-
Day 1 Assignments
Reply to post your assignments.
-
69 Replies
-
What I learned is this task (if I did it right) is that it requires succinctly defining major turning points.
Logline: Based on real events this gritty account follows a fighter pilot in Vietnam struggling to survive bureaucracy, flawed weapons, a deadly enemy and inner demons that just might be the worst of all.
Title: The Last Dogfight.
Genre: Action, Drama.
A fledgling fighter pilot’s reckless hubris demotes him from pilot to the backseat of the F-4 Phantom. He’s sent to a fighter wing in Thailand. His bitter arrogance alienates him from the pilots. Only his former backseater Butch tolerates his rants. He’s assigned to sit behind the top pilot, callsign Prof. On their first mission an avoidable midair of two Phantoms kills Butch and three other pilots. Subconsciously he blames himself for not being in the front seat but outside he blames anyone with a higher rank all the way up to the President. While morning his friend he gets drunk and decks an officer. While in the brig awaiting dishonorable discharge. Prof visits the C.O. and convinces the Colonel to give him a last chance. But his shitty attitude remains making Prof wonder if he’s made a mistake. On a night mission they shoot down a Mig. Jubilation is cut short when a fuel leak makes it unlikely they’ll make it back. They just make it home. The officers club celebrates and he’s anointed the callsign Chance. During the party he bumps into an intelligence officer named Rita. The two become involved. He again finds himself in the brig after crashing Prof’s car through the base gate. After two close friends are killed Prof begins to question the validity of the war. His best friend and roommate, a gung ho Wild Weasel Pilot, callsign Mad, does his best to bring him back to the fold. This time Rita comes to Chance’s defense explaining that they crashed the gate rushing to save a local child who was hit by a jeep full of drunk airman. The largest air campaign of the war is ordered. The sparse flight line is now overflowing with aircraft and personal. Rita doesn’t have time to ponder why Chance has blown her off. But when she discovers she’s pregnant things get complicated. During the big mission they’re shot down and presumed dead. Refusing to believe Chance is dead Rita goes weeks without sleep to find evidence he’s alive. To get her off his back, Mad flies over the crash site one last time and hears Chance’s faint voice over the emergency frequency. An unprecedented rescue mission is launched. He’s saved. 45 years later the remains of a missing fighter pilot are brought home. All the characters are in attendance of Prof’s funeral.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by Greg Kanaga.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by Greg Kanaga.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by Greg Kanaga.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by Greg Kanaga.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by Greg Kanaga. Reason: Rewrite Logline
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by Greg Kanaga.
-
Hi Greg. I liked your One Page. Fighter pilot movies are one of my favorite Action genres. The Logline and Synopsis hit all the pertinent points and tell the story. Although, at first, I thought the logline was actually for “Top Gun”. It doesn’t seem to fit the Logline conventions and format.
Unfortunately, I already paired up with someone else. Good luck.
David.
-
Thanks David. I just rewrote the logline. Bummer your taken. Regardless, any comments are welcome.
Greg
-
Happy to, as I come across them.
-
-
-
How are you guys posting to each other, when I hit reply it’s not working. Help please?
-
Hi Diana,
There are two Reply buttons: the red one on the far right and then a white one for each conversation block. You’d want the white one to contact an individual.
-
Thank you Susan. It’s confusing because when I hit the white button it says “reply to: cheryl croasmun”, so I wasn’t sure where it would end up. This forum looks very different to me than the ones we used in class. Thanks again!
-
It does say that! I hadn’t noticed. 🙂 But it looks like it’s working now? I think this is a brand new format for the classes, so there still might be some kinks to work out, I suppose.
-
Yes, this is very different than we used before. Oh well, good to keep learning. Thanks for your help.
-
-
-
-
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by
-
Leo Sopicki Logline and One Page
What I’ve Learned: You can make a script that you like better: I’ve already turned my logline on its head. I wrote this script in another SU course, but it needs to be better. I am committed to turning it into one of those amazing scripts Hal talked about.
DEAD SOLDIERS – Horror
Acadia, an Army widow who runs a music school in New Orleans, has her school and students threatened by Fabien, a twisted vampire king. Though an unbeliever, in desperation, she lets a Voodoo Queen raise her husband from the dead. Together they lead a zombie army against the vampires to try and save her students.
DEAD SOLDIERS
Horror genre by Leo Sopicki
Acadia runs a music school for poor kids in New Orleans and is happily married to her soldier husband. He is killed in combat. After the funeral, Acadia and her assistant, Bianca, return to find the inside of the music school vandalized, with threats written on the wall.
Mysterious and hurtful things continue to happen at the school and Acadia is ready to give up and sell out. She tells Bianca that if only Ben was there, he’d know what to do. Bianca reveals her voodoo past and offers to bring back Ben as a zombie. Acadia suspects Bianca is crazy and fires her.
Acadia contacts the police, who dismiss the incident as pointless vandalism, except for one detective who suspects something more. Fabien, the owner of the gentlemen’s club down the street from the school, wants Acadia’s property. He cajoles and threatens. Acadia’s students and their parents do not want her to leave. Out of desperation she contacts the clergy, but no one is of any help.
Out of desperation, she seeks out Bianca and agrees to Bianca’s plan. First Bianca brings back Ben and together they try and defeat the threat, but Ben discovers his zombie body is not as strong as his human body was and fails in an attempt to destroy the vampires.
Ben convinces Acadia and Bianca to bring back his military relatives going back to the revolutionary war. She does. After some convincing, they join Ben in an attack on Fabien.
Acadia and Ben’s attack fails because his relatives fight among themselves, and the attack falls apart.
Acadia and Ben reorganize their zombie army and prepare for one more attack. Their efforts are interrupted by increasingly evil attacks by Fabien, one by one destroying things Acadia thought she was fighting for.
Fabien sends a message to Acadia that he has all the children captive, and he will only release them if Acadia signs over her property and sets off a bomb during a Mardi Gras parade.
Acadia, Ben, and his Zombie relatives launch a rescue mission/attack on the vampires. They fight a night-long battle over the kids. In order to save them Acadia sets off an explosive, collapsing a roof, letting in the sunshine, roasting the vampires, but burying herself under the rubble and dying.
Ben mourns over Acadia at her wake. Bianca intervenes again to bring back Acadia, but the ceremony is interrupted by the one vampire that survived. Ben defeats him, but Acadia’s body burns, and she cannot be reanimated. Bianca release Ben from his zombified body.
At Acadia’s funeral, we see the children safe, and we see Ben and Acadia in spirit form as they reunite to the music of a ghostly jazz band whose members resemble past Jazz greats.
-
Love this story and the whole supernatural aspect of New Orleans, there is a lot there. Only thing minor with the one page is that it’s not mentioned about Fabien being a vampire. I know it’s mentioned in the logline, this could confuse the reader. But overall great idea and would love to read the script.
-
Good catch. The logline and one-page should be able to stand alone. Thanks.
-
-
-
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is…there is a process that allows rewriting and one does not depend on intuition.
Subject: David Mailman’s Logline and One Page!
The title of my script is:
Treasures of the Santa Elena.
The logline is:
A bullied, eighteen-year-old, must solve the mystery of a treasure map, or his family will be murdered by a Cult of religious psychopaths.It’s a family, action film with a realistic story about young adults rising to a challenge. It’s like “Treasure Island” meets the “Karate Kid”.
The story starts with the history. A treasure ship, The Santa Elena, belongs to the Spanish Inquisition. She sinks in the Gulf of Mexico in a storm. Her navigator is one of the few survivors and he has the only map of where the ship went down. The Inquisition sends its most fanatic priests to get the map, but a family of Cajuns finds it first. They steal the map and murder the navigator.
Now the story switches to the present-day. Paul’s father died heroically. People keep throwing that heroism in Paul’s face and he has become afraid to try anything. He retreats into his first love, books.
When Paul turns eighteen, his uncle Jack tells him about their family history and their search for Santa Elena. Paul’s family has the map of the ship’s location, but there’s some secret and the treasure is still lost.
A vicious Cult, descended from the Inquisitors is also searching. Once Paul becomes involved, it’s kill-or-be-killed. Paul’s antagonist is the Grand Inquisitor, a religious fanatic dedicated to returning the Spanish Inquisition to its position of power. He needs the treasure to get that.
After several skirmishes, the battle between Paul’s family and the Cult begins. Paul is brutally attacked. His mother and Sandy, his girlfriend, are kidnapped but Sandy rescues them. Sandy has an active role in this story. There’s a subplot with Sandy, who’s Black, and racism in their Louisiana town.
Paul thinks he has solved the secret of the map. He sabotages the Cult’s boat and his crew set off. Their search fails. The crew breaks up, angry at Paul for the wild goose chase. Then the Cult frames Paul for a break-in at his school to copy SAT exams. He’s expelled. He takes it out on his girlfriend Sandy, and they break up.
Paul hits bottom. He goes to make up with his Uncle Jack. But Jack has been kidnapped by the Cult. Paul reorganizes his old crew and rescues Jack after a back-and-forth battle with the Cult at their eerie bayou haunt.
Paul is now the Grand Inquisitor’s vendetta. In the dark of night, he sneaks into Paul’s bedroom, and with both hands on his dagger, he plunges it into Paul’s heart. But it’s only a dream and seeing the Inquisitor in his ancient robes triggers something Paul read, and he cracks the real secret of the map.
The crew sets out again. They reach their location and dive for days. It’s another failure. Then they’re attacked by the Cult. The Cult attracts sharks to the divers by dumping buckets of animal blood into the water. The battle swings one way and then another until the Cult is defeated. The Grand Inquisitor, seeing his dreams vanish, pours blood on himself, jumps into the water, and is eaten by sharks. The rest of the Cult is arrested by the Coast Guard.
Paul’s crew is exhausted. They want to quit. Paul encourages them to one last try and they find the treasure. But a wicked act of betrayal threatens the treasure and their lives. The outcome is in doubt.
There is a happy ending. Paul ends up with Sandy, friends, confidence, and the gold. All the Treasures of the Santa Elena.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by David Mailman.
-
Hey David! I like your concept. Would you like to exchange feedback with me?
-
David – your story concept really grabbed my attention and your Logline appears to accurately reflects the story. My suggestions to sharpen up the Logline are as follows: “A bullied teenager must solve the mystery of a(n inherited?) treasure map in order to save his family from murder at the hands of a cult of religious psychopaths descended from the Spanish Inquisition.”
Patti
-
I had a logline like this but I left out the Spanish Inquisition because I felt it was too long. I’ll put it back in.
-
I think “Spanish Inquisition” is a real attention grabber, and it differentiates this cult from all the run-of-the-mill religious cults, without the need for any explanations.
-
Agreed. It conveys immediate recognition and violent history.
-
-
-
-
Hi David – I keep going back and reading the instructions for the assignment, trying to make sure I’m clear on them, and for the One Page they are “Present your current story in one page, giving us an overview of <font face=”inherit”>the story, not the details.” For a writer, I think this is one of the more difficult steps, because we always want to include all the rich details that make the story come to life. That said, I’m thinking that you’ve </font>probably<font face=”inherit”> gone into an abundance of detail in the One Page, rather than the broad strokes of the concept. I’ll send an email with my suggestions for your consideration. </font>
<font face=”inherit”>Patti</font>
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by
-
Althea’s Good Soil log line and One Page
What I learned from this lesson is that it takes restraint to condense a story to its basic plot. I will have to review some of the characters because I see now that the story can be complete without them.
Good Soil log line
Missing her deceased mother, desperate to grow up and insure her nemeses’ mother is not her father’s love interest, a plant-loving middle schooler secretly plays matchmaker by creating a profile on a popular dating app and orchestrating multiple dates for her widowed father without his knowledge.Summary
Roberta(Bobbie) a plant-loving middle schooler overhears the new girl, nemesis, Monaglenn, and crew disparage her style and call her lack of make up “pitiful.” Bobbie responds by trying out make up but forgets to remove it before coming to the table for dinner. Her father, Robert Gladden, a Neurosurgeon and New York times best selling author of The Love Spot, overreacts. Bobbie runs to the plant room where she feels closest to her mother, Evie a botanist, deceased 2 years. Bobbie cries and a tear falls into the soil of a potted sunflower, (Aloysius, Al). Al comes to life and talks to Bobbie. Only Bobbie can see Al.
Though Robert apologizes to Bobbie for his out burst, Bobbie still believes the path to more independence, Kendrick, her dream boyfriend and insuring her nemeses’ mother isn’t her father’s love interest, is to give her father someone else to focus on. After seeing a commercial for The One dating app and against Al’s advice, Bobbie secretly creates Robert’s dating profile and orchestrates multiple dates without her father being aware.
Bobbie comes along on the first date she arranges. She is confronted by the app developer (Adira), who is there to spy on the date because she suspects that Robert’s date has lied on her profile. Adira overhears Bobbie saying she created the profile without her father’s knowledge. Bobbie does not come clean.
At church youth meeting, Bobbie defends herself from Devonte and gains the attention of Kendrick who is having a party this coming weekend. Bobbie and her bestie Dee are invited but Bobbie is on punishment for fighting at church and told she cannot go to the party.
Bobbie invites all of Robert’s previous dates to come to Robert’s reading and book signing. The book signing and Kendrick’s party are scheduled at the same time.
Against Al’s pleading, Bobbie goes to the party. There she has her first kiss with Kendrick and defends Monaglenn who is inebriated. Bobbie recognizes the need for an adult and calls her father’s assistant who sees to it that Monaglenn gets home and takes Bobbie to Robert’s book signing where a fight has broken out among Robert’s previous dates.
Bobbie makes a public apology which is interrupted by an emergency call for Robert from the hospital. Adira also gets a call from the hospital. Her father has been admitted.
Robert is his doctor and he meets Adira when giving the medical report . Her father will make a full recovery and comments on what a good looking couple the two of them make.
When Bobbie gets home, she apologizes again to Robert and tells him about Al talking to her. Al now has released sunflower seeds and is dead. She learns that her mother could hear plants talk as well.
At church, Monaglenn apologizes and wants to be friends. Robert, Adira, Bobbie and Kendrick enjoy a picnic. Observing, unseen is a smiling Evie holding a fully restored Al.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by Althea McPhail. Reason: add title
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Althea McPhail.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by
-
Tom Stingley has learned to see beginning middle and end on one page.
MIRACLES HAPPEN
LOGLINE: A restless 22 year old black veteran is UNHAPPY with his life in America so he tried to return to Europe for a better life. After overcoming many life threatening situations, he finds hope and purpose in the USA.
One Page: Opening scene; BIRDSEYE VIEW SHOWING DESTRUCTION DAYS AFTER Watts riots caused by Dr. King’s assassination. Things have just settled down and The protagonist, Ray Benton, 22, a troubled veteran, new to California dressed in an old fatigue jacket and weathered jeans is wandering on Hollywood blvd hungry and looking for food. He pats his large Afro as entering a Pioneer Chicken outlet for some hot crunchy deep fried bird. Two plain clothes detectives come in behind him mumbling racial slurs about his hair. Ray turns to confront the two perps. Dick one shows his badge as Dick two grabs a handful of Rays jacket forcing him to face a wall and spread eagle to be searched. They cuff Ray and escort him to the back seat of their private car. The driver turns off Hollywood Blvd to a side street as Dick two badgers Ray for the obvious pleasure he derives from mistreating young black men. Ray in anger curses Dick two for violating his rights and receives a fist to his head firmly demonstrating his rights mean nothing to LAPD. They pull over and drag Ray out of the car, beat him mercilessly and drive to Van Nuys police dept. Before locking him up without charging him for anything, they stop by the dispensary conveniently located across the parking lot from the station. The doctor checks his closed eyes and bloody face for injuries and releases him for lock down.
The next day they release him apologizing for the Dicks mistaking Ray for someone else. Ray stagers to his motel wanting to kill for being beaten without cause. Unable to go to work in his condition he tells a familiar street walker that if he had a gun he would kill those two pigs. She returns to Rays room an hour later with a stub nose .38 and twelve bullets. Ray battles with the idea of violating this crime against man and God so he leaves L.A. for the Bay Area to avoid murder or the greater possibility of being murdered.
It was an early spring day in 1969 when Ray decided to quit his job at Montgomery Wards. Fed up with America, the rumors of a revolution, and no future selling vacs and sewing machines he walks out the door without looking back. He packed everything that would fit into his 1969 new Chevy Malibu and left the San Francisco Bay Area heading east to New York City, aka The Big Apple. His plan was to sell his 1969 Chevy in New York then fly first class to Amsterdam, Holland.
The day he arrives in New York his 1969 Chevy Malibu with expired insurance and only 4840 miles is stolen. His passport and everything he needs to complete the trip to paradise was in that car. Now stranded with only what was in his pockets, (not much), he is flabbergasted.
Ray manages to get a job across the street from the Empire State Building. This afforded him a room at the YMCA and a drug habit. Heroin was cheap and additive. When man walked on the moon that July, 1969, Ray Benton couldn’t walk on earth. He overdosed but miraculously by the Grace of God did not die. The overdose was the last straw for living in New York, he hitches a ride to his parent’s home, a suburb of Chicago. While doing his Buddhist chanting in the basement, his Grandma Mary interrupts him and asked him why was he talking to the devil?
He leaves a nice suburban home to hitchhike to San Francisco facing many life threatening experiences on a 3 day trip that became a 3 month terrifying journey. Overcoming the many life threatening experiences proves to him that God is real, miracles happen, and America is home.
-
Hey Tom! I like your page one. Would you like to exchange feedback with me?
-
Hey Gregory, sure we can exchange feedback.
-
Gregory’s feedback for Tom
Title: MIRACLES HAPPEN
– Before I read your logline I thought this was a Christmas movie. You may want to brainstorm other titles that better reflect your concept. If you come up with 20-30 alternate titles, one or two from that list are bound to be better than what you currently have
LOGLINE: A restless 22 year old black veteran is UNHAPPY with his life in America so he tried to return to Europe for a better life. After overcoming many life threatening situations, he finds hope and purpose in the USA.
– “Overcoming many life threatening situations” is too vague. The big event is that he gets strained in New York so maybe mention that here. But then how goes his goal(s) change after that and what gets in his way? Who is the antagonist?
One page critique:
You have a good strong conflict (albeit with a lot of detail) at the beginning of your story along with a possible romantic interest in Act 1, but then both disappear. What’s the conflict in Acts 2&3? I understand he struggles with drug addiction but you really need an external source of conflict in the heart of your story. Maybe a racist New York Police Captain with a whole squadron of goons with badges who’s not only out to get Ray but after other individuals he’s branded as Black Panther revolutionaries? And it might be worth developing that street walker character. Does she turn up in New York and become a romantic interest for Ray?
You have hints of a good transformational journey but it’s a bit weak. If Ray starts off as a skeptical atheist then he would have room to grow. In fact, maybe he approaches the racist cops in LA, gun in hand, with intent to kill them but when some other beaten black victim of theirs beats Ray to the punch! This way Ray didn’t actually commit murder but he was in the state of mind where he was about to do so. Then in the end he’s achieved inner peace, a far cry from where he started.
Finally, Ray should meet someone in New York at the beginning of Act 2 who influences him greatly. Maybe this person is the one who turns Ray onto Buddhism in the first place and he could be the one who wants Ray to get clean. Perhaps he could also have Ray’s back during said conflicts with racist New York cops. This new character would therefore be the change agent during the course of Ray’s transformational journey and your screenplay would really benefit from a supporting character like that.
Hope this helped!
Greg
-
-
Do we reply in email or here?
-
I opted to post my feedback here on the forums so other people could read it if they want. If you want to email me at gkman117@gmail.com you can.
-
-
BTW there is a love interest in Amsterdam and in San Francisco. When Ray doesn’t make it back to Michelle in Amsterdam he reunites with Delores in SF.
-
-
-
Judith’s Logline and One Page
Lesson 1 – Professional Rewrite
What I’ve learned is to do the assignments without fussing about them and keep moving forward.
LOGLINE for REUNION: When an estranged sister arrives pretending union, her unsuspecting sibling welcomes her with open arms only to discover her sister has evil intentions.
ONE PAGE…
REUNION is a story about sibling rivalry. Rachel, the older sister of foster child, Emily, resented Emily from the day she arrived, on Rachel’s birthday. They had an on again, off again, relationship and after they became adults, parted ways.
Emily wanted to be sisters and wrote Rachel over the years asking for reconciliation. Emily’s only contact with their mom was over the phone and in the last year, not even that. Rachel moved her to a new nursing home and didn’t inform Emily where.
On the night of Emily’s art show at the Mason Gallery, Rachel shows up pretending to want to renew their relationship and become a family. She tells Emily she and mom talked it over and it is foolish to be apart and Christmas time is a good time to reunite.
Emily agrees even over the protests of her husband Eugene who doesn’t like Rachel from the moment he meets her. The sisters plan fun times together. Everything is going well. Emily even talks with mom over the phone for the first time in one year.
Then it happens, Detective Thomas shows up proclaiming that mom and Rachel were killed in a house fire. Emily is stunned and tells him how can that be she and Rachel have been planning Christmas together.
She tells the Detective where Rachel is staying, and he makes plans to contact her. However, Emily decides to confront Rachel, but she has disappeared. Figuring out where Rachel may hide, Emily goes there and is attacked and almost killed. On returning to town, Rachel, believing Emily dead, proceeds to carry out her plan of revenge by involving Eugene in a car accident to kill him, kidnapping Katie, the little girl Emily is adopting with the intent of killing her too.
Emily tracks down Katie. She goes to rescue her, but Rachel attacks and they fight. Katie escapes the barn/art studio fire before it is too late and so does Emily, however Rachel is burned in the fire that she starts, and Emily can’t get her out before it is too late.
-
Hi Judith! I think your one-page overview is fascinating, and it looks like we’re both working on betrayal in family relationships. Would you like to partner up? My overview is post #10: Triplicity.
Susan
-
Hi Susan, Partnering up sounds great. Am looking forward to your Structure that we are to exchange with one another.
-
Excellent! Would you like to communicate via email? If so, mine is susanjsilver@yahoo.com
-
-
-
-
What I learned:
I made an unexpected MASSIVE character shift – anything is conceivable, when you are open to the possibilities…. I found the heart of my story again 😊
THEN…. I learned I could edit it MORE!! AND I LOVE working with other writers – so much possibility to elevate thanks to suggestions and comments!
Dia’s Logline & One Page
Title: Siku Saba (Swahili for ‘Seven Days’)
Story starts in Kenya Africa and moves to Western Australia
Logline: V3 (thanks to suggestions from Marti!)
The heir to a Big Game
Hunting empire falls hard for a wildlife conservationist, forcing him into a
life-changing altercation with his sadistic father. With plans to convert a
Wildlife Sanctuary into a Naturalist Hunting Lodge with his best mate
completely derailed, he must now choose between his new love and his family
legacy.One Page:
Maasai Warrior. Heir to a Big Game Hunting Lodge empire. Dakarai ‘Kai’ Richards straddles both worlds. A final confrontation with his father, Martin, forces Kai into a life altering decision. When a childhood friend, he considers his brother, makes an offer he can’t refuse Kai decides to leave Africa behind and start a new life in Australia.
Crikey! Troubles brewing down under. Adam Jackson battles his own demons and his partner, Tara, in the wildlife sanctuary he manages and sees his escape in Kai’s decision. He entices Kai to join him in Australia, in pursuit of their boyish dream to develop a Naturalistic Bow-Hunting Lodge on the grounds of the financially strapped sanctuary.
Adam’s convincing story that Tara wants to return to field research, and inspirational vision of converting the grounds into their dream lodge is alluring. Seduced by the possibilities and promise of a new life in Western Australia, with his closest friend, Kai takes a leap of faith and makes a hefty investment in the failing sanctuary to get the ball rolling.
Adam’s lies to Kai are grounded in an addict’s delusions and pain; fueled by alcohol, prescription drugs and his one-sided infatuation with Tara. He decides the conversion of the wildlife park into a hunting lodge will not only destroy her but also give him a chance to start over with his best mate Kai at his side. The truth is that Tara is a dedicated conservationist, and stunning wildlife warrior hell-bent on saving the park.
Landing in Australia Kai’s faced with a shocking reality. Observing Adam’s addictive behavior Kai instinctively knows something isn’t right. His intuition’s confirmed arriving at the park and meeting Tara. One inexplicable instant; opposites attract. Tara’s shocked by her gut reaction to Kai, and Kai’s immediately captivated by her raw, natural beauty, obvious expertise, and rebel attitude.
‘Siku Saba!’ Kai’s relationship with Adam deteriorates, as he and Tara astonishingly find their hearts share common ground. Instinctively, together, they reconnect with their Maasai and Aboriginal roots and come to a deeper understanding of their purpose and mission. Adam falls deeper into depression.
Feeling betrayed by his best mate, Adam contacts Kai’s sadistic father Martin. He offers him the park and his services to create an extension of his Kenyan Big Game Hunting Lodge, ousting Tara in the process, and taking control from Kai. Simultaneously, Tara discovers Kai’s family ties to Martin and the Lodge. Confrontation. Battle.
Does Kai choose a life with Tara, or remain loyal to his ‘brother’ Adam? Over the next two days, new lines are drawn as Kai attempts to convince Tara he’s not the enemy and save Adam from his spiraling descent into hell. Then suddenly Kai’s blindsided by Martin’s arrival at the park, thugs in tow, ready to takeover. Martin disinherits Kai, admits to fathering Adam, and names him his sole heir. Adam’s stunned.
In a violent confrontation, Martin threatens to shoot Tara, bragging to Kai he killed his mother in the same way. Kai attacks Martin and is stabbed with his own weapon – a blade passed down from his mother, forever at his side. As Martin recovers the gun and stands over Kai, murder in his eyes, Adam sees the truth. Adam charges to Kai’s defense. knocking Martin to the ground.
BAM! BAM! Lives changed forever… can love and hope survive?
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by Diana Collins. Reason: forgot to add title!
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by Diana Collins. Reason: typo on character name change
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Diana Collins. Reason: I did another edit
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Diana Collins.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Diana Collins.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Diana Collins. Reason: V2 of log line
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Diana Collins.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Diana Collins. Reason: Tighten up Log Line, thanks Marti for the suggestion!
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Diana Collins.
-
My feedback:
Logline:
An heir to a Big Game Hunting empire falls hard for the enemy, a wildlife conservationist, and is forced into a life changing altercation with his sadistic father. Kai Richards plans to convert a Wildlife Sanctuary into a Naturalist Hunting Lodge with his best mate Adam are fully derailed, as he must choose between love with Tara, and abandoning the plans he made with Adam, leaving his family legacy behind.
**I really like this concept and the inevitable conflicts. I would try to tighten up the logline a bit. Maybe something like: “The heir to a Big Game Hunting empire falls hard for a wildlife conservationist, forcing him into a life-changing altercation with his sadistic father. With his plans to convert a Wildlife Sanctuary into a Naturalist Hunting Lodge with his best mate completely derailed, he must now choose between his new love and his family legacy.”
One Page:
Maasai Warrior. Heir to a Big Game Hunting Lodge empire. Dakarai ‘Kai’ Richards straddles both worlds. A final confrontation with his father, Martin, forces Kai into a life altering decision. When a childhood friend, he considers his brother, makes an offer he can’t refuse Kai decides to leave Africa behind and start a new life in Australia.
**Great set up for both the conflict with his father and his future world as he escapes his father’s dominance and moves to Australia.
Crikey! Troubles brewing down under. Adam Jackson battles his own demons and his partner, Tara, in the wildlife sanctuary he manages and sees his escape in Kai’s decision. He entices Kai to join him in Australia, in pursuit of their boyish dream to develop a Naturalistic Bow-Hunting Lodge on the grounds of the financially strapped sanctuary.
**I might change “boyish” to “boyhood” for clarity that their dream isn’t in question.
Adam’s convincing story that Tara wants to return to field research, and inspirational vision of converting the grounds into their dream lodge is alluring. Seduced by the possibilities and promise of a new life in Western Australia, with his closest friend, Kai takes a leap of faith and makes a hefty investment in the failing sanctuary to get the ball rolling.
**Good job setting up sympathy for what Kai is about to walk into.
Adam’s lies to Kai are grounded in an addict’s delusions and pain; fueled by alcohol, prescription drugs and his one-sided infatuation with Tara. He decides the conversion of the wildlife park into a hunting lodge will not only destroy her but also give him a chance to start over with his best mate Kai at his side. The truth is that Tara is a dedicated conservationist, and stunning wildlife warrior hell-bent on saving the park.
**Excellent character set up. You can tell that in addition to his addictions, Adam is manipulative and destructive. Not only in his own life but to others, as well. I like Tara already…
Landing in Australia Kai’s faced with a shocking reality. Observing Adam’s addictive behavior Kai instinctively knows something isn’t right. His intuition’s confirmed arriving at the park and meeting Tara. One inexplicable instant; opposites attract. Tara’s shocked by her gut reaction to Kai, and Kai’s immediately captivated by her raw, natural beauty, obvious expertise, and rebel attitude.
**Nice. This sets up the ensuing conflict between Kai and Adam beautifully.
‘Siku Saba!’ Kai’s relationship with Adam deteriorates, as he and Tara astonishingly find their hearts share common ground. Instinctively, together, they reconnect with their Maasai and Aboriginal roots and come to a deeper understanding of their purpose and mission. Adam falls deeper into depression.
**I love them reconnecting with their roots and finding their true purpose through their ancestors.
Feeling betrayed by his best mate, Adam contacts Kai’s sadistic father Martin. He offers him the park and his services to create an extension of his Kenyan Big Game Hunting Lodge, ousting Tara in the process, and taking control from Kai. Simultaneously, Tara discovers Kai’s family ties to Martin and the Lodge. Confrontation. Battle.
**Awesome betrayal. Didn’t see that one coming. Good stumbling block to his love and potential future with Tara.
Does Kai choose a life with Tara, or remain loyal to his ‘brother’ Adam? Over the next two days, new lines are drawn as Kai attempts to convince Tara he’s not the enemy and save Adam from his spiraling descent into hell. Then suddenly Kai’s blindsided by Martin’s arrival at the park, thugs in tow, ready to takeover. Martin disinherits Kai, admits to fathering Adam, and names him his sole heir. Adam’s stunned.
**Holy crap!!! Excellent flip.
In a violent confrontation, Martin threatens to shoot Tara, bragging to Kai he killed his mother in the same way. Kai attacks Martin and is stabbed with his own weapon – a blade passed down from his mother, forever at his side. As Martin recovers the gun and stands over Kai, murder in his eyes, Adam sees the truth. Adam charges to Kai’s defense. knocking Martin to the ground.
**Great job setting up Martin as a total monster who deserves whatever Kai and Adam do to him. Shows their uninherited humanity if they don’t kill him.
BAM! BAM! Lives changed forever… can love and hope survive?
**Good question!
**There is so much opportunity for conflict and resolution throughout this story. I love the idea of Kai and Tara calling on their Maasai and Aboriginal backgrounds to conquer evil in the modern world. And, I like the fact that Adam comes to his senses at the end to save Kai from their father. Good job.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Marti Wheat. Reason: Take out html code
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by
-
ASSIGNMENT 1
———————–
Patti Snyder
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that there must be a clear logline and story synopsis, with no extraneous detail. Rewritten to try to accomplish that!
Subject: Patti’s Life On The Rock Pilot Logline and One Page
Logline: A Harvard biologist returns to her roots when she inherits a house in unhinged Key West and discovers mystery, murder, magic, and mayhem are part of her inheritance. As a deadly hurricane turns towards the island chain, she must come to grips with the past and future, both as dangerous as the coming storm.
OR:
A biologist inherits a house in Key West and encounters mystery, murder, magic, mayhem, and a killer hurricane as she fights to keep it.
One Page: Rose Kelly, an acerbic, self-reliant Harvard ant scientist, learns that she has inherited her great-aunt’s beachfront home in Key West, a place Rose thought she had left far behind. Facing the loss of a major grant funding her research into a cure for brain cancer found in ants, she decides to return to Key West to sell the house for money she may need to continue her work. With a scruffy mutt stowaway, she arrives to find the once grand house is now dilapidated, ruining her plans for a quick sale for big bucks. Rose extends her intended brief stay in order to complete repairs and list the house. She reconnects with her childhood best friends, frustrated writer/bartender Miller and Voodoo practitioner/avant-garde florist Mitsu, with whom she shared a mysterious vision decades before. The three begin to pick up the strings of friendship.
A sleazy Key West attorney, Stuart McCoy, receives information from his dying great-aunt (a sister to Rose’s great-aunt) that the house is somehow connected to an ancient lost treasure. He conspires to steal the house from Rose. A string of potentially deadly accidents and incidents begin to happen to Rose, as she learns that the past history of her family involves pirates, prostitutes, and hidden treasure. Rose begins to trust and rely more and more on her two old friends – but could one or both of them in league with her evil cousin? Handsome Miller, the life of the party with a string of broken hearts in his wake, seems to want to worm his way into Rose’s affections, but is he attracted to her or to the rumored treasure? And Rose wonders if Mitsu’s dabbling with poisonous native plants has a dark purpose. Rose begins to second guess her trust in her friends and is plagued by nightmarish visions of a distant past.
As Rose becomes more and more distraught, her confidence in her ability to cope with any situation disintegrating, warnings of a major hurricane begin to be issued, and Rose makes plans to evacuate to the mainland with Mitsu and Miller. Another accident which could be an attempt on Rose’s life strands the three in the house as the category 5 hurricane bears down on Key West, and Rose wonders if one or both of her friends are potential killers.
All three survive the hurricane by acting as a team, and trust finally wins out. But in the aftermath of the storm, when everyone thinks the danger is over, Rose is again attacked, and again saved by her friends. Stuart McCoy is finally revealed as the one behind the attacks and hauled off in handcuffs. As Rose and friends finally relax, they discover a secret room in the house, with clues to the hidden treasure.
TO BE CONTINUED!
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Patricia Snyder. Reason: Paring down the logline to its 3 essential parts
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Patricia Snyder. Reason: Logline and One Page revised per critique by partner
-
There seem to be some similarities between our scripts. Would you be interested in exchanging?
David.
-
David, many thanks for reaching out! I appreciate your offer but I’m afraid that you may be many, many levels above me in this process. That said, if that doesn’t deter you, I’d be happy to!
Patti
-
I’m flattered. Nevertheless, innate abilities, talent, and imagination count for a lot in this field. I’d still like to partner. Let’s keep up a conversation.
David.
-
David, I thought I replied, but I’m not seeing it show up, so with an abundance of caution I’ll reply again – yes, thanks, I’d be happy to partner up with you. Patti
-
-
-
-
Logline: A straitlaced, acerbic, and self-reliant (Perhaps, fewer adjectives – prim? Is she narrow-minded? Militant?) Harvard scientist (What discipline? physicist, etc.?) returns to her roots when she inherits a house in no rules (wild, hedonistic, criminal? Will this be a plot point?) Key West. While trying to sell the house to finance her research (A technical point. A Harvard scientist, depending on the field, will be getting Federal grants. Depending on the field she may need more money than she can get from a house. Is she failing at her research? Job? Tenure? This could be a motivation for action and/or character. Atypical behavior.) Rose Kelly (Usually names aren’t needed in Loglines. Descriptors are standard.) discovers that mystery, murder, magic, and mayhem are part of her inheritance. (Magic and mayhem aren’t reflected in the One Page /Synopsis.) As a killer hurricane turns towards the island chain, Rose must come to grips with her past and future, both as dangerous as the coming storm.
(Great last sentence. Usually, loglines are one sentence. Sometimes two. The Lesson gives good examples.)
One Page: Rose Kelly, single and straitlaced Harvard ant scientist, (Is “ant” pertinent to the plot? Entomologist? An entomologist may not need much money. Fieldwork is cheap and so is lab research. Ants don’t eat very much. Why does she need to be a scientist? Would Lit be OK?) learns that she has inherited her great-aunt’s old beachfront home in Key West, a place Rose thought she had left far behind. (Why? Bad memories?) With a scruffy mutt stowaway, (Is mutt significant to plot?) Rose returns to her childhood home, once majestic but now dilapidated, ruining her plans for a quick sale<s> for big bucks</s>. She crosses paths (meets) with her childhood best friends, frustrated writer/bartender Miller, and Voodoo practitioner/avant-garde (hyphen?) florist Mitsu. (Full names are probably OK. Are jobs part of the plot?). Rose <s>is dismayed by the condition of the house, which she hoped to sell to finance her research, and</s> extends her intended brief stay in order to complete repairs and list the house.
As a distant cousin conspires to deprive Rose of her inheritance, rumors of pirates and hidden treasure begin to surface. Could there be a pirate’s booty hidden in the house or buried in its yard? A string of maybe-not-accidents befalls Rose, leading her to rely more and more on the two people she knows she could trust the most – but could one or both of them (be) in league with her evil cousin? <s>Handsom</s>e Miller, (awkward phrase.) the life of the party with a string of broken hearts in his wake, seems to want to worm his way into Rose’s affections, but is he attracted to her or to the rumored treasure? And Rose wonders if Mitsu’s dabbling with poisonous native plants has a dark purpose. Meanwhile, Rose’s cousin, sleazy attorney Stuart McCoy, seems hell (-) bound (intent?) on dispossessing Rose and keeping any treasure for himself. And what is causing the strange nightmares of mystical happenings that plague Rose’s sleep?
As Rose becomes more and more distraught, her confidence in her ability to cope with any situation disintegrating (Emotional journey good.), she is forced to rely on her friends, and they on her, in order to survive the biggest hurricane to hit the Keys <s>since the infamous Labor Day Hurricane of 1935</s>. (Why does a hurricane count? Is a deadline needed? Couldn’t they evacuate and come back?) All three come to understand that real treasure is sometimes something intangible.
I like the story. The interesting heroine, buried treasure (of course), mysterious villain, distrust of friends, the old house, hurricane, Voodoo, etc. But I don’t see a story in the One Page. The description seems general. What happens? How do people change? Cause-effect relationships are not clear. When does the villain enter? How does he attack? It should be a life-or-death situation. What do the main secondary characters do? All expressed briefly.
<s> is the beginning-end of crossed-out phrase.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by David Mailman.
-
David, thank you for the concise critique. There’s got to be a better way to communicate than this, as it doesn’t lend itself to editing very well. To address your comments: (1) I cut the # of adjectives; (2) added discipline; (3) yes, Key West plays a role as this is a variation on the fish out of water theme; (4) yep, she is getting grants but is in danger of losing her largest one due to funding drying up (I didn’t feel this detail needs to be in the longline); (5) re: “magic and mayhem” in the One Page – I mentioned the Voodoo and dangerous accidents but need to tweak the OP to bring these out more; and (6) for some reason my longline just kept getting longer! I’ve pared down to two sentences – thoughts? I’ve got a busy morning today, but will get back to the assignment this afternoon.
I’ve tweaked the Logline as follows:
Logline: A straitlaced Harvard biologist returns to her roots when she inherits a house in unhinged Key West and discovers mystery, murder, magic, and mayhem are part of her inheritance. As a deadly hurricane turns towards the island chain, she must come to grips with the past and future, both as dangerous as the coming storm.
-
I’m open to suggestions for better communication and commentary. The technique I used fit my typing and thinking ability.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by David Mailman.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by
-
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by
-
Susan’s Logline and One Page!
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is to reacquaint myself with the core instead of running around the curlicues.
Title: Triplicity
Logline: Barely surviving a brutal wildfire that consumes her life’s dream, a semi-conscious veterinarian must overthrow the emotional yoke of three men’s wounded psyches to save herself from their wreckage.
Overview: The question is not “Why doesn’t she leave?” but “WTF is up with that guy?!” Instead of the usual cowering, weak woman ducking the blows of her vicious significant other, this film unveils the spidery fugue of domestic abuse. Abandoned by her husband to burn in a surging wildfire ripping through their home, our protagonist, Carrie, slowly recovers, semi-conscious, in a hospital bed. Multiple visitors spark her memories, as she slowly builds her past and clearly sees reality for the first time.
A successful, moderately content veterinarian before the fire, she is determined to both follow her dream of opening an animal sanctuary and end a tepid long-term relationship that has gone nowhere for too long. Her longing for passion steers her into the flattering arms of a seeming Prince Charming, where the romantic rollercoaster begins, burning brightly before it inevitably quenches itself with an overzealous proposal.
Meanwhile, in a grab to recapture her affections, the threatened ex-boyfriend steps up. Outwardly, he helps her fulfill her dream, hiding from her the devious means he uses to grab his family’s land for her dream animal sanctuary by committing his grandmother to a home and faking a burglary to scare his sister away. Ultimately, his evil undercurrent arises with her as well, but not before she has fallen into his trap and merged her life with his.
Discontent despite realizing her professional dream and forlorn in her marriage, she consoles herself with a third love interest, who, under the guise of gentle humility, wrings from her the last of her energy and compassion with constant childlike neediness and demands for attention. Her life is not her own, as the three men (representing the three stages of psychology’s Cycle of Abuse) and their aching burdens overwhelm her and shut her down.
In the hospital bed, recovering from the burns and suffocation, both inside and out, she realizes the surprising link between the three men and can finally unravel her life and return to herself.
-
Hi Susan, Yes, let’s partner up. Am looking forward to your structure lesson 2. Will get my thoughts back as soon as possible.
-
-
What I learned from doing this assignment is that I have a huge opportunity to elevate the second half of my screenplay and my ending. So I’m celebrating!
Title: HOME IS WHERE THE HEART STOPS
Logline: When a small town detective comes across a murder case, he races to solve it before his rival gumshoe can. But when the detective discovers his own wife did the deed, the detective decides to protect his spouse rather than abide by the law he’s sworn to uphold.
One page:
The story opens on Connor, a small town detective now dressed in a tuxedo. He lays a bouquet of roses on his mother’s grave, saying how much he would have liked her to be there with him on his wedding day and makes a vow to be a better husband to his new wife than his father was to her. Meanwhile his new wife Mallory is getting ready with her bridesmaids and one of them spills red wine on her wedding gown! Rather than get mad she opts to cover it with a white shawl. However, when that particular bridesmaid takes a nasty and embarrassing spill during the procession, Mallory shrugs indifferently and continues. While their married life promised to be exciting, both Connor and Mallory find themselves to be very bored very soon, Connor at his job and Mallory at home and even in each other’s company. It is for this reason Mallory starts to spy on her neighbor Shannon and discovers that she is having an affair with the UPS delivery man! When Mallory decides to interview the UPS guy she invites him inside for some lemonade. When the UPS guy takes it the wrong way and comes onto her aggressively, she maces him in her garage. But instead of getting in her car and driving away Mallory gets in her car and rams him with it against the garage wall, killing him!
The cops find the UPS truck at the bottom of a ravine with the beaten up body inside it. To the cops it looks like an accident but Connor suspects foul play and gets access to the evidence. Weston, a private investigator, shows up at the station while Connor is sorting through the contents of the truck and informs Connor that Weston has been hired to solve the case by the victim’s brother, a DHL delivery guy. These two guys clearly don’t get along and soon there’s a competition with Weston interviewing witnesses and Connor tracking the packages. Connor is so engrossed with competing that he doesn’t notice his wife Mallory desperately trying to clean blood out of towels when he gets home. Some detective! Soon enough Connor figures out that the last package delivered was to his own home but by that point Mallory has decided to kill again, this time targeting another man known to be a dirtbag. However her second victim turns out to be a formidable opponent and he starts to get the best of her. Connor returns home early to confront his wife but instead winds up saving her and killing the dirtbag in the process. Mallory confesses to her husband what she’s been doing, killing the unsavory men of the town, and Connor decides to protect her from certain jail time in order to keep the vow he made to his deceased mother.
Under the ruse that he has swallowed his pride, Connor proposes that he and Weston collaborate instead of compete to solve the case. When Weston is reluctant, Connor assures him that Weston can keep the whole payment when the case is solved and that Connor just wants to catch the killer. When they have an accord, Connor does everything he can to muddle witness testimony and wreck physical evidence. Right when Weston has had just about enough of Connor behavior Connor suggests they interview Shannon, his neighbor. While Weston talks with Shannon Connor manages to plant the bloody UPS ID badge of the victim in Shannon’s house for Weston to find and at that point Connor produced pictures of the victim and Shannon together (provided by Mallory). Weston has Shannon arrested and it looks like they have their culprit. Weston warms up to Connor and gladly accepts an invitation to dinner with him and Mallory. While Mallory thinks they should kill Weston while they have the chance to tie up that loose end, she is still a gracious hostess. The evening looks like it will end on a pleasant note, but then on his way out Weston blunders upon a wedding ring on the floor of their garage. Instinctively Weston reads the inner inscription and realizes it belongs the UPS guy, the murder victim. Weston now knows he’s been betrayed by Connor!
The way the ending stands now is that Weston collects Mallory’s fingerprints and/or DNA from the truck, and right as a confrontation ensues between Weston and Connor and Mallory, Shannon escapes from jail and bursts onto the scene. This provides enough of a distraction for Connor to tackled Weston to the ground and fight him to the death while Mallory kills Shannon. Connor and Mallory then drive off tougher, fugitives from the law but with a revitalized marriage!
-
-
I notice that crossed-out phrases do not show. Will figure a new way.
-
George Strakosch’s Logline and One Page
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is clarity is king. If you can’t simply and clearly communicate what your story is, there is a major problem.
Now, I hope I’ve been clear.
This course focuses on rewriting a screenplay. I am working on rewriting a pilot. So the Logline is for the series while the One Page is for the pilot episode.
THE LAST CAMPAIGN
1-Hour Crime Drama – Serial
LOGLINE
An undercover FBI agent is about to bring down a major mob boss when the criminal announces he is running for President, forcing the FBI to stand down and the agent to disobey orders and go rogue, moving deeper into this presidential campaign run by a crime family, in order to bring him to justice.
ONE PAGE
Undercover FBI Agent Johnnie Pelazza knows it will be a perfect day. Two years of his work
will result in the arrest of mob boss Thomas Morelli. And allow him to go home to his family.
However, the arrest doesn’t happen that morning. Morelli has disappeared. And the U.S. Attorney believes Johnnie warned him of the pending indictment.
Morelli is spotted in New Hampshire. The FBI surrounds him. But the mobster announces
to the press that he is running for President! He just registered for the New Hampshire Primary.
He is not arrested. The Department of Justice’s new rules say anyone running for President
cannot be indicted. Johnnie and his FBI handler, Patty Burke, are told to stand down.
But Johnnie is obsessed with bringing Morelli to justice. He has a heartbreaking choice:
obey FBI orders and let Morelli slip through his fingers or disobey and go back undercover.
Losing his job. Losing his family. Maybe losing his life. He chooses to go rogue. He must bring Morelli down.
Johnnie goes to a high-level mob meeting, infuriating his superiors. Patty is forced to find and
bring Johnnie back. She goes undercover as his girlfriend. Caught at the meeting, she is
psychologically tortured and sexually abused by Ignatius Rinaldi, the mob’s underboss. At
gunpoint. With Johnnie forced to watch. She barely escapes with her life. Johnnie refuses
to leave. He needs to discover Morelli’s plans.
The mob boss says he plans to use the presidency to gain more wealth, more power and
immunity. He tells Johnnie he wants him to work on the campaign. To help him become president.
Back at the FBI, Patty overhears the Assistant Attorney General say that the powers in D.C.
believe Johnnie is too big a risk and must be eliminated. Johnnie will die tomorrow!
Can Johnnie survive his own government? Can a mob boss successfully run for President?
Or can a rogue FBI agent bring him down?
-
Frank Gaide – Assignment 1
WHAT I LEARNED:
It’s very difficult to discover the core of a story and sum it in one sentence. It’s a skill that obviously takes time and patience to master given all the elements in a first draft.
TITLE: THE UGLY BOAT
LOGLINE:
When an aimless young thief and his cut-throat brother get trapped on a boat with a million dollars in mob money and four dangerous strangers scheming to eliminate each other, he must decide who he can trust to survive.
ONE PAGE:
A couple low-level thieves (20’s), Terri, Ronni, and Rose who owe money to the local mob boss, Red, bungle a bank heist, and escape police by hiding in a boat. They soon discover it is carrying millions in mob money and drugs by spying on boat owner, Diesel, and his moll, Izzy, making a deal with the same mob boss they owe money to.
After the boat leaves Boston harbor, the low-level thieves commandeer the boat. During the night all six of them start scheming to eliminate each other and have the money for themselves. Double crosses, terror, and violence eventually leads to the boat exploding at sea.
The next morning leaves two survivors – Terri and Izzy – and remnants of cash and drugs. After drifting in open water to a nearby buoy, Izzy discovers how badly burned Terri is and proposes they share an alibi to split whatever is salvaged between them. At the sound of an approaching helicopter, Izzy forces Terri under the water, drowning him, well before a rescue diver drops into the water in front of her.<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>
-
What I learned from writing this assignment: Oy! The need to be concise! I run on at the mouth so much sometimes!
Rewriting the Script: Assignment 1
Logline: A dying priest, with secret knowledge about a Cree Residential School, seeks forgiveness from the boy he abused. All he must do is live long enough to give testimony at the trial between the Cree Nation and the Catholic Church. But the Vatican’s Lawyer is part of an ancient order that will do anything, even murder, to win.
One page: “As ye forgive, so are ye forgiven.”
As Father John Ambrose’s death from kidney cancer approaches, he seeks absolution. He spills his deepest secret to Bishop Robert DeGaul during confession: there is a burial pit beneath St. Anne’s school where the Headmaster dumped the bodies of those he murdered. DeGaul tells him he must seek forgiveness from the young boy he abused, Jody Youngblood, and be a witness to what he saw while DeGaul deals with the horrifying situation of the burial pit.
What started as a humble quest for forgiveness becomes a test of faith for Ambrose and DeGaul as every person at the Two Pines Reservation wants payback, and the Cardinal sent from the Vatican, Ignacio Angelino, is easy prey for their anger. Even the Chief’s son pulls a knife in the heat of the moment, proving Angelino’s claim ‘they are nothing but savages’. Someone even tries to burn down the church on the reserve.
Jody Youngblood isn’t feeling forgiving. He wants nothing to do with Ambrose, whom he blames for all his problems. Having three priests in the Band’s midst at this painful time is hard on everybody. To make matters worse, Ambrose must go for dialysis. Since Jody is being difficult, Chief Oliver decides he should take Ambrose on the lengthy trip to the hospital. True to Canadian form – a vicious Norther blows in stranding them in a broken truck on the side of a mountain, with Ambrose suffering from sepsis. Jody is forced to hear Ambrose’s apology and realizes he knows about the murders at the school. Now he NEEDS to keep Ambrose alive for the trial. But all he knows is bush medicine and it’s a fine time to learn to pray. Search and Rescue find them but it’s touch and go for Ambrose. He realizes a lot of his anger at Ambrose comes from feeling abandoned as a child. Jody beats himself up over that. Forgiveness, it seems, has a whole lot of sharp edges.
It’s a nightmare emergency convoy rush through the deep snow and back country to get Ambrose to the hospital, but they make it. Just when it seems Ambrose is safe and stable, one of Angelino’s aides poisons him.
The trial begins and the press has a field day, but for the Cree Nation and the Catholic Church this is a somber time. Father Ambrose is critically ill. The poison has done its damage. He gives his testimony and it’s damning. Angelino is a master at the art of deflection and downplay. All the witnesses feel discredited. They need hard evidence. Ambrose has an ace in the hole: a box of photos he hid near the school, but he’s too sick to get them. It’s up to the Chief’s son to bring them in, and he’s nowhere in sight. Angelino’s other aide is trying to get the photos away from him and destroy the evidence by dumping it, and the teen, down a deep crevasse.
The boy is wily and gets away, crashes in the doors at the last moment, wounded and bleeding and hands the photos over. At last. Hard evidence. The Cree win their case.
In the end Ambrose dies, but he choses to be out in the bush surrounded by his friends, and his faith in where he is bound is like a lantern. DeGaul sets down his invisible Holy armor to become a simple man of God once more. Angelino has gone to jail, and Jody has come to believe, in his own way, seeing God all around him in everything.
-
Hey David, We both have the Spanish Inquisition in our Scripts! Can we pull a Monty Python and shout ‘No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!’?
Heather
Love the ideas you put in the script.
-
The story is very topical. Many paths to intrigue, suspense, and action. Your scenes seem set up already.
David.
-
-
Carol Capomaccio- Logline and One Page
I continue to learn that fear is a crippling, stumbling block.
Title: Once Upon Another Life
Logline: In spite of her conservative and controlling grandmother Celine’s steadfast opposition, Jessica, a self-harming and cynical 16-year-old, falls for Charly, an eerily familiar transgender teen. Even as tension increases between Jessica and Celine, deep love emerges from Jessica and Charley’s uncanny connection, all while ancestral wounds from their prior incarnation as lovers during the Armenian Genocide in 1915 are revealed.
One Page:
Born into a colorful, ethnic family riddled with secrets and generations of pain, 16-year-old Jessica sinks into a rabbit hole of self-harming behaviors. As an only child to single mom and UU minister Demi, Jessica often finds herself alone with her camera or reluctantly spending time with her grandparents, Celine and Tony.
Being with Papa Tony is comforting for Jessica, but it comes with a price- YiaYia Celine. As the family’s controlling and conservative matriarch, Celine gets under Jessica’s skin. Her need to provide Jessica with unsolicited advice and moral direction is in direct contrast to Demi’s more open and trusting parenting style.
As trusting as Demi is, she worries about Jessica’s marijuana use and potential relapse into cutting. With this in mind, Demi demands that Jessica stay with Celine and Tony during school vacation week. Unhappy with her mom’s demands, Jessica makes the best of it by doing the behaviors her mom thought she would never dare do while under Celine’s watchful eye- chew on marijuana gummies and secretly cut behind closed doors. There’s always a way and Jessica provides a way to get the emotional relief she needs while dealing with a broken heart from a relationship that never materialized.
With Jessica close at hand, Celine believes all is well and under control. Such is not the case when it comes to her own secrets. Celine’s casino gambling addiction and well-hidden battle with terminal illness are demons she keeps at bay, or so she thinks. When sleepless nights get the best of her, Celine buries her head into a good read. Her current go-to is a diary she stole from her dead cousin’s estate. In the diary, Celine’s grandmother, YiaYia Lusineh, writes in great detail about her life during the Armenian Genocide in 1915.
Bored and frustrated with her grandparents’ closed-minded thinking, Jessica storms out of the house to photograph the moon. While setting up shots on the beach, Jessica meets Charly, an eerily familiar transgender teen. Celine is not happy with Jessica’s newfound friendship with Charly and forbids it. Jessica could care less about her YiaYia’s wishes and continues to see Charly.
As Celine reads YiaYia Lusineh’s diary, we flashback to the Ottoman Empire 1915 and learn about 16-year-old Lusineh’s love of cooking and forbidden love affair with Aleni, the daughter of the wealthy family for whom she cooks.
Celine finds herself surprisingly intrigued by Lusineh’s love for Aleni. Perhaps the lost ring that Lusineh asked 13-year-old Celine to find was from Aleni?? Celine never followed through with YiaYia Lusineh’s dying wish. This was something she regretted and chose to push away… until now.
Soliciting Jessica’s help, Celine is determined to find YiaYia Lusineh’s ring. It will be the perfect way to keep Jessica away from Charly and the perfect distraction from what ails Celine. More than that, the journey Jessica and Celine undertake goes well beyond finding Lusineh’s lost ring. Instead, it’s a journey that links the present with the past in a quest to reconnect long-lost lovers from another lifetime.
-
Benito Selim’s Logline and One Page.
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is having a clear description of your plot for a log line greatly helps with telling the entire story. The one page gets the whole script out to see what your focus is and what you want to tell the audience.
DETOUR- HORROR
Two sisters and their friends on their way to the Florida Keys for spring break become stranded in the everglades. Their situation becomes dire as they are hunted by reptiles who have grown mysteriously aggressive, unprovoked.
ONE PAGE
Protesters and News media block a construction crew from entering a new housing development close to the Florida Everglades. The site foreman arrives to defuse the situation with the local sheriff and law enforcement.
Protesters and Reporters demand answers on products they are using that have been deemed harmful to the environment. Other allegations are the construction is causing reptiles and animals to flee their home and attack humans in the area.
The site is cleared, and the foreman gets the crew situated for the day. As the foreman returns to his trailer, he is violently killed by two alligators (Alligator 1 and 2) who disappear before his body is discovered.
Kayla and Lynette (sisters) prepare to visit their parents back home while on spring break from college in Florida. Plans quickly change when their parents inform them, they are taking a vacation instead.
Lynette sad about the situation just wants to stay in but is convinced by Kayla to come on a road trip to the Florida Keys with her sorority sisters Megan and Candy.
The girls pass two stranded motorists near an open pond. The two alligators return and kill the couple. Back at the construction site, the sheriff enlists the help of a reptile doctor named Aaron.
Megan gets the idea to make a pit stop at the Everglades national park. To Lynette’s surprise the group stops and has a good time learning about wildlife in the park.
Megan decides to take a more scenic route and drives down an axis road for rangers only. Megan’s car gets stuck, and the girls become stranded without anyone knowing they’re there. While making their way through the everglades they become stalked by Alligator 1 and 2.
A ranger goes out for his routine patrol and discovers Megan’s car along with animal corpses. Aaron discovers that the paint the construction site is using is the cause for the reptile aggression. The paint is found to be leaking into a water way leading to the everglades.
Aaron teams up with the sheriff and they head to the everglades to notify the park. They partner with the ranger and told about the car found. They all agree to search for the girls.
The girls make their way through the park when they encounter a family of pythons (Python 1, 2 and 3) Candy is killed while the other three seek refuge, they give her body to the alligators to get away.
The girls find a maintenance shack while the pythons and alligators try to get them. The ranger, sheriff and Aaron find them when they are flown in by helicopter.
The pilot is attacked by Python 2 causing the helicopter to crash and killing them both. The actual rescue helicopter shows up to rescue everyone.
The sheriff and Ranger kill the Alligators and hop on the helicopter but Python 1 and 2 jump on as they are leaving. The ranger knocks off Python 1 from the helicopter. Megan is killed along with Python 2 when it gets aboard.
The rescue helicopter gets away and lands safely. Python 1 reappears but is killed before it can attack.
Months later in Aaron’s lab, his assistant conducts an autopsy on Python 1 and finds hatched alligator eggs in it’s system. The alligators surprise attack the assistant and kill her.
THE END
-
Hi Benito,
I’d like to exchange feedback with you. We’re both working on horror scripts, although quite different.
Your concept reminded me of an idea I sketched out a few years ago but never wrote. I can share that with you.
Leo Sopicki
-
Sounds like a plan. I’ll shoot you an email. I loved your one page as well plus New Orleans is my second home hahaha
-
-
Hey Benito, I know Leo replied to work with you – but since I’m reading everything, I just thought I’d add a couple comments.
First off, I like your story, and I usually don’t like horror but it’s fun to have a ‘scary wildlife movie’ – I think they can provide great entertainment. Especially, like in reality, the cause is some human issue which causes the transgression.
Just a couple of suggestions:
“they become stalked” better to read ‘they are stalked’
There are a lot of extra words you can cut to flow the read better. Example:
- This:
Protesters and News media block a construction crew from entering a new housing development close to the Florida Everglades. As the site foreman and local law enforcement arrive to defuse the situation <s>with the local sheriff and law enforcement.</s> the group demand answers. Are the materials they’re using safe or are they harmful to the environment? <s>as to the safety of materials they are using that have been deemed harmful to the environment, and</s> They also claim the construction is displacing the wildlife causing them to move into populated areas and attack the residents.
- Becomes this:
Protesters and News media block a construction crew from entering a new housing development close to the Florida Everglades. As the site foreman and local law enforcement arrive to defuse the situation the group demand answers. Are the materials they’re using safe or are they harmful to the environment? They also claim the construction is displacing the wildlife causing them to move into populated areas and attack the residents.
JUST a suggestion, but I think you can clean up the lines and condense them more powerfully.
So have fun – I see Leo will partner with you.
Look forward to reading what you guys have.
Best, D
-
Thank you Diana. I appreciate your feedback. I have always struggled with One Pages, it’s definitely one of my challenges to get the meat of the story out without sounding redundant. I know I’m not the only one that is excited to tell their story and wants to cover every detail, even when it’s not needed. What’s funny is your feedback is very similar to feedback I received from a contest I entered in October.
I definitely know the key areas to fix to improve my story. I really enjoyed writing this and it was easy for me to select it for a needed rewrite.
Thank you again,
Benito
-
-
NOT CLEAR ON WHAT YOU ARE ASKING
-
ASSIGNMENT 1
———————–
Karen Crider’s logline and one page.
What I learned doing this assignment is: Defining what I am trying to pinpoint.
TITLE: For the Love of Percy
GENRE: Fantasy
LOGLINE: A magical dragon’s penchant for stealing, results in a prison sentence for his only friend, forcing them to go on the lam to outer space.
OVERVIEW:
Prince Percy, an infant dragon of King Ferdinand and Queen Sophie, is cast in a cloud by his nurse, after his planetary kingdom is vanquished and his parents murdered. He enters a portal from Planet Freome, and falls to Earth inside a raindrop at a local school. A bullied, third grade boy, Dusty, sneaks home what he thinks is a lizard. He hides him under his bed. He later realizes the lizard is a magical dragon after he rescues the boy from bullies. They grow up together, but after graduation, Dusty marries, and goes into, the Army. The dragon follows him for years invisibly, even to war in Afghanistan, where Percy takes shrapnel, protecting his only friend. After years of service, Dusty is discharged, and goes home. When Percy’s convinced his friend is safe, he explores space searching for his own kind. After several stops, he finds the Planet Freome, Planet of the Dragons; unknowingly, his home planet. The princess, (who is actually his twin sister, taken as an infant) selects Percy at her coming out party as her beau. The king (who murdered Percy’s family,) objects and Percy is slung into the portal by the king’s goons and transported to Earth. He decides to track down his old friend, Dusty, whose wife has died. Dusty is in mourning. He’s taken his wife’s ashes to their lake cabin to scatter, when Percy returns. Dusty has forgotten about Percy, as if he’s a childhood fantasy. A clash results, but they reunite. From that point on, whatever Dusty needs, Percy steals, frustrating Dusty. Eventually, Dusty is blamed and charged with grand larceny. His indifferent, grown children ignore his pleas for help, when he blames the theft on a dragon. He ends up in prison. Percy breaks him out and they go on the lam into space, before the portal closes forever, only to discover the Bermuda Triangle intersecting with Planet Freome, lends irony as a home-warming gift.
-
OVERVIEW: (325 words)
Diana’s suggestion notes in BLUE – *apparently the formatting doesn’t paste here, so I put ‘bold’ / ‘bullet points’ on my comments
- Good word count!
Prince Percy, the infant dragon of King Ferdinand and Queen Sophie, is cast in a cloud
- *is there a more descriptive way to say this? I’m not sure what this means) by his nurse, after his planetary kingdom is vanquished and his parents murdered. He enters a portal
- *does the cloud propel him into the portal?
from Planet Freome and falls to Earth inside a raindrop at a local school.
A bullied, third grade boy, Dusty, sneaks home what he thinks is a lizard. After Percy rescues the boy from bullies, Dusty realizes the lizard is a magical dragon. (*maybe: ‘Dusty, a bullied third grader, finds a lizard and sneaks him home only to discover he’s actually a magic dragon when Percy rescues him from bullies!*Note you’ve used bullied and bullies twice, so maybe a different word? or just start with Third grader Dusty sneaks a lizard….rescues him from his bully classmates”)
They grow up together, but after graduation, Dusty marries, and goes into the Army.
- *maybe mention the ‘many years of friendship’ instead of “they grow up together”? Something like: ‘After many years of adventure together, Dusty inherited the dragon’s confidence, graduated top of this class, married his sweetheart and joined the army’. Is there a character arc resulting from the friendship?
The dragon follows him for years invisibly, (*Does Dusty know Percy has stayed with him?) even to war in Afghanistan, where Percy takes shrapnel, protecting his only friend. After years of service, Dusty is discharged, and goes home. When Percy’s convinced his friend is safe, (*consider using more ‘now/active’ ideas: ‘With Dusty safely back home, Percy leaves to explore space in search of his kin’) he explores space. He searches for his own kind everywhere, until he finds the Planet Freome, Planet of the Dragons; unknowingly, his home planet.
- *Do they have any interaction? a heartfelt goodbye? Are any of his kin left on Planet Freome?
The princess, (who is actually his twin sister, taken as an infant) selects Percy at her coming out debut as her beau. The king (who murdered Percy’s family,) objects, Percy is slung into the portal by the king’s goons. He’s transported to Earth where he decides to track down his old friend, Dusty, whose wife has died. Dusty is in mourning. He’s taken his wife’s ashes to their lake cabin to scatter, when Percy returns.
- Consider if you might have an idea flow better: *The Princess, Percy’s twin sister taken by the King who killed his family, selects Percy to escort her at her coming out debut. The King objects and Percy is once again flung into the portal by the Kings goons.
Dusty has forgotten about Percy, as if he’s a childhood fantasy. A clash results, but they reunite as friends. From that point on, whatever Dusty needs, Percy steals,
- *what’s your thought behind making the Dragon suddenly a thief?
frustrating Dusty all the more. Eventually, Percy’s blamed
- *did you mean Dusty was blamed?
and charged with grand larceny. His indifferent, grown children ignore his pleas for help, after he blames the theft on a dragon. He ends up in prison. Percy breaks him out, and before the portal closes forever, they go on the lam into space, only to discover, the Bermuda Triangle intersecting with Planet Freome, lends more than irony as a home-warming gift.
- *I’m not sure what the resolution is, and don’t understand this line. Can you make this more clear?
- Some thoughts:
- Your One Page doesn’t make it clear to me who the protagonist or antagonist is, or show a character arc.
- The story is a nice blend of fantasy and real-world experience. Who is your audience?
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Diana Collins.
-
-
Diana, there is a lot of betrayal going on in your story. I read it over a couple times to get a grasp of what’s going on. Your title got my attention. Are you going to uses the full title, including the parenthesis? I would. But I would also ask myself if the title encapsulated the entire story. Is it catchy? Is it definitive? Does it fit? You have a good number of characters and they are quite diverse. I like the subtext, the sabotage going on. I appreciate the motivation behind the characters as it is something that carries credibility. I would be careful using the foreign language. I realize it gives some credibility to the story, but foreign wordage can be confusing, and we live in a world of instant gratification. If something is not clear the reader will find a script that is. And you are writing for the reader. Thanks for letting me read this. I put my script in the wrong assignment, so I posted it on this forum. I’m always in a hurry and my eyes give me grief…Keep writing.
-
I’m taking the Character Mastery Class while starting this Professional Rewrite Class, so I’m learning on multiple levels simultaneously. What I’ve learned mostly, thus far, is that no matter how good I think my characters are and the story I’m telling flows, there is always room for improvement. I’ve become obsessed with the characters whose job it is to propel the main characters along their inevitable trajectory within the story. I’d never paid much attention to how important those characters are to a story.
Subject: Marti Wheat’s Logline and One Page
The title of my script is:
Not Forgotten
Logline: After suffering catastrophic injuries in
Afghanistan, a suicidal Army Captain finds the one therapy that helps him
cope causes blackouts, forcing him to confront the truth about the death of his
brother years before.One Page:
NOT FORGOTTEN is the story of Frank Parris, a former college football star and career Army captain, who suffers catastrophic injuries at the hands of a suicide bomber in Afghanistan. A double amputee, with a traumatic brain injury that eliminates any chance for his continued career in the military, Frank believes his life is over. Not even a loving wife and a five-year-old son, who worships him even more than his beloved Transformers, can bring Frank out of his depression.
When he refuses his prosthetics and stops physical therapy, Frank’s family and doctors become extremely concerned. As a last resort, his doctor introduces him to adaptive scuba diving, an extreme sport that is highly effective in helping wounded warriors accept their “new reality.” At first he’s skeptical. Then 5-year-old Tyler shows him a drawing he’s done with Frank on one side in a wheelchair and on the other as Optimus Prime, a superhero with titanium limbs, and asks, “Daddy, why won’t you be a Transformer?” Frank realizes that his career isn’t all he’s going to lose and he agrees to try.
Frank embraces his scuba training with the zeal of a true athlete until he finds that every time he goes into the water, he suffers a blackout. After his doctors eliminate all the potential physical causes, Frank is forced to confront the memory of his involvement in the waterproofing accident that took the life of his younger brother and several members of his unit years before, or give up any hope of coming to terms with his new life.
-
- Hello Marti – not sure if you still need comments – here are mine, in bold / bullet point. Diana
The title of my script is: Not Forgotten
Logline: After suffering catastrophic injuries in Afghanistan, a suicidal Army Captain finds the one therapy that helps him cope causes blackouts, forcing him to confront the truth about the death of his brother years before.
- Great – love the logline, well written!
- Great word count – tells the story, AND not too long (word count 260)
One Page:
NOT FORGOTTEN is the story of Frank Parris, a former college football star and career Army captain, who suffers catastrophic injuries at the hands of a suicide bomber in Afghanistan. A double amputee, with a traumatic brain injury that eliminates any chance for his continued career in the military, Frank believes his life is over. Not even a loving wife and a five-year-old son, who worships him even more than his beloved Transformers, can bring Frank out of his depression.
- Excellent opening and intro to the character! We get a feel of who he ‘was’ and who he ‘becomes’ very quickly. Love the family element, brings heart to the story, the word ‘worship’ tells it all, gives the story immediate depth and subtext.
When he refuses his prosthetics and stops physical therapy, Frank’s family and doctors become extremely concerned. As a last resort, his doctor introduces him to adaptive scuba diving, an extreme sport that is highly effective in helping wounded warriors accept their “new reality.” At first he’s skeptical. Then 5-year-old Tyler shows him a drawing he’s done with Frank on one side in a wheelchair and on the other as Optimus Prime, a superhero with titanium limbs, and asks, “Daddy, why won’t you be a Transformer?” Frank realizes that his career isn’t all he’s going to lose and he agrees to try.
- Again, we see a possible transformation in his character, propelled by an emotional child. Great choice. I “Wants to see what happens”! Good opportunity for him to face a massive challenge, and we aren’t sure he’ll make it. Can go either way.
Frank embraces his scuba training with the zeal of a true athlete until he finds that every time he goes into the water, he suffers a blackout. After his doctors eliminate all the potential physical causes, Frank is forced to confront the memory of his involvement in the waterproofing accident that took the life of his younger brother and several members of his unit years before or give up any hope of coming to terms with his new life.
- The ‘waterproofing accident’ confused me. Can you clarify or leave out cause and suggest? I did look up an article in the NYTimes which talks about an accident such as this where one man may die, but overall don’t understand what that could be – do you think this might confuse reader?
- I love the idea and see lots of possibilities for challenges, conflict and character growth. Great job!
-
-
Hi Diana,
I needed to add to your critique. I do that sometimes, hope you don’t mind.
You have a period after Massai Warrior. I would replace the periods with comma’s; otherwise, the sentence is a fragment. Though, sometimes they work.
If Adam (Adam’s) is infatuated with Tara, why would he want to destroy her?
Adam Jackson name should be defined for clarity as soon as possible. Also he appeared out of nowhere, finally, I made the connection that he is the friend closer than a brother. Keep your writing as clear as you can.
The name, Adam, changes to Adams. Which is it?
I like how each character wants something. Some plays do not have that, and it gives the play purpose and motivation.
I like how you worked out the loyalty thing. It puts the characters in an upheaval. That makes for conflict, and conflict always drives a story.
I would dismiss the history of the blade. It is inconsequential. Go for the essence. I like your script. Thanks for letting me peruse it. Karen Crider
-
MEMOIR – Assignment #1
What I learned:
I realized my script, is in fact a political-religious romantic comedy.In trying to define the essential structure of my story for a One Page, I recognized the basic elements that moved the story forward, what I needed to keep and what was NOT important to describe. As a result, it was clear the political & religious themes were woven from beginning to end along with the romantic chemistry among the characters, both integral to telling the story.
MEMOIR Logline:
A renowned, enigmatic artist returns home to LA to premiere a documentary film about Arab and Israeli musicians creating peace through their concerts, but she must decide whether to expose her own reclusive life in an memoir to promote the film she passionately believes in, despite the objections of her mother, a former lover and an industrial magnate.
MEMOIR One Page:
Rebekah Dari, renown and elusive visual artist, returns home to LA after two years for the world premiere of the documentary she helped produce: Cousins in Concert. The film is about Israeli neighbors – Arabs, Muslims, Christians, Jews – coming together with professional musicians to make music and create peace. Bekah passionately believes this project can be a model for the world; proof positive that the arts can solve conflict among neighbors and nations when governments fail.
Rebekah arrives from Tel Aviv just as conflict between Gaza and Israel erupts in the summer of 2014. Dr. Alex Kogan accompanies her. They have come to celebrate the opening of The New Center for Middle Eastern Studies. Alex is The Center’s first visiting professor. The world premiere of Cousins in Concert will be the crown jewel in the inaugural week’s festivities.
Rebekah’s mother, Judith, and her niece, Abby, are stocking up her apartment when Rebekah and Alex arrive. Judith fills them in on details of the emerging Middle Eastern conflict and insists they both come to Shabbat dinner. Abby makes arrangements to pick up Alex later at his hotel.
Rebekah is awakened from a quick nap when the journalist Jonathan Krupnik keeps ringing her doorbell. He is after a book deal for her memoir, a real coup from the reclusive artist who hates publicity. Bekah rejects the proposal, but wants him to write about the film. Chemistry between the two is apparent as they try to convince each other which project is most important, until Jonathan reveals he knows she needs the money. Rebekah is appalled that he hacked into her financial accounts and kicks him out.
Abby arrives just before Krupnik leaves and he enlists her support for the memoir. Later at dinner, Abby reveals the book proposal. Judith is adamantly against it, but Alex thinks it could be a good idea. As they all discuss events, conflict and history, Rebekah unconsciously begins to gather thoughts about what she might write. At the end of dinner, media relations director Raina Gordon calls to tell Rebekah and Alex they are scheduled Monday for a radio interview to publicize The New Center and film.
The esteemed journalist Pam Torrison interviews Alex and Rebekah for their insights and understanding on the escalating Gaza/Israeli conflict. The next set of guests arrives: Edgar Pepsing, industrial tycoon and benefactor of The New Center, and his prospective son-in-law and Senatorial candidate, Charles Talmage. After the groups cross paths, Charles turns to Raina and asks if Rebekah still paints portraits.
Charles surprises Rebekah at her apartment. Rebekah is amazed to discover he is her first love all grown up and agrees to do his portrait. When Jonathan Krupnik arrives unannounced, Charles leaves quickly. Jonathan offers to support Rebekah’s film and convinces her the autobiography is a great way to do it.
That Thursday evening, all the characters emerge in their glittering finest after the premiere of the documentary. It is a tremendous success and possible contender for an Academy Award.
Three weeks later Rebekah is hard at work writing her memoir. Alex and Abby arrive to ask her to attend a meeting to promote Cousins for an Oscar. She declines but the French Lebanese movie star Tristan Givré shows up unexpectedly and agrees to go instead. Charles Talmage arrives for his portrait and is terribly upset to learn he’s in Rebekah’s memoir. He’s afraid it will jeopardize his Senate race. When Jonathan arrives, Charles offers him a job at Pepsing’s newspaper if he’ll drop Rebekah’s book. Jonathan refuses. Charles threatens to have him fired. Rebekah overhears and kicks Charles out.
The next morning at Rebekah’s, Judith greets Charles and Edgar with nut horns and coffee to try to change their minds bout the book. Edgar and Judith have an immediate attraction even though they are on opposite sides of the political and religious spectrum. Rebekah returns to see her ploy has worked better than expected, and then Callie arrives with some dazzling revelations. She is Charles fiancée and Edgar’s daughter. When Jonathan arrives, Callie announces she is pregnant, that her dad should run for Senate instead of Charles and publish Rebekah’s book. In a complete reversal of expectations, three happy couples agree and the story ends in joyful celebration.
-
Hi Ann!
This is an interesting project and a different take on a romantic story.
I think you have more of a treatment here than a one sheet. Can you whittle down the story even further so that you really only tell the story at a high level? If so, I think you will get a better response to the project.
Looking forward to reading more!
Shannon
-
-
What I’ve learned doing this assignment are the simple components of a logline, and how a One-Page can help focus the core of your story
Subject: Mike Egenolf’s logline and One-Page
Title: Sedona Charm
Logline: After a fake “reading” inadvertently sends the would-be man of her dreams into the arms of another, a hack fortune teller embraces the truth and finds her true destiny.
<div>
</div><div>Sedona Charm, a third-generation fortune teller who believes the “gift” has skipped a generation. She is awful at her job, about to turn 30, and is tired of sitting home alone each night reading romance novels. She is ready to give up this unfulfilling life and move to LA with her cousin to open a dog bakery.
Until the would-be man of her dreams walks into her shop by mistake. Sedona seizes on the opportunity and offers him a free reading. The man humors her though clearly a non-believer. Sedona tells him he is about to meet the woman of his dreams and she goes into detail exactly how that meeting will happen. The man, amused, thanks her and leaves. When he meets a fascinating new woman moments after leaving Sedona’s shop, in exactly the manner Sedona had described, he instantly becomes a believer and thinks he has just met his soul mate.
Sedona is disappointed that her plan backfired so spectacularly. She hatches a new plan to convince the man that this new mysterious woman is not the woman she had “envisioned.”
Sedona’s mother, Agatha, a gifted seer in her own right, is hatching a plan of her own.
Sedona’s target, Mr. Chase Random of Los Angeles, quickly tires of his new “soul mate” and decides she isn’t Miss Right after all.
A chance meeting at the dinner party of a mutual acquaintance, orchestrated by Agatha, brings Sedona and Chase together.
Sedona feels guilty for trying to manipulate Chase into liking her. She is falling for him but her guilt stabs her in the belly every time she sees him. While having dinner with her mother, Sedona tells her she’s going to come clean to Chase. Agatha warns her to leave well enough alone. At the table behind them, Chase’s business partner hears the whole sordid tale and fills Chase in on what had happened. Chase is furious. He confronts Sedona and Sedona tries to explain the unexplainable. Chase says he never wants to see her again.
Chase, however, cannot seem to get Sedona out of his mind. He sees her everywhere he goes.
Agatha has seen enough and decides to take matters into her own hands. She believes in her daughter’s gift even if Sedona does not. And she believes Chase is the man for Sedona. Agatha confronts Chase at a restaurant. Chase puts up a defiant front yet secretly wants to hear about Sedona. Agatha takes him through the reading Sedona had given him the day the two met. Step by step every step describing precisely the method in which he and Sedona had met. After an effective demonstration of her gift of second sight, she leaves Chase to ponder.
Chase knows in his heart that Sedona is the one. To win her back, he takes over Sedona’s old shop and converts it into the Dog Bakery she’d dreamed of opening.
They meet on the outside deck of a restaurant in full view of the Red Rocks. He professes his love, and they kiss.
</div>
-
Hi Michael! What a great story. I can see it play out in my mind. You have a lot of potential to create both funny and heartwarming scenes.
You may want to add something that hints at the fact that the ‘fake’ reading actually comes to fruition. That aspect is a great part of the story.
I was a little confused about who was who in the one sheet. I think Chase is the one she gives a fake reading to at the beginning, correct? If so, put his name in that line for clarification.
Looking forward to reading more on this story.
Shannon
-
-
What I learned: I may have too many details that are unnecessary in my story.
The Faithful One
Logline: A newly widowed India woman travels with her mother-in-law to her rural hometown in Kansas where she meets a wounded man who proves to be the love of her life.
When a tragic accident in India claims two brother’s lives, their wives are left to care for their mother-in-law, Naomi. Finding no reason to remain in a foreign country, Naomi decides to move back to her rural hometown in Kansas. One daughter-in-law, Amana, a structural designer, insists on traveling with her back home. When Naomi objects, Amana vows not just to travel home with her but also to care for Naomi always.
Back in Kansas, Naomi meets with Ben, the executor of her family trust, who informs her that her late husband retained a building they owned in which her bakery business was housed before they moved to India. She is told that the building is still hers…if she pays the back taxes before the government auctions it.
Ben talks with Oscar and Jay, Naomi’s best friend’s sons, about her situation. When Oscar offers to help, Jay takes great offense and forbids Oscar from getting involved. As the older brother, Jay agrees to help Naomi if and when she needs it.
Amana gets a labor job with a house rehab company, a leap down from her artistic office job in Bangalore. The owner of the small company is Oscar. He discovers Amana’s talent and moves her to a position working with him in the planning stage of new projects. The two build a friendship as they learn that they share interests and life experiences.
Jay and Oscar, both in construction, bid on a large-scale project coming to town. Against Oscar’s advice, Jay wins the bid and must leverage everything he owns in order to meet the terms in the agreement.
As Naomi’s efforts to ascertain funds for the taxes are fruitless, Ben assures her that Oscar and Jay will help, an option she would like to avoid in hopes of retaining her dignity in the small community. When it’s clear that Naomi is out of options, she finally asks Ruth to go to Jay and Oscar for help.
As expected, Jay is unable to help Naomi. Oscar, having fallen in love with Amana, is more than happy to pay the taxes. He offers Amana two options; either sign a business agreement giving him a very small stake in the bakery they plan to reopen or marry him. Amana accepts the ring he presents before he can finish his question: Will you marry me?
Log in to reply.