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Day 10 Assignment
Reply to post your assignments.
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17 Replies
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Ian Greenham: Meaningful Action
In the following scene I added in Cal jumping up from his chair, throwing his arms in the air and walking in a circle behind his chair, to emphasize his high level of agitation at what his attorney had just told him. I then added him returning to his chair when the attorney offers the prosect of a solution.
INT. ATTORNEY’S OFFICE – DAY
Cal Knifton sits in the office of his attorney, NIGEL Beaumont, across the desk from the attorney, who’s browsing through a short agreement.
NIGEL
So, if she walks out and sues for divorce, according to the prenup, she gets half your assets.
CAL
You mean half my personal assets, or business assets as well?
NIGEL
The whole works, including the business.
Cal jumps up from his chair, throws his arms in the air, and does a circle around behind his chair.
CAL
Whoa! Why did we ever agree to that?
NIGEL
When you signed this Cal, you were in love, and your business wasn’t worth a crumpet.
CAL
But we should have changed it, as the business grew.
NIGEL
That’s not how it works.
Nigel turns a page of the document he’s browsing, and looks up with mild excitement.
NIGEL (CONT’D)
Ah ha! Here you go.
Cal looks hopeful, returns to his chair and leans forward on Nigel’s desk.
CAL
What is it?
NIGEL
If she commits an act of marital infidelity, the prenup is void. In that case, she’d get nothing.
CAL
Marital infidelity… but I’d have to prove it.
NIGEL
Isn’t that what your business does all the time… catch people cheating?
CAL
Well, that’s not all it does, but it does do that.
Nigel smiles with satisfaction.
NIGEL
And does it well, so I understand.
Cal is a little more cautious.
CAL
Sometimes.
In ding this
assignment I learned the importance of scrutinizing each scene to take a
critical look at its action/inaction. -
Alice’s Meaningful Action
What I learned doing this assignment is when you remake it, you start questioning other scenes.
INT. SECOND FLOOR – AFTERNOON
Platinum alone stands on top of the white steps of staircase construction.
Guards call him, being at Second Floor.
LENSOR
Platinum! Where are your workers?
PLATINUM
We have a break. My father, you know, mine and Crystal, told me a story. Once he was in love with a woman. Then, she disappeared. And he became desperate. Wherever his look would fall, he would draw her initials. Time was running, and he couldn’t get out of his surrounding, as apple cannot dis-attach from the brunch on its own accord. Finally, the woman was gone. No, it was not that lady he used to adore, and she probably lost most of her qualities. And he wasn’t grieving much. But after a while, he noticed that he doesn’t want to inscribe her initials anymore. Because physical meeting was not possible. She was gone. I couldn’t see, why he told me this, even though I could get all his feelings. But now, when we are in this underground, where we will see each other forever, unless it would become really aggravated…
SILICIUM
Isn’t it aggravated enough already?
PLATINUM
Yes! But you can’t imagine how long we prepared. We discussed this for ages. We searched the map, picked up this underground. It was as if made for us! They couldn’t tell us “Take more people!” because there would be no place to put them. Few stupid women to conduct the surgery, if such would be required, and we are fine. Your appearance was a miracle.
LENSOR
Yeah!
PLATINUM
So only now, when we are here, I understand why he told me this. It seems to me that this apple, which can’t dis-attach itself from the brunch, is our planet. And that all those ladies we adore, would be gone, and we won’t have to inscribe their initials!
All three keep silence for a while.
PLATINUM
I knew that! When you called me, I knew, I would relate you this story, which isn’t mine. And that you will be silent! Never had such a feeling of futility prior. Don’t tell my workers though! I only proposed this staircase to occupy with something.
LENSOR
All right!
PLATINUM
Don’t tell your father either!
Platinum goes downward, back to construction.
LENSOR
I wonder, what lady would inscribe my initials?
SILICIUM
What about Eternal? If she really is so, she must survive this!
LENSOR
I think of the apple, which cannot dis-attach itself from the brunch!
SILICIUM
I’m not that much of a philosopher.
LENSOR
Me neither! Let’s go, ask Keepers! Come, come!
He’s urging Silicium after oneself, as he directs his steps to the Keepers’ Room.
INT. KEEPERS ROOM – AFTERNOON
Lensor and Silicium go inside of the room.
Room is dark.
Black and white images of a video are poured by projector upon the screen.
Monotonous voice accompanies a documental.
LECTURER (V.O.)
“And so, they tried to overdone it, and they succeeded, up to the point to the possibility of kid being born steady and live without a head.”
Image of a headless baby on the screen.
LECTURER (V.O.)
“So it was going on for a while, till they did find ways to alleviate it with a medicine to be consumed every hour by a pregnant woman, even from the moment of conception.”
LENSOR
I knew it!
Lensor removes himself outside.
Quartz switches video off.
SILICIUM
It’s not for a fourteen years old girl!
Gilding appears from the dark, where she was sitting on the chair near Diamond.
GIDING
It’s my fault! I asked to watch a video!
MAGNESIUM
I’m sorry! It’s not “educational video” we hoped for, but it was marked as such. Maybe, it was put there on purpose. I don’t know about educational side of it, but… what do you think?
DIAMOND
I only knew we must consume the medicine!
GILDING
I always thought it is inevitable!
MAGNESIUM
What? Death? Life? Love? Childbirth?
GILDING
To consume it!
MAGNESIUM
You are naive! Naive, and never will know, how to live without this sidewalk. Strange side to the Love!
SILICIUM
Love is sweet! How strange it is to think that some people don’t know it!
DIAMOND
Like who?
CARBON
Like Disheveled.
Carbon approaches Diamond, caresses her, stroking her hair.
CARBON
Don’t be afraid, I’m not the one to rape you!
Carbon goes out.
Lime appears at the doorway.
LIME
What have you been doing?
A BIT LATER
SILICIUM
Don’t be so sensitive!
LENSOR
Oh, I’m pretty sentimental!
SILICIUM
Then I am romanticized!
Platinum at the yard climbs staircase, in a middle of construction. He’s below the level of Second Platform.
PLATINUM
Lensor! Guards! Did you tell that?
Lensor shakes his head negatively, to say “No”.
SILICIUM
I’ll go to him! Thanks God, Carbon is coming!
Silicium follows after Carbon down to the Basement.
INT. YARD – AFTERNOON
Carbon goes down the staircase, toward Platinum.
PLATINUM
What is it?
CARBON
Watched “educational video’, so called.
SILICIUM
There is this image of headless kid!
PLATINUM
You had to call me!
CARBON
You was occupying with your fucking staircase!
PLATINUM
Who watched it?
CARBON
Both girls did!
Platinum hits staircase with his boots.
INT. KEEPERS ROOM – AFTERNOON
HYDRO
What happened?
QUARTZ
Ask Platinum. This video was marked as “No Watch”!
HYDRO
Why did you put it on?
INT. TOP FLOOR, BEFORE SILICIUM’S ROOM – AFTERNOON
CAMEO
Diamond! Diamond!
DIAMOND (O.S.)
Don’t come in!
CAMEO
Diam!
Cameo throws the ball over the wall.
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Jeff / Meaningful Action
What I learned? There’s many ways to level up the entertainment value of a scene-no more talking heads.
Old way- The Ride Home
Einstein and dude are driving on the freeway when Einstein asks Dude “How did you do it?” Homelessness?
Dude explains the grueling day to life that he lived.
New way/ The Ride Home
Going across Coronado bridge Dude looks out to downtown San Diego V.O.
Dude explains the difficulties of life, murder, suicide, drugs rape and the daily survival hunt for food. All while images of these things are shown to the audience.
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Showing these things sounds like a good way. Will they be in flashbacks of Dude’s life?
I wonder if another way to show this would be to have them get into some situation on the way home where Dude may be seen as a homeless person by some stranger and he is treated badly, so Einstein witnesses this first hand. – just one idea.
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Pam’s Meaningful Action
What I learned: This exercise is harder than it looks! I struggled to come up with solutions to some of my Talking Heads scene. And then I had an idea for the scene shown below. The text highlighted in bold shows the Meaningful Action that I added.
POINT OF SCENE: Henri is struggling with his new identity. He misses his old world: his professional life, and his rise to fame; his personal life — particularly his grandfather, “Papy.”
– – – – – – – – –
TANGLED UP
Genre: Rom-Com/Thriller
Logline: When a top Hollywood hairstylist witnesses a murder, he’s relocated to rural Vermont and works incognito as a dog groomer to evade the dangerous hitman. In his faux world, he meets his soulmate — but can’t tell her who he really is.
– – – – – – – – –
INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY
Henri shifts impatiently as he dials a number on a pay phone. The phone rings.HENRI
C’mon, Papy. Pick up!The phone continues to ring and ring, with no answer or pickup to voicemail. Henri looks despondent.
He sluggishly moves to a computer and sits. Henri looks around, making sure no one can watch what he’s doing. He browses the internet.
He logs onto the International Hair Show website. Clicks the “GUEST SPEAKERS” tab, which features his headshot and the caption “SPECIAL CELEBRITY GUEST STYLIST, HENRI BERGER.” Henri sighs and glumly stares at the page.
Hits the “REFRESH” button and gasps. His photo and caption have been updated to promote Marc Riche.
BARISTA
(in the background)
Henry Shepherd, your order is ready.He’s in a sad trance, more depressed than ever. Doesn’t respond to the barista.
HENRI
(staring at the computer)
Well, that didn’t take long.BARISTA
(loudly)
Henry Shepherd, order up!Henri snaps out of it and heads to the counter. He softens when he sees a senior gentleman who doesn’t have quite enough money to pay his tab.
Henri steps over and offers to buy his lunch. The man is grateful and shakes Henri’s hand. Henri smiles and says “yes” when the old man asks if Henri will join him.
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Subject: Neil’s Meaningful Action Notes in bold print with new tension scenes to be added during the big ambush event lead-up and the ambush.
I am learning like gang busters right now. My ideas are flowing faster then I can write the scenes. Many meaningful additions about to be added to add tension and suspense. The bolded added scene notes just after scenes 8, 11, and 21 are my plans to pump up those scenes. Then the big all’s lost scenes starting on scene 73 and following, see the added bolded scene notes to see my plans for ramping up the tension, action and empathy.
Military Family Blues
Logline: During a deployment, two spirited, unrelated military reserve families on the verge of divorce inadvertently begin to humorously find solace from the other family’s spouses before the deployment turns deadly.
Beat sheet Rating Chart
A. To what degree does it evoke emotion?
B. To what degree does it intrigue or create curiosity?
C. To what degree does it make us want to read on?
D. To what degree does it divert us from our lives?
Beat Sheet
INT. BILL AND MARY’S HOUSE – MASTER BEDROOM – NIGHT
-Bill wakes and gets ready to leave for his deployment. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
2. LIVING ROOM – SHORT TIME LATER
-Bill finishes packing his duffle bag with a bottle of WHISKEY and a SWITCHBLADE. Leaves a CARD and ANNIVERSARY GIFT on the table. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
3. BOYS BEDROOM
-Bill kisses the boys while they are still sleeping. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
4. MASTER BEDROOM
-Bill kisses is daughter and turns to Mary, his wife, and she explodes, “I want a divorce!” -Shocking Bill deeply and put him at a disadvantage. (A. 7, B. 9 C. 9, D. 9)
5. INT. SAMATHA (SAM) IN HER SUV – NIGHT
-Sam is distraught about something as she drives to the Air Force base. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
6. INT. BILL DRIVING IN HIS SUV – NIGHT
-Bill in shock trying to drive to the Air Force base. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
7. EXT. AIR FORCE BASE PARKING LOT – NIGHT
-Sam pulled herself together and heads to report for duty. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
8. INT. CIVIL ENGINEERING ASSEMBLY ROOM – EARLY MORNING
-Meet the AF Civil Engineers mechanical systems team. Sam explains Bill is the only guy she trusts because he is, “MISTER MARRIED MAN.” (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
Running gag #1 “MISTER MARRIED MAN.” Used by Sam to remind the normally frisky Bill he is married. Used even when Bill is not being frisky because he has been labeled from his past weak behavior incidents. BUT, by divine grace, he has NOT EVER messed up…yet. He just gets frisky once in a while to try to build-up a female teammate that is lacking in confidence around men. In general, Bill deeply cares for non-confident people that he sees hidden talent that if highlighted could come out boosting each person’s confidence. Bill acting frisky has hurt his reputation even though he has not ever messed up, but Bill just blows that label off and continues to help people that he can see away to encourager.
9. INT. FIRE STATION LOCKER ROOM – DAY
-Tom, Sam’s husband talks with the fire station chaplain about his troubled marriage. Also, chaplain tells Tom to look-out for a military family that needs help with home repairs that they could help. Chaplain tell Tom to read PROVERBS 5:15-19. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
10. INT. AIR FORCE TRANSPORT AIRCRAFT – DAY
-Sam and Bill talk on the long flight to Honduras. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
11. INT. GROCERY STORE PARKING LOT – EVENING
-Mary, Bill’s wife meets Tom for the first time. He helps her. They don’t know their spouses are deployed together. It is snowing hard as Tom fixes her flat tire. Mary notices TOM’S COLOGNE and likes it, a lot. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
Note: This is the beginning of running gag #2 affecting the four main characters that are married members with an intact Christian value system of not cheating on their spouses. Their value system arch begins to disintegrate slowly as different sexy situations begin to pop-up and progresses as long as the divorce possibility (main excuse) is on the table.
12. INT. AIR FORCE TRANSPORT AIRCRAFT – DAY (CONTINUED)
-Sam and Bill find out they are BOTH ON THE VERGE OF DIVORCE. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
13. FLASHBACK – INT. BASE CIVILIAN OFFICE – NIGHT
Bill remembers how his boss noticed he was over doing work. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
14. FLASHBACK CONTINUES – INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
-Bill remembers how Mary didn’t like his temporary fixes for the DISHWASHER and broken BACK DOOR. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
15. I/E. GARAGE/DRIVEWAY – DAY
-Mary arrives home and fines out Tom followed her home. Creepy at first. But finds out only his wife is deployed too. He guesses she is in Saudi the last place he knows she went too. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
16. INT. KITCHEN – DAY
-Disheveled but sexy Mary feeding their two children and breastfeeding the youngest. When the doorbell sounds. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
17. I/E. FRONT DOOR – DAY
-Storm is over. Tom’s offers to snow blow her property.
Mary relents as she lets her guard down. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
18. INT. GARAGE – DAY
-Mary caught bare foot wearing only “wear at home flannel PJs,” with no bra. She is bounding around the garage with her bare feet on the super cold floor. Tom being a red blooded man, secretly notices and likes what he sees, but tries not to look for moral reasons. MAN OF INTEGRITY FIGHTING HIS INSTINCTS. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
19. INT. BEDROOM – DAY
-Mary listens to the sound of the snowblower as she brushes her hair and quickly getting dressed.
-Mary watches Tom from the window wondering. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
20. KITCHEN – LATER
-Mary hears the snowblower in the garage. Reacts by stopping what she is doing quickly and heads for the door to see this CURIOUSLY INTRIGUING POLITE MAN THAT SMELLS GOOD.
(A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
21. INT. GARAGE – DAY
-Mary barefoot bounding around the garage again. Tom asked if they needed any repairs for the house. His fire station is looking for a military family that needs help. Mary identifies the old DISHWASHER AND broken BACK DOOR. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
NOTE: Having landed in country, play-up the perception the Army views this AF crew as not well trained infantry solders, so nobody they can count on in a combat situation, and maybe even a detriment if things go bad quickly during an attack. Totally over-looking the AF member’s hidden talents. They roll their eyes when AF asked for what the Army considers a luxury item or idea. Running gag #3.
22. EXT. VISITING NCO TRANSIT QUARTERS – DAY
-Sam assigns the room next to her room to Bill reminding him he is married, so don’t peek through the gaps in the walls from the rough hewn wood, “MISTER MARRIED MAN.” (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
23. INT. TRANSIT NCO QUARTERS HALLWAY – DAY
-Bill rushes out to go shower. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
24. SAM’S ROOM
-Sam laughs realizes the shower is about to close for cleaning and Bill does not realize it yet. Then leaves to see what is about to happen. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
25. INT. MEN’S LATRINE SHOWER BAY – DAY
-Muscular Bill is in the vast, wide-open bay shower room at the shower in the furthest corner. He is soaping himself up. (A. 7, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)
26. MEN’S SHOWER BAY ENTRANCE/SHOWER BAY – DAY
-The three Honduran women suddenly realize someone is in the shower as they sneak to the shower bay door and peek in.
-Sam comes up behind them, startling them as she is holding her finger to her lips. They relax.
(A. 9, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)
27. SHOWER BAY
-Bill hears a sound, stops, looks around, but does not see anything. He returns to showering.
(A. 9, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)
28.SHOWER BAY ENTRANCE.
-Ladies block the Shower room door forcing Bill to have to push past them. (A. 9, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)
29. SHOWER BAY
-Bill struts toward the ladies blocking the door to the beat of Stay’en Alive in his head. Big smile. He is beginning to get his mojo back after the shock from Mary as he was leaving.
(A. 9, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)
30. SHOWER BAY ENTRANCE/DRYING ROOM
-Bill pushes through the ladies line getting his ass slapped, boobs shimmying in his face and Sam hands him is towel. Sam watches as a hand print from the slap begins to appear. Bill red faced but cares on until he leaves.
-Sam fires her warning to Bill when he gets a little too frisky, “MR MARRIED MAN.”
(A. 9, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)
31. INT. HOUSE BEDROOM – NIGHT
-Tom follows the oldest son James six years old into the master bedroom not realizing at first Mary is breast feeding Christiana and is totally topless in the privacy of her bedroom. (A. 9, B. 8, C. 8, D. 9)
32. MASTER BEDROOM
-Mary wearing only baggy old gym shorts was a little shocked but a pro at breast feeding so she smiles at Tom’s huge reaction. Stumbling as he tries to retreat with James not moving fast at all. (A. 8, B. 8, C. 8, D. 9)
33. HALLWAY
-Shocked Tom runs back out into the hall and apologies through the now cracked door.
(A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
34. MASTER BEDROOM
-Mary has a panic attack or baby blues. Tom comforts her.
-Tom tells why he was there. The dishwasher will be replaced tomorrow. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
35. EXT. HONDURAS MILITARY BASE – EVENING
-Airmen arrive at La Ceba Honduran Army base. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
36. INT. BUS – EVENING
-Everyone blocked by a senior NCO until someone breaks wind and they all push pass the weak leader. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
37. EXT. OUTSIDE THE BUS – DAY
-They get briefed by special forces in civilian clothes. Warned about deadly snakes and critters in the showers and tall grass.
-Maj Fox toys with them. Airmen vow to get even before they leave in the morning. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
38. INT. AIR FOCE TENT – EVENING
-Airmen split up between two tents. Sam and Bill have their cots next to each other. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
39. INT. AIR FORCE TENT – NIGHT
-Heavy rain storm in the middle of the night. Bill notices Sam is not wearing a bra under her tight tee shirt. Tries not to stare as he thinks about he maybe getting divorced. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
40. INT. AIR FORCE TENT – NIGHT
-Sam gets Bill up at 4:30 to check the women’s shower hooch for snakes.
-Sam fires her warning to Bill when he gets a little too frisky, “MR MARRIED MAN” (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
41. EXT. WOMEN’S SHOWER HOOCH – NIGHT.
-Sam waits outside as getting playful Bill goes into he shower. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
42. INT. WOMEN’S SHOWER – NIGHT
-Bill opens the door finding the lights then walks around banging things with his long three-cell flashlight. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
43. EXT. WOMEN’S SHOWER – NIGHT
-The urge to say something wildly inappropriate surges through his brain.
-Sam asks him to sit outside the door and guard it while she showers. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
44. EXT. WOMEN’S SHOWER – NIGHT.
-Bill sitting on the steps notices Maj Foxes hooch next door. He bull shits two Army troops telling them he just saw a coral snake go under the hooch across from them. (A. 8, B. 8, C. 8, D. 9)
45. EXT. MAJOR FOX’S HOOCH – NIGHT
-As they are running to check to see if it came out the other side. Bill yells he saw it going hole in the floor board. Noise and lights increase as other join the search outside. Bill hears the major moving furniture around in his hooch, as Sam comes out of the Women’s shower hooch and they walks away quickly. (A. 7, B. 8, C. 9, D. 9)
46. EXT. TRAIL BACK TO TENT – EARLY MORNIN
-Sam and Bill romantically begin to walk back to their tent bumping shoulders. (A. 7, B. 8, C. 8, D. 9)
47. INT. HOME KITCHEN – DAY
-Mary shows the two young firemen her broken dishwasher. On the verge of divorce and Intimacy deprived, Mary looks at these young men briefly as she shares her home made CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES. They jump in and enjoy a few. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
48. INT. HOME KITCHEN – DAY
-Mike and Alex show Mary her new top-of-the-line last years model dishwasher. She is moved to tears she is so relieved.
-CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
49. EXT. DIRT PATH BACK TO TENT – EARLY MORNING
-Sam wants to know what he was doing. He fills her in and suggests maybe he should have told all the guys there was a snake under the shower hooch so he could see her in all her glory like she saw him. She reminded him humorously how badly she would hurt him if he ever did anything like that.
-They romantically walk toward the rising sun returning to their tent.
-Sam fires her warning to Bill when he gets a little too frisky, “MR MARRIED MAN” (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
50. INT. HOME DAYCARE BACK DOOR – DAY
-Mary shows two other young firemen the back door. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
51. INT. HOME DAYCARE BACK DOOR – DAY
-They show Mary the replaced new storm door.
-They get Mary’s homemade CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
52. INT. BUS – DAY
-Meet some of the other team members and see the conditions military members are forced to operate in without complaining. Just taking things in stride. School bus without A/C while it is over 100 degrees.
-Male hardbody jogging catching some females eyes. Reality for some and annoying to others but at any rate SPECIAL FORCES are in the area. Foreshadowing trouble. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
53. INT. AIR FORCE HARDBACK TENT – DAY
-13 AF members in one tent including a female and an Officer. The members try to plan to give Sam a little privacy. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
54. INT. SUPPLY TENT – DAY
-CE members borrow (steal) some plywood on the down low just for two short of two weeks.
(A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
55. INT. LAS DELICIAS MOBILE FEILD KITCHEN DINING ROOM – DAY
-Field conditions for eating.
-Bill and Sam stay behind and have a heart to heart talk. They are mulling over their options privately wondering if the other would be a good partner now that their spouse want to call it quits.
-Sam fires her warning to Bill when he gets a little too frisky, “MR MARRIED MAN” (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
56. EXT. MOBILE COMMUNICATIONS TRAILER #1 – DAY
-Bill quickly comes up with a plan to MacGyver fix the much needed A/C for this unit. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
57. EXT. ARMY POST COMPOUND – DAY
-Bill looking for a mud flap. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
58. INT. AIR FORCE HARDBACK TENT BILLS BUNK – DAY
-Bill has to break out the WHISKEY bottle he brought along to trade for a mud flap. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
59. INT. ARMY FEILD MOTOR-POOL – DAY
-Bill uses the Whiskey to have someone turn around while Bill Cuts a mud flap off a deuce and a half truck. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
60. INT. MOBLE COMMUNICATIONS TRAILER #1 – DAY
-Bill fashions a coupling out of the mud flap material and gets the A/C unit on the intel trailer up and running so they can now do their jobs. The coupling was on order for six months so Bill showed the Army how they could fashion parts like that coupling out of indigenous materials if you know where to look. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
61. EXT. MOBLE COMMUNICATIONS TRAILER #2 – DAY
-Bill swamps two legs on the 3 phase power cable providing power to the trailer and the A?C unit fan that was running backwards began to run forwards so now this trailer’s A/C could keep the intel equipment from over heating. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
62. EXT. TENT CITY – NIGHT
-Warning sirens blast in the night. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
63. INT. AIR FORCE HARDBACK TENT – NIGHT
-Bill checks his watch 0330 hrs Army troop is yelling to get their asses out and into the near-by bunker. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
64. EXT. AIR FORCE HARDBACK TENT – NIGHT
-Air Force in their underwear beat feet for the bunker WITHOUT FLASHLIGHTS. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
65. INT. SANDBAG BUNKER – NIGHT
-Bill and Sam are packed in the bunker tight with Army and AF troops packed body-to-body in their underwear. Sam feels someone touching her butt so Bill swings her around so her back is on the sandbag wall and Bill is eyeball to eyeball with her. Next they are pushed together so they are body to body. Billy accidentally, in the dark, touches her unharnessed breasts threw her tee shirt as the sexual tension rises quickly. They both are overcome with DESIRE in the pitch black bunker. Surrounded by airmen and soldiers. (A. 9, B. 8, C. 8, D. 9)
66. INT. AIR FORCE HARDBACK TENT – NIGHT
-Bunker drill over they rush back to their cots. Bill and Sam are totally FRUSTRATED and ridden with GUILT. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
67. INT. HOSPITAL BED – NIGHT – FLASHBACK
-Sam has a flashback about how Tom saved her life. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
68. INT. HOME KITCHEN – DAY
-Mary has all the guys that helped her over for dinner to show her thanks.
-Mary secretly really like Tom’s COLOGNE. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
69. LIVING ROOM
-CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
-Tom and Mary sit and talk after the other guys leave. They are getting drawn to each other.
(A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
70. INT. MASTER BEDROOM – NIGHT
-“adventure AWAITS” PLAQUE that she and Bill received when they got married, falls out of a box catching Mary by surprise. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
71. FLASHBACK MONTAGE – BILL AND MARY’S CHEERFUL WEDDING RECEPTION – DAY
-How they received the PLAQUE. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
72. INT. FIREHOUSE OFFICE – DAY
-BIG REVEAL: Tom finds out Sam didn’t willing pose for nude pictures. She was drugged. Their separation is based on her being victimized not faulting her body to strangers! Tom has a what did I do moment. He’s very upset with himself. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
73. INT. TEMPORARY FIELD KITCHEN DINING ROOM – DAY
-Thank you lunch from the Army to the AF airmen that have repaired a lot of the infrastructure problems they were having. Now can get to work much better with their mission.
Play up the fact they are AF not Army infantry.
(A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
74. EXT. TEMPORARY FIELD KITCHEN DINING ROOM – DAY
-Air Force and Army assemble to go for a drive so the AF can see the surrounding jungle area.
Play up AF shows up with weapons but no ammo. Army provides them with rounds and they have top load their magazines one round at a time. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
75. EXT. MONTAGE HONDURAN COUNTRYSIDE DIRT ROADS – DAY
-Honduran Countryside.
76. EXT. HONDURAN DIRT ROAD WITH PIECED TOGETHER SAMLL SHACKS – DAY
Locals watches as the convoy drives by beginning their sightseeing trip.
77. EXT. HONDURAN YARD BY A SHACK -DAY
A local cartel member radios somebody. (Start building tension.)
(A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
78. INT. CARTEL HEADQUARTERS BUILDING – DAY
-Someone at a desk with a radio responses to a call.
-Then hurries to the big boss.
79. INT. CARTEL BIG BOSSES OFFICE -DAY
Knock on door. Big boss with other cartel leaders present responses to the interruption.
Big boss listens to the courier.
-Big boss immediately springs into action giving orders to attack the American humvees.
80. EXT. CARTEL COMPOUND – DAY
-A swarm of bad guys with weapons are mobilized and jump into 2 ton truck with canvas cover and wood seats for the gaggle of bad guys to sit. Boss of the group jumps in a SUV and leads the way out of the cartel compound.
81. EXT. AMERICAN HUMVEES WIND THEIR WAY DOWN THE DIRT ROADS – DAY
No sense of urgency the Americans stop and take pictures of the jungle and shacks when no one is present and small rivers they drive through.
82. EXT. DIRT ROAD COMES OUT OF A SEVENTY YARD WIDE RIVER – DAY
-Two cartel members listening to a handheld radio.
-Orders are being given orders in Spanish to set up the ambush. We hear they have RPGs. They are to shoot the first humvee with a RPG when it gets to the center of the river. To stop the convoy in the middle of the river. They are to keep the Americans under fire so they cannot advance, while the compound cartel members snick up behind the Americans and waste them from the rear.
83. INT. HUMVEE – DAY
Americans enjoying the ride. Joking with each other and their new Army friends.
84. EXT. DIRT ROAD COMES OUT OF A SEVENTY YARD WIDE RIVER – DAY
-Two cartel members park their truck and get their weapons out of the back of the truck. -They find a good spot setting up to conceal themselves leaning one RPR launcher against a tree. With a second RPG rocket next to the launcher. Then pick up their AK-47s with extra magazines stuffed in their pockets.
85. INT. HUMVEE #1/HUMVEE #2 – DAY
-MSG Willis on the radio informs everyone they are coming to the wide river and cautions the second humvee driver Sam, to stay right behind the first and not stray to the left or right or left or she will have to get out and hook the chain on a tow vehicle standing in a filthy river. They all laugh. He adds that the road across underwater is not very wide so it is easy to get high centered if she gets off the lead humvee’s track. But stay back about fifty feet if she can so they are not two close while crossing.
86. EXT. DIRT ROAD COMES OUT OF A 100 YARD WIDE RIVER – DAY
-Cartel members think they hear the humbles coming. They radio the boss.
87. EXT. CARTEL TRUCKS ON DIRT ROADS – DAY
-The cartel trucks speed up driving wildly when they hear that the humvees are almost at the river.
88. EXT. DIRT ROAD GOING INTO THE RIVER – DAY
-Humvee#1 slows down and stops it stutters a little as the driver puts it into low four wheel drive. Humvee #2 follows suit taking their time and shifting into 4WD low. Then the humvees slowly make their way into the river.
-The water comes up to the bottom for the doors.
89. EXT. DIRT ROAD COMES OUT OF A SEVENTY YARD WIDE RIVER – DAY
-The two cartel members are going out of their minds they are so excited. They scream into the mike in Spanish, “They are in the river… the are in the river!”
90. INT. CARTEL TRUCKS SPEEDING ON DIRT ROADS – DAY
-The order comes back to hold on and not to shoot until they are halfway through the river and DON’T MISS!
91. EXT. DIRT ROAD COMES OUT OF A SEVENTY YARD WIDE RIVER – DAY
The cartel member with the RPG aims it through the bushes but can’t get a clear shot. He panics. They are getting closer.
-He tries again can’t see. In desperation he runs out of his cover and stands in teh middle of the road and fires.
92. EXT. HUMVEE #1 IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RIVER – DAY
-The up armored Humvee takes a direct hit in the low center of the front end. The humvee shoots up in the air then falls back in the river with the front end fallen in the rocket explosion crater.
-Then automatic gunfire erupts from where the RPG was fired. They open the doors so they have cover egressing to behind the disabled humvee.
93. EXT. HUMVEE #2 – DAY
-Sam grabs her AR and response TBD latter. Need research.
-They suddenly see the trucks hurdling toward them from the rear. Realizing they are trapped.
94. EXT. WIDE RIVER AMBUSH – DAY
-In the middle of a wide river, a cartel AMBUSHES the Army humvees. Sam makes AWESOME SHOT that ends the attack. But not after some are injured GRAVELY.
-Bill breaks out his super sharp SWITCHBLADE. To cut an injured Army troop out of his seat belt under fire. (A. 9, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)
NOTE: Renumber scenes when scene count gets reestablished.
77. INT. FIREHOUSE OFFICE – EVENING
-Tom finds out his wife SAM HAS BEEN INJURED. But how bad? They don’t know. News is someone died in the attack. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
78. INT. HOME KITCHEN – EVENING
-Mary finds out Bill has been INJURED. But how bad? (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
79. INT. HOME KITCHEN/GARAGE – DAY
-Mary’s sister will watch the children as Mary rushes to the hospital to see her husband. BILL is injured HOW BAD??? (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
80. EXT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT – DAY
-Mary and Tom RUSH to the local hospital INDEPENDENTLY where their spouses have been transferred too after receiving some treatment in Honduras. Both Mary and Tom keep missing each other in the fog of their worry for their spouses, as they PASS EACH OTHER looking for a parking place. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
81. INT. HOSPITAL INFORMATION DESK – DAY
-Same thing, Tom and Mary both MISS EACH OTHER by seconds in the hospital info desk.
(A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
82. INT. THIRD FLOOR HOSPITAL HALLWAY – DAY
-Tom and Mary both MISS EACH OTHER by seconds. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
83. BY THE ELEVATORS
-Tom and Mary both MISS EACH OTHER by seconds. (A.7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
84. OUTSIDE ROOM 310
-Mary doesn’t find Bill in his room. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
85. NURSE’S STATION
-Same thing, Tom and Mary both MISS EACH OTHER by seconds. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
86. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF HOSPITAL CHAPEL
-BIG REVEAL begins. Tom and Mary Meet outside the Chapel doors and get tangled up as they are excited and want to see their spouses. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
87. INT. INSIDE THE HOSPITAL CHAPEL – DAY
-Bill in a WHEEL CHAIR is teasing Sam with a bad picture of her he had in his hand. Sam on crutches, falls into Bill’s lap boobs first into Bill’s face just as the tangled Tom and Mary bust through the door, with a spirited black chaplain right on their heels.
-BIG REVEAL UNRAVELS ALL. And a Holy Spirit moment is declared by the Chaplain. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
88. INT. HOME LIVING ROOM – DAY
-“TWO MONTHS LATER”
-Resolution results. Bill and Mary tease each other about their almost infidelity.
-Mary is BUSTED with the COLOGNE. Bill knows why he’s now wearing it.
(A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
89. INT. HOME LIVING ROOM – DAY
-Brief humorous more to the wrap-up. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
90. INT. KITCHEN – DAY
-Bigger humous wrap-up.
-Mary REVEALS she knows about Sam’s use for “MR MARRIED MAN” on Bill.
-Mary’s CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES and her relationship with the whole fire department. All in good humor. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
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Bob’s Meaningful Action
What I learned from this assignment was that adding meaningful action can increase conflict in the scene and allow actions to foreshadow things to come. It also will require going back to earlier scenes to fill in some blanks.
Title: Eternal Flame
Genre: Romantic Comedy
Logline: When a married couple undergoing training to recognize each other in future lives die prematurely, the reincarnated husband must convince his reincarnated wife she is his soulmate before she marries her fiancé in less than a week.
Scene: Rebecca (the reincarnated soulmate of Jeff) asks her fiancé, Ken, to accompany her to Dr. Volger’s office where she can determine if she was Jeff’s soulmate. In the original version, Ken and Rebecca sit and talk in the waiting room and conclude it doesn’t matter if they were soulmates in a prior life. Even Lauren, the receptionist in the scene, is bored with their conversation. I rewrote it to add conflict (Ken doesn’t really want to be there) and to enhance other story lines (Ken has been confiding in Rebecca’s best friend, Gwen).
INT. DR. VOLGER’S WAITING ROOM – DAY
Ken and Rebecca enter the waiting room area. Lauren is sitting behind thedesk. Ken peruses the area, taking in the soulmate artwork while Rebecca approaches Lauren.
REBECCA
We’d like to see the doctor.
LAUREN
Sorry. No same day appointments. Doc’s got two actors this morning, a politician this afternoon, and he’s meeting a shortstop for lunch. Besides, you’re not current patients.
<b align=”center”>REBECCA
But it’s important.
<b align=”center”>LAUREN
Sorry…
Ken comes up behind Rebecca.
KEN
We’ll pay triple his hourly rate.
LAUREN
In that case, I’ll see if the Doc can squeeze you in. What type of appointment do you want?
REBECCA
I want to learn about a past life.
LAUREN
You want to be regressed?
REBECCA
If that’s what you call it.
Lauren picks up the phone and calls Volger.
LAUREN
Your names?
REBECCA
Ken and Rebecca. Rivers and Diamond.
Ken wanders back to the artwork. Takes a picture of “infinite hearts” off the wall.
KEN
This is bullshit you know.
REBECCA
Ken…
<b align=”center”>KEN
The guy is a scam artist – look at the pictures. I assume it’s him in his doctor bow tie with ShirleyMacLaine, with Wayne Gretsky. It’s all fake – he’s doing this for the money.
REBECCA
But what if it’s not?
KEN
Gwen told me you were having second thoughts.
REBECCA
I never said that.
KEN
Gwen said this guy. This homo dancer really got into your head.
REBECCA
This has nothing to do with anything Gwen said. Isn’t it important for you to know if we’re destined to be together?
Ken tosses the “infinite heart” artwork on the floor, damaging the frame. Lauren puts down the phone.
LAUREN
Sir, you can’t do that.
Ken grabs another soulmate piece of art.
KEN
And if this doctor regresses you and tells you the gay dancer is your soulmate, what then? Are you leaving me, running to this guy you barely know?
REBECCA
I don’t know.
(a beat)
I just thought…
KEN
If you don’t want to marry me, you can come up with a better reason than this mumbo jumbo.
Ken tosses the soulmate artwork on top of the “infinite heart” artwork.
<b align=”center”>LAUREN
Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
<b align=”center”>REBECCA
(ignoring Lauren)
I didn’t say I didn’t want to marry you.
Ken grabs the picture of Volger with Shirley MacLaine. Lauren gets up and takes it away.
<b align=”center”>LAUREN
Sir, please.
Ken takes a wad of money out of his pocket, hands in to Lauren.
KEN
For the damage.
(to Rebecca)
I’m out of here. I planned something special for rehearsal dinner tonight. That is, if you still want to marry me.
REBECCA
Of course I do. I’m sorry. Coming here was a stupid idea.
Rebecca takes Ken’s hand.
REBECCA (CONT’D)
We’re together now, in this life, and that’s all that matters.
Rebecca and Ken leave the area. As they leave Ken grabs a business card from a display. Dr. Volger enters the waiting area from his office.
VOLGER
What was all that?
LAUREN
She wanted to know if she was marrying her soulmate. I don’t need to be a hypnotist to see she’s not.
VOLGER
Who were they?
LAUREN
His name was Ken, I think her’s was Amanda.
-
Hi, Bob.
I think Ken’s verbal and physical trashing of the artwork on the wall really added some Meaningful Action to the scene. And it revealed another layer of his character, as well.
Best,
Pam -
Hello! Robert, you’ve got so many talking head scene in here. You must remake them. Get rid of unfinished sentences, sentences generic, like but.. etc. Like ‘I wanted to know if’ Because your ending is so cool! It’s like you giving all this long, made up dialog (not real) I don’t know where you remade it,… and this is for the sake of this ending. Your concept might be very strong, you don’t have to pretend it. I’ve got same mistakes absolutely. Just don’t blame me for saying it.
-
-
Mary’s Meaningful Action
What I learned doing this assignment is…when I considered the real purpose of the scene…that my main character Hannah, needs to get her “good patriot” notions challenged…then the possibilities opened up. It increased the entertainment value as well as making the scene memorable. In the first pass, it’s simply a short scene where the two girls travel from one place to another while talking.
1)Original Scene:
EXT. WHARF – DAY
Lydia hurries along the wharf. Hannah struggles to keep up.
HANNAH
I didn’t know you were Quakers.
LYDIA
I sensed thy rebel sentiments. Quakers must secret our passions.
HANNAH
What do you think Aunt Molly will do? He’s plotting to kidnap the whole party.
LYDIA
Aunt Molly will not let us go into danger.
Lydia stops in front of Captain Collett’s schooner.
Purpose: Hannah becomes educated about Patriots/Rebels and Lydia’s POV. Lydia reluctantly takes Hannah to go on an errand to buy spices from CAPTAIN COLLETT ship captain and family friend. On the way Hannah has her “good Patriot” notions challenged by Lydia when they see rebels tarring and feathering a custom’s official.[surprise]
Rewrite
EXT. WHARF – DAY
Lydia and Hannah round the corner to the wharf. Rowdy SAILORS decorate ships, celebrate, and crowd the docks.
HANNAH
What will Aunt Molly will do?…about the plot to kidnap congress.
As they weave their way through the crowd sailors heckle the girls. Lydia quickens the pace.
LYDIA
Mr. Galloway is a windbag. Aunt Molly will not lead us into danger.
A sailor grabs Hannah’s arm.
SAILOR
Come sail on my schooner girly.
HANNAH
(to sailor)
Hey! Get your hands off of me! I’m the boss of my body.
He recoils at Hannah’s bravado and releases her. She runs to catch up with Lydia
HANNAH
Did you see him. That guy grabbed me. He was in my personal space.
LYDIA
Thy speech is vastly strange. Keep up.
They approach a run-down dock.
HANNAH
Will she tell anyone?
LYDIA
Only if she feels moved by Divine guidance.
HANNAH
I didn’t know you were Quakers.
LYDIA
Disaffected to the American Cause. Surely this news has reached thy eager ears. The rebels say we are traitors.
HANNAH
You call patriots rebels?
LYDIA
Patriots. Rebels. All of one stripe. Lovers of war.
HANNAH
But the Patriots are fighting for our freedom.
A noisy rabble of sailors carry a terrified CUSTOM’S OFFICIAL covered with tar and feathers towards them. Hannah stares.
HANNAH
What is that?
LYDIA
Your Patriots have tarred and feathered the customs man. Barbaric.
Hannah is stricken by the scene.
LYDIA
The Patriots are fighting for our freedom? Like this? And what dost thou know of my freedom? Before this war I could go where I pleased . . . without a pass to leave the city! Without fear of attack by rebels. Why can’t things be as they were?
Lydia is on the verge of tears. She runs ahead.
-
Rewrite – Day #10 – Rae’s Meaningful Action
What I learned from this assignment is – no scene is ever a wrap – there is always
more to go.Jesi arrives home tired and dejected. Jackson pumps up her spirits with the usual
upbeat conversation, throws in Sinatra to boot. But tonight, Jesi is not so
receptive, brings up hidden agenda, focused mainly around her dysfunctional
relationship with her deceased mother.ADDED: Mother daughter flashback/ father daughter dialogue
INT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE – NIGHT
A record player blasts Sinatra’s “Summer Wind.”
JACKSON
Hey baby, how was your first day? Want me to turn this thing down?
JESI
No Dad, it’s all good.JACKSON
This was one of your Mum and my favorites —
JESI
I know Dad.
JACKSON
You’ve heard it a few times, eh?
JESI
Would you believe a few hundred?
JACKSON
Can’t help it. Sinatra is how we met.
(gets serious)
I know she was far from perfect.
JESI
Very far. I know you love that story Dad. So do I – but not tonight.
JACKSON
Are you okay?
JESI
Sure. How was your day? Did you work on Harold’s building? I’ll get you a beer,
Daddy.She leaves, returns with a beer, wine for herself.
JACKSON
Did that manager give you a lead today?
JESI
Nah, but it’s only day seven.
JACKSON
I thought he said leads were a given.
JESI
He lied. His leads get fast tracked to top producers only.
Sinatra sings, “Come Fly with Me.”
Jesi sips wine, dances.JACKSON
You know, this song is why I left Ohio. Why your Mom left Virginia. Only for us to
meet in London.JESI
I know Dad. It’s a lovely story. Wish Mom and I had been that close.
JACKSON
She loved you, just couldn’t show it.
JESI
(dancing)
Dad, how many apartment buildings do you service? Is there a list?
JACKSON
Hell, I dunno. Twenty some. There’s a roster somewhere but they’re mostly in
my head.JESI
Can you get me those names and numbers?
JACKSON
What the hell for?
JESI
They’re about to be my new client base.
JACKSON
Sweetie, those dudes have all got built agents who always get those listings.
JESI
Not always. It’s worth a try.
JACKSON
Okay baby, I’ll work on it tomorrow. See if I can’t find you a sucker or two.
(gets thoughtful)
Sweetheart, once this cast comes off you need a life of your own. It’s time you
bought a house, had your own space. Time you met a good man, had babies.JESI
No Dad, no babies. Mom’s absentee mothering cured me of that.
JACKSON
Baby, she had no control over it.
FLASHBACK:
JOHNSON HOME/ CHILD’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
AMY JOHNSON (30), sits on the front steps drinking Vodka from a bottle,
oblivious to her child’s screams.END FLASHBACK:
BACK ON JACKSON AND JESI:
JACKSON
It’s five years since she passed. I’ve kept you here long enough.
JESI
Dad, you are so worth it. I’ve loved every minute. I’m even liking Frank Sinatra.
(flops onto the floor)
The truth is I ‘m petrified of all those high-powered salesmen. Afraid I don’t have
what it takes.JACKSON
Fake it ‘till you make it girl. Hell, you’re my daughter.
JESI
It’s my problem we’re joined at the hip, Dad, not yours. I’m nothing without you.
-
Answer the question “What I learned doing this assignment is. You have to earn the dialogue. That means meaningful action. (Note: I’ve boldened and italicized the characters’ names to make it a bit easier to read.
Subject line: Dan Hart Meaningful Action
DANCING WITH DEFEAT
LOG LINE: America’s beloved quarterback, CHARLES I. “CHUCK IT” FARR, harboring a repressed ballerina complex, blows the Super Bowl, then seeks redemption by dancing against the world’s most eccentric soccer star
================
FADE IN:
EXT. SUPER BOWL FOOTBALL FIELD – DAY
A referee’s uniform patch reads: “SUPER BOWL LV, LAS VEGAS, NEVADA.”
The referee blasts his whistle, sprinting towards a dog pile of Dallas Cowboy and Pittsburgh Steeler players.
One footballer’s legs protrude vertically from the pile. They wave in the air with a ballerina’s grace.
BOTTOM OF DOG PILE
Dallas Cowboys QB, CHARLES I. “CHUCK-IT” FARR, number twelve, is the upside-down vertical player.
Steeler hands grope for the ball.
FARTING STEELER has his butt in Chuck-It’s face.
FARTING STEELER
Incoming!
BRAH. A gigantic fart. Other players contribute a cacophony of lesser farts.
CHUCK-IT
Show some respect! You don’t fart in a man’s helmet!
FARTING STEELER
Oh my, did I just expel intestinal gas into the helmet of America’s favorite quarterback, Charles I. “Chuck-It” Farr?…Incoming!
BRAH. Another gigantic fart.
FOOTBALL FIELD
As the players disengage, Chuck-It maintains his verticality until he drops his feet to the ground.
Chuck-It swings his helmet to air it out. Despite perpetual worry, Chuck-It has a natural lightness to his step.
FARTING STEELER
Nice dancin’, Chuck.
CHUCK-IT
I can’t dance.
The score board reads: “Dallas Cowboys-24 Pittsburgh Steelers-24.” Fourth quarter. Six seconds left. Third down.
The Cowboys offense stands at the Steelers forty-yard line.
Chuck-It Farr pulls a plastic good luck charm from his uniform and rubs it. Center MAXIMILLIANO FERNANDEZ, aka, MAX BLOCK watches.
ON THE SIDELINES
Dallas’ kicker EMORY WASHBURN takes his last practice kick.
CHUCK-IT
I like Emory…
(gestures to side line)
…but, really, a soccer player shouldn’t be winning a damned football game.
MAX BLOCK
Boss, better to kick, win and drink beer. That’s my plan.
ON THE FIELD
Chuck-It looks up at the mammoth video scoreboard. He’s still rubbing that good luck charm.
MAX BLOCK
The charm’s out. You worried?
Chuck-It stuffs the plastic-encased memento into his pants.
CHUCK-IT
I’m worried that a worldwide television audience can see things about me I can’t. Can they?
MAX BLOCK
Sorry, Boss. I got these fellas shortening my neck all day. I can’t see a damn thing.
IN THE STANDS
The four most important people in Chuck-It Farr’s life, all wear number twelve Dallas Cowboy jerseys.
CHUCK-IT (O.C.)
You know who can tell what’s going on? My wife.
CHERYL FARR, 30’s, gnaws on her fingernail. The name plate on her Cowboy jersey reads: “CHERYL FARR.” Forever cheerleader, Cheryl does an unconscious cheer routine in her seat.
CHUCK-IT (O.C.)
My mother-in-law is probably betting right now.
JOAN COOPER taps on her phone covertly away from her daughter Cheryl. “MOTHER-IN-LAW” is on her name plate.
CHERYL
Mom, Charlie’s out there playing his heart out. You promised you wouldn’t do this anymore…
JOAN COOPER
Honey, I’m hedging. For you.
CHERYL
Oh, Mom. Money is one thing we don’t worry about.
ON THE FIELD
Chuck-It holds up his good luck charm to the stands.
IN THE STANDS
Chuck-It’s MELODY FARR, 50’s, holds up an identical charm in response to Chuck-It. Her name plate reads, “MOM.”
CHUCK-IT (O.S.)
…my old man’s gonna’ send me to my room if I don’t win this thing.
CLIFF FARR mumbles to himself as if still coaching his son. On his jersey name plate is “QB MAKER.”
CLIFF FARR
(shouts loud)
Keep your head in the game, boy!
STEELER FAN (O.S.)
Hey Chuck-It, pull some dancin’ out your ass!
CLIFF FARR
(yells back)
He can’t dance! He’s a quarterback.
MELODY
C’mon honey. Don’t get pulled into that again. Please. Be mindful.
CLIFF FARR
Melody. I never said he “can’t” dance. I said he “can’t” dance…
(meaning he won’t let him)
…people don’t know the difference.
MELODY
You ever tell Charlie that?
INT. SUMPTUOUS HOLLYWOOD OFFICE – DAY
Out a window, through cigarette smoke, the Hollywood sign is visible. The smoke comes from SIR SANDOR HOOD, British TV impresario. He stands, surrounded by tailors, who appear to be tailoring a T-shirt.
A motto on the desk: “Reality doesn’t count unless it’s HD.”
Posters of Sir Sandor Hood’s reality shows: “Survival of the Fittest,” “America’s Super Singer” and “Dance Your Ass Off.”
MALCOLM, Hood’s assistant, is poised like a Wimbledon ball boy. With amazing quickness, Malcolm lights a cigarette, takes a drag, then replaces his boss’ finished cigarette. Like a cigarette pit-stop
ON THE TELEVISION
The Super Bowl is on.
SIR SANDOR HOOD
America’s quarterback. Bloody loser, he is. Does this bloke ever dance?
MALCOLM
Wall flower.
Malcolm presses buttons on the TV remote.
SERIES OF SHOTS – CHUCK-IT’S REPRESSED DANCING PHOTOS
A) Chuck-It and Cheryl Farr’s wedding party. Half-kidding, Cheryl takes a football snap from Chuck-It. The wedding party does likewise.
B) The wedding cake topper is Chuck-It handing off to Cheryl.
MALCOLM
While there’s zero dancing in his private life, our research shows repressed dance in his play.
C) In NFL play, Chuck-It Farr does a “grand jete”, a leap with a full split. Simultaneously, he fumbles the ball.
SIR SANDOR HOOD
An amusing grand jete.
D) More NFL play. Chuck-It does a “saut de chat.” His feet drawn to his chest. The ball flies out of his hands as if weightless.
SIR SANDOR HOOD
A brilliant saut de chat! At his moment of peak stress his football and dance minds are battling. And he’s unaware?
MALCOLM
Unaware…actually, extremely combative to the notion.
SIR SANDOR HOOD
(points at TV)
Anything today?
MALCOLM
Nothing, but the game isn’t over.
EXT. SUPER BOWL FOOTBALL FIELD – DAY
Still in timeout, Chuck-It’s interest is in the stands.
CHUCK-IT
Max? Is everything good, where the families are?
MAX BLOCK
Looks OK. You know Boss, your family could be sitting in the team’s box.
CHUCK-IT
My daddy must be within shouting distance of any and all games I’ve ever played.
ACROSS THE LINE
Farting Steeler leans over the line of scrimmage with his hand cupped to his helmet’s ear hole – eavesdropping on the Cowboys.
FARTING STEELER
(yells to mates)
Max Block got to remind mister-happy-feet-quarterback…there’s a game going on.
Max Block fakes like he’s going to go after Farting Steeler.
MAX BLOCK
I got happy feet ‘cause I been happy kicking your ass all day.
CHUCK-IT
If I could dance, don’t you think I’d know it?
FARTING STEELER
If you thought you were anything more than a mediocre quarterback with a hot wife, would you know it?
Chuck-It runs and grabs Farting Steeler by his face mask. Whistles SHRILL. Penalty flags.
REFEREE
Personal foul! Number twelve.
The ref marches the ball backwards – out of field goal range.
IN THE STANDS
Cliff slams his program down.
CLIFF FARR
What’s he doin’ out there?
MELODY
Honey, it’s better now. It’s too far to kick. Charlie’ll win it!
Always consoling, Melody rubs her daughter-in-law Cheryl’s shoulders. Cheryl responds with a wishful look.
CHERYL
He’ll do it this time. Won’t he?
All the fans get to their feet.
Seemingly from out of nowhere, a toddler takes baby steps down the row, passing Joan and then Cheryl.
Cheryl’s the only one to sense his presence. She looks on with concern.
FROM THE AISLE
A DRUNK COUPLE motions the toddler to stop.
CHERYL
What a beautiful baby.
(to all)
Whose baby is this?
DRUNK HUSBAND
He’s ours…
Drunk Fan gets an ugly stare from his equally drunk wife.
DRUNK WIFE
…we’re babysitting him for my sister.
DRUNK HUSBAND
Missus Farr, my wife and I sympathize with your impregnation problem. We thought, maybe if you borrowed this baby for this one play–
CHERYL
Borrow a baby? What?
DRUNK FAN’S WIFE watches this all critically.
DRUNK WIFE
My husband means you should hold this boy during this historic moment.
DRUNK HUSBAND
(sotto to wife)
And your sister wants him back?
DRUNK WIFE
What? You’re an idiot! She’s on a cruise. Not dead. You’re drunk.
DRUNK FAN
You’re drunk.
CHERYL
You’re both drunk! This is no place for a baby.
(pulls out cell phone)
I’m texting security.
DRUNK FAN takes the baby back.
ON THE FIELD
Still in time out, Chuck-It jogs towards the sidelines. He scans the stands, making an interlocking “hook ‘em horns” University of Texas hand signal.
IN THE STANDS
Despite the baby drama, Cheryl returns the hand signal. It is so automatic.
ON THE FIELD
COACH WILSON watches, his mouth wide open in disbelief.
COACH WILSON
Tell me, Farr. Are you winning a Super Bowl or having a nervous breakdown?
CHUCK-IT
It’s not a this-or-that thing, is it, Coach? With these long ads, I just get to thinkin’–
COACH WILSON
Oh, no…
Chuck-It looks at to the electronic signage which dominates the stadium.
INSERT – SUPER BOWL TV AD
Coincidentally, Chuck-It and Cheryl walk hand-in-hand down a beautiful beach. Their Rolex tandem watches glisten against the setting sun. The Kayron reads ,” __________________”
CHUCK-IT
Not a good time for that–
COACH WILSON
What are you thinkin’ ‘bout Farr? Get it out.
CHUCK-IT
My daddy has always preached that “football is numero uno.”
COACH WILSON
He’s right. So, go play like you’re in that famous backyard he made.
CHUCK-IT
I don’t ever go in the backyard, Coach. Not even in my head.
COACH WILSON
Quit thinkin’, Farr. Damnit! Just play!
(scans his play card)
Run “Two Jet All Go.”
CHUCK-IT
Ok, Coach. I’m pure play. No thinkin’.
Chuck-It furrows his brow. Inner conflict.
He trots back unto the field.
ON THE FIELD – MOMENTS LATER
Chuck-It stands behind center, calling signals. He takes the snap, then fades back to pass.
Receiver COREY JOHNSON sprints downfield.
Chuck-It’s encircled by Steelers. He spins away. From nowhere, Farting Steeler looms above him, blocking the view.
Chuck-It elevates on his toes like a ballerina. He can see downfield. He heaves the ball.
BLAM. He’s knocked face first into the grass. He’s out.
BACK OF THE END ZONE
Corey Johnson leaps. The ball is in his hands. A sure TD…
…except a defender snatches the ball away. The crowd roars.
BACK UP THE FIELD
Chuck-It wakes and rolls over. Goofy, he gets to his feet, looking towards the stands…
…while the interceptor runs free.
Chuck-It’s in a position to tackle him, but instead he’s celebrating with a sky-point. He thinks he’s won!
He’s smashed again by a blocker.
The interceptor runs by, heading for the winning touchdown.
Chuck-It’s back on his feet. He’s still celebrating.
IN THE STANDS
Shocked by the calamity, Drunk Fan drops the baby. Yikes!
SLOW MOTION
The baby falls through space.
Cheryl’s eyes open wide with terror. She dives, making a shoestring baby catch. The baby giggles – enjoying it all.(NOTE: No babies were hurt in the writing of this screenplay.)
CHERYL
You can’t be trusted with this baby! I’ll find security.
Protecting the baby, Cheryl descends the stairs.
ON THE FIELD
Chuck-It sprints towards the stands as Cheryl descends.
Cheryl bends over a wall to hand the baby to Chuck-It. Crowd noise blocks out her shouts.
Chuck-It takes the baby. In the mayhem, he’s pushed away.
CHUCK-IT
Cheryl? Is that our baby? For winning the Super Bowl? Is it a he or a she?
-
Johnny Cullen’s Meaningful Action.
What I learned from this exercise is that bringing the subtext to the surface can really enhance a scene.
I won post the scrip here instead I will give an overview of the changes I made throughout the film. I particularly focused on adding meaningful action where the video game “Emerald Fist” was present by using the subtext of the game to reflect what was going on in the scene.
When Diarmuid first gets told he’s not good enough we hear “Soul Destroying” shout from the game in the background.
When Maeve gets her first-period mid-fight. The caption “First Blood” illuminates the screen.
When Diarmuid and Maeve lose the first fight – the caption comes on screen like a winner quotes – YOu can lose something you have but not something you are.
And finally in the last scene when Diarmuid admits to cheating to save Maeve, The caption “Full Syncronictiy” Ilumiantes the screen.
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Cool! Using the graphics and sound from the EMERALD FIST game looks like a really versatile way to express subtext & meaning without the characters saying it On The Nose.
You also may be able to use this device in the next exercise re: Scene Transitions.
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Assignment Day 10 Adding Truly Meaningful Action
Subject line: Joan Edwards’ Meaningful Action
What I learned doing this assignment is changing your location might add action to help show meaning.
I would appreciate your ideas about my revision. I will in turn give you feedback for yours.
Thank you.
SCENE BEFORE:
This scene’s purpose is to show that Alicia cares more about Fred than she wants others to know.
INT. CBS NEWS STUDIO – NIGHT
SUPERIMPOSE: Tuesday, February 19, 2008
LESLIE STARBOROUGH, newsman short, medium build, dressed in ordinary town wardrobe to be like the people he serves, stands in front of the cameras with Alicia beside him. Alicia looks stiff and angry. Leslie holds the microphone in front of him and faces Alicia.
LESLIE
Why did you phone me today, Alicia?
Leslie holds the microphone in front of Alicia.
ALICIA
Injustice.
Leslie swiftly moves the mike in front of him.
LESLIE
An injustice to your estranged husband, Fred Silverman?
Leslie moves the mike in front of Alicia.
ALICIA
Yes. Burt and Penelope Stonewall say Fred sold them a home filled with termites. I know for a fact that is not true.
Leslie moves the mike in front of him.
LESLIE
That’s a strong statement to make, Alicia. You brought pictures for us. Please show our viewers your photos.
Leslie moves the mike in front of Alicia.
ALICIA
On the left is the house Fred actually sold the Stonewalls. On the right is the house with the termites that the Stonewalls said he sold them.
Leslie shakes his head. Hold the mike in front of him.
LESLIE
These are two completely different style homes.
Leslie moves the mike in front of Alicia.
ALICIA
The house Fred sold them has a warranty from the California Termite Company that guarantees under a bond that it was termite free and had a chemical treatment that was good for seven years. If that house has termites, California Termite Company would pay for all damages and removal.
Leslie scratches his head. Moves the mike in front of him.
LESLIE
Why are you standing up for your estranged husband when he jilted you on national television on Valentine’s Day?
Leslie moves the mike in front of Alicia.
ALICIA
A good name takes years to build and deadly termite rumors can destroy a person’s good name in a matter of minutes. Good night, Leslie. Thank you for listening to me.
Alicia walks away.
Leslie holds mike close.
LESLIE
We’ll keep you updated on this and other news affecting Los Angeles at 11:00 tonight. Stay safe.
***
SCENE AFTER – Rewritten in Alicia’s Salon rather than on the street.
This scene shows that Alicia cares more about Fred than she wants others to know. Also to give information to prove about the claims of Stonewalls are false.
INT. ALLURE SALON – NIGHT
SUPERIMPOSE: Tuesday, February 19, 2008
LESLIE STARBOROUGH, newsman short, medium build, dressed in ordinary town wardrobe to be like the people he serves, stands in front of the cameras In front of Alicia as she cuts the hair of a client. Alicia looks stiff and angry. Leslie holds the microphone in front of him and faces Alicia.
LESLIE
Why did you phone me today, Alicia?
Leslie holds the microphone in front of Alicia. She snips big wad of hair. Client’s face is blacked out.
ALICIA
Injustice.
Leslie swiftly moves the mike in front of him.
LESLIE
An injustice to your estranged husband, Fred Silverman?
Leslie moves the mike in front of Alicia.
ALICIA
Yes. Burt and Penelope Stonewall say Fred sold them a home filled with termites. I know for a fact that is not true.
Leslie moves the mike in front of him.
LESLIE
That’s a strong statement to make, Alicia. You brought pictures for us. Please show our viewers your photos.
Leslie moves the mike in front of Alicia. Alicia holds the pictures in front of the camera.
ALICIA
On the left is the real house Fred sold the Stonewalls. On the right is the house with the termites that the Stonewalls said he sold them.
Leslie shakes his head. Hold the mike in front of him.
LESLIE
These are two completely different style homes.
Leslie moves the mike in front of Alicia.
ALICIA
The house Fred really sold them has a termite warranty. If that house has termites, California Termite Company would pay for all damages and removal.
Leslie scratches his head. Moves the mike in front of him.
LESLIE
Why are you standing up for your estranged husband when he jilted you on national television on Valentine’s Day?
Leslie moves the mike in front of Alicia.
ALICIA
A good name takes years to build and unjust rumors like termites can destroy a person’s good name in a matter of minutes.
Alicia stops cutting hair to shake Leslie’s hands. She goes back to cutting the hair of her client.
ALICIA
Good night, Leslie. Thank you for listening to me.
Leslie holds mike close.
LESLIE
We’ll keep you updated
on this and other news affecting Los Angeles at 11:00 tonight. Stay safe. -
Caroline’s Meaningful Action
What I learned: This really helped me get to the meat of the scene.
Before: Ella really wasn’t being dismissed enough by Mary.
MARY
Hi Ella. What can I do for you?
Ella tries to form words. Her mouth is open. She finds her voice.
ELLA
Who is that guy that you were just with?
MARY
Nick? He is James’s new secretary.
ELLA
No. He can’t work here. He is a pig. A sexist pig.
MARY
You know him?
ELLA
In a way, yeah. Every day I walked past the construction site where he worked and he catcalled me.
MARY
He did say he worked in construction.
ELLA
Why is he here?
MARY
He is a really good typist and you know that James can’t keep a secretary to save his life.
ELLA
He’s bad news.
MARY
I’m gonna give him a chance until he blows it. Stay away from him if you don’t like him. Besides, we have mandatory harassment training that he has to take. It will be fine.
Ella narrows her eyes, ready to fight another day as she turns and leaves.
After:
Because this is a romantic comedy, this scene needs more comedy in it. I want to highlight Ella’s frustration with Mary not listening to her.
Mary is shuffling papers on her desk when Ella appears in her doorway. A look of disdain passes over her face and then she rights herself and plasters a smile on her face.
MARY
(too brightly)Hi Ella. What can I do for you?
Ella tries to form words. Her mouth is open. She finds her voice. She points out the door.
ELLA
Who is that guy that you were just with?
Mary smiles at her.
MARY
Nick? He is James’s new secretary. He’s cute, isn’t he? You know, he’s not married.
Ella shakes her head vehemently.
ELLA
No. He can’t work here. He is a pig. A sexist pig.
Mary’s expression is curious.
MARY
You know him?
ELLA
In a way, yeah. Every day I walked past the construction site where he worked and he catcalled me.
Mary nods.
MARY
He did say he worked in construction.
ELLA
Why is he here?
MARY
He is a really good typist and you know that James can’t keep a secretary to save his life.
ELLA
He’s bad news.
MARY
Oh Ella. I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by it. He just probably liked you. You know how boys are.
Ella narrows her eyes, ready to fight another day as she turns and leaves.
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Rebecca’s meaningful action, Lesson #10
What I learned from doing this assignment is that I don’t have much in the way of talking head scenes, which seems good but concerns me. So, I have flagged the scenes between Rachel and Paul to revisit their purpose and see if I can elevate the subtext by creating more meaningful action and flesh out Paul’s character a little more.
Deeper meaning of scene –
Rachel deflects Pauls feelings for her because she feels unworthy of him and is scared of her feelings for him and the inability to be in a stable relationship which she knows he is capable of. She believes he is too good for her and tries to discourage his feelings for her by being short with him and exposing her flaws to prove that he’s barking up the wrong tree.
Actions that will either support or contrast that meaning – in bold.
103) INT. TRUCK – MOMENTS LATER
Rachel still parked, eats chips. Licks her fingers and grabs her cell.
RACHEL
Okay…
Hey Siri, call Paul O’Hagan on speaker.
SIRI
Calling Paul O’Hagan on speaker.
Phone rings. Rachel cracks open a fresh pint of JD from the bag, takes a long swig and belches.
PAUL (o.s.)
Ralph!
RACHEL
Oops. Such a lady. I know. Sorry about that.
Paul chuckles.
PAUL (o.s.)
There she is.
Rachel mouths his words, mocking him.
RACHEL
I know okay? go ahead. rip me a new one.
PAUL
Would I do that?
RACHEL
…
PAUL
Okay. Obviously you won’t make it back tonight.
RACHEL
Correct… Sorry but…
PAUL
…Are you okay, babe?
Rachel winces.
RACHEL
Yea. I’m fine… well I will be. Ugh.
(beat)
I Was on my way back, but I had… to turn around. It’s a long story.
PAUL
What’s up? Talk to me.
RACHEL
Can you guys just please rehearse without me?
INT. PAUL’S HOME – – CONTINUOUS
Paul picks up a dart from the table and whips it across the room. Bulls eye!
RACHEL (o.s.)
Hello?
Paul sits on the couch. Cradles his head in his hands. Regroups.
PAUL
Rach–
RACHEL
I’ll be ready. More than ready Okay? You know I will. // Trust me.
PAUL (o.s.)
I know you’ll kill it. You always do. You’re a pro. I’m worried about you though. You seem very, I don’t know. Talk to me. Come on.
RACHEL
Paul–
PAUL
Okay. Fine. I take it back. I’m here for you. I want to be there for you. I care about you.
Rachel chokes back another swig to avoid the tears.
PAUL
I understand… not today. Probably not tomorrow. Just want you to know I’m in your court. You know what I mean?
Rachel air boxes violently; a silent tantrum.
PAUL (o.s)
Hello?
RACHEL
I don’t want to keep tarnishing everything shiny in my life.
PAUL
Awwww. Rach. That’s mushy.
RACHEL
Shut up. I have to go, dudey. I’ll keep you posted.
PAUL
Check the calendar. We have gigs.
RACHEL
A week tops. Two. No. One week.
PAUL
Okay. Text me. A lot. Bye.
RACHEL
Bye.
Rachel stares ahead, tears pour from her sad eyes. Another chug of Jack. Then rolls a doob for the ride.
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