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Day 10 Assignment
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Jean’s Dialogue 7 – 8
What I learned doing this assignment is there is always room for improvement, especially when specifically looking for ways to do this. I was able to elevate several scenes this pass through which is the goal.
Here are a few examples:
SUBTEXT
In this scene, Jaden recognizes the watch. It connects him to Lazarus but we don’t know how. Sharra hasn’t met Lazarus yet. Jaden is a rogue agent. His job is to stop her from joining Vault Agency. He’s weeded his way into her life for this purpose. He’s not her friend, just pretending to keep close. The watch tells him that Lazarus is there and now is the time Jaden needs to steer her away from him. That’s what’s going on behind the scene.
In my first draft, I kept it super simple, too simple. The subtext is missed.
In the next pass, I’ve added deception and lies, setup. Sharra realizes Jaden lied when she learns in the first scene with Lazarus when she sees his expensive antique weapon collection. The watch belongs to him. There is a story behind the watch.
OLD:
She notices Jaden staring oddly at the watch.
SHARRA (CONT’D): Hey, what’s wrong?
Jaden quickly recovers.
JADEN: I’m fine.
(sets the watch down)
If you’re serious about leaving, let me make some calls for you. I know some people.
SHARRA: Who?
JADEN: Just hold off on doing anything rash.
Jaden leaves.
NEW:
She notices Jaden staring oddly at the watch.
SHARRA (CONT’D): Hey, do you know who it belongs to?
Jaden quickly recovers.
JADEN: This? Probably some kid. Seen these in all the tourist shops when I went to England last year. It’s a very good imitation. Fooled me, too. I wouldn’t worry about finding its owner.
(sets the watch down)
If you’re serious about leaving…
SHARRA: I am.
JADEN: I’ve got connections. Let me make some calls. Just hold off on doing anything rash.
SHARRA: Okay.
He leaves. Sharra picks up the watch, opens it. Sees the woman. Then, flips the watch over. The inscription reads: Forever and Always, E.M. She notices Jaden staring oddly at the watch.
This next scene plays out in several parts. On my first pass, Sharra finds the folder but it doesn’t go anywhere. I needed subtext. The second pass, I added that she discovers that Lazarus has a file on her parents and ‘The Accident.’ It’s odd and she knows it but doesn’t have time to investigate. We already know there’s a story behind her family. This is the first time we learn about the accident and that somehow it’s related to Vault Agency.
OLD:
Her eye lands on something in the drawer. She pulls it out. It’s her folder. She looks back at the door, then starts flipping through it…
JADEN: — You need to get to a hospital. Where are you? I’ll come get you
SHARRA: I’m okay. I don’t know how, but…I’m okay.
The sound of the door opening. She quickly puts everything back in order…
SHARRA (CONT’D): Hey, I need to go. Call you tomorrow.
JADEN: Sharra!
His line goes dead.
Sharra slips the folder back inside the desk and hurries to the couch just as Lazarus comes over with a blanket.
LAZARUS: This is all I could find.
He gives her the blanket.
SHARRA: Thank you.
Her eyes drift to the desk. Re: the file.
NEW:
Her eye lands on something in the drawer. She pulls it out. It’s her folder. She looks back at the door, then starts flipping through it…
JADEN: — You need to get to a hospital. Where are you? I’ll come get you.
SHARRA: I’m okay. I don’t know how, but…I’m okay.
…and finds a file inside labeled: Lily and James Lane: The Accident. That’s got her attention.
SHARRA (CONT’D): Hey, I need to go. Call you tomorrow.
JADEN: Sharra!
His line goes dead.
Sharra opens the file. The sound of the door opening. She quickly puts everything back in order, slips the folder back inside the desk, and hurries to the couch just as Lazarus comes over with a blanket. Sees her wide eyes.
LAZARUS: Everything alright?
He gives her the blanket.
SHARRA: I’m okay.
Her eyes drift to the desk. Re: the file. She’s not okay.
The first draft of this next scene is mostly set up for later and some reveal. The name ‘Wolf’ is significant. It’s Faolan’s code name. That the villain uses it is setting Faolan up as the scapegoat. But none of this is obvious and there’s no subtext for the audience to pick up on.
In the second pass, I changed a few lines to create the subtext and also tie in another clue to a future episode, something Faolan has already lived through but not Sharra.
OLD:
Faolan smiles. He opens an email. It reads 7:55 pm. City Center Building. She’s never late. You’ll get the rest of the money after the job is done.
FAOLAN: Wolfe. Real name or code?
AILBE: Code, if he is smart.
FAOLAN: Unless he didn’t think he’d get caught.
Headlights FLASH through the front blinds. Faolan’s head jerks up. Oh-oh.
NEW:
Faolan snorts. She’s funny. He notices a name on several subject lines and grows serious.
FAOLAN: He’s using Wolf as his name.
AILBE: Isn’t that your code name?
FAOLAN: Yes, it is. London, now this. Something’s off about this whole thing.
Headlights FLASH through the front blinds. Faolan’s head jerks up. Oh-oh.
DIALOGUE IN ACTION
I picked this scene because I thought it was an ideal place to add action dialogue. There is the line about the contract, but it didn’t feel like enough, so I changed it. I like the second version better. Lazarus makes a statement and expects them to agree. He waits until he gets their affirmation. Tension is added, and relationship reveals.
OLD:
LAZARUS: Ms. Lane’s timeline is still in motion. I dare not disturb it just yet. We need that contract back.
TANNER: I know. I know. It’s important. I’ll go and do it. Shouldn’t be too hard.
NEW:
LAZARUS: Ms. Lane’s timeline is still in flux. I dare not disturb it just yet. This incident stays between the three of us. Agreed?
CAM: Yes, sir.
LAZARUS: Tanner?
Tanner sighs. He’s not happy but…
TANNER: Who am I gonna tell? My mother?
LAZARUS: We need that contract back.
TANNER: I’ll go do it.
Again, this scene was a perfect place to add action dialogue. The dialogue just ends as you can see in the first version. The second version ends with action. The preceding dialogue reveals why.
OLD:
Tanner comes in. Lazarus tucks the letter inside his suit.
LAZARUS (CONT’D): Where are we with the contract?
TANNER: Ah…about that.
LAZARUS: You don’t have it.
TANNER: The tracking was simple. The fetch…not so much.
LAZARUS: Are you saying the contract is still out there?
TANNER
Out there. Yes. (lowers his voice) Here? In this timeline? No.
LAZARUS: Explain.
TANNER: The mugger had a Pen mark on his neck.
LAZARUS: Are you sure?
TANNER: I’ve had enough needles to know one when I see one. If it’s one of us…
That’s an alarming thought.
TANNER (CONT’D): It doesn’t make any sense. She’s a nobody.
NEW:
Tanner comes in. Lazarus tucks the letter inside his suit.
LAZARUS (CONT’D): Well?
TANNER: Dead end.
LAZARUS: It’ll turn up.
TANNER: And the accountant?
Lazarus nods to his Com. Sharra types on her laptop.
LAZARUS: Trying to figure us out.
TANNER: I don’t see why you don’t just tell them the truth.
LAZARUS: And what truth would that be? Where would you like me to start? Or better yet, you do it and see if your way is better.
TANNER: Come on, Laz, you know that’s not what I mean. You can pick anyone you want from the millions, no billions, who ever lived. Forget about her.
LAZARUS: I can’t! Tanner. I can’t!
Tanner’s eyebrows go up. Lazarus reigns his temper in.
LAZARUS (CONT’D): Trust me on this, Tanner. You might find that you actually like her.
TANNER: I doubt it. (then) There’s something odd you need to know. Not about Sharra. The mugger – he was dosed with a Pen.
That gets Lazarus’ attention.
LAZARUS: Are you sure?
TANNER: Yeah. I’ve had enough jabs to know one when I see one. Whoever did it, took the contract. None of this makes sense.
LAZARUS” We need to bring her in. Now.
Tanner nods once, resolute, both finally in agreement.
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Janeen’s Dialogue 7 – 8
What I learned doing this assignment is that I used these techniques a lot already and couldn’t find that many places to add them beyond what I listed below. I know I still need to ensure that every line of dialogue shows character all the way through. That’s for another pass, however.
Dialogue as Action —
BEFORE: Mindy is trying to get Cara to sign that she will be the executor of Mike and Mindy’s estate if they die before the kids are of age.
MINDY – Just sign it. Mike and I will be eternally grateful.
CARA — You’ll be eternally dead.
AFTER
MINDY – Just sign it. Mike and I will be eternally grateful.
CARA — If I’m acting as your executor, you’re eternally dead.
Subtext —
Cara has just found out Mike and Mindy are dead and Jared is there to pick her up for a New Year’s Eve party and she has refused to go. He had planned (and she was pretty sure he planned) to ask her to marry him at the party. The subtext is that she is rejecting his proposal — or he thinks she is. She has also bailed on him many times to attend to a client at work so he has moved heaven and earth to get her to clear her calendar for this party and she has sworn she will — and she did. But then got the phone call her friends died in a car accident.
BEFORE
JARED — So after we’ve been planning to go to they party for a month, now you’re backing out?
AFTER:
JARED — So after we’ve been planning for tonight for a month, you’re backing out?
Subtext —
Cara wants to return to her practice in LA rather than stay on the farm. Randi is implying that the farm is much more important than her practice — letting her know in a variety of ways.
BEFORE:
RANDI
Good farmers take care of the land, plant responsibly, use fertilizers and chemicals responsibly and do their best to maximize the return for the owner.
Cara listens, but still says nothing as Randi pauses for another sip of coffee.
RANDI
The farm is worth sixty million dollars, between the crop land, the dairy and the hog operation. That’s a lot of land, a lot of animals and a lot to manage. You can’t do that from LA if you don’t know anything about farming. You need to learn about it here.
AFTER:
RANDI
Good farmers take care of the land, plant responsibly, use fertilizers and chemicals responsibly and do their best to maximize the return for the owner. We’ve always done that.
Cara listens, but still says nothing as Randi pauses for another sip of coffee.
RANDI
Like the lawyer said, the farm is worth sixty million dollars, between the crop land, the dairy and the hog operation. That’s a lot of land, a lot of animals and a lot to manage. You can’t do that from LA if you don’t know anything about farming. You ned to learn about it here.
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Rob’s Dialogue 7 – 8
Reworked a scene between Madeleine and David which reveals more of their history together and the tension between them over the years.
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