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Day 10 Assignment
Reply to post your assignment.
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48 Replies
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Armand Page Turner!
What I learned…
This was a valuable module for me as descriptions tend to be my weak spot. The tools we were taught for dialogue and visuals were helpful and I plan on keep on using them going forward.
ASSIGNMENT
For my scene:
Name: TYLER, THE GHOST
Traits: Arrogant, Sarcastic, Immature, Romantic
Subtext: Scared, in Denial
Character Logline: Tyler is the ghost of an entitled college jerk who was murdered 20 years ago by a masked serial killer, and now has to overcome his hidden guilt and fears to save a new group of college kids from suffering the same grisly faith as him.
LEX, THE GOTH HIGH SCHOOL GIRL
Traits: Prickly, Sarcastic, Intelligent, Resourceful
Subtext: Insecure, Lonely
Character Logline: Lex is a brilliant high-school goth obsessed with true crime and grisly murder mysteries who (secretly) came to the manor with her college-aged sister (and her party friends) to attempt communicating with Tyler’s ghost.
Not in the scene:
Name: MADDIE, THE FINAL GIRL 20 YEARS LATER
Traits: Brave, Tough, Stubborn
Subtext: Paranoid
Character Logline: Maddie is the sole survivor of the original massacre who is obsessed with the return of the masked killer who was never caught and sets out to stop the killer at any cost now that the killer’s back.
Name: CHARLES, THE MASKED KILLER WHO WAS NEVER CAUGHT
Traits: Nerdy, Rational, Sadistic
Subtext: Concealing, Nice Exterior
Character Logline: Charles is Tyler’s nice and nerdy half-brother (only seen briefly in the opening scene) who wants to fulfill his secret urge to murder people and getting away with it, but now has to face off with the ghost of his brother and the final girl (Tyler’s girlfriend) he’s always loved.
SCENE:
INT. LEX’S BEDROOM – MANOR – NIGHT
Lex sits at the edge of her bed, in awe at her own success. Her EVP phone app translates Tyler’s ghostly moans, but she can’t perceive him as he vents into the phone.
His voice breaks.
TYLER
You and your friends— You need to leave right now.
LEX
They’re not my friends. And they’ve been partying for hours. Good luck getting them off the couch.
Tyler courages up.
TYLER
All I need is five minutes inside you.
Lex scowls— what a creep.
LEX
I would slap you… if I could.
Tyler groans. He throws his hands up in the air. It’s pointless.
TYLER
You know what, whatever. Everyone is already dead… Just like the last time.
He plops right next to Lex— defeated. Lex’s unaware of his proximity as they go mute for an uncomfortable beat.
LEX
If we lure them outside, we could get them in the car.
Tyler arises elegantly, like from a crypt in an old B-movie. He’s hopeful.
TYLER
We need to do it fast. The killer could strike any second.
Lex jumps back on her feet.
LEX
If he shows up, I’ll kill him.
TYLER
“If he shows up, I’ll kill him.”
Tyler barks at the childish notion.
TYLER
Are you stupid? The killer will not stop until you, your sister and everyone else in this house are all mutilated, decapitated, chopped to tiny pieces, grounded like beef…
Lex sighs as Tyler steamrolls over her.
TYLER
… Stabbed, Impaled in increasingly clever and gruesome ways, chopped into tiny pieces—
Lex snaps.
LEX
Alright, shut up! I get.
Off Tyler’s approving nod.
LEX
Running away it is.
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Up for an exchange?
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Yes! Please reply with any feedback here. I’ll read your homework tomorrow 12/10 AM. Thank you!
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Hey sorry, had a kid come home from college. Is tomorrow to late for you?
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That’s fine. I’ll read your feeeback on Monday or Tue. Thank you.
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I just love your logline-story premise. So good – guilt and fears, great character arc, imho. Love how this is developing, the half-brother villain and his yearning for Tyler’s girlfriend. How fabulous! This EVP phone app! The subtext and subtle humor, sensuality, lyrical writing. If you’re ever interested I’d love to read the whole SP. I’m curious about so many things. Wondering now, for ex., if you have a pretty strong character arc for Lex going, too—paralleling Tyler’s (sorry, the shrink in me). But the insecurity beneath Tyler’s arrogance (as behind Lex’s prickly sarcasm), perhaps? OHHH and maybe even Maddie (paranoia as a defense). Anyway, I can tell I am in great story-building hands when I read this scene and the bit of background. As for Hal’s assignment: I see the warning, implying consequences, direct prediction (very clear), hopelessness, villain reputation. I’m feeling the hope/fear of what I suspect may be some impulsivity in Lex, which could worry us a lot! I really like the visual of seeing Tyler when Lex does not. I’m picking up the possibility of romantic connection between these two, if that’s what you want? Really fun to see this coming along so well and quickly…
Enjoy our next segment!
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Thank you for your feedback. Re: Tyler/Lex. I’m going for a sibling relationship. Older brother/younger sister. Perhaps that’s where you pick up their chemistry. It’s also important that these two characters have great scenes together because they will carry the fist act until Maddie re-appears at mid-point.
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I like that!
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Budinscak Page Turner
Day 10
What I learned doing this assignment:
o I noticed the lack of emotion or internal strife in scenes.
o Capturing emotion while conveying an essence is what great writers do.
o I believe this is one of our better modules – subtle yet impactful.
Characters:
Jack – slick/street smart, selfish, condescending, generous
Subtext – Conniving
Logline – Jack isn’t a role model, nor does he want to be, but … when presented with a captive audience – his nephews, Puck & Sal – he will present whatever version of his facts as he sees fit.
Puck – Traits: nerdy, insecure, devious and intimidated
Subtext: Devious
Character Logline: Nerdy Puck is a moral compass during the trip, constantly holding his uncle accountable while plotting to stay two steps ahead of his cousin.
Sal – Traits: manipulative, smartass, sneaky, bit of a bully
Subtext: Sneaky
Character Logline: Sal is a mini-Jack, a sneaky storyteller and convincing liar – the one most apt to initiate trouble, benefit from it then abscond from blame.
Setup: the essence of this scene is revelations.
For first time readers, Jack is in his late 20s while his nephews, Puck and Sal, are preteens. We’re in Las Vegas – middle of the second part of Act II – and our gang has just gotten back to their hotel from Circus Circus. While Puck and Sal have won every game they’ve tried, Jack has lost every game he’s played. And he’s lost just about all his money. He’s not a happy guy.
INT. LAS VEGAS HOTEL – DAY
LOBBY
Jack strides through the lobby doors, two steps ahead of his nephews who scramble to keep up like two Chihuahuas nipping at their owner’s heels.
PUCK
I know things didn’t go so well, but there’s always tomorrow.
Jack ignores Puck and comes to a halt at the elevator bank.
ELEVATOR BANK
PUCK
Things didn’t go well, did they?
Jack spins around and faces Puck with a stare that could melt a glacier.
JACK
No, it sucked, okay?
SAL
Puck and I won every game we tried.
Jack turns his death-stare to Sal. The elevator doors open, Jack marches in with the boys one step behind.
INT. ELEVATOR – CONTINUOUS
Puck and Sal jump into the middle of an intense conversation over a bag Puck holds. Whispers no longer work, Sal can’t hold back any longer.
SAL
No.
PUCK
Yes.
SAL
Puuccckkkk.
Jack reaches over and stops the elevator, curiosity’s caught this cat. The elevator alarm rings.
JACK
Guys, I’m standing right here. What’s going on?
Sal gives Puck a questioning glance, Puck responds with the stink-eye. Sal nods yes, he knows Puck’s correct.
PUCK
We’d like to share our winnings with you. We won a couple of diamond rings and …
SAL
They’re for our girls, but Puck’s right. We have to pitch in when we can to help family.
JACK
Our girls? Sal, when the hell did you get a girl?
SAL
It’s Traci’s sister, Laci.
PUCK
Traci’s my girl and her twin, Laci, is Sal’s girl.
JACK
When did this happen?
PUCK
Yesterday.
Jack starts the elevator and the alarm stops, but he remains looking at the boys. He weakens slightly, he didn’t expect this.
Puck drops the bag’s contents into Jack’s hands. Three Circus Circus shot glasses, bunch of tokens and two extremely fake diamond rings.
The elevator doors open, our gang spills into the
HALLWAY
PUCK
We’re not sure how much the rings are worth, but they’re yours if you need them. To you from us.
Jack’s jaw drops farther than his shoulders sink – he’s overcome, and he won’t disappoint.
JACK
No, these are for your girls, I can’t take them. You two are gonna give them to your ladies when you return, right?
Both boys look at one another – yes, that’s the plan. They follow their uncle down the hall.
JACK
Thank you, gentlemen, that means a lot to me. But I’ve got an idea. I am sure something good is gonna happen real soon. I guarantee it.
PUCK
Thanks, Uncle Jack.
JACK
You’re welcome, Puckie. Sal?
SAL
Like Puck said.
Sal looks at his uncle, Jack sees his honesty.
JACK
You know what Chick would say if he was here?
SAL
Chick’s that huge guy at Carmine’s, right?
Jack nods – these boys are sharper than he thought.
PUCK
Why do they call him Chick?
Jack jumps into the story like he’s told it a thousand times.
JACK
Chick. He got that nickname after two guys jumped him and Chick got shot, but they didn’t hit anything. Chick beat the shit out of those two.
Jack’s in story mode, he’s not paying any attention to his audience.
JACK
See, Chick liked to wear his girlfriend’s underwear and you know (Jack motions with his hands) it holds everything up, so nothing was hanging down. We always asked, how the ff…
Jack finally looks at his audience – the wide-eyed boys are completely lost.
JACK
Anyway, see, these two guys jumped Chick and one of em pulled a gun. The first guy came over and Chick knocked him out with one punch. He grabbed the other guy and the gun went off, right in Chick’s crotch, but Chick’s equipment was held up.
PUCK
Equipment?
JACK
C’mon. I gotta give you an anatomy lesson?
Neither boy says a thing, their blushing say everything.
JACK
You know the difference between a man and a woman, right?
The boys giggle when Sal mouths tits. Jack stops outside their hotel room.
JACK
Not just that (Jack motions with his hands) down here they’re different, too.
SAL
How so?
JACK
Jesus, I gotta tell a juvie like you? You ever see a woman naked?
Sal shakes his head no, but Sal doesn’t hide his desire. Jack’s eyes twinkle – his devil appears.
JACK
Puck?
Jack never saw anyone blush that deep shade of red like Puck.
JACK
Here we go! Uncle Jack’s gonna order up a naked lady.
Jack and the boys march into their hotel room with an air of adventure.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by John Budinscak.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by John Budinscak.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by John Budinscak.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by John Budinscak.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by John Budinscak.
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Amy’s Critique of John Budinscak’s scene
Hey John,
Great scene! It seems you used pretty much every skill that we learned in this module. There was anticipatory dialogue all the way through. There was suspense with Puck and Sal discussing what was in the bag. I was also on the edge of my seat wondering how Jack was going to treat the boys considering he had just lost nearly everything and the boys won everything. It was heartwarming at the end of the scene that he took them under his wing to “educate” them. I don’t know if that was what you were going for, but that’s how it came across to me. You made great use of vivid description and emotional description. I think that came through the strongest of all the skills you used. There were hooks all throughout the scene as well. Great job!
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Thank you, Amy, I appreciate your feedback and your comments. I especially took note when you mentioned your thoughts about Jack taking his nephews under his wing and used the term heartwarming – that made me smile. That’s what I was attempting to accomplish and I’m happy it came through. Thank you!
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Hi John, Well right off the bat I loved the imagery of the chihuahuas, that was Brilliant!
Your scene had a good quick pace and a nice touch of whimsey and wonder of what was going to happen. I haven’t read your pieces prior, so I don’t have prior history with your project. I wish you continued progress and if you are so inclined my scene is posted below should you choose to read and comment.
Thank you,
Michelle
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Thank you for comments on my scene, specifically whimsy and wonder. I appreciate that.
I will definitely read your scene and provide my thoughts. I will get back to you by the end of today or very first thing Sunday AM. Thank you, Michelle!
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by
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DAY 10 BOB SMITHS PAGE-TURNER 12821
WHAT I LEARNED DOING THIS ASSIGNMENT IS…?
Keeping it a ‘page-turner’ and the usefulness of the Boldness Skill Mastery Sheet. I’ll keep it and use it.
TITLE: “Moths Around a Flame: The Making of ‘The Blue Angel.’”
CHARACTERS AND TRAITS:
EMIL JANNINGS: His traits are that he is Jealous, imperious, fearful (about his possible
loss of star-status and for his future career). Subtext: Deceitful and manipulative.
Logline: Emil Jannings is the Oscar-winning star of “The Blue Angel” but is jealous of Marlene Dietrich whom he fears will undermine his star-status.
MAJOR KENT KERSHAW Friendly, inquisitive, and professional. Subtext: He has to vet Emil Jannings as to whether or not he needs to be de-nazified.
Logline: Major Kershaw is a fan of actor Emil Jannings and realizes that if
he advises that he needs de-nazification, he would end the acting career of
his idol.
BACKSTORY: The film is a complete flashback of Jannings telling Major Kershaw what led to his deciding to do propaganda films for the Nazis. Kershaw is part of a panel that must deduce from the record and Jannings’ testimony itself whether or not Jannings needs to be de-nazified which would include keeping Jannings out of the public eye and therefor ending his acting career.
INT. US ARMY HEADQUARTERS – OFFICE OF MAJOR KERSHAW – DAY
Jannings is still seated before Kershaw at his desk, Kershaw opens a file folder that has extensive paperwork in it, about Jannings, it is, in effect, “The Jannings Dossier.”
JANNINGS
So, that is my story.
Kershaw is suspicious – Jannings is hiding something.
KERSHAW
Thank you for bringing me behind the scenes of
“The Blue Angel” I think you answered all questions
I could have asked about.
JANNINGS
You’re welcome. So may I live in the American
Sector and revive my acting career and not be
de-nazified? My acting is all that I have to live for.
KERSHAW
Well, I still have some questions, not about
“The Blue Angel,” but about you.
JANNINGS fidgets, he is unsettled by what Kershaw said.
JANNINGS
I told you everything.
KERSHAW
Which I understand as: You needed to
survive Nazi oppression because you have
a mother of Jewish origin which exposes
you to Nazi persecution. So you chose
survive by hiding in the open, doing Nazi
Propaganda films.
JANNINGS
You understand correctly. So, Major Kershaw,
if you think I should be de-nazified for
appearing in Nazi Propaganda films, remember:
Kurt Gerron made a Nazi Propaganda film for
Hitler while he was at Theriesenstadt. If he had
survived Auschwitz, would you have Kurt
Gerron, a Jew, de-nazified?
KERSHAW
But Gerron was forced to make his film under
Tthe threat of the guard towers of Theriesenstadt
concentration camp. You were under no such
threat.
JANNINGS
You are mistaken, my threat was that if I refuse to
do as the Nazis want, they could put me in a
concentration camp, I, and my family. You don’t
understand, Germany was a police state where
thousands of anti-Nazi Germans were sent to
their deaths all the time. You were not there,
you can not judge me. What would you
have done?
KERSHAW
I’ll ask the questions, Mr. Jannings.
JANNINGS
Well, it is obvious what you should do now.
Leni Rieffenstahl actually made the chief
Propaganda film for Hitler and you officials
did not subject her to de-nazification.
Kershaw churns up pages from the Jannings dossier until he finds the place he needs.
KERSHAW
But according to your record, you did something
That Leni Rieffenstahl never did.
Kershaw finds the place he was looking for.
Jannings is silenced, apprehensive.
KERSHAW (Cont’d)
You campaigned for the Nazi Party in the
Reichstag elections of 1938. The same year
As Kristallnacht.
JANNINGS
Kristallnacht was months after the election.
KERSHAW
But it was the climate that created Kristallnacht,
And the elected officials for whom you
campaigned, gave its approval for the
destruction of the Jewish community on that night.
Was your campaign for them, also, your way
of hiding in the open and assuage your fear that
you might suffer a similar fate?
JANNINGS
Yes, it was.
KERSHAW
It pains me to have to say, that in campaigning
For the Nazi’s in ’38, and then accepting your
title of “Artist of the (Nazi) State” – you will
have to be de-nazified. I am sorry. I will
always admire you as an actor and your
performance in “The Blue Angel,”
JANNINGS
So, now you end my acting career.
KERSHAW
You ended it with your choices. You could
have come to America. You know of the success
of Conrad Veidt, Peter Lorre, Hedy Lamarr,
even Marlene Dietrich. Their accent was to
prove not an obstacle but an asset.
JANNINGS
Call it overdue, but I want to go to America,
But you end my acting career.
KERSHAW
You may live in the American Sector, but you
may not appear in public.
JANNINGS
Meaning, no stage plays, no films.
Kershaw nods yes.
Jannings rises, Kershaw, rises.
Jannings embraces his Oscar, much as his character, Professor Rath embraced his classroom desk at the end of “The Blue Angel.”
Jannings crosses to exit, in the same slow and doleful way he, as Rath walked at the end of
“The Blue Angel.”
SFX: A final playback of Dietrich singing “Falling in Love Again.”
During the song, role final title cards:
THE END
Emil Jannings never acted again. He died in 1950 of liver cancer. He was given a star
on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
Marlene Dietrich and Josef von Sternberg went to Hollywood and made a number of
acclaimed motion pictures before ending their partnership in 1935. Dietrich condemned
Hitler and Nazism. She became an American Citizen and entertained the troops even as
they marched against the German Army.
Role Credits:
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Robert Smith. Reason: Adding 'The End' just to make sure it's clear
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Hi Bob,
Are you up for an exchange? If yes, my apologies on my scene’s formatting, it doesn’t seem to look correctly formatted through most of my scene here. I just copy and paste and don’t have a clue why it looks like this or how to fix it.
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Yes. May not get to it until tomorrow, but definitely, YES. Thank you.
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Great job covering most all the elements in this assignment. Your scene here is very interesting, so I can imagine how ‘page turning’ the whole story is. I’ve broken down the things I saw in each assignment.
Anticipatory dialogue
indirect prediction
imply consequences
imply hopelessness
Create reputation
hiding from future consequences
A challenge issued
Suspense
A challenge
A threat
A prediction
An impending crisis
A goal at stake
A dream they have
Something valuable at stake
Resolving a major problem
Opposition to the goal
Barriers and complications arise
Hooks
Your hooks of new information led me to a deeper understanding and was delivered in a compelling, interesting, and intriguing way
Uncertainty
The hope/fear structure played throughout your scene.
The hope and fight for staying in the US and wanting to revive his acting career was strong, and the devastation that he felt when he found out that he can stay but could not ever act again created a very strong emotion. I could visually see and feel him being devastated and without hope, knowing his career will end.
Vivid Visual Description
Your words evoked images. I read a lot of action verbs making your scene intense and exciting, Can you incorporate ‘a few more’ of the other vivid visual description elements; Concrete nouns, Metaphors, Exaggeration? I know we’re supposed to use these last two lightly.
Emotional Description
It was economical and written with essence, with a couple moments of visual then internal, which made it a smooth read.
Being Bold
I can feel Janning’s fear throughout, and the ambivalence of Kershaw to end his idol’s acting career.
Job well done!
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Hi Bob, I read your scene. My first thought was I wondered if you usually a book author. I know for myself I am always challenged with trimming down to the essential. My second draft is usually half the words as my first. You have a historical piece and lots of details so you might find it challenging. I’m an actress so I also “act out” /”say” the dialogue and see how natural it is, or if I have too much fluff…etc… The challenge is the least amount of words to get your point across thats why this section of our learning is so important. I’ve been having a blast with my new HUGE thesaurus. You come across as a very thoughtful, methodical writer with a meaningful story to tell. Working in the industry for years I’ve heard producers and such say time and time again “less is more”, this applies to an actor over-acting as much as a writer over-writing. Personally, I’m new as a writer and have my issues (my punctuation is atrocious) and I’m going to need LOTS of proofing. I hope my feedback came across with the sincerity I meant. And my scene is below if you are so inclined to read and comment.
Best,
Michelle
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Thank you so much for your valuable feedback, Michelle. I am also an actor. I really understand and deeply appreciate all your feedback. i’ll read and give feedback for your submission also. May not get to it until early this coming week.
Again, many thanks.
All the Best always,
Bob
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So fun to read more of your writing. I’m seeing this as a powerful and important work—with a strong theme of choice/free will—and justice. With a character who, in my limited reading, seems to have had significant sociopathic traits. He seems like a wonderful protagonist choice for your message, imho—and I am definitely hooked!
As for Hal’s current assignment: I’m seeing the visual-then-internal. Great threat of denazification, a goal at stake that matters and delayed delivery of the decision. Also reversal of known info with that detail about prior campaigning. In fact, that detail piece is so huge for this story, I’m wondering if there are ways to make it even more emotional? Though as I type, I’m realizing this may be way off-base b/c I haven’t read the rest of the script where, for example, if we’ve seen this guys’ temper tantrums and other antisocial behavior hurt people deeply, we’ll feel the justice here, just fine. So take that as a wondering, and for whatever it’s worth!
I see your focus on active verbs (churning up the pages) and LOVE the visual of embracing the oscar (over-valuing the material and self idolatry – the narcissism). The body stance paralleling the movie is awesome. I found myself wondering if you’ll have a German Shepard dog in here and/or if you’re going to play at all with the Oscars decision (and any shame therein)? Just curious. Or other metaphors like Rorschach…
Funny coincidence (or not) but I did a year-long humanities program back in college on this period of German history and a fair amount of time was spent on Leni’s (and other) propaganda work that ushered in our technologies’ escalating mental/emotional manipulation. So I’m just that much more interested in reading your whole SP, should you ever desire…
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As always, Elizabeth, your critique is at once supportive and good suggestions for improving my work. Coincidence: Emil Jannings was born in Rorschach Switzerland. At this point I have a major distraction from my work: The legalities and rights I must secure for this script. Yes, I believe it would be an important work, but I can’t seem to find an Entertainment Attorney to represent me. The dollar factor is another thing too. I just don’t have big bucks. If you have any counsel or thoughts on this, please send them to me, RobertRSmith4646@comcast.net. Meanwhile, thank you for your support and suggestions.
Bob
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by
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What I learned: When I just do what Hal tells me, things actually start to come together..
Ed’s Traits
• Responsible
• Avoidant-restless as a consequence (changes): Subtext: to avoid his own pain/psychological work he’s vicariously lived through others his whole life, relating to people only as “the doctor” in a formal, psychiatric frame
• Caring
• Connecting (collects/mixes diverse ideas & people—extreme trait)
Character Logline: Ed is a never-married retired psychiatrist whose desire to die—so he can continue to not face feelings he’s forever avoided—gets upended by the chaotic, needy family of his deceased junior high first-and-only love, especially when he realizes they may be his biological family, too.
Grace’s Traits
• Hard-working
• Playful/creative/musical – like ED, can put things together you’d never expect
• Enthusiastic/positive/exuberant
• SUBTEXT: Terrified that if you make something “real” it will disappear.
Character Logline: Grace is woman who (magical thinking) feels if she doesn’t formally commit she can prevent further abandonment– who must learn to look outside of herself and see the infinite opportunity to love and be loved, so she can feel safe enough to marry her children’s father—the man of her dreams
Other relevant characters:
SUSAN: Ed’s junior high love he ‘hooked’ back up with a year ago, now deceased. The son Susan gave up for adoption is MARK (who died at the 2nd TP), Grace’s completely absentee father until right before the screenplay begins.
JEWELS: Grace’s great aunt. The wedding officiant. Ed’s potential love interest
MIKE: Grace’s beloved, long-time fiancé with whom she has two children, ADAM-EVE and KRISTIAN.
Relevant background to this CRISIS-CLIMAX SCENE:
For the 3rd time, Grace is fleeing from her wedding to Mike, the father of her children.
We’ve seen Ed take strands of Mark’s hair. Previously, Ed was furious with Grace for doing the same thing with Susan’s—which DNA-proved Susan was Grace’s grandmother.
Ed subsequently had a serious conversation with Jewels (MOS). And, much earlier, a silly one with the ‘boys’ at his retirement home about what it takes to get a girl pregnant.
We know Ed and Grace need each other desperately, but are both afraid of committing. We suspect Ed can help Grace finally take the risk getting married if he, himself will dive into the many relationships that are calling to him…
Prior to this scene, our impression is that Ed is entirely disinterested in Jewels, romantically and otherwise, although there are subtle reasons to suspect this was just part of his (psychiatric) frame…
EXT. CHURCH – CONTINUOUS
ED
I think I can find her.
EXT. PARK – CONTINUOUS
The church is on a hill. A path meanders down it to this park, occupied by: SCHOOL-AGE KIDS kicking a ball and—
A WOMAN IN HIJAB, with a BABY in front-carrier. Her SONS (4 and 7), play tag around a very tall dome climber as—
Grace, in gown, sits listless on a swing. Gusts of wind mess her updo as Ed descends the trail’s final feet and
Waves to the Kids as he crosses a lawn. Before he—
Stops near—but not too near—Grace.
ED
(Confessional tone)
It took me sixty-one years to figure out I was wrong. But at least you and I are now even.
(And)
If only you don’t blow it like me.
Grace stares at the ‘8’ she traces with a satin toe—
GRACE
You sound like Aunt Jewels.
ED
I took one of your dad’s hairs.
GRACE
(Looks up)
That’s just—weird.
But—the pain on Ed’s face. Grace backpedals—
GRACE
I’m sorry. If it makes you feel more connected to my grandma…
Grace watches the Woman’s OLDER SON climb the dome as—
Ed sits on a merry-go-ground, startled by how easy it moves. Plants his feet to stop it. Before–
He lifts them, again. Allows himself a tiny spin.
ED
You know they can leave you, even if you don’t..
(Voice catches)
…get married.
Grace looks at Ed.
GRACE
I know. Mike could fall off a cliff. Get hit by a drone. Believe me, I’ve thought of it all.
(Newly curious)
You think you and my grandma would have gotten married?
ED
We had the venue.
GRACE
NO! You hooked up three times!
ED
At my age you can’t dawdle.
GRACE
(Processes this)
What was the venue?
ED
The Chimacum Ferry.
GRACE
(Not what she expected)
Oh! Wow. Puget Sound is nice.
ED
Susan wanted an aircraft carrier but they don’t let you rent those.
Grace looks at Ed—are you serious?
ED
She loved planes. But to me it was metaphoric. She wanted to go places—and she kept others afloat.
Grace gets this. But…
ED
Even as a kid. She brought snacks to the poor kids. Clothes. Once she made me help this older boy with math. Johnny. Boy, was he slow.
…Grace frowns. Sparks in her brain—
GRACE
I thought you met Susan last year?
Finally, Ed’s opening. If only he’ll jump—
ED
Found her last year. She was my best friend growing up. My lifeline when my dad died. Then she moved—we were 15. She didn’t write or call. So, like an idiot, I wallowed in how everyone abandons me. And never considered what might be going on for her.
(Clears his throat)
Which—. Uh—
But the enormity of the commitment! Ed digs his toe into the sand. Spins the merry-go-round so that now he—
Sees the SMALLER SON, trying to climb after his brother.
Ed glances back at Grace. A nod to the boy.
ED
He’s scared. Is he old enough?
But Grace’s busy with mental math—not her gift—as suddenly her own child shrieks from behind her on the hill—
ADAM-EVE
Mom!
Grace leaps up—who died? As—
Ed toes the merry-go-round to better see: Adam-Eve and Kristian bounding down the path and…
ADAM-EVE
Everyone’s waiting! Come on!
…behind the kids: Jewels. Vestments fisted at her waist to reveal really lovely calves!
Ed spins back to the woman’s sons who are now very high! Can his heart take all this excitement? As, behind him—
Grace envelopes her kids. Mascara drizzling her face as…
GRACE
You are both so gorgeous!
…The Older Son drops upside down by his knees and—
The Mother hurries to her sons. Fully expects—
OLDER SON
(To his brother)
Come on! Like this!
Ed grabs a bar—concerned. Starts to stand, as behind him—
A school-age kid races. Lunges toward the merry-go-round.
SCHOOL AGE KID
(Already pushing)
Hey mister, can we ride too?
Ed’s tossed back onto his butt. Encompassed by JOYFUL SOUNDS, as the rest of the kids catch up. Push. Jump on the accelerating merry-go-round with BELL-LIKE CLANGS, as—
The Mother pleads with her Sons in another language and—
ADAM EVE
(Hollering)
Ed! Get my mom to her wedding!
And—A SHRIEK as the younger boy topples upside down, too, hung by his knees. Except—a twist and—
Just one knee holds! The Small Son’s WAILS as—
ANOTHER SCHOOL AGE KID
(Yells at Ed)
Isn’t this fun?
And the Mother’s CRIES. Arms flailing at her son as—
Jewels rushes in. Mounts the climber in dress shoes.
JEWELS
(To the Mother)
Don’t worry! I was a gymnast.
Jewels deftly climbs. Over her shoulder to a spinning Ed—
JEWELS
We’re twenty minutes late! Did you tell her?
Ed’s dizzy. Barely able to speak as Jewels moves toward the Small Son like it’s her life’s work—
ED
No. Not—
(To the kids)
Can you please let me off?
Jewels is nearly to the woman’s Small Son. Very high—
JEWELS
Oh for God’s sake!
Shocked, the Small Son stops wailing.
JEWELS
(To the Small Son)
Not you, honey. I’m talking to that man!
(Head-gestures)
Ed, would you please stop spinning?
Reassured, the Small Son screams again as Ed rolls, helpless, onto his back. With—
Jewels at the climber’s top. Legs spread, a gust of wind—
Ed’s rotating POV: hot, red panties and fabulous legs! Alternates with: a huge wedding crowd on the hilltop as—
Jewels (zero Marilyn Monroe coy) grabs the Son’s wrists and—
Ed, a teen under the bleachers gawks as he—
Makes eye contact with Jewels—a goofy, I-Totally-Surender Smile—as Jewels pulls the Son to safety on the bars. And—
Shakes her head at Ed—been offering all along but, if you want it—
JEWELS
Tell her. Now!
Jewels helps the Son down as Ed spins, transfixed—
Invigorated. Reborn. Emphatic, like the opening scene—
ED
Stop! I need to get off!
The kids leap off. Drag the ride to stop it. Ed sits.
Stands. Wobbles to Grace, who’s a puddle of stress.
ED
I need to walk you down the aisle.
GRACE
No, Ed. I get why you don’t want—
ED
(Interrupts)
Look, I have to explain something. I know it’s unusual, without—.
Everyone in the park watches—something big here.
ED
Actual—. I mean full—
(Looks at the kids. The woman in hijab)
But, medically, it can still—
Ed fumbles in his pocket. Pulls out the genetic results
ED
Look, I’m you’re grandfather.
Grace is stunned. But also not. Rivers of mascara, now as—
GRACE
(leaps to hug Ed)
I have a grandpa! I have a grandpa!
Except—
GRACE
Only now YOU’ll die!
ED
(Smiles)
I’m absolutely sure of it.
GRACE
Then—?
Ed looks at Jewels, peacefully alive—thank you. Now up the hill to: Wade. Judy. Don. The Lindas. Pat as—
Grace, confused, follows Ed’s gaze to the hilltop where—
More people are waiting for her and Mike to get hitched than she ever could have invited! Suddenly she feels it—
GRACE
(Under her breath)
There’s always someone else waiting to be found—OhmyGod!
Grace squeezes her kids. Reaches, pulls in Ed. Jewels.
GRACE
You guys! My real live Grandpa is going to walk me down the aisle!
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Elizabeth Koenig.
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Elizabeth:
Good scene. Here’s my feedback based on the skill mastery sheet:
You have a lot of solid anticipatory dialogue, and you also have elevated your work by adding and setting up suspense in your story. I think you really scored with your vivid and emotional descriptions used here. Your visuals were bold and your voice came through wonderfully, making the scene even more interesting than your characters’ descriptions and relationship. You did a great job.
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Thanks Armand. I have LOVED watching your SP develop! More tomorrow. I read through when you first posted and was amped about the character decisions you made, but I’ll comment more specifically tomorrow~
Say, if you have interest in an on-going critique reln, lmk: elizabethkoenig18@gmail.com I’m really looking forward to exchanging entire screenplays as I’ve been doing in the novel world with novels…
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Are you up for an exchange, Elizabeth?
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Of course!
Have to admit, I already glanced through yours (loved what I saw) but then got distracted by my kid coming home from college. More tomorrow?
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Elizabeth: Love your characters and the scene as a whole, but who is Adam-Eve? According to the skill master sheet you have Anticipatory dialogue, suspense, hooks, and uncertainties. Love the exchange: “You hooked up 3times.” “At my age you don’t dawdle.” Pretty much describes Ed. Your descriptions are filled with action. It is intense. You have held me and made me see very vividly the circumstances of these characters and their own internal struggles that you have developed so effectively.
Bob
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Thanks Bob!
And sorry about that.
Adam-Eve is a character who may or may not stay. I’ve had a sense from the start that I have too many characters. A pantser for years, I’ve been hoping the scenes that pop into my head will figure this out for me. In case you are interested, she’s the 9 year-old sex-assigned male-at-birth child of Grace and Michael who finds themself more comfortable identifying in a less binary way during the script.
Looking forward to more exchanges. Have a wonderful Christmas.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by
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Amy’s Page Turner
What I learned doing this assignment is…
I printed out the skill mastery sheet and referred to it while I was writing this scene. I questioned whether this scene was even necessary, but it does play into Chlor and Andrea’s (protagonist) relationship later in the movie. I think by using the skills we learned in this module, I was able to punch up what would have been a really dull scene otherwise. For context, Chloe’s mom, Andrea, has recently come back from time travel. She was missing for a whole year.
INT. – AUDITORIUM – STAGE – DAY
Chloe stands next to DENISE, 10, who is also in the play. They excitedly look over their play scrips and chat.
Behind them, a large prop wall sways. It’s going to come down at any minute!
On the other side of the stage, the wall is noticed by Maddy, 10, the most popular girl in school who looks down her nose at everyone except her posse of other popular GIRLS.
They are surrounding her right now.
Maddy gets her friends’ attention and points to the wall. They all giggle.
Chloe and Denise see this and stare at one another, confused.
MADDY
Hey, Chloe!
Chloe and Denise cease chatting and look up from their scripts.
MADDY
Is your mom still here, or did she go Back to the Future?
The gaggle of girls standing next to Maddy all laugh.
Chloe just stands there looking wounded. Denise rolls her eyes.
DENISE
Don’t pay any attention to them. They’re jerks.
The wall sways. It’s coming down! But…
A BOY walking by catches it and puts it back upright.
Maddy and her friends giggle.
The drama teacher, MRS. ADAMS appears on stage.
MRS. ADAMS
All right. Places everyone.
The students all scurry to their places. Chloe doesn’t move because she’s already in place.
CHLOE
Mrs. Adams? I have a question.
Mrs. Adams walks over. Chloe says something to her and shakes her head in agreement.
The wall starts to sway again. Maddy watches it closely from the other side of the stage, evil on her face.
DRAMA TEACHER
Actually, Maddy, Chloe, I want you two to switch places for this scene.
MADDY
But Mrs. –
DRAMA TEACHER
No arguments, please.
Maddy stomps over. As she passes Chloe on the way, she threatens her with her eyes.
MADDY
(to Chloe)
I’ll get you for this. When you least expect it.
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Amy – would you be interested in exchanging critiques? Please let me know. Thank you.
John Budinscak
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Hello John,
That would be great. I’ll take a look at your scene.
Amy
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Thanks Amy, talk soon.
John B.
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You mentioned referring to the Skill Mastery Sheet while writing this scene and I can see it. Whether the scene will be included in your final draft is your call, but for this exercise I think you hit on just about all components of the “Writing With Boldness” module.
The Scene is short and sweet. There are easily detected anticipatory dialog examples, especially the last line from Maddy, “I’ll get you for this. When you least expect it.” For me, it was also a hook and uncertainty wrapped in that sentence, and it created the interest that I want to see how it’s resolved.
There’s suspense in the interaction between Maddy and Chloe. Without knowing what Chloe mentioned to the Mrs. Adams, it dictated Maddy’s reaction. What starts as a taunt from Maddy, ends as a threat to Chloe. I liked it.
I found examples of being bold and emotional descriptions as well. If necessary, I believe you can find where to add vivid visual description to complete every item on the checklist. I think you completed the assignment and displayed those skill sets in a economical manner and delivered the essence. Nice job, Amy!
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John,
Thank you very much! Your critique was confirming for me as I almost discarded this and wrote a different scene because I thought it was terrible, lol.
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EXT. LA ROCHE HOUSE – DAY
Joan is laid to rest in the backyard but their son Jake will not rest. His Parkinson’s is worse, and he is terrified it will progress to Lewy Body dementia. He has trouble walking around. Betty takes care of the funeral rites in her usual efficient manner. Townspeople show up like shadows on a cold winter day. No real conversation, just murmurs, and ritualistic actions.JAKE
This is not how a village doctor should be remembered. Such a contrast to Dad’s party funeral.Strange that Litonya didn’t come. Where is she?
AANADI
I want to be the village doctor like grandma Joan.EXT. PALISADES – DAY
Jake tries to master the scrambling in the Palisades. He starts strong and then keeps falling.
ANAHU
Because we aren’t related, we will get married and continue to live together forever happily ever after.AANADI
I love you, Anahu. But no rings.JAKE
I have heard that before. Have you two seen your mom anywhere?ANAHU
We would have told you immediately, dad.JAKE
I am jealous. I wish we could have gotten married. She has been gone for six months now, longer than her Sandy Storm retreat.Jake hugs them into a trio and shakes from the contact.
ANAHU
Maybe Kisele knows where she is, but he might not tell.Jake forces his PD body to scramble along on all fours, but his pace is slower than a snail’s as his kids run ahead. Frustrated, he squeezes the igneous rock.
JAKE
Fuck you, Magma Monsters. Why can’t you help us? Why can’t you strengthen me the way the Gunks did when I was a teenager? Why do you hate humans so much?He throws small pieces of rock back up the landslide causing Anahu to run down.
ANAHU
Don’t have a temper tantrum dad. We don’t have to scramble. We can walk calmly on the path.
Aanadi comes down and takes his other arm. Tears fill Jake’s eyes.
JAKE
It was never supposed to be this way. Where the hell is Litonya? I hope she is okay.INT. TUDOR TOWER
Litonya is standing naked in the solar greenhouse attached as Ibrahim admires her from the door. The greenhouse is a lush forest of tropical vegetation furnished with schist and gneiss rock providing the inspiration that Litonya needs. The sunset licks her silhouette making her glow like spectacular sculpture. Ibrahim approaches from behind, touching her beautiful bronze shoulders with a possessiveness from which she doesn’t shrink.IBRAHIM
I knew you’d like this view of the Palisades. It is yours.Litonya nods and tightens her lips. Ibrahim takes a purple suitcase out of the closet marked Bright Space Brain Buffet.
IBRAHIM
This is also yours.LITONYA
I told you that I don’t want these artificial things. My brain and body are fine for 66.IBRAHIM
Some of it is preventive. Look what it did for me at 71.Ibrahim shows off his shiny black hair and trim body.
IBRAHIM
But the best is inside.Litonya says nothing as she looks out to the igneous rocks, communing with her Higher Powers.
IBRAHIM
I can read your mind. You want to know about my Will in case Big Pharma can’t help me conquer death?Litonya looks yes into his eyes.
He presses her delicious body into his as she tries to yield.
A few minutes later they are naked on the rug. He has finished quickly, because her orgasms are not important and she knows it. Conquest is key.
LITONYA
Where is it?IBRAHIM
You have everything. You don’t need it.LITONYA
The kids need as much power as they can get in the cruel world.IBRAHIM
They already own the future.LITONYA
You promised.IBRAHIM
You’ll get it but you know what you must do. I may never die.LITONYA
I will probably die by 85 because I won’t prolong life artificially.IBRAHIM
I keep going backwards. By then I will be middle-aged.LITONYA
God bless.IBRAHIM
Remember I give Him up? Science is my god. And you believe in rocks. That is why I made this rock palace for you. Enjoy. -
PS 80 Michelle Damis Page Turner!
What I learned doing this assignment was that it is really fun to use my new Thesaurus….which just arrive and was great for creativity!
PS…Osgood is a vampire (since you can’t tell that from this one scene) and originally his name was Ted(which I’ve changed.)
INT. NIGHTCLUB BAR – CONTINUOUS
A guy at the bar sneaks something into a beautiful, oblivious woman’s drink.
Across the bar, a pair of fury-filled, green eyes belonging to NINA (23, Medusa-like curls, Athena’s beauty, and all of Pandora’s curses locked up in her attitude) observes the almost-sly attack.
Without losing visuals on her target she slams a shot of Vodka and beelines for the assailant who has no idea the wrath heading his way.
Nina darts around the bar whisks the spiked drink away from its prey and confronts the predator. Tapping him on the shoulder.
NINA
Excuse me.
He turns. Towering over her frame. She steps in closer, drink perched in her petite palm.
MR.DRINK SPIKER
Well Hello.
He oozes.
NINA
You forgot your drink at the bar, and you look REALLY thirsty.
His creeping eyes now static.
She raises the drink closer to his face.
NINA
What? It looks delicious. Come on, drink up!
His face flushing like a douchebag’s red Corvette(that probably is sitting in the parking lot).
He nervously looks around. His eyes momentarily connect with Osgood’s, who has a decent seat for the show.
He turns to leave. Nina grabs his arm. He comes out swinging, Nina ducks.
The commotion catches the bartender’s attention, he and a bouncer are on the spot in seconds. But not before Nina throws the drink in Mr. Drink Spikers face.
He angrily lunges at Nina but the bouncer is bigger, quicker, and stronger. He is in a headlock before he even knows what happened.
BARTENDER
What’s going on here?
NINA
He put something in that woman’s drink.
Motioning to the still oblivious beauty at the bar.
NINA
I thought he might like a sip.
She smirks at him.
MR.DRINK SPIKER
That’s BULLSHIT!
He screams from the headlock that just got a bit tighter.
MR.DRINK SPIKER
I don’t know what she is talking about.
He barely squeaks out. His red flush quickly turning blue.
Nina gloats.
BARTENDER
We’ll take it from here. I’ll check the footage and call the police. In the future just let us handle it, OK.
NINA
Sure.
She says unconvincingly (this was way too much fun).
BARTENDER
And hey, drinks are on the house for you tonight.
He winks.
BARTENDER
Good work.
Nina has a quiet proud moment before she sees her friends arrive.
Osgood rarely surprised by mortals watches her walk away. A waitress interrupts his focus.
WAITRESS
Can I get you a drink?
Without looking at the waitress.
OSGOOD
I’ll be having a drink later.
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Amy’s Critique of Michelle’s Scene
Hey Michelle,
Oooo! Good scene! There was suspense all the way through the scene wondering how the whole thing with Nina and the creep was going to play out. The scene also left me wondering what was going to happen next as Osgood was just a silent observer and you feel like at some point his observation of all this is going to become important. Your descriptions were great too. I could totally picture the drink spiker as a creep. I wonder if it’s possible to get Osgood a little more involved in the scene or if it’s better to leave him just as solely a silent observer. I’m not really sure, but maybe something to think about. I realize I’m contradicting myself a little bit there. Anyway, great job!
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Thanks Amy! It was a fun one. Osgood does need to be mostly out of this scene….by the time we get to this scene he has been solely speaking and the focus of 5-8 mins prior and it will go back to him as well. This is Ninas intro near the beginning.
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Let me begin by complimenting you on my favorite line – “His face flushing like a douchebag’s red Corvette”. Vivid.
You had many examples of visual descriptions – a lot of fun ones – and anticipatory dialog. You hit the suspense button in your opening sentence and had a nice payoff. Hooks and uncertainty are evident throughout and you’ve got emotion sprinkled from start to finish.
I’m glad you explained the character Osgood was a vampire. The fact he was rarely impressed with mortals created mystery and his last line, “I’ll be having a drink later” was pleasantly duplicitous. I’m sure he’s a force in other scenes. Job well done, Michelle.
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Hi, Michelle!
A good, short exciting scene. At the end Osgood echos Dracula, “I never drink wine.” (Excellent!) “douchebag’s red corvette,” Yes, also effective. From the skill mastery sheet, yes, anticipatory dialogue, Suspense, HOOKS, uncertainty – all present. Reflecting on your own suggestions to me, Yes, I see how you use minimum words to get to the poing and the action iis not only in the dialogue but your action descriptions. It is a page-turner, or in our case, a post-scroller. You nailed it!
Bob
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Jodi’s Page Turner! – Day 10
By using all of the tools and elements it makes your scene more interesting, colorful and emotional.
Pamela KARRAs; Tenacious, Compassionate, Logical, sometimes Aggressive. Subtext: Fairness for all. Pam sees the pain and suffering of people living in her state, which has grown exponentially with the SB8 law which has put more women and children into poverty and changed lives for the worse. She decides to run for the Governorship to try to reverse this law.
<div> Miss. Jones; Perfunctory, smart.
Subtext: Cynic.</div><div>
She is the Child Care Assistant at the Child
Protection Unit. She treats the orphans
with interest and some affection, but is overwhelmed and burnt out with the
burgeoning amount of babies and children that need homes.Pam has come to the children’s protective unit to
gather information on the current state of the adoption care system and the
welfare of homeless and parentless children that are housed in these state ran
facilities. She wants to see, without
staging, how these unwanted children are truly treated and cared for.EXT.
CHILDREN’S PROTECTION UNIT – DAYPam walks towards the CPU entrance, windows throughout, with beautiful plants and landscaping, it looks hopeful.
INT. CHILDREN’S PROTECTION UNIT – SAME
A wonderful sound of a waterfall fountain with tropical plants flourish in abundance filling the fountain. She approaches the
front desk.PAM: Hi, who
Manages this facility for visitations?RECEPTIONIST:
Mrs. Koven is the administrator here.PAM: Yep,
that’s who I spoke to. I’m Pam, an
interior designer and I’d like to get a look of your facility to come up with
an idea for improvements to create my bid.
Mrs. Koven said it’d be okay.RECEPTIONIST:
Huh, this is the first I’m hearing of this. She said today?PAM: Yep,
today.RECEPTIONIST:
Cuz, she’s at the regional conference today.PAM: Oh,
my. Well, okay, I did come a long way
to see her and the grounds.RECEPTIONIST:
Oh, I’m sorry.PAM: Yep,
took me two hours drive.Acting put out and waiting for a response.
RECEPTONIST:
Well, I’m so sorry but there is nothing that I can do, I don’t have the
authority to give you a pass.PAM: Does
anyone else have?RECEPTIONIST:
No, they’re at the conference as well.PAM: (big
sigh)Oh, okay, can I get her card at least to follow up
with her later?RECEPTIONIST:
Oh sure.The Receptionist hands Pam Mrs. Koven’s card.
RECEPTIONIST:
Here you go. Again, my
apologies.Pam glances at it.
PAM: You’ve
been very helpful. Thank you.Pam walks out the office disappointed that her plan
to crash the facility didn’t work, but she at least has Mrs. Koven’s card in
hand.</div>
INT. PAM’S CAR – DAY
Pam peruses the pile of papers in her hands, she glances up at one of the orphanages’ in disbelief. She is on the car’s speakerphone.PAM: This can’t be right Chloe, it looks like a ghetto, the grapes of wrath without the luxuries.
She is shocked to see row after row of shoddy, mostly windowless, gray brick buildings, like barracks. Very young children and toddlers play outside in ratty clothes, one worker for thirty children. Some older children are working, while some teens are smoking in a group. As far as the eye can see each row of barracks repeats the same picture.
CHLOE, VO: We know, it’s a horrible state of affairs, but our hands are tied, with little funds to work with.
PAM: What frightens me about the antiabortionists is how much they care about children before they’re born and don’t seem to care a wit after they’re born; unloved, unhomed, starving, neglected, abused, do they care, sympathy and prayers, right!?.”
CHLOE: I feel ya, but don’t lay that on the worker, they’re just doing their job, don’t step on the Social Worker’s toes snooping around either Pam, you can get in real trouble overstepping.
PAM: I’m a concerned citizen Chloe. This isn’t Annie. The reality looks more like Oliver Twist.
She looks at the dark gray buildings that look like a prison camp.
PAM: Real concerned.
CHLOE, VO: Just be careful, don’t jeopardize your badge.
PAM: I won’t.
EXT. PAM’S CAR – SAME
Pam exits the car. She’s taking in the decrepit view when two young children run up to her, one little boy and girl. They have cute cherub faces that look worn for their young five years and they’re wearing clothes that look too big and too worn and faded to match their young age.
GIRL: Are you someone’s Mommy?
PAM: Yes, I am, I have a girl just like you.
BOY: Does she live here?
GIRL: Is she pretty like you?
PAM: Awe, thank you Sweetie, yes, she is pretty, you’re pretty too, and she lives at home with me.
GIRL: Home? Where’s your home?
PAM: It’s a couple towns over.
BOY: You lost?
PAM: No, not lost Honey, just looking.
BOY: Do you want to meet Miss Jones?
GIRL: Cmon’, I’ll take you to her.
The little girl grabs Pam’s hand with both of her little hands. The little boy giggles taking her other hand.
PAM: I feel so special with you two helping me. Thank you very much.
They start walking to one of the bunkhouses.
GIRL: Can we meet your little girl?
BOY: Does she like to play on the swings?
PAM: She’s not so little Sweetie, and she hasn’t played on swings for a long, long time.
The little boy breaks away and runs towards a bunkhouse.
BOY: Miss. Jones, Miss. Jones, a lady is here to see you.
The little girl is still holding Pam’s hand as they approach the first bunkhouse. Pam smiles broadly at them to hide her sadness, she hugs them both.
PAM: Thank you my greeters for being such a big help to me, go have fun and play now.
The little girl and boy both smile brightly hugging her. The little boy starts to dash off while the little girl stays with Pam. Pam beams at her cherub face.
BOY: Cmon’, they’re playing hide and seek, you don’t want to be ‘it’ do ya!?
GIRL: Okay.
The little boy has grabbed her hand. She looks back at Pam. Waving goodbye, as they run toward the other children in bunkhouses across the way.
PAM: Bye Sweetie, have fun you two!
EXT. BUNKHOUSE STEPS – DAY
Pam turns and walks up the steps to the door. She knocks. She hears scurrying inside. What a commotion. People are busy doing something in there. She tries to peer in the window next to the door.
MISS JONES: Just a minute please.
PAM: Sure. Take your time.
Pam tries again to see what is going on inside again, but is challenged by the reflection of the sun on the window. She is able to see two teens cleaning feverishly as if they drank ten cups of coffee.
Miss Jones opens the door a crack looking suspicious and secretive. Pam looks past the aide curiously, seeing a kid carrying a load of clothes piled so high it covers his face and another youngster is polishing the furniture quickly.
PAM: Ha, busted.
MISS JONES: What!?
PAM: Oh, nothing, just thought of something I forgot to add to my grocery list.
Miss Jones is not amused and nods unbelievingly. She opens the door a little more. Behind her are two older children feverishly cleaning and straightening up. Miss Jones glances back and forth nervously during her exchange with Pam.
PAM: The little boy and girl said you’d be the person to speak to.
MISS JONES: Who?
PAM: The two little blonde cuties right there playing hide and seek.
Miss Jones peers out into the playing area and gives a dissatisfied squint of her eyes at the two children. Fearing what that look might mean Pam retracts.
PAM: No, don’t see them now.
Miss Jones looks back to Pam.
MISS JONES: The facility is closed to the public.
PAM: I was told I could tour the property, are you my tour guide?
Miss Jones chuckles at this sarcastically. Pam acts naive.
MISS JONES: Listen, I don’t know who you are, where’s your clearance? You need to have a pass from the front office.
PAM: I spoke to Mrs. Koven, she said it was okay and to just call her for clearance.
Pam shows the card to Miss. Jones.
<div>INSERT: CU on
card that has Mrs. Koven’s name and position with contact info on CPU card.</div><div>
As Miss Jones is perusing the card, one of the two
cleaners tugs at Miss. Jones back shirt tail as a signal that they have
finished.MISS JONES:
I’ll be right back.She closes the door on Pam’s face.
PAM: (under
breath) Rude much!?She turns around watching the children play. A minute later Miss Jones opens the door
still acting suspicious, but with her phone in hand.MISS JONES:
Hi, front desk?Pam looks a little nervous at hearing this. Defensively, she smiles.
MISS JONES: I
have a Mrs. —Miss Jones looks at Pam for her name. Thinking fast.
PAM: Carter.
MISS JONES:
Yes, Mrs. Carter here to tour the grounds, I’d like to speak to Mrs. Koven
for verification please.(beat)
Thank you.
Pam is trying to think how to get out of this if
busted.MISS JONES:
Mrs. Koven, this is Shelley.
Your visitor is here, but she has no pass. Please call me back at bunker number 22. Thank you.She ends her call with a click.
MISS JONES: I
only got her voicemail.Pam dodged that bullet, but no closer to seeing the
facilities.PAM: Would
another time work better, like in an hour?MISS JONES:
That’ll be lunchtime in the mess hall.PAM: After
lunch then?MISS JONES:
After lunch they have their class studies. You can’t come in without an appointment.PAM: But I
have an appointment.MISS JONES: A
card does not prove an appointment, and I only got her voicemail. Sorry.
It’s against policy to show without verification unless you’re a Social
Worker or an authorized person with the state department.PAM: I am a
Social Worker.Pam shows her a badge that has her friend Chloe
Carter’s name on it with an overlaid picture of Pam. Miss Jones looks at her skeptically.PAM: Look, my
Supervisor is not going to like this.
She’ll be a freight train rolling through you if she believes there’s
obstruction of my visit.Miss Jones looks surprised. She backs down but looks peeved.
INT.
BUNKHOUSE LIVING ROOM – SAMEMiss Jones opens the door and Pam is led into the now
spotless living room.MISS JONES:
Sorry, you know policy.PAM: Yes, I
do, I would be worried if you didn’t check me out.They politely chuckle.
PAM: I must
ask right off the top, when I saw these buildings(disgusted)
why dark gray, so dark and dreary? Who gave the approval for this compound?
MISS JONES: I
know it looks drab, but we try to color it up the best we can. As you know we are overwhelmed with children
who do not get placed in homes, and our budgets are lean, too lean, so this is
the most efficient color to use.PAM: So
what. What about the children? This is harmful to the children’s psyches.MISS JONES:
Yes, but it keeps the buildings cooler in the summer and heated longer
in the cold winters. Money is always
the bottom line here.Pam nods disappointedly.
PAM: Why no
windows other than along the top. It
looks like a prison, isn’t it hard enough on the kids having to be here in the
first place?MISS JONES:
Runaways.Pam looks dismayed.
PAM:
Runaways? I can understand why
they want something better, but–MISS JONES:
We are contracted to take care of them.
We get money from the state, the less kids we have the less money we
get.PAM: Big Government getting bigger. You know, If they
want to runaway, nothing’ll stop them, why make everyone else suffer this drab
existence for the rare times someone runs away? Why would they runaway, how are they treated here?MISS JONES:
Listen, we do what we can, we have an overabundance of charges, with
limited funds and help, the Heartbeat law saw to that, you know that. This is now a baby-making enterprise, and we
are the institution the state uses to take care of them all. They have to go somewhere!PAM: Sad and
true. At least when they’re eighteen
they can age out. What programs do you
have in place for when they do?MISS JONES:
Programs? What the welfare
system gives them, we can’t afford any extra.PAM: What
happens to them? What’s your program to
help them prepare for life? Finances, romance, working? With the 40 to 50% across the board becoming
homeless, incarcerated, drug or alcohol abusive, not finishing high school, or
they’re unemployed, and with a whopping 85% becoming parents repeating the
cycle, what are you doing to curtail these crisis’s in their formative years
here?MISS JONES:
We phase them out. There is some
community outreach; they have annual holiday parties, some supply graduation
gifts, home appliances, some provide employment, donated vehicles, some
low-cost housing through the state, some mentors volunteer. The psychologically damaged ones get help
until mid 20’s. We deal with the
aftermath of the outlaw of abortion.PAM: It’s
shameful how much cruelty these innocent children have to endure, simply
because some people want to have control over all women’s bodies. They are the collateral damage to be tossed
aside, (beat)So many children here are older —
MISS JONES:
Don’t even ask me why(beat)
you know why.
PAM: Sadly,
yes.MISS JONES:
Many will become part of the statistics you stated, but we do have some
success stories too, praise God.PAM: It is my
wish that God is here for the children of the world, since most people aren’t,
sympathy and prayers, sympathy and prayers.
Don’t you get tired of hearing that?MISS JONES:
Yes, it is getting sickening to hear those empty platitudes.PAM: People
should just say “have a nice day”, sympathy and prayers mean nothing more than
that from the people who utter it. It
will take an act of God to help these poor children who did nothing to deserve
the lives they were forced to be born into.
My heart goes out to them all.Miss Jones is becoming a kindred spirit of Pam, she
reaches out and squeezes her hand.MISS JONES:
You don’t talk like a Social Worker.
You should know how this works.
You talk more like a Reporter.
Are you a Reporter Mrs. Carter?Pam is speechless.
They look at each other smiling, Pam has a laugh of embarrassment, her
hand caught in the cookie jar.EXT.
BUNKHOUSE STEPS – SAMEThe two same children spot Pam coming out of the
bunkhouse and run up to her.GIRL: You
leaving now?PAM: Yes
Honey I have to go home now.GIRL: Can we
come with you?PAM: I’m
sorry Honey, but Miss Jones would miss you too much. Stay here and help her out okay?GIRL: Okay
BOY: Cmon,
it’s your turn.GIRL: Okay.
PAM: I can
use a hug though. Can I get a hug from
you two?BOY: Sure.
GIRL: Oh, a
hug.The little girl is smiling and giggling. Pam opens her arms and hugs them in close
both at the same time, smiling, laughing and in tears.INT. PAM’S
CAR – DAYPam is calling Chloe.
</div>
PAM: Definitely, Oliver Twist.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Jodi Harrison. Reason: Trying to fix the formatting
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Hi, Jody! Good scene, dialogue and characters. However, it wasn’t clear; who is Chloe? The receptionist, Miss Jones? of the speaker-phone?, i.e., like Alexa, this is Chloe. Some clarification is necessary. Your descriptions are vivid. I could see it all. You weave the social issues into the dialogue in a natural way, doesn’t seem like a public speech. Good! It reminds me of a couple of places I have visited where the same kind of gloom and regimentation exists. And the help is exhausted. I like the reference to Oliver Twist and Annie.
I hope this helps/encourages.
All the Best,
Bob
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Thank you Bob for your insight. You’re so right, I forgot to explain who Chloe was in the story and specifically in this scene, and I can be clearer on Pam’s telephone conversation with her. I’m glad the issue of the current children’s welfare stats of the adoption and foster system doesn’t appear like a public speech. I wanted to incorporate the important information as casually as I could. And, I think I will put more ideas of staff exhaustion and regimentation in also. I hit upon it, but didn’t expound.
I’m glad the gloom was apparent in this scene. Now, if I can find a powerful way to get to people’s hearts regarding the parentless children’s plights, bleak lives and futures….that is the insurmountable biggy of my script. I want people to really think about what will happen to these innocent mandated children which become the result, the collateral damage of the SB8 law through no fault of their own.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by
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Emmanuel’s Page Turner
What I learned doing this assignment is writing a pager turner using all the skillsets in this section definitely improves the script quality. Utilizing the writing with boldness skill sheet is very helpful to build a pager turner script.
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Rob Bertrand’s Page Turner
What I learned: I learned that using these bold techniques can really bolster the intensity of a scene.
Annie Andrews – Protagonist
Basic character traits: Sarcastic, quick tempered, fragile teenager who aches for acceptance.
Character Logline: Annie is a high school student, overwhelmed with guilt over the death of her mother, who’s struggling to come out to her traditional father.Jack Andrews – Side Character
Basic character traits: Exhausted, foul-mouthed, conservative father, who’s protective of his daughters.
Character Logline: Jack is an overworked auto mechanic, who’s grieving the death of his wife, Nora, while struggling with alcoholism and his daughter’s deteriorating mental health.Jessica Andrews – Side Character
Basic character traits: Shy, Nervous, Crafty, and inherited her sister’s gift of sarcasm.
Character Logline: An eight-year-old girl becomes obsessed with horror movies after the death of her mother and soon starts to believe there’s a monster living in her closet.SCENE
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica sit together on the couch, like two criminals at an interrogation.
Jack slams the empty ketchup bottle on the coffee table.
JACK
Care to explain this shit?The girls look confused.
JACK
Which one of you did it?ANNIE
Did what?Are they playing dumb? Jack’s not having it!
JACK
Don’t give me that bullshit! They found the fucking bottle of ketchup. You’re lucky they didn’t write me a ticket!ANNIE
Dad, we didn’t–JESSICA
It was mom–JACK
(screams)
God damn it! Enough! Enough of this fucking bullshit! Your mom is not haunting our house! She wouldn’t do that to us!Jack’s temper ignites, sparking Annie’s rage in return.
ANNIE
How would you know!? You’re never home! All you do is work!JACK
Yeah, because this fucking house isn’t free! The food you eat, isn’t free!ANNIE
Whatever! It’s just an excuse to get away from us! You can’t even look me in the eye! You don’t even want to be here!JACK
Seventeen years old and you know so much!ANNIE
I know you cry yourself to sleep every fucking night! I know that you hide a bottle of bourbon in your top drawer!JACK
This isn’t about me! This is about you, faking this…this…paranormal fuckery! Blaming it on mom…like she’s some god damn demon out to kill you!Caught up in anger and emotion, Jack and Annie fail to that Jessica has burst into tears.
ANNIE
Of course…of course you don’t believe us. Father of the fucking year–JACK
I want your cell phone. You’re both grounded until further notice…ANNIE
Fine! Take the stupid thing…I don’t care!Annie hurls the phone against the wall. The screen cracks when it hits the floor.
JACK
That’s just great! That’s just fucking great! Another thing broken…like we’re made of fucking money! You are the most ungrateful–ANNIE
I fucking hate you! I wish you were dead!JACK
Oh…believe me! If I had a gun, that wouldn’t be a problem!JESSICA
(screams)
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!Defeated, Jack crumples into a chair.
JACK
I don’t know how to help you…ANNIE
You haven’t even tried.JACK
Enough. I want you both to stop this. No more lies. No more games. Definitely, no more scary movies! If you need attention, just talk to me…okay? Don’t be the boy who cried wolf–ANNIE
–Stop!JACK
Don’t cry wolf!Annie, shaking with rage, stomps up the stairs. Her bedroom door slams from upstairs.
Jack is fighting to keep his composure.
Jessica sits motionless on the couch. Unsure of what to do.
CUT TO:
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Rob,
Great conversation.
My only suggestion would be to add more subtext. At what point does Annie go from being interrogated to on the attack. How does she change physically? Leaning in? Tensing? What is Jack’s physical reaction to that? Is he surprised? Intimidated? Physically furious?
Good use of suspense (impending crisis), lots of others in this category.
Nice hook — Jessica’s fear, mention of the mother’s ghost.
Uncertainty — will they ever be able to convince their dad that the ghost is real?
Maybe need a little more vivid visual description — the ketchup problem? Other places that describe changes in demeanor of the conversant as they argue/rage.
I think my subtext paragraph above really involves needing more emotional description and being bold.
Great scene! Looking forward to seeing how you can beef it up with some action lines to describe what you see (and what I saw because I’ve read your outline before), but that’s not on the page for a “first read” reader.
Take a look at my late entry if you get a chance.
Janeen
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Thanks for your feedback, Janeen. I just finished the first lesson of the Subtext module. With that and your feedback, I will make the scene 100x better. Thanks again!
Rob
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Janeen’s Page Turner!
What I learned doing this assignment is that only when I’ve imagined a scene can I write it. I need to work more on making that imagining happen on demand — empowerment, not patience or time.
CHARACTERS:
Morgan Day
Basic Character Traits: Insecure; Curious/Eager to learn; Perfectionist — can’t leave well enough alone; Bold under pressure.
Subtext Character Traits: Intimidated, Crafty
Logline: Morgan is a wealthy fashionista who wants to help other women to prove to herself that she is not just a trophy wife.
Possible areas of subtext: Pretends to believe she is inferior to her husband. Collects friends who help intimidated women while not realizing she is intimidated. Pretends altruism while her work is a form of revenge against her husband.
Bridget (Shelter Operator)
Basic Character Traits: Down to Earth; Rigid; Wary; Older so automatically wiser.
Subtext Character Traits: Pompous, Motherly
Logline: Bridget runs a shelter because she knows how to help women be more independent. Her biggest problem is knowing what help abused women really need, but not being able to provide it.
Possible areas of subtext: Assumes she knows better than the other book club members what Amber and other abused women need. Feels she understands life better than any other member of the club.
Cinda (Cop)
Basic Character Traits: Tough; Practical; Mediator; Savvy.
Subtext Character Traits: Caring, Protective
Logline: Cinda wants to stop abuse and see justice done for the abused. She is not optimistic, but she is persistent.
Possible areas of subtext: Senses that women who care so much about abused women are probably abused in some way themselves.
Rhonda (ER Nurse)
Basic Character Traits: Pragmatic: War-weary; Caring; Domineering.
Subtext Character Traits: Motherly, Irritable
Logline: Rhonda is used to seeing abused women return to their abusers and feels powerless to truly help them.
Possible areas of subtext: Wants to protect Morgan, but believes there is something more to Morgan’s passion for her mission and her reliance on something akin to “magic” to help herself and others.
Emily (Lawyer)
Basic Character Traits: Rigid; Pedantic; Smug; Benevalent
Subtext Character Traits: Insecure, Dictatorial
Logline: Emily wants to see abusers prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law although she knows it’s an uphill climb.
Possible areas of subtext: Emily doesn’t start movements due to her insecurity, but when one is underway, she likes to dictate how everything should be done which doesn’t always set well with others.
SCENE
INT. FIBER GUILD MEETING – EVENING
MORGAN, CINDA, RHONDA, EMILY and BRIDGET are working on different projects than last time or are farther along with their projects.
CINDA
(with disgust)
Morgan’s fancy pants designer got off. No charges. His wife wouldn’t testify and since no one actually saw him hitting his her, they couldn’t prove she didn’t fall down and hurt herself.
Rhonda is still in her scrubs and speaks with authority.
RHONDA
It’s my experience that when women are falling a lot, they’re being abused.
Bridget nods in disgust.
BRIDGET
There are a lot of ‘clumsy’ women in my shelter.
CINDA
(gently)
Morgan, word is that the wife beater got a restraining order against you. It that true?
Morgan is mortified.
MORGAN
It is.
EMILY
(surprised)
You’re the one who called the cops on him?
MORGAN
Amber, his wife, gave me the “need help” sign, you know —
She makes the sign: hand up, thumb across palm, then fold the fingers over.
MORGAN
So I called. What else was I supposed to do?
Cinda seems to be correcting Morgan.
CINDA
He got the restraining order because you were trying to get his wife to leave him.
MORGAN
That’s not true. I gave her a Waterman book in hopes she would find the strength to leave him. I never talked to her about it, let alone, encouraged her. But that doesn’t matter, apparently. They believed whatever Daniel said and didn’t believe what Amber and I said.
Cinda holds up her workpiece, inspecting it for flaws or errors.
CINDA
(pragmatically)
Amber said she fell. They did believe her.
Bridget stops working to look Morgan in the eye.
BRIDGET
(with pity)
And you did talk to her in my shelter.
Emily lowers her work to her lap, the voice of reason.
EMILY
So what does the restraining order say?
Morgan fidgets with her work, looks down at it.
MORGAN
(quietly)
That I can’t have any communication with Amber or Daniel and have to stay 500 ft away from Daniel’s home and studio.
Rhonda and Bridget let out a low whistle. Morgan looks them in the eye.
MORGAN
It’s embarrassing, but Amber still needs help. I wish I could do something to help her get away from him.
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