rolex Guy and Finn, saving Erin. But Holly’s already been shipped to Dongguan, the sex capitol of China.

In China, the FBI can only provide limited help. So, Jay convinces Holly’s rich father to buy her on the auction. Her father’s security chief, Dan, and Jay win the bid. They fly to China to get Holly. But, the gang bait and switch Holly with another blonde. They resell Holly to a Beijing brothel.

Dan and his Chinese team bribe two insiders, but on the way to the brothel, the insiders bail. Jay devises a new plan. He and Chinese team member, Ping, pay for Holly’s services. But they bait and switch the brothel. Ping poses as Holly, while Jay leads Holly posing as Ping out. They barely escape. After another setback at the airport, they all arrive safely back in the USA.

[Erica Miner]

Hi Alan,

Here are my comments on your Logline and one-page (suggestions only, of course). Keep in mind it’s much easier to critique someone else’s work than one’s own! Sorry for all the questions, too!

Logline: This is great. My only thought is that you could leave out the ‘missing girls’ since that is sufficiently alluded to in ‘a sophisticated global sex trafficking ring, which is usually about missing girls (Make sense?)

One-page:

A BLIND EYE (great title)

I think mostly you need to clarify the set up. Once the story gets going, things begin to make sense.

In introducing your main character, I don’t think you need to include the action line ‘A printer whirs out a Denver Police Wanted Poster sketch that matches and morphs into the face of’. I would start right out with ‘Denver Everyman, Jay, Crockett, seated in a restaurant.’ Then go from there with Jay and Holly, but I would be more specific about her, though I realize you want the reveal of who she really is to be more of a shocker later on. Then you bring in Blake, but we don’t know who he is. Something identifying him would help a lot. It also would help to say something like, ‘while Jay is in the restroom, Holly stops near the bar…’ The hostess sees Jay and Holly leave together, but where is Jay–still in the restroom? Does he find out Holly has left with this creep? How does he react? Did the hostess see Blake roofie Holly? Does she tell Jay? Does Jay know the hostess has called the police? Lots of unanswered questions. Since Jay is our main character, I think his actions/reactions are key to this opening. That would set up everything for what comes next.

Later, when Jay is sitting alone at the tavern, how does he react to Rolex Guy’s roofing Erin? When Jay stops the guy, how does he do it? Does he get hopping mad? What are the emotions involved? When and how do the detectives arrive? Is the Wanted sketch about Holly’s abduction? ‘Jay can’t explain the likeness…’ to himself? Is the reason he’s released because they can’t find evidence to charge him? You could clarify all these questions with a few key words. I know it’s obvious to you, but often a reader will want all of this to be crystal clear, especially in a one-page.

Now I have trouble with Jay abducting a runaway. So far it seems like he’s a good guy. Why would he abduct a young girl? It’s not clear until the paragraph where it is explained that Finn is the one who abducted Madison. Who is Finn? Could you say a guy who appears to be Jay abducts her? It’s kind of jarring for me, but maybe I’m being too nit-picky.

From here, the plot is much clearer. Though I’m a bit unclear about the first mention of Quinn—is she an FBI agent? It might help to say that briefly.

Other than that, I think you have the makings of an intriguing story that’s very contemporary and timely.

Hope this helps.

Erica

[Erica Miner]

Title: MURDER IN THE PIT

Logline:

When a brilliant young violinist teams up with an opera-loving detective to solve the murder of a famous opera conductor, the violinist finds herself in the sights of the killer.

Synopsis:

The odds have been against gifted violinist Julia most of her young life. She still has vivid nightmares about her childhood trauma of losing her father in a shooting on the streets of Manhattan. Nonetheless, she refuses to let her painful memories interfere with her opening night debut in the Metropolitan Opera Orchestra. Julia wants nothing more than to prove herself to her mentor, celebrated maestro Abel. She also feels pressured to live up to the exacting standards of the higher-ups in the company. But a heated pre-performance argument behind closed doors between Abel and Julia’s closest colleague Sidney worries her. Then Abel is struck down on the podium by an assassin’s bullet in the middle of the performance.

Julia’s grief sends her into a tailspin. But Sidney’s arrest as a murder suspect forces Julia to act. Larry, the NYPD detective assigned to the case, presents compelling evidence pointing to Sidney’s guilt. Julia remains convinced that Sidney is innocent. She trolls dark hallways and hidden stairwells of the Met searching for clues to clear Sidney’s name. She enlists Charles, a talented up-and-coming singer, and Matt, the head stagehand, to aid in her quest. Unexpected resentment from Matt’s assistant, Frank, makes Julia’s quest even more difficult. Yet she still is determined to find Abel’s real killer.

Julia’s passionate crusade to save Sidney from the death penalty convinces Larry of Sidney’s possible innocence. Violinist and detective work tirelessly to uncover Abel’s real murderer, despite unanticipated opposition from Management.

Julia is shocked to find an unimagined world of danger and intrigue hidden behind the Met’s golden curtain. A drug ring, secret sexual alliances, searing rivalries and more, rear their ugly heads. Then mysterious occurrences spook her. Toppling scenery barely misses crushing her. Threatening notes appear on her music. Julia is terrified that someone in the opera world doesn’t want her snooping around. Or worse, wants her dead. When she discovers Matt’s bludgeoned body stuffed into an opening in the pit wall, her terror mounts.

Julia rises above her fears to figure out who the perpetrator is. She’s eager to reveal the murderer’s identity to Larry. Meanwhile, Larry has discovered a tangle of murderous jealousies dating back to Charles and Abel’s childhood. He realizes Julia is in grave danger and frantically searches for her at the opera house.

But Frank has already abducted Julia. He forces her up to the roof of the opera house and tries to throw her off. More shocking, Charles appears and confesses that he and Frank have conspired to murder both Abel and Matt.

When Charles kills Frank without batting an eye, Julia recognizes that Charles is a madman. Her distress escalates further when he drags her to the edge of the roof. Julia realizes she must act quickly to save her own life. In a moment of weakness, Charles celebrates his moment of glory. With all her strength, Julia thrusts her body at him, shoving him off the edge.

Larry arrives to find Julia gasping for breath. But she is safe and gratified, knowing that she has solved Abel’s murder and restored Sidney’s freedom.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Erica Miner. Reason: Trimming, tightening and clarifying

[Alan Larson]

Hi, Erica,

Since we’re both doing murder/thriller type of scripts, do you want to “partner up” and critique each other’s work?

Thanks – alan

[Erica Miner]

Yes! What a great idea. Let’s do it!

Thanks,

Erica

[Alan Larson]

Hey, Erica,

Great. I just sent you a member CONNECT request. You have to accept it so we can chat via this email system. Thanks – alan

[Alan Larson]

Assignment 1 – Critique of Erica’s One Pager

I think you have an interesting story going here. Obviously, with your background you bring a lot of authenticity to this screenplay which is awesome. Those authentic items that are unknown to us in the general public will help make yours a strong script.

It appears we both have adapted our screenplays from novels that we’ve written so we should have a lot of things we can help each other with. I just took Hal’s Thriller class in May/June. That class helped improve both my screenplay and my novel, so hopefully this class will do that for both of us, as well.

I’m guessing we’re supposed to comment on the content, but I don’t have much input on that at this point other than to say it looks like you’ve got a good structure in place already.

Since you’re using MS Word, you should turn-on READABILITY STATS in OPTIONS in the PROOFING section. In James V. Smith’s book, THE WRITER’S LITTLE HELPER, Smith sets out his guidelines on what writers should try for with Minimum or Maximum readability values.

———————————BEST —–Your Draft

Words per sentences: MAX – 15 —–25.2

Characters per word: MAX – 4.5 ——4.9

Flesch Reading Ease: MIN – 80 ——-42.5

Flesch-Kincaid Grade: MAX – 6 ——-13.5

Pace: ………………………..MIN – 74 ——29.0

Passive Sentences: …..MAX – 5% —–13.6%

Replacing some of the passive verbs with active verbs would give your synopsis more punch. If you broke up a lot of your long sentences into two or three shorter sentences, your Synopsis would read a lot faster and make it easier to understand. Particularly with the last sentence of the first paragraph, I would break that up to emphasize the argument between Abel and Sydney. Especially since that seems to be what sends Sydney to jail. I had to reread that sentence a couple times to fully grasp what happened there.

Super minor point, in the first sentence of the last paragraph, instead of ‘hen’ I think you meant ‘when.’

Best of luck! – alan

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s logline and One Page!

What I learned doing this assignment is to pick out the trailer moments that tell the story.

Title – The Sixth Stage of Grief

Logline; To relieve her own guilty conscience, a grieving adult daughter sets out to prove her home security monitor contributed to her mother’s untimely death.

In advertising, fear sells. Brittle Ad Executive Monica Cassidy (33) has an edge on writing her security systems ads. Mom Rosemary is a textbook paranoid hiding in her Victorian mansion, replete with secret passages, a Cold War era bomb shelter and pervasive security monitoring.

Rosemary (late 60s) is a selfish Southern Belle handicapped by multiple phobias and adult-onset diabetes. Since her father died, Monica’s played caretaker and she’s had enough.

One insult too many and Monica retaliates by accepting her boyfriend’s invitation to an extended weekend getaway. She’s confident Rosemary’s pet security attendant, Dennis, is up to the task.

A diffident loner, Dennis (50s) lives for his job, overseeing his clients with an obsessive need for order. He indulges Rosemary but even he has his limits. When one of Rosemary’s freak-outs interrupts him handling a true emergency, Dennis curtly dismisses her.

Left to fend for herself, all Rosemary remembers is Dennis saying throw your meds out. So, she does, and spirals down into an insulin coma. When Monica gets home, Mom’s dead.

An offhand remark from a sympathetic security monitor leads Monica to believe Dennis was at fault and she embarks on a vendetta to find proof of culpability. Except to do so she’ll be under his observation.

Dennis is unnerved by her passion and accusations. His first panicked impulse is to lock her in the house he controls. He can’t bring himself to do the right thing by releasing her and the cat and mouse games play out over a weekend as they for dominance.

Monica doesn’t know that Dennis runs a satellite operation from his apartment on the neighboring property, complete with looped videos to evade accidental discovery.

Furious, Monica taunts Dennis until he dares enter the house, then she leads him on a chase, culminating with them getting locked in the bomb shelter.

Here these master manipulators roller coaster through the five stages of grief for the upper hand as they wait for rescue. Her grief/guilt finally breaking, Monica seems to succumb, agreeing to absolve him of wrongdoing. But when the door finally opens, she denounces him. He grabs her.

Monica has a split-second glance at the cop’s raised pistol to regret her vindictiveness before Dennis is shot dead. So, who won?

Nobody wins when the sixth stage of grief is retribution.

[Tom Freyer]

Hi Patricia,

Interesting story. Would you like to exchange logline and one page feedback with me?

Please let me know. Thanks,

Tom

[Patricia Semler]

Hi Tom,

Yes, I’m happy to exchange. I’ll look over yours tonight and post notes tomorrow.

Pat

[Tom Freyer]

Hi Pat,

Thanks. I’ll do the same!

Tom

[Tom Freyer]

Hi Pat,

You need to create a member profile. Then I (or you) can send a connect request so we can use the forum’s email system for private feedback messages. Thanks!

Tom

[Alan Larson]

Hey, Fellow Students,

Actually, all you need to do is one of you click on the other’s name, then once their page pops up, click on CONNECT over on the right side of the page. The other student simply needs to ACCEPT the connection, and then you two can communicate with each other privately via the internal email system here.

Good Luck! – alan

[Tom Freyer]

SUBJECT: Tom’s Logline and One Page!

TITLE: 89 DAYS

LOGLINE: When mercenary marshals seize, shackle and haul a big-hearted but angry alcoholic away in a prisoner van for a felony he doesn’t remember, he’s forced to spend almost three tortuous and life-altering months on the road before facing a judge. (Based on a true story)

SYNOPSIS: : Hard-drinking machinist TERRY O’FLAHERTY, 34, considers himself a happy drunk. But deep inside him rages an uncontrollable demon loosed when Terry drinks, which is all the time. Perhaps it has something to do with his FATHER, who’s gay, abandoned his mother, his little SISTER and him in Boston when he was 12 and never contacted him since. That rage still simmers strong in Terry.

We open on a flashback in front of a bar in Derry, New Hampshire, shit-faced to the point of blackout, Terry is about to punch his WIFE when a Good Samaritan steps in. Terry (a large guy to begin with) and the guy brawl, until the guy slaps handcuffs on Terry — he’s an off-duty cop. Next day, Terry is released on his own recognizance.

Now, six years later, he and his wife are in family court in Santa Barbara, arguing about custody of their two children. Terry has started his own machine shop with several employees, is making good money, just bought a new truck, and she’s unskilled and unemployed. Things are looking good for him to get full custody.

His wife plays her ace in the hole. She calls Santa Barbara police to ask if New Hampshire still wants Terry. His warrant has turned into a felony: they sure do!

Terry is arrested by police. Two weeks later, he’s released from jail into the custody of two sadistic PRIVATE MARSHALS, 30s, employees of Prison Transportation Services. Wearing badges and pistols, they shackle Terry (still in his Bermuda shorts and aloha shirt), put him in a long transport van with seven other PRISONERS. If he can raise $1600 bail, he can make his own way to NH. The Marshalls begin by beating the Prisoners with their nightsticks and cheating them out of their meal per diem. Terry suffers withdrawal symptoms from alcoholism including dry heaves and DTs. As the Marshalls slowly drag the prisoners across America, Terry and the other prisoners learn about each other. Terry learns about his disease from Angel, a tough as nails Mexican Mafia lifer and AA sponsor.

There’s a GAY PRISONER with AIDS. Terry makes rude gay and AIDS jokes at his expense. Terry befriends him when he learns they’re both fathers of young kids, but the guy eventually dies of AIDS. There’s a conspiracy nut who explains the truth about private transport companies. One of the Marshals robs Terry of his money at an ATM. There’s an angry Black guy with a chip on his shoulder who clashes with SKINHEAD, racist member of the Aryan Brotherhood. Skinhead tries to escape by taking a MENTALLY SLOW prisoner hostage, , but is shot to death by cops. Terry is injured but survives. Terry calls his sister about raising bail money. Later, she tells him her ex-husband broke in and stole the money. Terry finds a bankroll but must fight and beat one of the Marshals to keep it. Terry complains when they pass cars on the freeway onramp. They pull over and beat the shit out of him. In Pittsburg, the Marshals park in their friend’s driveway all night so they can watch the playoffs. The prisoners nearly freeze to death.

Finally, they have dropped off every prisoner but Terry. En route to New Hampshire court, the sadistic marshals hit every pothole so Terry will bump his head on the van roof. One deep pothole causes him to fall and fracture his elbow. Hilarity ensues for the Marshals. Terry writhes in severe pain.

Terry is delivered to the courthouse in New Hampshire. His sister has retained a DEFENSE ATTORNEY. Surprise, it’s the former DA who prosecuted him. The JUDGE asks if Terry accepts the plea bargain. His attorney says, “He does, your Honor.” Gavel bang. “Okay, then, credit for time served. Case dismissed!”

Terry has no money to get back to California. In desperation, he hitchhikes and walks to his estranged father’s place outside of Boston. His father, who’s gay and living with a PARTNER, is dying of AIDS. Dad takes him in, gives him the money. His father explains that he never contacted him because he assumed Terry wouldn’t approve. Terry gets closure before his dad passes away, which vanquishes the remainder of his anger.

At the airport, Terry’s sister delivers the theme of the story when she reminds him that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. In an epiphany, he realizes every single prisoner represented one of Terry’s shortcomings: alcoholism, bigotry, ignorance, homophobia, atheism, and selfishness, and the three-month long van ride forces Terry to overcome each character defect. The trip has completely transformed him. He calls his kids, eager to begin building a better relationship with them in California.

The story ends with a title crawl containing shocking but true statistics about the little-known private prisoner transport industry.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Tom Freyer.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Tom Freyer.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Tom Freyer.

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s review

89 Days

This is one tough drama you’re tackling. The biggest problem for me as a reader is I don’t have an emotional investment in Terry to care that he survives this ordeal. Let’s try hitting all the emotional stops by cutting away some of the details.

First up. Hate to tell you but you can’t start with a flashback. We haven’t seen anything yet. So, either start in that older year then flash forward to Terry’s troubles six years later. A better strategy might be to start with Terry in California with his good job and good life that’s shattered by his wife filing for divorce. This gives us time to see his good side and bring up his drinking problem.

When she pulls her ace of calling the cops on his NH warrant now you can flashback to his drunken brawl from her and the cops’ perspective since he blacked out. This gives us emotional hits to work with.

Then when he’s shifted over to the private Marshalls he hasn’t known hell before but he will now. Is there a reason cops do this? We need to know. Do a quick overview of his fellow prisoners in one sentence. No details, add Terry’s attitude toward people he thinks are beneath him. Keep Angel if this guy is going to be a big influence.

Terry expects a 3 to 5 day trip. Here is where you get into the sadism of the Marshalls as the trip expands into this 3 month odyssey. Hit some specific points here, like the gay man dying which brings up Terry’s issue with his father. He’s starting to re-evaluate his life.

How much of the story is this cross-country trek? How are you maintaining interest in seeing Terry get to NH in one piece? Are there any redeeming qualities to these Marshalls? Try to avoid the phrase and hilarity ensues. For a split second I thought this might be a comedy.

Once he’s delivered to the courthouse his surprise exoneration feels flat. He went through all that for a case dismissed? Couldn’t the judge have done that over zoom or something?

So he’s left penniless and homeless. Why hitchhike to Dad’s house? Is there a way to make this faster, like his sister picking him up because Dad’s dying? They could have a heart to heart on the way. She can bring his focus to your theme without blunting saying that’s what she’s doing.

You have 2 people dying of AIDS in an era where medications are available to mitigate the damage, so what underlying factors are contributing to the deaths?

So now he’s learned these life lessons, probably dried out for the first time in years, ready to get back to his kids. Give him something more. Maybe he follows Angel’s advice and volunteers to mentor AA meetings.

We haven’t changed the story, just shifted focus to where it needs to be – on Terry and his emotional journey of redemption. By the way, what happened with his ex-wife? Might want to see that as a tag before your title crawl re the Marshalls.

[jaye Blohm]

JAYE’S LOGLINE AND ONE PAGE

What I’ve learned is that rewriting this script is doable as long as I stay focused, attack it in segments, and divorce myself from the things that are unnecessary!

TITLE – RETRIBUTION FOR A MERCENARY

GENRE: FANTASY/ADVENTURE

I need to change the title (among other things), because on nearly every occasion, despite the logline, people have told me the title gave them a different vision of the story. The title needs work, and I need to change it — for sure.

Logline:
Set in a 16th-century fantasy world, a mercenary group, comprised of weapons masters and mages, seeks revenge on a Dark Bishop that took the life of their Commander. A newcomer joins the team… can he be trusted?

THE BASIC PLOT

Bern is a mercenary in his father’s troop. When his father and half their troop are murdered by a Dark Bishop, the torch is thrust upon him. He has imposter syndrome. His right-hand man and childhood friend battle for control as they try and see eye-to-eye on how to rebuild the team, defeat the enemy, and lead the group.

A: BEGINNING/MIDDLE/END
ACT 1: Bern’s father is murdered and he and his best friend (Rayen) try and come to grips, rebuild the team, find the solution for beating the Bishop.

ACT 2: A temptress (the Bishop’s daughter) tries to lure Rayen away from his team. Meanwhile… a new (and questionable person) joins the group and he has many reasons to suspect his loyalties lie elsewhere. But we discover Rayen has actually joined the bad guys, to make a deal to help Bern defeat the Bishop. He knows this will cost him the friendship, and likely his life.

ACT 3. The Bishop has been defeated, but a new enemy remains: his daughter and Rayen! The team defeats her and rescues Rayen. (I feel this ending is satisfying, but have wondered if I should just kill him off — but ultimately he is a good guy with deep and true love for his friend (so I kind of want to save him and have him be forgiven)

B. CUT CHARACTERS THAT AREN’T ESSENTIAL TO THE BASIC PLOT

Here is where the rewrites started going bad….

I started out with a story of death and vindication. But then people started telling me they wanted to see how the team was rebuilt… so I added it, and then I started hearing how it played out more like episodic television and how people were bored of constant training sequences (although vivid and unique… they were repetitious).

I had an ensemble cast that people complained were too many characters that needed developing, and the more I developed, to differentiate, the more people then complained that the story dragged out and lagged. So… I had interesting characters that people wanted to know more about, and then after I elaborated, I had too many characters that people knew too much about. (ARGH!) Off the bat, IU am thinking of two characters I can cut. But my fear is that people may say, how can this mercenary team only have four people — that’s too small!!

C. PESENT A CLEAR STORY LINE THAT’S EASY TO FOLLOW

– Man and best friend lose father/father figure to an evil Dark Bishop

– They discover the only way to defeat him is with an enchanted stone that they cannot find
– As tensions grow, the best friend meets a woman who promises him the stone for his loyalty

– The best friend accepts the offer (that we do not find out until the same time the lead finds out) and he betrays the team (all for wanting to help them)

– Success! The Bishop is dead, but now the best friend has to leave his group and they all hate him

– The group now has a new enemy, the Bishop’s daughter and their former teammate!

– Time to kick some more ass…

THE CORE

The core is friendship. Brotherhood and love, torn apart by betrayal, but with the best intentions.

[Marina Shron]

The Image Makers

by Marina Shron

A feature screenplay

Genre: Geopolitical/Psychological Thriller

Logline:

An American war photographer with a dark secret in her past becomes entangled in her accidental lover’s investigation of a CIA renegade operation in Afghanistan circa 2001 and must risk her life and her family legacy to save him and atone for her past.

Or

After a one-night stand with an Afghan TV journalist in Kabul, an American war photographer becomes entangled in his investigation of a CIA black operation and must risk her family legacy to expose the truth and save him.

Synopsis

Sarah Hauser comes from a conservative political dynasty. A daughter of a late US Republican senator David Hauser Sr, she learned from an early age not to trust appearances… not even her own.

When the story begins Sarah, works on an assignment in Kabul, photographing the former prisoners of the Salt Pit, once a CIA black site. She’s obsessed with her work yet emotionally detached… When a host of a conservative TV show, Omar Khaled, asks for her help in investigating his brother’s suspicious death in Salt Pit where he was a prisoner, Sarah refuses. Yet she feels intrigued by Omar, attracted to him. After their meeting, she strats having strange flashbacks — half-memories, half-dreams – of a man’s death she witnessed at 16 when vacationing in Amsterdam… Or perhaps she was more than mere witnesses?

To shake off disturbing flashbacks, half-memories, half-dreams, Sarah begins an affair with Omar. But their first night takes an unexpected turn when her lover gets a call from a former CIA interrogator at the Salt Pit – with a promise of a groundbreaking interview… Omar and Sarah rush to his house only to find it empty… And in the morning, Omar is arrested, accused of the man’s murder. He leaves behind a note for Sarah and a “torture tape” depicting harsh interrogation of his brother by the now-dead CIA man… the tape he had picked in the house the previous night.

While the tape seems to implicate Omar by providing him with a motive, Sarah refuses to believe he’s is guilty. She enlists Said, her Afghan fixer to translate the interrogation tape. Quickly, they realize there’s more to it than hits the eye – during the interrogation, the detainee, Omar’s brother confesses to being a CIA informer. But before they get to the end of the tape, a professional assassin breaks into Said’s apartment… Said is killed while helping Sarah to escape. Deeply shaken by the experience, Sarah flees back to New York, determined to uncover the truth behind the deadly videotape.

Meanwhile, in New York, agent Gibbs, the director of the CIA Special Ops, installs surveillance equipment in her apartment. Gibbs is in charge of some cover-up operation that led to the murder of the black site interrogator, Omar’s arrest, and Said’s death. His objective is to retrieve the tape – and he’s under pressure from a mysterious superior to get the job done quickly. When Sarah and her former girlfriend Matty, an editor of a major newspaper arrive in her apartment and watch the tape to the end – Gibbs watches them as they make another startling discovery. Not only Ahmed (the detainee on the tape and Omar’s brother) was a CIA asset, he was paid by someone at the CIA to help Bin Laden escape during the operation in Tora Bora. Gibbs, at the time Ahmed’s handler never approved of the renegade operation that was orchestrated by his boss, but has no choice but helps him cover the tracks now…

The game of cat and mouth ensues. Hunted by Gibbs and his elusive superior, Sarah tries to get to the bottom of the conspiracy. She manages to elude Gibbs initial attempts to steal the tape from her…. But she’s limited in her options, and so eventually, she decides to contact her estranged brother David, a career politician, and ask for his help. We realize there’s some bad blood between the two of them… Somehow, David was involved in Sarah’s accident in Amsterdam that keep haunting her ever since she met Omar. Following their poignant reunion, David takes the tape to his boss, Michael Finley, National Security Advisor… Meanwhile, Gibbs, digs into Sarah and David’s past, trying to find some compromising material he can use as leverage… His efforts pay off handsomely when he makes an unexpected discovery connecting the siblings to a gruesome murder in Amsterdam.

Confronted by Gibbs, Sarah recovers the full memory of the event. The man that haunts her in her dreams did exist. He was a Black jazz musician from Yemen who took her and her brother under his wing after they were robbed in Amsterdam and got high on mushrooms. The two spoiled brats were repaid for his kindness by setting him on fire in a drug-induced paranoia — and their powerful father made sure they never paid the price.

When Sarah recovers the full memory of the horrific event she’d been suppressing for so long and relieves her night of the soul – she is crushed by guilt. Yet, she wants to protect David… When Gibbs threatens to take the story to press, Sarah offers to give him the tape, concealing that she no longer has it. As the two negotiate, Sarah receives a call that David has been killed in a deadly car crash…She reveals to Gibbs that David has taken the tape to Finley. Gibbs admits to her that Finley is the man he’s been working for all along –in the past as well as in the present. Finley ordered David dead… He’s tying up loose ends, and Sarah is the next in line.

At this point, Gibbs is ready to turn tables on his boss, but Finley beats him at his game. He stages Gibbs’ suicide, blaming the 2001 renegade operation on his former associate, and taking credit for uncovering the conspiracy.

With Gibbs gone, Sarah makes the only decision that’s left for her – she confronts Finley with a live stream camera attached to her body. Their showdown goes viral, but before the feds arrive – just in time to save her – Finley implicates her late father as the mastermind of the 2001 charade. By exposing Finley, Sarah has also undone her father’s legacy.

In the film’s epilogue, Sarah is back in Kabul. She meets Omar who’s been released from jail. Their reunion is marred by the pain of David’s death – Omar’s growing political ambitions – but more than anything by her deepened sense of guilt for the past she can no longer block. Saving Omar was her way of reckoning, but will she ever find redemption?

[Rachel Morgan]

Hi Marina,

Your story sounds intriguing. I like the complexity of the plot, the depth of the characters and the socio-political themes you explore. Would you be interested in partnering on this project? By way of background, I’m a former journalist living in Canada.

[Marina Shron]

Hi Rachel,

Sounds great – would love to partner with you.

Do you know how this works? Are we supposed to connect outside of this forum?

[Rachel Morgan]

Hi Marina,

I’m new at this, too. In reading the Day 1 Supplement, it seems we’re to assess each other’s Day 1 Assignment. It looks like the goal is to determine whether our logline and one-page synopsis meet Hal’s criteria. Until we hear otherwise, I propose that we read each other’s assignment and post our thoughts on whether we achieved that goal. Sound OK to you?

[Marina Shron]

Sounds good!

[Rachel Morgan]

Name: Rachel Morgan

What I’ve learned from this assignment: It helped me clarify my protagonist’s goals.

Screenplay Title: The Nautilus File

Logline: In 1951 New York, a disgraced detective fights to restore his reputation but finds himself caught between the FBI and a Soviet spy ring intent on stealing America’s nuclear sub secrets.

Synopsis: The context is the Cold War and McCarthyism. The U.S. is developing its first nuclear sub and a Soviet spy ring is trying to steal its secrets. The story focuses on Detective Robert Stoughton. Stoughton is a veteran who returned to civilian life hoping to recapture the sense of mission he felt during the war. To this end, he has become a cop so he can help ordinary people. But he has hidden wounds – PTSD that results in nightmares and anger issues.

The story opens with an off-duty Stoughton risking his own safety to rush a badly injured boy to hospital on his motorcycle. He won’t learn the fate of the boy until later. Back on duty, he is called to investigate the death of a prominent professor, unaware that he is being drawn into a cat and mouse game between the spy ring and the FBI.

The professor’s death is ruled a suicide. We will learn later that the head of the Soviet spy ring, a Canadian, killed the professor. We will also learn that a naval officer is slipping secret documents to the Canadian. Loyalty is an important subtext.

Another murder, this time of a young woman, finds Stoughton assessing the guilt of a Polish immigrant. The evidence is circumstantial, but despite Stoughton’s attempts to delay a trial, the Polish immigrant is tarred as a communist and executed.

New evidence comes to light exonerating the Polish immigrant. The newspapers ridicule the police for sending the wrong man to the chair. Stoughton finds himself at odds with his boss and other officers. Tempers flare and Stoughton is suspended. Fed up with Stoughton’s anger issues, his wife leaves him for another man.

New evidence also makes Stoughton question his judgment in the case of the dead professor. Tortured by his failures in two cases, the loss of his wife and job, he hits bottom. That’s when the father of the boy he rushed to hospital shows up. The dad tells him his son would have died if Stoughton had not acted decisively. His kindness help Stoughton find the spark to start fresh.

Stoughton retraces his investigation of the prof’s murder. He follows clues that lead him to the Canadian who heads the spy ring. The FBI, who don’t know the Canadian is playing them for fools, warn him off, telling him he will wreck their operation. But Stoughton is determined to bring the Canadian to justice. The story reaches a climax as Stoughton, armed with the evidence of murder and the full details of the espionage plot, is ambushed by the Canadian before he can report his findings. Stoughton fights for his life and barely survives. His heroic dedication to his country and to the truth is rewarded when he is reinstated into the police force with the knowledge that he is the man he hoped to be and has found his mission.

[Marina Shron]

Rachel, this is much more clear and powerful – goes to the heart of the story… The only questions I have are about the climax – and how does he get from “being ambushed by the Canadian” to save the day…

But this is a very successful rewrite!

[Rachel Morgan]

Did I mention that I definitely want to see your movie on the big screen. 🙂

[Demethress Davis]

Demethress’ Logline and One Page!

What I learned from doing this assignment is that I have some many ways to enhance this story to make it the best it can be.

TITLE: THE DEVIL’S PUNCHBOWL

(This is a real place in Natchez, Mississippi and my story will weave in its history.)

LOGLINE: Henry, a homeless light skinned Black man, is taken in by a Good Samaritan, but when he discovers she’s a White Supremacist whose sole goal is to kill off as many Blacks she can, he must fight his own demons before he can stop her.

GENRE: THRILLER

MINI MOVIE 1:

Henry accepts an offer from Lillian, the town’s Good Samaritan to work for room and board. He is awaken by muffled cries for help and sees lights moving in the woods behind Lillian’s house.

MINI MOVIE 2:

Henry witnesses a murder. While doing yard work for Sam, a neighbor, Sam has an accident and tells Henry he needs to leave Lillian’s house now!

MINI MOVIE 3:

Henry asks Jewel, a neighbor and close friend of Lillian to help him find out who Lillian really is and what does she know about The Devil’s PunchBowl. He questions police and other townspeople and their responses lead Henry to realize Lillian is two different people. Townspeople shun Henry.

MINI MOVIE 4:

In his attempt to uncover dirt of Lillian, Henry loses an eye.

MINI MOVIE 5:

After being kidnapped by KKK and barely escaping, Henry retreats to his room only to be confronted by his own demons – guilt of his part in the deaths of his wife and son.

MINI MOVIE 6:

Jewel invites Henry over for dinner and after each reveals a secret they have been hiding, Jewel drugs Henry, turns him over to Lillian.

MINI MOVIE 7:

Henry is ambushed by Lillian and her henchmen taken to The Devil’s PunchBowl where they struggle and Henry is the victor.

MINI MOVIE 8:

Henry tells his story of overcoming his guilt, he has forgiven himself and tells Jewel he will be waiting for her when she is released from prison, he is going back to NYC to regain his life.

I look forward to working with someone.

Demethress

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Demethress Davis.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Demethress Davis.

[Tom Freyer]

Cool! There’s also a Devil’s Punchbowl near me, about 25 miles, at the base of the San Gabriel Mountains and Angeles Forest in Los Angeles. It’s an L.A. County park.

[Demethress Davis]

Wow…was it a place like the one in Natchez, Mississippi…After the Civil War, ex slave were given this part of Mississippi to live once freed; but when they wanted to go to doctors for help they were boarded in and refused exit and they could not bury their dead outside, they had to bury them where they died. It was an encampment but really was an interment for slaves like they did to the Japanese after the war.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Demethress Davis.

[ATAUR BACCHUS]

DORAN IN THE JUNGLE

LOGLINE:

Aging space-traveller Doran, on a farewell tour of his planetary neighbourhood, and peeved at his super powers misfiring occasionally, must decide whether to stick to his original flight plan or hang around with embattled natives and an uncertain future.

**************************************************************************************

We first see Doran’s craft whizzing southbound from the North Pole. Very tired, he misses a whole continent and its bright lights and is cruising over Earth’s Southern rain forest. After a few hundred miles he decides to make a landing – no big deal for his mega-adaptive craft

Doran looks out the window and sees a crowd of half-naked natives beckoning urgently. He nods and is hurried away, two men carrying his light-weight craft easily.

And not too early. Next minute an armoured vehicle with National Defence markings lumbers through, firing bursts randomly left and right.

The bad guys keep coming again and again. They are in the service of Northern corporations and their bought-and-paid-for local regimes and militaries. The tribesmen didn’t have to wait long between moves from the bad guys.

The next big confrontation occurs when the bad guys bring in big earth movers to block irrigation canals with rocks. But Doran invokes his Telekinesis, and after several comic mis-fires, he gets it right, and sends rocks flying in all directions, including at the heads and feet of the saboteurs.

The saboteurs next try to burn out the tribesmen’s crops, but Doran manages to move the fires from the fields to the saboteurs’ own camp. On top of that he conjures up wild dogs to chase them back to their camp and to watch it turning into ash.

Finally, Doran had been observing how youthful even the older tribesmen were managing to remain. At first, he was led to believe that it was a literal fountain of youth. But as one of the elders explains to him, it was not a magical single big switch in physical constitution, but all the daily unselfishness towards people and nature, that gave someone many more and enriched years.

[ATAUR BACCHUS]

ATAUR’S LOGLINE AND ONE-PAGER

DORAN IN THE JUNGLE

LOGLINE:

Aging space-traveller Doran, on a farewell tour of his planetary neighbourhood, and peeved at his super powers misfiring occasionally, must decide whether to stick to his original flight plan or hang around with embattled natives and an uncertain future.

**************************************************************************************

We first see Doran’s craft whizzing southbound from the North Pole. Very tired, he misses a whole continent and its bright lights and is cruising over Earth’s Southern rain forest. After a few hundred miles he decides to make a landing – no big deal for his mega-adaptive craft

Doran looks out the window and sees a crowd of half-naked natives beckoning urgently. He nods and is hurried away, two men carrying his light-weight craft easily.

And not too early. Next minute an armoured vehicle with National Defence markings lumbers through, firing bursts randomly left and right.

The bad guys keep coming again and again. They are in the service of Northern corporations and their bought-and-paid-for local regimes and militaries. The tribesmen didn’t have to wait long between moves from the bad guys.

The next big confrontation occurs when the bad guys bring in big earth movers to block irrigation canals with rocks. But Doran invokes his Telekinesis, and after several comic mis-fires, he gets it right, and sends rocks flying in all directions, including at the heads and feet of the saboteurs.

The saboteurs next try to burn out the tribesmen’s crops, but Doran manages to move the fires from the fields to the saboteurs’ own camp. On top of that he conjures up wild dogs to chase them back to their camp and to watch it turning into ash.

Finally, Doran had been observing how youthful even the older tribesmen were managing to remain. At first, he was led to believe that it was a literal fountain of youth. But as one of the elders explains to him, it was not a magical single big switch in physical constitution, but all the daily unselfishness towards people and nature, that gave someone many more and enriched years.

[Nadine Weathersby]

Assignment 1 Rewrite Class

Nadine Weathersby logline and One page

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that even when you feel stuck, brain storming gives you

new ideas and ways to express your vision.

1. Tell us your current title and logline. Title: The Soul Singer

Logline: THE SOUL SINGER is a thought provocative romantic- musical-drama about an African American

talented young man, Michael Daniels, 24, who’s the son of a long line of Baptist ministers. He

feels a strong inclination towards recording secular music, which conflicts with his religious

teachings and the goals that are being forced upon him by his family. When Michael is caught

singing in a nightclub by his father, Reverend Jasper Daniels, all hell breaks loose.

Another logline:

Logline: A young man runs away from his highly devout family, and his fiancée, to

unshackle himself from their desires.

Synopsis/Overview:

Three weeks before his wedding to Veronica, Michael’s feelings about his family begin to

bubble over. He comes from a family of devout reverends and pastors who want him to follow in

their footsteps, but scold him when he delivers a sermon that doesn’t suit their stricter

bible interpretations. His father discovers that he has started performing non-secular

music at a nightclub and the ensuing argument results in physical violence. He leaves the family,

and Veronica, and goes to live with his cousin Cookie in Los Angeles. Cookie “owns” a nightclub,

where he introduces Michael to Jasmine, who takes a shine to him. They start up a relationship, and

she convinces him to sing at her party, where he is noticed by talent scouts. Back in Atlanta, the

wedding is cancelled. Veronica finds out that she has developed cancer and begins undergoing

chemotherapy. Michael’s father goes to Los Angeles to try and reconcile with Michael but finds

him living with Jasmine and becomes apoplectic.

Michael wins American Idol, while Veronica becomes despondent about his abandonment. The night

before her surgery, her mother contacts his mother, who contacts him and tells him about the

cancer. He immediately gets a flight back to Atlanta but is too late to see her before she goes

under. He argues back against his father and forces him to realize that his judgements

are unholy by the bible. He talks to Veronica while she is out, and although she nearly dies, she

is sent back to the living when God declares there is more for her to do.

Michael breaks up with Jasmine and commits himself to Veronica again, who decides to marry him

against her mother’s misgivings. Michael gets a record deal with one of Jasmine’s contacts and the

family celebrates his success as he plans to move to California with Veronica.

[Demethress Davis]

Hi Nadine,

I like your concept and would like to know if you’d be interested in working with me – I’m working on a thriller and will rewrite my One Page tonight so you can get a better sense of the story. Lmk.

Deme

[Nadine Weathersby]

Indeed. I’d love to exchange ideas and learn from you. My phone number is 213-610-6167

[Demethress Davis]

Hi Nadine,

Great! My number is 646-512-0242.

I see that Jaye has already posted Assignment 2 but mine says its not available until tomorrow…Did you receive an email from for Assignment 2?

Deme

[Nadine Weathersby]

I have no e-mail or have I ever in my last classes. This system needs some tweaking. Thanks for your number. I’m busy on Friday nights. Assignment 2 was, “Once you’ve posted your assignment, partner up and critique at least one other person’s work.”

I guess we are planning this now, but I do we show it? would it be posting comments in Forum?

Help!!!

[Nadine Weathersby]

I just read the part where it says look for a “Partner UP Here for Feedback” forum. It’s suppose to be up.

[Demethress Davis]

Hi Nadine,

I guess we can post under Assignment 2 once we have written our critiques if you can talk that would be good and then We can post what we spoke on…

I am off Sun-Mon. Work at Delta Air LInes as a Safety Auditor…lots of walking around for 8 hrs; observing things/ people. I fell out last night so hopefully you and I can talk on Sunday if that is ok for you. I am going to leave my Mini Movie One Page breakdown as is for now and would be happy in our discussion to fill in any questions you may have.

Lmk what time is best for you? And if another day is better?

[Demethress Davis]

Hi Nadine, it was good talking with you today. Below is what we discussed:

I think you have a good story here. I see the Opening- the Middle and the Resolution.

As we discussed I am looking forward to seeing the conflicts younchoose for your main character, Michael and how his character arc is formed and played out.

I think the tension between his father and Michael will make good dialogue into who they really are and what changes in their relationship, if any, develop as Michael pursues his destiny. Will he be bullied into following in his father’s footsteps or break out and do his own thing and how will this affect his relationships.

His love for Veronica has been put on hold when he goes to LA and it seems Jasmaine is trying to make her mark on him. This relationship will cause tension as well I’m sure.

I’m interested in seeing how you work that all out.

Thanks for sharing.

Deme

[Nadine Weathersby]

I work on Sundays, I am a Staff Minister. I often go to lunch and socialize after. What about 6PM PST, Sunday, or Monday during the day if that works better. My day is open Monday. Texting me is better to communicate. I’m not always at my computer, and signing in on my iphone to get your messages has been a challenge. I need to get the problem sorted out. It doesn’t recognize my password.

[Marina Shron]

Not sure where we’re supposed to post the revised one-pager… So posting it here.

The Image Makers

by Marina Shron

A feature screenplay

Genre: Geopolitical/Psychological Thriller

Logline:

An American war photographer with a dark secret in her past becomes entangled in her accidental lover’s investigation of a CIA renegade operation in Afghanistan circa 2001 and must risk her life and her family legacy to save him and atone for her past.

Synopsis

Sarah Hauser comes from a conservative political dynasty. A daughter of a late US Republican senator David Hauser Sr, she learned from an early age not to trust appearances… not even her own.

Now 33, she bides her time in Kabul, working on photospread for Esquire Magazine and escaping her mess of a personal life. She’s as passionate about her work — always searching for a perfect frame — even while photographing a dismembered female body at a bombing site. She seems aloof, devoid of feeling… but behind her detachment, we sense a desperate strive to capture the very essence of death with her camera.

Sarah’s notoriety attracts a host of a popular Afghan TV talk show who invites her for a live studio interview. Omar Khaled is a London-educated journalist and a religious zealot, a brooding contradiction not unlike Sarah herself. There’s a spark between the two – and it’s no surprise that they begin an affair. But their first night takes an unexpected turn when Omar gets a call from Gene Burr, a former CIA interrogator at the Salt Pit, a black site near Kabul – with a promise of some groundbreaking information that concerns Omar’s brother who was imprisoned Salt Pit and died there under suspicious circumstances…Sarah joins Omar, and together, they rush to Burr’s house only to find it empty… However, unbeknownst to Sarah, Omar finds a videotape left in a VCR slot, depicting his brother’s interrogation by Burr… As he rushes home to watch the tape, Sarah spends a restless night in her hotel, haunted by a disturbing dream. In the morning, she finds out that Omar has been arrested, accused of Burr’s murder. He leaves behind a note for Sarah and the videotape as proof of his innocence.

At the first glance, the tape seems to implicate Omar by giving him a motive. Yet Sarah refuses to believe he’s a murderer. She enlists Said, her Afghan fixer to translate the interrogation tape. Quickly, they realize there’s more to it than hits the eye – during the interrogation, Omar’s brother confesses to being a CIA informer. But before they get to the end of the tape, a professional assassin breaks into Said’s apartment… Said is killed while helping Sarah to escape. Deeply shaken by the experience, Sarah flees back to New York, determined to uncover the truth behind the deadly videotape.

Meanwhile, in New York, agent Gibbs, the director of the CIA Special Ops, installs the surveillance equipment in her apartment. Gibbs is in charge of the cover-up, his single objective is to retrieve the tape – and he’s under pressure from his superior to get the job done quickly.

When back in New York, Sarah and her former girlfriend Matty, an editor of a major newspaper, watch the tape to the end – they make another startling discovery about Ahmed’s mission — he was paid by someone at the CIA to help Bin Laden escape during the operation in Tora Bora.

The game of cat and mouth ensues. Hunted by Gibbs, Ahmed’s handler at the time, and his elusive superior, Sarah struggles to get to the bottom of the conspiracy while Gibbs is doing his best to obtain the tape… When she manages to track him and confront him – Gibbs tells her some semblance of truth and promises to realize Omar in exchange for her cooperation. Limited in her options, Sarah, instead, asks her estranged brother David for help.

There’s some bad blood between the two… We realize that David was involved in Sarah’s “accident” in Amsterdam, the flashes of which – half-memories, half-dreams – keep haunting her ever since she met Omar. The two meet and have a poignant reunion… It seems David has a different, perhaps a more lucid – and more troubling — memory of the event… But he refuses to share it with Sarah.

He’s not keen on getting involved in Sarah’s present quest either – not until he realizes her life is threatened. He devises a plan that would convince his Republican boss, a powerful figure in the government, to open an official investigation into the CIA conspiracy of both past and present… Sarah is relieved. There’s finally hope for her and Omar.

While David takes the tape to his boss Finley, Gibbs is digging into Sarah and David’s past, trying to find some compromising material he can use as leverage… His efforts pay off when he makes an unexpected discovery connecting the siblings to a gruesome murder in Amsterdam.

Turns out that the man that haunts Sarah in her dreams did exist. He was a Black jazz musician from Yemen who took her and her brother under his wing after they were robbed in Amsterdam. … Sarah and David’s drug-induced paranoia got the best of them – resulting in the man’s horrific death. And their father uses his influence to stop the investigation. The only remaining record of the event is an old Leica camera with unprocessed film inside Sarah and David left on the scene of the crime.

Gibbs gets a hold of the camera and confronts Sarah with the images depicted on film, prompting her to recover the full memory of the event — her night of the soul. She’s crushed by guilt, but she wants to protect David… As she negotiates with Gibbs the terms of her surrendering the tape, she receives yet another blow — David has been killed in a deadly car crash – and Finley, the man he trusted, is the one who ordered him dead… It was him, Finley, all alone, Gibbs reveals to her, who was in charge of the renegade operation back in 2001. He’s Gibb’s elusive boss.

It is clear that Finley has ta decided to take matters into his hands – and Gibbs, shocked by David’s death, is ready to turn the tables on his boss. But once again, Finley manages to beat him at his game. He blames the renegade operation along with the cover-up on his former associate and stages Gibb’s suicide.

With Gibbs gone, Sarah makes a desperate if not suicidal decision — she confronts Finley with a live stream camera attached to her body. Their showdown goes viral, but before the feds arrive – just in time to save her life — Finley implicates her late father as the real mastermind of the devious renegade operation – the man that he, Finley, had been answering to.

In the film’s epilogue, Sarah is back in Kabul, at Omar’s studio. He’s been released from jail, invigorated by a newly found political ambition to become a savior of his country. Their reunion is bitter-sweet, marred by excruciating pain Sarah can no longer escape. Saving Omar was her way of reckoning for taking the life of an innocent man… but she’s far from having found redemption. She’s condemned to live with her guilt – feeling that man’s presence next to her every day of her life.

[Rachel Morgan]

Hi Marina,

I like this story. It’s Jason Bourne meets George Smiley. It’s such a complicated story that condensing it into a one-page synopsis is extremely difficult without cutting important characters and plot twists. I like the many shades of grey among the characters. And I like the European ending. Dorothy can’t return to Kansas.

[Rachel Morgan]

It took a while to edit the One-Pager. It was a challenge to condense the plot and characters to such a short space.

Title: The Nautilus File

Logline: In 1951 New York, a detective’s world spins out of control after he bungles two murder cases. Suspended, he fights to redeem himself, but his investigation places him in the crosshairs of a Soviet spy ring and at odds with the FBI.

Synopsis: The context is the Cold War, the Red Scare and McCarthyism. The story focuses on Det. Robert Stoughton – a veteran who became a cop hoping to recapture the sense of mission he felt during the war. But he has hidden wounds – PTSD, nightmares and anger issues.

The story opens with Stoughton saving the life of a boy. We see his sense of duty and drive to do the right thing. The inciting event is the death of a professor after a visit by a mysterious Canadian named Clark. Stoughton investigates. The evidence points to suicide and hints the prof was a communist. Stoughton has doubts but no evidence of a murder and no suspects.

Meanwhile, a naval officer ferrets plans of the new nuclear sub – Nautilus – out of Groton Naval Base. Clark, who heads a Soviet spy ring, is blackmailing him. The FBI are unaware Clark is stealing Nautilus secrets. They think he’s a double agent helping them obtain secret Soviet codes. But Clark is playing his own game.

Stoughton wants to continue investigating the prof’s death but is assigned to the murder of a young woman. This subplot channels themes of the main story – justice and loyalty. Based on shaky evidence, Stoughton reluctantly arrests a Polish man who fled to the U.S. to build a life for his family. Despite Stoughton’s efforts to delay a trial, the Pole is convicted and executed.

New evidence exonerates the dead Pole. But when a distraught Stoughton tries to arrest two men for the murder, he’s thwarted by his own department. The suspects are police informers and protected by senior officers. Furious at the injustice, Stoughton brawls with other officers and is suspended. With his faith in himself and his department in tatters, Stoughton goes home drunk to his furious wife. He discovers she has been having an affair. The marriage over, Stoughton moves into a tiny apartment where he spirals into depression. That’s when the dad of the boy he saved turns up at his door. The dad’s words restore Stoughton’s faith in himself.

He cleans himself up and resumes the investigation into the prof’s death. He finds a hidden list of names and notes in code. These lead him to the spy ring and Clark. The FBI intervenes and orders Stoughton to leave Clark alone. But Stoughton persists. He discovers Clark’s link to the stolen Nautilus plans and evidence that Clark killed the prof. Before Stoughton can bring Clark to justice, Clark ambushes him. The pair fight. Stoughton overcomes Clark but barely survives.

In the epilogue, Stoughton leads the FBI to the traitorous naval officer. The dead prof is cleared of any hint of being a traitor. The conviction of the Polish man is overturned, and his family is granted citizenship. Stoughton’s dedication to his country and to uncovering the truth is rewarded when he is reinstated into the police force with the knowledge that he is the good man he hoped to be and has found his mission.

[Marina Shron]

Rachel, great nob with the rewrite – I think I posted my response in the wrong place:)

[Rachel Morgan]

Hi Marina,

Your words of advise are encouraging. Thanks.

[Marina Shron]

Rachel,

One question I still have is who is the main antagonist – is it Clark? Or the naval officer? I a bit confused about the officer’s connection to the plot. Perhaps that part could be simplified.

Any thoughts on my revised one-pager?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Marina Shron.

[Demethress Davis]

This is my attempt to create a better ONE PAGE as opposed to the breakdown of the Mini Movie structure I posted originally.

Title: The Devil’s PunchBowl

Logline: Henry, a light skinned Black man is taken in by a White Supremacist intent on killing him.

The movie opens with a photo history of freed Black slaves in The Devil’s Punchbowl, Natchez, Mississippi. We fade into present day to a small predominantly White town called Alemeda, Ga.

It’s the middle of the Covid-19 pandemic and tragedy befalls upon HENRY, a light-skinned black man. In his grief, depression sets in, Henry looses his job and home and he travels to Alemeda and lives as a homeless man in a park, begging daily for food and work.

Henry is taken in by the town’s Good Samaritan, LILLIAN, who gives him room and board in exchange for Henry doing work around her home and for the neighbors in the cul de sac where she lives.

One evening, Henry attends an AA meeting but his demons of shame and guilt make it hard for him to open up to the group.

One night, Henry is awaken by muffled cries for help and when he investigates he witnesses men and women in white hoods and robes surrounding a large hole in the backwoods behind Lillian’s house. They are tossing bodies wrapped in sheets into the hole. Startled and shocked he lets out a cry and barely escapes being caught.

Henry is introduced to SAM, PAUL and JEWEL, Lillian’s neighbors who riddle him with question about how he came to be in their small country town. Henry evades the truth and blames the loss of his job and family on COVID-19. Feeling sorry, Jewel invites him over and they begin a friendship.

Henry visits the local library where he discovers and researches his great great grandfather’s history. He was a slave from Natchez, Mississippi and when freed chose to leave and live in Alemeda, GA. Henry learns more about the Devil’s Punchbowl in Natchez, Mississippi. He learns of the KKK presence in Alemeda, GA.

When Sam has an accident in his garage, Henry helps him. Sam tells Henry, he needs to get away from Lillian, he must leave Alemeda NOW before it’s too late. Before Henry can get clarity, Lillian and Jewel arrive and Sam goes mute.

Next day Sam goes missing.

BLM protestors march in town and Henry watches as a small riot occurs and he helps a black woman protestor who is caught in a stampede. He returns to Lillian’s and again hears cries for help in the backwoods.

While working in the house, Henry finds a locked room and Lillian confronts him telling him it’s locked for a reason—“IT’S OFF LIMITS!”

Later, Henry asks Jewel to help him get access to the room.

After discovering Lillian’s father was the head of the KKK chapter in Alemeda, Henry works in the attic and finds more information of Lillian’s role in the Alemeda KKK’s chapter. She is took over her father’s role after his death. In his jubilation Henry jumps on a weak beam and fall through the ceiling. When he awakes in the hospital, he is missing an eye.

Flashbacks of The Devil’s Punchbowl are revisited depicting the suffering , sickness and deaths of the “freed black slaves”.

Henry’s recurring nightmares of the night he lost his family and is awaken by cries for help. He goes to the hole and witnesses yet another murder, this one more horrific than the last – this body is set on fire as the people cheer.

Lillian holds a party for former boarders she helped as a Good Samaritan and everyone is missing a body part.

Henry and Jewel have a heart to heart and she reveals the truth of her family history – parents were members of the KKK and she has been helping Lillian recruit others to lure Blacks and others who sympathize with them to get other people of color to do Lillian’s bidding and if they don’t they loose a body part or get thrown into The Devil’s Punchbowl and burned. She was raised to hate but when she had a Black boyfriend in HS and her parents learned of it, she was punished and the Black boy was hurt badly.

Henry joins a BLM protest march and is kidnapped – he escapes but not before confirming that Lillian was behind the kidnapping.

Jewel invites Henry over for dinner and drugs him. When he awakens Lillian is standing by with a lethal injection. Before she gives it to him, she tells him she knew all along that he was a Black man (“Nigger”) passing for a White man. She belittles him and calls him a coward.

Henry tells her he knows her secret, but before he can tell her, Jewel hits Lillian over the head with a shovel.

Wanting to trust Jewel, Henry enlists her help to return to the Devil’s Punchbowl to see if there are any survivors. Henry tells Jewel to take two people to hospital and call the FBI – not the local police. Henry hopes she does.

Henry returns to the house to get Lillian and wait for the FBI but she is not there. He is ambushed by Lillian’s henchmen and taken to the Devil’s Punchbowl where Henry reveals Lillian’s secret- Her mother was Black. Lillian is unaware of her history and a fight ensues between Lillian and Henry as he enlightens Lillian about her history. Lillian goes ballistic and just when it seems like Henry is a goner, the FBI arrives and Henry is the victor.

Henry speaks at the AA meeting. He tells his story and that he has overcome his guilt. He tells Jewel he will be there for her when she is out of prison. He returns to NYC to be reunited with his son who is now out of a coma.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Demethress Davis.

[Nadine Weathersby]

Assignment Two- Partner up with Deme, and Critique.This is a good story with exciting subtext, I had a few questions which were answered and I got clarity. One was who told Jewel to call the FBI.